Digital Social Hour - Turn Your Inner Critic Into Your Greatest Coach | Lisa Bilyeu DSH #740
Episode Date: September 20, 2024🌟 Turn Your Inner Critic Into Your Greatest Coach! 🌟 Dive into this electrifying episode of Digital Social Hour with Sean Kelly, featuring the inspiring Lisa Bilyeu! 🚀 Discover how to transfo...rm that pesky negative voice into your ultimate motivator and break free from self-doubt. Packed with valuable insights, Lisa shares her journey from being a stay-at-home wife to co-founding a billion-dollar company and becoming a force of nature in personal development. 💪 Join the conversation as Lisa reveals her radical confidence techniques, the power of setting boundaries, and strategies to tackle impostor syndrome. 🙌 Don't miss out on the behind-the-scenes secrets of her success, and how you can apply these lessons to your own life. Tune in now and watch the magic unfold! 🎥 Watch now and subscribe for more insider secrets. 📺 Hit that subscribe button and stay tuned for more eye-opening stories on the Digital Social Hour with Sean Kelly! 🚀 CHAPTERS: 00:00 - Intro 00:35 - Toxic Gratitude: Understanding Negative Mindsets 01:40 - Today’s Sponsor: Support and Promotions 04:58 - How to Get Started: Tips for Beginners 07:47 - Behind the Scenes of Tom Bilyeu’s Success: Insights and Strategies 09:25 - How Lisa Found Her Confidence: Personal Growth Journey 14:51 - Biggest Issue Women Face Today: Challenges and Solutions 19:10 - Lisa’s New Comic Book: Creative Projects and Inspiration 20:15 - The Highest Divorce Rate Age Group: Relationship Trends 23:55 - How to Evolve Together in a Relationship: Growth and Connection 29:59 - Keeping Business and Personal Separate: Work-Life Balance 32:50 - How to Keep Evolving in Your Relationship: Continuous Improvement 36:57 - What Does Your Partner Need: Understanding Needs and Desires 38:54 - How to Argue: Healthy Conflict Resolution 41:10 - How to Apologize: Effective Communication 43:16 - Your Partner’s Friends: Navigating Social Circles 47:33 - Where to Find Lisa: Social Media and Contact Information 48:00 - End APPLY TO BE ON THE PODCAST: https://www.digitalsocialhour.com/application BUSINESS INQUIRIES/SPONSORS: Jenna@DigitalSocialHour.com GUEST: Lisa Bilyeu https://www.instagram.com/lisabilyeu https://linktr.ee/lisabilyeu SPONSORS: LinkedIn: https://linkedin.com/social Deposyt Payment Processing: https://www.deposyt.com/seankelly LISTEN ON: Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/digital-social-hour/id1676846015 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/5Jn7LXarRlI8Hc0GtTn759 Sean Kelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/seanmikekelly/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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and I said my dad gave birth to my grandmother which of course I meant my grandmother gave birth
to my father in that moment I was like just laugh Lisa so I was like well that would be weird
right you laugh I laugh I moved on and that was the first moment I was like oh my god my negative
voice can help me and now what I can actually say is the critic in my head has become my coach
all right guys we got Lisa Bilyeu here today we made it happen thanks for coming on what actually say is the critic in my head has become my coach.
All right, guys, we got Lisa Bilyeu here today. We made it happen. Thanks for coming on.
What up, dude? We did make this happen. So excited.
Absolutely. Been trying to get you on and it worked out with the new book launch.
We did it.
We did it.
Yeah, buddy.
I want to talk about the book. So chapter six, make your negative voice your bitch.
Let's start there.
All right. So my negative voice was holding me back from everything so I ended up staying being a stay-at-home wife for eight years and it wasn't
my dream but every time I went to make a change or speak up to say that I wasn't happy the negative
voice originally actually was um consoling me so it's like after the first year it's like it's okay
you've got a husband that loves you you know the gratitude of it you've got a roof over your head you're so grateful but over time when I was not talking or speaking up year after year by like
year six year seven that voice became extremely negative and it used gratitude as toxic gratitude
so every time I was saying I'm not happy maybe I tell my husband I'm not happy maybe I'll speak up
that voice in my head was like how ungr was like, how ungrateful are you?
How ungrateful are you that you want more
when you have a husband that loves you?
So the gratitude piece that really helped me
now became the real toxic thing.
And I think that that's the thing
that holds so many of us back
is we have a belief system.
We tell ourselves a story.
So anytime we try something new,
we want to speak up.
We want to set a boundary.
That voice in our head is um is screaming at you and
telling you something negative now what i realized was i'm such a person that loves to set goals and
then move towards them so what happened does this serve me my goal or does it not serve my goal once
i looked at my negative mindset and i said this doesn't serve me it holds me back from doing
anything i ever want to do how the hell do I change that narrative
so it's like okay what if I saw my negative voice as my ego or my best friend because really the
ego if you kind of just the studies that I've done ego is really there to protect you it's there to
prevent you from falling on your face embarrassing yourself feeling the shame feeling the guilt so
it protects you by telling you you shouldn't do do that. You're not good enough. But then I pivoted to be like, okay, if it was my best friend, Sean, how would I receive her? Now, my best friend, I don't want her to BS me. I don't want her to tell me lies. I want her to be honest with me. So if I'm about to do something, my best friend's like, look, Lisa, maybe you're not prepared for it. She really wants what's good for me so i pay attention to my friend i was like
okay maybe she's right so if i treated my negative voice as my best friend i would listen to her now
i wouldn't let her hold me back though i would just take her word for truth so as a perfect example is
i um i wanted a public speak and i was getting a lot of offers my mission and my goal is to help
women but i never would go on stage i was petrrified. So in that moment, I said, okay, you're not going on stage because of your ego.
