Dice Shame - 2-21 | 'Long In The Tooth'

Episode Date: January 19, 2023

Imagine your best game of D&D. The shocks, the twists and turns, the moments that can’t be caught because you just had to be there. That’s Dice Shame.Join our DM Jo, her husband Harlan, their brother Alex & their best friends Rob and Alex as they experience those unmissable, gut-wrenching, heart-aching, joy-filled moments.This legendary AP releases a brand new episode every Thursday morning at 1:20 am!Content Warning: swearing, violence.Part of the Rusty Quill Network Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Is it smart just to reach into a tree? Curse of the mummy. Oh, shoot. And you guys did scorn him, I saw. Turns out I've been chaotic evil this whole time. A small storm located entirely above this tree. Would it be unethical? Now look, this isn't a graveyard.

Every single one's a mimic. Is it authentic? I didn't think that was a thing. No, no one didn't know that? I lied about my gluten allergy. I just didn't want to eat bread. Natural 20. Hey!

Whoa! And I'm adding, so that's going to be 28. Wow. Tell me everything about these rocks. Welcome back to Dyshame. This is Season 2, Episode 21, Long in the 2. MVP this week is Freaky Beakey from the Discord who said, thanks to Dyshame for getting them through their 8 a.m. classes in school.

Thank you, Freaky Beeky. Hope you enjoy this one too. This week we're shouting on our friend Alex Van Ningen, who has helped us out with this episode. Curious how? You'll have to listen to find out. You can check them out at Fyraxian Ninja on Twitter.

All right, should we play some D&D? Yeah. You find yourselves heading east on the long road toward the mountains. As you travel, you come across. cross a cairn of small rocks on the roadside that's standing not quite a foot tall i want to speak to your manager sorry i had to that's low hanging fruit yeah but it was good she's a really short though it's very rare that we get cairn in like a pile of rocks but it has that haircut just on

yeah right on top of it just blowing slightly in the breeze no it's perfect I lied about my gluten allergy. I just didn't want to eat bread. Who brings a sauce? Yep. So you see this cairn. It's on the side of the road. Red walks up and investigates.

Yeah. I wonder if that's a graveyard. Is it more than 100 years old? Grave. Well, I was going to ask you, it was like the dwarven ones that we saw that had. The barbarian. Yeah, the barbarian.

funeral. But I thought there was also so there's the barbarian ones but there was also in that house by the place that starts with a Jay whose name I've lost Jagger. Jalenthar. Jalenthar. In that Jaggerford. Behind there. You're correct. They did.

Chaos Hammer's troop did. So I guess is it more Uthgart or more Dwarven or something else entirely? Well I ruled Investigate and I rolled a 17 if that will help. Red, you go over to investigate this... Oh, well, Ed, with a 19. You build your own.

Do you know all there is to know about Karen? She likes Margarita Mondays and she hates her neighbor's children. As you walk over to this Karen of Rocks for your investigation phase, Red, there's no footprints in the snow that would indicate that this. This has been recently placed. In fact, there's some lichen that's grown up and over. Rob's absolute favorite biota. I'm lichen it. Some lichen that's grown up and over these rocks

that indicate that they have been here for at least a few seasons. Can I decipher which type? Oh, what varietal of Karen? Yes. This would appear. Here, to neither be a dwarven nor a barbarian burial mound. It's smaller for one thing. It's only about a foot and a half across at its base.

And there's maybe 20 to 30 rocks all told. Well, it doesn't look like it's dwarven or barbarian, like the ones we've seen before. Are there any like runes or anything on it, or is it just? Not that you can see, although it is covered in snow and lichen. And is it just the one that's there or looking around? Is there more in the area? It seems like it's just the one. It's like right on the side of the road.

Well, I wonder if this is like, you know, when people get hit by a horse and they put up a burial right here. They put up a ghost horse? Well, they put up a... Some long flowers and a teddy bear. Yeah, exactly. The part of my real word brain is like, oh, I guess it was a kid. Yeah. But it could also here be a gnome or a goblin or halfling or anything small, right?

