Distractible - Distractible Escape Room

Episode Date: September 11, 2023

Do Mark and Wade have the knowledge and friendship to escape Bob's magical, whimsical, and sometimes sexual universe of puzzles? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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FedEx. What? FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx, where now meets next. This episode is brought to you by Secret.

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All right, good. Just checking, just checking. Okay, cool. I don't want any of that to happen. Before we get any further into this, can I just say, um, I have bad news. Huh? Why? Can you see how wet my pants are, Mark? Can you see how wet they are? Oh, you know what's an even better illustration than my pants being wet?

Oh, no. Look at the chair. The wetness on the edge of the chair. It's wet. I could not live with another episode of this. I couldn't do it. It's already cold.

I enforce the piss pants rule. Do you need a moment to clean up? No, I'm not cleaning anything. My punishment is that I will continue to sit here and do whatever needs to be done to move on. Is it on your floor? Like, do you need to wipe up your chair?

It's on the chair, but it's not on the floor. You know, maybe a little pet cleaner might be a good idea. I don't know. It wouldn't hurt to do just a little bit. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable. This week, it's an extra long episode, as the main man, modest, magnanimous Mark, meticulously and mirthfully maintains his mastery.

Bonus buddy, Birb, bravely blabberblasts his britches, but then begins an RPG. Reddit's favorite son, Friend One, also attends for both events. From an early bodacious coup de grace to the shaft of senses. Yes, it's time for Distractible Escape Room. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome to my episode of Distractible. I am

the previous winner because I earned it, but the reason that I am the host is because I'm, I I enforced a rule that we had, and we need to discuss the fate of the rule. Okay, so I'm joined by Mark and Wade. Say hi, boys. Hi, boys. I knew that. I shouldn't have.

Okay, yeah, at the beginning of what was going to be this was going to be mark's episode because he made himself the winner again so let me throw this out there this was going to be your episode but mark enforced a handshake deal to get this episode well yeah well he he made all of this happen i yeah i wonder about the legality of like can can piss countermand a handshake that's what i need to know a handshake is as powerful as a handshake maybe i just win no you don't win i win i am the host my only question about the rules is so mark burned his handshake so he didn't get the win for that but he did but he lost it did you burn your piss? I peed my pants and I showed you.

Does that mean that the piss pants thing is over? Because we did say part of the rule was subsequent pants pissers. Like my pants are still wet. If they would piece their pants following me being my pants, they don't get anything. No. Yeah. It was the rule was you had to piss your pants before the episode started. Or at the end of an episode before a winner was declared.

Yeah. You could steal the win at the end also, I think. But yeah, episode started or at the end of an episode before a winner was declared yeah you could steal the win at the end also i think but yeah it's it's literally at the end we modified the rule it was originally before the winner was declared it had to be pissed but they were like any time after that or at the beginning of the next one because it's like if you it's like then it's up to the the host to end the episode quickly and then start it quickly and here i come walking in la-di-da so are we as can you still piss to win or is piss done so this is it's done for now but it resets like tomorrow unless you want to do away with it were you saying you want to do away with it you know it's a rule that could always just float out there just in case someone really wants to win i feel like it's i feel like it's enshrined in our, in our constitution at this point. I feel like that's just the law of the land.

Our constitution is the guy walking in with the pizza and the whole place is burning. Who knows what is in here? The important thing is I'm the host. And we could have small talk. We could have small talk if I allowed there to be small talk. But I think instead I want to get right to

it and i want to throw this out there will this is going to be a very thematic episode feel free to come in with uh music and sounds and all kinds of stuff uh i think you're going to have fun with this one are we yeah we gather round seekers for a riddles embrace where wits and teamwork will set the pace locked within, secrets to discover. Let the countdown begin. Let minds recover. This clock ticks loudly. The tension grows.

A tapestry of clues, a story that unfolds. Mysteries to unravel. Each step is a clue. Unlock the door and find the breakthrough. In dimly lit corners, darkness conceals, unlocking the answers as excitement reveals a key, a cipher, a hidden message unsought. Each discovery, a step toward the freedom sought.

What, now? Is this 60 minutes of riddles and rhymes? Mark and Wade find themselves in a large, mysterious space. Oh no. A light mist surrounds you and covers the floor. Oh no.

A voice from the distance that you don't recognize says very gently but ominously, Welcome to the Shaft of Senses. What? Okay, hold on. I'm liking this again. As your but ominously, welcome to the shaft of senses. Oh, okay. Hold on.

I'm liking this again. As your bewilderment clears, Mark and Wade notice in front of them a door, a giant door with a combination lock on the face of it. Six wheels with the numbers zero through nine on them. Six numbers. Some sort of combination, it seems. Oh, no. Do I need to take notes for this? God, there goes my scoreboard. Okay, six wheels, each with one number or each with all numbers?

Each wheel has the numbers zero through nine on them and can be turned to set which number is facing forward. So there's six numbers between zero through nine for each one. Okay, got it. Mark and Wade stare at the door for a long moment. A heavy sigh comes from Wade. And then Mark notices something to their left on the wall. He sees a three-drawered dresser. And on top, there are some obvious cutouts that look like they're supposed to be holding things. Maybe it's figurines or some kind of piece of, I don't know. Something goes in there. And on the front of each

of the three drawers, there's a question. Which drawer would you like to begin with? Oh, do I have to begin with the drawers? Can you tell me about the drawers? You're both going to hear everything I say. There's no secret side stuff. And you don't notice anything else in the room around you except for this dresser. Okay. Just the dresser with the questions on it and the figurines. With three drawers, a question on each. How many cutouts are above it?

Is it three? Three holes on the top of the dresser. Okay. How big? Kind of oddly shaped, oddly sized. Not too big, not too small. Like cylindrical? Each of them is different. Similar, but different. It's too small. The hole is

or his dick? His dick. It's too small. No! Knew it. Which drawer would you like to start with? Let's go top. Top two. Am I choosing? I don don't know you could work together i guess you could not work together if you want that's just gonna make everything he said top

we'll work our way top to bottom it's fine i'll work no we'll go top bottom middle on the face of the top drawer all it says is what is the most popular and best smell in the world? Vanilla's got to be up there. And when you open the drawer, you see some vials with some labels inside. Oh, it opens. Okay. Yeah, okay.

I thought we'd answer the question to open it. No, the drawer opens freely once you read the question. Sure, okay. What are the vials? Yeah, what are the vials? Oh, I can't read. Only you can read them. Okay.

We read them. I we read them i'm an incorporeal ghost i'm not here i'm just talking at you from the sky above this okay okay i pick up a vial and i go to read it okay do i see letters fine you know what i'll do it for you it says fart on it is fart the most popular and best smell in the world? Can I uncap it to smell? Sure. I uncap it. I hold it in front of Mark's nose.

