Dice Shame - 2-29 | 'Chop Shop'

Episode Date: March 16, 2023

Imagine your best game of D&D. The shocks, the twists and turns, the moments that can’t be caught because you just had to be there. That’s Dice Shame.Join our DM Jo, her husband Harlan, their brother Alex & their best friends Rob and Alex as they experience those unmissable, gut-wrenching, heart-aching, joy-filled moments.This legendary AP releases a brand new episode every Thursday morning at 1:20 am!Content Warning: swearing, violence.Part of the Rusty Quill Network Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's exactly where my mind Leave nobody unturned Oh, the portable hole What are we looking at here? Never mind, use your coat, Bada with it. I think I found out what the goo is If I attack this thing with an axe,

is it going to do anything or... You shouldn't take things from the dead? The place deserves to be remembered. That's kind of what I was thinking. Hey, this is going to add a little bit of bleed damage every time you whack somebody with it. These are meta-comments, okay? Uh, whoa, crit, that's a natural 20.

Hey! Beautiful. Those are rare friends. you. It's true. It might be like the second in ever. Welcome back to Dyshame. This is Season 2, Episode 29, Chop Shop. MVP this week is Casanova 6,400, who's been hanging out with us on Discord.

Thank you so much for joining us, Casanova. Thanks, Casanova. Invictuscon, 20203, is right around the corner, and we're proud to announce the panels. On Saturday, March 25th at 11 a.m., 3 p.m. and 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, join us for fascinating, educational, and entertaining panels on TTRPG design, sound design, and horror writing, featuring industry guests from Tim Woods to Johnny Sims. We'll be streaming everything live from our YouTube page, and you can find all the details on

our Discord. You won't want to miss it. All right, should we get down to business? Yeah, let's do it. Oh! Chop, jump! Yeah! Yeah! Red, you push in the handles

on this silver coffin, and you hear a click with each, and then you push it open? Yes? You lift the lid of the metal coffin. Red, it's no easy feat for you. old noodle arms fuck you

don't make him do a strength check I'm taking the risk in here think it's super danger and you're just yelling in insults look at that weenie struggle I'm just thinking it's so loud if you're listening to my thoughts that's on you we've already established that Jack mutters out loud

these are meta comments okay God red's such a wuss once opened red you detect a multitude of magical items red's like oh it looks really dangerous stay out. Yeah, yeah. Scoop them all up.

You find three magical items and one mundane item. The first is a long band of cloth with dark thorns sewn into it. The second appears to be a golden pocket watch. The third is a metal whistle shaped like a dragon. Wow. What's the mundane? The mundane item is a bunch of old fun. This looks extremely dangerous. Some substance seems to have leaked out fusing everything together. Oh, it's fusing

everything together. The dynamite sticks are essentially one giant stick. The fuses on the dynamite still look good though. Additionally, you find that there are two vials of some kind of liquid that have been wired up to the inside of this coffin, to the handles. Are they easy enough to remove? It would be sleight of hand. Red looks towards the door, looks towards it, says, might as well make sure. And I will try to remove those because I don't want Jack reaching in for a magic item

and blowing it up. I'd feel guilty. So you're going to try to disarm this. Well, thanks for thinking to me, buddy. I'm worried that, yeah. I mean, who knows, right? Like, if this room gets filled with fire, it very well could trigger these vials to burst. And, I mean, I can't disarm dynamite.

All right. Roll sleight of hand. 23. Describe how you very carefully disarm this trap. I don't think Red does it with any pompous circumstance. I think he does it very deftly and professionally. I mean, Red's got woodworkers' paws, you know? He's a fletcher by trade. Red does have this artistic side and you see it.

done when he takes these out and he puts them on the floor he's got assassin's hands i can strangle a human i can strangle this bomb yeah and then i'll uh great job put them i mean where the fuck i mean they're just liquid so i'll probably break them once they're unconnected from like the wires that they're right just smashes them into an empty crate great and uh yeah he bucks over to the fire one close one's down he straddles it like a fucking Like he's going to... Woo-hoo! How he learned to love the fire coffin.

I mean, this, no one had any better ideas, correct? I don't think we had any other clues, no. So Red stands over the thing, and I think with the three buttons being on either side of the head, on either side of the chest, and on either side of the feet, red will press them at the same time,

but in descending order. So head, chest, feet. If I remember the old gnomish rhyme, head, shoulders, knees, toes. And so I think that's... Probably the right. But there's only three buttons on my mind went. I'm like, all we need is like another.

