Distractible - Broken News

Episode Date: September 19, 2022

In the spirit of the Distractible LIVE episodes on the Distractible YouTube channel, Mark takes Bob and Wade through a variety of headlines and news articles... riffing ensues. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production. This week, Mark judges and proclaims his elation at being sponsored by Intel. How wonderful is that? Pamela Horton has her integrity questioned by that black-eyed Bob. Ancient microorganisms hibernate in salt crystals. Wade has to be schooled on the preclarities of medieval women. And nostalgia can be cured with public ridicule, leeches, and warm hypnotic emulsions. Whatever that is.

Yes, it's time for Broken News. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Welcome to Distractible One and All and all come on down take a seat grab some popcorn you're in for a treat We have it all here. We have everything we have shows we have sites. We have a fireworks. We have fire these nuts Really do right that was an amazing opening use These nuts are amazing. I mean that joke is always funny but thank you it's just disappointed it is always i can tell by how much laughter there was when i said it no it's it's funny but i'm holding the laughs in they're bottled up behind my disappointment

i wish they wouldn't be because man oh man nothing makes me feel funnier than when you guys go dead silent something i think is hilarious mark's intro was so delightful. You could have done the Deez Nuts joke like 30 seconds later. That would have been as irrelevant as my career. Thank you. That's my real laugh. Well, we do have an incredible show for you this week. Thank

you so much for being our loyal, loyal listeners. Not like those traders that we don't talk about. Not like those. We don't talk about them. We don't talk about them. You would follow us anywhere, right?

Any platform like my space, right? Yes. Uh-huh. Because we have no announcement for you. Yes, we don't. Definitely not.

On this week's episode i am the judge if you are a new listener that has just somehow discovered us i don't really know what methods of discoverability you have sought this out but welcome my name is mark also known as mark apply i'm joined by bob and wade as co-hosts well not co-hosts well uh co-participants sure in this week's co-casters we're casting right now co-casters this one Sure. In this week's. I don't know. We're co-casters. We're casting right now. Co-casters. This one will be a bit more of a collaborative experience, I think, than the previous ones have been. There's been a bit of a, like,

overly competitive atmosphere in here, and I think we've really detracted from the core meaning of what Distractible is all about and getting to know each other and talking about the things that we love and care about. And winning. Winning is also a part of it. Someone will still be a winner, and I have to make that decision, but I'm going to make it very arbitrarily. And I really don't want you to focus on the points. Even if you hear a lot of points

and a lot of like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ka-ching, ka-ching, like don't worry about it. It's all good. Doesn't relate to you and your performance in any way. So before we get started, like we do have an announcement, no matter what Wade said, it's not true. We do have an announcement. We have made it. We made it. We have a big boy sponsorship and we're real sponsors now. No, we're really sponsored.

We're real boys now. We're real boys now. Yeah, you heard it right. Intel. Intel decided to sponsor us. I don't know why, but they did. They didn't listen before they agreed to do this. They have no idea what we do.

Yeah, there's a lot of technology podcasts out there, I'm sure, but they picked us. Yep. And we're not going to question it. We're just going to take advantage of the situation with this, our new segment. What's the segment called? How Wonderful Is That, then? How Wonderful Is That. How Wonderful Is That? wonderful is that then how wonderful is that how wonderful is that oh i'll tell you how wonderful

that is with an article from 1978 oh i love that advanced technology i'm sure oh it is because in 1978 in sydney australia on april 1st a man don't make fun of my speech impediment i can't help it april 1st i can't help it that is mean you're mean don't be mean geez that's my birthday my birthday falls between the first and the fourth otherwise it was the first all right you know whatever anyway so on april 1st birthday me dick smith an electronics millionaire. Sure. Right? Okay. This is 1978, remember? So this is way back in the day. There weren't too many electronics.

I'm not laughing now that he's a millionaire. Yeah, an electronics millionaire, Dick Smith, pulled an April Fool's prank on Sydney today by sailing into the harbor towing what appeared to be an iceberg. With a radio reporter broadcasting from the iceberg, Mr. Smith fooled harborside residents, radio listeners, and many newsmen. The iceberg was a barge covered with white plastic sheets, shaving cream, and firefighting foam. In the gloom and drizzle of early dawn, it looked like the real thing. The whole prank only cost me $1,450, Mr. Smith said. I just do these things for kicks. It takes

the boredom out of everyday work. Wow. I hope nobody needed that firefighting cream. I'm sure there was plenty extra. I didn't know firefighters used cream. I thought they used water. They foam. Firefighting foam. I didn't know they used foam. I thought they used water. You know what comes out

of some fire extinguishers? Although I will say modernly it's more powder than foam. But still, foam is a type of fire extinguisher. I forgot fire extinguishers exist. I was only thinking of fire hydrants. Hmm.

Interesting. There's a type of fire extinguisher. I forgot fire extinguishers exist. I was only thinking of fire hydrants. Hmm. Interesting. There's a system of the elaborate pipes run through every neighborhood to all the fire hydrants. To distribute the foam. Kids on the streets of New York City, crank those bad boys open and have... I don't have all the same intel that Mark and you have. Anyway, the reason I bring this up, the reason I bring this up is because it's fascinating now that not only is Dick Smith an electronic millionaire from 1978, but the fact that I can get this information from a scanned copy of the New York Times from 1978 right here on my computer today. That is a good perspective.

Thank you. It's amazing what's available. Thank you. Our generation, and especially younger generations, are used to having everything at your fingertips. Even stuff that was only analog media. Even newspapers from the time before the internet existed. It's hard to appreciate that.