Give yourself the grace, but what's more important, your ego or your mission?
My mission is to help women. My ego is telling me don't get on stage and help women.
Which one's more important? I decided my mission was more important than my ego. Okay. So now I
know I want to get on stage. How the hell do I use my ego to help me? She's telling me I'm really bad.
She's telling me what if I fall in my face? She's telling me what if I mess up? Amazing. What if I
listen to her? All right, bestie. What if I mess up? What am I going to do about it? So she actually
helped me prepare for all the things that may happen.
And so I made a list of all the things that she was saying to me, my negative voice,
all the bad things. And then next to it, I was saying, what if this is true? What am I going to
do? So one of the things was, what if you mess up on stage? You're going to freeze and there's
nothing worse than freezing on stage. Have you ever been in an audience where the speaker freezes?
Yeah, I have actually.
How badly do you feel for them?
Crickets.
I feel bad.
You feel so bad.
So I was like, I don't want to be that person.
Everyone feels bad.
Okay, so I know the problem.
What am I going to do about it?
I know that people will mirror what you do.
So if I laugh at my own ridiculousness of making the mistake,
maybe everyone else will laugh too.
So I was like, that's my strategy. I literally was like thank you ego you've helped me come up with a strategy
to now face my fear and what ended up happening Sean I bloody go on stage and the first almost
the first words out of my mouth were a mistake and I said my dad gave birth to my grandmother
which of course I meant my grandmother gave birth to my father in that moment I was like just laugh
Lisa so I was like well that would be weird right you laugh I laugh I moved on no one thought twice
about it I didn't stumble I didn't freeze and that was the first moment that I was like oh my god
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iGaming Ontario. And now what I can actually say is the critic in my head has become my coach.
I love that because a lot of people overthink, right? And they don't take action. They never get up on that stage. They don't know how it's going to go.
Exactly. And I never wanted to take that for chance. I wanted to be at least prepared
so that I can keep getting better because I knew that I wasn't going to be amazing. It's like,
it's not like I knew that I was going to go on stage and this is going to be your,
you know, your championship moment. It's like, no, just like anything, just like a muscle,
you have to practice and just i would
always give myself the grace to go into the gym and pick up a weight for the first time and no
no not know what i'm doing and i give myself the grace i'm on five pounds i have no idea
how to work this machine if i'm consistent in a month i know how to work the machine
in two months in three months i now am able to go from five pounds to 10 pounds to 20 pounds
if i have that analogy for a skill set that i'm trying to adopt, I think that we can be invincible.
But we're just not willing to put in the time or effort because we want to be amazing first.
We want to have the confidence first.
And that's why I called my book Radical Confidence because I realized people want the confidence before they get started.
And that's what's holding people back.
The confidence is the byproduct of getting started
agreed so you have to get started first no i 100% agree because i lacked confidence a majority of
my life but once i got some results the confidence sort of came with it exactly yeah i was a huge
introvert growing up hated public speaking hated talking to people but that comes from reps talking
to people going to events going to conferences podcasts and here you are with your own podcast
yeah here i am that's awesome yeah that's crazy and you you yourself were behind
the scenes for a while too right yeah companies yeah i was definitely the facilitator so my husband
tom has crazy ideas he's a massive visionary and i was just uh very good at logistics naturally and
so um he was chasing money and i was chasing money to try and make
enough money so that we can make our own movies and so that was originally how i became a stay-at-home
wife because i was like babe you go out into the business world i'll take care of every other
decision outside of business it was basically what steve's job did he said he removed every
decision that didn't matter so he never worried or thought about what
he wore he always wore the black top and the jeans why because if you let's say i don't know how many
decisions you can make with clarity in a day but let's say it's 10 you've just made one decision
on what you wear is that going to help move your business forward no so once we research what
successful people were doing we then adopted that technique so i said all right babe you go to work
you're hardcore in the business and i'm going to stay at home and take care of everything else.
You don't have to think about anything to the point where he woke up, his gym clothes were
right next to him. He would put them on, he'd go to the gym, he'd come back, his work clothes were
waiting for him, he'd walk out the door, I'd give him his lunch. So he never had to think about
those steps. So that's how I became the
stay at home wife though. And it was just going to be for a year. And Sean, the problem is,
is that a lot of us will do something for the greater good. We'll sacrifice and we'll tell
ourselves it's not actually for that long. But what ends up happening is you get stuck.
And now you don't have the confidence to speak up. You don't actually know what you want anymore.
And you get into this cycle and this habit. So that's what ended up happening to me I got into the cycles I got into those habits and that's how
I started off as being I'm supporting for this greater good and then I ended up getting stuck
for eight years wow eight years yeah eight years as a stay-at-home wife doing that yeah and I was
miserable and it wasn't until Tom was so miserable that I said, I don't care about money. I don't care about filmmaking.
I don't care about money.
I care about my relationship with my husband.
And we need to seek happiness.
And we're not.
So in that moment, that was the catalyst to Quest Nutrition.
So that became the idea that he could do every day and be happy.
And in that path, I said, oh, I'm a good Greek wife.
I'll help you.
And so I just started helping him, thinking that I was just helping him.
I didn't really realize I was then going to go into business myself and I would love it.
But that became then the catalyst for me to go, I can actually be good at something if I'm willing to put in the hard work, time and effort and get back up every time I fall.
