Dice Shame - 2-118 | 'Upset the Apple Cart'

Episode Date: November 28, 2024

Imagine your best game of D&D. The shocks, the twists and turns, the moments that can’t be caught because you just had to be there. That’s Dice Shame.Join our DM Jo, her husband Harlan, their brother Alex & their best friends Rob and Alex as they experience those unmissable, gut-wrenching, heart-aching, joy-filled moments.This legendary AP releases a brand new episode every Thursday morning at 1:20 am!Content Warning: animal death, swearing, violence, claustrophobiaPart of the Rusty Quill Network Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Good morning, constable. There's surely somebody who's seen how these things get to live. I know it sounds crazy. Let's knock on wood, shall we? Is that a mold? I don't think I'd go for a turtle, but... Well, he looks tall. Every ten days.

No weapons are very few. No, that's a vampire. Too spooky. Stop. We're on a mission. There you go. See? Jack, you want to write down the instructions for him. Bigger than you could ever imagine. Somebody's tampered with the evidence.

A natural 20. No way. Yeah. And Mari? also got a natural 20. Holy shit. Perfection. You guys are out busy.

That is amazing. Focusing so much on costumes while me and Doren are off actually solving the mystery. Welcome back to Dyshame. This is Season 2, Episode 118, Upset the Apple Cart. MVP this week is Eli slash Kronos, who has been live blogging their listen on our Discord. They're just waiting through the first season right now, and they've already correctly identified Red as their favorite character, saying Red is so interesting and the way he can pull the others out of their heads. And I would commit war crimes for Red. Okay, well, that last one might be a little extreme, but congratulations, Eli, Kronos, you're this week's MVP.

All right, should we play some D&D? Yeah, let's do it. Woo! Ha ha! So you guys are exploring Westbridge, trying to find out what the fuck is up with this town. I'm almost imagining following Doran and Mari as they go about their series. You see us like running between building? And we're in the background.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like we found our horses and we're like hiding behind the horses, like testing the horses for Apple residue. I don't know what any of that's supposed to look like. Red sort of stops outside of a building and says, All right, look, the apples, they are these bushels, and he points to the basket out front of the tavern. Yeah, as the boy children mentioned, there's a bushel of apples outside of the tavern.

It's chocka block full of apples, right to the brim, crispy, delicious apples. And there's a little sign on the top that says, Happy Apple Day. All right, we've deduced that, at the very least, these apples aren't magical, or at least magical that we can see through this little bell, what we need to do is see if we can find someone who saw when these things were delivered or knows who delivered them.

Well, so in my mind, this was not here yesterday. Right. In your mind, was this here yesterday? This was here yesterday and only half full. So either it's always here and my mind's been altered to forget it or your mind's been altered to remember it. Whoa. But I did eat an apple and you didn't. And if apples are the problem, probably I have been the one altered here.

Well, Wim didn't eat an apple either. And she remembers this? Wim. Thumbs up? Wim points at it and thumbs up and then high fives red. Nice. There you go. Prudent adventurers.

I've got lots to learn. All right. Hey, you were prudent too. Well. No, no. We don't look. Hey, hey, you did what I do every single time and you ate a thing. You just took a bullet for the team, man.

Meanwhile, Constable Pete is in a specialty rocking chair on the front porch of the municipal building, slowly blowing on a mug of hot cocoa when Mari and Doran roll up. Don't you love humming to yourself while you walk, Mari? I'd like listen to somebody else hum. I mean, if I was also doing it, it would be atonal right now. So I'm mostly just enjoying hearing yours. I guess I only hum when someone else isn't humming or making noise. And since we travel closely with red, I never hum.

It's a cacophony, fall. Good morning, constable. Oh, howdy. I apologize. I meant to meet you in the tap room last night. No, no, it's okay. I turned in early. I had a tiring day.

