Distractible - Beware The Candy Uncle...

Episode Date: January 24, 2022

Inspired by the Stanford marshmallow experiment, Mark challenges Bob and Wade to think up wild solutions for keeping kids from eating candy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Good night, Mama. Life's a trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, a WTF production with your hosts Blushing Bob, Meritorious Mark, and Wordy Wade. This week, the chatty chums choose to chuck chunky childish chocolate chasers onto the most redoubtable of confectionery carriers. Try saying that fast.

Yes, it's time for Beware the Candy Uncle. Please prepare thy vomitorium and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome to Distractible, the podcast where we talk about a bunch of nonsense and act like we're smarter than we really are. My name is Mark and I am your host, joined by Bob. Hello. And Wade. Hi. Hi guys, how are you doing?

We're good. Good. We're good. Yeah. Man, these goods seem forced. Well, they are. What? I'm great.

Stuff is going just so well for me over here. What do you, why would you question that? I don't know. Something about the tone of your voice, but I'll believe you. Wade, why are you not good? Well, the guy you sent over to force me to say I'm good. Other than that, I was fine before. Okay.

All right. So you're saying that my gift was unnecessary? Yeah. Your gift is eating all of our food. I sent you the gift of happiness. Yeah. The guy that tells you to be happy. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. is it working i could send more guys uh no it's unnecessary they've got a happy cattle prod package that i could send over that might be nice no i'll do it don't even say anything no no forget i said it it'll be a surprise did you see mark they're running a special right now on the uh the guy who makes you happy by smashing in all the windows in your car with a crowbar until you're happy wow that sounds like good service i'll get that for you too wade whenever you get a new car that guy is gonna show up such a value so if i don't get a new car uh-huh no balls you won't yeah you won't well i've gone

almost a full year now without one does Does your new door have windows in it? Oh, it does. Great. That's great. That's great. I know that because I came and looked at it. I didn't see you or anything. I just looked at your house.

Oh, this is a very comfortable start to this episode. We're just worried about you, man. Yeah, we're worried. I'll send a worry guy over to check in on you. He's got the worry pepper spray, you know, don't really make your troubles go away. You won't worry about whatever you were worrying about a moment ago. Trust me. He is pretty big though. So no twin beds. Okay. Give him a nice comfortable place. Yeah. I think we're going to move. They'll find you. Anyway, I have an interesting topic of

discussion today that kind of relates to something that we discussed on a previous episode. I had a thought. Oh, by the way, everyone listening, I'm the judge. They contribute and I assign points. That's how this podcast works. They know how it works. They hopefully they know how it works. I hate to think if this is people's first introduction to this podcast, but it may be.

I know this happens with things. You know, you get used to it, it becomes regular. But I remember the first episodes, we were like, welcome to Distractible. This is a podcast. Yeah. And now we're just like, just tell the story. Come on. All right, fine, I will. I had a thought the other night. It was just, you know, I have these thoughts on occasion. I was wondering I have these thoughts on occasion. I was wondering what the best method would be to prevent a kid from eating too much candy, right? You ever think about this?

Kids, they like candy. They do. They can't stop eating it. So what if you constructed a reality that would plant a formative memory in their mind? This is some random kid, you know, it doesn't really matter. But it would plant a formative memory in their mind that would make it so they're kind of inceptioned to never want to eat candy again. Right? Okay. Okay. You following? Yeah. So I thought you tell a kid that he can have one piece of candy a day. And if he has any more than that, something bad will

happen. You don't say what it is. You just tell them that something bad will happen, right? So, of course, that's not enough to put fear into the child. You have to go a step further. So what you'll do is you'll, you know, give a piece of candy every day, whatever, and then you'll create a situation where there is an excess of candy available to them. You know, if that original idea wasn't enough, you would create a situation where they would be tempted to have more candy i kind of thought of this because of that experiment with the marshmallow right yeah so it's like you get you get two later but you know more punishing so you create a situation where it's like a piece of chocolate and if they have two pieces of chocolate in a day or more kill their favorite family member pretty much but not quite oh more subtle more subtle right oh so you create a situation where they're tempted to have more chocolate and you watch them

and you have like a secret camera so you know exactly when they did. And as soon as they do, the next time you see them, you look at them and go like, oh my God, what's wrong with you? At this point, you've removed all the mirrors from the house because that way they can't see themselves. Obviously. You like suddenly just like stop in your tracks like, oh my God, what's wrong with your face? And then like they would start panicking and be like, what's wrong with my face? then like they would start panicking be like what's wrong with my face and you're like oh my god did you

have another piece of chocolate did you have another piece and then as they're stammering there you don't even give them a chance you drag them up and like you gotta lay down now you gotta lay down quick and then you get your friend who you assigned to pretend to be a doctor and you go to the other room before you get them to come over you go to the other room you call your friend and you tell them like yeah oh you gotta come quick yeah two pieces of chocolate maybe more i don't know and then you start real panic you tell them to not move from wherever they are if they're in a bed on the couch you have them lay down your friend comes in wheels all this big beeping booping undulating medical equipment and then you attach it to the child and then you have a whole team

surrounding them running a bunch of tests like poking them with a stick you know like pretend syringes all these fake hookups and stuff like that and then you tell them that if they don't make it like you love them or something i don't know i don't know whose kid this is but you you create this entire construction you're doing this to someone else's kid i don't know i'm just saying like any kid whatever if you're hired he started with that it doesn't have to be your kid exactly it doesn't have all right well i feel like there might be more lawsuits in that case but maybe there's not gonna be any lawsuits okay the statute of limitations will pass by the time they realize what actually happened so you you you get all this stuff and then you create this incredible drama where you start dropping the temperature in the house but you have trained yourself by

taking ice baths every day and all the other people that are a part of this you've been taking ice baths every day so a little cold doesn't bother you but the child will feel very cold and then you know you'll have your heart monitor that's a pre-programmed video to start going down and down and like they'll get colder and colder and then like at the last minute you'll pull out like the biggest meanest syringe of all and it's like attached to like a cattle prod so that when you poke them with it, it'll hurt. And then they'll think that like that'll be the moment that everything stabilizes, you know. Maybe you'll even like lower the oxygen in the room so that you've done high altitude training so that you can endure lower oxygen environments.

