Dice Shame - 2-71 | 'Dig In'

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

Imagine your best game of D&D. The shocks, the twists and turns, the moments that can’t be caught because you just had to be there. That’s Dice Shame.Join our DM Jo, her husband Harlan, their brother Alex & their best friends Rob and Alex as they experience those unmissable, gut-wrenching, heart-aching, joy-filled moments.This legendary AP releases a brand new episode every Thursday morning at 1:20 am!Content Warning: animal death, swearing, violence, claustrophobiaPart of the Rusty Quill Network Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This little guy's loving it, aren't you a little guy? There's nothing sexual about it. We won't need a blanket. I'm furry. You can hear Red through everything. Leave it. Get your hands off. I'm leaving it. I'm leaving it. I'm not touching. How are your accommodations? Yeah, I'd like that.

Well, I've fallen for your trap. Oh, no, Red. Sorry. If I could sculpt, I would sculpt you. He misreaded as bum ball. What a singing voice, too. This guy is the whole package. It is good to see you, friend. Uncle. Cousin. What is his name?

Cousin. He's my cousin, right? Cousin. It is good to see you, friend, cousin. Friend uncle is just a colloquialism down here. Welcome back to Dajame. This is Season 2, episode 71, dig in. MVP this week is Alice N. They've just caught up on Discord and posted a picture of their new mushroom friend to celebrate.

Thanks for joining us, Alice N. Thanks. Allison. And happy New Year to everybody. It's 2024. There's lots more dice shame coming through your door. So don't worry. We're here to... I don't have any more rights. I liked it very much. I did my best. Should we play some D&D? Let's do it. Woo! Roll for an issue. Your podcast is mine.

You're in a dark alley, and you can encounter either a ghost or an alien, but you know it's the real deal. Which would you pick? Ghost. Great question. Two of us just went ghost immediately. I'm also saying ghost. I don't want to meet an alien. Jesus.

I'm going to hold my answer until you guys give reasons why you're choosing ghost. Well, okay. I mean, a bit of this is like not because the alternate. You know what I mean? Like if an alien confronts you in a dark alley, my logic is they're there for a reason. If a ghost confronts you in a dark alley, you might have just walked down the wrong alley.

Ghost is like, just taking a whiz, man. At least in sort of the understood lore, typically like haunt a place. They don't even really follow a person. But if an alien's there, it wants you, motherfucker. It ain't from this planet by. definition. It followed you there.

I mean, I think that there's just as much reason then for that to be an completely arbitrary location for the... Is it a space alley? Yeah, where's the alley? Because I can go the opposite. I feel like, I'd be more concerned if I was like on like tattooing and a ghost walked over. I'd be like, oh no.

Yeah, I would pick an alien if I was on tattooing is what I'm saying. Listen, the coolest thing I can say in this situation is ghost because then that means there is an afterlife and maybe I could be a ghost one time. You know? You took a way smarter approach than I do. It really comes down to the question of like, do you want to know if there's an afterlife or do you want to know if there is like life outside of our planet? Which is basically where I was approaching.

You guys went totally different than me. Exactly. I went purely like, that's so funny how the mind works though. You two went like, well, obviously this indicates a bigger thing. And I was just like, it does indicate a bigger thing whether they fucking want you. It was really personal to you at that point. It just became this alienness, because I'm the one walking down the alley. And I'm looking at it differently than Harlan.

The same sort of vein, like, I'm going to say I want to see the alien because that means he's coming to see me. And that must be so pretty important. He's probably got some kind of present for me. He's like, you must be the leader of the mankind or the humankind or the human kind. Alex is just pissing in the alley. Why did they talk like someone from fucking New Brunswick? No, but realistically, regardless of reason or regardless of what it may indicate, you know, afterlife or otherwise, I still think I'd probably prefer to meet a ghost because, I don't know, there's something really interesting about, you know, what they would have to say.

