Distractible - Appeasing Our A.I. Overlords

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

A.I. is going to take over sooner or later, so the guys may as well use it's suggestions for episode topics. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Bluetooth Bob the Bold fears no porch-pouncing boner bashers, solar sphincters, or pineapple on pizza. Merciless Mark makes light of a blind masturbator and herds highway strains, and Watchful Wade telepathically communes with a roo,

lousits soaking, and dodges pet-gifted office poo. From feathered fecal matter to waffle inferiority, he has. It's time for Appeasing Our AI Overlords. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome to another episode of Distractible, the show where I almost said everything's

made up in the points that matter, but that's not our bit. That's Drew Carey's bit. We did do one episode based on that bit. All the episodes are based on that bit, especially when I host. The points are like the low case letter I in mathematics. They're imaginary numbers. Oh, I see. That's what that is, right? Is that the...

Mandy will kill me if I got that wrong. That's the symbol. Well, now I'm questioning it. Like the stakes weren't really that high and now they feel like they're high. She can kill me. We're married. That's allowed. Anyway, welcome.

My name is Bob. I'm the host because I won the last episode and I have two competitors. The winner between those two will host the next episode. My competitors today are Mark and Wade, as always. I'm here to compete. Here to win. Here to chew ass and

to kick bubble gum. And I'm all out of ass. I chew ass and what was the other one? Something with bubble gum. Kick gum all the time. Yeah, let and uh what was the other one something with bubble gum kick gum all the time yeah let's do it chew ass and fuck bubble gum i have a topic and we're going to discuss that and that's going to be the bulk of the episode i think but it is tradition and also our format to start with small talk how are you guys doing how small of a talk do we got today it doesn't have to be small i'm just yeah i have a fun little just a little short story that's fun did someone send you to get cupcakes again no no nothing quite as

dramatic but i had family in town my brother-in-law sister-in-law my niece were here staying with us molly and i every year take a trip to the cincinnati zoo to go to festival of lights so we went down there with family and we got down there early enough to walk around and see some of the animals before it got too cold or dark whatever and they like the animals go inside and uh one of the things you can't do too late is go into the bird house we just have different birds like tropical birds that's really like hot and humid and we open a door to go into one of the exhibits and like i heard scurrying above me and i was like i hope that bird doesn't poop on me when i walk in walked in the door looked up there was a cute little bird

up there and i was shit free very happy and then uh we're looking around the different birds and uh i hear the door open i turn around and this guy's walking in with his daughter and i look at the bird and the bird lifts up its ass right on that dude's shirt did the shit make that noise as it fell it did in my head and i may or may not have been making the noise out loud i don't know you watched and you were all and on our way out the door i was like uh not to be that guy but you might have some bird crap on your shoulder and he's like oh no that was all i heard as we left man that just reminded me of a time where i i think i was in korea and i was just like looking out at the view and it was beautiful

i think i was you know visiting the temple where my grandparents are interred. They have their plaque there. And I was looking at it as a beautiful place with like mountains. It's in a valley. And I see this big bird go by. And for a second, I thought it exploded because all of a sudden it was like, and I was like, what did my eyes just see? It just like dropped a carpet bomb of poop just it's just like i had no idea a bird could produce that much

like it had been constipated for weeks and then all of a sudden it was like did you as it flew away did you just hear like oh oh god finally not again i shouldn't have eaten taco bell yeah so uh that's just it didn't hit anyone and it didn't land anywhere untoward i think it just went into the woods so it was a sign from your ancestors mark yeah exactly i don't know what it's trying to tell me you piece of shit well yeah that that makes sense hey you know what it's trying to tell me. You piece of shit. Well, yeah, that makes sense. Hey, you know what? I have a funny zoo story too, but it's not recent either. And it's not poop related.

So relief for you listeners. But I, I went, we went to the, I think it was the Columbus Zoo. And that's where my parents live in Columbus. And what, what the hell happened? My stand behind me may have collapsed. Holding what exactly? Oh, you know, just this box. Oh, wait, that's a good point.

Sam can edit it in. What if it just like he put it there, but it slowly grew over the course of the episode? I would love that very much, actually. We went to the Columbus Zoo and there were there's like a kangaroo exhibit where you can go in and you're like in the same area as the kangaroos. But one of the people that worked that exhibit, their entire job was to watch the kangaroos because they plotted escapes as a group. They would like one of them would be a distraction and then the other ones would break for the door. And this lady's whole job, she just stood there and she was like ah oh and the

kangaroos would be like damn it and like go retreat back and but they were they literally would like plot escapes out the door and her job was just to stand there and watch and be like you think one ever like fell on the ground was like and she like had to go help and then the other ones are like how's our chance john i mean it probably is i i imagine it escalated to that at some point but dude zoos are cool as long as the animals are happy you guys ever wonder about that if the animals are good or not good or i know that they're happy in the cincinnati zoo except for that one saddy the sad brown bear i was talking about harambe but i guess he's dead so he can't be sad he was probably pretty happy right up until the bad stuff happened yeah that's probably true he was having the time of his life he just got like

