Distractible - Bread

Episode Date: May 1, 2023

Wade gets a ~rise~ out of Mark and Bob by making them argue about bread. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Befuddled Bob the carpet cannoli killer gets to the bottom of erring on the error of his ways. From placentas to pork torch heirlooms. Yes, it's time for bread. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of Distractible. I'm today's host, Wade. And if you haven't been here here before the way this works is one of us host to the to compete the winner Chooses a new winner or the host rather chooses a new winner one of them host the next episode blah blah blah We get points at different ways depends on the episode and I'm joined as always by my co-hosts mark and Bob

Are you you do him or me minus one point for Mark to start this episode. Okay, well, I was saying boo words. I'm just preemptively knowing that I'm going to get screwed with because of the screwing that has occurred before, so I'm getting it out of the way. You're really waiting it up right now. You're preempting. Nothing has happened, Mark.

Yeah, take my points. I dare you. If it makes you feel any better, I kind of wrote my name instead of bob's so for there for a minute bob didn't even have a chance of winning unless he had unless you ended up in the negatives which right now you are i really goofed it for myself i see that now you did the error of my ways shall not be rectified uh oh you're gonna get wrecked to find i raise a meaningless point that i've always

wondered always is the saying the error of my ways or is it the air of my ways uh so err or err i saw it written for the first time in a long time and it was spelled err the air of my ways but i feel like i always say error of my ways and is that wrong i do too but i think it's technically the air of my way yeah i think it's it probably is no to air is human is like uh is an older expression oh that's true isn't it yeah oh is that just like old english shorthand for the same word it's error with no o in it yeah i think so air err to be mistaken or incorrect make a mistake so it's the same thing it's just the same word so it's like slang you know whatever i like i said not important i just literally was thinking about that the other day because i saw it written

and i was like it's old english for l riz you know is don't do good well that was informative you know what bob one point all right mark you're really throwing this one away yeah throw it harder away to me don't take my thing one i don't like it two i love it three it's turn on don't do it maybe how are you guys you good i'm pretty good i was really grappling with that error thing, but we sorted that out, so that feels better. That kind of came out of left field. Literally, one of you said the error of our ways or whatever,

and my brain was like, which is it? You can't say that to me unless we get to the bottom of this. No, no, no, Bob, you can't have that, because apparently I'm the king of adhd true have you seen this lately is that a crown yeah apparently i am the king i have noticed that the one clip where we talked about in the same self-actualization thing that bob led you which i talked about last episode right which you did yeah and in the in the interim which is the past room for everyone watching this because we record these a little ahead of time uh the clip

of us talking about it me like explaining my experiences with adhd is like everyone is sharing it on twitter i've been seeing tweets with millions and millions of views i know clip of you talking about it's describing your executive function issue or whatever yeah and so this is like kind of that thing where i was gonna a long time ago i always wanted to make a video talking about my experience with adhd but i wanted to like actually get someone like a neuroscientist or a specialist in it to help verify what i was saying so i wasn't just speaking off the cuff and there it goes like well all right there goes my unclinical explanation of what i is that people are taking as gospel truth you have several i can't call them phds but you have several expertises that kind of interrelate that makes sense where you could speak on this matter you're the king of fnaf

yes the king of squirrels yes and now the king of adhd yes and honestly i feel like that leaves you exclusively qualified to be viral really no one else is better qualified to talk about it i i hear you loud and clear yeah that's fair that is fair who's better than the king to talk about it exactly you're the king of ohio no other person in ohio can yeah how's that going for you is that good good? Is that as fun as it sounds like it is? So far, the rest of Ohio has not come up with porch forks. You know, porch forks or pitchforks. A porch fork is a unique Ohio thing. You guys wouldn't know about it.

You left. I'm exclusively allowed to talk about porch forks. It's the type of pitchfork you keep on your porch in case you need to go chase someone out of your town. Exclusively for mobbing, though. You can't use it for your farm. Exclusively for mobbing, though. You can't use it for your farm. It's only for mobbing. Yeah.

You got to be part of the torch and mob crew to have your porch fork. Your porch torch, your porch fork. Oh, I can't say that too fast. Try. Your pork torch and your turk lork. No, no, no. You're skirting the line there. You're skirting the line, man.

You can't skirt that line. You're telling me I can't talk about my pork torch? Not on a podcast. Don't talk about my pork torch not on a podcast don't talk about your pork torch not on a video podcast only available on spotify show it show it show you show you right now on the camera my pork torch i would love that has anyone ever referred to it as a pork torch because that is that is a great new expression for it if they have what's wrong with them hey you want to go back there and see my pork torch kind of yeah actually it's like tossing the pigskin you'll go toss the pork torch i don't think i do i don't think i do man yeah dad wait i that sounds different than, can't we just throw the football around?

Oh, come on, son. That would be great. I don't want to toss your pork torch around. That doesn't sound good at all. I don't care what it is. I don't want to touch it. No, no, it doesn't have to be mine. Come on, man.

