Distractible - Best of P*ssed Off: Part 1 (Compilation)

Episode Date: January 16, 2026

You better hope the Distractible Vault is fireproof, because there's a whole lot of fiery fury building up in this compilation! Check out shopify.com/distractible today Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

From being paved to incandescent. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. It's time for best of pissed off. Part one. I can't think of anything that relates to like sunscreen lotion and tissues. No, it's right there. It's right there. If I had a one word clue, it would probably be seasonal.

I feel like this is a thing I just either have never heard of or don't use is where I'm at right now. I'd be shocked. Yeah, you've heard of this. You've heard of it. You've probably seen it used more recently than you think. Chapstick? It is. And I put some on while you were...

How the actual fuck is chapstick related to lotion or sunscreen? Those are liquids! Well, I could see it being related to that. Also, how was that not a container full of chapstick? You completely got me off of anything that was like lotion or deodorant or chapstick. But you said it wasn't a plastic container filled with something. Did he ask that question? Yes!

I asked if it was a container and his answer was, oh, not really. I don't think of it like that. No, the primary part of it is not a container. The primary part of chapstick is the chapstick. It is a container filled with a material. We've all, I don't know. I went through it.

Mark and I went through it. We did the best we could with that, man. I didn't hear that question. I didn't hear that one. Also, I get you on the wet one, but I'm going to go ahead and say the bodily ablution one was also a bad answer. You use that at any point in time, primarily in public, because usually it's when you're outside.

You don't use that during a bodily ablution. That depends. I use it when my lips are chapped. I don't use it as a preventative. I use it after my lips are chapped. You don't keep it. Also, I'm just going to say, you probably don't keep it in the bathroom. Probably don't even specifically keep it in the kitchen as much as you keep it.

That's why I was saying that one was. You keep it wherever you keep your keys, which is for a lot of people, the entryway or the mudroom. I keep chapstick in our medicine cabinets. So like our medicine cabinet in the bathroom, I've got chapstick in the kitchen, we've got chapstick. Well, that's why I called that one now specifically. That's why I said. I feel like the container one totally shut off the realm of a bottle of lotion. It was a tough question. Like, you could see how it was a tough question to answer. It's not. No, I don't actually. If you ask me if chapstick is a container, I would say yes. It's, it has a container. Because it has a lid.

I think my answer was it's not primarily a container because the primary part of chapstick is the stuff you use. No, you said that about something else. Specifically, I wrote down that you said, I, no, kind of. I don't think of it as a container. I don't. I mean, it is a thing of chapstick. It is specifically a plastic tube containing the chapstick. Yeah, I get that.

I get that. Or a thing of lip balm in a little container, which by the way, could be made of metal, but that one's not that strong of an argument. Okay, you know, I wasn't think of the little handheld lip balm. That was a fair item, but I do feel like a couple of those questions really fucked me. Pets. Honestly, don't get me started on pets. Pets are a bigger responsibility than anyone would have you know.

Pets, they're cute, they're cuddly, they're fun, sure. But nobody wants to talk about what pets actually need. Money for vet bills. Leaky anal glands. You got to take them to the vet once every month or two and have someone stick their fingers up their ass to release their anal glands. Because apparently that's a fucking thing they don't teach them. Oh, I want to get a little puppy.

No, you fucking don't. You're going to gel up your fingers and show him up Fido's ass? Well, someone has to because the anal glands get clogged. It's disgusting. Oh, and then they get older. We outlive our pets. That's really sad. It sucks losing pets. Been there done that. They don't train you for that shit either. But when they get old, it's not all cute, cuddly fun games. No, I'm learning that cats stop using the litter box and they shit on the floor and they drag their ass. They go outside. They eat grass. They come inside and guess what? Oh, grass. That doesn't feel so good.

Blah! Oh, I've vomited. That makes me need to shit too for some reason. Let me just leave all of that right by the couch where you sit so your feet can either be in the nice, nasty, icky, or on the lovely cleaning solution you put down. Just got a new rug? Oh boy, no more yet. I better go mark that. Hike, piss, bleh,

all over the goddamn place. Oh, I don't want to eat the food you got today, Father. Oh, this canned food, it isn't what I happen to want. I don't want those treats today. I want what you want. Oh, that steak that you've been cooking looks great. You had to look away to

crack open a drink. Oh, fucking mind! Get your own food now, Dad! Oh, okay, guess I'll just fucking starve. What could you give me? Some cuddle, some cute moments. But all of the shit! Don't get me started.

