Distractible - Dating Advice

Episode Date: October 11, 2021

Wade hosts as Bob shares his insane movie theatre dating scare and Mark recounts how the only date idea he had in high school was just driving around. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production with your hosts, Bonkers Bob, Watchful Wade, and Mercurial Mark. This week, the Caddish Cadre claimed the quarrel of Cupid to calm the curious heart. Yes, it's time for dating advice. Too rich for my blood these days. Please prepare thy queries and enjoy the show. Hey everyone, podcast this is. I am Wade, hosting Distractible. Welcome to it with Mark and Bob.

Oh boy, oh boy. Actually, for the mood that I'm in, that was about right. I kind of followed you. We were talking a little bit before I started this one about how good my intros to the podcast hosting is. And I wanted to make sure I gave this one my all. So welcome, welcome. Nailed it.

Well, I feel welcome. I feel welcome. I'm sure everyone at home feels welcome. Good. Now that you're all welcome. How are you guys doing? How's life? Oh, I'm good.

Okay. I'm going to complain about it. Oh, kick it off. Do it, Bob. I honestly, I was trying to work this into a whole story it's not that long of a story it's just really sad fridge got you down? no I ordered a laptop I hate those things

I was gonna finally get a new laptop I've been using the same MSI since like 2016 I think it was a good laptop but it's getting old I ordered a nice one I ordered a sweet one it Yeah, they're just sweet one It's just tasty. Just I paid out the nose for it It's a MacBook Pro i9 8 gigs of VRAM or whatever the new type of video RAM is what flavor?

Space gray flavor. Ooh, it's a banger of a laptop. I ordered it September of a laptop i ordered it september 2nd it's almost october now and i just got a message today from best buy i ordered it through best buy because that's where i have like a credit card with them and they were like we don't know if you're getting a laptop if it doesn't come by like october 1st we'll just issue you a refund sorry bud and i was like what when i ordered first of all it said have it by september like 17th like the middle of the month just a couple weeks and i was like man a couple weeks all right well i'll get exactly what i want it'll be fine just i've been waiting for a whole month for best buy to just be like actually we never had that laptop here's your money back you fucking idiot well

so that's really i mean that's a very first world problem my life will go on without it but like i love tech right and so i i went all out this is this was going to be the most expensive fanciest name brand laptop i've ever had no never mind this is happening i guess never mind it's like you have a dream and you're just like oh boy i can't wait i've been thinking about it never mind you know i've never i've never had a store do this to me like if i went to a mcdonald's drive-thru yeah and i went to the sign and i was like one big mac sir with fries and a drink make it nice and then i got to the window and they were like it's not ready and just our burger machine is down for cleaning here's your money back sir just go ahead just sorry like what no why did you let me order that then oh god i love that i hate it for you but man we didn't know the

burger machine was not working sorry it's not on par with the fridge story but like it's disappointing i'm sad yeah that's that's less rage that's more just sad i get that i ordered a car in july and i still don't think i'm getting that oh yeah what happened i don't know if it's like oh you don't have your car no yeah i saw you tweeting about like oh i don't have the car and i was like wasn't he supposed to pick that car up a while ago i gotta call them again because apparently lexus shut down two plants or something and my order got canceled they called me about it and i called them back whenever we had a back and forth and they were like actually turns out your order shouldn't have been canceled at all we're gonna put you back on the list i was like all right cool back in the spot i was in right not at the bottom where i've got to wait another five or six months

right oh my god and i told them i would think about it and i haven't actually called them back so i've got nothing in the works for a car as of right this moment there's still nothing going on with a car oh man well i mean there's only so much you get kicked in the dick you don't exactly want to go back for seconds you know it's like man you guys really didn't do me right last time i'm ready to be disappointed again i just don't know what i want to get i don't know what to get help me you should get a hyundai veloster n subreddit tell me if i should get a hyundai velociraptor it's a cool car man it's cool it's a little hatchback it's got a sporty little engine it goes vroom vroom i don't like hatchbacks they're like minivans didn't you order a hatchback what exactly car did you get no it looked very similar to like the frs that i had

it looks like that it was like the Lexus version. Right, right. A Veloster. Hyundai Veloster N. It's a new spec that came out this year. It's a sporty spec. Can get a manual transmission, but you don't have to. I've been researching it. It's a cool looking car. I don't like hatchbacks.

They're like mini minivans. Fine. It's not a hatchback, Wade. Oh, I want it. It's just a car. I want it now. It sure looks like a hatchback. It's not a hatchback.

It's got a long trunk. A long now. It sure looks like a hatchback. It's not a ha- it's got a long trunk. Oh! A long non-hatch trunk. I'm tempted, I'm tempted. Before it- listen, we're going off on another tangent, we haven't even gotten to the tangent part. Mark, why is your day better than Bob's? Bob, three points for your misery. I don't know, I woke up on a night, I took a walk this morning, I don't know.

Alright, Mark, four points for you because you're having a better day than Bob. Everything went well. Everything I've ordered has come in a timely manner. I've never been disappointed by a company because they fear my retributions. And also, I don't set myself up for disappointment. Do you have a car? I do have a car, yes. Can I have one?

Wait, my car don't work right. Oh, yeah, are have even more Tesla issues. Yeah, I am. So here's a fun one. You know how doors normally open on cars? Yes. Well, sure. You pull the handle and it opens.

Oh, yeah. Well, mine don't have a handle you pull anyway. There's no handle to pull. It's a button, right? And so that door don't open. What do you mean? That's all the doors. All of your doors have buttons.

Oh, no, no, no, no. All the other doors open. My door doesn't open. Oh, just the driver's door doesn't open? Just the driver's door doesn't open. Oh, no, no, no, no. All the other doors open. My door doesn't. Oh, just the driver's door. That's kind of a pivotal door. I know, right? It's an important one. Thankfully, it's a cheap fix because Tesla parts are only like 15 grand a piece, right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. So what happened was it ran out of battery because I like for some reason it didn't charge while I was away. And so I got back and the 12 volt was dead because for some reason there's still a 12 volt in a Tesla with a giant fucking battery so that was dead and you know once it dies you kind of got to get replaced so I'm like okay I'll set up for service and then I had a tow truck come out and they jumped the 12 volt and suddenly the whole car turned on I'm like oh okay

all right so it could work it just needed to jump the 12 volt for the rest of the car to go like I'm awake you know and then he didn't tow it that day because like oh it's fine and then i tried to open my door and it didn't open and i was like oh shit so they did need a problem because they were going to tow it to a service center and get it serviced right away so i set up an appointment to service it and the next appointment besides the day it would have been towed is one month from now that was the earliest i got a service appointment and i'm just like how who are all these people in line for cars and car fixes ahead of us and stop it i don't know it's probably because i think i don't know if this is true but it seems from my perspective

to be true every tesla you've owned has had some sort of serious problem and this isn't that big of a problem i've owned two what do you mean all of them how many fleets of teslas do you think i have i thought you owned three teslas no i've had two in my life oh well then your model x has just had a lot of problems oh my god it's had so many problems the suspension i thought those were different cars no it's the same car jesus what a shit pile i know and so i was like i was thinking like okay maybe i don't want the model x maybe i'll trade up to a model s you know what the wait time is right now for a model s i don't know three to six months i get it in march that sounds about like some close to that time frame you were quite correct wade i was just like i didn't say you were wrong like i've been looking for a car since july because i lost mine in march of last this year last this year of this current last year this this lee uh

all right enough of our pain mark you get uh oh i started gave you four points right a better day than bob but your day sounds like it also sucks so so I give myself one point. What? What? You cannot make yourself the winner. Well, he can. I have a point. He can, though, is the thing. He cannot. He's the judge. I can change the rules on a whim.

