Distractible - Camping

Episode Date: June 7, 2021

Mark recounts the legend of an insane creature from the Rocky Mountains. Bob explains how his formative kayaking trip almost ended like a horror movie, and Wade...well, Wade just does what Wade does... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production, with your hosts, Mark, Bob, and Wade. This week, the terrible trio cannery confabulate about the canvases and cookpots of Camelardery, the activity of camping. Please prepare thy bug spray, and enjoy the show. Hey guys, welcome to the Distractible podcast. Here we discuss anything that interests us and compete to see who can bring the most captivating welcome to the distractible podcast here we discuss anything that interests us and compete to see who can bring the most captivating stories to the table whoever brings the best stories as judged by me will be declared the winner of the podcast and will earn the right to host next week's episode and play the role of judge i'm wade barnes joined today by mark fishbach hey mark hello hi how are you i'm good good you sound great thank you and

uh bob myskins as well hi bob hello i appreciate that you said my whole name yeah you're welcome i could say like more if you want like your full five name name say myself to security tell my mother's maiden name street you grew up on first's name. Let's get it all out there. I got nothing to hide. We've known each other for a long time, but I know very little actually about you now that I think about it.

Like, I don't know your mom's maiden name. Wow. You know what we should do? We should actually do. There's 36 questions that are like scientifically proven to make people fall in love

with each other. Like, we should do that. We should fall in love with each other? No, just do the questions. They're very good for getting to know people. Yeah. Very deep questions. You know, we should get in love with each other no just do the questions they're very good for getting to know people yeah very deep questions you know we should get to know each other what's your favorite color what's your credit card number those don't seem like associated questions but okay

no what no one they logically follow you just have to pay close attention to the between the lines anyway we're uh we're gonna move on immediately before people think about that um what was what we're doing today i'm hosting an episode about uh actual voice crack oh my god what are we doing today guys no that was uh that was staged. I practiced that. I'm sorry, so what was the topic? Host who definitely knows. Oh, it's camping, traveling, doing stuff outdoors, the old vacation, anything and everything to do with that stuff. Okay, question.

A lot of stuff. Do we have to be the ones that are doing the stuff in the woods? Obviously. What does that mean? Oh, no. a lot of stuff do we have to be the ones that are doing the stuff in the woods obviously what is that me oh the no yeah no if it was like someone that i knew that did these things that i'm about to say and it wasn't me at all are they illegal where are we talking about in the woods i think that's what you just said a story about you murdering someone and trying to get away. No one said murder. I mean, I did. I was thinking sex. Murder, too, is what I meant. I was thinking murder, too.

Yeah, no. Anything goes. Bonus points to Mark for having that question. Oh, I got questions. You want questions? I got questions. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're giving out bonus points.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long is both your legs together and why do i need to know that you don't get to know the answer to that one that's a question for me how long is my legs together when is the next time you are going to bring chicken wings to my house because i miss when you used to do that i did i do that is that a different way just door dash them that you can just door dash him. That's fine. Just door dash me chicken wings like once a day.

I mean, I guess like, am I getting reimbursed? Or is this just me doing out of the kindness of my wallet? Out of the kindness of your heart, you a-hole. It's a friend. All right. Well, Mark, you do it for me. I'll do it for Bob. Well, I'm not your friend.

I take back those bonus points. How many bonus points do I get for my awesome questions? And how long are both your legs together? I'm actually curious. I'm going to say 12 bonus points, which is a good amount of wings to eat, but not enough for me, but a decent amount for how much I should eat. I got one more question for you. Oh, boy.

You want to go camping with me? I cautiously am saying yes. Excellent. That feels like a mistake i think so too but curiosity gets the best of me sometimes what are you a cat oh gee whiz what have you got yourself into this time um uh so i'm sorry. Did you say that out loud and think to yourself, all right, pause for the enormous laugh and just give him a second and...

Someone out there laughed. It'll come, it'll come. Keep pausing. I take back your bonus points too. You don't even give me bonus points. Well, I gave you some now, and I take them away, too. Oh, that seems unfair. Oh, God.

Judge, reel this in. Reel this in. Come on. Come on. Oh, yeah. So, all right, you little friends of mine. We're going to talk about camping. Do you all have your stories and tales and friends stories friend of a friend?

Stories that tell yeah, you know we do you know it Okay, I get bonus points if I'm in my own story because it actually happened It's not made up below you don't know what I did in the woods on June 22nd of 2011 you're right you don't know i feel compelled to give you bonus points because you asked for him so sure me no bob asked he said do i get bonus points or bait in my story oh you man you didn't ask me for bonus points can i have bonus points yeah i guess okay how many i reserve that knowledge till the end when i decide who i want

to win and i'll adjust accordingly just get on with it let's just get it all right all right whatever in the mouth all right everyone take a deep breath and then i don't know tell me the titles of your story or whatever no in i breathed. That's just not as audible. Fine, tell me the title in your story. That doesn't make any sense. Did you hear? Great, that was solid, guys. High fives all around.