Come on, son. Oh, man. Actually, great-grand... No, no. Great-grand... Your great-grandfather's pork torch it's a family heirloom oh man yeah i bet it is dad i bet it is well i'm glad you guys are doing well good good to catch oh yeah yeah yeah uh yeah how are you mark so i got pork torch stuff going on yeah i'm king of adhd now um but you know that was kind of the the predominant thing that's going on besides this whole movie business so bob how do

you feel about the fact i've got ohio mark's got squirrels fanaf and adhd and are you the king of pork torch uh no i'm definitely not the king of it i don't want to be the king of anything i didn't either but sometimes you don't ask for responsibility, it just thrusts itself upon you. No one's made me the king of anything, so I don't think I am the king of anything. We can thrust the pork torch at you. Yeah, you kind of like the Olympic torch, just gets passed on to you from wherever you are and you have to keep running with it. Actually, that's how the Olympic torch works, right? If the other runner dies at your feet with the torch, you have to pick it up.

Yeah, that's actually the way that works, is you run until you die. If you catch on fire from it, if they drop the torch on you, you are forced to get in the torch and be the fire for the next runner. Interesting. Anyway, I'm not the king of anything, and I don't want to be, so I'm good.

This guy. It works out pretty nicely so far. Being the king of Ohio is the exact same as i was a week ago so um good show old chaps that's it thank you guys for tuning in stay tuned for i do have an episode and being as you know this not not to toot my own horn here but self-actualization which i don't even think is actually what self-actualization is but just what the episode's called and we referenced it as it's a little bit different is, but just what the episode's called and what we referenced it as. It's a little bit different.

I talked about that in the episode. But being as that's such a popular episode that's reverberating around the world, and I hosted it, I felt the pressure of coming up with an equally amazing topic this week, and I think I've got it. You guys don't look as excited and in awe as I was hoping for. I'm on the edge of my seat.

We are going to talk about bread okay i like bread i i don't really eat much bread these days i i've been trying to cut back but bread is has been around for a long time i think it can be traced as far back as at least 30 000 years people have been eating or making bread of some kind. Dozens of years, at least. At least dozens of years. Bread has been a staple for many a scene, many a meal, many a life. And also, there's other ways of looking at bread. There's B-R-E-A-D, and there's also breeding.

B-R-E-E-D-I-N-G, or, you know, B-R-E-D for bread. Bread, bread, breeding. So we can talk about all the various kinds of bread. Ginger bread. You want to we can talk about all the various kinds of bread, ginger bread. You want to make an episode about breeding? Dude, the first episode of this was about hair. That's a very different subject matter. And we don't have to talk about sex.

We can talk about bread. Whatever kind of bread we talk about is kind of up to us. I would never have thought about the past participle of breed if you hadn't said it! I thought you were going towards like, oh bread also is a slang term for money. Get that bread gamers? There, see? Another term for, another thing we can talk about. Today we're talking about all things bread, just like how we originally talked about all things hair. Anything that comes to mind you guys want to talk about involving bread, wherever goes wrong It's your fault, and I'm here for why is it my fault. There's no tumors made of bread

Except in the team Fortress 2 animation where they had breads full of tumors that turned into Monsters bred from the teleporter accidents that looks like you just came up with one without even doing You go all right mark you are now at zero points congratulations okay take more from bob all right well you asked nicely so you guys are both tied at zero yes oh yeah no he kind of commanded you and it wasn't very nice he was angry when he said it but whatever i have you guys have you guys ever made bread have you baked a loaf of bread of any kind family has though i've seen it made i've never done it myself i have seen it made and different kinds of bread are any kind before? No, family has, though. I've seen it made. I've never done it myself, but I have seen it made. And different kinds of bread are differently complicated. Like, if you make cheesy bread, or if you make, like, multigrain versus wheat versus,

like, there's all kinds of different stuff. I'm not very good at it. It's a mystery, because it's deceptively simple, but it's not that simple to get, like, a really good loaf of bread. I don't know where I'm going with this. That's the point. Oh, I don't have to go anywhere. Okay.

No, we're just talking about bread. There's an ulterior motive here, Bob. You know it. I do feel like in the hair episode, was there more of a prompt or was it just hair? We talked about, well, everyone remembers the teratomas, but we talked about a wide variety of things involving hair. We talked about dunking yourself into a vat of nair. I remember that.

Was that where the hermes statues came from hermes you mean herms you know the herms statues of hermes specifically just hermes hermes herm statue uh i don't remember if that was the herm episode it was one of those early ones it was didn't it have uh parachuting clowns in it oh the parachuting clowns that was that was an early one too but I don't remember if that was that one. Was that the odor one? I thought that was the odor. That was body odor.

I always look back at those first episodes and I think of how Unisonis started with us doing this and then the first episode was like, cooking with sex toys and people were just like, what? I look back at those and like you know we got our self-actualization then we got hair we you never know what you're gonna get here

could you make bread with sex toys but i know i know you have an ulterior motive you absolutely could make bread with sex toys you would just need a really big one to be like a rolling pin and i need to take this moment to deny mark's accusations i'm just here about the bread they had a mammoth one that was like this big around it looked like an artillery round and it's like i don't think any human ever could but if you rolled that out you would make some bread real good with that that'd be a great rolling pin i could see that oh god do you have to roll i guess you would roll it depends you don't really use a rolling pin on a lot of types of dough, but if you're making something that's flatter,

or like flatbread is bread, right? So if you're making like naan or something in that vein, or it's like a flatbread, you would roll it out a little bit potentially. Are dumplings a form of bread? They're dough. What differentiates bread from flour and water and an egg? It's pretty much.

