Dice Shame - 2-156 | 'Keyed Up'

Episode Date: August 21, 2025

The party negotiates for the key to the Vonindod..._______________________________________________________________________________________________________________Imagine your best game of D&D. The shocks, the twists and turns, the moments that can’t be caught because you just had to be there. That’s Dice Shame.Join our DM Jo, her husband Harlan, their brother Alex & their friends Nic & Timm as they experience those unmissable, gut-wrenching, heart-aching, joy-filled moments.This legendary AP releases a brand new episode every Thursday morning at 1:20 am!Content Warning: animal death, swearing, violence, claustrophobia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I know I haven't said it yet, but they're not goblins. There are other ways to remove a chest piece from the board. Absolutely. Aw, fine. Oh, that's widded. You know how guys are. Betsy's getting scraped up. And cursed.

We're all in the same one quest. How would you like to lead an army? This idea has come up. Like on vacation. Let's kill everybody else. And this was that very boat. God, I hated that thing. But, uh, Tamil doesn't know that.

She was over there fucking getting a face full of fart. you know, it's just like poisonous farts. That's what the poison gas was, just a fart. Zalto just like every night before you shut the down, riffs one into the chest and slams the lid down. It's his Dutch oven? And they'll get a hundred years of my farts.

Uh-huh. Welcome back to this. Dice Shame. This is Season 2, episode 1, 56, keyed up. MVP this week is Liz, who's been working on the Dice Shame Wiki, and this week completed the pages for episodes 1 and 2, as well as for her tireless work on the player damage statistics. You rule Liz, and you are this week's MVP. Wiki Wicit, you deserve it, Liz, and I know Red does the most damage. All right, should we play some D&D?

Yeah, let's do it. Ow! Nick, your eyebrows are gorgeous. I noticed right away as soon as you logged on. I went, look at those eyebrows. Something's different. That's a thing that makeup wearing people do for themselves, I feel like. It's not for other people.

Eyebrows? Yeah. I spent a lot of effort on my eyebrows. Yeah. I love your eyebrows. Thank you. It's like the one thing that I, it's like, I'm inconsistent with makeup wearing. but like my hair hasn't really grown fully back in

and so I like get most self-conscious about my eyebrows. I mean, it suits you so well that I kind of presume that you have been like a short hair person for a long time. I just prefer it. Yeah, like I don't know. Equally, I can't picture Tim. With short hair, right?

Yes, yeah. No, because I think I met you, I think the first time I met you, Tim, you had a short hair. That's true, yes. Because you grew it out COVID, right? Mm-hmm, yeah. It would have been a long time ago.

I, when I met Gigi in 2019, in fact, I had short hair at the time, so she calls me out on the fact that I can't use that as an excuse. She liked it with the short hair, so I may go back to it at some point, yeah. Oh, is she twisting your arm? No, not at all, not at all. It's just I do complain about it enough that it's like, uh, it's something I might go back to. Even I can't visualize it anymore. Yeah.

But it does give you the, like, Ergorn element. Oh, yeah. I mean, all this talk about, yeah, I don't, I go for wizard eyebrows as much as possible. I don't know if that's a good look for me as long as I also too I grow like these long whenever I spy the wizard eyebrows coming in on Harlan I like pin him down with a just wakes up to you looming over him with like some clippers I'd be fine with it what's your chief complaint with the long hair Tim oh gosh I mean at this point owning a place it is the drain now I'm like wait I'm

responsible for all this, this sucks. I gotta admit, purely for practicality's sake, yeah. Because the issue is I don't take care of it at all, so I can't even claim it takes a lot of time. I'm just like, this doesn't do what I wanted to do. It's like, yeah, that's what happens if you don't do anything. That makes me so angry because your hair looks phenomenal. It's beautiful and you do nothing with it.

And Harlan and I've been watching this YouTube channel where there's a guy who's got this big beard and similarly long hair. Beard meets food. And he has the most shiny, supple, luscious hair. And I'm like half watching because it's entertaining and half just like envying. You're entirely watching because it's entertaining.

It's a guy eating food. But also that guy has a team of people working on his hair to make it look shiny and lustrous. You think? Now what's your excuse, Tim? He's like a competitive eater. Have you ever seen? Like you've watched YouTube competitive eating. Not competitive, but like he'll go to a place that has like

all you can eat. Yeah. Whatever, like eat this giant Eclare. I think I may have just seen a video of it. Really? I think I saw a pizza one. It was him eating a big pizza challenge. Yeah, I think I just recently saw that one too.

