Distractible - Breaking News (Part Two) [Bonus Episode]

Episode Date: February 4, 2024

What does Walmart, ramen, the amish, and CSI: Miami have in common? Find out in this important BREAKING NEWS episode "live" from the Distractible studio. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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oh french lavender soy blend candle i I told you HomeSense has good gift options. Hmm, well, I don't know. Mom's going to love it. She'll take one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to San Tropez a few years ago. Forget it. She complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14. $14? Now that's a vacation. I can get by. Deal.

So good. Everyone approves only at home sense. I wish I had more news music intros. Oh, I got you. Wow. Isn't that great? I i actually for a second there expected you to bust out something that you had prepared beforehand i really did i i thought it was gonna be something like unrelated or give

me another give me another give me another that's news yes that was nice, short, and sweet. I've got a really wide lens that I could put on my camera. Breaking news! Mark has a really wide lens he could put on his camera. Mark has some lenses and whatnot. No, no, hold on, hold on. I just want to see. I haven't put this one on yet. I just got it.

I want to see how wide it actually is. And three, two, one. Wide! Oh, that's pretty wide. I have other lenses too, Mark. This one, hang on, just wait. It's going to blow you away. All of us can play the lens game, can't we?

Yep, we sure can. Look at this one. Wow. Man, I thought that was something else for a second. What, a condom? I don't know what I thought it was. It's just like it's puckered like a butthole. So I just assumed the worst.

So you assumed it was some kind of pucker. Some kind of pucker hole. Yikes. This is a prime lens. Move back a little bit. This is a really fast wide lens. I'm actually kind of impressed by that. This is a good angle, Mark.

It's like your Icelandic candy video. This is the tight shot. This is a different lens. This is just a prime 35. That's what I have. How far is your camera from you? Uh, it's not very far. It's like maybe two feet.

I'm on a prime 35 too. I look like a monster. Well, is your camera really close? No, I'd say it's about two feet actually. My camera is arm's length away. Look, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just experimenting. Uh, let's see.

I don't need that. And that's it for breaking news we have regular news too no hold on hold on okay never mind we're not done why did it look like bob was just uh in a freaking what's uh i can't remember skype like just a really never mind it's a bad it just like it all blocked out for a second there and it looked really jank that really old skype at this point skype is pretty old yeah how is that not old that's i guess it is if someone was if someone you'd never worked with reached out to you and was like hey let's skype about it that wouldn't be off-putting to you i still use it you still use skype or what for what yeah what literally just mod chat sometimes discord i need to keep

an eye on like the chat and the discord i don't want to have to keep going cycling back so i just have my like mod chat for my stream up on skype and then my discord stuff on my other chat i literally just use it so i don't have to mess with discord while i'm streaming i guess that's valid because you can't exactly have multiple tabs if yes you can you can have web browser based discord and you could have multiple tabs open oh god i'm not dealing with web browser discord that sounds like work it's all the same actually but oh web browser discord i'd rather have a well instant messenger back all right that's fair whatever i i do have news we're good we're good on that that's enough of that oh okay yeah i call this news hour walmart and murder parentheses totally unrelated

so walmart according to abc7 on your side wkrc dun dun dun dun anyway i thought i was the musical one well you are you are bob aren't are you the musical one i i probably am more musical than both of you yes if we're talking official i was in concert choir in eighth grade i don't know about more musical i'm pretty musical all right fair enough anyway walmart slammed after gifting employees 55 cent ramen for working during blizzard wow that's basically all i want i just wanted to start it off with a depressing something you give your employees a free gift and then nothing but trouble the most generous thing you could think to give them i mean they didn't exactly deserve it they're just working man doing their job you know what

i did my job during a hailstorm the other day no ramen appeared at my desk that's fair that's true 55 cent ramen you know how many more cents that is than was required all of them you right man you guys are right legally required that is i'm glad that we haven't changed in the years of doing content i can't believe they're catching flack for that but uh so yeah this one basically i just wanted to like it was kind of a depressing thing so i wanted to start off depressing walmart could have closed you know maybe the workers should have given walmart some ramen to say thank you for letting us work today they ever think of that exactly yes i didn't and they don't need to, because this is all horrible. All right, the post by Walmart in Rockford was captioned, quote,

brr, it is cold outside. I don't like anyone that types and doesn't contract words. It literally says, it is cold outside. We appreciate our associates for braving through the cold to be here. Stay warm with some ramen noodle soup. What? And crackers. Wait. Ramen noodle soup? and crackers wait ramen noodle soup oh no ah ramen that they posted that on purpose on social media or something yeah they sure did i've got abc

ramen oh yeah man ramen noodle soup i don't think I've ever heard that combination of words ever because it's just something that shouldn't ever occur. My spaghetti-o-ramen. Man, ramen noodle soup. Ramen-aroni and cheese. And you know what people like with their ramen crackers. Yeah, obviously. No, hey, wait, wait.