I feel like they're closer to pasta, but that's more of an ideological difference. So are dumplings soup? Dumpling is a thing in. Are dumplings corn dogs? What? Are dumplings corn? Okay, I just wanted to ask. Okay.

Corn dogs could conceivably be in the category of bread products because it's essentially a hot dog encased in fried cornbread yeah but that's bread did products so chicken tenders would fall in the same category quick google search a dumpling loaf is a type of quick bread that's made with a dumpling loaf though there's a dumpling loaf a dumpling that sounds like an obscure thing i'm sure that if i mixed my dumpling dough and put it in the oven for long enough, it would make some kind of bread, but that doesn't make... Does your dumpling dough have leavening in it? Does it have, like, baking soda? No.

Mine doesn't. Some have baking soda. It would be, like, really dense, then. Yeah. Well, yeah. So, that's the dumplings. They are pretty dense. If I put baking soda in my dumplings, they might have a little more... It'd be, like, airy. It'd be like a soda bread. It would get a little softer. Ooh. Dumplings are considered a dish that

consists of pieces of dough wrapped around a filling or pieces of dough with no filling. That's a different type of dumpling. That's filled dumplings, but Mark's dumplings are still dumplings. This is like southern, American southern, like, dumplings. Yeah, dumplings. Like, if you think of, like, a Cracker Barrel dumpling, like, what difference does that...

It's just a thick noodle, right? Don't you dare disparage by calling it a thick... You're a thick noodle! I love noodles! You take your thick noodle out of here! Can I say that I think American-style dumplings are not too dissimilar from Spätzle? German Spätzle?

Which is kind of like a dumpling dough that you then put into boiling water and it cooks into like an amorphous dumpling shape. And there's like small Spetzel and like bigger Spetzel. I would say that your dumpling dough recipe is probably not that different from like a Spetzel dough recipe. Probably not. And those are kind of related. Yeah, okay. And Spetzel is generally kind of considered almost a pasta, but it's really not a pasta.

It's more of like its own thing. But like Hofbrauhaus has really good like spetzel that's done in like a mac and cheese style. Interesting. Hofbrauhaus, for those that don't know, there's a, I don't know how many there are, but there's one in like, is it Newport? Is it down near Newport, Kentucky? It's in Cincinnati. Okay, let's not give Kentucky credit for things. There's a Hofbrauhaus in Cincinnati.

kentucky credit for things there's a opera house in cincinnati on the other side of the river which is technically in kentucky but nobody cares because it's part of cincinnati nobody is like i'm going to newport going to newport on the levee well if you're an ohioan yeah bob if you're literally just someone trying to figure out where the hell it is good luck google it it don't matter it don't matter they don't matter they don't matter you think the people are listening to us name every place we've ever been just frantically googling like no one's here fact checking they're all here crashing their spaceships i i can't believe they haven't run out of jokes of different ways to crash when listening to distract oh no that's the thing

is that they have they just continue to recycle them every now and then there's a unique one every now and then someone comes up with something very unique i refuse that premise on the on the face of it i'm gonna refuse all over the face of that premise has anybody laughed so hard at distractible that they missed their car and accidentally got into their kid's Fisher-Price vehicle and then started rolling down a hill. They regained control just as we told another joke and they lost control, went over a bridge and landed on another car

and made them crash. Is that a post or did you make that up? I haven't seen that so I don't know if that's a post. That from your brain, Wade? Is that fresh off the press? I just literally just came up with that. It's not that good. Thank you.

I'm glad you laughed before. Glad you thought it was funny before it was mine. That makes sense. That follows suit. I had a question. No, it's gone. I was going to ask something and it was going to be pertinent. Great.

Do it. Don't pucker face at me. I'm not going to tell you your question. I lost it. It's gone. No, it's gone. Want help thinking? I can help. I'm not going to tell you your question. I lost it. It's gone. No, it's gone. Want to help think? I can help you.

Are you going to help him think? That's not the face that I make. Man, you can only get this exclusive video content over at Spotify. You want to see us all make the incredible faces we're making. Give me points for saying that the best kind of sandwich bread is a sourdough loaf cut into slices. Okay, I might not necessarily agree with you, but you asked for the points, so I'll give them to you. Sourdough loaf? You said points, so I guess I'll give you two.

They make sourdough in the shape of sandwich loaves, so you can have sourdough sandwiches that's not... You don't have to get those big oval-shaped slices of sourdough where it's like a total fucking nightmare. If we had that rounded top on it, I don't know whose gob is wide enough to get that in there. Best way to eat bread. Is it a sandwich? Is it like toasted with like toasted sandwich? Is it like a- If you're eating a sandwich, you're not eating bread.

You're eating a sandwich. You're eating- You're technically eating bread, but you're not eating bread to eat bread. So you can't go like- You can't have a sandwich and be like, Oh, what are you eating? Bread. Like that wouldn't make any sense at all.

So I follow a lot of sandwich TikToks, okay? Sandwich TikTok is a thing. I follow an account specifically called Sandwich Dad, who does a lot of sort of philosophy of sandwiches, if you will. Philosophy of sandwiches? He broke it down. I watched a TikTok recently where he broke it down

and said that there are sort of types of sandwiches right it's a type of sandwich where it's about the filling where you're you're eating like a philly cheesesteak right it's about the bread is there but it's about the sandwich filling and there are types of sandwiches that exist where it's about the bread where it's basically bread with just like a little bit of stuff and i would say like something like a really good like a really good focaccia, but cut and then with some basil and tomato and maybe olive oil or something drizzled on it.