What was the thing called that we used to have to use to look at old articles? Like something fish or something, where we had to go back and scan old newspapers fish they tasted delicious while you researched that was yeah that's it's right anyway moving on all right okay no moving on we're gonna move on okay no we're moving on great all right so we're we're getting into the real meat of the episode now this is the competition has officially started nothing has occurred yet the way this is gonna go i have through our lead researcher, our distinguished award-winning researcher, Pamela Horton has done

her due diligence and dug up so many fascinating stories on the internet. And you guys are going to now listen to them. And basically we're just going to talk about them. And whoever makes me laugh will might get a point, might not get a point. I'll award them throughout the episode. We're not really going to focus on it because we have been in too much of each other's business these past few weeks and we're just going to tone it all back down all right were you guys in my business i was so in your business what was that call micro fish i thought you were doing a bit no they're called micro fish i'm really stupid okay i'm a brilliant idiot but i'm really stupid they're little fishes wade micro fish that is really good i believe it's f-i-s-c-h-e fish micro fish i don't know what that means i thought

it was actually called micro fish no that was a joke that's just a joke yeah that's a joke it's not called fish which is the by the joke no if Google it, the first thing that comes up is micro fish spelled like the animal fish. Oh, that's just tiny fishes. F-I-C-H-E. Micro fish. All one word. F-I-C-H-E. Lowercase F-E with a line over it.

Big S, big H. How do you pronounce that? It's pronounced fish. I have no idea. Micro fish. Emphasis is the shh. Microfiche. Okay.

All right, good. We learned something today, did we? This is why I wanted to move on. This is why I wanted to move on. Oh, fine. It's your episode. Do what you want to do. I mean, I will.

Good. Then do it then. Great. All right. So the first article is 90 Day Fiance star sells farts in a jar, ends up in hospital. I love this story. You know the story? I know the story.

And I love this story. Have we talked about this? I don't. Did we talk about this? We did not talk about this story. Sounds familiar, but OK. Yeah. If you guys would like to get more of this and you like this episode, go check out our

live streams on the Distractable YouTube channel. There goes our plug. Did it. Nailed it. Fucking nailed it. Are you sure we didn't talk about this? We're getting older. We might have. We are getting older.

Is that the theme of today's episode? It's not the theme. We didn't talk about this. I know because I deleted every time. Are you questioning Pamela Horton, our lead distinguished award-winning researcher's integrity? I'm really questioning yours, if anyone. Somebody.

Why mine? You're the one. We did not do this. All right. Well, I'm sure everyone will tell us on the subreddit. Maybe this is the list Pam had of things we did do. We didn't do it. All right.

I know this story and it's very funny. Yeah. Let's talk about the fart in the jar. All right. This is from All That's Interesting, written by Adam Farley. Stephanie Motto sold her jarred flatulence for $1,000 a jar. Oh, my God. $1,000 a jar and made over $200,000 in her two-month venture while subsisting.

That's a lot of farts. Yes. While subsisting on a diet of yogurt, eggs, and beans. Oh. And ended up in the hospital when she thought she was having a heart attack. I'm having deja vu. What? Don't have deja vu.

When did this happen to you? We talked about this. Oh, you're not letting that go. Listen, we're letting Mark dies on this sword, okay? We didn't talk about this ever before. Okay, yeah, we have never talked about this. 200,000. So that's a thousand.

So what? That 200 farts in two months. That seems reasonable. How much are my farts worth? I don't know. You got to put them on the open market. I have a lot of farts. So even if it's less per jar, I could, I get a lot of volume.

That's three to four bottled farts a day. Assuming she takes no days off from farting. How do you collect that? Jar. Feel the fart. You coming? You grab the jar. No jar no but like you don't want to waste it right you is i'm imagining like a like a gas mask with like the the contour of the butt cheeks cut out so that it goes it's an airtight seal yeah and then the hose from the gas mask is capped and then like you you know farts are hard to capture they go everywhere man yeah i think i farted on the other side of the room he rises right so you need to

hold the jar upside down and have a tube go to it like this and then you unseal and seal it and that fart won't come out because it's rising because it's from inside of you and are these only trustworthy farts like what if she like had a little come out does she throw those jars away oh that costs more dude okay kidding me you're getting extra you did this this is a terrible conversation i we definitely we definitely didn't talk about this article because we would have gone down this horrible path already and we would remember that unless we purged it from our marriage we're worse now than we used to be i don't know i remember talking about a little coming out before but maybe it was a different topic it's a common theme yeah so for two months straight she spent her days farting into glass jars with flower

petals adorning the inside and shipping them to fans remarkably motto was able to make fifty thousand dollars per week in december that doesn't math out that's more than the amount she made in total article maybe she made negative amounts the other month oh oh in december it was christmas oh sure okay there was a big rush through fart sales alone and eventually sold more than two hundred thousand dollars worth of farts worldwide through the adult website i can't even pronounce it what whatever whatever doesn't matter. I don't know. El farted. It's just called U-L-F-I-L-T-R-D. I don't know. D.

El farted. Anyway, but in January 2021, disaster struck. Mata was hospitalized for what she thought was a heart attack, but turned out to be a dangerous buildup of gas inside her body from her flatulence-inducing diet. And now she says her fart-selling days are behind her. Oh, okay. It's a pun. Her farts are behind her.

I don't know if that qualifies as a pun, but it's not clearly not one, I guess. It's a true statement. If they're in front of her, there's a problem. Apparently, at one point, she sold 97 jars

over two days oh my god so there must have been an initial serve because if this was a thousand dollars a jar i don't even think bath water was that expensive she's a true content creator that we don't really make content the way she makes it she really makes it i mean yeah you know yeah i don't know how much content you're gonna get out out of a fart jar. You could have an OnlyFans fart bottling stream. I just like to imagine that she was doing this and was faking it, had found a mixture of methane and other scents, and was making fake fart smell, and sold all these,

and some guy was like, that's not a real fart. That's not how farts are. Resident fart connoisseur Ricky Fartson reached out to us and said, It's not a real fart. That's not how farts are. Resident fart connoisseur Ricky Fartson reached out to us and said, in fact, these are fake farts. And that got back. He messaged her and was like, I know what you're doing.

You're misleading everyone. This is not going to go away quietly, okay? And she was like, I have to do something dramatic to take the heat off. I'm going to Send me three bottles of real fart or else I'm going to leak this. No, I'm just saying this is how she ended up in the hospital. She paid off some doctors and was like, oh, a heart attack. They're all in on it. Yeah. Oh, I see.