Yeah. That's so funny. It's really satisfying. I don't know why. It's really entertaining. What's it called? This guy is beard meat meat. Beard.

Beard meat's food. But meat is spelled like meat, like chicken. And he's from Leeds. So he goes, but he goes to the U.S. Yeah, I just saw this pizza episode. episode of his. That's so funny. Isn't his hair beautiful? That's a great beard.

Fantastic beard. Come on. Like Google. Hang on a second. Oh yeah. Beard meets food. He's got a team on that beard, 100%. That's not a solo man's beard. I ended up, I don't know what it is with watching these eating competitions, but I've been so much into it that I've been looking locally to see if there was like an eating competition. Just to like try and fail

Like I wouldn't want to prepare for it And they used to have like a 72 ounce steak one around here Closest one was in you Al it was an Oshua And it just closed like last year It was like a big breakfast challenge at a like a breakfast joint So there's none within like 40 minutes And I got to be within 40 minutes Because I know what's going to happen the minute I finish that

To get it You're gonna have to go poop I want to be here I need to get the help Listen if you're offering a food challenge in your restaurant, you've got to have a bulletproof bathroom. Like, you just have to know, like, you've got to be ready. Extra toilet paper, the febrize spray, you know. Well, I think, and the thing is he, like, talks about it a lot.

Like, at first, you know, you watch one or two videos, you're like, oh, he's just joking because he talks about a shitting a lot? I brought a spare change of underwear. He's kind of, like, joking about it, I thought. But he talks about it so much, you're like, oh, no, this guy fully shits his under. He's not being coy about it. He poops himself. To me, I am so way too self-conscious.

to even use a public bathroom. Like, I despise it. I can't, I cannot do it. So I, uh, I don't, I wouldn't be able to. Even when we go out locally, I'm like, nah, I got to be within 20 minutes to make sure just a case that happens. You know what psychs me out? There's a lot of things making sense now.

Have you ever gone to like a restaurant or something or like any kind of bathroom? And you have to go to the restroom or whatever. And, like, it's one of those single occupancy. It's just got like a door on it and it's a whole bathroom. So you're standing outside waiting for someone to get finished and you can hear everything. that's happening there. And I'm like, no. And you're like, oh, my God.

I, so, I mean, I used to work in a very small office where, like, you walk in the front door and it's sort of like a little lobby. And then there's, like, all the cubicles. And, like, almost in center of all the cubicles is, like, the bathroom. And everybody, so, and here's an eight-hour job. Like, it's a nine to five.

Like, it was, there was, like, and there were tricks, you know, You know, kind of be like, oh, you guys should go check out the do stuff at the back, you know? I'll be like, oh, I'll put this music on a little louder just for no reason. I'm going to go take a pee. Man, it was so awkward. That's humiliating. It became like my number one dreaded thing ever being like, oh, God, well, I have to go to the bathroom today, which is like the worst because a nine to five job is 90% pooping time.

Like, that's how it's supposed to be. You're supposed to get paid for doing that, you know? Pooping factored in. Is it worse to hear someone else in the best? or to know that other people are hearing you. Oh, the latter for me, 100%. Yeah, for sure. But I tend to put that out of my mind.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is when you sit down on a warm seat and it's not like in your house. Like, I'm, it's quite nice when you sit down on a, on the seat after your partner has just finished and you're like, ooh, warm seat. Oh. Not the same niceness in a public bathroom. You cut out. I fully thought you said wet seat.

and then when you start to tell you how at home, sitting in your partner's pee, it did cut out right there. I had to infer what you meant yet. But when you sit on a wet seat at home? Oh, my God. You're so close to my partner when I sit in there pee. Family pee.

Wet seat. But you know, I have this like extreme anxiety, legit anxiety before I go to the bathroom publicly. But I will say, the minute my butt touches the seat in public, I don't really care anymore. It's just all, it's like getting there for some really yeah once i get there i'm like yeah well now i'm here

like what but i don't know why like a seat that's really cold or something it's just like eh and then once you're doing there you're like all right i'm on and i'm doing it now just jump in baby i guess i guess to me i'm like what am i going to do now right like yeah this is me yeah it's like pulling the bandit off all the lead up you know the dance you walk in someone's in there you're like okay i don't want to look like it's that moment where you're you're hoping it's going to be quiet and then it's not you're like well now the cat's out of the bag might as well just go for it

or the shats out of the bag I can't pretend I didn't need to shit now I'm in too deep I can't pretend I'm in here sitting down to pee but like three of us on the show are

parents and we are like intimately familiar with like I was like three I was like wait a minute you me Alex being present and encouraging another person to, like, use the bathroom. Oh, for sure. Literally tonight, I'm sitting with my daughter being like,

are you going to poo? Are you going to pee? Are you going to poo? Encouraging her. But daddy, no. I do that with blueberry. On the toilet, too, eh? I wish. Oh, my God. That'd be amazing.

