Distractible - Disappointing Our Parents

Episode Date: March 21, 2022

Quitting jobs, sneaking porn, having a run-in with the police, today the guys chat about times they upset their parents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Tresemme. Want silky smooth hair that's still full of natural movement? The Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection is your simple solution. This new collection features a wide range of products from nourishing shampoo and conditioner to lightweight heat protectants and a silky smooth serum for a sleek finish. Wave goodbye to frizz and say hello to three days of smooth hair with the Tresame Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection. Visit Tresame.com to learn more. This episode is brought to you by Secret.

Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection. Free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH balancing mineralsancing minerals and crafted with skin-conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart

or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Navigating adulting isn't always easy. You're not just working, you're working late. And dinner dates are all, what's your five-year plan? And you're thinking, paying off the bill for this fancy pants meal, probably. So when you need to break free from responsibility and experience something that feels more you, reach for Kraft Dinner.

Because when you're starved for moments that bring you back to who you really are and what you really love, that's when it's gotta be KD. When you gotta do you, it's gotta be KD. Shop now. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractulump through the most diminishing of all situations, the annihilation of approbation from one's mater or pater. Yes, it's time for Disappointing Our Parents. Please pack thy guilt for a very long trip, and enjoy the show. Hello, gentle listeners, and welcome back to another incredible episode of Distractible.

My name is Markiplier, and I'm going to be your host for this evening, morning, or afternoon, wherever you're watching it. I'm the judge, the arbitrator of this round of discussion. And today, oddly enough, I'm joined by a Bob and Wade. Oh, bully. Hello, hello. I was the true winner last week, but somehow it was given to you and i haven't forgotten that i feel like that means you're not the true winner i was the most gracious loser i'm never gracious when i lose well all right what you're right

that's fair that's your win point for honesty oh yeah i'm marking that one down one point for me i'm marking them down too you are you just trying to check me yeah all right go for it you know i'm i'm i'm fine with that i'm open with my points all right but today is a very special day in that today we will be doing small talk all right there he goes i have discovered a new thing that makes me laugh but also embarrasses me okay i was just telling you about this before we started recording but it's apparently i cannot help but laugh at songs where someone has taken auto-tune and ruined the song whether it's like changing it so they're singing out of tune or or just fully changing the melody or like i saw there's a sound with uh smash mouth that song all-star but it was to that tiktok meme that's

like please don't text me when you're drunk but in but then the verse is just smash mouth i'm watching and i'm like this is terrible this is garbage shit post content and then also i'm laughing until my eyes tear up and i feel very conflicted about it so that's my life right now i get that i get the stupid things that just like for some reason make you double over like i remember when we were doing change and i was it you or ethan that went like four change five fucking ethan oh i laughed for like 10 minutes i don't know what happened to me i remember that that was so funny yeah oh my god oh yeah okay yeah so don't feel bad uh wait have you found anything hilarious on the internet that you'd like to share yeah so i discovered uh recently in the last few weeks that there's this

new trend on various like video streaming networks uh called anime okay and i've seen a few of them now okay oh wow yeah i've seen can you say what you say again, but is an old man voice. Sure, sure. I've discovered in the past few weeks this new phenomenon on various streaming networks called anime. Wait, I asked you to change your voice. You sound exactly the same. Oh, oh, you guys are ribbing me you're ribbing me that's three points to wade oh no no no oh sorry i thought i thought um all right what's

this anime about what you watching well i i'd watched the dragon ball dragon ball z and stuff growing up that's the only one i'd ever really watched but uh when we had some guests in town they got me started on my hero academia which has been pretty good that's a big word for elmo i'm sure you've said academia before but i just look at you like reading an anime title and you're like ecky dime attack on tit and what is this um yes got you again for back that's what it says that's like the snl attack on tit and i'll take attack on titan for 500 but watch that that we watched one called food wars 2 which is mostly a food porn oh hell yeah i've actually watched that one i've only watched the first season i've heard food wars is supposed to be really good actually it's been enjoyable it's so weird it's very weird yeah i was not prepared for everyone to be naked enjoying their

food and like every time i eat food now i'm like oh man the way that this delicious ketchup has lightly pasted over the hot dog as i inserted in my mouth after the aroma of the scented microwave fumes i was added to it and then your clothes rip off yeah then clothes rip off and i'm sitting there drooling with like my cheeks all rosy red a little bit of drool on the edge of my mouth yeah no food wars is a trip i i eventually got to watch more of it but i've only seen the first season yeah it's it's been it's been an interesting world they're very different from hey arnold and cat dog are they though are they though a little bit more nudity yeah oh is it though cat dog's naked the whole time what the hell are you talking

about i guess cat dog was naked the whole time that's true that's true the other dogs are wearing clothes in that show cat dog fully nude but they're each other's private parts true yeah how do they pee all right point to Bob for winning small talk all right I didn't even mention how many for me you should watch Merlin it's on Netflix it's really good if you guys seen Merlin no from the mid 2000s it's excellent it's very good it's like if Game of Thrones was made by British people and good okay all right I'll put it on my list i already won i'm just piling on now sorry wayne yeah that's fine how many points did i get for that uh none small talk over all right all right so we're moving on to today's discussion and i'm gonna kick it off with

a story of my own like i usually do three points to you three points to me um so when i was a young lad i've told you the story about how when i went into the woods and found a vhs tape porn that was that was porn right a porn so that was not actually my first time seeing pornography oh no sinner so after that and our failed attempt to get this vhs to play the next logical place that we went was obviously the internet. Yes. Because it was this glorious portal into the world that had an infinite amount of knowledge and very likely porn. Wasn't there a shady section of Blockbuster that had some nice scantily clad females on

the covers too, though? What the hell, Ben? Don't know. Where does Blockbuster, did you have in your town? I don't either. Go on. So it was actually uh this uh neighborhood kid that introduced the concept and so we go up to uh when my dad was out we go up to his office

and his computer right our first mistake so we go uh on the computer and we open up whatever the search engine of that time was probably like ask jeeves or altavis or something like that we go to ask jeeves and we type in p-o-r-n enter click you know the internet says dial up at that day but our good old butler boy help you oh he sure did because i feasted my eyes upon things that i had no idea what it was because like i'm way way too young to have seen any of that stuff at this point it's like the stars boobies boobies i mean pretty stars but i can't even say that because like this is like i i must have been like 10 or 11 at this point so like this is pre-puberty nothing it all i knew was that i wasn't allowed to look at it so we quickly get scared because that's how it always goes you know as soon as we're like we're gonna do something dangerous and then as soon as you do you're like, oh, yeah, and then you bail and I thought that was the end of it. It was not

