Dice Shame - 2-4 | 'Below the Surface'

Episode Date: September 22, 2022

Imagine your best game of D&D. The shocks, the twists and turns, the moments that can’t be caught because you just had to be there. That’s Dice Shame.Join our DM Jo, her husband Harlan, their brother Alex & their best friends Rob and Alex as they experience those unmissable, gut-wrenching, heart-aching, joy-filled moments.This legendary AP releases a brand new episode every Thursday morning at 1:20 am!Content Warning: swearing, violence, horror, mental illness, animal death and suicide.Part of the Rusty Quill Network Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Jack's been trying to hire a staff for a long time. I'm like Mark. Come here. Yeah, let me take a quick looky-loom. Well, hey. We're lucky there wasn't a lot of methane going on. Yeah, splush-splush, motherfuckers. You know, you're not selling me on it. I'm sorry, I'll try and be more inclusive.

All right, yours is better. Just stay close to me. Okay, the red on his face is just blood. All right, Dorn? Are you having a stroke? Oh, yeah. That's rancid. If she survives this, she's going to have to go throw up.

How do you not understand how this works, Rob? Well, does anybody really know Dora's character? It seems so simple on the exterior. doesn't he has brothers you know he has brothers he has brothers he had brothers i heard about that MVP this week is jay colney who wrote us a wonderful five-star review they caught up with the show and are now doing an entire realist of the series. I can't wait until you hear your name again. Thank you so much for the kind words. Thanks, Jay. If you're looking for a new spooky show, listen to Tiny Terror's,

a nostalgic found footage, fourth wall breaking horror anthology. Check it out, and just in time to get in the mood for Halloween. It's pretty spooky! All right, should we get down to business? Let's do it. Woo! Alex, you have pantsuits. that you wanted to share with us. Yeah, well, I've got like two. Not you, other Alex. Hey, that works.

We tested it. Yes, I have three suits that I own and I wear them to weddings when I asked her permission beforehand. You do? I do. Has anyone ever denied you? No, so far, no.

Are they all white? They're white and I wear this veil and I'm holding your bouquet. Yes, that's right. I just try to make it really about me. I kick my way down the aisle. All about accessorizing. So what are the ones you ask for?

one of them is hot pink screaming bright hot pink one of them is entirely covered in like a fern print like this elaborate fern print and then the last one is light blue crushed velvet those all look great and it's amazing

it sounds like a mix of like dumb and dumber and also Romy and Michelle's high school reunion yes yes except that also it's like really shiny it looks like I'm covered in which one all of them no the pink ones the least shiny, but it's also screaming hot pink. Do you ever mix and match? I haven't yet. I feel like it might be a little too aggressive. Now I feel like I need a

pants suit. Uh-huh. I highly recommend. I don't have a single pants suit to my name. Don't feel pure pressure. You're welcome. Be your own person. That's okay. That's what I do. But I want mine to be mohair. Ooh. Is a wedding your ideal occasion for a pantsuit or do you break it out for something else? I wore the I wore the crush of Elbit one to my work Christmas party. Oh, there you are. Hey. Picture. I could see it right now. It's like, this calls for a pantsuit. Hey, hey, yeah. I don't know.

Maybe there is. I think this calls for my pants suit. Leave it to Rob to be like, but what is the appropriate time? I just, I mean, there might be somebody like, hey, whenever I go on a job interview, I really want to stand out so pants suit. Like, I don't know. Totally. I'm also picturing it's mixed with catsuit slash jumpsuit. So it's a one piece for me like a romper.

You play too much Mario brothers. No, that's overalls. No, you know, when you pick up the leaf or whatever, you turn to a raccoon shit. And then you get a nice romper. Yeah, there's like one where you turn to a cat and a fireperson and stuff. A romper. It's the whole Mario's theme, you know? I don't know why, but whenever he ate a flower, he turned in, he could throw fireballs.

Magic. I wish more adults wore just outfits. Hold on. Is Mario magic? Is that the carryover? No. No, I think the things around him are magic. I never really questioned it.

I've never looked at Mario and been like, I think this man's a wizard. I'm always like, I think this man is temporary. magic powers. Yeah, but like, what's the logic then? Wait, are the pipes that he goes through magical? Admittedly, I'm using a bit of the movie to frame this.

But my understanding of Mario was that he was an average plumber who went down a large pipe and came out into the mushroom kingdom and then fantasy happened. Oh, yeah, just an average plumber. What's the logic between him eating a mushroom and then being able to cast fire? You obviously never ate mushrooms.

That the fire flower was magical. So it is magic. Thus, through magic, he could now. breathe fire because there was that's what i'm thinking yeah breathe fire so it's a magic game i think he threw fire yeah we threw it does he breathe in it i don't know well he did all of it do you think it's coming out of his mouth or his butt but he also like he could touch a falling leaf or a feather and he would have a magic cape that could make him fly so he's mad so it's magical powers so he's a wizard no i think he's being influenced by magical he's a sorcerer yeah no he's channeling the magic okay he's he's a cleric he's a normal guy

So is he a normal? I guess he is, right? What class is Mario? All he can do is jump. Plummer. So he's entirely magic. He's working class. I think it's very clear.