It's always a hub of when new folks are in town. Say, wasn't yesterday Apple Day? Yes, it is Apple Day. Would you like an apple? Oh, actually, we already, we had an apple. Would you like an apple, Murray? Uh, no, I'm all right right now. Okay. They're full of fiber and good things for you.

Okay, fine, I'll have another apple. He passes you an apple. Thank you. Uh, oh, this is great, by the way. Good apples. I agree. Tell me, what didn't Apple Day start yesterday? Oh, no.

And when we got here, we didn't service any apples. No. No, Apple Day is just a once a 10 day. Else it'd be too many apples. No. Okay, well... Where do you get the apples from? I don't see any orchards around.

Took the words from my mouth, Mari. It's because it's full of apple. No. Now what you mentioned is, that's an interesting query. I think there are some apple orchards north of town, but I don't recall... You mean you don't grow them in town here? Oh, no, no. Oh.

Apple trees need to spread their limbs, I suppose. Seems kind of silly, I thought for a moment there they would have an apple day in a town that grows their own apples. He sort of ceds out of the side of his mouth to Mari. Wait, Doren, we're being supposed to be talking about the dragon stuff? Oh, whatever. Who runs the orchard? Who's bringing you the apples? Who's doing them?

And how have those ever been attacked by dragons, anything? Now, as I told you yesterday, and I know you remember, you're smart, young things, having too much talk of dangerous creatures around town is only going to set off a flight of fear and fancy. Well, you don't have giants or, what have you, mystical creatures. Just good-mannered townsfolk going about their business, their lives, they're living.

Dorence has her hands his hand on his chin. Now it seems to me that I have a group of adventurers on my hands who are looking for work, possibly. Defense of a helpless town. This town needs no defendant. That's the part that makes me wonder. Is there anybody above you? Harriven, who you will have met, that you stayed at the heart. They made a wonderful breakfast for me.

Apple fritters, apple just sliced apples. Apple bacon. Apple bacon. Apple coffee. Doran, stop eating apples. He's coming from. Where did you get the cider from? on like a hot mugged cider.

Is that a mold? Where did that come from? Bye, you are a festive dwarf. Well, listen, they're good. Okay, I will say that and it's Apple Day. I do like to celebrate. Right, Mari? Here, have an apple.

Oh, I'll hang on to, I've already had one. I'll hang on to this for later, and she slips in her pocket. Who else did you say, was it that ran this town with you? It was a woman at the Lion Kost, Lion and Kevin Kossner, And then there was the what? It's myself and Harriven and Shauna of the Lion Shield cost. The three of us are the community pillars, and we have been for some time. So you say, you have no idea how that basket appeared there yesterday, Red says, talking to one of the other businesses.

No, no. It just appears, I suppose. Damn, another one. Do you know of anyone in town who's allergic to apples, anyone who makes a big stink about them? I know it sounds crazy, but allergies these days. Great question. I don't think there could be such a thing.

What's an allergy? It's when you have a reaction to something. Sounds like a beautiful woman. Allergy. Look, there's surely somebody who's seen how these things get delivered. If not somebody, then who would deliver? Let's say you, owner of this, what shop is this? This is a boot store.

Right. Let's say you wanted to deliver a pair of boots across town. You wouldn't do it. You're a successful business owner. Who would you hire to deliver said boots? I suppose some of the farmers might have wagons. They could help me. Right.

So which farmer would you go to? Well, there's farmers to the north and south of town. Well, we came from the south, so... Well, Red, we know there were. no apples at the farms to the south of town. It was just the sheep that got free, so maybe we should check out the ones north of town. To the north, I suppose, is where we're going. What's you, Wim? I mean, what do you think? Wim swooshes her head behind her cape very dramatically. To the north! And Red Lake steps on his cape and falls back. To the north. To the north.

On three, Jack claps his hands and all our capes just get six inches shorter to stop us from tripping because it's been a real problem so far. No capes. Just capelets. Yeah. Yeah. That's perfect. Perfect.