Like it's a different set of assumptions for a fantasy world. Or a goblin kid. Do we know if there's stones? It could be a pile of skulls. Could be a pile of poop. Doran reaches down and wipes away some of the snow. Don't touch the poop, Doran. What kind of rocks are these?

Are they rocks from around here? Would I... Roll stone cutting. I could. I mean, of any neighborhood, you would know the rocks around fucking gray peaks. true. Yeah, these are stones that were probably gathered from the woods around here, although they all look to be a fairly similar size and heft. These stones were definitely gathered with quite a purpose in mind. Then I'm going to roll my stone cunning, if that's cool.

Of course. See if these were fashioned, like, you know, if they were made. Okay. Or if they were just found stones. See if there's any Tell me your secrets. Carvings or anything. Wow. This episode's going to be called Dyshame investigates a pile of rocks. Natural 20. Hey!

Whoa! And I'm adding, so that's going to be 28. Wow. Tell me everything about these rocks. I want the nitty-gritty details. I, Joe, the DM, don't know a ton about rocks.

It might surprise you to know. But you can hear now from this geologist. Hi there, my name is Alex Vennig. I have a bachelor's degree in geology, or as my wife says, a BS in rocks. The type of rocks I'd expect to see around a mountain, especially Grey Peak, would be more metamorphic and igneous, but you can still find sedimentary there. The rocks that I would expect are going to be nice, gabbro, diorite, rhyolite, and granite, and slate. Given that this is a cairn, usually they are made of flat rocks that are easy to stack, so that makes me lean more towards slate. Fun tidbit, some rocks do have an aura. That aura is radiation.

Doren, these rocks were not created for this purpose. They were indeed scavenged from the wilderness around this area. They're different kinds of stones So it doesn't seem like they were necessarily picked Because of their stone variety Okay Their breed of stone They're just picked for their size They're all slightly different

They're picked for their size, yes Wow If only I had that natural 20 on something that counted Hey, this counts, don't worry about it Well, they're all different rocks They're just been found and, you know, they're all different kinds, just all the same size.

Probably because the person that was doing this was trying to build a pile of rocks. So my investigation tells me that, yeah, nothing. Maybe it was for a pet. Somebody died here a couple of years ago. I'm going to cast Detect Magic. Yeah. Maybe they got buried with a magic necklace.

that we want. Hey, this kid's got a necklace. That's amazing. That was my mom's. How do you know it's not just a pile of like stuff that that's been hidden? You know, I mean, it could be valuables that have been made to look like a grave. Treasure. It could be a sack full of hundreds from a robbery.

Yeah, but they're all sequential. So you can't actually spend them. Yeah. You don't detect any magic, Red. Okay. Apart from all the fucking bling you guys all have on. so would it be unethical if we

took all the rocks off just to see what was buried there and then put all the rocks back on Murray's deeply offended yeah of course it'd be bad is there a headstone nobody's asked that is there a headstone or a cross or anything no there doesn't seem to be any if the investigate in the

oh yeah I forgot to mention there's a cross If that and the stone cunning didn't turn it up. This is a Catholic halfling. Now we can never do this. Dorn accidentally kick it over. Oops. When was it that you guys were like kicking a bunch of graves?

That was an Ufgarb barbarian burial mound. Did Vranda come with us or is she like? Yeah, she's just kicking around. She's like, this is cool. So you guys are just kind of like investigators or you're like, geologists? Now look, this isn't a graveyard. Someone died here. It's small. It's unlike the

other cans we've seen. It does seem to be significant of something, and it could be a significant, maybe there's an entry to a cave off in the woods. Who knows? Speaking of which, Ravender, have you been up this way before? Yeah, I just came from this direction. Do you know what this is? Like, is this, do you know who's

buried here? Honestly, rocks like this don't usually catch my attention. I'm kind of fascinating. that you guys are checking it out. In our defense, the GM pointed it out to us. I'm an archaeologist

and I have to really stop from digging up every grave. And if we hadn't listened to the GM last time, you wouldn't be here, so shut your mouth. Fair enough. I don't have this voice of God in my ear.

