Dice Shame - 2-115 | 'An Apple a Day'

Episode Date: November 7, 2024

Imagine your best game of D&D. The shocks, the twists and turns, the moments that can’t be caught because you just had to be there. That’s Dice Shame.Join our DM Jo, her husband Harlan, their brother Alex & their best friends Rob and Alex as they experience those unmissable, gut-wrenching, heart-aching, joy-filled moments.This legendary AP releases a brand new episode every Thursday morning at 1:20 am!Content Warning: animal death, swearing, violence, claustrophobiaPart of the Rusty Quill Network Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Although it's a bit sad, really. It's like if I was called Doran's friend. At least Dorian's best friend, probably. Everyone's dad had that album. Apple's gonna be delicious. Don't pay attention to her. I think we have to, yeah. Maybe not to the guy you met, but... Any other weird goings-on? They could burn down your entire house!

Have this apple, yeah! His enthusiasm does get the best of him sometimes. What are from other towns around here? Women are in charge. Just in case things get weird. But then they grow in your tummy. They haven't been attacked in a long time. They're not prepared. That's the end of that chapter.

Welcome. Welcome back to Dyshame. This is Season 2, episode 115, an apple a day. MVP this week is everyone who joined us for our Extra Life 24-hour stream this past Saturday. Thank you so much. It was a blast. An exhausting blast. And thank you especially to everybody. who donated, you are beyond an MVP. You are a hero. Thanks, guys. All right. Should we play some D&D?

Yeah, let's do it. Woo-hoo. It was just your birthday, and it was your best birthday. And someone baked a cake. Nersal brought over probably the best tasting cake you've ever had. You're really, really into it. You loved it so much.

There were five pieces left over. And it's been a few days since. However, you live alone. Your door is locked every night. And every morning you wake up for the past four days, a slice of cake has been missing. Motherfucker. You wake up today to find there's one piece of cake left. What do you do to make sure that piece of cake is safe?

Check my carbon monoxide. I'm not to say check my carbon monoxide detector. Because am I night eating cake and fucking out of it. And this was my kind of nebulous question. How do you protect the last slice of cake? Because it could be you. It could be someone sneaking in. Do you hide the cake?

Do you secure your house? Do you check on you? Rob says check your carbon monoxide detector. I need to start the day before. I have to start when there's two pieces of sugar left. But you don't get to. I have to. No, that's not the question.

The question is you got one left. Because you don't, the whole point is you don't. get to science this out by like eliminating probability, you only have one left of your favorite slice and you just want to save it. Are you the hiding type? Are you the I'm the problem type? Are you the I need to secure this house type? What's your perspective? I am going to brew the strongest pot of coffee. Joe's the stay up all night watching it. I'm going to stay up all night and watch the cake. I'm going to put the cake on the counter. I'm going to put a chair in front of the cake, and I'm going to watch my cake.

And if the cake is still alive by sunrise, I get to eat it. Well, that's the fourth option too, right? You can see it now. Like, well, you know what? Because you haven't gotten the last four pieces. Four days ago,

you got a piece of this cake. It was your favorite ever, and every single morning you've lost a piece. This is the last one. Alex Guthrie, I want to know what you do. How do you protect your cake? I'm still writing my so it's a nice concise response. Oh, you're writing.

There are notes. I have prepared a statement. First of all. I have been sneaking into your houses all this time to eat your cake. All right. All right. Maybe it is as simple as Loch Narsal. What do you do?

Oh, I, like, my immediate reaction, my immediate reaction is just to just eat the cake angrily. Like, I'm just mad that someone else has eaten all my cake. I, it's been, it's been, but then you're going to be haunted by the fucking mystery. That's the thing. See, it's also a lure, right? Like, what I think I would do, I, I, I would also, I'm also in that sort of, in the same space as Joe where I want to see who's doing this, but I also would not want to invite them into my house possibly again.

