Digital Social Hour - He Is a Professional Sex Coach | Chetan Digital Social Hour #87

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

Chetan dives deep into his work, sex surrogate therapy and explains why he doesn’t care how many sexual partners his wife has. --- Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/digitalsocialhour/support Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What's up? Jason Tatum here. Ball up wherever you are with NBA 2K Mobile. Playing game events to collect NBA legends and rising stars to assemble your dream team and settle things on the court. NBA 2K Mobile lets you put together your dream team with your favorite NBA legends and current GOATs. Download NBA 2K Mobile now on the App Store and Google Play.

If you are afraid of your partner leaving because something else is out there, if you're scared that some other guy's going to take your girl, for example. Instead, you should just be the best version of yourself. So ain't nobody going to compete with you. The idea of body count purity is like incredibly like naive. Welcome to the Digital Social Hour. I'm your host, Sean Kelly. I'm here with my co-host, Wayne Lewis. What up, what up? And our guest today, Chaython. Hey. How's it going? Chaython, my guy. How you doing? Good. What's your job title? What do you describe yourself as? I describe myself as a lover and friend. That's what my business card says.

But I am technically a surrogate partner therapist. And what exactly is that? So a surrogate partner therapist works within the triadic model, which was basically Masters and Johnson pioneered therapy as we know it. And they created the triadic model. And the triadic model basically is a surrogate partner who works from the neck down using their hands to create experiential opportunities for people to grow past blockages with sexual dysfunctions or intimacy blockages. And they work in conjunction with with the therapist who works on, you know, the mental part of it. And in that process, you give people, you know,

hands on opportunities to move past those those issues because you could you could talk about it all you want. But until you're in the sheets like. You might not be able to change anything right about your actual experience but uh and at the same time in doing that you end up generating a lot of useful information for for the therapy so it works sort of in conjunction so that it's called triadic because you got the client too there's an active participant in the whole process And what type of clientele typically come to you? Is it girls? Is it guys? What type of people?

For me, because I'm tragically straight, I work with AFAB and trans women. But I work with women. Most surrogates are female or AFAB people. What does AFAB mean? Assigned Female at Birth. So most surrogates, like 80%, are. And there's not a lot of us to begin with.

There's like 100 of us maybe in the country. Yeah, that's low. Wow. Yeah, there's probably 20 guys like me out there. Yeah, so you guys get a lot of clients. Well, it's interesting. So surrogate partner therapy, its heyday was in the 80s. And then HIV came around and everybody shut down.

And with massage therapy being more recognized because like you know how a massage parlor used to be like a rub like you heard massage parlor and you thought oh you know and so instead you know as massage therapy became more recognized

surrogate partner therapy actually was able to make a big resurgence after a movie called The Surrogate came out in 2012. And now is the prime moment for us because... So is that what that movie was about? I didn't watch it. The Surrogate? Yeah, The Surrogate. About the guy with the iron lung.

Yeah. And he went to this person who taught him how to have sex, and then he had to. Yo, I didn't know what that movie was about. That's exactly what it was about. Yeah, that's crazy. So that actually really helped bring it about into the social conscious again. And now we're at, like, just the perfect moment. Right.

Because sex work is more accepted than ever and is like a big relevant conversation mental health is a big conversation sexual assault sexual trauma big conversation and all those where do those circles intersect that intersects on a hundred of us that are you know growing in numbers wow but we're you know out here just trying to help people love their bodies more and live happier you know existences i'm so sorry and how is surrogate partner therapy different from just prostitution because the clients are paying you, right? Yeah. So first off, a surrogate partner works in conjunction with a therapist. So you don't like just like hire a surrogate partner and like hop in the sheets with them. Like you work with your therapist and if they think that you are a good candidate to work with a surrogate partner, you get referred to a surrogate partner.

That surrogate partner, first off, we don't want you to be a repeat client for many, many, many unlimited amount of sessions. We want to solve your problems. So we're not. What if this is just so good, though? What? What if it's just so good? What if it's so good though what what if it's just so good what if it's so good i mean we're we're helping people have the skills so that it's so good wherever they go got you

not just with you not just with me got you and so like my our our goal that's different than uh you're a normal worker is that we want you to graduate from us. We want you to be able to move on to a healthy, different place. And the majority of our work does not actually involve sex. It can involve intercourse. But so much of what we do starts with just literally touching each other, like helping somebody understand how to feel truly feel their body to live like a sensual life where they they're really in their body they feel

all of the touch that you're giving them and they're able to provide touch with presence and so you know we're teaching people oftentimes the skills that they need to have a happy life. Right. So that they can go. And if they want to from there, go hire sex workers, you know, go for it. So there's a science to accepting touch. Yeah, absolutely. There's science.