No, but there's global rules that we all agreed on. We have no power here. You watch what you say or else I'm going to make myself winner right now. Wade is essentially the train man from the Matrix trilogy. I will turn this episode around. All right. Fair back all right okay all right all right right now bob has three points mark has four points i have one point there you go that sounds good i like that for everyone keeping track and hold that's that wasn't today for mark and also fine fine you're having a bad day you gotta be losing right now and technically you're still beating me so there you go hey he could still climb into his car from the other doors that do open i can't use

my laptop that doesn't exist doesn't your current laptop work it's just getting old it works except if you want to open adobe products which is the only thing i use so climb into your old laptop turns on and plays stardew valley probably, but I don't want to play that. Well, you know what? I've got the topic that's going to turn all of our days around. It's going to be a good day. Okay. All right.

Okay. Now, we all have significant others. Not everyone out there does. And I feel like that puts us in a prime position to talk about dating advice and some of our less maybe good moments of trying to ask somebody out or go on a date i know uh bob's told us stories involving this before did that did that ever see the light of day i don't know wait which one we recorded me telling a story about dating maybe it hasn't seen a lot of day i don't know if we ended up using that oh no that has not god we should that's

such a good story can we just edit that story into this so that we can get the the new telling of it instead of me trying to retell it i'm gonna be telling you a story about young love about a first job about excitement over the possibility of sitting near a girl uh in high school about over complicated plans that end hilariously and also quite terrifyingly in both failure and near-death experience and the hard to explain series of decisions that led me and my high school best friend to almost kill a girl completely by accident where did this begin my high school best friend dave and i were hanging out in his basement doing the thing the only thing that we did other than

video games oh no work at our part-time jobs no not that oh uh which was play ping pong and lament about girls i don't know if anyone else had this probably not ping pong we would literally he had a ping pong table but that was like what the ping pong table was for and um i like i don't know why and i it's a very clear and strict rule that we followed but we're playing ping pong talking about girls and uh recently dave had begun working at a new job at the movie theater uh which is a great job it's a lot of free movies thanks to dave but a lot of people go to the movie theater and while we're playing ping pong hanging out he gets a text from one of his co-workers that this girl the girl that he currently like would not stop talking about jessica was seeing a movie had just walked in

gotten their tickets and one of our creepy friends at the movie theater was like hey hey she's here and sent him a text and and so we got this information right you guys had a whole team on this yeah well it's a it's hard to date okay you gotta have a lot of it's a lot of effort i'm trying to keep track of everything there's jessica just what and what is the name of this creepy friend can we call him like i don't know kyle or something kyle's about right all right i don't know i'm pretty sure kyle works at the movie theater and sweeps up the popcorn after the yeah you know what that can be confirmed there every movie theater has a kyle so we have decreed so cool so it is real quick though about your ping pong table just to relate i didn't have a That can be confirmed there. Every movie theater has a Kyle, so we have decreed.

Cool. So it is done. Real quick, though, about your ping pong table, just to relate. I didn't have a ping pong table, but I had a friend. I don't know if you guys remember. There was this channel, allegedly, that my friend would always turn on. And apparently, it was all static. But apparently, it was supposed to be a porn channel. And so my friend would turn on the staticky porn channel.

And that was our cue to be like oh i think maybe i saw a boob that reminds me of like that was our cue to talk about girls was the weird staticky not real porn channel wait what did that what did that remind this person of wow a nipple i remember my first dog i don't know but he would always turn this on and we would look for like three seconds, maybe see something. It was like the ghost videos, man. It was like we'd look and be like, is that a boob or a leg? I don't know.

But you know, Cindy was looking pretty fly the other day. I don't know. It would just lead to discussion. Cindy looking fly. That's concerning. I don't want to go off into, this is Bob's story. It's just that was my ping pong table was my friend would turn on the staticky porn. Ping pong is wholesome and a fun time for everybody.

Mark and I played a lot of ping pong in college. Yeah, yeah. I was actually just thinking about it. And now I'm starting to remember it. Between serves, Wade, Bob would get this really like sad look like he wanted to discuss girls. And he wouldn't say anything. So he did not talk. My friend had a pullout couch bed. And, my friend had a pull-out couch bed

and we would sit together on this pull-out couch bed and he would turn on the staticky porn channel. It's really awkward thinking back on it. That was weird. That's not a good picture you're painting. Did you pull out the bed for that? Yeah, we were on the bed together. Who's the bed?

Because that's where I would sleep. So we would hang out where I would sleep and he'd be like, turn this on and be like, maybe there was a boob, I don't know. But anyway, let's talk about stuff. We were that we would always notoriously talk about the girls being crushes on things anyway bob go back to your it was just i wanted to relate to your your ping pong table okay so we get the text from kyle the movie theater creepy guy says not only is jessica my friend's love interest seeing a movie she's seeing a movie with a friend who is the girl that i myself at that point in

time would not shut up about it's perfect right what's your love interest name in this melissa yeah what's the name melissa okay jessica and melissa my best friend's love interest is that the movies with her best friend my love interest it's a love quadrangle quad how do you say that word quadrangle i think it's just a square it's a parallelogram couldangle. How do you say that word? Quadrangle. Quadrangle? I think it's just a square. It's a parallelogram. Could be anything. Could be. You're right.

A square is a parallelogram, but a parallelogram does not have to be a square. Ain't that the truth. Ain't that the truth. You and your friend do sound like squares in this. Go ahead. Anyway, we've got all the information now. The plan is obvious, right? Do you not see how this has to play out?

Clearly, what we had to do was, step one, gather a posse, obviously. So we gathered the boys, if you will, our other friends. So gang hit. Got it. Yep. We had to rush to the grocery store to pick up some flowers and chocolates we head to the theater to stake out the car and then ambush them with love and appreciation as they exit the theater to get into their vehicle and drive back home meanwhile hey jessica you wanna go see a movie today yeah melissa that

sounds great i can't wait i just want to get away. Just enjoy a movie. Maybe go hang out afterward. Just the two of us. Just casual. No drama. They had no idea. They had no idea. I'm imagining this went well, but again, I don't want to get ahead of myself. Yeah, well, you don't know which part resulted in attempted murder, so don't draw any assumptions. Beat them with the flowers.

