Distractible - Best of "Guam" (Compilation)

Episode Date: March 8, 2026

PUT THIS COMPILATION IN GUAM! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Whether it's with your besties or date night, get to all the hottest concerts with GoTransit. Go connects to all the biggest entertainment venues and makes it affordable with special e-ticket fares. A weekend pass offers unlimited travel across the network on any weekend day or holiday for just $10. A weekday group pass offers the same weekday travel flexibility from $30 for two people up to $60 for five.

So no matter what day of the week, Go's got you covered. Find out more at goadransit.com slash tickets. episode of Distractable is present to you by T-Mobile 5G home internet. The folks over at T-Mobile have some big news for you. They now have the fastest 5G home internet, according to the experts at Ucla Speed Test. If you want the fastest 5G speeds with a five-year price guarantee, visit t-mobile.com slash home internet to check availability.

Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on Ucla speed test. Intelligence data second half 2025. All rights reserved. Guam. Guam! Gwam! Guam!

Guam! Guam! Guam! Guam! I'm here in Guam! What are you doing right now? Some stupid. Yeah, I agree.

I'm getting out of here. Let's leave. You and me Wade, 3, 2, 1. Over and Leaves first wins. Wade is clearly right there. Neither are few left. Editors! Send me to Guam!

What's Guam look like? I'm in Guam! Put me in Guam. You have no idea. with that, why do you look like you're underwater? I don't think Guam is underwater. I'm making Guam! Look at all this, Guam! Is that offensive? No idea, probably. I feel offended. You know, to be fair to Mark, I looked up Guam and the first image was a beach.

Oh, pretty close. Guam is a U.S. island territory in Micronesia. Because I know there's a military, a lot of military presence in, and John, who was on an aircraft carrier, they would dock there, and that's actually where he spent all of COVID. Oh, these guys are, they know the future. Guam's World War III significant. Oh wait, that's two. That's two. I can read. Wait, no, read that article.

It was there for a blip. Yeah, you gotta remember it. Guam's World War III significance is on view and coming soon. Oh, God. I made that last part of it. Oh, I thought it was not a boob. North American boobs. Woo!

Yeah, American boob. Editors, black out his camera for a little bit. No, I was going to say editors. Snip that out and send it to Molly. American boobs Molly let me feed Yeah okay Now black screen blackout Wade

And Mark and I will just talk for a minute Fade me out fade me out All right perfect I'll be worth it All right anyway So Bob listeners there's nothing you're missing I swear to God There's no reason to be any kind of upset

Where your shoulder's still in shot Wade you can come back now Whoa That's cool All right Well you can't tell because I just finished a level but I was playing flow free you know this is the bridges one we like go over and under the bridges what is that are you sponsored by these mobile games like I

don't know no they don't like me hey everyone welcome back to another episode of distractible where I am here keep it on camera one on me on me and are my co-hosts are here they've been here this whole time I was here I never left frame I was just turning on my beautiful light Be fair, I didn't know what you were doing, so I was covered for you. Guess who's in Guam? Me? Oh, oh, editors, wait. It's like a lifetime license, and it's like, yeah.

So over my entire life, I would have probably never use all the sounds in there. But man, I got to get it this time. Could just start putting extra sounds into videos and stuff just because you got them. Yeah. I mean, that's basically what we do in YouTube and hear on editors, hit them with all your sound effects. Whoa Hawk Oh wow

Easy there Now my fade out sound I don't think Now my fade in sound A bunch of guys More than Two There he goes

Oh wow I'm glad he's gone I hope he never comes back I don't think Mark has gotten more than a quarter of a sentence out of his mouth without way just jumping in on something. A bunch of dudes

who before the FDA was the FDA spent years, and I mean years, eating food with a bunch of things that they thought was deadly, but they didn't know for sure. Any kind of chain, any amount, any

configuration, and those things can do random-ass things to biology, and who knows what they can do? They could do nothing. Most of them just do nothing because your body just like doesn't even interface with it urgent. So F.E. could be, oh, no. Bob, did you get that one? F.E is iron? Oh, no. I'm saying it's bad if you, I don't know. I don't know. Wait, disappear for a second. I need to talk to Bob. Disappear for a second. I got to

piece off for a second. So Bob, was that a smart joke that he made or was that? I think the concept was good, but then he, the punchline was confusing. It's still funny to me. I'm so glad that staying through the whole episode. You reach this apex where somehow you have found success and you have money. My God, that's me. Now Bob's gone. Editors, can you make the whole tub just blow up?

