Distractible - Distractible Riddle Realm

Episode Date: September 29, 2023

Mark rips off Bob and Mandy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable. This week, it's hard-hand Moodlers and dungeon delving as Mad Malady Mark architects another amazing original adventure. Wheel-less Wade steals Shakira, trips balls after a bash, and nearly gets neutered. Bad-pressed Bob willfully whacks Wade, hammers a hawk, and fists boxes. From the Aurora Borealis

to floppy phalluses and time dilation. Yes! It's time for Destructible Riddle Realm. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted And enjoy the show Good evening And or good morning

Or whenever the time is when you Watch and or listen to this Some people listen right at midnight when it comes out But welcome to Distractible My name is Markiplier and I'm your host And today i'm joined by bob and wade yo what's up kids how's it going everybody man the people watching video are getting a treat from wade shake it yeah those hips don't lie. Two point. I'm already beating you, Mark.

All right, whatever. Anyway, welcome to the show, everyone watching and or listening. This is Distractible, the game where everything goes kind of crazy. If you read the title, you kind of know what's going on unless you don't. We didn't get to read the title. So what is it? We don't know the we don't know the title yet. What is the title, Mark?

Yeah, I'm talking to the people at home. Oh, okay. I feel like that's fair. Yeah, but before we get into the meat of the matter, how are you guys doing? Pretty good. Too bad. Doesn't matter.

I went to the hospital. Okay, well, I went to hell. So who's got a better story now? I went to both at the same time, but I don't think I can talk about that one. So I'm just going to leave that a mystery. Okay, interesting. Satan made you sign an NDA? For the hell hospital?

Yeah, I had Nurse Ratched and she was straight down there. So I had to go to hell to get her to sign all the papers, the whole thing. Did anyone get that reference, Nurse Ratched? Probably not. So Mark, you survived. Yeah, yeah, it was fine uh basically i woke up and i think i just slept on my arm funny and it was kind of numb you know yeah that happens you know you sleep on funny it goes fall asleep i go to the hospital for it all the time no no but what what made me go get checked out is like because i just went to the

emergency room because it was it was nearby and you know like i just wanted to make sure because i knew they had like you know they could do a scan because i also had this weird headache that like felt like my like just on one side and like i was like numb on the surface so i was like but it was like kind of it was like it wasn't a headache like any headache i've had before it so it was like it was just enough and it stayed constant so i woke up early from it like 4 a.m and then for the next like three and a half hours i was like waiting for this headache to fade and waiting for like the tingling in my arm to kind of go away and they all stuck around for a little bit too long so i was like if this is

like some brain aneurysm or like i had a like a stroke or something which i didn't i looked in the mirror do smile tests you know do the strength test and the finger coordination test. Do all those. I don't know those tests. I should probably know them, but I don't. You definitely need to know them. I'm just saying. Yeah, thanks, man. That's a good thing to know. Not you, not because of your health or anything, but just like

you definitely need to know that, Wade. Okay, that's the way you emphasize the you definitely need to know them. I'm's the way you emphasize the you definitely need to know them i'm worried about you thank thank you yeah yeah we're all worried about you wade there's a wake-up call i guess i'll look into it we continue with your story while i just in case just in case you know you you get paranoid so if everyone home ever thinks you do this test where you you touch your thumb to every finger in the same sequence and then you can try to do it in like different sequence alternating i already can't do it which is just a coordination thing in general so if you

can't do that doesn't mean you have a stroke but generally you want to be able to press and coordinate with all of your fingers why is thumb to pinky so hard is it is for me it's like i feel like i'm pulling my thumb to thumb to pinky is hard for you especially right hand my right hand yeah that's too that's too much flexibility, that? On my right hand, which is the one I use predominantly, yeah. My left's fine. Right hand, it's like, that's kind of tough. You okay?

Wait a minute. Wait, can you look into the camera? Can you look directly at the camera and smile for me? Shut up, I'm fine. Smile big. Smile big. That's a little uneven. That's a little...

Fuck you, guys. You guys are the worst. That's the next thing. You go to a mirror Fuck you, guys. You guys are the worst. That's the next thing. You go to a mirror and you look at yourself in the mirror and you go, it's not big. It's not real big. Make sure you're even. Try to see if you can.

I mean, most people can't really, like, control everything perfectly across the board. Just like independent. You're not trying to look for individual control. It should look like it usually does. So, like, shit for me? Great. Don't need to put yourself down. We're going to get to that.

What? What? What? Okay. I feel like feel like is this am i getting punked is ashton kutcher here we're always so nice to you way we're finally gonna do an episode where we're mean to you we i thought only one of you won last time what is what happened oh i mean i'm not in on it i don't know yeah i don't know okay two points yeah thanks all right well good good for you guys it's it's incredibly uh uh great of you any any new developments in you guys's life i got some new parts for my car everyone out there who's a car person would be happy to know i i own a subaru wrx it's not an sti but it is a praise is limited it's a fancy one and i got new i got fog tail lights now which are pretty cool so my back my back end of my car is all black and blue it's a cool look and I got I got

rims I've got gold uh rims they're not on the car yet but pretty excited about it ah I know we got probably at least some car people out there I don't even have a car so I'm not that guy I thought you guys were gonna go car shopping did Molly get a car you guys still I can't go have a car, so I'm not that guy. I thought you guys were going to go car shopping. Did Molly get a car? You guys still? I can't go into all of the things going on in my personal life, but my family has been. So the car is like the foam. Got it. The car is, we're going to go when we can.

But man, oh man, have I had some life setbacks. Soon. It's soon. Soon. How long has it been? How long has it been since I had a car? Two and a half years march of 21 oh i was pretty close actually two and a half years that's what he said he said two

and a half years yeah yeah that's that's pretty spot on also i'm realizing my hand you guys have me doing this hand thing now on my left hand i can move thumb to both sides of pinky i cannot touch the far side of my pinky on my right hand like i cannot get it over there i mean that's kind of hard to touch the far side i don't know it is a little difficult to get over there but i can do it easily on the on the left hand not my right and i'm right-handed i do have the slap tear in my shoulder still i don't think that messes with my ability to do this it's the fingers real hard well i don't know i don't know why else but why

does my right hand suck i think you're just not very flexible wade which i'm not making fun of maybe my thumb is just so muscular from gaming that i can't do it right that's it yeah absolutely yeah i'm gonna rethink my life um that's so yeah breaking break breaking news is that this episode no we did that already no no no that's actually from a 1993 movie called the news has broken eat my look at my ass i don't want to i don't think that's the name of the episode well anyway we're gonna get right into it because today we have an exciting exciting episode that i think everyone is going to enjoy we know very much that um you know the subreddit was really excited about one of these things in the past. I won't say which episode.

We've had some bangers lately. But I wanted to throw my hat into the ring and try my hand at something. Because the adventures with us never stop. And last time I was partaking in the adventure. So I want to be able to give the adventure. Okay. I'm excited. I like a man who reciprocates.

Gather close, pursuers of Enigma's charm, where intellect and unity walk arm in arm. Imprisoned with riddles you're meant to decode, time's ticking away in this mysterious abode. The clock's drumming heartbeat fuels your dread. A woven labyrinth of hints lie ahead. Puzzles to crack each move a piece, finding the way out for liberation's release.