Doran says, well, I guess there's nothing and then he clearly like purposefully trips and his hand just like pushes a bunch of the rocks over and, like, reaches into the grave. Doran. Oh, shit.

Sorry. Doran. At least cough when you do that. Why would you do that? Doran, you knock a couple of these rocks off of the top of the cairn. Mantikor. That's right, yes. Curse of the mummy.

Every single one's a mimic. Roll for initiative. No, you reveal that underneath these top layer of stuff. There's a larger stone at the bottom that has a directional arrow scratched on it, and it points into the woods. Oh, nice, Doran. Oh, see? See, you all knock him, but he just did something real useful. See?

Now it's telling us where the actual grave is. It's over there. Or treasure. Oh, yeah. Does the marker look older? Like, does it have more lichen or something that makes it, like, or look more weathered than the rocks on top of it? Like, was it someone trying to hide this other marker? No.

Okay. Does it have anything to do with thieves? I can read thieves can't. It's just an arrow. Okay, just checking. Because I know thieves can't in 100 or 200 episodes or however many episodes we got. What do we at? No, like 160 has never come up once.

What can't they do? Thieves can't use thieves can't in any way that matters to a DVD campaign. Oh, you know what? I don't have thieves can. Never mind. I forgot. You're not a rogue? Hey.

So, yeah, rock with arrow. So, yeah. I guess it's not a grave. And Red runs off in the direction of the arrow. That's what I was going to suggest. What do you guys think? Should we? And Doran starts to walk in the direction of where Red just ran.

By the time everyone catches up to Red, he's standing beside the exact tree that this arrow was pointing towards. It's this massive oak tree that has a hollow in the center of its trunk. What do you think? It's probably something valuable in there. I was going to reach in, but then I thought since Doran was the one who was balzy enough to push over the can and take the scorn from Jack and Mary that he deserved to reach in. And you guys did scorn him.

I saw. I scorned you too, but I didn't really want to. Well, no, go for a red. Reach in there and see what happens. It's a dark hole. Is it smart just to reach into a tree? He's going to stop at him now. Red takes a tip of his bow and, like, pokes it in.

Roll for it. No, just kidding. I'm trying to sleep You hear the crunch of dead leaves Squirrel nest The squirrel was here Alright here we go I can't see I can't see it

I'm too short someone give him a boost No just tell me Mari picks him up like a like a toddler Then you realize how fucking heavy he is She's so heavy She just topples over Because she's not very strong By the time you try to factor in that armor on him, it's a...

He's a hefty little parcel. Yes, it's very dense. Red, you reach blindly into this dark hole, and you uncover nothing except for some dry leaves. Huh. It doesn't seem to be anything in here, except for some dry leaves. I'm going to try to take it,

and I'm going to kitty claw up and, like, look in properly. Okay, yeah. You look inside this hole, climb up the tree, you can get your face right up close to it? Not my, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Whatever. You see in the darkness, in the far wall of this hollow tree, there's another arrow scratched in the wood and it's pointing down.

Hmm. Well, there's nothing here. Let's go back to the road. I'm just going to take a piss and I'll be there with you. Just kidding. Hey, there's another arrow in here, but it's pointing down. Like down into the trunk? I think it's under the tree

And Red, let's go. I think we need to dig. Well, meanwhile, Doran's like circling the tree, you know? Mm-hmm. Does he see anything while inspecting this tree? Nope. Oh, snow here. Don't you investigate?

Like, there's no secret door, like, no doors or maybe holes. No, but that would be awesome. Say, Jack, would you do the honors? I can, yeah. Um, I'll be gentle. Is the tree dead or living? It's like partway dead It's Deliving

It's getting there Yeah There's an opportunity to pull out the rod of the Von and Dodd too If we could ever guess what we think we're trying to find Oh you guys should fucking play a guessing game for four hours What does the rod do? You can find Adamantean things within a thousand million feet Anyway

Jack A thousand million feet Wait you can find Wolverines somewhere Yeah if you Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You were looking for Wolverine. I keep feeling my, my claws hum, what the fuck is going on? Some asshole won't let me.