But the child will start to get a little woozy. And then as soon as you do, you bring the temperature back up, you bring the oxygen back up, and then all the beep boops start calming down because there was like red alarms going off too. There was like like super red alarms and strobe lights will be hitting and then everything will calm down. And then you'll tell a child like that was so close. Why did you eat that piece of chocolate? I told you something bad would happen. You can have one, but not more than one. And then for the rest of their life,

they will never eat another piece of chocolate, or at least not more than one. And so... That's great. How many points did Bob and I get for that? The reason I say this is because I kind of want to do a lies from our parents part two, but to take it to another level. I want to hear your constructed realities of how you would instill the fear of God into a child for anything like, you know, eating a piece of chocolate, you know, not doing

their homework, you know, like not doing their chores, uh, whatever, Something like that. I want to hear how you guys would, is discipline the right word? Traumatize? No, I don't think so. I think educate, educate. Lesson, formative memories is building. Redesign. For legal reasons, we would never do this.

For anecdotal reasons, I'm excited for this. Cognitively differ. Yeah. Cognitive behavioral science science that's a big thing i think this is like you know a level of inception you're creating like the most base level of memory you're accessing their subconscious you're you're rooting through their fear of this idea of they will remember this for the rest of their lives that's the idea but it's all harmless there's no harm sure i want to point that out sure there's no harm here i think it's important to probably qualify that as physical harm there's no physical harm all right i a couple things i before we jump into crafting our own alternate reality okay a couple things really stood out

one i love the idea of a giant syringe that also has a cattle prod on the end of it like doctor are you sure this is the only way listen electrojection is what we have to do for this disease no no no it's not obvious it's you can't harm the kid that's not the idea here inject low cruciate no it's not a real syringe it's a fake the electricity is to make it seem like something happened you know i would never electricity activates the vaccine as we inject it into your body it makes the muscle spasm which hyper circulates the important life-saving vaccine listen no no no non-harming we're not trying to harm the child you know it's all harmless physically physically harmless sure i also the other thing that stood out to me is i feel like

you went in a different direction but i feel like you you described such a great business opportunity and this may be seen as like a little like a prelude to mine my idea i'm crafting is unrelated to this this is like an everyman's way to emotionally manipulate your kid into not eating too much candy uh-huh uh it's a company called candy uncle and the entire service is based around the idea that you tell a kid if you eat more than one piece of candy, something bad will happen. Keep it vague. The thing that's bad that happens, though, is turns out Uncle Jeremiah, who just randomly appeared shortly after the birth of whatever kid. Right. Uncle Jeremiah is around a lot, stays over a lot. When you create the situation where you tempt the kid into eating too many candies, Uncle Jeremiah mysteriously dies oh that's

the bad thing you just rent uncle jeremiah from from candy uncle hangs around a little they can make the rounds right uncles aren't always there yeah a candy uncle can serve upwards of eight to ten families all at the same time as long as they're in the same region yeah candy uncles just drive from house to house spend a little time bring some you know small gifts trinkets toys whatever kid stuff yeah and then at the appropriate time you just make sure you schedule it with your candy uncle they're around the kid eats the the extra pieces of candy and uncle jeremiah uh bites it lesson lesson learned simple clean great business model you know actually that's so fantastic because number one it's just genius and number two they don't know that things are

directly correlated one to the other but they'll assume it is you know because they've always heard that something bad will happen if they eat too much candy and then uncle candy candy uncle dies suddenly and tragically and violently i hope no yeah it's gross it's very graphic it's a lot like what you described right but you yeah come upon the kid and you're like wait wait yeah did you did you eat an extra piece did you eat an extra piece of candy and then you're like come with me and you bring them into the room the staged room with the candy uncle there's blood vomiting things like they're super graphic super moist death oh yeah i was assuming that it was like you know they ate the piece of candy you're like oh how could you oh i i hope nothing bad happens and

then the next day they get a call what no to shreds you say you know and then it's a closed casket funeral very sad it costs more to have a fully dressed candy uncle death live of course yeah that's more but that's the different levels of service that you can offer right you can have a this is great a distant candy uncle the kid gets to know them establish the connection and then dies over the phone you can have dies in front of them you can have as the kid swallows the piece of candy violent traumatic death like the kid is swallowing the candy uncle walks into the room boom chandelier direct correlation like as the chocolate is melting and running down their throat they're swallowed the kid is like god it's good's good. Yeah. Dead uncle. That's a strong message, but that's harder to organize.

It costs a bit more. Yeah. Okay, so just to like play devil's advocate here, you know, what if this creates like a Dexter situation where the vision of the uncle's death creates this sense and need to murder people because that's how it works you know that like you've seen dexter have you sure yeah no i know people like him born in blood you know that happens all the time people it's the only way well if you're suspicious of that that's what orphanages are for you just take the kid there that's true you're

just gonna try again. Probably a defective kid. You can be the orphanage. I want to do over. Can I exchange? You accidentally burn some biscuits. What do you do? You make another tin of biscuits. That's actually the charitable arm of Candy Uncle.