My dad was very tech savvy. He knew how the internet worked and he knew how internet history worked and so Surprise surprise he looks at his history and discovers that we or more specifically I Has been looking up pornography and he was not mad he was disappointed and he i was hoping to be enthusiastic like dude let me show you all the female parts bro you're finally here here's a hole here's a hole here's a nip here's a nip here's a nip now we can bro out together i want a beer anyway god i've been waiting for this day so he was you know upset not really but you know disappointed and he thought up a punishment and the punishment was i needed to read the bible my dad very religious person so i read the bible interesting and he made me do a book report on the story of job

you guys know about the story of job i do one of my favorite sci-fi books is based on the story of job i always thought it was a story about like how to apply for jobs i didn't know it was actually a guy named job so no not too familiar well i mean i don't even know if applying for jobs would come from that story either because job was a godly man oh and he was very devout and believed and then one day apparently the god and the devil were just talking as they do and uh this is i'm literally translating the book report that i wrote when i was like 10 or 11 you still have it you read it every day and so these two guys were talking and there's job he's got family and a farm and whatnot. And the devil says to God is all like, hey, you're not as good as you think you are.

Your people don't believe in you as much as they do. You think you they do. And I bet that I can get one of them to switch on you at a heartbeat. Even the most devout. And God was like, well, there's Job. He's he's happy. Fuck up his life. He'll still believe in me. And so the devil did that.

I think he killed his whole family, like all his sons and daughters and wife, and it made his crops turn to dust or whatever. Job's just like, it's fine. Everything is fine. Legitimately. As he sips his tea. That is what it was. Job stayed true.

Never cursed God's name. None of that. Always stayed true. And then and then you know the devil's like ah you got me and then god's like i showed you anyway job here's a new wife here's new kids and job who must have completely forgotten about his old ones and didn't care for him at all was like oh thanks here's more farms great where's my old wife and kids back they're in hell i guess they're gone man don't hold on to that they're in that pile over there here's a shovel go dig them up job they're still there anyway like i'm sure i'm paraphrasing some here but that's not the point of this is that to child

me the story of job meant nothing but this was the punishment that my father deemed fit for watching pornography. I don't know how the lesson connects. I don't know if God is going to take things away from me if I watch porn or whatever. I think that was just a threat. I felt threatened. Yes. I think that was a thinly veiled threat. Your dad was like, do this again. You're Job. You're Job and I'm Satan. If you look at porn, your your dad's gonna get you a new wife and kids. Anyway, so the topic of today is I want to hear stories of how you disappointed or terrorized the lives of your own parents. When were they not mad, but disappointed in you?

Oh, dude, I'm gonna have a really hard time with this because I was a great kid. I was so horribly, lamely perfect in every way. I'm sorry. Is this the same man who in the last episode we recorded slaughtered an innocent tree in order to capture a raccoon? Is that you, perfect son? Yeah, but my siblings were all so bad that my mom still looked at that as a holy act. I could do no wrong growing up because there was always worse around me.

Okay, the fact that you didn't necessarily get in any trouble or whatever does not mean that it wasn't bad. The fact that there wasn't a dead body, a line of cocaine, and like six pregnant women involved in that story already made me better than my siblings in my mom's eyes. Well, we're not comparing you to your sister. Because you were the good kid, your mom would have been disappointed and not mad because she expected better out of you. There had to have been points in your life where you felt deep shame at your actions. If you were a good kid kid you would have felt that and don't you stand there and tell me that you didn't do anything that made your mom disappointed in you well she would have had to note about it to be disappointed i always got away with it when i did do something well we're gonna call her up after this if this is the case

no she's gone what whoa she's gone i don, she just vanished! She up and vanished one day, I don't know! So there ARE things! Okay, I will extend it to things that you have not told your parents. This is also a confessional. Oh no! This is also a confessional. If you don't have anything, you have to make things. Oh god. And once again, it must be, uh, titled,

it must be in story form, MLA. Sources cited. All that stuff. A bibliography. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Whoa. What are you listening to this for? Wait.

Who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built in so you can change the music. Oh, yeah. Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment.

That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Best Western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze. And it felt a little like... Come on kids, back to the hotel room. Goodnight kids. Goodnight mama. Life's a trip make the most of it at best western would you guys like a few minutes to contemplate i've got three already

you said you had nothing you said you were a good kid well i was mostly i knew it they're relatively minor i didn't do that much bad uh-huh all right bob you need some time to think i do need time i'm actually a good kid and i don't have any stories where my parents were disappointed or mad shove it up your asses i'm the best kid that ever was i'm the nice one yeah that's me yeah uh-huh i i'm not gonna dict up the points but i am disappointed in you oh that kind of hurts all right way do you have a title for uh which story you want to put forward first oh um oh a title man that's tough uh which story i want to tell first i guess we'll start off with this one what i want to call it i need a moment for my title okay okay got it you saw boobs without me um all right that's a good title bob do you have anything to compete or are you i'm still thinking man i'm trying to pick okay all right wade it is your time to shine

i'll give you one point by default for going first well hell yeah um so we are rewinding back to i think we were man i don I don't, there was a club in Cincinnati. I cannot remember what it was called, but I think you could get in 18 or up. It was not a 21 or up club. Okay. So this had to have been senior year of high school, like probably spring, early summer, 2007. Some friends and I were going to go to this club. So we all get together, we get dressed up. We're like, man, we're going to go to this club so we all get together we get dressed up we're like man we're gonna go to our first club this is gonna be awesome and we've been there like a couple of us have been there like once before you walked in they id'd you if you weren't 21

they put like a stamp on your hand and so on and so forth people go into the bathroom and wash it off they wanted my alcohol it was very easy to skirt around the rules i did not drink underage after losing my dad to alcoholism that was one thing i did not do but we all want to go to this club and hang out and meet girls and so on and so forth and i remember we got dressed up we got in the car we drove over and when we arrived at the location the place was just trashed very obviously closed down i might have even been partially demolished i can't remember but it was very obvious the club no longer existed and we had all put on like our best high school Polo shirts and khakis or whatever the hell we owned at the time

