Dinner’s on Me with Jesse Tyler Ferguson - Lilly Singh — on sex, surviving late night, and taking up space

Episode Date: September 2, 2025

Comedian, actor and producer Lilly Singh joins the show. Over bacon and eggs, I ask about her new film ‘Doing It,’ a sex comedy seven years in the making that’s as hilarious as it is groundbreaking. Lilly shares the challenges of being seen as “too niche,” why she brought her mom on as a cultural consultant, and how she’s determined to build her own table in Hollywood. We dive into her viral TED Talk on gender equity, the way gratitude is often weaponized against women, and what she carries from her time in late night. This episode was recorded at Lindens at the Arlo Hotel in SoHo, New York City. Want next week’s episode now? Subscribe to Dinner’s on Me PLUS. As a subscriber, not only do you get access to new episodes one week early, but you’ll also be able to listen completely ad-free! Just click “Try Free” at the top of the Dinner’s on Me show page on Apple Podcasts to start your free trial today. A Sony Music Entertainment & A Kid Named Beckett production. Get 15% off your Saily plan with the code ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠dinnersonme⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Just download the Saily app or head to ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://saily.com/dinnersonme⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Stay connected — and don’t miss your dinner reservation. Stay connected — and don’t miss your dinner reservation. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

So I'm currently traveling abroad in London, right at the moment, which is why so many of my episodes, I have people with British accents right now. It's amazing here. I love it. And until I need directions or restaurant wrecks or anything, and I've got no Wi-Fi and sky-high roaming fees, which is just, it's not cute. That's why I started using Saly. Saly is an easy-to-use e-Sem app created by the folks behind NordVPN. It gives you instant mobile data. in over 190 countries, and you only have to install it once. That means I didn't have to line up at the airport for a SIM card, get scammed outside the train station, or keep hunting for public Wi-Fi signals like it's a rare Pokemon. Seriously, I sat outside of Wagamama the other day

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Okay, let's be honest, staying hydrated is the only thing keeping me from turning into a raisin these days. That's why Fiji water is always close by. Fiji water really is from the islands of Fiji, 1,600 miles from the nearest continent. It's filtered through ancient volcanic rock, naturally protected from external elements, and it picks up a unique profile of electrolytes and minerals along the way. That gives it more than double the electrolytes of the other top premium bottle water brands, and that soft, smooth taste that I absolutely love. Unlike some other top, premium bottle water brands, Fiji's water electrolytes are 100% naturally occurring, and Fiji's water has a perfect balance 7.7 pH. I have no idea what that means, but I like the word

perfect score, okay? And since 2022, Fiji's waters 330 and 500 milliliter bottles have been made with 100% recycled plastic. So whether I'm backstage, at home with the kids, or planning our podcast recording, I know I'm hydrating the Earth's finest way. Fiji water, it's Earth's finest water. Hi, it's Jesse. Today on the show, you know her from her bevy of roles that she's put out on YouTube. She's an incredible creator of characters, and she's an unbelievable storyteller. She's out with a new movie called Doing It. It's Lily Singh. I was in the playground and I overheard some boys talking and I swear I swear Jesse I heard them say yeah at night I like take it off and so for I kid you not five six years after that until high school I was like

boys can take their penises off yeah I swear this is dinners on me and I'm your host jessie tyler Ferguson I am very excited to meet Lily she's someone I've heard so much about in just recent years I started watching her when she had her late night talk show called A Little Late. She was an incredible breath of fresh air for late-night television. She's out with a new film called Doing It, which I just watched, and it is absolutely hilarious. I then went back and watched a lot of her content that she started putting out on YouTube, and she has just been creating such incredible characters and has such a unique voice. She's been doing this for such a long time. I can't believe I'm just sort of now discovering

who this incredible person is. I'm very excited to meet her. I actually ran into Lily on her way into the restaurant as I was walking in. She was just getting off of a very early morning flight in from Toronto.

She's getting ready. She's coming down to have a quick breakfast with me. She's doing press here in New York. Hi. Thank you so much for your patience. The traffic said no. I'm here at Linden's.

It's this cool, cozy spot tucked into the lobby of the Arlo Soho Hotel. It's got this major secret garden in the city vibes. Lots of wood tones, greenery, somewhat patches pouring in from a courtyard. It's named after the Linden tree, and you can feel that earthy seasonal vibe and everything around here. There's something about Linden's atmosphere. It's a friendly, spirited light spot, and it feels like it fits my guest's energy perfectly.

The menu is modern American, which basically means just, you know, come hungry. I've got my eye on an omelet and a quartado, but also I've heard that their seasonal butter here is kind of legendary. The energy is warm, it's laid back, and it's perfect for a great meal and for meeting a new friend.

And speaking of, here comes Lily. Let's get to the conversation. I'm so excited to get to know you. You seem so freaking cool. Likewise. I feel like we're going to be great friends. We're going to get a great. We were your ride matching with our hats.

Yeah. I was debating about the hat. Do you like the hatch? I take the head off. I do like the hat. I'm sure. I was also debating with mine. I mean, my hair's a bit of a mess.

You look great. Thank you. I have a fresh spray tan because I'm showing a little skin in the show. And this is like not my normal color. So I'm, you know. Fascinated by the spray tan as someone who's never got one. Right. The funny thing is it's always like an 18-year-old musical theater student doing it.

