Distractible - Choose Your Own Cousin

Episode Date: August 17, 2026

Ask not what you can do for your cousin, but what you and your cousin can do for "The Shepherd." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Weirder Wade epitomizes Sartorial success, derides Mark's bullets, and apes Ian Livingstone. Bubba Bath bomb gets clean, tests of beast, and stars as a lone member. Maticulous Mark gets slain by Sandy Sam, snaps bees during butt sex, then goes on an amazing adventure. From losing squared to damning choices. He has. It's time for Choose your own cousin.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hey everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Distractable. I'm your host again because the wheel gods deemed it so. And I'm not complaining. Join as always by my co-host, Mark,

Bob, hey boys. Hello. Golf rules, huh? Funny thing. I know. The odds would be giving myself that one point. Can you imagine how things would have turned out otherwise? It wasn't even a point you had to give yourself. You just did that. I really did. Otherwise, man, Mark, you had 16 to Bob's 15. You could have like double lost.

What? Why would it be a double? Wait, hold on. If I didn't give myself the point, I'm thinking about the golf rules. I guess you would have one of golfers hadn't come up. I would have just lost. I wouldn't have been double loss. It would have been just a lot. Well, losing to me is pretty embarrassing. That's definitely like a double loss. Can I be a loser if tomorrow I might be shot in the desert or be given the ILS? The International Lace Station?

Yeah. Wow. Hold on. There's a lot to unpacking what you just said. It's from the last episode. We were all there. Oh, you think I remember what happened in the last episode? I don't even know who hosted that thing.

That's a lie. He's lying. He's lying. He's lying. He's lying. I caught him. Oh, do I get a lie point just in case? And then the wheel gives you a lie points count and golf rules.

I don't think so. I have a fun episode in store, but I don't even know how I'm going to do points in this one. It's going to be weird. We'll see. It can be weird part seven. We'll see. I'll find the caterpillar. So how goes things?

Mark, you're back in familiar territory it looks like. I took a shower. Oh, sorry. No, it's fine. Whatever. How was it? Did you scrub? Where'd you scrub?

How did you scrub? And where? It may not sound important or consequential. But when you're, it's a whole thing for me to take a shower under running water right now. Have I mentioned my foot? My foot's real fucked up. It was really, really nice to take a shower. It wasn't even a real shower because even with the thing covered my cast, you have to like dangle it way off to the side.

So I'm like doing a one-legged squat with my leg off as far away as possible. Like I haven't felt this good in, in days. Like I were saying months. Taking a real shower, man. It's nice. I never enjoy showers more. Like when you're at home, showers a pain in the ass because you're like, oh, I got to get wet and I got to wash and oh, it's a whole thing. Got to get clothes on.

I sound like a disgusting human people. No, no, I'm with you. I'm with you. It's a burden. But when I'm at a hotel, I shower twice a day. I love showering in a hotel. I don't know why. Like, it's no different.

It's not like the shower is any closer. But for some reason when I'm traveling, I'll shower before I leave. I'll shower when I, as soon as I get back to the hotel. I'm like, oh, finally I can. Is it just having unlimited pumps of various fluids? Well, yeah. So are you, you're not the kind of person where you bring your own stuff, right?

You use whatever's there. Yeah, yeah. I don't care if someone's secretly putting an air in there. You already didn't have, it wouldn't. Yeah, you'd be fine. That would just be shampoo for you. Oh, okay.

But no, I'm totally with you. Even if it's a shitty shower, it's like, to reveal your secrets. How do I get a good shower? And it's a whole, yeah.

No, it's weird. But I, I, you know, I bathe, I want to point that out to everybody who thinks I'm just operating on a pig pen level where I'm stink lines emerging from my body. But I, Sam, you know what to do? Put stink lines on, Wade.

The stinky reverse card. I'm segueing this into my small talk, which has nothing to do with my travels, which no one will ever hear about. And more to do with what probably is going to happen. I'm going to get the ILS tomorrow. I was thinking when we record last time that by oh no by the time people hear this I will have had it Sam put it in my hands See it's here

Be real awkward if you get shot in the desert It's a picture of the crime scene In the desk Put my fate in my son Well here's the thing Sam's going with me So Oh shit

So if this episode If this episode never comes out everybody knows what happened. But I could get the ILS tomorrow. I'm going to bring a lot of my lenses. Not all of them. I'm not going to overwhelm. You show up in the middle of the desert,

just like a tractor trailer, and you're just like unpacked the bag. Like, all right, let's try out these lenses, boys. A crew pops out and starts unpacking like a tables and lenses. Yeah, I kind of do want to do that. I'm going to, because the thing is like, I know I'm going to break it instantly.

I'm going to break it so fast. Because, I mean, the rest of it's like a GoPro, because I chucked this thing around. I literally got footage of me in my. pool just like throwing it as hard as I can really cool shots of just like it's skipping along the surface and then one went actually out of the pool and just went back over on the scraped up a little bit it's it's fine this little cosmetically damage but I'm like this one I can't because it's not waterproof if you put the lens on there it's like weather resistance as much as the lens is but it's

the sensor's exposed right so if without a lens on there so it's like I can't dunk it in but so I got but I'm going to break it I'm going to break it instantly and I'm not going to be able to get another one for a while and you're going to bring it in the first six hours and then he sent an email and I'm still pretty close to your office it was like this when you gave it to me I was just afraid to tell you about it

okay well here's the thing actually they invited me while I was out there's like how much time you got like would you want to go skydiving and I'm just like what in the what in the Red Bull like how the do you guys just have that is that just what GoPro is They got hot air balloons ready to go out the back.

They just got a bunch of parachutes. They have a room full of cameras and then they have the runway. That's it. That's their office. For some reason, I know they're not, but I think GoPro and Red Bull are like owned by the same company because Red Bull always has like goopros everywhere. And it's just like I think that they're, and they both do the extreme action shit. So I forget sometimes that those are those type of people.

And I'm not, right? So I'm like, I don't want to go skydiving. I really don't. I'm expecting like an ad line to like, show us how you go pro. And it's like someone skydiving. like first person cam, someone running with bulls, like dodging. And then there's a GoPro set up watching Mark in the pool throw another GoPro against the wall. Because that's just so boring I am.

I'm filming bees and bees are really cool at all. But at the end of the day, the object, the look of filming bees is really dumb because I'm just through a bush. Oh, ooh. Ah, I'll come back here, bee. And oh, man, I've got footage of it. I chased a bee into a spider web. Oh, I felt so bad.

Oh, no. And I didn't even. get the shot afterwards. I turned the camera away. It got out of the spider web eventually, but I just felt so bad because not only did I chase it in there and it's got tangled up in webs, I didn't even get a footage of it. That was such an idiot. The bees tragic life flew into a spider web escapes, flies into a Venus fly trap escapes and gets hit by a car. Cars totaled. Bees fine. The bee. The bees built different. Then that bee became the king. I didn't even know there were king beast, but that one, it got the title.

Did you know bees when they made with the queen? They ejaculates so hard you can hear a pop Because also their entire butt explodes. That must be what's going on in my knee. There's bees in my knee having sex. That's the only answer. Sitting on the table in the orthopedist office, like, well, Mr. Barnes, I'm afraid you've got be ejaculation in your knee.

According to Mark's GoPro footage, here's what's going on. a doctor standing in the operating room just hefts a GoPro and then it's just like it skips it off the body on the table man what a shot could you please bend over put your hands against the table you hear like the snapping and the looming up the doctor's hands have no gloves you're like

wait what are you beep beep wow that's your reaction here's a live look at what's going on and oh that was the other small talk thing I had I made a mistake this past week, guys. So we have a Tesla Model Y for going around town doing that sort of stuff, and it needed a service. And I scheduled it and I was going to take it into the service center.