And so that became the first steps into starting questions.
Sorry, I actually forgot your question now.
I forgot it.
I think it was just you were behind the scenes.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
So that was how I started behind the scenes.
And I found my validation in being a great support system.
And anytime Tom had an idea, I would be behind him and I would figure out how to do it.
And I was actually just talking about the book Rocket Fuel.
Have you read it?
I've seen it.
I haven't read it yet.
Okay.
For any couple that's out there that works together, you have to read that book.
Wow.
The reason is it doesn't actually talk about couples.
It just talks about the rocket and the fuel.
And it's really kind of about like the alpha and the beta, the leader and the follower.
And a lot of people perceive the follower or the beta as being weak, as being worse.
But the truth is what I love about this book is it breaks it down as the rocket is the thing that everyone stares at, right?
When a rocket goes into space, you just stare at the rocket.
It's admired.
Everyone loves the rocket.
It looks freaking powerful.
No one talks about the fuel. No one thinks about the fuel. No one really cares about the fuel. But let's face it is a teamwork and it is a team effort.
And that was where I was very happy behind the scenes for a long time until people kept saying, like, we need to hear your story.
I can't believe, you know, as a woman who's supporting a husband, but you feel like an
equal and you're really strong and you're really confident, but you're married to a
guy who's so masculine and alpha.
And how do you guys do it?
You know, and so I started getting so many questions that I'd never even considered because it was my day-to-day life and once I realized how many
couples struggle with their dynamics or their positioning or you know building businesses
together I started to realize that um mine and Tom's relationship and the things that we had been
through um could bring value and because I'm so mission oriented, my mission really is to help people.
That was when I faced like the fact,
it's like, maybe I'll step in front of the camera.
But Sean, I was petrified.
Just like what you were saying, you had anxiety.
Why on earth would I step in front of the camera?
I was like, I get, I was bullied in school.
I don't like my looks.
I get teased.
Why would I choose to be mocked in public was my thinking right and again going
back to i just keep asking myself what's more important lisa your mission or your ego and every
time i just keep coming with my mission all right well you're gonna have to get over this fear that
you have so that was why then i got over the fear of getting in front of the camera and one of my
favorite movies you may be too young but you may have already seen it, Karate Kid.
I've seen the newer one. Okay.
Is there two of them?
Yes, there was original.
And so the whole theme is like you wax on and you wax off.
And that is an analogy for practice.
And so if I can see getting in front of the camera day one, day two, day three is just practice.
Now I release the pressure because I was comparing myself to Tom.
He's incredible.
He's so good.
And it didn't serve me in comparing myself to him. I had to rethink about it and use him as a way to
be inspired to see what he would do. And I actually had a pattern of, okay, Tom does this. Let me go
and try it. And then I'll see what my version of that is. So I would take, instead of looking at someone
amazing and letting that hold you back from the fear that you could never be that good,
I flipped it. I looked at what was amazing. I tried it. I then went internal and said,
does this feel good to you, Lisa? And it's like, well, no, I wouldn't really say this. I would do
this. And then I would just evolve and change the way that I did it to eventually find my true
authentic self.
But it was never overnight. It's been years and years and years of practice and I'm still growing
and learning. And I think I'm 44 years old. I plan to live till I'm over a hundred. And I don't say
that as a joke because I know I interviewed a woman that's 103 and she's completely cognitively
there. She doesn't have Alzheimer's. She still rides her bike.
It's insane.
So when you see it, I know it's possible.
So now I go, I know it's possible.
What am I going to do in order to get to live till I'm 100?
All right, well, I'm 44.
I've still got a lot of years in me.
So I get excited about the idea of growth and change.
And it's like, if I'm just starting in front of the camera, like let's say five years ago,
oh my God, Sean,
what am I going to be like
in 30 years?
Like it gets me excited
to think about that.
I love that mindset.
And you said your mission
was to help women.
What is the biggest issue
you're seeing with women right now?
Yeah.
So I think a mission statement
is super important
to create
anytime you're trying anything
because you need to know
what your North Star is.
And so i hear a
lot of people say i want to help people what does that mean like get refined because you can go and
donate your time to an old people's home that's helping people or you can do what you're doing
and you're doing a podcast to try and reach the masses be more specific on your mission so for me
i used to say i just want to help women it like, but what does that actually mean? I was like, okay, let me go back and figure out what a mission statement is. We do
it for a business. Why don't we do it for ourselves? So I started to refine what my mission statement
is. And I want everyone listening to really write this down. I think a mission statement needs to be
three things, the who, the what, and the why. The who, the what, the why. And it needs to be so
succinct that you can repeat it over and
over and over and over again that if you're in an elevator with let's say someone that can really
help you get there you can just pull it out of your you know like hat because you've got to know
what your north star is so for me the who the what's the why i want to create content that
impacts 14 year old women 14 year old girls so they feel good about themselves and not have to unwire the negative mindset I've had to.
Wow.
I can keep repeating that, Sean, over and over again.
So the who, the what, to the why.
The who is the 14-year-old girl.
The what, create content.
The why, so they never have to feel insecure like I have.
So now you can imagine anytime someone comes to me with any offer, any opportunity,
I go, does it for my mission? Go and volunteer at this place. Okay, content, it's not content,
sorry. Because for me, it's important to reach the masses. Everyone needs their own mission.