But she was like, yeah, I saw you when, you know, she's like telling me things. She's like, she's spraying the inner. my inner thigh with, like, tanning solution. But, yeah, you know, you have to get a little vulnerable with them. And she's like, you can dress down to, like, whatever you feel comfortable. And I was like, I'm comfortable not being fully naked. Right, right, right, right. I'm not doing that.

Right. So you're getting, you're in your underwear, and this girl's like, I loved you and so and so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't you love when you're in those positions? Yes. My worst one was a kid, you're going to think I'm making this up, but I swear to God, I'm not. Gynecologist. Legs spread inside of me.

Oh, wait, are you the Lily Singh? No. I swear, I swear, are you the Lillusine? I'm like, mm-hmm, in my vagina. That is, like, that's the day I passed away. That's the day I passed away. Yeah. Pretty, pretty rough.

And she was like, wait a minute, something feels different about this. I think you might be who I think you are. Right. Yeah. That's interesting because normal, normal, normal, inside, like, wait, are you the Lillie Singh? Wait a minute, I recognize you now. Are you the Lily-Sin? Yeah, that's hilarious.

Yeah, so. Correct. How are you? Hi. Good goodness. Thank you. Nice meeting you. Jose.

Jose. Nice to meet you. I love your rings and your watch. Let's Jose. Let's go. Yes, Jose. I recommend some of the most popular dishes in a breakfast. We have the avocado toast.

That's the with the sour dough, lemon ricotta, cheese, avocado, and two eggs as I have. Okay. That's the most popular dish. Mm-hmm. Love it. We have also the lamb or bacon. Okay. I know what I want.

I know what I want. Go first, babe. I'm going to do the egg white omelet. A quartado, please. I'll do oak, please. And an extra shot of espresso in there. Get it. Get it.

And sparkling water, please. Let's go. Drink quarter. I'm going to the same thing. Yes. All right, Jose, here's a situation. I want some things, but I don't know if they come. come in the current order of what I want.

So what I really just want is sourdough toast with scrambled eggs and bacon. Is that a thing that can happen? Do you want coming in eggs? Just like two scrambled eggs. Bacon, sourdough toast. Scramble eggs. Yeah.

And then they come in a slice of a sourdough. Two. Two is good, yeah. Two slice, yeah. So just like sourdough. And it's sad to bake. Yeah. Right.

Nice. And then if you do minty. We'll have a fresh mint or min brevina. Oh. I'll do fresh mint. Yeah, you will. Jesse's paying. Why not?

Fresh mint. With the side of caviar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With gold flakes and rose petals. You like that maybe tiny a lemon for the people? No, that's okay. No, okay. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So, but you're only in town for literally one day. I'm in town, not even a day. I'm in town, not even a day. I'm here for 10 hours.

Oh, my God. Less now. Less now. Like eight hours. New York doesn't like me. Why? You're going to think up, it just doesn't like. Every time I come to New York, I'm late, my schedule gets uprooted.

A flight is canceled. You know what? Speaking of which, I literally. No, but it's delayed by two hours. Literally, as I was walking down here, it was like, by the way, your flight is delayed too. So it's just something always is going wrong. Hair and makeup cancels. There's a car accident.

Flights are delayed. hotels are like, you never booked, what are you talking about? We don't have a reservation. It's just always chaos. What's the longest amount of time you spent here? Like a week. Really? Yeah.

I just, you give like New Yorker vibes to me. Really? That's crazy because I feel like there's two types of people, the people that like L.A. or New York. I feel like there's no person that likes both. I think I like both. Really? I do. Would you like one more?

Well, you live here. I have, no, I live in L.A. Why are we here? Why are we here? I live in L. Because I'm doing a play. Oh, this play! I know, it's really fucked everything up.

Jeez, okay, yes. I really like, I'm from Toronto originally. And I feel like that kind of biases my opinion about New York. Because I do feel, and no offense to anyone that lives in New York, Toronto is just kind of the quieter, maybe slightly politer. I get that. No, I just spent a few months in Toronto during a movie. And I get it.

And I love it. And I love it. It's something about the energy, like the aggressive energy. I'm not made for it. It's a me problem. I'm not made for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember last time I came here, all I did, I kid you not, is I walked out of a restaurant,

stepped onto the sidewalk, and someone walked by me and was like, get out of the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a nice Canadian, so. Yeah, yeah, sorry. Yeah. So you moved to L.A. for how long ago? 2015, so a decade ago. Okay.

I know, wow. You're, like, in it now. I know. I still, I still, I still like to emphasize, I'm Canadian. Uh-huh. I still operate in kilometers. Yeah. I still operate in Celsius.

Uh-huh. I still don't know how to get anywhere. I use my GPS for everything. So I'm like, there's a certain level of refusal to also acclimate, but I think otherwise, yes, I'm very comfortable. Okay, okay, yeah, yeah. I got a screener of doing it. Did you? You actually watched it?

I did. I did. You actually watched it? I did. You're so nice. Of course I was going to watch it. You know, I'm just pretending to watch it? I watched all the whole thing?

