Dial In with Jonny Ardavanis - Brianna Harris - Women & Sexual Purity

Episode Date: November 10, 2022

Dial In with Jonny Ardavanis: Big Questions, Biblical Answers, is a series that seeks to provide biblical answers to some of the most prominent and fundamental questions regarding God, the Gospel, and the Bible.In this episode Brianna Harris, the Dean of Women at The Master's University, discusses women and sexual purity.Watch VideosVisit the Website Follow on InstagramFollow on Twitter

Hey guys, my name is Johnny Ernavanis and this is Dial In. In this episode, I sit down with Brianna Harris, who is the Dean of Women at the Masters University, and I ask her about a women's struggle with sexual purity. So often we think about sexual purity or pornography, and it's often communicated as a guy's struggle. But Bri wants us to understand and to discern that this is something that we also need to be talking about with women in the church. You're going to be well served by listening to Breonna Harris. Let's dial in. Bree, thanks for sitting down. I want you to just briefly introduce yourself, tell people who you are, what it may need to know about Breonna Harris.

Yeah, so my name is Breonna Harris and I work at the Mastery University. I serve as the Dean of Women and I just received my master's in biblical counseling. And then I serve at my local church. Cool. Well, Bre, I'm thankful for the time. One of the things I wanted to talk to you about is a woman's struggle with sexual purity. So often when we talk about sexual purity, it's almost isolated to an exclusively male struggle. So we have different things, even in a high school setting where we separate guys and girls, we'll talk about purity with the guys and the girls will talk about, I don't know, relationships or something like that. Modesty. Exactly. But maybe just briefly initially address the misconceptions regarding women and sexual purity

and why it's worthy of consideration and conversation in the church today. Yeah, I think that basically we are sexual beings and we are sinful too. So I think it's weird that there's been this like separation of girls and not talking about sexual sins. It's just like, don't be unpure, just be a virgin and you'll be good. And I think we haven't really talked more in depth about what does that look like and what does that mean? And we live in a world that's saturated with sex. And so it's thrown in our faces all the time. And we haven't had an understanding of what even sex is created by God and created for marriage and the purposes of that.

And so a lot of times girls are learning about sexual things and sexuality from their friends or movie or TVs, anything, you name it. And then they've never been challenged to even think biblically about certain sinful things. And then it's also just communicated that guys struggle with porn or different things like that. And it's never really talked about on the girl's side. So when a girl does struggle with something like that,

I think there's an isolation that they feel because it's like, oh, this is a guy's struggle. I shouldn't even be struggling with this. And I think that keeps them even more isolated, which is just what the devil wants. So you're just struggling in a cycle, not sure how to get out of it, how to deal with it, how to fight against it.

And you're not telling anybody. But then the reality is a lot of girls are struggling with that. And I think with pornography and I think even people think like, oh yeah, girls read things. And like, but girls are struggling with the same type of porn guys are where they're watching inappropriate things. It's not just like an erotic novel. Yes, it's not. It's that as well. But it's also like, yes, things we see. I mean, so many TV shows and movies, the scenes in there are pornographic at this point. So it's not, it's that as well, but it's also like, yes, things we see. I mean, so many TV shows and movies, the scenes in there are pornographic at this point. So it's like they have that struggle too.

And I think that they aren't able to get the help that they need because it feels like a different amount of shame on them because they're a girl who has that struggle when it's been so connected with males. So I think that makes it difficult. And then when you start to talk about, talk with girls about those types of things, you can just tell that they've never been challenged to even think about it. It's like, oh, that's sinful. It's like, has no one ever like talked about these things with you or what the purpose of sex within marriage is for? And they just have no foundation. So of course they're like in sexual sins because they don't have a lot of knowledge. And I feel like the church has focused so much on the like excesses of like the world and how they deal with sex that it's just like sex, like don't have it, don't do it. And it almost is this

like negative approach to it and rather than reinforcing what is biblical about it. And so I think, yeah, there's a lack in a foundation and understanding of how to even think about things that are sexual. Meaning that the world approaches the topic of sex, even with women from a negative foundation saying, don't have it. It's bad. No, the church does. I think when the church, the church speaks to it, it's more from that sense of like, don't have sex. Instead of creating like a beautiful biblical understanding of what it is. And then it becomes a topic where if you're struggling with it as a female in the church,

you grow up with like a sense of isolation if you struggle with it. Because if you're a high school student or a college student or even older growing up struggling with something like pornography, you feel like that's not addressed by like a typical parent or female biblical counselor in the church really at all. Yeah. I feel like you don't see it represented on the female side. So it's like, it's almost like a given guys struggled born and they talk about it. It's not something, it's not taboo. I think on the girl's side, it's more of a taboo thing. And so that keeps people to themselves. Cause they're like, I've never really, I've never seen someone share that. Who's a woman who struggled with something like this. It's always like a male.

And so I think it would be helpful to, to talk about it amongst women. What would be like one of the ways that you would recommend churches approaching those types of conversations or even parents with their children? Obviously it starts with like a biblical foundation of what sex is. It's created by God. We were sexual beings before we were sinful. You know, sex is a pre-Genesis 3 idea. But what would be a way that parents and churches can approach that topic with even young women growing up in the church? Yeah, I think that right there is like a huge step. I don't think a lot of, I remember talking, I've talked to so many girls being in this job and just being high school ministries or whatever and learn. And you ask the question, like, where did you learn about sex or sexual things?