But that was how I was able to really be sustainable on what is my mission. So now I
think about what are the things that women suffer with
how do i un uh pull it apart and then direct it toward 14 year old girls so i've actually built
almost like phases in my own career and phase one is i'm 44 years old so for me to go straight to a
14 year old i'm very realistic they're not going to listen to me so number one is i need to
evangelize older women to then be able to pass on that wisdom to their daughters, their granddaughters.
So I've got my show Women of Impact.
And so that's phase one of my initiative of I'm evangelizing women my age, women's maybe in their 30s, to then be able to talk and echo.
To their daughters.
To their daughters, exactly.
Then I think in business, i'm like i need a sustainable
revenue model in order to speak to the 14 year old so my youtube channel and my podcast are
revenue generators that i then take that money and i have a whole team of artists and writers
and i've got a comic book that i'm developing for young girls and so tom also has his own like we
basically have a team and so he's developing his comic book for
boys and I'm developing my comic book for girls and so all of that you can see the trickle effect
of how I get to the 14 year old girl yeah and so when I think about what those problems I then
separate them out again into somewhat age groups so I go okay the 30 year old and above is probably suffering with this
boundaries being pushed around um not feeling like their voice can be heard imposter syndrome
and all of those types of people pleasing that holds us back all right and so i've got that list
so now every time i do content i'm like which one of these things am i going to touch on this week
that makes that keeps me emotionally sober on the path I'm going on.
Now,
this other part for the young girls is it's,
it's continuous.
It's a comic book that I'm developing over time.
So as let's say once a week,
twice,
twice a week,
I go and I sit with the team and I've got,
it's a superhero story about young girl that goes to a superhero school and she gets bullied and teased about her superhero abilities. And so it's kind of the echo of my life where I was mocked and teased for
my looks, for being emotional, for being sensitive. And now it's exactly what I use to grow my
business. So I've kind of echoed the realities of the real world and the adult world into the
children's world. And I'm looking to launch that comic book probably the end of this year. I love it. And teenage suicide rates for females are the
highest they've ever been. So this is very important. That's insane. I'm so impressed that
you know that and the highest rate for any woman suicide is between 45 and 55. That's during
menopause. Whoa, and I'm 44. So you better believe I'm paying attention to that. Dang. So they just can't control the emotional cost.
Yeah.
So what happens is your estrogen drops and plummets as you go into perimenopause
because you don't have a period anymore.
And so your body goes, well, you're not going to have kids.
So you may as well not have the estrogen.
And so your body reduces in estrogen,
which means that somewhat, I say this tongue in cheek,
but we somewhat become more like a man where it's like,'m going to think more about myself i'm not thinking about the family
anymore and a lot of women have spent their entire lives dedicated to family right you've
poured your heart and soul for 45 45 years potentially into your family to your kids to
always showing up for them your estrogen plummets and now you're like what about me
and apart from just that i'm just learning now about all the hormone changes that comes with it
and how that can really impact women and so the rate of divorce that's initiated by women skyrockets
between the ages of 45 and 55 and it goes up to 70% of women are initiating divorce.
Holy, that is so high.
Yeah.
So now you can imagine, Sean,
I've been married for 23 years.
Wow.
Oh, sorry, I've been married for 21 years,
been with Tom for 23.
He's known me to be one way.
I sacrifice, I love him,
I pour my heart and attention into him,
and now imagine my estrogen plummets.
He's not going to know who I am anymore.
And I'm very aware of that.
And so what we're doing is right now we're talking about the change in my hormones so that it never becomes a surprise so that he can help me navigate.
Because, again, just in all the interviews that I do, if you're not experiencing, you don't quite understand.
Right.
So I don't judgment for it.
I just give them the grace to go.
They don't get it.
They're not feeling it.
Their hormones haven't changed as much.
So of course they look at you
who may be someone who's caring,
nurturing for 20 years
and then turns around and says,
take care of your own stuff.
They're going to feel shocked.
They're going to be surprised.
So how do we discuss it
so that we
can do it together? So that's kind of the next step in my life is that I'm talking to my husband
and I'm bringing him along and he's reading menopause books. Yeah. And I'm telling him in
real time, I'm like, babe, my energy is really low right now. Now you can imagine what that's
doing to my self-esteem as well. I consider myself a freaking badass. Like I've worked very hard on my confidence.
And when we started Quest Nutrition in 2010, I had no idea who I was. In 2015, we were announced
as a billion dollar unicorn company. And I started to realize what I was made of. And that has been
my journey. Now you cut to 10, 15 years later, my estrogen plummets. One in five women in menopause quit their jobs.
Whoa.
Because they can't focus anymore.
They have brain fog and they can't function like they used to.
So now imagine, Sean, I'm working with building quest.
It's growing 57,000% is how quickly quest nutrition grow.
Yeah, that's pretty fast.
So it was growing so quickly
and i just sustained it i did burn myself out towards the end but i was like showing up i was
pulling 17 hour days and i was hustling and i didn't care about my health and then you flash
forward now you find me in a very different world if i work more than 12 hours i feel super burnt
out if i'm not sleeping properly i can't concentrate i'll be in
a job interview or i'll be interviewing someone and i'll forget my question that really dents
your confidence yeah this is really important for women watching this and even men to know this
because i had no idea yeah now imagine a your mom have the grace of however old your mom is if she's
still around if you have any sisters, know that.
Or if you are in a heterosexual relationship and you're going to marry a woman
and she gets to that age, knowing it now at least doesn't make you look at her
like she's quote-unquote crazy, which is a thing that we get labeled with.
And it allows you to understand it.
Excuse me.
It allows you to understand it. And me. It allows you to understand it.