And I was one of those where I was just going to sit there and wait because it was only supposed to take like an hour. And they sent a message that was like, well, if you're going to be here, do you want to test drive another car? Uh-oh. And I was kind of like, I mean, I'd rather test drive a car than sit in a waiting room, I guess. And I looked at the options and it was like the car I already have, the car I already have, but smaller, the model three. And then cyber trucks. And in my brain, I was like, there's a zero percent chance I'm ever going to buy a cyber truck. But that means there's a very small chance I'm ever going to get to drive one. And I love driving new cars.

I think it's interesting. I've only driven a couple other pickups. I was just like, curious enough. I was like, sure. I did not make it off the lot before the shame. of sitting inside of that thing where other people could see my stupid face looking out of it was so much

that I almost like turned out of the lot brought it straight back parked it went inside and was like never mind but I did drive it around and it was it wasn't a cyber beast which is the like fastest fastest one I think but it was a three motor which is like the next fastest one the fucking terrifying

god damn it was so fast that it just felt dangerous pretty much any time you actually hit the throttle. But even when I thought I was going to die in the ugliest truck ever made, the shame of knowing that someone might see my mangled corpse inside of what they would know to be the mangled wreck of a cyber truck was so embarrassing that I was like, never mind. I could not stand it. It was awful. But it was really, really fast.

So if you care about only one thing, and that's the fastest, scariest feeling vehicle you could possibly own. Maybe it's for you. But God, I didn't, I underestimated how ridiculous it would feel to be inside of. And holy fuck. I guess I could say I've done that now. But I truly don't ever want to be in a cyber truck. If I can help it, there's nothing that I think that it would appeal.

Because I have another electric truck. And when I drive it, I only feel the shame of driving an F-150, which, you know, as an American, that just naturally is purged from my body. The natural shame. I was in Europe and, you know, selling them what I drove. I was just like, I have to tell him. Yeah, I drive an F-150. But it's electric, you know.

I'm not one of those Americans. I'm just another American. But then again, there was this other, there was this other guy. One of the people I was talking to is actually one of the, one of the best apparently long-range marksman in Europe, like does competitions and things like that. And so he was telling me, I just have to say, like, hey, what round do you shoot? And, and, because I didn't know if I know.

He was like, I didn't know if I know. 11. No, he said, I know big ones. I know bigger ones. B, B, B, B. He said six millimeter. I was like, oh, a six millimeter creed more. And he was like, oh, you know.

And I'm a man. Shut up. Fuck you. Pulled out your bullets, which are all like glued together. Like, yeah, here's my. Got him through tears. TSA knew these weren't a threat I can't believe of all the things you remember

is my goopy bullets I can't remember that The only thing you remember Because it's just not an image I ever expected How do you not remember Like the contents of the last episode But you remember I got goopy 22 Because it's so funny

I spent the last two days at the pool Which was fun I took it really easy Sunday And just kind of like floated around With Molly and relaxed And then yesterday my nephews came by we were tossing football in the pool, so it's the first time I've really gotten to throw football since the knee injury.

Isn't that sort of asking for trouble? No, I was cleared for light activity and pool activity, so just lightly tossing. It's not like I was diving or tackling or anything. But it is that time. I got to take us into our episode, because this one might run a little long. I don't know. I spent a long time putting this together, especially for me. I spent three or four hours.

I was also probably like in a fugue state for the last half of it, so God knows how this is actually going to play out. but it's a game and I put it together. I did. I put an effort, guys. I did. We'll see you about that. Oh, I mean, good job.

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, it'll be great. So I have built a choose-your-own-adventure game, and I'm not going to title it right now,

but we're going to let you guys play through it. We'll see how it goes is my first attempt at doing this. So I told you guys before in this episode's probably a lot of me talking. But hopefully you guys can have some banter and fun in the middle of it and stuff. But I made a choose-your-own adventure, and it's kind of, it's scripted out how it starts, so you guys, there's no flipping, you guys just kind of go in the order I wrote it out in,

but my first attempt at putting the director's hat on. Look out, Mark, coming for your job. I'm so ready. Mark, you find yourself driving through the countryside. You've received word that one of your cousins who lives near here with his family has been going through a rough time and decided to pay him a visit.

You two were closest kids, and though you've grown a bit estranged, you still love him and want to offer some support. Now that it's into autumn, your drive is a beautiful one, with the leaves turning shades of red, yellow, orange, purple, and brown, while the green is quickly becoming overrun by these other colors. The weather is beautiful, there's hardly a cloud in the sky as you make your way down the country highway toward your destination.

You come across a scenic overlook, a nice place to stop, stretch your legs, and look out at the river bend. Your first choice is, do you stop and take a look at the scenic overlook? Or do you keep driving since you got places to be? Well, you said my cousin is in trouble and needs help? He's had a rough year. I would think I would keep going. Me, me, I would in this hypothetical, just because I'm driving for a purpose. I'm enjoying the scene as I'm driving.

I don't need to stop, dip my toes in a river or nothing like that. I'm plowing on. You decide to keep driving. And evening, it's later and later, it starts to get a little dark. Turn your headlights on. You're going through a bit of a forest. when all of a sudden out of nowhere. An animal darts across the road.

Something large, you can barely see. You go to swerve around it. You maintain control of the car, but you feel a... You know something's wrong. You're forced to pull off to the side, and when you get out and go and check out the car, you see that your front right and back right tires are flat. You do have one spare,

but unfortunately, it looks like you're kind of stranded. Shit. You haven't seen a lot of cars out, especially this late? But you could wait in the car hoping somebody drives by. You don't really have great service. You're in the middle of the countryside in the woods, so cell service is a bit spotty. So your choice is to either wait in the car, hoping somebody comes by and I'll give you some assistance,

or you can hop out, follow the highway, hoping you come across a gas station or small town here soon. Did I hit something? Is that what happened? The thong thunk sounded really like I ran over the thing I was trying to avoid. When you go to investigate, you can't really see what caused the tires to pop. Like, it seems like you must have. Maybe you hit some nails or something. The tires are pretty fucked up, but like, you don't really see what caused it.

Did I see where the nearest gas station was when I passed it? Do I know how long ago that was? It has been a long time since you've seen anything the way you came from. You're assuming there has to be something not too far ahead because just the way that driving works. Do I know how far from my cousin's place I am? Not exactly. You've not been here in a long time. You would estimate a couple hours.

Uh, a couple hours by car. car. Not necessarily. Maybe a couple hours walking. Okay. All right. What time is it? It's dark outside at this point, so we're probably looking at, I don't know, 10, 11 p.m.

I'm guessing I don't have a phone. You do, but there's no service. Well, do I got games on my phone? I mean, I imagine some. Especially some you can play offline. All right, sweet, sweet. You know, there's at least two games you can play offline in 2026. All right, I'm sticking in the car.

I'm sticking in that car. I'm sitting around waiting, you know. I got gas. I can turn on the heater if it gets cold. but better survival, I guess. We're going to pause you there, and we're going to go over to Bob. Oh, I thought I was just listening for this whole episode. Another day, another dollar.

You've lived in this small town your entire life. The past few years you've been working at a local grocery store is the lone member of the closing shift. Prices have gone up recently. People have been driving you crazy with their grumpiness. Or maybe it's your grumpiness. It's hard to tell. Life here is boring.