Are you making fun of ramen mac and cheese? Because we've talked about that and you can shut up. Okay. Do you not remember that that's like one of my favorite things yeah they make like a you mix box mac and cheese with like ramen and they do make cheesy ramen but like i'm saying i'm saying you take a normal ramen and you make that sounds great i'm just throwing out a whole bunch of weird things that sound weird out loud i forgot about your mac and cheese i'm sorry don't you make fun of raw mac and cheese but

ramen noodle soups where we go too far. Mac and ramen noodle soup. And if you cut some hot dogs in it, you call it raw dog and cheese. Raw dog and men. Raw dog and men. I don't know where the men comes in. That gets rid of the mac and cheese completely. Like ramen, but you put dog in the middle.

You're raw dog and mac and cheese men. Raw dog men. That's what he said. But then he thought better of it. What if you wrap ramen around ribs and grill it? How's that sexualized? You put your dick in it when you're done cooking. I don't know.

Damn, I don't know how to do sexual. Hold on. So let's be clear. When it comes to shipping internationally, can I provide trade documents electronically? Mm-hmm. The answer is FedEx. Okay. But what about estimating duties and taxes on my shipments? How do I find all the...

Also FedEx. Impressive. Is there a regulatory specialist I can ask about? FedEx. Oh. But let's say that... FedEx. What a... FedEx. Thanks. No more questions.

Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx. Where? FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx, where now meets next. This episode is brought to you by Tresemme. Want silky smooth hair that's still full of natural movement? The Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection is your simple solution. This new collection features a wide range of products from nourishing shampoo and conditioner to lightweight heat protectants and a silky smooth serum for a sleek finish. Wave goodbye to frizz and say hello to three days of smooth hair with a Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection. Visit Tresemme.com to learn more.

All right. all right so to be perfectly fair i could see this as being like someone's trying to actually do a nice gesture because it is nice to have like food prepared for people and it's it's cold out you know you just have some ready uh but i don't know if you should say it on public social media where it could be completely uh torn apart when people look at it not from a personal view and more of a hey walmart on social media you could have said i prepared them a feast that cost us thirty thousand dollars and that social media been like they could have just given them the thirty thousand dollars and then they could make a post we gave them all thirty thousand oh thirty thousand you sure you can spare it social media is a scary place man thank you for that social media update for those of you didn't know

social media scary one time i posted a tweet and i know, social media, scary. One time I posted a tweet and I was like, hey, hope you're all well. And you know what the first response was? Bald. That is not the only time that has happened to you. And since then I have declared war on social media. Because I wasn't even bald back then! Uh, well, you

talked about it. You haven't talked about that for a long time, since way before you were. Yeah, but back then it hurt my feelings. Wait we're gonna talk wait if we're gonna talk about social media can i just throw this out there from the subreddit someone posted that in the chess episode they thought it was a fun episode but they thought that me being a little bit of a sore loser during the episode because i kept getting hosed by RNG, ruined the episode for them. And can I just say, the number of times Wade has been a sore loser versus the number of times I have been a sore loser.

Why do I get- It feels unjust. Why am I catching strays? What the fuck? Because literally you could be winning an episode and you're like, oh, I can't believe Bob got the points. And the subreddit will be like, we must defend Wade. We must have Wade's back.

I had one. I don't usually do that. I had one episode where I lost an unreasonable number of things. I should have at least won some of. And I was like, oh, and I got sour about it. And people were immediately like, man, Bob is such a bitch. Just complain, complain. They don't care when Wade come. about it and people were immediately like man bob is such a bitch just complain complain man they don't care when wade come i'm not saying i'm not even saying you shouldn't complain wade i'm

just saying they don't care when you do but i did that that's like the one episode i've been a sore loser in that i can even remember well one you weren't justified two it's my brand and you were encroaching on it and three i'm bald see this is the thing right now you're somehow turning this into something about you of course i am when i'm bringing up something oh whatever i you're chatty today you just i'll just watch you talk all right wait it's uh of the floor is yours to be fair i didn't think you were particularly whiny i thought it was fine i honestly didn't think i was that sort of a loser i just was kind of moaning about the fact that I literally lost like six things that were slightly in my favor in a row.