So I would lock it down and I'd put the cake on my balcony. For the raccoons. Yes. Well, I'm high enough up that her, hopefully the raccoons wouldn't, but I would, I would see because you are leaving. your cake in the open you are putting it in play air it's fine i've licked all the icing off well i've got at least some of it oh do you make the cake bad you could bake a decoy cake oh i could decoy cake with poison it you wake up in the morning and so it doesn't be eating this

whole time i just never wake up that's like when you bring a bad lunch to work to see who's stealing your lunch you put a hot sauce in it so you put it on your balcony and you i would I would sit there in the dark and like probably I'd set up like a phone camera so that I don't have to be at the window the whole night and I would I if I fell asleep I'd have it like I'd be filming it I'd be running like a like a thing to like capture the video CCTV so you're on the same wavelength as Joe surveillance I've had to like set up a camera to figure out who's pranking me before we do that too yeah okay so you so the so the gals are on watching the cake. Team surveillance over here. Yeah. But the subplot that I'm gathering is that neither

of you believes you're the problem, right? Certainly not. No, I think it's, I think it is something spookier. Okay, Rob. Oh, I mean, I, I mean, I think the, the, the, like, you can use it? There's a real chance if I'm confident I'm home alone for this time. You definitely are, yeah. And I'm noticing pieces of cake disappearing over the coming days, I must be losing my mind. because I'm definitely the one eating this cake and not remembering. So what do you do? Do you chain yourself to your bed? I mean, get some fresh air and declare bankruptcy on the cake.

It's the best cake in the world, but no cake is worth suffering. So you throw it out in like defiance? Wow. Or you just eat it? Would you eat it? Yeah. Why not? Okay.

So you eat it that morning. Even though you're not really feeling it, you're like this. It's the best cake in the world and you're not really feeling it. I can feel it. What are you're saving it? Maybe you're saving it because you have someone. when coming over tomorrow. Listen,

it could be the best hamburger in the world, but if you eat it at 7 a.m., it might not hit the same way. You know what I mean? Sure. Yeah. Coca-Cola doesn't taste very good at 6 a.m.

Yeah, if I'm trying to save it for somebody else, I think it's just go get a different snack tomorrow for them. We're the best cake in the world. Just call me up. I'll make you another. Wow. You go for a walk. You go to the bakery,

get another cake. I'm going the simplest. Like, for me, I am asking a friend to take a combination lock out of its package and I'm going to put that cake in a thing that they throw it on

because if I need the combination and I'm the one that I could get it in the morning then I'm going to call them for the combination in the morning it's going to you know I don't care about how what if it's the friend

oh my God the call was coming from inside the house like let's pretend it's Jay and you're like Jay I really need your help please buy comments and Jay's driving it to age and Jay's like cake. This is exactly my opportunity.

The final cake is mine. Honestly, they earned it. They've done a lot of work at that point, that's for sure. The long con. Alex has been sitting in a room that is steadily growing darker. Mine? Well, it's because of some machinations. Well, I would start by sewing little tiny outfits from bits of leftover fabric, then lay out a little tiny rolling pin and a little tiny bag of flower, a little tiny tiny hen's eggs and bits of sugar and spice and I teach the little elves to bake me little cakes in the night.

What? Because they must obviously love cake. So wait. Sorry. Your solution to this insane problem is to get more insane. Just come into the bit. Get the house hippos in on it. You can't kill me.

I'll kill you. You say to yourself. Don't listen to that guy. He's crazy. Just like embrace the fact The world makes no sense anymore Your cake's disappearing There's no explanation

I'm into it I like it That's amazing Read the book with the Taylor and the elves Anyways That's what I was thinking of But he's not eating the shoes in the morning Wait a minute

He's normally making He's leaving shoes right I love that There's not a new piece of cake Everymore I love that your strategy is Get small ingredients Yeah that's the other thing too

Everything has to be small Maybe the cake will grow again. Maybe I wake up in the middle of night and there's a bunch of little mice wearing the stuff baking cakes. Wait, they're mice now? I don't know. Are you going to round to eat this? Baking a cake one slice at a time. I would either eat the cake, but you said it's not an option?

