Distractible - Bob's One Man Show

Episode Date: September 19, 2025

The spotlight gets turned over to Bob as he performs a one man show, written just for him by Mark and Wade. Get set up quick and connect to their fast speeds. Learn more at uber.com/onourway Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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And gives a tour de force By emphatically dancing through the trials of the terror twins From a frenzied intro to a father's love It's time for Bob's one-man's show Now sit back And prepare to be distracted And enjoy the show

Read all instructions in parentheses aloud. Hello and welcome to Distractable. My name is Bob Milky Nips and I will be your host on today's episode. It's going to be a fire one today. Filled to the brim with milk goodness from your favorite milky man, Bloorb. Blorb! Ha! Oh man, I must be sleepy or something.

Let me try that again. Hi there and welcome to Dextractable. My name is Blorb muncher and I'm going to host you today. Whoa, EAPD alarm. I didn't sleep so good. But did the baby and all descendant to 19. 1920s gangster accent. Yeah.

A little... Wait, hang on. Do I know that accent? A little crime lord, that one. Just another one of the boys. But if he tries to make a move on me's plural possessive, he's going to be sleeping with the fishes.

And by fishes, I mean the stuffed fish toy I gave him for his turd birthday. That hasn't happened yet. That was my own parenthetical. Does somebody say turd? Welcome to the eighth of turd member. Turtember.

Welcome to the 12th of Plunge Timber. Alternates for the right day to hit read all of them in sequence. Welcome to the 15th of flushed timber. Welcome to the ninth or third accurate date, refurbatim of poop timber. Welcome to the 22nd of Diary Ember. I'm your host. You should be out of the gangster angstet by now. Big Bass Sassafras and I'll be guiding you through my impeccable and topical one-man show.

Hey, wow. Can you imagine the amount of work I've put into making this something special for you? Please stand up and twirl like a ballerina. Oh, I had to read all this ahead of time. Slam both palms on your desk and act surprised. Make Pog face. What's Pog face? Give me an example.

Okay. Oh, my good gravy gracious. I nearly forgot to tell you. This should be shouted if you didn't shout it. Please read again and shout. I shouted, right? No. No.

Okay. Oh my good. to be gracious, I nearly forgot to tell you. Wow, wow, wow, wow, this is so exciting for me to deliver you this incredible news. Clarity on previous instruction, it was to read and then shout. If you went back to reread but delivered the lines in a shouting manner, please go back and read each word individually with a scream of fear in between each word. If you somehow manage to do it as instructed, go back and do it anyway,

starting with the palm slamming on the desk and add a small bounce in between each word as you shout. Oh, ha, my, ha, good, ha, gravy, ha, gracious, ha, I, ha, nearly, forgot to, ha, tell you, you, ha, this part, this should be shouted. This ha, should, ha, be shouted, ha, if you- You can admit those. What, no, go on, okay, wow, wow, wow, ha, wow, ha, this ha is ha, so, exciting, ha, for me. to deliver. You. This incredible

no news. All right. You're clear of the shouting. You're good. Okay. So that instruction's over. Yeah, yeah. It's over.

Okay. I'm joined by my good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good. You may not skip a single one of these. Good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good. Good. friends, Mark, Markiplier, Fishbach, and Wade, he does have a real car that exists, Barnes. Dwarl and gesture elegantly to both of your co-hosts, bow reverently, blow kisses,

clap your hands with glee and giddiness. Allow your overlords to introduce themselves. What was the next one? Come on. oh man thank you bob i hate to intrude on your one-man show uh but wait i'm i don't know if you caught that but uh i think he missed a good i think there was i missed good i think there was one missed good i counted them with my fingers so i think he should go back to the top and take it run again we'll just edit oh now hold on by top read all instructions in

parentheses allowed hello and welcome to distractible my name is bob milky nips and i will be don't say things if you don't mean them you said top man i don't know all right we'll forgive you for that one i mean you know we we mess up these intros all the time but i'm mark can you tell who wrote the intro bob i have a guess i know which one of you uses words like reverently and glee and giddiness it was Amy. But yeah, Wade. Hey, man. Thank you for the great introduction. Appreciate that. Hopefully you got your energy going. You're wide awake, ready to go. I'm Epey. Didn't you hear me? Yes. Sorry, am I not supposed to interject. Am I just supposed to sit quietly? Oh, you're the host, man. Yeah, you are. This is your show. It's your show. We're just here to tell you when you do it wrong,