95 minutes of it. Wow. That really actually means a lot to me because truly I've worked on that movie for seven years. Yeah. As I'm sure you know, this stuff is not easy. It's extremely hard. It's an independent, independent. financed film so it's it's murdered me basically yeah um all my hair is white that's why i'm wearing

hat truly but i'm so glad you watched it you must be so proud of it too because it feels very personal um i'm interested in like knowing because you said it took seven years and that kind of doesn't surprise me because i feel like i've had to for my career do a lot of like counter programming for the industry like they see you as one thing they've see me as like a comedy person who's done you know a sitcom for 11 years and I have so many more things I can do and like want to do it and some of my other lanes I want to be in I want to direct I want to write I want to do all these other things and it is challenging to get people to step back and like look at you with a fresh slate right and I'm just interested in like how what challenges you might have come up against

just oh my how much time you got here baby a lot of thank you for saying all that I really appreciate that um you know it's interesting when you were saying that I was like Like, it's so weird how we work in a creative industry, but the, it's actually the least creative behind the scenes. It's pretty wild. People do get put into boxes. We're not, we're creative enough to make stuff. We're not creative enough to view people as multifaceted. We're so ready to just like, oh, right on time.

Yes, thank you so much. Only has seven plates because she's ordered seven different things. I'm so excited. You don't even know. Thank you. So, yeah, I, you know, started on YouTube, and the biggest hurdle was getting people to view me as anything other than a YouTuber. Right. For so long, I was on the digital list, and I was on, like, the creators list.

And I love, listen, I love coming from the creator space. I think creators are so talented. I love that. But then I had a brief stint as a late night show host, and then I was on the cover of magazines as, the freshest face of late night. And after that show ended, those same magazines went right back to being like, and you're a creator. It was like we cannot view you as anything besides, like, what is immediately in front of us. I've acted a ton, but still, like, it's creator or it used to be a late night host. It's like, I do a lot of things.

I wrote doing it. I produced doing it. I lead doing it. So I'm like, can we start giving people credit where credit is doing a little bit, you know? Now for a quick break, but don't go away. When we return, Lily tells me what it was like seeing her dad's face after he saw the trailer for her raunchy sex comedy doing it. and how she handled for getting a slide in her iconic TED talk. Okay, be right back.

All right, let's talk about something near and dear to my heart, building the perfect sandwich. And yes, yes, I take this very seriously. Step one, you need a great bread, fresh, crusty, something with character. Step two, Boar's head oven-gold turkey. Always, it's juicy, it's flavorful, it's the backbone of this operation. Step three, a few slices of boar's head, Smokemaster ham, because I like to mix it up. It adds a slow-smoked beechwood flavor that makes your taste buds just, you know, do a little dance.

Step four, cheese, sharp cheddar, if I'm feeling bold, creamy Swiss, if I'm feeling fancy. Step five, a swipe of Dijon, crisp lettuce, thin sliced tomato, and maybe a pickle or two, you know, for drama. Layer it all up, cut it in half diagonally, obviously, and you got a sample. that's perfectly crafted thanks to Boar's Head. Every bite tastes like it was made with care because it was. So if you're ready to level up your sandwich game, trust me, start at the deli counter. Discover the craftsmanship behind every bite at your local Boar's Head deli counter. Boershead. Committed to craft since 1905.

Hey everyone, it's Jonathan Van Ness. If my dogs could talk, they'd be like, uh, excuse me, Queen, where's my Ollie? You better make it rain, Diva, because we are not going to cuddle with you or anything if you don't get us our Ali. And honestly, I can't blame them. Listen to the titles of these old foods. It sounds like it would be on a brunch venue. Fresh beef with sweet potatoes, fresh turkey with blueberries. My dogs are eating better than I do.

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not completely satisfied, you'll get your money back. That's OLLL-I-E.com slash better and enter code better to get 60% off your first box. This episode of Dinner's on Me is brought to you by huggy's snug and dry. The new huggy's snug and dry are luxuriously soft and ultra dry. And I can personally vouch for that because when Beckett was around a year, he went through this phase where he refused pants. He just wanted to run around in diapers and nothing else. And I thought, well, if that's the outfit of choice, it better be a good one. So I gave Huggy's snug and dry a try. And honestly, I was shocked. They were unbelievably soft. Like, wait, is this a diaper or a cashmere throw kind of soft? And let's be

Be real. Listen, Beckett has standards. If something's even remotely itchy, it's coming off. But these, he didn't even try and tug at them. Experience the unexpected softness and up to 100% leak protection of huggy's snug and dry diapers. So even if your toddler's running a diaper-only fashion show through your living room, you know they're comfy and covered. More parents choose the new huggy's snug and dry softness versus the leading premium diaper. Huggies, we got you, baby. And we're back with more dinners on me. Speaking of the hurdles, listen, it's a sex comedy. Okay, growing up, sex was a super taboo subject. I don't know if it was in your household as well. Oh, a little bit. I grew Christian. Right.

So super taboo subject, as it is in many, many cultures, didn't have sex at in school. I had one health class. It was very straight. Didn't learn anything about the spectrum, anything about sexuality, didn't know, nothing. And especially growing up, never, ever saw any. sexual comedy or sex stuff with brown people in it, to be honest. And so I was like, I really want to, this is a really scary thing to do, but I really want to make this movie.

I think if I had this movie growing up, I would be a lot better adjusted. I would be a lot more comfortable in my body. I'd be a lot more confident in a lot of facets of my life. But here's the thing. When we're trying to sell this movie, because it's independently financed, when we're trying to sell it, feedback I heard more than once was, and I'm going to let you deduct why this may be. I'm in it.

A woman who plays my Indian mom. is in it. My best friend in the movie is Pakistani. We were told and it's very much so in the vein of like 40 year old virgin or something like that. I was told that it was too niche. So I can't help but feel because I was the lead of it. It becomes too niche.