Their knees and their toes are really close to get. Yeah, head, shoulders, knees toes. Yeah, they're all built like Calvin from Calvin at Hobbs. That's right. All right. So Red straddles the thing and he presses the two buttons into the head and he's like closing one eye. He's like leaning away from it.

Yes. As you depress the two buttons beside the gnomes head, you hear click and they stay depressed. Okay. Oh. You poor buttons. We've got to cheer these guys up. Yeah. And I move down and I press the ones around the chest.

You hear a click and the buttons stay pressed in. And I go, and nothing's changed. Oh, apart from the fireball. No, but I mean like it starts burning. You died. Hasn't like flipped over a face plate. No, no, nothing's changed. You smell smoke.

You do start to hear a ticking clock. And red, he bends down by the feet of the coffin to get rid of any fire that blows at the top and he presses those. And those final buttons stay pressed in. Okay. And Red stands over top, and he lifts the coffin lid. Mm-hmm. Red, lifting the lid of the coffin reveals the long-deceased body of a gnome.

Flesh dried into a powdery-looking leather and stretched over aged bones. Lips peeled back from teeth studded with metal fillings. The gnome is dressed in elaborate vestments, which are stained with deep. His arms folded over his chest in repose, clutched in skeletal hands, the hilt of a jeweled short sword. There are carapaces of dead beetles and two glass flasks of some clear liquid. The flasks are wired to some mechanism on the inside of the coffin's handle. Red does the same thing and just removes the ability to set them off by any sort of interaction, just that they're not mundane. What do you call it?

Disarmed? Diffused, disarmed. Inert. Inert. Desert. Delicious. And Red turns to the skull coffin and just pushes the thing off. Oh, no.

No, isn't that what we're supposed to do? I thought you said the same thing as you, Joe. I thought he said he took the skeleton and pushed it. I'm like, no. Yes. I just took the skull and he went, fuck this. Fuck you now. Who's this fucking gnome?

What's underneath here? They've got a false bottom on this thing. We can leave nobody unturned. It's like, we did it. Time to desecrate some corpses. Like big damn heroes. Like Indiana Jones. The two explosions are disarmed.

If everyone wants to come in, we can do it. Or if you just want me to pull off these lids, it's up to you. Pull off the other two lids. That's what I'd suggest. I push the lid off the marble thing. The one with the skull? Yeah, I'm assuming the skull is a fix to the top. It is, yes.

Within this coffin, there is a blood-stained dagger, as well as a little crushed metal helmet. bits of hair are still stuck to the mangled helm. Gross. And I'll turn around and I'll do the most dangerous one in my mind. All the coins? The ones with all the coins. You push off the lid, scattering coins all over the floor. Inside, you reveal what looks like the wrapped body of a small creature.

The fabric enshrouding the creature is shiny and seems unmarred by centuries gone by. And more coins. I would put money on that shiny wrapping is something very valuable as well. I think it's a bad guy. All right, everyone can come in here. All right. All right.

Jack, purposeful strides toward the dead guy. Runs towards the Beatles. Let me at the Beatles. You said the Beatles were here? My favorite to make that joke. And I'm going to go back to the first coffin with the magic items because they looked cool. Yeah, if Mari looks at the coffin with the body

all right jack which coffin are you looking in i mean the dead guy the one that that feels the most archaeology to me i want to you know jack is is really interested in how i don't know who this is zos and baffle folks you know put the respect to the people they cared about and so i mean he's just as much looking at every detail for his own curiosity as he's trying to find anything productive over here just if there's any if there's anything on this this guy that gives that gives him a sense of a name or anything like that. He's very interested. But otherwise, he's just kind of soaking in the Zozum baffle culture. Yeah, he's wearing a fucking name tag that says, hi, my name is Fred.

No, you, you don't get a sense of this gnome's title necessarily, but he surely must have been important to have been garbed so carefully. So he's got, yeah, the hilt of a jeweled short sword in his hands. Give it to Mari. She needs something. Yeah, I think Jack might carefully remove that just to admire the craftsmanship. It looks very fancy. Yeah, you would estimate it's probably worth 100 gold to the right person? I'll keep it for the private collection for 100 gold.

This is a pristine... Look, it's been bejeweled. Yeah, no, yeah, Jack's all about carefully setting it, setting it down. Yeah, it's been bejewed. He does, he does take a minute to examine those beetles to figure out if they were there on purpose or something that crept in after the fact and then... Probably something that crapp. in based on the fact that this is a wooden coffin, a strange choice for the gnomes down here.

