Distractible - Best of Henry (Compilation)

Episode Date: December 1, 2025

A compilation dedicated to some of Henry's most memorable mentions from the podcast. Rest In Peace, Henry. Order now at pandaexpress.com or a store near you. Learn more at uber.com/onourway Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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It's time for Best of Henry. You guys know Henry, right? You've met Henry. Henry is a rescue. Has gone through a pretty traumatic past, was rescued, actually injured. But when we got him, he did not trust strangers. He especially did not trust men.

He was like really quiet, shy. Now, after years of work, because it does take a lot of work. But with love and attention and training, he's way smarter than Chica. Look, no insult to Chica, but Chica isn't exactly the brightest bulb in the drawer. But he is like so incredibly smart. Point in case, I have a video with audio that I would like to play for you guys right now. It is very adorable. Don't give me right.

This is very adorable. Listen to Henry. Adorable, right? He sounds excited or stressed? Yeah, excited. We just picked him up and we're taking him home, right? Very cute. It sounded like he was laughing and he was smiling and wagging the whole time.

So he's very happy. Now imagine that sound for 30 minutes straight. That gets annoying That was incredibly annoying And every minute or so He would sneeze all over the back of our heads And like shake and slobber all over us Like all these elements are incredibly annoying

However, wouldn't trade it for the world Love that dog Inside and Out There's no part that I would ever change about Henry Like just a fantastic dog Incredible, lovely Have I ever told you about Henry's piss oranges? No, I don't think so.

Well, there was an orange tree at a house we used to have a while back, and it was, you know, it made oranges every year. That was real. Didn't it make limes, if I recall? No. I'm pretty sure it made limes. Ethan told me that. Did you not remember that?

No, I don't remember it. There's an episode from, uh, from, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, unisanais where Ethan was real sad, and you guys were in the backyard, and he was just like, can I have one of these limes? And you're like, that's a, that's an orange tree. They're just, they're not. It's like, okay, I'm going to take a lime. I mean, you're just like, even those are oranges and they're not ready yet.

And he just takes one and he's like, hmm, wow, this lime doesn't taste very good. The bad limes, Mark. I don't remember that at all. It was like an extended bit. I bet it was. I bet it was. But Henry pissed on that tree a lot. No wonder they didn't taste so good.

They did. That's what I'm saying is those oranges tasted. amazing. And they tasted better. The better, the longer we were there. I'm not lying, not joking. It's probably not because of the piss. But what is a tree if not a big life straw? Filters out the piss. Dog pee kills grass, flavors orange. Breaking news. Yeah. I mean, orange, the juice is some kind of yellow. If I peed and it looked like orange juice, I'd be like, ah, close enough. I don't need to see a doctor about that. That's good. That's good. That's very good, actually. Plus, it smells

clean and fresh, or would it still smell like pee? I guess I don't know which way that goes. Uh, so, yeah, if you guys didn't know, L.A. is now a tropical rainforest. Uh, it rains non-stop here. It has been raining for, like, the past two days straight. It's going to keep raining

for another two days. And then this is right after the second, like, big, what do they call it, the rain channel floodway, the, the rain slipstream. The sky goosh. Yeah, sky goose. Yeah. Sky Ussie is opening up upon you. Yeah, so the drought was over two rainstorms ago, right?

Maybe three. It was over last year. It's still raining. The grass on the hill is so long that it's starting to weed its way over the roads. It's a lot of rain. That's weird. Yeah, it's actually quite strange. Because usually in L.A.

If it rains, all the plants are like, no, no, no! And, you know, they just desperately try to grow. And they've been going, no, for like, months. That's what I said last year is like they got so confused there was a second spring because the plants all thought that winter happened and then because after winter rain happens and then they grow all the flowers blue or all the the fruiting trees fruited twice yes last year dogs don't care dogs don't care it's raining they want to go outside and it's like okay all right so I gear them up for a walk and Henry's been begging me all morning and I'm like dude it's raining but he didn't care got my raincoat go out it's fine there was a little break in the rain i was like okay let's make it quick go all the way out get to the farthest point henry's like uh i go i'm gonna poop and he does this little waddle where he's like he starts like it's like a truck lifting you know it's it's bad ben inverse

he just his butt goes higher and hard he poops at an upward angle i don't know if you know that about henry that's uh that's wrong that's wrong henry it's hilarious because if he has a hill to poop on he will he will like start to do this like this is his butt right so he's like and then backs up the hill. So he poops up the hill at an upward angle, so it'll be sure to roll down through his feet, right? Sick. He, speaking of sick, he had a little diarrhea,

and he just poops all over himself everywhere. Sorry about the poop talk this early in the morning, or whenever people, some people listen to this right at midnight, so I know it's very early for some. No, I'm pretty sure everyone listens exactly in the morning. Yes, absolutely. drive out. So he poops all over himself and this ordinarily would be fine.