They weren't even 50 50s. I was like a 60 30 that I kept losing. That's terrible. Yeah, you had a pretty high chance of success. I will say there was another not the change of subject, but along the same lines, there was another complaint that I thought you were going to reference where someone was like, I really enjoyed this episode, but the white pieces started where the black pieces should have been and vice and then someone else showed like a number labels it's like i get where mark was coming from and

setting this up and he did an okay job but this chess board wasn't perfect and it was confusing to read the letter number designation so the we got the chess community mark and they're they're coming after us they don't like bob's whining they don't like your board i don't care if they don't like my board it It's chess three. They need to keep up with the times. It's a different board. There's no correct place for the white pieces to go in chess three. It's unrelated.

Wait till they see chess four where you mix up numbers and letters on each line. Dude, spoilers. Oh, chess four is actually just Call of Duty four. We just get in Call of Duty and shoot rockets at each other. other yeah a few more b-52s would really pay off can we add some battlefield can i drive my amphibious vehicle up the side of a building and park it on top of the king i don't know can you that would be the best yes i would be here for the bell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious and maybe you can. Uh, S-U-P-E-R, fuck you. Too late, criminal. Anyway, next news.

Criminal? Too late, criminal. Too late, criminal. You drive too fast? Jail. Too slow? Jail. Straight to jail.

Can we normalize that as an insult this year just so someone makes you mad? Criminal? I say that all the time. Have I not said that to you guys? Not that I remember i i always to amy i think it's just like too late criminal i don't think so it's it's referencing like um oblivion you know elder scrolls for oblivion when when the guard comes up and go like stop right there criminal criminal scum your goods are now forfeit you know shit like that so i went down a rabbit hole of watching

oblivion clips where it was showing like you talking to an npc and then like the ground lifts up and smashes them and they keep talking and they come down they're just no longer there oh it's such a oblivion clips are hilarious i don't know why i went down a rabbit hole of that recently actually but speaking of rabbit hole abc news reports by john ha. Amish horse and buggy stolen from Walmart parking lot while family shopped. Ah, dang it. Now, I know this is a horrible crime that is affecting this family. Seriously. I just want to...

If you visualize someone stealing a horse and buggy, climbing atop it and going, I don't know if the ya yeah, it was in my version, but yes. Oh, sorry. Quieter. Cause he's a criminal. Where my mind went was, um, who steals that?

Because is it another Amish person or family who are like, ah, we need, we need this horse and buggy. And, or is it like some non-amish person who is just like ah we'll steal their horse ah they don't know they can't even lock it and they because like i feel like an amish person wouldn't steal like they wouldn't steal from each other but people are people so there probably are people in the amish community who might steal in that way maybe it got repossessed by the devil the horse saw a cell phone and became a demon once more i can't imagine i mean it's it could be kids or something but like what normal

person would see that and be like ha i'll take their horse and buggy that'll teach them i'll give you the details that i have okay we're gonna solve this. The theft took place on Saturday at approximately 5.30 p.m. in the town of Sturgis, Michigan, which is, for reference, 95 miles south of Grand Rapids near the Indiana border. According to authorities,

there was a witness who saw this happen and sat idly by, I guess, because there's a quote from the police department. A truck driver parked in the Walmart lot had seen a female steal the buggy. He gave the police a description of the female suspect. So this truck driver ate a

sandwich in his cab of his truck. He's been watching for a long time. Um, um, hey. It's not a quick theft. Oh, wait a minute. Uh, and so it turns out the police had already made contact with the 31-year-old female suspect earlier in the day at the same Walmart. The officials did not elaborate on why they had spoken to her or what the reason behind

the contact was. I'm sure it was fine. The police talk to me all the time and it's great and never a problem. Do you think the police hypnotized her into stealing the buggy? Oh my God, it was an inside job. She was like halfway in the buggy and a cop was like, hey! Is that yours? She was like, no.

Dang it. Did they catch her in the middle of hot wiring it or was like she already had it started? She had it started. She was elbow deep in the back of the horse before she realized she could just take the reins and leave. Yeah yeah you don't know how complicated hot wiring a horse is it's real tricky gotta go in one arm with both ends me in

the middle can you train a horse to like be its own security like if the wrong if you are not the one who gets up and you're like giddy up let's go and the horse just looks and is like nay oh my god my horse alarm i get it i wasn't sure the horse does go but it takes you directly to the police station the person is like go that way and the horse is like oh we're going oh we're going the police eventually found the stolen horse and buggy later the same evening and were able to find upside down in a ditch on fire is that a motel wrapped around a telephone pole doing 120 down a back road you see the horse dangling in his harness from the trees how are they sure it's the same one did they check the license plate oh maybe not they are actually i think they are registered potentially i don't know but i think that i think to go to be on the road i think they are registered potentially i don't know but i think that i

think to go to be on the road i think they must they maybe need that i don't know they got the triangle i know the triangle of fairness triangle well that's true a triangle of slowness to be honest they know fair is fair yeah they do uh that's it horse returned family along with their buggy animal was unharmed i know we laugh and jest but just the thought it has nothing to do with the amish part of things it's just the horse and buggy theft sounds so strange in 2024 well so they know who this person was this woman female according to the article who took it did they like check up on that or were they just like well she she left it they lit her off with a warning it turns out she was just horsing around.