I was that it was that and we looked around the style that you still wear to this day That's the style that explains why my wardrobe hasn't changed in over a decade. Thank you That was 15 years ago. Oh good. So we're looking at each other like well What do we do now and I don't remember who suggested it but one of my friends was like well there's a strip club not too far from here we could go check out and we all just looked at each other like super nervous like we were all like that'd be cool but also none of us really wanted to go be put in our uncomfortable place whatever i was on the fence because i thought it sounded like an awkward place to go like a naked girl museum's kind of weird but i guess if you want to go thought it sounded like an awkward place to go like a naked

girl museum's kind of weird but i guess if you want to go see it we can go i don't know the appeal of strip clubs has just never really been there for me yeah i'm not not about that either but that's where most people voted so that's where we went we went to a strip club that also is no longer in existence i think it's a church now which is kind of weird um but hey it had a change of heart we walked in and when you first walked in you kind of like have to go through dude's idea and everything then you walk in you're immediately by the bar and then like way across the room is the stage and we were all like so nervous to be there so we picked seats as far away from everything as humanly possible and the four of i think it was four of us all sat together like side by side of these chairs and basically like the nosebleed

section so there were like the 10 dudes that were super stoked to be there that are up on the stage throwing their singles like whooping and hollering and just being like you know asshole douchey guys but i guess they were the paying customers and there was us sitting like way in the back uh there were girls wearing various levels of clothing or no clothing walking around i guess they were the paying customers and there was us sitting like way in the back uh there were girls wearing various levels of clothing or no clothing walking around i guess offering lap dances and that kind of thing and it was just it was like an hour hour and a half of just super awkwardness where a couple of my friends got into it but a couple of us also were just like dude this is awful i want to leave so bad i swear one of the girls got on stage and i'm sure this is not what the announcer said but this is what i heard and what i swear i hear to leave so bad i swear one of the girls got on stage and i'm sure this is not what

the announcer said but this is what i heard and what i swear i hear to this day is this is uh sandra sandra's only here because she wants to pay her way through college and she just had this like sad expression as she walked out there and like started dancing on the pole who knows what her face actually looked like but i'm like she's only here because of this she is showing you her boobs because she has no other way to pay for her life enjoy her stripping i guess it was just like this guilty like sitting back there because we didn't have a whole lot of money so it's not like we were up there like throwing bills or anything so we're just broke high schoolers sitting back here while this poor girl's up there like strutting her stuff because she has no other way to pay for college it's just like dude i want to leave so

badly so uh we get home that night uh everyone kind of goes their separate ways and my mom's like well you got dressed up where'd you go oh well we tried to go to uh the club but uh it got closed down so we went to uh strip club instead and my mom gets this look on her face like you went to what uh strip club i mean the guys wanted to go it was awful i didn't really like i didn't want to go you went to a strip club and i didn't get to take you your first time what i wanted to take you the first time you went to a strip club oh uh well you'd never mention that we never talked about but she was not disappointed that i went she was disappointed that i saw boobs without her so was it you that mentioned what i what my dad was like or is that bob that's just like oh hell yeah yeah you want some beers and some boobs so

that was actually your mom yeah my mom was actually like man i just wish i was there for your first time my mom was the one all my friends considered like the really cool mom growing up she was the one that like she talked to my my sister's friends whenever they were teenagers she talked to like their parents she's like hey do you care if uh so and so drinks wine over at our house they'll be supervised and everything like we were the house she went to for like the cool mom i guess so all my friends like they're like dude i would never tell my parents we went you told your mom yeah she was sad she didn't go with us i guess your mom's so cool like yeah nothing i want to do than stare at some poor college girl barely paying her way or stare at her boobs while my mom sits next to me pointing them out and telling me all about them.

Telling you all about boobs? I don't know. What's my mom going to tell me? If we go together, what's the point? Like, what's she going to do? Like, oh, man, Wade, which girl attracts you the most? Like, oh, well, mom, I don't know. The boobs on this one.

Look at those areolas. Like, what the fuck? What conversations do you have with your mom at a strip club oh god well i guess that does qualify for the topic because she was disappointed in you and she was not mad she sure was so i'll i'll give you i'll give you two points for that story i'll give you two points for that that was good it had a nice nice unexpected twist thank you yes bob do you have your story ready yes okay all right hesitant um i like it i'm trying to think of a title still but i think i think i think my story is going to be titled um i don't know it was raining okay all right i like it uh my story goes back to high school as well i want to preface all this by

saying i think i burned my parents out on this at a young age i'm a relatively smart person and like i'm one of those kids when i was in middle school high school if you asked any of my teachers they would have been like you know what he is this bright kid he just needs to apply himself more oh no i was exactly that kid where like i could have gotten probably straight a's if i really put in the effort and did all my homework and studied and but like i don't know i'm not capable of that i have no idea i'm like a chronically lazy and uh poor student my parents gave me a lot of shit all the way through like middle school and through the first year or two of high school every report card i'd come home and it'd be like, A minus, A minus, B, B minus.

And they'd be like, Bs? Are you kidding me? How many homework assignments did you miss? I'd be like, I don't know, all of them. And I did great in college, by and large, because homework didn't count in a lot of my classes. All you gotta do is show up and take the test. And I was certainly capable of that.

But they reached a point where I bring home a, you know, senior year of high school. I brought home a report card and it was like, A minus, A minus, B, B minus, C plus. And my parents were just like, you can do better than this probably. I don't, good job. I don't know what you want.

