Dice Shame - 2-82 | 'Upset the Applecart'

Episode Date: March 21, 2024

Imagine your best game of D&D. The shocks, the twists and turns, the moments that can’t be caught because you just had to be there. That’s Dice Shame.Join our DM Jo, her husband Harlan, their brother Alex & their best friends Rob and Alex as they experience those unmissable, gut-wrenching, heart-aching, joy-filled moments.This legendary AP releases a brand new episode every Thursday morning at 1:20 am!Content Warning: animal death, swearing, violence, claustrophobiaPart of the Rusty Quill Network Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

That doesn't look anything like me. That's just your stereotypical... I'm gonna be jumping. Getting a little frustrated. Can we not just hug it out? We probably don't have to be in the same barrel. Aw. Am I wrong? Oh my God, Oliver Gold.

I need to learn Dwarven so I can read these six books I just got... I don't think we need a whole production here. I'm not gonna lie to you. You know, they got to get some details. You came home! I've never killed an innocent person in my life. Well... Yeah?

You've caused the death of... That's different. I've never taken... What if my friends killed the other dwarves? Is that okay? And one fell kind of of natural causes. Welcome back to Dice Shame. This is Season 2, episode 82, upset the apple cart. MVP this week is Toast de Bomb.

a.k.a. Brandon, who joined our Discord and who is on their second listen-through of the show. They say they love the podcast, and we love you too, Brandon. Thank you for joining us. You're this week's MVP. All right. Should we play some D&D? Yeah, let's do it. Woo! The five of you stand within the secret walls of Gorgon's Tavern. Doran, having just spoken to the bartender, he watches on as he speaks with a city guard.

Your fate lies within the hands of this man, and everyone can sense it. Um, guys, Red, don't panic. Could go either way right now. You're just going to have to trust me on this one, okay? I don't know, Doran, I feel like panicking. Just watch. Panicking might be a precautionary measure right now. Giram nods at the guard, and they exchange a few more words, and Giram puts his arm around the guard's shoulders, and they walk out the front door together.

Goddammit, Doren. Now, listen, we need to get out of here. Don't get jumpy on me, Red, all right? It's the perfect time to be jumping. It's not jumpy if you're just protecting yourself from the possibility of getting killed. I get it. You're always ready to leap and jump. But not in this case, all right?

I need some gold coin. Do you promise him money? I didn't promise him. I said we'd help him out. Jack's like, trust him. We need to win. Money? Wait a minute, guys.

That changes me a too serious. You have to admit. We need to retain money so I have the possibility to transcribe spells into my wizard book at all times. I need to learn dwarven so I can read these six books I just got. We're going to find a dwarven dictionary. Wait, yeah, you did tell them that you'd give them money, Doran? Look, I don't care whether you. you believe me or not. Now I'm at the point now where I'm getting a little frustrated. I don't even

know why I keep handing over my gold to you for safekeeping. I want 100 gold now. And that's not too much to ask. Actually, Mari's the party treasurer. All right. So he turns to Marri. The new bag of holding. I just want, I want to put some gold in my pocket so that I'm not always having to come back here and I ask you for for gold. Darin, look, Mari, Jack and I have been with you through a lot We followed you to Gautier's mansion. We trusted you on that. Isn't it perfectly a right for us to have a little bit of doubt in this moment? It is.

But let's keep our voices quiet. That's a good call. Mari, this whole time, I said her eye, like, pressed to the crack, just watching while these two, like, bicker in the background. And she's, like, almost ready to start casting a spell. There's just, like, her hand is glowing. She is ready to just start lighting shit up if guards come back in. Alistair turns to Red and Jack with his hands outstretched.

Listen, you guys don't know what it's like here in Scarborough, okay? Doran's lived here since, I don't know, how old were you, Doran? It was like 50, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was born here, and I lived here for almost 80 years. We got to trust that Doran knows what's what down here, okay? Thank you, Alistair. It's all we have. Never thought I'd be saying that.

listen, I don't care whether you trust me or not. If you want to flee, flee, but I think that's a bad idea. Red, I am looking at Giram and I'm trusting him, okay? And part of that is helping out an old friend a little bit of gold. This is an act of goodwill to show him that I'm sincere. I told him that we'd help him out. I'd help him out. Now, I don't care if you want to or not, but one-fourth of that gold.

