Dice Shame - 2-13 | 'The Game Is Up'

Episode Date: November 24, 2022

Imagine your best game of D&D. The shocks, the twists and turns, the moments that can’t be caught because you just had to be there. That’s Dice Shame.Join our DM Jo, her husband Harlan, their brother Alex & their best friends Rob and Alex as they experience those unmissable, gut-wrenching, heart-aching, joy-filled moments.This legendary AP releases a brand new episode every Thursday morning at 1:20 am!Content Warning: swearing, violence.Part of the Rusty Quill Network Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Where do you get armor? Mari knows what armor is. You're aware of the concept. Jack takes Red's arm and starts walking towards the door. Not in a weird way. Yeah, oh my God, no. There's my boys. Oh, hold up, hold up, hold up. I'll be right there. I'm fancy as well.

God, I hate this holiday. I mean, it's metaphorical. Have you got another wood act? There's so many Kevin Costner references in this show. Hey, that'd be sort of fitting. Straighten up, you've got an adventurer in here, my friend. Get your mushrooms here? Fresh bagels.

Fresh water devian bagels. I don't want a dried meat. Get your hot fresh fish meat here. Silks. Horrifying silks. Welcome back to Dyshame. This is Season 2, Episode 13. The game is up.

MVP this week is Veronica from Twitter, who started out with Dyshame just a short while ago, and is now deeply attached to the characters and their story. Thanks so much, Veronica. We got you. The Magnus Archives 2, otherwise known as the Magnus Protocol, is on Kickstarter right now. Our own Harlan Guthrie is going to be featured as a guest writer in the new three-season series. If you're among the millions of listeners who enjoyed the Magnus Archives,

you're definitely going to want to stay tuned for this new project. Support them on Kickstarter today. It's going to be a lot of fun. Hey, guys, so we play some D&D? Yeah, let's do it. Woo! Jack, you've had kind of a rough time over the past day or so recovering from your ordeal in the sewers. Torin is busy with his customers, and it's the day before midwinter.

What are the four of you want to get up to? What the hell is midwinter, Jack? Well, it's the middle of the winter. I don't know if you pick that up from the way they... broke the words up, but... Don't be condescending. Listen to this guy. Sorry, I don't know.

You thinks were stupid, Doran. Doran? Doren! Doren! You're sleeping in your soup again. Oh, I'm sorry. You're gonna drown that way. Your beard is full of it. It's mostly just beard at this point.

Doran pulls up his beard and sucks his soup out of it. A long day for him, too. It has a sort of a tangy taste to it. You know, I think I'd be good to find a bathhouse while we're in town for a day. No, we just had a bath last night. Oh, oh, that's the tank. Let's your throw up in there. Doran, get out of your soup. Was the chicken wing in there with the soup, or was that in there from before? No, that was in there for before, and I put it there. Let me just...

We just bathed last night, Doran. What the hell happened? Well, I'm saying what is midwinter, not in terms of, like, when it is, you jackass. But, like, what are the celebrations? What are we actually doing? I mean, it's the traditional day to renew alliances, although, you know, that's maybe more of the noble thing. I think the commoners just call it dead winter day and are ready for spring by now and don't give a shit. Yeah, but are they like parties or drugs, uh, parties? It's not, it's not the kind of big festival the whole town gets in.

I don't know if it's, you know, how much of it is your vibe, although it's perfect for crashing a party, which might be your vibe. So, oh, I would totally love to crash a party. And it's not one of these book festivals that we did. before and I turned to marry and I'm like we did a fucking book festival sadly not worst I miss that book festival I like books no no not these books Tor and Maori's one of them a book reader I have to say on the on the note of renewed alliances I just have to say you know welcome again um Murray to the group

you just we just had an entire adventure with me that's right sorry sorry sorry welcome again to the group maria and and you know cheers here here's to um to new new alliances and and too old and he turns to you uh red and jack and fuck sake how many times do we have to onboard this character look you're part of the party we're here i'm i'm cheering about renewed alliances not not onboarding every time the soup sloshes out you see your hand shoot up a bit and like the the liquid moves back like it just like it's a lot little force field that just stops it from splashing anywhere. Hey, that's

kind of cool, the use of magic in like everyday life. Imagine, wow. There might be some good midwinter deals if we sort of walk some of the streets and see if there's something in the shops. I know Mari, you look like you might know how to wear some armored.

Yeah. The weather doesn't get that bad here, but we're going up into the like some of the worst mountains, you know, this far south. So we might want to think about some warm coats. Where do you get armor. She's like, I never really had to think about this. Doren, like, hops out of his seat and, and it literally stands like, you know, a foot away from me beside you and he eyes you up and down. Not in, not in a weird way, but like, thank you for clarifying. Well, maybe it's weird. I'm not eyeing you in a weird way. I am eyeing you. Well, it's mostly just that he stood on the table and now he's staring at me. Yeah. It is weird. Okay, it is a weird way. It's not, it's not creepy. It's just. down, almost as if he's measuring your, you know, the shape, right?

Whole situation. He's looking you up and down. But, you know, you probably don't feel like I'm looking at the parts that a man might look at a woman, right? Is it like I'm... Alex just pushed past it. You're over explaining. It's not the tits. We got it.

And he says, I'm not looking at your tits, Marie. With an armorer's eyes with the reeds. Yeah, yeah. You know, you could get away with some nice hard, nice hide armor. In fact, you could probably get away with some chain mail under that. You know, if you wanted some help. Hyde armor is really my preference.

I don't like to be in the way of that. That's right. Take a look at what Jack's wearing. And Dorn, like, kind of grabs Jack's arm. He makes a stand up. He's like, take a look at this. Look, and Dorn, like, reaches under and starts feeling the thickness of the armor. I'm not wearing any arm.

