Distractible - Bob's One Man Show (Part 2)

Episode Date: October 12, 2026

For one night only (again), Bob returns to perform a one man show directed by Mark and Wade. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Bobster, Lobster, flips the bird, is ignorant of swine, has his nuts stolen, gets bad gifts, goes adventuring, fingers a knob, and burns in lava,

from massive murderers to mapping methodically. Ha ha ha ha, it's time for Bob's One Man Show Part 2. Now sit back and prepare,

Prepare to be distracted and enjoy the sh- We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. I regret to inform you that I, Robert Jahannathy, my... Wait, what the fuck? Johanathy? I regret to inform you that I, Robert Johannathy, my skins, in sound mind and sounder body, have murdered both my more attractive and more intelligent co-hosts in a fit of elephantine jealousy. One being obviously more attractive and intelligent than the other,

but now that they have both been reduced to piles of mush, Meath my mighty Elephantine hooves. The difference hardly matters. Please read all instructions aloud and less stated otherwise. Hold finger to ear and look to the side. One moment. What's that? Oh really?

They're not only near ungulates and not true ungulates. So their anatomy is analogous to a foot. Oh, it is a foot. You're saying that an elephant hoof is actually a foot. What's that? I'm still calling it a hoof and not a foot. Not a true ungulate? Near ungulate.

Well, how's about you're getting dangerously close to near strangulation, pal? Oh, fuck. Just who the fuck do you think you are? The fuck in this sentence should have take one full complete breath. If you did not use one full entire breath, please go back and do it properly. Fuck. Do you think you are? That was juicy.

I just killed two guys. You think I would hesitate for even a single second to give you the same kind of treatment? I think you should think real hard and long before you think about correcting me live on the air again. If I want to call it elephant's tootsie a hoof, then as sure is my ass is long,

I am going to call them luscious twinkle toes hooves. All right. Love you too, Grandma. See ya, brunch. Release finger from ear. Oh, fucking shit. Don't go do it all again.

No, no, I'll let the... I didn't write in specifically to go do it again, so I'll leave all that done. Kerk click. Beep, beep, beep. Clear throat in a somewhat obnoxious manner, but not too obnoxious. We'll tell you if it's too or not too obnoxious, but one of us speaks in riddles and one of us speaks in riddles and one of us pikes and rhymes.

That was a little obnoxious. Oh, fuck. How do I... Who said that? I'm the riddler. I'm the riddle one. Oh, I know the solution to this riddle. Mark said that.

Wait, no, he's got a rhyme. Hit it, Wade. Not to gloat, but when you cleared your throat, it reminded me of a boat. Now back to our goat. Me? I'm goat. It was too obnoxious. Oh, okay.

That's good. I don't want a riddle again. I think we create self-defeating gags. That's my favorite bit so far. That was fun. Well done. Now back to our main story. Murder?

Me? Them? Kill? Huh? Mame? What? Me? Please gesticulate with either one or both hands in a new way with each line. If you didn't gesticulate at all. They start over and gesticulate. Now back to our main story. Murder? Me? Them? Kill? Huh? Mame?

What? Me? Just different, right? The bobster, lobster, Bob. Nope, that's not different. The Bob the Knob, Bob the Knob, Bob the clobber, the guy who just threatened his grandma, the grave rob wink wink ber you sure this guy

really if any of your gesticulations involve pointing a finger or thumb of yourself or anything else I'm saying any of these lines you must go back to the beginning it's start over but you may not repeat any gesticulations all gesticulations look at the original to preserve the magic of the moment the bobster lobster bobbed

rob the knob bob the clobber the guy who just threatened his grandma grave rob wink burr you sure this guy really oh I hit my mic so hard

well if you would dare to think for even uno menuto that I would commit L murder upon my two best friends but to be clear I am not their best friend only the vice versa where they are my best friends and I am not theirs then you have two things coming to you. Put up your dukes like an old-timey boxer of the fisticuffs era.

Why, I ought to, you're cruising for a bruising. I ought to clock you. You're going to be seeing it stars. You're asking for a flat lip. I'm going to pound you into hamburger. I'll belt you one. Oh, you're highlighting the thing I'm trying to read, buddy. You're going to be sleeping with the fishes.

You're going to be sleeping with the fishes. You're going to be sleeping with the fishes. You're going to be sleeping with the fishes. You're gonna be sleeping with the fishes You're gonna be sleeping with the fishes You're gonna be sleeping with the fishes You're gonna be sleeping with the fishes You're gonna be sleeping with the fishes

Speaking of sweet little feces You know who else is sleeping with the fishes Mark and Wade Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You did well You are swell I can never lie I tell Nailed it

It'll be this Bob man Who's the one who did well reading those lines It was me I gotta go back to Ridler school I wasn't expecting the switch of rolls Oh that's a good warm up to the episode. I feel good. Oh, there's more. There's more.

I mean, I'm not done warming up yet, obviously. But that's right, Mark and Wade are sleeping with those beautiful sexy fishes because I killed them. Ha ha ha ha. Wait, it's only three of them. Ha ha ha. Oh, fuck. Oh, me, this guy. Them.

Jill? Huh? Mame? What? me the bobster lobster bob rob the knob bob the clobber the guy who just threatened his grandmamma the grave rob wink winker you sure this guy if you failed to properly gesticulate towards yourself in a manner that conveyed to the audience that you are the person you referred to without using your thumbs or fingers in a pointing motion of course and you must go back to the beginning of this section not the previous section unless you really want to and start over but you may not repeat any gesticulations. All gesticulations must be original to preserve the magic of the moment. I will say you accomplished the not pointing, but you repeated lobster bob. I remember this one distinctly as a lobster bob.

Doesn't say I couldn't use one from a previous iteration that was a... All gesticulations must be original to preserve the magic. All right, fine. You know what? If you don't want to, I won't make you do it. It's okay. We have much worse things in store for him in the future. Okay, good. Yeah, that's true. That's true. All right. Okay, all right. Okay, all right. All right. I'm tired now. Just kidding about the murder thing.