In shadowed nooks, secrets lie in wait. Unearth the truth, let exhilaration elate. A lock, a code a message obscure each finding a leap towards the exit for sure so you're stealing Bob's idea and riddles and rhymes and putting

them together. What? No I don't know what you're talking about. Okay no I'm on board I gotta say I know that was AI generated. No it wasn't some of that felt eerily close to the one that I did. What do you mean? I'm not gonna... Anyway, yeah, let me get on to

the adventure. It's like, gotta get into character. Bob and Wade materialize in an expansive, enigmatic chamber. A delicate fog envelops you, hovering just above the ground. From afar, an unfamiliar voice resonates, proclaiming, BE MERRY WITHIN THE TUNNEL OF PERCEPTION!

Have I been here before? Wade, am I trapped in your dream? Are you having a nightmare about something? I feel like I'm reliving something slightly with some alteration. What do you mean? Nothing. Go on. It's just eerie. I don't know. Yes. The tunnel of perception is very

eerie, especially when you're in it for the first time. What am I perceiving? Ah. Before you is a door. A big door. It's got a, um, it's got six wheels on it. Oh, okay. Each wheel has a letter. There's a letter. It's got a, um, it's got six wheels on it. Oh, okay.

Each wheel has a letter. There's a letter. It's letters. Each wheel has a letter from A to Z. Oh, okay. That's very different than what I thought it was going to be. Okay. Yes.

26 possibilities. Times six. Something like that. I walk up to it. I put A, P, P, L. Never mind. Oh, I thought you just got it. It's got to be plural.

It's apples. The door physically rejects your attempt. You're thrown back on your ass and you take two points of damage. Okay, do I have any bottles of anything in my pocket? No, you don't. You've got nothing. You pull out your pockets and a moth flies out. You know that

voice that's echoing from nothingness, Wade, still smells like farts. No, you're right. I do smell that in the air. Like it's a smell that will linger forever with the whatever voice that is. I am not

in the room with you, so I don't even know how you could think that you would be able to smell me. You sound like you smell like farts. So are you in like a control room looking down on us? Is there cameras? I'm an incorporeal being of some kind. What do we call you, incorporeal being? You may call me Mark.

That's original, I like it. That's familiar. Almighty Mark. Yes. Can I perceive something to solve these letters that I need to find? Why, yes, you may. A spotlight kicks on. Is that 3,000

newts? It's a 3,000 newts? Is that a micro LED spotlight? Yes, it is. Thank you for noticing. Before you is a wooden cabinet. It's rich, dark finish, almost absorbing the light

around it. It has three compartments, each fronted by a door with an antique handle. Above these doors is a smooth surface of the cabinet that's interrupted by three recessed grooves. No, excess grooves. Above. They come out.

They come out as if something... Oh, okay. The shapes are curiously, like, alluring. Waiting for something to be placed onto them. Is that a dick? No, it's not a dick. Okay. Little mounds. Like a dick? No, it's not a dick. Okay. Little mounds. Like a

toe? No. Well, if your toe was like a regular and had like jagged grooves in it. Okay, can we phone a friend? Can we get Quentin Tarantino on the line? You pull out your pockets again, but the moth isn't there anymore and you realize you don't have a phone. Um, I reach into my pocket looking for my phone.

You fish out, uh, like an old Nokia 99 9913 uh brick phone but it's out of batteries i look around for some plugs there's no plugs it's an empty dark void is there one of those on the floor sunk into the floor plug things somewhere out here i mean you could roll a perception check but there's no plugs i want to roll a perception check. Yeah, I also am proficient. Can I give him advantage? Proficient in what? Looking.

Looking. You rolled a one. Oh, come on. That's not real. That's not a very good advantage. You found a hole in the floor and you fall through it and go. And then you come back from the ceiling above and a Doppler effect of you. And you fall in the hole again.

And you do that several times. I jump across to try to catch him. All right. Well, does that another role? What's that? Dexterity. I'll make an athletics check.

All right. What's your, what's your advantage on that? I have a, I have a plus one. You roll the total of a four. You, you managed to both miss him and then also fall in the hole.

And now both of you are just like... So I let that continue for a minute before I mercy just cut the hole at the bottom and you both like... So Bob, you hit first. You take... I'll roll a D4. How about that? You take one point of damage, but Wade's right behind you. Wade is cushioned by your fall, so you don't take any damage.

Bob, you take another four. So you took a total of five damage. Sorry, I'm harder than the floor, apparently. I just get that way when I have to solve puzzles, dude. I get hard as can be. Why did you land on me elbows first, you dick? Oh, that wasn't my elbow. You're just happy to see me underneath you

so happy dude i love falling it's my thing i want to open the top drawer and see if i find a sock they're side by side it's a cabinet cabinet they're doors oh great voice in the sky if i had some sort of overarching concern of a of a in the vein of us getting older would you be interested in me voicing that concern or are we just gonna continue with this i don't see what the issue is at all all right i'll just keep that to myself uh i watch wade open the first cabinet so wade on the cabinet there's a question a brass placard that bears a question. The weirdest case of Deja Mustard right now. Let's do it. What is the best and most beloved thing to look at in the world?

Is there a Shakira figurine? It's pictures, but there is. But there's... I pocket it. You pocket the Shakira picture? Bob, there's a question here. Some stuff. You want to help me figure this out?

Okay. Well, I know that the answer is not Shakira. So I don't even know what the question here. Some stuff. You want to help me figure this out? Okay. Well, I know that the answer is not Shakira. So I don't even know what the question is. But what is the best and favorite thing to look at in the world? Is that what we're... Yeah. Best and most beloved thing to look at in the world. The best site.

And it's the letters are intricately engraved. Is there a figurine of meat? They almost... Can you let me? Yes. It's whatever you want inside. I pocket it. You got a picture of meat in your pocket.

All right, now describe what else is there. Yeah, well, come on. What are you doing? Reach in, reach in. Just like, you don't want me to describe it. I take my right hand and just reach in without even looking and just smack around. And I pull something out. What do I pull out?

All right, you've got a surprisingly realistic drawing of a butthole. You don't know whose. That's a hard maybe. We could tape it to the Shakira picture, but I'm not gonna. We should make a picture sandwich. Clearly, it's not one thing. Clearly, it's multiple things. What if meat had a butthole?

Hang on. Can I put this on the meat picture I've got? No, I don't like that. Is it Shakira butthole meat or is it meat butthole shakira no that's a cannoli if you if you put it in the wrong if you wrap i'm gonna another picture uh yeah so do you want the me to read the rest of the the um thing i had i uh sure yeah go ahead okay so the letters are intricately engraved. They seem to flow and move. The words almost seem to glow. It's like yearning for an answer. Is there any fire nearby? No. I reach in and pull out another picture. Okay. You're going to make me do it all?

Because I'm not that I remember. I pull out a picture of my dog, Lexi. Oh, that's very nice. It's a lovely picture. It is perfectly framed. It follows the rule of thirds. The exposure and contrast are impeccable. The saturation is tastefully applied, but not overly applied. It's a wonderful picture.

Her coat is hard to capture, too, because she's brown. She's gray and white, but she's got brown undercoat. It all comes through. Yeah. And there's like a, the sun is shining just in the right spot in the background so it's not obscuring the lens. There's no lens flare, but it's somehow illuminating her coat in just like the perfect way.

I shove the picture of Lexi into the receptacle above that cabinet. While he does that, I reach and I grab the real answer out and I'm holding it ready. Perfect. You hear a... And nothing happens. I take the picture of Lexi back.

You look at the picture again and now Lexi's frowning. Bob, we've missed two clues. We overlooked two clues. One, who our host is. Two, the words that he used a moment ago. I grab an image of Mark's own tasteful nudes calendar and put it on there. Because what else could he think of other than that? No, you're right.