he found a friend a friend i was trying to find the right word friend's right word yeah he just he just wanted to chill and the vibe was immaculate and then the zookeepers just didn't let him you know they harshed his vibe dude it was mega harshed there was that kangaroo in adelaide we went to the nature preserve that stood right outside the door where like we enter i don't know if you remember i thought he wasn't like real i thought it was like a statue or something i was like i didn't realize we'd actually get to walk among them but i remember we had like the bag of food and the kangaroo was just right there i was like oh that's cool and then it moved it's like oh holy shit and then like it looked at like us looked at our food like looked at us like hey if you think you're going by me you're gonna pay the toll it's like what

did you just say to me telepathically so i gave it food and then it like stepped aside but it knew it knew if you had the bag of food it knew knew what the bag looked like. I think you said that out loud, just like with the bird poop. Every story, everything in Wade's life, he can't think inside his own head. He thinks out loud. Well, I didn't say it. I think the kangaroo said it. No, you said it. You said it.

There's a shaky phone video of you really zoomed in going like, hey, you guys, give me that food. That would be a hell of a prank if there's like a bush you could hide behind as people came in and you were just like hey yeah yeah me over here i'm talking to you give me that food you just bought who would believe you you would believe it you what you do is you take a bluetooth speaker and you hide it in the kangaroo's pouch so the sound comes right out of the kangaroo. You look at the pouch where you hear the sound. My eyes are up here. I'm talking.

No, you hear voices. It's like, help, I'm trapped in here. Get me out. We got to go back to Australia just to do this. Dude, there's so many fun kangaroo bits to do. I didn't take advantage. Dude, kangaroos are the best. Who knew that would be? Let's all start with bird shit.

Who knew? Kangaroos are also like scary though. You know that video of the kangaroos like holding the dog and it's just kind of like, yeah. And the guy like runs up and it's just like, and punches him in the face. And the kangaroo lets the dog go. And it's just like, so what? What?

But he's like jacked. He looks like he could kill the guy if he wanted to. Mark, you and amy come across a kangaroo like that in australia like stood up and like flexed at you all none that you guys wouldn't have seen weren't you there with us well no we were there at the same time i think we we like kind of split up and dispersed after a while i have no idea we we were broken up by the kangaroos when the herd rolled in very like jurassic park with the t-Rex coming in. And they all hop at once. I swear one of you showed us a photo of like a kangaroo that like stood up and just like flexed at you.

That's just how they look, you know. They walk around normally, but then when they see that you're trying to take a picture, they hit you with the... They gotta show you the ripples. I don't have much small talk because I guess we don't have a lot of time for it. This guy took it all up. But I do have a news story that you guys probably will... Breaking news!

Breaking news! So, are you sitting down? Hope so. Yeah, definitely. You guys aren't just doing a wall sit right there? I'm just doing a squat at my desk. Would you like me to stand? No, no, sit, sit, sit.

All right. Quote, I'm on a mission I have to complete. End quote. Man accused of trying to break into residential homes, masturbating on porches, tells judge he must continue or else i'm waiting for the punchline well i haven't read the story yet so we're really gonna explore this one the world will end if i don't get to finish then we're all finished that's good that's good all right this is from lawandcrime.com written by jerry lambie uh so a 60 year old michigan man with a history of sex-related crimes is facing a possible life sentence after he

was caught on surveillance cameras attempting to break into several homes in a residential area and masturbating outside of at least one of them at least least. That's such a good detail. I'm glad. It sounds like he's prepared to serve hard time. Anyway, the man who did himself no favors when he interrupted a judge during his first court appearance this week to seemingly defend his actions was taken into custody on Thursday and charged with three counts of first degree attempted home invasion and one count of indecent exposure by a sexually delinquent person. He's a habitual felony, fourth offender, which means his

sentence could be drastically enhanced if he's convicted. There's a quote here from the prosecutor which we don't care about because the real quote that we want to hear is the man saying, quote, to the judge during his arraignment if you let me go i'll jack off on more porches is that supposed to entice the judge to let him go or is he saying please lock me up i just love the the vision of this guy be like uh your honor may i approach the bench no no sir what well look i don't want to brag but if you let me go i will masturbate on more porches so what if this is part of his plan what if he's already hit all of the houses that didn't have cameras needed the camera ones last

and his final act needs to be like in the jail or in the prison. So he's setting himself up to be incarcerated to finish his mission. Look, I don't even know what his mission is. Finish it. All right. Uh, well, his neighbor said,

you know, commenting on the situation that, uh, the man's alleged conduct alleged, uh, is not something you really want to think that people do because of how scary it is. Masturbation or breaking into homes. Cause the second one seems scary. The first one's no clarity really i know this this sounds like

allegedly he broke the law and he's facing legal trouble but i think this guy is really going to face the music when all the condo payments start showing up it is a mailbox did that take a second till do we get get it? Do we get that? Okay. I thought you, like, didn't... Okay, well... The man interrupted the judge during his arraignment to inform the court that he should be released from jail so he could continue his mission. Quote, Your Honor, if I can interrupt you...

