Distractible - Buy My Thing!

Episode Date: March 23, 2026

What happened to Mark at the Oscars, and what's that under Bob's shoe? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This illustrated episode, Wiggling Wade, greatest host of the generation, reinvents the wheels of commerce. Balderdash Bob has his house, communally pebble-dashed, requests short stories, and treads in shit. Masturbating Mark evades the red rug. Draw snipers, tartipoos, dicks, and zordon, then gets dusty with eight hot rings.

From badger beards to range masters, ha ha ha ha ha. It's time for buy my thing. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode

of distractible. I am today's host because I'm bald. And bald people have rights too, I found out. Join as always by my co-hosts who Simulian to disagree with that. Mark and Bob. Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? How's it going, my haired fellows?

Feeling hairy. Oh, hairtastic. Hair incredible. Horrific. Hairrific. I got my head shaved again, and I'm at the point now where there's so little color left when I get my head and beard shaved that it's like, Plink, please stay, stay little fella.

Don't go. Just got to cut the gray so that it'll slowly erode from a goatee down to a mustache. I'm just going to have this tiny little bit of beer. It looks so bad. It's just an outline of your lips. I've always thought this was the best. Fasial hair. Call it my extra smoochers.

Oh. Mm-hmm. Wouldn't be a good look. I have a little bit of like a really terrible handlebar. Anyway, if you never seen the show before, then I don't know why you tune into this specific episode, but this is the one you found. I'm not going to explain the rules today because I'm tired.

I don't feel like it. We're going to jump into small talk. I have a whole bunch. Something happened this weekend. And it's so crazy because we're doing one a week. So it's actually like this weekend was nuts. Actually stuff happened. Yeah, that's fair.

I guess actually when it comes out, it'll be last weekend. So Bob, do you want to go first before I hand over the? Yeah, Bob, do you want to? I feel like I have the opposite of what Mark is about to talk about. We set a record for the household in the last week. I don't know. No household records existed. How many days have you ever gone with, how do I phrase this, where you had a dog or a baby throw up or poop inside the house?

Our record is 10 in a row. Wow. I've got a cat. You didn't mention cats. Our record is specifically a cat. Cats can count. Cats can count. Yeah, Keaters stopped using his potty pads again.

So we've had, I don't know how many days in a row, but. A lot? It's been a minefield coming to my office It's been in my anywhere there's carpet You never know anymore Your feet will tell you for either one or two Lovely That's our undercuts the dramatic storytelling

I was building up there But no please go ahead It's not a fun tale for me Our house has been sick and Lexi is I don't know An idiot And she We can't leave Lexi in her cage anymore

I mean she's not an idiot She's old is the problem And she gets too anxious So we can't leave her in her cage anymore Or she poops and then she eats the poops and then she throws up poops which is somehow worse than either

individually wait yeah it's not that's not plus that's yeah and then when she does that she then proceeds to throw up for like the next 24 to 48 hours because it was gross which I have to give her credit for

I think that's the right call I think I would throw up too very gross very gross there's an exciting thing that I'm gonna talk about that is exciting for me and other people. Mm-hmm. And I'm only shilling a little bit here.

Did you know the Real Good AI? The nonprofit that was founded by Mark and run by my wife is having a writing competition? I don't know if anyone who watches this or listens to this is a writer or fancies himself a writer. You should look into it, though. RealgoodaI.org slash the scary tapes. Oh, ho ho. Because it's a AI horror writing competition and the winners of the competition are in some fashion going to be made into podcast episodes where they're going to be read and slash performed in a way. Possibly by us or other voice actors or that part's not set yet.

But the winners win a cash prize and also it'll be like an October podcast series. It would be fun. It would be scary. Scary stuff. sounds great. That sounds awesome. So if you want to write a story, I think it's like, oh, seven to 10,000 words or something like that. It's like kind of short story form, but not too short. Check it out. Look at the website, real good AI.org slash the scary tapes. I'm excited. I want to start reading them. I realize this takes time and this thing just started so that no one's

submitted any stories yet, but like how and I don't think I get to pick. I'm not like a judge or anything, but I just want to read them to see what people have. That's exciting. How many, royalties do I get? As the creator of the original the scary tape I feel I'm owed a fat 85% how much of the charity funds does market the skim off the top come on well you fund the whole organization that's running it and you're a co-equal member of the show and I mean pretty much all of them really realistically so I could legally oh wow sweet Good. All my people will email your people, by which I mean, I'll email the lawyers, and they'll tell me what's going to happen.

Mark's going to go to jail. It's going to happen. Mark got a cease and desist and jail time. Yay. Yeah. But yeah, aside from all the puke and the dog pooping and the dog pooping puking, I'm really excited about that. I'm focusing on the writing competition. Submit stories, please distract me.

The rest of life is a hellish puk-filled nightmare right now. So, Mark. Your sound is like way more fun. I'm ready to hear this. It was fun, I will not deny. Even more fun when I saw headlines being written, especially by hometown Cincinnati Inquirer, written by

Babebe, Bebe, Hobges. Yeah, yeah, Beebe. B, E, B.E. Hodges. I am so sorry. I love when Babe writes us some notes. Hey, babe. Babe, babe, babe, Markipliers at the Oscars. This headline is so funny.

Milford Grad gets lost at the Oscars, quote, The whole carpet's red. Ah, man, you know, I hope I had, oh, so funny. Yep, it just really makes me seem like a bumbling fool at the Oscars. So to defend myself, I'm actually doing. a first for the small talk portion. I am going to be, the listeners are going to get mad

the earliest they've ever been in an episode because I'm drawing things on the screen because I need to to properly illustrate how this all went down. Are we getting a map of the Oscars? Yep, you're getting a map of the Oscar. Behold!