But I'm like, who invented the comma suture again? Right. How many South Asians are on the planet? Clearly they have sex. Clearly we know about sex. Yeah. So I was that was a big bummer. But also the movie is told to the point of view of the culture as well. And that's what I love

so much about it is because it felt like it did feel like a coming of age and I put that in quotes because your character is in her 30s but it's like you know she's coming of age sexually right um and hilariously said put in the position of teaching a sex ed class which is you know incredible that that's a position she's being put in um but also you know the the relationship that your character has with sex because of her culture and like I know that you were your parents are immigrants from India yeah and you were raised in Sikh household I mean what was what were those conversations like for you I mean there weren't any yeah I was gonna say yeah I didn't really get the talk I very briefly like my mom talked to me for like 10 minutes one day and it's because she didn't

get the talk properly right yeah she's just doing what she knows and then school didn't do any favors either because they were just like, yeah, we're also not going to talk about it. So no one talked about it. So I learned about it from literally movies, music videos, things like that. Here's a true story. What grade I was like? Maybe grade six. I was in the playground and I overheard some boys talking.

And I swear, I swear, Jesse, I heard them say, yeah, at night I like take it off. And so for, I kid you not five, six years after that until high school, I was like, boys can take their pieces off. Yeah. I swear, I was like, boys can. Lily, they are. I might believe you But then when I grew up I grew older

I was like if that was true The world would be a better place So that can't be true That can actually be true I misplace my penis Yes But I did think But that's how clueless I was

I believed all types of things I believed that if I sat on a boy's lap I could get pregnant Yeah I believe that like You could get STD through holding hands I believe that boys could remove their penises It was just all the stuff

I was like no one ever educated us And it's scary Because sex is a part of every most people's lives, and we need to learn about our bodies. Absolutely. And why would you not want your kids to learn about their bodies and consent and safety? Yeah. Just makes no sense to me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? So it's a raunchy sex comedy. There's a lot of people that I think will resonate with it, and there's a lot of people that will probably be pretty pissed off. A lot of undies and uncles, but I think that's okay. Because if you're pissed off, you have to ask yourself why. It's just a movie that empowers women sexually.

Right, right. So why are you mad at that? Right. I read that you had your mom actually working on the film. Yes, yes. She was the, not just a vanity title, she was actually the cultural consultant on the film. That's incredible. So we shoot some scenes for India and it's mirrored off her classroom growing up. So it's like, mom, does this look like the classroom? There's a little bit of like Hindi and Punjabi speaking, so it's like, can you factually, like, let us know if they're saying the right things or not. Because mine is like not that good. I can get away speaking, but I'm not as good.

So she was actually there like helping, going through the script, making sure the props, all said the right things. She wasn't there for any of the intimate scenes. And she's also not seen the movie yet. Nor has my father. I was going to ask if they'd seen it. I just flew from Toronto where my parents live. And here's the thing about brown dads. They're not men of many words, you know? So I was really nervous because the first time I would have seen my dad since my trailer got released tonight.

I asked my mom, I was like, well, did he say anything? She's like, he didn't say anything. He didn't say anything. He just like went in words, right? But then I opened the door, and he had just, his way of showing love, there was three individual congratulations balloons. And he was just like, proud of you. He didn't say anything about it.

He was just like, I bought you these three. balloons and therefore my lar exactly yeah yeah exactly and i was like and i accept this and that is great and that is his way of showing love and it's that's sweet but i am nervous as hell for them to see it i can only imagine sort of speaking on that same subject your ted talk is incredible um and i love how you open it up talking about your grandfather and sort of the it starts off i mean in a way you know you're known to be funny and a comedian and the bleak as hell when it starts. I mean it starts off very introspective

and you know how your grandfather was disappointed that you were born a girl and his change of perception of you as you became successful I think it's incredibly moving and I mean

culturally like growing up did you feel because you grew up in Canada but you seemed very connected to your roots from your parents kept you very connected. And did you go back to Indy a lot when you were a kid? You're in there. Yeah.

I go back now more than I did when I was a kid, yeah. What was your stress level when you were asked to do a TED talk? Because I was asked if I wanted to do one, and I immediately said no. And you did the right thing. No, I feel like I should have done it. Listen, let me be real with you. So happy I did it. It is one of my proudest accomplishments.

But it is very difficult. People don't understand how hard it is. And not to be an asshole, but I do have to make a distinction between 10x and a TED Talk. Okay. They're both very wonderful to do, but one of them, I'm pre, I've never done a TEDx talk, but for a TED Talk, it's completely memorized. There is no teleprompter. I was like, oh, this is already really hard to do. Great. I'm going to have props and I'm going to have a slide show that I control myself. Yeah. So you're in a room full of geniuses. Very smart people. You're completely memorized. They have a little timer. It's not a normal timer that goes zero to wherever you have you to go. No, it counts backwards. Then at one minute goes the other way. And it's like, It's like a jigsaw puzzle to figure out the timer that you're looking at. Like, have I laughed myself? Right. It is one of the most nerve-wracking things I've ever done because you're not talking about...

So you were memorized? It was a 19-minute completely memorized TED Talk, yes. Wow. And full of stats, full of numbers that you have to get right because they also fact-check it all and they review it and they're like, you have to say it like this for it to be accurate. You can't say it like this. So it is a high-pressure situation.