Cut up this person. Our highest produced episode ever. Now that you're done working on Iron Lung, we need the full editing team to blow up, Bartok's bathtub. Get an M80, get a green screen, go in your backyard. Film a practical explosion for our cinematic experience of a podcast. Listen, viewers, you're not, or listeners, you're not missing anything this episode. There's nothing you need to be watching for. There's nothing. Oh, wait. If you only guess within the 21st century, that'll probably help Mark a lot.

Probably. Look, it's like me trying to stay in Russia whenever we were playing that other game. That's true. I don't know how many times I told you it was all in the U.S. Yep. Put me in Guam! Oh, that was funny. I love that short. How's it going, everyone? Boys are back. Welcome to another episode of Distractable. Yay! I'm today's host, Wade, joined by Mark and Bob, who also faded in with me. How are you guys doing? Good!

I was trying to match the energy. Was that not the energy? I'm stupendous. That's good. Anything new? I might explode. Oh? I will give you 10 points if you explode randomly on camera. I don't know if edited it counts. Editors, can you make that bathtub markings us to be an explode again?

This episode is brought to you by T-Mobile 5G home internet. You already know that T-Mobile 5G home internet is ridiculously easy to set up with a price that doesn't feel like you're getting scammed every month, but here's something new worth noting. T-Mobile now is the fastest 5G home internet, according to the experts at Ucla Speed Test. No, seriously. Their 5G home internet speeds are officially the fastest, which means that when you're downloading all your movies that aren't mine, every single one except for mine, you'll get them at the fastest speeds possible,

along with all your video calls and uploading files and maybe even streaming something in the background, you know. And yeah, it is still a great value. Backed by a five-year price guarantee, so your bill doesn't slowly quickly. creep up when you're not paying attention. So if you want the fastest 5G home internet, with a simple setup and savings that actually stick, head over to t-mobile.com to check availability today. Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply, fastest based on ootl speed test intelligence data, second half 2025, all rights reserved. Let me explain it to you in a way you can understand. Editors, like, help me out with this one.

Pretend my head is your car. Editors now delete my head. Becaboo! That's your car. Well, I think the tweet was right. Wade's car's in the ocean. Editors, put Mark's head in the ocean. Look at all the Guam! Put me in Guam! I just, I don't know where it is. This is, you know, that thing that Mark was using to keep track of points?

It's an E-Inc writing tablet thingy, and there's a little marker on the side. This is the one that has color, obviously, that's the yellow. Also, I don't know what I just flashed on there. Editors make sure it's horrible. Put it in Guam. You influenced me and it's awesome. Anyway, I wonder. Shut up, shut up.

Shut up, the both of you. I'm not living any younger. I'm agreeing with you, Mark, you're right. Shut up, shut up. I'm not living any younger. Wait, disappear. Anyway, that was my car buying experience. It was fine.

It looks really smooth. Uh-huh. So we know this never happened. Okay. Because that's not how you got your car. It was on a boat that sank, you swam down to get it out, and you drove it out from Atlantis. I thought it was on a boat that sank. Thankfully, it was not. And someone on the subreddit will provide a picture that is just as realistic as yours of this occurrence that I'm describing.

So we won't know what to believe. Subreddit, get on that. Defend me. I've never said that before in my life. I don't know if you have. Specifically, subreddit, defend me. Maybe you haven't said, yeah. Subreddit, read round me.

So, Brett, put Wade's car in Guam. It's a convertible. All the Guam's getting in. It probably was. It probably was Guam. Isn't Guam a place? I think of Guacamole. Which one's which?