So I put his own tasteful nudes on knowing that's what he wants to see. When did I say tasteful? You said the word tasteful. You just did like a minute ago. Did I? That's when I said I know the answer. I don't think i did but all right um play it back we hear it the saturation is tastefully applied but not overly applied

you just hear uh uh some some voice in the distance go hello everybody and then it echoes around and then nothing happens okay i'm stumped bob i i pull out a picture of a rose i put in my pocket oh yeah you pocket the rose okay you just say it the right way rose rose uh i pull out a picture of a very cool race car and i put that on my pocket i pull out a picture of a hot dog being held up in front of a reds baseball game with really good seats, clearly behind the third base dugout. I put that in my pocket. I pull out a picture of my family. You're pocketing a lot of pictures.

I'm just building a stash for later. Every picture is intricately rendered. Everything is just the most beautiful picture of that thing that you've ever experienced. And then I pull out a picture of the correct answer and i put that in the hole all right so wade has the correct answer first in his hand i thought that the correct answer was your calendar which was which was shunned it was not was oh was that what you thought that's what that's what his picture was i just pull out a picture of the correct answer and i put it in the hole do you want the clue again or should i yeah so remember the letters are intricately engraved they seem to almost flow across each other and across the engraving and the words almost seem to glow in vivid greens and blues a tropical sunset over the ocean. It's very up there.

I grab Wade by the back of his neck and drag him to the cabinet and shove him face first into the hole on top of it. It's not a hole, it's protruding! Whatever, I shove, I just take him and just... I'm just trying to shove him in. His face repeatedly bounces off. Blood from his broken nose is flying everywhere as you bash him into the little mound that there. Definitely not a recess. So it's like hitting him in the face with a hubcap. A beautiful intro.

Every hit. But somehow, when you pull back, the blood that shot out of his nose creates this lovely tapestry that seems to flow across the hill almost like the Aurora Borealis and you hear a click and the door

slams shut! I knew it was his nudes, dude. You see these beautiful streams of blue and green arcing overhead illuminating above you it's gorgeous bob i think i'm tripping balls from the head injury i pull out the picture of sad lexi and i show her the aurora borealis is she happy now yeah she's happy okay good i do the same with shakira the same thing happens but every time you look at the picture shakira frowns like when you

turn it away from you shakira's smiling but as soon as you turn it back but you actually notice the frown appearing so it's like a smile just as you start Shakira's smiling, but as soon as you turn it back, but you actually notice the frown appearing. So it's like a smile just as you start to turn and then it goes as soon as you look at it. I'm just going to imagine that she's smiling at the thought of seeing me again since she's had to turn away. Her frown deepens and her arm in the picture moves to give you a thumbs down. I'm going to not think about it and I'm going to open the next cabinet. I go to the door with the wheels with the letters on it and i start entering the word aurora borealis that sounds like six letters a big thumb

comes out a door opens above it an arm and a thumb gives you a thumbs down and then pokes you in the top of the head oh hey a dislike is still interaction bob no no bad press no bad press uh did we get a letter from this? No, there's two more doors. So yes, the Aurora Borealis is known as one of the most beautiful sights in the world. It's often sought after, and I myself might get to see it later

this year. Amy and I were going to attempt to see it at the right time that it is there, but people say it's one of the most gorgeous things. Also, which would have been accepted is a view of the Earth from the space station. Some people say that that it is there. But people say it's one of the most gorgeous things. Also, which would have been accepted is a view of the Earth from the space station. Some people say that that view is life-changing, extremely profound, and is just something that very few people get to experience and will change you fundamentally. The space station to me is like one of those wonders of the world. It's more of a wonder of space, really. Okay, we'll open door number two.

Door number two. All right. The second door is a similarly styled placard, but it's not flowing. It's not glowing. And the question reads, how many times more sensitive is a cat's night vision compared to a human's? Wait, but it's an animal. How much better is an animal's-

A cat. A cat, yeah. Than a human's? Is that the question? Because that's strikingly just reminding me of something. Well, I mean, like, you know, we all have heard that cats have good night vision. You know, they got those, you know, special eyes and they're retroreflective. So I think we all know that it's like a little worse.

I think the answer is an elephant. What was the question? Cat. Cat. I think the answer is an elephant. What was the question? Cat. Cat. I think the answer is a cat. How much more sensitive is a cat's night vision than a human's? I reach into the cabinet. Is there stuff in there? Yeah, yeah. There's a series of like ranges

of numbers. It goes for, there's a word on the left that just says worse. It's like written in crayon. It just says worse. It worse. and then there's one to two two to four i grab worse and i hold it upside down now it says morse no it doesn't that's not how words work i put worse back i grab worse and i stick it in my pocket and then i grab a range that says 20 to 25 and i stick that on the thing on top. Out of the back of the cabinet and in Tarkat's paw

with claws out, smacks your wrist and drags across your forearm. Ow. You take one point of scratch damage. This is more violent than I remember. It was pretty violent. I mean...

What was that, Mark? Wait, hang on. Did you just say something? It was a pretty good answer, but not quite there. Is there something with a range that has like 100 in it? Sure. Wait, hang on. Did you just say something? It was a pretty good answer, but not quite there. Is there something with a range that has like 100 in it? Sure.

I grabbed one of the bigger ranges I can find that has 100 in it, and I put that on there. Actually, I take Bob's hand, and I put it on there with Bob's hand, and I pull mine away real quick. I smack him in the face, and I don't let him do it. Ow. Okay, I do it after that. Okay, you put the 100 plus, let's just say 100 plus on there, and then you don't notice anything at first, but then you go,

a strange smell oozes out from the column and penetrates right in your nose. Oh, it smells like Mark. No, no, it's pure concentrated fart that blasts its way into your nose yeah it definitely smells like mark i remember this yeah i feel like this smells like mark no okay does it give me health no you take another point of damage okay well it wasn't a hundred bob i grab a range that says zero to a million and i stick that on there. That's not in there.

All right. Let's just say it's one to two, two to four, four to six, six to eight, eight to ten. Those are the numbers in there. Six to eight. Boom. Smack it on there. Don't even think about it. All right.

The door slams shut. The whole cupboard starts to shake. A sheen of sweat drips down the front of it and you get kind of sighs to itself it goes ah is it looking at my shakira picture a pocket the secure picture i'm not gonna let it look at it anymore we've almost satisfied the copy cabinet wade let's keep going yeah i think it was very satisfied i'm disturbed uh you open the third door i'm tired of opening doors i open the third door without looking at anything i I reach in and grab whatever I feel first, and I just smack it on top. I'm not even interested.

A crab claw pinches you very hard on the finger, and you slam it, and its shell just explodes. But it's not dead. It's just fully molted, and now you've got a naked crab that's grabbing onto your finger and just flops around. It's stuck there. I pocket Bob's finger. My finger is still attached. So you put his hand with the crab in your finger i think it's still attached so you put

his hand with the crab in your pocket but it's still attached so now his hand is in your pocket okay i look at the question good good good choice the third and final door holds its own enigma stated which animal in the world has the best eyesight huh Wade, it's definitely a crab. You should try the crab. You know, that seems unlikely given the circumstance. But you know, you're a trustworthy guy and I just can't say no. I'll try the crab. So you pull the naked, floppy, meaty crab out of your pocket with Bob's finger still attached and you flop it onto the pedestal.