to yell at you, laugh at you, and make you suffer. The rest is all you. Well, anyway, we are all here to enjoy. All right, we're going to torture you. I hadn't guessed that yet. That first part was all good fun. It was. It was really. It really had a great time. The shouts of fear between Detroit was so much better than I

imagined it to me. I actually thought you might knock yourself out. I am sweaty already, so that's a bad start. That's good. That's good. Well, we can let you relax. So I mean, usually we do small talk, so we could. I shattered a glass on my foot right before this.

Just to feel something or? No, just to scare the shit out of myself. And then the dog and then the baby all came home all at once and we're all glass on the floor. Stomp, stom, stom, stom, tom, top, don't put it in your mouth, whatever. That's fun. Was it at least empty so that way there was a mess on top of mess? I can't even explain why, but it was full of magnets, which didn't really cause any problems. It's just weird.

I have no further questions. Yeah, why was a glass full of mass? magnets. They were fridge magnets, but like they weren't on the fridge, but they were designed to go on the fridge, but that's where we keep them. Oh, I have a little update. This, this arrived. This thing. Oh, shit. But I haven't used it yet, so I have no idea if it's any good. Okay, I thought you were about to absolutely blast them. No, but I will. Don't worry. Would you see they've made a couple of TikToks being really hyped up? Yeah. They're jumping the gun a bit on whether or not I'll like this or not. Yeah, they're getting a little excited. I don't know. Oh, yeah. That's fine. That's fine. I can't hear you. So it sounds like you're just mumbling crazy to yourself. That's because I'm so far away. I can't. All right. So, uh, uh, Wade, you got any news before we jump into this beautiful, uh, yesterday was garbage night. That's it. That's the most exciting thing in your life. All right, we'll save it for the next one. You know, when you were over at the house last weekend, and we had kind of too much food for everyone, and we put out a big

plate of shrimp and zero people ate any shrimp. I remember seeing shrimp, but yeah, I believe that. Shrimp makes garbage smell so fucking nasty. Yeah, it would. Any seafood would, yeah. We ate as many as we could, but some of them ended up going bad, and our whole, for like a day and a half, our whole fucking garage smelled so bad. I should have choked him in the freezer or something, but I was like,

ah, it's like trash day tomorrow or the next day or something, and just put them in the trash, like an idiot. We have similar issues with teeters using potty pads. Turns out, cooped up in a humid hot garage. It does not smell great. Yeah, you got to really bagged that stuff up. Yeah, even bagged up, just a little leakage. You got to really seal those or any single leak is a problem.

Yeah, that brand new car smells shifting real quick to something else. Bob, you warmed up? How could I not be? All right, good. Welcome to guess, what was the name of the other episode? Guess that animal? Animal guess Guess the

Guess the animal It was your episode What are you looking at us about I can't remember I never know what their names I have no idea what it was called I'm pretty sure it was called What animal was that

That you heard just now It was probably called like Bob meows at 22 minutes or something It was probably something like that Well anyway so we didn't have time To source up any animal noises So Bob you're gonna be providing The animal noises

Sure sure Yeah we're gonna tell you What the animal was And if we guess what it is We get a point I feel like you should know what it is if you're going to tell me what it is. I don't know. Oh, do I get to pick whatever animals I want?

Uh, yeah. Why not? Unless, Wade, you had another way you wanted this going. No, I mean, I had some stuff listed, but we can totally let him. All right, Bob, here's how it's going to go. We're going to give you a list of these animals. You can't look them up, but we're sure that you know them. You're going to do an impression of those animals.

We're going to have to guess which one it is, and whoever guesses will get a point. Why is it space like this? I'm formatting. I literally said there's a bit of a formatting error. I'm going to fix it. It's because a document. What do you mean? You're looking at the same document I have.

Oh, what happened? What went wrong? I was trying to fix it, but then you were like, whoa, the documents. How is this causing strife between you two? Because I find it hilarious. It's fine. It's fine. All right, Bob, are you ready?