If I may. If I may. I'm on a mission I have to complete by year's end, the man said in a video provided by Detroit Fox affiliate WJBK quote being tethered that's the end of the quote he just ominously said after I have a mission to complete by year's end being tethered dot dot dot it's just like a spotty Skype call like I was on video and he was like being tethered outside and then and the guy the reporter was just like, end quote, I guess.

If I don't giant meteor volcanic eruption come. Okay. Thank you, Your Honor. He doesn't drive a Porsche Cayman. He drives a Porsche Cummins. He's being detained on a half a million dollar bond some of the information that came forward to our detective is very alarming and what his motives were and what he was attempting to do dot dot dot man these guys leave a lot in the ellipses holy it's like that brian reagan joke

what uh there's a i wrote what was it read a pamphlet on world war ii adolf hitler was denied his application to art school dot dot dot one thing led to another like man they're letting that carry a lot of work in this story yeah i'm not joking either it's like and what his motives were and what he was attempting to do. Dot, dot, dot. We're happy he's in Macomb County Jail. And happy he was given half a million dollar bond. He had like a hundred word limit for this article, so he had to cut stuff out. It's like they have a really strict editor who's like, don't accuse him. Okay, don't sensationalize this.

Don't accuse him of things. And so the reporter's like, what was he doing? Was it bad? Just imagine. You imagine. I i can't say it but you imagine i imagine the video evidence too they show the video evidence it's just like all blacked out but like you see like his eye or something it's like his eye you can tell what he's doing because he's his eyes are going uh authorities urged anyone with information regarding the man's alleged contact contact to conduct to contact the sheriff's office oh tongue twister so they don't know and they need

to know what this man has allegedly done i might be wrong on this and i want to put this to you guys as just a test of of where i'm at mentally it said and i feel like people react this way a lot it said his conduct was scary i'm not gonna say that it was acceptable but if i opened my door and a stranger was just standing on my stoop jerking off i don't know that fear would be the emotion i feel like i would laugh or i would just be like hey get out of here whoa like it probably depends if you're like i don't know smaller than him we also don't know what he looks like it could be like big buff scary that's true or we established previously according to that one movie hereditary naked people are scary

yes yeah that's true is he it's hitting you with the hereditary pose all those damn kids are playing ding dong ditch again you turn on your camera there's just a naked man staring at the camera like it's not his arms aren't moving but his dick is jacking itself off somehow his arms are just by his side he's doing the hereditary he's just like but his dick is just like going at it like what oh god that would be scary you know what that's unsettling i would hate that i would hate that a lot. It blocks out the camera, but never mind. Let's move on.

This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection, free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH balancing minerals and crafted with skin conditioning oils. But, well, speaking of, I guess guess news stories posted on the internet i want today i want to talk about i found this thing i found a review of the distractible podcast okay it's a review of us this is from thepodcasting.org are we supposed to look at this or not look at this you can look it up if you want if you google now i I'll enjoy the sensations being poured upon me. If you want to Google it, it's on thepodcasting.org.

It's just this distractible podcast review. It just, this is an excerpt of it. I don't want to read you the whole thing, but one of the paragraphs in the middle part of the review just reads, Humor is a cornerstone of the distractible podcast and it's where Mark, Wade, and Bob truly excel. Their witty banter, clever observations, and infectious laughter makes each episode a joyous experience.

They masterfully blend self-deprecating humor with sharp comedic timing, ensuring that even the most mundane topics become un-proriously funny. Sorry, I don't read so good. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't know if that's enough, but do, blah, blah, blah. I don't know if that's enough, but do you, do you, does that sound at all weird to you? Do you spot anything odd about this yet? No, I didn't. No, I don't think so. Okay. Well then it's, it's, it's successful so far. Okay. Uh, here's another excerpt. Beyond the laughter and entertainment,