And again again it just explodes and crab pieces go everywhere hit you in the eye and in your mouth your mouth was slightly open is it cooked no I raw crabs probably still pretty tasty I don't do that okay here I'll spit it at Bob so you can have

some I actually know the answer to this question I open my mouth and I catch Wade's mama bird gift and then i uh i use that nutrition to fuel my brain to realize that clearly a hawk has the greatest vision of all the animals i knew it would be a bird but i just trusted you so much all right so you reach into the cabinet and you think of hawk really hard and you pull out a hawk a full hawk and then like a like a coconut on one of those knives they use to peel the skin off i just take the hawk and i go right on top its feathers don't explode but it it when it hits the top it just goes and you know it doesn't die or

anything but it was kind of messed up for you to do that. So the hawk looks at you like, wait, why? A ding rings out because you did it right. Hey! I just don't know why you had to slam it so hard onto the thing. Because I wanted to be emphatic about it because I knew the right answer to that one. Is there a horse in the drawer?

Reach in, see. Yeah, I reach in for a horse. All right, so the entire head of a horse sticks through, but the body won't fit, and it just looks at you, and it bites your finger. Well, how are Shakira and I supposed to ride that later? Close the door, I guess. I try to push the horse's head kind of, but I'm mad at it,

so I slam his head in the drawer once, then I push it down the rest of the way. You violent bastards. The door slams shut. The whole cabinet shakes and shudders. You feel it shaking the ground, and then a weird viscous fluid drips from the ceiling onto Wade's head.

I sit down. I go to the door, and I start entering the word viscous fluid into the letters. Before you can do that, spikes from the ground shoot off between your legs. Shing! I sat! Thankfully, you sat? I just sat with the viscous fluid

yeah oh it's dead no no if you're sitting crisscross applesauce and it shoots up right in the gap between your legs like but it doesn't quite reach it cuz thankfully I was well I mean you guys are both the same height which was how you were gonna escape that before but it still barely misses your genitals. And wait, as it's in front of you, you see on the front of it is a letter. P. Bob, try a C. I put a C into the first wheel on the door.

Some fart smell gets sprayed into your face. Oh, sorry, I meant P. I put a P into the first slot on the door. You hear... Wait, is this where the moaning was i'm sorry what what moaning are you referencing mark i are you wait did you just admit that you're uh are you basing this off something is this inspired by something or um no no i just had a thought i was thinking like um is this where i was i was looking at another watching some show that's moaning? I thought it was going to occur.

It didn't. Anyway, a mechanical, purely mechanical and not biological sound occurs and it goes, perflonk, clank, ding! And a thumbs up comes out of the wall. I think we solved the whole puzzle. I tried to open the door.

You can't. It's stuck. Even your big, big muscles and your very, very strong, strong arms can't turn the wheel to unlock it. You try really hard and you look really cool doing it, but it just doesn't work. I enter the word penis. And then I realize there's an extra letter.

So I put an A, hoping it's Canadian. Penis with two S's. Penis. Penis, A. Door opens up above it and a massive floppy penis comes out and smacks you in the head. I pocket it. You try to pull it out. It doesn't come out of the wall.

I go back to the cabinet with the horse partially sticking out of it. I reach my hand in and I imagine a woodpecker. And then I pull the woodpecker out and I go up to the big door and I'm like get to work buddy. And the woodpecker's gonna peck a hole in the door for us. Okay I thought you were doing that for the penis. Uh I look around for another puzzle. Ah whatever

that's stupid. This is a stupid idea nobody would enjoy this. What do you mean? This is like weird part four. It's smack in the middle of the space. A grand circular table crafted from mahogany stands imposingly. A blue velvet tablecloth hosts two ornate boxes. One box is constructed from intricate silver filigree and studded with rubies,

while the other is hewn from dark weathered wood and engraved with ancient runes. Inside each box is a riddle written on a piece of parchment. Solve the riddle correctly in a secret compartment. Wait, um, hold on. Is there some liquid too by any chance? Yeah, did you mean, did you say goblet? No, no, uh, ornate boxes um oh is there some cereal nearby oh it's no it's two ornate boxes with two giant holes in the top of it something

that you could just fit your arm in and nothing else i got a lot of stuff smaller than my arm i don't know that's a very complimentary of uh my Thank you. Okay, I guess I walk over there and look at him. Alright, you look at him. It's dark inside, but as you put your ear close to the box, you can hear something hissing. Hissing at you. From both boxes? Just the one the first one you lean into. I lean

at the other one. Okay, Wade, you go up to the other one and you lean your ear inside and you hear rattling. like some violent horrible rattling that sounds threatening okay bob i think my box is safe so i'll risk yours if you risk mine i before wade comes over to my side of the table i reach into the box with the hissing emanating from it while i stare wade in his face no truck man what the hell wait so which box did you put your hand i stuck my arm into the hissing box, not the rattling box.

The silver one. You feel a scratch hit your arm hard and heavy. You feel something tear into your flesh. Something is ripping apart your arm. You try to pull it out, but it won't come free. You scream and scream in agony and scream hard. And you can't stop screaming and you can't pull your arm out no matter what. Wade stands there looking at his picture of Shakira

all the while, and you're just like, Ah, Wade, please! And you end up dying. Time stops! You hear that ticking clock. Will, put in a ticking clock or something. Whoa, hey, there it is. I was wondering when that would come back.

And then everything goes... Rewinds back to you both standing in front of the box once more. Bob, I think mine's safe. Do we remember what just happened or... Uh, yeah, no, yes, no, yes, no. Uh, before either of us... Wade, I say to Wade, you know what? Before either of us reaches into any of these boxes,

maybe we should see if there's a clue. That's a good idea. And then I walk to the edge of the table and I grab the tablecloth and I do like a magician does where they pull it out from the table and the silverware and everything still stays. And the boxes are still standing?

Yes. Wait, let me, yeah. What was your acrobatics check? I'm pretty sure I have like a minus two for acrobatics. Isn't that maybe like dexterity? You rolled a 12. I think it worked. It wasn't perfect.ics. Isn't that a bit like dexterity? You rolled a 12. I think it worked. It wasn't perfect.

They kind of like scoot a bit and the table kind of wobbles like this. But overall, the effect is still effective. And you do make Wade go like, wow, that was pretty good. We must be level one. We suck. A fresh voice can speak to you and open your ears and your mind to new views and new perspectives. The call of the wild, a crescendo of culture. Listen as a chorus of fresh voices moves you, taking you to greater heights.

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When it comes to shipping internationally, can I provide trade documents electronically? Mm-hmm. The answer is FedEx. Okay. But what about estimating duties and taxes on my shipments? How do I find all the... Also FedEx. Impressive. Is there a regulatory specialist I can ask about? FedEx.

Oh. But let's say that... FedEx. What a... FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. What? FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx, where now meets next.

Anyway, you look around and on the table is like the Lord of the Rings. Elvish writing in a big circle is threading across around and around. I should have pulled a nerd out of the cabinet. I can't read Elvish. Bob, can you read Elvish? Uh, let me check my languages. No, I only speak common. All right.

As you're circling it, trying to make yourself seem smart and convince Wade that you know what you're doing, you get around the back and you notice another hole on the back of each box. I listened to that hole on the silver box. Oh, it's the same hissing, but slightly muffled. Like it sounds like, it sounds like whatever the source of the hissing isn't, isn't facing that hole on the silver box oh it's the same hissing but slightly uh muffled like it sounds like it sounds like whatever the source of the hissing isn't isn't facing that hole well are you gonna do anything wade no okay reach into that hole of the box all right you you reach in and you feel some fur and you grab it by the scruff there um but it still uh is thrashing in your grip, but you can't seem to get a hold of it by yourself.

And so it ends up, whatever you're grabbing spins around, digs its claws into your flesh and you scream in agony for about three minutes and 12 seconds before dying. Wade still just looking at his picture of Shigeru. Can we reload our last save? Yeah, yeah.