Or am I. Dun, done, done, done. No, I'm kidding. Here they are. Introduce us. Oh, it's Mark and Wade. Hey, surprise. We're here. That's us. That was a good one. Well done. Well done, Bob. Good job, Bob. At some point I was writing that, I was like, maybe this is too long. it's it's not I mean it's I think it is longer it's not substantially longer than last time

all right welcome everyone to Bob's second one man show yeah are you the first one to get two did Mark have two Mark has already done two I think yeah I think I've had two you've had one Marcus had two and I've had one until this one yeah which means Wade you're due I guess so. I got a wind to get a one-man show.

That's true. Well, we're never going to let that happen. Well, we've got a great show cooked up for all the audience. And also, Bob, Wade, why don't you introduce the first game of many that we're going to be playing? All right. So first up on the list, the three of us have some similar roots. We're all Ohio boys. We all went to the University of Cincinnati.

So I thought we would put Bob's knowledge. to the test with some Cincinnati Jeopardy questions. All right. I know this stuff. Yeah. We don't have a whole board for you. I just have a few easy questions. It's very simple,

very to the point, you know? Yeah, we didn't bother putting the categories up there. We don't have dollar amounts. You just get to pick, can I have number one, two, three,

four, or five? That's all you get. Well, I'm going to do the classic Jeopardy strategy and start with number five. All right. You want me to read these?

Yeah, you go first, I'll read this, and we'll alternate. Cincinnati has the only museum in the world dedicated to a specific art, the name of the museum being the Vent Haven Museum. What art is it dedicated to? Oh, being a proper Cincinnati, and I've been to this museum several times. It's clearly, oh, that must be the real name of, no, that is the real name of that museum. Venthaven.

Well, it's got to be mud sculptures if it's Cincinnati. I'm so sorry you didn't answer in the form of a question but also you're wrong That's kind of a question It was begging right It's got to be mud sculptures of a Cincinnati A real answer is Ventriloquism

I have a museum I guess it's the Dolls of a museum of It's the Vent Haven Museum I'm assuming it's in the name for a reason The ventriloquist haven sure Mm-hmm. All right. What's your next question? Two, please. All right, two. I got this one. Neil Armstrong, Ohio-born also taught. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Also taught at the University of Cincinnati, where he created two graduate-level classes. I guess the question would be in the form of the answer. Wait. Yeah, you gave me the answer. I have to ask, I have to answer. created these two graduate level classes. What are moon? And counting 307. Oh, so close. Ah, you answered informative question,

but the classes were the aircraft design course and experimental flight mechanics. So close. I thought you knew Cincinnati, Bob. I thought you knew Cincinnati. These are all just made up facts. Not worried about it. four, please.

The man who allegedly inspired the character Jay Gatsby from the Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald is from Cincinnati. What was his name? Oh, that would be what is K. Gatsby. I'm so sorry, very close. The correct answer is who is George Remus? That's not a Cincinnati. I was thinking it was going to be one of the shots or the Corbett

or one of those Kroger's. One of those Cincinnati names. I think he inspired the guy in the... Well, he says he inspired Jay Gatsby, but based on his life story, it sounded more like he inspired, well, I won't spoil the Great Gatsby. One of the other characters who had a tragic ending.

Oh, I want to spoil that. I don't want to spoil it, but it doesn't sound like Gatsby quite as much. One or three. One, please. In the 1800s, Cincinnati was the nation's leading pork producer. It earned this nickname for that. honor. Oh, I know this one. This is plastered all over town. This is on if you walk downtown

Cincinnati, it's not a bunch of placards and things. What is the pig murdering capital of the Midwest? That is great. No, that is not. Man, it would be, wouldn't it? Man, that that is close. That is close. The answer is Porkopolis. Porkopolis, much like Megalopolis, you know. It sounds like the city that Pigman hails from. Exactly. Exactly. You got megalopolis. Mega Man in Megalopolis, you got Pigman and Porkopolis, sister cities. Would you like three? No. Okay.

I guess, is that that in the episode if I refuse to engage with that? Yeah, I guess it's three, huh? All right. You might know this one. I don't know. I think this might be the easiest one on here. Doesn't seem like it. Which current NBA team was once known as the Cincinnati Royals?

Oh. One would think it would be the other Ohio. city's NBA team. But in fact, the answer is, of course, what are the Indiana Pacers? They actually, I think they became the Kansas City Royals after Cincinnati, and then they moved to Sacramento. That's a baseball team. Well, I think they were, I think it was also in Kansas City. They moved to Sacramento where they became the Sacramento Kings, which I didn't know that, either. I have heard of them. That's not very close to either of those two Midwest cities. based on the questions you'd already ask this

and then try to find just obscure shit I think you wouldn't know it took me a lot longer to get these than you would have expected and well done on getting none of them congratulations Bob woohoo over nailed it we're moving on with a score of zero to our very next game

it's a fan favorite one of your very own hostings Bob if you may sense a theme in these we are subjecting you of them. Do the things that we have subjected you to. We're moving on to reverse charades.

Woo! Yeah, yeah. If you remember how this game went, Bob, do you? I don't. Okay. So we are going to shout instructions at you. At the same time. And you are going to do the physical actions that we both are saying,

and then you have to guess after a period of one minute to guess what you are. Do I have to answer in the form of a question? No, you can. If you, no. Yes? We will decide when we speak in riddles and rhymes at the end of this. All right, wait, I think we're just going to start at the first one and go down. And we'll just take turns, shouting instructions.

Yeah, it works for me. Me, you, me, you. All right. Here we go. Are you ready, Bob? Yes. Three, two, one, go. Stick your arm out.

Ooh. It's down. It's down. It's shoulder, shoulder height. Careful. Close your hand as if you're gripping something moderately heavy. Okay, now make a scooping motion. Like this? Yeah, yeah, yeah, like that. Yeah, like that.

