Distractible - Chess 3

Episode Date: January 29, 2024

Mark is here to introduce to you and the guys the greatest game that the podcast world has ever witnessed: Chess 3! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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pants meal probably so when you need to break free from responsibility and experience something that feels more you reach for craft dinner because when you're starved for moments that bring you back to who you really are and what you really love that's when it's gotta be kd when you're starved for moments that bring you back to who you really are and what you really love, that's when it's gotta be KD. When you gotta do you, it's gotta be KD. Shop now. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible. This episode, Melodious Mark becomes the true master as he devises the ultimate game involving plentiful porn action. Warm-hearted Wade calls Shakira's hip a liar, bashes the bishop, and copies

Bob's moves. Browbeat and Bob pisses on Picasso, Cameo, and Carlson, then makes a bomber queen and unleashes a plague. From book challenges to mutual nuclear annihilation. Yes. It's time for

Chess 3. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome to the brand new amazing incredible episode full of great ideas and hosted by someone who knows what they're doing. Me! I'm that guy, Markiplier. Welcome back if you're joining us again from a previous instance of listening to this podcast and or watching it, and also welcome to the new where you are only now just finding this through probably just like a recommendation from a friend, and this is a great introduction because I'm giving a great introduction. You're right, Mark. Hi, yes, These guys right here, these are great guys. These might be the greatest guys.

Wonderful souls. Wonderful, wonderful minds. One could say beautiful minds. Three points for Mark for beautiful minds. Thank you, yes. And the reason he gave points is because he's making a joke about how the fact that I'm the judge and I give points, but he's saying that because it's referencing nothing or that.

I'm in a bit of a tizzy. I had so many things fail so quickly. I'm trying to get this episode ready. I was trying to pursue ideas for it, and I've cooked up something that I think everyone's going to love, but let me tell you, straight up, I'm not confident. I have no idea how this is going to go. I'm reinventing the wheel here not spinning a wheel but i'm reinventing it people always say you should reinvent the wheels so i'm glad you're doing that wheels are stupid they need

reinvented i concur wheels are fair that's not a wheel that's not a wheel or it's a very bad wheel you can you can roll on these i guess guess that's true. If you were representing the lens cap, then you're spot on. It's very Illuminati with the eye in the middle. If there was an eye on this lens cap,

that would be very... Well, we are secret members. Even to myself, I didn't know this. Public secret members, Mark. It's public record. Well, if that's the case, then we better get it

on public record what crazy lives we've been living. Oh. Oh, you want to know about the crazy lives we've been living okay okay i hear you i hear you i got you molly had a birthday that sounds good that's why are you saying it like that i was trying to think of what has been happening that's the event i remember that's happened recently uh you know so there's a tiktok challenge that i don't know if it's where it started i assume that's where it started but basically she's a big into reading and she wanted to do this tiktok challenge where you are given

five minutes to go into a bookstore and there's two ways to do it you either have the full five minutes to go in grab as many books as you can and then check out or there's a method where you have like three minutes to look around then two minutes to go grab whatever you can and then check out she did that method so we she wanted to do that for her birthday so we did we went to a small bookstore she went looked around for three minutes went ran around for two minutes i think she came out of the bookstore with eight books she said it was more stressful than she thought it would be but it was fun but she said she's like i found all these books i wanted the three minutes then the two minutes i couldn't remember where anything was i i get that like you guys paid for that so it was here i just think it would have been really

funny if she did it like people do when it's like a shopping spree when you win it when the company's paying just go in and just get as big a cart or basket as you can and just like i don't even know what books these are like a just maximum amount of things to purchase and then you check out and she's like oh right i, here's my credit card. I'm paying for this. You wanted 500 copies of A Handmaiden's Tale? I never thought we were going to sell all these re-released chicken soup for the souls, but I'm glad you needed them.

The Scarlet Letter, we've never sold a copy of that. You bought 300 copies? It's an awful book. Awful? Wow, that is bold. At least it's the awful book awful wow that is bold at least it's the worst book i've ever read in my life of all books i've read assessments aside it's very commonly read by a lot of high school students in america the story itself is not bad the way it's written is horrible that author needs to go back to school forever nathaniel hawthorne terrible

terrible person terrible writer in fact i don't know what kind of person he is but for writing that book and the way he wrote it he's a terrible person this might be the boldest proclamation i've ever heard from you wade i've talked about that book before i there is nothing that i have read that is but i would rather read the dictionary than that book ever again reminds me of uh mark do you know the brian reagan joke about uh picasso and who judges what what art is good like oh man i don't remember oh it's just like a bowl of fruit hey pablo remember. Oh, it's just like a bowl of fruit. Hey, Pablo, you see how this one looks just like a bowl of fruit

because he was trying to paint a bowl of fruit. You see how you got two eyes on the same side of the face over there? Maybe you need a camera. Maybe you need to go back to art school. Oh man, I haven't listened to Brian Regan in a long time. He has come out relatively recently. He's kind of sad now.

He's divorced. And he's like, he went from being like funny, dumb like oh i'm an idiot to now he's like old kind of bitter divorced guy funny it's like a big transformation and compared to like brian ragan of our high school and college years it's very different well that's sad i'll have to disclose review i'm sure he'll feel better and be back on top. He's a big avid watcher of our podcast. You know Brian Regan listens and watches to this. You know that. Well, you know, it's one of those things where if we were praising people, they would never hear anything about it.

But if we say anything negative, everyone's going to tweet at them. That's true. They hate you. Listen. In that case, I think Shakira's left hip did lie to me once her left hip's a liar what did it lie about i don't know i'm just hoping it gets to her now she acknowledges my existence you know i could get you a cameo or something is that a car oh is that the thing where you pay people they talk to you would that make you happy no it's okay i've seen the kind of effort that's

put into those you guys we've talked about the antonio brown one here before right the antonio brown one no i don't think so we did talk about that a lot long time ago long time ago oh it's where he like uh ooh happy happy anniversary wedding yeah and i also hear it's your birthday like he just everything at once and he's just like one take don't doesn't matter fuck it send it 500 bucks that's not that much money send it i get that people enjoy those and i'm not at all poo-pooing anyone if they want to do that but i've never seen and it's probably because the ones that get shared publicly are the funny ones i've never seen a cameo that felt like anything other than the lowest possible effort and even celebrities

who you would think like uh like oh that's oh, that's chill. You know, like they're probably same thing. It's always that same tone of like, Hey Jesse. Yeah. It's, it's Jack Black. You know, your favorite funny man from the movies and music stuff. I heard it was your birthday. Like it's always the same thing now. Okay. To be fair, anytime that I've met someone and they've handed me a phone and being like, can you say hi to my friend i have the same problem because i'm like they start recording and then i'm like what what's their name like and they're literally oh it's so and so and i'm like hi so and so what should i say that used to happen at conventions all the time so it would come up yeah you want to do like a signature photo or something they're like here's my phone it's like thanks you'll sell that no no my friends on there say hi this is the irs what you've been served fuck wait you live a different you live a different life than us no i mean i've done that

too like i don't but like a cameo is something you record on purpose like if i was i'm not because no one wants that but if i was to do that i would sit down ahead of time and be like oh this person's name her name is samantha and it's her 30th birthday wow and then you know not act like your situation you're describing when i'm the one who's deciding to record something on purpose but i didn't know hate whatsoever because that's basically what you get when you meet us at conventions too everyone comes up and I don't know how to talk to people. So I'm always like, hey, yeah. Even after all this practice, still can't. What do you want a picture?