They understand that this can't happen. There's a whole network of Candy Uncle orphanages filled with little murderers. They're so traumatized by the dramatic death of their their candy uncle that they've turned to this absolute sociopaths there's just like institutions where they lock up all these ruined humans and it's just like instead of candy uncle there's a bunch of like dexter's dads you know but it's like a ghost because in the show he's a ghost right so you get a hologram of the same guy that's trying to coach them to good but then you know you try to get them only kill bad people right but you've got a kill

switch if they go wrong you just have candy uncle show back up again you know and then his whole world gets turned upside down and they don't know how to deal you know candy uncle shows up and he's like i thought we only killed the good ones and he coaches him one-on-one make and he's like, I thought we only killed the good ones. What are we doing? And he coaches him one-on-one to make sure he's getting the right people. We only kill the good ones or we only kill the bad ones? The bad ones. I meant the bad ones. I meant the bad ones. Okay.

No, I said the wrong part. I said the wrong part. We only kill the good ones. See, you don't need a hologram because you just have Candy Uncle be the vision. You'll like have Candy Uncle stand outside their window at the orphanage and just look in and shake their head left and right. And then just like step backwards into the darkness, you know, no matter how much they all scream, you know.

Did you see Candy Uncle? I did. What? No. It's perfect. It's a perfect plan. Anyway, that's not my official submission to your prompt. As you were saying, that wasn't.

This is just a business idea. I have these ideas. I'm a businessman. Oh, I thought that was. Oh, wow. I just I could hear as you were talking that business opportunity. I hereby submit that as my idea. Well, that's not a that's not an alternate reality.

You said you don't want it. I'll take it. That's just a top notch, solid, investable business idea. And did you patent it, though? Oh, patent pending. I did. Isn't the patent always pending can't you just say that about anything like i can just invent something and someone

comes in like hey that is a guy how do you make that i'm gonna figure that out no no patent pending the patent is pending you can't do it because the patent it'll be here any day it's pending and when it gets here if you made it i don't even know what you you sue people i guess i guess yeah no oh no it's my idea to make candy uncle be murdered in front of these children it's my idea it's a totally different candy grandpa is a totally different company it's an unrelated business idea candy aunt it's so different there's no way you can assume that it wasn't assumed. Like, I want all of our listeners to rush the patent office right now and try to patent the idea of candy.

Candy puppy and all spinoffs, including candy lizard, candy hamster, and candy parakeet, are unrelated to your original idea, sir. In perpetuity throughout the universe, in the multiverse. I hate that language. Jesus Christ. You ever read a contract where you was like all right and we're gonna do we want you to play our video game for you know make a video at least 10 minutes long yeah and we will own the rights to it in perpetuity forever anywhere in the entire universe no matter what happens it's ours oh

fucking god oh my jeez yeah i mean that's a deep grab guys are making It's always startling when they hand you a contract and they're like, ah, it's just standard, you know, it's just boilerplate Whatever boilerplate means there's this boilerplate and I'm like, what's a boilerplate like I look at it It's like the universe perpetuity. I'm like, this is my soul is my soul a boilerplate Just make this video. We own the rights to you your channel your family your likeness your brand we take eight percent of any money you make from here on out um eight and a half i guess i don't know in perpetuity and if you if you breach this contract something bad will happen that's dude candy uncle isn't just for kids no not contract cousin you can candy uncle anyone you're trying to quit smoking?

You got smoky uncle. You got Uncle Smokey coming in. Uncle Smokey. All right, but that wasn't your official submission. I like, it was still great. No, I just had that thought. I just liked that idea. I thought that was worth talking about.

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more. Yeah, give your real submission. I'll talk in the last five minutes of this episode about my ideas. No, I was going to offer you the chance to go first. I know I can't. I don't want it. Alright. It's too early for you to start trying to lose it. Lose it the end, Wade. it all right it's too early for you to start trying to lose or lose at the end wave all right well it's gonna be hard to top all of these ideas yeah i've got three ideas that i've come up with oh nice one simple cheap you just do something to the candy

your own kids candy you know you're supposed to check it how we make sure no one fucked with it well you just like inject some laxative into their little M&M. So they steal a couple extra M&Ms. They're shitting their brains out the next few days. Easy. All right. Well, this kind of approaches the idea of no physical harm, right? I mean, listen. Is shitting harmful?

Yeah. I've had the runs before. It's not pleasant, but I was fine. You make sure they hydrate. They're fine. i'm okay cattle prods is the base level that i'll allow because it's temporary it's over as soon as it's done right are temporary it'll last forever that's not like a switch you can't turn off is it i've never actually taken if you take a laxative do you just shit forever is that what we're saying happens i don't know i don't think so maybe because if that's what happens i have a different opinion about this plan there's a thing there's a thing with pine

nuts that's kind of like that most people almost everyone once i let me look this up almost everyone who eats pine nuts it's just like normal food, right? It's just a pine nut. It has a certain taste. But some people have a condition called pine mouth afterwards, which is an intense metallic taste that can last from a few days to up to two weeks. And for some people, it lasts for months after eating pine nuts. Why? What's it do? I don't know. I've never looked it up deeper. I'm sure that we could right now look it up a little deeper. But it's one of those things

where it's like you'd think it would be temporary and yet it lasts forever. What was this? Hey, Siri, what is nut mouth? What was it? Is that what it's called? Yeah, it's nut mouth.