But then you eat it like it's a sandwich, but it's about the bread. And he was specifically, he was making a sandwich that's like, he was making this Portuguese bread that's a very specific thing, and he was talking about I don't remember all the details, but there are sandwiches where I would say you could say it's about's about the bread you wouldn't say i'm eating bread but it's a bread sandwich where there's just a little extra than the bread but i agree that like there

are some sandwiches where the bread matters and it changes the entire experience of the sandwich but you can't saying you were wrong got it no that's not what i'm saying that's not what i'm saying that's not what i'm saying what i'm I think that sounds like points for me. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is if you're eating a sandwich, you cannot lie to the general populace and say, I'm eating bread. That'd be ridiculous to say. When does it go too far? What if you are eating bread and you're like, oh, well, I'll just put like,

just like some basil leaves on this bread. What if it's two pieces of sourdough and the sandwich is a piece of wheat bread in the middle? I wanted to hear Bob's example. Yeah, mine was less, just silly. We're not here to be silly. We're talking sandwich philosophy. Talking sandwiches! No, but what if you're eating a nice piece of bread

and you're like, well, I'll just put like a little bit of herbs on it. Is it still bread if it's bread with herb? What if you slice it open even? I will allow like a schmear. A schmear on bread is fine. You can schmear. So you're still eating bread. You're still eating bread.

If you have like a sauce on it or something. Because it's like, yeah, it's like jam. Wait, is it though? If you put jam on toast, you're not just eating bread. If someone- That is a sandwich. Yeah, because if you were like, what are you eating?

And I'm like, oh, I'm eating bread, but there's jam on it. Well, if you're eating an open face piece of toast with jam on it that's eating you're eating toast which is just the same as eating toasted bread but it's toast different than bread this is all just semantics in my head because i like bread and butter you're eating butter on your bread i like toast and jam listen we're talking about sandwiches aggressively here are you gonna give somebody points or something? What the hell is going on here? Oh, I'm keeping track of points.

The judge only speaks up when there's points to give and points to take. Otherwise, butt out. We're competing here. I say that if you're eating toast. Okay, we're changing. Okay, you're dictating the way this is hosted. Got it. If you're eating toast, then I don't know if you can qualify that as eating bread.

Because it's not the same but is it toast just a shorthand of saying i'm eating a toasted piece of bread with some butter on it or some jam on it but it's a toasted piece of bread if you toast isn't anything that's not bread if you toast a bagel it's still a bagel right it's not toast but if you toast bread it becomes toast because toast ubiquitously is known as toasted bread. That's probably even the definition of it. However, is it still bread? Isn't this just our words for it?

This whole episode is about semantics. You apply a word to the whole episode. We can only debate the words. I feel like we're having a healthy debate about bread. So in English, toast is toasted bread bread but bagel is bagel in other languages if you toast bread i'm curious if it's a word for toast or if they just say toasted bread i say that if you have toast and it's just so you don't apply anything to it it's still bread because it's just toasted bread but if you put jam on it it becomes something else because you started changing it. What is bread if you put butter on it? Bread and

butter, that's bread and butter. Okay, what if you toast, what if you butter your toast? Buttered toast. Buttered toast. As Ed from Ed and Nettie said long ago, he declared it as something entirely different. It changed. It fundamentally changed. Just like with bread, when you put things between it and put another bread, at some point it becomes a sandwich and not necessarily just bread because it becomes something else the whole crux of the argument is that it becomes something at some point so you just have to define what that point is at which you cannot say that it's bread and still not be lying well i just want to say if one of the translations from english to spanish of toast is el pan tostado which i believe means the bread toasted on you so i don't know how much weight that carries but like yeah pan is bread right so

it's the bread toasted it's toasted bread i would say that toast is just a shorthand in the same way that what's a good comparison to that man i, I should have thought of this before I started saying this sentence. If I stall long enough, I'll probably get there. Hang on. I'll ask my question to Mark. Yeah, go ahead. If you butter bread or butter toast and it's still buttered version, if you put the same exact amount of jam

on bread with no butter as you would have put butter, is it something, what is that called? You're more accurately eating bread than if you put have put butter. Is it something, what is that called? You're more accurately eating bread than if you put it on toast. So if I saw you on the street and you were eating bread and jam, not toasted, and I had a gun to your head,

I would not shoot you. So the toasted bread leaves it still bread. Jam on bread is still bread, but jam on toast, something significantly changes. Yes, yes yes yes yes that's where you get two steps in that's a problem for me okay so more than one alteration to the bread and it's no longer bread to you i think i think that's a fair declaration because you have a bagel you toast a bagel it's still toasted bagel but a big toasted bagel with cream cheese is something different what butter and butter and salt? Butter and salt? Yeah, you're starting down the road of sandwich.