No. Oh, five hit points of damage to Mark. What? Okay, I cap it. How did he not get any of that? He must have gotten like some splash. He held it up to your nose directly. It was right.

You sucked it all in i i i didn't say i breathed i pocket that vial so mark can't use it is there another vial with more devastating smells uh there's one that just says goat with a question mark i smell that for myself it smells kind of like a petting zoo not bad not bad all right put that back no hit points of damage okay i grab another vial with the strangest colored one left. Well, make some guesses. Okay. I'm not going to do all the reading here.

What do you think the most popular and best smell in the world is? What does your vial say? I've got it. I've got it. Yeah. Lavender. Oh, that's a good one. Or vanilla.

Vanilla's dumb. He's an idiot. That's not very good teamwork, Mark. I've got to be honest. He just farted in my nose. I hate this guy. He's an idiot. That's not very good teamwork, Mark. I've got to be honest. He just farted in my nose. I hate this guy. He didn't fart. He just was experimenting. He saw a fart on it and shoved it up to my nose. You think that I'm being uncooperative?

Yeah, but it could have been misleading. What if it was mislabeled? What if that was actually a really good smell they were tricking us? What if it was trough? Yeah, you knew it was fart. You're not dumb. All right, Mark holds a vial labeled lavender and wade holds a vial labeled vanilla do you want to check and see if they are the smells they say they are or do you want to just stick them in and see what happens yeah i want to smell them both no i'm not he's not gonna smell mine i really want to smell his can i use sleight of hand to take his vial to smell it i'm gonna need a roll for initiative no you fail okay i'll just smell mine and then look longingly at his wade smells his vial to smell it. I'm going to need a roll for initiative. No, you fail. Okay. I'll just smell

mine and then look longingly at his. Wade smells his vial. It smells like vanilla. It's pretty good. It's delicious. Smells like cookies. I want to see if it fits in one of the slots while Mark smells his. You want to let Wade just stick his vial in the thing on top of the dresser? You know what? I throw my vial on the ground and break it. Oh, the smell of lavender fills the air. You like that? You like that? You like that? You like that? Shove your vial in there. Shove your vial in there. Just shove it in. I try to shove it in. Well, I want to see if it fits. Wade tries to shove his vial into the first slot on the dresser. Doesn't quite fit, but he wiggles it around and it makes a satisfying thunk as it

slides into place. The first drawer snaps shut and the question disappears from the front of it. I knew it. I knew he had that. Yeah, so now we got lavender everywhere so you're welcome. I rip the bottom drawer open in a fervor. I hope everything slides out everywhere and spills out. The bottom drawer shrieks in fear and terror.

It doesn't like that. How would you feel if I ripped you open from a dead sleep, you dick? Well, I did it to you anyway, so shut up. Your rudeness makes the drawer want to stop talking forever. He ignores your existence, but he remains open. On the face of the drawer appears the question, how much better is a dog's sense of smell than a human's?

Inside, you see a bunch of pieces of paper with different numbers on it. Five, ten, a thousand,, 10,000, 100,000. How many times better is a dog's sense of smell than a human's? So is this piece of paper going in the wall? You mean on top of the dresser in one of the holes? Yeah, in the holes. Maybe, probably. I pick up 10,000 and I just shove it in

and I give Wade a mean look. I hope it does HP damage. I grab the 1,000 and I just shove it in and I give Wade a mean look. I hope it does HP damage. I grab the 1,000 and I just wait for Mark's to fail. Mark shoves a piece of paper that's of 10,000 into one of the holes. It really doesn't fit because it's a piece of paper and it's a big hole, but the hole out of nowhere opens up and just vacuums the paper in and a soft moan emanates from it afterwards. What?

The bottom drawer snaps shut and the question disappears I would give Wade a look that says I'm smarter than you and makes him feel bad about himself as he's taunting me I want to pull out the fart bottle uncork it and hold it up to his nose again Wade takes two points of ego damage

from your snarky look wade takes five more hit points of damage from the fart bottle oh i haven't gotten used to it at all no it's it's different every time you open it it's a magic bottle of farts okay well there you go now there's only one drawer that you haven't looked at would you like to look at the middle drawer boys i look at wade and i go i look at the drawer to read the question. On the front of the drawer appears the question, what animal in the world has the best sense of smell? I open the drawer.

Inside the drawer, you see a bunch of little figurines of animals. Okay, I thought it was gonna be real animals. I was about to say, I back away slowly from the drawer. A crocodile, a shark, a zebra, a zebra a cheetah an elephant a dog okay every animal you can imagine this there's a there's one in there they're in there it probably wait okay all right serious discussion it probably isn't dog because the bottom drawer was dog related and i i doubt they would do that twice okay so what has a better sense of smell than a dog some kind of like jungle cat no i like he said, so what has a better sense of smell than a dog? Some kind of, like, jungle cat? No.

Like, he said shark. A shark has a good sense. It can smell blood pretty far away. Oh, God. Oh, frick. The ticking noise stops. No consequences happen. Don't worry.

That just happens randomly? Okay, good. Does the shape on top of the dresser look like it could hold a shark? The shape on top of the dresser is pentagonal and all of the figurines seem to have a pentagonal base. Any of them might fit. Would you want to hold this together like one

at a time, one on each side and place it together? Power of friendship? No, but I'll do it for the sake of we need to solve this and I don't want to die. Okay, I just want one hand on the figurine and not on the fart bottle is really what I'm looking for. Oh, okay, gotcha, yeah. So you both grab something. What do you grab? What are you grabbing? We're both no, we're both handing the shark where I think the shark is so you pit you together

You pick the shark up out of the drawers that what's happening? Yes Yeah When you both touch the shark suddenly it comes to life somehow suspended above its pedestal and it's it seems to be contained But it starts violently snapping and thrashing. Gung! Gung! Gung! Gung!

Gung! Gung! Gung! Gung! Gung! Gung! Gung! Gung!

Good reason we were both holding this. Jesus! It can't quite reach your hands as long as you're holding it by just the base. All right, we're... We got the triangle of fairness around the base. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha The triangle of fairness. Good. Good move. Good move.

Can we lift it up without it hitting us? You better be careful. All right. We can do this. We can do this. We carefully lift it up together. That's how sharks sound out of the water. A little known fact. I feel like we're taking way too much time.

I kind of urge us to go forward. Yeah, we got to rip this shark out and throw it on the floor. On the floor? In the what? In the drawer, I said. What? In the hole hole so you dropped the shark back in the drawer no we put in the hole it didn't work right we didn't try it no you didn't put it in the hole at all oh we put it in the hole oh okay you set it in the hole it settles in nothing happens oh frick all right give it the fart uncorks the fart and I hold it up.

Not too close to the shark's mouth, but close enough where it's getting a whiff. Even though sharks have a surprisingly bad sense of smell, considering that they live underwater. Well, okay. If you're talking. Okay. All right. The shark takes five hit points of damage from this fart jar and dies. Killed the shark.