The days, blend into weeks, blend into months, so on and so on. The town's recently upgraded its power grid and now boasts. high-speed internet, only you know that this high-speed internet is still 20 years behind the times anywhere else. Well, at least it's a step in the right direction. You're browsing your phone, waiting for your shift to end, when all of a sudden, this high-powered power grid goes out. Not the excitement you were hoping for, but it figures. Not like you wanted to finish reading that article anyway. Do you go outside and investigate the power outage or wait inside hoping it just clicks back on? Really been stuck in it rough

I always keep the temperature in the store A little warmer than I'd like Is it a cool evening? I would say it's still relatively warm outside It's into fall at this point So it's not like blistering hot But it's a warm, dry evening Well, if it's not humid

I guess I'll see what it's like outside Maybe it'll be more pleasant than inside It's kind of stuffy in here, so You step outside And you notice that I mean it's late and you guys are one of the later stores around town. There's not that much to do. It's a small town after all, but you don't really see any lights anywhere. The parking lot's empty other than your bike that you typically ride to work. There's

one car in the parking lot, which looks like one of your regulars cars, but no one's been in the store for a while. Otherwise, it's just kind of dark out there. The only thing that's of note is this car. I guess your choice is go investigate the car or go back and wait out your shift. I walk up to the car and test if it's locked just for security purposes. You walk up to the car and you find that the driver's side seat is open, so the door is just open. There's groceries bought from your store sitting on the passenger seat. You don't see keys, you don't see much else. Well, under your foot you see a piece of paper, you pick it up and examine it, and it's a flyer. It says, meeting tonight at midnight at the farm, with the farm being

capitalized. I mean, you know of the place they call the farm. You're from here and you know what they're talking about. But it's kind of strange. If there was a meeting at the farm and Mr. Hanley, whose car it is that you're seeing, he's one of your regulars, if he was going, why would he leave his car like this? Why wouldn't he have just driven there or at the very least closed his car door and left? I guess you have a couple options. You could go check out the farm, place you've been before. Or you can say, you know what? It's late. Not my problem. I'm going to wait, lock up the store and go home. I mean, I can sell anything anyway. There's no power.

So I am going to check and see if the keys are in the car. There's no keys around, unfortunately. Do I know how to hotwire the specific model of car? You do not. But you do have your bike. Yeah. I guess I'll ride. How far is the farm?

How far of a bike ride is the farm? Not too far. Probably 10, 15 minutes. Oh, that's pushing us. That's on the edge of the range. I'm willing to ride my bike just to see if anything is happening somewhere. I guess I still have to go see. I definitely don't want to stay at work in the dark with no power or anything.

Well, you can lock up and go home or you can lock up and go to the farm. Either way, you're probably going to lock up this door. Yeah, I lock the doors so no one can just come and steal shit. And then I ride my bike over to the farm because it might be the first thing that's happened here in literally years. As you're running to the farm, Mark, I'm going to cut back to you. Playing games. Playing games on your phone, waiting it out. As you're waiting, a car passes.

You try to reach out and like wave them down, but they keep going past you by. You wait a bit longer. And this time you see the headlights. You wave your arm out and they kind of pull over, stop. And somebody gets out, kind of yells cautiously over. Hello there. You need of some assistance? You'll never believe it.

Oh, man. This road's crazy. How'd you avoid it? Both my tires. Back ones exploded. I've been here a long time. I don't know how long I was playing games. It was real fun.

Hey, how do you help me? Well, I can offer you a ride as far as the motel not too far ahead, and maybe you can call for help from there. Get someone to tow your car in and replace your tires, but I'm just passing through for the night. It's kind of late, maybe I'll stay at the motel too. I can give you a ride over there. We can have a room together.

Oh, I don't know about that. I don't know you that well, stranger, but... All right, save money. They usually come twos. How do you help me? Not only can you give me a ride, you can give me a room. No, I'm going. I'm going.

Hell yeah. I leap through their window from my window. You hop in the car with this stranger. Yep. And you make some small talk. They talk about, you know, they're here to see some family, this and that. And part of a business venture, they're hoping to get some funding because their family has yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You make small talk.

You tell me here to visit your cousin. And it's actually relatively peaceful. It's nice to have companionship after a while. You still can't seemingly get phone service. as you get closer and closer to town, but eventually the motel comes into sight and this guy pulls off, parks, and you get to the motel. Last chance for be roomies. You appreciate your offer, but pot slightly declines and gets himself a separate room. So you are staying.

Good. You walk up to the, you know, the clerk or bellhop or whatever, and you say you need a room, and they ask for a name. You heard of Markiplier? He says, no, doesn't really look up, just scribbles it down. Alright, okay. Alright. It puts you in room seven. Should put the other guy in six.

You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Yeah, thank God you didn't get that. So you go into your room, you got your bags and everything. The guy was nice not to let you put your bags in there. Got your car keys, even though your car is stranded. But when you go to use the phone to call for like a tow truck, there's no ringtone. It seems like the phones are down for whatever reason, so you're not able to get a hold of anybody tonight.

And your phone's still not working, but whatever, you're tired, you've got a room, you lock up. You lock up, make sure the windows are locked, doors are locked, whatever, and you go to sleep for the night. You are awakened in the middle of the night, though, to the sounds of rustling, a whispered conversation, maybe even a bit of like a scuffle or a struggle. It's hard to make out the noises, but it sounds strange. It's probably, I don't know, four in the morning at this point. Could be nothing. You could just ignore it and...

I'm going for it. As fast as I can, my best buddy might be in trouble. You go. You unlock the front door, you swing it open to go. go see what's going on, but, well, there's a group of people wearing, I don't know, masks and strange outfits, and they're actually positioned in a semicircle around your room. And as you open the door, one of them walks up and says, it won't be in vain. And as you're contemplating what that means, everything goes dark. Oh, like the lights? You're dead. Oh, okay. We had a death. Yay.

Hey. It's going to be tough to come back from that. We do what everyone does to choose your own adventure. We don't go back to the beginning. We just go back a step. Oh, I see. I see, I see. I never done that.

All right, Bob, we're going to cut back to you. Yeah, I was riding my bike about 10 or 15 minutes to the farm. As you approach the farm, you see there are vehicles here. There's people parked here. It's kind of late, but it looks like there's a bit of a party going on. There's something going on here. So you approach on your bike. And as you get closer, you see that they're dress kind of funny.

Maybe this is like a costume party or something, but people are dressed funny over at the barn. And it looks like they're maybe someone's hurt. They're helping somebody. No, they're dragging someone into the barn. The person looks to be arc. Unconscious? Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Unconscious. Yeah. You're not entirely sure. But I guess you could stay back here and keep an eye on things or else you could go up and see if they're all right. You can approach and investigate a little bit closer up. Oh, I definitely ride my bike up. and just sort of casually lay it down like I'm a 12-year-old visiting his friend's house just in the gravel in the parking lot like goosh and keep walking try and look like I'm

supposed to be there you know confidence I'm just going to check it out uh wearing your clerk's outfit from the grocery store and not this strange costume or whatever robe you ride your bike up closer to where this person's being dragged up in the barn and you inquire hey what's what's going on everything okay and multiple figures turn over and a familiar voice Who's voice is that? They say, Bob, we told you not to come. Someone quickly grabs you from behind, and as you're trying to figure out what's happening,

the lights go out, and you find yourself uncomfortably dead. Damn, there's a lot of death here. Mark, you find time rewinding. Whoa. You're back in your room. You hear rustling outside. But who! Hope they didn't hear that.

You could sneeze really loudly and alert them to your presence, or you could open the door to investigate, or you could try waiting it out, see what happens. There is a window in the back. Maybe even you want to approach that. I think you should see what's outside the door. Maybe it'll be different this time. Maybe it'll be different.