Yeah, those jerks. That's good. When everybody stands clear of the tree, Jack waves his hand and five square feet of Earth carefully picks itself up from around the roots of this tree without disturbing them and piles itself next to the tree. Jack, after carefully performing this excavation, something you've done many, times before. You find something buried here in the Lomi Earth. It appears to be a partly rotted through leather bag. Jack reaches out with his mind and tries to see if it's less than 10

pounds and he can sort of bring it up to float in front of us. It is. And places it sort of gently on the snow between the five of us. What do you think it is? You can tell Kieran being that is in his doggy form, like, wants to get at it because it looks like it'd be fun to run around within his teeth. It's probably a dead squirrel. Well, it's not magic. Whatever. Red bends over and opens it up for everybody to see.

Red. If this is one of those coins with the goose on it. Oh, man. That's your bet? If it's another fucking portable hole, I'm taking it. I'm going to say one of those mental puzzles. What are they called? A puzzle box?

I think it's just going to be like somebody's really. boring papers they lost. I'm going to say it's 50 gold and a ring that has minor magical properties. Goblin treasure map. All right. Red, you empty this leather bag out onto the snow

and you find a grizzly collection. At least 40 assorted teeth from a variety of humanoids and a tangle of hair different lengths and colors.

Do I recognize this? Not personally. Red worked for an Assassin's Guild for a long time that would often leave like contracts and payments and proof of said contracts in various places. No, it doesn't speak to you as that. Well, I'd say we're all losers here. Red picks up a tooth.

Yeah, it doesn't seem very valuable. Does Jack recognize any sort of this either out of like a historical or arcane context of why someone might put together this kind of ritual pouch full of maybe it's religious. I mean, you can definitely think of a number of different spells that would use teeth as components. As far as the actual use of this bag, it could be anything. Gotcha. It's definitely pretty gross to behold.

Some of these teeth, now that you're taking a longer look at, get it. Yeah. Oh, red's like holding them too. He's like picking them up and moving them around. I was going to say Doren's like putting them side by side to see if they're like from the same creature or and then same with the hair, kind of separating the hair. So different sizes of different colors. Yeah, they they commonly seem to be front teeth, not a lot of molars. Oh, interesting. I don't like this. Do this seem human? Some of them are human. You also note when looking at the hair that most of these people, Pieces of hair seem to have been cut, not pulled out. Interesting.

I'm guessing the teeth still have their roots. Some of them do. Oh. What the hell's around here? Veranda, you've traveled a little bit back and forth. Ladwater is, what, a day away, and the next town is two. Is there anything closer? A couple of settlements, just farms mostly.

Nothing really remarkable. I don't believe I've ever stopped in. No, I haven't. I mean, this is something that had a can, and, I mean, this isn't just a random burial. This has directions associated with it. That speaks to some sort of odd magic, doesn't it? Magic users? Would it be used to it worth doing an Arcana check?

Yeah, you could do an Arcana check. To me, this speaks to, like, ritual payment or something. Yeah. Anything like that. You know what I mean? Like, hags. Maybe it's, like, someone that's doing it for religious reasons. Fun.

I rolled a net 20. Hey! So that's a 30. Hell, yeah. You know all the Akana. You're not familiar with the means of casting some of these spells, though you have heard of their use. You would imagine that teeth and hair like these could be used to bind people to your will,

to scry on them. This is a dark pouch. someone took these items from people willing or unwilling to control them or manipulate them in some way. Yeah, Marie does not want to touch any of the stuff that's in there. She's just keeping, because, yeah, it just feels, the magic feels wrong. What's wrong, Mari? You look scared. These objects are used for things like binding or for controlling someone. so whether this was taken forcefully or things like that

this is this is something dark like dark magic and she she looks over at veranda and is like hey can I see your teeth for a second just gives her a big smile veranda's got all her pearly whites joink I gotta start a collection of my own watch this way behind it's a real twist here

turns out I've been chaotic evil this whole time Can I roll medicine on the hair to see how old it is or perhaps the teeth? The teeth for sure. The hair, not so much. Sure. Go ahead. Yeah. Ooh, that's a 19 plus 3, 22.