Guy, you really went there, man. I hope your pets don't listen to this podcast. Yeah, man. I'm gonna make them. This is what you play for them when you leave the house. Put it in their cage and play this episode on full volume. Oh, yeah. Take out the blankets.

Just cold, hard. with a TV monitor and this. I hate the number nine. Because seven, ate it? Because he's a bitch and he let himself get eaten. Yeah, he lost the bat. I put a lot of money on that fight. I got eaten right in front of me.

Man. Anyway, no, I hate nine specifically. And it's, it has to do with a lot of shopping. And this is another psychology thing. But it's, this isn't even about like, you, you price something $3.99. And it's like, it's technically 400, but people go, oh, $3.99. You know, psychologically, I get the, I get that that works. This is about gas stations.

Because gas stations do it worse than anybody ever has. And if we all stop to actually think about it for a second to realize how dumb it is. Because not only they'll do the trick where it's like, oh, it's, it's 349 a gallon, you know. And it's like, oh, it's 350. But no, there's more numbers onto the right of that number. And there's either a nine or there's a nine over 10. And it's just, it infuriates me. It infuriates me that that exists.

And it's, if you Google gas station signs, at least in America, they're on every single fucking sign. It's every single fucking sign is like, and nine over 10 or da-da-da-da-da. Nine in SuperScript. And it's like, bah, blah, nine, because they, it's just because some marketing or finance guy or someone in some marketing department, however many years ago was like, oh, if we add this nine at the end, we'll make this much more money over the course of forever. know the difference. And I don't even care about that because at the end of the day, I know people

are stupid about gas and they'll go to the gas station across the street that's five cents cheaper to save a whopping, you know, dollar on their entire purchase and wait in line for 10 minutes, then go to the one across the street that's five cent more expensive or whatever. Or they'll drive across town and waste the gas that they would have saved. Whatever, that's not what I'm talking about. It's the fact that we let them get away with this stupid nine, this dumbass nine at the end of these numbers that I, that just, it's just so, I want to just punch every single one of those stupid nine out of ten signs, because it doesn't make a difference in the grand scheme of things, and it just looks stupid.

It's aesthetically unpleasing. It just is infuriating in every capacity, because it's, it's not even a, at this point, it's not even like a good psychological trick. It's like one fraction of a penny. It's nine-tenths of a penny. I don't care about that. I round up anyway, like if it's 249 and nine, it goes, oh, it's 250. It's the fact that it's there.

Nine out of ten people agree it's dumb. We should start a gas station chain on the premise that there will be no fractions. And in fact, that there will be no nines in the one cent place ever. So I need you to do a super fast retelling of Bob's fridge, but without using any verbs. Oh, hey, we're here to, yeah. Oh, hang on. Uh-huh. Right now?

Oh, never mind. I gotta, yeah. Oh, fridge. Two guys. Front door, me, the... The one guy. Oh, no, no, thank you. Oh, there we got.

You guys, fridge? Yeah, perfect. And in the bush! The bush! They, me, inside, the bush, the fridge, the bush. The fridge? The bush. Yeah, what's it?

Oh no! Oh, no! Oh, no. It's a noun! You're right, you're right. Okay, I got it. Okay, you're good. A new house?

I don't know. It should be water shot off. Water shot off, no you make this here. Sorry, bush. Did I, that part? Yeah. Anyway. I don't think that's how you did, fridge, house. Right?

Think's a verb, isn't it? I think. Not when I do it. Um. Ha ha ha ha ha. Good answer. Anger. is brr

One acceptable Two guys Fridge That was beautiful Oh man I don't remember what Not that much actually happened I was just so mad I kept talking about it

Uh Revere Who It doesn't It doesn't have to be fast man You can Famous historian Hoo-hoo Revere. All right, one more time. Hit me.