You can do that. Yeah, yeah. Okay, then I would definitely eat the cake. Okay, but if it's not, what's your alternative? Okay, then I'd put a bunch of locks on my windows and doors and make sure that nobody could come in. And that way I would know for sure that it was me, just sleepwalking, maybe even put like one of those cartoonish comical cages on top of it with a big lock that only like I had to, I would have to be awake. Some way I'd have to be awake. Then set up lasers and alarm.

Alex lives in a cartoon. You like electrify the bars so that if you touch it, then you'll shock yourself and wink yourself up. Hack me written in big letters on the side of it. I cannot wait for like the text in the chat. That's Alex like, guys, you wouldn't believe it. I'm in the cage.

It was mice. The mice were just eating the cake. The lee of the stone, they told me. I had to put the cake on the lee of the stone. That's good actually. I like the fact that it could be mice actually eating the cake,

but instead of catching the mice or like moving the cake, he's like putting it. Put a little Cinderella outfit. Make me more, yeah, pay me back. You've eaten all my goddamn cake. These little mice bites out of all of these rolling pins I left. Alex, can I ask you for a favor, please?

Can you post the notes that you wrote up for yourself in her Discord check? I'll add them to the show notes. For context. Very good. So what was the real answer? What was happening to this cake, Harlan? Is it you? I think you misunderstand the question, Rob.

There was no solution. I just want to know what you'd all do. I think it's ghost. In my mind, in my mind, Occam's razor is we're eating our own cake. But, you know, like, that's why my solution isn't to watch it. Because I, like, in my, if I was to write this story, the girls would wake up and the cake would still be there.

Or one of them would fall asleep and bites of the cake would be gone. Furthering the mystery, I probably would chain myself to my bed. Here's another angle, a more serious angle, If I was having real problems, maybe remembering, I'd put a notepad right next to it and be like, check mark this box when I eat this piece of cake and write. Memento it, basically. Right the time and day. He wakes him, he's got a tattoo on his chest that says, I ate the cake. Yeah, I'll leave a tattoo pen there. Slices of cake eaten and then there's just a tally mark on your bicep.

So wait, is that the four previews or this one too? God damn it. Who is John G? Damn it. I'll have to eat one more and that'll sit there. That'll solve this problem. Figure it out. That's one thing I always love about Dungeons and Dragons.

Decoy cake. Well, decoy cake, yes. That was the real answer. The last piece of cake was a mimic eating the other pieces of cake. So all you fuckers who said that you were going to eat the cake, you're... Get mimicked, absolutely. That's why the cake's on my balcony, because if it's a mimic, it's already outside. M-night Shamelon Twist.

That's Mimic Night Shammalon Twist. Oh, I like that. very much. Because he's a mimic too. The M stands for Mimic. All right. Shall we do this? Yeah, let's play D.D. Let's do it. The stone trail intersects with a long road at such an angle as to make the town of Westbridge, which sits at the intersection, an uncommon destination for those heading east. In fact, back when Reds Rovers was known as the Nightstone Four, some months ago, the party did just

that, leaving crypt garden for the stone bridge, the adventurers opted to cross-country as the crow flies instead of wasting time following the road north and then south again. This being the case, the town of Westbridge is a new site for all of you. The farmstead with the sheep gives away to two more farms and then you spot a few dozen buildings in the distance huddled close to the road. At their center, a town square and a small signpost point in the three directions you can travel out of town, with the long road going north-south and the stone trail heading southeast. As you approach, you can hear the sound of someone practicing a string instrument in the distance muted. I get it. The stone bridge is east of here. Westbridge.

That's probably how it got his name, yeah. Serve clever. Although it's a bit sad really. It's like if I was called Doran's friend. At least Doran's best friend probably. There's a sign outside that says like George Westbridge was the person who founded the city. I was just hoping that it was like the tavern was called left blacksmith

and the blacksmith is like right tavern. The most literal town possible. How do I get to the tavern? You hear that? Someone's playing an instrument. That's quite nice. It's like that album by Fleetwood Mac, Murmys. I don't know that one.