There's exercises. They usually fall under the umbrella of what we call sensate focus. But I like to say people should try to live a sensual life. And what that means to me is when you eat something, you should taste it. You should really taste it. When you touch something, really feel it. Be in your body. Get all of the pleasure you can out of that

and by doing that since not all problems are psychological for sure and a lot of psychological problems become physical problems for example with a lot of uh a lot of women will have or AFAB people will have a lot of their trauma show up as really really tight PC muscles like to the point sometimes where they can't fully avoid their bladder or they can't have

PC muscles like a vagina? yeah they're the muscles that go across your vagina and across your ass, like that whole layer of muscle. So tight. Can be like with a lot of trauma will oftentimes be so tight that you can't have intercourse. Wow. And.

Or it's painful. Or it's extremely painful. Wow. And then guess what? Once you get that in your head head as soon as you start thinking it you're not you're not about to have a good time this is so important so this is this is important so the reality is getting people out of their head and into their body is lets you get past a lot of these psychological things right like i don, I don't, every guy's lost a b****.

Every guy has. I don't care. Don't, like, whatever you guys say. No, no, I'm with you. I agree. I've lost a lot of them. I lost it in the mist before. It just stopped working.

And when you lose a b****, what's the worst thing that can happen? What's the worst thing that can happen? Like, the next time you have s***, what's the worst thing lose it again i think if you if you think about losing it that second time it's gonna lose again you're done yeah your goose is cooked yeah yeah yeah for sure so me if i lose it i'm not coming back probably because there's a reason why i lost it yeah well yeah and that's that's you know like that's great and and you don't like the the reality of it is if you don't build it in your head as like, oh, what if it happens again? What if I lose my butt? Especially when you're younger and that's even more embarrassing.

You take that as a masculinity thing. Not for me. I blame it on them. Getting that out of your head though is important right because if you get if you get that in your head once and then you lose it again and you lose it again right you lose it again it's gonna you're going down a slippery slow right so what we do a lot of times before ever talking about real contact is helping people get in their body because we're getting them out of their head gotcha because a lot of a lot of problems are mental you're saying yeah a lot of them are like if you have, if you have a lot of fear, a lot of shame.

I mean, shame is just like, you can't have a vagina and not walk around with body issues in this country. Or any part of the world, really. Like, you can't. You just, you can't have a, I should say vagina, but you can't't have a and walk around without body issues, right? And when, you know, what's really hard is having an orgasm or good sex when you think you have to suck your stomach in the whole time. Right? Yeah, I worry about that. Because you're not comfortable.

You're not comfortable. So you've got to get people out of their head right and into their body before you even get there so a prostitute a typical worker is you know trying to get you off and if like i was on the way here i was talking to a colleague and they were talking about a frustration about somebody who is claiming to be doing surrogate work and was having intercourse with somebody after the like in the first or second session when you know they take and rightfully when my colleague rightfully takes their time and is like we're going to do this exercise and guess what even if you think that you got it we're going to do it again just like any other meditation it's mindfulness

it's like truly being present in your body it's like yeah so what do you think of this recent social media trend of people shaming girls with high body counts i mean i think it's stupid well like you don't think it matters no why would it matter like if you want to wife up a girl you don't think it matters i don't think it matters at all i couldn't care less really so she could have a thousand i have no idea how many people my wife has slept with she has no idea how many people i've slept with and i don't even care i don't even know how many people i've slept with wow so you have a wife it's not it's not like yeah it's not even like no i'm just it's like first off the idea of purity is like incredibly like naive right yeah and the other thing, if you are afraid of

your partner leaving because something else is out there, then you get two options. There's guys who are like, oh, I don't want you going out to the club. I don't want you wearing that.

That's one way of keeping that person and subjugating them so that they end up staying with you and it's subjugation i don't want them to worry it's subjugation but if you're scared that some other guy's gonna take your girl for example instead you should just be the best version of yourself so ain't nobody gonna compete with you so the idea of body count first off is like a hysterically like naive concept in my mind in my mind now like look you like we all come from a time and a place right right right like like if i said the same thing to somebody who was born 30 years before me or someone who's born 30 years before them, they're going to have a much different version of the world.