Nobody's keeping gold from you, Doran. Don't worry about it. Yeah. All right. All right, Doran, you're right. You're right. There's no reason that... There's no reason to think that you don't know what's best. I'm sorry. Thank you. And if I'm wrong, I'm wrong, but I'm glad that you're keeping... But you're not going to be wrong, right? No, I'm not going to be wrong.

But I'm glad that you're keeping an eye out. Giram's coming back in. I'm going to blast this fucker. She's just got an arrow trained. Oh, so many Giams. Gereem re-enters the tavern without the guard and begins to make his way toward the kitchen again. I told him we'd help him.

You know what, the way this is going, we're probably going to be ending up murdering Gautier. So this is all a fix anyways. Let's be honest. Look at, look. Am I wrong? And he looks at each of you. Let's not throw the M word around.

I like to think of it more as like vengeance, but yeah, you're not wrong. Can we not just hug it out? Elister's like, huh? I've been saying that this whole time. Not, not, do you really think that that's an option at this point? Gautier cannot be trusted. He is the bad guy. Well, I mean, probably there's a system around here.

Dwarves must have laws. We trust. you, Doren. We trust you. Do what you think is best for the party. This is your city and your family and I support you. Thank you. I trust you. Of course.

Mari? Mari's digging through the bag of holding. One of her arms already a spider. Yeah. She pulls out. It's all webby. She's like, oh, oh, I don't mind this.

But and she shoots read a look like, are you doing this? Like, are we going to, is this cool? We got to trust our friend. Just be ready for anything. Put a handful in the purse. You got it. And let me get back in there. How much gold am I giving him? Oh, I don't know, just filled this purse. Just seven thousand gold. Oh my God, over gold. How much gold do we have? I mean, it's nebulous. There's a pile, because I've got a whole, all that treasure from Zozboffel. We haven't really divvied up anywhere either sitting in my bag.

You guys could afford a little... I'm not worried about it. Should I give 80? Sweeten the pot. 80 gold. Sounds generous. I wanted 100, but I'm not going to cry about it. All Doran's doing is standing here,

and he's like expecting you just to throw some cash in there so he can go back here and talk to... 65. It's my final offer. All right. Thanks. Dorn. He gives you this dirty look, like...

That says, it's not yours. It's not your guy's decision. Those purse strings are going to be tight. Nari's going to be counting everyone's change. You spent how much on that hour? This is what happens when you have a bunch of sisters and like live in a little house. Torin ties the coin purse to his belt and climbs back up through the pantry, secret doorway. I hope he knows what he's doing.

Gehram is waiting for you upstairs. Gehram, I'm sorry. Listen, what do the guards say I saw him come in? They're saying that you killed some dwarfs, Doren. Which I, uh... Yeah, well, we did. I'm not going to lie to you. These were hit men.

That's a serious accusation. Well, it's a serious accusation because it's true. Giram, there's no doubt about it. You've seen the corruption going on in this city. They sent hitmen. What am I going to do? Let him kill me? Look at me.

I'm an iron fist. Doran, I'm not part of some kind of mafia here. I'm the owner of a tavern. This is my life. If the guard finds out that I was sheltering you, helping you. Nobody's going to find out. And you say that there's some kind of dark underbelly to the Scarborough politics? I would lose my bar.

I would end up in jail, or worse, dead. This is serious. Gyrum, I've seen enough death, especially of friends. And I'm not here to cause problems. And I want to get out of here as soon as possible. Do, can I just roll an insight for sincerity of Giram? Absolutely. Absolutely. Let's roll dice.

Ha ha! A 14 total. From your reading of Giram, you would assess that he is truly concerned about his bar in a material sense, that he is loyal to this tavern above all, and that he serves his own interests. Gehrum, what did your friend the gnome say? There's a long pause, and you just hear the tightening of a bowstring from beyond the wall.