Okay, do that once and then turn it over as if you're dumping something into something else. No. No, do a scooping motion and then swing it back on you. Oh, I see. As you do that, look from your hand up and then back down again. And then give a jazz hand with the other hand once you look back down again. Yeah, there you go. And then once you look back down again, go ahead and scoop.

So close. Almost got, I might give us two minutes next time. Yeah, that might be necessary. All right, Bob. What are you? What are you? What are you? I am a person who is scooping.

and flipping, I mean, I have to be a SpongeBob working the griddle flipping crabby patties. Wow, that was closer than I would have not based on what we managed to get out. You were flipping a pancake. Pancakes. We were working on pancakes. Oh, I think I misled you with the

whole thing going up. I should have. Whenever you were doing the whole thing, so whenever you said scoop, I was like, oh, wait, you're starting with the batter? Not the, we didn't plan out with our clues, so we're going to intentionally be uninformed with each other and you to make this hard. I feel like that was pretty close. That's a right idea.

We got there. We got there. I don't know how you distinguish pancakes from any other thing that you flip on a griddle. Well, with more time, maybe we would have gotten to syrup, but you know, we'll never know. All right. We're going to move on to two minutes this time. I was just read it out loud. That would have been bad.

All right. Wade, you're going to give the first clue. Is everyone ready? Yes. Yes. All right. Three, two, one. Go.

Bob, you're standing and you're going to take a step forward. Take another step. Take a third step, but as your foot hits the ground, pause for a moment and make a face as if you're contemplating God. Vibrations shooting up your leg. A moment you will never forget, but not for a good reason. Oh no. Look up to the heavens and howl. Feel the fire and pain of a thousand deaths.

looking up at the heavens. Remember that it's in the middle of the night and you don't want to wake anyone. Fall over, clutching your leg and pulling your foot up to your hands. I don't think I could physically do that, but like, look down at the ground in anger. Look at the ground, look at your foot, look at the ground, look at your foot. Look at God, look at the ground, look at your foot. Go off Look at the ground, look at God's foot

Oh you know, I could have done to make this a little more There you go Ah, there we go, yeah, that's good, that's good And just keep doing that until we're the timer Get back up slowly Pick up the pace, take another couple steps Alright, there we go Great, we won't get to anything else

Where are you? Oh boy, so what did I do? I took a couple steps And I took a third step. That really hurt. And it was vibrations. And it was the fire and pain of 10,000 deaths. I must have been walking in the Amazon and stepped on a nest of bullet ants. Ooh, very close.

I think we'll accept that answer. Think more painful. We'll think more painful. That's like the most painful insect sting that exists, isn't it? I think we'll accept that answer. I feel like that's worthy. The true reality was you were stepping on a Lego. Oh.

Hey, I've done that. I haven't done bulletin' ads. I don't know how they compare. Oh, Lego is much worse. Trust us. Oh, way worse. Way worse. Yeah, way worse.

Didn't a bullet ant make that guy who lets insects bite him cry? He never cries. Probably, yeah. What's his name? Crazy Joey. I think it's called cry, cry, cry boy. Cry boys? We're the cry boys.

The name's the cryboys. All right, I added one in her way to... I see that. Oh, God. Okay. Are you okay with this one? Yeah, yeah, go for it. You're the first clue on this one.

All right, I got it. Okay. All right, you ready? Are you ready, Bob? Yes. Here we go. Stick both arms up in the air and out. It's in front of you.

Read it. Feel the sensation of something moving up from your leg through your torso. Shimmy, shimmy violently. Feel more wind in your fronts. Okay, sure, yep. You can't move your arms,

but you are protesting. What's happening? You're very upset when your top balls are grasped. Wait, I don't think that's how Shades works. I think.

I think I am. Look to your armpit and go, No! No! Drop something from your other armpit and hoping to stop this. Look to where your whatever dropped, dropped, and go, no, not that one too. No, not that one too. But, you know, without talking, I guess.

I don't know how charades works. This is reverse charades. The rules are all whatever. despondently as it's split in half on the grove. Uh, keep shaping, shaking someone, uh, keep shaking. Oh, my, sorry, God, okay. I was, clearly, I was the mermaid on the front of a ship, and those were anchors falling from my armpits into the ocean.

Oh, I got to look up a word. What do you have to look up a word about? Oh, I was correct. Yeah, why are you looking up a word? What are you looking up? Well, I threw out the word fronds, and I was like, am I right about the word fronds? Oh.

That might have been more, that might have been more, I might have given more than I thought. I didn't understand what that word was. Okay, so I was a palm tree. What was happening? My coconuts were falling off. My top balls. Someone was stealing your coconuts.

Oh, I see. Someone was climbing you to steal your coconuts. That's why you were dropping your other one to attack them. Oh, it was climbing up me. That's right. That's right. Yeah, that was the shaking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I did not realize Fron's were specific to a palm tree. I might have just given away the whole thing. You almost did. If only it had been paying attention. But we got many more waiting for you, Bob. Can we do one that involves less holding my arms up out like that for a while just to give him a break? Yeah, yeah. You want to do the one that has him hold his arms out for a while?

I got really bad shoulders. I'm not in shape for that much arm holding. And do you think the next one has much arm holding? Or we can skip to the last one. I mean there's... Oh, that one, yeah, that one is no arm holding for sure, for sure. There's no arms in that one. Okay, you're first on this.

Three, two, one, go. All right, I want you to bend down with your face towards your desk, making a puckering face. Now, make a smoochy face. Yeah, maybe that's what I was looking for. Yeah, yeah, that's it. But look down. Begin sucking as you move your head down further and further towards your desk.

Now reel your head back, but let's be clear about this. This isn't a bobbing motion. It's your, you're reeling it in. Yeah, that's it, that's it, yep. Alright, that one's done. Now you open your mouth wide and go back down, back down, and be prepared for a big chomp. Uh-huh. Now I guess chomp.

Hum. Now we go back to the kissy face sucking. But you gotta get down in there. You gotta get down in there. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yep, that's it. And now waggle your head side to side. Keep going, keep going. You've made a bit of a mess.