Distractible also offers moments of thoughtful reflection. Mark, Wade, and Bob often delve into deeper topics, sharing their perspectives and insights on life, relationships, and personal growth. These introspective discussions add a layer of depth to the podcast, creating a well-rounded listening experience. Ignoring the fact that this is a glowingly positive review, which is always nice to get. I can't. I love those. Is there anything about the genericness of the language in this that

stands out to you yet or nah not really they use my name it's not too generic i think that's pretty uh pretty real okay interesting interesting uh well so this this is a relatively long review those are just a couple excerpts okay this is setting up the the thing okay so that sounds like a not very like not entirely insightful, but totally normal review, right? At the end of this review, but right before the conclusion is a list of the top 10 best episodes of Distractible. Oh, good. And I just want to read you some of these titles so you could think about these episodes and remember, you know, what we talked about and stuff. Number one on the top 10 list,

the episode titled the great waffle debate. Mark, Wade and Bob engage in a passionate and hilarious discussion about the best way to eat waffles, sparking a friendly rivalry among them. We never did that. The second best episode entitled the Mystery of the Lost Sock. The hosts share their experiences and theories about the enigmatic phenomenon of missing socks, exploring various conspiracy theories with humor and wit.

Well, I need to write these down so we can have these for later. Yeah, well, you might want to pull up the website because we are going to be referencing these. Let me just say my favorite one. The 10th episode on this list is my favorite one and the title of the episode the 10th best episode of our podcast is the curious world of conspiracy theories exploring the realm of conspiracy theories the hosts discuss popular bizarre theories with a mix of skepticism and amusement blah blah blah blah blah if it's not clear and knowing you're not losing your minds none of these are real episodes of our podcast. What did we title our conspiracy theory episode?

It was pretty close to that. So I was like, huh? It was something like that. It was like the lost sock and the great waffle debate. I was like, we did bread. We do waffles. There's one titled the peculiar world of dreams, which sounds stunningly like dreams and nightmares, but not quite the same.

And also the Unfortunate Events Chronicles, which the summary of which basically sounds like the hold my beer episode, because it says from embarrassing moments to awkward counters, the hosts recount their most unfortunate and cringe worth. This article is written by AI is the punchline. Yeah, I was figuring that by the titles of the episodes and so the i read the excerpts of the writing to prove that you can't immediately tell like if you read the whole thing it has that vibe of like this is either written by someone who just could not fucking care less about this podcast or an ai because it's a lot of generic like oh they're

the humor is punctuated by moments of deep interest. I thought they were just a big fan. I was blinded by the lights. Yeah, well, I'm not going to poo-poo a positive review. But I do think, I feel bad that this AI likes all these episodes and they don't exist. Well, they do to it. Well, what I wanted to do was run down this AI writer's top 10 favorite episodes and just give little snippets from each of these episodes so that it can hold on to that. You know, if this AI becomes sentient, I want to give it a little something to enjoy in

life, you know? So one, have you guys seen these websites? I don't talk shit about the podcasting.orgorg but a lot of this website seems to be vomited out ai written stuff like this where it's like if you just google something this might come up because they have an article covering that podcast even though it's just some uninteresting ai written thing have you is it is this a common thing that you guys see because i feel like i see this more and more and more i only search for random websites when we're doing this show. Otherwise, it's like I've got what? ESPN, Twitter, Gmail.

Never, never like read like world events or news or anything. Well, I do. But, you know, I don't go Googling it. I don't think anybody actually searched for that kind of stuff on a regular basis. Well, I say, but, you know, but yeah, I imagine it's happening more and more all the time. I would agree with that. And I figured we talked so much about AI on this show.

I thought we could do something nice for it. OK, so if you guys are into it, I would like to just instigate, I don't know, maybe a couple of minutes, just a little snippet of each episode. We've got 10 episodes here.

If it gets too long, we can we can skip some of them. Just, you know, just so that this one, so that this review holds more weight because it's incredibly positive. This review could not ride our dicks any harder if it wanted to. I wish it would try. Yeah, I want to see that.

I mean, maybe this will encourage it. Maybe this is the carrot on the stick that the AI needs to try even harder to love us. Give me a porch, the lost sock, and a positive review, and I'm having the time of my life. Well, and some of these are kind of our episodes. We could just credit those. Like the conspiracy one. We have two conspiracy episodes. We should just, you know, maybe we should change the title of one of them to fit this

one. Well, we are getting paranoider. We are increasing in age count number. Yeah, sure. Where do you want to start with, Bob? Well, let's work our way up. Let's start with number 10 10 the curious world of conspiracy theories so we're we're doing these just drop the needle right in the middle of the episode just

give the give them a little snippet jfk's twin brother did it and jfk is really okay because he shot his own twin brother uh marilyn monroe is a sleeper agent from portugal Ohio. Oh, Portugal, Ohio. It's a famous town north of Ohioans will know it, but it's not well known outside of the nation state of Ohio. Marilyn Monroe, Ohio. Kind of in the name. The entire cave network is actually where the mole people live. That's actually a real one. Mole people, actually mice. I heard that Howard Stern doesn't actually have teeth and that it's just an optical illusion

because of the shape and unnaturally reflective qualities of his gummy mouth. I hear he's not really actually very stern. He's more lenient. Yeah. Actually born Howard Lenient, but he took a stage name that had a little more presence. You're going to take me seriously, mom. You guys won't think I'm cool.