Mario is working class. That's a good job. A blue collar hero for all of us. To agree on that. That's real. A plumber. Okay, so then that's fair. So everything about Mario in terms of its magic exists in the world and none of it exists within him.

Otherwise, in other words, he's not special. Yeah, I think he's patently unspecial. Is that what the appeal was, that he was average? because, I mean, I can sympathize with that. Hey, this guy just working a job, nine to five, all of a sudden, bam, in a different world, he gets to eat special things and fly. I was going to say, does Mario eat anything like in the franchise apart from a mushroom? I always took it as when he picks up a power up he's eating.

He doesn't eat a feather. That's true. And Kirby does eat it. So he just touches it? Are these things so powerful that you just touch them in you? Yes. Also, the mushroom is just drugs Maybe he just holds it in an upraised

Is it all drugs? Is that what it is? Is this all an allegory for drugs? When I look at this animation from the original one, it sure looks like there's something As you Google. I'm just looking at the flame Mario shoot dot gif from the Mario wiki because of course I am.

I don't know, it looks like it's coming out of his mouth to me. Oh no, it's totally coming from his hand. Let's see this. Yeah, that's his hand. Okay, everybody who's listening, you have to Google. What are we Googling again? Mario throwing something in. Well, why does he put his hand up if he's spinning there?

I don't know. Regardless, Mario is a great game, and he also has sort of a pants suit, which is like a jumpsuit, which could be a pantsuit. He's got overalls. Because are all different items of clothing. What's the difference between a pantsuit and overalls other than a jacket? Alex just dropped something in anger. These are overall. No, she was retrieving a pair of overalls, which were at hand for some reason.

What's the difference between pantsuit and overalls then? Tell them, Alex. A pants suit would be two separate items of clothing. Usually like a jacket and a pair of pants that are matching separate. Whereas overalls are like one long item where it's like the pants and the top half are attached. Whereas usually with an overall it's like it's like straps hold it up. That's right. Because then it would be a moo-moo wouldn't it be?

What's the one that's like a whole one piece? Jump suit. A jumpsuit. A jumpsuit. Or coveralls. Okay. If you wore jeans and a jean jacket, would that be a pants suit? It's a Canadian tuxedo.

Ah, chis-shae. Wait, no, that would need a vest. Only if it's a three-piece. Or a cumberbund. You'd need a fucking gene cumberbunt to make it a tuxedo. Oh, fuck. I'm sure that exists. Honey, are you okay? You haven't put your jumberbund on yet. Jumberbund?

Oh, honey. I had to tighten up your jumberbunt. You haven't eaten much this month. Oh, no. Are you going to have any of the pig roast tonight? What is the purpose of a cumberbund? Is it just. To disguise a gut. Yeah. I mean, what's the purpose of any fashion?

It's just a thing that evolved from a thing. It's like a man girdle. Yeah. A myrtle. A myrtle jumper. Okay, if it evolved from a thing, what's the thing? Rob. Smart guy.

He's Googling it. A belt. A cumber bun was adopted by the British military officers in colonial India, where they saw it worn by sepoys, the Indian soldiers of the British Indian Army. Okay, now tell us without reading. No. I refuse. Take away your precious internet and you're just like us.

Smo's, say, hey, speak for yourself. With access to the internet to answer any question you possibly could want to answer. If I could add a superpower, it was always the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. A copy of that book, man, was that a thing I wanted as a kid? Hold on. If you had superpowers, what you would want is a copy of a hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy? Rob, that's a thing you can get. I can get it for you for your birthday if you send me some money.

Thanks. Easy, done. You know what? I appreciate that. I can get that for your birthday if you send me some money. Send me a little more. I'll get you a nice hard copy. Big Dorin or poor energy over here.

Yeah. Yeah. We have no money. I'll make you one out of wood. Speaking of BDE, Big Doran Energy, should you play some D&D? Let's do it. Let's do it. The warehouse is ominously dark and quiet.

You stand around the trap door leading down to who, knows what. Doran, Red, Mari, Jack, what do you do? Who's the most injured in the party? I lost five health. I lost six. I think Jack got pretty fucked up.

Yeah, you got an arrow. So me. Do me first. Red's like, I need your help. I have a bobo, Marie. A bobo. Jack caught a couple arrows that he, that got past his shield. Yeah, definitely. Jack.

And then the guy jumped out of him and slashed him up real good. I'd like to use my staff of healing on Jack. Oh, yes, please, too. First time on the show, welcome staff of healing. Ooh. Yes. You've got to bring a whole staff with you. Jack's been trying to hire a staff for a long time, and they just...

You never even paid us. I'm like Mark. Come here. That's awesome. This is my intern, Mark. Mari, what does your staff look like? What does it do? It's relatively short.