Wipe your face off on your shirt there a little bit, but no using your arms. No, no, no, using your arms. Yeah, both sides, both sides, you know, both sides. Yeah, there you go. And look over and go like, as if, you know, Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give a good nod, but more Italian. Ew.

Hey! Hey! Oh, God. Oh, that's why. All right, that's it. I... They call me Armless Joe Baguots.

eating my gabagool. Am I a thing I would know what this is? Yeah, you would know. It's not far. You're not far off. I'm in a spaghetti and meatballs eating competition in little Italy. You know what? I'll give that one to you.

That's basically it. That's close, except there was one constraint. I'm tied up for some reason that I don't understand. Am I in a mental institution in a straitjacket for some reason? No, no. Close enough. Just know you utensils. Oh, no.

utensils. Okay. That's not what you're your hands dirty. I don't want you to be a monster. So we're gonna have you eat with your mouth. Okay. All right. Last one. Are you ready, Bob? Oh, hooray. Three, two, one. Look off all excited like you're about to pee your pants. Oh. Excited. Happy. Happy, excited. Look down at something in front of you and look up still excited as you reach toward it. Reach down or reach up? Reach down. Yeah, skip, skip, skip towards it. Skip. You're so happy. Skip, skip, skip, skip. Yeah. Grab. Hold it in your hands and take one of them and reach toward the top. And pull hard. Ooh, that's good. One more time. Do the same thing. One more time. Other side. It's a bigger item than what you're holding, I think.

All right, you're looking at it and your excitement starts to fade. Keep ripping different parts of it. the outside of this off and you're looking more and more disappointed the more of it you see kind of give a shrug throw that one away reach for another what you grab is definitely more square shaped cube shaped even I feel reach pull other side reach pull how do I feel about this one I love where this is God I love where this is God I love where I'm I'm not even gonna give another clue. It was four seconds love.

Bob, what do you think? Just keep opening. You're disappointed. Yeah, keep opening. Yeah, keep opening. You're just so disappointed. Bob, what do you think you're doing? Well, until it was cube-shaped, I thought I had some idea what I was doing.

Yeah, what was that? I thought I was a monkey finding banana. That's where I thought that was. As soon as I saw you do that motion, I was like, no, he totally thinks it was a fucking banana. Oh, no. How did he get that from that? Okay, it's more cube-shaped. Yeah, it's working.

It's not a lot to go on that I'm picking up on subtext-wise to imply what this was. All right, you were excited to open something. You ran toward it. I seemed to have just found this. I didn't like get it from somebody or something. Well. Okay, well, so if it's cube-shaped, it has to be like a present.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. By opening someone else's presence at their birthday party? Nope, simpler, simpler than that. Am I opening presents I found? Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah. Are the presents socks? I mean, they could be.

I'd be disappointing. You're opening a disappointing present. They're disappointing, you got it. Not the poor monkey with a disappointing banana. How fuck do you psychopaths open presents? What do you mean? No, you did that! You said grab it from the top and do a peeling motion.

I was thinking you pick it up and then you peel your take. I was going to untie the bow. You know, untie bows? They're stuck on with tape. You just tear the paper. Or you pull it off. You pull it off. Either way, you got to do this. I only peel things I'm going to eat with one hand, okay?

Did like the excited like you're going to pee your pants feel more monkees than, you know, a child at Christmas? That's what I was going for, you know. Yee. All right, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. And now for definitely the shortest segment. So, Bob, you find yourself in a room. The room doesn't have a lot of decorations.

It's a very simple room. In this room, there are four doors. I can describe the doors if you would like, but there are four walls. Each wall has one door. And then in the middle of the room, there is a straight line painted on the floor. Connecting two of the doors kind of thing?

Nope, it's just a line painted on the floor. Just is a short line painted on the floor? Is it oriented in any particular way? It could be an L, could be a one, could just be a line. It's just a line. Let's call them west, east, south, and north, just for orientation. Let's just say you have a compass that and you can see you have a north door, south door, east and west. I go to the north door and feel it out to see if it's like hot.

there's a fire or something on the other side. Nope, it's a white painted wooden door. There's actually windows, but if you go to look through the windows, you can't see anything on the other side. It's got a golden knob. Am I wearing any clothes? You're dressed as you normally are, but you don't have anything other than the compass and the clothing on your back.

You don't really have anything that would help you other than your hands, which you can use to turn doorknobs. I take my shirt off and wrap it around my good hand, and I try and punch out one of the panes of glass in this door that I can't see through. This was the north facing door? The north door, yes. The glass is not right. I put my shirt back on and I try the knob to see if it's locked.

It is not. It opened. Push it all the way open dramatically. As the door opens, you find yourself whooshed into the next room before you have a chance to pause or look or anything else. You are now in the next room. Mark, do you want to describe the room? You want me to keep going? Yes, the room is exactly the same as the last one except on the floor is a circle.

If I look around, is there anything else to see in this room or is it just nondescript room area? It's four doors, painted white, gold knob, windows opaque, can't see through them. Ceiling is also white. But there's nothing other than the doors to notice in the circle on the floor. Four doors, four knobs, four blank windows, one circle. I'm doing north door again. I confidently walk to the north door. We'll open it, push it open dramatically.

It's a brown oak door as you open it, you're whooshed into the next room, which is a green painted room. Also with four doors. No windows this time. One of the doors is a garage door. One is a steel door, and the other two are just wooden door. Is there anything on the floor this room? There is another line. North door again.

I don't know which one that is, but I'm going to keep going to find an edge here. That is the garage door. You pull a chain and the garage door opens and you're whooshed into a room. Maroon, walls. There's a port-cullis gate on the west door. There's a tiny mouse door on the north door. There's a man-shaped door that looks exactly like your body on the east door. And then it's the door you came through the garage one to the south.

And now on the floor, there is a two. I'm going to try and see if I can Alice in Wonderland myself through the mouse door, I guess. The north one. The north, I'm gonna keep going north. You shrink down as far as you can. Not literally, you shrink down. You, you reach a tiny finger to the tiny door knob. You squeak, it open.