Wow! Paint! All right, so it's nothing right now, but hold on. I'm ready. Editor's going to love this one, because I'm going to make them look at stuff later too. Yeah, it's all good. Okay, so first off, you have Hollywood Boulevard, right?

So you got, you know, it's Holly. I don't know why I'm writing this out. Hollywood. I don't see enough sex shops to believe you. Okay, here we go. X, X, X, X. Hollywood style, you know what I mean? They got the extra X.

God dang. Wow, the quadruple X. And then across the street, you know, they only got three and a half X's and they're a real math. about it. The triple X slash. And then there's this one guy that actually this guy actually exists and he was real mad. He was all like, you,

you bastards, middle finger, okay, out and let's say he had this. I thought that was his face. Is that, his body? Dick in his hands. It's top down.

That's the top of his head. Yeah, it's top down. He's a ball. He's really got a charred. He's got a charlie. He's got a charlie brown hair thing going on. Oh, there you go. He was real mad.

That is not a Hitler mustache. Now, this is just a real Google image search of Hollywood Boulevard right here. Okay, anyway, so I'm going to take that back. So we're in cars, right? So we're in our fancy Uber black or, you know, whatever the lift equivalent is. We're not sponsored by anyone anymore because we're so alone. So we're driving here. And there's multiple checkpoints here, right?

Well, actually, let me look this different color. So what's crazy about is it was like heightened security. I don't know if this is how this is always like this, but there's like cops. Drive forward a full block sniper, right? There's a fucking guy holding the sniper rifle who's fighting every urge in his body to do this. Lying prone on the road, yeah.

No, he's on a vehicle. This is another, there's another. It's the roof of a van. It's clearly a van. Yeah, see, it's got the mirrors and it's got the trunk. The tail. Anyway, so

We're driving along We go in stages, right? So there's a full block, right? This is a full B-L-O-C-K block. Yeah, I'm with you. There's swervy barriers, literally puzzle style like this. Each time you go to checkpoint here, you had to open the trunk. This is the trunk, you know, and then you had to pop the hood.

You know, that's the hood there and the engine, right? To pop the hood? God. Yeah, and then turn off the car. And they had a dog walk around. He had a little boofy dog, you know, sniffing. Does that dog have udders? No, it's on the prowl.

That's what it is. It's on the prowl. It's actually a tardigrade poodle mix. It's called a poodigrade. How is the cartel? It would 100% be called a tartapoo, wouldn't it? I'd mess that up real bad. Depends on the mix, if it's the father and the mother, you know.

No, that's right. It depends on the genealogy. Tardoodle. Tardoodle. Anyway, so we finally get it here. And so I'm going to, how do I do layers? I'm out. Okay, I'll hide in that layer, right?

Yeah, okay. So we make it to the Oscars through all the security, right? So the Oscars is set up in a way where there's a street intersection here. And you don't know that because it's all hidden by drapery now and fake hedges. So you got, man, listeners are seething. I can't wait for BB to write another article. It's like Mark doesn't know how many legs the dog has. Listeners are crashing their cars on purpose just so they could start watching.

Markiplier thinks cars have tails. Here's his artwork proving it. Oh, yes, yes. So we have three lanes. We get out. We go here. There's lines that start up basically from here and funnel you in this way. It's like a narrow path that opens up like this, right?

So we're walking. Me and Amy, we're walking in, we're walking in, we're walking in. And then there's a series of gates here, right? It's gates to check your badges to make sure. No red carpet yet. No, it's red. This is all red. All red.

All red. Okay. It is all red. The red starts all ready. Got it. Yep. It's red. So it's all red carpet, right?

Everything's red. Like you're filming iron lung all over again. Exactly. 100% you're with it. You got it. Man, you're the greatest host of our generation. Babe. That's the name of the person who wrote that article.

She's not here. No, she's not here. She's not here. Yeah. Anyway, funnel back down. like squeeze you know uh so we squeeze in here and then the actual red carpet is right over here actual i'm having a stroke that says actual it does sure yeah actual actual pictole actual actual bittersnus it was written in this weird font i couldn't read it this is where the

problem started right i was like oh man so our journey is now funneling down into here and there was some working that recognized me and said hi that was a lovely getting here so we break up into three lanes going into the official red carpet da no no nah this house all laid out bw photo photo people you know depoto people you know depoto people Photo people Yeah, yeah Photo people, sure, sure So the way it works out

It's like we couldn't see this, right? There's a S bend and it kind of opens up Probably actually, I didn't even see it But I think it goes like that, right? So this is red car Pet So this is it This is the main thing

This is where the people be walking, you know? This is where the people Are they all direct? No, no. No, this is Futz. Oh, okay. That guy is a huge dick. Look at those dicks.

The big dick energy in Hollywood. I see. She got the hoo. Sorry, I used to the top-down views. I thought it was the head and the... Oh, you didn't say Bigfoot was there. Shit. He was.

He was. He was crazy. You know, who edits to my videos? It was just at a Bigfoot museum. I didn't know. I think actually it must have gone like this because I didn't see that happening. So I think it actually was like this because I didn't see any of this. There were three lanes of people here.

And there's a door right here. Right? So we're about here. We get in and then boom. Hello. They're not this big. This is not to scale. Huge head.

This is like a Wizard of Oz head situation. Did they have Mr. Potato had greeted you? Tiny eyes. That's scary. Buck tooth. No, they're very nice. So this, this lovely person said, Mark.