You haven't seen that many other wooden constructions. Mm-hmm. Man of Nature. Maybe he was a druid. Who else has got their eye on some prize here? Doran's looking at the, he's going to investigate this marble coffin. Which one? There's two.

Sorry, the marble one that had the skull on. And then when it was opened up and only had a helmet with some hair in it. Mm-hmm. I figure I'll leave the more exciting ones to you three. It's very generous of you Yeah So you know looking You know Doreen kind of jumps up

And leans in on his belly And he grabs the helmet Gets back out of the coffin What are we looking at here And he kind of looks inside of it And kind of gives it a smell And gives it an eyeball Probably a helmet that a gnome would have worn

No way And based on its condition Definitely did not do its job super great Looks like whoever was wearing it probably got smacked really good in the head and almost certainly died from that. If I pick up the skull, it was an ornamental skull. It was made of wood, you said, right? Made of marble, yeah. Marble, picking that up off the floor, you know, with the helmet in one hand and I pick up the skull in my other hand, does the helmet fit on the ornamental skull?

No, because the helmet's pretty crushed up. Okay. But it looks like about the right size. Like it would. Doran, it's your time, bend the helmet so it can fit on him. And maybe just rolling perception-wise, is there any markings, anything that would give any indication, maybe not to me, but someone that might be more knowledgeable on. Can I roll for someone else to notice something?

No, let me rephrase. I'm not even going to roll. Is there anything, any markings whatsoever on the helmet other than damage? Yeah, I mean, there are some ornamental markings. There's like geometrical patterns, triangles, rombuses, other things, but nothing that's like... No clan identifiers or anything like that. No. Well, this is interesting.

And he sort of just holds on to it. And maybe I'll just take another look inside the sarcophagus. Again, actually, I'm going to get in it and I'm going to feel around for a false bottom. You fucking weirdo. Yeah. Doran, get out of there. There's nobody else in there, right? That's smart, though.

Yeah, there doesn't seem to be anything else in there, but Doran, you're in this coffin, and it makes you feel like maybe one day you'll have a coffin of your own. Yeah, put in the grave. It would be a great hot tub. This is very comfy. He's like, hey, red.

And he pops up. You scared me again, you check. Imagine I was dead. Mari, what are you checking out? She sees Jack take the sword off of the body and the other one, and she just sort of goes, just be careful with taking things off of the dead. You know, that was...

She feels uncomfortable with the idea of taking things from the dead. Clearly, that was left with this thing when it died, this gnome when it died. You'll get over it. Oh, I get it. Grave Rob. Yeah. It's right there in the name. Yeah.

It's very meta. And she goes over to the... She sees Doran poking his head out and jumping in the other sarcophagus. She goes over to the one that has the silvery thing in and sort of just looks in. at this, is it humanoid? It's hard to tell because it's entirely encased in this shiny silver material. It's about the size of a small humanoid, yes. I'm trying to do like a nature check or perception check to see if I could sort of maybe see.

Is it like fabric? Is it like fabric? Is it just, does it seem metallic? Yeah, it looks like fabric. I poke it with a stick. Yeah, you poke it with your staff. How hard do you poke it? Just a little nut, just to jar it a bit. Yeah, you hear kind of a crumbly crunch come from inside. I think it's just a dead thing. Delicious.

She reaches in and she touches the fabric. Ooh, you feel a familiar thrill of a magic item. So Mario can feel, when she touches it, she can feel the delicate magic with it that it's in the fabric. But I guess also just the crunchy, grisly body inside. Mm-hmm. the inner crunchy filling. Yes, yeah. It's like a really awful candy.

Just desiccated. Like a chocolate wrapped around beef jerky. I want you to grab one side of the fabric and just roll the body out. That's kind of what I was thinking. You should fucking do it seconds after chastising Jack. You shouldn't take things from the dead. Meta is that I want to do that. And then I also realize that I've written myself into a corner bite.

So, no, I love it. Write yourself into a corner. The idea that she's touched it and left a handprint because whatever was in there crumbled and didn't spring back is very funny to me. Yeah, it crumbles and she looks around and hopes that no one notice that whatever she's touched it. Red's staring directly at her,

What's you doing, Mary? Did you tell Jack he shouldn't touch dead things, Marry? You're right beside me and you just told me off. I'm certainly watching. We're all watching like fucking staring you down. See, Mari, the thing is, we're all adventurous. If we don't take what's in here, the people who try to get in before us, they would, and they'd be selling it. From the perspective of an archaeologist, you know, we're certainly in that quagmire between respecting the dead.