Fire rushes out and explosion, like blasts you from that door. Hmm. You're very dead. You're dead. Yeah, you're dead. Oh. You're back in the room that you first started in. Oh, fuck.

There's a line on the ground. Four doors. North, southeast and west. Yeah, we short circuit this a little bit. North door, whoosh! North door, whoosh. Maroon room. Or actually, one more whoosh. Maroon room. You're in the room with the two. No, I'm in the room with the two. I don't go north. I go west.

To the Port Cullis. Wade. You could see through Port Cullis's, right? Not this one. Okay, well. You open the door and you're whooshed in. You find yourself standing on a platform. Beneath you, there's water and a bunch of tall fins. Sharks?

All of a sudden, the platform you're sitting on disappears. You fall into the water and are engulfed and eaten slowly and painfully by a bunch of sharks that, for whatever reason, want to take their time with you. You're back in the starting room. North door, north door, woosh, north door, east. The man-shaped door? Man-shaped door, yes. All right, you slide.

You point at the door, you go like, this door was made for me. It's my door! It was made for me! You for some reason take off all your clothes and you shimmy in through the door. You slide in perfectly and then you're shushed into a new room with a line on the ground. The doors are fun and interesting. Got a one in three chance here. I definitely still need to see if I can go north.

All right, you open a door to the north while you're whooshed in. And across the room you see what looks like jail bars, but they're somewhat opaque. You can kind of see through them. They're like a red in color and they seem to be approaching you. They're spaced apart only by a couple of inches and they're getting closer and closer and closer. South Door, whoosh. Unfortunately, the door doesn't open. You're prying at the door and prying at the door.

But unfortunately, these lines get closer and closer until they start to burn into your skin, separating you into many pieces as these lasers cut through you and kill you. That's one of my favorite scenes from the rest of the evil series. Only that guy had taken a step backwards. I know, honestly. He was so cool. Too cool for that show. Anyway, you're back at this start. Fuck all everything else I did.

South Door. You step through the South White Door, same as all the other doors in the original one, and you're whooshed into a room. It is a lovely shade of pink and the doors are all shaped like hearts, every one of them, and you hear romantic music emanating from all around you. And there's a two on the ground. I don't like the two. West Heart Door.

You open a door to the West, a nice lovely heart-shaped door, and you're whooshed in. Inside of the room, it feels like you're in a forest. There's trees everywhere. You can't really see any doors, but you think you see some movement off to your left. As you're looking to investigate, you hear a noise from your right or now behind you, and you look and see a Velociraptor as it leaps and bites your head off

and kills you. You're dead again. That's stupid. I should start with what I was doing. North door, whoosh, door, woosh, door, woosh. Naked, east door, whoosh, east again. You slide through that other door that was really interesting, really interesting door, and you're put in a very, very boring room. It's exceptionally boring.

This room is about as plain can be. It seems like shoddly constructed. There's drywall that's not even applied on some of the walls over there. And then there's a really shittily painted two and crayon on the ground. Can I go back one? Yeah. You find you are able. West door.

Wush. South instead. You move to the door in the south. When you are whooshed in, you feel as though you're in your own living room, except for the fact that, well, where they're should. should just be like some wide open space. There's still a door. And though it kind of looks like your house around, you can tell some of the walls are just images of your house. So it's not actually fully open. It's still a room with four doors. It's just made to look like your living room.

What's painted on the floor? There is a big oh. Ah, hell yeah. Painted with a wide looking paintbrush on the floor. Uh, east door. I pushed through the hologram. You're slurped. You're slurped. wetly. It's really juicy. You're going through this. It kind of... And you're like, oh, God, weird. The other door, the other room on the other side is actually another room in your home that's still painted all weirdly like that. You know, it's kind of the same. You just don't have any explanation of why it was so wet. But there is a two on the ground. I go back to my living room, whoosh. South door. You open the door and as you're whooshed in, you feel yourself kind of

rocking and thrown aback. It looks like you're in a tiny room. rowboat on some water, but the rowboat is in no apparent immediate danger. You see, again, what looks like it should be open ocean, but on either side there are four doors. And down in the bottom of your rowboat, there is a one, scratched almost out, but in red. South again. You row your boat south, gently down the stream, and you fall down a little waterfall, not a big one. It's actually kind of fun. You kind of go, wee, and you end up, oh, I'm on a beach.

Back towards the ocean is the door you just came from to the north and then there's a there's a palm tree with door on it to the west There's another tree to the east with a door on it and then into the jungle there's a little door on the way into the forest to the south What number is on the beach there's a line number this guy numbers Uh huh, uh huh Uh huh what well to complete my plan I must go south once more you go south and unintended from our previous game as you open the door you find yourself in a forest is the wrong word but a room full of a bunch of palm trees

it seems lovely there's a little hammock that you can I guess take a break on if you choose to and again four doors with walls painted like they should be the beach further inland maybe a city off to one side and on the hammock is scrawled in yellow a number two I walk over to the hammock and frantically start searching for the penny that I think is hidden somewhere upon it or within it. You do find scrawled on the hammock and what looks to be crayon again.

Sorry I took your penny. I was right though. It was there at one point. Oh, that's pretty good. But there are still three doors, one south, one east, one west, and the one you came into the north. Well, I've completed the loop now. I'm going to finish my test. There's a gambit.

I go west. You step through the forest or what looks like a forest. and you're back into a familiar room that we all remember what it is. And you're like, whoa, I've been here before. This room. Oh, man, is it the heart one? This is the heart room, yeah.

It's the heart one. Ah, I knew I knew those shapes. You go, you say in your head, and you look down again, like, yeah, there's that too. There's our romantic music. You originally entered this room through the north, and you went west last time. And this time you're coming from the east.

I go north. Oosh. east, whoosh, north again. Hold on, whoa, hold on. And I'm back at the rowboat room, yeah? You went north, wooch. North to the starting room. East to the beach.