Let's get that clock sound in there and hey bob watch this and i'm gonna do the tablecloth bit can i roll my acrobatics sure yeah you rolled a 12 again hey that's flat for me hell yeah the both boxes go to the side and like they hit the edge of the table but you know it wasn't quite as good as bob's but it it was i mean it was pretty impressive even though he rolled a 10 i rolled what kind of system is this i rolled a 12 oh no if you included my minus two that i said yeah you were minus two it already happened it's too late all right so it was slightly better than bob's thanks well what are you gonna do wade I'm not reaching my hand in nothing. Hey, Bob, I'm going to

reach my hand in. I'm going to need your help. What do you want me to do? Help. How should I help? Here's what we do. We each put a hand in the back at the same time and we use our other hand to assist the other person. So we do like, we play like Twister. We each reach into one of one box and one of the

other box, but not a, yeah, okay. Okay. I line my hands up one behind one box and one of the other box but not a yeah okay okay i i line my hands up one behind the one box and one over the other box and i look expectantly at wade waiting for him to get the same on the other box we are ready we're synced up i i lock eyes with wade and i go three two one i kiss at the air as he just says one and then I grab. I'm really confused about the kiss and a little turned on, but I shove both my hands into the boxes and just try and grab it and everything. Grab these fucking things.

So you both reach into the box at the same time. There's an intense struggle as you feel something thrash in your grip. You feel like this horrible beast inside there that's trying to turn its head and bite at you, but it just can't because both of you are grabbing it just the right way. And also you feel like Bob's fingers caress across the top of yours just a little bit, just a little bit. I kiss again. There's a moment where Wade and I both get a little distracted and drawn towards each other and away from what's happening with the boxes. But then we realize the danger and

refocus. But when you refocus, you realize that the thrashing has stopped. And both of you, as you pull out your arms, do you pull out your arms? I pull my arms both out at the same time. I don't let go. I just grab and pull and see what I can rip out. Yeah, we rip those little fuckers in half. All right.

You hear an intense tearing sound, almost like tearing paper. And now we have dinner. When you pull out your arms, you're holding onto, I guess, four pieces of paper. Each of them looks like it was torn from a larger single piece of paper. There seems to be some writing. You dyed the paper? Paper cuts are real bad, man. Violent paper.

I don't know. Is it magic? Who knows? I'm going to put them, kind of hold them together and see what they make. I awkwardly reach around inside of Wade's arms so that we can both look and adjust at the same time. Yeah, I'm a little spooning right now. Yeah, after some assembly, you realize that the picture spells out a letter. Each curve on one of the pictures spelling out the letter O.

It could be a zero. I go to the door and I start putting the word ponus in. Ponus? No, you know what? I start putting the word penis in, spelled P-O-E-N-I-S. Like Phoenix, but penis. Ah, I see. It doesn't work.

And then some other way for you to be punished for your stupidity occurs. I don't know how occurs. Wow, the creativity is really kind of dwindling. You feel really bad about it. I feel pretty embarrassed, I guess. You look around for another puzzle. Okay, I see a ship in a box that I need to put into another box, right?

No, no, no, I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, okay. Sorry, I just was imagining it. Yeah, don't get ahead of me. I was like, man, Shakira and I on a boat? My dream. You're playing me in this version of this? No, I'm in charge. Oh, I'm sorry.

We'll call you the great and powerful Bob. Yeah, yeah. Well, no, no, no. Just Mark. Just Mark. Oh, okay. When you're done being defensive, can you tell me what I see? I think actually my name, hold on for a second.

I think my name is like the incredibly fresh and um great smelling mark the very original mark yeah can we call me that yeah the very original mark sure that seems pretty accurate yeah okay you hear that ominous ticking again there's been no ticking there's some ticking there's ticking occurring it only happened when we died and i didn't hear it because i was dead there's some ticking. There's ticking occurring. It only happened when we died and I didn't hear it because I was dead. There's some grinding. Like some grinding happenings. Oh, those hips don't lie. What song are they grinding to? Uh, some

Shakira song. Lali lalala. I start grinding too. Yeah, get off! Get off! Move away from Wade. I'm sorry. Do I see literally anything? Yes. In the distance, you see a mirror. Oh, come on. Okay.

Are you sure it's a mirror? No, it's what you think is a mirror. It's actually a piece of polished silver that's rectangular in shape, as tall as you, and is surprisingly good at reflecting your image. Bob, this is a shitty version of a mirror. Come look. I see that. It's a very tall LCD screen that has a camera on top of it

that reflects your image perfectly. Almost like a mirror, but not quite. Bob, it's a mirror from the future. Come look. I see that, and I see Wade go over there, and I look around for anything else. Uh-huh. You don't see anything else there's the old

cabin of the horse still in the in the I go hang out with the horse alright so you go hang out with the horse the horse doesn't you solve this one Wade I'm gonna take a break okay mirror movie on the ground can Shakira pound there's no answer because it doesn't talk what do you say

I was just thinking about a meat sale I go over because I'm too curious what the hell Wade's doing. I try to solve the puzzle and figure out what the hell's going on quickly before Bob gets over here. All right, you try desperately. You flail around. You end up ripping out some wires and the whole image turns off. So now it's just a black screen. Bob, can you strip some wires and fix them real quick?

I go around to where Wade destroyed the wires and just randomly start twisting wires together paying no attention to what colors they are that'd be an electronics check what's your uh electronics uh pretty high actually i have a i have a plus four on that damn 18 all right 22 in a flash he gets everything assembled i mean it's it's so it's child's play to him he just gets it all stitched together. The whole thing boots back up. You see the loading screen, the bar, and then in front of you, text starts to read out on black. That's all it says?

No, hold on. Does the text say you hear laughter in the distance? No, no. you hear laughter in the distance no no tongue tongue in my mouth who tastes the finest flavors out and about you yearn to be the one with

the most refined palate I look at Wade and lick my lips I hold up the image of Shakira between us and also lick my lips alright you do that Bob do we have to drink each other

I'm not 100% clear I feel like I feel like maybe something where we just had to touch each other's faces would be awkward but not too weird I don't know I feel like someone else might have done this in a way that was less confusing is there a cup or a plate or something i turn i turn to the wall

that the text displayed on and i say what exactly do you want us to do right now all right one second it's booting all right cat gpt is processing hang on this was not what i was expecting the mirror to tell us i'm not gonna lie i whoa hold on hold on whoa oh no wait so yeah okay all right so it just it kind of reiterates itself tongue tongue in my mouth agile and keen who tastes the finest flavors ever seen or gleaned i look look back at Wade still licking my lips and I just start slowly moving in towards him. Wade, he's about three feet away, three feet, two feet and 11 inches.

He's getting closer. I allow my mouth to be presentable, but the whole while I stare at the picture of Shakira and close my eyes after a minute and just hope that this ends quickly. He's inching very slowly. You hear his feet shuffling across the ground. I dive forward fast, teeth out accidentally, probably clinging into his mouth. Just try to get it over with. I grab Wade by the sides of the head as he lunges at me and I yank it down so that I can lick the

top of his head. And right as I'm about to do that... Oh, I didn't know where I was going. Right as I'm about to do that, I have a realization and I stop with my tongue out millimeters away from Wade's head and I turn and look at the screen and I say, this is not even close.

Clearly, I have the better palate. If it's who has the better palate, it's me. Wade doesn't even like tacos. This guy doesn't like tacos. So do you or do you not lick the top of his head i don't i i pose my my question to the screen and see what happens for a second all right what was the question i say i clearly i have the better palate if the competition is to see who has the better taste i have better taste because wade doesn't like tacos and i like delicious food and things.