And in a way, these people, we don't know who the heirs to Zozenboffel are, who the appropriate people to pay honor to these graves are, who should be here maintaining and protecting this place. See, I disagree with all that. That's cognitive dissonance again. All I'm saying is we are bad, but we're using it to our advantage. You let me build up the thought and then not say because and finish the rest of it. But while they're doing that, Marie carefully, she takes the flower dagger out and she stabs it into like her staff. And as it's growing flowers, she carefully unravels the fabric from around this thing and then puts the flowers into the coffin. Oh, Marry, you shouldn't do that.

The dead really don't like when you add other things into their coffins with them. You know, when Red, shut up. Mari, as you carefully, carefully bespoil the remains of this, no.

There's like no elegant way to unravel that, too. You add fucking flowers for no reason while absolutely ruining this burial. You reveal a shine.

tiny silver cloak hooded and cut short for small creatures and you also reveal like a half-mummy guy. Yeah like a corpse. Like a little gnome body. Destroyed now. Yeah. His skull is caved in on one side where you poked him real hard with your

staff. Now you're getting it, Maui. Next cloak. Yeah. Thanks. It's a crop top. If a medium creature were to wear the cloak, it hits about waist length just so everyone knows what we're looking at here. Medium creature.

So you're going to be wearing a crop. It's like a fashionable cape. I think it was in Season and Waterdeep a couple of years ago. Drape it over, drape it over Doran. Hmm. I don't know. I'll try it.

Takes it off and stuffs in his jacket. Of red? What are... Yeah. Red opens the coffin again that he first opened. And inside you said there was a pocket watch. Yeah, there's a golden pocket watch. There's a length of carefully folded fabric in which dark

spines have been sewn and a metal whistle that's in the shape of a dragon. Oh, I love all of these so much. I'll start with the fabric because it looks really fascinating. I'll pick it up very carefully. All of these are magic items, you said. They are all magic items. Oh, and a bunch of old fucking dynamite. Right. And I'm pet, Stevie on my shoulder and I say, look, you found that. Good job, buddy. Stevie excitedly wiggles his nose at you. Do you want to get close to it? No, no. He's afraid of it. I just wanted to make sure. And I comfort him because he's so scared. Yeah.

Yeah. So Red standing in front of the coffin where he picked up the thing and he's just going to look down at the cloak and wrap it around his neck. The fabric, to be clear, is like a long strip of fabric with thorns sewn into it. Like physical or visual? Physical. Oh. Oh, this looks damaging. Red wraps it around his arm so that the thorns are out.

Yee. Yeah. And kind of wears it for a second to feel. its power. Red, you discover that although it's wrapped around your arm right now, that it would probably be something that you would wrap around a weapon of some kind to add bleed damage to a melee attack. Red walks over to Mari and wraps it around her stick. Hey, this is going to add a little bit of bleed damage every time you whack somebody with it. And then he heads back to the coffin.

Yeah. Then she whacked him in the head. Oh, no. Whoa. Yes. So I've called this the thorn wrap. Creatures hit by your melee weapon Take 1D6 bleed damage every turn Ineffective against monsters that don't have blood At the DM's discretion I want to check out that cloak That I pulled out

And Mari goes over to the cloak And she picks it up and inspects it And checks the seams to make sure That it still would stay together If she actually like put it on And she and she pulls it over her shoulders It's remarkable how well this fabric has kept over the years.

I mean, it speaks to the fact that it is magical. And as you wear it around and sort of get used to the fact that it doesn't quite fit you, but it... It does not. I mean, it kind of makes you look fly. It looks ridiculous. No one tell her. She looks weird.

You have discovered a cloak of bartering that you figure if you were to wear this cloak on a day-to-day basis that you might have an easier time buying and selling goods and find your financial fortunes much better. Too bad. It's like you're trying to pass off a handkerchief for a cloak. No, it's like one of those one shoulder cloaks. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You can wear it however the fuck you want. Mechanically, prices for goods that you purchase are going to be five to 50% less expensive depending on what the item is. Wow. Then you would normally expect. And you can almost always find someone who's interested in buying what you are selling. You said it was shiny? Yeah, it's shiny and silver.

Jack, Doran, what else are you guys interested in? Jack is, turns away from everybody else and takes a swing or two with this no-mish sword, which he realizes is remarkably the size of the dagger he's been practicing with the last day or two. Yeah. And just, you know, gets a feel for it to see how it compares. This short sword is a simple plus one short sword, although its handle is decorated with some lovely rubies.