There would be so much confirmed denial. Like, it would be the same with aliens, obviously, but there's such a broader idea of what an alien could be. previously discussed, whereas ghost, you know, it's like, oh, so you are bound to a place. Oh, you are corporeal. Oh, you are made of ectoplasm. I don't know. It'd be really cool to kind of have that. Both invite a lot of questions about the nature of the world we're living in, right?

Totally. To know that there are ghosts, then that must work some way. And there's an avenue of inquiry to figure out, like, how the fuck do ghosts work? Why ghosts? What happens? Right? Yeah. What if it's a ghost alien?

Here's the issue I'm running into. So I prefer a ghost in this situation, but I think that if I were to come across a ghost, I would have a lot more trouble convincing people of my experience than if I were to meet an alien because of a ghost's intangible quality, right? I think meeting a ghost would mean more for me personally because it's probably going to be like, Hi, Joe, goodbye, and just fly away or something. But an alien is going to, call me off guard. An alien is going to have more to, more substantial in terms of what it would mean for the rest of the planet, I think. Like, the number of people who are like, yeah, I've met a ghost one time.

I mean, there's hundreds, thousands, hundreds of thousands of people who have that experience. and I would just be then counting myself. No, no, no, no, no. But this was real. Like, I shook their hand. But I think if I met an alien, I would take the alien's hand to be like, we got to, I got to show you to some people. Like, we're going into that bar over there, alien. And you're going to have to go on TV and stuff.

So there's a, there's a trap I think my mind is falling into. Oh, I like mind traps. It kind of reflects back to like, you guys know the end of the watchman. I'm going to spoil the end of the watchman. Oh, yeah. I love the watch. There's a manufactured crisis for humanity, and the author's premise is, it's going to bring us all together, so we quit destroying the planet.

And I think if anything the last couple of years have taught us is that, like, humanity's ability to ignore an actual crisis or an actual world-changing event is unparalleled. And so there was, my mind was like, well, if you met a ghost and knew with certainty that that was a real actual phenomenon, you could do something about. it's a real phenomenon that's unexplained and you there is an opportunity to go try and explain it not everybody to do that there's probably people today who are certain that they have met ghosts and and aren't doing anything about it and in a way that if i met a ghost i wouldn't tell anyone why because i don't i don't feel like sharing it i would just know it you wouldn't tell

andy i'd tell andy i'd tell andy so either andy's no one yeah well he's a blabberman Andy doesn't, Andy. Andy doesn't count. You're going to say Andy doesn't count. Andy, I met a ghost. Yeah, and he'd be like, and it showed me it's dick. Sorry.

Patrick Swayze. Did she say, sorry? I met a ghost. I'm leaving you. Why wouldn't you tell anybody? I don't know. I just, my immediate reaction would be like, I don't know if I'd tell.

I'd wait like, I'd wait till like, I'd wait till like, right before I die. And then I'd be like, by the way, there's an accident. Rose. And just see soon. Just so if I come back, then people are like, damn, she was right. So, I mean, also, let's go the hard friend angle for a second, okay? Okay. Let's say this is a pleasant alien or ghost.

If you like them, the ghost is probably going to be more likely to stick around. Whereas the alien is like, okay, cool, bye. You know what I mean? Like, there's going to be a more limited time with the alien versus the ghost. By definition, ghosts are probably going to hang around for a long time. I wouldn't tell anyone if I saw an alien either. Maybe I want a friendly ghost. I mean, I think that, I mean, and then it gets into the specifics of the fiction that we're talking about

because an alien got here somehow. There are lots of challenges to doing that that means it would now be possible to overcome with certainty we would know, right? Versus it's, we're never going to step on another planet or we're never going to meet another creature. Like, right now there's a lot of question marks about, that and to have the certainty of like, no, it is possible. The idealist in me feels like, well, that could drive something. And then the realist in me reflects in is like, well,