So I have the better, I have the superior palate. That's my argument. That's fair. The words, that's fair, good point, get written out on screen and then nothing else happens. It's almost like it's waiting for you to finish whatever act you've started. Yeah, I pause for just a second longer

just to see if any other words come up. I take my thumb in my mouth and I use the puff up a couple of the hairs close to where Bob's going to lick to make sure that they're prepared. Wade has now added saliva, his own saliva, to the top of his head. For some reason, you can't understand. When I realize there's nothing else going to pop up on the screen, I make my best effort to lick around the part that Wade just put his own saliva on for some reason. I turn my head to make sure that the part that I did lick hits. I feel the saliva slosh across my tongue and I smack Wade in the face instinctively as I jump back. But tongue made contact with bald bald head. The whole screen cracks and shatters

and all the pieces fall away to reveal a beautiful mirror. A beautiful mirror with a letter written in ruby red lipstick on the top. It's an eye. So it is pointless. Go put eye in the third slot on the door. All right. You put the eye in the whole door. Undulates. Sweat is pouring

out the front of it. It's like a river of sweat that just pools at your feet. Washes over your toes. I pretend like I'm a cartoon character that just had an idea and a lightbulb appears over my head and then turns on and then explodes and I go, HAHA! And then I put the word points

into the door. As you try to reach for the other wheels, they go, they move out of your way. Hey, Bob, I think it might be points. I, yeah, I got that. I'm trying. Could you come over here and help me hold the door down? No, no, no, no, no. Oh, look, so Bob, another puzzle appeared.

Yeah, another puzzle appeared. It's another puzzle. It's really cool. It, like, shines really light. There's a spotlight that kicks on it, and glitter goes out of, like, confetti cannons. Go, boom. Okay. And there's a bowl of chicken wings that smells really good over there.

I think it has something to do with Madonna. Shakira is standing behind the puzzle. Literally, Shakira appears, materializes. Lay, la, la, lay, la, lay. And, like, does this finger wagging motion towards Wade. I'm done. I failed my saves. Whatever save. Constitution

save. I go for it. Alright, you go there. Alright, Wade gets over there and Shakira doesn't disappear or anything. Shakira is putting an arm around Wade's shoulders and like hi. I'm too nervous to speak. I go to speak and i i stutter wow strong silent type but shakira's voice and shakira's accent adios mios but it's shakira

so bob you see wade having a really fun time uh shakira looks like to be so charming and wade is just smitten to high heaven um just having a great time over there at the puzzle. I'm fully charmed. He's so charmed. I walk over, unenthused and kind of angry. Oh, if it isn't third wheel Bob. As you trudge over, as soon as you get to the puzzle, iron bars shoot up around you, locking you in place.

Shakira falls through the floor going, and then is gone. So is it just me in the iron bars, or is it me and Wade in one chamber? It's both of you. Both of you are there, and out of the hole that Shakira fell into, a small table rises up out of it. On the table are two glass vials, one empty, one full of a strange green fluid, and a piece of paper. Here here i'll pour half of the vial in the other glass oh wait hang on wait a second as soon as wade uncorks the top of it a terrible pervasive smell shoots into the air it stabs into both of your noses the iron bars were actually glass and you're in closed space and you flail and flail and you scream in agony as the smell of

farts infects your skin forever and all time and you die yes that's my bit you can't even do that bit that's my bit do we go back to where shakira was with me i choose to give up and stay in purgatory forever i do not elect to rewind no what. No. No. I'm the very good smelling Mark, and I am the very original Mark, and I say you both are forcibly rewound to the point where Shakira just drops through the floor and the table comes back up. I grab

the sealed vial of liquid, ignoring the piece of paper completely. I push it down my throat like a USB drive. I swallow it whole just, and I get it down. The paper or the vial I swallow it whole. And I get it down. The paper or the vial? The vial. The vial filled with goo.

It's now inside of me, but it's still sealed. I take the empty one and I really have to pee, so I fill it up. And then I read the paper. And then you, as soon as you're done pissing and you fill the vial and it spills over actually in your hand, so your own piss just runs over your fingers. Oh, sorry, Bob. I don't have any wet wipes or anything. I just let him do it.

After a few minutes of doing whatever the hell you guys just did, Bob notices a strange feeling in his gut as if the bottle just cracked, and then he feels like the feeling of fart just pervade his entire being. I choose not to breathe. I could probably take it. Bob suddenly has to fart worse than he has ever had to fart in his life. I'm polite, so I aim it out between some of the bars

that are holding us into this little area. They quickly merge, transform into glass again in closed space. All right, then I hold my fart because I'm not a Dirk. I try to read the note quickly while he's probably about to kill me. Ah, yes, the note. Yeah, what's that say?

Let me translate it real quick. I got to please yeah bob this one's an elvish too give me a minute yeah hold on oh i speak that let me look i'll just uh it's it says you must transfer the contents of the vial into the other vial um i lock eyes with Wade frantically, knowing that I won't be able to hold the fart in for very much longer. I dump out the pee and I try to put Bob in the vial. I watch as Wade uselessly doiks the vial off of my chest several times. I grab it from him and I insert it slightly into my butt so that I could capture the fart

that's about to come out. Butt chug the vial. It'll catch up to the other one that you swallowed. No, I just try and fart into the vial while it's mostly outside of me. I try to kick the vial to push it in. You press it tightly against your butthole and you fart into the jar. Works perfectly. And you quickly cap it after you're done i still kick the vial to push it in farted for like 80 seconds yes at least

full 80 and wade is just kicking you in the background being of no help at all you don't know why he's doing it i'm making sure the seal stays intact he keeps saying that to you whether you believe that or not as he's kicking this glass vial repeatedly into your anus. It's fine. I keep a grip on it, right? I hold it and I get it sealed, he said, right? So I pocket that. Yeah, in reality, he was helping you incredibly because the sheer force of your fart was trying to push the vial out of your grip.

And there was no way you could have done that alone. So his kicks actually did save the day. Well, I pocket the sealed vial. I put that in my pocket. You have now a sealed vial of farts and the doors around you, glass or iron bars, shoot back into the floor and then a piece of paper flutters down from the ceiling.

I catch it. Okay, Wade catches it. On it is three letters. Three. Three letters. N T-N-S. It's a puzzle. The last three letters in this order are S-T-N-S. It's a puzzle. The last three letters in this order are S-T-N, Bob. Poiston?

It's, uh, Poitness. I'm pretty sure that spells the word points, Wade. No, T-N-S. T-N-S. No, P-O-I. P-O-I. N-T-N-S. I go to the door and ignore Wade completely

and try one more time to put the word points into the combination lock. You're no fun! I then walk back over to Wade, ignoring whatever the door might be doing. Immediately take the pocketed vial of fart out of my pocket and start trying to shove

it down his throat aggressively. No, no, no, no, no, no! In a wonderful combo that was unlike anything anyone has ever seen, you not only enter the correct code in there, but you manage to step over towards Wade just in time to avoid the doors opening in a flood of fluid, red blood gushing through the gap that would have swept you away, certainly.

So you avoid certain death, and you shove a vial of fart juice into Wade. Do I need to roll anything for that? Or is that just a success? Let me roll for you. Let's see. Is this a contested athletics check? That was a 20.

I'm not joking. You just rolled a 20. I roll against it. All right, Wade's rolling against it. I mean, I have a plus three athletics, too. So you got no shot, man. I'm only a plus one. You got four, Wade.