It looks almost like plain, and then as you get closer, you see that it's covered in all these super fine little carvings of constellations. So it's not just like a bunch of plus symbols? Stop of healing. Yeah, it's just got a thing. It's roughly carved into it like on a desk. It just says healing staff. There's like blue pen in it.

And then a whole bunch of pop punk lyrics. And that S though, right? Safety pins down the side somehow. Oh, my teen years. It just hit me in the face. So healing. How many charges for a cure? Nice.

A long rest or short rest? I think they regain at dawn? Yeah. I don't think it's a rest-based thing. Yeah, it regains at dawn and let's say use the whole thing and that it just blows up. Oh, shit. Yeah. So nine charges.

I have nine charges. I have nine left. Don't use it all. That's great. And when it explodes, it kills everyone. in a 60-foot radius, right? The staff of healing slash killing. Yeah.

All of the damage it's healed over its career is totaled up and at the end it just all gets let go. The staff of healing to a point. That's the show finale. Is I'm just gonna be like, I need that one more point, Marie. It's not worth it red. Do it.

We all go into blades of glory. Like supernova? Yeah. Awesome. Cool. So you expend a charge on Jack? Yeah. Jack's arrow wounds start to close up

And he starts to feel a little more stable on his feet again. He turns... Red, do we want to make sure there's nobody upstairs before we explore down that hole? Yeah, let me take a quick look-y-loo, and Red heads upstairs. Yeah. Red, upstairs, you see there's a balcony

that's open to the first floor, and it's stacked with crates. All right, I'm taking jacks orders like a... I'm looking around here. I don't see anybody. I'll do a perception. Mm-hmm. That would be a 16.

Clearly, this upstairs space does not get much use. You walk past the open door of an office covered in dust and cobwebs. There are some bare shelves in here and old furniture. A lot of dust and, oh, some shelves made out of bears. Incredible craftsmanship. Oh, never mind, they're just empty. Yeah, I don't see anything. One of the crates is open.

You see some moth-eaten bolts of cloth. I walk over and I take some cloth Moth cloth There's like little holes in it From the moths that ate it Oh And inside I see this awesome robe And I grab it

You find like an awesome Pantsuit Is it crushed velvet? It's a crushed velvet pantsuit Yes Got it She looks great Coming back down

I picture though you said pantsuit You know what All joking aside I pictured like a hooded kind of like really flowy pantsuit you know

like imagine like a bell bottom top bell bottom bottoms huh bell bottom top like the sleeves yeah like a bat wing yeah like all of it

yeah I think we're onto something here yeah Mari I found something for you and red throws you this crushed velvet robe that is bell bottomy and also flowy

bell bottom top and bottom I can look good on you she like runs over to like a hidden corner comes back out and is the grueviest person in this room of death. Wow. Wow, you look wet. Sorry, Jack. I didn't get you anything.

Are you guys interested in any more investigation around here? Yes, I have an investigation, but you guys might have already asked. We did not see the person we're looking for in the dead bodies, correct? No. Correct. Okay. It was just dusty upstairs. Didn't see anything.

Knowing that there's one secret door in this place makes me think. there might be other hideouts or escapeways or other things. Jack might look around and see if he can find any other hidden spaces around here that we might want to be aware of. Sure. Why don't you roll an investigation? I'd love to. Seeing Jack walk around

kind of knocking and tapping on walls and floors. Doran is like, you know, I really love the way you think about these things. 17. Thanks, Doran. Well, Fuck off. I'm busy. 17. 17 what? I'm sorry, I was just pacing out so I could make a map of the place in my mind.

It was 17 to here. That's great. And then... Like 60 feet across. That's great. Duran doesn't know they all been rolling dice this whole time. And he's just been, like, hacking everyone up. Oh, darn, how are you killing people?

I just do it. I don't... I don't ask. Man, that's the coolest box. This is a game to you? Jack, you do not detect any extra secrets. Maybe in the meantime, I'll go through the pockets of the people that we killed. pockets of the people that we killed.

Yeah, I mean, I can give you a total of gold if you're interested. Going through the pockets, the people that we killed. Hey, one of the crates upstairs was open. Any down here? And Red looks around at any of the crates and shipping supplies. Yeah, there's a ton of stuff down here, Red. Oh, yeah. Silly hats.

I mean, you joke, but there are a bunch of wood-framed paintings that are wrapped in leather. If you pry off one of the tops of these shipping crates, you see some silver trade bars black with corrosion from being stored in mildew and uncared for you see that there's a round table with some chairs around it likely where the men were sitting before they heard your approach and beside the table there are these two half full barrels of water that are open on top huh i'll look in the water barrels i also walk over to the water barrels Hey, Mari, it's like you. Yeah.