Now listen, Mrs. Lenient. I think we both know you're going to blow over like a leaf in the breeze on this one. The moon used to have a full head of hair. And funny enough, the sun, the backside, you know how the sun rotates and is always facing us? The backside actually has a butt crack. Ah. That's where the solar flares come out.

Ah, I see. I see. Yeah, that's why we don't get blasted out of existence. All the solar flares have to curve around to make their way over to where we are. Um, we, we write positive reviews for ourselves so when people look up Distractable, they will think that we're actually funny. Ooh, that's a racket.

How many websites can we create and how many positive AI reviews can we populate into those websites? I mean, as many as your imagination desires. Six? Seven. Oh. That's just the right amount Six or seven

No you're right You're right Seven You're right It should be seven I should have I should have thought of that Alright

No that's enough Conspiracy theories I want to move on To our ninth best episode The art of procrastination We'll do that one last Let's pull that one off Oh good idea

Number eight For the perfect pizza what toppings crust styles what are our preferences and it's got to be keep it lighthearted keep it lighthearted keep it lighthearted i think the best and only topping you need for pizza is pineapple i don't even want sauce or cheese i want dough with pineapple on it i don't even think you need that all you need is love and if you eat that it's basically like having a pizza and it will fill you up i think people sleep on the sauce um sauce is literally or figuratively figuratively if you sleep on the sauce and then you cook it figuratively light-hearted light-hearted figuratively um is wait so is eating love is that like when you show your butthole to the sun and it energizes

you oh i'm sorry hello wait a minute but you know pizza sorry figuratively figuratively i think my mom watches this show i'm'm sorry, mom. In conclusion, pineapple pizza, bad, good. Who knows? Not us. All right, number seven, The Great Pet Adventure. This is another one that we absolutely have done before. We've told pet stories and stuff, but like, you know, what's Chica done lately? I mean, not much.

She kind of just lays there with no legs and all. Yeah. Oh, it is hard. She doesn't get out much. Keter's leaps through the obstacle course I have built to get down to the basement to shit right outside my office door. And no matter what I do, I can't get him to stop. You should talk to those guys who made that show Wipeout because they had really hard

obstacle courses. I probably could just install a pool instead of a floor to swim to my office swim up desk i've always wanted that and just starting right now but always before then probably in my heart i wanted that that actually is not a bad idea it's the next level of hot tub streams have a hot tub stream you have pool podcast cool podcast pp the poo poo distract the pool we can start our own pool company and you can get the distract the pool back to the back to the pets did i tell you guys lexi escaped forever no she came well we found her and we took her back but she almost escaped our grasps no how far did she go she crossed a major road and was a little over a mile away from our house she she wandered across the road

and some other people just like saw her and she's and caught and we're like hey and she went up to them and was like hello new family and they just had her but like she straight someone left the gate to our side yard open and she straight up just left and escaped that's she's a little dog that's a long way for a little dog to wander yeah that's crazy yeah it was awful we i i've i haven't run that far since i was playing sports in high school i literally jogged around our neighborhood back and forth like spreading out in an arc trying to it was how long was she gone maybe two hours maybe an hour and a half that's still very scary it felt like forever because i was just out like jogging walking back and forth the whole time but it wasn't like overnight or anything but it was she went way far away it was not good that reminds me of something that occurred what's going what are you looking at

you just like glitched in the matrix it was like mark.ai was crashing yeah no hey mark's been replaced guys that was very weird uh what do you mean it was like the the dude who tells the power rangers what their like objective is just like the face continue your story ai mark when we were filming unis honest and the after the pepper spray video we went home and we were driving back and we were on the highway and we noticed that there was a dog on the side of the highway and so us me and ethan uh recovering from pepper spray we asked amy who was driving to pull over uh and then we sprinted down the highway after this dog and this dog never wanted to be in the highway more it like then when we were trying to prevent it from getting in the highway it was uh it was running

in the side on the the median there and we're like oh someone's dog we we should go get us we pulled over and we go right after it and it just like was like it looked at us and went even faster and then it went into the lanes and people were like slamming brakes. And every single second we're like, it's dead. Oh God. And we're like, and then it walked around the other side and we're like, Jesus Christ, Bobby, please like come to us or just go that way. Cause there's grass over here.

It's not a highway. That's like completely just a big wall. There was a little bit of like a grassy area on the side and we're running and we're running and we're like we're gonna people are gonna we're gonna be on the fucking news two maniacs chase dog into traffic i was like jesus christ this this is it and we chased it all the way up the on-ramp back into like residential streets and we lost sight of it but at least it was in a neighborhood so yeah that's not good that's not good but at least it was off a neighborhood. So, yeah. That's not good. That's not good.