You never know. I mean, if you got... Listen, this is your time as well as mine. You can open the door and see what happens. All right. You know what? No, no, no. I'll wait and see.

So you decide to wait in the room and you hear the scuffling going on outside. You hear murmured whispers. And eventually you hear I got one of them. There's one more in room seven. And now you know, you have a feeling that something's not right here. That's your room.

What do you mean there's one more in room seven? So again, you're confronted with the options of... You're telling me there's two people in here? Well, there's one in room seven. You can infer where the other one might have been. This is that of the idea of Mark laying in bed and he hears that and he's just like, no, there is it? There are five people in here.

I love sleeping in room 8. Your survival senses kick in at this point because thankfully, Mark in this scenario is a little bit more apt to survival than Mark in real life. Ah, oh, I see. Okay, all right. And as you hear them say that, your brain starts to comprehend like, okay, something's wrong. I've heard a scuffle. Now they're saying there's someone in room 7, that's me.

And then you hear them working at the lock to the door. Quickly you realize you're in trouble. So you go to the back window. You unlock it. You open the window. you climb out and you go to get the fuck out of there. I know how to home alone

an apartment real quick. That's actually what I do every time I go into a new hotel. I home alone the whole thing. It's really dangerous. Good thing I don't sleepwalk, but yeah. If I can rewind time,

I know how to fight them and it's just like I gotta throw myself out enough to be able to figure out. How many rewinds do we get? Oh, as many as it takes till we get to, well, I mean, technically you both just ended.

I could just end the episode right there, but I figured I'd give you a little bit more. No, I want to find out the answers. Bob, back to you. You're watching the barn from a distance, and again, you see someone being dragged, maybe they're unconscious, and you have the option to approach or stay back and keep an eye from a distance. Same options you were presented before. I look over and I'm like, oh, I know those guys, and I follow you turn and turn towards home.

You go to leave, but before you do, you see as you look over your shoulder, the person that was being dragged in disappears, but you see another group walking out of the barn. This time carrying, there's a group of like four of them carrying a box. The box looks very decorated. You can't really make out from here much about it, but it looks pretty fancy. And people carrying that box are on their way out. You're not sure where because you're just getting out of there. So you hop on your bike and you're just getting the hell out of there.

And as you're riding, you're trying to figure out what the heck's been going on. I mean, the power's out. Mr. Hanley's car was in the parking lot. There's strange stuff going on over at the farm. You find yourself riding your bike to a familiar place, a place that you've been to every Sunday for the past, you know, every Sunday for your entire life. The old church.

And as you go up to the church, you see that the front door, the church is open. Now the church is always open to people. You can always go in, but typically the door is at least closed. So that's a little strange, but maybe someone else is trying to find answers to what's going on in this town tonight.

So do you want to stop and check out the church or? I very stealthily pull my bike over and carefully lay it down so it doesn't make a sound. I draw the 22 I keep tucked in my grocery store waistband and approach the door tactically. You pull out your empty squirt gun that you keep on you just for fun. I call her my 22. You walk up to the church where the doors open. And you know that, I mean, this is a, this is a relatively big church. The entire town usually congregates here. There's a few people don't. You yourself, you're not a big believer, but your parents go and you attend. And it's a nice town tradition. So you're familiar with this place. And as you go to peep in, it's

eerily silent. You look, you don't see anybody. You don't hear any movement. So you kind of take a step, look around. There's no one hiding in the shadows. Just kind of empty. You do see that at the front, at the pew, or I think Pew is the right word, or altar where the pastor stands. normally there's like a cloth you know decorative cloth that kind of hangs over the front and the back of it the cloth isn't there at the moment and there is a strange symbol

carved into the back of the altar facing the pews the symbols you know how like when people draw the sun it's a circle with like little lines coming out to show the rays it's like that but it's instead of a round sun it's kind of shaped like an like an eyeball and there's rays coming off of it and below there are three Vs

each with a dot in the center. Is my character in this universe unfamiliar with the Illuminati? It's not exactly an Illuminati symbol, but I guess there are some parallels. You haven't seen this particular symbol before. I feel scared. As you're investigating that, I'm going to cut back over to Mark. Mark, you snuck out the window of the motel.

I sure did. And you're running. People are looking for you. So you snuck away, and now it's just, let's book it in case they keep looking. As you're running, you pass by a couple of places. that look unfriendly or just empty, like they wouldn't be of much help to you. But eventually you come across one of the taller buildings you've seen in the town. It's relatively small town.

There's not much here. That's a nice tall stone church. And you see a bike out front and you swear walking in the door as you're running. You know that person. That's your cousin. That's who you came here to see. Oh. You go to call out, but you've been running for a minute.

You're a bit of a little. of breath. So as you go to yell, you just can't quite get it out. So you stop for a moment, catch your breath, you kind of like walk for a minute. And then you realize maybe yelling isn't the best idea since you're trying to, you know, not be caught right now. So you're making your way over to the church where Bob, you finally do hear a noise. And when you turn around, is that your cousin walking into the church? He doesn't live in this town. You've not seen him in years, but you swear that's Mark. Hmm. I swear that's Mark. Whoa. Did you time travel too?

I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, right. Okay. Did you turn the power off to the whole town? Was that you? No, why would I do that? I don't even know where that would be. That's suspicious of me to say it that way, but listen.

Now you're being kind of evasive right now. I don't know how I feel about that. Don't make me squirt you. I don't want that. Hey, anyway, there's probably, okay, I don't time travel. Either, but if I did, I think that if people trying to to kill me. I might have died. You seem fine. I know, I seem fine, but I heard whispering and that's like evil. Yeah, I have to agree. I have to agree with that. That's definitely evil.

Yeah, so I ran here from the hotel and I'm what's up with the cell service. I assume that's correlated to the power. I don't know because it seems like it's all it's all off everywhere. Uh, yeah, well I don't know man, it's been a while. I um, do you want to come back to my place or Is the reason I'm here? Well, I only have the bike, so I'll meet you there. You're going to have to walk. How fast do you walk? Maybe I could, maybe, how slow can you ride a bike?

Maybe we can make this work. We can go, I can steal them, bike. What if you run and I'll ride as slow as I can? Because you said you wanted to get away from someone anyway or whatever. Yeah, I need to go fast, I guess. I don't know if they're chasing me. If they're chasing you, they're real slow, because this conversation is going on for a minute.

I'll interject and I'll interject. offer you guys a real choice here if you'd like. You two are discussing, you're catching up a little bit, and you're turning to leave when Bob, you see that symbol on another door in the church, the same symbol on the altar. Again, it's a strange one, not one that you recognize, but there it is carved into that door all the same. You two are talking about leaving, trying to get out of here, and you can do that. Or maybe there's some answers here as to what's going on.

You could push in and investigate the church a bit deeper. You know that there's like the pastor's chambers. he's pretty sure there's like a basement archive here. Do I know if this church has a parsonage? Wade doesn't know what a parsonage is. That's where the pastor lives. It's the house often attached to the church. I would say this seems like the kind of place that that would be,

yeah, that's probably. Yeah, I would say the pastors like chambers slash parsonage are probably one part of this. In fact, you think the door with that symbol probably actually leads there, which is also happens to where the access to like the basement and other stuff is because, you know, they don't want people that's walking in the church

have access to everything. So you can go back there and check all that stuff out. So you guys can go and investigate that or you can leave. That's up to you. I hold my squirt gun up by my face and look tactical. All right, Mark, you go in and investigate and I'll guard the door. All right. Okay, I like that.

I like that. I'm all about that plan. All right. Do I have a choice in this? I mean, you could disagree with him, but ultimately you two have to come to a consensus. Do we both have to go to the same place or can we screw with you? You're both in the church or you're both leaving the church? You remember to choose your own adventures?