Accept my love. This brings us to act two, obviously, the preparation. Now it's time to take action. There's a time clock on this. We know which movie they're seeing, when it was, how long the movie is. Our posse of friends that we gathered are the Stevens. One named Steven with a V. One named Steven with a PH.

So there's four of us. We pile into My Friend Dave's Honda Civic. And this next part plays out like an action movie. This is why the posse needs to be here, right? You gotta keep the car running. You gotta have logistics. You gotta have people in charge. So Dave and I are in the front seat.

The Stevens are in the back seat. And there we're like driving, totally following the speed limit, totally being safe. We're driving to the grocery store and the Stevens are in the back. One of them we call Steven and one of them is Steve, which helps differentiate, but also is sort of indicative of their personality steve is the

gossip steve is the one like texting updates with kyle like did they leave early no okay like keeping the subjects in sight keeping our intel fresh steven is the one staring at his watch on the minute every minute is like oh, 28 minutes. 28 minutes from right now, we need to be in that parking lot. That'll give us, you know, 15 minutes to find the car, find a spot, get a good angle. And he's sitting there just staring at his watch, just waiting. So we get to the grocery store.

We run into the store. We've never bought this stuff before. Neither of us realized until we got inside. We're losers, right? We haven't really't really like dated people to this point never bought flowers for someone or chocolates never gone to the part of the store that's set up for desperate losers trying to impress a girl sort of area don't know where that is so she bought chocolates flowers and a 50 pack of condoms i'm guessing magnum x XLs, baby. Standards, yes. Absolutely standards. Extra small.

Extra small magnums. I wonder if anyone's ever like creepily stalked or planned an ambush for me anywhere close to what you guys did for this group. How many ambushes have you avoided narrowly? Like how many people's elaborate posse murder love plans have I just barely dodged? Probably zero. Finally, after running around the store looking like weirdos we're fully loaded chocolates flowers extra small condoms ready to

go the movie theater is not super far away but we're back in the car and it's like all right eight minutes to the theater and we're about five minutes away everything's on time steven is happy steve is updating us they're still in the movie everything is fine kyle has not seen them go to the bathroom he is watching them like a hawk i don't know if i'd be honored someone liked me that much or if i'd be really weirded out or creeped out i don't know how i'd feel well you don't need to worry about it because no one's that obsessed with you continue bob i could answer for you definitively when it's creepy but anyway is creepy we're very responsibly and safely driving to the movie theater we get there right okay so act three the payoff the

action we're here yeah this is gonna sound worse than it is dave happens to know which car is theirs he knows that doesn't sound too bad which car his beloved jessica drives and uh his beloved that sounds worse than knowing what car they drive. Go ahead. Go ahead. His beloved gen. And so we go, we're scouting. We find the car. We circle around. We find an angle where we can park the Stevens so they can kind of see the action, you know? Because they've been with us this far. You don't want to leave the Stevens parked off in the corner somewhere like a-holes.

You want them to be able to witness your greatness great success that is about to happen all this effort that we've put into coordinating this massive effort so yeah we get everything situated we're sitting in the car it's like a perfect like tv show thing where it's like from our car it's sort of like through one row there's a perfect little window between the parked cars and a light literally it's nighttime it's like a weekend evening in the dark night their car an orange car by the way has a beacon on it like at this bright focal point but uh basically we get the stevens all set up and then at some point dave and i are like okay well we don't want to just be sitting here if they come

out earlier than we think or something or maybe we have the timing off we don't want to like get out of our car and run at them that's terrifying someone jumps out of a vehicle and charges you in the parking lot that's like a kidnapper or something right that's yeah that's bad so we're like we'll casually with our huge bouquets of flowers and oversized boxes of chocolate get out of our car and sort of sort of skulk i guess is the word i would use to describe it sort of pick a spot where they can't see us because it's a surprise obviously they can't see us coming out of the theater we're hidden turns out that light bleeds a lot it shows a lot of area so i think we were like oh we'll pick a discreet spot it'll be fine luckily the car that the girls are driving is this big truck sort of thing like an suv it's tall it hides us pretty well i think if a family that

was going to see a pixar movie drove past this location in the parking lot that night they would have looked off to the side and seen me i was as big as i am now then a huge six foot four big dude with his very short friend standing in the middle of a parking lot with like some stuff like obviously holding something I guess flowers maybe but like if you drive by that how bad does that look yeah if I drove by that I would think there were some shenanigans afoot and we'd go to a different theater I'm looking back on this though right and I don't feel good about this choice specifically of all the choices we made this choice to lay in wait for what was essentially i guess our prey to jump out at two

unsuspecting people this is a questionable no this could only lead to true love yeah well maybe it did maybe one of these girls is actually mandy oh look so we're standing here it was probably like maybe 10 minutes which is a long time to lurk in a parking lot but we're sitting there and it feels like forever right it's a combination of feeling kind of uneasy about where we are the choices we've made how this looks but also we're about to ask a girl on a date which is terrifying like it's as for for school me, I had never really done that. It's not successfully done that. And it was like, it was a lot.

And we're sitting there like, you know, hearts of flutter, murder muscles really getting warmed up. So we're waiting forever. Yeah. And finally peeking through the, you know, you can sort of look through the windows of a car. We're peeking around the edges lurking. If you will.

Finally, they round the corner from the front of the movie theater i will say this is the back parking lot of the movie theater not the front one where like everyone goes this is like the cool back one there's less foot traffic less witnesses so they're coming they're making their way to the back parking lot you know we sort of huddle we're like they're coming they're coming oh my god oh my god and and we're looking at each other and dave and i collectively we have this conversation that's like don't jump out too early don't don't give them any warning make, they're coming. They're coming. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And we're looking at each other. And Dave and I, collectively, we have this conversation that's like, don't jump out too early. Don't give them any warning. Make sure they're nice and close so they can't run. You know?

Make sure that they get close enough. And we're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the plan. That's the plan. Obviously. Obviously. All of this is obvious. And finally, they get close enough.

Jessica's digging for her car keys. They sort of finally arrived at the car. And we're like, yes. And we take our big step out from behind the car, presenting the flowers so proudly. And I think everyone knows what their reaction is. Oh, you shouldn't have. Sure.