I think Dorn and Mari kind of left the constables and they're like, I don't know about you, Mari, but I'm nearly appled out. And I say nearly because they're quite good apples. I am shocked at the number you've put back in the last 45 minutes. You know, it's just because they're there. I don't really, I wouldn't go out of my way for an apple, but, you know, when it's, put in front of me like this, I just feel as though, well, now I've got the taste on my mouth. I mean, they are really delicious and crispy.

He's got a taste for apple blood now. It's just in his beard. Listen, I don't know if I really trust that constable, as much as, you know, they're a turtle and all. He's very affable, but no, this, there's, do you see... Oh, fuck, darn, you should have been like, affable. I don't think I'd go for a turtle, but whatever floats your boat, Marry. I really thought we missed an opportunity to, like, check Doran's beard before he ate something this morning to see if there's any remnants of apple in it. Oh, I know, right?

But now he's had so many apples. You just, it's got to be covered. That was your one forensic opportunity. Funny enough, Mari did say she slept with their hair in my face and it cleaned my beard. So that actually wouldn't have been. It's just next level not good. All of the evidence has been washed away. It's true.

Somebody's tampered with the evidence. So I'm thinking, why don't we go and visit the lion Kevin Costner and see what the shopkeep over there says about this Apple Day? Oh, I mean, about this town not being attacked by giants. Yeah, as they head over, is there any apple trees or is there anything in the town? Is there even any, like, damage on any of the buildings? like what's the quality of this place um it's a good looking town kind of quaint perhaps um there's a few dozen buildings all told most of them are pretty close to the road none of them seem to have sustained any boulder damage like wouldn't that be funny if it's just like groundhog day in

this town they've been attacked so many times they just don't remember and also you don't see any apple trees anywhere in the town. You'd think that if for a place that loves its fruit so much that they'd have something, even just like a statue representation of, you know, all hail the glorious apple, but... Yeah. I mean, for a town that celebrates apples every 10 days, every 10 days, they don't even grow their own apples. All right, let's go find, what did you say, what did you say the place was called? Lion Kevin Kossner.

How dare you? He doesn't lie, Fred says, from a distance as he runs by to the north. Yeah, it's just a cape swoops by her. The Lion Shield Koster, for people familiar with this part of Fyroon, it is a chain store that sells standard goods. Hmm. I think I've stumbled into one of these before. Oh, I'm sure you have.

Yes. It's quite popular. Dormin, shall we? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. After you. Well, thank you very much. You walk into this particular lion shield coster and take it all in.

It seems to function a little more like a co-op than some of the locations that you've been to because there are bins of produce at the front as well as some like chests full of regional goods, maybe some, well, mittens for sale from one of the farms down the road. There are a couple of bushels of apples here, and a woman behind the counter, kind of tallish lady with short gray hair. Where are your weapons? And then he begins to walk, and then he stops seeing the apples. And he's like, right, right, right.

I'm not here to look at the weapons, Doran. Come on. Doran, don't eat more apples. Yeah. We actually don't have too many weapons here, just a couple more farming implements, although we do have, actually, let me check in the back. I'll just be one moment. Well, no, you don't need to, actually. We actually came to speak with you. I think you're in charge of the town, right? Yes, I suppose. I definitely wouldn't put myself in a position of authority. My name's Shauna Oxley. Hi, Shauna, Oxley.

The name's Doren. Dorn Iron Fist. He reaches an extended hand upwards towards you. Please to meet you. This is my companion, Mari, uh, what's your last name, Mari? I forget. Wethead.

It's fine. That's not important right now. Pleasure. Nice to meet you. So, wait a second. You have, like, no weapons or very few? What do you do if a roaming group of bandits were to suddenly show up at the gates of town. Well, I suppose the constable would be in charge of any kind of protection efforts. We don't really have a lot of visitors coming through here.