Also known as pine nut syndrome. Oh my God. The first result was pine mouth. Whenever I said nut mouth. Nut mouth. Hell yeah. Siri knew what I wanted. Yeah, I'm gonna google nut mouth. Let's see what my search history brings up.

Nut mouth. Pine mouth! Make sure you image resulted. Images, going to images. Of nut mouth. Eww. Eww, it's just a lot of mouths. God.

I don't like it. This is gross. I love this article. This sentence is, there's an unknown taste bud slayer robing the streets. One that makes Jack the Ripper seem like a pretty nice dude. Damn, who wrote this?

It's called Pine Mouth. Wow. Dude, when J. Jonah Jameson writes your health section articles, what the fuck? God. There's a menace in the streets. Pine nuts.

God, you know. Unmask yourself, demon. I'd like to think that in every small, tiny blog website that does articles, there's just one writer that just goes ham on every article, like just cannot bust out the thesaurus for every single article. It's their magnum opus. It's all the same tone too like it's like a food blog article there's a new burger beckoning in the distance summoning you to your inevitable doom yeah it's so good you'll want to die after you eat i don't

know i'm not that person i'm not that guy so i don't know what they would write it's really one of those things where um you you have uh I've lost, I've forgotten everything. Moving on. I literally, my brain emptied itself. I learned a new word from this. Yeah. I learned a new word from nut mouth. It's apparently a type of disguzia.

Disguzia. What is disguzia? A disguzia is an order. Nope, that's not the word. It's a disorder that distorts your sense of taste. All right, everyone. Your distractible vocab word of the day is discusia. You're welcome.

Discus me. Who says we're not an educational program? That's D-Y-S-G-E-U-S-I-A. Discusia. I remember what I was going to say. It's like there's so much opportunity for people to make blogs that aren't the typical blogs. Like cooking blogs are always like you tell a story about how this recipe was important to you and whatever. Why isn't there a scary cooking blog?

Why isn't there a threatening cooking blog? Why isn't there an ominous cooking blog? You know, there probably is just to go to the dark web for it. The dark web. I feel like that would be pretty popular. That sounds like the kind of thing that would really hit right now with people. Yeah, absolutely. I'd be like, yeah, it's just like a cooking blog but it's it's scary yeah and that brings us to our first sponsor of the day candy uncle.com slash distractible promo code

discusia i've heard of candy uncle get 20 off your first candy uncle teach your kid what the fuck they should be doing not just for kids wade candy uncle could be used for co-workers that's right distant relatives fast food fred for their fast food needs that one neighbor who never fucking puts their trash cans away after trash day trashy ted anyone who needs to learn a lesson you know what neighbor ted if you don't put your trash cans away, something bad is going to happen. Probably to your candy uncle. Impeccable lawn, Larry. Oh, I saw a dandelion in your grass.

Better get rid of it. Okay, Larry. I'll show him. Yeah. All right, wait, you said you had two more ideas. Yeah, keep going. Yeah, I'll keep them quick. So laxative candy was the first one.

Yep. And so this is kind of similar was the first one yep uh and so this is kind of similar to the candy uncle a little different it's uh it's more of like the i'm not mad just disappointed it's if uh you catch your kid eating that second piece of candy it breaks your heart so bad that you leave and don't come back one parent will leave and not come back and then maybe they get a second chance but it's like i can't i thought i raised you better and you pack your bags while they're crying begging no mommy please don't go you get in the car and you're like i'm sorry but you're no son of mine and then you drive off yeah it's that meme where the kid is like waving at the camera and he slowly just fades away into nothingness and disappears, but it's about the candy. Yeah. Or you have a

situation where it's not so blunt. You have all your fishing gear on the next morning. It was like, I was going to surprise you with a fishing trip, but I guess I'll go myself since you don't want to follow the rules. We'll talk when I get back, you know, and you got your fishing hat with all the lures on and a big ass fishing rod and a tackle box and you go out and you just never come back for as long as necessary for the child to learn the lesson you observe from the shadows you had camouflage fishing gear so you can watch from the woods you know it was actually your camping gear you're camping outside then you just wait a few weeks and when the time is right you come back but if they just keep eating candy while you're away you just never come back i like it i like are they by

themselves are they someone else helping them eat are they just are you married i don't know is it your kid i don't know the situation this is for any child that's fair that's fair if you have a mom good for you you might have a chance if not fend for yourself you little shit i have i have very destructive impulses i don't know i thought where you're going marcus you're like i'll i'll just go on the fishing trip by myself and then you have a whole fake produced newscast about how this fishing boat sunk and there were no survivors and all this stuff yes yeah absolutely then the kid will be like oh i'm glad i didn't go i would have died too you actually have it on the tv ready to go and as soon as the door closes it automatically plays on the tv at full volume like local man someone's uh

dad i guess i don't know someone's friend no no fully cartoon like local dad jimmy's dad went on a fishing trip by himself because his son refused to follow the candy rules that's so funny you got one more way to last idea last idea and i'll turn it over yeah so kids care about christmas and presents and stuff right and then there's a whole like naughty or nice list for santa sure so your kid eats that other piece of candy you have a fake letter ready to go you're like oh i got a letter from santa no this can't be you you made the naughty list we have to pack your bags right now you gotta go and then you send them to santa's workshop which is definitely not a sweatshop for kids but you know you just kind of put them to work in santa's shop making little

sleds and some fake wheels make them whittle some wood do i don't know cad work what that cad stands for crafting and dumb or something cardboard assisted design i think yeah whoa yeah uh well that hurt my brain bob that that hurt it hurt a lot hurt more than you know candy am dumb there you go cad candy am dumb you gotta go your candy am dumb shop and your santa's shop you have you it's like a candy uncle you have your like you know candy santa and other like kids who have to work there. But they're all like paid actors and shit, but not you. No, you're put to fucking work for being the little shit you are.