Wonderful. Rubie, ruby, ruby. A little bit less exciting than the others, admittedly. But it's magic, isn't it? Well, yeah, it's a plus one. Yeah, I think Jack, you know, brings it over and says, this is an incredibly

crafted short sword. Just look at the detail in this ruby handle. It's something else. Handles like magic and sort of leaves it open for anyone who might want it. And then dumps it to the bag of holding to rattle around. with the other things he's collected.

Throw it in the bag. Mari tries something. She keeps the cloak on and she picks up the short sword and she goes back to Jack because he knew what it was and she goes, how much would you pay for this? I mean, at least double what I just said.

So Doran, like a child, has this helmet, this crush helmet and this ornamental skull and he like puts this helmet on his hand. He's kind of like, you know, oh, this might be like a little. And he wanders over to wear a red and he's like, oh, and he sets the skull down on the helmet.

And he looks, sat down at, he's like a watch and a whistle. And he's like, oh, he picks up the whistle. He just blows it. Nice and loud. And it doesn't even take a second. No one hears a thing. Ever again. You're all fucking.

Your death is forever. Oh, I guess it's broken. What the hell? And he shakes it. I guess it doesn't work. Throw it in the bag. You know what? I've heard of particular, you know.

Wait, silly question. Like dogs exist in this world, right? Like normal dog. Oh, yeah, that's right. We got Kieran. That's right. Yes. Oh, my God.

That was a silly. Oh, my God. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, my God. Let's not dwell on it. Guys, it's just... I mean, it's a magical familiar.

I get it. It's pretty out there. It did. Just because it didn't. Just because it didn't make any noise that we heard. I mean, you've... There's been so many dogs. You've heard of, uh...

Okay. Hey, listen, we've all heard of dog whistles. Maybe it's not broken. Maybe it's... Maybe it's summons some sort of animal. Something can hear it that we can't. I don't know. Well, there's a dragon on it, Doran.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh. Doren Pock, it's it. He's like, okay. Maybe it'll hurt their ears. Red picks up the watch and stares at it intently. What time is it?

What is this? You haven't opened it yet. Did you open it? No, and I opened the pocket watch. It's time stops. Inside, a bunch of different faces spring out, and they're all different colors. Some of them have numbers that you recognize. Some of them are showing, like, weather.

This pocket watch with a multitude of faces and dials tracks the time and spatial orientation of different planes of. existence. I love it. It can assist people who are trying to travel between the planes. Oh, how cool is that? And it looks so good on me. And Red tucks it into his vest and, like, puts it in his little things. There's a little chain hanging here.

And he's like, doesn't it match my cloak so well? It really completes your ensemble. Looks very cool. I can see Rob just silently refueling over there. Jack seething. Jack seething. Both. Why not?

No. it's it's a very red for that to happen isn't it what what do you mean it's very red for that to happen I like this can I like things yeah absolutely can it's super cool I you know I love that we have a shared fascination with it you know maybe like that puzzle box where we really kind of got to yeah oh the portable hole and red walks to the room staring at him oh no like dead like the janitor and scrubs when red storms out jack thinks well find and pulls out his portable hole and starts scooping the treasure into it like all the coins and stuff on the floor just to yeah all the coins yes oh yeah um you you get exactly

three thousand one hundred and forty one uh gold pieces worth of coins wow wow way to go guys way to go good job we really good job everyone really and seeing nobody else pick up the shorts or jack tucks it on his you know on his belly And thanks, all right, then. Cool. You guys solved my treasure room. Good job. Good treasure room.

Good treasure room. Doran sort of turns to Jack. He's like, oh, we'll get some more praax in with that. Trust me. Yeah. I'm excited. What was the word you just said? Trust me.

Praxis. What's praxis? Combat. Practice. Oh, my God. I'm so confused. I thought you're talking about, isn't there a dragon named Paraxis? Oh, that's hilarious.

No. I don't think so Praxis is a word Shit, you're hearing Dragons now red Just because I whistled that thing Praxis the Scarlet Dragon What did that goblin note say

Gink says to go somewhere And that's how we're going to escape But watch out for the blob The other direction we haven't traveled Is I guess I'm guessing towards the farm Let me find the note And Jack digs around in his pouch

To say Gink tells that the whole stupid Gnish place is old Is broken Follow Gink to farm then down, goo ate strack. Right, there's some kind of goo

or ooze or something. We've certainly heard of those being... Didn't those other people say they had ooze problems as well? Yeah, I remember the Xentarum. Jack Spits a little. I don't know about you all,

but I'm kind of wanting to move along here, you know. Let's do it. There's two spots you guys haven't been to yet. There's the southern area from this corridor and then there's also another gear room that you haven't been able

to gain access to yet. Do you take the dynamite? That's the other question. You know what you could use dynamite for? Explosions. I will tell you, dropping the dynamite or falling from a height

while holding it is going to make it explode. Yeah. This might be something for the portable hole. Or the bag of holding rather. I think it's more fun if it would explode the bag

personally. Yeah, so let's put it in the hole. All right. Cool stuff. the thing that she wants to happen let's do the opposite of you put it in the hole and it explodes the hole I guess the only other thing I was thinking