Anyway, I'm going to read my title now. Yeah, please. For everyone listening at home, we do this professionally. The title of my story is... The Day the Mountain Swallowed. I kind of want to meet that mountain. I feel like that might beat mine, but mine kind of hangs with that. My story is entitled Out of the River and Into the Extender. That's pretty good.

Okay. I'm not going to lie. That's pretty good. Those are both pretty good, but uh, I'm a sucker for Swallowing work so you get to go hell. Yeah, how many points I get for that? Whenever you started begging it really maybe not want to give any so yeah, how many do I get? Or yes, or points anyway, okay, so the day the mountain swallowed. I want you all to close your eyes, okay? Imagine, imagine, imagine, imagine, imagine, imagine, imagine.

I went searching for the truth, and like a fool I found it. But some truths are best left undiscovered. Well, I turned around and there was, uh, it was bigger than I could imagine. And there it was. It was bigger than I could have imagined. The hikers claimed that when they turned around, it seemed as though their friend had simply vanished. When I turned around, my whole farm was gone. I don't believe in ghosts.

But when I turned around, I couldn't explain what I was seeing. This is Morbid Mysteries of the Missing Millennium. Viewer discretion is advised. Imagine you're out camping. You've been hiking all day. You're in the middle of nowhere in the mountainous regions of the Appalachian Mountains. Okay? Oh, sorry.

Rocky. Rocky Mountains. That's way harder to visualize. Those are the Swallowin Mountains. The Appalachian Mountains, they're the Spittin' Mountains. Okay, it's Rocky Mountains. It's way harder to visualize. Those are the Swallowin Mountains. The Appalachian Mountains, they're the Spittin' Mountains. Okay, it's Rocky Mountains, okay? You've made it up a lovely trail, very challenging. Not too challenging.

You don't want to push yourself too hard, but you're tired and you want to set up camp. And you find a nice little spot, like a plateau underneath the peak of the mountain. It's not too high up there. It's too cold. It's a nice little level area. And you set up your tent and you get, and you lay down your head to rest, and then you start to drift off to sleep when you hear the mountain start shaking. You're alone, right? This isn't alone.

Oh, yeah. You're camping alone by yourself. Who the hell goes camping alone? What a nerd. Anyway, I can tell you. When you say that I hear the mountain start shaking, is it like I hear the rumble, or do I hear the mountain has a fever, hear the mountain start shaking, is it like I hear the rumble, or do I hear the mountain has a fever and the mountain is all, and it's shaking because I'm trying to really accurately visualize where you want me to go.

It's a little bit of both. That's how weird it is. You hear the mountain rumbling, and you quickly run out of your tent for fear of maybe a volcano or something. And in the darkness lit by the moonlight, you look up on yonder mountain peak, and your eyes deceive you because you swear you see glimmering teeth. in the darkness lit by the moonlight. You look up on yonder mountain peak and your eyes deceive you because you swear you see glimmering teeth looming over you and then it rushes down the hill sliding, plowing trees out of the way. A

gaping mouth the size of a minivan is barreling towards you down from the peak of the mountain. You barely dive out of the way just in time for it to scoop up Your entire tent and then continue its journey across the plateau and down the lip down the rest of the mountain you hear the Cacophony of trees being munched and crunched as this monstrous beast the size of a whale slides down the mountain the slide rock bolter Ew

Lurking at the top of mountaintops by a hooked tail it lurks waiting for Unsuspecting creatures to be at the base of where its path would take it and it just opens its mouth and it slides down and Scoops everyone up alive. I'm gonna show you a picture of this thing. This is like I Can't I can't Windows Explorer has crashed on my computer Can't click and drag anything out of why can't I click and drag something out of win? I can't click and drag anything out of it. Why can't I click and drag something out of Windows?

Okay, hang on. AOL broadband is taking a moment to respond. Should we just Google it? If I press a button on... Oh, oh, oh, I'm opening a million Windows. Hang on. This is a professional podcast. It's a professional podcast. Okay, I'll put this in my stock photos folder.

It's under fire for some reason. I don't know, uh, hang on hang on hang on please tell us more about your uh I googled it because i'm not waiting for you. Hold on. Oh, wow. There it is. Boom Oh, there you go. That person in the middle is very dead. Oh, yeah, they fell. Yeah, that's no good This is a very big creature to be on top of a mountain waiting for like a raccoon to like one I mean this thing needs to eat bears. Look at it.