Or kids know that they'll get coal for Christmas if they're bad, right? Yeah. And so when they do the thing that is bad at any point in the year, you never call them out about it. You just keep reminding them that if they're bad they get coal for christmas and then on christmas morning when they're getting out of bed all cheery-eyed and ready for presents they rush out of their room downstairs and every present box is full of coal but not only that in the kitchen is a life-size coal statue of their mom cooking their Christmas breakfast. And you can smell the pancakes burning on the stove

because you left it on. Just like, and as soon as he touches the statue, it'll crumble to pieces in front of his eyes. And also you've educated the child what coal is, so they know what coal is and they're aware of it and can identify it immediately. And then- You took a family vacation to the coal mine.

Exactly, exactly. They run upstairs going, dad, dad, or other person. And then they open the door and you're like in bed is a full life-size coal, like assembly of you with glasses on the face part. And as soon as they touch it, it all crumbles down. And then you'll have someone playing Santa standing behind him in the doorway as he turns around sobbing and heaving, hopefully, at this point. And he just shakes his head, opens a big book that says naughty list on the front end, does a big dramatic with his feather pen, a check in there, just check.

And then he walks away. That's another option. Hope that second M&M was worth it, Timmy. I hate doing this anyway good i award one point for each of those ideas that's three way to go bud you got there thank you he created an opportunity for you to learn and you took it yeah it's all about learning this is what it is it's not like anything else we we didn't think of the right word it's learning you're educating you're teaching educating well that's because you sent mathematical matthew to me to help me learn yep god is that the best math tutor

that's ever lived mathematical matthew is here to help you solve all your algebra problems good man good all right what if a parent was just obsessed with that like i don't know obsessed with alliteration or something it was like this is sciencey susan she's gonna be your science tutor it's mathematical matthew this is eric the english nerd he calls himself that it It's okay. This is history Hannah. History Hank, obviously. Yeah, obviously. Oh. Because history is told by men.

Mmm. This is a bold episode. Sorry, I don't know where that came from. That was fucked up. Well, this will be the last episode of Distractable. I hope you all enjoyed listening while we had a platform. Yeah, we had a good run, everybody. Oddly enough, the traumatizing children did not do us in.

That one statement did. We hereby apologize and will gracefully bow out. No, listen, it was a joke. If you explain it, it's not funny, but everyone knows it was a joke, okay? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. So was our overreaction. It was all part of the bid there will be a poll on the distractible subreddit whether you accept bob's apology wait did you guys see on the subreddit did you see there's a poll going on right now it's at the top of the subreddit you see it see

what it's about what is it who is the funniest member of the podcast i gotta go and vote for bob real quick i have not checked in the last day or two or whatever but the rankings are obviously i'm number one of course yeah a close second last i looked literally by like 10 votes or something like barely even in second place who's your guess uh who you guys think baltimore is he on there is he on the list i'm gonna go with will will mark is actually right it's baltimore i mean just like every intro is gold. So can't fault that. That's fine.

I like being underappreciated for my comedic genius. And then a few other guys. I don't even know who is. Oh, thanks. So you're both tied for last. All right, cool. That's great. But like the votes are super close.

Like Baltimore is going to pass me, I think. Yeah, because everyone loves him. Of course. He's incredible. For those that don't know. And there are some people that don't know. The narrator at the beginning of these episodes is known on youtube and twitter as baltimore it's hard to link things on like podcast sites but go google baltimore he does great if you

like warhammer 40k he does great in-depth lore videos all in his voice if you want more of that voice go watch those videos like and he's just been such an incredible help. True appreciation for that, man. The intros are pretty gold. They are pretty gold. All right. Now I'm going to turn it back over to Bob, because you said before that that was just an off the cuff thought. And this is your real idea for this process.

Well, so it's like you said, Mark, it's education, right? It's educational. I don't want this to be a negative experience. I don't want the kid to actually feel like they've lost anything. Of course. So my idea, and it's not dissimilar to Wade's, like I have to give credit for Wade. I think he captured a lot of the important parts of what I'm about to do. Laxative candy.

My idea focuses around getting in contact with a movie and graphical effects studio and maybe these are packages maybe these are sold on some sort of parents only marketplace where kids don't get to know that they exist uh but you basically you have a bunch of different uh like war of the worlds style apocalyptic and or catastrophic event uh news stories and you just have them ready to go right and you create it's not an overt thing where you're like you killed these people you did it's more like you set up the rules one piece of candy no more more than one something bad happens and then you create this association of like the first time you do it on purpose the first time you give them their piece of candy and they eat it and you're like oh it looks like look at you really enjoyed

that like do you want to i know you're not supposed to but do you want a second one you know you stress it like i this breaks the rules this breaks the rules but like dude i just you know i love you so much i want you to have a good time and of course the kid is gonna be like yeah more candy all right and as they're like you hand them the candy as they're like unwrapping it starting to starting to enjoy the second piece of candy. You have your phone out, right? You're watching social media, whatever. And you pull up a tweet from CMM, an official news source. It's a video that is detailing some catastrophic event. So a freak unexplainable tsunami has sprung up in the Pacific Ocean or a sinkhole has opened in the heart of uh i don't