Right. And so we so I certainly never like want to tell somebody that the way that they feel is completely invalid. But the reality of it is like. What's the relevance? Like, it's not like v****** get looser because you have a lot of s***. That's a myth. That's, like, not even a concept. That's a myth?

Yeah. I thought that was true. No, not in the least. Really? Yeah. Not in the least. Where'd you get that information from? Social media.

I mean, that's, like, the idea of, like the idea of like a loose is like the most that is like yeah it's yeah it's not real so what causes some to be looser than others done people have different levels of muscle tone muscle tone but it's size of your piece it's it's people have different levels of muscle tone people have different levels of muscle tone. People have different levels of arousal. Every body is different. And every sexuality is different. And that's why people like to sleep with a bunch of people. Because everybody's unique.

And variety is one of the only true aphrodisiacs. So how good good at are you if i told you every person listening this would blush let me put it like that okay okay and how did you get to that level yeah how'd you get to that level I really like s**ts. I don't know what to tell you. So you're a nympho. No, it's that I really appreciate high-quality intimacy. And I take my time.

So actually, the real answer to this question, and this is also where it connects with surrogacy, because I don't want to make this really important work that people have my mentor has put her life into i don't want to make a joke out of it it is that when i'm with a lover when i'm with a client i'm fully present i'm full with every touch i'm fully there and i will take the time to appreciate every single bit and every curve and every crevice and every wrinkle and every every bit of that person and i can almost guarantee you that they have not done that for themselves wow and when you do that it's not about

different techniques it's not about like uh like oh this is the right technique and that's the right technique it's not about that what makes really really good is the presence that you carry in your touch wow so just being really central basically yeah it's in it's in it's in the touch so it's in the filling yeah it's it's it's in what makes for really good energy is exactly it's it's when you when you it's not that you're like looking at it you're looking at something and you're just like uh like kind of like looking at it and passing by it like you're like really taking your time and you're observing it you're seeing oh look how this like nicely moves like this you know you're appreciating every bit of

that person with your eyes with your hands you know hands, you're truly there. And that's one part of it. And what makes somebody a good lover in my book, the other part is to take the whole idea of there being a destination or being a single-faceted thing off the table. And what do you mean by that? When I was walking in here and somebody said oh you know you help people work that's a single thing take or off the table you could have amazing sex without an orgasm take or off the table take you, some sort of idea of what it looks like off the table, right? Like, if you've only ever watched, like, porn and there's just a whole bunch of jackrabbit, you know, like, pounding, like, you got to take all that off the table.

Because good sex is like a dance, right? You've got your fast and your slow. You've got your hot and your cold. You've got your firm hot and you're cold you've got you're firm and you're soft right and it's in the juxtaposition of each of those things that you like create you know something novel and so like good you take away if you take away that destination concept and you just let it be a journey then it can you know you you're allowed to play then because if you have a single goal then you're just running at the goal right you're just pound pound pound pound right but when you take that off and sex is how adults play sex is that is how

adults play and everything in life is easier when you're having fun doing it. Everything. One of my life's great mentors, watching him go through the process of dying, he had so much fun going through dying of cancer. I swear to God, he made it look so graceful. And it's because he had fun. He was like, oh, my God, I'm meeting so many cool people. This really sucks. Everything hurts.

I can't hold down food. But I am meeting so many cool people. I'm having fun Everything hurts. I can't hold down food. But I am meeting so many cool people. I'm having fun. So everything in life is easier when you're having fun. And sex is how adults play. So if you have a destination, you're no longer playing. Playing doesn't have a destination. Playing is for the sake of it.

So good sex is multifaceted. It can have joy. It can have laughter. It can have joy. It can have laughter. It could have sadness. It can have tears, you know, and they could all be part of like a really good experience. Speaking of experience, some men are afraid of toys. Yeah.