The whole thing is a scam, but the hospital visit was to buy sympathy and take the heat off. Everyone would go to the hospital with something serious going on and make videos of content while in the hospital. That seems like a terrible thing to do Someone else is getting points in this particular round. I just like just I forgot I haven't been writing points So just to finish this out quote as luck would have it once i put the jars up for sale they began to sell like hot cakes i honestly could not believe the demand i think a lot of

people have this fetish in secret i began this venture by eating mostly protein shakes protein muffins and also hard-boiled eggs but when most of the world was celebrating the new year stephanie motto had to check herself into the hospital when her lifestyle became unsustainable less of that right that doesn't seem unsustainable he's got the balance off no no no no ridiculous can you believe how unhealthy you'd be after protein muffins shakes and hard-boiled eggs which is definitely not pretty similar to what i eat on a daily basis gas build up it sounds like she just had a lot more content left to produce the content as every day bro man she could have used that to make a special hospital series of jars she was full of content it's really the secondary market because if there's less

supply after this event than as the resale value of these i imagine it's like wine you know it really matures over time how do you how do you sip a fart jar without just loosing the entire fart out of the how do you savor a fart jar you get like uh you you know one of those oxygen like things you put up your nose and you get like a tank and you just like gotta squeeze and then you breathe it back in oh yeah you you it dilutes it a little but you bring you hold it in your lungs and then you exhale it back into the jar and seal it back up. Oh, my God.

Okay. It's terrible. I like to imagine it's like wine. There's a whole... It's like a decanter. There's a whole apparatus. You unseal the jar into a bag. The bag goes on a holder. You have to waft it a little bit.

Let it breathe. It's like a hookah. There's a number of things around so you can all share. Yeah. It's wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful. Have a big party

like i've got a i've had a 2020 oh i forget her name but jennifer what's her name fart and the guy's like oh i brought my 2018 jennifer we should compare them side by side that would be fascinating i've got the 1948 marilyn monroe wow so rare i hear there's a big counterfeit market for those these days you really got to watch out i paid millions i paid millions all right anyway so that wraps up that story because i don't want to talk about it there's actually more to the article but i'm kind of over it oh come on no no we're gonna sell farts or burps or something you could do it at any time no we you are in control of your destiny we gotta sell a set where there's three jars that are one each of us separately and then one mix one mix

a blend we had three peens in a pod what if we have three farts in a jar we have a mixture okay yeah three men one jar could be a viral video oh my yeah it could work it could work it would work but we'll discuss that in the next distractible meeting that we have you know our daily meeting okay sure sure all right so the next article there were some points of word for that just so you guys okay cool hopefully a lot for me for insulting you thoroughly uh-huh next article is from news.com.au elephant tramples woman to death then attacks her corpse at funeral oh i've heard of that one too yeah apparently like the there's there's theories about whether it was true or not

there's also theories about whether she was like nice to the elephant or mean to the elephant or had nothing to do with the elephant but like the original story that came out was what she was like a dick to the elephant so the elephant killed her then was like it hated her so much it went to her funeral and killed her again well i was about to read the article but i guess you got it i have points for that nope okay oh i was kind of imagining that she was dating the elephant and she just dumped him in a really inconsiderate way. The elephant was like, well, elephants can't go to jail. I'm going to get my revenge.

Yeah. Well, apparently so. According to Ben Kesslin of the New York Post, a 70-year-old woman in India was trampled to death by an elephant and her corpse was then bizarrely attacked by the same beast at her funeral, according to a report. Police said Maya Murmu had been fetching water from a well in the eastern Indian state of Odisha on Thursday when an elephant came barreling order, according to the print India. The tusked pachyderm had apparently escaped from the Dalma Wildlife Sanctuary, which is located in a neighboring state.

The elephant trampled the woman, who ultimately died of her injuries at a nearby hospital police told the outlet saturday mermoo's family was then performing her last rites before lighting a funeral pyre when the elephant allegedly returned and grabbed her body it was in the audience it took off a mustache like it's me I was waiting for you to ask who objects, but I guess that's weddings, not funerals. Ha! Are there any objections to her being buried? Why, yes! Me!

There are! I paid him to ask if there were objections, even though it doesn't make any sense i just wanted it to be dramatic yes so the animal grabbed her body and threw the corpse up into the air and then ran away the local outlet reported laughing as he ran away this was mighty illegal i must flee apparently the family was able to continue the ceremony and the elephant did not return. That's good. Maybe they knew.

Maybe that happened and all of her family was like, well, that's fair. That's fair. Just put her back in the casket or whatever. Put her back and let's get it. She knows what she did. This will be a story you read to your kids one day. It's a Horton. Here's a who it'll be. Cort. This will be a story you read to your kids one day. It's like a Horton hears a hood. It'll be Horton kills a Karen.

And we're like, oh, yes. Well, one day the elephant came back, ripped off its mustache and stomped Karen to death again. It's a good story for why to be kind to wildlife. Yeah, exactly. Cautionary tale. Yeah. Who knows if this is true, but it's not like you set up a funeral instantaneously. It takes some time. And it's not like elephants set up a funeral instantaneously it takes some time and

it's not like elephants are very stealthy unless they have mustaches and then who who knows what's going on they announce in the newspaper sometimes it'll be like you know the the death sections maybe the elephant was reading the obituaries that bitch they're burying her i stopped her to oblivion i'm gonna stop her again she doesn't deserve to be on the 16th page of this paper anyway this is overly polite but also like uk level super villain with a big twirly mustache tying people to railroad tracks elephant here sure yeah where's the elephant now what happened to it ran away how hard is it to find an elephant are there just a lot of elephants is it blending in or is it it ran away man i don't know i can't believe local authorities didn't start a statewide ele hunt

huh yeah all right that's the boy that's the boy that's the boy all right okay all right anyway that closes that article out. Thank you so much for participating in that one. I won't read your next one ahead of time. I'll let you read it. It's where we've done all this before. I am living in a world of deja vu today. We all did this, didn't we?