I'm not wearing any armor. Like, Jack's wearing, like, a nice shirt. His jackets got all fucked up yesterday. He hasn't been to the tailor yet. So he's wearing, like, a torn up shirt. No, he probably went, he's got clothes here. He probably put on, like, a reasonable set of clothes for this morning. So it's like a shirt.

Do me, Doran, do me! Red hops up and stands next. Yeah, yeah. It's my arm, a tail will roast me, too. Absolutely. And now, if you take a look at this, Reds is a little bit thinner, but he moves around a lot more. You know, he's very nimble. You see how he climbs up.

I'm fast. No, you magic people. Watch me go! and Red runs outside. Yeah, and Red's like jumping off the roof and shit. And a few seconds later, he runs back in. Did you time me? You're panting like a dog.

I did, actually. Two seconds. Nice. I stabbed a guy. I think, I think we could. Oh, Mari gets it. Is he following me, time him too. You never saw me here.

Doran, it might be better if you tried to explain armor at the armorer just because you'd have better examples. Hold on, Mari knows what armor is. You're aware of the concept. I'm aware of the concept of armor and the general terms. Yes, it's just I've never had to buy it before. I've only ever, you know, looked at it in sort of a metaphorical sense and went, huh, not really for me. I work with mostly with leather work. Anyway, let's go get you some armor then, because we got a fair amount of gold. and you need it. And I guess a day out in this festival,

maybe there'll be some fun. Maybe they have churros. Shall we go then? Doran kind of looks at the three. To mock it. And Red holds his arm out to Doran. I'll be right there. He jumps up on the table and starts eating everybody's leftovers.

It drinks his soup real quick. He's putting more wings in his beard. All the little pieces. Doran's like, oh, I'm coming right now. Shipmunk with their pouch, but instead it's like Doran just Doran,

quits a bunch of like... I saw a chipmunk do that right in front of me. Just it had one leaf in it. We can't talk about chipmunks, Rob. We can't... Sorry. Jack takes Red's arm and starts walking towards the door. Oh, thanks, Jack.

And Red walks with you and his arm, but longingly, he looks at Dorn. He'll be a minute. You know how he is. If we don't start, he'll never start. Before they go, Marry runs over to the bar and talks quickly to the bartender

and the person hands are, basically just like a big walking stick like I guess like would be like clothe of like a quarter staff but like it's a big walking stick basically but not really just a walking stick oh no it's just a walking stick oh yes but not really just a walking stick

it's so much more really a walking stick is this like a big cool stick you found one time or is it like carved and and has like beads hanging from a booping stick piece of leather Or is it like schmancy fancy or what? It was something that she found on her way.

Like originally it was just a big stick, but she has been carving it sort of as a thing she would do like sort of in the in between time from the time that she split off from red back in the first little, their little run-in. And then... I have a really important question for you.

Which is. Are you any good at carving stuff? Or is it just like a bunch of things? That's actually really funny. Is it like a viewer? It's really ornate, but like shittily or not. Like are you a crafts person or she's pretty solid when it comes to those things, but you can tell that the skill that like as you look towards the bottom, it's not very good. And as it goes along, it gets better as like she gets the hang of it. But there's like chunks missing from designs where she just fucked up and like slice something off. It's like a cool fox without like a nose or something. Yeah, yeah. Like or like there's like there's like half a flower and you're like, oh, that's just where your hand slipped. And then like there's like a smear of blood stuff. somewhere where like clearly she just

cut her hand. It's where the knife slipped. Yeah, yeah. So, so there's, there's moments where it's like looks really cool, but if you look close at it, you're like, I see I can see all the places you fucked up. Doran, Durin sees you do this and he gives you an unknowing look. You know,

he thinks it's magic. So he's like, oh yeah, you're grabbing your magic stuff, but it's really not. All the real fun is going to happen. Oh, yeah. She's not going to tell them. I have a bad back. She's not going to to tell them that's not it's magic it's just and then doran quickly catches up to red and takes his arm as he

originally had wanted to hey it's my boys fine i'll wait for marie then no no the other arm i put the other one out for dorin so now i got both my boys and either all right let's go that's kind of awkward for marie no marie you can just scoop in behind me give me a hug from behind and all three of us will walk like that down the street red has to be touching all of his friends all the time the literal center of attention. I have to do this happy place. So this is midwinter, eh? Red looks around outside.

Well, tomorrow's technically midwinter. Yeah, it's gorgeous this midwinter. It's kind of a dreary day today, but it does look... Gorgeous. A little... Someone just like slops a barrel of fish heads out onto the street. Lovely, lovely day. I kind of had this image that it would be like dry, but now that you're saying midwinter,

it's got to be slush and ice and... I mean, I think January, right? Yeah. Well, we know it, but there's people that listen to this podcast that aren't from Canada, right? That don't get the winters that we get. Canada, eh? Yeah. So I imagine, like, we step out and there's, like, sloshy and, like, cart tracks and horse tracks.

This midwinter isn't very pretty, Jack. But if you want to stay for it, I'm in. It's slushy and gross. There are some long icicles hanging from the eve. of the buildings all around you, which would suggest that recently it was really, really cold here, but things are starting to thaw

in kind of like a yucky, early thaw. One of those midwinter warm days. Red runs up and breaks an icicle off and starts wielding it like a dagger, like a kid would. And he stabs Doran's coat and it breaks. Yeah. This kind of solemn parade

rounds a corner. Looks like the believers of some religion are headed from one place to another. It's not a very cheerful procession, just like... Oh, there's some weird chanting going on. No flagellation. Damn! Jack, this midwinter is a real downer. I mean, everybody celebrates it differently.

I don't know. And again, it's tomorrow. Today's the midwinter Eve, if you will. Midwinter day. That's celebrating to me, and I point at them. Doran kind of grabs your coat and tugs on you a bit there, Jack. And he says, that's not the devil-worshipping group, is it? The Esmodians.