So they latched onto my brother because he is an excellent student. He is probably smarter than I am. And he's an excellent student. He's always done really well and got straight A's. so i think they just put all their hopes in his basket uh but this one i was a very lucky kid uh when i turned it wasn't when i turned 16 but when i turned 17 uh my grandmother was like hey we have two cars my my grandparents had two cars and then really only drove the one her car that she had had forever and ever just sat in the garage.

It was like a 1993 Buick Century, I think. Just sat in her garage and she was like, what if Bobby drove this car? What if I give this car to Bobby? And my parents were like, I guess. Yeah, I mean, we're not going to buy a car. High school kids don't need a car. But if you're really not using it. And so literally we drove up over the summer.

I had my license. I was 17. We drove up there. the summer i had my license i was 17 we drove up there we had to clean bees out of it it was it had been sitting for so long that it had multiple generations of a beehive in the door and like in the vent thing it was a whole thing so we got the bees out of it and uh dad drove it down and that was like my car i had like a high school car which i think i got that the summer before my senior year so it's like my last year of high school i finally have a car i can drive myself to school get a parking lot drive to school be one of those kids and it's great and uh i was a kid right i was one too once kids are not very responsible there's a reason i don't know if i

believe that yeah i don't believe it either there's a reason that it costs so much money to have car insurance for a young person until you're're like 25, it costs extra. Because you're an idiot. Especially if you're a guy, apparently. They're right. Very true. Whatever they base that on, it's correct. I agree.

Because I drove myself and a buddy who lived close. I would pick him up every morning and drive to school and then drive us home from band practice. And I would screw around. Like, not insane. I mean, it was not like a fast car as an old buick but you know when you're a kid and you're just driving and you're on your own you screw around you're like oh how fast can i take this turn like can i make the can i make the tire squeal if i like hold the brakes and slam the gas like what happens great ideas yeah well i did lots

of smart stuff but one time it was raining and I was just driving home from school and I was turning from a residential street onto another residential street. These are both slow, low speed limit streets. And I was like, it's raining, which means it's slippy. So if I take this turn really fast, I can Tokyo drift it. This car is front wheel drive and I understood what that meant kind of, but I was like, I bet I can do it. If I go fast enough and turn hard enough, the back wheels will slide out and it'll be really cool so i drove my car directly into a curb at like 30 miles an hour and then into a tree very slightly and we were

fine my buddy was in the car with me and he was kind of like what the fuck dude what like it was he didn't like that he was not a car guy but we were fine no one got hurt airbags didn't go off or anything but i really really fucked up the car and i remember like we did that and we're just sitting there like you know 10 minutes away from home sitting there and pete is like ah damn i guess we walk and i was like my car i think it's broken i don't know i called my dad and he comes and he's like clearly i had broken like the control arm which is basically one of the things that keeps the wheel from flopping around like a not wheel as well as a bunch of other stuff basically it's broken it's undriveable

and dad came and we got it towed and on the drive home like he dropped off pete and said bye to pete and then on the way to our house dad looks at me and he's like, so what'd you do? Race in or something like that? And I was like, I don't know. I mean, I was just driving safely. It's raining and there was other cars around and I just like just barely touched the curb and the car exploded. I don't even know how it broke. And he was like, and like just the absolute sting of like him knowing that I'm a moron, that I did this.

And also all of his fears about me being a really unsafe driver being completely confirmed. There was a stretch of time after that where I was not allowed to drive on my own. And they weren't mad. They weren't mad. They were a little peeved about how expensive it was to fix, at that point, 15- or 16-year-old car. But they were disappointed.

Because all I had was, I don't know, it i had was i don't know it's raining i don't know yeah oh man that sucks i feel bad but good story though two points thank you you're welcome you're welcome all right saint wade oh glorious wade who can do no wrong whose parents like kiss the ground upon ye walk okay so i've got a story i've got two more i've written down here i've got one where my mom was actually disappointed and i've got one where i got away with something which one do you want to hear first i don't care which one are you more ashamed of neither one are really as good as the first one the first one was all my all my eggs were in that basket okay i guess i'll save the best for last of these two and i'll tell you the one where my mom was actually disappointed in me okay so of all things uh rewinding back to i think it was

like 2013 we had been doing drunk minecraft at the time for a little while i had launched my youtube channel i think november 19th of 2012 i posted my first youtube video and i was working at an eye institute uh checking people's vision and stuff like that and my mom had helped me get that job Because I don't know a lot of our people out there listening like I don't know how the job market has been for you guys But despite me actually being like a 4.0 student and having all kinds of like great recommendations a beautiful card and Honors and all that stuff apparently none of that shit mattered because when i went to applying for jobs every place wanted experience there's no way to start a job somewhere unless you have experience or like your dad owns the company yeah funny about that yeah really weird so despite

having like all of these great credentials i couldn't get hired anywhere and my mom helped me get an in with this i institute so i started working there and i was working there for about five or six months when my youtube channel started doing really well So I was having really good growth I went from like 10 or 15 000 subscribers on youtube up to like 20 30 40 50 And it was like growing faster and faster So I got to like 50 55 000 youtube subscribers and I was like this is it I can go full time ad revenue was never had never been better also mysteriously

It was november and december as I was saying that how weird oh yeah crazy crazy how uh weird how around christmas time ad revenues an all-time high great time to quit your job and go full-time on youtube right as you hit the january february march month yeah yeah but regardless of that i remember after my mom helped me get this job and uh she knew everyone that worked there and everything i was doing well people liked me there i had finished their training course. I was in like this floating course. I forget what it was called, but basically a tech trainee program where I worked with all the different departments.

So like glaucoma, retina, so on and so forth. And I told her, I was like, hey, I'm going to quit and go full time with gaming. And like, and I remember growing up again, I was a really good kid. I don't have many stories of like having disappointment because I was always the great hope of the family. I was the one that was going to go to college and law school, get my law degree and be super successful and make all kinds of money and stuff. And here I was one, not having gone to law school.