Once you go down the road of sandwich, you don't come back. You better watch yourself out there. You're putting two things on your bread. Is it a matter of the construction? I, as an example, as a counterpoint, in a lot of cultures, bread is frequently dipped, right? In olive oil mixed with herbs or olive oil with vinegar or something if you are not spreading the toast so you could theoretically dip bread in salt

or not salt in butter or salt i guess instead of spreading it on if you have a hunk of bread and you're like dipping it's dipping in butter you're dipping in oil and you're like dipping. It's dipping in butter, you're dipping in oil, and you're like, you're dipping the bread and eating the bread. Wouldn't you say that is basically just eating bread, but you're putting like a little sauce on it? Because you're not making a sandwich. Yeah, I think- It's not a sandwich.

I think that is safe territory because when you have a bread and you're dipping it in something, you're making the bread the dominant piece of the relationship. So it's not an even 50-50. It is taking control of the situation. So when you put bread in something and dipping,

which is why dipping is a superior form of saucing things as opposed to just splattering all over it, you dip, that way you maintain control and integrity of what you're dipping in. What if you spread butter on a piece of bread and dip that in another sauce? That's a cannoli. That is not a cannoli. What's the difference between that and a cannoli? What do you think

a cannoli is? Oh my god! Do you think a cannoli is related to bread, Mark? No, because what I'm thinking about it is a cannoli, you put, you have like a flat piece of thing, you wrap it in something so if you were to dip bread in something you kind of have to put some kind of a fold in.

What? You think a cannoli is? You kind of have to put a fold in it. It's got a fold in it. Rolled. And then they dip it in like whipped cream on the edge or something. Here's the definition of cannoli. Italian pastries in the form of hard tubular shells filled with sweetened ricotta cheese and often containing nuts, citron, I don't know how that's pronounced, or chocolate bits.

I rest my case. A cannoli is a hard shell that you bake around a metal tube, and then when it's done, it's a tube. It's an empty tube. And then you pipe cream into it of some sort. You don't, you maybe dip the end of the cannoli in some chocolate and pistachios or something. You don't dip it in shit. A cannoli has nothing to do with this. Either way, the comparison stands because a cannoli is not bread.

And therefore you putting something on it and dipping something in it. But what I said wasn't a cannoli either! Spreading butter on a piece of bread and then dipping that in a sauce does not make it a cannoli! I dare you to do it without rolling it and I think he's imagining you're rolling it up for some reason. Yeah, you look at it after you're done dipping and you're like, oh my god, I made a cannoli.

You don't need to spread butter on a flat piece of bread. You take a hunk of bread, you spread butter around it, you dip. It's still the same hunk of bread you were dipping earlier. Your argument loses weight! You don't take a piece of bread and you hollow it out shove bread inside so the warmth that melts it from outside in i mean i do do that but that's not what i was supposing that's just for fun but it's pretty close to a cannoli i fuck butter in bread at whatever that you know where you know where it's good for that the bread at uh cheesecake factory is good for that yes actually you could absolutely get you just make a little hole and then you just

put cheesecake factory pro bread move. You put the butter. Well, they changed their butter so it's actually on a plate instead of the rolls. But back when it was like refrigerated things, you stick it in between the bread pieces. And then when you get to it, it's already melted. And you'd sprinkle a little salt over top. That way, when Mark puts his salt on his piece that he eats, he has a heart attack and dies. Just because I know the truth about cannolis and

you don't does not mean that i deserve i don't think you know what a cannoli is at all i'm not italian neither am i but i know what a cannoli is i don't think there's there's any difference between a cannoli and a hot dog or like cannoli and bread and butter and anything like that it's a rolled piece of bread they all fall within a taco is a cannoli that's sweet what a bold claim i fucking love no wait i love that actually the the debate is always wait is a hot dog a sandwich blah you know what a hot dog is idiots a hot dog is a cannoli are all sandwiches cannolis mark no not everything's a cannoli, you fool. It's not that. Are sandwiches cannolis?

No, they're not rolled! What about a wrap? Wrap is... A wrap is just a savory cannoli? Yeah, savory cannoli. Okay, okay. You know what? You're winning me over.

You're winning me over on this. Exactly. Good, good, good. Is a taco a cannoli? In a way, yeah. A taco is explicitly a cannoli. It's not rolled all the way over, but it's a crunchy shell folded over. It creates an interior of a...

It's definitely a cannoli. It's on the way to cannoli-ism. I thought cannolis had to contain that kind of cheese from the definition, but maybe not. What kind of cheese? I don't know. I lost the tab. I don't feel like looking it back up. Yeah, just Google cannoli.

I don't think cheese has anything specifically to do with the cannoli either. I didn't think so either, but it was in the definition. Let me see. There are certainly like mascafone and ricotta based fillings you can make for cannolis, but I don't think that has... Filled with sweetened ricotta cheese and then often containing nuts, citron, or chocolate bits. That's just Webster trying to control all of our minds with their strict definitions. They don't even know what a cannoli is.

The dictionary doesn't even know what words are. That doesn't make it shit up. We here at Distractible know better than anyone else what a cannoli is. This is what this is about. Mark's claims are exquisite today. Mark, what a part of the basis of your claim here. Cannoli is not bread, right? Cannoli is not bread.

Okay, so anything that ventures into cannoli territory can't be bread. Exactly, because it just starts to get too complicated. So not all cannolis are bread, but some breads are cannolis. No, no cannolis are bread, period. And also anything that starts to resemble a cannoli is also not bread. Even if it has bread. Yes, that's the crux of the argument. Even if it literally is bread by definition,

if it begins to resemble a cannoli, it's no longer bread. If you see your loaf of bread start to roll on your counter, it's starting to turn cannoli. And you gotta stop that before it's too late. So if my finger wraps around, does it start to become a cannoli? Your finger's not bread. How hard is this to understand?