Well, I mean, yeah, but I mean, if you think about it, you know, if it gets a couple big animals, it's sliding all the way down the mountain. All it has to do is slowly crawl its way back up. It hooks at the tippy top and then it just like lets go when there's enough in the way. It's like bowling, but the pins are all lined up and they move and they scream I like the lady that's sitting next to the steam engine pipe on its back. There's someone on there. Yeah, I think that's a statue Oh look, I don't know look at the other picture. I submit it that one has less ridiculousness So this thing it is it oozes lube out of its mouth Mmm, I like the small in the first image better. Well, no. Shut up.

There's no ooze in that picture. That's a minus 30 points. Okay, whatever. It can't go negative. The lube! So I forgot about the story when you noticed your tent slowly filling with a viscous fluid. I failed to mention that.

Because it slobbers down the mountain and then it just slides and eats everything up. I was going to say, I'm having trouble with the scale of this. These are either some tiny little mountains in these depictions or friction does not exist for this animal, but it barfs out its own lube.

I got you. Got you. Yeah, the hook tail, the hook tail. See, the thing is, it looks like a whale, right? So maybe... It kind of looks like a giant catfish whale murder monster. Yeah, exactly. So some kind of offshoot of a whale

existed and lurked at the top of mountains. It's genius. Some kind of crazy-ass whale was like, you know what? Fuck water. Mountain tops. And reality was like, how are you going to climb to the top of a mountain whale that dies if you get 10 feet onto the beach and you're still half in the water but you're so heavy no one can get you back in the water so for some reason we explode

you and the whale's like fuck you my tail's a hook i'm on top of a mountain now fucking idiot how do whales don't whales have blow holes don't they breathe like normal air right there like real humans why do they die on the beach just because they can't move and eat they're fucking enormous they're huge have you seen a whale i get that but i mean like does it sit there for a while till they like starve like what kills them is that they dry out they're supposed to be in the water wade they can't move the food they eat is in the water their friends and family are in the water. Yeah, I'm just saying, like, I didn't know if it was something with their skin,

like if their skin dries out or if it was the starvation or, you know, what it was. They don't get 5C phone service. That's water only. That would kill me. It's got to be 5C. I really appreciate that joke. I appreciate that you laughed at that. Mark laughed.

I laughed. An extra 20 points, Bob. We all know that Bob's whale humor is just top notch. Why'd you confuse me with a whale? His whale humor, his Wade humor. It's a niche that you don't get to explore very frequently. But when I go into whale humor, everyone around me is in danger of death by laughter it's is really a fascinating endeavor many an improv scene has been based on the the mechanics of whales but what i imagine is because

when they're in the water you know the buoyancy of water it helps like keep them not squooshed down from gravity um and uh their lungs probably get smooshed if they're on the beach that's what i imagine i think the technical terms is smooshed are you marine biologist yeah that's me yes yes phd in whale smooshing if it's not artificial is it official smoosh nation would that be the well i think the opposite of art would be science official ah science official science official smoosh nation so could this have been like you know someone, someone was like Jurassic Parking a whale, like, you know,

flying it around and they dropped it on the mountain, but the whale was so drooly it found a way to survive? Yes. Okay. I'm going to go with yes. I'm going to go with absolutely yes. There's so many different types of depictions of this thing. Yeah.

Everyone needs to agree on how drunk they were and what exactly they hallucinated because the variation here between all these different things is really killing my immersion. Holy shit. I found my favorite one. That's the one, guys. That's a baby bolter. It's like a little

footworm monster. Ah, man. That's adorable. You gotta imagine, like, it must be, it's gotta be, like, somewhat effective, cause if it's so big, all it's gotta do is slide down, it just, like, kinda makes sense if you think about it. How long does it

take to get back to the top of the mountain with its hook, tail, and long, otherwise limbless body? I don't know, I've never observed it in the wild. I've only read stories about it. Does it have like an anti-gravity gland where it can just slide back up on its own lube trail?

No, probably not, but we could say yes if that makes you happier. It does. Okay, it does. It has an anti-gravity gland that just makes it fly right up. Can I say something about the... Have you guys seen Godzilla vs. King Kong? No, have not yet.

No. Okay, there's a scene in there where they use a bunch of helicopters to lift King Kong. And it made me so mad. Because they had like 20 helicopters. And you'd think, okay, 20 helicopters, you know, that can lift a lot. King Kong is the size of a building. A building weighs like 200 000 tons and like people did the math of what king kong would weigh if those helicopters at their max capacity was lifting king kong and it's like

works out to 130 kilograms or 130 tons sorry 130 tons but 130 tons like like how heavy is a like He's a size of a building so how much is a truck no hang on shut up but the the Falcon 9 How heavy how You all right marks yeah, yeah okay falcon nine weighs like uh 550 000 kilograms which is like you know 550 tons in metric like it just am i on air like they could do a lot of stretches for science but king kong does not weigh 130 tons like have you ever considered maybe they fed king kong a bunch of helium to make him lighter before they lifted him? I did not.