And like with my husband, because he was like, you're acting strange.
Like, what do you mean?
And I was like, oh, I have to vocalize to him what's happening to me.
And so now when I turned to him, I was like, I need your help, babe.
I don't want to do this alone.
And menopause is real.
Every woman, if you live to that age, you're going to go through menopause.
There's no bypassing it.
So I'm going to go through it and I need your help.
And this could be a moment where we make our relationship stronger instead of weaker.
So that stat that I said, 70% of women, I don't want to be a statistic.
And so I've just declared I don't want to be a statistic.
And I've put a strategy in place that allows me and Tom to navigate that as I change and evolve. Brilliant. Yeah. Cause you got to evolve
together, right? I'm sure you two have changed a lot over the years and some couples aren't
willing to change at the pace of the other one. Yeah, that's so true. And I think that that was
why, like some people say, oh my God, you and Tom are very lucky. And I'm like, okay, let's take
that for reality. When I married Tom, I told him I wanted four children.
I then, we start Quest Nutrition, and I turn around and I tell him, I don't want any children.
A different guy who wanting kids was a non-negotiable for them, they probably would have divorced me.
And I get it.
Like, if you've got non-negotiables in your relationship, you should never negotiate them.
So you can understand where, because it wasn't one of
tom's non-negotiables we were able to navigate it and go from being the wife that said she didn't
want kids so wanted kids to then not having kids now let's flip it a different woman if their
husband is working 100 hours a week and for two years sean he was working 120 hours we actually
calculated it yes holy i? Yes. Holy crap.
Do the math.
He's not even sleeping.
Yeah.
So it's literally he's getting a couple of hours sleep a night.
He's waking up and going straight to work.
He's coming to bed as he's taking out his headset, listening to an interview or researching something.
That was close to two years.
I think it was more actually like 18 months.
Most women would have felt neglected and said this
isn't sustainable I need your attention I need you home at 7 p.m. I need you to have dinner and
they would have maybe have got divorced so I paint that picture on purpose because relationships only
exist as much as the other person's willing to work through it now Now, there's no judgment. If Tom really wanted children,
I wouldn't have asked him to negotiate.
I think as hard as it would have been,
I would have probably suggested
it's best for us to split.
But the last thing,
think about it,
the last thing I ever want
is for him to be resentful
that we didn't have children
or me to be resentful
because I felt like he was
going to leave me unless I did have kids. And there's this couple called the Gottmans. I don't
know if you've ever heard of them. Okay. The Gottmans are like, they're like in their seventies
or eighties and they've spent the last 50 years studying couples. So they've got an entire
institute with all of their studies. And so every time you hear like relationship experts, they're
usually quoting the Gottmans. I had them on my my show and one of the things that they say is they did this
whole study where they switched off the volume in a room and they brought couples in now they
would observe the couples and there would be someone in the room talking to them and the
person in the room would ask them questions and so they'd be like tell me about when you first met
tell me about your first date tell me about your wedding and they would ask them questions and so they'd be like tell me about when you first met tell me about your first date tell me about your wedding and they would ask them questions just by seeing
their body language remember the volume's off just by seeing the body language they could predict
with i believe it's 92 accuracy who is going to get divorced? What? Just by their body language.
Holy crap.
Why?
Because body language can, there are signs that contempt exists in a relationship.
And contempt is one of the four things, I believe they call them the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
One of the things that is almost guaranteed to cause a divorce.
Now, what does contempt look like?
It's rolling of the eyes.
It's the tiskin.
They're like leaning back and folding your arms when their partner's talking.
I'm guilty of that one.
I need to work on that.
And you need to think, though, why do you do it?
Because I think that's even further, right? You don't just want to change your body language.
You actually want to identify that your body language may be signaling something to you that you don't realize you're feeling
and so because i do all this research and tom knows it all as well one day we're talking
and he's like you just rolled your eyes at me you're building contempt and i was like what do
you mean and he's like babe you can never build contempt we need to talk about that eye roll and
i was like oh my, did I eye roll?
And so because he noticed it, I didn't mean to,
it forced me to go inside myself and go,
why did I eye roll?
And I was like, oh, it's because you say this one thing
that really bothers me.
And that created a conversation
so that now we don't have contempt for each other.
But that's all kind of like the research that I do
and how we keep showing up and
how we evolve and who Tom is today and who I am today isn't the person I'm going to be in three
years, isn't the person I'm going to be in 10 years. And so you better believe the biggest
thing that we need to be aligned on is our communication. And when people ask me what's
the number one thing that people need in a relationship, are you in a relationship?
Yeah. I'm engaged.
Oh, congratulations. Oh, that's amazing. The one thing that people need in a relationship are you in a relationship yeah okay how engaged oh congratulations oh that's amazing um the one thing that people need to
remember in a relationship hopefully is that you're always going to change and if you guys pride
growth in each other you're never going to try and hold each other back because one of the things
that breaks my heart and i see it time and time again that people say is you've changed like it's a
negative yeah yeah especially if you go from someone that's a fixed mindset and then like
you're trying to evolve you're trying to grow and then you go back home and you meet the people from
your high school and they're like wow you've changed like it's a bad thing you could not be
with somebody that says that to you you've got to be with someone's like oh my god you've changed
and it's a positive thing and because me and Tom value that in each other,
we're always communicating and figuring out what our life looks like.
We're touching base every quarter.
We're touching base every year.
Even when it comes to our business, we touch base.
And I ask myself these questions.
Do I still want to be married to Tom?
Still important to ask yourself.
Do I still want to be in business with Tom?