Wow. You helped me shove it into your own throat. I was like, all right, man, if you're doing it, go for it. So the doors crank open as Wade is... The cabinet and horse get swept away in the tide of blood, never to be seen again. You hear it go... As it, like, disappears into the distance. But Molly would be happy again you hear it go as it like disappears into the distance but molly would be happy i didn't kill any horses when i did this so yeah absolutely

what you hear some ticking occurring while that's happening uh but it doesn't matter uh you see the doors open and sunlight is streaming within it looks like a forest is before you there's trees all around and a path that's moving down it. I'll go left. I'll go right. We'll meet at the end. Wade goes in both directions. Are you going to roll for that?

Yeah. My survival is, I don't know, plus one. All right. You got a 15. So total 16. Wade tries to split himself in half and go down both directions. I was going to send him down one and me down the other, but I guess I said me down both. I go left, I go right.

We'll meet at the end. That's what you said. Bob, what you witness is Wade said, I got this, Bob. He turns around, looks at the fork in the road, grabs himself at the top of the head, splits himself in half before your eyes, flesh and bone rending his grip incredible.

And he pulls himself apart right in front of you. It's a horror show of blood and intestines just flood out on the ground, and both of his halves, like his arms flop down from his head, and both halves slap down onto both paths. You hear a ticking and everything rewinds and undoes that, but Bob, when you come to,

you somehow still have that vision burned in your mind. We got this, Bob. You go this this way i'll go this way this time i look at what weight just indicated what one of the two paths look like there's two paths uh oh i'm sorry are you reading my notes what's going on man uh interesting uh there's no choice it's not a fork in the road it's just straightforward because you you guys didn't give me a chance to say what it was it's just one road that goes forward whether you walk on or not is your choice oh that's just a little gap it's like a roundabout in the past so it's not actually two paths that's yeah i see that bob okay man i really wish i just looked five feet ahead before i split myself in half um but you didn't or you didn't because you don't remember it

but bob does remember that all right i grab bob like we wrap elbows and we skip singing any of the wizard of oz songs while we proceed down this whatever road bob do you agree to this begrudgingly i unenthusiastically sing along i guess i occasionally breathe on him to make sure he remembers what he did to my throat it's not not sexual. It's still sealed in there. So Wade is singing at the top of his lungs, you know, Follow the yellow brick road! Bob is... And you skip and you skip and you skip, and you come to a clearing.

Well, you're on a path, so I guess it's fairly clear. If you were gonna steal the idea, couldn't you at least have done a better job of it? At last, you come across a towering cactus. You're not even gonna respond to that? From which tangle a feather, a compass, and a pocket... Never mind. Let me try that again. All right, you come across a towering cactus

with a coin, a wheel, and a die hanging off of it. Oh, come on! It has choose me carved into the cactus's trunk. Fuck you. I grab the dice. I roll it. It lands a five. I hope it's a D6.

Bob, you roll this. I take the die, and I stare angrily at the cactus and I just huck the die the opposite direction as hard as I can into the abyss. You don't see what the result is, but magically you hear a ding or something. Good job, Bob. Next time you can just drop it. But you know, I take the coin and I lay it down.

So heads is pointing up and I say heads. I pick the coin and I lay it down so heads is pointing up and I say heads. I don't know if that's in the spirit of it, but you do that. All right. And I hand the coin to Bob. I pick the coin up and I put it, I play, put it on my hand and I hold it with my other hand. Then I go with my mouth. I go swing and move my thumb and then I pass it from hand to hand, rotating it

and feigning that it's spinning through the air. And then as I'm spinning it, I look and I set it gently down on the ground so that heads is facing up again. And I quickly go, tails! I tried to mimic Bob's voice and say tails before he could say heads. Let me do a performance check. I'm pretty good at performance. I have a plus four.

You rolled a one! Right as you try to say tails, the vial explodes in your stomach and all that comes out is fart smell. You go, it goes out of your mouth and then you breathe in in shock and it goes right back up your nose

and it cycles around in your throat for a little bit. And you take a point of damage every cycle for about six or seven cycles you gotta be almost dead by now how many how much health you got you had no idea what occurred behind you but you glance over your shoulder and you just see wade just standing like like a like a cat trying to cough up a furball yeah it's just wade being wade over there but you hear a ding that goes and then the coin bursts into flames and burns to ash. Perfect. There's a wheel left over with names written on them.

Between gasps, I just point at the wheel. I go and I take the wheel and as I grab it, I hit the cactus like I'm hitting him in the shins with it really quick. Just a quick like, just as like a fuck you to the cactus. I'm hitting him in the shins with it really quick. Just a quick like just as like a fuck you to the cactus. You do that. Okay and now I have the wheel and so I spin the wheel but with no effort whatsoever I spin it super

slowly and clearly stop it on my name and I go it says Bob. I'm in too much pain so I spin it normally. Oh interesting. Oh god. I don't know why but I went, I typed flip a coin. Wait, no. I'm so sorry.

The wheel mysteriously flips in the air. The whole wheel flips. And it lands face down. Upside down. And you swoosh, swoosh, swoosh. It shatters into splinters. You hear in the distance the word, bah, floats up into the ether.

And then everything in the forest starts to shake. The tree is quaking. And the whole person- I get out my picture of Shakira and watch it shake. Shake until the reality crumbles beneath you and all the trees vanish you're in a plane of pure white shining light oh no i can't be out of ink not now mega tank why do i do this to myself ah what's that printer that comes with 30 times the ink

mega tank yes it's a canon mega phone mega tank it's a Canon. Mega phone? Mega Tank. It's a Canon printer. It comes with like two grand worth of ink. Prints me over 7,700 color pages. Mega Tank. Mega what? Listen to the voice in your head and get a Canon Mega Tank printer so you don't have to think about ink for a long, long time. Visit canon.ca slash megatank for details.

Everything around you is calm and serene. It's both empty and filled with a profanity that you can't explain. You sense a great, powerful being observing you. You feel watched inside and out, observed throughout and through in. It's like when you masturbate for the first time and don't have a sock. Excuse me? What? Nothing. Continue.

You see a great, beautiful man. Long, luscious hair. Okay. I'm already off. Wings or something. And he's descending. No, no wings. No, that's too tacky.

He's descending, floating down before you. He looks at you smiling, his teeth so gleaming in the light. How far down do we have to look to see him? He's descending from on high, so it takes a while. There's music playing. Cherubs dance above his head, blasting horns and trumpets and such. And he looks at you, and he looks at Bob with a kind smile, and you heal, all damage done, just from that smile alone.

Just Bob? Hold on. The being turns over to you, Wade, and looks at you. And when you look back, looks just like Shakira. And all of your wounds heal. The fart is purged from your body. Doesn't sound like her, all of your wounds heal. The fart is purged from your body. Doesn't sound like her, but I'll take it. The fart's put back in your body.

The fart is put back in. It goes out for a second. You get a second of relief. And then the fart's back. And so it's even worse because you caught a glimpse of what freedom was like. Damn it! Friends, you've come so far. You've gone through such an arduous journey.

Such a memorable adventure. Such an original story. I think you'll remember this for all your life. I size up the annoying man who's come down from high, and I think to myself, he looks pretty strong, but he's short. I could probably take him. I reach into my pocket, and I grab the stack of images that are on, like, wooden disc-type things, and I just start hawking them at the guy like ninja stars

as I start running toward him in anger. I follow. My goal is once Bob grabs, I will breathe in this man's nose and mouth. I'm gonna roll you for your shurikens. It's a 16. Is that dex or strength? Which one is that?