Oh, yeah. I'm going to kick your butt, Wade. All right. Don't tell us the name of what it is. We'll guess. All right. Yep. I got it.

In no particular order. Oh, Mark, I got a guess for this one. Oh, you got a guess? Ah, damn. That's it. That's the whole sound. I think that's the sound. Are we just guessing now?

Yeah, yeah, I guess. The Dickinsonia. You wish. It's the Jagged Terrier. It's pronounced Yagged Terrier, but no, it's not that. Why do we have to be the ones to pronounce these? I pick some of these things to make him pronounce them. Because he has to make the animal noises, man.

Do you want to make the animal noises? Oh, what a twist of events now. Come on, you can read these. All right. X. Zalai sequentially. Is that the one? No.

Here, let me do it again. Think. Think. What sounds like this? Ow. Ow. I know what it is. Dang, buzz, bamboo worms.

Yes, thank you. Yeah. You're keeping track of points, right? me yeah sure sure sure all right wait i'm gonna kick your butt this episode apparently i man how'd you how'd you get what else sounds like that that sounds like worms i mean it could have been the the lasapoo you know the fertile land snake as like an embryo or something like that we'll wax you do you guys have any points yet i do yeah aside from the one probably tons uh all right next one.

Kaka! Kaka! Could be anything. That's your guess first. I went first last time. It's got to be the fertile land snake. That is not what snake sound like. The Pesquette's Parrot. Dracula Parrot.

Pescais parrot? No, it is not that. Is it the red-tailed cuckoo bumblebee? Is that one animal? No. That is one animal. It's not either of those. or if that's one animal, it's definitely not that. Been married for seven years.

Is that Molly? She's not on the list. Oh, she is on the list. Sometimes. It's a hard to pronounce one. Do you want to, yeah, do you want a clue? It's hard to pronounce. Gomphothetherium.

That's not hard to pronounce. It's hard for me. Gomphothotherium. Cepalispis. I'm sorry, what? Cephalopis. Nope. Keep going.

No, I don't know what you were saying. Keep trying. Oh, cephalaspis. Cepalaspis. Oh, no, it's not that Okay It's a Vestal cuckoo bumblebee

No, but I like how many bumblebees They are on this list You said it's hard to pronounce Yorkie A po-o Yorky poo The dog breed Yorkie poo? Yeah

No, it's not that Cuckoo Cuckoo! Cuckoo! These impressions just aren't great It makes this tough I feel like this is gonna be spot on

when we check this one. Icadiptis? No. No? Ah, damn. No. It's two words. Eard gravy.

Grebe. No. It's Hammond's flycatcher. Ah, no. No. Oh, damn. Session one taken? Tibetan taken.

Two words, just ones in parentheses. Two sets of two words. No, you guys are really digging all the way down until it's going to be the last one that is two words. I got it. I got it. It's a cats. Quetzal-Quatlus Northropi. That can't be it.

That is it. You guys are idiots. Hey, whoa, hey. It's the Quetzel-Cotlis northropy. It's a dinosaur bird. You know what Quetzel Cotlis is? Wait, how did you know what that was? Because I know what the fuck of Quetzel Codliss is.

Because it's a kind of dinosaur thing, and James likes dinosaurs. I didn't know we had dinosaurs on this list. I'm not going to all high. I didn't either. I didn't actually look at what the animals were. I didn't either. I just picked up fun names. All right, well, that's to me.

I'm not. I feel like you were trying to make me look stupid, and it's really backfiring. This is a little... I get it now. The frumph was clearly big leather wings. I see. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Well, you're going to look like a fool when you do another impression. This is going to look bad on you and not us. We thought this one through. Yeah, did we do this a little wrong? We should make him guess his own impression. That doesn't make sense.

We should have warmed up. I've got one. I've got one. You ready? You got your listening ears on? Yep. Zee! Zee!

Zee! Zee! This one is spot on. Is it my guess? Yes, your guess. Oh, man. I know what I think it is. It's got to be a zorce.