Did they shave off his fur? Because, you know, damp monkey fur can be pretty heavy. No, they didn't. And they just took him out of the ocean so it would have been very damp. The smell alone must have been horrible. Oh, man. Well, helicopters blow down so the air would have been pushed down, not up. It's going over a city and people are like, look, Ma!

That's more likely, yeah. I'm assuming he was unconscious that he was participating in an airlift. But I like the vision of a King Kong suspended by a bunch of ropes like a big puppet flying over a city, hurling bust-sized turds all around the city as he's being transported over wherever,kyo or wherever this took place i don't know it's usually in like japan or something right yeah yeah what a way to go what you see this giant turd the government officials on tv like yes yes we know about the giant turd situation please stay inside it's been eating a lot of soft food so it should be

pretty squishy it's just a matter of cleaning it up as long as you don't get a direct hit we really need him to go fight the giant lizard monster okay god man imagine if you aren't killed right away imagine if you have to suffocate it's like an avalanche but it's just a huge shit you're like buried 20 feet under just laying there unable to move like Assuming a firm stool a loose stool might be scarier even I don't know either way not good and then But I'm more outraged at the incorrect science than anything. I'm back in the weird whale worm Salamander monster or just a whale. don't know man i still feel like friction is a big problem lube lube lube has limits lube has no limits like the old sex ed song they always

made us sing in middle school lube has limits have there been any advances in lube technology lately that's a good question the greatest lubricant innovation in the last decade. What the hell? By Hank Hogan. What the fuck? Hank the Toolman Hogan? Water mix metal working fluids which are formaldehyde free and boron free. Was this in lube? I think you need organic lube technology because clearly this is synthetic.

I'm pretty sure that the whatever the hell mountain bolter douchebag is, it's an organic substance. Oh, this is for like engine lube. This is a different lube. That's what Bob was saying, but in a more professional manner, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I apologize. I'll consult lubetech.com and get informed. You carry on with whatever you were going to say, Bob.

Well, I suppose it's time for me to tell my story or whatever. Yeah. Can you guys try for something with no lube, mountains, or whale catfish eating you in your sleep? Probably. Sure. I kind of made it sound like it was going to be worse, but it's not. Trust me. It's cool.

I can't tell if you're underselling this story or overselling it. Or perfectly median selling it. I'm dead on selling it. I can't tell if you're underselling this story or overselling or perfectly median selling it I'm dead on selling it so my story for your consideration out of the river and into the exodus

so this story comes from the summer right after I graduated from high school summer of 2007 the summer right before I met you fellers at college nice uh all my high school buddies and i were going to different schools some of them were going to school together but no one else was coming to the university of cincinnati well none of my like close group some random people but i didn't care about them and we were like we gotta celebrate this this is a milestone we're done we graduated we made it we survived and so all the guys were

like you know what we should do a trip like a like a group trip that we'll all remember we can bond and uh the trip turned out to be an unbelievably epic journey that i literally remember vividly have not forgotten a day in my life and also it's a thing i would never have signed up for had i known going in what it was if someone came to me and was like this is what we're doing are you in i would have been like no i'm good but because i i all in and it was with my buddies and i let them plan it i got sucked into this crazy ass journey and so for context the group that was going on this trip was five guys two of us were normies the other three were all Eagle Scouts.

Which if you don't know, is like the highest rank you can achieve in Boy Scouts. We know, we all know Tyler. You go on all these like crazy high adventure things, like you go to this place in like New Mexico where you backpack for like two or three weeks, like Boy Scout stuff, like imagine stereotypical. They're into that, camping, canoeing, whatever.

Me and normie friend let the eagle scout boys plan our little trip so it comes to like the saturday morning where we're all going we drive to like the middle of nowhere basically they've told us it's a camping trip they didn't give us like no prep but they were like you know we'll have we got tents and stuff coming on our ass we'll bring all the campy stuff just bring what you think you'll need for like camping like maybe bug spray sunscreen whatever pack a lunch and normie friend and i were like okay okay i can handle that like you know cooking wieners on the campfire or whatever so we leave super fucking early so we can get to this place early in the morning and do what we're gonna do we arrive at like 8 a.m and this place that rents kayaks and canoes and everyone is like hyped I've never

done kayaking or canoeing in my life but how hard can it be you sit down the river pushes you I'm like how hard can this be we're just gonna sit and hang out for a few hours and like go down this river and so we get the whole spiel the guy's giving us life jackets explaining how it works and he's like okay I'm gonna drive you up river so he starts driving us we all get in his big van starts driving us to the starting point it takes way longer than i would have thought like a solid 45 minute drive and in the back of my mind i'm like the cars go pretty fast like we weren't like crawling we're going like you know 40 miles an hour 45 and i was like how long is this kayak trip like maybe it's really windy maybe it takes way longer to drive up there i'm still here i'm on board and normie friend and i i think are sharing the same thing because he's