Oh, OK. You're mostly here for Mark. Yeah, I thought so. OK, well, anyway, small talk over because it's now time for the greatest idea that we've ever had in this podcast. Bar none. I didn't small talk at all. That was just way small talk.

Do you want small talk? I don't know. I didn't small talk at all that's just way small talk do you want small talk i don't know i didn't have anything that good i egged myself really aggressively last night and yes it's exactly what you think i don't think we need to i don't think this is a appropriate discussion i was literally getting an egg out of the refrigerator to like cook eggs and somehow i nicked the egg on the corner of the refrigerator door and it cracked open and my instinct was it was out in front of me and i was like oh no and the egg just was in every direction and that's my on my own shirt in my own kitchen so i had to clean that up and that's it aren't you glad you circled back for that yeah i

am actually that's that's a fascinating addition to what's occurring. Hey, Mark. I heard you wanted some small talk. Yeah, it's me. Your favorite distractible host. Are you leaving me a cameo for small talk? Dude, I'll do all my podcast interactions in the form of cameos now. It's just an evolution of the soundboard of Bob, you know? Everything.

Happy New Year. Independence Day. All right. Are you ready to have your minds blown at the incredible that I have prepared for you today? I have changed the game. Literally, I have broken new ground and transcended beyond the realms of game master or dungeon master because you can now call me whatever's above a grand master because i have invented chess three oh no oh

i would call it chess two but chess two that's been invented. So there's a lot of pee pee on this board. There's, there's some B's and some H's that I'm, well, no, I know what the B's are. What's in the H? Horse? Is that horse? Right. Cause I know it's a knight, but the king, there's only one letter. So for anyone who's not watching the video available only on Spotify, uh, it's a, it's

a chess board, but all the pieces are represented by letters yeah well i didn't have time to cut out the assets of everything it works it's sure no yeah it's accurate yeah you're not seeing the genius that is so it is i there's got to be something else here because i'm what i'm getting so far is that instead of chess pieces you put letters and your idea is to have Bob and I play chess? Yes. Can I ask, before we get too far past this, you said this is chess three. Yes.

What's chess two? Chess two, I think, was invented by Doug Doug or someone, and it was a terrible version. It had lots of laws that were basically broken. This one is very fair, extremely fair, actually, and evolves upon the concepts that he tried and failed to develop on. So when you think of chess, what do you think of? Really smart people pressing the time button really quickly, playing something, playing something. And they're like, ah, you thought you had me, but I was 17 moves ahead of you.

Magnussen showing up late to his matches just to piss off his opponents. I think of that. Is his name Magnuson? I think of that group of kids that got made fun of incessantly at school for being part of chess club because for some reason chess club gets real bad. Magnuson Charlesonson. So who's, hey Google, who's the good chess guy? Magnus Carlson.

There you go. Google knew what I meant. Yeah. yeah no okay carlson showing up late to piss off his opponents that's that's what i think of all right well that's has nothing to do with chess three and i bet you were all laughing about how oh it's letters and not images oh man mark's too lazy and dumb no because guess what with this chess. There's another component numbers. No more letters You're up first which my white letters are black. I guess white letters your word is Yitriforos. Oh sweet Jesus spell

Yitriforos you can get a definition. I can't provide the country of origin. Sure was the definition of Yitriforos Okay, you took Yitriferous? Okay, Yitriferous containing Yitrium or related to the presence of Yitrium. Yitrium, Yitriferous, Yitriferous. Y I T R I F E R OU-S Yatriferous That is incorrect But you got the end part right The beginning part wrong Anyway, now Bob, you didn't get that right Which means, you get to make your move I don't know anything about chess

So I'm sure everyone's gonna have a good laugh Uh Pawn to E5 Pawn to E5 Good move move that's the bishop's gambit they can pawns move too yeah on the opening move they can really bob knows more than i remember okay for fairness wade the first move a pawn makes off the off a starting position it can move two forward and then from then on it can only move one but you can move one or two on your first pawn move tis a thing all right wade are you ready yeah your word is zugzwang oh god is this german zugzwang zugzwang

can you use it in a sentence i can only give you the definition okay can you spell it the definition if you make a bad move you might find yourself zugzwonged. Okay. Z-U-G. Z-U-A-N-G. So close. So close. I'm going to guess you were one U short. One letter.

There was probably a W in there. Yeah, you're right. Instead of a U, it was a W. Very close. Anyway, now you can make your move. Pond to C4. That sounds explosive your move pawn to c4 that sounds explosive son to c4 you got it okay these are good moves all right we got our pps in the middle now all right bob your word is quincunx okay what's the definition of quincunx an arrangement of five

objects with four at the corners of a square or rectangle and the fifth at its center quincunks an arrangement of five objects with four at the corners of a square or rectangle and the fifth at its center quincunks quincunks quincunks q u i n c u n k s quincunks oh so close instead of ks it was an X at the end. X? God damn it. All right. Elon got to it before you did. All right, now's your move.

Pawn to D6. Pawn to D6. All right, good move. This is the European defense or something like that. Wait. This is the Scandinavian swizzle. Just you wait until I get into my Germanic jaunt. I don't know what the hell is happening. No, no.

It's chess three. We might as well just play chess. I don't think we're spelling these words right. No. No, you're going to see if you can at least get a word right. If we ever spell a word right. You dumbasses. We're never going gonna do it wade you

your word is dactylion oh i know this word okay dactylion can you give me whatever it is you give me it is the tip of the middle finger dactylion d-a-c-t-i-l-l-i-o-n ah not quite an i am and i don't know why i could have pronounced that dactylion but it i dac as in dactyl dactylion okay wait what would you like your move to be oh uh pond d's nuts uh let's just go d3 d right. Man, this is quite a nice lineup here. Yeah, I'm trying just to match Bob for some reason. I like the symmetry of it. Plus, we both have pee-pee together. Your word, Bob, is gentacular.

Gentacular, not genticular. Gentacular. Pertaining to breakfast taken early in the morning or immediately on getting up. Gentacular. This word was a word that I used in my episode Bob's Confusing Words. Oops. So, uh,

I hope I spell it right. Uh, gentacular. G-E-N-T-A-C-U-L-L-A-R. Gentacular. It's got a J. Ah, damn it Man, I thought one of you would have gotten a word by now Nope

Why would you think that, Mark? In our career where we type I-D-K For everything, of course we can spell Zugzwang No, man, I swear I'm picking the easier ones Wade, or Bob, what's your move? Oh, uh hang on uh

yep the bishop to g4 bishop to g4 alright and and no one at home can complain these are pure audio clues you should all be painting the

chessboard in your mind that to where all these pieces are. We are calling out. You're on the road to chess grandmaster, right? Can't you play a game of chess in your head just with letters and numbers call outs? Exactly. So wait, it's your turn. Your word is limerence. Oh no.