I got him in my sights. Razrik was here to pick up some payment from me in the form of some barrels of strong drink. I can't afford a monetary payment this month to the Engineers Guild. And his wagon is just outside. he owes me a favor. I told him there might be something else in his cart. And he told me that if he had no idea what it was, then he wouldn't be under any obligation to report anything amiss.

Doren's like doing calculations in his head, thinking how we can all fit inside barrels, or how we can all fit inside of a box, or how we can all get onto the... We probably don't have to be in the same barrel. There's probably more than one, if that helps your calculations. Aw!

Have you already loaded the barrels, Gereem? The barrels of drink? Yes, there are three on the wagon. He doesn't want to get involved, but the Engineers Guild is closer to Doreen's. Then I could get you otherwise. Listen.

I haven't decided if I want to get involved with this either, Doran. Roll persuasion. Can I present the coin purse and add advantage to this? Well, you already have advantage because of our lovely Drew. Oh, so disadvantage, because it's only $65. It's like, what's this going to do for me? Fuck you, though. You're a real fuck you.

Persuasion? Yes, please. It's a 13. Ooh. With advantage? With advantage. Do you know what advantage is? Yeah, I rolled two dice.

You add them together. Add them together for an average, divide by two. No, you're kidding. Gerem shakes his head, and he leaves the kitchen. Ooh. And then he comes back a moment later with the poster. And he just shoves it at your chest, Doran. I take it and I look at it and I study it.

What's it say? It's a stunning likeness of you, Doran. God damn it. Clearly the artist was familiar with you. Mari, Jack, Red, Elister are kind of crudely drawn, less recognizable as individuals. Like, red looks like some kind of bear maybe. That's hilarious. The dwarfish runes underneath indicates.

that you're wanted by the city to give any information that people might have about it to the city guard and offers a reward of 500 gold pieces for your capture. It's a steep

price. That is a steep price. It's a very steep price. Gereem, I'm going to try this one last time and I hope you'll appreciate where I'm coming from because I'm just a dwarf trying to get home to see his dying mother

And I'm literally going through this perilous journey to get there And frankly, I probably wouldn't be here Had I not seen the vision of Gautier threatening my mother's life Just to capture me Think of how sick an individual must be Here's what I can do for you and he pulls out the coin purse and he says now this is not much

this is only 65 gold pieces in here but I want to give it to you as an act of goodwill I don't know how else to say this but likely Gautier will meet his demise very soon and when that happens there's going to be

an opportunity for this city to be cleaned up take another look at the way citizens are being treated I don't know what's more worth to you a future or 500 gold pieces that might tie over for another month Gehrim takes the purse from you

Doran and then turns away from you to stir the soup and without turning back he says as little as I like Gautier I don't want blood on my hands if you kill a single dwarf that is a citizen of Scarborough you better not show your face here ever again

I've never killed an innocent person in my life well you've caused the death that's different one of my friends killed other dwarves Is that okay? In one fell, a catarum natural causes.

Reds arrows each called natural causes. Doran, a personal judgment of yours as to whether a dwarf is deserving of death is irrelevant to me.

I understand. Swear on it. Swear that you will not kill another dwarf inside this. city so that means I've got to take Gautier and to tell me you wouldn't sleep easier tonight with a clean conscience I've been able to sleep easy for decades maybe it's time for a new leaf iron fist yes I swear on it I swear on Morriden I swear on my mother I won't kill any dwarf in this city.

He turns back to you ladling a couple of bowls of stew, making as if he's about to bring it out to the diners. And he shoots a look at you as he finishes garnishing these bland stew bowls with some bland-looking leaves. From what I know of you, Doran, you have enough dwarfish blood on your hands already. A look of embarrassment dashes across Doren's face. And it weighs on my mind every day, Gereem. Thank you for this.