Well, then maybe that came later. Their initial reaction is actual terror like actually maybe we're here to grab them and run away or something or take their purse and punch them in the face they look terrified which is not surprising from this perspective dave and i are taken aback by their terrified look and we're like no wait a minute this is a perfect plan this isn't scary this is charming we're expressing how much we care about them they should be blown away with love and entrancement is that a word yeah sure oh yeah entrapment i think you're getting there yeah well so they look scared dave and i look at each other and realize like oh you know what maybe there were some flaws but we're here we've done it it's a surprise everything will be fine but at this point like melissa's kind of like scared but realized that it's us

and it's probably fine jessica doesn't look scared anymore but she looks like she's having trouble like she looks like she might faint or collapse and unbeknownst to us despite the amount of love in his heart for this person uh dave had no idea and i had no idea because i didn't know her very well jessica has a serious heart condition um she's a serious i don't know what the medical condition is but she has a serious heart uh health condition and extreme surprises are bad for her and may cause her heart to stop beating. So anything that's terrifically shocking, jarring, terrifying, is potentially deadly to this person. And so we didn't know that.

And we don't know how to help. So she just sort of begins having cardiac distress and having trouble staying conscious. And she's the only one who knows at this point she needs to reach into her bag and get a bottle of medicine to take one of the pills that she has with her in case this comes up but like and i don't know i imagine her friend who was with her probably had some clue since they're best friends maybe but like dave and i are just standing there staring at this girl dying in front of us i'm not really sure and our you know nerves and excitement

about asking these girls to go on a date turned suddenly to like actual terror on our parts we don't know what happened but apparently we've scared a person to death why would you be worried i that wasn't so i've been selling it listen i've been setting it up like oh it's a joke we're gonna kill this girl or whatever we didn't mean to kill anyone believe it or not based on the plan that we hatched and the decisions we made to execute that plan our ultimate goal was not to kill this person it was to secure a date or maybe a double date i feel like i'm watching a true crime episode like this is like the killer explaining how they got started no no i see the detective piecing all the evidence together and they lurked no they skulked outside by the car

with flowers for their grave we didn't mean to kill anybody, but we found we had a real taste for it. So this is happening. She reaches into her bag. Somebody has a bottle of water, takes medicine. After maybe a solid five to seven minutes of like terror and staring and waiting

by me and Dave, everyone is fine. Jessica is fine. Alyssa is pretty pissed off. She's fine. And so like everyone's fine. There's four of Alyssa is pretty pissed off. She's fine. And so like everyone's fine. There's four of us standing there in the middle of this parking lot. By the way, the Stevens must have had a hell of a show.

I'm a little surprised they didn't come running out of the car. We'll try to figure out or like hop in the front seat and drive away. I don't know what the Stevens were doing. They were coming up with their alibi as you're out there like okay okay they kidnapped us too nobody saw us at the grocery store with them maybe we were at home maybe we were in my basement they knew about the heart condition the whole time they wanted this to happen yeah i don't know but they must have had a hell of a show so the four of us are standing there so everything's fine everyone's alive at this point dave and i are like okay everyone's good let's do what we came

here for the mood is set everything is gone according to the plan it's time to ask these girls on a date i will say i will release a little more context at this point my friend dave and his interest jessica have some history at this point they have not dated but i think she is aware that he you know he likes her and he thinks that maybe she likes him back between me and melissa it's a much more unspoken amount of interest utterly unspoken how much you could say uh i words know her and have seen her at like parties or, you know, in band practice. I've seen her interact with other people. I may have talked to her directly once prior to this interaction.

So mine was a real shot in the dark. Mine was like, you seem cool. You seem awesome. I like you. Maybe you like me. But Dave's is like a real real i think this has a shot gonna ask this girl out finally so everyone's alive everyone calms down a little bit dave looks into jessica's eyes and is like hey we've been hanging out a lot i think you're really cool

we have a really good time together you know i i know this didn't go i was hoping this would be more surprising and a romantic and not like death defying and terrifying um but like you know look i just i wanted to ask you on a date like i got you these flowers and these chocolates you can have those that's just a gift i just wanted to ask you if maybe we could go out and have dinner like he really nice david is a sweet guy he asked her out super nice and she takes the flowers and sort of looks down and very thoughtfully she's like you know what i do have fun with you but i think we're just friends you know like the classic letdown and it's really it's a big bummer but that was always an option and she was super nice about it and uh and so that all plays out it helps my turn and so this has all happened

and i look i look directly at melissa and i'm like i hold out the flowers and the chocolate silently and i look at her and i'm like um you date and she she doesn't take the flowers or the chocolate she doesn't say anything she locks eye contact with me slowly shakes her head no and then just proceeds to get her friend into the car so they can leave so not equivalent responses but not equivalent you know pretext between the two interactions i don't think melissa's treatment of me was particularly unfair could have been nicer yeah given the situation i think she was definitely overreacting to yeah i don't blame her for you know maybe being a little taken aback and angry at me directly about what had

happened just then but uh like she was the one who was dying on the ground. Yeah, she was fine. Yeah, she was fine. She was fine the whole time. And the one who was dying sent the other person into the friend zone. You're not even in the friend zone, which is better? Yeah. Good?

It's good! He's like, you circle back. Yeah. Give another shot. Yeah. It's not too late. We can plan it out. Anyway, two shots fired. No, it's not too late. We can plan it out Anyway, two shots fired no dates acquired

Okay chocolate, but does that qualify as attempted murder who could say? Anyway, 80 it's a scary thing putting yourself out there and you know risking rejection and all that jazz But uh, the three of us have conquered that mountain. Yeah a scary thing putting yourself out there and uh you know risking rejection and all that jazz but uh the three of us have conquered that mountain yeah uh-huh yep yeah and i know we have our own failures in that department that we could share from pull from and we have our own successes so wherever you guys want to go with it that just is our topic just dating just dating oh man so i told that one story i've dated two people in my life and one of them i'm currently married to i don't exactly have like a dearth of dating stories oh no but you know at some point you had to like get up the courage to

talk to somebody or they had to get up the courage to talk to you or you had an arranged marriage or you had arranged dating i kind of got this is not dating but it's relationship i got a relationship story there we go i it's it's kind of funny but it also it gives me mixed feelings because i just i guess i'll tell the story and you can you can judge that remember when we used to give stories titles oh yeah yeah what's the title of your story bob this story is entitled oh wow really oh wow really mark what's the title of your thing you will say you're ready right mark yeah yeah i'm ready um hang on hang on hang on um waiting with bated breath god um that's gonna be a whole story it could literally just be like something that went right or wrong or whatever what do you say no no no no i um uh uh

you think on that bob i guess you get to go now all right so yeah that's in context to this so i'm married to my wife that's good like you are and before we got married i had to ask her if she wanted to do that um but before the proposal i was like i want to do this right i want to i'm nervous about this and i want to make sure everyone is on board and happy my parents were cool i think they were probably a little surprised i had convinced someone to maybe marry me i don't know i probably told them they were like she's gonna say yes maybe just leave things the way they are don't mess with it you know it's like it's going all right um but yeah i was like i'm gonna ask i'm gonna talk to mandy's dad and just like talk to him and let him know and you know ask for his blessing right like we're