starting to look a little concerned we finally get there 45 minutes later we get to the place where there's just like a pile of kayaks by the side of a river and that's it we all get out of the van and dude's like all right here you go this is your starting point uh have fun guys and like drives away and the eagle scouts are very dutifully like putting their waterproof bags onto their kayaks and getting set up and normie and i are like so what do we we just put one of these in the water and it's not promising at this point we learn we have fully committed to and have no way to get out of a 26 mile kayak journey down the river now for someone who has never kayaked before wait i've canoed is 26 miles by river a long way from what i understand if you're going on like a casual like saturday family canoe trip you might do like four to eight miles low-key sorry i just

googled longest kayak and like trying to get like a journey and i just got this thing you got an actual long kayak for everyone at home maybe this will be on the website. There's like 80 people on this kayak. I don't know if it's photoshopped. Is this real? It's a foot long hot dog of a kayak with like 30 people in it. How do you turn around? Yeah how do you turn? That's a huge river but there's still how do you turn? You've got to block traffic across an entire river to turn around. Oh my god L.L. Bean celebrates 100 years with the world's longest modular kayak this thing is how long is this it's 500 feet long how long would that stop traffic in the suez canal oh my god holy shit that i i still don't think that's as long as the no way no way the suez canal it was definitely longer than 500 feet yeah i'm pretty sure pretty sure. It's 1,312 feet.

That would make this kayak look shrimpy as hell. I think a boat should always make a kayak look shrimpy. We can go farther. We can go bigger. I would love to have been here for this kayak situation, and they start, like, paddling away, and it just starts breaking apart. Because it said modular, right?

Yeah, yeah. So it's just a bunch of segments like stuck together with pins or just like wedged together i don't know how it works but like yeah like the front breaks off and the back starts spinning around and no one would sink because it's like one of those where you sit on top and it floats no matter what yeah it's like a titanic situation where just like one inch of people Someone in the middle starts freaking out rolls the whole thing over Yeah. Person in front

is like iceberg turn left What? What? What? That's like one elderly couple in a duo kayak like enjoying a scenic river and this thing just comes like full speed no turning no stopping

the apocalypse of kayaks what do they do if they come across like a slight waterfall or something but like the front end just hang off as the rest of it like has to catch up absolutely it would turn into a water slide so it would reach all the way over and then down and everyone in the back would slide. Person at the front definitely drowns as the hundreds of other people slide down onto them. I love this kayak. Oh, anyway, sorry. So that's basically what we were dropped off to,

but, like, shorter. And so this is where the serious issues start to really shine for my normie friend and myself they had told us to pack a lunch right they didn't say pack a waterproof lunch maybe they did and i missed it our eagle scout friends had these bags that like are waterproof no matter what like put your cell phone in it. Keeps it safe. Totally watertight. Normie, friend, and I had lunch bags, brown paper lunch bags with just, like, a sandwich in it. And the kayaks that we had, they were the open top kind where you sit on top and you, like, you put your bag behind you or in between your legs. There's no enclosure. There's no dry compartment.

It's a floating log that you have to sit on top of and paddle down the river. And so like, this is the first inkling where I'm seriously considering like, Ooh, this is going to be a little more than I anticipated, but like, it'll be fine. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. And so we all get our boats. The Eagle Scouts are trying to teach us how kayaking works. And I'm like, it's a paddle. It's fine's fine it's not that easy it takes a lot of core strength to sit up in a kayak i don't know if you've ever done it it's very wobbly but uh finally we're in the water we're going everything's fine no one gets you know your feet get wet no lunches get wet we go for maybe like half a mile maybe less and we come across uh the river being not

a river at all it's gravel and not like a little bit of gravel like a couple hundred feet of dry as a bone gravel across the whole thing as it turned out there was not a very good rainy season that spring and the entire river was low your lunch was saved so yeah my lunch wasn't gonna get wet neither was the kayak or my feet or anything else. The way you resolve this is you have to get out, drag your kayak over the dry part, and get back in on the other side. This quickly became a theme of the trip. The entire river is low. 26 miles. I think possibly 20 of those miles were dry dragging our dumbass kayaks over non-floating surfaces

and like for again another tip for beginning kayakers getting in and out without it dumping over and looking like a total dumb ass is like the hardest part kayaks are not inherently stable and like every time getting in and out is like a gamble of like oh am i gonna bust my head open on some rocks or is this fine anyway so that's river trial number one it goes on for the entire trip i also looked up a kayak weighs about 35 pounds so you're carrying a toddler with you it's way way more than dragging a large toddler across a gravel bed does that include the weight of the paddles paddles are not heavy they're just awkward they're long but they're pretty lightweight they're like hollow metal tubes but so just quickly dovetails into river

trial number two which is that my kayak was slowly gaining weight. That's always a good sign. It turned out somehow of the mountain of kayaks that were sitting at the start, I picked one with like a pinhole in it. Yeah. So it's slow. So, and the pinhole is not like on the bottom. It's like on the side somewhere,