Still important to ask yourself.
Because like I said, going back to where we started, Still important to ask yourself. Do I still want to be in business with Tom? Still important to ask yourself.
Because like I said, going back to where we started, I spent eight years not asking myself what I actually wanted.
And going with the flow, going with how everyone else feels.
And I swore to myself, Sean, I would never, ever do that again.
That's deep.
Do you keep the business and personal separate?
Like when you're at home, do you talk about business at all? It's a little hard because Tom loves to talk about both
and he has no problem
meshing them together.
No problem.
I do.
Because I can talk harshly in business
and I can be a strong woman.
Give it to me.
Tell me the things that are wrong
and we'll debate.
But in my personal life,
I need him to talk kindly.
And it's not that he's talking dismissively in
business but we are very blunt and we're very straightforward like this is a business there's
no space for this you know emotion we're doing this if you don't agree let's discuss it and
let's move forward um that's how we built our business and it's been very successful we're
always open to each other but our relationship i just i can't function like that i can't have that type of talk so i realized this that we were different i realized that we had
different needs and because he didn't have a problem with it so i'm like oh this is a need i
have so i need to come up with a strategy that allows him to know when i'm in wife mode and a
strategy to know when i'm in business mode right So because he would work so much and I would take an hour off in the evening for myself.
But our studio is in our house.
So you can imagine there's no off switch.
He would go from business to personal to business again.
And so I would be off.
I would be in relaxing mode and he would come to me with a problem at like 8 p.m. at night.
That's so relatable.
Because you do that? I do
that. Oh, there you go. Now, here's the thing. I married a man that's very ambitious. I'm attracted
to a man that's very ambitious. So I never want to stunt his ambition. So I go, I can't tell him
not to do it. That's not fair. I'm asking him to be someone he's not. But I need to find a mechanism
so that we don't keep doing it and it disturbs my peaceful time so have you
ever been to a brazilian restaurant before like the steakhouses yeah yeah okay do you know that
remember the way they put those little chips on the table and it's like more meat or no meat so
they don't bother you and i was like oh i need like a button or something that's like working
not working and i looked around and i was like hmm i was like oh there's a lamp next to me
where i would kind of sit and chill that was like my chill space yeah so i looked around and I was like, hmm. I was like, oh, there's a lamp next to me where I would kind of sit and chill.
That was like my chill space.
So I said to him, I was like, all right, babe, from now on, if the lamp is on,
because I don't want to even vocalize I'm in relaxation mode
because even that pulls me out of relaxation mode.
So it's like I need just a signal that I don't have to say anything.
So it's like if I put the lamp on, the lamp on means relaxation
and the lamp on means I'm still in work mode. So I said to him, all right, babe it's like, if I put the lamp on, the lamp on means relaxation and the lamp on means
I'm still in work mode.
So I said to him,
all right, babe,
the next time you walk into the room,
if the lamp's on,
don't bring me any work.
If the lamp's off,
you can talk work.
I love that.
So he's just like,
yeah,
it's just having an agreement.
He's like,
all right,
cool, babe.
The very next time he walks in,
he's like,
hey, babe,
he sees the light on.
He's like,
love you.
And then he like,
he returns around
and closes the door
and I was like,
well done. That's a good system. I'm going to i'm gonna replicate that yeah yeah that's great advice thank you
can't wait um and you guys have built obviously quest to building our company but now you're
with impact theory i mean that thing has really taken off so you guys have the formula down
um hopefully but just like i said i'm changing and he changes so just when we think we got this
down we can teach this formula, something else happens.
And you're like, oh, okay, so I need to evolve.
Or for instance, let's just take when I said I was a stay-at-home wife and then I went into business.
That transition was very hard because I went from taking care of everything, his work, sorry, his clothes, his food,
to then turning around saying, I want to be your equal business partner.
And that means you have to do your own laundry or I'm going to do laundry once a month. And you're gonna have to take care
of yourself with food. In that situation, we had to really talk about what that looked like. So
number one, I just said, I love you more than life itself. Me cleaning and cooking for you has no
reflection of how I feel about you. Number one, number two, it's making me profoundly unhappy to cook and clean wow and i need your help
to navigate getting out of this unhappiness so we really worked on it together so we kind of
weaned him off like a drug i was like it's kind of like a drug babe so this week i'll cook and
clean for you seven days next week i'll cook and clean for you six days and then each week
we'll just wean you off does that sound good he's like yeah it sounds great so turn comes up one day he doesn't have any clean underwear because i hadn't done the
laundry quest is growing so quickly that's the last thing that's on my mind and he shouts from
the other room babe i don't have any clean underwear i was like okay and i'm holding my
breath right because in that moment i'm like there's a big difference between an agreement
and then the reality of that agreement right i need to go so
i guess i'm going to work commando and he goes to work with no underwear and you better believe
because i asked for his help and we were doing it together he felt good about the fact that he
didn't go to work with no underwear but if we didn't have that navigation he would have built
the contempt yeah and then that day that he doesn't have clean underwear the contempt starts
to show i can't believe my wife doesn't clean my underwear now in all of that his response was what
kind of husband would i be if i put um if i prioritize clean underwear above my wife's
happiness wow okay now why did i bring up that story i want to address what you just asked
flash forward to now that was 15 years ago.
Only last year, because we always check in with each other.
How are your feelings?
Is there anything you need me to change?
What do you wish I do that I used to do that I don't do anymore?
Like we ask the hard questions.
And he turned around.
He's like, babe, I miss you nurturing me.