North to the rowboat on the ocean. Yep, yep. Yeah, that's where you are. And what number is there's a one in the rowboat? The line and red scratched onto the floor. Oh, wait, shit. The room you were just in was the one north of the starting room, right? You went north from the starting room, that's the room with an O.

And then you just went east. There's a room that's got a, line in it, yeah. I go south one to the beach and west one to the room that's just north of the starting room and I go through the west door which I haven't done yet. Hold on, hold on. Wait. Okay, you go south, then west. I think he's slightly misremembering, but what he's wanting to do is go to the room north of the starting room and then go west. Okay, yes, that's my goal. All right, you open a door and as you open it, you're whooshed in. There are a bunch of pillars, very tall pillars. In fact, the room is so tall you can't see the ceiling. Etched on each pillar is a number

two, and there are three doors. One to the west, one of the north and one to the south. Pillars themselves are unremarkable. They're white stone. And then there's a nice, like, not matte, but like a gloss finish to the floor. I'm still stuck. I mean, I need to go back east one to the room that's just north of starting. And then I want to go north one. So I have two north of starting room. What's on the floor in there? A line. A line. Yeah.

And you have gone, I think at this point, you've come from the south, you've gone north, and maybe you've gone east from that one. Well, I know what's east of there. I have to go north once more. What's on the line of the floor of the maroon room? The two. And you've opened every door in that room. Shit. The port cullis, yeah, you've done every room in that one.

And if I go east once, that's the man-shaped door. And then if I go east again, that's the slurperty door. What's on the other side of the slurpery? door. Is it two on the floor of that one? There's a two on the floor of that one and when you walked in there before you just immediately backed out. By the rules of me, I have to go north in that room. North from the two, okay.

You go through the north door of that room and you find yourself suddenly in the center of a volcano and you look down you're sitting on magma and magma is very solid. It still hurts but you're slowly sinking in, very slowly. slowly, agonizing, though it may be, but it's taking a while. So you're like, ah, then you kind of get bored and you're like, oh, it hurts again, and then you keep singing, you're dead. Oh, I, I swim away. You do not. You find yourself back in the starting room.

I have to go east from there. You go to the room to the east. Not magma this time, but the makers of this place must have gotten kind of lazy. You find yourself in a jungle. You're standing in, I don't know, water, mud, no. You're sinking. You're sinking. You're sinking.

It's not painful, but you can't get out. And so it's like, well, it's slightly better than the last one, but also like, can't I just die already? Can anyone help me out? No, it's quick, sand. You die. I'm back in the starting room, yes? You're back at the start. North-wush, north-wush, north-wush, east-slurpy, south.

You traverse south. It's a long journey, this one, weirdly long. But you find yourself on the other side with clearing. It's a nice meadow. There's grass growing. You hear birds chirping. And then there again, it's all just images, so it's not real. But the illusion is very convincing in this one.

There's, you know, doors on either side of the meadow that just go off into the clearing here. And there's a, in flowers, actually, there's a two, very beautifully grown on the ground. Shit. I want to say, Bob, you've done incredibly well. I can't remember enough things to remember which room I need to get back to right now. I can try to quickly make a visual aid if it helps. I'm making my own visual aid. I go west two times from here and that brings me back in the starting column.

Is there a one on the floor of that room? There's a line. We will never confirm or deny what that is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I go south one and then east one. Is that the beach? That is the road boat room, I believe. Okay, that means it has to.

I go back west one. What's on the floor of that one? That one has a circle, yeah? Yeah, a little circle. Okay, that means I have to go west from there. Okay, that's the two room with the columns and the glossed floor. If I go south and then east one, that's the jungle. You have not gone south.

Oh, oh, wait, wait, I'm in the room with the two. The room with the two that you just entered, you've only come, or you've come from the east. You've gone west to get to that room, north, south, and west from there are not explored. I mean, I guess south. It should put me back in the. hearts room? You step into what you think is the hearts room, but turns out all the hearts are upside down. There's a big queen on a throne and she goes, all with his head. And then, but a bunch of cards carry you off and they chop off your head. I think your map is slightly off

of where you think you've been. That's not great. I will tell you this much. The column you were just in is one that you've only gone to twice from two different, well, three times, I guess, from different places and those have all ended in death. So the heart room is not in this column, it's the column one to the right. I'll share this map with you eventually and I've actually been keeping track of your journey. I'm in the starter room. You're in the starter room. I go west one.

What's on the floor of that room? You go west one from the starting room. You see a bunch of upside down hearts and a queen goes up with his head. Okay, okay. I see, I see. You're in the starter room. I'm very excited for him to see. Me too. I have each of his journeys I've got color-coded so you can see kind of, it's getting very full.

I go south from the starter room. What's on that floor? A two. I think that was the heart room. This is the heart room, yeah. Have I explored from this room to anywhere else yet? You went west and died. You went east to another room with a two. You did not go south. The whole west and south is just dead ends then. So I'm in the room that's one south of the starting room. Yes. And there's a two on the floor. Yes. And I have gone east. You've gone east, you've gone, you've come from the north, you've gone east, you've gone west and died, you have not gone south.

I mean, I'll try it just for funsy. I'll go south, but it's gonna be a death. There's a guy waiting for you with a gun on the side. He's like, he's shaking his head, like, oh, you knew it was it. You knew I was here. You knew I was here. And he aims and pulls the trigger. You knew. You're in the starter room. East one. This is the beach, I think. The beach has a one? If I go south, I'm in the two room. Those are connected. So from the beach, I go north. That room has a one. One, that's the rowboat.

From there I go north. Circle. My map is fucked up because I only have dead ends. East from the circle you've been, there's a two. North of the circle is a one. Northeast of the circle's a two. North of the circle's a one. Yep, I have those.

Northwest of that circle is a two, and straight west of that's a one. Yep. I mean, those are all dead ends. Not necessarily. Do you want a hint? I feel like you need a hint. Yeah, I feel like I'm not getting the full puzzle. Go back to the starter room, right?

I go back to starter room. On your map, if you go north, what's there? Zero. Okay, cool. You're there in the north room. What's to the west of that on your map? A two, from which I have gone? Only south.