Limerence? Limerence. I can use it as a sentence for you and the classic snl sketch celebrity jeopardy sean connery frequently would recite dirty limerence i don't know if that's the correct usage of it but he he would say dirty limericks it was a joke oh don't don't let him throw you off it's not limericks he threw me off oh no i'm off uh limerence l-i-m-o-u-r-a-n-c-e limerence i figured it was maybe a throw off every single one's been a throw off so l-i-m-e-r-e-n-c-e i'm just curious what happens if anyone spells the word correctly i really want to go into it but you know i feel like so far this is just chess 1.0 with spelling i'm trying guys i'm trying really dumb it down

mark come on now you know how smart we are all right okay wade what's your move papa papa's papa's move is uh pond h3 pond h3 okay all right really putting that bishop at in threat for all the listeners bishops at g4 he's threatening he's threatening my bish he's threatening the bish oh oh i don't get to move yet i was about to move already that's fine that's fine that's fine no you have to spell first if you get it right you might be in trouble if you get it wrong like we just keep playing chess bob your word is eschewel oh come on eschewel can you give me the definition the act of avoiding or shunning something sure that was my guess but and i generally know what that it's the word eschew is what this is based on, but it doesn't mean I know how to spell it. Eschewel.

E-S-C-H-E-W-E-L. Eschewel. Oh, it's an A-L. Oh, God damn it. Oh, my God. Well, more chess. I don't want to play chess anymore. You got to play chess. You got to. I don't want to play chess anymore you gotta play chess you gotta play the chess anymore all right what's your move uh bishop to h5 bishop to h5 retreating in dumbness no no no no okay wade your word is mnemonic oh crap okay

p-n-e-u-m-o-n-i-c is that right that's where i thought that was right. You're thinking of pneumatic and the type of spelling that has with the silent P. Pneumonic has a silent M. M-E-N. M-N-E. I can't even do it. God damn it. Like pneumonic plague.

I could have given you the, I should have given you the. Okay. All you gave me was pneumonic and there is a pneumonic spelled like that. You should have asked for the definition. It's not on me. You should have asked for the definition. You know what? you should ask for the definition you know what you're right it's my fault my bad uh make your goddamn chest move god chest three's potential is slipping through our heads let the record show i spelled pneumonic correctly it's not my job i don't fucking know man uh horse to c3 horse to c3 horse is coming out to play he attacks nothing boldly

bob this one might be up your alley giving your history with this language okay your word is schaden schaden fraud schaden freude schadenfreude you're right i should know how to spell this oh no hang on i'm thinking can i ask are there any umlauts that i need to care about in spelling this no umlaus that i see can you give me the definition just for good measure pleasure derived by someone from another person's misfortune. Okay. Schadenfreude. S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E. Schadenfreude. Yes!

Finally! Finally! Oh my god. What happens now? Alright, so all this pomp and circumstance and buildup i like i was i was expecting this to happen a lot sooner so don't be under don't be underwhelmed okay i'm regular whelmed just to explain it i this better blow my fucking brain bob you can now make any move any move at all you can do anything yeah i feel like move at all. You can do anything. Yeah, I feel like I know what I want to do immediately.

Except take his king. Sure, okay. I got the next best thing. My pawn at a7 takes his queen at e1. Love that. I know where you're going with this. So boom, this one's's out would you like to promote yes you got it now i get two checkers stacked on top of each other and he can move in every

direction you got another queen oh wait i gotta do that another layer it's gonna ruin everything hold on oh god oh god oh god just copy copy a copy a Just copy the white Q and make it another layer. Wait, who went first? Me. You're white, right? Yeah, I'm white. Okay. All right.

Okay. I'm white. I'm white. I'm white. Okay. All right. Okay. This episode is brought to you by Secret.

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How do I find all the... Also FedEx. Impressive. Is there a regulatory specialist I can ask about? FedEx. Oh, but let's say that... FedEx. What a? FedEx. Oh. But let's say that... FedEx. What? FedEx.

Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx. Where now meets next. Wade, you're in, believe it or not, check. Check, baby. What?

Remember, Wade, the game is chess three. If you spell the word right, you can do anything. I think I have to save my king. You could give up. You could do that if you spell your word right. Yeah, that's a good point. I hadn't thought about that. Okay, go on. What's my word? Give him one in Latin. He knows Latin. He's a philosopher. I've got you, Wade. Give him one in Latin. He knows Latin. He's a philosopher. I've got you Wade. You got this one It's right up your alley your word is Pogo no trophy. Oh God, oh God, no Can you

Define it for me. Yeah the act of growing and grooming a beard and it's pronounced I have no fucking clue how it's pronounced. That might affect my spelling, you know. I pronounce it phonetically to try to assist you. Great, can you pronounce it again? Pogonotrophy. P-O-G-O-N-O-H-T-R-O-P-H-Y. Was it right without the H?

Yeah. Why'd you put an H in there? Okay, I removed the H. P-O-G-O-N-O-T-R-O-P-H-Y. That's not what you said. I said I'd like to remove the H. He did say he'd like to remove the H, which is fair. Yeah, you right about that.

You emphasized that second Pogonotrophy. I swear you did. No, he said Pogonotrophy. I could have gone Pogonotrophy. I swear you did. No, he said Pogonotrophy. I could have gone Pogonotrophy. Fine, whatever. I can make my move. Yeah, make your move. You're in check.

What's your move, bud? I'll have my king slide over to the queen. All right. Boom. They're going to make love and then like a praying mantis is gonna bite her head off. That was a good move. That was the right way to handle that situation. Bob! Alright, here we go. Your word is

thalocyanine. Thalo- like- thalocyanine. Oh, fuck. Okay. Thalocyanine. Thalocyanine. Thalocyanine yes can you spell it for him phallocyanine what does that mean it means a complex chemical compound used in dyes and pigments

phall oh this is like palo blue this is some this is some painting with bob ross type stuff. No. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos.

Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos.

Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos.

Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos.

Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos.

Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos.

Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos. Thalos it's thalosiamine but it's got

a phd so you have to put the ph in the front that phd would insist that's true all right back to chess baby i'm gonna go ahead and say uh a horse to a six horse to a six all right to A6. Worst to A6. All right. The charge has begun. All right, Wade. This is going to sound really scary. You can do this. It's fine. It's fine, Wade.

I believe you know, and I believe in you. Your word is pseudo-pseudo-hypo-parathyroidism. Double pseudo? Pseudo-pseudo-hypo-Parathyroidism. Double pseudo? Pseudo-Pseudo-Hypo-Parathyroidism? Pseudo-Pseudo-Hypo-Parathyroidism. Hmm. That's a long word. Pseudo-Pseudo-Hypo-Parathyroidism?

That's a big word for Elmo. Pseudo-Pseudo-Hypo-Parathyroidism. Pseudo-Pseudo-Hypo-Parathyroidism. P-udo, pseudo, hypoparathyroidism. P-S-E-U-D-O, P-S-E-U-D-O, H-Y-P-O, P-A-R-A-T-H-Y-R-O-I-D-I-S-M. Yes! No! Yes! No.