maybe not, though. I also think, too, it depends on, like, what kind of alien it is. Like, am I meeting, like, Stitch or, like, like, Nibler? Or am I meeting the aliens from fire in the sky? Because if I'm meeting those guys, I'm definitely going to just fight them in an alleyway until I win and if I meet like Nibbler or Stitch or like an adorable little little guy I'm going to be like what if we were buds

and then they'll eat me or do whatever but all those stories end the same way and it's we need to take this alien back to its planet yes get them out of here I don't want them get this guy out of here bye friend or what if they're like aliens from Star Trek

hi my name is Sophlog I'm from the planet Kalapatoo and it's just like a guy with that I have Mark on his face. Perfect English every time. I feel like recognizing that there are aliens out there and having met one would fuck you up forever because you would never ever be able to do anything about perpetuating that

personally. But if there was a ghost that you met one time, there's a possibility since they would be living on this planet or unliving. I don't know. You do share the planet with me. That you'd at least be able to like maybe something. one are hanging like hang out i think the scariest part if i were to meet a ghost the most scary part would be after you did the good good good good good the requisite stuttering do your bones jump out of

your body and then back in would be the ghost like punched me or caused me physical harm because then i would never be able to sleep again i'd be like i got punched by a fucking ghost but i guess my point is It would answer the question. A ghost would be if it punched. But it would answer the question Could a ghost injure you, right? Because, you know, if you're... Look out, he's got a gun.

You're wandering through an abandoned warehouse, okay, with friends, right? The ghost has a machete. And you're like, oh, I think it's haunted, right? But you're always telling yourself, well, their ghosts, they can't hurt me, right? But if you find out that actually, yeah, they could connect, you know? Like, what's to stop? from being strangled by a ghost, right? Because that's the worst fear.

Just seeing it wouldn't be that scary. It is the worst feeling. And that's how ghosts kill. Strangle. That's not the, like, there are things on Earth that could kill you way faster than it takes a ghost to do a thing. Maybe not, though, Rob. Ghost alien or crocodile. How do you know?

How do you know, Rob? You could be hit by a bus tomorrow. And be a ghost and strangle elves. Yeah, but a bus can't. as likely as if a ghost were real and are going to strangle you because you pissed that ghost off. But a bus or a car they don't come kill you in your sleep.

Do you know how many people per year get strangled by ghosts? I guess I don't. Because it might be more than people who die in cars. We just don't know if oh, he died of cardiac arrest. Clearly Alex Nersel wouldn't tell anybody so maybe people get strangled. What if every time someone dies

from natural causes, it's actually unnatural causes. Whoa, it's actually a ghost squeezing their heart. Ever think about that? Supernatural causes. There are ghosts in Dungeons and Dragons, but are there aliens? Yeah, that's a good segue right there. Yes, there are.

Githianky. It depends on what our DM feels like doing. Shall we see if there's ghosts in this episode of Dysha? I am Clyborg, the dwarf from outer space. Yeah, let's be a indie. All right, let's do it. All right. Who's that sound?

Dog. A ghost dog. Deep underneath thousands of tons of rock, inside the roots of the Grey Peak Mountains, the lovely manner of Gautier Bright Helm is dug in, carved high up on a cavern wall overlooking the glowing town of Scarborough, splayed out on the floor of the cavern like pearls of light spilled from a bag of holding. Having been introduced to Gautier and briefly chatted with, You are led down a hallway which branches off into several closed chambers. Mari, you're given your own room with a human-sized four-post bed and a large wash tub in one corner.

The stone around which is somehow pleasantly heated to stand on. A lever looks likely to, once pulled, dispense hot water into the tub, though it smells lightly of minerals. Jack, Red, and Elister, you're given the room opposite, Mari. There's just one giant bed in the middle with a pile of cushions and blankets and stuff and two wardrobes on one wall, though all the furniture is sized for dwarves. Doran, you're given the room at the end of the hall, a master dwarven suite with an onsuit washroom and also a private sitting area. The stone floors in your chambers are layered with carpets, and there's a fireplace

at the foot of the bed. all of you are given some time to be in your own chambers to make yourselves presentable before dinner you want to sleep like head to toe Jack or you want to sleep head to head or back to back or back to front or front to front whatever

whatever you feel good about yeah I mean whatever you feel good yeah I mean it's you know I was kind of I mean you know Alistur just walks to the best and lies down right in the middle.