And he nods at you. And he crawls back through the pantry. All right, guys. Yeah, we heard everything. You did. Yeah, these walls are super thin. You walk in and like everyone's, like, like ready to fight like ready to go and you're just like we're good to go and like red's like oh my

god it's yeah you did good darn you did right by us oh it's nice to hear for once let's not delay can i see that poster for a second here it does not look like me he ends you the stack of posters i look like a fucking bear he points at jack jack jack looks like himself yes okay i'll give him that I mean, I, that doesn't look anything like me. That's just your stereotypical fancy elf from somewhere. I mean, I was going to say, look, they even have your, like, those are your exact shoes. Like, wow. Get your hair.

Get your hair. I think you have these earrings, too. It has yours a redhead? Yeah. You know, they got to get some detail, right? It's a bit of a glow up, honestly. Hey, now. You should really be talking about this another point.

Yeah, you should pot your hair like this. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, before the gnome gets. It's back to his cart. Into the barrel. All right. So I guess the plan is that we sneak back out from the crawl space

and climb into barrels in the cart of this gnome. Guys, tell me how you do it. Pretty much just like that. Yep. I don't think we need a whole production here. I was hoping for a little more, but that's fine. I mean, we open the door. Look left, look right, and then tipto, tipto.

softly as we pass. If one of them's full of liquid, Mari's just like, all right, and just climbs in because she can breathe underwater. They're all full of liquid. Mari drowns in episode. Wait, she doesn't care. She can breathe underwater.

This isn't water. It's booze. I can breathe in whiskey. It's great. Are there like empty barrels around or boxes? She's drunk as hell. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. So this gnomish cart basically is going to be pulled

by subterranean pony variety. Cool. There's a place up front where the gnome is going to sit to drive the cart ostensibly. And then the cart is sort of like this

open-topped wagon in the back. There are four wheels. It's pretty large, I don't know, the parts of a wagon, but like the inside of it is like big enough

for six barrels and there's only three in there. So if you guys wanted to put some extra stuff in there, great. If you want to empty out the barrels and hide in the barrels, I don't know. What are you going to do? I picture it as not upsetting what's already in the cart because he's got to deliver some stuff.

As Doran crawls out from underneath, he turns back to his companions. He says, okay, listen. And pointing around him at the plethora of empty barrels and crates that are just stacked behind the bar. It's like Ruta Beggos. Yeah. Look, we're going to empty some of these. We're going to get them in the cart. and we're going to climb in the cart.

I don't want to upset any of the ale that Giram loaded in with the gnome earlier because... Well, what if we just lie down flat on the cart and Mari casts illusory terrain over us? It's technically terrain, isn't it? I don't know. That might work on the bed of the cart, you know? Jack's looking it up in one of his magic books. Rob's like, hold please. Would that work? I don't have that right now, so no.

Oh, never mind then. It's a 10-minute casting time, and it can make things. look like nature what would terrain part of it a wagon full of meadow so he's going to be

carrying a lake just a 150 foot lake falling around I mean I could cast fog cloud inconspicuous

I don't think we should spend too much time on this I say we just load in yeah there's like a scene

of us loading in all the cart with like five of these barrels or maybe three barrels

and two crates everyone gets as small as possible and hunkers down. Yeah. Come on,

Alistair, you can do it. And Doran climbs in the last after kind of putting the tops on all the barrels and the crates. Not nailing them down or anything, but just putting them on. But Doran gets in the last and he positions the crate that he crawls in

so that he can see out the back at where they are and know when to get out. I dig it. And there's a hole in Red's barrel and he's like got an eye up to it. And he's like, Doren, I think I'm right next to you.

In fact, you all have holes in barrels with eyes. Everyone's got one eye hole in their barrel or crate. Yay, so generous. Nice. It also doubles as a breathing hole. Heck yeah. Hey, darn. If we're not going with disguises, can I have that cloak I gave you back?

Yes, you can, Red. Just as soon as we're out of these crates. Thank you. I'm going to keep this jacket. It's really nice. Murray's keeping her cloak. It's like silk lined inside. Alastair found a tank top

Whoa Showing off the muscles After just a few more moments It's just long enough for you guys To start getting achy And feeling like maybe you should have picked A different position for your crunching hiding spot I'm too tall for this

This rock gnome comes around And he's like doing a bad job Of not inspecting the cart He's like Sure, I hope that there's nobody in my cart. Okay. Wow, this guy's a good liar.