Wet. Hey, water. She goes over and looks into the water barrels. Yeah, it's clear water, fresh. There's something hidden here. No, it's not just water. All right, well, look, if our friend is really captured by these people, he might be in danger, so I suppose we should get a move on. Doran stands at the top of the stairway of this trap door peering at you all with his beating.

white eyes through bloody skin. All right, it's going to be dark down there. Can everyone see in the dark, by the way? Yep. No. Oh, all right, you can't. Oh, here. Red reaches into the bag of holding, and he pulls out the goggles of the night that Kralov had.

Yeah. He might as well use these. Hey, those are Krayla. Well, he's not using them. Yeah, no. No, it's just... And on the side, you see Krayloth scratched out. It says, Mari. The band on the back of them is adjusted for a giant head because Krayloff was like six, five or whatever now. Hey, you go use these.

These were your friends, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're just things, though. That arrow was mine, and I point to an arrow on a guy's head. It's all transitive. She's very careful with him. She doesn't jam in her pocket, trying to treat them well. And maybe if you're doing that, you're like looking to see who's watching.

Doren's definitely not watching. He doesn't not care. Neither is Red. Red's picking his nose. You could jam him in your pocket. Jack's paying attention, 100%. Yeah. Now a little antsy to, you know, go find Oslitt if he's still alive.

Oslid was a guy in the bar. Really? You're actually, yeah. Oh, so it's Remy. Oh, that's right. Oh, that's right. I thought I was wrong there. All right.

Let's be smarter this time. Admittedly, my own fault. Red snaps his fingers and he casts pass without trace. We all have a plus 10 to our stealth rules. Yeah. Excellent. Sneaky, sneaky. All right.

Doran, you go down fast. And I will open the hatch. Mm-hmm. A ladder drops. down into the darkness below and a gross smell wafts up from the pit. Oh, boy. Even just grosser than all the corpse smell. And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.

It did. Doran's like smelling it purposefully, like trying to catch what the different smells are. Oh, yeah, that's rancid. Oh, the way that dogs love bad smells. oh yeah okay hint of putrefaction a little bit of mold so dorin goes down actually uh how steep is the ladder how steep is it like a super steep could i go down walking forwards uh you want to go down head first no no no forward like walking down like stairs no it's a ladder have you walked down a ladder backwards if you try hard enough well sometimes it's like okay yeah doring climbs down the ladder like a normal ladder

but in his hand he holds ork splitter so you know he's kind of not really concerned about the ability to climb down the ladder but what I'm getting at is I'm prepped to fight I'm just saying I'm prepping for battle he took the ladder this time he didn't just hack through the floor it's it's like an improvement don't tease him too much or he won't do it next time like this is the right direction for Doran down he's learning down into the ground hack through the floor Doran the correct direction You descend down into this foul, dark sewer. A putrid stream flows along the tunnel,

which leads straight off in two directions. Oh. And he yells up. It looks like a sewer system. Shut up, Doreen. Of course. Right, right, right. All right, Jack, you want to go next?

Sure. Jack takes the ladder down into the basement slash sewer. So you climb down head first. Yeah, I mean, I try to do it with his, many tricks as possible. I think it almost, you know, if I could do like a, you know, a slide down one side, hand and foot one foot on it, the other hand and foot. Whatever is cooler than however Doran tried to do it. Whoa, whoa, whoa. When did Jack get so fucking awesome? Holy crap. You do a 180 at the bottom. Yeah, exactly. Just, you did a kickflip. And Red takes the robe back from Mari

and strings it back around him. And he's like, you're going to be okay if we run into some trouble down there? Yeah. Yeah. I should have a weapon with me, shouldn't I? Yeah, do you have one? And she reaches into the, uh, onto her belt and on her belt is sprig, the little dagger that she had before. And she just takes that. She's like, yeah, I got this.

Oh, that's terrible. Red grabs a scimitar from the floor and hands it to her. Use this instead. There's like a hand still holding it. Go stop, stop. He like kicks it off. She just looks and she stabs the arm that's attached to it. And it just.

explodes in flowers, and like a thing of gore and flowers. Oh, all right, well, maybe yours is better. And he drops it. And she just wipes it off. All right, and Redheads down next. But he dives head first, the way it should be done. You land directly in this disgusting sewer water. Oh, worth it.

Mari, you're alone now in this warehouse full of dead bodies looking down into a hole. and it's dark in there and it smells bad. Okay. I can do this. And she casts a druid craft around her head so it just smells nice. She can smell how much it stinks.

So she's got like a little like a little perfume bubble around her and puts on the goggles and climbs down the ladder. They look badass on you. Fuck yeah. It looks so cool. Except there's like this pink kind of aura around your head.

You can only smell it. You can't see it. You can smell. If you get close to it, you're like, oh, what is that? Vanilla? It's like, floating potpourri. It's like, you know, when, like, morticians, they rub that, like, smelly stuff. Yeah.

Vicks vapo rub on your upper lip. Yeah. You have, like, smelling salts around your head. Cool. So you guys are standing in this sewer. Jack poofs. You poop. Jack poofs curing into the pocket dimension and then lets him out in the sewer we're in to hopefully help us.