Everyone's dad had that album, everyone. Among the cottages and residences, there are some public buildings here as well. You see a lion shield coster, a little municipal building marked with the town name, and The Harvest Inn, which is a cute two-story place with a wraparound porch on the first floor and balconies on the second. So what do you think? I dream of a house at the wraparound porch. Oh, me too. Me too.

Not to stay in or live in, but, you know, maybe camp out, maybe have a fight in. Whim mimics, like, the railing is perfect for tossing people. Exactly. You know, throwing them through those saloon-style doors out into that mud pile right there and red points at a big pile of shit out front. Why is there so much shit outside? Yeah. I suppose we should head in.

Well, I mean, we could check in with the municipal building just to get some info for our reports and then... Well, yeah. Might as well stay here for the night. It's a nice little town. I think we have to, yeah. Dorn looking around, is there any signs of, like, attacks, raids, like damage, recent damage from giants or anything? No, it's, like, weirdly idyllic. Stars hollow.

Too idyllic. I don't know. In fact, a woman's walking down the street and she's got a big basket and she sees you guys and she waves a handkerchief at you. Oh. Hello? The whole town is teasing her about how many books she's reading and it's a whole thing. How could you read this? There's no pictures.

She trundles over to you and she starts rifling through her basket. Oh, um, here you are. She hands each of you an apple. Oh. People here really seem to like handing out food. That's very nice of you. Uh, thank you. Thank you.

You are so welcome. Happy Apple Day. Apple Day. Apple Day. It's Apple Day. Oh, yes, of course. You must have the first time. No?

Yes, actually, it's our first time in this city. Not my first time. I mean, yeah, in this town, but not Apple Day. Of course I know Apple Day. Well, you don't know Apple Day, Doran. Red stands next to the woman. Red, you don't. Doran doesn't know Apple Day.

What an idiot. You should tell him what Apple Day is, ma'am. Oh, well, we celebrate every 10 day. Every 10 day, yeah, yeah. To make sure everyone's getting their fruit. Yeah, it's good to get. Although, if you don't prefer apples. We have oranges.

No. No, apples is going to be delicious. This looks perfect. And Doran sort of rubs it on his jacket and takes a nice big, crunchy bite out of it. It doesn't get cleaner, but he does rub it. It's armor, so it just, like, slices through. It's like a mandolin on his chest.

Shreds it. We're going to have my apple go. Just, like, slices under his neck. The fucking sheep come up and, like, bite them from under his breastplate. He's like, oh, you've got sliced apples all over the ground. This place is a mess. I hate Westbridge. We got, we got shit over here.

We got apples in my beard. What the hell's happening? Doran turns to the woman and says, So, hey, listen, well, while you're here offering us apples, tell us, tell us, have you had any negative experiences with the giants attacking the town or any other weird goings-on? Giants. Yeah, you know. Yeah, they're big, bigger than us.

They're like, like, yay, high. Much higher than yay high. Don't pay attention to her. Like, how high is that? He's like, how would I get Mari do yay? It's like eight feet. She's got a big stick. She could get a, yeah.

I just love that. You're like giant, like yay high. It does apply an average kind of. Not the kind of extreme. We have one basketball player here. I think he's a giant. Well, the previous lady was like, you're large. And now you're like, well, they're yay high.

I wonder why. Like, sure. I mean, in fairy tales, stories maybe. Hmm. You haven't had any giant attacks here at all? No. None of the past year. I'm sorry.

Are you serious? Of course. Well, no, I'm red, but we're serious in tone. By the way, it's my best friend, Jack. And my best friend, Dawn, my best friend, my best friend, my best friend. Hi. Hi. Reds Rovis.

And we know about Apple Day. Listen, thanks for the Apple. You're welcome. Enjoy your day. Are we in danger? No. I mean, well, aren't we all? I mean, odds are probably if you haven't been attacked.

I mean, at some point or another in your life, if you haven't faced danger, then is it really living? That's what I say. Duran sort of looks at his companions for agreement. That's a more existential thought, Doren. Enjoy your apples. and she sort of turns on her heel. Oh, wait. How does one become an apple day giver?