The video comes to an end and Mark's like, hey, do you do this? Do you click on one of the two options? I'm giving you the two options. Well, I'm with what he says. I'm not going to stay as long as you, we Scooby do this and we split up. Yeah, we're staying, but I'm staying over here and you're staying over there. Okay. I mean, I can change the wording, but the description's going to stay pretty much the same of what happens.

We'll see about that. Mark, you go through the door with a symbol on it, and you find yourself in the parsonage or the chambers. and you're looking around. Parsonage. Parsonage. Parsonsage. Ah!

Great. The symbol that you saw on the door, again, the eyeball with the rays coming off, the three Vs with the dots in the middle, that's everywhere back here. Written on papers, it's carved into, you know, little wooden figurines and stuff,

that symbol's just seemingly everywhere. Among the documents, as you're sifting through seeing the symbol, you see a bunch of mentions of something called the shepherd. And one of the documents talks about how early on, whenever the shepherd first came about, it was a time of great harvest. Rain was plentiful. Livestock were healthy.

Crops were growing like never before. And everything in the town was booming. And in celebration, people brought gifts. They brought jewelry, carvings, food, all kinds of things to thank the shepherd for their bountiful harvest. Over time, this seemed to slow down. And there were less and less returns, and then there were some times of hardship. Maybe their offerings would become stale. They were offering the same types of things every year.

So maybe they needed to give the shepherd something else, something new, and increase, well, the word they use is sacrifices to the shepherd. You find other documents referencing the shepherd and different things, you know, people have given and years of Bountable Harvest, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But nothing, nothing else that really strikes out and seems. that much more interesting, that's the most of what you find. Bob, while you're waiting outside in the pews, keeping an eye on everything, making sure no one else comes in and that you're ready to hit them with your squirt gun that you've now filled, I guess, with some holy water if you want. Definitely.

Nothing happens. It's pretty quiet other than the ruffling in the other room where Mark's going through documents and things, old records. Nothing interesting happens. And then Mark comes out and we'll, for the sake of argument, just share with you what he found. For you, because you've lived to your whole life, you've heard people talk about the shepherd. You have some recollection even as a kid of going and giving one of your old toys that you used to love but didn't really care about anymore as a gift to the shepherd, but it just seemed like

kind of a strange town tradition to thank for the bountiful harvest. And as you go to leave the church, you guys make your way toward, where was it you originally intended to go? Your house? Back to my place, yeah? Yeah, I mean, I'd be down. Just a parsonage in there. It's like 4.30 in the morning, so I don't know what the other options really are, but... He works the night shift at the convenience stories. That makes sense. As you make your way, you two make your way toward Bob's house. There's kind of like a bunch of patrols going around through the town. Different groups of people with flashlights talking to each other.

The road to your house, there's like a barricade almost set up. There's people set up with their cars and flashlights. It looks like maybe even some of them are armed. And they're just blocking different paths. You don't see a clear way to easily get to your house, but you can either go up to the barricade and see what's up. Maybe this is unrelated. The person at the barricade isn't wearing same robes you saw at the farm.

Or, you know, the people you may have glanced at mark as you were running from the motel. They're not dressed the same, but they are barricading the road. Or, I mean, the patrols, this is a small town. There's only so much room they can cover. There may be our ways around the barricade. So you don't have to go up to it. But if you're trying to get directly to your house, that's probably the fastest way. Hey, his cousin, is this normal?

It is not. Oh, God? No, God says it's not normal. All right. I got you, boys. Have they spotted us yet? No, I'd say they have not. I got to say my instinct was to toss my swar gun into your hands

and then run at them screaming. He's chasing me. He's got a gun just to see if I could get myself through. Actively choosing not to do that because we're cousins. Thanks, because. But I have no other strategies for this type of situation. So I don't know. We'll just see if we can get through there.

I mean, is your house like, do you got guns at your house? Do you got... Oh, no, it's barely even a house. It's technically inside, is how I would describe my house. So not defensible place. You got snacks? I got beer. I can't really drink.

Yeah. It's a tap water. It's got so much stuff swimming in it. It's kind of like a snack and a drink. It's fine. I drink it all the time. It's fine. It's totally safe.

You'll me boil it for you? It would be great to be at Bob's house, but I'm going to remind you your choices are to what? approach the barricade or go around it. Either way, your goal is to get to Bob's house, but you can figure out what's there if you make it there. I'm not a metaphysics professor, but I do think there's a way better chance.

We're going to get to where we want to go if we try not to go directly through the barricade of things, people, and cars, and maybe we just go around it. They probably only barricade from the front anyway. You try to make your way around, and as you're dodging patrols, dodging different barricades, and just people driving by, you're trying to stay out of sight.

Your goal is to not be found because you don't know what the hell is going on here You don't know what this shepherd is you don't know what people in the robes are doing You don't know why people are out blocking off different parts of the roads it's strange A couple of times you have to cut through people's yards you have to cut through the woods a little bit And as you're cutting through the woods you come across what you thought was a clearing You remember it being a clearing but not anymore There's cars here some cars that look old and weathered some that look newer and Mark, your car is here.

Oh my gosh. The car still has two flat tires, but it's here amongst all these other cars. And as you go to look to see if maybe you guys can take one of these, I mean, there are a bunch of cars here. There's no tools left behind. There's no spare tires left behind. There's no keys.

Got a quick glance. You know, you're not going through every single part of every single car. But it seems like a lot of these cars have flat tires. And those that don't, you know, you might pop up. hood and take a look. It looks like the engine was messed with. Whatever happened to all these cars, it seems intentional. You guys can take a moment and really search this place to hopefully find either a working car or something useful, some information here, or you were here, what if more cars get dropped off? What if somebody comes by? Maybe it's best just to get out of here as fast as possible.

So you guys want to search around a bit or do you want to get the hell out of here? Dude, that's my car. You don't have to brag about it. I mean, that's good. It's congratulations. Yeah, I mean, I'm doing really well. I mean, it's not working right now, but I mean, yeah, yeah. I can smell you. These cars all look generally pretty fucked. Do you know how to like, do you know anything about cars? No, if I did, I wouldn't be in this situation, man.

I just buy them with my money that I got. I got a lot of it. How many cars you bought? You got a lot of money? How many cars? Well, you know, I kind of buy one. I leave it on the side of the road when the tires explode and I buy another, you know, because I can't get that car to work anymore.

So I just buy them up. But it's weird that it's here. It is weird that it's here. I'm just saying I just came when I met with you at the church, I just came from work. And so I'm pretty tired. So if we have to fix one of these things to steal it, I mean, or yours to use yours because it's not stealing. If you use it, I guess. I'm not really into that.

So you can get maybe we go lay down Yeah we can have some beer dinner and call it good Yeah yeah have that water That sounded good It's thick You'll love it God we're going to my house You're leaving without searching further in the car

Place is what I'm gathering right I looked Did you look? Did you spend some time looking or did you guys I looked with my eyeballs And then I ascertained the truth of the situation Yeah shouldn't you know Couldn't you just tell you I've got other people's games I'm running.

I'm kind of, you know, omniscient, but also like I'm busy, so I'm only half paying attention. It's kind of my thing. You guys aren't the only versions of you I have to watch right now. I don't like that. Okay. So you leave with the goal of getting to Bob's house, maybe finding Bob's family. That's what I'm gathering. You guys are hoping to do.

I always forget about those guys. Bob lives with his parents, you know. Oh, your parents are still alive. So this is your parents' house. Well, look, the basement is 100% mine. So it's like my, that's my house, and then they live with me in the part that I let them stay in. Well, let's just get in there then, because they probably know what's going on with all these cars and what's what's going on with all that. Okay, but you have to be kind of quiet because dad's going to be pissed if we wake him up.