Both these stories. No, we didn't. You're asking me, the man who can't remember a damn thing? I don't know. Reddit, subreddit, help me. You may have read it. Am I a bad man? You may have read it before.

I don't know. But it doesn't mean that, like, we've talked about it before. Okay. Okay. I guess that's that. I guess that is that. Okay. So this one actually is a little concerning.

Oh, I've heard this one before. Sorry. Go ahead. I won't spoil it. Sorry. So this one is like a little concerning. And I kind of want to like have a discussion about it. So this is published on NPR, right?

So NPR's website by Sarah Handel and Michael Leavitt. This 830 million year old crystal might contain life. And we're about to open it. From lemons to ham, salt is a handy food preservative. But researchers studying some really old salt crystals found them preserving something else, evidence of life. Quote, these are little cubes of the original liquid from which that salt grew. And the surprise for us is that we also saw shapes that are consistent

with what we know and expect as microorganisms, said Kathy Benisonison a geologist at West Virginia University quote and they could be still surviving within that 830 million year old preserved micro habitat the salt crystals aka halite that benison and her team study were originally found in Central Australia venison was part of the team that published these findings in the journal geology uh there's a video that shows, like, the salt crystals in question. Although the idea that these microorganisms could still be alive is mind-boggling, Benison said science backed it up.

Quote, We know by studying life in modern extreme environments that there are organisms that are able to undergo, like, a survival mode. Almost like a hibernation. They're still alive, but they slow down all of their biological activities. Benison Speck said, If there are, in fact, microorganisms in the crystal, they could be alive but they slow down all of their biological activities venus suspect said if there are in fact microorganisms in the crystal they could be alive in a dormant state the halite would need to be opened in order to confirm that this is in fact organic matter and that it is still alive while cracking it might seem like a bold choice we're currently battling

a global pandemic caused by microscopic viruses after all venison plans to do just that but she said that there was no need to worry. Is there a need to worry? They spent so long wondering if they could, they didn't stop to think about whether or not they should. Don't they know life finds a way? Thanks, Jeff. Saltpox coming to an us near us.

What? Saltpox. Saltpox? Saltpox. Salt 19. salt 19 that is the premise of like a pandemic horror movie absolutely yeah 100 but the question is like if there is life like what would it be like it's obviously like there were single-cell organisms back then but this is 830 million years stuck. Its blood pressure will be really high from all that salt. That's true. I laugh, buddy.

Don't laugh. What period was it 130 million years ago? 830 million years ago. Was that one of the Jurassic Miastic periods? I don't know. You could Google it it i have no idea um i'll look wade 30 okay thanks thanks bob the proterozoic oh you got that proterozoic proterozoic most of the

continental mass at that time was united as the supercontinent rodinia who then fought godzilla later on i think okay what article you reading i? I found a Wikipedia that confirms what he's saying. Earth.com. All right. Okay. Well, it's interesting. The article continues, it really does sound like a bad B movie,

but there's a lot of detailed work here, work that's been going on for years trying to figure out how to do that in the safest way possible. Bonnie Baxter, a biologist in Salt Lake City, was not involved in the study, but still offered some comforting words. An environmental organism that has never seen a human is not going to have the mechanism to get inside of us and cause disease.

So I personally, from a science perspective, have no fear of that. When have we heard that before? When have we heard that before? Am I right? Yeah. Yeah. Also, what is a Maya? Is aa millions of

years ago mya what yeah this is a thousand to 830 mya maya but it's like capital m million years ago that's what i figure it like this doesn't explain it okay i just want to make sure this is correct oh okay 830 maya there you go. Proterozoic. I answered my question. Thank you, me. Good work, me. Continue. I really like that biologist's name. I just imagined her walking into the lab like, Biologist Body Baxter. Bet you about a dollar I could break that bad boy open.

Wow. The Looney Tunes character. Why are you a fast-talking snake oil salesman? She pulls out a giant mallet and just hits the crystal. Well, you guys have spent so long looking giant mallet and just hits the crystal. Well, you guys have spent so long looking at it, you just need this hammer! Oh, would you look at that? The beauty's busted wide open.

Barely broke a sweat. Bonnie Baxter, you're the best. That's me, Bonnie Baxter. I'd better be getting along now. I'll be back, though. I love Bonnie Baxter. Bonnie Baxter is the best bonnie baxter will return i don't know if i can do that that's a copyrighted theme probably i think it was bad enough they

couldn't tell all right okay there you go anyway that sounds like a thing that could end humanity well i mean for me it's like they're probably right about that 830 million years there's that's a lot of catching up they have to do in the evolutionary food chain we're immune to that we're immune yeah i'm worried more about those microorganisms i think they're going to be fucked as soon as that thing cracks open they wake up they're like what happened i mean yeah exactly they're from a world without starbucks or youtube crack it open you give them a frappuccino they're from a hard time they had to live in just unbelievable conditions you know give them a cigarette and a frappuccino to make sure they start off right. That made me think of this TikTok that I saved a while back. I hope I could pull it up like relatively quickly.

But there was a trend going around that was like giving, like this would kill a Victorian child, like if you gave them like a popsicle or something like that. But there was one here. Oh, God, give me two seconds. I know it's here somewhere. Oh, fuck. There it is. that but there was one here oh god give me two seconds i know it's here somewhere oh fuck there it is okay so pov you went back in time and gave a medieval woman a vibrator right so it's like you give this thing a frappuccino it's just like

it's like fucking amazing are we implying that a vibrator would kill a medieval woman? They didn't get to have orgasms, Wyd. Oh. I thought that was a myth. God. I mean, no. I caused them all the time. I caused them.

Those are a side effect of being around me. It's like that discussion we had about Mark at the camp. The kid was like, eight inches around. Some middle schooler's like, you don't even know what an orgasm is. I bet you think that's a myth. Like, no, I cause them. I cause them all the time. I caused one to your mom yesterday.