I don't think they're Esmodians. No, it doesn't quite line up for me. If it is... Well, do you know what they're doing... Who that is? Let's ask them. Who are you, and what are you worshipping? Red calls out to the street.

One of the younger acolytes is sort of momentarily distracted from their purpose and then sort of regains their composure. You're walking the street. You can't expect to not have anyone notice you. A stride in their purpose. We're walking here. And then they round the corner out of sight. Yeah, midwinter, it's got this strange vibe.

Some people are clearly celebrating. You smell cooking on the, the air behind closed doors somewhere in the dock ward people are making really yummy things to eat but then also you're seeing this like weird religious fervence some people are obviously there's this parade that's just gone by and um you hear music coming from down the street as you head uh to find what you're looking for some armor for marie yeah we'll look for a shop or a blacksmith people snubbed me.

You see that? Mari, people are a believer of the dinner. She's just like, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I kind of, when you said midwinter,

I thought it would be a little more festive. I thought they're... Well, it's not New Year. It's... True, true. I guess we would have like a, like the little village,

we'd have a little shindig, if you would. And it would, it was generally pretty nice, But I guess, I guess you city folk are a little more dour. Not just a city folk either. We had Christmas. What'd you have?

Just straight up worship Jesus Christ. Christmas. It's a beautiful holiday with a tree and little glowing globes. In my good Catholic D&D actual play podcast? No, no, no, nothing about that. We just called it Christmas. I think the rough translation would be, Interesting.

Oh, you speak primordial? Interesting how those words sort of loan words get passed down through the ages. So there are no follow-up questions. Yeah, I used to give presents. I recall as a child celebrating this midwinter dreary gloom with a similarly dreary gloomy party. You know, people would bring, you know, thick stews and we'd mope about how unflavorful they were. The boys aren't selling it the way you think you are. just putting it out there.

Wow. Just to hang around in this town and all you're saying is it's a fucking mopee. No, I mean, listen, I want to hang around in the town because... It's a holiday for gross soup. Oh, this sucks. I promise you there won't be gross soup or

there won't be gross soup on purpose, I guess. Mom, this soup has no flavor. Well, there's no flavor outside, so that's what you get. We have flavor at home. Flavor. All right, well, let's go to the market. Maybe we'll find some people that don't suck

and red heads off towards market. Mari just takes a knife at her belt, and she carves a line down the staff that she's holding and a bunch of flowers comes out, and she's like, well, we might as well try to maybe have this be a little less dour and depressing, and she gives them each a little boot and ear. Oh, wonderful.

Why? Doran's like, it's not different. It's right into it. That was that a little bit of her. Oh, that's a great. I love that. Thank you. Red eats his first.

She gives him another one. Those are poisonous for cats. Yeah, oh my God, no. I'm not a cat. Oh, thank you. Sorry, I didn't mean to eat it. I thought it was delicious. Well, this is kind of a pretty little present.

Thanks. Yeah, see, now it's more like Christmas. It's in Doran's beard, along with the chicken wings. Doran tucks it under his, like, outer jacket, so you can't see it. So he's like, I'll just keep this to myself. And present it with pride. Red walks over and like fold your little coat back. Yeah.

You do that. And as soon as you turn away, he folds a back over. He does not want to be seen with this flower on his jacket. Jack's got his very stylishly, like, displayed on his shirt, like, through the right buttons. Jack's got a little special hole that's been embroidered on the shirt specifically for the stem of a boot. All right, Doran. I see why you don't want to do it now.

That's right. He doesn't look very good. No, it's a beautiful flower. I just, you know, can't. I have my reasons why I don't want to walk into an armory and have a flower on my armor. Whoa, whoa, whoa, toxic masculinity and my dice shame? Get out of here. You let that flower show with pride.

Maybe it means something specifically for like dwarven warriors to wear a flower. Maybe it's like how blacksmiths pick up other blacksmiths. No, I was leaning more towards the toxic masculinity. Absolutely. Come on. Mari leans over to red and whispers in his ear and just goes, I bet you two gold pieces that one of these days. I'll get him to fill his beard with flowers.

I will raise that to seven if you can do it today. I want it to happen more than anything I want in the world right now. I'll find a way. Do it. Challenge on. You know what? He's such a contrarian. I'll just tell him that he'll never do it and then he'll let you do it.

See, Alex has no issue with this. I just wanted you to know. Alex has no issue with this. Messing myself. I'm just saying it. It's called role playing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not a dwarf.

No, I know. Oh, hold on. But no, I mean, but there's some things that can transcend through roleplaying, and I don't want people thinking I have toxic masculinity. We appreciate the clarification. Yes, good job. But Doran does. The party rounds the corner into this wide open square,

and this music reaches your ears. There's a crowd of people gathered here and there under open awnings where stalls are laden with preserves and food, people hawking things at the top of their lungs. And there's a little cloud here. Get your mushrooms here. Fresh bagels, fresh water devian bagels. Anybody want a dried meat? Get your hot fresh fish meat here.

Dried meats, dried meats, dried meats. Silks. Horrifying silks. Beef. Lots of. of dried meat. Sweaty parogies. Two for one. Sweety parogies.

Oh, no. There's like a dwarven stall. The hands of the lost. And it's just a lady with hands. Two for one. Who's hands are those? Ladders. Bland stew?

Blandstew, anybody? Is it really bland? It's really bland. Hands and mushrooms are really the midwinter festivities. Like you can't buy hands every day. But you can get them. But today, Midwinter Eve.

A little gnome who comes up to you, Doren, and he grabs you by the sleeve. Mr. you look real strong. Oh, I am. He is. He's the strongest dwarf in the whole damn city. And anyone who says otherwise, sorry, don't know. Can't you test your strength? Test your strength against the orc, mister.