Starfish style. Oh, God, he's still the same. Yeah. But really, I mean, I don't mind if you want to. No, it's great. Dwarven style, when in, when in Scarborough, do as the Scarboroughians do. So face to face then?

Well, I guess with Ellister in the middle. Yeah. Oh, we don't want. I mean, and Red lean's closer and you can smell like the fish on his breath. And he's like, I feel more comfortable being next to you. We've known each other longer. Well, we could, we'll squeeze on one side of the other of them then.

We'll, uh... Yeah, we'll squeeze together on one side. Yeah. Um... Yeah, I agree. We won't need a blanket. I'm furry. I hadn't...

You know, I, it hadn't... Yeah, exactly. Of course. Yeah. Right. I'll go wash up. Red Walk to the basin in the corner and starts slathering water, and the water is, like, quickly turning brown with, like, all the mud and dirt from his paws.

Oh, no. Gonna need another one of these! Hopefully, hopefully they got lots of running water. for us then. Jack, there's still a little myconid sitting on your shoulder. Yeah. In a lovely little bowl of dirt, you know, with some of the best compost I could find on short notice.

You're welcome. Don't ask me where I got it. Listen, that bag of holding is incredible. The stuff you'll find in there. Yeah, bag of holding. And red wings at Elister. Hope he doesn't smell it. Elster just looks back at you very confused.

This little guys loving it, aren't you? little guy. Yeah, the Miconid's like wiggling his little rump down into the compost, like getting real nice and situated. And he kind of like bows at you a little bit. I will bow back in myconid fashion and find him a lovely dark shelf to set him on for a second. Ah, all washed up. Red comes back, flicking water from his hands all over the wooden floor. Just a good shake. What about Mari's doing? Mari, what are you doing? She sort of like, you know, goes in and closes the door, and for the first time in what feels like a while, she's just by herself, like, in a little space like this. And, like, for the first little bit, she starts

she's just puttering around and sort of sorting through her things and trying to clean stains off of her jacket and everything. And it's weird because she's now gotten kind of used to being with the others. So there's this, like, kind of oddness in her head as he tries to figure out what to do next. You can still hear like the dull chatter of red through three stones. You can hear red through everything.

You could be on a different floor and it would still eventually hear like, I could be on a different plane of existence. And she decides to take a bath because she's feeling gross and it's been a while. Nice. And while she's doing that,

she can sort of still hear those guys kind of puttering around. She finds the locket of want in her bag and she uh she sort of like looks at and then decides to pop it open and take a look at what's inside marie it's been a couple of days since you've examined this magical item closely and as you look deep into the locket you are shown your heart's desire when she looks into it there's there's this moment where she can see herself and she's back in amongst the stars and everything in that space that she was in when she decided to go and bring Elister back.

And in this moment, everything is clear. Like, there's its ability to pick the constellations out and to make things work. And there's this strength in her magic that you didn't have at the time and this incredible clarity. And as she does this, she can also start to find other little pieces of constellations in there as well. And she can start to find those pieces of her friends. And even though this magic would never work, it's impossible, she can bring those things back. And it feels good again. But before anything can really kind of like settle in her brain, before she can feel those emotions, everything

sort of starts to fade and this anxiety creeps in to the back of her where she's having this stress about screwing the spell up, of messing that up, of bringing Alistair back. and of seeing Jack's magic not work. And everything sort of starts to fall apart in the back of her brain as she starts to sort of panic and she snaps it shut. You realize that the water around you is starting to grow cold and the locket in your hand is pulsating with this warmth. It's unclear to you how long you've sat here looking into its depths.