He's very subtle. Alistair, Alistair, does seeing him make you, like, feel nostalgic? I don't want to talk about it. Oh, right. Don't do anything that might make him turn giant. And after a second, you hear the horse go, Hey. Shit, fuck!

You came home. Minds you have Doran's pony and you're off. Where is that pony? Back in Waterdeep? You guys left all your horses and stuff. The hamperer house. I missed them. Well, mine's dead, but I missed your part.

It's true. I have so many questions. Oh, that's fair point. I want to give inspiration to the person who's not Robb, who can remember Rob's horse's name. Glenduin or some shit. Wait, Glyn. It's Emacier.

Emacier. I would have gotten it. That's right. Which in Elvish means gem flower. This game is rigged. I can't even guess. You could listen. You could be caught up by now.

The wheels of the cart. Go round and round. I mean, that was, but like, everyone, everyone thought it. Everyone thought it. Quitting Dungeons and Dragons. wheels on the car go round round round round round round round round and round no that's the end of the episode the wheels on the plus the end we also it goes to commercial and then we're done so the gnome drives you through the streets of scarborough and there is an increased

guard presence that you notice as you pass through after a few short minutes of travel the cart stops and you're in a dark, large room. You hear the whistling sound of the gnome depart after having unhooked and led away the horse, and for all that you can see and perceive, you are now alone. Are we clear? God, this guy really likes whistling.

I think he's giving us a hint. Oh, you think he's being non-shallant? He isn't like onions? Huh? Yeah. No, non-shallant. It's like, you know, like he's playing kai. Right, right, right.

That's the Mazdican accent coming out. I get it. What? I guess we can get out now. Red pushes out of his barrel. Ah, man, my barrel's reeked of fish. I'm going to miss it. And he climbs out of his barrel and over the side.

I need some help. I got you, Elister. Oh, hey, let me help you out, Alistair. Thanks, guys. This is the Engineers Guild. Mm-hmm. You find yourself. in a warehouse type

area. There are many other crates and barrels here in and amongst this loading dock type situation. Additionally, there are some stairs that lead up. Doesn't seem to be anyone around right now.

All right. Well, based on this place, how far is it to Dorian's house? Dorin. Well, it's not far. It's a lot closer. and there should be some back alleyways we can take. Let me take a look. Red walks over to the door and sort of cracks it and tries to get an eye on a way.

Which direction is it? North, southeast, weist. Diane Weist? Yeah, from here it's weist. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. And I take a look. As you open the door, you were greeted with just kind of a wave of noise. Outside of the Engineers Guild, there's like a market celebration happening. Ah, fuck.

Red shuts the door. Yeah, we ain't getting out that way. Oh, no. Maybe they got suez or something. Red, do you still have your tattoo use for today? Red looks at his shoulder. Yeah, I think so. Still working?

Like, is there a play where Mari wild shapes into a subterranean donkey? And red looks like that gnome. We just keep on driving the cart right up to Doreen's house. Hey, we could, but that market was pretty damn packed. I don't think we'd be able to get through it. Take a look for yourself. We're talking about like a city street party. I'm just pitching ideas.

If you don't think that's going to work, I trust your judgment what's outside. I don't need to see for myself. Oh, no, no. Listen, I'm all for it. As you're standing around having this conversation, Mari, you spot a familiar gray cat. she sort of digs around in the bag finds some jerky that she'd taken off of red

inherited she can't remember if it was because she wanted her because it just was everywhere and it smells so much I give jerky to everyone it's my one giving gift a jerky in every handshake like you're bribing somebody one point you saw a little money in there hey uh jack why don't you let me sleep in a little bit tomorrow just jerky in your palm you're like red I let you do it every day but okay thanks buddy

And Red's convinced this because of the jerky that he always gets to sleep in. Anytime, wink. And then Jack just puts the jerky back in the bed. It's the same piece of jerky. It's the same piece of jerky since it's that rabbit jerky from like episode one. For three months, I've been giving the same piece of jerky back and forth to Jack, thinking that it helps.