You know, have you ever seen, like, there's a comic of Wolverine, and, you know, it's a comic about this mutant whose powers are out of control, and he has to, you know, he has to kill him. It's just like, there's this guy in a corner, and his power is that he causes orgasms throughout the world. Wolverine has to walk up. He's the only one that can endure it. It's like.

In the end of X-Men 3, you know, and he says to Wolverine, No, Phoenix, no. I'll finish you up. It's like a weird porn premise. Everyone's lying around like, no. I'll finish you up. It's like a weird porn premise. Everyone's lying around like, ah! A bunch of cheaply costumed X-Men walk up to a stranger in a trench coat, and he just, like, waves his hand,

and they're all like, ah! What's happening? Wolverine's got his claws out. He's clawing his way up. He literally has to dig him in the ground. He's like, here. Bob. Ah, Bob. happening wolverine's got his claws out he's clawing his way up literally taking it to the ground he's like here impossible no one can resist my orgasm beam anyway so that's what'll happen if we crack open that uh saw crystal so we shouldn't do it we're all gonna have insane orgasms oh man yeah, yeah, absolutely. 100%. Wolverine,

please don't kill us. That's weird. Wouldn't have called that one. Biologist's body Baxter knew it would happen. You can bet on me, baby. Alright, so the next article is something else about in the past how things were weird. Okay.

According to the Atlantic article by Julie Beck when nostalgia used to be considered a disease oh Yes, yes, I remember the good old days oh god he's causing us to remember i mean pretty much like so the article goes people who like to bring up old nickelodeon cartoons at parties you know who you are should be grateful it's not a few hundred years ago we'd have license to leech them bully them and maybe even bury them alive leech them leech them, bully them, and maybe even bury them alive. Leech them? Leech them. Your, Wade, your impression was not too far off. These were some of the treatments proposed for nostalgia

during the 17th to 19th century, when it was considered a psychopathological disorder, rather than a blanket term for fondness for anything that existed more than 30 minutes ago. Swift, Swift, Swiss Swiss physician Johannes Hofer. Swiss physician? Oh, come on. We gotta let it go sometimes.

It's not his fault, man. It's not my fault, man. Swiss physician. It's not his fault. Swiss physician Johannes Hofer coined the term in his 1688- God, that just took me back to your Forbidjuden thing. What the hell was that?

Rokining Forbidjuden. Oh my god, nostalgia. You're all good now. What is that? Put me down! Put me down! I remember! I remember!

I'm sorry, everyone. I must go. Leech me. Leech me! Oh man. So Johannes Hofer coined the term in his 1688 medical dissertation from the Greek nostos, or homecoming, and algos, for pain. The disease was similar to paranoia, except the sufferer was manic with longing. Not perceived persecution.

Someone gets dumped. They're like, oh, I miss my wife. Thanks for so much. You miss her? That was the past. You feel nostalgia? Why are you missing her? She's dead, idiot. She's gone. Stoned him to death.

Oh my god. Anyway, manic with longing, not perceived persecution, and similar to melancholy, except specific to an object or place. Though Hoffer is credited with naming nostalgia, it existed prior to that. During the Thirty Years' War, at least six soldiers were discharged

from the Spanish Army of Flanders with el mal de Corazon. The disease came to be associated with soldiers, particularly Swiss soldiers, who were reportedly so susceptible to nostalgia that when they heard a particular Swiss milking song, Kuh-de-en, I don't know what the hell that is. Sure, sure. Will, please play K-H-U-E-R-E-Y-E-N or a little snippet of it so people can understand. Ah, Bailey, hear that song?

Remember when we weren't at war and we were at home? Good times, good times. Get them out of my platoon! You hear them reminiscing on the good old days before we were fighting in this war? Get them out of here! They have an American drill sergeant in the Swiss Army. The Spanish Army of Flint.

Lay, get them out of here! Lay, get them... There you go. Is that better? You know you're Swiss, man. I gotta give you some bonus points for that. There might be some holes in my argument. Like, there isn't my cheese.

My le cheese. It's a Swiss thing. I'm sorry, all of Swiss land. Oh, no, it gets worse. Oh, I didn't read this part. Also disposed to nostalgia were children sent to the countryside to nurse. Oh, how dare they? I don't know what that means.

I remember mother's breast. Mother's breast! Put him down! God. Young men between 20 and 30 and women who left home to be domestic servants. How dare they long for the good old days? Stake them through the heart while they sleep.

Otherwise, they might come back and give us nostalgia good god autumn was a particularly dangerous season the falling leaves perhaps reminding marching soldiers of their impermanence and making them wondering why they were spending their limited time on this earth bloodying their swords in distant lands instead of enjoying the comforts of home and hearth hey jim you have let her go. You can't keep her locked in the basement. We have to put her down. No, I just can't. I know she's remembering the good old days, but I just can't let her go.

Maybe she'll come back. Maybe she'll like the present time. No, Le Jim, you've got to. You've got to let her out. We've got to put her down. Le Tim, I don't know if I can Le do it. Le Tim and Le Jim. Do they hang out with Le B with labim god do you guys remember

f7 u12 oh they used lay all the time oh led doge oh all right i like to imagine them trying to deal with where the cutoff is for that. With Jim and Latimer hanging out. And one of them was like, do you remember, went to that restaurant. I can't remember the name of it. Do you remember? And the other guy's like, no. It escapes me. They had really good food.

Remember how good their food was? The place there is just not as good now. That was a week and a half ago. What are you talking about? The guy's holding a shotgun. He's got a tear going down his face. I'm sorry that you remember, but I can't. Do you remember? I want to see the rabbits.