And now it's like, not only did I not go to law school, now I'm quitting a very good job that has good benefits, good pay. She helped me get it. And now I'm leaving them after only job that has good benefits good pay she helped me get it and now i'm leaving them after only six months to go play video games and i remember the look in her eyes like said it all and she tried to be like calm and nice about it she's like well i don't know if that's really a good idea are you sure this is what's best because you know you're making this you have these benefits yada yada yada and i was convinced but suffice it to say i also called my aunt um she and my mom are like the two

people i consult most neither one of them were very thrilled about the idea uh it was very difficult to hear their disappointment uh in my decisions they've since come around and have agreed maybe it was a good choice but at the time i remember like you know i i i thought it was the right move but i didn't know for sure if it would pan out well. But I knew I couldn't keep doing the whole like working eight hours a day, five days a week, then coming home, eating dinner, taking a nap, recording, editing, going to sleep at like 2 a.m., getting up at 530 in the morning. Like it was just that was killing me. I could not do YouTube and work a full time job. And I just couldn't do it. I wasn't able to do it.

So it worked out. And like I said, it's not a great story But it's one of the few times there was legit disappointment and like everyone was like, that's a bad choice I don't know. I don't know if YouTube's the way to go It's kind of like whenever you and I talked on the balcony There weren't a whole lot of people that were supporting you doing YouTube at the time But yeah leaving this job was such a huge thing and I I was so scared to have that conversation and man Oh, ma'am, did it live up

to the expectations of disappointment? Yeah, I did something similar with my mom, where I was in college. And I had made the decision that I was like, okay, I got to pick either one of you the same thing. It was like, okay, I'm starting to make some money. I think I'm going to commit to YouTube full time. It's a chance, but I didn't tell my mom, right? So I kept up appearances of going to college, quote unquote, for three hours a day, I drove and I drove to Starbucks in a Barnes and Noble. I just sat there and browsed the internet for like, three hours, I would come back. And you know, my mom, she was very much about like my grades and all this stuff, which, you know, was all useless, because I didn't do homework anyway.

But I got decent grades. But when I stopped having like tests, because she would always ask me what my next test was. And when I stopped knowing, she started to suspect something. And then right around the time when I was getting ready, she confronted me like in my room. She was like, boom, my door opened. She was like, she had that voice you know where her korean starts to come out instead of english and i'm just like oh shit here we go okay mom i'm not really in school at the moment and she was not disappointed she was mad

so that story doesn't qualify for here if you guys have a not disappointed but mad story, I'll take it too. But whoa, my mom was mad. Because she did not understand YouTube. I can imagine. At least I confronted it right away. You literally tried to play it off like you were still going. Well, I mean, it was the right move because I knew how mad she'd be. And it was proven when she was mad.

Right, right. You don't want that to happen. Oh, man. Yeah. be and it was proven when she was mad right right you don't want that to happen oh man yeah i got stories about me disappointing my uh angering my mother i mean she's a saint she's great i don't have that many i could think of like two times ever my mom was mad at me and one was like when i got in a fight with my younger brother and one time was uh i don't remember what the other one was about something about the girl i was dating at the time or something i have one no i have one the only problem i like this story but the only problem with it is i think my parents

were too cool to get mad i have to give them credit interesting oh by the way weighed two points oh nice congrats uh but bob yes my second story is entitled arg to the duchess i didn't even title my second one damn it i'll deduct a point for that you only got one point for that story no title damn it all right i shouldn't have admitted it i would never have uh never have noticed do i get half a point for admitting my faults instead of hiding it nope no the half point is it was what you get from deducted off the first point it makes sense shut up bob go it absolutely makes sense yes uh in high school, I was a cool kid. My freshman year, I quit football.

I thought I was going to be a college football player and go on scholarship and stuff. And that didn't really pan out very well. And I decided to go all in on band. I had been playing tuba since like sixth grade. And I was in band, but I wasn't in marching band because at my school, if you were in football, you couldn't really be in marching band. Those kind of things that happen at the exact same time um so after my freshman year i quit actually i guess this is after my sophomore year because i did marching band the last two

years of high school but whatever i quit football and i started doing marching band and i was real cool but i actually made friends in marching band i don't know that i really had a single friend on the football team i spent time with those guys with at practice and in workouts and stuff and then i never fucking saw them ever outside of where we had to be together but i made friends in band and i made some cool friends some upperclassmen who could drive who had cars and at one point uh we made a really cool plan we were four of us we're gonna hang out we're gonna play some uh video games maybe maybe do a little casual like dnd one-off hang out and basically hang out have some fun kill time until the midnight release of pirates of the caribbean two the first one had been a huge hit pirates were all the rage johnny depp was killing it as

jack sparrow and so we were really hype about pirates 2 right i think that's it's one of the pirates movie i think it was two and we were so we spent this whole night and uh one of the memos i did not get was everybody else showed up at the house we're gonna hang out before we went to the movie dressed as pirates i've never really been much for costumes hard to get a costume when you're like a huge dude they don't fit right you can't just buy whatever and so like it was fine i i showed up and they were all like ah you you didn't wear your costume and i was like i didn't why are you talking like that um but we had a good time those guys were cool it was me and a buddy who was in my grade and then two like seniors and they had the car and they were driving and it was cool we hung out and we went and saw the movie movie was awesome the first three pirates movies are

all pretty good very watchable fun time and uh we had a great time and on the way out we like got back to the car piled in and as we're driving home this was not a particularly close movie theater because we wanted to go to like a cool one this was back in the day before every movie theater just had like those recliner seats that seems to be really common now yeah we went to a cool one that was like they've got nice seats and they've got a fancy drinks machine with more options and this sort of stuff yeah so it was like you know it's like a half hour 35 minutes away which when you've just watched a two hour long movie and it's the middle of the night we were driving home at essentially like 2 33 ish in the morning and as we're driving the guy whose car it is who's driving at some point

is like oh shit guys i fuck i was supposed to get gas we're we're like running on fumes right now like it was on e when we left home now it's like below e like and we were all like oh my god oh shit that's crazy and he was like i'm gonna i'm gonna coast it i'm gonna be really light on the throttle we can do this well we don't really know where we are like we don't know this area should we wait till we get to a like home to like dublin to because we know where the gas stations are and he was like i think we can make it i know there's an exit if we take this exit and then you get off the exit it's like downhill so we can like coast down that hill and just pull right into the gas station.