Now, the good news is you never see anyone mess up during a TED Talk. Why? Editing. Yeah, yeah. I did actually miss a side, and I was like, and I actually rewound myself on stage. So I made a mistake, and I went, oh, I'm just to remind myself, and I literally did that as a comedic, like, crutch.

And you don't see it in the TED Talk, but yeah, I'm really proud I did it, but man, it is, if you're, like, slammed with your schedule and don't have the bandwidth, I would not recommend. But if you're like, I have the capacity to be tormented for a second, then I would recommend it. Did you know when you were asked to do that, or did you always have the,

idea of what your TED talk if you said because I have these conversations with people like oh that's my TED talk you know it's like sort of like oh that's my drag name yeah yeah yeah that's the name of my memoir I mean did you know what you wanted to talk about because it's a very poignant very relevant issue about having women having a seat at the table I knew it would be around gender because all of my charitable work I'm a really good person charitable work yeah all my charitable work is around yes is around gender equity so I knew it would be around gender I didn't know exactly and the good thing is do help you like frame it and you have a lot of meetings with them to be like what direction

you think is good so I knew it would be around gender but I didn't know I had the experience of late night to speak to I didn't know that my whole life I would have that experience um but I do reference my I am that person that references my TED talk a lot I'm like well if you watch my TED talk I do talk about it up just for the record I brought it up but it is that thing it's my Hoffman Institute I brought it my play I've got my play and your TED talk so I'm like I'm referencing all the important things no but it is true I think my favorite part of my TED talk is if I may say, the thing that once a day, I'm like, it's true, I talk about how gratitude is weaponized against people and particularly women. I feel like gratitude is really weaponized against women.

You're in a situation where you're underpaid, you're not treated well, and majority of the time someone's telling you, like, you should just be really grateful to be here. You don't need to be treated well. You should be great. Once a day I experienced that. Stop complaining. Yeah, till this day, once a day I get shushed into being mistreated. through gratitude. And so that's something I'm trying to be more aware of. It's like, no, I can be grateful, but also be treated well. Those two things are not mutually exclusive.

Ladies, am I right? Do you a lot of ladies listen to this? Mostly. Mostly ladies? I think I have a mostly female audience. Let's go, ladies. You know what I'm talking about them. Boys, get on train.

Yeah. What are you fucking waiting for it? Now for a quick break, but don't go away. After the break, Lily shares how she's learned to bounce back from disappointment. and I confess one of my most embarrassing moments, which involves baseball. Okay, I'm already having PTSD thinking about this. Be right back. Hosting dinners on me means I'm often out, whether I'm grabbing sushi with a guest in Los Angeles

or traveling to a cozy Italian diner somewhere in New York City. And while I love those conversations, it also means I'm away from home and away from Justin and the kids. That's why we use Simply Safe. I used to think security meant an alarm that went off after someone broke in, but that's honestly too late. Simply safe is proactive. It helps stop a crime before it starts. Their system uses smart AI-powered cameras to spot suspicious activity outside your home, then immediately alerts their professional monitoring agents.

Those agents can step in instantly, talking to the person through two-way audio, triggering sirens and spotlights, even requesting police dispatch before anyone gets inside. It's real security that lets me focus on my work and my guests and my own life, knowing that my home is covered. Visit simplysafe.com slash jesse to claim 50% off a new system. That's S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E dot com slash Jesse. There's no safe like SimplySafe. With two small kids and two dogs running around the house, I've realized something, and that is that furniture has a much shorter lifespan than you think. Sofas? No, destroyed. Rugs, don't even get me started. Which is why I'm very

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And we're back with more dinner's on me. I mean, the metaphors you use in the TED, not to keep talking about the TED Talk, but I do love it so much. You know, you're talking about having a seat at the table, but then also the quality of chair you're sitting. Yes, I would make an IKEA manual references. Yes, yes. And then also, you know, talking. about like we we don't need the table sizes need to necessarily it we need to rethink the table basically I just think it's such an it's true because my whole life I've

been taught I think there's a general delusion with a lot of people which is works so hard so you get to X yeah when you get to X you're like this is not it's great I got here and I'm grateful but it's not it's usually not what you think it is and I felt like that but late night I felt like that the first time I booked a lead role in a show and I'm cautious of thinking about this this as well going into doing it releasing. Right. I always have this illusion

that this is going to change everything. It's going to change how people think of me. The industry's not going to treat me better. Now they're going to give me roles and now they're going to think of me an actor. I would like to believe that is true. But there is a layer inside me that knows that's probably not

because the table I'm working towards is not built for me. It's really not. I learned that through late night and I talked about it in the TED Talk, which was I thought when I got the show, I thought when I got them up its role, I thought when I made doing it,

it's like that's it. But no. There's still going to be another exec that's like, your creator and you're too niche, and that's what it is. So I'm like, the table sucks. Right. I want to build my own table. Yeah.

Which is why I'm proud because doing it's actually my production company's first feature. So that's the part I'm most proud of that it's like my company and we're putting it together. So I can be like, oh, this is one little peg in our first, our table that we're trying to build over here. And I know how hard it is to just get anything made and to have it out in the world and have that success and float it out and be like, okay, this is something I've created. You know, that's in itself a huge accomplishment. And to have it also be a project that's so personal to you, I think you should feel so proud of that. Thank you. I am really, really proud.