Doran I wonder if Mari could fix that that helmet you found well hey yeah I mean I was going to work on it when we get to some sort of I didn't mean to take a project away from you no no I mean hey like it's probably not worth anything

and it's probably not worth my time to to mend it so it might be I don't even care anymore he just drops it Well, I mean, there's the difference. And I guess that's, I'd love to see what it looked like made by the gnomes rather than just to see what that's like. And if you decide, we decide we want to, you know, see what it looks like the Doran version of it. There's definitely that.

Sure. Mari, would you mind fixing this and let me let's take a look at what looks weird. She runs her hand over it and the dense and everything sort of push outwards back to the original shape. Cool. you fixed the helmet and she hands it back to Dorwin cool yeah sort of like a piece of my gauntlet Doran's gonna have like a really weird puppet show later on I'll figure it out for you guys he pockets I'm the little goblin I'm the little girl cool all right where do you guys go next let's head to the south yeah yeah as we're maybe walking by the stairs I might just pop down them to

tell veranda we're alive we're okay we're still haven't made the place entirely safe yet so maybe better if you stay here but uh we're we're all good oh there you are yeah i've been playing dragon chess with kieran he's awfully good at his knee they're actually they cheat yeah they're they do not cheat they cheat there was like an explosion earlier yep anyway there was fine it was you guys have fun kieran's like this is the best cheetah are you picking a fight with a dog The dog does cheat. The non-canonical dog. Reg's just looking at this new pocket watch as he's like walking down and he's like misjudging the time.

He's like, well, he's been here for 20 minutes. And he tucks it back into his waistcoat pocket. Because you're like reading the time in like the abyssal. Yeah, like I don't know the difference. Or whatever. Yeah. You find yourselves in the entrance to a large open room cluttered with debris, maybe 70 feet across. The floor is different here.

to the worked stone in the corridor and elsewhere. It's stained a duller, muddier gray, and you feel the grit of dirt underfoot. Several broken pallets are tossed in a corner and shelves and crates line the walls. Tilled earth in plots of land are laid out in front of you in a grid pattern. The crops grown here are long dead,

desiccated leaves and stalks curled into curious shapes and gourds smashed to pieces, unfamiliar seeds in a slick of dried and dred, trails. Near to the center of the room on the ground lies something fresher, not covered in dust, and it looks bloody. Red's looking up and around in the darkened corners. As Mari enters the room, Mari suddenly, you are knocked to the ground and almost

crashed by the weight of something huge falling on top of you. Oh no. It's disgustingly wet and smells like rot and some strong chemical and it's geloids. the body takes just a second to recover from the impact of falling from the ceiling onto you before it reshapes itself and begin slinging out pseudapod arms in all directions trying to devour someone. What the heck? There's a body of a partially digested humanoid wobbling around inside the creature and some

various other debris. I think I found out what the goo is. I mean, we all knew that was coming, Mari. Damn. Everybody roll for initiative. In your defense, we didn't warn you. You did not. But always look up.

You did not. I wasn't thinking either. All right. Mari, would you get? 15. Red? 9. Jack?

16. Thorin. 12. Mari, you take 10 acid damage and 6 bludgeoning damage. Sweet. Get ready for a trip. From the ceiling on you. Use your coat.

Bata with it. Don't kill me for 50%. Please, no killy. Thank you. If you receive... I receive... Okay, great. So this creature just fell on top of you,

and it's really big and gross, and it gave you some bludgeon's and some acids, and now it's Jack's turn. Wait, I have acid defense. What? I have defense against acid. That's just part of being a water genesis. Thank goodness you remembered that.

Whoa, really? Defense in what way? What is that? Resistance, yeah. She's got a lawyer. You can't do that. Excuse me, sir. You can't actually attack here.

This is not allowed. It serves. This is completely unconstitutional. You need to get out of here right now. Yeah, it runs in and serves the giant blob. You're now in court. You have resistance to acid damage. Wow, cool.

You're being served. And you can breathe underwater. Yeah. You take half. Jack. Jack pulls out Desan's wand instinctively, points it at this ooze and starts blast and fire bolts that direction. Uh, well, crit, that's a natural 20.