Oh, same thing. Sorry, Guam. Guam's going to be real pissed when they hear this. He called us guacamole. Wade called you guacamole. Just to be clear. Hey, actually, look, listen. We don't have to.

Oh, okay. Hang on. Okay. It's the next one after this current episode. I almost got handshuck. I wasn't listening. I didn't hear none of that. Bob, you want to do a deal?

All right, yeah, Mark's gone. Let's make a handshake deal. Editors, piece, Mark out. Fade him out. Oh, no. Yeah, Adam Savage is a bastard, and having tools with an armorye is dumb and also a little beta behavior, let's be honest.

Yeah, yeah, pretty much. Adam, we know you're a big fan of this show. I'm sorry. Well, we're not a big fan of this show. fan of you get out. Well, I don't know. Hey, I'm not with it. We all speak for each other here.

Editors put him on an island because he's alone. Put him in Guam! I'm here in Guam. I've said why Guam was the ocean. It's fine. It's not important. It's fine. The Lost City of Guam, also known as Atlantis, apparently. I have a counterpoint.

Oh yeah? I guess I should be going like this. Oh no. I should not do this towards myself. I want to throw this out there. What the fuck? Why do you have a knife? Oh, hi, Wade.

You missed out on a lot. I clearly did. We're in a knife fight right now. Well, don't worry. It won't matter because I'm the only one who matters here is the host. Uh, editors, put Wade between us, my left, Mark's right. Don't do it.

There's points on the line. You wouldn't, you shouldn't. Wait, are we stabbing the cricket? Should I step this way? Everywhere. All directions. Get them. It's all me.

Always has been. I'm cutting myself out of this podcast. I'm going to Guam. Bunk. Hi, Guam. I just did my office. I didn't go to Guam. Thought you guys could get away. Fire.

If I say warmer, it'll misguide you. So I'll say colder. Oh, fire's clearly hot, you idiot. You guys, you got me. You're right. You're like, fucking editors kill me. Editors kill him in Guam. I wish I had a day for games. One day you'll be your own boss and you can do what you want to do.

I hope so. It's almost done. right? Yeah, actually. I like how people on the suburbate are just sometimes like, if it's almost done like he says, like, what am I do? What do they think I'm doing? Jerking off.

In Cancun, it's Guam. Mini, mini, miney, mo. Let's go for a walk, boys. Oh man, I went early. He's going to know how to, he's going to know how to beat this. Yeah, look, look, here's my hobbit hole. Keep it up, Mark. He'll eventually play.

Hang on, I'll catch on. Hang on, wait. Do it again. You don't get to see what I got. I already rolled. Oh, he played E. Meaty Meaty Moby-Money-Moe, but with rock paper and scissors, it looks like. All right. Track this, editors. Peace me out.

Paper, you win. I'm going to put on the wheel up, preemptively, mentioned Mark's height the most. I'm winning. Wait, is that good, or do you lose a point for that one? We don't have many minus points, so let's make that a minus. That'll be a minus. Kind of like when our heights are compared Huh?

I don't know, just laugh No one's laughing Editors, no, please take the studio out of here Putnam in Guam Would you like me to do phone things? Can you look up what the origin of Buckpack is? We could transition this to a restaurant It didn't work, guys, it didn't work.

I brought it back, so I was the first callback, right? Mark accidentally pieced himself away editors. Mark needs to be invisible now. That's got to be a rule of the next counsel. If you ever make this, you have to disappear. If you happen to do this for some reason, you peace out. He excitedly wheeled around to try and catch the plans that I tossed, and he smacked his head on the wall of the jail and collapsed into a heap.

And then if in the background you see your trap-all- Dringer Walk down the whole jail To clarify, when you say wheeled around He's not in a wheelchair, is he? No, no, that's a phrase No, no, wheeled around, he was like Y-it, it means to turn around quickly, isn't it?