We'll get back and clean up. But it's raining, right? Did you remember that? So the rain cleaned him off for you and it's perfect. Oh, no. So dogs, when they are in the rain, I don't know if you knew this, they like to shake. So they shake. So Henry, with poop all over his butt, shakes a lot.

And we're at the farthest point and the rain just kicked up. So every few steps, he has to stop and go, blah, blah, blah. And then just everywhere on his butt is just. Just like these, these long hair and it's a nightmare. And I have like quarter of a mile to get back home in the rain that's picking up uphill. This is not a lie. Both ways? No, just the way back.

Uh, so then I had to get back and I was late for the podcast because I was, I was haphazardly with scissors cutting, giving Henry a butt haircut, uh, just because there was no way that I was going to be able to get him in the bath in time. So I was just like, hey, you thought about using dog scape? Oh, that's pretty good. One point for dog scape. All right, that's fair. That's fair. Where we are also, there's hawks around.

So there's lots of hawks. And Amy's always worried because they're like, they're going to scoop up Henry. And I'm like, Henry is 45 pounds. He's a pretty big dog for that. I don't think that's... I don't think he's going to get scooped up even if two together. No, even our wiener dogs, it's like 16 pounds is a lot for a hog.

A team of four hawks drops down with a net, and they lure Henry to... and the moment he puts his mouth around the puparoni located at the center of the net the one of them is just like kaka! They take off in flight in pattern. It could happen, it could happen, you know. Hawks start using tools. The world gets a lot scarier. Those LA Hawks are highly organized. I really do think it was like four hawks in a trench coat that made me sign that blood pack to only have a one so that they could have a supply. The real clues when they signed the document with their beak. Henry has this really terrible, terrible habit where he will scratch his ear,

like just real slow with his back foot, like in the ear and he always goes, when he's doing it, like just like slack jawed. And then he always, and we look at it and we're waiting for it. He'll be like done, then licks his foot every time. Lexi does that too. It's like, why? Why? It's a health thing. It's like why like dogs or cats will eat the,

their baby's poops. Because they're like, oh, is it, are you healthy? Now, you taste healthy. But if it tastes, if there's a problem, you can taste it in the poop or you can taste it in the ear, you know? I don't want you. I want you to stop talking. What do they do if they taste a problem in the poo? They're all, ah, shit. What will it take? You just stop talking. I'm never going to stop talking, Mark. This is your curse. All right, fair enough. I don't have that fear. of death. And also, I don't have that fear of falling asleep and there's intruders because I always know, and I've learned this now, if there really is footsteps, Henry and Chica would have reacted. That's like a nice saving grace because Henry is very attentive to random noises and to

strangers and to intruders, anything like that. If anyone's coming over, you know, if a delivery man is making delivery, he'll let us know. So he's the perfect alarm for that and he goes off too often he'll go off at random light that acts up you know if a shadow's moving too suspiciously he'll start barking if at night he's not barking i'm not worried so i'm fine there we're screwed i'm screwed someone breaks then i play funny pranks on henry sometimes is where if i peer around a corner like if this is the wall and i go like this henry'll go who is that and then if i disappear behind it he'll creep closer and if i go like oh he goes you can tell you I'm like, he'll go.

He's such a cute little dog. I've got to get that on a video sometime. Let's get weird for a sec. Imagine if your furniture could handle all the wild and ridiculous moments life froze at you. For example, what if your couch grew and grew and grew until it enveloped your entire house? Sounds like a really specific to you fantasy that we're building on here, but I like it. Continue. With Cozy, you can have your home, your way, is what I'm trying to say. You can have modular furniture. Pieces where you're like, hmm, what if I want this to be like two seats and then curve?

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And Uber knows that. Uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered. It's showing up no matter what. I think that might be them knocking on the door because they're, you know, Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. Dude, them are the FBI. I'm not 100%. Sure.