know nice in france somewhere where it's like you have to explain to your kid like no no this isn't by us this is in europe it's like across the but like so weird like right as you were eating that candy right as you broke that rule this thing happened and you just you have a whole litany of these right maybe it's celebrity deaths maybe steve from Blue's Clues dies in one of them. That'd be pretty tragic for a lot of people. That'd be a strong message. And you just create this association where it's like, every time your child gets the second piece of candy, you've got one of these videos queued up. It's on Twitter. It's on TikTok. Some of them are like handheld shaky cam, first person things on TikTok or things like that. Some of them are like handheld shaky cam first person things

on TikTok or things like that. So this is not like turning the kid into a sociopath, ruining their life. It creates like the superstition, right? It creates this in the back of their mind, this fear of like, I'm not doing these things. They're probably not even related to me. They're happening all across the world, far, far away. But somehow every time I break the candy rule, some crazy shit happens. What's the deal with that? And so it just, instead of brute force traumatizing them into it, you're, you're teaching, right? You're creating this very healthy superstition that somehow this child's eating habits dictate world events and are tied in some way to astronomically

unpredictable catastrophes and things. Super effective, subtle, easy to do. All you need is your phone or tablet or TV, whatever you played on, whatever screen you want. And nothing falls directly on the kid. But they sort of know, right? Yeah. They make the connection.

Yeah, I feel like that's a great idea because it really builds a psychological effect over a long period of time. It really compounds it. But I don't think it leverages technology enough. What if you created like some custom Alexa like voicing or whatever smart speaker sponsors this podcast? You had like a smart speaker, right? With like an AI that talks.

And then at night, this AI would like whisper things to the child. Like just like suddenly come on in the middle of the night and blast one of those stories that you were talking about, how like, like in the middle of the night and really like associated that like these weird things around them were just reminding them of all the things that were going on in the world so that if they're laying awake at night in bed and wondering like, ah, there's no way that I could have done it.

15 people died in Guatemalaatemala like also and then you have a follow-up story immediately after about like how candy consumption is increasing throughout the world and that's a problem no yeah yeah yeah supplemental stories i like that it's it's uh scientists have concluded that candy consumption is up that uh if a person eats more than one piece of candy uh scientists have concluded that that's bad. Keep it vague. And keep it pseudoscience-y. Oh, yeah.

Because they're going to Google it, right? How old are these kids watching this stuff? Because is it going to stick if they're young enough? Maybe we should infect their cartoons. Exactly. Well, it's a progression. When they're younger, you got to hit what they care about, right? Uh-huh.

Yeah. I know my niece really liked sophie the giraffe what if like one episode you tune in and sophie's just laying there dead with a fucking crunch bar next to her or something you know exactly but you insert like one frame of it in the cartoon so like you you download the episode beforehand and you hack into your local tv station and you switch the tapes out before it goes up for broadcast so this will have like a global effect but you know that way when they go to school and they're like did you see that thing last night when you were watching the cartoon they'll be like yeah i did i have no idea what that was i thought i saw a frame of like the main character dead with a candy bar next to him and my name written on the wall in blood like

yeah i saw that too and that way it's not paranoia and they weren't crazy they definitely saw it you know it's real oh it's not paranoia if it's real this episode of regrets has been canceled because tommy ate too much candy and has passed away i mean kids kids don't know either right you could have you could have news stories about uh catastrophes occurring in the world of bluey or paw patrol or uh i mean blues clues is still happening yeah i already said that one but i'm their third guy on blues clues yeah and can i just say i watched an episode recently this guy is way better yeah well that's good he's a performer oh good he's he's fun to watch he's killing it yeah the intermediate guy was chill and nice and and there's nothing wrong with him joe i think his name was maybe the new guy love him top notch

that's great television well i've been avoiding joe all these years i'll have to go back and watch out there's a new yeah wait i have to call out that the only cartoon that sprung to mind was rugrats a cartoon that has not been on the air since the early 90s late 90s early 2000s reruns reruns i mean i don't count rugrats all grown up or anything like that it's just like you could have said spongebob at least because i think that's still going on. But Rugrats. What are the popular cartoons nowadays? Doug? Doug? Come on. What about Rocko's Modern Life?

Ah, real monsters? All right. Rugrats premiered in 91, and the last new episode was in 94. But it was on reruns for a long time. I watched Rugrats as a kid in the late 90s i still watch them they're still on they're still new right you have one tape that's been looping on your tv down the basement hey my favorite show oh my god have i been candy uncle i don't know is anything horrific happening your rugrats shows anyone die or get horribly sick

that's why i can't watch hey arnold anymore oh that's a good show well uh your traumatic things that are still ongoing in your life aside now that we've uh covered that topic i think these are all fantastic ideas and really explore the depths of how much uh we could manipulate a child but i think we haven't found the absolute perfect scenario that guarantees what's missing. What are you looking for? So with all workshop, this all of these elements, we have these like various experiences that are really going to impact memory into their heads. We even have follow up stuff, we have subtlety and stuff, but there's no guarantees of how to really affect a child so i want to explore a little deeper what if vin diesel go on that's 90 of the idea vin diesel stops making fast and

furious movies it's about family duh vin diesel is paid by the government or by a non-profit organization to show up anytime a kid eats an extra piece of candy and he so he shows up and bashes down the door and is like what did you do god you guys you're gonna hurt your family you guys really got a finger on the pulse of what kids care about these days they wouldn't want to be scolded by the d's they wouldn't want these nuts to show up and tell them what's what you know i can't prove that that wouldn't be the case that they wouldn't want kids love jay leno right good jay leno jay leno pulls up in some obscure crazy looking ass sports car is like extra piece of candy what are you doing it's me Jay Leno did I ever tell you about the time that

Jay Leno drove by me like uh on some random ass street in the middle of Burbank no did you know it was him because his car looked like a spaceship motorcycle no like I really didn't know who it was until he waved at me and it was one of those things where it was just like this really old car that was going like 10 miles an hour was driving down this road i think i was waiting for an uber and it's so slow and it's like the slowest pass ever and you know when he gets up to me he looks at me he honks twice and waves and i'm like wave back okay hello whoever you are and by the time he was gone i was like oh is that jay leno i like the idea that he drives around thinking he's his own parade every day.