Okay. Okay. We throw that thing. Okay. You discard the shark. What next? What do you grab next? Can I pocket the shark? Sure. Yeah. You can have the shark corpse. That throw that thing okay you discard the shark what next what do you grab next can i pocket the shark sure yeah you can have the shark corpse that's added to your inventory so there's all kinds of stuff cheetahs elephants lions other whatever i'm thinking a cat

but if it's not a cat then maybe it's a something not a predator but a prey animal to smell a predator oh god um i mean maybe it's not a trick and it was dog again maybe that's a trick or maybe it's like a wolf they do have good smellers look i don't want to give it away too much but do you want a hint or something we look in the drawer for anything that's not a statue that might be a hint wait i'm gonna put wait if the if we bring a dog out can i will it come to life yeah can i pick up the dog i grab like a cheetah just in case mark picks up the dog oh is it mad at me is it mad at me i was mad at me i don't know do you pet it or something what do you do i try pet it all

right the dog hesitantly lets you pet it when you do it relaxes and you become best friends forever oh my god i put it in the hole the dog happily sits in the hole nothing happens oh it's sweet i put the dog in my pocket i give it some of the shark the dog is upset but it's sweet. I put the dog in my pocket. I give it some of the shark. The dog is upset, but it's in your pocket. The dog is added to your inventory. Continue. Did it eat the shark corpse? Yeah, the shark's in there. It can eat on that. Is it in the same pocket? Hell yeah. All right. The shark corpse makes the dog stronger. Let me just say this. Think about the size of the smeller. Perhaps a larger one would do better. I would think that an elephant...

You think an elephant? He mentioned an elephant by name. He didn't mention an elephant. I wouldn't... I would think that because they're so utilitarian, I thought that it might not have that good of a nose, but... I wouldn't think they have that good of a nose. You have a big nose.

I mean, they've got a good nose, but, like, smell? Like, what does an elephant need to smell? All right. Oh, I'm not... I'm gonna step back. Wade, you try the elephant. I'm stepping way back. I'm going to fake confidence and pick up the elephant and hope that it doesn't

all of a sudden weigh as much as an elephant the elephant comes to life it just sort of stands there and looks at you pretty docile actually okay i will try to set the elephant in the hole the elephant's base slides into the hole with a satisfying clunk. As it does, the elephant goes from fully alive to made of stone. Did you just murder the elephant? Who knows? The middle drawer slams shut and the question is erased from the front of it.

As you both stand there, an enormous sword swings down from the ceiling. Swing! It goes right between your faces, inches from certain death for both of you. It goes back and forth, and you stand there stunned in silence. Swing, swing, swing, swing, swing, swing, swing.

As the sword settles, you both look at it from opposite sides, and on each side of the flat part of the blade, you see the number six. I got six! Good job, buddy. That is a six. For the thing. The wheels. Uh-huh. Maybe.

Yeah, but which one of it... Which one is it? Top one six. Aren't they left to right? Yeah, it's horizontal. It's left to right. Oh, left one six. Okay, you set the left wheel to six. Yeah. You hear a distant groaning like some sort of crazy creature starts stirring in the distance.

Oh my god, it's Groot Herald. In the reflection of the sword, Mark happened to notice that in the center of the room, there suddenly seems to be a large round oak table. How did you not see that? It was right behind me the whole time, Wade. Yeah, unbelievable. I was making sure I still had the fart pocketed.

Wade still has the fart in his pocket. On a very ornate red tablecloth, there are two goblets of wine. The closest goblet to both of you is gold with emeralds and sapphires and all manner of fancy gems and valuable looking stones set into it. Just the most elaborate goblet you could imagine. Bam. Fit for a king. Fit for the king of kings. Further away from you, on the other side of the table, sits a goblet carved apparently from bone or maybe wood or something. It looks dull, uninteresting. It's kind of cracked. Maybe some kind of peasant goblet or I don't know.

Not a very nice one. Looks kind of crappy. Looks like if you peasant goblet or I don't know. So not a very nice one. Looks kind of crappy. Looks like if you licked it, it wouldn't taste good. And on the table is a scroll, which floats up into the air in front of you. And of an echoey voice reads the words that are scrawled across it aloud. Make, Will, make this echoey.

The wine must all be drunk, but both competitors must survive if you hope to escape. The scroll rolls itself up and falls back to the table in a clunk and a clatter. Okay. So I've seen Indiana Jones, and I know, Mark, you should take the first sip with the elaborate goblet. I'll take the first sip with the plain one, but then we'll have to switch back and forth.

Got a better idea. Pull the dog out of my pocket okay i i make the drink the elaborate goblet okay it sniffs at the wine looks up at you very sad and refuses to drink dogs don't like wine mark you're right you're right they don't well okay wait no matter what i can't drink it'll kill me one sip so no matter what i can't drink anything you know that sounds my problem, but it's really an us problem. And it's a chance I'm willing to take. I will take the intricate goblet and I'll drink from it first. The ticking sound summons the scroll back to life.

It hovers above the table, unrolls, and more words are scrawled across it. One of these cups contains enough poison to kill one of you, and the other does not contain any poison at all. But all wine must be drunk if you hope to escape. Oh, well, this is easy. Okay, we'll just use the unelaborate one. Just go back and forth. This is easy, Wade.

You took a sip already, how you feel, but, I mean, it's probably fine. Well, I was getting ready to, but then the scroll popped up. Yeah, he didn't actually sip. He got i'm gonna take the plain looking goblet scoop some wine and drink it wait scoop what scoop they both are full of wine they're both full of wine dumb can you not read the scroll i thought we were dipping in and drinking i thought it was like a bowl of wine we'd like dip our cup in where did that come in indiana jones that wasn't in indiana jones either was it oh maybe it was harry potter no yeah it's he's thinking of harry potter when he has to drink the

the water out of the basin with yeah that's what i'm thinking of kill me kill me yeah that was it as you both horrendously misquote and misremember movies, you notice laying on the floor next to the table is a large wooden pitcher, almost like it had been knocked off accidentally. Oh, well, let's ignore that. I don't know what that's about. Yeah, what the hell is that pitcher for? That couldn't be important. I wouldn't mention that if it was important.

Yeah, let's not talk about that one. Okay. Wait, the obvious answer is we both drink half of each and then we're good. All right. All right. Is that what we're doing? I drink half of the ornate one, half of about that one. Okay. Wade, the obvious answer is we both drink half of each and then we're good. All right. All right. Is that what we're doing? I drink half of the ornate one, half of the plain one. Wade drinks half of it.