Doran, what are you doing? The scene transitions to Doran's master dwarf suite. Nice, ambient lighting. A cushy, big comfortable bed built for many dwarves to pile upon one another. And you hear the echoey reverberation from the on-sweet bathroom, some long overdue flagellence. Moments later, Dorn returns to the bedroom area of his suite. That's not what I expected. some privacy.

Dara, you're taking a shit. I thought you were going to say that Mari was using your bathroom. That's amazing. I don't know what that was. You never get to a nice hotel room and you're like, oh man, I can't we take a shit in this thing?

Well, we broke wrong. Episode over. You haven't had time to shit in peace for like months. Connie's mostly shit. Jesus Christ. Doren stands at the foot of his bad looking on

and he says, wow, this is really this is really too much he sort of shakes his head and goes back to the to the wash basin in the corner of the room and thinking of the way that gotier had presented himself all nice and clean dorin looking at himself in the mirror thought he'd probably clean himself up a bit in order to be a little bit more presentable for the rest of the for the dinner party cool he's like ringing his beard out it's like trying to run a comb through your hair A little bit.

When he comes down, there's like bits of broken comb. But when he does come down, you know, I think it's all sort of a little bit. You're all a little taken aback by how well Dorn has actually cleaned himself up. You know, he's even gone as far as washing the smudged dirt off of his leather bracers. Those were cream colored? It's like a beauty and the beast moment here. Like it just has that awkward energy, but. There's like beard balm

that's sitting beside the wash basin that's like formulated for dwarven beard hairs, you know? The advertisement on the side of it is like you know, fresh from the springs with the Grey Peak, oil reserve or something, grease pits. He misreaded as bum bomb and he

is bum polished to make sure that red really shines if it... Doren cleans himself up. I feel like you hear a knock on the door of your sweet Doren. And as you come, you hear just like the echoes of arguing. Because I want to touch it. Don't touch it. Don't touch it.

I'm leaving it. I'm leaving it. I'm leaving it. I'm not. Get my hands off. My hands are off. Oh. You open the door and Red's like tried to comb his hair by himself, but it also looks really madded and Jack is like trying to fix this cow licked portion that's like stuck up right at the back like alfalfa. It's a style.

Stop it. I, I, I, I, listen, I've seen it fits right in in watered. Oh, hey Doran. Red pushes in past you door and he's like, whoa, look at these. digs. Why did you get such a big room? Is that an orgy bed? Well, what? Dwargy bed? No, this is, this is a dwarf bed. I told you, they're all big and everybody sleeps together. A dwarf an orgy bed? No, there's nothing sexual about it, Red. How are your accommodations? Excellent. Smaller than this. Very comfortable. Marry, you coming? Oh yeah, and Marie sort of

sticks her head out and she's actually like pulled her hair up into like an actual hairstyle for once. Like, it's like, see? I love the idea that she's got the same style as red. And then I'm like, ah, and then when I turn around, you're like, oh, God, and you, like, put it down. Yeah. She's got, like, her hair in, like, a lovely bun. She's kind of, like, pulled up. It looks beautiful.

Yeah, she's wearing, she's, she's, she's, oh, no. Yeah, she's pulled it like, she has, like, a different shirt that she's pulled out made of, like, this, like, very, very deep blue silk. Nice. Nice. Uh, shall we head down for dinner? It smells. bland Yeah

The bland stew is not canonical Dwarven Fair for all meals No It is in Red's mind

And he's trying to be supportive by pretending that he smells bland stew It's certainly Our understanding

of Dwarven food Up until Yeah And Dorn Corrects Red And he says Oh no Red

Sorry You think you smell bland stew But you won't find it anywhere except for how my mother makes it at home. Oh, I'm sorry, Doren. You must be so sad.

During the Great Receiving. That, no, that's not what I'm... My point is, you're not smelling bland stew. Let's just go down for dinner. Oh, you're right. I'm smelling really good stew. I'm like, like, nodding to Jack and Mario, like, coaxing them. Oh, yeah. We smell delicious, not bland stew.