So he just goes really slow and like. No, I mean, like people like that's what he does. Like, I didn't even know that was a thing that he did. I thought it was just a really weird, random encounter. Does he do that? Yeah. No, no. He has Jay's garage as a whole thing.

He has he has one of the like world's largest car collections. He has all these obscure things. Why do that part he might have been driving slow because he was driving like a steam powered oil engine like he literally has cars where it's like it's more complicated to drive than an airplane is to fly and its top speed is eight miles an hour it was built in 1906 before cars were a concept like he has all this crazy shit in his garage and he makes videos where literally he just drives around like burbank or wherever he lives and is like talking about the car and that's the whole thing uh yeah because what do you do after you've been retired and

you've made ungodly amounts of money from your hosting gig for however long it was you drive yeah just drive your cars man pretty much i was really hoping that story would take a turn where he drove slowly up to you honked twice and then was like are you mark oh my god like whoa whoa will you sign my car i didn't see that coming yeah no that was the detail i left out that definitely happened but i don't like to call it embarrassing no way man come on guys come on guys anyway so back to the topic at hand. There's really got to be a way that we guarantee this. Exploiting current things, technology, other than like TVs and uncles and whatever. It's got to be like, what do the kids care about these days that we can really turn upside down?

You know what I mean? Uh-huh. Because it's not just candy. Like, a kid can live without candy. And it's like the important lessons in life are beyond just not eating candy how do we get to the root of it all how do we get to the core because the idea hopefully is making this child whoever's child it is as good of a human being as possible because that's the responsibility that we all have it takes a village to raise a kid yep and what is

the planet but a big village? Yep. Yep. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. So you're questing, you're endeavoring from your initial question. You're hoping to make the kids in the world, kids of the world, the best fossil people. This is all for the betterment of humanity. Do all kids have like a comfort toy of some kind? Like I know when I was young, I had like this blanket when I was really little.

And I had like a couple of stuffed animals that I always took around with me everywhere. Rocky the raccoon. Do all kids have that like i don't know when i was young i had like this blanket when i was really little and i had like a couple of stuffed animals that i always took around me everywhere rocky the raccoon do all kids have that i don't know maybe yes rocky the raccoon because we could totally kill off their favorite you know toy i don't know how that's gonna make how's it gonna make them better that's a dark direction that's a dark direction i wasn't worried about that i was more worried about trauma infliction than i was curing okay wow think inspirational way aspirational inspirational all these ideas have been inspirational and educational and for the betterment of the child no one can argue that no one can argue that you're sick oh yeah sick man oh god yeah no you know what we need to do i know how we reach these kids the responsible

positive influence that we are we band together with other positive responsible positive people uh-huh said positive too many times but you know what i'm going for no i get you we create a war and we send them to it made them fight corporate tiktok account ah i was close and we put all of our time and energy and cognitive faculties and resources we have, we pour it into creating TikTok dance trends that have positive messaging associated with them. There's like a dance where there's a lot of scooping and reaching down and you're picking up litter off the sidewalk, litter off the sidewalk, sweeping out the gutter, litter off the sidewalk. It's a whole thing. It's a dance. You got to pick the right song. I'm not the expert on this we're gonna need to bring in some people to

really dial this in you know right there's another one with a lot of standing up straight arms out opening and closing hugging hugging stranger you get a hug you get a hug you get it it's a whole the messaging we need experts for this but you see where i'm going right yeah but i don't know about the message of like you should hug strangers and this should be a dance trend no no hug everyone anyone and you know all of this is like where's the scare factor we still gotta scare them i got it still gotta let them i've got an idea so it's important for kids to understand personal responsibility things that are good for them making decisions that are good for them right and also decisions that are good and make a good impact on the community around them.

We want kids to be able to eventually leave the nest whenever they get old enough, become adults. We want them to be able to survive in the real world. So we need to get survival skills, personable accountability and responsibility and caring about community, right? So we create a Lord of the Flies scenario where we put these kids on an island and we have candy like strategically placed all over. And these kids get a delivery of like food and stuff every single day as long as no candy is eaten. But we like plant people that go around like, hey, it's okay. You can eat this candy bar. And we give them all the temptation in the world to take this candy. If any of them take it, one, they're letting each other down.

And they're going to find out which kid caused them not to get dinner tonight. Two. Go ahead. No, go ahead. I was going to say just like instead of a person going around you have a snake an animatronic snake that you have slithered around like whisper like temptations into their ear i just wanted to throw that out there snake but some kids are like afraid of snakes and stuff we want this to be as tempting as possible so honestly maybe what are

kids like uh spongebob spongebob walking around island. I think that might be more terrifying than a snake. What size? What size? How tall is SpongeBob? Because in the show, he's small. He's SpongeBob. No, he can't be that big. He's got to be close to their size, honestly. Maybe a little bit taller, but not too much.