Well, I wait until I see what happens to him, then I'll drink. As Wade waits and watches, Mark starts to feel terribly ill. He turns kind of a grayish color. He feels like he might throw up and his stomach is burning like he swallowed a hot coal. Kill me! Okay, I grab the pitcher and i pour some on him what why there's nothing in the pitcher it's laying on the ground on its side also mark mark ultimately turns out to be fine he doesn't feel very good but the pain passes the sickness

subsides and in about five minutes he's fine i drink the rest of the wine same thing happens to you but you're bigger so less all right okay The scroll comes to life and once more flies up again above the table and screams at you. You were supposed to dump it all in the pitcher and mix it together and then just each drink half of that, you dummies. It was the same thing. You solved my riddle, but you did it wrong and I don't like it. It was the same thing. I want to hold up the fart smell to the scroll of paper.

Yeah. The scroll, despite not having a sense of smell, gets a whiff of the heavy fart vial, takes five HP of damage, and as the apparent enchantment is wearing off and the scroll is feigning death, you see a number revealed at the center of the scroll.

And as he dies, he cries out THREE! Serves you right, asshole. And I'm gonna put three in the second number. You murdered the magical scroll. I take the pitcher and I put it in my pocket. I take the ornate one and I put it in my pocket too. You have an ornate goblin and a pitcher in your inventory.

Alright, cool. Here, wait. I got you a cup. I take the ornate one and I put it in my pocket too. You have an ornate goblin and a pitcher in your inventory. All right, cool. Here, wait, I got you a cup. I take the shitty one. Thanks, man. But it looks like the dog licked the remnants of the poison out. No, it didn't. No, the dog didn't drink the wine. It doesn't like it.

Oh, okay. Thanks for yes-anding me. No, it didn't. Shut up. I already established that the dog didn't like the wine. There was no wine left. It was just cup. Dogs lick cup.

It's remnants of wine. That's what's remnants of in there. Yeah. And saliva, which dogs lick. Yeah, okay. All right, I'm gonna put three in. The second slot from the left. The distant moaning you heard after the first number entry grows a little bit louder and

a little bit more sexual. We are foreplaying somebody right now. Well, I don't know if that's sexual. I'm going to take that as pained. Wade dances around in victory at the moans coming from behind the enormous door. And as he's dancing around like an absolute fool, he spins and notices on a far wall in the distance

a faint glint of something apparently hung up on the wall. Do you want to explore the glint in the distance? Mark, there's something on that wall over there. You see that? You should go look at it. All right. Mark walks across the room, the mist parting in front of you.

A distant sound startles you as you walk across the room. You get closer and you see that it's actually a mirror hung on the wall. Harmless. Just a mirror. Okay. What do you do, Wade? Do you want to go see it? Yeah, I'm gonna go look in the wall. Harmless. Just a mirror. What do you do, Wade? Do you want to go see it? Yeah, I'm going to go look in the mirror. Alright, as Wade walks up to the mirror, a face,

a ghostly face appears in the mirror and looks you both up and down and then says out loud in a ghastly voice, Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the softest one of all? Well, actually, that's confusing because i'm the mirror but i'm

asking you i want you to tell me who's the softest one here softest based on the moans i think i'm harder than mark is right now so probably mark is softer well do you have no objective basis on which to base that assumption maybe there was the sexual moan that just happened well you said wade got excited yeah i heard i soft is really a a touch based thing though not an auditory thing i will push into mark's arm and then push my own to see which of us is softer by flex subtly i kind of like flex a little you know the mirror kind of chuckles and looks disappointed. No, no, not your arms. Penis? I hold the fart bottle up to the mirror. The mirror is made of glass.

It's immune to smells. The mirror looks at you. Come on. What are you? Come on. Touch each other. What? What?

Sorry, Mark. I go for Mark's dick. No, no. No, not like that. I go for Mark's foot. No, no. No, not like that. I go for Mark's foot. No. Stinky. Ew.

Well, I thought you couldn't smell. What's up with that? I know what smell is. Feet are stinky. Well, imagine. Hold up the fart ball. Tell him to imagine it. Yeah, imagine this.

I will bend over and hold it near my anus so he knows where it comes from. Oh, no. Wait, stop. You'll never get the number if you kill me now. Oh, really? What if we don't want it? The mirror imagines the smell, but his imagination is not so great. He has aphantasia. So he only takes two hit points of damage from the imaginary fart smell. He's still alive. All right. I grab the mirror and I start to like unbutton my pants and I threaten to aim the mirror at whatever I'm unbuttoning if it doesn't tell us the number. That will never work. I could just disappear.

I don't have to be here. I've got it. I go around the back of the mirror. I look in the back. There's nothing on the back of the mirror. Mirrors are only reflective on one side. Ah, shit. Wait, I thought that was it.

I really thought that was it. What do you want to know? What's softness? Who's softer? Tell me. Heart? Sorry, heart? Belly?

No. Head? Lower. Neck? Up. Mouth? Broader. tell me heart heart sorry heart belly no our head lower neck up mouth broader smile mouth shoulders cheek to be cheek yes oh yes yeah like that oh i like that you're gonna have to compare though oh he's got more beard you got more beard wade maybe that's it gray hairs are really scraggly though are they really that soft it's true i have relatively firm cheeks do you have squishy cheeks or your cheeks pretty firm oh i don't know they look soft but mark is softer cheeks really do you agree to that mark i don't Judging by the look of it, maybe. Yeah. Okay.

For some reason, that's all I wanted. Okay. A hand, a ghostly hand, swings doubt from behind the mirror and slaps Mark's supple cheek. Ow! Instead of a handprint, the number four appears as a bruise on Mark's face. Hey, Mark,

there's a four on your face. Really? I look in the mirror. As you're looking in the mirror, the face comes back out of nowhere and lines himself up with your face and goes, Boo! I'm just kidding. I'll leave. I'll leave. I'll go. I'm sorry. This episode is brought to you by

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Ooh, French lavender soy blend candle. I told you HomeSense has good gift options. Hmm, well, I don't know. Mom's going to love it. She'll take one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to San Tropez a few years ago. Forget it. She complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14. $14?

Now that's a vacation I can get behind. Deals so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense. You got the four. Oh, we got the four. Wait, wait, do you remember what the last number was? Three. Okay, okay. Are you sure? I think it was six, three, four. Alright, okay. Let's put those numbers

in so we don't forget. Well, we put in the first two already, but yeah, we can make sure. Did we? Did you put in the three? I didn't see that. that's when the thing appeared that's why he danced in for joy because he put the three in the carnal moans i forgot about that all right six three four we got them they're in uh the four as the four clicks into place on the door you hear in the distance what is clearly sound stolen from a markiplier video and it's just mark going you close you close yeah you close i don't know what that was wait i don't know that's weird i don't know but i think in the mirror i saw an image of you pointing at something you're looking really excited about it but i don't know

what you're talking about oh you're right mark is somehow inexplicably pointing at a ship in a bottle that's sitting on a table oh i'm not gonna say it next to what you see in the ship in a bottle that's sitting on a table. I'm not going to say it. Next to what you see in the ship in the bottle on the table is another bottle. You realize without any random character or plot device having to tell you that what you really ought to do is get the ship

into the other bottle. You got to ship in the other bottle. But will it be the same ship? Oh shit. Does our brain say the ship has to look like a ship in the other bottle. But will it be the same ship? Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Does our brain say the ship has to look like a ship? Or can it just be that ship in tiny little pieces? Yeah, could it be mashed into pieces?