Hey! Those are rare from you. It's true. It might be like the second in ever, but, uh, 14 fire damage as I light up this blob of acid and move deftly further away from it along the wall of this, uh, farm room. Jack starts running through the corn. Yeah. I'm just kidding. It's all dead.

Mari, it's your turn. You are occupying the same space. the creature, so it's like trying to engulf you right now. What do you do? She's holding the moon sickle, but she's not going to use that because she's going to use guiding bolt. Cool. So make a range spell attack.

I rolled a dirty 20 on that. That hits. How much damage? 13 radiant damage. Excellent. A bright beam of light comes down and slam into this horrible gelatinous thing. Nice. And lights it up, like a TikTok teen's bedroom full of fairy lights.

Jesus. Nice. That's amazing. To be fully correct, I think you're thinking Twitch streamer. I have no idea. I'm totally kidding. Doran, it's your turn. Doran kind of stands there a little bit in shock.

He looks over at Jack and red. He says, if I attack this thing with an axe, is it going to do anything? Be real careful not to hit Mari. No. But I also don't know if traditional weapons work on it. I guess there's only one way to find out. Oh, but I get to roll advantage? Yes, with advantage.

24 to hit. Excellent, you do. All you're doing 19 points of damage. Doran, as you attack this slime and Ork Splitter cleaves straight through its geloid, a substance, a bunch of, like, acid goo sprays up at you. And you take seven acid damage. Additionally, you chop it in half. Oh. Oh.

So these two oozes are pretty excited about murderous pseudapodding. Don't love that. And Doran, you, I believe, still have one attack if you like. All right, Doran's going to forego one of his attacks and use his combat superiority. And part of that will be my commander's strike. So he turns to red. Nice. Red.

Chopping in and a half just makes it worse. Now we've got two problems. Fire some arrows into the blob, will you? On it, buddy! But you're going to add a D8 to whatever you, if you hit. Yeah. What am I adding to this? One.

Nice. Nice. And red fires. 23 to hit. Yeah. Perfect. Red sees that Doran and Maori are in range of the bursting arrow, but he knows if these things expand, things are going to get dangerous.

So he fires at the one to the south, and it explodes on impact. Which is going to be... Now, here's an interesting question. Because the ooze got halved, Is it damaged? Yes. Okay. Because I get to roll additional dye if it's damaged.

Yeah. Perfect. It's a good question. If you have a jar full of jelly and you take a couple of spoons out of it. Wait, wait. Where do the spoons come from? And then you upend the jar and you cut the jar in half. I thought you just had a jar full of jelly.

Well, you just spoon it. Oh. And then you upend the jar and you cut the jelly in half. Is it, is the jelly fine? No. It's two jellies. So if you have this ship and you take, all the different parts

and you replace them with a new part. Is it the same ship or a different ship? Is it the jelly of my grandfather? Call the ship Theseus. Theseus is jelly. This is going to turn into

a deep philosophical discussion. Ouse of Theseus. All right. Anyway, the one in the middle is going to take 22 damage, force damage as it explodes. And the one to just the north of it

as well as Doren and Mari both of you take three damage as well. Jelly shrapnel pelts everyone within a 10-foot radius. Okay, we got slime turns. The slime that's between Doran and Mari

takes a big deep slime breath and exhales an acid spray at Doran and Red. I need you guys to make dexterity saving throw for me, please. No problem. I mean, yeah, no problem. This can be a dirty 20 for me.

It's going to be 18 for me. Okay. You each take 20 acid damage, so half of that on your successful save is 10 acid damage. The other slime slimes on over to... How many times you can say slime in their action series? The slime slimes over to Jack. Slimily. Slimingly.

Shut up. Slorps around. The slime. Slimely slimes. Slime is. over to Jack. And does the cha-cha-slimb. It extends a sloopy arm towards you and tries to slap you with it.

Yeah, I mean. It was slap. You can't. Slimy slap. You mean she extends a slimy slime and slimes them? Yeah, I only rolled an 11. An 11. Jack's got...

Did you add slime? I didn't add my slime modifier. Jack's got this... Well, for slime. This Zozumboffel chief sword, and he slacks. the pseudopod from the slimy critter away, you know. Do you do slashing damage with a sword? Splitting it?

Presumably, I just, it contributes to my AC and I am not hit. Excellent. Well done. But a short shirt does piercing damage, not slashing damage in any case. Oh, fuck me then I guess. Depends on how you use it, I suppose. Red, it's your turn. Poking time.