Okay. Can he be 20 feet tall SpongeBob telling him they can eat the candy on the island? It's hard for him to sneak around, but we can make it work. No, it's an island. He's a sponge. He goes in the ocean, then he rises from the deep and shouts temptations he comes out of the ocean like godzilla kids walking around looking for the daily delivery and just got yeah god spongebob ocean sparks roiling and put it it's like spongebob and he's just like you know godzilla spongebob right right yeah are you ready kid

aye aye captain yeah i can't hear you aye aye captain and just spongebob emerges my god i'm just envisioning michael bay's spongebob now it's like the trailer to it it's blackness and then you just feel like are you ready kids screech in the distance a flash of like a spongebobby monster shot yeah i can't hear you out of the ocean yeah no uh war ships are being pushed out of the way you know like you know you got aircraft carriers and it lands on the camera yeah the blockade to keep these kids on the island the classic action sound yeah exactly and then you get a shot from space of the sponge the name of the movie would be the sponge you know like uh it's wading through the world

and then cuts to black you see like the date it's gonna come out you hear i can't do spongebob whatever that's perfect i feel like spongebob's here with us hey listen i didn't do it because i knew i couldn't mark tried that's bold thank you brave right there thank you that's very brave thank you thank you thank you i will deduct my own points thank you no no but i like your idea win i think what we should do we should build an enormous, elaborate maze filled with murderous contraptions and robots that patrol. And in the center of the maze, we create a society of just children. And we give them supplies, but they have no guidance. They have to learn how to live together.

They have to organize themselves. They have to take care of each other. They have to learn community until they get to the point where they're such a strong unit that they're able to escape from the maze and any children that escape the maze are then welcomed into regular society as fully formed totally fine adults positive members of society or competition among all the kids we've got to fight to the death and only the winner gets to leave but they get different advantages because they're not told not to eat candy, but they're given like a room full of like food and snacks and treats and candy and all kinds of stuff.

Yeah. And the less candy they eat, like better weaponry and armor and stuff they get. Maybe they come from different districts or something. We call it like the candy games. Okay, cool. This is great. I like the idea that I've forgotten everything I was going to say again. It's gone can have someone who at the beginning of every competition is like may the gobs be ever in your favor oh yeah right that's for you wade thank you what the fuck was i gonna say i had it

and i lost you gotta write stuff down or something man i don't know i guess i should the fuck was it it was related to that you didn't need so much candy you'd have a better memory was it about the maze runner reference or the no the mockingjay reference no it was about like a colony of children and like what the fuck yeah whatever uh we'll edit in something funny i said in a last episode and just slap it in here and get bob and wade laughing at it well they're not just oxygen all of the nutrients that flow through the body flow through the butt but the blood thanks guys thank you all right oh man wow i think you should make yourself the winner after that one yeah yeah oh man tears in my eyes that'll wrap it up for this episode i think we explored a lot of really interesting ideas here all the patents are pending for these ideas even though this is probably our last episode ever because that's

the title the last episode ever not clickbait not clickbait at all yeah but uh thank you guys i'm going to tabulate the points right now but i just want to stress before i get to the results i do which were all incredible ideas and very revealing of our own inner workings and how we think and how we appreciate those around us and how we fit in as societal members of society. So, Wade, you got the obviously the three points for each of those ones initially, but you also got two points beforehand for a witty response to Bob's initial idea, which I thought was very good. Thank you. So that means you have two plus the three plus one and one. That means you have seven, seven points. Mathematical math says seven. That's good. That's very good. Bob, with that super strong opening, just off the cuff idea for the

speed at which it was delivered and the thoroughness at which it was explored. Five points. I already said that I did. I said that a while ago. I already said that i did i said that a while ago i already had those he literally said i said that a while ago i thought he forgot about it like he forgot his idea not quite sorry thank god i wrote those down i wrote the points down none of my other ideas the important stuff and then you add a follow-up one point one point and then two points so you golf rules are we doing golf rules this episode? Have nine points to win seven. And therefore you are the winner. Congratulations.

Yes. But I'm two under par. Who's at par? How is nine possibly par? It's a big hole. That would make it easier. You don't even know golf rules. It's a 10 foot par nine.

It's a big green. It's a real big one. The rule is get it in the Grand Canyon. We start right on the edge of the Grand Canyon. It's bar nine. That's right, steroid users. You don't have a chance. Well, anyway, Bob, congratulations.

I will give you a moment to deliver your victory speech. I am where I belong on top once again. I'm okay being on the bottom. It's where the boobs dangle in your face. I think if we've learned anything today, it's that I'm a shrewd businessman, an excellent parent, and the best competitor between me and Wade during this episode. Those are all facts. Facts. Those are all true.

Wade, please tell some lies to even it out. I'm great. I thought I had a really good episode here today and I will try harder next time laughing laughing I didn't know we were playing two lies in a lie laughing

alright well thank you everybody at home for listening we disavow anything that we said in this episode none of it was true none of it is believable and anything that we said in this episode none of it was true none of it is uh believable and nothing that we say on this episode should ever be attempted uh we are professional idiots and uh remember to subscribe to this podcast to listen again for our idiocy to worm its way into your brain thank you you can find bob and wade at the various social channels uh you can find me wherever i am but you can find all of us right here every Monday with Distractible.

Thank you again and podcast out. Candy Uncle, it's the candy for you. Yeah, Will, can you make a custom jingle for Candy Uncle and hire some people on Fiverr to sing it? And that'd be great. Thank you. No more chocolate, no more sweets. Call Candy Uncle for behavioral needs.