Oh, and Amy. Oh, it's so good to see. you, we've been told to take really good care of you, right? I'm going to pass you off to my associate, who is literally right here. Hello. They knew. They knew they'd be here eventually on this. They have their own tablet, and they also are like, oh, hi, Mark, we've been told to take

really good care of you. So we've gone, like, this is like 10 steps, right? She goes, now, well, if you come with me, there's a side path that we're going to take you through, right? and I said, oh, well, you know, I don't usually like cutting lines. I'm good to wait. You know, like, no, no, no. We've been told to take really, really good care of you.

Keep this guy off the red carpet, got it. I don't know if that's true, but it didn't turn out that way. Let this guy nowhere near the red. Bigfoot's over there. Mark can't be over there. So this door has no signs on, no label. I don't even think it had a handle, right? It's just, it just became a door and opened when you thought about it correctly.

I don't recall her opening it I don't recall So it opens right Squee It's very floppy door So hold on here That is a very floppy A floppy handleless door

Yeah well that would make sense It didn't have a handle yeah It might have opened the other way But I'm not gonna redraw it I don't know if that detail makes the story or breaks it I don't know either But we're here So we go through here

And wouldn't you know it It's also red carpet here. And I'm like thinking, hey, this is all good. You know, why not? Yeah, they want to get me to the front of all you. YouTube's doing the treat me treatment, you know? I'm really, anyway, there's another person. Another person.

They're very happy to see me. It's the first person just in a mustache. It went around. Hello. And then they're like, this way. They're pointing. Oh, my God. I would not follow that finger.

Jesus Christ. They must have been real happy to see you with a pointer like that. So it's this way. So at this point, we're just like, and she's telling us like, hey, don't worry, there's like a photo. You'll go to the stairs. You can take photos there. And up at the top, there's a photographer with next to Oscar statues, which we did get

that picture. And it looks very good. Go this way right here to this other person who's right here. Still happy to see me, you know? Hi! Go that way! Oh, no. Oh, the pointer finger length was a dead giveaway, Mark.

This guy was muscular, by the way. I don't know why that stands out to me, but he's got muscles, right? I just appreciate that they're all bald. I think that it looks like an okay symbol, right? It's okay. Go this way, right? There was another box here where there were people here, and they were taking pictures and observing,

and I thought it was like a secondary poto people thing. Mini poto people. This is how we missed walking the red carpet. Legitimately. Hi, hi, hi, hi, this way. And we just by the whole thing. And literally all of this joins back up right around the corner. Like right here it funnels all back down.

There's a slight turn here and then it goes up. the stairs to lead to the theater where you go in there to the Oscars. So we were escorted that way. So is this one of those things where they like had like traditional superstar celebs walk outside and because like or people that were nominated outside or thought that but no, all of the all the celebrities they just go. I guess through this door. All those fucking losers just go on the normal red carpet.

Yeah, so yeah, all of the celebrities, all the nominees, they went this way. And we went. There weren't many people walking. I'm going to say, who all went this way? It's like exclusively marked. They're like, I'm not saying anything. There's no conspiracies here, but this is just. These people that were taking good care of me, were they like, oh boy, hey, Mark, we're

going to take you a real special man, pal. Be our movie, will you? You know what? It might be. It might be. I can't say one way or another, but this is the, this is the truth. And so what the funny thing is. And I'll try to draw. This is FedE who works. He's like the head of movies at YouTube who helped get me the invite. I'm going to try to draw his face when I told him I had somehow, I had somehow missed the entirety of the, of the, let's see, let's try preemptively get these under there. Oh, he looks like me right now. What a happy, lively guy. I didn't know he was a South Park character. That's crazy. Just after I told him that just...

He looks like the dude that eventually was in charge of the Power Rangers. Zorg or whatever his name was. Yeah, and I can't be sure, but I'm pretty sure I might have seen a little bit of a tear form. It kind of looks like if he opened his mouth, he'd be like, Oh, geez, Rick! I bet he can't wait to invite you again after this depicts. And I remember him saying something along the lines of, let me type it out.

I don't know why, but... Oh, man. Oh, the size is good. It would have been good if the press knew you were here, I guess. Oh, it's so small. Oh, wait, no, it was... Fuck, it's so small. Oh, it would have been good if the press knew you were here, I guess.

I guess so I just Zordon. My heart crush Zordon. That's his name? Oh I wouldn't, of course I can't edit that. That is how that looks now. Fuck, all right. That's not a fucking tiniest words. You're good at

the press. New you were here. Here spelled each a shot I can't think he English isn't his first language right. He's from It's not mine either. There we go. Okay. Is that better? Is that better for you? All right, I'm done. Yeah, just

Want to get this right for the Cincinnati Inquirer? That is a story of how I missed the red carpet. So it wasn't your fault. The M&M sent you the wrong way. I mean, yeah, very much. Damn blue Disney M&M's. It really was a thing where I even said like, look, I'm good to wait. And then they looked at me like, and then I went,

I guess I've never been here before, so you would know best, so I'll follow your lead. All right, through the door. Let's get through the door. They weren't malicious at all. They were very nice. And they have those iPads because they have to memorize the faces and names of everyone that shows up there. And there must have been a big note by mine. Warning, this guy's from YouTube.

Take really good care of them. You showed up inside the building and some guy in a walkie-talkie was like, Why the fuck is he still alive? What did you assholes do about there? He just happened to survive. The sniper was just laying out sun tanning. And with the old Leslie Nielsen like, oh, my shoes untied. Whoop, peon.