I've seen videos of pets who will do that. It's always cats. Let's be honest. No, I've seen dogs. I've seen dogs, but there are usually, like, bigger dogs and they never look comfortable. Yeah. Because they know anxiety. That's right.

The bigger they are, the more anxious they get. That's true, though, isn't it? I feel like that's a true thing. Like, big dogs have anxiety or something? You know what I've never seen, actually, is bathrooms in a fire giant fortress. Slick. That's true. That's true.

Where are they going to the bathroom? It couldn't hold any water. Like, that would definitely evaporate. And then you'd have just like hot shit in the magna. Hot shit everywhere. Actually, that's a good question. Hot shit everywhere. Is that the iron slag?

That's what the slag made up. It makes the iron extra, extra strong. That's right. There's corn in my sword. No. Oh, God. I just like, swinging back and look at, wait a minute. Repore the iron.

That's fucking funny, though. Doesn't smell weird. Yeah, for real, though. But, I mean, yeah, they probably just piss in the corner, right? It evaporates. Yeah, there's a pee corner. Maybe fire dynes don't have to pee. Maybe it's so hot, it just evaporates inside their body.

They release it as steam. These and more questions will be answered tonight. Oh, that'd be cool. Maybe we should smell into the air around them at all times. Maybe that's the smell. My character suddenly is very interested to find out where the washroom is. We're the nearest washroom is in this giant priorities. All right.

Shall we do it? Yeah, let's play some D&D. All right. Yay. We need to find a washerman here. Red followed by Temeel and Witted and Wim make their way through this natural gas pipe. Joe, when Witted goes into the tunnel, is Bessie Able? to fit in the tunnel.

I understood that definitely doors. Just as Bessie is getting through the tunnel, it's like, I almost scraping like trails of this black sludge off, like of the shoulders especially are really tight. So it's like,

absolutely. Like as you're squirming through. I think the only way I'm able to do it is because the boots of flying just push off perfectly. Like my arms and legs can't move at all. I'm just sort of like slithering along and you see me at the corners kind of like like it's not working. It's scraping like a ship trying to turn. The passage that is behind

you is like cleaner. Yeah. Like you're scraping. It's like steel wool. You're like scraping Betsy's getting scraped up. Yeah. I think that Tamil would like to take this opportunity to attune to that luck stone that they found in the chest. The one in the cat's eye, good idea. The stone of good luck, sorry. Having your hand contemplating. Fine. Yeah, so it's like a cat face with like a gem.

Yeah, it's like this, it's maybe the size of like a grapefruit, I imagine. And it's this chiseled cat face. And it's fairly mundane looking, except in the left eye. there's this glimmering green gem. Ooh, I think that as she's holding it and she's kind of like feeling the power of this thing and, you know, attuning to it and getting familiar with it, almost like it's got its own presence or whatever.

I think maybe if anyone's looking at her, you'd notice that her left eye suddenly turns into this like emerald green. That's the same color as the gem in the cat head. Oh, that's cool. Does it stay like that? Wild, wild. I think as long as she's attuned to the stone, it will stay like that. I love that so much.

I have inspiration. That's fantastic. Thank you. Love some flavor. Yeah. And cursed. And as you enter the room, you hear the two of them conversing. Doren, as a goblin, is sitting on the torn up bedspread of this

teen giant Yeah And Duren's already kind of prepped him Because he's heard Timil's message And kind of A quick conversation there

And they're just about to arrive here Any minute But I want you to be Totally Just do me favor And don't be too shocked I'm keeping an open mind Okay

I am I am I know I haven't said it yet But they're not Goblins Okay Whatever you guys are all the same To me

Like you're this big fair enough wow red says walking out I'm just kidding red climbs out of the fireplace

and sort of enters the room with a raised eyebrow red red red red red uh red this is all timber it's it's okay

it's Duke Zoltos son who he doesn't respect that fire is that can you imagine the whole thing just charges

Colossus Slayer Murder of Giants oh nice to meet you my name is red this is my best friend oh um and he sort of gestures behind him yeah and and here comes uh timiel and and that's whim so as whims about to climb out and tamil is kind of like has already climbed out he hears um that salt ember saying you're all the same to me you're all little he kind of like with visor open looks nervous for a second and looks kind of trustingly at Wim's back and Temeel and red up there, just barely visible to him. And he takes a deep breath, and he kind of looks behind him.