I don't know, maybe. Are there any tools on the table with which to work with? There's a small cocktail umbrella on the table. And there's a couple shot glasses and some salt. And on the ground next to it, you see an empty bottle of tequila of tequila must have been a party okay so one of us needs to drink the ship digest it and shit it into the other bottle all right that's a terrible idea um i'm gonna not go with that is the mirror still there mirrors on the wall it's a little ways away but you can see it yeah i got this so i'm gonna just grab the bottle with the ship in it's a theological question

that's not the right word i hold it up to the mirror and I'm like, see, it's in it's in another bottle in the reflection. Nothing happens. Oh, fuck. I will hold up the first but the empty bottle and then hold up the ship with the bottle behind it. So in the reflection, the ship is in that bottle. That's not how mirror it would. Oh, I see. So he's so he's holding it up.

So when he when he looks at the reflection it looks like it's in the bottles in the other bottle with the ship in it because the empty bottles in front ship bottles behind so through the empty bottle yeah if i hold that in front of my eyes it does the same thing you don't need a mirror for that rumble starts in the distance and grows closer and closer then further and further and further. Nothing happens. I sniff the fart bottle myself out of disappointment and punishment for failure.

You take five HP of damage, but you liked it, so you gain one ego point back. Okay, can I use my ego point to solve this? No. We just got to put it in the other bottle, man. Okay, all right, do it. Let's do in the other bottle man that's okay all right do it let's do it you pour some tequila all right i dig a shot of tequila i'll take one for mark

wade takes two shots of tequila he feels a little buzzed okay cool all right i'm just going to uh can i stick my finger in the bottle on the table it's just big enough that you can get your finger into the bottle yeah okay you can just like just barely touch the tip of the little ship in there all All right. But I ain't getting it out that way. I can't fit two fingers in, right? No. Your finger plugs the opening of the bottle completely. It's a small bottle. Here's what we do. So what we're going to do is I'm going to take a shark tooth and I'm going to score the back of the bottle. Now the fat round opening around the edge, I'm going to score it like precisely around the bottle. And then I take it on the edge and I'm going to squirt like precisely around the bottle. And then I take it on the edge and I go,

and then I karate chop it off. So there's a clean break off the back end of it. Weirdly, you did have a shark tooth in your inventory. The scoring was successful, but you did not have a high enough strength score for the karate chop to be successful. The bottle does not break open. Your hand is sore.

Ow. I'm already drunk. And. Your hand is sore. Ow. I'm already drunk, and I think this would be really funny, so I take the bottle with the ship in it, and I smash it across my head to break it open. The moment the ship inside the bottle touches your skin and is exposed to your human fleshy body,

everything around you explodes and is engulfed in flames. You both die. Wade! As you float in limbo, your collective consciousness sees a window pop up in front of you that says, would you like to load your last save? Yes or no? Yes!

Mark clicks yes. A lot of rewinding noises. You're both standing in front of the table with the bottle on. The ship is in there and the bottle is sitting next to you. The other bottle that you need to get the ship into. I hadn't drank the tequila yet. I'm going to re-drink the tequila.

Wade takes two more shots of tequila. Somehow he was still drunk from before. So now he's starting to have trouble standing up. Okay. All right. Sorry, Wade. I thought that rewound that. I did too.

Nothing undoes the mistakes of alcohol, Mark. Okay. So I'm going to try the thing that we didn't try before. I'm going to shake it really hard with my thumb over the lip so it all breaks into pieces. And then I'm going to shrug my shoulders and go like, maybe I do pour it in. And then once it's all shattered to bits,

I pour it into the other bottle. As you start to shake the bottle, the little ship bounces around violently, but doesn't break. Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting. It refuses to break. No matter how violently you shake the bottle, the little ship bounces around violently, but doesn't break. Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting. It refuses to break. No matter how violently you shake the bottle, it's indestructible. What if we break the bottle we need to put it in and then put the pieces around the other bottle?

Well, that would be really difficult. I like what he was going with, though. Well, then it would be inside the other bottle. It has to still be a bottle, though. What are you going to do to break the other empty bottles? Smash it over your head, Wade. It's too heavy to pick up. What?

It's too heavy to pick up. I do what those ramming dinosaurs do, and I charge headfirst into the bottle. It's a loud dunk, and you take two HP of damage as you bash your head into the side of the... Damn, that was two. How powerful is that? The bottle doesn't even move. The fart is really strong is what I'm learning. Yeah, fart's really strong.

Um, I whip the dog out and I ask it what to do. The dog points back and forth, making a hilariously amused face like he knows the answer is clearly right in front of you. It's just like the dog's roaring. I take the tequila. I pour the tequila into the bottle with the ship. So the ship will float. And then I try to sail it out into the other bottle.

The bow of the ship wedges into the small opening of the bottle. And as it gets stuck, the tequila pours out of the neck of the bottle onto the floor and evaporates. No more tequila. Oh, goddammit. Can we reload? You only get to load your last save if you die, okay? All right, well, the answer's obvious, Wade. Are you not at all curious why you can't break or lift or move the other bottle?

I am, but this world is weird. I was just kind of like, you gotta go with the flow. Well, maybe you should ask some questions or something. I don't know. I'm curious why this buzz is already wearing off. Oh, we can ask the weird ghost. Hey, what do we do? Hey, why can't I lift this? It seems obvious

to me. How big is the bottle that we're trying to put the ship into? The bottle that you want to put the ship into is about the size of a minivan. The opening is several feet across. It's an enormous bottle. Oh. I open the fart smell and I toss it in there.

And then I tell Mark to go put the little bottle in there. The giant bottle, the bottom third of it is filled with a cloud of very toxic and damaging fart smell. I look at Wade and I hold his face like this, you know, and I go like, why do you hate me? Why do you want me to suffer? I will do this, obviously, because I want to move on. But you...

Because the tequila's gone. You did that. You realized... It's easy to point fingers now, but I'm rationalizing myself to be the good guy here. So just put the other bottle in there and we'll be done. If I go in there, I'm going to die. And then you reload and I dive headfirst into the bottle and I just swim around in the park.

Oh God. Mark slithers into the bottle and as he sinks into the bottom, you hear that Minecraft damage tick sound as he takes continual hit points of damage. While that's happening, I take the ship bottle and I smash it again. Everything is engulfed in flame and explodes around you. You're both in limbo again and somehow Mark smells like farts.