I can hand out your apples if you're tired. And Red Lake holds the other end of her basket. Red. She slowly relieves you of her basket. And Red lets go, but like too long. He just like, his hand drifts towards her. She starts walking towards the municipal building. She's like, well,

Enjoy Westbridge Bye Yeah Thank you for the apple And then she goes inside Oh man Could you imagine how cool B get to go around

Hand apples to people That's like their best job In the world She's just doing it for free Wim hands you her apple And smiles Aw thanks Wim I'm gonna go give this to someone

Red runs off Have this apple Yeah I love Apple Day I'm so nice K-Oz in the back Red comes back running I just hit a kid

It broke his knife He fell into the well. Let's get the fuck out of here. It was awesome. Timmy, no. Timmy, my boy. Red's like, just got a rock in his hand. I ran out of apples, but they got lots of rocks.

Don't worry. No, Red passed back a few seconds later, and he's like, I keep my apple to an old man who was sitting under a tree sleeping. I just left it on him. Oh, okay. On his head, actually. I balanced it. Oh, wow.

There was no one with an arrow around, was there? I was going to say. and that's how the legend of William Tom No, it's Sir Isaac Newton Sir Isaac Newton Newton. Newton fell William Tell shot the apple

off his son's head Newton fell William Tell Go to hell Everyone knows the rhyme I love Apple Day though We should start doing that as a group I propose a 10 day from now Wherever we are in the world

We each give each other an apple I'll hold on the mind He puts it in the bag of holding Like chicken sauce Who's ready for apple jerky. Yay. I hope it's us.

Jack is the fussy sort who is cutting his apple into quarters with his dagger and munching on it as he. He doesn't even want to eat apple seeds. It's so weird. I don't understand. I heard you can grow a tree. But then they grow in your tummy. That's what I keep hearing.

Mari split hers in half and it's like, but now there's a bunch of flowers on one side as well, so she gives the half it to her horse. The horse eats it and looks at you reproachfully. Yes. Oh, Jesse. I've renamed my horse JJ. All right, to the municipal building. Let's do it.

I guess so. Yeah. It doesn't sound like we'll hear much, though. It seems pretty idyllic around here. If the Apple Lady hasn't heard about it, can't be anything going wrong around here. That's what I was thinking. She's probably ignorant.

She's just an ignorant Applewoman. An ignorant farmer. She probably is an ignorant farmer, you know? You walk into the municipal building and... You see, it's just like a quaint little office, basically. But there's a giant sitting at the desk. They've infiltrated the town. Just like an ogre.

Yay high. Yay high, knee high to a grasshop. Yeah. There's a long desk with a humanoid sitting behind it, sort of reclined back on a chair with his legs up. He's wearing like an old style cowboy hat, and he is a turtle. A what? He's a what?

He's a turtle. He's a humanoid turtle, and he looks like he's about 150 years old. And the woman who had just given you guys the apples is in the middle of a sentence as you walk in. She's like, and there were five of them, and they, um, hi, indeed. Oh, hello. Hi, we're back, and we're still. just as weird. We'll let you finish.

Are you a turtle person? Oh, sorry, Jack, you go first. Well, we're hoping to have a quick chat, but there's somebody in line ahead of us. It's rude to butt in front of them. No, I will make my concerns known. Some, uh, just, I will wait. Oh, you weren't concerned about us, where you?

I'm sorry if I came on strong. No, no, no, no, no. I'll be honest. I was just excited that you were handing out apples and I wanted to be a part of it and hand out apples as well. His enthusiasm does get the best of him sometimes. I've suddenly remembered I left something on the fire at home.

I will be back in 10 minutes. Go quickly. That could burn down your entire house. Run, idiot. Can you believe that? She left a fire on, moron. Hi, we're Reds Rovers. Adventures from Waterdeep, and Jack flashes his adventure card.