Now I've spent 15 years as his business partner.
Never once needing him saying he needs nurturing,
but he's changed. He evolves. He's slightly older. Maybe he needs something different from me.
I need to give him the space to vocalize what he needs differently. And when he said that,
I was like, okay, what does that mean? Get into the nitty gritty of what that means. Be specific.
So a lot of time, maybe you and your fiance do this, where it's like, I need you to pay me more attention.
Of course.
But you don't actually know what that means.
Does that mean text her more?
Does that mean spend more time with her?
Does that mean pick up your phone less?
What does it actually mean?
So that's what I do.
I drill down with Tom.
What does it mean?
So I said, what does it mean for you to feel nurtured?
He's like, well, I want you to now, if you can help me with my food, what does that mean?
Well, if you can preempt my needs, all right, I can cook for you or I can order your Postmates.
I much prefer ordering your Postmates.
Do you care?
And he's like, no, as long as there's food ready.
Okay.
Can I text you that the bag is outside the front door or do you need me to plate it for you
and he's like i don't need you to plate it for me but if you can put it in this spot so that
when i walk in the room i see it it will make me so happy all right thank you for being clear
now i've adjusted my schedule and my life and i pre-order food so i don't have to think about it
and i've just created systems in my life in order to be able to show up for my husband with this new need that he has.
But I never want to get stuck and vice versa.
I never want to tell Tom this is what I want.
And then 10 years changed my mind and not having the space to be able to vocalize it.
Yeah, that's great.
Yeah, my fiance says at least once a week she wants more attention.
But being able to kind of dive into what that exactly means i think is the next step yeah and then also in that discussion figuring out where your value
systems are because i used to say to tom like babe can you please make the bed i grew up in a
household where you make your bed no matter what tom grew up in a household that why on earth would
you make your bed it's a waste of Now, it seems like kind of like you,
I think a lot of couples either argue over the dishes,
they argue over making the bed.
Making the bed was the thing that me and Tom used to argue over.
Until one day we realized it wasn't about the bloody bed.
It was about the value systems around making the bed.
So I said to him, what does making the bed mean to you?
Or not making the bed mean to you?
And he's like look
i'm in business i value time over everything value system value system is i value time because it's
the one thing i can never get back if you're asking me to make the bed and then unmake the
bed so we have we have two duvets because of our own body temperature it just saves us argument
saves us argument so we just have two duvets so he's
like you need me to make the bed and unmake the bed every day that's about five minutes now
calculate five minutes every single day over the next 10 years and i can't remember the math but
he was like that's how many hours you're asking me to waste making the bed and my highest value is
time so what i'm asking him to do actually goes against his value system.
It's not about the silly, funny, make the bed or not make the bed. So now we did the reverse.
What's my value system around making the bed? It is, I get anxious when places are messy.
I can't concentrate. ADHD, we were talking about that, you know, before we started rolling,
is that I have ADHD. And so I can't concentrate and I can't focus when a room is messy.
So the making the bed isn't about making the bed.
It's about helping me emotionally stabilize so I can function correctly.
Right.
Wow.
So once you drill down so deep into the value system, now you can have the argument about your values.
Yeah.
And once we started arguing about our values he said babe you cannot
ask me to be you know care less about the timing so i said all right let me find a strategy that
makes sense so i just found a strategy where i take my duvet i cover his duvet and there's a big
lump because i'm not i don't touch his duvet so literally sean there's a lump on his side of the
bed but at least it looks kind of neat. So that was our compromise.
Again, the reason why I brought up that story is most couples stop at the surface.
They stop at the making the bed.
And the reason why I brought that up for your sake is if your, your, your fiance wants more
attention, what does that actually mean?
And if it is time, how do you make sure you don't let go of your value system
who's an entrepreneur and wants to build?
I know that you've got so many ambitions,
but you never want to dull your values
or your ambition.
So how do you navigate it together?
And so for me and Tom,
it was, I don't expect him to ever
have dinner with me Monday to Friday.
We only pretty much see each other
as business partners.
And what's funny is
anytime I do an interview, I'm like, I don't see my husband Monday to Friday. And he's like see each other as business partners. And what's funny is anytime I
do an interview, I'm like, I don't see my husband Monday to Friday. And he's like, you see me every
day. We're in a thousand business meetings. And I'm like with my business partner. So you can see
again, he thinks he's with me all the time. I don't think I'm with him any other time. So Monday
to Friday, I don't expect him to be home for dinner. I don't expect him unless I need him.
And we have code words that we will text each other if i need him as the wife wow and if i text him these words he drops
everything and he'll show up for me and vice versa but there's the expectation that he doesn't have
to be come for dinner monday to friday but because i really value time with him we've then agreed
okay cool then from on saturday from um let's say it's like from
12 to midnight he's all mine wow and that means he doesn't check his phone unless there's an
emergency and we've just then put in rules that allow us to do that and if he's on vacation the
rule is i am able to take up another day or and that it, sorry, we're not vacation when he's
traveling. I should say speaking gigs when he's traveling. So we just have these rules.
If this, then that brilliant, if he's not here and we skip our date night, then I go into his
calendar and I block another schedule where I get to spend time with him and his rules. So my rule
is I can do that. I can never abuse it, which means I can never take advantage of it. So he
doesn't look at his calendar and all of a sudden I've got 10 blocks in one week.
Right.
So that's my promise to him.
And his promise to me is if the calendar invite is in his schedule, he never declines it.
Wow.
I love that.
But he never declines it, Sean, because I don't abuse it.
Yeah.