but I'm a big boy. And so as I'm sitting drowning this poor kayak, it's slowly filling with water the whole time and not where it's like, I'm sitting there and two minutes later as I'm sitting drowning this poor kayak, it's slowly filling with water the whole time and not where it's like I'm sitting there and two minutes later, I'm like, oh, I'm sinking. Hours later, we realize my kayak is filled with like a few gallons of water at this point, which is not enough to sink it, but it's enough that like my butt started to get wet, right? Like the whole thing is drooping in the water.'s a serious issue we've totally fucked at this point with a slowly sinking non-fixable kayak that i have to drag across a bunch of dry spots in the river so luckily the resolution is that we

eventually come to another spot apparently there were shorter trips along this river and so we come to another spot a drop-off spot where it's like this was not a kayak drop-off spot unfortunately but there were canoes so one of my friends sacked his kayak and i dumped my sinking piece of kayak and we grab a canoe if you know anything about canoes canoe paddles are short and maneuverable because you got to sort of paddle on both sides of canoe kayak paddles are maybe twice or three times as long as canoe paddles but that's all we have so ours two idiots well me idiot and evil scout friend climb into this canoe and try and pilot it with these giant fucking unwieldy kayak paddles there weren't canoe paddles with the canoes no they were just canoes piled up there you get the paddles from the place

where you park your car. I mean, if you think about it, you probably could have made a canoe paddle. You did have three Boy Scouts, or Eagle Scouts with you, rather. We considered cutting our kayak paddles in half, but we thought that the dude who owned the place might find that kind of rude. That's his fault. He was driving you up the mountain. He didn't look out the window and be like, Oh, the river's kind today i don't know if i should no he knew he definitely knew but he didn't say

shit in the car ride up there he may have been like there might be some low spots you can be fine just drag it over he fucking knew knowing you own a kayak canoe rental place and you don't know that your river is totally shit and mostly rocks. But this leads us to the grand finale of the river. Trial number three. The log. The log. This is a common occurrence. So we had one guy in the front who sort of knew what he was doing and the rest of us were following.

And he would pick out the route, right? Sometimes in the parts where you could float, there would be be like obstacles it'd be like a rock or get narrow or whatever and the whole time he's like rock log and he's pointing things out and we're all going around it at some point there's this blind turn and we see him disappear around the turn ahead of us and he just calls out from the distance like log and we're like okay there's a log somewhere and uh the other guy in the kayak at this or the other one of the other guys in the kayak at this point is like cool i got this and goes speeding around this corner and just fucking nails the log perfectly like not like he nicked it and it

tipped him over he dug the nose of his kayak into the log the back swung around and he blocked the whole river with his kayak oh my god it's a suez canal i knew it oh he did that he suezed us that's exactly what he did damn and he fell out so he was like floating kind of away he couldn't move his kayak a and a kayak are coming around this blind corner to a fully blocked off river everyone went in the water except for the douchebag in the front who looked so smug about the whole thing but as you recall two of us normie idiots and our lunches packed in brown paper bags let me tell you what else is not waterproof a cheap ziploc bag that you put your sandwich in and didn't seal very carefully because you

didn't think you'd be needing to keep river water out uh a cheap water bottle that doesn't really seal very well and you'll have to keep upright or it leaks out and or river water leaks into it none of my food was waterproof at this point yeah so i ate a soggy sandwich for lunch i didn't eat the chips they didn't fare very well but the log stole my food and i'm still pretty upset about it didn't you say at the beginning of this this was the most epic adventure that you would like remember for the rest of your life i do i this i this is not scripted out i didn't write any of these details out i'm remembering this and actively becoming increasingly angry about it as i'm remembering all the shit that happened you said it was to the axe murderers

den and i'm like where between the axe murderers den and now does it get to the epic adventure part that's it that's the epic adventure pretty much i mean so so for the river that's it the rest of it is we get to the end we started at like 9 a.m on the river yeah we got to where our car was parked at about 8pm i want to say almost 12 whole hours of kayaking literally my entire hands were blisters everything hurt i hated everything the douchebags who knew how to kayak were like yeah that's pretty good but like i thought i was gonna die but then we get to the end of the river and we have to camp and as it turns out the campsite we booked is an axe murderer's fucking murder valley so we're in northern ohio right so we turn all our shit in we're like okay we just gotta go set up camp it's already dark because the kayak

trip took way longer than we thought from the kayak place we drove into the deepest valley and it was so dark. Like, it was dark out, but when you drive down into a valley that's got trees and stuff in it, it gets darker, right? There's no sunlight coming in. It gets darker and darker as you go down. It was one of those valleys where it's just, like, filled with mist. It wasn't really foggy out on the surface, but as we descended to where we were camping, it was like driving into a bowl of fog. Couldn't see maybe 20 feet in front of the car,