I can't wait to try Goatiers' houses cooking. You guys are in for a real treat. Me neither, Doran, whatever blend or super flavorful food that you give us. I'm really excited for you. Yeah, we'll be happy. As they start heading down, like, Mari, like, leans over to red, she's like, I snuck a salt cellar in my pocket. Like, she's got, like, a little bag of salt.

Whoa. Can I give it a lick? No. You can't, why can't lick it? Wait, salt brick or salt? Cellar. Like, a little bag, like, salt. Yeah, that's fine.

Yeah, I was a kid. My mom used to give me, like, a salt lick. It was really nice. You make your way down into a low-ceilinged dining hall that is lit extravagantly. There are candles on the walls and on the table in front of you, but also a variety of strange phosphorescent lamps. They're all glowing different colors, blue and purple. There's an orange one nearby that's emitting this tapping sound. You can see tiny orange-glowing beetles like partying inside.

another one's full of fungus and whatever. It's very cool. And the table is heavy with food. That's all laid out before you. Gautier is already sitting at the head of the table. And as you enter, he hoists the tankard in your direction. You're like, hurry, come on and sit down. All right.

Oh, cool. Wow, look at the feast. Goethe, I don't want to impugn your honor as a host, but we haven't heard a single embarrassing story about Doran's youth yet. Yeah, we could probably stand to hear at least four to five and ten. Totally. What does impugn mean?

Jack, I'm sure you've seen enough embarrassing things about me. You don't need to hear more about my youth. Yeah. Come on. Pull up a chair. I've got plenty of stories. Please, please. Make yourselves comfortable.

Oh, finally. And Red takes off his boots that he just put on. He loosens his tie that he just put on and slicks his hair back to how it normally is. And he's like, ha, I've been waiting all day. And he, like, farts and sits down. That took forever to get down those stairs. Or she's got her head in her hands. Yeah.

A couple other people come into the room and sit themselves amongst you as well. Two dwarven men at arms, one of them who led you into the house to begin with. And also a sverfneblin, a deep gnome. Oh. Hello. Oh. Hello. Wow.

Hello. Hi. Hello. Oh. That's a vibe. What's your name? Red walks over to the Svrf Neblin. Yeah, he's already tucked himself into the table and he's like taking a kloche off of a steaming platter of food and he's helping him himself.

What's a kloch? And he sits right next to the Svrf Neblin. Oh, wow. Can I just say, sir, you are one of the most handsome things I've ever seen. Thank you. Your features are chiseled. Look at this. Mari, look how handsome this guy is.

Mari's like picking through like some food. She's like, what? He's handsome. Jack, Doren? He's like absolutely not handsome. But Red's like enamored. Like, wow. Yeah, I mean, if I could sculpt, I would sculpt you.

He looks like a gray potato in a hat. You've got so many fascinating angles and curves. I didn't know. Faces could wrinkle like that. I am Thindul Rockmelter. Wow. Nice to meet you. Are you a model?

No. I'm a merchant among my people. Oh, do you sell paintings and things that are beautiful, like your features? Everything I have for sale is wonderful and high quality. Wow. Look at that. Please sit, eat. Oh, absolutely.

Red sits down and starts into a conversation with this guy. Go tears, like, oh, yeah. Yes, sorry. I didn't introduce my guest here. A merchant traveling friend stopped by a little while ago, and perhaps you saw some of his things. He's handsome! Red says, he's like chewing on a potato. In the house, or like, have you been buying things off of him? Yeah, in the entryway. Sorry again about the mess. Some clutter.

You guys must have a pretty productive work and relationship then. Is that a big part of how you... I haven't seen Thendool in. What's it been, Fendool? perhaps five years, sir. What a singing voice, too. This guy is the whole package. Just a real hand talker, real spooky hand talker, this guy is. He does.

It's really bringing something out of you, Joe. He's got like a big body for a, he's probably three and a half feet tall, but like kind of a big body. But really spindly arms. His fingers are like a foot long. Yeah, he's just, high. Yeah, scary potato. It's like a salad fingers. It's like Nusveratu.