Obviously, it's a zorce. Yes, thank you. It could have been a zonky. It could have been. Unless that goes ziz, oh. Sorry, I don't want to ruin me. It's not my impressions. I apologize. All right. Well, I'm going to cross that off the list now. All right. That's good. There were two Zs anyway. Let's see. I don't know that this one specifically makes a lot of noise, but I'm going to try and capture the sound scape of this animal.

It's a northern alligator lizard. Point for Mark. Yep. I see. I got that. one because I got the the big he's a chomper yeah if it had a Canadian accent I feel like I would have it would have gotten it faster but close yeah that's fair

I don't know you tromp with Canadian accent but that's fine eh a that's the best Canadian impression I've ever heard in my life A who do you keep your zebra zee chomp? I'm toast if I uh if it's the best

impression wheel I got you're are you ready for this one yeah It's the physical and the sound. Okay, it's the whole thing. Never mind, I'll find someone else like you. Oh, thank God it's my turn. Adel's Penguin. Yeah, it's Adele's Penguin, obviously.

I mean, it's Adelaide's Penguin. Adel's Penguin. Yeah, for a one-man show, I feel like it suddenly became on us, Wade. Yeah, I really flipped. We did a terrible job at this. You made you guys the guessers. Yeah, I'm nailing these. All right, Mark, I'll give you a.

softball. Okay. Oh, Mark, I know this one. It's the epic crap battles of history, guys. All right, okay, all right. Is it the Jage Terrier? No, man, I like where your head's at. Oh, come on.

How is that not? Oh, I know what it is. Oh. Oh, this is clearly the Yorkie poo. That's correct, sir. Oh, no, my Coinbase withdrawal code! Someone's hacking into my crypto! Oh, bro, you're so cooked right now.

I'm cooked, I'm cooked. Don't click on those texts, especially when you don't have one. Yeah, since I don't use any crypto platforms at all, I find it really easy to avoid those scams. But, all right, um... Oh, I know this one. I know this one. but small

was me first but real small small I know this won't help you at all but there's a movie about this animal and the main character which is this animal

is voiced by Lynn Manuel Miranda Cephalopith no damn it can be that one of these times syphis syphis syphis syphilis uh

Molly dude if there was a a biopic about Molly voiced by Lynn Manwell Miranda. I'd watch it. I'd even call it a biopic. So was that wrong? I was wrong.

Oh, okay. You into Ethereum? Oh, okay. You're right. Are you going to make the noises before we're even guessing them right now? It's just cheating out here. That is?

That's the hood. Damn it. Is it gomphoetherium? No. Wow. Sessuant. It's not Sichuan takeout, no. You want a hint?

No. Hot on the trail, why would you need a hint? Yeah, exactly. It's gotta be opubinia. No. Ah, fuck. Kinky Jow? Yeah, it's pronounced Kinkajoo.

Jesus Christ. How is that small? They're small. They're like little purse monkeys. They're tiny. I don't even know what it is. How do you know these animals? Because there's a child's movie about a kinkajoo that's voice by Lynn Manuel Miranda and it has some really actually pretty good music in it

I doubt that very much Miranda from Mass Effect Yvonne Starovsky What's that called? It's not called Sony It's by Sony Pictures What's that called? Noddy Dog EA Ooh 20th century box

Paramounts It's called Vivo His name is Vivo I'm so close This episode is brought to you by Uber You know that feeling when someone shows up For you when you need it most Yeah

We all need that sometime. And Uber knows that. Uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered. It's showing up no matter what. I think that might be them knocking on the door because they're, you know, Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. Dude, them or the FBI. I'm not 100% sure.

Yep. When it really matters, whatever it is, you show up. Or there's a will. We're on our way. Uber. On our way. Download the app today. All right.

Well, I think, wait, I think we should move on because we're getting around. I think we should move on immediately. I think we're going to get this. That can never happen. Editors make Mark and I look good during that part. Yeah, exactly. All right. So, Wade, you introduce your next, your next.