And like almost like not a lot of people can say from their parents or from church. It's like my friend was doing this with a guy until I found out or a guy asked me to do this. So that's how I found out. So I think even what you just said, that simple explanation is missing. And so I think being able to talk to your kids about that and teach them about it in a biblical way. And then I think letting them know that the world takes these things and they flip them and they're not going to be good. And you might find out about these things. And so you can open the door to like, hey, come talk to me if this comes up. Because I think there's this weird like

shame around sex altogether where like parents are hush hush. So then everybody's hush hush and then no one's talking about it. So I think even just taking that step of explaining it biblically would be like a step in the right direction. What would you say to maybe a student or a young person that or anybody that is struggling with that sin, feels that sense of isolation, that sense of shame. No one in their life has approached them on it. And yet there's this accumulating darkness in their life because there's a reality that's unconfessed.

They have no support system. What would you encourage someone in that situation to do? Yeah, I think it's easy to believe the lie that we're the only person struggling with that sin. And I felt that way in my own life encourage someone in that situation to do. Yeah. I think it's easy to believe the lie that like, we're the only person struggling with that, that sin. And I felt that way in my own life, where it's just like, I can't tell anybody. I don't think anybody has ever heard something like this. But then the moment I confessed, it was like the friend I confessed to had struggled in similar ways. And you start to see that like other people are like, oh, like me, I like to

have struggled with that. Or there's a level of understanding and you get to see the grace of God through people's responses. Because I think there's just so much fear of being rejected or what someone's going to think about you if you tell them the truth about that. But there's actually a lot of freedom in that. And so I would find someone, whether it's in the church or your parents, and just confess that sin to them and take that first step. And I think then I think you have to start to understand like how we're created as sexual beings. So, you know, the right thing to fight. Some girls are like, I'm trying to never find anybody attractive. And it's like, you don't need to get rid of having an attraction is what happens after

that. And so I think there needs to be an understanding of how God created us and what we need to fight against. And so, but yeah, I would encourage someone to find someone to confess that sin too. And the Lord is so gracious and kind to meet us in that place. One final question I have for you, Brie, is let's say you're on the receiving end of a confession and you're biblically counseling someone through it. Where's the line between extending grace,

where you go like, hey, the Lord covers this sin, He forgives this sin without diminishing the seriousness of sin? Does that make sense? So like if certain environments, I remember growing up where it became just what you said, everybody struggles. And when you understand everybody struggles with sin, then you almost go, this is no big deal. Right. So where's the line in extending the grace and kindness and mercy of Jesus Christ without diminishing the seriousness of sin, the offense that it is to God, and the detriment that it causes your own soul? So how do we find that as someone who's receiving or listening to someone confess. Yeah, I think it's definitely a fine line to try to balance that because you do want to share or to be able to be like, you know, it's a, it's, there's, God has died for these sins. It's covered. It's taken care of. And so you don't have to bear the burden of that, but we also are called to pursue holiness. And so you can't do

that and continue in the sin and play lightly with it, but we want to see it how God sees it. So I think there's ways to communicate love and care by letting them know they're forgiven for that sin, but also still reminding them that this is something the Lord hates and that we don't want to continue in. And I think it just a lot of times comes down to delivery and being willing to walk alongside that person and not just be like, good luck out there. I hope you stop doing that. But like, hey, let's talk about this. Let's meet. Let's understand this biblically. There's a way forward. And it's not just you are stuck in this sin,

but it also means a lot to move forward and overcome it. And the Lord gives us what we need to do that. We're not slaves to sin anymore. And so I think just being able to talk through that balance of killing that sin, but knowing that the Lord has already paid for it. You said a way forward. What would be like if you were to kind of summarize in bullet point format for someone like, I hate my struggle with sexual sin. I understand I'm a sexual being. What would be just your response to them you need to do? It's obviously a simple set of steps and it's

not an immediate thing, but what would be your encouragement to someone? Yeah. I think that a lot of times you find people who have already tried to do the, like, I stopped watching this or listening to this, or I put this in place. So I don't, I'm not on my phone late at night or those things. And I would say those things are good, but that has to be coupled with growing in affection for the Lord. And so I think that we can't just put off, but we also have to put on, which is what we say in biblical counseling a lot.

So it's like putting off those things, but also learning and growing in your affection for the Lord. And I think- And that actually renews your mind. And actually renew. And that's a big thing is like the mind. I think so many people don't know

like what it looks like to renew your mind. And it's just like, a lot of times I felt like in my struggle, I would end up at the thing I didn't want to do. And I'm like, I don't know how I keep getting here. But then you just start to, the Lord starts to open your eyes to see like, you made a lot of choices before you got to that place. And so there was a thought that came about something and you let that sit. And then you like ran with it. And it's like, it like developed over time and then it happened. And so I think it's really cool to see the Lord start to show you those things. And then you're like aware of it.

You're like, oh, I just thought about that. You've got like 10 seconds to decide you're going to think about it or you're going to ask the Lord to help you to think on things that are holy and true and right and pure in those moments. I think that's where the battle is. And then having an understanding of

that that's a good place to be is fighting. And I think a's where the battle is. And then having an understanding of that that's a good place to be is fighting. And I think a lot of people are like disappointed or discouraged because they are struggling with it. And I always say like, are you struggling or are you failing? Because a struggle implies that there's some sort of tension, there's some sort of fight, and that's a good place to be. We're going to have to fight sin. And so I think even understanding that can be helpful because the thought might come, but what do you do with that thought? Because you can get rid of it in that moment, or you can let it sit and let it fester and then let it become something that you don't want it to become. And

you're back to where you started. And so I think there's a lot of things that you have to start to understand about how our minds work and how to fight sin and like love the Lord more. Well, Bree, thanks so much for your time and your input and your wisdom on the subject. I'm grateful for you. Yeah, thanks for having me.