What a good system.
I love this.
Everything is systematized in my relationship.
Yeah.
And some people see that as like being too like tactical, i like it i mean i here's the thing i do understand why people
see it's tactical but i don't see any other way every other relationship that i have seen where
someone doesn't do something with purpose like deliberately a relationship doesn't last because
you're not speaking the same language so what ends up happening is if you're not tactical like that a woman may not speak up or the guy may not speak
up that once the time you hold it in you don't say anything a year goes by two years go by and
how often have you heard people say i don't know what happened i blinked and our relationship is
terrible i blinked and i don't know them. You never just blink ever.
It's the fact that you've ignored things because it's easier.
And I get it.
It's easier to ignore something than it is to address it.
Right.
But me and Tom have literally the commitment to make sure we never sweep anything under the rug.
And again, we've got rules.
And another rule is you never say sorry if you don't mean it.
Now, you can imagine how many arguments would be solved way quicker if one of us just apologized but we won't and i appreciate
that yeah i value that and so we'll even say i really want to apologize to you right now because
i see how much this is hurting your feelings but i don't want to say something that isn't true so
let's keep talking so an argument that we could probably distinguish within, extinguish within, let's say five minutes by just apologizing, it may now go on for another
day. But we never sweep anything under the rug and nothing ever becomes contempt because of it.
I love that. Another issue couples have is their friends. Sometimes the guy's best friends get in
the way of the relationships. Do you approve of his friends? How does that system work?
Yeah, I mean, to be honest, I with with tom i never questioned it because it was really about him so if you've if someone's got
friends that aren't necessarily healthy why is your partner still with them like i think it's
more a reflection of your partner than it is their partner's friends so if tom had a friend that was a player, I know who Tom is. And I would judge Tom on his behavior, not Tom's friend's behavior.
So let's say, for instance, Tom had a high school friend.
And he's like, look, he's my friend from high school.
I know that we don't.
And he doesn't necessarily have this, but I'm just giving an example.
And he's like, you know, yeah, he's a philanderer and he cheats all the time.
But, you know, we grew up together and he's my homeboy.
All right, cool.
Go out to a club with him.
I have zero problem.
If I had a problem, it means I don't trust my husband.
He shouldn't be able to get swayed by a friend.
Either he has the boundaries and the confidence to say no if a woman came up to him or he doesn't.
It's not his friend's fault.
It's kind of like when someone has an affair and they blame the woman instead of the person that actually had the
affair so let's say what i mean by that is let's say tom win had an affair and cheated on me most
a lot of women i see will blame the woman he cheated with me on really versus you blame the
guy that actually cheated right so for me tom's the one that's made me the commitment not the woman
he cheated with me on with me yeah yeah i get it um so yeah i i think i have built so much trust
with tom and i understand if you've been cheated on this may sound super naive and i'm very self
aware of that but if i've built so much trust with tom and i want to give myself over completely, I don't want a relationship where I don't trust him.
That if someone was to text me, hey, Lisa, I saw Tom walking down the street with his arm around another woman.
I would never go straight to he must be cheating.
I would go to there must be a reason.
Maybe it was a fan and she was crying.
Maybe it was a school friend that he hadn't seen in so long.
And he put like like ask the questions first
but i would never go straight into he must be cheating why because i've built that trust wow
now here's the thing that trust can be broken because i trust him so much he has the power
but i've dedicated my life to being in a relationship where you can be vulnerable with
your partner and they're never going to weaponize it right now that takes time it takes moments where i've shared one thing with tom and then in an argument where i know he can shut me
down by telling me this one thing that i he knows i'm vulnerable over does he do it no time and time
again for 21 years he's never once weaponized my vulnerabilities that has built trust now again
that's not to say he won't ever cheat but i've also going back to the non-negotiables that i was saying i've laid out my non-negotiables with tom
and i did that from day one because i want to set him up for success i want him to know what type of
relationship he's going into versus be surprised by it so my two non-negotiables were if you ever
put a hand on me or make me not feel safe around you, I'm out the door. Wow.
I have to feel safe.
I have to feel completely safe that you'll never physically hurt me.
So even if you went to like raise your hand to like threaten,
I'm out the door.
Dang.
I have to feel safe.
Number two is you can't ever cheat on me. And that means because a lot of people do forgive each other,
which I actually have zero judgment.
I just know myself.
I know I'll never be
able to get over it because i've given over to him completely so i've said to him babe just setting
you up for success if you were to ever cheat on me and i found out on wednesday at 1204 1205 on
wednesday i'm packed and i'm out the door which means you have no space to explain. I won't listen to why you cheated on me.
I won't even give you a chance.
Even if you think there's a valid reason,
which I can't even possibly imagine
why there would be a valid reason.
I just won't give you the opportunity.
And now the great news is it's in your hands.
I've told you exactly the things
that are going to cause me to leave.
And now it's up to you to see if you do or not.
And so laying that out from the get-go
has really helped both of us establish that trust
and establish what is important to the other person.
Absolutely.
Lisa, I've learned so much from you.
I can't wait to incorporate this stuff
in my relationship, for real.
Where can people find out what you're up to?
Yeah, dude, thank you so much for having me on.
So if you want to buy my book,
you can go to radicalconfidence.com.
It literally lays out everything I just broke down
and how I think how mine and tom's relationship really has evolved um especially if you're working
with your partner um but if you want to follow me on instagram that's at lisa billiou or i have a
podcast called women of impact where i talk about a lot of these uh subjects perfect we'll link it
all below thanks for coming on thanks dude yep