I'm just trying to figure out what what constitutes a cannoli if you put some like spread on my finger and i roll it up does it become a cannoli but if your body did then you're starting to be a cannoli i don't think mark's being unclear at all i think wade's just not following i don't think wade's not coming along this is meant to do this your body is not meant to start to so cannolis aren't meant to be made they just become no they're they're made the way they are by humans okay yes it's forced out of its unnatural form into a cannoli form which is the lowest form of food so if you willingly roll your finger but what if your finger what if you're resisting but someone's put spread and they force your finger

in if your finger starts going backwards the other way and gets a cream filling, then yeah, you've got cannoli. Okay, got it. I'm starting to understand. I think I'm starting to think this is it. That's where that classic mafia threat comes from. You know, you know all those iconic movie scenes where the guy's like, Hey, you know, it'd be a shame if one of your fingers, say, started to cannoli a little bit. Let's say you just tell us what we want to know and we move on.

So the chefs are preparing a feast, a grand feast, and they run out of their cannoli ingredients. So one of the chefs is like, all right, Giovanni, you know what to do. And Giovanni gets out of the truck and he runs inside. He grabs somebody's like, look at that. There's so many cannolis waiting to be made. He starts cutting off the guy's fingers and making cannolis. No, anything can be a cannoli ingredient. That's the danger of it. It's like anything could be put inside a cannoli. It's the risk. You you know you have anything could start to roll you up in it if you roll yourself in a carpet you start to become a cannoli you're a car panoli i can't make this more clear i i'm trying to understand guys i'm trying bob i'm glad you're on mark's

side now it makes this a lot easier i look you just have to listen to the words that he's saying he's not he's not He's not making it complicated. You're making it complicated. Mark is just explaining clearly where we're coming from. Anything willingly rolled up is not a cannoli. But if you force something to roll and fill it with the right ingredients, it becomes a cannoli. It doesn't matter willingly or not. It's like it's a destiny. If its destiny is to be rolled, if that's its purpose in the universe, then it's not going to cannoli.

You don't have to worry about that. Like a roly-poly ain't a cannoli it's just a bug but if it goes the other way and someone stuffs it in a sweet crispy tortilla thing then that's a cannoli what might be the dumbest segment we've had in the history of this podcast the passion with which you are exclaiming your cannoli rules i'm just trying to make it so clear so everyone's on the same page and then we can let's get away from cannolis i will you can't cannolis are inescapable is gingerbread bread no it's just a liar yeah it says a cookie okay because gingerbread refers to a broad category of baked goods which can include i, I think, breads. Flavored with ginger, cloves, nutmeg, and cinnamon, sweetened with honey sugar.

So gingerbread doesn't have to be bread, but it can be made into bread, but it's called gingerbread. If it's going to broadly just return to itself as gingerbread, but then not be bread, it's just a liar. I think it can be bread. Even if it looks like it is bread, it's a liar and it can't be trusted. So you just assume it's not bread. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I'm not going to side with the liar.

Well, okay. What about bread crumbs? Those were bread. That's like saying I'm eating a bread sandwich. Cannolis were bread. Cannolis were never bread. Bread crumbs used to be bread, but now they're crumbs. They're just crumbs of what used to be bread. Bread crumbs used to be bread, but now they're crumbs. They're just crumbs of what used to be bread.

A-tom cannot be divided. There's a more elegant word. Atom. It's a Greek. It's Greek. A-tom. Of course. A-tom. That's the original Greek form.

It means indivisible or something like that. I don't know. But I believe that bread, as a pure form of bread could be divided into infinite chunks because you are not adding anything to it. You are in fact, not even reducing anything. You are maintaining the purity of its form. So bread crumbs on a technical level, those are just tiny slices of bread. You're just slicing even further. I'm just going to throw out there that I think a key part of bread is, and this is confusing, but it's called the crumb of the bread, which is essentially the air bubbles inside of it.

The thing that makes bread bread and not just a chunk of wheat that's cooked into a brick and is completely inedible is the air inside of it. You develop the gluten, which creates air pockets. And when you bake the bread, the air pockets are the thing that make the bread bread. If you took the exact same stuff, if you took wheat flour, water, leaveners, whatever, but you didn't allow it to leaven, you didn't need it,

you didn't do all this stuff where you let it rise and you let it develop the gases and there were no air bubbles, you would bake a rock. You would have a wheat flour brick of inedibly hard, completely insufferably disgusting crap. It would be a chunk of inedible nonsense. The thing that makes bread bread, aside from the actual ingredients of it, is the air. So at some point, if you're cutting and cutting and cutting bread, if you've reached a point where you've essentially cut out all of the air pockets and

it's in the form of a crumb where it's just the little crunchy crumbly parts, it's not bread anymore. You've lost that thing that makes bread bread. I'd say that you couldn't possibly divide it any smaller than the air particles themselves. So the piece of bread that doesn't have an air pocket inside of it is merely one half of its true partner crumb that could be anywhere in the world it's like entangled particles they're entangled bread they're entangled bread but that doesn't mean that they are bread in the state that they're in they still would need to be one whole in order to classify that as bread but they have bread tensile so it's like you know gravity as potential energy as potential bread if we're talking theoretical physics, then yes, those two entangled breadcrumbs have some sort of theoretically physically definable state where they have the constant potential of being bread.