Oh, God. The dialogue pops up. Would you like to load your last save? Yeah. Yeah. You're standing in front of the table with the bottle with the ship in it sitting on the table. The other bottle is sitting next to you. Do I still smell like fart?

Mark smells like farts forever now. Oh, is there still tequila? Yeah, there's a little bit tequila left. Okay. I take the ship in the bottle and I put it in the big bottle while it's still in that little bottle. The bottle disappears from in front of you. In the place where the large

bottle was sitting on the ground, you've got the tequila. There's an enormous zero etched into the floor. I go over to Wade, I tap him on the shoulder and I point at the zero and I'm like, that's you. Wade takes six more points of ego damage. That was a good one. And then I go put the zero in the fourth wheel. As you click the zero into place you hear what can only be described as violent

monkey screeches coming from behind the door i'm not gonna do it just imagine violent monkey screeches got it got it wait are you sure we should actually open this door in worst case we die we really we should go look look around i around. I'm looking up. I look up! You look desperately in all directions, even up. You don't see anything. Nothing appears. Nothing is evident. You're standing in front of a big door in what appears to be an empty void filled with a slight mist on

the floor. I go to the door and I open it and I offer the monkeys tequila. The door doesn't open. It's still locked. Okay, Wade, think about it this way. Whenever I do a game like this, if there's two numbers left, we brute force it there's only so many combinations okay we have so far we have six three four zero correct no numbers have repeated yet so we haven't used one two five seven eight nine well there's no guarantee that numbers can't repeat. They could be repeats. True. If only there was some kind of clue that's audible the whole

time. Of course. Six? Was it six ticks? Seven! Seven! That's one of the unused numbers, I agree. Seven! Mark screams like a madman as he locks seven into the fifth

number spot. The door says, yes. Okay. And looks at you expectantly. You still stand there. Nothing else becomes evident, but the ticking sound seems to have stopped coming from the void. I go and stand over to Wade really close so he can smell how bad I smell with the farts. And I stand right on him.

So I'm like, I think this is where we brute force it. I put a one in and I say, this is for you, buddy. Wade takes one hit point of damage from Mark's fart stake. As Wade clicks the one into place. This is you, buddy. The door gives out the most sensual moan you've ever heard. And it swings open. I haven't heard a lot of sensual moans in my life i've not heard many sensual moans so that must be the best one door culture is very different so you wouldn't

understand so two doors that i see the door swings open and you see a long hallway in front of you after you all right after me i go in all right, do you follow him or what? Oh, yeah. We're in this together. All right. As Mark walks first down the hallway for some reason, it keeps going on and on. It seems like it's going in a straight line, but also you can't tell if it's turning subtly or not. Keep going and going. The mist is getting thicker.

I drink the rest of the tequila on this walk. Wade is pretty drunk right now, but he's still able to continue stumbling along behind Mark. Eventually, Mark emerges into a small clearing and you see a sign that reads, Random Forest. You see trees all around and there's an obvious path, the beginning of a path between two of the trees.

Before too long, you see a fork in the road. Hey, look, a fork. Does one of them look more tread upon than the other? The path to the left looks untouched, overgrown almost. The path to the right has wagon trenches dug deeply into it. It looks like it must be a trader's route or something that's regularly traveled by many people. Two paths diverge in the wood and I took the one less traveled by. Wait, no, no, wait.

That's not actually a path. That's just the woods. I go through the woods. The road just... All right, bye, Wade. Do you follow Wade or do you let him go? No, I go the wagon route and I run down and go, help! Help!

You both split up. Dude, I'm looking for the monkeys. Mark runs frantically and Wade searches for the sound. Sound? Wait, sound? The moaning and the monkeys and all the sounds you were hearing from the door. Wade's searching for the monkeys. Mark runs frantically and Wade searches for the sound. Sound? Wait, sound? The moaning and the monkeys and all the sounds you were hearing from the door. Wade's searching for the sound. Did we hear it that way? I'm searching. No, there hasn't been any sound since you've come through the door. Wade's just looking for the source of the sound. I'm just on a nice buzz

and I'm looking for some monkeys to party with. You split up and the party is separated. 36 minutes later, Wade is bumped into by a screaming madman. As you both reach at approximately the same moment, a clearing in front of an enormous tree. You realize that both of the paths led to the same place, and this was the place that you were meant to go the whole time. Who had the better trip here? Wade's walk was very casual.

Mark's would have been fine, and he would have met some fun travelers if he wasn't running and screaming like a psychopath. He scared them all away, Mark. It might have been the smell, too, but... Did I ever find the monkeys? Ah, no, you didn't find the monkeys. You just walked through the woods for a while,

and that was it. Okay. Well, I found Mark. Hi. I go up, and I give Wade a big hug. I go, oh, I missed you. Carved into the tree, you see several little cutout shelf things.

Sitting on one shelf is a coin. Sitting inside another larger shelf is a big wheel with your names written on it and alternating wedges. And sitting on a third shelf is a die. Just sitting there above all three of these shelves carved into the tree are the words, pick me. Mark, you want to roll a dice?

You want to spin a wheel? You want to flip a coin? Uh, oh no. Wait, wait, hold on. Wait, hold on. Wait, wait, this, I don't think this is what it seems. I don't think this is what it seems. I think luck of the dice.

I don't, I don't think this is what it seems. Wait, I don't. I grabbed the dice, Bob. I don't think this is what it seems. I don't think this is what it seems I grab the dice Bob I don't think this is what it seems I don't think this is what it seems and I go to roll it on the top shelf tears are streaming down my face tears are like I'm to wait

no this isn't what it seems it's okay Mark I'm gonna roll a nat 20 and we're gonna win this is not what it seems it's a six sided die I'm gonna roll a d6 and we're gonna win and a five comes up nothing happens wait This is not what it seems. It's a six-sided die. I'm going to roll a D6 and we're going to win. And a five comes up. Nothing happens.

Wade, it's not what it seems. I hand the dice to Mark. Wade is ignoring you completely, but you're having a complete breakdown. Yes. You can barely see. You could barely breathe through all the snot and everything. I grab his hand and I shake it so the dice pops out. Wade forces Mark to roll the die.

Jumanji rules, right? Mark rolls a six. Nothing happens. I put the dice back, thank it for its time, and I grab the wheel. I put the wheel on the shelf that says pick one. It's not a shelf. It's above the three shelves. It just says pick me.

I pick it. You're at the wheel. What do you do? Spin it. You spin the wheel and it takes a surprisingly long amount of time to spin. I definitely thought it would be shorter than that. The wheel lands on Mark. Okay, Mark, you've won two out of the three.

You've got this. What? Remember me. Do you start crying? If you come out on top, you want a handshake? At the end of your journey. A voice from the distance that somehow feels like it's coming from within your very soul

screams at both of you. No handshake deals! I grab the coin. I flip it toward Mark and as I do, I say heads out loud. Tears are just like two garden hoses out of my eyes. Mark catches the coin out of instinct and it comes up heads. Nothing happens.