I don't think he'll be plugging the way if we have to make a run for it. Any more than you are now. It'll just be a minute. And he climbs out of Bessie and sort of stands up almost, like to a crouch in this, like, comparatively, he can now walk Mario's style along, like he's shrunk down at a whole level, and he starts to nervously march forward, and the only thing he grabs from behind him is the shield

that's currently on Bessie's back, straps it to his arm, and then does this move where it slides onto his back, up his arm, and he nervously starts marching forward very much more exposed than you've ever seen him before. Wow. That's cool. But you're leaving Bessie in the tunnel?

Yes, with the idea that if we have to make a run for it, he'll just be the first out. And right now, she's kind of blocking the way anyway. The pipeline continues on past this room. So if you guys needed to really book it, you could leave Bessie behind and come back for her. I never do. But I want to leave the option for other people to run. And Red is like looking at the people as they're entering the room. And he's like, oh, yeah, Temeel.

You know, Doren's introducing them. And he sees Wim walk through. And then he sees Witted walk through. And he's like, and we, oh, oh, my God. Hey, oh, that's Witted. He almost cringes to look even smaller, like a goblin kind of in waves, but doesn't say anything. I think just so. Like seeing him without his signature a hat or something?

Yeah. Zoltember, this is my adventuring party. We're all on this same one quest, and he looks back at the four of you. We're all in the same one quest to stop the war and stop the vaunted dot. Only. Yep. So the only thing that we're missing now is the key to that vaunted dot. And that's what we came here for.

And that's actually what we're doing here is we're looking for that key. So what do you say? Are you going to help us? And it's at this moment where Doran's disguise disintegrates in. Ooh, I'm now the dwarf. But I probably look the same to him anyways, right? If you can figure out how to disrupt my dad's plans so that they don't leave tomorrow, I will help you get that key. But I don't think that taking the key is going to keep that.

I'm leaving. Hmm. Zoltember, would the rest of the fire giants continue with this plan and this war if Zolto were no longer in the picture?

Are you suggesting that we kill my dad? Not necessarily kill. There are other ways to remove a chess piece from the board. Like on vacation. He stands up and starts pacing around the room. The fire giants have always loved war

ever since I was a kid I've been told about the glory of my ancestors about how fighting is in my blood I've done drills I've learned how to work machines everything is about conquering

and winning but I think that if you took away the commander of an army that the army would at least be delayed yeah I think if you took my dad out of the picture

that could work can I roll insight on that I'm just following Timil's lead I want to know we all want to know is he kind of opened to the idea of his dad dying or is he just like you know saying that yeah what's what's what's what's the anger beneath i just want to see if i can decipher it you know when you got a little psycho who's like yeah i want to get my dad at the

picture a dirty 20 dirty 20 nice it seems like he's ready for things to change around here and you get the impression that he'd never really considered this course of action before and that he would necessarily be the one to do the murdering. But if things were to really change around here, he might not be averse to just a little patricide. Just a little bit. A smattering. I mean, a white patricide.

He's definitely an evil character. Like he's, what I mean to say is his alignment is such that he would be, like, kind of open to that. Based on what he told us about fire giant society, it sounds like this idea has come up before. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Well, there's one way we can overthrow him, and I can't think of any other way. Yeah, everyone keeps suggesting this. Yeah, exactly. But I think Timil kind of wants to, like, she's kind of picking up the vibe and kind of wants to play this a little, you know, like, because he's a, you know, how guys are.

You got to flatter him a little. I think she might say something like... Compliment is taste in music. What is this? I love this, muse. This is my chemical romance. It's not necessarily about removing a commander so much as replacing him. You are his only son. How would you like to lead an army?