I just a picture of an intrape For some reason, a wheelchair. That's not funny, by the way, just All right, put Mark a glob. Put me a glove. Fortunately, I knew of one power that could give me out of this situation. and I raise one finger, first, this finger, and then I raise the other to the security camera,

and I say, editors, put me in Guam. The teleporter activates, and I zip out of there. Unfortunately, Guam is located at the deepest depths of the Mariana's trench, as far as I know, so I found myself trapped in the depths of the ocean. Fortunately, I was a live streamer who had a 24-7 stream going on, and my views were jumping like you wouldn't believe. All I had to do was escape Mariana's trench, and I would be cemented as better than Entrapo.

Unfortunately, due to some past misjudgments and misdeeds on my part, the only platform I was still allowed to stream on was X. Fortunately, after I failed my escape intent and died, Grock will be able to keep me alive in people's memories, escaping random bullshit nonsense forever. Thanks, AI. Editor's note, Grock did not actually help Mark in Guam. A little to you know.

He didn't help him in Guam. He just recreated his likeness so that he could live on forever. I feel like Grock's the no-butt of improv, isn't it? In a way, in a way, in a way, everyone needs that. Mark, you got points for Bistaka, McTriple? No, not that. Smorgasborg.

Look at all this Guam. Handsome point. Treaty of Westphalia. Tungsten. Full of cream. Devastation. Without everyone in it, only two to. Up my ass and kill me.

Fucking kill me. That's the episode. Congratulations, Wade. Thanks, man. Is this winter speech time? Yeah, I would like all you to inject your speeches with another disclaimer to not do anything that we're receiving. remotely, we weren't even suggesting it. It's all dumb. Yeah, if you research chemicals, then all right, that might be the worst winter speech I've ever heard in the history of this podcast.

Bob. You did it. You're the victor and I'll prove it to you by telling Wade to go ahead and give his loser speech already. Hurry up. And now the end is near and so I face my final curtain. My friends. No song lyrics. I lost. I'm over and I was funny. Peace. Anyway, that's it. Wade's gonna host the next one because he's a big gillionaire now because he wins the squid game. Thanks for playing, thanks for listening, thanks for watching, podcast out. And I'm dead! I'm dead in Guam! Put me floating in Guam!

Alright, alright, well thank you guys. That was it. Alright, there he goes. That was an entertaining episode. Bob goes from not even being here at the beginning of episode to taking it all. And I think that is... Hey, and Wade left. And Wade, now Wade's gone. It ends as it began.

Thank you, Bob, who is also known as Micegerm on YouTube and Twitch. Wade, thank you, Lord Minion 777, or Minion 777 on Twitch and YouTube. So thank you, everybody, so much for being a part of this podcast experience. Be sure to follow it, or we'll kill you. Have a good day. Podcast out. So any last words? Do we, what is the deal with this?

Are we like deleting our channels or how serious is this? Does loser deletes our channel? Yeah, a good feeling about this one. The last words, that what you said? Hmm? So those only listening, Wade made a peace sign. Which means, fade me out.

Can we have Little Lixian on the show or is that a your channel exclusive type deal? No, he goes wherever you watch. But you might have 50, 50, 50, 50, A good chance of getting lunky though. That's the danger. All right, that's your winner's speech. Bob.

Oh, it's really sad to see it all come to an end this way, but in a way it's also really good. We're back, we're full circle. Back where we started, eating chicken and dumplings like old times, more like the one old time anyway. Just wait for the next skit video on Not Mark's Chanty's, he's deleting it, called The Rise of Slender Man. We're going to smear peanut butter all over somebody's face, and they're going to be the king of the somethings. We'll work it out later. Anyway, editor is that this blow it all of it, so we're done. Podcast out.

Good Guam and Mark? Yeah, are we guam-in? What happens when I do, too? Do I go double-Gwam? You disappear from where you are and you reappear in Guam. Take me to double Guam. Wow.

Double-gwam. The editor is like, what the fuck does this? Civil Guam! All right, anyway, we're out of here. Peace. Podcast out. That's it.

I forgot.