Yeah, think of the rabbits. Quick, think of the rabbits. Think of the rabbits. All right, aside from the nostalgia epidemic itself, there was also an outbreak of fake nostalgia among soldiers who would pretend to miss their friends to get discharged out of fighting god i miss my girlfriend back home you don't have a girlfriend back home you're single i miss her very much my nostalgia is very

strong for her because the joke was on them as quote true nostalgics would just retreat into themselves without revealing why they were suffering god you're nostalgic and you have to talk about it faker god i wish my stupid family oh i miss my dumb dad so much oh i wish i could see my douchebag brothers again you hear him complain you, you know, I miss my family, but I have to talk about him talking about it all the time. Must mean it's fake. He's a faker nostalgic. Absolutely. So for the clicks, everything under the sun could apparently cause nostalgia from a two lenient education coming from the mountains,

unfulfilled ambition, masturbation, eating unusual food and love quote i remember beating my meat as a young lad living in the country living in the city living in the confusing area between the country and the city being tall being short there's a qualifier of love and love quote especially happy love r Roth's paper nose. I really miss my unhappy love. Oh, the good old days when we used to scream at each other angrily and be really miserable. Those were the days. Far be it from me to question why they decided this was such a terrifying ailment.

Usually there's stuff where it's like, oh, well, you're a witch. Witches are evil. And it's like oh well you're you're a witch witches are evil and it's like well that doesn't make any fucking sense but at the time they saw something and they were like oh that's dangerous or it goes against our religion or whatever like it's things that have happened that people have believed can seem insane to us but it's because we know something or science is advanced or whatever like we learned about how stuff works and views have changed yeah what is the explanation for this i googled nostalgia i googled cures for nostalgia and apparently nostalgia can cause depression there's nostalgic depression sure uh however right now nostalgia and homesickness are not themselves currently regarded as mental disorders. I mean, this is actually a thing people have asked.

I guess maybe there's overwhelming nostalgia that impacts your life. There is heartache, and I get that. It's called obsession, I think. It's called obsession. Yeah, that can get really, like everything in excess, it could be bad. So the treatment in those days, it depended on the situation. For a little boy you missed they did it right back then what was it for a little boy who missed his wet nurse doctors brought her back

and then slowly conditioned him to spend time away from her however that's reasonable french doctor jordan lecran thought nostalgia should be treated by quote inciting pain and terror god oh my god you missed your wet nurse wait till you see your dry nurse oh no ah no bring in big jim oh big jim this is now where the lace actually makes sense so it's good here you're interested in babysitting our son. You're interested in babysitting little Brandon. So what are you training? You're sort of like a wet nurse?

No, I'm actually a dry nurse. I use natural homeopathic remedies. I don't believe in liquid or dampness. It's really not what babies need. We also watch Friday the 13th reruns together at midnight before i put them to bed nightmare's good then the therapy's working i don't know why but that reminded me of futurama on the the freedom day episode where nixon's giving a speech or whatever and he's like we're all free you're free to not pay your taxes all you have to do is spend a weekend with the pain monster

big monster on the edge of the frame it's just like see you april 15th everybody oh man we just call him the big jim yeah uh le coins le coin c-o-i-n-t-e cited the example of we'll put in the google text to speech, whatever the pronunciation that is. Le coint. Le coint. Le coint. Le coint.

A Russian army's outbreak of nostalgia in 1733 on its way to Germany. The general told the troops that the first one to come down the nostalgic virus would be buried alive and actually make good on his threat a couple times which nipped that right in the bud when nostalgia finally made its way to the united states after the civil war the quote scare it out of them tactic was replaced with quote shame it out of them american military doctors my parents oh you miss your parents oh look at you i'm in my parents. Oh, you miss your parents. Oh, look at you. I miss my parents. That's you. That's what you sound like.

Oh, the dead. Boo fucking hoo. Life's so hard. I miss when I wasn't fighting in a world war. Oh, you live on the streets with no family. Oh, boo woo. Oh, my brothers and my dad died in the war. We say we're still alive.

Oh, it's Civil War. It's a brother against brother. Oh, it's such a tragedy. Boo. It's embarrassing. Do war is a brother against brother. Oh, it's such a tragedy. It's embarrassing. Do you hear yourself? Shameful. American military doctor Teddy Calhoun thought nostalgia was something to be ashamed of, that those who suffered from it were unmanly, idle, and weak-willed.

He proposed curing it with a healthy dose of public ridicule and bullying. Maybe this is why most people don't feel nostalgic about middle school. Other dubious cures tried over the years include leeches, purging the stomach, and, quote, warm hypnotic emulsions. Oh, whoa. I got some questions about those last two things. One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn't belong. You're sitting in the doctor like, it still really hurts doc like you think i tore something or like no no it's an easy fix

really uh i'm gonna prescribe you three weeks of warm hypnotic emulsions what is an emulsion what is that it doesn't explain i know what an emulsion is an emulsion in cooking language is like a vinaigrette is an emulsion it is things emulsified into oil meaning suspended in the oil so like mayonnaise is an emulsion of uh oil into like an egg yolk or you know things like that but i can't imagine what a warm hypnotic it's a drink drink, maybe? It's like a tonic? Maybe with like LSD mixed in. I have no idea. They drip warm water on you. Right in your forehead over and over again.

I like, either way, doctors did sometimes go with the obvious solution of just letting the patients go home, which more often than not cleared their symptoms right up. But even that wasn't guaranteed to work if the home they longed for had changed significantly or just no longer existed well that'll happen that'll happen i guess man i can't believe there's life and that we remember the past yeah oh man crazy i just struggle i'm really still searching for like why why why is that? What is the harm they're afraid of? Having soldiers who are not stone hard machines of murder? Like this seems to be very military centered, right? Yeah. So it's like they're afraid they're not going to follow orders or something because they're

too nostalgic. Yeah, pretty much. I think that's really all it was. It's just like you have these soldiers who clearly don't want to be there, know they might die and just are like i miss my mom and then the only way to come on man i heard they shelled my hometown la big tim get in here la big jim get in here too oh big jim no shame them leech them emulsion them emulsify them emotional damage drizzle them into the mixer while it emulsifies yeah that's really weird so anyway it's uh basically that's the end of the article

there there's really today you know uh it's not as drastic a treatment for nostalgia but you know are there modern treatments for nostalgia isn't it like visit home or something i mean i'm sure people who serve in the armed forces or otherwise are like out of their country or doing something where they're committed for some reason to do something somewhere else feel it but like we have cell phones and stuff i don't know what are what are the other treatments you know what kind of is a weird relation to this is liminal spaces. Because I think one of the definitions of liminal spaces is that the place in the picture or whatever looks familiar. It feels like something from your childhood or like that you've been before.