That's the fifth time you said Zoften baffle. Jack? The place deserves to be remembered. Do I get paid every time? Is it a difference between remembering and overplaying it? I thought it was Stroop Waffle. Toaster, strudel. Red pulls out his bow and he fires the thing in front of Maori. Mm-hmm.

This will be a regular arrow, and I will hit with a deadly 20. You do? How much damage? We're going to find out 23 damage. Wow. You rolled double deuses, and it's 23? Yeah, because my dexterity is four. My bow adds one. My sharpshooter adds 10. I don't need the math. I'm just impressed. at your build.

Well built. Thank you. I really just want to see what the arrow does, though. Yeah, the arrow like slurps right into the creature, and it shudders in agony. Oh, perfect. Then I'll fire again. Like, that's a good read. It definitely heard it.

Yeah. That's another, that's 21 to hit. Nice. 22 damage. Yeah. Red, your arrow sinks deep into the geloid center of this slime, and it explodes in its death throws, showering Doren and Mari with acid once more. Sorry.

Stop that. Next time I'll let it live and eat you. Each of you take seven points of acid damage. Jack, it's your turn. You're being menaced by a slime. I don't love it. I swing again with my fancy new Ruby short sword. Just picturing the force of my blade, telekinetically tossing this thing away from me.

Can it make me a strength saving throw, please, as I try to shove it back? I'll try my best. Oh, so you just swinging it like a Soros. I'm just swinging it like an idiot, but... Oh, 15? It flies back five feet from the force of my slash. Nice. It does.

And then holstering Desan's wand, I pull out the spellguard sphere, and a booming sound rings out from it, and I toll the dead. Can it make me a wisdom save? Did you say holstering the wand? I did. So you were holding your short sword and your wand? Yeah. Yes.

Dual wielding. The fact that he holstered the wand, it's like, Nine. It keeps the sword out, but he holsters the wand. Well, I needed the sphere because it's just, it feels more appropriate. He can holster the sword. This is like it's funny to holster. He doesn't have a sword holster.

He has a wand holster. 19 necrotic damage as I start to tear this thing apart from the inside, sucking. It's like a pocket protection. It doesn't have much of a soul, I imagine, but it does have whatever life force is holding this goo together starts to evaporate. Slime force. It's got a slime soul. Yeah. It's not, it's not like anything.

It's like a slime. guys. The slime slimes slimingly and it dies. Slimbingly. It slimes. It somehow splashes Doran with more acid. No, I'm just kidding. Oh, damn it. Slime is a real slime ball. Yeah. Jack, your necrotic energy just shreds this creature and it turns into a puddle of goo on the floor.

Gross. And that's why you look up, Mari. Thank you once again to our wonderful Patreon supporters Alexander, Amanda Kitchener, Anne, Artistic Witch, Braden, Brian Blass, Brianna Weber, Michael Weber, Bryn Marie, Cecil Lee Wilson, Colin Burkhart, Cherry Rose, creature, cytosine, Daniel, Haley, Harpo the Marks, J. J.D. Joy. K.R. K.M. Cade. Lazzania. Last Ruth on the left. Lead. Mari Kanishi. Matilda Rushing. Melissa. Mellon. Michelle Kahn. Moss. Nimbledingo. Reagan. Ren. Roberta. Sray 96. Tama. Tara. Trapper 939. Zander and Zach.

Oh. Thank you so much. I guess my Google doesn't come into play here. What are you Googling? Would peeing into some kind of acid neutralize it? No, that's not how it works. Hold on, your play was as Doran to piss on the acid? Well, since it's 90% pee, it says it's... Hey, Doran, it's dead. You can still try.

I mean, the pH of urine should be around 6 to 7 and a half, which is very slightly acidic. Slightly, yeah, doesn't really... Hey, Dorn, it's dead. You can still try. Red points at the day. No, Doran doesn't say that. This is Alex. It's a lot more like a base. On zips and urinates on the dead creature.

So they're both dead? Dun, dun. Yeah, well, both halves of the same creature are dead. I mean, you could do that. If you go, if I pee on it, we'll, like, neutralize the acid. And then everyone can go, what the hell? And then at the end, you can pee on its corpse. Either that or Doran's in the corner peeing on himself.

No, I hate all of the pee endings. Yeah, I don't want to do that. All right, let's stop recording and I'll figure it out in post. Well, either that or we could come up with a quick one-liner. Nah. Go for it. Everyone be as clever as you can. Three, two, one.

Well, this was a... And that's why you look up, Marie. A slimy situation. What a... No, mine was better. All right, let's stop. Beautiful. Done.