And we chased the strike. We shot it during a writer's strikes. We only had white pages. Couldn't make any tweaks to anything. Oh, wow. Yeah. Talk about that. Well, I wrote drafts 15 to 26 the week before the writer strike.

And I submitted it 30 minutes before the writer strike. Yeah, I don't think a lot of people know that. So I actually shot a film during the writer's strike. Well, not during, right before the writer strike. a strike. And we were allowed to keep working because we were already in production, but we could not make any changes. You couldn't do any rewrite. So we're allowed to be in production, but we couldn't make a single change to anything in the script, which is really tough. That's hard because you discover so much when you're working on something. That's

unbelievable. I mean, also, I know, obviously the experiences we've had in the industry informed so much about, like, what our next projects are. You've mentioned late-night a little bit. I know you don't talk about it too much, but like... I don't know that I've talked about it a million times. It's so much. I know. I know. That exhaustion. But like the experience, though, I mean, like you said, it prepares you for like where you are now. Do you think, like, you have, like, a different set of armor that you enter? Like, I guess expectations for yourself, even. Like, I guess for me, it's been hard to

sometimes reprogram myself to not have expectations I guess and that is an artist I think is sometimes hard for me because I want to expect the best of my work

I want to believe the best of my work and I have been put up against situations where I'm like I'm having a hard time believing that this is going to all work out well because of my past experiences and part of that

self-preservation and protect of myself, and so I don't, you know, disappoint myself too much and become too frustrated and want to give up completely. But I, it's something I'm working at and trying to, like, I'm trying to figure out how to reprogram myself. So I will, I do expect the most of myself every time. I just, I don't know if that resonates at all with you. Totally. Yeah, totally does. Thanks for sharing. Also, I really like you. You're like a deep, honest person. I really appreciate that. A few things you said, when you were talking, I just had an epiphany right now, so thank you. Which is, I've always tried to be like, how do I not have expectations about this?

And I think as humans, we're always going to have expectations. To have zero expectations, I don't know if that's actually possible. No. So I think what I... It's also depressing. Right. I think what I have worked on, and I just realized it when you were talking, is I'm okay to have expectations about my work. And I think it's normal to have expectations of my work.

Like, do I in my heart, my expectation for doing it is I want it to open the door for my next role. I want it to open the door for my next movie. I want all that stuff. Now, I think what I've worked on is how I value what the outcome is. And I'll explain that. So I have expectations, but if they don't get met, I will no longer be devastated, is the goal. If they do get met, that is great. But I think what I'm working on is not valuing myself and my entire foundation based on

especially professional expectations. Because that's where it gets a little tricky. If my whole self-worth and how I operate in relationships and how I think of myself in the morning is based on how doing it does, that's a very bleak existence for me. But if I can say, hey, I have expectations around this movie and if they go well, great, I'm going to throw a party

and if they don't go well, I'm still going to wake up feeling like I'm a great person, I love myself, and I'm still going to be a good sister and a good daughter and all that's a different conversation. And I think previously I wasn't in that place. My work would seep into every part of my identity where someone would ask me who I am. So yeah, I've really just, I feel like for a lot of my life,

and this is like maybe with age or whatever it is, okay, I'll tell you the real reason I'm saying this because you're going to either like this or not like this because I know it's a polarizing subject, okay? For most of my life, I have, in this industry, I've really struggled with like, who am I if it's not my job, if it's not the role, if it's not the late night host, not the YouTube, who am I?

Because if someone asks me who I am, I go, oh, I was on this show or, I describe myself through accolades and accomplishments. And it's normal because we talk about them. TED Talk. I get it. But that starts to really mess with me because I was like, I don't think I actually know who I am outside of my job.

And I don't know if anyone else listening can resonate with this. Like, if someone has to ask you about yourself, you probably would go to your job. That's exactly right. So in therapy, I talk, my therapist is always like, you are not what you do. Like, what you do is not your identity. And for the longest time, I was like,

I fundamentally do not understand what you're saying. because for as long as I can remember, I've always been what I do. I've been my good grades. I've been the good report card I got. The good job I got. Like, that's all I was ever validated for. And I know I've gotten better at it

because just two days ago, I was up for this role that I really, really wanted. If anyone that's listening to this, there's many stages to get a role. I did the tape, the callback, the chemistry, the networks. I was down to the wire. Just found out, I was like, you didn't get it.

Two years ago, I would have been devastated. For a week, I would have been like, I'm worthless, I don't want to hang with my friends, heard the news, an hour later when all my friends had a great time. I was like, that's, I really want a role and I'll get a role, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to enjoy this moment with my friends because they think I'm a great friend. They don't even care about this role. They don't even know about this world.

So I think it's just like doing the mental work of being like, I'm more than my ambition. I'm more than these projects. So that's why I'm excited to do the press store for doing it, but I'm excited to just have a really good time to be like, I'm proud of this movie, but this movie is not my whole. identity. Yeah, and it should feel like a victory lap, if nothing else. We should have fun. Yeah. Remember fun? Remember that? Listeners, remember fun? Remember when we used to just be like, I'm going to have fun and I'm going to enjoy someone's company and I'm just going to like connect with someone. Back to that. Back to that. Connection. Yes, fun, connection, joy. I'm here for that.

And going back to your question, because I realized I took you on a tangent again, that is what I learned from late night. So I'm grateful for late night because you asked me what armor. I think I have post that, I believe, and I say this will full, I can say it's my full chest, there's not a schedule that scares me. Oh, yeah. Post late night, there's not a schedule that phases me at all. I can do any schedule for better or for worse. Yeah.