That's what I hear. I guess really what we came to do was to talk to you about that, exactly. About bandits? Yeah. See, the way this town is situated, I mean, let's knock on wood, shall we? She narrows her eyes at you. Are you threatening me?

He's not, he's not. He's very overly cautious. We have been on the road for quite a while. And it kind of, you know, it gets your hackles up. It puts your defenses up. There's so much danger out there. And it's just very interesting to us that, you know, everything seems so nice here.

well that and how can you have apple day but doesn't seem like anybody in the town knows how to grow an apple oh uh these apples they come from uh there's just a farm up north oh oh oh i'm sorry would you like some apples i'm all right thank you well if you're offering oh my god door in red jack and whim are leaning on a fence overlooking an apple orchard. Well, there it is. We found the source. There is a series of sprawling orchards just over this hill that stretch far and wide,

as far as the eye can see. These early spring trees are naked and dark and twisted the way that trees that bear fruit are trained to grow low to the ground. They look strange, like limbs of bodies. Whatever devious work is going on.

We're going to find it in there. Oh, hey, Mari. Oh, hey, Doran. Hey, yes. Oh, it's us, I say, and I change our costumes for a minute back to their regular selves before we mask right up again. Oh. Ah.

Oh, it's you. I have to admit, I knew it was you guys because no one else was dressed like this anywhere at all, ever. We've been on the case since the morning. and red like climbs up on the fence like one step and turns around and does a flourish and jumps off. Ha! Whim's looking down at the orchard

through the spy glass and then gestures at you all to come and take a look. She's spotted a farmhouse. So your investigation led you north as well, eh? Yeah, it feels like everybody in the town just kind of likes to stonewalling you. There's not a lot. No one

seems to understand. Couldn't stay away from the mystery, eh, Doran? Nudges Doran's ribs He's like bloated, full of apple Dorn, you didn't need any more apples, did you? No, no. He's had so many.

No. Doren. Apple day. You're holding an apple right now in your hands. Stop it, Duran. Okay, look, they're good, all right. It doesn't matter if it's good. There's nothing wrong with eating a couple apples.

Look, these apples are making people forget and maybe killing them. Red says to him. Probably not the second part though Torren's still eating it At least killing something in their mind If you want to join the shadow thieves In their investigation You've got to put on your costume

Jack says as he pulls out his staff Come on guys Oh hell yeah I don't make the rules Jack slams his staff in the ground And at that instant All of us look identical With the same height

We're dressed in black He's Dorin tall now Well he looks tall Oh, okay. Whim does jazz hands like, ta-da. Ah, wow. Let's move.

Whose height did we even out at? I want to know if Murray shrunk. I mean, I think canonically the shadow thief is a very tall, thin, wispy dude, so I think we're all a little taller than normal. Sweet.

I always heard he was a tabaxi. Wow. Let's go. I like my disguise. This is a really, quite I feel very good I feel taller

and more debonair Doran putting on a voice Doran give you a flourish I want to see it All right Here you go How did I flourish Wow flourishy Come on everyone

And red hops over the fence And skulks through the orchard Towards the farmhouse Shadow thieves move is one You come to a large farmhouse That looks almost like it could be abandoned. The painted exterior

is peeling and the shingled roof shows gaps where old shingles have been dislodged, but the windows and doors are still intact. Two large barns flank the farmhouse and a wagon is parked up beside them. That must be where

the dastardly devilish deed is done. Murray gives a little swish of the cape and then goes over to take a closer look at one of the trees. Mm-hmm. To see, because they look odd. Roll nature. 16.