Hey. He drags you forward into the midst of this crowd. And as you are pulled into the center of it, a rousing applause. comes from this crowd and you see that you are face to face with this beefy orc. His veins bulge through his giant

musculature. You know, all of his skin is barely containing how just frankly beefy. Oh shit, Doran, that guy looks beefy. Roll for initiative, let's go. I don't know how else to describe

the beefiness of this orc. Thick with many seas. I want to say like... It's astounding. I want to say like Orick Splitters whispering my ear, you know? Come on. Fuck him up. Kill him.

And then Doran's like, no, no, no. No right now. It's like a bunch of canned hams desperately trying to burst out of like a plastic bag. Yeah. It's like a canned far past expiration date that's buckling under the pressure. Anyone else have a simile for me? Waiting for botulism to break. That's right.

That's right. Ill-contained sausage. And the noming. He's like, all you have to do is chop this wood. And in front of the orc, there is a pedestal with a mountain of a stump of wood. Oh, okay. Looks maybe two, three feet across, and then there's a similar platform with another trunk of wood. And the orc hefts a woodsman's axe.

Have you got another wood axe that I could, uh, that I could board? for this contest because there's nothing I like more than a contest of strength in front of a crowd of people. Am I right? And he turns and throws up his arms. You're actually going to do this. Oh, of course. A dog can do it. He's the strongest person I've ever met

and I've, well, I haven't met that guy and he's pretty strong looking actually. Of course. It's for fun. It's for fun, right? He turns to the gnome. If you can do it, you'll get ten gold. And if I lose? Murray gets to put flowers in your beard. I like the idea that Red would just immediately like nerf his own bet

and he'd be like, ha-ha! And he'd be like, wait, I lost. Oh, wait, damn it, I lost that bet then. Shit, whatever, that's still if you lose. If you lose, it costs one gold. Hey, I can afford one gold. One gold's nothing to this dwarf. Make it five.

One gold and your pride. Yes, pride is something I take very, very seriously. He's got no pride? And Doran sort of circles the big stump as he's eyeing it. Someone hands you an axe from the crowd. He takes it without looking, looking for the right angle, for the right, you know, position. All right. Let's do this.

One gold. And I pull a piece of gold out from my pouch and I hand it to the gnome. I expect to get nine, I expect to get ten more back. Just before he goes, Mari just puts her hand on his shoulder and just, says good luck, but she also casts guidance. Oh, nice. Does that give me an advantage?

You can add, you could roll another D4 and add that number to an ability check. That's the one that looks like a triangle. All right. I'm going to roll with my lucky yellow dye. How does that sound, people? Let's do it. And before you go, Red jumps up and just says,

come on, people, give it up for my friend Doran. He like tries to whip the crowd into a bit of a frenzy. That's right. He's come from him. far. He's comfortable. Oh shit, wait a minute. We're supposed to be on a cover. Never mind. So subtle. He jumps back down. I'd never

met this man in my life. Who are you? Good luck, sir. Boren Byrnebield. The names are... That's right. Boren Boren Borgbeild. Boren. Yeah, Boren Brogherbeild. Yeah. Yeah. You got to get him a tattoo, Jack. Mm-hmm. It's like memento, so he doesn't

forget. It'll just be our names. Make a strength check as you attempt to cleave this trunk in half. Can I use a luck? Oh, no. Can I use a luck roll? You're lucky, so you get to choose when you use it. Yeah, plus you get that extra D4.

You also get a critical on a 19 or 20. So I'm going to use Lucky. On the D4, I rolled a three. Nice. That's pretty lucky. On the D20, I'm not going to tell you what I rolled. I'm rolling lucky for a reason, okay? You remember to turn the axe the other way around before he came down.

That's right. That's right. He swings it back into his own head. Oh, no. That's going to be a total of 16. That's not very good. Doran, your axe bites deeply into the wood, but seems to become stuff.

Ooh, and there's like a, ooh, amongst the crowd, I imagine. And you are unsuccessful. Hey, he's not done, he's not done, you're not done, right? Well, how many cleaves do I get? I turn to the gnome. You watch as the orc flips the axe, catches it right before in a single blow carving this wood in half easily. The crowd loses its mind, applauding, cheering.

Well, I think the game is rigged. Gearing at you, Doran, for being weak. And the little gnome says, all right, double or nothing. Double or nothing, eh? So what, I'm going to have to give you another gold, and you're going to give me 20 if I chop second one in half. If you can manage and they wheel out another fresh stump for you.

All right. You got it. It's a deal. And he hands the gnome a gold point. Doran lines up his axe and he's about to take a swing and then hold on a second. I want to switch stumps. And he goes and he stands in front of the orcs

stump. You see the little gnome's eyes kind of get panicky. Well, and... Well, there are. equal size. I mean, surely there's not a problem if I take a whack at this stump. This pedestal

here is more for your size. Hey, we say if he wants to switch us crowd, we say go for it, don't we folks? Let him switch. Who cares? The or stronger, yeah. Yeah. People are starting to whisper a little bit and the gnome is like, yeah, yeah. I mean, after all, the orcs got another

couple feet on me. If there's anything that I should have the lower pedestal. No? It's not a scam, is it? Okay. All right. What say you, little gnome? All right. Okay. Marry comes back over and she claps him on both shoulders like it's like a like a boxing match. Yeah. Come on, you got this, Rocky. You got this one. You got this. And there's just a very, very subtle glow just underneath her palm that you could barely see. Well, thanks a lot. Mari and Doran's a little confused. He doesn't understand that you're casting a spell.

So, let's take another whack at this. What's magic? You know what? I don't think we're getting into battle. I'm going to use a lucky. Like, what the hell? Might as well make it count, right? Burn your spells.

Oh shit, whatever it is. Yeah. Burn your stuff. Days don't go real long. The second one was the worst. Yeah, last luck died. Last one. Yes.

Your pride's on the line. My pride's on the line here. It is. It is Midwinter Eve after all. I'm going to go. I can't use my original one, can I? No. Okay.