driving deeper, can't see maybe 10 feet in front of the car. We find the campsite by parking the car, getting out with our phone flashlights or whatever and like kicking the dirt around until we find a fire pit. We're like, okay, this must be a campsite. We aim the car headlights towards the fire pit. If you know how light works in fogs,

you can't see shit. Like you just, all you see is fog in front of your face everywhere. And it felt, it honestly felt like we were in a horror movie in the place where the axe murderer lives in a cabin in the woods and waits for unsuspecting teens to come camp. It was with the,

with the fog swirling with everyone having flashlights and trying to do stuff, shadows were whipping everywhere. And of course we couldn't fit everything in one car. So we had to do two trips, right? I don't know how we drove all, we all drove up in one car from, from home, but we had to like take very, a couple of us over, I guess it was people drying stuff off and trying to get ready so me and one other of the eagle scout boys were like the first team to get driven over the car dropped us off and we started working and then the car guy was like all right i'm gonna go pick up the other two dudes and it was just me and eagle scout boy with handheld flashlights in the misty darkness of a valley at like 9 00 p.m 9 30 p.m we're trying to assemble a tent we're trying to

get some kind of fire going the fire makes it worse fire like dances and it makes the shadows flicker all around it felt like we were a two of us were alone there for like hours we were probably alone for like 20 minutes when they went to get you know pick up our other friends and we were literally having panic attacks at some point we stopped doing anything to get the you know, pick up our other friends. And we were literally having panic attacks. At some point we stopped doing anything to get the camp ready and stood back to back with our flashlights, just looking out into the mist like, hello, we're boys, so don't kill us. It's not fun to kill teenage boys.

The best thing you can do when there's no visibility is make a loud noise to announce where you are. The axe murderer can see in the fog everybody knows that that's what you know if you can go into a foggy area and all your friends like man it's foggy and you can see everything you know what you're gonna do like a career test yeah the career fair there's just a foggy corner there's a there's a whole tent at the career fair foggy room with like letters on the wall there's a person asleep you see if you sneak into their dreams there's a there's a bunch of tvs and you see if you can come out of them yeah they're all playing static but if you could speak through

one and go out another you know one loner kid walks into the tv room and all the tvs just like become faces and they start talking and the people at the career fair are like we go this is why we do what we do you know you know what little girl your job is chosen your destiny is fulfilled the salary is minimum wage you can't do anything i hate career day too but i don't remember it being this fucking terrifying that's because you couldn't see in the fog you just weren't fit you're more of a fire watcher type yeah you're not wrong

I don't know if that's what you want to be saying to a judge but honestly I appreciate your honesty Bob 30 points have I gotten any points he told you you got a bunch of points but then he deducted something did you? I didn't hear how many points I got some probably

I don't care Bob continue the story so that's pretty much it I didn't hear. How many points I got? Some. Probably. I don't care. I don't care. Shut up. Bob, continue the story. I mean, so that's pretty much it. Like, our friends come back. We cook some hot dogs over the fire and hang out. Once all five of us are there, it feels like, you know, even if something happened, we could

all take them. The Eagle Scouts have got some, you know, knives or whatever, pocket knife sort of things. We're fine. We're safe. And we sleep in the tents. And, like, that's one of the most exhausted nights of sleep i've ever had because camping you're not comfortable it's not a bed right it's like it's like an inflatable pad and a sleeping bag i laid down and my whole body was just like oh yes oh and then i fell right asleep and like everything just hurt and i just i slept

so hard but um but yeah, we were fine. We woke up, we went home the next morning. That trip, describing it and even hearing myself tell it back, it sounds miserable, right? Like it sounds kind of terrible for me. I love it. I fucking love that I have that experience. Me and those four other dudes share this crazy ass experience

that all these nonsense things happen and we had all these problems and that i feel like i will literally remember for the rest of my life and remember those guys i love stories like that where everything is just like while it's happening it's just shit just garbage everything goes wrong but you get to the end of it and you're just like man we did we shared that we did that together We did that together. We survived, man. Like our tour. We survived, man. Terrible.

Garbage. But man, we did it. Every minute of that. Yeah, man. I've had days like that. But on a different note, I thought that story was going to end with you being like, and that day I was killed by an axe murderer. My ghost has haunted ever since.