Oh, okay. All right. Uncle for me. Uncle dad, yeah. You're off to find Bob's house, Bob's family. There's some crazy shit going on in this town. There's all these cars. There's the symbol.

There's the decorated box. Who knows what else. you guys might have overlooked or missed and even if you did know what was going on in this town it still doesn't make any fucking sense everyone's acting crazy and different bob you're realizing that maybe you're wrong but whenever you were watching the barn you heard people talking one of the voices sounded maybe like it was your mom's voice it'd be weird for her to be there especially with what was going on but as you're approaching your house you just have that realization that maybe maybe you did hear her voice there in the distance and the symbol's been nagging at you again you grew up

up here you know a lot of these people nothing like this has ever happened before but you guys are approaching the house and that symbol just keeps resonating in your mind and maybe you talk to mark about it mark it doesn't really ring any bells for you other than at the church you don't think you've ever seen that symbol before never and you get to the the front of your yard and then you remember there's a clearing a place called the hollow that's where you brought your gifts that's where you would give your toy that's where people brought their jewelry and things to the hollow and it's like many places here off in the woods a bit but it's strange because this hollow is almost like a bowl shape and it's just dirt nothing ever really grows in the center there's trees around it's in the woods

but there's no weeds no grass the hollow is just that it's hollow it's just a area of dirt where there's like a bit of a shrine erected and people would give things to the shepherd you think that that's the name maybe there's something to this hollow because as you walk into the house your family's not there You do find a note that says Bob, don't go to the farm. But there's nothing else really here. I mean, there's some snacks, there's a drink. Comfortable beds, if you trust sleeping. I love sleeping.

I also love sleeping. I got my sleeping interrupted by these murderers who showed up, I think. I'm excited we're finally back to a place with beds. Yeah, and no murderers. Seems like it. You guys can crash here, try to get some rest. Or maybe you should go out. and try to find Bob's parents.

Look, man, I'm an expert at reading messages. This says don't go to the farm. Where's the farm? Not here. So I gotta say, everywhere else we've gone? Bad news. This place? Pretty cool. It's got armed guards outside. I've never felt safer.

I've never felt safer than being in this house with you, friend, cousin, actually. We can be both. I remember when I said that I said, I heard a voice say, I love my cousin. And I love you. So are you guys going to choose to stay the night here? As I finished stripping all of my clothes off all the way down to butt naked, I turn around and look at Mark and say, you know what, man? I think you're on to something.

The whole stay-in-here idea. But I'm just going to throw it out there. While we were sneaking through the weird field full of your car and others, I just had this thought, you know, like, I know this big sort of hole in the ground type place where nothing grows, and there isn't really anything. and it's in the middle of the woods. It's kind of just like a big empty dirt patch.

You want to go look at that? Well, you know, actually, this sounds pretty cool. Hey, the sun's rising. It could be really pretty. You think the sun sets real late here must rise real early, too. All right, I put on some different clothes that aren't my work uniform.

I guess we're going to go check out the hollow. All right, you know what? Hey, that's a cool name for it, the hollow. Should be called the big bowl in the woods, but the hollow's, you know, creepier. Man, I'd just given you guys a choice I hadn't even written in and you guys went back to my script. Thank you for that. Sleeping in the house was originally something I had planned, but you guys seemed so tired.

I couldn't. How could I not give you the option? I'm exhausted. It's like five in the morning. I got some sleep. You guys go to head to the hollow. You know, luckily for you, your family owns a couple of different bicycles. So you've got your bike and Mark manages to get a bike as well.

You know, your car's not here. The family car's not here. Keep telling them I need a car. And you go to pedal over to the hollow. Again, there's still some patrol. There's still the barricades on like the main roads, but you found a way here, you kind of backtrack a bit and find your way back, and you know where the hollow's at. And it's a bit further from the central town itself. So as you approach the hollow, you have less and less patrols and such to worry about.

But there's some activity over here as you're coming up to the hollow. Like the people that were at the farm are now over here. Again, you're confronted with the option of do you want to sneak around and listen, get a better sight, or just go straight in acting like you belong? I belong. You're the one who doesn't belong. So I'm not really that worded. What do you mean? You're not from here. Oh. I got to say, I feel less safe here than I did at home. At the house where I'm feeling like maybe we should have stayed, but it's way too late. I felt pretty solid. I think we should be sneaky here in case anyone is being, you know, bad. I mean, generally speaking, running around screaming, lo-di-da, it's probably not a great thing to do in the morning anyway.

I don't make fun of your morning routine, but whatever. So we'll sneak. We'll try and sneak around and see what's going on before we. La-di-da. Okay, fine. I wouldn't look as crazy if you did it with me. Look, I love you, cousin, but this backwards town of la-di-da people, you know, it's just like, I'm not trying to be racist or anything, but you guys are real la-di-dars.

It's fine. Well, Bob started to sneak up without you and then decided to stop and give you that comeback and give you that burn. What you feel, Mark, you do feel. I do feel. He didn't say what name it was, but I got the implication. On the outside, I was like, I bet it's a good name because we're all rich, but in the inside I know it's going to hurt. So I don't even ask what it was. Shaking off the burns that you both just succumbed each other to, you both start to sneak up a little bit.

And as you get closer and closer to the hollow itself, you can see that there's a service, a ceremony. Some kind of ritual even taking place. The decorated box you saw from a distance at the farm, Bob, is up kind of central on a, like a wooden built platform. And you see your church pastor up there. Well, he's walking down and he's approaching your parents. You see them and the pastor is walking over to them. As he's approaching them, you kind of get a view of the rest of the hollow.

And you see there's pews set up. People are sitting at the pews, all the pews facing this central altar. And your attention turns back over to the pastor approaching your parents. And it seems like he's not very happy. and you sneak up a bit closer and you're listening, they're talking about you. The pastor's angry that you aren't there, and your parents are a bit defensive.

They say, Bob's been attending his whole life. We've had the good years, we've had the bad years, and nothing has been different with Bob's beliefs all throughout. It's not him. The pastor responds, Things have changed. We must change.

We must adapt and give to the shepherd, or our way of life will first. ever cease to be. It seems like the pastor is getting more and more animated. You're afraid he might even strike or lash out. He's trembling a bit. His fists are clenched. Is he carrying a weapon at his side of some kind?

It's hard to tell because he is wearing robes, but you can choose to keep listening or are your parents in danger? I'm not going to lie, cousin. This looks really suspicious. Your parents talking to the pastor guy, them saying, about killing something. Maybe us.

You know. Look, I think I have a plan. I have a plan. I have a plan. I developed a plan. It's what I'm thinking is. You stay here. Stay low. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I'm going to stand up and walk out there. Are you okay?

And I'll be there. You'll be near. And that's the deal, my dear. And I stay here. And I stay hidden. And I'll tell them you're cool. Oh, you're. gonna tell them I'm here. If they don't notice you, like maybe you sneak back to the house and just go have a nap. But if they notice you, because it's possible, they'll notice you, I'll just tell them that you're cool. Uh-huh. So I'll tell them you're cool. It'll be fine. You're gonna la-di-da over there. You're gonna do you're just gonna la-de-da.

That's really, that's unrelated. I'll walk. Oh, how do you want me to walk? Would it make you feel better if I walked your way? My way? I don't walk, silly. At this point, things are becoming very animated. They're getting up in each other's faces, your parents and the pastor. They're yelling, they're screaming, fists are clenched on both sides. It seems like things are going to come to blows very quickly. I spring into action. All right, cousin, we're doing my plan. Stay low.