It is what it is. It's going to be a 12. Ooh. Even with the D4? Yeah. Oh, my God. Doren, I don't know. Maybe this crowd's getting into your head or something.

You swing your axe, but it still, it goes through more. cleanly than before somehow. Hmm. But you still fail to cut this stump. And then with a look of triumph on his face, this beefcake orc raises the axe high overhead, swinging it down through this clear winter air. And the axe also lodges in the stump.

Uh-huh. And he looks around, outright. What's going on? on here. Doren gets confrontational and he steps up right in front of the orc. He says, what's the big idea? You're trying to cheat us out of our money? I have nothing to do with this. You mean? That little gnome. The orc looks around expectantly for the gnome. The gnome's gone. You mean? You look around and this gnome is totally gone. Oh. Where is he? I'm going to tear him limb from limb. Oh, hold up. Hold up. Hold up. I'm sorry you both got swindled. It's the first rule of

Street, somebody's always trying to cheat you out of your money. But I think it's very important, it clearly feels very important that you two know who's stronger. So why don't you put your elbows on that stump, arm wrestle, and then buy each other a drink. Yeah, that's what we all want to see. Ain't that right, people! And Red whips a problem.

Come on! Woohoo! You just want to know who's the stronger without that, you know, the goblin making it all crazy. They all got cheated. Right here. Red helps Jack clear off the stump. Your arm here. Orky, and your arm here, Dwarfie.

Oh, let's do it. What do you say, Ork? Bring it on. On the count of three, I'll let go, and you two pull each other's arms and try to... What is it, Jack? You break each other's arms? No, you just... Whoever can fold the other arm back onto the stump first.

Gross. All right, here we go. Three, two, one, go. I'll break you in half, dwarf. Not if I have anything to say about it. I rolled a five. A 15. Hey!

Doren, what does it look like when you win this strength contest? You know, the beads of sweat are definitely there. Like, I don't care if you rolled a five. The guy's clearly, like, bigger than me. He's got longer arms. Leverage. Doren gives it all. And then he's thinking about all the battles he's been in

and all the stuff he's gone through. And he brings it all up and he forces the fork's arm to the table. And then he stands up, he looks a little bit surprised. Hey, hey, good battle. Listen. And Ork Splitter's like, fuck yeah, fuck yeah. That's amazing joy, you're the best.

Listen, it was a good arm wrestling. He reaches a hand out for a handshake. The orc shakes your hand, begrudgingly. You can see kind of blush rising on his cheeks. Now listen. He stands up. Let me buy you a drink. Let's forget the money that we've lost to the swindly gnome.

What's say you? We get a drink somewhere. All right. There's a bar just there. He points just across the street, and there's this little tavern. Perfect. Come on. And the orc slings an arm across your low shoulders. He's like four feet taller than you, and then the two of you march off into the tavern. As Doran and this orc disappear into this shadowy bar, you see that the shop next door,

is actually an armory. Well, I suppose with the theatrics out of the way, we should go armor shopping for you, Mari? Yeah, it would be nice to get something. I guess we lost the guy who's supposed to be really good at it, though. Well, he went to the armory. You see, he had to, traditionally, I have to have the arm wrestle before the armory. It's the, uh, wah, wah, wah.

Yeah. I'm not going to give that a laugh. You don't deserve it, Jack. You've done better. Mari just gently donks Jack in the head with the staff. Listen, I've had a hard day. You got me some slack. All right.

It's true. It's true. You might have had worm bellies, but we had to deal with your wormbellies. I hate so much pineapple that I have a canker sore. What do you? We're all suffering. We got barely drunk last night and swam in a pool with our friends and bonded. Okay?

So we all had a rough one. Let's just put it there. You win? All right, fine. Now I feel bad. Let's buy you a book. Come on. It was actually there's a game store over there I was going to go check out.

Games? What kind of games? I don't know. I've been feeling nostalgic. There's a board game I remember playing as a kid. I was going to see if they had a set. And I'll, uh, might be something fun to play around camp. Okay.

Well, uh, look, why don't we, uh, I'll go and get Maori set up and then I'll meet you over at the game store. Yeah. Are you going to play D&D inside? of D&D. Do it. Do it. Cool.

Red and Mari, you enter this armory. It's called Flex Armory. Cool. Nice. And you see lots of cool, shiny things hanging on the walls. Doesn't sound like anyone's actively making armor here. Maybe it's just a reseller. And the shopkeeper, who's this gangly looking human dude, just standing, really bored behind

the counter. Welcome to Flex Armory. Straighten up, you've got an adventurer in here, my friend. I know. Well, most people who come in here are. Hello. Hi. He's the adventurer.

I'm also here. No, she's an adventurer too. She killed, I mean, she saved people. Adventureers saved first and killed second. Yeah, should you be telling people that I kill? That feels weird. Yeah, it's okay. We only kill back now.

It's fine. We only kill bad guys. Sorry, sorry. Anyway. I'm not going to, like, judge you or anything. Oh, that's okay. We don't care about you anyway. I don't mean that in a mean way.

What I mean to say is you're nobody. No, no, no. I mean to say that you're a non-player character. What my friend is trying to say is I need to get some armor. Yes. And I want to see what you have available. Yes. Because I, and she just sort of gestures to her toggle coat, which is nice.

But it's not designed for anything other than like maybe a medium snow. Now, normally we shop at Kevin Kastner. store, but we're happy to kind of take a peruse at your flex. That's right. Oh, my God. That's from, like, episode six. I remember. Lion Shield Kevin Costner.

Lion Shield Costner. That's awesome. There's so many Kevin Costner references in this show. I think that's the most surprising thing. He's just that cool. It's a motif. He's pretty awesome. Anyway, but we're willing to kind of, you know, peruse some competitive because, you know,

we want to make sure that we're supporting the whatever. but you don't seem very interested in art. What are you looking for? I can help you. I don't know. What kind of armor's are there? And that's when Doren comes in a little bit drunk. Not a lot.