It goes right over. Next year, I'll get them next year. I should just end the episode. I don't think any game I can do can compete with what we just witnessed. Oh, hey, we're only doing one episode a week. Might as well make it short and worse than they were before. Excellent. All right.

Well, I hope you all enjoyed Mark's Oscar episode. The Oscars themselves are very nice. I ate a lot of food there, but the rest of it was fine. I don't even know how this works. Are they all celebrities? Because it's in the Dolby, right? Which is a big theater, but it's not like it's 10,000 people or something. It's not. No, no, I think it's like max capacity is, actually, well, I don't even know what is.

Capacity. And then the Dolby like a couple thousand at most. Like, it's like a 15, 1800 seater, isn't it? 3,400. So, yeah, we're in the mezzanine. The first level above the ground floor. All the celebrities are up in the front, like bottom, the good seats. But we had good seats too.

The majority of the people there are industry people like producers, directors, the people that work in the post and the production side of it. the crews of those that were nominated, they just put the celebrities up in front. So I was up there. I was actually sat next to Fedet and his wife. I hope I'm pronouncing his name correctly because ever since I learned his name, I've kind of just whenever I've seen. Oh, Fedet. How are you?

Hey, champ. Hey. I have totally misheard someone's name before and then tried to mumble it to get away with it. I've been there where you're like, uh, Christine, Christina. Hey, Chrissy. How are you? Hey, Creia! Hey, Crayola.

Creola, good to see you. I hope you guys never run into Babe from the Cincinnati Acquirer. Probably Beebe if I had to guess. It probably is BB. Listen, babe. I, well, I mean, you know, I don't think we were mentioned at all, so Bob and I are probably safe.

Yeah. That was, the way you look and the way you just, it was like Keanu Reeves was in the room with me again. I don't know what I have that's giving very Keanu today. I don't even my long hair anymore. Something with the shirt, man. I don't know. That feels very.

very Mr. Reeves. It's an iron lung t-shirt. Oh. Well, less so whenever I see the bottom. I guess it was just the really high necktop maybe. I don't know. That's a cool shirt. Thanks.

No one else can ever get it. Can we have one? No. Okay. It never got made. This was a prototype of an old design that didn't make the cut. So you're wearing garbage. Yes, I'm wearing literal garbage.

That's pretty cool. That sounds trendy. Speaking of trendy, no one gets a segue point because none of this is like anything that I'm doing. But I do have a game. So what we're going to do is we're going to do a game, and I just call it buy my thing. We can change the name later, of course.

But right now, that's the prototype. I don't know if it'll be distributed. You guys might not be able to wear it. But as of right now, that's the prototype I'm working on. One of you's going to get a prompt, and it's going to be a thing that you're trying to sell to me. You want me to buy your thing. The next person will spin the wheel,

and they're going to try to get me to buy their thing instead, and they get to respond to the first person's sales pitch, you know, whatever, rebut it. And then whoever the first person was will get one more chance to rebut that rebuttal. And then I'll make a choice as to whose thing I'm buying. And that's that round. I know we're just getting into the game. But the last one we did was my dice breakers game where the premise was equally convoluted.

And I feel like while I was explaining it, Mark was kind of just like, no, no, I got it. Bob, this guy can't even follow a red carpet, man. It's like, okay, it's like Wheel of Fortune plus Jeopardy in the middle of it. Here's, I'll explain to you what I got from that. And you tell me how close I was. I'm sure you're dead on. You're gonna spin a wheel. Yes.

Right? And in there are things. And we need to sell that thing to the opponent. You, you, wait. And then it's gonna spin again. And the other guy's gonna rebut to the thing that I, they want me to buy their thing instead. Oh.

I see. I see. Okay. So if I spin it, Let's say it lands on broom. Mark's trying to sell me a broom. And then Bob spends it gets pizza. He wants me to buy a pizza instead of the broom.

I can only buy one thing. Oh, that's an easy one. But then Mark gets one more chance after Bob gets me to try to buy the pizza. No, no, no, listen, you still want the broom. And then I'll decide. We'll go again. I don't know how good this particular wheel is if I can, like, remove things after they land on it.

I also don't even know how to spin the wheel. So we're going to figure this out together. Sounds really well planned. No, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, whoa. As per usual from me, it's about as well planned as it ever is. I think it's great. I think it's going to be great. Thanks, man.

I think it sounds really fun. I don't like the way you flip it. I've heard so much down. I'm just saying, I think it sounds great. I'm going to have a great time. This is going to be super fun. I think it's really fun. I don't know if I like that tone at all.

The toe doesn't mean anything. Listen to the words. All the matters is the words, I'm saying. I don't like the words. If the listeners have a, anything to go by. It doesn't matter what our faces say. It doesn't matter what our lips say. It's only the words. I guess tone does come into play for their ears. No, no, listeners can't hear Toad. You see Tone. You see Tone. I have Sinith's Tonia. Bob, your heads, mark your tails. Whoever wins goes first.

Heads. Bob, you get to go first on the first prompt. All right. Do you guys want me to spend twice in a row so you both in what you're doing? Or do you want me to just spin first pitch and spinning in? Nah, keep going. We got it. That feels like an advantage for the second person. I think you spin and then we have to just jump into it. All right. Done. All right. First, hey, that actually spun it.

Cool. I was looking at some of these things on the wheel. What is that? Bob, you want me to buy some shoes. Is there a time for this or do I just go? I didn't plan that far ahead. So obviously, just go. Just because we're already here.

I just want to paint the picture for you. All right. I'm with you. You live in a house. I think so. Houses have floors. You've been talking about this. Last time I checked.

You have feet. Two of them. Which we're going to make pink for some reason. Great. This is your foot. That's your foot. That's your pink fleshy foot. Perfect.