But it's terrifying. I think this might be the evolution of LeCointe's pain and terror theory of solution. By turning our nostalgic memories into nightmare fuel, we can get over our weak soy boy manlet status and actually become like iron machines of death that we were designed to be, right? Dude, liminal spaces are creepy. Liminal spaces are creepy.

You know what's an interesting deep dive to... It's not that deep, honestly. There's a lot of it. There are a lot of abandoned mall and otherwise abandoned location videos on like YouTube and stuff. It's very interesting. A lot of it's like, oh, it's a wet room that where the roof collapsed. They'll find little vignettes of like people left their lunch or weird stuff. It's spooky. There's something subtly like atmospherically spooky about that sort of thing yeah it is just like it just has that feeling of like something is not right it's like if you were at a mall at night it would not feel right right just the emptiness of the space like if you've ever gone back to like your high school during like the night time when

it's dark and all the lights are off and it's basically empty which is you're only ever you know generally you're only really at school when there's like hundreds of other kids there or whatever yeah exactly even my house like home my house like we had the power outage like walking around our house with no power oh yeah like normally there's lights you don't even think about like lights from like the oven or the microwave or like electronics or whatever and you're just used to that at least being there but like just the pure pitch blackness and silence because there's nothing running yeah it's just weird it's it's something you're not used to and when you have something that feels like patterns that you've established in your

mind and then they're not there anymore that can be even scarier than anything before so i think that concludes that one i have one more article here before you do your last one, I have a little insert people have been asking. Okay. I do have a Soulja Boy update. Oh, shit. Soulja Boy tweeted, and it provoked a couple articles to come out. He tweeted, and I quote, monkey pox, end quote. And the follow-up articles say he denies having monkey pox. That's it for your Soulja Boy update. Thank you all for tuning in.

Wow. Interesting. So mysterious. August 9th. That was as of August 9th, a couple of few weeks ago now. Month ago. Months ago. it for your soldier boy update thank you all for tuning in wow interesting so mysterious august 9th that was as of august 9th a couple of few weeks ago now a month ago months ago i don't know a while ago this would have been a much more cryptic tweet if it happened a year ago before we all knew monkeypox was even a thing can you imagine that'd be way cooler yeah i could lie and pretend that's what it was but let's do that let's do that yeah we have no integrity here he tweeted about it in july of 2021 weird july of 2009 creepy he tweeted about it before twitter oh my twitter existed in 2008 eight sir hey siri when twitter i googled twitter how old twitter

2006 twitter how old march 21st 2006 when Twitter how old? 2006. Twitter how old? March 21st, 2006. When Twitter create. Yeah, I found the same answer. Wow. All right. You guys ready for the last article? Yes. Yes.

This article is provided to us from amusingplanet.com by Kashik Patowri. Shantytown. Slum-themed resort for the tasteless rich. Excuse me? Oh, God. Yep. Themed hotels and restaurants can offer people an alternative and fantastic experience and can be quite popular among tourists when done tastefully.

But Shantytown is possibly one of the most tasteless and insensitive themed resorts ever created. Located near Blomfontein in South Africa. It's, I'm going to put this in the discord because I don't know. You guys, uh, I think you pretty much nailed it. Good luck with that.

Blomfontein. Blomfontein. Blomfontein. Blomfontein. In South Africa, the slum themed luxury resort operated by Amoya Luxury Hotel and Spa looks like a slum, but only from the outside.

Bloemfontein. Bloemfontein. Is that how you do it? I just looked it up. Bloemfontein. All right, cool. Bloemfontein. The resort consists of a dozen shacks made of scrap wood and corrugated metal, but is equipped with inconveniences such as running water electricity geysers.

Geysers. Bro, I don't even have geysers. They have geysers at this hotel? Yeah, what? Really, they got geysers or geezers. I don't know. It could be either. Only if you're English.

Yeah. And even underfloor heating and wireless internet access. To make the stay a bit more authentic, though, the operators have installed paraffin lamps, candles, and battery-operated radios, as well as the famous long-drop toilet. Famous? The what? The long-drop toilet, you know.

I've got an idea, guys. Let's find an impoverished area, kick everybody that lives there out. We buy it up. Okay. Build walls. And then we bring in, like, some of those people that now are homeless. We let them wander around, but we charge tons and tons of money for rich people to come stay there and pretend that they live there instead interesting yeah a long drop toilet aka

a pit latrine it's pronounced pit latrine is a hole in the ground where you build an outhouse over it so you poop into a big hole in the ground and it's a long drop for your poops where's the hole go nowhere it fills up and then you just got a shit filled hole in the ground yep what everyone loves how do you empty that hole do you just build a new outhouse dig a new one and scooch the outhouse over oh god this is a big one oh i thought pick up the outhouse over. Oh, God, this is a big one. Oh, I feel it. Pick up the outhouse and, like, scoot over to the next hole. There we go. Oh, I can continue.

I don't know how massive your shits are or how small the holes you dig are, but I don't think that you would not know you're about to fill it before you sit down. But I love the imagery. I do enjoy it. It's like a Flintstones car for your outhouse. Is it seat four as well everyone help paddle four holes yeah you can have a group poo so just to paint a word picture because you described it but i had trouble imagining it's not like a big hotel with like corrugated metal all over the outside of it it's like an assortment of shacks that look kind of like jangly shacks but are have all the things you said yeah and it's there's like 12 of them in

this picture organized around a central probably a cooking area yeah mess hall or something maybe that's the poop hole it could be the poop hole i don't know oh it's a communal drop toilet yes yes see my idea is not so crazy a flintstone toilet crazy yeah not so crazy so but people have criticized it it costs about 82 bucks a night right that's reasonable sure a little less than half the average monthly salary of a south african and more than most slum dwellers can ever dream of making in a month the themed resort has drawn flack from all around with critics using strong words such as offensive, insensitive, tasteless, and vulgar. They would think that because they can't afford to stay there. Plebeians. I love this quote from the hotel's website. A shanty usually consists of old corrugated iron sheets or any other waterproof material which is constructed in such a way to form a small