And we were like, oh, this is crazy. This is so crazy, guys. Holy shit. And, you know, we're high school kids. We're all hyped up on Mountain Dew. It's the middle of the night. It's a whole thing, right? So we're fucking psyched about this.

We're racing the gas tank, whatever, driving on fumes. It's already on E. You're racing it. Yeah, we're racing and uh you'll beat it and we get off the highway and we coast down the hill and we come screaming into the gas station and like pull up he slams it and park and everyone is like yeah yes guys we made it god damn it and everyone is like let's fucking let's get snacks let's get out yes so we all pile out of

this little car and we're just like psych we're not paying attention to anything that's going on around us the one guy goes to gas up the car and the three of us the other guys run up to the door and like it's that thing where like we're all at the door and one of us pulls on it and it doesn't open and it's really jarring and everyone's like whoa the door whoa the door's stuck yeah and we all sort of look around and start to realize like oh oh there's no lights on in the get oh it's dark in the gas station oh shit um and we look back and the guy's at the gas pump and he's sort of like looking over the car at us and he's like it's not working like we all have this collective moment of like oh no oh god guys this gas station's closed and there's not another one

for like a couple miles or something like ah shit and we're like oh fuck like god i hope we can make it to the next gas station sure so we're still hyped up but now we're like oh now we might be in trouble like we're in hometown we're in dublin but like we're not by our parents house yet then it's the middle of the night. It's like 3 a.m. What are they going to come pick us up? That's annoying. And like our parents fully know what we were doing.

They know we were all hanging out. We were seeing this movie. They know we were going to be home super late because it's a midnight movie. But we're like, ah, shit. All right, where's the next? We like strategize for a second, right? We're standing around the car, still amped up beyond belief. We decide we're like, this is one.

This is the one we're going to go to. We all pile in the car, amped up beyond belief we decide we're like i know this is one this is the one we're gonna go to we all pile in the car starts it up we start to pull out of the gas station and literally it's the middle of the night in a suburban area so there's nothing there's no cars it's black empty street nothing as we're pulling out into the empty street just a fucking cacophonous whoosh of every police car our small town must have had in its fleet from every direction. Just come out like in front of us is like five cars from across the street from darkness. The lights turn on full flashers. They come out from behind us like whoosh, like a dozen cars all at once. And we're just like, oh, um, what the fuck?

Like, hello? What did we do? Yeah. Maybe we were speeding. So they called the guys. Like, I don't, we didn't do anything. Those guys were speeding. Get everyone.

Yeah. So, but like canine unit, huge, like just so many dudes. And like one of them was like a SWAT SUV, you know, guys with the helmet. They all come rushing and pull us up. And the guy comes rushing up to the window and like bangs and is like, you know, guys with the helmet, they all come and pull us up. And the guy comes rushing up to the window and like bangs and is like, run out of your window. And we're like, what the fuck, dude? Like, what the hell is happening? Yeah. As it turns out, that specific gas station, because it closed every night at like 10 p.m., some reasonable time, but it was

close to the interstate. It was kind of, it's not in a dense residential area. It was by a bunch of other businesses. It turns out that gas station had been robbed in the middle of the night, sometime between 2 and 6 a.m. Twice in the last two weeks. There's all these cops staking out this gas station. If they show up, we're going to get them this time. They can't keep getting away with this. get we're just if they show up we're gonna get them this time they can't keep getting away with this and at 3 a.m right on cue a car probably playing metallica or blasting some music comes

screaming down the road not you know going way too fast pulls in really aggressively and then a bunch of dudes in pirate costumes pile out of the car and run in the door of the gas station and the cops are like, this is it. Wait, wait till they do it. Hold. And then they watch this, right? Like we're all having this drama at the gas. And all the cops are like, wait, what are they talking about?

Why aren't they breaking in? Maybe one of them is going to go around back. Keep waiting. No, you need to keep your lights off. Everybody stay dark. And then we start to leave. And they're like, what the fuck? They didn't do anything.

Pull them over anyway. Get them. This has to be the guys. I want to hear the call in where they're like there's actual pirates at the gas station right now they think they can hide their identities they're too clever for us one of them's in camouflage the other ones didn't dress up for the occasion it's a whole fucking thing they get us all out of the car they get us separated like they're interrogating us right and they're like uh you know to me my experience was they get us all separate they're like what are you doing? Right, yeah. And they're like, you know, to me, my experience was they get us all separate. They're like, what are you doing? And I was like, we went and saw a midnight movie came out tonight.

We saw Pirates of the Caribbean. He was like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Did your parents know you were? And I was like, yeah, they know they're probably asleep right now. He's like, oh, they're asleep, huh? Get your parents on the phone. Call whoever. Wake them up.

Yeah, like a pirate like you has parents. Yeah. Come on. I call, and like clearly my parents were asleep i call us three three in the morning 3 30 whatever finally get my dad on the phone he's like what the fuck like dad we got pulled over it's really weird the cop wants to talk to you the cop has the phone for all of five seconds he picks it up very like he's about to show me and he's like sir do you know where your son is and i can only imagine my dad was like yeah he went to the movies so i don't know he's supposed to be on his way home the cop was like and hands it back to me and that's it and dad's like dad hangs up and it's

just like just come home and like click that's it and that's this i think that's the same experience everyone had because after you know a few minutes where the cops are all on edge we they let us all get back together and when they're like okay get the hell out of here and we're like well we're really low on gas you guys have like and they're like no go away god damn it get out of here you stupid kids you have any idea how stupid you made us look god but like so we all get in the car and we're like okay well we gotta go to the same gas station like you may or may not make it home on this so we still have to do that shit and as like as we're like okay well we gotta go to the same gas station like it may or may not make it home on this so we still have to do that shit and as like as we're leaving the last cop is at the window it's like the canine cop right he comes over and he's like you guys don't have any uh like drugs or anything in there right we didn't and you know we hadn't told them they could search