And you know what? Walking around your own house and your own pink feet is delightful. Unless you have a cat that leaves little presents for you on the carpet. I don't know how big Keaters' shits are. But we're going to say this is one specially coagulated shit. And you didn't even step on it. You stepped into it. Your whole toes are now embedded in shit.

Don't you wish you had some magical product to protect you from toes wiggling in that fresh steamy cat shit? Yeah, I really do. Don't you just wish someone had something that could defend you from? from this scenario happening over and over and over again because Keaters, as I know, because my dog is very old, Keaters is just going to share wherever he wants. Yep. And he wants to do it a lot. And he wants to do it everywhere.

Well, that's why I'm here to tell you about shoes. I have exactly what you need. It does not matter what you step on, asterisk. As long as you're wearing shoes, it cannot harm you. It cannot make your toes have shit between them. It cannot make you wonder if you have shit underneath your toenails for the rest of your life. You'll be safe forever from the shit. Wherever Keaters needs to go, he's good, he's covered.

You want to take care of your pets. Do you love Keaters? Oh, yeah. Then buy some shoes. You don't have a dancer because I know you do. It means you need shoes. It means you're going to buy shoes. It means you're going to buy my shoes because I'm selling them right here, right now, and you need them.

That's it. That's my pitch. By the way, if you don't buy shoes, hate Keaters. That's a hell of a pitch. What a hell of a pitch. Too bad he doesn't make the rule, man. I'm ready. All right, Mark, you get to rebut. You're trying to sell me. Uh-huh. Instead of shoes, I need to get. Beans. By the way, some of these props may not be equal to the other. Me and the boys at 3 a.m. looking for some beans. Hey, don't sell it for me. Yeah, sorry. Wait, I'm your job. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, anyway, since we're here, you know, I might as well...

I want you to look at this man. This hungry, hungry man, yearning for success, yearning for his prodigal son, his favorite YouTuber to ever amount to anything, amount to a whole hill of beans, right? That's nothing to do with the rest of what I'm selling, but that's pretty good, right? I made it up. Yeah. Not bad. Anyway, this man starving.

Imagine this, again, the thing with the dust. What the fuck is it called? Vacuum? No, with the time, and the depression, the dust bowl?

The great depression, the dust bowl? Yeah. You were going to get in the dust. The thing with the dust. The dust bowl, which one? The dust. Right?

They survive The many Depression Eric Buy my beans Man They eat them then They eat them now

Don't be like this guy Buy my beans I don't want to Do with the dust I want the beans I want the beans I don't want to be like that guy Would you like to

Repud Mm-hmm Mm-hmm Just one second Just doing a little Preparation here Hosie's still selling Shoes?

Oh no I wish I can't reiterate Enough If you want Catch it swing your toes to buy beans, I guess. But Mark did make one good point.

The Great Depression was bad. The people in the Dust Bowl were sad, except the one guy who had shoes. See how, wow, it does not look like he has pupils right now. He does have pupils. That is not what it looks like. Anyway, see how happy and cool he is with his eyeballs? Because he's the one with shoes. That could be you.

Also, these people's feet are all covered and catch it. Man, I hate to slam dunk Bob like this, but... Are we having a rebut to the rebut? May I have the screen? Three rounds has a fourth. How could I say no? I would like to present my rebuttal. Yeah.

I got so big. Have you heard of the expression? As above, so below? I have now, if I hadn't before. Okay. So, hold on. on. All right. This man may not

have much. I don't like, what do you done with the mouse? Does you say that? There we go. It's fine. We've averted disaster. Now, would you ever take advice from someone... Fuck.

Okay, open your mind for this. This is... Okay, all right. All right. You must to remain symmetrical at the top of your body to the bottom, right? Okay. If you buy his shoes, your whole balance will be thrown off.

Notice nothing up there. Look how bad this is going to look. If you listen to his advice. No. How bad if I looked wearing shoes my whole life? Oh my God. Oh, oh, no. Ew.

Ew. Suddenly everyone's gonna be looking down here at your feet and they're not even gonna notice your head Also buy beans All right, all right, I don't know if I get another turn, but I'm taking one I'd like to scream back That's all you got please all right. We have an impressed in fifth round or three round thing I just need to highlight one thing. I don't know if it was clear we're back here Great Depression sad dustful very sad these people feet covered in shit no shoes this guy happy, shoes?

No shit. If you just zoom in and look really close. Oh, no. That what the sad people have in their hands. That is slander. Or libel. It's written, I think. They're not just sad because of the Great Depression.

They're sad because all they have is beans. I rest my case. That's like that artificial chick kind, the chick with an apostrophe, and... Chicken, chicken. Clearly that's B-E-A-N-Z and not how I spelled it B-E-N-B-E-N-S The B-E-Ns? Oh, the B-E-Ns!

I just looked at, um, I don't want to present. A man that's spelled beans. You're actually going to kill me. I yield my time. I have given an assortment of points this round, which I wasn't intending to do, but I had to. However, overall, man, that last photograph of the bean depression, I just got to give the point to Bob for the round, but I don't know who got more points total during the round. Bob gets the round point. Also, buy beans didn't quite do it in the report.

You countered Bob real well the second time, but. You know what, Mark, I see the vision. You're not buying shoes. You're looking for something to buy. Also, buy beans. They're actually completely separate product categories. is they're not mutually exclusive at all. We're not even competing, really.

Okay, Bob, you get to go first this time. Wait, what? Didn't I just get to go first? Mark, you get to go first this time. I mean, okay. I shouldn't have said anything, I guess. There were so many rebuttals. I didn't remember where we started.