Mm-hmm. Yes. Yeah. Red's attentions are making him blush purple under his gray skin. Wow. Is there a Mrs. Red? Oh, no, no. Not interesting that way. Just an admirer. Doran sidles up next to Gautier and pulls his seat in. Yeah. And really without any hesitation reaches forward and starts gathering food and puts on the plate in front of him and starts chowing down and through conversation. Oh, I was starving Goetcher.

I have to tell you, you know, I really, I wasn't sure what kind of a reception I'd have coming back home. And to be totally clear with you, I actually thought that there was some other reason why I wasn't allowed into the city. Your guard was very fair in telling me that everybody was sick. But, you know, had I not asked, I thought maybe that we were barred. regardless it is good to see you friend uncle cousin what is his name cousin he's my cousin cousin cousin it is good to see you friend friend uncle is just a colloquialism down here and so good to see you too doran it's been i mean what uh 28 years yep about that about 30 years since i took off to to join the wars 40 maybe yeah he claps you on the shoulder and then like

reaches a spoon into this huge plate full of like white eels in red sauce and just like scoops you a big eel. Dwarven spaghetti. I can't believe what you've put out for us. And Doran sort of refers to the food on the table and then pointing back towards where they came from the rooms. I really can't thank you enough for your hospitality. I mean, this really does mean so much to me and my, my, my companions here.

You know, we just happen to be passing through, if I'm being honest with you. Well, cousin Joel Gus said that he saw you about a 10 day ago. Yes, that's right. And that you were planning to come back to see your mother. So I kind of thought like maybe you would be on your way. Well, I'll have to make sure I see Jolgas while I'm here. Has he stayed in town or has he left? Well, no, because of the rock plague,

we just sent him back on his way. I was, I was wondering about that. When do you think any of us will be able to go back into the city without fear of catching the rock plague? Perhaps, perhaps a couple of days. I feel like Reds just prattling on with this Svirf Neblin and he just like shouts it every once in a while. He's like, did you know he sells stone?

What was it? Shem! Shadwax. Stone Shadwax. Jack, do you need those? Do we need more shad wax? I sell vegetarian and non-vegetarian soap.

Wow. Visions of the soaps. That could be vegetarian or non... Wait, that's concerning. We don't use a lot of soap to my chagrin. But we could use more. I agree. Probably. And shadwax.

We'll take a few, I guess. Uh, ilk sap. Of course, yes. Red's like kind of being sold and you can see Red like starting to get getting hot in hair and he's like taking sips of wine. We had an ilk sap drink at some point, didn't we? You have had ilk sap before. I don't remember if it was good or bad is the problem.

Prango sold it to you. Mari's just watching this happen because she's sort of been like painting it to Doren and Gautier but she's now here's red being like, yeah, I'd like that. And she just grabs like a tiny fork and just sort of puts her hand on the table and just stabs him in the side of the leg. And I turned to her and I'm like, I'm not, I just, I'm trying to get out of this. He's wheedling me in. He's got, he's got some sort of charm over me.

I think it's magic. He's charming me with his good looks. Look! And Red like leans back and you have a clear shot of this guy again. Like flies are buzzing. It's like a Renan Stimpy shot. You know, like, zoomed in. And he comes back.

He's like, what am I supposed to say to that? Gently excuse yourself from the conversation if you need to. Okay. I got to go! stands up and like pushes out and just like walks five feet away and leans against the wall panting for a second i'm going to sit down with the with the two dwarven men at arms and sort of introduce myself as you know hi i'm jack page i didn't catch your guys names oh me i didn't prepare for this i was i'd never had a name before i'm sorry i'm sorry there's three of

other people who join you i was like okay great we're i just hate when people off I don't know. How rude of us to not stop in. I was like, oh no, we've missed an opportunity because we just talked over her with this gnome shit. We never got to these other two characters she's created with such care and craft. I got as far as the spurf, Neville,

and I was like, that's all I need. And you know what? I know her well enough, but I jumped in to make sure no one had to. Well, I've fallen for... Classic Joe has three characters and thinks of one of their names. Sorry.