These are not wild apple trees. They are bread. Bread apple trees? What? No south of town gave us bread. It's apples from the north. These apple trees have been cultivated. They're not wild, so they look strange because they've been, you know,

pruned and trained for decades of their lives. So they look weird, but they're sort of meant to. gentlemen do we want to check out this farmhouse let's check out the cart let's see if that's how they bring the apples into town yes stop with the outside okay let's not all pile into the farmhouse

at once eh that's right now we're gonna check out the cartfish prudent shadow thieves surround their enemies yes and attack from old sides from the shadows yeah from the shadows oh I mean yeah yeah from the shadows

he gives Mari a look and kind of moves his eyebrows and a joking manner. Marri just lifts the cape up to her like her eyes and then just also raises her eyebrows at it. No, that's a vampire. Too spooky. Stop. Let's go. And yeah, we head towards the cart to investigate.

Wim's like running between the apple trees like runs really fast and then stops behind an apple tree. And then runs really fast and then stops behind an apple tree. Nice one, Wim. You make your way over to the wagon that is parked beside one of the barns and you spy inside the wagon, bushels, empty, but similar to the ones that you saw in town.

Red is a series of hand gestures that are ultimately meaningless. I think he just flipped me off. I'm saying those are the bushels. The same ones in town. This must be the place. Everyone roll perception. Oh. Jack got a five because he was busy trying to see through his mask

and slipped a little bit over his face. Red got a nine because he caught a glimpse of him and Jack and Wim in the reflection of like a pool of water and he just kind of got stuck looking at the three of us like doing different poses. Very good, very good. Doran, what did you get? A natural 20.

No. And Mari also got a natural 20. Holy shit. Perfection. You guys are off busy. That is amazing. Focusing so much on costumes. while me and Doren are off actually solving the mystery.

Wim, crit failed. Oh, no, she goes. She's also looking at the pool. There's a moment where Red like gathers the three of us up, so we make a good pose. Wim sees red looking at himself in the pool. That makes you three Thelma, Shaggy, and Scooby. Like, I don't know, dudes. Mari and Doran, you smell tobacco smoke coming from the barn that's closest to you.

Guys, guys. Listen, smell that? Enough posing. Enough. What do you mean enough posing? We can do both. We can pose and investigate. Don't be a jerk.

Wim just starts vogueing wildly. Hey, we got here first. Somebody is smoking around the barn. Lots of people smoke around the barn. Yes, but that means someone is here. Of course someone's here. The person who did this. Yes.

Let's bring them to justice. Let's go see who it is. And Redd takes a step forward and then stops. He's like, um, Mari. Yes. Don't make the trees kill them, please. Let's just talk to them first. All right.

Well, we'll see how this plays out. Can you promise not to kill them? I promise. I promise. Thank you. It was very scary. I know. Let's go.

You open the door to the barn and just a pile of apples starts to roll out. They just roll into the mud kind of all around you. There's just fucking piles of apples inside this barn. You almost can't see. past the apples to where there's a tired looking man with short brown light hair standing there smoking a cigarette. He's got a bunch of bushels beside him and he's leaning against a shovel that he's been using to shovel apples into bushels and he turns towards you all standing silhouetted in the doorway and he just rubs a bridge of his nose and he goes,

Hey guys, what can I do for you? You. You need... You need... You need... God damn it. Tiny avalanche of apples. You're under arrest

by the shadow thieves of water deep. Hmm. This isn't a crime I checked. Well, hold on. You bet you... And Red Lake climbs over the apples awkwardly. And like...

It's a very laborious time to get over them. Who did you check with? Because I think the sheriff in town might be a little slow to get back to you. Don't worry about it. What's with these apples, buddy? I grew them and I'm putting them in a bushel. What are you even talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's your name? What's your name? Shane. Shane, listen here, Shane. My name is Red, Handed Robin, and this is my best friend Jack. And my best friend, William, and my best friend, Maury, and my best friend Dor. Now listen here, we know. that your apples are causing some unwanted effects.

Now, tell the truth. We have evidence, mountains, piles of evidence. Show them the evidence, Jack. Pull out that paper. And I pull out the paper that says Red solves a mystery. And Jack rearranges the words on it to just spell out some bullet point evidence that everybody can read that are just like, Shane did it. See, that's the evidence and all the evidence we need to arrest your ass.