It was perfectly logical. I'd like the screen, please. I'm going to draw about how I just went first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so, Mark, you get to go first this time. You're going to sell me an oven or stove. you came to the right guy if there's a guy that knows

about having stoves. Let me only stop sharing just in case. No, I don't even need to share. All right. Unless you need an illustration of what a stove looks like. You know what? Let me guide you through it. I look like the kind of guy who needs to know. I understand you're the type of buyer

that wants to know every in and out. Not like this poor piece of shit right here. Sorry, Fed-A. I'm, man, this is no longer FedA. I want to I want to be very clear. This is not Fadde. Wait, what the fuck? They're here.

It's not. No, not brown. Not in brown. Not Fade. There's a no stove having guy. I'm not even going to bother with the entry level models. You, sir, want the range master 9,000, right? Oh, that sounds fancy.

I love the way you smell. Thank you. Let me give you a glance at this thing. Boom, pow, What fuck? It stops. Don't need that much space. Does it like run out of paint?

What's happening? What the fuck kind of brush is this? It's limiting my artistic vision. Yeah. There you go, wow, pow. All right, so you got the range master 9,000, all right? So this bad

Mamba jamba of an oven not only has dual zone, uh, not only does it have dual zone ovens. Wow. It's got not one, not two, not three,

not four, not five, not six, not seven. It's got a secret elbow burner right here. Keeps on your toes. It's only for experts. And you,

my friends seem like an expert who needs all of those zones and a special surprise to keep you awake in the line of duty. Starting off at 99, 999. Oink. Wow. That dot can be going anywhere. Man, for trying to sell me something, you sure picked the price. I know, right? This is the Rangemaster 9,000.

look. We accept Klarna! Credit Clarna? Don't use the watercolor brush. It runs out. It runs out. Man, I'm pretty sold. That thing has not one, not two,

not three, all the way up to a secret eighth burner? Sure. I think. No, that was right. That was right. No, you're so right. It definitely has eight burners. I maybe lost count at some point. Oh, shit, no, you were absolutely right.

There were eight burners. Instead, Bob, you get to sell me. Oh. What does that mean? What does that mean? Marcus to choose what you sell. His round already went. So his rebuttal, he can't use any verbs.

Oh, so I can use verbs. He can't use verbs. Wait, why am I getting punished for this? No, well, you get to choose what he has to sell. So you get to choose the item. What? But you're punitive. is you don't get to use verbs in your rebuttal.

Wow. Don't worry, there's other ones on here that do things to the same person or other person. All right, he's also an oven salesman. Okay, also an oven salesman. Oh man, the poop shoes. My friend here, well, he was really focusing on the stove. He said there's a dual zone oven and then he went on and on about how many burners there were. I am here to tell you about the of master, 9,001.

Shit. Which does have a burner and some knobs or whatever the fuck. It has one big fucking burner on it. How many burners do you need? You need a thing that makes here. But what this baby lacks in stove, it makes up for in ovens. She's girthy. She's got legs. And this bad boy has not one, not two, not three not four

not five not six not seven not eight but a secret ninth dick oven right in the dead center of where you're going to want to be

standing while you're cooking your masterpieces with this bad mama yes it's a stove yes you can boil pasta on it but how many other ranges are going to allow you to cook eight and one hot dogs worth of different dishes all at one time. That's right. This is the of master 9,001. I'm going to put it in red so that it seems good, better than green.

It starts at $1 down and $3,600 a month for the next 72 months. It's in the fine part of the contract. One dollar. Here, I'll fancy it up. One and I'll give you a double dollar sign. Asterisk. What a rebuttal. Where else are you going to get secret dick oven? Mark, do you want a rebutt with no verbs? Oh. Oh.

Me? Yeah, man. I hear. I'd surprise. Oh, the noun. A surprise. O oven Foo, oh, it runs no, out, oh, color out

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, secret eight, dual zone, Doolzone, on side. On the side. is not verb No verbs on the side, got it No, no, is not Is it is a verb I think so

Fuck Hey, that's a verb The noun You've seen the fuck over there Food, heat, life Love Hang that in our kitchen, food heat life Salt, heat, power

Not one plug plug no how plug not one not two not three not four not five nine not seven not eight nine that's a sad plug ten plug wow power from from from from power tower this out window. This window. Window. Power tower.

Wisdo. Gz. Oh. Oh, God. Gip. Here. Thanks. Not coal.

Oven. Fuck. Oh. No. Not cold oven fuck the down 9,0002 volt No, that don't matter Amp is amp verb No, it's amperage isn't it or amp ears I don't know

9,0002 amp deluxe gold edition Oh wow After steak on two, two, to, TikTok

clock? Yep. It after two steak clock. No, steak on, then then

to this count. Oh. 9, 99, 9, 9, 9. Wow, got a lot cheaper.

Please, you know, please, you know, buy, buy? Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, I can do that. Now, by rule, that's the three rounds. Fuck the noun. All right, if I can have the screen back for just one second. Okay, so since you're rebutting the rebutt, I'm going to make you also use no verbs.

Good, easy. This, one dollar. This. No, wait. 999.9.9.9. 9.99. 9. 9. 9. 9. 9. 9. 9.1. Me. You. I feel like there are far less verbs than I thought there were, but I didn't want to risk it. Mark, I'm going to give you that one. Oh, yeah. I love the $1 price, but I'm smart of to have heard the asterisk in the 72 months of $3,200 payments or whatever. it was. I started $600 in money. I think. It's nine

ovens. It is a lot of ovens. You could be a man who owns nine ovens, but I guess you won't. The secret ninth dick oven. That is pretty good. Don't knock it until you've tried it. I've got so many prompts, but I'm just going to save it for another day. We're going to do more. Yeah, we'll do a sequel of this. Well, this is a fun one. I'm going to have to get better at drawing an MS. Paint. A skill set I've ever developed. I was not expecting the four to five rounds. I was not expecting the art or the four to five rounds. That was a nice bonus.