Yep. We're doing a bit of a survey just to make sure there's no trouble around these parts trying to report back to Waterdeep, any happenings. I wondered if you might let us know if you had anything to report. His small head nods slowly on a very long, wrinkly neck. What type of turtle is he? Is he like a snapping turtle? No, like a tortoise.

Whoa. Yeah, he's got a big shell. Big old Franklin. The chair that he's sitting in is specially designed for his special body. Special tortoise body. It's got a really weird back of the. chair to fit the shell. Yeah, but he's wearing like old time he's 1920

kind of like pseudo fancy boy clothes. Oh, stylish. Yes, well, welcome to Westbridge. Uh, you said you're all are from water deep, is that

correct? That's right. Well, we came from water deep, we're not from water deep. Only some of us. Technically correct. So we're registered. That's true. were representatives of Waterdeep He slowly

reaches out and takes the adventuring license card from you. Oh man you're slow. And he looks it over. Man, if this place was attacked by giants, this guy would be so slow to respond. And then he takes a pair of spectacles from the desk

and puts them on. Oh, come on. Maybe they were attacked and he didn't know. I can make that a little bigger to read, Jack says, and he changes the text on it. Fantastic. Wonderful. Blow it up with a little minor illusion of it six times the size hovering over it. Ooh, too bright.

But it turns it down a little bit. Much obliged. Johannes Ivevin Page. Just Jack is fine. I see. I'm Constable Pete. Listen, Pedy. We're here to make sure giants haven't attacked. The lady out front said that they haven't. Is that true? We haven't had any kind.

of large-scale invasion by any kind of aggressive forces in over a hundred years. Hold on. Over a hundred. Wait, what? Huh. You're right outside of Stonebridge. I mean, we saw a fire giant walking across that thing just a few months ago. You're saying he didn't come through here? Must have passed us by. Not even monsters from the crypt garden? Like, it's right over there, and there's all kinds of dragons and creepy crawlies and all kinds of stuff. Get hungry in winter. They don't bother you much? I've heard tell of a dragon, but we thought we saw one in the sky last year, but I thought it was maybe a bird.

Huh. Like flying closer. You know how perspective can really change your. I guess you didn't get your glasses in time. I don't think that's how perspective works. Perspectacles. What about small scale? Bandits, marauders, things of that nature.

He lifts a shaky hand and points at a single. jail cell off sort of through another door. I take care of any kind of lolly-gagging and ill-fair and near-do-wells by myself. But do you deal with any larger-scale things like people robbing people on the road? No. We here in Westbridge believe in the kindness of everybody deep down and we haven't seen much

that would really go against that nothing as you guys are chatting Dorin's sort of wandering around the room like he hasn't really left the room he's just wondering about looking at maybe what's on the walls

there's like a plaque on the wall that's like the person who carved the chair for Constable Pete was awarded that plaque It's giving me, like, yeah, like small-time Wild West Fives. Yeah. Yeah.

In slow motion. So how do you suppose that Goldenfield was attacked by giants and yarders having some problems and, uh, what are from other towns around here? Red and, uh, Jack. Belliard. I guess my point is that everybody around has been suffering. Is that so? You don't even know about it? Oh, we, we miss a lot of the.

The commons and goins, I suppose you could say. Do you get a lot of foot traffic from travelers on the road? Mm-hmm. Not so much these days, no. What do you mean these days? Like, when was your last guest? Oh, um, we've had a couple of folks over the past 10 days, but no one seems to stay long,

and adventuring folk, I do appreciate. But, uh, the ills of the world are far away. they certainly don't come to Westbridge I don't think they're far away Your name again there Constable Pete And he holds out his little tortoise hand Right

Dorn takes it and shakes it I'll shake it too Listen I'm a big fan Constable Pete I used to be one of you Oh no Because he's been Turtle Dorm

Oh yeah I've been one of you before I know I know what it's like to be you Is there a mayor of this town? Or is it just you in charge in this big municipal building? I suppose I'm the de facto mayor. Huh. I thought you said your name was Pete.