both of our families are pretty modern and that's not really like he wouldn't have been offended i don't think if we just showed up and was like, we're engaged, he would have been like, wow, awesome. Cool. But I just wanted to, I don't know, felt like I wanted to do the steps that I had always heard people talk about to do it right and do and be all chivalrous. And so, yeah, we were hanging out. I think it was Christmas. I think it was Christmas day. And we were hanging out with Manny's family, spending Christmas, spending the holiday. And he, I remember the scene, he was like asleep on the couch in the front room, right? It had been a full day and we had a nice holiday dinner and everyone was sort of chilling out. And he was like laying on the couch in front room asleep. And I was like,

this is my time. He's separate. I've been waiting. You know, I didn't have a specific idea of like, how am I going to get him alone? Cause I don't want to talk about this in front of Mandy and everyone. And he was on his own in front of me. And I was like, I'm going to go out there. Let's initiate a quiet conversation. Just have a talk. And I did. And I woke him up.

And Mandy's dad is very approachable and very good. Like, he's just a good person to talk to. He's always got insightful things to contribute. No matter what the conversation, he probably knows something about it. He's like one of those people where he's always down to talk and he's always interesting to talk to. So it's really easy to start this conversation. And I sort of steered it on the path of, you know, I love your daughter. At that point, we'd been together for three years. And I was like, it's been a while. It's going well. We've moved in together over this last year. It's going really well. And I built this up, you know, really selling them hard on it.

And I got to the moment and I was like, and, you know, I just wanted to ask, I guess, how you feel if I told you I want to ask Mandy to marry me. And I felt like I'd painted this picture, right? And I was at this point, I knew her family pretty well. We had spent holidays together because we lived in the same city. So we could just drive over for on the weekend and hang out and do whatever. It was fun. We knew each other and I had been around for a few years. So it, you know, it had been a while and I looked him right in the face and I, and I said that, and I just remember, like, I expected him to either be like, yes, awesome. Or to be like,

you know what, let me talk to you. And maybe he had a concern or maybe he was just going to tell me to be a good husband or whatever. Give me some of you know speech i didn't know i knew them well enough to feel like i think he's going to be happy about this because they know me and it's cool we're having a good time yeah he looked right in my face very calmly after this nice conversation we had and he was like oh um really yeah and uh and it wasn't like that that was not a response i had contemplated i didn't know what to make of it we continued talking obviously he didn't do that and then like walk away but he said that and i was like oh yeah is that wrong is that bad can i do this wrong and i guess where he was coming from is he hadn't even really thought about it. He had no concerns. He was totally happy. Ultimately, he was like, you seem

good. We know you. I feel like that does not concern me in the least. But he hadn't considered that we might be getting married. I don't know why. I guess he just wasn't imagining his daughter getting married. She was still, I mean, she's still his baby girl, right? You never really grow out of that with your parents. But for like 10 seconds when he reacted like that, my whole brain was just like, oh, I guess this is over. I should probably pack my stuff up and get out of here. Like that's not a good response. But yeah, he was somehow totally shocked by that.

No idea why, but it worked out great. And I'm still married and you should just do that kids my dating advice would be do do what i did all that stuff i said i have a title i have one all right yeah all right uh bob uh five more points bob the title of my dating story is left or right okay okay that's it that's it do i get to go i guess so yeah that's the way this works i would like to know which one it is go for it all right so the reason it's called left or right is because when i was in high school i was absolutely terrible at dating and not even dating isn't like dating around at literally the act of taking a

human being on a date i was terrible at that because I didn't understand what the concept was or like what you do or anything. It's not like I wasn't aware of the concept of dating, but I just like, I could not wrap my head around the idea of taking another human being to a place to hang out with them. So what I would do, and this is probably the reason

why my high school girlfriend just eventually got really tired of me is just because I would just go on drives and the way we do this and wade you know what this is in reference to when you're coming out of milford and you're about to get on 275 you can either take the right and go that way on 275 or you can go left and go that way they've changed it since but yeah now it's both rights but back back then it was like a right and a left back then yeah left to go south and right to go north legitimately the way that I would like I'd be like hey Your name we want to go hang out and look yeah

Pick them up and begin my car and we drive out that way and be like all right We'll go right or left 275 and it's not like I was going anywhere. I didn't have any place to be. I had no plans, no nothing. It wasn't going to a restaurant. The concept of going to a restaurant didn't even occur to me. It was like, I just want to drive and hang out. Because, like, I just got my license, you know, or I had it for, like, a year.

And I'm like, ah, yeah, freedom of driving. For me, driving was, like, the best thing. So I literally asked her. I'm just like, hey, you want to go left or right? And after the first few times, you know, she humored me. I was like, I left out right. It was fun, right? And then literally we just drive around the 275 loop and talk.

And just that was my experience with dating. I did not take someone out to a restaurant to eat until I started dating in college. Wow. I legitimately was incapable of doing anything you just drove the loop yes that's a bold move you want to go out yeah all right we're staying out we'll never go in again no exactly because the concept of like hanging out was like oh yeah we go over to your parents house or my parents house we just hang out there but if it was going out i just couldn't fucking do it like left to right like i had some money i could have taken them out to a restaurant but i just i was physically incapable so it always

just came up with a conversation just like yeah left or right left today's a left kind of day all right you should have just you got there whatever choice they did you just be like yeah good that's the right choice yes exactly according to my plans that's uh that's interesting i don't feel like that's a bad thing that that was like your only move maybe was a little limiting but like i definitely i did not do that in the dating context but i did that with buddies we would absolutely once one of us had a car and could drive we would absolutely be like yo dude it's friday night like what are we gonna do like i don't know i don't really want to i just want to go like drive around like we would always head down to like down to osu campus i guess and we didn't ever do anything or get in

anything i'm sure we could have gotten into a party or whatever tried to like get into trouble we just like drove around and like looked at stuff and you know hung out and drove around and it was the freedom totally get that i feel like that's the thing a lot of people would identify with yeah my friend kidnapped me and drove me around the loop i think i've told that story haven't i oh yeah you did so that was fun but then driving driving driving can be you know actually molly and i like going on drive sometimes we'll just go out and just drive around for a bit not necessarily like a super long one but why do you think it didn't occur to you to like take one of your dates to a restaurant or something were you like morally opposed to it or were you literally just like

unaware of that that was the thing you should do i don't know it never even occurred as a possibility that's kind of funny have you never seen a movie where people go on no i cannot explain this i i was very socially inept in a lot of ways like it's fine when I was hanging out with friends and stuff but what came down to dating like I didn't understand what you were supposed to do like it was just like oh girl I like hanging out with you

you're cute and I like looking at you but it's just like other than that I had no capability zero absolutely none I hope that's what the conversation was like when you were driving around hey girl i'm like looking at you you're cute looking at you for hours stuck on the highway high school mark hanging out with his friends like that's cool that's really cool and a girl walks up and he's like you ain't gonna drive around in my car i don't hang out with you

like all the guys are like mark are you okay yeah no i always talk like this i know these guys are great though but i'll take you left or right we can go either direction be cool guys you know legitimately i wish that i could say like i had any kind of ineptitude but but or aptitude aptitude and not ineptitude i was apt you don't wish you had an empty i don't he wishes he was apt i wish i was wish you had ineptitude? I don't. He wishes he was apt. I wish I was apt. I had aptitude. That's very magnanimous of you.