Revere, hua. It changes every time. That doesn't help me, man. Revere, hua. Revere o'u. You can change it? Reverahua. It's changed. He changed it. He changed it. He changed it. It depends which, uh, which accent you prefer.

What do you mean? It depends. That was completely different pronunciations. All right, pick one. Revere, hoo-a. Revere, hoo-a. Not whoa. Owa. Okay, one more time. Huah or uah huah huah that was two different things he just said two different things right there Revere

Who revere hoa hu hua hoa oh wa okay revere hua revere that was it a fucking word what are you talking about oh oh oh if you didn't say it like a ghost when you're the one in the chair it does not sound like it Owa Revere. Owa, rev. What the fuck where it is it? Okay, I'm saying, Hua. Hoa?

Yes, that's what I'm saying. Hoa, Owa. So you should say the opposite of Hua. Hawa? Oa. I am. Okay. What do you mean?

That is? You go Hawa and Owa. You're doing great. You're doing great. Oh my God. Revere. Huah. Ho-wo-oh-oh-oh. That's play it in reverse. Editors, I'm saying the same thing.

Ho-o-o-ho-ho-ho-ho-o-ho-ho-ho-o-ho-wo. It's the same word. Rivier? Revere? Revere. It's two palindromes. Inside the same word. It's river, river, river. River? River? Oh, whoa, river. Oh, whoa, river. That's not a word. I know many words. This is not a word. He's still like Johnny Prophus. Oh, Wa River. Oh, River. Say the first part faster. Oh, but all in one thing, all in one go.

Just say the first part faster. Oh, Wa River. Oh, Wa River. Oh, River. Oh, River. Oh, River. Lose the first, uh. Why?

Wa' River? Wa'a River. Uh-huh. Wherever? Wherever! It's wherever. Is that it? How?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's no uh. Huh, huh, huh, ho, ho. Why do you go ho? This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Look, it happens. Set out the new year. You're ready to change your world.

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including across social media. Go to Shopify.com slash distractible and make it happen. Join us and millions of others who have started their own businesses at Shopify.com slash distractible. So we're going to go through this list and we're going to make accounting of everyone. So Wade, you mentioned Shakira.

I did mention Shaq Era. God, I love Shaq's music. Bob, you got Scarlett Joe. I believe he went the one with two T's, but we could be wrong. Wade, you mentioned Mom a Ply. which, you know, she has a real name, but it's okay. Bob Dr. Jill Biden, Bob with an Ivanka,

Wade with a Melania. Yeah, can I add Melania too? I want to get the Trump's wife. Hold on. I have to count. There has to be a winner. Oh, making Mark Titevys was the best part of this whole idea so far. Did I spell share right?

Sure. It's a C. I know it's a C. I know there's a C. Oh, okay. Yeah, the C's at the end. It's a silent C. Michael Obama

Fra. No, I know. You were trying to type Popra. Got it. Megan the Stanlian. Caitlin Clark. Galak?

Calerk? Calerk. Hold on. You guys are spoiling all the jokes. I'm going through it. Just shut up. Kim Kardashian.

Stop! Bob. Funerals. Oh, yeah. Oh, let me just stretch the anger around a little bit. Don't even get me started on funerals. Did I not give you enough while you were alive? Did you not take enough of my precious time while you could reciprocate anything?

Let's not even get into whether you did or did not ever say thank you for the countless hours of my life I gave to you. Grandma coming to visit? spending the holidays with you, eating the food you made for me to make me eat. It's awful. Don't get me started on funerals. Like those people need any more attention. Only the most narcissistic, selfish, unbelievably self-centered people would possibly think that what they need after they have left their family, mourning, and just torn apart. is a party for them. That's who's important at that moment in time. That's what everyone wants.

And open casket funerals? Please. Oh yeah, I'm gonna die and then I want you to dress me up real nice and I want you to do my makeup and I want you to pretend stuff my cheeks with cotton balls pretend like they're not all sunken in and then come look at me and talk to me like I'm there. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair to everyone. I need that. In the afterlife, I'll really enjoy. I'll drink it up like a delicious salve on my soul. That's fair. That's good. Miss you, grandma. Oh man. Is it a spork? He jumped right past a couple other guesses for that one, but no, it's not specifically a spork. No. Spoon? Plastic spoon? No. Plastic fork. It's a plastic fork. I hate you.