Oh. He imme. He immediately doesn't like being down here. The sludge that he's standing in just starts to seep through his golden fur. Yeah. He's like chest deep or deeper in this gross water. And back into the pocket for you. You're going to need a bath later,

but I'm hoping maybe some part of Remy's apartment will still smell like him. Maybe your nose will pick something up, buddy. Oh, I feel for, I. Yeah, no. All right, Doran? Having a stress. He's got a big mouthful of him. I feel bad for that dog.

I tell you, he can smell a lot better than I can and does not smell very good down here. How deep is it? I worry for Doran. Yeah, I mean, it's pretty deep in the very center. So the sewer is cylindrical. Right.

So in the center, it's quite deep. It's maybe three and a half feet. So it's pure cylinder, no ledge. There is a slight ledge. Pure cylinder, no ledge. There is a two and a half foot ledge on either side So you can travel on dry land or sludgy land But you would be squeezing

So Dorin's actually quite comfortable at his height And so as he came down the ladder The first thing he did was step onto that ledge And he sees everybody else Come down and they step into the sludge Into the sludge, yeah It's not a lot of option Boost Kieran up to the ledge

So he's at least walking on dry land I better get up too and Red scampers up to the high ground. Yeah, Mari just sort of is standing as she's, she's, when she got sort of partway on the ladder, she sort of saw like, oh, this is, this is not going to be good and she just like slips her boots off and rolls them into the bag.

And just is like, you know, you're not selling me on it. I mean, Red didn't tell you that'd be part with sewers? No, he never, no one's really mentioned the part that's mostly disgusting. I mean, others than the death and the blood, but the part of the filth water wasn't really brought up. I assumed we'd be outside more. I wasn't anticipating it either.

I'm not going to lie. No. Yeah, I don't think anybody else is, I don't think any of us were anticipating this filthy sewer system, but it would make sense. Our adventures take us many places, some magical, some poopy. Who's got the highest passive perception? Dirty 20 for my passive.

Ooh, that's a hot perception. Yeah, I'm hot. Eleven. Woo-hoo! Flip, flip. Red, as you hoist yourself up onto this narrow ledge on the side of the sewer

culvert, you see a tiny symbol scratched in chalk. Hey, there's a little symbol here. Red squints and looks close. It's a simple finger-sized illustration. Looks like

maybe a fish or a tadpole of some kind. It looks like a fishy, a little fish guy. Hey, take a look at this. Have I seen it before? Can I roll anything? No, you've never seen this before. I've never seen this before in my life. Can I do an Arcana check? Sure.

See if that helps. Roll Arcana. Oh, 11. My internet dice have to go to hell right now. Yeah. You need real. I do. I have the real physical dice here. Real rocks. That way we can shame it.

Mari, you don't recognize. is this sigil as a ruin or any kind of magic insignia that you would remember? It's just a fish. It's like a weird fish. Like a weird little tadpole thing. Jack could give it a once over. He's pretty historically knowledgeable. This is his hometown.

He might have heard something about it. Sure. Oh, 14 on the history there. No, you don't recognize this symbol at all. That's when Doran perks up and he sees you all inspecting this symbol. and he goes, well, it would make sense that if the bandits were, you know, going around the sewers, they would

know that this was a place to go up based on this symbol, right? Oh, wait, you're right. Isn't this fish street above us? Oh. Oh, shit, Doran. Well done, you old nincompoop. And I tussle your head.

Well, hey. He blushes on his bum. Oh, yeah, that's canon, by the way. Doren always blushes via the bum. All right. The bum blush. Oh, okay. Okay, the red on his face is just blood.

Yes, correct. That's why. The red on his face is just blood. Well done, Doris. Just always bloody. Hey, that makes sense. Let's keep pushing forward and be sneaky. Mm-hmm.

Which way should we go? To the left. To the left. Everything you want in the box. To the left. Well, which way's left? Because if we're standing on that side, then that's left. And if we're staying on that side.

Red goes one way. Are you traveling in the direction that the tadpole is traveling? Yes, and we travel in the direction of the tadpole. The ground under your feet is slimy and wet, caked with sewer ooze, and the water that flows underfoot smells strangely of some chemical down here.

Unseen to any of you, a smooth, pale hump protrudes from the sewer water behind you. On its crest, one greasy orb, an eye hooded with malice, blinks slowly. And then it sinks below the water and disappears. Does anyone else have the feeling of being watched? Hmm. No. Adorni keeps walking.

He's just shuffling ahead. Inspiration, Alex? No, I don't. I would love it. I'm giving you inspiration. No. I'm fine. For doing the opposite of improv.

Yes, instead of yes and it's no, bye. No. Leave it alone. No, Doren, say no. After several T-junctions and four-way intersections, following the tiny symbols you spot on the walls, you come to a three-way intersection where a ladder leads up into a stone shaft

capped by a circular metal cover. All right, well, uh, does anyone have silence? No. Shh. Shh. I've cast it. It's called, shh. Oh, sorry.