Red, Red, Red. She's trying to shimmy through these apples. I don't think we have the right to arrest this guy. He doesn't know that. I think I have a theory as to maybe what's happening. What? Why? Okay. What? Go for it. Let's hear it. It turns around ignoring this guy for a second.

I mean, this is an absurd amount of apples. There is literally no reason to have this many apples. So if you're growing this many, you need to sell them. If you don't sell them, then they don't. just all go bad, but people are going to at some point be tired of apples. So if they just forget that they've eaten all these apples, then you always have a market. No, that's impossible. That is far too simplistic. Are you kidding? No, Mari, the truth behind this is bigger than you could ever imagine. The conspiracy, the mystery. Tell him, Shane. I mean, it's pretty much

what's going on. Right. Well, but, but there's, but there's also other reasons, nefarious reasons, right? No, it's not nefarious. Don't be ridiculous. I just, well, we have a motive, but we don't have a method. Listen, the thing with the apples is that I just don't know what I'm doing with them. Huh? What?

I don't know what I'm doing. You're shoveling them? Yeah. You ever seen a farmer shovel apples before? Even I know this is fucking ridiculous. I just, there's too many apples. I gotta get rid of them somehow. They're rotting in the cellars, in the barns, and then the rotting is bringing the bats. And I don't know what to do about the bats. Don't even ask me. Hold on, wait a minute. They're everywhere. Are we meant to believe that all of this comes down to you just needing to get rid of apples? And worse than that, Maori is right. I'm trying to offload this produce, man. How did you erase my memory?

of apples. Well, magic. Obviously. Make with the real... What kind of magic? What are you doing? It's apple magic. You never heard of apple magic? I have. I don't know about them, but I have.

I've heard of it. Yep. It makes sense to me. Red explained. Well, it's magic that it works on apples and other things. Look... Thank you. This is all about you offloading produce? I've been sitting around brainstorming for weeks. It took you weeks to figure this out.

I told you I don't know what I'm doing. Drive the apples to Waterdeep where they're dying for fresh produce right after the winter didn't come up in your weeks. So far. It is very far. It's not that far. We just came from there. Do you want a horse? I have one.

It's very surly. Horses like apples. I would like a horse, yeah. I've been dragging this cart down the road by myself every night disguised like a traveling peddler. You've been doing all this yourself? Well, yeah. This city probably has been a town. act before. There's nobody who remembers it.

I mean, probably not Apple-related. How many bats do you got in the basement? It's like thousands. Oh, yeah. Giants hate bats. Yeah, Giants hate bats. I'm 99% sure on that. So, well, there you go. Can I, will you please take some apples with you? Sure. No, wait, no. Stop believing it.

You can't be erasing people's memory. That's the core part of the problem. I'm super duper can. Wait, you're erasing people's memories? People didn't believe me, and I don't like that. It's not even a crime, okay? That's true. I, how is that not a crime? Don't worry about it.

So wait, what do you mean? Don't worry about it. Are the apples of pausing memory are being erased? Everyone gets to eat apples. Well, but, and if the bats are, you know, keeping the giants away, it could be actually quite good. There's so many bats. Look, just would you stop, um, imbuing, imbuing them with, magic then and people can eat their apples just change it from every 10 day to every two day two day or one day i'll have an apple today why don't you have apple fest a month long of apples

and then everyone will eat more apples or talk to the town tell them that you have an excess of produce and i guarantee they'll help you out they're very nice people if not a little strange can you do it what do we can we do it oh my god god you're a weena i don't want to do it Fine, we'll do it, Shane. Red kicks an apple. Don't do that. What do I mean, don't do it? Red kicks another apple.

Huh, what are you going to stop me? Kick an apple. Stop it. No. Mari was right. I'm sorry, Marie. Red turns around. I thought it was a little more robust than this, but you're right.