It's gonna run. I hate you. Because why? Why would I think specifically a plastic fork? When you said it was not metal, all cutlery went out the window because cutlery is it's made of plastic. It's made of metal. Hey, dude, I had to rule out wood basketball. What?

You never guessed fork. Because you said it wasn't metal. My 12th guest was cutlery for myself. Mark never went there. That's crazy. He stole everything else I said, but not that. Again, again. That's the next one.

You know, I thought, I thought spork a long time ago. A long time ago, I was like, okay, there's a possibility that it's like plastic, something like, and spork went up in my mind when he was like, plate was associated with it. But I was like, that has no way it be. that. Man, plastic fork! A plastic fork? Yes. Hey, my basketball was very specific too. Why have you done this to me? Why have you done this? Are you appealing to like the subreddit or something? Do you think this is unfair, Mark?

I am appealing to the subreddit. Yes, I'm throwing my only flag I have left because, holy crap. That is the least fair thing. What are you doing? How many times a week do you think you use a plastic fork, Mark. Barely. I don't believe that. That's absolutely true. You're currently living in another city. I had an Airbnb where they have silverware. And you don't order food? Yes, I do. And you don't order food when you're working all day? I always prefer to eat it with the silverware that's there because it's a better utensil to do. It's all right. I use enough plastic forks to make up for it. And also, in this thing, a plastic fork isn't even rigid. Yes, it is. No, it's not. It's. It's It's a flimsy piece of plastic.

Dude, you get a plastic fork from like cheesecake factory. Those things are like... I could stab your eye out with the right plastic fork. I want to take a nap and I will. In your tub with your pillow blanket? I see how it is. Plastic fork. Plastic fork.

This is going to haunt him for days to come. I'm literally like halfway through. Well, you didn't even guess spork. I would have probably given you a hint. It's like, oh no, no, it couldn't be that. That'd be ridiculous. Why couldn't it be that? I want to do another food one, because I'm curious about this.

I hope you bring up cereal. I hope to God you bring up cereal. Oh, that one's quick and easy. Okay. How can you screw this up? There's only one answer with cereal. Let's do that real quick. Cereal.

Oh, here we go. What order? Bowl of cereal, what order? Ooh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna roll up the sleeves. You put your bowl down? You pour milk in. it, then you pour your cereal. Dude.

I'll die on this hill, and there's so many reasons. All you sheeple out there that think, it's like, oh, you put your, pour your cereal for it's in your milk. No, you pour your milk first, so you have a fixed quantity of milk. The elements that you're fighting is time till soggyness. If you have your milk first, you get the quantity of milk that you want, and then you pour cereal a little bit at a time, so it never becomes soggy, and then you will have have a perfect ratio of cereal to milk at the end of it because you will pour exactly as much

cereal as that milk requires in the duration that it needs to be poured. So the, the shosoginess thing is always the argument and like that's correct to me. But I've never understood, you know how, how I do it is you pour the cereal first and you pour a small amount of milk and then you eat down the side. Oh! So that you're eating the part that's in the milk as it's getting milk saturated before it gets soggy, there's not enough milk, like, for me, like less than a quarter of the bowl is ever touching milk at any given moment. Why, why, if you pour milk first and your cereal floats,

you get like five Cheerios before it's floating over the edge of the giant bowl of milk that you just poured. How much do you fill it with milk? I don't know. I assume if you pour milk first, you pour a lot because you're a fucking weirdo. Why? You pour like a third of it in there. You don't want a lot of milk. But you're just, you, the way you're describing it, you're a milk firster in denial.

You're a milk firster. I would just rather have my cereal maxed out and then enough milk to make it very delicious to eat. I don't have time to pour cereal 30 times for one meal. I fill that bowl like three quarters with cereal. I pour like half full of milk. And then it's like a hot dog eating competition, man. I'm ravenous. I'm a fast eater.