We're rolling well. This is such an important episode for you to be investigating rocks and learning about teeth. I roll my first Nat 20 and I roll it for an arcana check where it's sort of like, well, you sort of vaguely know what's happening. Weird evil, dark stuff. That turns out it's weird evil and dark. Yeah. The newest tooth still has some decaying flesh dangling at the very bottom of it. It's probably about six months old.

Some of these teeth maybe 10 years showing yellow and dirt stains. So Red holds the youngest tooth, as in the newest tooth. And he says, I don't know. I mean, I'm with you, Maori. This obviously looks like it's. dark shit but if it's used to control people the hell this one looks like it could have been pulled out six months ago

if there are small villages nearby that might be under someone's spell or control might be worth taking this and trying to look into who might be hurting them and red puts the tooth away and ties up the bag. If it's that new it's certainly newer than the stones that have been here for a while enough to grow moss and lichen and stuff on them that's

yeah means this might be a more frequent visiting place well look there's a few options that we could do here one would be to try to find out where these belong to or come to one would just be to hold on to them

and see if anything happens another would be to do something here you know a trap a trap yeah well you know like you put a bomb under the ground I think if we took them that might set off any alarms

if we do intend to investigate right however if we don't intend to investigate. I'd suggest that we take them so that whatever evil magic this is being used for, hopefully it stops. I mean, I'd suggest we do throw it in a fire next time we build one. I don't know. That could hurt or

help, maybe, but... Yeah. I mean, who knows? It could burn the person they were taken from. Oh, I didn't think that was a thing. Okay. Yeah, good point. I mean, we could build a deadfall here. Whoever comes here unsuspecting

will just fall onto poison spikes and die. Or just a really deep hole. No, no one into that? I feel like just randomly like making poison steak traps is kind of similar to just putting landmines in the forest.

I think it's like kind of a war crime. Anyway, regardless, Red takes them and puts them in the bag of holding. And you know what? He'll do primeval awareness. I can sense within five miles if there are any humanoids. Maybe I can get a small congregation of the nearby. I mean,

cultics. You detect one humanoid, and as you access these primeval instincts, you recognize that they are coming down the road towards you. Perfect. I haven't told you yet. Well, I don't know this, so you say it first. I reckon I... There's somebody, a humanoid, they seem to be coming down the road towards us. Perfect.

I mean, it could just be a passer-by, but maybe luck is with us today. Should we cover this back up and get into an ambush position? I'd recommend that you at least move that dirt back. Yeah, I mean, we're not going to be able to make it snow again, but Jack waves his hand and the five cubic feet of Earth carefully pick itself back up and go nestle around the roots of the tree. I can make it snow again. As I say, and then Doran comes back and he's like covered and he's just been rolling around

of the snow. He kind of shakes himself off over top of the dirt patch. Redcast's Winter's Howl. It casts a sleet storm effect On a five by five No, in like a 20 foot radius That's great They're all just getting pummeled

A wall storm Located entirely above the street How much damage does everyone take? I'm just teasing No, but I can also turn water to ice Which is what snow is Slow down, Slugger I did not come here for science

Nerds Did come here for rock facts Yeah, I came here Geology I think Doren just Brushes snow on top of the dirt. Sure, sure, sure. Here, here.

There, there, it looks natural. Quick. Let's go hide. I'm not good at hiding. I'll follow Doran. And Doran and Jack kind of look at each other. I was hoping there'd be like a, you know, one of them good hiding spells. We've got to cover our tracks, too.

It can't look like we just wandered in here. Shit. Oh, and the cairn. Shit. Mari uses Druidcraft to, like, make a little breeze that blows away the tracks. Leading in. Whoever wants to be in charge of covering your tracks

make a survival check to see how good you do. I'll do it. I'm going to suggest Jack and I run back to the road and see who the person is from the other side of the road and follow them in

while you guys stand by. The sneakiest ones. And that way I can pile the rocks back up on the cairn. There wasn't anyone following me for three days. Now there is. Cach chunk.