Just a little tipsy. It's been eight minutes. What a friendly, friendly, z-z-orch. Oh, so you're looking for armor, eh, Murray. What were you going to say that starts with Zed? Zork. His name was Zork, the Ork. Oh, wow.

We want to get us some nice iron armor. Something really strong, right, Dorn? Something that, you know, would stop that, you know, just punched right through. Well, I think something iron might be a bit heavy for her. Steel, maybe, steel. Yeah, steel, some lightweight steel, maybe methril, if you've got some mithril. And I try squeezing it on. I can't wear metal.

Oh, right. Can't or won't? You told us that already, didn't it? Both? Is it like a personal choice? It's all vegan. Or is it, you know, you're allergic to it or something. She's born that way.

No, no, animals were harmed in the making of this armor. No, no, I know that. I know that there is that it's not a, that it's not a, it's not an ethics thing. Look, locally sourced, organic. But, you know, she pulls at her character sheet. You see right here in the book, it says. Yes, yes, yes, she told us. But, but why can't you wear metal armor?

Well, when, when I, when I joined, when I joined my Druid circle, and I joined my circle, and I started doing that. You take an oath to only to, I'm trying to think of how to, I'm trying to think of a word this. Do you mean like a square? You ever, you know how, like if you. Is it about your God? Because if it is, we don't care.

We won't tell anybody. Well, look, I mean, I'm not going to argue you took an oath. Well, I, part of the oath was that you were the things such as metals like that, that, that doesn't, It doesn't, you can't wear it as armor. The only weird sort of restriction is that only items from, if it was ever anything like that, it would have to come from the sky as part of the order. But these are things from the ground, which I made my oath,

and I'm really trying to stick by it. So, like, you know, I can break little things. Like a necklace is fine or a ring is fine. So do you have any media medal? Um, like you've been talking this whole time to read about your awkward choice and the dude's been like rolling this little, uh, wardrobe cart out from the back. He's like, well, so there's, um, I've got a couple of options actually for you. You have Meteor? No.

No. No, the M is for medium. She's like, yeah, I'm a medium. Uh, if you're looking for like a breastplate, I have this and he holds up. I think this is some kind of like monster chitin. It's like thick brown orange and it's like pitted and bumpy. But it's been skillfully cut into these plates to form a breastplate. And on the sides, it's kind of woven, almost like a corset with this thick cord.

Nice. Dorn's like kind of feeling it and like measuring the quality with his fingertips, you know. And he's feeling like, yeah, yeah, you can tighten this. Oh, yeah. He's sort of like picking up and inspecting it sideways and like... Kind of looks like a lobster. Yeah, that's right. It sort of reminds me of those crab creatures we fought in the tunnels.

Hey, that'd be sort of fitting. Mari, speaking of fitting, why don't you go into that back room there and try this on? Try, try, you know, well, you can even put it on over top what you're wearing there. Let's just see how, see if it could say if it's comfortable. I don't know that you need privacy to Don Armour, do you? No, not really. He doesn't know how she works yet. Yeah, he's like, he's like,

as Doran looks up and down at her again. Not in the weird boobs. But in a weird way, this time. Now he's like, what's under there? What's going on? Eight minutes in of drinking. Maybe we'll take a couple of hits your chest here and see how protected this armor is. Wow.

All right, well, before Dorn starts attacking, I'm going to go check on Jack. I'll see you guys in the room. sure hey red while you're out there keep an eye for a tattoo shop hey oh yeah i'll i'll get you a booking i'm kind of uh i'm kind of becoming a little bit more uh you've you're kind of talking me into it now i like the idea yeah that's the dorn i like marie how does it look how does it fit do you like it yeah she she sort of puts this on it's very rough it's just like something that she's not used to generally she's used to things being like pretty well tailored and she's a leather worker she has experience doing that so she understands and knows that the craftsmanship is good

and that it's it's well made but it feels odd in the way that like when you're when you you know when you when you try on like a fancy outfit for the first time and it feels almost like constricting in a weird way yeah but you said it was you said it was um it's all natural materials it is yes this is made from some monster hide like crab like a monster crab type thing that's kind of Kind of, yeah. How much is this? Let me just see. There's like a little price tag on the side.

He just pulls it off and like out from underneath your armpit and he looks at it. He's like, um, it's, uh, it's marked down from 800, uh, seven, seven 20. Seven hundred 20? She, uh, for this? Yeah, she makes a, she makes a look like, uh, your eyes are watering because she does not have that much gold at all. Um, well, what do you, uh, look, and he's like, um, Um, I've also got this, uh, this plate male. Um, I mean, it's not male because it's made of iron wood.

So iron wood. But it looks, um, like it'd be pretty heavy on you. You need a strength of 15 to wear this. That ain't happening. Uh, she is not built to be strong. She's built to be in the distance. Dorn's going to try, try and do a little bit of, uh, of a negotiating. tact here. I'm going to do the buyer of a use vehicle tactic. Good, good, good, good.

Kick Mary in the tires. You know what, Mari, don't worry about it. You know, we really don't need, you don't need this kind of armor. We'll get you something in another town, something that's a little bit more, you know, within our price range. I mean, $720 for this. I mean, look, and he

starts knocking on it and he's like, lumpy. I don't know, I don't know, it's you know, the craftsmanship is okay, but I mean, you should see some of the stuff. And we could get it out in Rassalanta for half the price. Just hold on there, sir. Let me talk to the owner. And he walks to the side of the counter and pulls down this little cord and there's like a little horn attached to it.

And he starts whispering into the horn. Dad. What do you think about giving? He hears a little voice coming from the other side and he puts the cord. back up on this hook on the wall. There's a tiny gnome that's in there and it's relaying. It hears and it just yells back and it's like, he said he's coming down.