This never runs out. It's the endless jerky. Darlane, one day I got to tell you about my magic jersey recipe. It gets Jack to do anything I want to. He loves the same. stuff. Can't get enough chewing on this dried meat. A jerky bag. I love the idea of like just a seat in the background.

Red staying next to Jack. We're not paying attention to the conversation and, you know, Red nudges him. Like that chick. Yeah, I gave you yesterday. That's great. It's the best, the best one yet. Yeah. Oh, oh, Marie's saying something to the cat. Oh, sorry. And she breaks a little piece off and holds it and goes like, psal, try to

bring the cat over. Yeah, the cat comes over. She's like cautious at first, but then, ooh, that rabid jerky. That's not the same cat, though, is it? It might be. That I gave jerky to? It took a much more straightforward risk. Yeah, I think that's sort of what Joe's kind of hinting at here.

I fed it, so I'll look at Mari feeding it, and I'll eye it and be like, wait a minute. Can I roll perception on the cat that Mari is at? You absolutely can roll perception. It's a 19. Oh, prur. This is a different cat, not evidently having recently been pregnant. Oh, never mind. That's not the same cat.

But it's still a cat Still looks familiar to you It looks the same It does look the same In fact, red Similarly to the previous cat This cat is also strangely sooty Will let me pet it

If she tries to If Mari is trying to pet it Will it? It don't tolerate you And as she's doing that Her hand glows just a bit And I'm going to cast Speak with Animals

Finally What's the point of being a druid If you don't do hippie shit? There you go Agreed. Now, do you speak cat or does the cat speak common? I've never understood how it works. I think you speak cat because other people can't then talk to the cat.

That's my curious. That's why I was wondering. I don't know. Speak with animals. It doesn't, you know, could be either. Yeah, because I can understand it you can't. Cool. So that means that Mari say they're going,

ro-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-ch. It just looks deranged. And so she's petting the cat. She just goes, hi there. The cat looks up at you quizzically. and then takes the scrap of jerky from your hand. Do you have more jerky? I do.

I have plenty more jerky. I think we've got plenty. Red, you've got more jerky, right? Someone would say infinite. Red reaches in the bag, grabs the one piece of jerky and throws it over to you. Don't worry about it, darn, and red wings at Jack. I'll have plenty more tonight when I reach in.

Jack just does that like fake oh you know brushes the sweat off his forehead thank God and uh she she gives another little piece to the cat the cat does that thing where it reaches up to take the jerky from your hand with its paw kind of to make sure that you're not going to withdraw your hand but the claws are out so you get a little you get a little claw and Mari doesn't pull back she just kind of just kind of tolerates it she's she's uh Had sisters, you know. She had sisters, and boy, has she been clawed at before. She looks, she goes, do you know what's up those stairs?

The cat looks over to the stairs and then says, Yes. What's up there? Hot tunnel. Hot tunnel? Is that why you're so so shitty? So dirty? Home.

So you live in the hot tunnel. and she sort of waves the guys over and goes, it says the cat, do you have a name? Your human lips could not pronounce my name. Meow Reese. No cat anywhere ever gave anyone a straight answer. Puss and soot. I may have a name, but it's definitely not that.

You may call me shui. Shui. I would name a cat that Shwee Shwee Shwee here

our little friend who I think Not friends Let's not be too Yeah It says that Up those stairs Is a hot tunnel

Where it lives A hot tunnel Okay Which is also why And she sort of runs her handle On the back of the cat And pulls it back up And it's just

I assume covered in dirt and soot Wait a minute. Just absolutely, irredeemably dirty. I don't know why I've never considered this. Of course. We could travel through the furnace pipes. Furness pipes?

Furnace pipes. Yeah, fluducts. You saw earlier all the shit canals that lead down to the shit furnace that heats the city. It's like a reverse sewer for dwarven cities rather than tunnels underground. They got tunnels above the city. There's always a sewer. In fact, Doran, there's a sewer. there's a stalactite that descends from the ceiling of the cavern

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