Yes. So it's de facto Pete? Constable Pete. Constable de facto Pete? So it appointed not elected then? We get together and decide who would be best to help run things around here between myself and a heravan Dardrigan Wait, Dardrigan

He runs the harvest in Why does that name sound familiar, Dardrigan? Mm, Dardrigan, Dardrigan. Jack, why does that name sound familiar? And Shana, who runs the Lion Shield, Koster? Kevin Costner, why does that sound familiar? Oh wait, I know that one. I think Erolosa Starhenge told us

about her lost love Keltred Dardragon. I think we saw, there was a ring, and I think he showed up as an after image of him. It was like a half-framedged. or something like that that guided us somewhere. Dardrigan, we should talk to them. I mean, they're practically family. Yeah, to someone, not us, but...

Maybe not to the guy you met, but... Now, uh, what else can I help you all with? So there's no giant attacks, you've had no large-scale invasions, you've seen basically nothing, so nothing to report to Waterdeep, then? I don't suppose so. Jesus, does everybody cut the corner to Stonebridge? I'd like to roll for an insight there.

See if this turtle is really being honest. Insight. An insight? I rolled a seven. Doran, you've probably never met a turtle before. Well, I was a turtle. That's fair. But I don't think so, no.

Like Doran would not have met somebody. His facial expressions move so little when he talks that he is nearly impossible to sort of get a read on. You know what I mean? But for all intents and purposes, this dude is telling you the truth. But I think Doran's not going to trust him

based on the fact that he can't really read him. So Doran turns to his companions. And he's sort of maybe louder than he should, says, why don't we go talk to somebody else? Maybe that person in the lion in Costa. Maybe they'll give us some more information on what's going on around here.

It just seems like, I don't know, how can this city in the middle of everything not be affected at all? It's a little weird. Yeah, good point. Thanks, Pete. We're going to just check out your inn and maybe the Costa store, Kastna store, Kevin Kostner store. Kevin Kostner store. Yeah, thank you very much. Happy Apple Day.

Happy Apple Day to you too. Happy Apple Day. Enjoy your apples. Oh, oh, I entirely forgot. We have been attacked by giants. you're all under arrest and he reaches underneath his desk and he pulls out a platter a wide woven platter um and here for you and one for you and he hands you all uh a couple of pearl onions um a vainy green cabbage and a little pumpkin i'm all out of apples but uh this will give you

fiber and vitamins. I'll take it. Why, thank you very much. Red takes his portion and puts them right in the bag of holding ladies hoaring nuts for winter. I'm going to make a stew of apple stew. You're just in the bag. Very nice. Thank you, Constable P. And if you decide to stay on this evening, maybe I'll see you in the tap house.

What happens to the tap house? Oh, I just figured adventures like yourselves will. have a tall tail to spin. Ooh, I'd like that. We have plenty of tails to spin. Yarns as well, right, Jack? Yeah, tons of them. A mitten worth of yards.

See you later, Pedy. G'day, Constable. Sionora. And he puts his little hat down over his eyes and so lean back on his chair like he's going to have an afternoon now. Outside, Red turns to those and stuff. I love that man. He's hat, his demeanor.

I'm a big turtle fan, if that's not clear. Yeah. This place feels weird. Yeah. Weird in a good way or weird in a bad way? I wish it was weird in a good way because everyone seems very idyllic and placid and I'm holding a big pumpkin now and I like that part. A long weird winter in Westbridge is what I'm feeling and spring has got them a little relaxed. You don't think it's like, uh-huh, weird, right?

like supernatural weird? Oh, I do. I mean... Do you think it's safe to stay here tonight? Are we planning to? Well, hold on now, and Red takes a step back and, like, looks at all three of them. All three of you ate apples.

I didn't touch mine. Red goes in the bag and pulls it out. I put it away, but... What if the apples are like? Drug to something. Wim points at Doran and then Jack and then Mari and then turns, like, puts her back to Red, like... Did you eat one?

No, she gave her to you, remember? Right. Okay. Women I are in charge. Just in case things get weird. You do whatever women I say, okay? Only if they get weird. And Red's like beaming.