the car but they comes you know cops fish for an opportunity to have a dog sniff or whatever comes over and he says that and we're all like no sir no we're gonna go home straight home sir and my one smart ass friend is sitting in the back with me looks at him and he's like there's a bazooka and a case of beer in the trunk and the cops are like all right there's a bazooka get the dog they pull us back out of the car the dogs there's not shit in this car there's like some dnd books and a bunch of other nerd shit and like my stupid dumb piece of shit peep god damn it peep piece of shit peep that's still his nickname to this day god damn that all happens they don't find anything because we're just a couple of nerds going to see a pirate movie we

go home it's fine and like that whole story almost fits this except my dad could not have fucking cared less like the cop had such you know that air that like cops or teachers people in authority get where they're like oh i'm gonna speak to your parent yeah and like and like i was like you can talk to him man but he's just gonna be fucking annoyed that you made me wake him up and that's pretty much what happened you're gonna be the one grounded officer not me yeah he's gonna talk to your parents after we're done hilarious shenanigans though right pirates try to rob the duchess gas station i middle of the night i just love this visual because i keep forgetting that you're in pirate costumes so like i imagine the guy in the back seat was like are there be a bazooka in a case of rum there's a bazooka i just love the thought of like the police perspective they're watching this

they're all like bored out of their minds waiting for something to happen then finally a car pulls in one of them's like asleep the buddy's buddy's like hey hey it's going down they're there they're back and then they see fucking pirates get out of the car yeah and they're like oh my god well that's the thing right criminals do that right you were like you know you were the dead president mask sort of thing they see that and they're like oh they're wearing disguises it's just like the movies this is them oh of course the pirate pirates no one would wear pirate costumes is that a pirate flag on their car my god the guy whose car was really loved pirates he had a jolly roger like a big bumper sticker on the back of his car hell yeah it's not a car anymore in my mind it's a boat you guys are driving a boat there's a huge fucking ship sailing down we're all gonna get scurvy we

need lemons it's one of those things where you hit the roof of the gas station with your mast and it just all topples down right on the gas station oh man that was a fan how have i not heard that story three points for that story that was quite a story minus one for not wearing a pirate costume yourself no you don't get to say that you don't get to do that you watch yourself you watch yourself i almost deducted a point from you there all right wait i'm gonna give you one last chance you said you had another story right you were saving worst for last rebuttal sir yeah i didn't so this one's kind of like but uh there was a time where you know we were in our adolescent years like you know you searched porn for the first time we all had that moment where we searched our very first time and uh our computer was in the kitchen of the house and i remember people talked about like playboy magazines and

all this and that and i curiosity got the best of me so i just typed in playboy.com uh on the browser after the internet booted up you know of course i had like half an hour before anyone would be home like i just want to see what all the fuss is about i gotta see and i remember like the page loaded and like just naked women all over the place and i remember freaking the fuck out and i didn't know anything about deleting search history or anything else so i remember later that day uh my mom was like you didn't look up porn or anything earlier did you i was like no but my older brother did i saw him looking at him and i was the good kid so of course immediately my mom so that no he did it wow and i remember saying it was such conviction i have no idea if she actually believed me but like she played it off like she did so to this day i've never found out

if my mom knew it was me. If I got, because I've never been a great liar. So I don't know if she knew it was me or if she just immediately believed me because it was 100% something he would do. Well, she knows now. Yeah, yeah, it's out there. Is that the full story? Yeah, it's good enough.

All right, I'll give you a point for that story. And with that, that's just enough. We bring our contest here to a close we've all admitted some things that we are ashamed of and our parents are even more ashamed of us i'm tabulating the points here doodly doodly doodly doodly doodly doodly doodly doodly doodly doodly uh-oh guys oh we have a tie i've actually never encountered this time before wait can you confirm that this is a tie yes it is in fact a tie it is in fact a tie. It is in fact a tie. All right. So we need a tie breaker. We can do it one of the two ways. We could leave it to random chance. We could flip a coin. That'd be boring, but at least it would be impartial. Or

if you guys have any further confessions, not anything that your parents might know, but something that you want to air out that you've been holding tight to your chest is super embarrassing. Oh man. You guys want to get out there for one bonus point the first to do it will get the point can i use something i've already talked about it has to be new has to be something no one knows something you're so you've never told a soul maybe uh and if you guys don't want to do that we can toss a coin that'll be that'll be my i know i want to do it i just gotta think of something i gotta think of it before i have one i have one i was not a kid while i was in college but i wasn't living at home my parents would definitely not have been mad but would have been disappointed

okay but i'll give wade a moment all right if you both have one i'll pick the more embarrassing one i'm trying man uh come on come on me I was a terrible kid secretly. I've got to remember all the bad things I did. There's something. I did something else. Uh, uh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Stop.

Hold on. It's there. I know it's there. I'll find it. Just give me more time. All right, well, Bob will tell his. It's fine. And then I will give you a chance.

And if it's more embarrassing, Bob, is that fair? If his is more embarrassing, I'll give him the point. Sure, sure. All right, everyone's okay with the rules? Okay. Yes. All right. We're all good. Bob, is that fair? If his is more embarrassing, I'll give him the point. Sure, sure. All right. Everyone's okay with the rules. Okay. Yes. All right.

We're all good. Bob. Okay. One night, it's college. I'm of drinking age at this point. I did drink before I was 21 in college. We've already discussed situations like that, but I'm of drinking age. And one night, I don't know what the hell happened.

I'm hanging out with a friend that I drank with quite a bit we would do all kinds of shenanigans together and um so i don't know if it's his idea or my idea at some point we got hung up on this idea of like what if we just drank until it's tomorrow like like we've never done that just like is that possible just like party all night and like it got to the point where, you know, it was the weekend. This was a weekend. It was like Saturday night. And we were like, okay, well, it's already 10 o'clock, 11 o'clock. It's already like nighttime.