Cachunk. I'll roll survival. To cover up all of our tracks you two go get the can quickly Mary you and me climb this tree veranda you climb that tree I want Doran to make Jack into like a snowman to disguise a natural one

Oh no But that's still eight to cover up the tracks He's made snow angels to cover everything up I made so many more tracks Trying to cover those tracks Yeah Red you do a great job of covering up the party's tracks But you make like twice as many It's impossible to know what happened here

So on that sense You did cover it. It just obfuscates it. The positive thing is it looks like there's been like a pack of wolves that ran through here, as opposed to a group of people. There's been combat here. Maria, Mari grabs veranda and boosts her up into the tree because she's like three times her height. Yeah, yeah. Look, Jack has never been more certain that whoever's coming down that road is going to hurt us.

Everyone get ready. Dorn and Jack hurry back and pile back up the cairns. And then they stand across the road, maybe behind a couple trees. Let's just stay quiet. After just another minute, a small shape comes into view on the road, and you hear a whistling coming from the distance. It's a menacing tune. Do you hear that, Maori, whistling in the distance?

Fucking hags, man. The shape reveals itself to be a dwarven traveler. carrying behind him a two-wheeled cart that he's dragging with two poles. And he's whistling a jaunty tune as he drags this cart along behind him in the snow. He catches sight of Jack and Doran on the road and waves. And you can tell he picks up his feet a little bit more. Well, they got us. We're fucked.

Doran recognizes that it's a dwarf and just grabs Jack pulls them out and we both approach him Well hello Meanwhile Red and Mari are in a tree and like She's gonna be so bloody and so violent Murray boosts up Branda But then she's not very strong And she also just can't really like get the full strength together

She's just standing on the ground You're dead unless you get behind a tree You're fucking dead like somebody at like a like a school gym day red like reaches down and tries to help you but he's also not very strong that new armor it's weighing you down between the two of us we can do it yeah you're just trying to do pull-ups and she's just she's just remembering like school days where they make you go into the woods and try to pull yourself up a tree and she'd get teased yeah and as you pull red he falls out of the tree he's a big kerfuffle oh god there's so many tracks did you do these How did I get your hair in my mouth? I don't know. How'd I get your wet hair all over me?

No, is that the hair from the bag? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Paprika. Teeth are rattling. Doran, a familiar voice calls out to you. Oh, oh, if it isn't. Is that Doran Iron fist? Oh, my goodness.

By the power of Morridon. By Morridon's beard. Oh, my goodness. This is Joel Gass, Stone's. Lamb, a distant third cousin of yours, Doran. Jol gas! Doran! It's been an age and a half. It really has.

Look at you. How you doing, old friend? He drops the cart and sort of gives his shoulders a roll, you know, bringing the blood back into his muscles, and then he reaches out and grabs you around the shoulders and brings you in for a side hug. Mari, I hear them on the road. They must be engaged on the road in battle. Quickly! Quickly! We must run and help them!

I imagine like Red takes off and Murray's just sort of like trying to get Miranda down still because she's still in the tree and she's panicking. Just like, oh my God, I'm going to die. We're all going to die. We're all going to die. I'm going to fire blindly at it. Don't worry. I'll get them. Help me get the stick. Joel, Joel stands in front of me and Duren grabs his shoulders and massages them really roughly as well. and then brings him in for a big, embraceful hug, you know?

Oh, it's been a long time, and it is good to see you. Fancy meeting you out on the road! Of all the places! Of all places, indeed. Where are you? Well, going home, I suppose. Well... How many years has it been?

Hey! This is my call, my friend. My friend, Jack. Jack. Hey, Jack Page. Jolgus, Jolgus Stone's Lamb. like throws himself against your legs and kind of gives you a weird

hug. Nice to meet you, Jolgus. I'll give him a weird hug too because you know, you got to do it. And Dorn bursts in laughter, he nearly pushes Jack over. They don't call him Stone Slam for nothing. No, wow. Am I right?