But what I did learn from late night is, I think I spent some days on set, like 14, 15 hours a day on set, and I would go home and be exhausted. And if you do that and you go home and you're not thrilled to go back the next day, that is a very bad place to be in. So I have just learned that, like, there is a selectiveness that I have earned. in my life, which is a privilege, I will admit, to be like, if I'm going to do that, I want to have a blast. Yeah.

And I did that. The next thing I did after late night was I was on the Muppets Mayhem for a season. My co-stars were Muppets. And when I tell you, I worked 14, 15 hours a day and went home, and I was like, I cannot wait to go back to. That's a much different scenario to be in. And so that's what I'm changed. Just the things that make Little Lily happy.

I think I've earned that, and I want to operate from that space now. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I think we really need to go back. And again, I'm speaking, understanding this is a privilege, but I do pick some days in my life where I'm like, every decision I make today is going to come from a place of not fear, not obligation. It's going to come from a place of what do I want to do

and what brings me joy. What do you want to do next? I love acting. I love acting. I love writing. Hate producing. Could do without that piece. Okay, so you try that.

I'll do it. It's not my favorite. For people that listening, do you know how expensive a song is to use in a movie? It's like, it's tragic. Yeah. Every part of a producing. a movie is absolutely tragic.

Licensing, music rights. I mean, you wrote one of your own songs. The one of the songs in the movies is you. I had to. Let me say this without saying it. I had to write it in one day. Did you have another song that you wanted to use? I had another song.

Let's just say the movie's called Doing It. We had another song that did not get cleared. That did not get cleared. I was forced to write. I wrote that credit song in one day. It's a great song. Thank you. I mean, I think these genders are.

That's why it's honestly not technically mastered properly. It probably sounds that way. But, yeah, so I love acting. I love telling stories and I love writing. I really want to act. I spent a lot of my life doing short form content where I was with certain sketches for like a day or two. I love sitting with a character for longer

because I learned so much about myself. I selfishly just love this industry and acting because I learn about myself. I think it's the greatest thing you can do. My most recent tattoo is a student. I believe in being a student for life. I think acting is a great way to learn about yourself. Yeah. I really did. Every role I've ever played, I'm like, oh, wow, I've discovered a layer of myself.

So selfishly, I'm just on a mission in my entire life to master myself, honestly. Yeah. Yeah. Have you worked on material that is not something that you have been super closely knit to? Yeah, I mean, the Muppets, you know, was completely, and I love that. I love all facets of acting. I love acting the things I've written, but I really love executing someone else's vision, too. Because, again, it's just me learning a different part of myself because they're probably writing something I didn't have the capacity to write, right? Right. So I love all of it. I love being on set.

I love being part of a team. I love being challenged. I like learning new things. Like I'm obsessed with learning. I'm a huge nerd. People think I'm cool. It's not true. I'm a huge nerd.

You are. I mean, I invited people over to my house two weeks ago because I wanted to hire an expert in something that I was new. I saw this. Wait, I just saw a survivalist.

Yes, I hired a survivalist. Just for funsies. Like, this is my idea of a casual weekend. I was like, I'm going to hire survivalist because if me and all my friends get together and we learn something brand new that none of us know will bond. and I buy them little notebooks, and we took little notes, and that's me.

I'm just a nerd, and I love learning. I hired someone to teach me and my friends how to make pizza. I got a pizza oven, and I was like, I don't know what to do with this. So you're a nerd, too. I love meeting a fellow nerd. I really do. It's my favorite thing. I think a nerd is just something people are passionate about things, and I just, I'm a big, big nerd.

Yeah, I love the hired a survivalist. That's incredible. I know. But I do want to ask about the NBA All-Star game. Did you end up doing that? Yes. Because I feel like I found a clip of you on the Jennifer Hudson show saying that you wanted to do I only played for like six minutes.

No, I did do it. Oh, because you ended up doing it. It's right up there with TED Talk of one of the most, possibly even more than the TED Talk. Okay. I was so nervous to play the other team. Jen Fraudson was on the off team. And I also remember my other question, but I'm going to remember now.

Who was on my team? Well, 50 Cent was my coach. Okay. And then I had some, I had an amazing country singer. I don't remember. This is my way of saying I don't remember any of their name. But there was cool people on my team, but it was so nerve-wrecking. But you guys won, right?

My team did win, but I will tell you that I thought it was, I thought it was, I'm I'm going to keep this 100. I don't have a filter. So if you're listening, hopefully you know that by now. I was like, this will be fun. I'm going to go there.

Everyone's going to have fun. They're nice. The dudes that play this game, the NBA, for the dudes that play it, this is like their Met Gala. They're like, I'm going to prove everything

about my athletic ability. That tracks for me. They take it very seriously. So for me and Jennifer Hudson and like the two other women, I think the two other women were like WMBA players. They're like body checking.

They're like, get out of our face. We're here to prove that we can play basketball. So it's not as chill as I thought it was going to be. But I'm very proud I did it. I have the jersey framed in my house and it's very cool. And my nephew said it was very cool. And so that's awesome.