Pass it alone. Are you shushing me right now? How dare you shush me right now? Do you actually have silence? No. It's called all of you, shut the fuck up. We should be in marching order. I think.

Actually, that's a great point. Mari Chi order. Let's talk about Mari Chi order. For no reason. So Red can do combat, but he is most effective by far at a distance, which usually means Red should be at the back. And Dorn is the complete opposite, which usually means he should be at the front. I'm going to guess Mari's tougher than Jack.

What are your hit points? What's everyone's hit points? Probably. Little ditty. Bet Jack and Marie. Mine, I have 66. 84. Oh, yeah.

You're tough. 65. We're talking health points here. I'm on 93. Okay, so you actually have the next highest other than Doren. Yeah. All right. Doran, you take up the lead.

I got you back. And I think our marching order is going to be Doren, Mari, Jack Redd. Daron, Mori. Yeah, I guess, yeah. Jack, Rad. Dark and flat. We have to be a 30 feet of you to get past without trace? Yeah, I could call.

30 feet of you. Probably we're not bunched up right, right together, but. There's a little. There's a little space, but I think it would be staying pretty close together anyways. Yeah, there's like, stand so close to me. You're all holding on to like a rope, like you're in kindergarten and you're on a field trip. Yeah. I like to imagine that Mari sort of is like kind of hesitating and is sort of originally planning to go at

the back and then sees like red kind of like prepping arrows and stuff and Jack's looking a little, a little dinged up. It's okay, Mari. You got this. It's okay. Holding the dagger and just like tapping. the wall again. Just stay close to me.

I was going to say you guys have been walking for like half an hour and for some reason you guys are all like, all right. Suddenly, I'm like, just stay close to me. He like claps a hand, a big blood print. Ew. I love how Mari or Alex, I guess, knows Doran's character already so innately. Oh, yes. He's iconic.

Well, does anybody really know Doran's character? It seems so simple on the exterior, doesn't it? But he has brothers, you know. His brothers. He had brothers. I heard about that. Yeah, like there was like a thing written on a scroll, like on the side of a building. A bird flew by and went, car, Doran has brothers.

You know? I used talk to plants and the plant told me that Doran has brothers. You know? You're like, who the fuck is Doran? Why does everyone keep talking about it? Once it's in a vine, it's there forever, you know. I heard it from the grapevine? You know.

Oh. Then I got replaced by Tick-Tock. All right. So you guys move up slowly? Pss. I had brothers, you know. Shut up, T-Ran. You keep saying that.

As you move through this T-Junction, several strange creatures emerge from the sewer water, blocking your progress forward and backward. They seem to be large crustaceans, though their bodies are slender and their faces hang with a tangle of wet tentacles. Each holds two huge lobster-like claws out of the water, clacking with aggression. They move towards you hungrily.

Everybody roll for initiative. Whoa. Wow, I've been rolling like crap. When'd you roll? Rolling like crap. What did you roll, Alex? I rolled a five. That is a crappy roll.

I rolled a nine. Nine for Alex. Not too bad. of a crappy roll. Jack, what'd you get? 22. Whoa. Red?

11. 11. What? That's what I sound like. I like it so much. You asked Red. You didn't ask Harlan. Harlan, would you get?

I got 11. 11. What do you guys think your dexterity modifier would be as real people? Oh, no. Just to totally fuck up the whole honestly and this genuinely i think this is one of the most untrue thing about dindy my decks would change so drastically depending on the day and the hour sure yeah if it's first thing in the morning

yeah if i'm like if i am like in the mode where i'm like cleaning the house and picking up after henry and shit yeah my dexterity is like plus six but 90% of time maybe a negative two you know what you have a baseline though baseline everyone's got to be zero right like i don't think my baseline Like, it all depends on context. Well, I'm sleeping. My dexterity is not plus four. Well, I mean, you're very stable. Like, it'd be hard to knock you over more.

That's true. When you're lying down. Yeah. Or Harlan specifically when he's sleeping. I mean, I'm like a tree. He's the stablest. Yeah. I'm a tree.

Anyway, let's play some D&D. So, Jack, it's your turn first. What do you do? Yeah. Jack sees these critters in front of him. And, you know, he's his whole life heard of all of the stories of it could come from the water deep sewers and everything being like oh they snatch you and went into the water deep sewers and changed into something else and love that he's freaking out he's never been down

here himself actually but seeing something actually crawl out of the sewers things that like should only ever be a fairy tale and it's real life like a 12 foot lobster man it's not okay so yeah he he pulls out all the stops he's got this huge fireball conjured he's throwing a little bit of the the extra English on there from, from, you know, using as much of his alchemical casting to pull it all together into some kind of crazy big spell and he lets it loose down the sewer in front of them up into that big circular chamber and tries to catch as many of these things as he can in a blast of force and fire. I love to see it. And I also love that Jack is wasting all of his big spell slots. I mean,