I don't know if you remember my losing streak. It was just so weird that I kept getting the same result over and over. It's just so unlikely to get the same, you know, you always get heads. It's just so unlikely to get the same, you know, you always get heads. Mark, we are trapped here forever because we have a 0.000125% chance of ever replicating what Bob did. Oh, no. Well, you don't have to do exactly what I did, probably, but... Tears, like I said, out of my ears, out of my nose, out of my eyes, out of my mouth. Tears are coming out of Mark's everything.

What do you do with the coin, Mark? It's not what it seems. It's not what it seems. Oh, it seems right. I flip it. Mark with the coin, Mark? It's not what it seems. It's not what it seems. It's not what it seems. Wait, I flip it. Mark flips the coin. It comes up heads. The shelf where the coin was sitting slams shut and disappears as if

it never existed. It's not what it seems. Spin the wheel. Mark spins the wheel. Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. The wheel lands on Mark. The shelf where the wheel had been sitting slams out of existence as if it had never been there. And the wheel shrinks down almost as if it could fit in your pocket if you wanted to.

You want it? I pocket it. Okay. All right. The wheel is added to Wade's inventory. All that remains is a six-sided die sitting on a shelf. I roll the dice again. It comes up three.

I roll the dice again. It comes up three. I roll the dice again. It comes up three. I roll the dice again. Before you have a chance to roll the die for a third time, the final shelf on the tree disappears. Damn, wait, I'm good at this. All the tears really...

I don't know who won or lost the dice. Yeah, wait. Okay. I'm good at this. All of the shelves that were carved into the tree are gone without a trace and the words pick me that were carved into it also disappear it's just a big tree but you notice that at the base of it there's an opening in the tree that uh looks like maybe the shorter one of the two of you might be able to just squeeze through it. Oh, Wade. I try to climb in.

Wade doesn't fit? Oh, me then. I try to fit in. I try to fit, but I'm like, I make myself like longer, like, oh, I don't fit. Oh, no. Mark is clearly going to fit into the hole, but is clearly just It's so tight in here.

Oh, man. I lay down and i start pushing him in with my feet wade kicks mark right in the ass begrudgingly and it gets his will mark shimmies through the hole as mark appears on the other side a big lever is there that says pull me i pull it mark pulls the lever and a normal-sized door opens that anyone could walk through. I walk through it, but I go, Oh, man! They're making these doors small! Whoa! Weird! Hey! Oh! I walk

through the other way. So Mark walked out of the door and Wade walked into the door. So now Mark standing in front of the tree and Wade standing in the void in the door waiting for Mark. Oh. Oops. Sorry, I go back in, but I turned sideways and i stick my ass out i'm like oh shit god damn oh man mark it's just you and me and i'm watching the wrong end of this when mark finally manages to just barely fit through the normal human-sized door uh it slams shut behind you and like some sort of magical thing there's like a whoosh you know and a and all this

stuff and uh and you find yourself in a beautiful meadow surrounded by relaxing scenes you're just in the middle of a meadow just calm and beautiful a gentle voice calls out to you from the sky the all-powerful bob is listening ask me questions, and mayhaps I can help you advance. Do I win? No, not yet. How do we win? You must get to the end. All right.

What's next? What's next follows what's now. What's was precedes this place. Where is the end? The end is not what is important. It is the end? The end is not what is important. It is the journey that you take to get there. Oh boy, it's one of these guys. Also,

it's hard to describe, so I'm not gonna get into that with you. If Mark dies, do I win by default? If one of you dies, both of you shall remain here forever. See, Mark, I told you we all work together. Well, you shouldn't have farted me up so much. How much HP do I have?

Oh, a handful. Some. You have like 70. You still smell like farts, by the way. You're down like 20. Yeah, you had a lot to begin with. You guys are like max level characters, probably. Oh, hell yeah.

Okay. So no dying. So the end, it's about the journey. 6-3-4-0-7- journey. Um, I, I, I, 6, 3, 4, 0, 7, 1. I shout aloud, loud as I can. You already solved that one. This is the next puzzle. I pull the dog out.

I show it. I hold the dog up. I sacrifice this to you. Oh, great Lord above. The dog is sucked violently into the sky. It seems almost like it disintegrates as it flies away from you. Oh my God. At amazing speed. Thank you. That was delicious.

The voice calls out from the sky. I pull out the wheel and I spin it as I hold it up. The same thing happens. It disintegrates as it flies out of your hand up into the sky. The voice calls out. That seems stupid. I don't think we should do that anymore. Do you know any riddles or rhymes?

Oh boy. If you're talls, shave your balls. Use our code, it will abode. Manscaped here for you. I regret asking for rhymes. Don't rhyme anymore. Don't rhyme. Okay.

What do you want? I want to win. to get to the end okay ask me some questions perhaps i can help okay all right if it will one of us win one of you must win or both of you will just be trapped here forever okay all right uh do what does one of us have more points there are no points unless you mean health points, in which case Wade has way more health points. How do we leave this meadow? Ask me some questions. Perhaps I can help.

Will you show me the way out of this meadow? I could show you, but you wouldn't understand. Okay. Can you help us understand? I don't want to. If, if, if, if, if we weren't in the meadow, would we be at the end? If you weren't here, you must be somewhere else. And that is absolutely where the end would be.

Okay. Is this a real meadow? Ah, what is real? What is reality? Your perceptions as puny humans are so limited. What are the right questions to ask? You already know. All right.

Is, is there anything on our person that you want? You don't need anything special to get to the end. You need only ask the correct question. How are you? You have any small talk? I'm good. I recently had a baby, so I'm not sleeping as much as I'd like to, but he's cute. Two points. Thank you. Hey, sleeping as much as I'd like to, but he's cute. Two points. Thank you. Hey, wait a minute. What's your name?

I am the all-powerful Bob. Have you watched us on this journey this whole time? I see everything. I'm all-powerful. Okay, all right. That fart thing was pretty funny. That was good, yes. I didn't even expect that to happen.

Ah, yeah, that was really, it's really, really funny, yeah. Does one of us deserve to win? One of you definitely deserves to win, but who it is, I cannot say. Okay, alright. Ask me the one correct question and I'm sure I can help. Can I win? Now? Can you win now? May I win now?

Well, you're not at the end yet, so no one can win now. May I go to the end now? Are you asking if you may go to the end yet, so no one can win now. May I go to the end now? Are you asking if you may go to the end or if you and Mark together may go to the end? Well, you said if I go alone, we die, so both of us. Clever. You shall both be delivered to the friendship finale. A bunch of magic shit happens.

Whoa, teleportation sounds. Oh, Will, make it look cool. An explosion. Whoa, teleportation sounds. Oh, Will, make it look cool. Whoosh, boosh, bah, an explosion. Whoa. Wow. You're flying through space itself. You're flying across the universe,

and in the distance, you see a glimmer of light, and you realize as you fly toward it that that must be the end. That must be the final chamber. You've almost escaped. Oh, no. I can't be out of ink. Not now.