It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. We can do as low as 650. 650. That's the lowest we can go. Yeah, that's okay. No, you know, we're not really looking to spend that sort of money on a piece of quality like this. I mean, I'm a blacksmith.

We're going to go, we're going to go to the next town. We'll put something together for it. It's really not a problem. Don't worry about it. Don't waste your time. Good luck. Blacksmithing for someone who can't wear a metal. Oh, I know my way around this stuff.

Don't worry. I've got a, we've got a skeleton of a crab out there just waiting for my hands to get on it. So thanks very much for your time. And, you know, I hope you're able to sell that piece to someone that doesn't want to wear,

you know, because there's lots of people that don't want to earn metal these days, right? Redd, you're walking down the street when out from a random door. They had it. Can you believe it? They...

Oh, my God, Jack. That's not how you say hi to someone. Oh, sorry. I would just excited. Get me a hot attack with that mask. No. Oh, you're not wearing a mask. Your skin's still so loose from those worms.

It's not good. I know. No, but they had a... Look at this. It's the board and the cards and everything. It's kings and horses. Have you ever played this game? I don't think so.

Does it have kings and horses in it? I mean, it's metaphorical a little bit. Oh, then no, I haven't. I mean, I just had a really good memory of playing it, you know, it's perfect. for two to four players. I figured, you know, around the campsite rather than sometimes it might just be fun to do it.

Well, that's two players. That's us. That's you and me. That's two. They're looking at it. Come over here by this fountain. Let's take a look. And Red goes and sits by like a big fountain and like pats the stone to lay it between us. Let's take a look. Jack looks for, I think he takes off his jacket and like towels off the stone a little bit to get the slush and stuff off of it and, you know, tries to find, gingerly sets to think. Maybe we won't set up the whole thing. I mean, it's not that, it's not that much big a deal to set up.

There's just a little bored. There's some cards. Now, just like a lookie, and I'll listen to the cards and get my fingers on them. And, like, Red's hands, like, his paws just kind of, like, wiggle in the air. And you can, like, see how, like, dark they are from the dirt and crime, you know? And you just, like, have this moment of fear as he, like, I just want to kind of leaf through the cards a little bit, you know? Like a Renan-Stimpy version of a close-up where you can see the germs. Yeah.

Yeah, you know, it's a, and Jack hands him over. It's not about keeping them pristine. It's a game for taking on adventures. It's going to get dirty. That's the whole point for it. Christine, I would never dream of dirtying these cards. Are you kidding? And Red starts licking his parts.

But it's just, you know, you play rounds of cards, you take tricks, you get to do move the pieces on the board. It's just, I, you know. Wow, these are cool. Are these little pieces metal? There's like a little horse here. You could paint him if you like. That's a whole different part of the hobby.

I don't get into that one, really. Borghammer. That's good. So what do you do? Is there like a jenga? No, no. We'll play it some other time. I just, you know, I was looking for something we could do around, you know, camp while we're out there in the tent that wasn't just sitting around and getting drunk with Doran all the time.

I figured maybe, you know, we could look inward a little bit. I just was... No, I like it. Look, and there's four pieces. This one would be for you, and this one be for me, and this one for Doran, and this one for Murray. Look, they even represent us in a way. Red holds of his, which is like a feather. Well, you're right,

that one is red. Then see, you get the whole red army and you get that piece, and then he pulls out all the other, like, red pieces that are up in the box. I like them. I really like them. The main pieces are a little cheap-looking, but I... It's entirely symbolic. That's not the...

You know, that's aesthetics, but you don't need it to look perfect to play the game. That's really not the point. Who cares about that stuff? I just like to imagine that, like, as Red's going through the cards that he, like, every time you, like, goes to do and he like licks a finger and then like lifts like sort of like lifts the card but his hands are dirty so it leaves like a big muddy fingerprint on it. Red's way of thinking he's being clean because he doesn't want, he's like self-conscious that

Jack would think he's dirty and he's making it so much dirty. It's like a child would do. He's like, I'm fancy. I took my shoes off, but he walked in and out with his socks on. But you're full of jam. Exactly. Where did you get the jam? Well, I really like it. I think it. I think it's. It's beautiful, Jack. I think, what a great idea. I just thought it would be fun.

Yeah, trying to think about how when we take off this time, how it might be a little bit, you know, I don't know, different. I might feel different. What do you mean? Well, I mean, it's our first big foray, and I'm, you know, even in some of the places where you think you might be the safest, hell, coming home to visit somebody you could be dead and alone one night and surrounded by friends who

don't really like the stuff you like the next night, so I figured we could maybe find something we all could get into. Yeah, I guess you had kind of a brush back there in the sewers, eh? We never really talked about it. Wait, that's right. I guess you guys went and had a great bath and left me. Oh, Jack, look, I'm sorry. That wasn't really intentional.

Honestly, I just weren't married to feel safe. I recognize that it probably felt a little crass that I was making light of what you were doing but I don't know I was kind of scared that Maori would get cold feet and see what happened to you and you know we need her I'm sorry I was too focused on you know making sure that that she felt safe that I wasn't concerned about you and Red puts a hand on your shoulder and I should have been

I never would have let anything happen to you I hope you know that. I always, always have you back. Well, that's great. I didn't, I don't really want to get into it right now. You know, I just wanted to find something we could all like. I think that was the, and I'm glad Mari's, you know, trying on armor over there. Hopefully Doran's not scaring her off. Well, if he is, then she won't last long anyway. And ain't that the truth, right? I am sorry. You don't have to talk about it, but I need you to know that. I'm sorry. Well, thank you. I think sometimes you just got to flatter them.

You can't just threaten them. Sometimes just got to tell them like, oh, look at how beautiful this is. Well, you know, I don't really have a leg to stand on here. I can't argue with you. Obviously, whatever you said worked. Oh, hey, you too. Wow. That's quite a spanking. What kind of creature is that? And Jack's up trying to figure out what kind of scorpion monster beast was turned into.