it's fine. It's fine. Nothing else will be happening in this. adventuring day marries at the back going cool trick yeah what kind of a saving i would like dexterity saving throws looking for 17 sounds great and you're catching four of them in the front here with that's what it looks like to me all right oh first one's a 19 uh a 15 so that fails a six and a natural 20 so it looks like maybe the two that's so it looks like maybe the two that that are closer to the epicenter of this blast take its full force and the two on the outside succeed 37 damage total is force and fire wash over these critters or half of that for the two in the back I guess say critters when you call them critters it makes them seamless menacey sorry I meant the critters it's a

famous story about shit from the sewers in water deep I oh my god if everything needs context it's not valuable to say it's something everybody here knows we're not from here well that's the I'm sorry. I'll try and be more inclusive. That's a you problem. I love that exchange. That's perfect. Yeah, so looking ahead of him, throws this fireball, turns behind, sees one more and just reaches out psychically to try and push it back five feet with a bonus action. Strength save? Yes. 17 strength saving throw, please. Yeah, I just ruled a 17. Well, then it doesn't move. And Jack moves right tight against the wall. Cowering beside your golden retriever in the darkness. Making sure there's only two paths of

attack and not three. No, that's perfect. And things down here smell just a little bit better for a minute. There's like a baked lobster smell as this fire and force erupts from the center. We're lucky there wasn't a lot of methane going on, but... Yeah. Well, my problem is that I already had like the vanilla bubble around my head, so now it smells like vanilla fish, so I'm the only one who goes, ugh. Eesh. Red, it's your turn. What do you do? It's Red's turn. I thought they were going to go before me.

Nope. I'm so unexpected. This is so... Okay. Did you say red or bread? Because it smells like calamari in here. Hells.

Red will hop out. And is there anything I can do that's cool? Everything you do is cool, honey. I have this thing, frigid touch, where if I touch water, it freezes.

It won't have sex with you. Jesus Christ. What is sex in this episode. I have this idea where I like step out on this flowing water and it freezes beneath it. my foot. Ooh, that's cool.

Yeah, but it's an action. Don't you water walk too? Yeah, but again, it's an action. It would look cool, but mechanically, I don't want to waste a spell slot. Instead, Red Will lean out. Ah, fuck it. He'll jump down into the water. Yes, sploosh, bluish, motherfuckers.

And I'm going to fire an arrow at the two creatures or critters, he says, as he nods to Jack, at the far end straight across from me. All right. And I am going to use one of my magic arrows. Are you aiming at the one that's most fried? I'm aiming at both. What? From Mari's position, you see Red reached into his quiver,

which has never had any arrows in it. And as he goes to grab one, an arrow materializes in his hand. I mean, that's pretty cool. He pulls out an arrow, a dude with magic, and he fires it, and I'm going to cast a piercing arrow. Awesome. So when I use this option,

And instead of making an attack roll, the arrow fires forward in a straight line, which is one foot and 30 feet long. So each creature in a line must make a dexterity saving throw. Sick. The first one fails with an eight. Nice. The second one rolled a 12. 12 fails. All right.

So both of these fail. They both take 16 damage. Sick. As an ethereal arrow pierces through both of them. And then I'll attack. again but just the one at the front assuming it's still standing better than it ever did is it still standing i need to no gm yeah this arrow just bo bo bo bo bo bo bo split uh just skewers through both of these giant pistachian monstrosity creatures and they are still standing but fragments of their shell shattered

and uh rain down in the water around them 13 to hit no damn my second arrow misses and i'm going to spend my feline agility to run back the way i came and hide behind marie and jack well i'm second weakest there's just an ever-growing line of heroic adventurers cowering against the far wall behind marie who definitely wants to be here the most i have one hit point more than the wizard she's just standing there as they all go like, ha-ha, and then just hide behind her back, like, Red's, like, under her jacket, like, peaking out. Mary, Mary, protect me. You're so much stronger than me.

The critters. Mari, it's your turn. Oh, God. None of these guys are dead yet, right? It's okay, Marie. They're the bad guys. You can destroy them. No, this is the welcoming committee.

They're like, welcome to our sewers. Ow, ow, ow, why are you hurting us? I did that once while I was, uh, when I was DMing. Mean. When you were a giant lobster? Yeah, yeah, I was a. I was like, hello. I, yeah, and then after they killed all the guys, one of the dudes in the group just went,

are we the bad guys? What the hell? I was like, I don't know, man. He was just, just make them roll initiative at inopportune moments. Yeah. Like, during a surprise party. These things are animals. They are not.

Oh, okay, never mind. They're shellfish. Aren't shellfish animals? Well, shellfish don't grow to, like, horse-sized. They look like clawed zeal. Xenomorphs. Claude albino-Zenomorphs. My name is Claude Xenomorph. It's my next character idea.

My name is Claude Zinomoff. My middle name? Ah, yes, of course. It's albino. Mari just sort of looks around it, all these guys, just sort of go for it. Your turn. It's like hiding behind her.