house or shelter where they may live for some time yeah also known as the place humans live in places around the world because that's all they can get yeah i don't have any trouble understanding how this is uh offensive and especially in uh wait before i say this let me let me fact check myself you know we could donate money to help these people get better living or you know we could go stay at the hotel to get a better understanding of what it's like yeah yeah okay so i'm no expert on this so i'm in by no means claiming that i know what i'm talking about it's located in south africa yeah yeah country where apartheid happened yes and where i'm imagining shanties and the style of living that they're mocking

slash emulating had a lot to do with the violence and segregation and subjugation of the black people in south africa and this is a luxury hotel where they're like, oh, white folks, come live in a shanty. It's so quaint. What the hell? I don't know what you're talking about, man. No? Nothing? Definitely not. Guys, I want you to know, surprise, I got us all tickets so we can go

stay for a week. We're actually recording from our shanties right now. Drop your green screens, boys. We are streaming from Shantytown, Bloomfontein. We're on the drop toilets. That is a grand presumption. I am by no means knowledgeable about that.

But in a country where, you know, there's a history of dramatic inequities and violence and things. Oh, come on, Bob. Are they still on about that? It seems like I could see how you could make that connection and how there's possibly roots in that part of their history. Yeah. That's just weird.

That's so weird. It is weird. Benefits outweighs the means because the shantytown quote is ideal for braise. Oh. What? B-R-A-A-I-S. Braise. Braise.

That's good for boobs. Braise. Rise. Bras. Those are good for boobs. Rise. Fancy theme parties and an experience of a lifetime. Accommodates up to 52 guests.

Our shanties are completely safe and child friendly. Not at all shanties. End quote. I would love to take my son to go sit on the communal toilet with some strangers in a shanty town. No, you'd bring your friends. It wouldn't be. It wouldn't be strangers. Oh, of course.

The whole family. Anyway. Oh, you'd bring your friends. It wouldn't be strangers. Oh, of course. The whole family. Anyway. Oh, there's more pictures. There's a picture of the circular thing in the middle. It's filled with a bunch of chairs made out of tires, sticks, and metal mesh. Yep. Fancy. Whatever they're going for.

Adjective, I guess. What's this place called? Shantytown. Shantytown. It's just called Shantytown. Bloom Fountain. Yep. Yes.

Your son's like, I want to go to disney we have disney at home disney at home yep just as good just many memories no litim we're going to shantytown i want to go to disney oh you'll love this even more that's kind of just awful yeah but also yeah my conclusion is i hate this it's awful what are they gonna have like a really nice luxurious resort that like people that don't make a big living can go stay at for like two dollars a year or something less profitable but hey you know i think it's a good thing to do maybe give people that need housing some housing that's a crazy concept isn't it i don't know what you're talking about i don't know if a hotel is really housing i guess it could be well we'll call it a hotel but maybe it's like more permanent what if we just created normal housing for people in places

where they might want to live what is normal bob yeah what decides what normal is well come on man that's a pretty fair question but we run a podcast you know we only wipe our asses with the finest of silk golden sheets. Is that normal? Because to me it is. Oh, my real ass came out. Sorry. Sorry. I mean, anyway, that paper on their ass, the poor that will wrap up our episode for today. Thank you so much for participating. I feel like I lost. Well, let me tabulate the scores. You can forfeit if you want. Yeah. Thank you so much for participating. I feel like I lost.

Well, let me tabulate the scores. You can forfeit if you want. Yeah, do you want to forfeit? I don't know. After my jokes, if people don't understand my sarcasm, I might have forfeited my career after this one. We'll see about that.

Because according to my score, and I was keeping very close watch, initially, Bob, you were in the lead very strongly. But Wade had this string of jokes that went back to back in the uh the nostalgia article that just hit after hit after hit and with that wade climbed back up by one point to succeed and win in that episode congratulations wade you by sheer quantity of jokes, output, some hit, some didn't. I think you made your way

to the top. I've built a career on quantity over quality. Thank you, Mark. You're welcome. You're welcome. It was a tough go of it. Bob, you very closely brought it back, but sadly today goes to Wade. Sadly? Sadly, yes. Very sadly. Okay, well, you just said that

idea that was in your brain out loud, didn't you? No, I meant to say it nice and out loud. I have no regrets about what I said. I meant what I said. There's a certain number of devoted followers, five, that really like when I host. Well, give your winner's speech. Congratulations! Oh, I win. It's good to be back on top. It's been a long time since I've gotten to host. One episode, in fact, in between.

So I can't wait to host again and give you all the show of a lifetime or just another rehash of something I've done before. All right. Loser speech? Yep. I'm gonna lose like a winner and not complain about how much I've won or lost on this show. Lately, it's been rough for me, but you don't hear me complaining about how dramatically unfair some of the recent episodes have been. What do you mean lately it's been rough? Are you implying that there was a better time for you in the olden days? Are you feeling nostalgic? No, no. For your olden wins?

I love right now. I'm looking forward to the future, honestly. Put him in the drop toilet. That's the only thing that'll cure him. The big gym, get in here. If anything, I miss tomorrow. All right. Well, thank you everybody so much for being here. Are you pre-stalgic? I don't care about. The big Jim, get in here! If anything, I miss tomorrow. Alright. Well, thank you everybody so much for being here.

Are you pre-stalgic? For listening. Have a wonderful rest of your day. We have big, big news that we won't tell you. Go find Wade at LordMinion777 or Minion777. Bob is back on Twitch at

MySkirm. You can find him there. He'll be streaming regularly or semi-regularly or whenever the hell he feels like it. He's a free, free, free man. I'm free, boy. Yeah, and I can be found at MarkBlyer, you know where, and also other places. And thank you. Have a good day.

My guest out. Wade wins! See you all again in a week for more Distractible. Brought to you by Intel.