I have no idea, but I think it succeeds no matter what. So the wooden discs hit me and they stick in. I go, ouch, ouch. dexter strength which one is it i have no idea but i think it succeeds no matter what so the the wooden discs hit me and they stick in i go i mean this figure this mysterious being ouch ouch ouch ouch and you run sprinting uh screaming at the top of your lungs for some reason you you seem very angry and and the being doesn't know why but it still smiles and and wade you rolled a seven uh you are stumbling over there you keep tripping and falling because you're still trying to hack why, but it still smiles. And Wade, you rolled a seven. You are stumbling over there. You keep tripping and falling because you're still trying to hack up

that hairball. You make it. Get it, Bob! I'll get there! You're about halfway there. You don't quite make it all the way over. And I say, Bob, peace, peace. You? No, the being. The mysterious, beautiful being who's very tall. Very tall. Very tall. Please, Bob, let me explain let me

explain i grabbed the the like lapel like i'm a 1950s era bully and i like pull it up like i'm gonna pick him up by a shirt and then i hold my fist menacingly like this and i say you better get to talking let's see uh that's uh roll the seven so i it you you grab for the lapel but your hand just kind of like slips off it it's like too slippery it's very wet it's moist for some reason you pull your hand back and it's like coated in some weird clear fluid this is like what i remember and wade stumbles up at this point like friends friends friends i made all of this for you i did this so you could have a great adventure and become closer as individuals. And also, if other people were to see these events, they would also respect and admire the creator of this one just as much as they did if there was ever another adventure.

And the creator of this adventure, me, would be lauded and celebrated for all time. For all time. You did this so you could get some Reddit comments? I look increasingly angry as this person continues to speak. I try again to grab and breathe into his

mouth and nose. It's five. God damn it, Wade. Can't you get a good roll? You keep cycling back in. I feel like there's some DM dice maneuvering going on here. I could show you you know. No, no. We don't need any dice of fairness.

I invented that too. Unlike any previous version of whatever we're doing here, there's only winners here. Both of you have passed the test. You've done it! You won! And you know what? Unlike other previous, maybe

more mean hosts, I'm not gonna ask you any questions. I'm not gonna make you do anything. You're good enough just as you are. I've seen your progress of friendship and everything that you've done here. Just makes me smile. Which one of us wins, though? just makes me smile which one of us wins though you both do which one of us loses no no no no one loses so you lose no no i don't lose

i don't know i'm not i'm not we win mark loses i can get behind that that's not the moral of the story here is that feels pretty moral i somehow feel like wade and i are united against some other common enemy here somehow pretty much an agreement here i feel like we're really on the same side against some other third person here if anything well that's fascinating um uh i don't think that's how it it would have gone remember how we're supposed to agree we both win and we didn't agree so it's crazy how that happened uh yeah so i i crossed my arms and start tapping my foot like a like a lady at starbucks who thinks her drink is taking too long and i just start looking really disapproving and i just look and i say can you just open the

door i'd like to go i think everyone here wants to go i think if you could open the door sir while you're disoriented i think you have a stage of disorientation right now and bob just distracted you i'm going to try to get advantage and i'm going to use my inspiration you didn't award me to add to my role to try again to breathe fart into not mark's mouth and nose so i'd like an advantage with an extra d4 added on if i could If I could. All right. A 19. Oh, okay. And then can I roll my D4 to add on or do you already do that? Uh,

I'll do that now. You rolled, it was a one. So it brought you up to 20. I'll take it. All right. So the power of friendship and the power of Wade's smart fart smacks, the wonderful glorious would have given you anything uh did this all for you guys

being that in a burst of flames dematerializes before you like and like skin melting away flesh bubbling acrid smoke falls into the air and like exudes away and you feel like a sense of shame and a sense of that you did something horribly horribly wrong That's overcome with my smugness and happiness So with mere moments left the final bolt unlocks the gateway parts solving the cerebral paradox Victorious spirits grins stretching wide they've mastered the chamber its riddles defied Stretching wide, they've mastered the chamber.

Its riddles defied. Leaving behind no evidence of their quest, they exit the tunnel of perception, passing the ultimate test. You did it! Yay! Bob, whenever we host, should we just call it part one so Mark can steal that one too? I feel like that was already done somehow, some what previous it just feels really familiar and almost like

you copied or somehow no people really i just give the people what they want they wanted they loved the last one yeah no you um people didn't seem to like my uh reign of terror so i was like i'll give people what they want this is kind of like if force awakens was the sequel to a new hope i agree with you yeah exactly anyway did you guys have fun it was a great it was good i have a picture of shakira so honestly i won't complain i don't know it felt a little all over the place if i'm honest no considering how much hard work went into preparing that you could really could tell there was a lot of preparation, but then it just, you know,

you really didn't, kept having to rewind and, Oh no, no. Someone else might've done a better job with that. I didn't really, well, I mean,

you know, look, I, I, well. You could work on your le do le le le le a little bit. You kind of loodled it at one point. I loodled the le le.

So Wade and I win. Is that the end result here? Yes. Yes. You both win. What a, yes. You both win. What a wonderful prize. You both are going to be the host. How wonderful is that?

I think that I am setting a new standard for greatness in this podcast and a new standard. And I think we're opening up the door so that all of us can walk through and be celebrated for all of our contributions to the podcast. What? Did you just give our winner speech? What was that? Um, no, just on behalf of the host,

man, I really retread some things there. I wish I had hosted differently this episode and, uh, sorry, Bob and Mandy for pretty much ripping off your idea. I can't wait for Bob and Wade to host next time. I'm excited to see what they do.

I think that any lawyer would be able to say that this was legally distinct in pretty much every way. It stinked. Look, there's such a thing as transformative art. And you didn't even do a thing with the picture of that butthole. I think that, like, if we compare. I imagined it for a minute. It was Bob. Bob had it.

I guess he threw the picture of the butthole at me. Yeah, I used him as a weapon. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I think, I think that, you know, I think, I think, I think, um, that. Look guys, I've been very busy. Yeah, yeah, whatever. I think everyone who listened and or watched this episode should go to the subreddit and leave a comment with how, how they liked this episode.

Maybe compare one to one with some previous episode if you feel like there's one that draws any comparisons to this just just let mark know if this was good or less good or better than maybe may uh but listen i think that if people went to the subreddit and said their feelings i think they would be like what a glorious adventure that was and it it should be the equal praise to any other adventure that was occurring it was just like i feel like it's been kind of unfair to a certain host of this podcast for a very long time and people haven't uh people haven't looked favorably on the i know an amicable way amicable way to solve this gentle listeners watchers viewers whatever you are figure out what your d your dnd stats are and roll an insight check

and just you know let's say if you get a 12 or higher then maybe you're honest in your opinion if you roll a 12 or lower then hey give mark all that praise he deserves yeah well that's all the time we have for today uh thank you so much for giving me an opportunity uh to present you with everything i've ever dreamed of i worked very hard on this episode i think that everyone will understand it um bob and wade did you give your winner's speech you did i sure did everyone you can find me at markiplier bob and wade you can find them and we'll see you next week for more adventures i think this is opening up a new chapter for us. I can't wait to

see how he hosts our episode. Bob, can you? Oh, I've got some ideas. Okay, good. Do you think we'll actually get to host it or do you think he'll host it for us? No, you got it! You got it! You guys are the hosts. You won. So tune in next time for Bob and Wade's fantastic fun adventure for me and us and all of us.

From the Distractible Family to you. Podcast out. Did all of us from the distractible family to you podcast out did he make us both the winners just so he'd have to win the next one probably