Do you think they should be afraid of them? No. I mean, if you want to live like you're rolling, if you're building the pyramids and you want to live that way, great. But I'm going to use power tools. Okay? So you can cut down that tree with an axe or whatever it is, but I'm going to use a chainsaw if i got it yeah so you know so there's no reason to be threatened by anything use things as they should be your friend they should be you know a a tool to create different kinds of stimulation right to create different kinds of feeling to like be able to

activate different parts of the body in in new and unique and novel ways have you ever had a client just fall in love with you because you were just so good to them yeah so so so transference is a real thing like there can be emotions that attach but they naturally dissipate you know as you like become distant yeah and we limit our number of sessions we we're thoughtful about that thing because what we don't want to do is create harm you know by like by like emotionally getting them wrong yeah getting people emotional damage but there will be already damaged so you don't want to but you know well they're not damaged they're just working through something yeah yeah and there are plenty of people who have incredibly healthy relationships with their sexuality on like,

you know, who then like have something happen or they like, I mean the most, one of the most common things you'll see is like somebody who like leaves their, their marriage somewhere in their like late forties, their kids are like finally like old enough to like start to understand and they feel like they've raised their kids enough with that partner and they're like wait i've been monogamous for

20 years and we haven't been having quality intimacy in that long for one or another reason and they're out there now saying okay now like what do i do they're not broken they're just exploring who they are and who they are changes right like your sexuality changes at every point in time just like you do so they're not broken i don't i never want to say that but people are working through different things. But you don't want to create harm. So we limit our sessions at a certain point. And every client has, I think, a different, based on case-by-case basis,

amount that you would assign to that. Because, for example, somebody's like had a pretty healthy sexuality and now has something they're working through after years of having a very very active and healthy sex life they're probably going to be a lot more equipped to like be able to work through things for a longer term than maybe somebody who's in their late 30s and losing their virginity and is having to learn and socialize some of these like basic skills these like real basic skills so do you feel like it's important to lose your virginity or at an early age if it was up to you like would that be i mean i think you needed to find early for i would say 16 17 18 teenagers i think it's i think it's important for you to explore what is of interest

to you when it's of interest to you because if you don't then what oftentimes will happen is you'll end up experiencing a compounding amount of anxiety around it. Right. Like that can happen. You can, you know, hey, you know, I like, like I'm the only one of my friends who's still a virgin and I want to have s**t. But like I'm scared to now because of one or another reason or like oh now i'm like now i'm 25 now i'm 30 like every time i tell somebody this they run away you know or they're they're afraid of like the emotional repercussions so i think that when you want to explore something, that's the right age.

I mean, within, you know, obviously there's certain reason to that. Yeah, yeah. I think that that's the thing. You shouldn't feel shame to be who you are. That makes sense. You shouldn't be shamed to explore and grow in the directions that at any point in time

you want to explore and grow. You should just do it. We got to wrap this up, but where can people learn more about this and more about you? So they can go on my Instagram, which is called

Safely Feeling Sexy. Again, Safely Feeling Sexy. I also have a website that's under Safely Feeling Sexy. Again, Safely Feeling Sexy. I also have a website that's under Safely Feeling Sexy, as well as my email is SafelyFeelingSexy at Gmail. One of my colleagues, Rachel, I've sent you the links, but her email is TheAscendedmuse at Gmail. Again, theascendedmuse. I'll put it in the description.

And my mentor, Dr. K, Dr. Susan K. Her email is drsusank at Gmail. You can Google her. She's an original Masters and Johnson researcher. So, I mean, she's OG. Like, she knows. She can look at you and be like, you can do this. Or you can't do this.

Like, she's into it. You hear her do an intake with people, and it's like, how did you figure that out? Like, she'll ask you a question, and then she'll ask the person a question. You'll be like, how did you know that? And it'll be, like, something really specific really specific you know she might be a seer i mean she could be she's been she has been she's been giving she's given her life to this and like the amount of shame that people carry around like it's can you tell off back if somebody has shame or anything can i tell can you tell like just by i can oftentimes look at somebody and be like i mean first off if you have a country

or anywhere in the world you've probably been walked around with a fair amount of shame but like you can certainly tell when people are more or less comfortable with who they are men and women yeah i mean same way like there's a reason why like you'll see people in a dance floor and you'll be like that person's fun i can't hang out right why because you can tell they're having fun they're able they're in their own yeah shayden it's been a pleasure weighing any closing comments make sure you guys follow me on instagram at The Creator. Thanks for watching. Thanks for tuning in, guys. Digital Social Hour.

See you next time. Peace. On November 13th, it's the dawning of a new era. When the NFL debuts in Germany, live on NFL Network. Brady and the Bucs. Touchdown Tampa Bay. DK and the Seahawks.

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