But at least it was off the highway. Like, we didn't actually catch up to it because that little dog was fast. Well, yeah. Even a not very fast dog is so much fucking faster than a human. It's ridiculous. Yeah. So, yeah. And meanwhile, we're, like, both, like, our skin, our eyes. Because as we're running, we're still, like, we were we were still like in the aftershocks of being pepper sprayed.

So we're running down the highway and we're just like, oh, that video was rough. That looked really, really awful. That's up there. That was up there for bad. I'm going to count that. Good job saving that dog, you guys. Thanks. Probably.

I think you saved it. Probably. It probably learned its lesson after that And ran straight back home Oh for sure Probably Number six The unfortunate events chronicles Embarrassing moments awkward encounters

Most unfortunate and cringe worthy experiences But keep it relatable Just cringe? Uh awkward cringe I you know I had an upset stomach once And I was at this party in college and I was just like not feeling well, but I, you know, and it wasn't like I was gonna like shit my pants or anything, but I was just like gassy.

I thought I would be cool about it and just like sneak outside. Like I was going to go, I don't know, like go out back on the porch or whatever. And I thought I'd be cool and just sneak outside and like rip a huge fart and then sneak back in. Mm-hmm. And, uh, I, well, I just like peeked out the door, closed the door behind me and i thought i'd be cool and just sneak outside like rip a huge fart and then sneak back in and uh i well i just like peeked out the door closed the door behind me and i thought i was alone and literally just like like my soul left my body through my butt okay and as i finished the fart and had a look of like on my face i'm sure couple of guys who were like out back smoking just around the corner, 10 feet away, like walked around. Exploded.

Their cigarette, they went. Boom. I wish because they had to. They didn't acknowledge me or anything, but I was standing just outside the door and they like walked up and like turned sideways and shimmied past me back into the door. Well, I just stood there just like, ah, I guess I'm going home now. I can't hang out with these people anymore. I had a guy on the basketball team when I was in junior high who played for the school who didn't like me very much. And like we there was nothing that ever really happened, but he was just always kind of addicted to me and uh i hadn't seen him for like a while i think it was

like after summer break we'd uh we're playing basketball again and he walked up and he like hey man how's it going he like raises his hand for like a high five and a hug and i'm like well that's weird but like you know if he wants to clear the air i guess i'll go so i went with it it turns out he was talking to somebody I didn't know was behind me to my right. So I went over to give him the high five and like the other dude and him both just like kind of mesh over away from me. And then they both look at me like, what the fuck, man? I didn't know what to say. So I just kept walking and I just left because it was just so fucking horribly awkward. One of like the three high school cringe things that happened.

What a series of unfortunate events great chronicling of it uh man i mean i i my whole life was cringe um what should i talk about first pick a playlist god you guys can stop laughing anytime usually it's like a couple little chuckles what the fuck is that it's my real laugh

leaking out sorry that's what that guy who's jerking off on porches did outside people's doors this is not apropos of anything but have you guys ever seen the video of the tv show where they just got a bunch of people who all have very funny laughs all in the same room together no i haven't seen that it's it's like a spanish it's in spanish or some language i don't speak or recognize and it's literally just like eight people sitting in chairs in like a talk show. And the host is just like, hey, so you guys all laugh real weird.

And they're all kind of like, OK. But one dude is like. And then once one of them laughs, it triggers the whole one. So one dude is just like. And then all these noises start happening and it's like whoa they do laugh weird you're right guys this is mean like it's just the most unique laughs i've ever heard and everyone once one guy starts laughing they like they all react to each other's laughs because it's like whoa you laugh weird too it's like it's really it feels really mean but it's really

fucking funny i have a couple of family members that have very unique laughs that they're kind of embarrassed about but it's that thing where they start laughing you can't help but laugh because it's just so funny uh man do one i can't i can't imitate i i have tried i cannot imitate i think you made him up i didn't die all your family members are dead we did we don know. We're back in the curious conspiracy corner here, Wade, making up family stories. No, I don't want to call out which family member it is, but they have a very, very unique laugh. You don't have to say who it is. You just have to do the laugh.

I can't. I cannot make the noise. Describe it. Take Tyler's laugh, make it a little bit more high-pitched. You know when Tyler, like, loses his shit in, like, goose calls? No, I don't. Give me an example. Describe it. How do you goose call like that?

Fucking one of you all. There's video evidence of us in the same room with that. Oh, there's a video? Is that true? Describe it. Yeah, the holiday charity stream we did at, like, my house. Yeah, redo. Redo the video. Okay, me. Hat curled up tyler water bottle one of you put a water bottle in my hat me turns my head water bottle swings down slaps me in

the head tyler i can't fucking do this goddamn thing i can't do it all right everyone clip that and send that to Tyler. Put that in the go. Put that in the go. Tyler gets so mad. He's like, did you talk about me on the podcast again? It's like, no, no, Tyler, I didn't. Wade talks so much shit about Tyler on this podcast.