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because she's not a very like stressed dog. She's very chill about everything. But she was outside and it was like, you know, she was in a part of the yard where there was a gate that went right to to the front. So she was outside because she was sniffing in a bush and I tried to call her in because I was going to take him for a walk. And then she wasn't coming. She was looking for like a lizard or something. So I closed the door and I go like, all right, I'm going to take Henry. And then as soon as the door closed, she goes, and then she sees me putting the harness on Henry and she comes up to the door like, oh, just like, you know, like Solie and monsters like, oh, no.

So she gets more and more just like, no, what? And so. So as soon as I put the artist on Henry, and I like, take a leash, I'd be like, all right, bye. And I know the side gates open so she could go around and just meet me out front. There's no problem with that. But as soon as I round the corner, I've never heard her do this where she goes, no! Like literally sounded like her going, no! So I feel so bad, but I go out the front and I'm just waiting for her to figure it out and come around. just hear her still in the side yard going,

no, no, no, no, no. Then I just call Chica, get over here. And she's like, just pause, like mid-no, go. No, go. And then come here. She is the most distressed. I've ever heard her. But I think that just goes to show that, like, you know,

although to us, that's like, come on, And the side yard is open, but it shows like some, the mental faculties and some dogs and, like, the reason why there would be anxiety of, like, just like she feels like, oh, no! I know what they're doing. They're going for a walk and was like, I want that so bad. And they're leaving me. He must not realize I'm here. That's very mean, Mark. Good job. No, no. It wasn't mean. It was kind of mean. I felt bad. It was a bear. Not here. Here. How close? How here? Like visiting, staying with you? There was a bear. I legitimately, so I was already in bed. And Amy goes like, Mark!

And I run, because it sounded urgent. And I get over there. And there's a fucking bear. She had been sleeping in her bed, which is right by the glass door there. And the bear had come up and just was like at the window staring at her. And then you see her head go, and they just stare for a while. And the bear like paused the glass. like right on the glass so she could gets up wags then Henry comes over looks look

over at the bear and they're both just like nose to nose on the glass no barking no nothing and then Amy sees obviously and it's like a bear and I run in and I'm like hey got out here bear get out here just like that hey you better leave you are trespassing I will call the police it was late at night just two days ago I was It was the same day we did that recording, I think. No. Are you sure it happened, or were you still hallucinating? I might have been, I kind of hoped I was, but I really wasn't.

So I let the pups out front, and I grabbed some blueberries, and I'm like, oh, the gates open, so I'll look, make sure they don't get out. And I go out there, and I see, you know, Henry's peeing on a bush, and Chica is standing in the middle of the driveway with her tail raise looking up at something. And I'm like, hmm, that's odd. And it's dark because it's night and we don't have a ton of lights so I can not really see But I'm looking and before my brain registers it I got a shiver down my spine and then I see a dark shape at the in the middle of the driveway up above that chica is looking at and it's big and I

I took me a second and then I go like that's a bear and I immediately set my blueberries down and sprint The panic of I don't remember when I did it Because it must have been as I was processing But let's just say that I go Oh Uh huh You know like I took that pause, right

And I sprint Because it's Chika is literally Staring down a bear And as soon as I yell Chica She charges the bear Oh, that's not what I would have guessed She fucking charged The bear

And she's doing her bark Very scary, sure Very scary bark And thankfully the bear Decided that me also running screaming behind Going Was scary enough

That the bear actually turned around And ran up the hill And I'm like I'm like Okay, I got to throw it on with the bear I was like I don't have my bear spray I don't have my boar spear You don't have your blueberries.

I didn't have my blueberries. And I didn't have the knife I usually keep on me, on me at the time. So I was like, all right, I guess I'm going hand to hand with a bear. Here we go. Because I would do that for Sheka. I would throw it down. I wasn't, I was about to let anything up. But I was worried that it was going to run off and she was going to run and I wouldn't be able to keep up.

And then I wouldn't be able to help. But thankfully, it got chased up. And then I got Chika inside. And Henry was so scared because he didn't see the bear. He only heard me yelling. And then Chika barking. So he's like, super. were confused, looking around.

So I get them inside, and the bear went up, you know, and it's somewhere there. Like a minute passes by, and then I see headlights at the top of the driveway. Amy got back home, and I'm like, oh, shit. She doesn't know that there's a bear literally right there. Oh, God. She shouldn't get out of the car, right? So I look from the door, and I see her, get out of the car, pick up a package, and then I'm like, shit.

So I grab a stick, and I grab a light, and I. just start running up. I'm like, no! Hey, you're going to get bald by a bear! But thankfully, she got it back of her car, and she said, oh, it's just listening to the music the whole time, just like, I'll get this package, done, you know.