What's going on? They must have cast laughing on somebody. I hear Dorn laughing madly. So how do you guys know each other? Well, this is my long-lost cousin. Well, not long-lost. I guess I'm the long-lost one. That's what they've been saying about you.

Where's Doren? How come he's never around? I bet they are. You're in for it, I tell you. And the three of us burst onto the road to see this weird sight. What the hell's going on? Is this a hag? More friends of yours?

Yes, yes, more friends of mine. Hey, this is my friend Red. Best friend, thank you very much. Oh, yes, yes, my best friend Red, and my best friend Jack and my other. their best friend, Mary. Marie. And, uh, veranda. Verando. Wait. Hi.

Yes, who we only just met, but... Holden the stick. Um, this is Joel gas stone slam. Has Doran never told you about me the infamous traveling Jolgas? Well, none of you? No, I haven't. But I haven't told them much about me at all. Ha, ha, ha.

I'm a relatively recent edition, so... What are he infamous for? Infamous for my wares, of course. well a merchant gestures to the cart behind him and says uh i mean i can't promise you any family pricing doren but if you're interested in taking a look you're still doing the stone all the stone and the iron bowls and the iron plates and the stone plates and stone bowls and stone forks and stone knives no stone no they all go well with bland stew oh so you've heard about the stew we have we've heard about the stew we're dying to try it

just last week. I mean, I feel like it would be an oxymoron to have any sort of hubbub about the bland stew. If anything, the bland stew should be forgotten because that's sort of the whole point, right? It is kind of like a weird idiosyncrasy. But you can't forget the bland stew.

To have any talk about the bland stew seems very anti-blanned stew. I can't wait to be underwhelmed. No, I really miss that stew. No, you can't miss it. If you miss it, then it's besides the point. But that doesn't mean that the Dwarven word, for bland translates to the common word

for bland one for one. There could be some... He's using the common word, glad. Joel, guys, what brings you to these parts? Are you headed back to Scarborough? Well, truth be told, Doran, there's trouble brewing in Scarborough.

What kind of trouble? There's been a lot of sightings of giants. People are saying that it's going to be really dangerous. Well, I'm not surprised. That's actually what brings us to the area. You see, I left a, well, as you know, I've left a long time ago. But in my travels, I came across these two.

And then her, and then her. And I'm pointing around at all our companions. Now, I don't think the halfling is going to stick with us unless you want to, veranda. Yeah, speaking of Mr. Weir's brother, stuff like that, what do you think about teeth? Me? Oh. Oh. Oh.

You like teeth. I love my teeth. It's definitely on him. What about front teeth? What about hair? You like hair? Yeah, I love my hair. Yeah, you better love you.

It's not him, Ray. It's not him. But we'll ask you about that after. Listen, while I have a captive audience here on the road, I'd love to show you the stuff that I have for sale. If I may, Doren. Sure. I mean, what the hell?

Dorn, is your cousin into like some multi-level marketing thing or something? It's all essential oils. You need rock root. If you start selling you, yourself, then I will just take a small kind of. And then if you host a Tupperware party, and then you get your friends to sell it.

Thank you. That's awesome. Oh, my God. Inspiration. Thank you. Yeah, this game is pretty good. Yep. The dwarves. Yeah, it's Lula, Lauren. It's really more of a calling.

And he unfolds this, this cart, and shaking around in the back are a number of different treasures that he puts out on a shelf to to show you all. If you're interested, I can tell you about what these items are. I mean, what are they? If he's got cool shit, I'm always good shit. Are you kidding? I'm a tabaxi. So he's got a wicker cage that has... Done, I will buy it.

It matters not the cost. Within the wicker cage, there is a rat that looks, for all intents and purposes, mundane, except for the fact that it is entirely bright orange. Sir, I will buy your rat? Ah, but this is no ordinary rat. You've made the sale. Give me the rat.

How much? 25 gold. Done. Red reaches into the bag and hands it. It takes the wicket king. Put the rat just in the bag holding. I want to try to go as long as possible without knowing what this rat does. All right.