Anyway, they, yeah, they arrested her at the motel. The mayor was very upset, but the stallion let it go. The charges are larceny and larceny of livestock. Oh no, I can't be out of ink. Not now. Mega tank. Why do I do this to myself? Ah, what's that printer that comes with 30 times the ink? Mega tank.

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long, long time. Visit canon.ca slash megatank for details. Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built-in, so you can change the music. Oh, yeah. Alexa, change station to 99.2. See?

Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Do you think a judge would be angry if the prosecutor just put Horseny just because? Grand Horseny. angry if the prosecutor just put horsiny just because we're grand horsiny because like you'd still get it it's that it's right there like how how could you avoid do it how could you not i think most judges are vibrating on the stand just like all the puns that are there and they just like i want a judge who has a courtroom rigged where there's like a button under their their desk they

can push where the the who song from CSI Miami plays and they as right as they're about to do a pun they put on the aviators and then they're just like click yeah and they're just like dude rip the glasses off and do the whole thing and the defendant is like what the judge is like it's a fair trial. Calm down. Can't we have fun? I wish they had an in contempt button

that they pressed and opened a trap door under whoever was held in contempt. They just fell straight to the prison cell. Much like Game of Thrones with a giant hole in the floor.

I don't know that. I'm not seeing that. I was going to say, if you'd seen it, you would know. You haven't seen it. I've heard a lot of things about it. I've not heard about a hole.

The judge is just like, counselor, you're in contempt. Could you move three feet to your right your right my left your right a little bit further a little bit too far okay right there get them out you got any more Keep going. We gotta stop singing that. We're gonna get copyright claimed. Look out. The Who is gonna be real upset about how accurate that recreates their one song thing. You know, I've never actually seen the full intro of the show. All I've ever seen is like, just like the very beginning and memes back.

Just the beam. Yeah. Anyway, thus ends the Walmartmart segment of this uh uh news bulletin or does it no core because according to newsweek man escapes from burning building dies in another fire days later with walmart i'm not saying walmart is part of this but you're just saying not say they're but just listen. A man who escaped one fire has died after being unable to flee a separate blaze only two days later, according to Russian state media.

The unidentified man, who lived in the city of Saratov in southwestern Russia, managed to escape a fire in his fourth floor apartment on January 23rd, but died in another fire on January 25th. Where was the other fire? Where he was damn unfortunate you wake up in your apartment and everything's on fire and you're just like full panic you grab the dog or your kids or whatever like you get and you make it out and you run outside and you're like i'll run to the next building for safety and then it's equally on

fire and you're just like oh no i couldn't again this feels like someone was paid to arson this man and they finally succeeded i'm conspiracy where's my tinfoil hat i feel like this aliens maybe yeah i don't know why you'd say that because this is what the news said about it in russian news it was like as a result of the emergency a man born in 1973 died that's how they said it i'm like all right someone was paid to kill specifically any man born in 1973 by fire. They found one. Russian news is not here to do the math for you. If you want to know how old he is, he was born in 1973.

Okay, so do some subtraction. We're not going to hold your hand about this. Use your brain. 50 or 51. Does that make him old? Young? We don't know. Authorities have not confirmed

if he died in the same location where the first fire took place or somewhere else that's just lazy authoritating no figure it out what kind of what kind of authority is this who's like i don't even know where he died we just found we know he's dead look vladimir was he was working saturday's shift and uh i was working today's. I didn't read his report. All we know is there's a building and burned down. The guy's dead. We don't know if it's the same building or not. We'd have to look and see.

And that's just not our job. We don't know if the fire's out. We don't know where the building is. We don't know how old he is. Never learned how to subtract. What if they just from a city where there's a shit ton of building fires? Is that what's happening here? It's like half the buildings in this whole place on fire.

There's been a doubling of fires in Russia since in 2023. It's more than doubled since the previous year. There were 939 such fires in Russia in 2023 compared to 416 in 2022, which is 125.7% increase. All I've heard putting gasoline on your roof shingles helps prevent the snow from sticking. Really bad if you smoke when you're cleaning your gutters, though. That's absolutely true. Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!