No, this, the, the, the one guy turns to you, Jack, and he's like, oh, I'm Valdreik. Stutter over my own name. Baldricks is what they used to call me. Valdrick stutter, huh? Valdric, yeah. Nice to meet you. Jack Page. Hey.

That's me, yep. So what's your deal, Jack? He's like sullenly shoveling porridge into a bowl. I mean, This must be the bland stew that you'd heard so much about. I'm from Waterdeep. I'm an archaeologist. Definitely that, everything else up in the air at the moment.

Is that the bland stew? This. Yeah, you could say this is the bland stew, all right? And he looks secretively over at you and starts stirring it slowly. Ooh. Duren stops his conversation with Gautier to interrupt that conversation. He leans over and says, but it's not the same bland.

Do that I was talking about, Jack? I get it's not like your mom made. That was for my mother. I mean... Okay. I just got to be that. Make sure that's clear. Redd-like walks back over and is like,

it's not as good. And he nods like curtly and like supportively to doors. That's right. Yeah. I did a good job. Then he sits back down between Mari and the guy. I don't know if, uh, if you know much about bland stew, though. He takes a slow bite, just staring at you the whole time.

I'm done. trying to try it. Are you? Marie's like, she's looked up and she's like, do it. Yes. Kiss him. I can't wait to be bored. My partner runs a restaurant and I've just heard about this for a long time from Doran.

I've tasted lots of things. I'd love to have a spoonful. I don't think you're ready. Well, now I'm going to just take the bowl from across the table if you're going to challenge me. Not his bowl, but hopefully there's another one that... There's like a... He's like got a, like an individual... It's like a small cauldron sitting just to his left.

Oh, but... Yeah, okay. That he's like coveting. I stand up and take advantage of my gangly half-elf arms to reach across this small dwarven table and stick a spoon into the bland stew and pop it right in my mouth. Roll a dexterity saving throw.

Jack. You lose a finger. 14. You shit your pants. Oh. Oh, I rolled a natural one. Hey! Oh, nice.

Valdreak stutter over his own name Valdreke reaches out to try to grab your hand as you go for the stew and misses. Spoon. It puts his hand right in the ass of the chicken. Spoon in my mouth. Is it a chicken there? I take two steps back to be behind Red. I got your body. Red blocks it.

He turns around and stands up and then sort of like shakes his head like, no, he ain't worth it. Do it. sits back down. Dude, Jack, how does it taste? And the whole room goes quiet. I couldn't describe it. There just aren't words, this neutral. True neutral.

Oh, my God. You've made a powerful enemy this day, man at arms. Gautier shakes his head and whispers something under his breath, Doren, that sounds sort of like, shouldn't have done that. You've made a powerful enemy. good job jack good job red patch on the back yeah now that now that he's kind of given the the like it's not worth it kind of vibe i might try and sneak my way back into it the chair at the table and not just be like standing up cowering behind red yeah i sit down too can i try some of that too man

at arms yeah sure thanks red picks up a spoon and tries it hmm bland This name's Valdrick. Ah, whatever. Thank you once again to our wonderful Patreon supporters, Adam Fry, Amanda Kitchener, Amy Gaza, Anne Atholagoth, Cecil Lee Wilson, Jerry Rose Anderson, Christopher, Colin Burckhart, Crow, Casey. D.S. Dippity, Elizabeth H, Flynn, Gareth Bradshaw, Haley, Haley again, Harper the Marks, Indrid Hartley, Jekyll, J.D., Joy Robinson, Jory, K.R., KM, Cade, Lazzania, Last Ruth on the left, Leader J, Lizzie Demon, Lorelei Feldman, Matilda Rushing, Melinda Curley, Moon, Melissa, Merlin, Sam C, Regan,

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