So Wade, in chest three, when you spell a word right, you get to do whatever you want. And I mean, whatever you want. Reality is your plaything. That's a lot more broader of an introduction than I was given, I feel like, when I spelled a word right. I didn't want you to go nuts. I thought this would be way earlier in this episode. I thought way at the beginning that it'd have an escalation of life. I think Wade and I should host the next one and just

embarrass Mark by having him try and spell a bunch of shit. I... Listen, I thought you guys were smarter than this, but apparently not. Everyone who's imagining this chessboard in your head is having the time of their lives. Alright, I know what I want. I want my pawn that's currently sitting at a2 to take his queen

and then to me wow the imagination on this guy you believe it or not i'm actually thinking further ahead than you'd think i know what you're doing and i know what you have to do because what i had to do but i have another idea that would come later from this, depending on whether or not you get to, I don't know, blow fucking blue smoke and destroy me too. All right. So that was a crazy move. I know I'm very imaginative. I feel like I've just done what Bob's done to minus moving my horse one time. Yes, it is. A little bit, a little bit. All right. Okay. Bob, I'm gonna try to tone down the complexity of the word for your tiny brain, but it's okay. Your word is abscond. Ooh, can you give me the definition, please?

To leave hurriedly and or secretly, typically to avoid detection or arrest. Abscond. Abscond. Abscond. A-B-S-C-O-N-D. Abscond. Correct! Correct!

Now, Bob, feel the power coursing through your groin, riding up through your spine, shooting out of your fingertips as you see the board in front of you and all of the potential of your godlike powers. Replace your own king with a queen. You won't. I can do anything that I want.

Yeah. The only limitation is that you cannot straight up kill Wade's king. This is technically going to be a move perpetrated by my king, but there's going to be some follow-on activities. Okay, sounds good. My king is quite the charismatic fellow. He talks up the brand new queen that has just appeared next to him. He talks about how there used to be a black queen that lived over with the other king.

This one might notice that she's next to him and across the entire world from her so-called king. After they talk and talk and chat and chat, eventually he converts this black queen to join his side, and she becomes a white queen of the skies. Of the skies? Like, with wings? She takes the helm of her B-52 bomber and does a strafing bombing run down the entire one column of the board.

And I am a vengeful god, but I am a just god. Can we say there's some sort of chance, maybe a dice roll or something, that for each square down the one column, the king is invincible in his bunker, but for each other square, there's, oh my god, he drew a bomber. I h1 g1 f1 c1 and a1 there's some kind of i don't know 50 50 30 whatever whatever you deem

fair right you're going from okay so just to, your newly converted lover queen has been converted over to the white side, has transformed into a B-52 bomber, and started a strafing run from E-8 all the way to H-1. Also, let me just say, she's so dedicated that even though she knows she won't have enough fuel to make it all the way home, she's going to commit to the strafing run and then ditch the plane, and she might not survive all right we'll do a roll for where she ends up uh like upon parachuting uh so we're gonna we're gonna see who's in the path okay we can really go outside the box on this okay yeah no well he he

prompted you to sit he literally was like anything anything reality bends to your whims i really would have god i wish i listened to you that's what that's why i was so mad when he gave you that setup but then you were very polite and you just mirrored my move well i just wanted to match you yeah i just want to match you want to keep it fair all right so the b-52 bombing stray friend is going to hit the pawn unfortunately at e5 for collateral damage the white pawn however in the targeted path judging by the wingspan we've got three of wade's pawns at uh f2 g2 and h3 as well as a clip of the bishop i'll give them some like bonus defense on there but horsey and rook are directly in the path so let's start these rolls wait this one column with two pawns is turning into a side swipe of everything i have now yeah look at the wingspan on the b52 that's a big

behemoth you know that's true actually the whole board should be consumed by to be honest well i mean all right let's be fair this is a battlefield so a b52 isn't that big like it's big but it wouldn't it wouldn't be able to bomb the entirety of this field but three pawns i feel like my guys with swords and spears don't stand much of a chance against a bomber. All right, I'm going to give you, we're going to spin a wheel. You should have invented some cooler shit on your turn, I guess, huh? Yeah, absolutely. That's not the right wheel spin. Okay, all right.

I've got a 66% chance of death, 33% chance of life for everyone except the bishop who's a solid 50 50 so first up is the white pawn because this is a b52 it's bomb and run is pretty like it's pretty rare all right unfortunately this white pawn collateral damage uh is dead that was the pawn for those uh making mental maps that's the one at e5 all right e5 is pawn is dead. We're rolling for H3. H3. Oh, H3 lives. Oh, well, okay. Come on then. H3 pawn felt the bombs going down. Duck for cover. Let's go. G2 pawn. Oh, G2 pawn lives. Well, that's just unlikely. You didn't want me to show it, but that's what's happening. I believe you. I believe you.

Good, good. All right, G2 pawn. You got your third pawn here in F2. And F2's gonna bite the dust. F2 got a face full of bomb. All right, goodbye, F2. It was a valiant effort. Oh, there's a one-to-one trade right there.

That's rough. All right, we got H. H at G1. Horsey at G1. God damn, Wade. Your troops are strong. Oh, come on. H wins.

H lives. Holy shit. All right. We got Rook here, though. I swear to God, Bob. I swear to God. I spun the wheel. Rook lived.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. But I'm gonna give Bishop a 50-50 because, I mean, at this rate this is probably gonna kill him, honestly. But this is for the Bishop who got clipped on the side. Sorry, Bob. Uh.

Bishop lived. I killed one of my pawns and one of your pawns. And now the Queen's gonna ditch the B-52 and we're going to see if the queen with her parachute, and this is her parachute, is going to live.

Bob, you should never depend on wheels or rolls. It's okay, because queen lived. Queen lived, but queen is kind of over here off the board. Probably needs a search and rescue opportunity for captive, Wade. Queen is off the far top right corner off the board probably needs a search and rescue opportunity for captive Wade Queen Queen is off the far top Right corner of the board in no man's land got it. Yeah, exactly Queens. No Queens right here This is the b-52 bomber it crashed into the corpse pile

I essentially just traded a queen for a pawn I traded one of my queens and pawns or a pawn Oh and also your King woke up in the other queen's beds, so. Yeah, sure, sure. Sure, sure. That's fair. That's just how that happened. All right, Wade.

You want your word? Oh, yeah. Forgot. Yeah, let's spell some more. We just had a queen bombing run out of the chessboard. Yeah, let's go back to spelling. No, come on. The spelling was supposed to be just a quick little

snippet to get to the action. Alright, let's do it. Give me my word. Your word is dichotomy. Dichotomy. Define it before I spell the wrong one. A division or contrast between two things that are represented as being opposed or entirely different. Dichotomy. Okay, I believe

dichotomy is spelled. D-I- C-H-O- D-I-C-H O-T-O-M-Y. Yes! That is correct! Wade, you're back on top. Do you feel the power surging through your butt cheeks? Oh, I do. The B-52 is out of gas, just to be clear, okay? So that's basically out of play.

Kind of a little crashed, but... Yeah, crash land, it's disabled. It was cushioned by the corpses, so pretty good. I bet if you do the exact same bombing run, you kill every single one of the things that you attack on my side. Yeah, I can't believe the curse of Bob is following you because those were like two to one odds on four of those rolls. And man, they won.

They beat the odds every time. That's incredible. Wade, would you like to tempt fate? I should have just said I just kill a bunch of shit. Like i was too nice ah you gotta be imaginative i want to try to convince bob's peas to flip all of my peas i want all of his peas to flip to me i want a chance to flip them okay which which piece of yours is doing this convincing oh man it's gotta be uh g1h this horse my horse he'll be hoarse from talking by the time he's done convincing these peas so what is he saying to let's just say assume he comes out white flag give give his speech give his speech what's he saying look you've lost at least two

queens you saw even with advanced technology that we withstood we've survived bombs from the sky What chance do you have you're merely pawns in this war join us We will teach you the keys to your survival We will overthrow your tyrant king who switches queens on a whim and you could be on the winning side Wow, that was uh kind of threatening kind of passionate. I put a wheel up here, one through six, because there's six pawns. We're going to see how many you convinced, okay? Spinning. Oh, it was almost six.