You thought the ending of the story Bob is alive here telling us today was going to end in his death? No, that's the crazy part. He's been dead all along. Anyway, sorry. But yeah, the hard days are the most rewarding. Nope, I still hate all the ones I've

lived through. It has to be the right kind of hard. Yeah. The wrong kind of hard just sucks. And the right kind of lube to help get through hard just sucks. And the right kind of lube. It helps get through it. Oh, God, I remembered this time that Amy and I, I did kayak before because it was either kayaking or canoeing and we were on the river and

it was totally normal except this other set of kayaks to the right. Like, in the middle of the journey, someone discovered that someone else had cheated on them like with a person they were kayaking with and they started screaming we were in kind of a group like there was like 20 of us like not we didn't all know each other but we all departed at the same time sure and then they just started screaming and echoing in the valley and then they

pulled off to one of those gravel pits that you were talking about and they got out of the canoe and they started like throwing their battles around and they started fighting each other like holy shit and everyone just started calling the police and we're on the river all of us on ourselves like yeah, I don't know how you're gonna get here, but uh You guys have like police canoes? Come down here with the Canoes. Come down here with the... Police canoes. River police.

They got police seals. It was violent enough to call the police. I mean, I guess that makes sense. That's kind of a rough topic. I mean, they were fighting. Like, they were... It was not just screaming. As soon as they got on land, fists were flying.

They were throwing their water cooler. Like, it was going down. We all, like, stopped talking. We were just floating in the river. And when we started floating by, like, none of was going down we all like stopped talking we were just floating in the river and when we started floating by we're like none of us we're all looking just like a dozen kayaks everyone's sitting motionless randomly drifting around not pointing down river or anything like pointing in random directions everyone just sitting there like oh yeah i mean exactly god flow faster come on river come on just going through the worst moment of your life and you look over and 20 people are

floating by in dead silence just staring at you i mean yeah but they were too preoccupied to know anything i mean we really were just like well we can we can't paddle faster. Cause would that be weird? Like, are we running away from it? Should we keep an eye on it? Like, it was just like a bunch of internal debates. How does that come out in the middle of a canoe? Is the person who did it just like, all right, we're surrounded by people. There's no weapons nearby.

Hey, I cheated. I'm imagining the fight was between two dudes. And at some point they were all just on the river. And the one dude and his girlfriend were sort of hidden there. and the other dude kayaked up next to him and was just like hey jessica you remember when we had sex the other night and then brad was like whoa jeremy what the fuck and then they pulled off in the gravel pit to like paddle joust and work it out that's actually pretty much it i didn't know the originating cause but it did kind of escalate like that it started with a big old what the fuck and you know just like a splash in water at each other

Like total inexperienced Kayakers like weak armedly splashing at each other like trying not to fall out of their kayak every move is like it's blue It's like you're instantly in an episode it was that show ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I imagine it was like a nice conversation the dudes like hey man look don't you worry about it? You're not a third wheel at all. We're just happy to have you here with us the dudes like well Actually, you're the third wheel what yeah, I was sleeping with your girl for like two years. She's mine now All right dead silence is the reaction thanks guys. I mean what am I gonna say yes, that is how Yes, good one any, like maybe just breathing, I don't know, just a noise would have been better.

It was an example of what we were doing during the kayak pass by. That's kind of how I felt. Bob, 300 points for your story. Mark, you get 400 points for making me Google lube, but you told me to shut up, I think, four times, which is a deduction of 120 points, so Bob Bob you win

I was trying really hard to steer this to give Mark a win but like I just couldn't not deduct all the points what about the whole long kayak thing does that give me anything that's about my story come on now I got kayaks in here he did find the image of the long kayak that's

true that's pretty funny that's extra 50 points does he win or does i win i don't care about the numbers i kind of have lost track at this i know i'm gonna say i'm gonna call it a tie you both lose and uh bob didn't tell me to shut up so bob wins by default. Wow. Wait. The come from beside victory. Extra point for no shut up wades from Bob. All right, that's fair. You know, that's fair. That breaks the tie. I am the nice one, so.

Well, are you going to wrap it up, Dick Lord, or are you going to keep yammering? Am I Dick Lord? Yeah. You're the host, right? Oh, that's an extra two points. Mark, I appreciate the compliment. I already won. It's been decided.

Calm down. Oh, yeah, extra two points for Bob for already having won. I don't know. I'm the judge. I get points how I want. For already having won. I like the way you think. I was one of the best hosts this podcast has ever known.

I'm at least top three. Oh, I got to give you top three. Yeah, I give him top three. All right. Until we start having guests well congrats on home uh bob sorry i think i punched myself in the nuts there bob congrats on winning everyone listening make sure you're subscribed so you always know when there's new episode of distractible follow mark

he's markiplier pretty much everywhere follow bob Bob. My Skirm everywhere. Follow me if you want. I'm Minion777 or LordMinion777. Listen, it changes. Whatever. It's not that important. Do not follow us anywhere. Follow us right here. You got to give them one clear directive.

One clear, pure, ultimate directive. And they'll definitely do it if you do that? Yes. Send us ice cream. Follow us multiple times. Listen to this podcast on every platform. We gotta get the follows. I want the ice cream.

No, I'll buy you ice cream. No. It's not as good as free ice cream. Podcast out. What just happened? I think I usurped your hosting. Oh, I guess you won. You had the right.