So one of the, the episodes of all time of distractible was Bob's Fritch. So we can't do a whole episode on it because this is one-man show. We have other stuff to do. So I need you to do a super fast retelling of Bob's Fridge, but without using any verbs. Do I get a script or synopsis or anything? No, no, no. You get to have lived it. retell it from memory. Yeah, but no

verbs. And what do you think, Mark? We should put, like, one minute on the clock for him? Oh, you can have more than one minute. We can give him. It's a long story. You know, we'll just give him, like, if he runs on too long. Like, it shouldn't last longer than three minutes, but we'll give him some time. No verbs

is going to be hard, but I think I can do it, maybe. You got it. Oh, hey, we're here to yeah, oh, hang on. Uh-huh. Right now? Oh, never mind. I'll, got. Got it? Yeah. Shoo.

Oh. Oh, fridge. Two guys. Front door. Me. The one guy. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, thank you. Oh, there we got. You guys. Fridge? Yeah. Perfect. And in the bush.

The bush. They, inside. The bush. The bush. The fridge? The bush. The bush.

Yeah. What's it? Oh, no. Water shut off? It's a noun. You're right. You're right. You're right.

Okay. I got it. Okay. You're good. A new house? I don't know. it should be water shut off

make this here sorry bush anyway did I that part yeah anyway

I don't think that's how you fridge house right thinks of her isn't it I think not when I do it

Um That's not a good answer Anger is Br Br Fru Oh

acceptable Two guys Fridge That was beautiful Oh man I don't remember What Not that much actually happened

I was just so mad I kept talking about it Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's amazing what verbs will do to pad time out. That was good. I think in the original there was a lot of, what's your house? You've got to know where this is. I'll just call a previous homeowner. Oh, that's right. Yeah, we're friends. We get dinner. I'll have three Tuesday or something. You know what, though, beautiful retelling. I think everyone knows exactly what happened based on that retelling. Do they? All right. We've got another game for you here. It's one one we've never done before.

Wade just made it up right here on the spot. Do you have a D20? Yeah, I got one in here. Okay, I got one in you. Can you roll that D20? I did. I want you, or we want you. Wade came up with this mostly, but we want you to give us a sales pitch

on various things that we're going to offer up to you, and you only have as many words as you rolled to sell it to us. That's deeply unfortunate. What'd you roll? Four. All right. All right. Man, I really considered re-rolling that for a second.

No, no, it's perfect. It's perfect. All right, Wade, you kick it off. Well, in four words, thanks to your role, you need Mark and I to buy this broom. Dirty floor? Here, dumbass. All right. That's great, man.

Yeah, roll again. Oh, I get to re-roll. Thank God. No, you get another thing. Oh, 13. Oh, 13. Okay, this will be great. Sell us on flip-flops in exactly 13 words.

For clarification, is flip-flop one word? It's hyphenated. We'll count it as one word. Is this the topic? Yeah. I'm not selling anything yet. This is not an attempt to sell. I think flip-flop counts as one word because it's the word that we're giving you.

Shoes too tight. Flip-flop. It's hyphenated, right? One word. Flip-lop, hyphenated. Yeah, but you have 13 words. Oh, I got the new number. Oh, shoes too tight?

Flip-flop. Good. Because lots of space in flip-flop. All right? I forgot. I was doing four words again. Yeah. That was great.

Lots of room in flip-flop. What a bold start? What is it going from here? It's the beauty of salesmanship. You just make it personable. You know, you're just like, all right, buddy. Yeah, you got it, pal. Wait.

You got the next one? Oh yeah, man, I need another roll from you, Bob 15 That's too bad, that's too bad Good for you In 15 words or less You need to sell us an aquarium Not like a whole aquarium you go to

But like, you know, an aquarium You keep like your fish Where are you going to keep those stupid Fucking fish Right inside this Awesome aquarium That was 15 didn't I'm at 14

What are you at Mark? Buddy Buddy Buddy How All right buddy you got me all right all right great excellent excellent man you're doing so good i got another four oh four words sell me on condoms who even wants babies

all right bye bye bye oh come on seven what you do you do all right in seven what you do all right in seven Unfortunately, we're stealing three of them. Resputin's preserved penis. And if you don't know what this is, I can show you a picture. World War I Air a penis for sale. I don't know what that is. Is it actually a penis? Okay, so it's, if you Google this, which I recommend everyone at home do, Rasputin's preserved penis, I won't share it for the sake of the editors,

but everyone can go look at just google that it is unconfirmed if it is at all real why wouldn't it be real some have said it's an animal penis of some type uh or some kind of amalgamation of something or another uh but there it is i like that there's several women looking at it like oh and there's one guy that's like by several women do you mean the picture of the same woman or no there's two there's one of the top row for me and then there's like the blonde lady's like Like peering over the side? That is the penis. I do believe was Rasputin, like, doing his thing before World War I, but it's of the era.