It basically was produce. Red, I'm sorry. I honestly, it would have been great if it had been a wild conspiracy, but... But hey, I did solve the mystery, kind of. I mean, we did. Maybe it's the Royal Wee, Royal Red. We're all Reds Rovers in the end. We're all Reds Rovers.

Yeah. There's still other mysteries. Why is this place not, oh, I guess bats? But what's that mist in the floor? What is that? Oh, that was one of the Miko's tricks, wasn't it? Oh, yeah, that was me. That was the bell.

Let's ring the bell and just see what shows up as magical in here. Oh, yeah. Red pulls at the bell and rings it. The dude just recently cast a spell on himself. He's got, like, the mist is all swirling all around him. Wait a minute. What spell did you cast on yourself? What do you mean?

You just cast a spell on yourself. We know. Nuh. Yeah, you did. Nope. Yeah, you did. We can tell. Jack, he's saying he didn't, but he did.

Jack, don't. Shane, Shane. Tell the truth. The Apple Wizard? Applebottom mage. What do you prefer? Wizard of apples? Shane's fine.

Cranny Smith? Pink lady? Apple bottom jeans. Shane, you've gotten away with this for a long time, but here's the problem. Week and a half. We're on a mission, and we've got to send a report back. about this town and its defenses and its problems and all that stuff. And if that report says,

and there's a weird Apple Wizard making everybody forget stuff, the powers that be are not going to love that and it's going to be a whole deal. So if we can find a way to make ourselves feel confident that we don't have to write about the Apple Wizard erasing people's minds, because it's a crime, I promise you. It's not a crime. Listen, I don't...

Wait, how is it not... Wait a minute, hold on. Help me out here. Wait, hold on, hold on. Look, Jack's right. We are here. trying to make sure the countryside is safe. Clearly, the thousand bats in the basement are keeping the giants away.

Are they loud at night? So loud. Yeah. See, Giants hate. There's no proof of that. Loud, squeaking noises. Of course it's true. I know they're my favorite enemy.

Can I roll on this? Can it be canonical? Sure. You can roll. You roll history on giants. Can I make this real? That's a 19 plus. What am I?

You roll with advantage because it's your favorite enemy, I believe. And then it's... So 18. Minus 1 from intelligence. Yeah. Do giants dislike bats. Hill giants hate bats. Canonical.

Canonically, Hill giants hate bats. I'm writing it down. We're going to use this fact later. Listen, hill giants hate bats. You put a thousand them in the basement. The hill giants are going to stay away. Here's my proposition. Mr. Shane, whatever.

What's your last name? Just Shane. Shane. Shane, Shane? Listen, I don't like my... family name that's why I don't use it it's a mononym fine you take you no shut up it's just do whatever you got to do look here's my proposition trauma you forget trying to convince people

to eat the apples and instead you let them rot and let the bats act as a deterrent for the hill giants all over this countryside you are now under the employ of reds rovers giant repellent but they smell of course they do And you are going to do exactly what you've been doing, delivering these bushels all up and down this road. So bats are brought out and will keep the hill giants away. That's the mystery I solved. And then you don't have to worry about getting rid of the apples, and you're not making money anyway.

The people can get their memories back. And you'll have a nice, tidy sum of reasonable apples to sell if you want to turn a profit. But you get to be the change in this countryside. apple a day keeps the hill giants away. Hmm, it's got a nice ring to it. You got to admit. It does. It's a slogan written all over it.

Come on, what do you say? Go into business for us. Either that or we kill you. He's kidding. He's kidding. So you're saying that I don't have to covertly poison these apples. And I don't have to do secret midnight drop-offs into Westbridge all the time. Your sleep will get way better

Also, poisoning is a crime I don't know how many times I have to stress this It's not a crime It's not I looked it up Shane's giant repellent I love it It's got a ring to it

It does So do that Listen Shane Do you want an apple Yeah I do Yeah And he picks up an apple From the hundreds of thousands

stacked behind you You're not going to forget this And go back to doing What you're doing yesterday If you eat that apple are you? And he cheerses you with your apple and his apple and he takes a big bite

and choose it. There you go. See? And he looks at Doran looks at Jack and he gives him a big wink and a smile. Now he'll just forget to do all that. Great. Right. What?