Oh my God. Yeah, I heard him talk shit just a few seconds ago. It was crazy. Mark and I are constantly like, whoa, man, we're all friends. Be cool. And Wade is like, no, this is where I vent. This is where I get it out, guys.'s vent corner a new podcast uh staple oh man that should be your episode if you win it's only ever about tyler all right look okay we're burning a lot of time here i would like you each to pick one that you want to do i don't remember what they are i will tell

you the last the top five episodes that this ai was all about each of you pick one and we'll do those as the as the finale procrastination when we now let's put that one off again yeah we should put that off for later okay definitely we'll do it we'll do that next episode um number five the peculiar world of dreams number four the case of the vanishing keys number three adventures in online shopping number, the mystery of the lost sock. And number one, the great waffle debate. I'm gonna go with the dreams one. No, I'll go with the waffle debate.

Wade, you spoke up first. Let's do the dreams. Peculiar world of dreams. Okay, it's like I've always heard. You need to be introspective of your dreams. Examine your nightmares. I'm going to outthink you. One of those things I always said.

You're going to outthink us about what? About your dreams? When it comes to being introspective of our dreams or examining our nightmares, I'm going to outthink you. It's a competitive mind exercise that helps you coitus your opponent. Coitus your opponent? Yeah. Wait, like coitus your opponent. Coitus your opponent? Yeah. Wait, like coitus your dreams, coitus your nightmares?

Dream theory in and of itself is fascinating, right? Like our dreams, just like bits of what we experience throughout the day, like being spat out, recycled, and then like we kind of play some of the highlights as we're going to bed. Is it deep inner thoughts? Is it a window into other universes and other

versions of us? Like, what are dreams and nightmares? You know, there's tons of questions. I think science has answered that question pretty conclusively. Well, if you trust science. Not everyone does. I trust science. Dreams are our innermost

thoughts manifesting themselves. Case closed. End of discussion. That's exactly what they are. They mean very specific things and can always be deciphered. You should follow along closely. Learn the themes of your dreams and you'll learn the themes of your life. That's what I always say. You say that you'll outthink me, but I say that you need to be reflective upon all of your dreams because they represent what you truly desire in the world.

And I am going to out-reflect you. I'm going to be like your head. I'm going to reflect everything that comes my way this got real personal i thought it was competitive i thought we were being competitive i was i was explaining that that sounds like what a loser would say good win bob all right let me tell you about waffles there's a lot of like people that talk about which waffles best um and the true answer is none of them. Waffles are an inferior form of breakfast pancakes. Oh, come on.

No, you're not a pancake. Pancakes are superior in every way. The only thing that waffles are good for is holding the syrup. But to be perfectly honest, who wants a waffle over a good old fashioned pancake? Me. Me. Well, you're both wrong. Also, I'm pretty sure science has conclusively answered this question about waffles.

The best waffle is a fresh one just out of the iron, obviously. Okay, well, who really trusts science? I trust science. I don't trust science. I don't think I've ever trusted science, actually. Is that why you hate the moon, you bastard? A. James McCarthy is not the moon. Just because I hate a man doesn't mean I hate the moon, you bastard? A. James McCarthy is not the moon.

Just because I hate a man doesn't mean I hate the moon. Just because you give the moon a name like a man doesn't mean it's not the moon. Exactly. What? Exactly. Waffles are good. Nah, but pancakes are better. So it doesn't matter what kind of crappy waffle you have.

Hey, Mark, wait, Mark, question. Yeah, what's up? Theoretical, you know how they make waffle makers? I had one when i was a kid that was like looney tunes right sure it was like the looney tunes logo often those waffle makers don't give you the deep crispy like belgian waffle style waffles they give you like a very pancakey waffle because putting an image into a waffle you get rid of a lot of sharp corners and stuff right sure will you submit that pancake-y waffles with novelty logos on them are the best of both worlds because you get a little bit more syrup but you don't have the drawback of the crispy crunchy

waffle all the way plus you could have like darth vader on your waffles or something given that i've never tried this before i can't say in also, well, this brings up an excellent topic and I'm glad you did it. The syrup debate is non-existence because if you put syrup in the waffle holes, you got too much syrup. The proper way to apply syrup to any kind of breakfast treat like that

is not to apply it at all. It's to dip it and you tear apart your pancakes, you dip it in the syrup so you get exactly the amount of syrup that you want pouring syrup on your breakfast item is an inferior way to consume the syrup i disagree i like it when it's soaked up in there and you have more of the syrup inside then you like also dip it before you it's like you put the syrup on you cut it up then you also dip the bite after some is soaked in to get even more syrup and you take that bite.