One. One was convinced. It was like right there. I thought it was going to land on six. One. This one who witnessed his friend get blown up by the bombing run is like, I'll do it. I'll switch. blown up by the bombing run, is like, I'll do it.

I'll switch. Oh, Bob, you and I, our imaginations run wild, and the results are usually less interesting. So now there's a horse at F5 and a pawn, a black horse at F5 and a black pawn at E5. I think everyone knows where the other ones are, so we don't need to update that. And therefore, it's Bob's turn to spell. Oh, good.

Excellent. Your word is Maelstrom. Maelstrom. This is when a mailman wears a G-string, right? That's one of the definitions, yes. Maelstrom. M-A-E-L-S-T-R-O-M. Maelstrom.

Correct! That was one I actually knew. It's a common spell in like RPGs too, so I know how to spell that one because I played Shaman and I think there's a Maelstrom spell. Bob, what's your move? Can I do one move

and then have one thing happen that's unrelated to the move but just happens on its own accord? If it feels justified, I'll allow it. Okay, I would like this to happen. The king is terrified. Things are not looking good for him. He panics and he tries to shove his way all the way to H8. And as he goes,

he's just like, oh, excuse me. Uh, excuse me. And he's just like pushing the guys out of his way. So everyone, everyone shifts down one spot and the king assumes a spot in H8 cowering away from everything uh everything in in existence just tried to hide in the corner oh man i'm okay with this move so the king who was at e8 plowed his way through to h8 and everyone who saw the king coming to oh my god it's a king oh god and then you know the bishop pulled push the pawn so now rook horse bishop are H7, G7 are in the sevens. Pawns are in the sixes of F, G, and H. King is at H8. And then what else I would like to have happen is unrelated to that.

It turns out that the horse at A6 for me, the knight is fine, but the horse was actually infected with bubonic plague. The horse got plague madness and escaped from the night and charged straight up the a column and ended up biting the rook in a1 so you move you move seven pieces and you're killing my rook okay the theoretical the theoretical way this works is if it succeeds and the rook gets the plague the plague spreads to the next closest peach each time the next person goes so it would go from the rook to the pawn and then to either to the h or the b it would spread one player at a time if it is allowed if i don't move the rook at the end of the turn or at the start of the turn it still spreads to the next closest piece

but it spreads to the next closest piece for either side. Okay. Here's what I'm going to do for you. Yes, I will allow your horse to be infected with bubonic plague. Yes, it will flee. You don't know which direction it's going to go. Okay. So I've got a wheel with east, west, and north. So it could go towards the, because this is two moves, but wait, does it sound fair? It could go that way.

You know, it's fine. Let's do it. Towards his other rook, or it could go north towards those pawns. So let's see where this is. As you can see, I put green dots for Bubonic Plague. Yeah, it's slightly green for Bubonic. Yeah, got it. It's going north.

Oh, boy. Oh, no. In its madness, it charges up north to where the pawns just pushed into. Oh, north is you. pawn's just pushed into. Oh, north is you. That makes sense. Okay. Pounces on this pawn, biting it immediately, infecting the pawn with the bubon.

Oh, it's not even a roll. It's just infected. Yes, they're both on this. They've merged into a horse pawn, a porse, if you will, a parse. All of this went differently than I expected, Bob. I'm just letting it evolve. I'm just intrigued. Yeah. So now every turn, every turn, not on Bob's turn, but Wade, at the end of your turn, this

horse is going to move in a random direction. It's currently at F6, and it's going to absorb and grow stronger with every piece that it absorbs. Can I just say, can I theoretically say, once over half the board is infected with the plague, all plague members die, and there's maybe a chance that it lingers or something, or every, there's gotta be a way to clear the dead, right?

So at some point people need, I'll let you even pick it, but at some point people infected with the plague die in some way. All right, let's say the disease will progress. Now the horse has yellow dots. It's oof man that hurt so now there's yellow and the the pawn is gonna have the pawn is just green for right now got it then when it gets red on the next turn it dies all right you're wade your word is gossamer gossamer can you define that gossamer is something very light thin or insubstantial.

It's very delicate. Okay, not super familiar with this one, but I'll spell it for you. Gossamer. G-O-S-S-I-M-E-R. So close. It's A-M-E-R. All right, I have a boring move then. It doesn't have to be boring.

I could end the plague with a pawn. That's true. You could kill the plague horse, I guess. Well, your pawn would become infected. But instead, I'm going to have my A1 rook take out Bob's A8 rook. That's a good move. Who knew that regular chess was still in play here? Boom!

Rook goes to A8. It puts king. I can't end the plague that quickly. The plague, it does its thing. My God. The king is in check but now the horse the horse pawn so now the horse can go what four directions now it's horse time yeah the horse goes one of four directions every turn and then infects and takes over whatever space it hits

and it's going to go come on east it's going back south oh you piece of shit horse oh god you're it's a double pph but the h part of it is starting to grow well i gotta get the yellow on the p first so the p is getting a little yellowed and then the h is like one turn left before it bites the dust and then that's how it'll die like it'll eventually if it doesn't get enough things and when you attack it, you take off one of its things. Its oldest, most dead thing will go away. Does it infect the closest one still? Like does it infect that P that's next to it? Because it goes in any direction.

It could hit anything, but it has to hit it. Otherwise it would be like out of control. Everything would die in the face of this horrible monstrosity. That's kind of what I was going for, but that's okay. That's okay. Your word is taciturn. Taciturn. What's the definition? It's about a person who is reserved or uncommunicative in speech who says very little. Taciturn. T-A-C-I-T-E-R-N. Taciturn. So close. It's T-U-R-N.

God damn it. All right. But you still can make a move. Well, I think that's pretty much one move that I can make. Actually, there's a couple. There's a couple. Horsey to E8. All right.

Horsey to E8. Blocking that check. Good move. Good move. And let's see where this horse is going to go. Come on, plague horse. go come on plague horse come on plague horse it might go it might go west it's going west yes it takes out the rook yeah it's bam all right the horse part though died so it's like the horse is now dead right it charged so fast the horse actually ran into the rook and obliterated into

like decomposing pieces limbs went flying meat went everywhere just a shower of bubon all over this poor rook uh with the pawn is now really not looking kind of explodey if there's a red one and it charges and explodes is there there splash damage? Yes. Yes, there is. Absolutely. A shower of gibbets infected this pawn here. It got a mouthful of horse goo. Wait, do we have to roll for what direction it goes to? Yes.

Yes. Now this rook is part of the greater pawn glomerate, and these will both, at the end of the next turn, they will both go in will both at the end of the next turn they will both go in different directions or the same direction but they're in different spots and the plague will continue. Yes it's happening. Horses horses everywhere

Horses cooked. Horses cooked. Horses everywhere Yeah actually if you think about it think about it there's a piece of this horse let's see right over here Marcus currently cutting up the horse into bits and spreading it around there's one there a little horse over there yeah that's one and then horse there yep there's horse pieces all over it really blasted and it really did explode wade your word zeitgeist zeitgeist define it for me it is the defining spirit or mood of a particular period of history as shown by the Your word. Zeitgeist. Zeitgeist. Define it for me.