Oh, that's what's messed up. Okay, I have to go west again, then. You go west, and you enter, a room of gold. It almost looks like the inside of a pyramid, but very new and fresh. There's a one on the ground and three stone doors. The door you came in is just a normal like bedroom wooden door. The other three doors are all stone. They look like they'd be very heavy and hard to open. Well, I got to go north. You push against a stone door, hard as you can. Push, push, push, push. It moves a little bit. Shimmies push, push, push, push. You step out and you're like,

Oh, cool. It's all stone around me. It's like a inside of a chimney or something. And then it starts getting hotter and hotter. It is a chimney. You're in a chimney. You burn to death. You're not sure if you die from smoke inhalation first or the flames. Okay, I go start a room. North, West, West, west again. You go to push open the stone door. This one is paper machet. It just kind of falls apart and breaks really easily. And you find yourself inside what looks like a classroom. There's only one desk in the classroom in the very center. It has a one on it. And there are three doors.

What is this place? West again. You go into another room. It is a series of catwalks. So you're on a catwalk going this way. And then there's another intersecting catwalk going there. Still increasing intersecting there. But it's a T-junction, right?

So your catwalk comes up here just to a thing. There is no door to the west. but you look and the the catwalk is highlighted so it looks like a line like a like a distinct line but there's a door to the north at the end of that catwalk there's a door to the south of the end of that catwalk and the one you just came from I have to go north you go north you're whooshed into a room and you're standing on a very narrow catwalk there's nowhere to really go and the catwalk is receding beneath your feet eventually there's nothing to stand on and you fall and land on a bunch of spikes in time okay I'm in the starter room I go back to the Catwalk T Junction Room and I go south. You enter into a room that has a kind of semi-circle on it. There's kind of a gap down beneath you, but it's a D-shaped room where there's still no door to the west, but there's kind of a semicircle path around this chathom, and there's a

door to the east and door to the south, but clearly it's trying to make the shape of an O on on the ground. It's just for redundancy in case someone was like, oh, I don't think it's a D. There's also a scrawled O on the ledge. Oh, I have rooms I haven't explored, but I don't know if those are going to be exits. I go east. You open the door to the east, and you find yourself on the moon? You can breathe.

Everything seems fine. There are four doors, one you came in and three other ones. And there's a crater in the middle of the room, the middle of the moon room, a very round crater. And you look inside the crater, and there is a drawn circle inside the crater. All right, well, just so I could say I've looked at it, I go east one more time. You step into a really dingy basement. It is dark, dimly lit. There is liquid dripping down all the walls.

There's some ominous thumping happening from somewhere you can't locate. But otherwise, you know, it's just a basement and there are four doors. One kind of leads to a spooky, you know, area or one kind of leads to a dimly lit area. But they're all equally spooky each way. And then there's a line on the ground. Well, I guess I can go south from there. You find yourself on like the set from Blues Clues. It's very drawn and cartoony and fun looking.

Again, the walls look like a place you could maybe walk to, but they are painted walls. In the middle of the room is a couch, and on that couch there is a red line drawn. There are four doors, one you came in and three other. Oh, and on the table, there is a pile of mail that looks like it hasn't been opened. I'm just going to do it methodically from here on out. I don't care if it's boring. I go west to the room with the one in it. Yeah, you go west and... Whoa, that's great. You're under water and you're swimming and you can still breathe.

You're kind of... And there is indeed a line of coral, yellow coral in a line. Right there on the ocean floor. I swim west to the other room with a one in it. You swim to the door, which opens up, and you end up inside a fun little. submarine. It's like a middle compartment of a submarine. You came in from the water and then there's an entrance to the south, maybe to the front of the submarine, entrance to the back, maybe the engine of the submarine. But then the opposite side from where you came in is just a solid wall of submarine.

There's no way to go that way. Yeah, yeah, Westwall got it. Is there a number? There's a line. Now we're getting somewhere. East, east, south. You enter into a stage. There's an audience in front of you and they're chanting. Every room, every room, every room, every room. Yeah, every room, every room, every. They're chanting and cheering. And then they hold up a bunch of signs that says two. All right, south again, baby.

You go into the door and you see you and Mark sitting at your desks playing Minecraft. You each have a drink in hand. and there's a third chair, but it's empty. And as you go to look at the third chair and turn it around, you feel like something's wrong. Your heart starts to clasp and shake. You go to catch your breath, but you can't. You look over and marks withered away as you fall and wither away and die yourself.

I died? Yeah, you die. Oh, interesting. My map has still got issues. Just as we all really did playing drunk Minecraft, we died, you know. So that's what really happened. Okay, well, I can tell you from what, if I remember right, what you did was you were in a room with the line, you went south, there's a room with the two with the chanting people, you went south and died. Yeah, well, I thought I knew what was east of that room, but I think I'm wrong, because now I'm in the start of room and I have to go north, west, west, south, south, east.

You open the door, and inside, there's a bunch of stacks of hay, and you're trying to walk around these different stacks of hay, and you hear a weird noise. It sounds like, egg orgasm? Well, okay, yeah, actually. I was going to say, it sounds like someone being murdered. You're going to find a pig having sex with a blanket, but you just find out do it. So yes, there's a pig hump with a blanket. And on the blanket, there's a big old number two. Okay, I think your map might be slightly off.

Wait, but if there's a two there. There is a two there. And from my recollection, if you were keeping track of this, the room to the north and the room to the east, you've explored before. Yeah, but that means that the room to the south of that is a death. That means I've fucked up my map again to where I've found a dead ended myself You've fucked up your math again because you've not been to the room to your south of where you are now No, I know that but I've been north and that's safe and I've been west in that safe and if there's a two in this room Yeah, that's incorrect

Okay, so I miss that's the room I'm missing north of you was a death east of you was a death Missing this room so I have to go south I just like straight up didn't fill in a room there So you're going south from that one south I go south Yes. You step into another kind of blank room. You're like, oh, man, everything else was so exciting. But this one has very yellow walls, very distinct yellow walls. You're kind of like, huh?