And I'm going to cast guiding bolt. Oh, nice. You know, she just sort of locks eyes, eye, How many eyeballs does these things have? Six, 44? They each have two. But they're small, beady little black eyes that are kind of couched in the kite of their face. Gross.

The one straight in front. The one that red just missed. 17 to hit. Nice. You do hit. 11 damage. So she's pulling back a bit from her previous thing. She's trying to control it because last time it was a little much.

and this time she's kind of under-compensating. Okay, so what does it look like when you cast guiding bolt and it hits this creature? She closes her eyes and she moves one hand around it, a little ruin appears. And then she pushes it forward and it just flies out in a glittering beam. And when it hits the thing, you know,

it lands and creates this big flash. And then even after the flash is gone, the thing it hit just keeps glittering as if it's covered in, like, broken glass. Ooh, cool. Nice. Very cool. Wow, Mary, well done.

Wow, that's some powerful magic. Doran's like wide-eyed looking at you. Doran wants to get into a deep conversation about this with Jack, but this is not the right opportunity. It is not the right opportunity. As it is my creature's turn. The critters. It's our turn.

The critter that's behind you marches up and pulls itself. out of the water with its giant pinchy claws. What the fuck? And it attacks the creature closest to it, our beautiful Kieran. Oh! Yes, yes, yes. Natural one. That's a miss.

That's a miss. Then 23 to hit. Yup. So Kieran, yip! Like, cutely dodges out of the way and then gets caught in a giant pincer. Yes. And everyone, uproarious applause. What?

And cut right in half. He takes... She kills this dog so much. It's not a real dog. It's just like poofs away. Okay. He takes 10 bludgeoning damage as he is squeezed into oblivion. This most adorable golden retriever.

More adorable, you force us to believe him to be the more she kills him. With a cap. How do you not understand how this works, Rob? And a scarf. Just looking so pathetic having trudged through. sludge trying to find this poor missing man. And in this moment, thankfully he disappears into a puff of celestial light

and there is no gore because that would be really sad. He shatters all of his bones and erupts into a spurt of blood. That's great. Unfortunately, there is a little bit of a critter conundrum as there is kind of a bottleneck. The cutest almost death battle ever. A quiddo conundrum. Oh, we're out of space, clippy, clippy.

The foremost critter manages to get up just close enough to attack Mari. And the other one that was coming from the north, menaces Doran. The other two are actually unable to reach our heroes with their movement. And so they're going to continue just shuffling and just shuffling and just. docking for space with their friends. Meanwhile, this first lobster monster tries to catch you up in its claws, Doran. That's only a 14 to hit you. That will not succeed.

Nice. You fail, lobster. Ooh, that's a good one. Uh, 24. Oh, yeah, that hits. Okay. You take 14 bludgeoning damage. And what is more, Dorn, you are lifted.

off of your tiny dwarf feet as the creature grapples you in one powerful lobster claw. I don't love it. So you're grappled right now. It seems that I've been... There's got to be a funny line here. I'll let you think about that

while I attend to Mari. Mari, this other giant lobster from hell tries to attack you with its pincers. So the first one hits you. Poor lady. She's just, She's not prepared for fighting. She's prepared for hanging out.

Think about this adventure she's been on. She's like, I think I'll seek out this nice person I met. You go to a tavern and you're like, oh. Yeah, yeah. Next thing you know, you're like in the sewers after a bloody battle. Yeah, and she's just like. This is not what you were expecting at all. Yeah.

If she survives this, she's going to have to go throw up. Yeah. So say we all. It is going to crush you with its claw. You take. Crack die Crush you with its claw You take 11 bludgeoning damage

And you are grappled Oh that's bad And now that you are grappled in this creature's claw With its second attack It's going to bring you up to its mouth And try to munch on you with its mouth tentacles I don't like this at all No

Make a constitution saving through a body 20 All right You're doing great Okay, you're fine. For now. For now. For now.

For now. For now. Oh, shit. I just closed the fucking tab. Battle over. Legally, it has to be over. You close the tab. No takes back seats.

We win. Thank you once again to our wonderful Patreon supporters, Alexander Ruku, Lost with Two Faces, Mathilda Rushing, Lida, Chelsea Chong, K.R. Sky. Creature. Regan, Michelle Kahn, Heather Nichols, Alexander Reed, Melanie Sheen, Artistic Witch, Brian Blas, Lars, Gray, Brin, Daniel, Tara, Doug, Marie Kaniwski, Merlin, Christopher Ryan Evans,

Mitchell Cadwell, Colin Burkart, and Michael and Brianna Weber. Thank you so much. I've been rolling my new gemstone dice. I almost bought some. We spent too much money on fucking gemstone dice. $7,000. I was like texting Andy like, I was like, oh, fuck, man, I'm going to, all I want to do is buy a bunch of dice.

What was in that tone of weight? Like a drug addict, but with dice. Did you get the stuff?