Wasn't he that, wasn't that the start of World War I? No, that's Franz Ferdinand. Oh, close enough. Rasputin was the, uh, the advisor to one of the people in Russia. 1916 murder, World War I era. I mean, I'm giving to you. He was assassinated 1916. All right, roll again.

18. 18. Well, it's almost too many. All right. Uh, braces. Those crooked-ass teeth ain't gonna fix themselves. Put some of this metal shit in there. I got 18, I think.

Oh, God. Crooked ass teeth ain't gonna fix themselves. 10. Put some of this metal shit in there. Eight. Put some of this metal shit in there. That's only seven. Some of.

I didn't say summa as one word for me. I said some of this metal shit. Okay. Yes, absolutely. If you give me one more word, I know what I'd add, pal. Can't be done. We can give you another dice roll. Two.

Oh. How do you feel about number nine for this? Go for it. And two words, you have to sell us a used kidney. Still works. I know I got a buddy that needs a kidney. Yeah. That's the most valuable kind, full working kind.

Roll one more time. 13. All right. You sold me a condom. I want you to sell me a used condom. How many words? 13. Yes, this is a used condom.

Be not afraid. It still works. Well, yes, this is a used condom. Yes, this is a used condom. Be not afraid. Oh, that is 12. Partner. We've got a real nice one for you.

Bob, a really good one to finish it off. Am I rolling again? No, no, no, no. We won this game. We won. Thank you, kind host, for giving us that game. And now, what we need from you

is the thing that everyone loves from Bob. The name Bob is synonymous with a rage-fueled pirate that goes on and on and on and on. we're going back to Don't Get Me Started Oh, hooray Okay, and we only have one

We only have one suggestion for this We do Well, we'll see how the first one goes That's fair All right, Wade, do you want to give them the suggestion? Nope I guess I'll do it I want you to

Don't Get Me Started on Spotify And we have to keep you in life Careful Don't even get me started On Spotify I'm going to ease into it Careful

You're fine, you're fine I have one low level gripe And a long list of high level gripes We'll start with the low level one Green logo Green? Really Green? That's the green logo Are you sure?

I said it was a low-level gripe, but it's just ugly. Like, this is not, this is maybe personal taste. I'm not getting too worked up about this, but they're really sticking to the green logo. If you look at the list of apps on your phone or your computer or wherever, you see a lot of other green shit in there? You see a lot of green popping up, aesthetically pleasing green. No, you don't. No, everyone's gone the other way.

Green is a terrible choice. It's ugly. I hate it. Anyway. the working conditions the working conditions the working conditions but the residuals

but the residuals for artists they're great they're great they're great they make they're fine I've only heard good things I've only heard good things. I'm pretty sure that I can't think of any notable artists who've had any gripes with Spotify. AI slop. Mm-hmm.

Allegedly, and probably false, if we're honest with ourselves, there's just channels and channels of artists that are not real people. Allegedly, they are just AI-generated slop. Allegedly, they sound almost indistinguishable. from regular music, except that also they're completely uncanny. Allegedly, they just randomly get worked in to whatever playlist you're listening to. If it's on shuffle or auto, whatever the hell. Allegedly, that's some bullshit.

And also, allegedly. But Spotify, what else do they do? Oh, shuffle. What a joke. Whoever programmed your shuffle feature, try again. Wrong. It's not a shuffle. It's just a predetermined order that it always plays in.

If you start the same playlist from the top of the list and hit shuffle, it always plays the same fucking songs. How do you even do that? That doesn't even make sense. Just use some input that's different every day. Like the time or the date or what? It's like they generated one random number and we're like, that's enough seeds. Just use this one every time or what a...