What I do you? What I walk out in my traditional manner. Hello, it's me. I'm here. I got your note, mom and dad. I'm sorry that I'm late for the... This great speech, by the way, pastor man. I'll just sit with mom and dad and then you guys don't have to worry. I'm here.

Just like always. I always been here. I always show up. And don't look in the bushes behind me. It's exactly how you imagined things would go down. But as you step out and start to run out and make noise, unfortunately you're a moment too late. The pastor draws what looks like a ceremonial blade.

And it goes right across the throat of your mom. and she collapses in a heap. You yell and charge in. That's my battle yell. Distracting the pastor long enough where he looks in your direction, your dad reacts grabbing the blade and thrusting it through the pastor.

As the pastor goes to drop, your dad quickly reaches into his robes and grabs a glowing tube of some kind, some kind of just, I don't know, it's like a rod, but it's got a glow to it. It's like a glow stick. Is dad a glow? lover? But before you can make

heads or tails of what you're looking at, the congregation is realizing what's happened. Your dad seizing the opportunity to take control of the situation yells to them. The shepherd left us this one blessing. As he holds it up. And it is now in my possession. What's left

of my family and I are leaving. And if any of you try to stop us, I will destroy the shepherd's gift, ensuring damnation to us all. And the congregation, which was starting to charge over freezes, stopping in place, not daring to risk seeing damage to the shepherd's gift.

I jump out and I go, I'm also family. I'm family too. Do the walk. I don't want to do the walk. Do the walk. They'll never believe you. Come on, man. No, I'm just family.

They look at you as if they don't believe you. Oh, laity. They freeze once again as they realize you're part of the family. I'm doing this as I make my way over. Don't get, don't get fancy. Don't get fancy. Whoa.

Whoa. da da da la da da da da da da da da da do do they start moving a little bit you know everyone's head start to bob yeah which is exactly how you imagined it would get up we got vivid abandonations here mark walks up and joins you to uh shock and adrenaline keeping you guys going at this point where what's happened to your mom hasn't quite sunk in and what's happening around you still doesn't make sense your dad continues to speak and says i will leave this at the edge of town as we leave You can recover it and pray the shepherd returns. But if I believe any of you are following us or trying to stop us before we leave,

I will destroy this without hesitation. You two, along with Bob's dad, are forced to leave the body of his wife and your mom behind. In the car, because your dad, thankfully, did have a car here. As you're driving away, you're all feeling very paranoid. You're looking behind you, you're looking out the windows, you're checking the mirrors, you're making sure no one is following you. You pass by some of the checkpoints,

your barricades, your dad holding up the cylinder, and none of them knowing quite exactly what happened, but seeing the relic knowing that that's a key. You guys get to go through. And you managed to reach the edge of town. Your dad had promised to leave the relic if you guys were able to leave town, and he goes to set it down in one of the last barricade cars before you all leave. Finally, just a moment of humanity washes over him and even you as you realize the gravity of what you saw happen to your mom. Your dad grips the relic tightly. And instead of the moment, Instead of setting it down, he smashes it on the road instead of setting it down as you leave the town behind you forever. The drive goes on, eventually you succumbed to sleep.

You guys haven't gotten to rest. When you wake up, he's still driving and he decides to tell you some story about the shepherd. The shepherd had arrived in this small town decades ago at this point, a very long time ago, from the sky. Was the shepherd an alien? Was it a spacecraft? Was he a god? It's hard to know for sure. His powers, whether they were innate or technological,

did bless the town with harvests and bounties, and people were joyous and gave gifts to the shepherd to thank him. But one day, the shepherd seemingly disappeared or refused to help anymore. The visitors came into town outsiders, and there was an accident. They'd come to the hollow, whenever there was some construction going on, and ultimately they ended up getting hurt and passing away. However, after their blood spilled in the hollow, the following years, it seems like the blessing of the shepherd had returned.

There was a bountiful harvest, plenty of rain, and the pastor and the pious believe that maybe now the shepherd demanded blood sacrifice. Your parents were unwilling participants. You weren't as pious as some of the other kids and family members in the town, and that irked people, but because your parents were willing to help with the sacrifices, you were safe, at least for a while. And that's the only reason they participated was to protect you. You pass out again, exhaustion, and you awaken hearing your dad muttering to himself.

I shouldn't have done that. I know I shouldn't have done that. And as you open your eyes, you see a light in the sky ahead, and then another, and then another, and a whole bunch of lights start to appear. You escaped the town, you lost your mom, but whatever lies ahead, You know in your bones, this time there is no escape. Except for me, right? No, you did the dance. You're part of the family.

Fuck. Ah, shit. I knew I knew I should not die. I knew you were up to something with that dance. I knew it was up to no good. Long story short, I had, I think, like I said, about 10 endings to this. And that was one of the, me endings. Like, you know, not a good ending, but not the worst ending.

The deaths, there were multiple ways for you guys to die. And then you guys found a couple of those, I think. Only two of them. Out of like six or seven, I had. I tried to die more. I tried. I don't know that I'll play through this exact scenario with you all again, but I can walk you through how you could have gotten the best ending if you'd like and some of the

things you missed. Was it fun? Was it good? Yeah, yeah. I wanted to know what was going to happen. So there were ways to get more information. So, Mark, you waited in the car and found the guy driving by. If you had chose to walk along the highway, you could have come across a house where you

would have met Crazy Walter. And Crazy Walter was kind of like an alien conspiracy theorist. And you would have seen that same symbol in his house. So later on, you would have had some information to that. And he would have given you some info that you wouldn't have probably believed because he came off as a crazy person, but it would have made more sense as time goes on. So Crazy Walter was one of your ways of getting info. Exploring the church, you guys got some information from exploring the church about the shepherd

and the harvests and stuff. If you had chose to investigate the cars, the abandoned cars a bit more, you would have actually found a couple of weapons. Damn. And then whenever you confronted the cult there at the end, you would have had a way to actually stop the pasture before he hurt your mom. And that way you could have had both of your parents escape

and you would have gotten a different ending and your dad wouldn't have smashed the crystal and that would have been the best ending. I feel like it was really obvious. He shouldn't have done that to everyone. It may be that the last half of this I wrote at like two in the morning last night. Maybe all the best decisions were used a little bit earlier on.

Ah, what can you do? That's how it goes sometimes. If you've gone the scenic route, mark, your tires wouldn't have gotten flattened, but your car wouldn't have started. So your car would have still broken down. And you would have had the option to either follow the highway, wait in the car, or follow the river. The river would have immediately also led to death. Ah, yeah. That was another way to dive. I mean, that makes sense. Rivers are deadly.

Oh, the crazy Walter would have given you a name to use the hotel, which would have kept you safe for the night. And then time would have worked a bit differently. And Bob would have had some time at home to sleep and you guys would have been doing stuff the next day. But he would have given you a name that people wouldn't have investigated you. because it's like the safe word for people's families that wouldn't be in trouble. Too bad I didn't give that to you.

Yeah. Oh, well. I'm sure there were some holes. Like I said, it was my first go at it and I wrote all this in like three hours last night. But I don't know. It just sounded like a fun idea. So I gave it a shot.

No, well done, man. That was good. Hopefully you all out there enjoyed watching, listening. I did mark down some points, but you each only died once individually, even though there were a couple more ways, I think, for Mark to die by himself because he was coming from the outside,

whereas you had at least the base town protection. So I wrote in some ways for you to die, but I think there was like one more way for Mark to die than you. Let me go through the points real quick. There aren't a lot of points because mostly I was narrating, so I'd have time to write a lot down. Mark, you got points for hotel showers rule, shot in the desert.