Classic. Doran, did you talk him down with your wit and your charm and your knowledge of blacksmithing? How much low how much lower did he go? Admittedly, I'd like to say that I did. Well, hey, he looks at Mari. I think it's a team effort. I mean, I got him down the first couple hundred. You got him down the second couple hundred.

You did it better together. You loosened the jar and then passed it over. That's right. It still counts. But I think it's very, very dacons. And you know what? It's not metal. And I don't know about you, but you know, you can really kind of make this your own.

Yeah, yeah. And she taps against the armor with like her staff just a little bit and just sort of gets used to this weird feeling of something that's like hard. Clunky a little. Yeah, it's a little. Like she feels she's smoothed it out a bit just so it's a little bit less like protruding. And she's still got her coat over it. So she's just got it. But look at this, and Red breaks off another icicle from the fountain and stabs you just like he did door an hour ago, and it just crumples.

See, now you're protected. It's a total scam, and it just, like, goes right through it. She dies right there. I like to think that, like, it used to have, you know, fake pecks and abs on it, you know? But, like, you're like, no. Yeah, like the Batman nipples. Yeah, yeah. It had giant nipples.

I'm sorry. Just flatten them out. Get him out of here. Well, it looks like you're ready to adventure, and I'm glad you are. Yeah. That's going to give you a little bit more peace of mind, you know. Speaking of adventure, Jack says,

as he's packing up the game pieces and shoving in his bag. I was thinking because we're in town for another day or so, and I can't get that Cabins the Thundrick guy off my mind. The fact that he looked like Remy, the fact that, you know, that whole thing happened last night when I was, I just been thinking about it a whole lot, And I figured if ever there was going to be a chance we could find a party full of stuffy nobles to crash and figure out what this guy's deal was, you know, it's never really been my crowd, but I could probably at least get us in the door, and then we could see if we could find something out. Maybe that would be fun to do while we're here.

Well, hey, sure, I'd like to play a little espionage, sneak in there, try to scout this bad guy, you know? I mean, Mari's an expert. You and her crashed a party to start. That's how you met, right? That's right. That's true. I had a party crash. I would totally love to do another party.

I want a tachshed. My fingers are crossed and they've got some bland stew. I'm telling you, like, you guys got to try it. It's very flavorless. Well, when we get to the Great Peaks, I can't wait for all that good Dwarven cooking. There probably won't be any left by the time we get there. So sad. You're going to miss it.

Boy, is it mediocre. You don't think they'll be leftovers? It sounds like something where they'd be leftovers. I can't somewhat wait to try it, probably. There's usually lots of leftovers, it's true. Oh, but before we leave, we've got to get you that tattoo so you can disguise yourself. We want to make sure that you don't get tracked down again. And I tracked down a shop.

It's just past the game shop. Look, Dorn and I will go do that. We're going to get him a magic tattoo so that he can cast disguise self at least once a day. If anyone wants some fresh ain't. And then I think that's a good idea. We should crash a party and maybe find a little bit more. on the plan that you were talking about. Hells, yeah.

Well, maybe Mari and I can go see if we can figure out which party to crash. Sounds good. Okay. I don't know. They don't get along. The two of them don't enjoy each other's company. It's okay. They'll figure it out.

I trust it. Let's go, Red. All right, let's go, Doren. Red and Doren, you make your way to a tattoo parlor called the ink well. It's a lovely place with. peach and mint walls, soft lighting. And they sell books here. Jack would love this place.

So I would like to get a magic tattoo. Something that... This one. It's called a masquerade tattoo. Yeah. It doesn't hurt, does it? You've had a tattoo before. Remember, you have this one and red pointed your other tattoo on your arm.

No, right. Yeah, yeah. That did hurt. Okay. Well... I mean, you were very drunk, so... Yeah. I've only had one nice pint of amber with that orc.

Yeah, that's barely enough to even wake you. Yeah, no, I don't. But the beauty of this thing is it can change because it's a magic tattoo, so you can get anything you want. So I just drew up something for them to put on you, and then you with, you know, an action can change it. So don't worry about what I had drawn up. Yeah, what did you have drawn up?

I don't worry about it. You relax. Go, go start. There's a pretty half-elf woman covered head to toe in tattoos. She's just sitting behind her tattoo chair and like shaking her head at you. She's like, all right, here.

Can you take you, you can do it now? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Just do a quick door. Don't look. Just look at me. Just don't look at the. You got a few tattoos yourself. I want it to be a surprise. All right. Go for it. Where do you want it? Oh, you can move it anywhere too. Right here on my hand. She has this quill.

Ow! I haven't started yet. I haven't even touched you. I've just rolled back your sleeve. Oh, yeah. Did I catch a hair in your, in your sleeve? Well, no, I just, I get, sorry, go on. I'll stop. Anticipatory.

Sir, sir, you're shaking. I'm not shaking. It's a stutter I have. Don't, you're sweating so much. Stop. Just do it. It's like a platinum-colored quill, like a feather pen, essentially, that she places nib-side down against your skin, and slowly, slowly, it begins to dissolve

into your flesh. Now... The whole metal artifact just pours itself in and underneath your skin and it turns into an image of script.

Doren, you recognize Red's handwriting. It says Red, Jack, and Mari. So you don't forget, you big dummy. Oh, this is really, really sweet. Very nice thinking. And then he looks at his hand.

Red? Ha ha ha ha ha ha Thank you once again to our wonderful Patreon supporters Ace Adrian Estock Alexander Reid Alexander Artistic Witch Brian Blas

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Yeah. Hey. Daryl, the only tank got is now. Darwin. Never, ever going to give it up. Darwin. Showing what a dwarf is wrong.

He'll take the down to stream. Don't win! Don't win! Don't win! Never ever got to get you, did it!