But it's like, it's like Schrodinger's cat or, you know, it's like observing a wave of light or whatever. Markiplier's bread equals Schrodinger's cat. When you observe it at a specific point in time as opposed to as a theoretical construct, it's not actually bread because you're observing it at that specific moment and it is in a specific observable state. The observable state is a crumb, not bread,

even if the theoretical state is always bread, potentially. That is, I was going to argue further, but that is a sound argument, and I yield this round to Bob. All right, easy. Except you forgot about the entire category of unleavened bread, you heathen. They still have air in them. Unleavened breads are still defined. Everything has air in it. No, they're stillads are still defined. Everything has air in it.

No, they're still defined by the bubbles. You know how you get little brown spots? You know how you get little brown spots on pita bread and on naan bread? You know what those little brown spots are? Air bubbles. That's good. Because it expands inside the dough, and it makes a spot that touches the griddle more directly and browns off.

The air bubble defines what those flatbreads are. Oh, okay, I'm sorry. When a fish goes bloop bloop in the ocean, is it baking bread in front of its mouth? I think not. Just because something has air bubbles in it does not make it bread. You know nothing about what fish in the ocean do. I challenge you to say definitively that there's not bread in those bubbles.

I say definitively that there is not bread in those bubbles i say definitively that there is not bread in those bubbles because you wait my argument wait think about it fish are not burping bread i'm willing to stake my entire reputation i think that's a feeling not a fact mark i think that's a feeling i just want to point out to the viewers mark's entire reputation lies on the fact fish are not burping bread. They're not! Everything he's built in the last ten or so years come down to this. Are fish burping his bread? I think not.

I mean, we need that little submarine they took down in the Titanic so we can do some research, I think, on this. Let's go explore burping fish i think you're reaching i don't think you have any uh evidentiary underpinning to say that that's a fact i think that's just how you feel about it i think that the ocean is full of mysteries and we should destroy it i think we can all agree on that we should just fill it in with concrete who needs an ocean it mixes itself you just dump the powder in there is concrete bread concrete is like bread for stone giants oh because clearly stone giants don't eat food they consume other stone i thought bread necessitated wheat i thought that was the common ground of which we were all basing bread

made out of corn flour rice flour wheat specifically is not a thing that you need to have a bread well if we're willing to yield and i am and don't get me wrong i am if we're willing to yield that other substances can be baked into bread that would open up so many that would open up pandora's bread box of possibilities and i don't think we as a species are ready for that kind of circumstance i think we as a species are already exploring that i have a tiktok that is pertinent to this exact point in the back of my mind there is a gentleman on tiktok who makes english foods and other kinds of foods specifically uh have you you know the the english uh commonly eaten meal of beans on toast right it's just like canned baked beans and then you make a piece of toast you put the beans on he made cheese on boast

wherein he took canned beans reduced them to a paste made a loaf of bread with the canned beans as the primary ingredient in place of flour and i'm not gonna say that it looked like a normal slice of bread, but it was boast. As in bean bread toast. It was absolutely. I don't know where the chin came from. He took bread and like turned

it into breadcrumbs. Breadcrumbs. And then like cooked it. That's how bread's made. with like some other stuff so that it became like a baked beans made with like bread crumbs sort of thing he made he made teens and boast and it's hard to pronounce that correctly because it is toast i guess it's teens and boast teen teens i don't know it's hard to say it but you understand what i'm saying i don't understand anything that you're saying.

He made bread into baked beans, and he made baked beans into bread, and you can make bread with anything you want. We're already there as a species. The only thing that I got from your argument was bread comes, and that just further solidifies my point, because if you're willing to say that beans can be made into toast, then the expression, I've got a bun in the oven, holds water, and that means humans are bread. And we're not ready for that. So we're getting into breeding bread. So to breed bread, you need breadcrumbs. If you can breed bread with breadcrumbs, then you are unleashing a nightmare scenario for the future of humanity. Breadmanity. What if you get toasted and you accidentally breed bread?

You accidentally breed bread? Yeah, what if you get toasted, like you're real toasted, and you accidentally breed bread, but bread comes? Bob, are you understanding what this man's saying? And is a baby in the womb a cannoli? No! How do you not understand cannolis at this point? The uterus is the cannoli, obviously.

Yes, obviously! Or, if anything, the human around theerus is the cannoli, obviously. Yes, obviously. Or if anything, the human around the baby is the cannoli shell. But I would say maybe the uterus more specifically. It's really not an important semantic argument, but the baby is the filling and everyone knows that. A baby has air in it and a baby gets bigger. Does that make a baby bread? A baby doesn't necessarily have air in it. A baby has oxygen in it, but but oxygen like it's like where do you draw the line of air i don't know how nutrients are presented into a baby but i imagine that they're digesting anything they might be producing all right okay we got to back up to the whole placenta

how it works okay so between the baby no wait i think we covered that previously i think we let's cover it more no it's the important placenta a bread? No. Well, you can eat it. I wonder how people prepare placentas. Just because you can eat it does not make it bread. Is it a cannoli? No, no, no. I'm going back to our original thing where if you're eating a sandwich and you tell me that you are eating bread and I have a gun, guess what's going to happen? It's not my fault. You're going to steal my bread?