We're starting. But like what if we just try and go until like the sun comes up? Uh-huh. Interesting. Interesting idea. Okay. And we have a big handle bottle of Southern Comfort. We have a bunch of other assorted liquors, but I was a whiskey drinker.

And so I was really into the Southern Comfort. We just committed to this. We got to the point where like at like 1 a.m. We're calling a buddy who's graduated, who lives like half an hour away and has a job and is an adult. We're calling him like, hey, bro, bro, you got to come hang out. We're drinking until tomorrow. And he was like, it is tomorrow, motherfucker.

It's the middle of the night. What are you talking about? Like, no, no, no. no no you gotta come down i don't know why he did this but eventually he came down he had like two in the morning came over and was like all right we're doing it we're playing beer pong and kings and whatever and drinking all night eventually it went from like we're doing this we're doing we're gonna drink tomorrow guys so like i have this is one of the few nights in my life where i drank and I don't remember what happened very much, but I have images of me sitting cross-legged in a corner of like the living room with the giant bottle of Southern Comfort in my lap, just drinking straight out of the bottle like a, like a weirdo.

And I have another flash of me on the, there's like an outside deck with the guy who came to hang out with us and he's like exhausted and he with the guy who came to hang out with us. And he's like exhausted and he's just normal. And I'm like embarrassing drunk. And I'm like, dude, you gotta appreciate this. I've never had this drunk before. And you, you gotta appreciate this. Apparently the theme of the night was,

I reached a point where I was just yelling constantly like, you guys gotta appreciate this. This is an experience. guys gotta appreciate this this is an experience you would appreciate this all night we're drinking all night and i don't know how it ended those are the only like images i have i woke up it's the only time i've ever done this i woke up face down on the floor of the kitchen like i woke up crusted in spilled drinks and whatever. Like it's a college boys apartment kitchen floor. Gross down there. Yeah. And I woke up face down on it. Still drunk.

But I woke up because my phone alarm started going off at like eight or nine because I had to go because the fraternity that I was in, which is like a professional fraternity, actually social, I guess. I don't know. It's a music fraternity that I was supposed to be elected as an officer that day because i was one of the older guys and i was i had volunteered myself yeah well i was i was to be elected the fraternity education officer who's basically the one the responsible adult who's in charge of like helping recruit new members and teaching them convincing them why they want to join and what's cool about what we do and uh so i showed up to that meeting in those same clothes i must have

looked like a fucking nightmare still drunk i showed up because i was based when i woke up i was like i gotta leave now or i'm not gonna make it and i walked over there and showed up and again won the election because i was running unopposed. But like, I don't know what those dudes saw because I don't really remember it that well. But I got elected. That's the only time I've ever, like, and I drank a good amount in college. I had a good time drinking, but I also had like a pretty decent tolerance. I'm a bigger dude, which helps. But I never would like wake up in weird places or like generally I remembered what happened.

I would not black out but that night i have no idea why we were obsessed with the idea of drinking until the next day and it shit just got unhinged all right that was pretty good that's part and if my parents i don't think my parents know about that if they heard that story if they listen to this you know they're like pursing their lips shaking their head just oh they're so disappointed i can very disappointed in that one all right wade that's gonna be tough to beat but you have a shot that's all right i got this you do all right i believe the title insert good title here and the story here we go insert story better than bob's you have nothing to be embarrassed about i got nothing man i got nothing i I guess Wade is just really perfect.

I really am. It sucks. Oh, well, I guess, oh, you win the not disappointing your parents prize, but you don't win this podcast, I'm afraid. Please. No, hold on. I'll be bad. I'll be bad for you.

Don't. Please stop. Oh, my God. You're embarrassing your parents right now but the scoring is now over i do declare that wade is the loser okay you didn't have to go that route and that bob is the winner and best the most shameful among us oh well long scream his name all right great so which podcast episode are we rehashing next week sorry bob that was mean wow okay i'm deducting five points from your next performance oh you'll forget by then an advantage

no bob you like will you deduct five points during your judgeship no yeah i'll agree with you i'll pre-deduct five points from wade for the next episode that I get to host because I won. For bad sportsmanship. This is collusion, collaboration. Yeah, you were... Collision. You were... Cauliflower.

We're not mad, Wade. No, we're not mad. Don't, don't, please, no. Don't do it. But we are disappointed. Oh. Anyway, Bob, would you like a victor speech? Uh, well, I thought the episode where I did an entire episode,

and neither of you stopped me, by the way, rehashing a topic that we'd already done would be the most embarrassing moment that I had on this podcast. But I guess we're really trying to escalate everything. So I have mixed feelings about the waking up on the kitchen floor story. I think it's funny, but it's definitely embarrassing. So it's worth a win, I guess. I'll take that. Well done. To be fair, I didn't stop you because i didn't know we talked about it before i

never know what the hell's going on around here i i stopped you yeah well do you stop me after like 40 minutes yeah definitely but i that that is the one thing i think that struck me in the in the recording i was really just like defeated and sad but like the next day i woke up and i was like we all participated none of us realized what we had done yeah you're right i mean i i led us yeah down that path but you couldn't stop at any you stopped me just 10 minutes before that sorry from doing an episode we had already done sorry that my encyclopedic knowledge of what we've done wasn't uh quick enough but anyway that's all the time anyway dogs and cat are doing great. Thanks for asking.

Everyone's great. Oh, cool. Good. That's good. That's good to hear. Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You listening keeps us alive. It's the only thing.

It sustains us. For every listen that we get on this podcast, on the various podcast platforms, or wherever you're listening to this, just know you're adding another second to our lifespan. Thank you. And if you don't, we're not mad. We're just disappointed in dying. Yep. So be. And if you don't, we're not mad. We're just disappointed in dying.

Yep. So be sure to listen again next Monday when we have another episode. If you want to see animations, they will be on the YouTube channel in the future. We have more in the works currently. Thank you, Bob. You can find Bob streaming on Facebook, MySkirm. You can find Wade streams on Twitch, Minion777,

and LordMinion777 on YouTube. My name is Mark Blair. Thank you. And podcast out. Why did I have to be such a good kid? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boo!