Mega tank. Why do I do this to myself? Ah, what's that printer that comes with 30 times the ink? Mega tank. Yes, it's a Canon. Mega phone? Mega tank.

It's a Canon printer. It comes with like two grand worth of ink. Prints me over 7,700 color pages. Mega tank. Mega what? Listen to the voice in your head and get a Canon Mega Tank printer so you don't have to think about ink for a long, long time. Visit canon.ca slash megatank for details.

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Very dramatic conclusion. Can I jump up like Scarlett Johansson and wrap my legs around Mark's neck, but instead of throwing him down, just sit on his shoulders? What? Yes, you do exactly that. Wade is now legs around Mark's neck, but instead of throwing him down, just sit on his shoulders. What? Yes, you do exactly that. Wade is now riding on Mark's shoulders. You find yourself standing in front of an enormous archway

that seems to be closed by some sort of magical force field. Across the top of the archway, it says, speak as friends and enter. Ready, Mark? Yeah, I'm ready. You're welcome. So well. Ready, Mark? Yeah, I'm ready. You're welcome. So well.

Yes, you're welcome. Nothing happens. Shit. Thought that had it. The guy from the mirror appears in the archway before you and says, look, the design for this one is very vague and it's

been a long time already. So we're going to hurry this up, okay? What I want to hear is why you think either you or your friend should win. Convince me and I'll let one of you through. One? Just one? One of you will definitely be let through. Okay. All right then.

Okay. Mark was a good friend and let me drink the tequila and I was mean by making him smell the farts, so Mark should probably win. That's a very true statement. You were kind of a dick. It was funny though, right? Wade is always, he's absolutely right, right now. I will untangle my crossed legs

wearing the Scarlett Johansson black widow boots and hop off of his shoulders. Mark, you can talk now. Oh, God. Okay. The journey was fantastic and somehow through our completely counter methods of solving problems,

I feel like we were two halves of the best idiot that we could be. So who do you think should win? Oh, me. Oh, God, me. God, me. Okay, well, the friends are in agreement you hear some clicking and whizzing and even though it's a magical barrier it sounds like some big safe door is

being opened and the the barrier disappears and the archway seems obviously clear and the rightful winner is now able to pass through the archway. I look over to Wade, I go, smell you later, loser, and I walk like this. I piss myself as he looks at me. Wade, you pissed your pants and you smell like tequila. Unfortunately, that only applies

to the real world versions of ourselves. Damn it! So now you just have piss pants. I really thought that might do it, but then I like, nice try, loser. And I keep walking like this with my arms swinging hugely. Mark walks like a dick

right towards the archway, looking confident. Wade looks on. I hold my hand out, wearing my full Black Widow leather and boots with urine dripping out one side. Goodbye, Mark. Wade waves of goodbyes as

Fred stomps towards the door. As Mark crosses the threshold of the door, his body begins to disintegrate, almost like he's being snapped out of existence, like Thanos in the Marvel stuff. Mark is dead now.

Mark does not make it across the threshold. The language written across the door says only the rightful winner may enter the one who spoke as a friend mark is disintegrated he's dead he's gone you stand alone in front of the archway wade what do you do well either i win or i get disintegrated and get rid of this wet leather so i'm gonna either way it's a win so i'm gonna go through it now wade walks through the archway, and as he does, the exact same voice that did the intro to this comes back out of nowhere and says the last stanza of its poem.

With seconds to spare, the last lock clicks. The door swings open and the mind's trickery fixed. Triumphant souls with a smile on their face, except for one of them's dead. They've conquered the room and left not a trace. You're teleported back to your exact seats where you are now. You're back in reality. Oh.

And I'm happy to declare that the winner of today's episode and also the one who's successfully escaped from the distractible escape room is Wade. Do I still smell like farts? successfully escaped from the distractible escape room is Wade. Do I still smell like farts? You are alive again, but you smell like farts forever. Oh, God. Next time I see you, I'm just going to pretend like you smell like the worst fart I've ever smelled. What we do is we get one of those little stink bomb things and we just plant it on him.

All right. Well, congratulations, Wade. You didn't help almost at all you were mostly drunk and somehow what it really counted you were the one who convinced me that you were a true friend you told the truth and you said that mark should win which was definitely true right up until that last puzzle uh and mark said he should win which is not a very friendly thing to do at all so that's why wayne wins all right. Oh, hell yeah. Also, my winner's speech is I can't wait to see the animations that come from this.

And please tag them all. If you make one, I don't care how good or bad, tag me on Twitter or wherever. I want to see it so badly. This Distractible Escaper was authored by my wife, Mandy, by the way. I helped a very small amount, but she made like 95% of it. How hard did we make it for you?

Honestly, you guys are perfect. So the script says stuff like, give some intro to the room. There's a giant door with a lock with six wheels on it with the numbers zero through nine on them. And I just completely bullshitted all the rest of it. And you guys played along. It worked perfectly. It's beautiful.

That's what we do. That's what we do what we do elephants having a good the best sense of smell is the most shocking thing of this whole episode that's a true fact that is interesting that is not an animal i would have thought of i've thought with like all the the water they suck up into it like it would have deadened some nerves or something like that but yeah no i i i was also surprised uh when we googled that but also you guys were dead on the dog is the dog smell ranges from 1 000 to 10 000 times better than human sense of smell oh so we both would have been right so both of you would have been correct all right uh yeah excellent work mark do you have a loser speech um this was a fun adventure it really is about

the journey uh my reign of terror seems to have come to a stop very prematurely, very prematurely, I will say. But don't worry. Thanks to Bob's urine and your greed. It's so cold right now in my pants. As soon as I get the win again, it'll be back. A hundred percent. Well, we're definitely going to let you win real soon. Don't worry about it. I pissed myself for no reason. At least it was only imaginary, probably. Thanks, Mandy, for writing this. She literally just had this idea and did it herself and was like, here, do this episode. That's great. And thank you guys for playing along.

Thank you all for listening and or watching. Make sure you watch. You can watch on Spotify. Only on Spotify. There's a video version of the podcast. This one might be funny to watch on video. Who knows? Maybe you should go back.

Maybe you should have watched it to begin with. Just saying. Make sure you check out our merch at store.stractablepodcast.com. Who knows? Maybe you should go back. Maybe you should have watched it to begin with. Just saying. Make sure you check out our merch at store.stractablepodcast.com. Mark is Markiplier on the internet. Wade is LordMinion777 or Minion777. I am Micegurm. You'll never spell it, so don't even try. That's the end of the episode.

This was kind of a long one. Sorry, editors. Whoops. Wade is the winner, so he'll be hosting the next episode. And until then, podcast out.