But it was very scary. Yeah, I can imagine. I was asked to throw a pitch at the first game for the Dodgers. It was for LGBTQ night. And I was asked to throw out the first pitch. And I was terrified to do it. and I said yes, and I went with Eric Stone Street, who plays my husband, a modern family, and he's very athletic, I'm not, yeah, he's, I mean, he's way more athletic than I am,

and it certainly knows how to, like, toss a ball. I had basically a dad moment with Eric Stone Street on the field, like, where he was teaching me how to throw a pitch, and I was doing really good, and I was like, okay, I got this, I got this, and as it started to get closer and closer to the time where I needed to do it, my nerves started coming in and I can handle my nerves as an actor right I grew up very unathletic and kind of traumatized by that too yeah and I started to have like a panic attack and I the ball was like going off in weird directions and it's like oh my god oh my god oh my god oh yeah and I was like I'm gonna like really botched this and so in the moment i get on the mound there's like i'm at dodgers

stadium there's thousands of people it's like it's like my worst nightmare actually coming true yeah yeah and i'm like right back as like a kid in in grade school like being picked last for the team and i have a baseball in my hand all these people are waiting for me to throw the first pitch this big game And so I go into preservation mode And I think, okay, I'm a comedian, I'm funny So I jog the ball up to the mound Or the from the pictures of mound to the batter And I just drop the ball into the catcher's mitt

And people laughed And then a lot of people vood And I felt in that moment It's like, fuck, I should have just thrown the ball And even if I had, like, fucked it up, it would have been better than this because it felt like I was leaning on, you know, a joke. It was a fight or flight moment. And I chose to this path to do this joke instead.

And I still, like, if anyone's listening and it's like, I get to choose who throws out the first pitches of these games, I would love to do a do-over and I would love to actually do it. It's going to happen. We're manifesting it right now. You should absolutely do a do-a-do-old. I want to do it again, and I actually want to throw the ball. And I'm going to do incredible. So when I saw the two played in the NBA All-Star game, I was like, I just was, I was so fascinated by, and it takes a lot of bravery. It's really scary.

Well, first of all, thank you for sharing that for me. That was really vulnerable for you to share. And I feel like that's the one thing about criticism and the internet in general. It doesn't care about nuance at all. And there's no conversation there. It's a one side of conversation. And I think that's one of the, just to let you know that I see you in this way, I think one of the hardest parts of it being part of any. community that is not treated equally or there's underrepresented with the gay community,

whether it's like the South Asian community, whether it's girls and women, we have to carry the burden of now correcting all the mishaps and being the representation for all these people. And so then you don't get to be the person who's just nervous to throw a pitch. No, you have to represent all gay people throwing this pitch. And that's also not fair to you. But that is the burden we carry. And it is something I even feel like. And again, going back to doing it, I made it as sad as a joke, but I mean it sincerely when

I say, some people will really resonate with it, just like the people who saw your pitch and were like, oh, my God, I get it. He's probably nervous. I would be nervous through the pitch, and I so see myself in him. And there'll be people like that person that wrote the article that just tear it apart. And the hard part is, is that behind the scenes, those people don't realize how much we do to try to carry these communities forward. It's just it's impossible to please everyone.

It really is impossible to please everyone. And so, as your new best friend, let me give you the permission to say, it's not your It's not your responsibility to have to do that. I appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you. I'm glad I got that off my chest. Yeah, no, totally. This has been so incredible. You're so incredible.

I really like you. I like you too. Yeah. Thanks very much for listening as well. Yeah. I feel like if your listeners or anything like you, they're very lovely and sweet. They seem to be. Yeah, yeah.

They seem to be and they're lovely and they like this podcast. And I can confirm for you having just met Jesse that he's also lovely. So if you're listening and you're like, I don't know, he could be an asshole. I'm confirming for you that he's actually very lovely. And just for that, and as you've mentioned, breakfast is on me. Perfect. You're not paying it. Could you imagine?

Can you imagine? You're like cut and that's on you, Lily. And actually, can you go have these? What's your Vimau? This episode of Dinner's On Me was recorded at Linden's at the Arlo Hotel in Soho, New York City. Next week on Dinner's On Me, you know him as Ted Mosby from the acclaimed sitcom How I Met Your Mother, and from the newly launched recap pod. How We Made Your Mother, its writer, actor, director, and musician Josh Radner.

We'll dive into his new chapter as a married man, unpack his How I Met Your Mother Rewatch journey, and untethered Josh from Ted. And if you don't want to wait until next week to listen, you can download that episode right now by subscribing to Dinner's On Me Plus. As a subscriber, not only do you get access to new episodes one week early, they'll also be able to listen completely ad-free. Just click try free at the top of the Dinners On Me show page on Apple Podcasts to start your free trial today. Dinners On Me is a production of Sony music entertainment and a kid named Beckett Productions.

It's hosted by me, Jesse Tyler Ferguson. It's executive produced by me and Jonathan Hirsch. Our showrunner is Joanna Clay. Our associate producer is Alyssa Midcalf. Sam Bear engineered this episode. Hans Dale She composed our theme music. Our head of production is Sammy Allison, Alex Schumann, assisted in the production of this episode. Special thanks to Tamika Balanced Kalasni and Justin Makita.

I'm Jesse Tyler Ferguson. Join me next week. All right, let's talk about something near and dear to my heart. Building the perfect sandwich. And yes, yes, I take this very seriously. Step one. You need a great bread, fresh, crusty, something with character. Step two. Boar's Head ovengold turkey. Always. It's juicy. It's flavorful. It's the backbone of this operation.

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