How does that happen? And why isn't it fixed? This is tough guys I love Spotify Have I talked recently About how much I love Spotify Have I told you guys that Should we not even get you started

It doesn't have to be angry That's the thing It is just don't even get me started on Three lines in the logo Oh If it wasn't green I'd be there already Don't even get me started on Spotify

They think they have competitors Nobody competes with Spotify Well those other music apps called, you don't even know, because you never used them. You just put Spotify on there and that's the one you click on, you go use Spotify. All the best artists who matter are on Spotify, and any of them who aren't on Spotify are probably garbage. Honestly, I know it's controversial. I just don't have a lot of feelings about Spotify. I'm not going to lie. I don't how long you thought that was going to go, but like, they're company. I think we all know how we feel

about companies. They're the best. Mark, what do we do next? I'm writing his outro. Hold on. Great. But did you have another thing for me to rant about that was worse than Spotify? Well, well, wait, you got it? Yeah, there's another thing on the list, James. Hmm. Knowing that he will definitely see this in a couple of years. Don't even get me started on James. Oh, no.

I don't think anyone would keep loving me endlessly and without any reason whatsoever they could possibly determine if I continued to shit my pants on a daily basis. I don't know why he thinks he's going to keep. getting away with it listen here mister one of these days that's gonna be enough shit in the pants that I can't tell you when but I'm just gonna snap and then there's gonna be no more poop in the pants and another thing he always wants attention you know he's coming up to me like dad dad look dad you're my hero dad I love you so much dad dad dad dad take it easy okay Lots of people love me

I get it from all sides I don't need it when I get home from work All right Just take a breath You got two parents I don't see you Well actually Probably all over your mom more than you're on me

But I don't see you all over the dog Like you're all over me And she's easy You drop food for her all the time Max Deli just give her some Cheerios And she'll let you do like whatever She doesn't even care Man I'm really trying to think of a third thing

It's okay, because we, I wrote here, do you remember on Unisana's where I was going through Ethan's like maze and there was a bucket of fish and I was like, I'm not doing that. And he was like, that's okay. Boundaries are important. We wrote that in person, it was easier in case you were letting out. It literally did. That's fine. That's fine. I'm almost done with this.

I have your outro. I think we could close it up. This is beautiful. Ah, that was great, Bob. but I think it's time to wrap up this episode. I just don't take it away. Oh, my God, that's a lot of scrolling up. All right.

Oh, Lord, O Lou, what a show through and through with Vim and Vigor and a big smile or two. I am so pleased. I am so teased. Twink your nipples and sing Black-Eyed Peas. Tonight's going to be a good night. Can you see that I was tweaking my nipples? Yeah, yeah, I saw.

Oh, I thought you were commanding us. I didn't get this script. He, he, ho-hoo. Chim-chimini Chiru. Oh, long pause. I didn't read it. Oh, thanks. Cheru!

Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ha-ha-ha-ha-hi. These two best friends of mine, and not vice versa, really showed such an incredible performance. Riff about Mark's performance while performing a 10 out of 10 perfect driving crooner. What's that? I don't know what a driving crooner is? Oh, this. No, what is that? It's a bit from that show

The guy that I think you should leave Okay, wait You can Google it What the fucking driving cruders either Is that the stickers on the window? Yeah Okay So it's like the fedora

And the cigar stickers on the window And then you're like Don't worry, the editors will put it there for you Okay, editors driving cruder me Is there a voice that goes with this or something? No Oh I don't know what this is

Oh, Mark Mark you did so great today I must have earned five times as many points as Wade because of all the correct guessing and all of the good dice rolling you made me do and all of the watching couldn't have been better. That might have been the best episode Mark's ever had.

Thank you, thank you. Low bar. No, high bar. The top 10 performances on Distractable are now all Mark. Push Bob's fridge right off the 10 spot into the bottom of the barrel. Wade only wishes he's ever had a top 10 spot, but... I thought this was a co-hosting thing.

Why is this so one-sided of an outro? This might as well be called Distractable End Friends, starring, featuring presented by a Markiplier or some such. Ah, but how could that compare to the other competitor? Oh, I didn't read any further beyond the one that, okay. Riff about Wade's performance while snapping your fingers like a cool jazz guy. You just fucking, that one moment from filming in space, you just remember that one fucking thing, huh?