I was like, there was literally a bear there. It's like a horror movie. They pulled up with their music guy, it was just like, eh, no. It was exactly like that. You look around for the bear, you don't see it. She pulls the car further in the driveway, then in the back seat, you see the bear's head raise up.

The car starts driving away While Amy's picking up the package And the bear is just like Oh yeah I can't believe that worked The bear hit in the box It was like wow This is a heavy package

What's in the box? What's in the box? What's in the box? Well my thought is actually I'm glad that she didn't get there A minute sooner because she would have Her car would have boxed in Chika the bear and the car

And I think it would have climbed over a fence But that was it was like Uh My adrenaline had never been higher than those five minutes. It was crazy. Get no frills delivered. Shop the same in-store prices online

and enjoy unlimited delivery with PC Express Pass. Get your first year for 250 a month. Learn more at pceexpress.ca. We went to the ocean and no one hates the ocean more than Henry and no one loves the ocean more than Chica. She gets her toes in and as soon as the wave come by, and then Henry just like, hands at the edge. And literally, we're not even pulling on his leash. And he's still like feet

dug in leaning back like this. We're not tugging him towards the ocean. And every time we're about to get near when Chika's going, he's still like, I'm ready. You're going to betray me at any moment. He's like the opposite of that character who's, he's like, hold me back, hold me back. No one's touching him. And he's like, don't make me. And you're like, just stay there, man. That's fine. He's like, I won't do it. The same way about the pool. But we took Chika to a creek. Finally, she saw like an actual like kind of creek. river thing. She loved it. She was in there waiting around and all the water was so curious about all the ripples drank some of it, which is probably not great. But she loved it. Why does she hate pools in the

ocean? She's a literal golden retriever, which are meant to be water dogs. And yet she hates the water except for the creek. So maybe it's just specifically rivers that she's bred for. She's actually a golden creek retriever. It's a very specific subspecies. Our dogs will hop on like a raft in the pool. Ginger loves being in and around the pool. She'll like hop on the step and sit in it and stuff. Presley's a little bit more finicky about it. Presley's the only one that's ended up in a creek is because he was chasing a rabbit. We were just, I didn't take them down with us. We were just down at Lake Cumberland and Kentucky this past weekend. I wish they'd come with us, but we knew there was going to be some other dogs that they didn't get along with in the past.

I just didn't want to deal with it. So they got to go to vacation instead of my mom's. They're the only dachshins I know that will kind of like tolerate water. The rest of them have always hated it. But Ginger loves water. She doesn't mind swimming. She doesn't mind sit on a raft. I've never had a pro water dog myself. Lexi knows the truth about water. She hates it. It's all just different kinds of baths. And baths are for idiots and losers.

She knows what's up. Wait, do you have a video? Do you have a video of your dog doing that adorable tiny dog jump into the water? Oh, yeah, the super. I probably do somewhere, the Superman. She wouldn't do the jump, but we do with a video of holding her over a pool, and she's all, ha, ha, ha, ha. She's not in the water, just trying to swim.

We've got to have one somewhere. I need to find that, but yeah. I think, actually, speaking of dogs, I've always said Henry's incredibly smart, right? He had an eye infection recently. He still does. He's going to take care of. So he has eye drops for it, right? So for a while, like, it's like his inner, you know, dogs have two eyelids and the inner one is, it was inflamed and kind of, so every time he looked like you had a big droopy eye. And so I started giving him these drops. And he didn't, he didn't rebel too much at the first times. But I swear he asked me for the drop, right? I can't tell you. It wasn't because he'll come up to me sometimes and like wine if he wants. food or something and I go like, we already had dinner. I was like, you, you had dinner. You

want to go outside? And he's like, he doesn't respond. Because whenever I say the word that he wants, he'll jump and he'll go towards the thing. And it was like, outside, outside. Going back and forth this and I said, like, do you want, do you want the drop? And he goes, hmm, medicine. And he's like, he doesn't know these words, but they're different. And I think he's tangentially related. So I, I get up and he's like, okay, yeah, follow me. And he leads me to the kitchen where we have the little eyedropper. And I get the eyedropper. And I pointed at him. He's like, this. And he goes, ha, sits, tilts his head up. And I'm like, do you understand that this makes your eye feel better?

Are you asking for it? And so I gave it to him. And he was like, then he went off on his own. And I'm like, oh my God. He's so smart. Anyway, he's very smart boy. Thank you.