And I am pouring through that thing. You don't need to do that. if you just pour your milk first. I like it and I wouldn't change it. And how many times have you been there when you have your cereal, you put your milk and say, and you're like, oh shit, I don't have enough milk. I gotta go pour more.

You can tell how much milk you have. It's never ever happened because when I picked the milk out of the fridge, I know exactly if I have enough or not enough milk. Then pour them. You know what I've had happened, which is even more sad? Is whenever I'm preparing for this and I go to pour the cereal and the box weighs so much, I'm like, oh, there's at least enough for a bowl, and like four pieces of cereal come out. And that's it.

Well, that's a whole other issue. That's another issue. That sounds like a skill issue. Yeah, this is a different issue. I've got this. There's no way I don't get this point. You've got this. I'm going to, I'll send you the time that it starts at.

You're so good. Ready? Yes. All right. And go. In Japan, what do you think the most common animal to fear would be? Oh, I'll tell you. The answer? Bears. Bear attack shelters are going on sale in Japan as the country experiences record high number of incidents.

Bears in Japan going crazy. Don't even try to say anything. I've got this point. I don't know if we gunged or not, but I'm going to tell you about bears. They're mammals. They got claws to walk. Don't you step in. I'm telling you about this is my point. Wade, here's a topic. I'm not sure which side to take you on. but let's say kids having cell phones. Don't get me started on kids with cell phones. When we were growing up, we were lucky to have a walkie-talkie. My grandparents gave me a walkie-talkie,

and if I got out of range of the walkie-talkie, grounded in trouble not going out again. Kids with cell phones, they don't worry about dial-up internet like we did. They can just access whatever, whenever. They're in class, cell phone goes off. Hold on, teacher, got to take this call. That's why they're dumb as shit and not learning anything, because they're fucking sitting there a googling dumb shit

responding to their friends, texting their friends, looking at porn, making bombs, whatever teenagers do these days, that's not fucking sitting there and learning. We talk about the education system family. Oh, must be the teachers. Oh, must be this. No, it's the goddamn stupid-ass kids and their worst fucking parents giving them all this technology way too early,

and they don't know how to handle it because they're giving it an early age. They think, oh, I can just go off and multitask whenever. No, your brain's not that good. Our brains aren't that good. Humans' brains aren't that good. We're all stupider for having phones in front of a. at all times. Kids with cell phones, worst idea. Nothing good is coming of that. They may once in a blue moon have an important text or call that comes to, that does

have to go through the principal's office. We had a protocol for that. If something important happened, the principal comes in and her con goes off. Come in, we need to tell you something. Now it's, Hey, Grandma died. By the way, just thought you should now love you. Don't forget to do your homework. Bye. And it's like, fucking, why is that on your phone? Don't even get me started on this. I looked at my cell phone every time you said the word phone during that. See? I want to take that phone and be. little Timmy's fucking head in with it. Be like, they're going to pay attention now?

Going to pay attention now? No, he probably is not. This is good therapy. We should do this tomorrow. I'm just going to show my desk so you know there's no other lens caps. Okay.

So you know. Good. You know. Is this the kind of production we can expect from the movie? Okay. So I'm going to flip it in camera. It's going to go straight up.

I'm sticking with heads. Sticking with heads. He's perfect. I've never lost with heads. Are we ready? Three, two. Points to nothing! Mark, you might just need to call this before he comes back.

He's really mad. No, it can land the other way. I don't, I don't know. Wade, call it? Scared. Oh, let's go heads. Okay, it's not cursed for you. I don't know what's going on.

All right, okay, so it can't, I, I don't know. Mark, I'm going to need to get that from you. I think that's my lucky coin. All right, okay, all right. Can you mail that to me? I'm nine and oh with this coin. Oh, it's getting light. Oh, he's back.

Okay, cool. Do we tell him or we not tell him about the other coin flip after he left? What other coin flip? I'm fine. I've calm down. Okay, so you were 0 and 8. I know. And then I flipped it.

I was like, maybe it's weighted and I flipped it like to see if it could land on heads and it landed on heads. So it was heads for me, just not for you. I took some deep breaths. Good. And I'm back now. And I'm just going to put that way you just said completely out of my mind so that I can remain calm for the end of this episode. Watch new episodes on Spotify.