Yep, yep, yep. Yeah. Yeah, Wade. Bald. Funny. Correct. Oh, yeah. Wade, you're so groovy. You're so jazzy. If being your pants is cool, I'd call you Wade Barnes. You don't pee your pants. You just win distractible. Anyway, how could I decide? God! How could you burden me with this responsibility? I am a mere mortal. incapable of these monumental decisions. You raise me up so I can stand on mountains. You raise me up. Ah, now, oh, something, you raise me up.

Anyway, hoo-hee-ha. Here's the winners from the points. I'm an Emmy-losing writer. The Wonder Mark's been unable to sleep this. week, he was working on this. He's working on this so long. Mark, you earned points for fuck.

Piss. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck me. Shit. God damn it. And, uh, bamboo worms.

Wade, you earned points for, it's just a bunch of fucks, mostly. The final score being Bob with negative 10. I just sort of threw that in. I assumed that'd be where that was coming from based on the script. Mark with seven and Wade with

10. Oh shit! I knew it. I knew it. Oh my god. There's no way this could be a tie again and it land on another one-man show. Fucking better not. That would, you know what though? Based off the coin flip and all the bad luck I've ever had and everything, that would be... What if we just make the final score 1110, 9 and really tempt the fates? I'm the host, but you are the scriptors. The creators? How many bonus pins will there be? I still I could have a chance here I could have a chance

It's two Two for all the listeners What am I adding to the bonus wheel Oh overlords Oh Add a percent to the Tie wheel How much percent

Three 20 Add 20 I mean I guess it is Add 10 Let's say add 10% To And that's 10% of the whole pie

At 10% to the one man show Yeah present chance. No way that will come up. I know what I'm heading when I get a chance. Subtrak 30% from one man show. One man show no longer exist. All right, two spins. I don't want to host that shit.

Oh, why points don't count. We didn't have any lies. I don't think this time. So, re-spin, I suppose. Fastest response? I mean, I had some pretty quick ones on the animal noises. When do you guys guessed the animal first try once or twice? That was me. I did that.

I did that. Yeah. I think I get this. I think I get this. I think I get it. I got Zorse, but I think Mark said it was like the moment you stopped, he just spouted one out, I think.

So, yeah. All right, point to Mark. Excellent. Excellent. One more spin. What could possibly go wrong? On sudden death, it's a tie. Oh.

Oh, give that to you, Bob. Give it to you. All right. All right. Well, Bob. One for me. Yeah. Wow, that's not how you spell either of those words.

Anyway, that makes the final score. Mark with 8. And Wade with 10. Which means Wade gets the host the next one. Man. Hold on, Bob. That was great. I mean, I had a great time.

I had a great time. I had a really good time. I needed a nap. I wanted to give people a taste of like when Tyler and Ethan scripted me my one-man show. I just wanted to get that in there. I don't know how you turn the animal noises around on us, but I'm, uh... That really did flip.

As soon as we had to guess, I was like, oh, no. I picked names that I thought he wouldn't be able to pronounce. I didn't want to have to do it. I actually knew a lot of those animals. I was pretty surprised. Speed retelling a Bob's fridge with no verbs was... Mark, loser speech? You know, I may have lost, but I don't feel like a loser.

I think everybody won today, even though I actually lost. And, yeah, I mean, I can see that. I was literally typing the outro as we were in the episode. so I can see that. I can see that. I can see it. Wade, Winter's Speech? Don't know how we got here. Don't know how I ended up on top. But I'm glad to be here. Bald, winning. Life's good. Remember to take out the trash. All the important things in life are just going my way.

Just both of those, all of the important things? That's it. Winning bald and trash. I think that's in like the Declaration of Independence even. I remember the Nicholas Cage movie. I actually need a nap. But that's the end of the episode. Wade is going to host the next one, because he won somehow. I didn't write any of your animals down. I was so impressed when you got the bamboo worms, Mark. I was really proud. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much. That might have been worth four points. Might have been. Too late to find out. Viewers, listeners, make sure you follow the podcast so that you know when episodes come out. It'll give you notifications. You follow Mark, Wade, and myself on our other social platforms and stuff.

Anyway, that's the other episode. Wade, host the next one already. Okay. Until then Podcast out Hey everyone Welcome to another episode of Oh not not yet