Thank you. Thank you very much. How many points do I give for my story? Oh, man. Let's see. I gave Bob five. Let me guess. Mark gets more arbitrarily.

I'll give you two, Mark. One for left, one for right. That's fair. Oh, man. One for left, one for right. That's fair. Oh, man. You know what? During that, Mark, your talks about young dating and asking girls out and stuff, I actually thought of some good, positive, constructive dating advice that I have to offer our gentle listeners. Okay, I can't wait.

So I was in a marching band the last two years of high school. And for freshman sophomore year i was a football player and i basically had like no friends in that time i hated the guys on the football team i was part of the team so they weren't like they don't like beat me up or anything but they were assholes right they were not good friends i didn't like them they clearly didn't like me so i like i was kind of a loner and then when i stopped playing football i hurt my shoulder and decided to stop playing football and switch to band. Some of the people in band, it was kind of clicky, but like I had an actual friend group in band. I had a group of guys and girls who were all just cool. We would hang out

and it was weird. And I didn't know one thing I didn't had never learned about school growing up, at least in America and where I grew up school school dances, right? I had never really been into that that much. I'd kind of done school dances, but like, I don't know. But once I was in this friend group and band, the whole group would always get geared up, right? You make a plan, you get a big reservation at some restaurant or something where you can all go together. And it's like, it's like a whole phenomenon of like, you go to the dance and it's all a big thing. And you can go stag, you can go without a date, but most of my friends were always dating someone. And so I always also wanted to go with a date. And a lot of the time I'm a timid person. Once I get to know someone, I can have a conversation and I'm much more outgoing now than I used to be when I was a kid. I never talked to

anybody unless I had to. But so asking a girl out, even just to a dance, which is sort of lower pressure than like a date where it's just the two dance, which is sort of lower pressure than like a date, where it's just the two of you, because a dance is kind of like a social gathering where there's lots of people, you know, it's going to happen. It still was something, it was really intimidating and it was scary. But I decided my senior year, I had warmed up a little bit and I think it was senior year. I don't know. One of the years I was like, I'm going to ask this girl who I think is kind of cute. And I don't really know that well, but I would like to go to the dance with her. I would like to take her to dinner and go to the dance. And I was like, and I have the perfect plan.

The band directors like me because I'm a good musician and I'm pretty mediumly responsible, at least when it comes to marching band. I was a good kid. And I was like, I will ask them if at the end of a band practice after school one day, I can stand up on the podium in front of the entire band before they're dismissed. And then this beautiful romantic gesture, I will ask this girl who I have no barometer on if she likes me or would be at all interested in doing this, if she wants to go to the dance with me. It will be this grand gesture.

It is terrifying. Like, even right up to the moment I did it, I was like, every time I think about doing this, it makes me want to pu grand gesture it is terrifying like even right up to the moment i did it i was like every time i think about doing this makes me want to puke this is terrifying but i'm gonna do it god damn it i want to do the thing that people do in like tv shows and stuff and i did i got up there and i was like i gave all the speech and i was like the man the dance coming up and uh i just have one question will you go to the dance with me? You know, and everyone's kind of like, whoa, kid stuff. And, uh, and she said yes. And I was like, wow, awesome. Thank God you could have said, no, that would have been crushing for me. That would have been just so embarrassing. And we went to the dance and we went to dinner at a restaurant and she did not sit next to me.

She sat next to another boy who she was apparently very interested in and who was apparently i think maybe planning on asking her or they were going to be dating or something like that like they were they were like practically dating and i just inserted myself it turns out she couldn't say no because i asked her in front of 250 other people i had thought this was such a clever romantic plan i was like it'll be great it'll just be she'll be like oh wow that's awesome i'll just hang out with this no i pressured this girl into agreeing to something that she had no interest in doing which is fine she doesn't have to like me and want to go out with me but then i still think it was a little hurtful and rude that she essentially ditched me she ditched

me before we hung out at all i like picked her up went to the restaurant didn't really talk to me at the restaurant and i never saw her again in the rest of my life was she like moved like she just i have to leave i have to i don't know i know she still exists changed her name we were facebook friends i know she didn't like die tragically or something she disappeared at the dance and i don't know what happened, but my advice would be don't fucking do that. Idiots. You don't really think about that though. Whenever you're like asking somebody, you don't think about like their perspective on

it. You're like, oh man, I want to do that. Like you said, your, your mind, it was, this will be this awesome romantic gestures to be awesome. That's going to be really tough for me to do this, but like, you know, maybe she'll say yes. Maybe she'll say no, who knows, but I'm going to try it. it like you don't think about the pressure that puts on somebody like i guess unless you've lived it yeah i mean there's nothing wrong with romantic gestures either if you want to do

something ridiculous and you know very grand and that's fine but pay attention to the context because if i had done that in front of her house or i don't know somewhere where it's basically just the two of us or maybe us and a couple of her friends or something and it's not in front of all of the people that all both of us are friends with in the entire school because it's all of the marching man and that makes you know that that's like our entire friends group she felt so bad because she just wanted to be like oh no thanks that's very sweet but that she couldn't she couldn't crush my entire soul in front of several hundred people. So just think about the context, guys.

It's OK to be romantic. And you'll probably have some if you do that, you probably still get some nose. And that's very sad. But that's OK. It's cute. It's adorable. It's a thing that kids do. Right.

But I feel like romance is intended between people that kind of know each other already. I feel like it's one of those things where you've really got to know what the answer is going to be. And I know that there's no guarantees in life or anything like that, but I mean, even, but I mean, obviously definitely don't do these big sweeping romantic gestures in front of everybody, but I feel like it applies double for people that you aren't sure are going to say yes. You know what I mean? I mean, well, but so if you're like, if you're basically like a stranger to this person,

like you have a crush and they don't really know anything about you because you've never interacted. Yeah. That's kind of awkward. But like, I knew this person. I was in marching band. She was also in marching band. We had been around each other.