Right. Good. There's also... I mean, that's funny, though, right? It's very good. This has got to do something cool that we're going to find it at some random point. The rat's got a gun!

I will name you, Stevie. Stevie, the orange rat. Very good. Also for sale, we have a jade locket. It's a lovely piece. It's inscribed with a dwarven ruin for one. There's also a rolled-up piece of parchment that is secured in a scroll tube.

I'll have that. Mine. And a key whose handle is shaped like the prongs of a fire poker and covered in ash residue. Oh, that's cold. Oh, you're interested in this scroll, my friend. Perhaps you would like to feast your eyes on this. And he pulls the stopper out of the scroll tube and unfurls a friend. of a map. Ooh.

He shows it to you just for a moment before rolling it back up, but you spy some desert little mountain action. And he says, it shows a location of a long buried cavern of treasure. I have a very keen mind. And I can reproduce anything in perfect detail that I have seen in the last month or so. Don't be that guy. And don't rip off a poor peddler of Doran's family. You could, technically.

Yeah. He showed you just for a moment. thinking you are a mere half-elph. Right. And not Jack Page of Water Deep. The House of Wands. Is it authentic? Like, I was looking at the map, and I can see, I can see here, you know, there's this

like I've got a little illusion of it up and I'm sort of going through the details. But on the back, you know, this sort of map has usually got a signature from the cartographer or something that would prove it's, you know, I, as a piece, I'll take it. What are you asking for? Ten gold. Ooh. You know what? throw in the key and I'll give you 15.

All right, done. What's the key for? Not you. I'm asking Joel gas. I don't know either. Oh, damn, I like that key too. Good purchase. That's why I'll give it to you as a deal.

Yeah, that key's cool. All right. Wait, what's the last thing you're offering again? It's a Jade Locket. Yeah, I'll buy it. It's called the, oh. Doesn't matter, I'll take it. All right, what is it to?

Oh, I don't, Mr. Taboxi seems to know all about the magic items in my cart. Are you getting racist on me? You're just saying racist? Don't judge me based on my race. Like the cat. I just like this rat. He sees a shiny object and has to have it.

You know what? No sale. I don't want it anymore. Take it back. No, not canonically. I'm just Joshin. I'm just Joel gassing. All right, all right, fine.

Tell me about the locket then. Once per day, looking into. to this locket will show you your truest, deepest desire. Oh, yeah, I'll take that. That's awesome. How much? 25 gold. Done. And I give them 25 gold. And then I take the locket and I turn to marry and I say, Mary, this is for you. Aw. I think it would look so nice on you and also are, you know, let me know what your deepest desires are. That sounds real nice. It's a lovely green color. I mean, that's a very intimate thing

to ask someone who you've... Well, it's in a nice red way, obviously. And as red is packaging up this locket from Mari or holding it up to her neck, whatever, helping her get into it, Joel Gass is packing up his caravan of goods. He turns to you, Doran, with a serious look on his face. And he says, Oh, and, uh, Doran, before I forget,

please give my regards to your mother. Oh. Didn't, didn't you know? She's dying, Doran. Thank you once again to our wonderful Patreon supporters. Alexander, Artistic Witch, Brian Blass, Brianna, Michael Weber, Michael Weber, Brain Marie, Christopher, Colin Burkart, Creature, Cytocene, Daniel, Elizabeth H, Glory, Doug, Kirsten Wolf, Haley, Heather Nichols, Kea, Lars, Lazzania, Leader J, Lorelei Feldman, Last Ruth on the left, Lost with Two Faces, Marimo, Melissa, Moss, Matilda Rushing, Matt Wordberry, Merlin, Michelle Kahn, Tama Connata, Reagan, Shadowhaven, Sky, Sky, I, Tara, Tony Pepperone, Trapper 939, and Tyler Fowler.

Thank you so much. Have you had much running with giants before these two? Well, yes, unfortunately. They're throughout the fucking mountains. Let me take that again. I hear you. Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.