I gotta not use the watercolor. I don't know how that. No, it was perfect and I loved every minute of it. Look great, good. I'll use it every time. So let me go through the points. Bob, you got points for poop, relatable pets, pink feet art. You got three asterisk points.

Cool, cool. You won the shoe round. One big burner. Thick oven. Not one. Nine plus dick oven. Red, better, $1 down, small print, fine print, fine print.

And then $1 or $9,99, giving you a total of 11 points. Yeah, baby. Mark, you got points for Oscars art. I was not expecting an artsy episode, so I gave you a point early on for doing some art for the Oscars. Thank you.

You got a sniper point. All right. Actual Patoos nudes? Is that something we said at one point? I don't know what the fuck that is. I don't know what he was trying to write, but that's something he wrote at one point. Actual Ptoos nudes.

Actual pictures, I think I was saying. Oh, pictures. You got Poto Pippo? Poto people, yep. Poto Pippo point. Thank you. Zordon for making me remember the Power Rangers guy. You were nice to me.

So you got a nice to me point. I was nice to you. Yeah, but it was right after you insulted me that he said something nice, so I had to give him the point at that point. Fuck. Because you were mean right before. The noun? The done.

As above so below point. Thank you. Not Fed-Day. We want to make sure you all know. It's not Fed-D-E-H. This is sounding like a lot of mark points. We don't even do it to the second round yet. We are, well, I gave him a lot of Oscars points.

He had a lot of Oscars. Oh, there you go, there you. Yeah, Bob, this might have been rigged against you from the start with the Oscars. Oh, God. Oh. Not one. This was before Bob's nine dick of him, but not one.

Not two, not three. Dot, dot, dot, dot. But eight. and I drew a circle for stove. Sure. Green, so it's good. Because that made me laugh. Surprise the noun.

10 side plugs. Power, tower, window. You did well with the no verbs. At least it made me laugh really hard with the no verbs. And then fuck the noun. Came around. Fuck the noun. Giving you 16 points.

Right now, you're 16 to 11. 16 to 11 right now. Oh. Well, that feels pretty balanced. He had a lot of Oscars points. It was a lot of small talk points. Hey, I could go to the Oscars, too. I was just taking it easy this week.

Yeah, that's fair. You would have had a similar experience as me. Well, next week when you go to the Oscars, you get all the points for it. I didn't realize that was going to be worth so many points on this show. I would have participated. I wasn't expecting Patus, Newts, and Potoh, Poto people. Well, let's see how many pointless spins we can have today. I bet it's gonna be one

You know to be fair there are ways To completely manipulate this I thought it was gonna be one Three spins Like how the wheel rewinds itself After you spit it was all like Wait What happened? Oh my god

It's not displaying words anymore because it's too much shit We officially got too money Now it's just a mystery wheel Oh so we won't even know what it is until it pops Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's kind of exciting. Wade, what are we adding? All right.

I'm going to add screwed from the start, because Bob, I feel like today you might have been screwed from the start. Mark had so many points from the small talk. You just, you didn't have much of a chance. So you can have a screwed from the start point if it lands on it. Yeah, if it lands on it. Interesting. Oh, there they are.

Wait, I see them now. Oh, wow, they're so tiny. What did they update this app? What the hell? It's never done this before. Now it scales the text size. We lost part of our. P's. You do something to the winner.

All right. All right, spin number one. Well, now the words are so small, I can't fucking really tell anyway. Best Mental Image. Oh, best mental image, man. I talked about a lot of dog poop, baby throw up, and dogs throw up made of dog poop. I didn't even try and describe the smell. I was just giving you imagery alone. Yeah, but remember the angry guy with his dick out and all the Mr. Potato

ads, remember all those? There was a lot of images. I drew shoes. You remember all the shoes I drew? You did. I don't know that I would call poop the best mental image, even though your descriptions, Bob, as always, are amazing. Best is meaning the same thing as like most vivid to me right now.

Not most pleasant. Most vivid. That makes sense that that would mean that to you right now? Yeah. Right now, that's what that means. I'm just going to go ahead and tack that point on to your opponent, Bob. All right. Okay, well, that seems a little excessive.

I just think of Feté's face Yeah, remember Mark's never going to invite The Oscars again, man That's not a mental image That's just an image It's not a mental image at all You're right

But it was a guy It was the guy in people's The listeners count This guy is dismissing the listeners Spin number two Whoa Whoa What happened?

I accidentally clicked twice I didn't know what was going to happen I thought I might have deleted the whole thing for a second Man, I thought you were just choosing where it landed now. Surprise golf rules. Whoa. So it was just shocking.

Bob gets six points. Who put that on there? All right, spin number two, and I won't click it twice. Here we go. Most dread to participate? Oh, man. Who is dreading participating in this game the most? I can tell you, we had St. Patrick's Day dinner over at Mandy's parents' house tonight.