All right. Finally. You and I will be in charge. Things have to get weird first, okay? Of course. Like truly weird. But what if you three can't tell if things are weird? You know it when you cross it, but we get to decide.

No, that's not fair. What if you three don't realize things are weird? Like, for instance, what if the apple tricks your brain, and tonight, they say, Hey, you three come dance naked by the firelight. I would know that's weird, but you three might be like, well, this is normal. This isn't crossing a line, red. I mean, that is normal. Is that another thing that you do?

Whims pointing, pointing at Mari. Okay, Mari's already one step down into crazy town. How else do you celebrate the end of spring? Are you kidding? I've seen you change with a towel around. You're the prudest of all of us. It has been winter the whole time we've known her. It's been cold.

It's been very cold. So, yeah, it hasn't prevented us. Believe me, we've seen. I know. Whim is nodding fervently. Look, all I'm saying is if, if things get wakadoo, Wim and I will keep an eye on all three of you. She points at Mari, especially Mari.

Yeah, definitely Mari, obviously. I mean, fair. Oh, wait a minute. But what if they do get Wackadoo and the magics are pretty powerful? And Red sort of looks at Mari and back of Jack. May I offer a, a, another thing, maybe... I should eat an apple?

The food protects you. Why would the food... Well, all the people here eat the food. And they're weird. Either way, this place feels weird. Well, it does feel weird. It feels... I mean, as far as what I'm thinking about

for our report, pretty vulnerable to an attack, I would say. Yeah, they haven't been attacked in a long time. They're not prepared. I would agree with you there. Does that feel fair? Well, look, giants attack things that are in their territory, or

if they have things in abundance that they wanted, like the hill jobs. Things that look like civilization. All I mean to say is it's a pretty small town. You know, Goldenfield was attacked because it had plenty of reserves. Well, yeah. But Golden Fields was attacked by hill giants

who are looking for stuff. Stone giants, I think, just want to destroy shit that feels like civilization. I think these buildings would qualify, wouldn't they? Yeah, but we killed all the stone giants. All of them? All the stone giants are dead. Red says louder.

I don't... All the stone giants are dead. That's the end of that. Well, cheers to that. Let's go get a drink. All right, yeah, let's go get a drink. And Red, like, pulls wind back, so the earth back. He's like, we gotta watch them all night long.

Her eyes are, like, saucers. She nods vigorously at you. Look, it's not the first thing, but if it comes to it. She pulls out a knife? No, no, no, no, too much, too much. Slow and steady. Oh, only if it comes to it. I'll give you the signal.

She nods. I can hear you. What? I can hear you threatening us with a knife. Yeah, totally. Let's go. And you head into the Harvest Inn. Thank you to our courageous patrons,

Adam Frey, Abril, A.K. Trash Panda. Allison Wrights. Alicia Andrews. Alicia Duh. Amanda Nicole Amanda Romano Anna Lena Atholagoth

Axel Beanboy Gav Bird Bob Caspian Charles There's a lot of these Christopher

Sedate Colin Burckhart Couch Crow David Shaw Dippity DJ Emerson Foresburg

Aaron Lightning Fjord Fuvulcrum Gabby Tau Gareth Bradshaw Haley Harpo the Marks

Izzy J.D Josh Galusha Joshua Nance Joy Robinson KM Karen DeLay Kass

Keith Adelae Kelly Folds Lambda Letta J Lickrott Liz Lorelei Feldman Manderpants

Merrick's Moon Mulinda Curley Merlin Michaela Minty Mizra Moon Nibia

Guiga Nicky Knox the Nightshark Oakland Okie dokey Pan Pinch of peppers Queen

Rabida Naz cheese Regan Wren Rigor Mortis Riot Rowan Ruthan Reed Trent

Scotty Seer of Time Shannon Woltus S Ray 96 Stab Sunny Tea Kettle

Ulysses Vol control Waffle 427 Zander Morning Dove Zephyrus And Zill Street Elizabeth So

See you next time Thanks for listening Constable Pete, Constable Pete is slow on his feet. I don't know. Thank you.