Our friends groups kind of overlapped. So I didn't know if she would say yes or no for sure, but I like had talked to her. I thought, oh, she's fun. We have a good time talking. You know, my impression was she didn't leave me mid conversation. So she must have at least kind of enjoyed talking to me

those few times. But like I had, I didn't know she was going to say yes or anything. I feel like it's fair if you do it in the right context to just be like, hey, I think you're awesome. We kind of know each other.

Do you want to go out? But the other thing with that for kids is as an adult not that i've dated as an adult but like i feel like if you approach someone and you're like hey it's me you kind of know me i kind of know you you want to get coffee the context of that is like do you want to get to know each other more you don't necessarily dive right into do you want to go to the most romantic restaurant in the city and then get a hotel downtown afterwards and see what happens like you know there's there's levels to it and if you're going for coffee you don't have to know if they like you or not you're inviting them to be like hey do you want to talk to me and i want to talk to you like me maybe we'll like each other but in high school there's not really such thing as that like you're you're dating or you're not dating and i feel like no matter what you're doing if you're dating it's like it's got all this stigma to it i don't know it means

something means you're kissing that means you're kissing i don't know the whole concept of dating just seems so like i haven't dated in a while but even like when i did the whole concept of dating just like irks me i i don't like it i don't feel comfortable with it it's like hello person that i'm trying to get to know yeah i swear i'm not just trying to have sex with you i swear i don't like it. I don't feel comfortable with it. It's like, hello, person that I'm trying to get to know. Yeah, I swear I'm not just trying to have sex with you. I swear. I don't know. It's a good lead off. But kind of like in the same vein, like I'm not good at making friends either.

And I think it's kind of like a spiritual successor of. Oh, it's the same. It's the same concept. Like, how do you go? You're essentially trying to make a really good friend. How do you go up to a human and be like, hey, you seem cool. I think let's go. There's no

tinder for friends right and it's like friender let's make the only reason that bob you and i are friends is because we were assigned to be roommates and we just so happen to get along that's random it's just like you're forced to associate so it's like you might as well get to know this person that you're in a room with for a long time but how do you make i don't even know this is why people like become an adult and they run out of friends because they move away and high school is just a situation where you're forced to interact with people.

And yet there are no situations where you're forced to interact with people. Like I'm trying to learn Korean. So I want to meet Korean friends. How the fuck do I do that? How do I do it? I've got an idea. Let's start an app.

We'll call it Frender. Or you know how there's preschool? What if we have post-school for people just to go and have apple juice and, you know relearn the alphabet or something it makes you you're describing like a nursing home well a nursing home but you don't have to be knocking on death's door to go i mean there does kind of need to be a thing but when i was in college too i didn't make friends in college besides bob really and it's just because like it's not the same you're in the same place with these other people but you're not forced to interact you don't have a locker next

to someone you're just like going there's no there's no group activities in college i hated all the people i was in group activities with or like assigned to do group work with no dude you know what i will say i made friends in college i'm as far as i'm remembering except for like you mark all the friends i made in college were people who were in music school because the music school was like a high school for people who are too old to go to high school it was like this i don't know if you remember what your experience was but the it was i went to the university of cincinnati they have the college conservatory of music it's a very good music school in general yeah it is but it's like a little high school it's

very like clicky and and i don't know weird like there's some very it's kind of good music school in general yeah it is but it's like a little high school it's very like clicky and and i don't know weird like there's some very it's kind of one of those things where it becomes its own little microcosm and i made friends through that because we were essentially forced to interact like you were saying i didn't like another person that i met in any of my regular classes at college or anything else that i did as As far as I'm remembering, I did group projects with people. I was in a degree program once I switched out of music that was not that big.

I think there were 20 of us that graduated my year with my degree. We all kind of knew each other. Didn't care for anyone. Yeah. Didn't like those people. Oh my God. Didn't stay friends for five minutes

once I was done doing whatever I did to graduate. God, you know what the tragedy is? All the people that I liked in my program dropped out. And I'm guessing like me included, I ended up dropping out, but I was did to graduate. God, you know what the tragedy is? All the people that I liked in my program dropped out. And I'm guessing like me included, I ended up dropping out, but I was going to finish. But everyone else, like I didn't really like.

I don't get it. I don't know. I think that's possibly a million dollar app idea right there. Yeah, definitely. Grindr, no, not Grindr, Tinder, but for friendship. I mean, it could could be grinder for friendship and that seems like a non-important specificity that it's for gay friendships is it one of those things where no matter what those apps are going to be used for fucking people because because it's

going to boil down to that right probably definitely it's supposed down to it because there's no way that you could be like i want to make a friend do you specify gender is it like anything like that do you get like who do you meet up with like creeps are gonna find people and be like hey i want to be friends with you you know it's like always a risk when you're going out to meet humans because humans are sometimes terrible the creeps always only have deep voices yeah obviously yeah okay i mean i mean not me though not me though it's like a square is a rectangle but a rectangle is not a square you You know what I mean? Hello, everybody.

Anyway, making friends is I think I have made one, I guess two. It's a couple of people who are like new friends that I have hung out with socially since I can remember. I don't know, man. It feels like it's been a long time yeah this is turning into a really sad thing because i don't remember the last time that i made a friend forget dating we can't even make friends i know well no i'm sure all listeners out there all hard you struggle this isn't just us right this is normal people issues right right guys it's tough to do a lot of i feel like for dating and friendship both high school and like whenever you're around a lot of people a lot, it's a lot easier to have interaction.

That's I wouldn't say forced interaction, but like it kind of is forced interaction where it's like, well, at least you're all already there kind of next to each other. Whereas as an adult, it's like without an app, how do you legitimately meet people to make either friends with or to possibly date without it being like a, I am physically attracted to you. Let me go talk to you. Or, hey, you laugh at sport thing. I want to laugh at sport thing. Let me just go talk to you out of the blue. This is what blows my mind about Evan, because Evan, here's an example about how you guys know Evan, right? Yeah, he works. Yeah, he works for Mark. Yeah. So basically, Evan is the most friendable person I've ever met. He once, like last time I was out in Austin filming Heist, he stayed at an Airbnb there in the basement of this dude's house.

And he made friends with his Airbnb guy. He made friends. He talked with him and then hung out with him and then kept up with him to the point where when we filmed Space, he brought him over to hang out because like, oh shit, I know this guy in Austin. Like, how do you do that how do you physically do that he made friends with all of our bus drivers when we were doing the

tour every one of them every one of them I couldn't believe he had nicknames for everyone too he would always make like venue friends and stuff too yeah because on the tour we're in like a different place every day yeah and he I would always inevitably I'd be coming in from the bus or something and he'd be in the loading dock with like a dude in a high visibility vest just like oh hey this is like charles with uh we're just hanging out what the fuck how do you yeah i don't get that we just met we're just buddies now because i can do the thing where i can talk to anybody like i i get that it's not really hard for me to carry a conversation with someone but the desire to like continue that and i get that they're like there are other people out there that i could probably be very good friends with

and stuff like that but just like the desire to continue those conversations beyond the point where we're talking like i don't think we text really all that much to catch up and i don't text with my friends at all and like i don't catch up with people so i can't even imagine catching up with someone i don't know like how do you do it yeah i don't know man we should take like a week off and just have evan host and tell the entire world yeah the secret i mean i don't have so many stories you're gonna sit evan down and be like all right um long beach california yeah there's your prompt and he would just be like which year which month how do i yeah i don't even pick yeah i know everyone in long beach uh i was down in

long beach uh picking up some stuff a couple weeks ago, and I was on the corner, and this dude came up, and we talked for four hours. I know. I'm going to be the best man at his wedding. That is not an exaggeration. This is legitimately how Evan operates. No, that's not.