And I was fucking exhausted because we haven't, James has not had child care so far this week. it's been fun but I've just been hanging out with them all day Monday and Tuesday when normally I'd be doing like recording or streaming or whatever we had dinner and I was sitting there after we ate and I was like I'm dreading dreading the recording because I'm so tired so like I legitimately said I think I'm dreading the recording because I'm so exhausted and Mark was excited to share his Oscars experience Bob you know what you can have that one I can't argue

all right Bob just needs five points the tie six points to win I'm not out of it yet I said the fucking wheel Rewinding itself I'm really off-putting Whatever update this app did I don't like it It is a little off-putting Spin number three

All right The third and final spin Unless it's add two spins Ford doesn't apply Smallest violin point Oh you know what Well it's gotta go to Bob Eh

Yeah I gotta give that one to Bob Doesn't even matter Who fucking cares It doesn't matter It's what stupid Well, I mean, it affects the total points you have. Oh, okay. You wouldn't want to not have one more total point.

That'll save me. It's a respectable 17 to 13. Doesn't sound respectable. I have a lot of respect for that. I'm respectful about it. Are you? In fact, in my next episode, I will make the entry for the wheel the most respectful. There we go.

Because that's how much I respect it. I see. Bob, you know what, out of respect, I'm even gonna let you go first with the second place finish speech. Just give me a second here. If I could just have the screen for a second. Oh, of course. I just want to draw this so that everyone has a mental image of it. This is today's episode.

This, oh, he's, it's a three-dimensional drawing. Just, just, it's like that goes down. So this is Mark on top. There you go. Gold metal. And down here, yep, three dimensions. That's how dimensions work. This is me. Normal sized human, me. Down here. Look, my face may be sad, and Mark's face may be happy. And I may have a silver medal around my neck. But I think we can all see who the real winner is from this drawing. It's a really good drawing.

For the listeners, Bob was somehow, even though on the bottom step, still twice the size of Mark. Well, approximately four times as tall as Mark based on the scale of my drawing, which is lower accurate, I think. That's biblically accurate heights. It's all your. Congratulations, Bob, on being the real secret winner, I suppose. But Mark, the winner who counts in the standings, congrats, your winner speech. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I would like to draw your attention to this drawing. You may find this to be familiar, right?

There's a baseball game happening. Is there? There's a baseball game. What the fuck? Or is there a really angry UFO man with a green mustache? The St. Louis arch? Where are we? No, there's a baseball game happening over here with baseball man McGee about to swing his baseball bat.

Bad is brown. This bats wood, yeah, sure, that's right. Yeah, the bats wood, and then there's a dude over here, all like, I'm gonna catch it. Yep, here, I'm gonna catch that shit. What that's stance. He's squatting, he's squatting, he's squatting, he's squattin. I put her here, put her here. He's got that wood glove?

And he'd go like, oh, pow, put it right there. And then, you know, you got the pitcher doing the pitcher thing. He's about to, about to whip lash, wow, with an arm. Oh my, I can see why he's a pitcher. Right, okay. He's gifted. So you may know from Bob's diagram, yes, this is me here standing upon my...

Whoa. Whoa. I got crunched, barely. Oh, okay. I thought it was just a third leg. I thought you had a dick and one boob. No, no, no. Here's my three-dimensional boxes.

And yes, I may have to stand upon two of these boxes, right? And mayhap's Bob does, in fact, Uh, uh, have to stand on, uh, uh, uh. Classic. That's my classic hair. But you know, you know, you know what, in all honesty, guess who's got more boxes? Because I got not one, not two, not three, but I believe I have four more boxes. And there's other boxes over here because we have, I have a total of 17 boxes. Wow, okay.

And that's a box. And there's another. box. I might have stepped on him. And Bob's not even using his boxes. Oh, how many is he get? He has 13 boxes. Oh, and I'd say that made all the difference for me to be able

to see the baseball game, but we're equal. Well, I mean, are we? Yes, actually, we are. Do you count Bob's straight-up Marge Simpson's hairdo? Anyway, I just want to point that out. Blanc, and then red for bad. And green for good. What the fuck?

I don't even remember my own bits. Well, the points were done a while ago, boys, but great speeches. If I could just have the screen for a second. I just want to point out one thing. I just want to point out one thing. If you could come here with me, I just want to point out one thing. I just keep stealing my drawing. I just want to put out.

I just want to get this out here. If we draw, I'll not even cheat, if we draw a straight line across the top of the heads, And if we assume that green is in fact good and red is in fact bad, I think we can see whose hair do just barely makes it into the green area in Mark's own drawing. Drawing. I rest my case. Thank you.

I thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, Bob, I gotta give you the completely worthless after effects after speeches are done point there because you won that part. I did. You didn't have to tell me that. I know I won. It's clear.

I'm even going to make a note, speech winner. This was really an episode for the listeners if there's ever been one. I hope our descriptions of the images were vague and confusing and you have no idea what the Oscars looked like. You have no idea what poop looks like and you have no idea what we look like. Oh, they know what poop looks like. I need to think about that one If you haven't already Go follow Bob

The Art and Pooh Master At My Skirm Go follow Mark Not getting invited by Back to the Oscars ever again Never Follow me, Bald at Minion 777 or Lord Million 777

I do nothing that interesting And I guess stay tuned for the next And we have merch sometimes At Distractable Dot Shop Yes There could be stuff there right now There might be stuff there tomorrow There might have been stuff yesterday

That's why you got to check all the time. We don't know, you don't know, unless you look. Stay tuned for the next episode, which right now I think will be next week. We're taking things a little slow and nice and enjoyable, which is why we can have 10,000 extra things for Sam and the lovely editing team to have to edit in, like all of our lovely drawings today. And all of you listeners and watchers out there, please come back for the next one.

We're begging you. We'll draw ourselves on our hands and knees, but we're not going to show any of you with that picture. Until then. If I could just have the screen for a second. I'm gonna.