It is the defining spirit or mood of a particular period of history as shown by the ideas and beliefs of a time. The zeitgeist of the era. Z-E-I-T-G-E-I-S-T. Correct! No, there's no H in there? Zeitgeist? Not that I'm seeing. No, there's no H.

Maybe a different language has it. Maybe German has the definition there, but here it's No, there's no H. Maybe a different language has it. Maybe German has the definition there. But here it's zeitgeist with no H. Wade, what shall you do with your godly powers? I want to spread some love. So I'm just going to put that newly fashioned P right where Bob's rook is on H7 and slide that rook down to G7. You're catapulting this pawn to right here on this rook so let's roll for this

other pawn here where it's going to roll and explode north no it's going east okay so east this one is rocketing over this way the p gets ahead of the r splatters into a bajillion pieces smattering this pea in a shower of goo excrement much much excrement so wade's pawn at b2 is now plagified got it yes and this r is now over here and it needs only bring one of these body parts over so i can get the sample of the yellow so i don't have to open it up every time it's it's not feeling so good mr stark the pawn over in h7 is it's foaming at the mouth it's gonna pick a direction it's going oh it's going east again bam it's a double p situation oh we got the green pp again so we got we got a double p in a very dangerous spot for bob if he doesn't't get this spelling right, he's in trouble.

Bob, your word is capricious. Oh, God. Given to sudden and unaccountable changes of mood or behavior. Capricious. Okay, I know how to spell all of it except for one letter, and I have to just guess on it. Capricious. and I have to just guess on it. Capricious.

C-A-P-R-I-C-I-O-U-S. Capricious. Correct! What do you do? The king needs a little consolidation. I think he's happy with what's going on on the far side of the board, potentially. He's worried. He's very selfish.

He's very cowardly my king at the top of his voice however loudly he might be able to scream maybe it's three blocks four blocks away however loudly just looks around and makes eye contact with as many the rook and the pawn and the bishop and as many of his guys over there as he can and he just goes get him and points at the double pawn as many people as his engine as he can, and he just goes, get him, and points at the double pawn. As many people as he could get their attention, they pile on the double pawn and try and take out the bubonic plague. All right.

Okay. So you said he's got a four block radius on his scream? Yes. All right. So this ain't no horse in their charisma. This is a king. So the king not only gets the rook pawn the bishop the bishop of yours and this horse of yours but also reconvince this captured pawn oh god what was i doing the

horse stays here because it didn't want it but this pawn's fickle is he's switching sides all over the place so now all of these guys are on this boob on it seems kind of unhealthy it's not red it's not gonna explode so they're they're not in danger of getting cursploded on this is correct um what i'll say is this definitely is gonna kill the double pawn under there but i don't think people are gonna get unscathed from this move are people gonna die or get infected? Because I would rather they die, I think. Let's see if they all dogpile at once, it's not likely that this, you know, this poor son of a bitch, he's definitely getting infected. All right, let me act this out. They're all like turn and get him. The ones that were closest were the bishop, the rook, the pawn here were the closest ones. This one felt bad and

really got up in there. Timing was all over the place. So he was in there. The horse was lagging behind. The bishop was lagging behind. That's when this thing was starting to die. It thrashed. It tries to make an escape in its random direction that it doesn't know, but it's not going to go all the way. But you'll see what I'm doing here in a second. Okay, okay. So it tries to go to the south, and this is why this poor hapless bastard got in the way. He was like, I can't do this. And he was right here.

And then this thing goes, shit, splits in half because it's being rendered. And it's just like, this thing gets obliterated. This pawn mouth full of goo, full of boob on like all boob on really piled on this guy. But he switched sides. He was like defecting at the last moment. So he came up here. It was like, I king, my king. And then he got a mouthful of boob on. So that really karma there this one's dead uh that killed him then i'll just roll for these to see uh which one like which one was in the path also and got

pushed out of the way and is now infected that's the whole board let's see let's give it 50 50 uh live or boobon pawn lives pawn lives strong strong pawn so that's in the dog pile let's see this rook rook strong immune system on that rook rook lives rook's good let's go for this bishop I knew chance would pick my side eventually

god damn it bishop strong everyone's good it's only this 50 chance my butthole this fickle bastard who's now on your side but also infected Bishop, everyone's good. It's only this. 50-50 chance, my butthole. This fickle bastard who's now on your side, but also infected. And he's, I'm going to say that he retains half of his humanity so he can remember what he did and how he betrayed you. So you might have some influence over him, but it's really going to be tough to control him.

He is buboned. Finally, a good trade. God dang. All right. We're going for this rook down here, which is about to go red. Come on, north. It's going north. Ooh, it might be west. It's north. Yes!

Alright, it's trailing Boobon. Oh, boy. His skin's coming off. We got P-Boobon. P-Boobon is going uselessly. Come on, north. Nah, it's going south. South. Goes into a corner. That's not helpful. Go north. Nah, it's going south. South. Goes into a corner.

That's not helpful. Go west. All right, so we got P-Bubon here. This one's about to blow, by the way, just so you know. It's gonna... Yes, yes. Yeah, I see that.

That seems bad. And then, Bob, do you want to whisper any last words to this one before it goes? Try to guide it in a direction. I walk up to him and I clap my hand on his shoulder and then I pin a note to his chest that says, Go east. four goes try to guide it in direction i walk up to him and i clap my hand on his shoulder and i

pin i pin a note to his chest and that says go east i look him in the eye i say all is forgiven brother go east all right so he's got a he's got a sticky note on the P's chest. Hang on. Go east. Got it. With a smiley face. I would put a smiley face. That's good.

That's good. Does that, like, improve my odds of him going east or something? Oh, yeah. Oh, definitely. Definitely. That improves your odds. Traumatically. Traumatically.

Not dramatically. Traumatically. Traumatically. Traumatically. So I'm going to give, I i'm gonna put it like uh what's the worst way he could go would be north i'm gonna put it north east east east uh look man i'm biased here but i definitely don't like the one in four i would like the one in three maybe come on come on east okay it Okay. It was east. It was very close to north. It was very close. No, come on.

It was closer than you would have liked, but he's going. He's still loyal. He charges east. Kablam, right next to this king. It is danger close for Wade here. If he can't spell this next word, it spells doom. I might be in trouble. That's okay. They're going to go directly away from your king next turn. No question.

Everyone's going to go in the worst possible direction for me, and it's going to be fun. Pawn is the... Bubon Pawn is an E2. Kings... Black King is an E1. Piss Puddle is in D2. Waits King is in a bad spot. Bad spot.

I feel like Bob would think this one is fair, and you might think it's fair, because there's no way you don't know what this is, but it might be tough to spell. Your word is Kaleidoscope. Kaleidoscope. K-A-L-E-I-D-O-S-C-O-P-E. That's correct! No! That's correct.

All right. You are in check in so many ways, Wade. What do you do? He's actually not technically in check, I guess. He's just in a terrible place. He's in a terrible... He's in peril. But, like, you don't have to move your king. You's just in a terrible place. He's in a terrible... He's in peril. But, like, you don't have to move your king.