It's not my fault. It's not bread. It's a sandwich. Are you threatening to shoot my sandwich or me steal my bread? No, man, it's not bread! It's a sandwich! Are you threatening to shoot my sandwich or me or my bread? Oh, you'll get to know. I'll find out if you lie. Anyway, just because you can eat something does not make it bread. Just because you can roll something does not make it a cannoli.

Just because you can breed something does not make it bread. And just because you have a baby does not mean that it is tapping into your blood supply directly because there is a blood barrier between the placenta and the mother's uterus that provides through diffusion the nutrients necessary to sustain the baby. Do babies have to have oxygenated blood when they're still in the womb? Yes. Yes. So is that air? Is oxygenated blood still technically, is oxygen still technically air at that point?

Babies actually breathe liquid in their lungs when they're in the womb. But is there any source of air in them? I mean, on a very small scale, then, yeah, oxygen would be dissolved in blood. So they could be bread. There's a gaseous solution dissolved in the blood that they're

being oxygenated that does not necessarily mean it because it's turning into a soup. They have oxygen soup that is not air because soup is liquid. They're bread soup. Babies are mostly soup. It's a bread bowl. Oh no. Is a bread bowl a cannoli?

Oh no. Oh no, oh God. Oh no. Everyone listening to this point has lost all of their hair, all of their patience, and they're mouth agape drooling, wondering, why did I tune in to this?

Our ultimate conclusion here is babies are a bread bowl. Babies are soup in a bread bowl but they're mostly soup that's that's definitely where i thought this episode was gonna go yeah i think we can all conclude that that is what it is excellent well the only thing on my list that we didn't cover well added because bob mentioned uh get that bread as in bread is money which i hadn't thought of but uh the only thing we didn't cover was the i am bread video game we went over quite an extensive list of bread related topics i like

i am bread it's a good video game yeah i wish i was less angry i wish you were less angry during this you were scary today what do you mean you're so passionate about your cannoli ah there are simple rules in life and if you obey them you don't get hurt uh see that's that's that's threatening that feels threatening no it's called laws i don't know if. See, that's threatening. That feels threatening. No, it's called laws. I don't know if you have the authority to make laws. Okay, well, I'm not going to question it. Tabulating the points going along. At the end here right now,

I have Mark at eight points, Bob at nine points. However, I have some bonus points to award. This is some Mario Party shit right here. Mark, I really enjoyed bread-tential when you spouted bread-chel off and i'm gonna award you two points for bread tench what about roll a roly-poly is not a cannoli i thought that was really good when i when that came out i calculated some of them already but i left a couple for fun bonus things at the end oh okay but you know bob since you said it sure i'll give bob

i'll give him an extra point for that so you'll give bob Bob a point for my thing. I gave you the point, Mark. I just can't speak. Okay. I was like, that's just what I expected. My lack of English speak is not going to go against you today. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Bob, you're currently at nine. However, bread comes. God gave you some points for bread comes. I know it wasn't intentional, but that made it even better. I was going to award you two points, which gets you to 11. And that was going to be enough to beat Mark however now we're at a tie I don't know how we handle ties on here

except there's one more bonus point Mark I liked Pandora's bread box congratulations it's just enough you win your passion your vernacular creativity and your knowledge of bread bowls and cannolis are unmatched Bob nor I could compete or even be on your plane here today despite Bob having all the facts and evidence behind him

I have to award you the final point. Thank you. Thank you. I thought he had this up and you win Does that make us a cannoli? Does that make us a cannoli? Bob, loser speech? I dominated the debate. I think I was more correct than Mark was on more things. I really feel like I just shone through this whole episode. I did nothing but great stuff. And I think it's an absolute travesty that I'm not the winner.

But I'm not the host so I don't get to decide that so I'm just going to be quietly angry at you for the rest of my life. That's fair. Not every little breadcum sperm makes it to the bread bowl. Even though you might be the best one today you weren't the fastest one.

Or something. I don't know. Make it work in your brains. Mark, you have a winner's speech. Okay, as king of bread in every form that gives me Or something. I don't know. Make it work in your brains. Mark, you have a winner's speech. Okay. As king of bread in every form, that gives me authority to rule over all of you in all decisions bread. If you're eating a sandwich on the street and you dare utter the words, I'm eating bread and or cannoli,

and I'm going to quiz you on the definition of cannoli, randomly on the streets, we'll have roving gangs of bread police that are going to be just really just getting in those bread boxes of yours and if you don't have the right answers or the right things in there you're not gonna like the way this cookie crumbles okay is a cookie bread what about shortbread cookies are you to my left wade no that's me. It's below you.

I'm on. Don't go down there. Hey, Nemo. Who's got bread? Who's got to go? Thank you guys so much for tuning in. Believe it or not, there was no game afoot despite them never trusting me. That made it even

better. I hope you enjoyed learning anything and everything there was to know about bread. Thank you. If you haven't already, go follow us. You can follow Mark, Markiplier, Bob at MySkirm. I'm Wade, Minion777, or LordMinion777. We have merch for this podcast at store.distractablepodcast.com. Stay tuned for the next one where Mark will be hosting and who knows what will be afoot. Until then, podcast out. stay tuned for the next one where Mark will be hosting and who knows what will be afoot until then

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