Whose side are you on, Doran? That was not what we wanted. He's just... Well, he won't remember to poison anybody. I mean. No, he'll... No, he just would go back to poisoning people, Dore. I'm eating it. It's a symbol because it means I'm going to forget about Apple Day. Yeah. Oh, right.

See? Okay. They'll all go back to normal. Listen. Right. Doreen, just have another Apple. Look, it's fine. Doran's right.

Shane will forget about Apple Day being today, and he will remember the giant repellent that he's going to start making first thing tomorrow. Right, Shane, and red pats on the back. It might take me a little bit. Tomorrow. I'm going to figure it out. You're going to figure it out.

I can see it now. Shane's giant repellent emporium. You, my friend, are about to make a little bit. make a lot of money. I hate bats. This is going to be good. Yeah, it's going to be great. It's going to be wonderful.

Things are looking real up. He puts out his cigarette underneath the apples. Jack, you want to write down the instructions for him? Yeah. Oh, yeah, here. Jack, take one of these letters that are floating around me all day, and he hands a blank piece of paper to the guy. Yeah, Jack pulls a pen out of his jacket, just ready to go,

and starts to write down, I, Shane, the apple mage agree to to da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da I'm just going to need you to sign both copies of this no no Shane just do it oh fine

god you remind me my brother it's the 14th of Ches when you leave Westbridge for the last time I am telling you Doran you ate

50 apples yesterday just an absurd amount I watched you eat about 40 of them I can't You have no idea. Seriously, you have no memory. I sort of wish I did have an apple, just to prove you guys wrong. But I didn't eat any apples, so I...

Dory... I don't know what you want me to tell you. Your sweat smells like apple juice. You're pissing apples. Maybe it was the beer I drank last night. I mean, I don't know. But I'll tell you one thing. These are damn good apples.

All right, goddamn it. Jack lets his report go, and it flies, away off to water deep to get logged as one of the many goings on under the Sword Coast as we ride out of town. And as the paper flies into the distant horizon, we watch the

backs of our heroes recede down the road toward the stone bridge. Thank you. to our courageous patrons Adam Frey Abriel A.K. Trash Panda.

Allison Wrights. Alicia Andrews. Alicia Duh. Manna Nicole. Amanda Romano. Anna Lena. Athalogoth. Axel.

Beanboy Gav. Bird. Bob. Caspian. Charles. There's a lot of these. Christopher. Sedate, Colin Burkhart, Couch, Crow, David Shaw, Dippity, DJ, Eldrich Unicorn, Emerson Forsberg, Erin Lightning, Fjord, Fulcrum, Gabby, Tau, Gareth Bradshaw, Haley, Harpo the Marks,

J.D. Josh Galusha. Joshua Nance. Joy Robinson. K.M. Karen DeLay. Cass. Keith Adelae. Kelly Folds. Lambda. Letter J. Lickrott. Liz. L'Auley Feldman Manderpants Merrick's Moon Mulinda Curley Merlin Michaela

Minty Mizra Moon Nibia Gwega Nikki Knox the Nightshark Oakland

Okie dokey Pan Pinch of Peppers Queen Rabida Naz cheese Regan Wren Rigor Mortis Riot

Rowan Ruthan Reed Trin Scotty Seer of Time Shannon Waldner S Ray 96

Stab Sonny Tea Kettle Ulysses Vol Control Waffle 427 Zander Morning Dove Zephyrus

and Zill Street Elizabeth So see you Next time Thanks for listening Mari and Doran You smell What the Rock is cooking

I don't know why that got me That shouldn't have got me It was dumb Thank you.