You just want to move your king. Or do something. You want to help him. What I want to do might be a bit too overpowered. You got the power of gods in your veins. I want to swap all black pieces with their corresponding white piece in location. Does that include... K for K, H for H, B for B. What about all the bubonic pieces?

No, those are their own thing now. They're morphed and horrible. But they still have colors and they have corresponding pieces. Well, this one is P and P, so it's really just like, the other one goes under it, you know, or over it or whatever. They swap places. Okay.

I gotta hold on. Let me just. What about the ones that don't have mirror images? They stay where they are. Okay. Here's, here's the deal. I'm gonna let you do this, but it's through some wicked science. So if there's a piece that doesn't match up, it clones a piece and then there's a copy.

And I get that copy. Yeah. Everyone who doesn't have a pair suddenly has a pair They're just in the other location, right? So this one's fine. This one pairs with that. That's that's obvious We got this H with this H, but there's no H here So it's gonna move over and now there's a double horsey action over here. But now there's two Horses this one just materialized into existence it's very confused we got this p is now in this orgy uh very confused this r here this b here but this b

is also man where would here i guess yeah uh and then there's another b that appeared here doesn't know what the fuck happened this p i'm just gonna say there's another p just spawns it now they're here and they're looking at each other like what the fuck the king yeah the kings have swapped and there's one more p on d3 i think that you don't have accounted for yet man what happens to you? Uh, there's gotta be at least one time accident here. Uh, so this P... So now you got a one and a backwards C. God knows what they do.

Okay. Okay, good. Uh, don't forget the rolls. Right, the rolls. Possibly game-ending rolls of this. Yeah, that seems a little like bullshit but i think i think the boobotic characters should have switched around but that's fine hey you know what you made this plague i'm just using your field yeah and it's really benefited only me so far you're

right bob i gotta roll the three east and one north for that one swear to god if you get north this time that's definitely not gonna to happen. There we go. He's going east. Oh my God, did I win? Did I pull this off? Pull this off? This game you've been clearly winning the whole time? Did you win it?

Oh my God, I can't believe the come from ahead victory win. If I didn't spell that last word right, man, I was fucked and you know it. The win from in front is unprecedented. I can't spell that last word right, man. I was fucked and you know it. The win from in front is unprecedented. I can't believe it. I was completely fucked one round ago. I was surrounded on like three sides. For the first time in the entire game, you did not have a massive advantage on me. And then you won?

Unbelievable. I'm going to give it the same odds as a B-52 bombing, because there's no way that a boo- At least if he survives, he's infected, but it's three turns. But I'm going to give it the same odds as a boo-bon, or a B-52 bomber, which happened in this game. It's live, die, die. Oh!

My king lives? He lives. He lives. You know, the only clever thing I've done is swap black and white. Everything else is self-inflicted. You did this to you. Yeah, but you're complaining about it. That's the thing that makes me mad.

Complaining about it? I'm just saying I was in a shithole. You're not just like, ah, man, I'm winning. That's so funny. You're like, ah, I can't believe I'm winning now. I've been winning and I am still winning. It's so crazy. I was fucked around to go, man. If I didn't spell right, I can't believe I'm winning now. I've been winning and I am still winning. It's so crazy. I was fucked around to go, man.

If I didn't spell right, I was done for. I have no idea who's winning, but all I know is that this pawn, with its note from the king and the smile that this king wrote, frowns as it explodes. And he just manages to veer off course enough to obliterate himself, still spewing ungodly amounts of boobon all over the king. Just horrendous amounts of boobon everywhere. Yeah, he's gonna die soon, but maybe he's got one last action.

I'll give you one last thing if you can get this question right, Bob. Well, wait, the other two you have to roll for, right? Yeah, that's not even remotely the end of it. Oh, shit, wait, no, all right, this king might be dead. This king might be dead, never mind, hold on. two you have to roll for right yeah that's not even remotely the end of it oh shit wait no all right this king might be this king might be dead never mind hold on well there's still half of my p there yeah technically it should hit that whatever that is right uh backwards a backward c isn't nothing all right he's going let's see where he goes let's see come on south i guess it's going north oh my god okay what does the half of a pea do i don't know all right so it splits in half but we got a time bomb in here i don't know where they were at

either way it would splash onto the king so i think there is like a oh it didn't quite hit fully but it's still with the red explosion. Oh, he's already infected, right? Yeah, but now he's progressed to another stage. Just like... Oh, he's yellow already? He's yellow. It was a waterfall of boob. He got hit by two infected things.

Two doubly infected things. But he's a king. Yeah, that's why he's still standing. Otherwise, he'd lose his mind and be, you know, helpless. He had the same likelihood of surviving that a bishop did earlier but he's the king so i'll put a south i'll put a northeast on this wheel if you keep talking all right but this one rolled east so then this one's over here and it's it's red so oh no i can't be out of ink not now mega tank why do i do this to myself ah what's that printer that comes with 30 times the ink

Megatank yes it's a Canon mega phone Megatank it's a Canon printer it comes with like

2 grand worth of ink prints me over 7700 color pages Megatank Megawatt listen to the voice in your head and get a Canon

Megatank printer so you don't have to think about ink for a long long time visit canon.ca slash MegaTank for details. Ooh, French lavender soy blend candle. I told you HomeSense has good gift options. Hmm, well, I don't know.

Mom's going to love it. She'll take one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to San Tropez a few years ago. Forget it. She complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14. $14? Now that's a vacation I can get behind. Deal so good, everyone approves.

Only at HomeSense. Bob, you got one last opportunity to spell a word right. Well, if I don't spell this word correctly, it's getting pretty much over, I think. It's going to be anticlimactic. I don't even know how to play anymore with PBR, H, half P, HH, BB. I've given... Oh, I thought you were talking about the words you were spelling, not the things on the board.

We have a PP that is both of our pieces in one. All right, Bob, I'm not going to give you a super easy one. Okay. Your word is obdormition. Is what? Obdormition. Uh, define it? Numbness or going to sleep of a limb, usually caused by compression of the sensory nerves.

And I'm trying to spell, I'm trying to pronounce it as phonetically as I can. or going to sleep of a limb, usually caused by compression of the sensory nerves. And I'm trying to spell, I'm trying to pronounce it as phonetically as I can. Obdormition. Obdormition. Obdormition. O-B-D-O-R-M-I-D-I-O-N. Obdormition. That is correct. That isorm Mission. That is correct.

That is absolutely correct. That is 100% correct. My king looks at his surroundings, looks at the pustules forming on his skin all over his body, feels utterly defeated. Doesn't even want to do anything. He's basically given up emotionally. Thinks that all is lost.

Stares down to the south at the further exploding bubonic mass that's gonna come at him next turn, undoubtedly. And as my king wallows in self-pity, basically giving up the fight completely, his twin team of bishops approach him from

the north wing of the castle that he's inherited. And they are carrying keys and a silver briefcase. Oh, God. Okay. That says top secret plans on it. All right. Hold on.

Hold on. And they give the king the briefcase silently, and he reads about the Black Kingdom's system of mutually assured destruction that they had created. Oh, man. They feared the power of the White Kingdom, and they knew that they might one day need to have the threat of mutually assured nuclear destruction.