Or have one at your command anyway? I see what you mean. I've thought before about what it would be like to have iron slag. This is one of the most defensible, powerful fortresses on all of the lands of this earth. And I think my father is extending himself by trying to conquer all the small folk in one go. that if this could be my fortress I would find true power Tamil is nodding along and then messages Red

do we want to actually install him as a leader here in a defensible fortress such as this Red's nodding and he messages back no all right because it's funny because I thought the same thing I thought how cool of a moment would it be for Red to pull up the crown and like roll it to this guy right but no i think i think i think i think i think we're in the realm

of the right move but that's probably not the right yeah i i have a meta thing i the thing is like there's i was not there's something i want to ask but i but tamil was not in the room for it and like it was just you here doran talking to him he said something about uh how his dad has eyes on the Von and Dodd and would be able to tell if something was going on with it and like that seems interesting what does that mean

but Tamil doesn't know that she was over there fucking getting a face full of farts you know it's just like poisonous parts that's what the poison gas was just a fart Zalto just like every night before he shuts one into the chest

and slams the lid down it's his Dutch oven and I open this thing and they'll get a hundred years of my farts. That's what the ashes are? Oh my God. Fart dust.

So there's a few things. Tamil wants to know that. Doran wants to know more about what this giant is thinking about how to either kill his dad or steal the key, cause a distraction. I think is what he originally said. Well, let's meta for a quick second.

What do we want? what's our ultimate goal here? I'll tell you, for me, was quick, as quick and dirty as possible to get out. Like, I was hoping he'd go and get the key from his dad, and then we'd leave without having to deal with the Giants anymore in this particular moment. Have we established that there is a key? Mm-hmm. It sounds like the deal that he's offering is if we can,

like we, in order for him to go get the key, we need to, deal with Zalto. We need to make sure that they're not going to be tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. So he's saying there is a key, but he'll get it to us if. He's saying he'll help you if you help him. So to me, yes.

So the number one goal right now would be get that key without having to fulfill his conditions. Okay. And then ultimately, I think Duke Zalto is killing Duzalto is a must do, but it doesn't have to be at Iron Slike. I mean, you can exploit this Zolt-Tember character however you want. Oh, I'm excited to, Frank. frankly. This kid is malleable. I have been there.

Exploitation. So Red sort of steps forward and says, look, look, Soltemba, this Vonandad, you must have seen it build, held you. Your father must have spoken about it through your entire life, right? Yeah, it was always like von and odd this and odd that. Once the war machine is up, we'll be out of here. God, I hated that. You know, can I share that? something with you I I had a father as well who oh you know all he wanted more than anything my entire life was a brand new boat this boat he wanted more than anything and then he saved up every penny every dollar and he bought himself this perfect boat and God I hated a thing so you

know what I did one day when I was maybe about your age I I snuck out of my bed in the middle of the night I went down to the water I saw his perfect boat the one he shined every night there. You know what I did? I kicked the shit out of it. I kicked it and I kicked it and I kicked it. I kicked a hole right in the bottom of that fucking boat and it sank. You know how I felt? Better than I've ever felt before. There was something so powerful, something so precious about taking something that my dad loved so much. and destroying it. Is this true?

No, no. Roll deception. With advantage for Ferris Buellerism. You know what I did? I took that boat and then I folded it up and then I used it to knock one of your own. And here it is. Stephen one.

Stephen too. And this was that very boat. Not that great. 19. Oh. Okay. It's not that bad. As good as it could have been.

I rolled a five, so you're good. And Redlock's eyes and says, it's not about my dad waking up and seeing it, although that was joyous. It wasn't about all the years I had to live through. It was about knowing that something he cared about so much was gone from this world.

And we can do that for you. we with that key in hand can take what your father held in such high regard, maybe even higher than yourself and we can fucking destroy it no war and most of all no joy for daddy how are you going to do that

you just get us that key and leave the race to us We have a deal I'll see what I can do Okay, now I'd just like to thank our dear Patreon supporters I screw all their names down here Just bear with me

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It's a good thing I have this all written down because I would never be able to remember some of these names. Have a great one and see you around the battlefield. So what you're saying is That if you get that key You can break my daddy's toy If you get us that key We can bust that toy to the next world over Yes, Doran Zoltemmer

Yes Good You can take credit for the whole plan if you want Or you can just continue being his favorite son And he never knows the wiser But it's gone from this And Doran's going to launch from that and he's going to continue the ball rolling

and be like, so. My favorite thing, because it always makes it worse. Do it. No. No, I'm serious. So, are we going to go and find your father? Are you going to bring them up here? What's the best way for us to distract?

I mean, usually the PCs have to figure out how to do that. Listen, it is universally like, shied away from. and yet literally every single person on earth does it. It's the universal thing. Why society? Because it's gross. No, it's more than society. It's like a...

If you don't think farts are funny, then you're an idiot because you're having less joy and the same amount of farts. So... Yeah, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.