Oh, it's so good. The thing about the syrup sitting pooling in the waffle crevices is that you can create the perfect ratio. The perfect way to do pancakes and waffles is to have the right ratio of butter and syrup. And you can't really control the butter ratio very well on a pancake because the butter literally runs off. It mixes with the dipping syrup, but then you have to be so careful to get the right ratio. If you do it correctly and you put the butter on a waffle first, and then you

fill it to the top with syrup, you can get the exact right ratio every single time. It's literally science. Applying butter after the pancake has been cooked is a fool's errand. The only butter that should be applied to the pancake is when it was being cooked because you buttered the pan you do not need to apply butter onto a pancake i think that is a barbaric i have never buttered a pancake but i do butter waffles however my favorite pancake is actually like actually like a chocolate chip pancake that you put like whipped cream on it's not like a standard syrup pancake that's just cake just to have cake yeah what's wrong with you That's just cake you made in a pan That's not breakfast at all Breakfast should be chewy

Look at this I don't know what muscle I'm pulling to create this crease But that's what you pulled out of me You get the omelette You get your ham and cheese or whatever You get your omelette, your bacon, your eggs, all that You eat an omelette and pancakes You monster

The pancakes are the dessert Pancakes is an entire ass breakfast Well I prefer a waffle over the pancakes You eat an omelet and pancakes, you monster? The pancakes are the dessert. Pancakes is an entire ass breakfast. Well, I prefer a waffle over the pancakes, so I wouldn't get pancakes for breakfast anyway unless I didn't have waffle. It's either waffle or an omelet, and then you get the little... The whole concept of having... It basically is a dessert, and the whole concept of having these incredibly sweet things for breakfast is a terrible practice to begin with.

I think we've agreed and disagreed with each other a lot in the last few minutes, figuratively or whatever the word was we were supposed to be being nice to each other. Keep it lighthearted. Lighthearted. Waffles suck. Alright, listen. That's the end. I don't like this conversation. I'm questioning whether we should even make another episode

of this show at this point. I have concerns about both of you. Mark, your answers are wrong, and I don't like that. You're just subjectively wrong. Terrible, terrible answers. Every new piece of information you added to the discussion was just way off base. But Mark, as much as I don't agree with you and I think your answers are wrong, Wade, your answers were terrible is that

better or worse than wrong lightheartedly you've never buttered a pancake you eat a whole omelet and then a stack of pancakes certain breakfast places you get both you get like a side of pancakes afterward it's like why would i get regular pancakes but i can get the chocolate chip don't want to be on mark's side but you're making me be on mark's side you forced me to say that the winner of the great waffle debate as well as the winner of this actual episode let's go get some breakfast i'll show you the way come on you're an ohio guy now let's go i mean it's eight o'clock at night but i would go for some breakfast honestly but we have to finish this right now so mark congratulations i guess you, I guess. You're wrong. You're wrong.

You could not be more wrong than you are, but that doesn't negate the fact that you are a winner. No, no, it should. Come on, me. Thank you very much. I appreciate this. And, you know, I do know that this doesn't automatically make all my opinions valid, and I recognize that. But when I host the next episode, I will thereby make my opinions valid, and so I appreciate you giving me this win.

You can make your opinions valid, but that doesn't change the objective fact that you're just actually wrong. I will change fact. You're welcome to hold wrong opinions, Mark. Thank you. Wade, would you like to give your loser speech? I should have had this win at porch coming and everything after that was the cherry on top and i really feel like you missed the ball

dropped the ball missed the mark buttered the flute all those things um but you shouldn't have had therefore done uh ellipses for the rest of my speech porch coming felt like stepping on my toes a little bit because i made the if i don't finish we're all finished joke and then you followed up with another porch masturbation joke that is uh arguably better than mine yeah uh i don't like that i found that off-putting and offensive and that's why i had to make you the loser i'm sorry but it was light-hearted it was light-hearted and honestly way funnier than mine uh but i can't have that as the host. That's unacceptable. Anyway, thank you, listeners, for listening.

Watchers, thank you for watching. If you didn't watch, don't forget you can watch a video of this podcast. Every episode is video only on Spotify. It's free on Spotify. You just have to go to Spotify and the video is right there to watch. Yeah, thanks, competitors, for competiting. Competing, that's the word. Mark, congratulations.

Yeah, thanks, competitors, for competiting. Competing, that's the word. Mark, congratulations. Check out Mark at MarkPlyerWade at LordMinion777 or Minion777. I am MySkirm online. Make sure you follow, and you'll get notifications every time. There's, like, three episodes a week these days, because we're having bonus episodes come out,

and those are probably going to keep cranking out. There's so much content. So enjoy that. And please come back. And I'm glad we could make that AI's dreams come true. And now we're done with that. And we never have to do it again. I'm very sorry. Podcast out. The procrastination one.

We'll do it later. We'll do it later. Yeah.