And the bishops hold up their keys, and the king rummages around this king desk and finds a third, even bigger key. And they all go into the top secret room, and the bishops put their keys into the console, and the king puts his big king key into the console, and a big red button... Oh, hold on. ...pops out. Hold on, hold on.

Better keep drawing. I'm not slowing down, Mark. A big red button pops out of the console. Above it, a microphone. And a computer voice says, Vocal identification, please. And the king glances side to side at both of his bishops

and says into the microphone with very little confidence i am the king i command you to fire the missiles and i'm gonna let you pick the odds here mark does his vocal authentication satisfy the top secret computer system are the nukes launched into the air or not is this the black king system or his system? This is the Black King system, yeah. This is the Black King system. So this is not made for him, but he is a king. So if there's one thing I know about this king is that he's charismatic.

Yeah. This guy has incredible charisma. I'm going to roll a d20 and I'm going to give you, what in D&D would a charisma bonus normally be? An 18 would be like a plus four. Okay, so I'm going to give you a full plus four on this roll. Wade, you do D&D would a charisma bonus normally be? An 18 would be like a plus four. Okay, so I'm going to give you a full plus four on this roll. Wade, you do D&D more. What would be like a difficult roll?

Like he has to get a certain amount. I mean, it really, it can be anywhere from like a 16 to a 30. Like you can have DCs above 20. Well, let's say it's 16, right? That's pretty difficult to overcome. I get a plus four and I have to roll 16 well so here's how it actually works you'd have you have a skill right you'd have like persuasion which you would have skill points in then you would add your charisma of modifier and proficiency bonus on

top of that if you were expertise or whatever which you probably would be so you could have a dc of 30 but you'd have like a plus 11 i'm just gonna say i'm gonna roll a d20 and you gotta get you you got a plus four. You got to get above 15. Let's say you need a 16 or higher. So I'm going to roll and we'll add to it. Right. Correct.

Basically, Bob needs a 16 or higher. 12 or higher. I said 15. You said above a 15. What happens if he meets it? That wouldn't be above it. You want it to be a 15? Well, he got an 11.

Oh, what you said out loud was above a 15. What if you meant 15 or higher? I thought I said he had it. Oh, I'm not trying to bend the rules here. But if you want it to be a 15, I'll allow it. How about I just flip a coin at this point? All this math is terrible. You know what, Bob? I'll defer to you.

Am I remembering wrong? Did he say above a 15 or did he say 15 or higher? I'm trying to think and I can't remember what he specifically said. I was thinking he meant a 15 or higher because I thought he meant think and I can't remember what he specifically said. I was thinking he meant a 15 or higher because I thought he meant 16 or higher originally. It's time. You call this. I'm going to throw it in the air. I'll pick it up with the triangle of fairness

and it is what it is. Okay. Heads is the side that says Sony or whatever. Tails is the inside that face Sigma. Okay. Ready? 3, 2, 1. Tails. I'm triangle of two, one. Tails. I'm triangle-a-furnacing. There's no way I actually win one of these, finally.

Oh, my God. It fell just as thus. If you look at this, the side that's up is the side that was up on the ground. So that's the side it is. This doesn't help, because if we do the triangle-a-furnace like this, it shows the other side. So we have to do this the true triangle of fairness ah the diamond of fairness it's tails can you see it it's tails can you see it okay the missiles are being fired what does that mean the nukes fly all right so here's what happens okay yeah that's not even a guaranteed

kill on on on Wade's king or anything necessarily, right? The moment the teleportation happened, the king found himself in the other bunker and saw that he had new twin horses with him and was immediately concerned at his own hubris for allowing this

to occur over here. He knew how charismatic the other king was, so he started rooting around the other castle for an equivalent set of keys from an equivalent set of bishops. And you know who's here? It's not only horses, but it's bishops all day. I think this is a mutually assured destruction scenario. You launch

nukes from every single one of these black squares, or white squares opened up and launched a nuke. This king got a fucking obliterator right underneath it. Blam, blam, blam. blam out here but at the same time this guy activated the nukes over here blacks all opened up blam blam hey it didn't hit my king that is interesting it didn't hit his king so everything except for wade's king is theoretically dead currently and one bubonic plague pawn in the bottom right that is a fascinating coincidence that is that is really that is really something in a weird way

where we have to have a winner from after a nuke occurs i think the weird coincidental logic can i say something i feel like the roles mostly all favored me i think bob would agree mostly i think bob i have to congratulate you for being the most creative person i could think of you had the most creative ideas i wish i had that kind of creativity oh really worked out great for everybody so all right here's something else that occurred right you remember this queen in exile over here this queen was never dead the queen spent the entire time oh she lived fixing up the b-52, knowing that her love, her love of her life was there. And right before the nukes flew, she managed to repair it after it crashed in the mountain.

She siphoned some fuel out of things. She swooped for the king. And they, she did a low pass just as the missiles were about to launch out. And she grabs the king swings over here and then drops one last bomb on the king and then flies off into the sunset forever and ever as all the bombs fall they don't because he's sick with the plague that's true all right then bob i'm really trying to make you not lose here i'm trying. The radiation from all the nukes going off magically cures my plague.

That's it. That's it. That's the, is that it? No, that's way too far. Look, what if all of that happens, but the EMP from all the nuclear detonations knocks our plane out of the sky? Tragically, our plane crashes to the ground uh in like g7 like my queen saves me

for a moment and we think we're gonna get our redemption and then just all the electronics fry the emp knocks us out of the sky we hold each other as we plummet down the earth there's no more parachutes because this plane's already crashed once it's so close to getting getting it back roll a wheel or flip a coin to see which king dies first. We crash the plane into the building, the bunker that you're in, and one of us dies literal milliseconds before

the other one dies. Alright, who's heads, who's tails? I'm tails. Tails never fails. Wade's his heads then. Alright, heads, beds. Is the one who wins the one who dies or lives no if it's if it's your flip you win right i'm gonna i'm gonna just move the camera because i don't want anyone thinking i'm goofing here all right and we're zooming in on it okay you can't see what it is

hold on let me shine a light on it it's in frame but it's a tiny little blurry dot hold on i'm gonna turn up the iso there it is oh there it is that's that's a tails fair fairly and squarely i guess i hate leaving things up the chance it only usually favors me it only favors you like 90 of the time to be fair all of the things that went wrong were bob's own machinations spell machinations m-a-c-h-i-C-H-I-N-A-T-I-O-N-S. You can do it that fast? Why did it take you so long to spell before? Because there was a lot of high stakes words. All right, fair enough.

Well, anyway, by this totally fair and definitely not way too long game that went according to plan and everything went smooth, Bob's the winner! But we're all dead. Everyone's dead. I didn't even get confirmation. I was just like, God, I hope he he dies first and then engulfed in flame Alright once again Bob doesn't have to make a loser's speech, but I feel like he's dead So he can't make a winner's speech either Wade. You're dead as well

So no winner's speech no loser's speech this week if you enjoyed chess 3 why don't you pick up the new boxed edition? Available through our merch store which is 100% available right here right now I put so much thought into this I planned it out so well you guys can I can't wait to go to the subreddit and hear your guys unending praise

alright well thank you guys be sure to subscribe or follow or favorite or listen to the podcast more. Watch episodes, share with your friends, and we'll have more intelligent conversations. Never. Podcast out.