Oh, good. Getting weird, familiar vibes. There's no door to the south, but there is a line on the ground. And then just a hall that goes down to the east and a hall that goes down to the west. I go east. All right. You open the door. It's a very dark room.

In the center there's a wooden table with a birthday cake on it. The candles are mostly all burnt down. There's one little sad flame left. And there's an older lady sitting down in a chair. Seemingly unaware of your presence. She's wearing a party hat, but she's smoking a cigarette. There's a bottle of vodka sitting in front of her. You can see past her.

There is a door to the north and a door to the east. And the door you came in. There's no door to the south. I go east. You open the door to the east. And as you open it, there's a blinding white light that hits you. It hurts. Your eyes burn. But there's a warm breeze.

And you see that the light is actually coming in from the south where there's not been a door prior. As you go to investigate, you step outside. And as you step out, you feel the warm breeze, the wind, the sun hitting you. There's a path in front of you leading to what looks like a celebration ahead. And as you glance back, you see a big, just solid, ugly metal, structure that you have now stepped out of. And on the ground, you see you win, scrawled without much excitement, no punctuation. I literally went to every fucking room in the whole place.

You went to every fucking room. You went to every room. An achievement pops up in the corner of your vision that says, wow, every room, every room. You really, you really did. You don't have to show me the map. I figured it all out. the map. So this was a B where you started. You explored the fuck out of this little half. I just added this, but I was like, eh, I mean, what are the odds? He even goes to all these

but you did it in the exit. Yeah, there you go. You got out right there. We literally made every detail, none of the details fucking matter. We made everything up as we went other than the fact that there were X's that were deaths and numbers. So you're like, am I back in the rowboat room? And I was, what the fuck's the robot room? That's what I was, that's what I was, that's That's what I was testing. Honestly, when I was focused on the northeast part, I was like, I'm going to zip around and be like, okay, I'm on the beach. Okay, I'm in the robot room.

Okay. And because I thought you guys were making it up. And I thought you'd start forgetting if I fucked around with it too much. I think we did a pretty good job. We remembered the heart room. We remembered the beach and the way. Mark and I did a pretty good job. Remember in the rooms that you went through?

I think so after a while. I don't actually think I got you guys confused on any of it. I think you started to work it out and kept it. Kept it consistent. Well done. Congratulations with a whopping one point for that one correct answer you got a while back. That makes you today's winner! All right.

I think you had 11 deaths, maybe 12? Wait a few. I don't know. I wasn't keep you track of the deaths. It was a lot. It was a lot. Yeah, it was a lot. I count 12 deaths, I think.

But yeah, you did it. Congratulations. I think Mark and I worked harder than that last game than you did. but you know what, you prevail. Sometimes that's how the one-man shows go, but, you know, thanks for being a good sport. Winners Beach, I guess. It feels good to win.

I'm not very good at puzzles, and I don't know how I lost track of an entire room during that bit. Could have solved it way faster, I think, if I wasn't so confused for much of the middle portion of it. But that's what happens. That's the show. This is what distractible is always like. Lots of puzzles and scriptural.

performances, that's what we do now. Look forward to a weird mix-up where I probably host some sort of stupid game or something in the next one when I'm the host. But we'll get back to, we'll get back to our usual programming soon. Don't worry about it, everybody. And good thing. I didn't murder way to mark, hey? That is a good bit. Let me throw out there. I know we didn't do small talk. People ask, Molly's doing very well from her surgery. She's recovering well. I'll talk about it more in the next one, but just as a piece of mind for everyone. She is doing very well. Surgery went right. Yeah, I made that map literally today, the minesweeper map.

How long it take you to figure out that you were in like a minesweeper situation with the numbers? Third room. That's pretty quick. Okay. I mean, as soon as I got to, there's a two on the floor, I was like, oh, yeah, okay. There's not really a way of describing a two other than just saying a two. Yeah, yeah, I was trying to think of it. I was like, there's a backwards S on the floor.

Some kind of curly cue with a line at the bottom. Somebody was trying to draw a question mark and forgot how it ended. Well, good shit. Yeah, well done. Thank you all for watching Bob's One Man Show. Stay tuned for the next one, we're forcing him to host and risk another One Man Show once again. This is definitely going to happen.

Oh, what are the odds? What are the odds, everybody? What are the odds? They're exactly 6%. Oh, okay. There's 6%. 6% are the odds. Oh, I hope that happens,

because Mark and I definitely have plenty of ideas for a back-to-back one-man show, ready to go. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. That would be a really funny show. twist though is like back-to-back one-man shows the two that don't get the one-man show are just like what the fuck god damn it stupid idea was this you think we blew our load on the last the one-man show let's uh do it again uh yeah follow bob my skir me at minion 77 or lord minot 77 market markiplier we probably have merch there's scary tapes merch scary tapes merch is out

distractible dot shop we do eh all all Halloween merch man get some get some And make sure you check out the scary tapes episodes that are coming out every Friday throughout this month. One of them is already out. One of them will be coming out. Let's think two of them out right now. In the now that this now is, there is scary tape available. Real live scary tape is available. That you can use to fix your faucet. All of that at distractible.shop. Also, I think the anthology is out at this point. It's weird because we're sort of time traveling right now, but Scary Tapes Anthology, which is a book featuring the five winning stories as well as 10 additional stories that were so good,

but that we couldn't all make all of them into podcast episodes. It's available for purchase at real good a.I.org slash anthology. And there were some questions about this that have cleared up. Not every story that was submitted is in the anthology, just as many as could be fit along with the winners. There were so many submissions. It would have had to been like a book series to get them all out. It would be like an encyclopedia set. It would be ridiculous.

Yeah. So sorry to those that didn't make it, but as many as could be fit into a book, reasonably were fit into the book. I think that does it. So thank you, Mark and I for doing all the hard work. And thank you, Bob, I guess, for winning it somehow. You did. Until the next one, Mark, you want to say the word. Oh, no, you got it, man.

You've been getting it. Podcast out.