I wouldn't even be surprised, really. If Evan said that, I'd be like, sure, man. He's just that type of guy. He is. Ah, Evan. I'm looking up an article of 13 best apps for making new friends. It was Meetup. There's Bumble BFF.

Ooh, Bumble the dating app has made a BFF for searching for platonic yet meaningful relationships with others. Oh, well, that's nice. There you go. That is nice. Oh, see, it was a million dollar idea. It's just someone already did it. We could do it better with friender oh there's there's an app called atleto which is like for finding training buddies for gyms or like uh sport buddies or stuff like that that's cool that's nice i've even got the tagline friender for when you hardly even know her there's

that sounds so tagline of an app for creepy dudes who were like ah i saw this girl there's already an app called friender i hate to say it's on this list yeah yeah wow uh wade that's already an app actually you're just recycling more content that was actually the premise of a uh 1996 ewan gregor movie as well uh the movie is actually called friendster that's different technically but you're just stealing that movie wade let's be honest okay what about like instead of e harmony we have like e platonic e no it doesn't have a uh help it's called meet my dog if you're a dog lover surely have a good time oh man there's also one called peanut which is specifically for moms who feel isolated i want to connect to other moms which connects

women across fertility and motherhood and that's interesting oh i feel like that's that's kind of like echoing something happens usually like back in the day i guess when you know stay-at-home moms not that it doesn't happen now but you know like neighborhood moms would get together and they would talk but if i recall you know it's another one of those things where it's like forced arrangements and maybe you don't really like everyone there and i don't know that makes me remember my relationships the ones i've had i think i've only legitimately asked like one person out i mean technically i asked molly out but molly definitely instigated us talking in high school the first girl i ended up dating my buddy wanted to date and then she ended up like sitting with me and kind of like implying and then we dated for like two months another girl people were like aren't you even dating

actually two in a row people aren't you even dating yet we're like uh yeah and then we were like do we want to date yeah sure and it was like after the peer pressure i think my ex from college is the only one that i instigated talking to and asked out without there being like some kind of social pressure to do it or without them instigating us. Like I said, Molly kind of did with us. No, yeah, no, I suck too. Maybe it's us.

Maybe we're the problem in terms of meeting people and making friends. I'm always kind of afraid of that, that we're going to have these conversations because we used to do this when we would stream too, which we should do again, by the way. That was fun. But we used to have these talks where we're like talking about personal stuff and like you know like oh it's so hard to make friends like how do you meet and i'm always afraid that the the listener or the audience or whoever is just sitting there like holy fuck these guys are sociopaths oh my god i can't i can't listen to this anymore i'm out of here this those are bad

people yikes me episode about dating advice. Actual effect. We lose our audience and our significant others are like, you guys are kind of losers. We listen to your podcast and we decide we want to leave too. Families delete our number like, mom, I'm not your mother. I've really been testing that with Mandy lately. She listened to the shit in my pants episode.

What did she think of that? So I guess that's a good sign. I'm going to go upstairs. Even my dogs aren't going to look at me. The shattered remnants of ginger laying on the ground. Apert their gaze. If you don't know that reference, then you didn't listen to the episode, did you? Yeah, take that.

Anyway, I don't think anyone should probably listen to any dating or friendship advice we have to offer. We're bad people. Let's crash this plane into a mountain and get out of here, boys. I mean, honestly, when it comes down to it, what I'm starting to realize is like, yeah, it's me. I don't have any desire to go and talk to people. Like, I, and I don't, that is entirely a fault of mine. But also I'm assuming that any random person that I go up and talk to probably doesn't want to talk to me either. But what it's probably a situation is, is where they're like, man, I wish someone would talk to me.

And a person like Evan comes up and be like, hey, you're cool. Hey, like just the way Evan talks to people probably makes him feel great. And just like, hey, I'm appreciated. This is great. Evan should write a book. He should. About all the people he's met. Yeah, it's our idea, though.

So we should all get royalties from it. But Evan, write a book. And that's why we don't have friends. Oh, damn it. Wow. What if, okay, what if get royalties from it. Evan, write a book. That's why we don't have friends. Damn it. Wow. What if, okay, what if we just monetize it a little bit? Uh-huh. What if I just wrote the book and then I had Evan edit it so that it was in his voice?

Then, like, I did the work, so that would make sense, right? So I would get the money. Or Evan can write the book, but we will read it online and take credit for the words. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. All right. online and take credit for the words. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. All right.

I see what you're getting at. Yeah. Evan, buddy, we want to monetize you. That's why you're our friend. Oh, God. What happened to me? I'm officially off board with this idea. Wade is on his own once more.

What happens? Heavy is the head that wears the crown, and I've been the judge one too many times. Any other dating advice? Not from us. We should not give any. Nah, we're cool, man. It's just a bit, right? We're cool, we're cool.

Are we cool? Yeah. I don't think we're cool, man. Yeah, that's why I say it so much. We're cool. Yeah. Probably not. Come on, man.

No, don't. I don't think so. Mark, an extra three points for your brutal set honesty there. Bob, you get seven points for some of the stuff you said in the middle. Mark, you also get seven points for some of the stuff you said in the middle. Okay. I mean, hang on. I've got my spreadsheet here.

I've got my Excel file ready to do some math um mark wins by two points oh i feel cheated you probably should because i'm surprised but that three pointer i gave in the middle i guess the extra three points there really can't argue with the man you can't argue it's just how it is oh i feel like uh i feel like everything's stacked against me feels unfair hey maybe you can match my losing streak no well that's dating everyone uh and friendship if you're listening then just know there's probably better advice out there than what we offered you thank you mark and thank you bob for reminding us of how sad and awful we are thank you i feel like we've really uh really uh made people feel good out there. Us included.

That's what comedy does. Yeah. That's the podcast, everyone. Download all of our episodes on every podcast app and listen to them all day, every day. Thank you to our sponsors and to Wood Elf. Thank you, Mark, Bob. Thank you most of all to me for being a great judge. We'll see you all next week for, I guess, whatever Mark wants to talk about.

All right. Sounds good. Podcast out.