The bees. Death and consistency with even this like fantasy version of you who can't drink alcohol. Right now you have five points. Bob, you got points for, I took a shower Nair is just Wade's shampoo CyberTruck Bob Which you shall forever be known as now

That's pretty fair You had one death You decided that you would try to bend the rules And fuck with me Instead of just following along with the choices Which I gave you a point for It was fun Trying to give yourself a gun

I gave you a squirt gun point And then at the end I had to give you a Shakira point You did the wherever No Did I get a point for How are you gonna help me Because I thought that would pretty fine I thought that was funny.

You know, sure, I'll give you. That was pretty funny. Are you sure you noticed the Shakira thing, Wade? Oh, is I ruined a bounty for you? Maybe. It's hard to get my girl past me. I was wondering why you're upset that I gave you a point for. I was like, man, I noticed that.

I gave you a point. I mean, that's good. But the bounty is only successful. If I can sincerely and relevant to what's happening, use a Shakira lyric. And if Wade doesn't notice, I get the point at the end of the episode. episode, but if Wade does notice, Wade gets the point at the end of the episode. So technically, oh no. Oh, shit. No, no. I gave you a bounty. And what do we decide? Those are two points generally. And it's two or three if it's like a big boy one. I would say for me getting it that's

worth like a point or two. But for you to have gotten that, like that's, that would be a hard. There's a lot of stipulations to that. When you didn't say it immediately, I was like, oh, we have a chance. And then you, the last point. point you gave me as the Shakira point. God damn it. You did, I mean, you integrated it so well. And I was like, man, I'm surprised Mark didn't comment on it or anything because I was so like, the whole time in the back of my mind, I was like, oh, you know what one? I don't know how this would have come up. But do you know what I had picked out that I really wanted to see if I could get in relevantly and sincerely is from the from whenever, wherever. There's a line that goes,

lucky that my breasts are small and humble so you don't confuse them with mountains. I had that one written out in front of me and I was just like, any opportunity. Come on. Man, I think I would have just given you a win. If you'd gotten that and I didn't notice, you'd have just won.

I got naked in front of Mark hoping there'd be a setup of some sort. Then everyone was just like, huh, he got naked. All right. Come on. Come on. Yeah, he just does that, man.

He just does it. The way it works is you would have gotten all the points. So if I did multiple and you notice, you could end up with any number of points. So it's maybe good. I just went with one and called it. Because there were a couple other points where I could have gone for it.

Right now, because you put, I was trying so hard out to be on the board this time. I was like, I can't do golf rules again. The score is Bob 7, Mark 6 and Me 2, I guess. Since you said that was a 2.1 or 2, whatever, doesn't really matter. But I'm on the board. And I guess we'll do our.

wheel spins. I'm sorry I noticed Bob, I just, I couldn't not. Just assume if I'm throwing Shakira in for no apparent reason, then it's probably none of your goddamn business. I really just thought you were trying to get some points for me, so I gave you a point. Fair is fair. Fair is, that's

totally fair. It was, it was relevant, which I was proud of, but it was not exactly sneaky. I feel like that thought I had it, though, man. I had that. Oh, look that. Oh, my God. You only have one wheel spin to get another golf rules. Or if it goes to Mark, the tie. I gotta go to the tie wheel for the first time.

What new thing are we adding to our list of 119 wheel options? Um, what about tried to break the game? Bob, you tried to break the game multiple times today. So whenever the host is trying to do something and someone's trying to break the game, you know, here's a reward for being a pest, I guess. Because a lot of times I think I'm the pest, so. All right. We got one spin, baby.

Let me shuffle. Let me click the right combination of shuffles. I'm going to scroll the whole list. I'm sure this will be enough Yep Yep Yep there we go Now we have them all on the record

We definitely have that on video It'll be fine One spin baby They're all on the record right there That's true I guess I sneezed Achu Mark did sneeze

Oh he did actually sneeze He's got damaged Oh time devil makes me sneeze Oh wait Oh yeah I thought I was I thought I was behind No it's tied

We go to the tie wheel. I have currently scribbled that we should be on 8% as of April 17th. Has it been that long since, no, I think it's been that long. The last time we interacted with the Winners Wheel, we added 2% on April 17th. I have it written down and dated on the back of my scorebook. The one-man show needs to be 29 degrees. It wouldn't land on that. Look how small it looks.

Look how small that is. If it does, you guys have to write the episode. I get to take the next writing off the matter of what. Are we allowed to just be like, it's a one-man show? And then both of us walk away and Wade does whatever he does for 45 minutes. No, in that case, I'll hijack and just declare a winner. May the best slice win. Oh, oh.

Oh, I really thought. I thought it was going to stop in there. It likes to do that. It likes to look like it's just going to overshoot and then go back. It'd be like, boing. This is not my season, guys. This is not my season. I think I saw where someone posted that we were tied.

I think Bob is now up by one. I think now it's like five to four to four wins. And Mark, you did have the most points prior to this, too. It's true. That's what the score sheet says by our unofficial, official score in the subreddit. But now I'm winning idiots. Well, congratulations. Bob, do you want to give a winner's speech?

It feels like it's been a while since I won, but it hasn't because I win a lot. I guess the point of the speech is just to say that everyone is back where they belong, and I think that's how it should stay. Uh, this was fun. I do wish I had found. a way to like trick you into letting me break the game and jump off the timeline and see what happened but i also wish you hadn't noticed to shikira so what are you going to do but it was good good good competition i really tried to get mark killed a lot and i guess our fates were just

inexorably intertwined so we did it except we died we i assume we died at the end right that's bad that's not a good situation for the sake of the episode yes but for the sake of what it would have actually happened is you guys would have both been teleported back to the beginning before you give the loser speech, I will say that my original intent for this before I realized how long it would take was to have you two separated, come together for a few decisions and separate again, and then ultimately come together for the conclusion. But I realized how long it was going to take to get through all of this. So I was like, I better just simplify it. So I cut a bunch out there at the end to make it a little bit shorter. So there were more times for you guys to try to get each other killed, but I had to

shorten it. We still ended up going almost twice the length of an episode. So, Bob, good winner's speech. Mark, loser speech. Well, you know, this just goes a show. No matter how. how much you love your cousins, never visit them, even if they're in a hardship, especially if they're in hardship, because you never know what's going to happen. There's a giant hole in the ground. Their parents are going to die or cause a whole ruckus in the town and upset God. So don't piss off God. Don't visit your cousin. Oh, and the hollow, the reason I think grew, that was where the spaceship landed. Ah, I didn't get that. I thought it was a giant. Endless hole in the ground. It's radioactive. We're all dying of cancer real bad.

The gift, the glowing gift was just pure radiation, I see. Whatever Homer has in the intro of The Simpsons, it was one of those. Thank you guys for participating and Bob for trying to break the game, which you technically did. I did let you have the option of sleeping naked at your house, which wasn't originally written in my script, but, you know, I was going to let you do it. Hopefully had fun. Hopefully everyone you guys enjoyed watching. It was my first crack at a Choose Your Own Adventure, so maybe I'll do it again if you guys liked it. If not, then, you know, give it a shot. Stay tuned for the next one where Bob will host. He's now our current season leader in wins.

I think at like five and then Mark and I are tied it for We'll see what Bob has up his sleeve But it's been a close season, it's been fun It was nice hosting for a little bit And maybe my streak will continue Follow Mark at Markiplier Bob at Mysker Me at Minion 77 or Lord Minion 777

We have merch sometimes at distractible dot shop So keep an eye on there check it out Maybe there's some stuff to pick up And I guess stay tuned for the next one Until then, podcast out