Distractible - Distractible: The Musical

Episode Date: February 27, 2023

The guys star in an improvised musical about... video game news... or anything on the Internet. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Good night, Mama. Life's a trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable, a Wood Elf production. This week, the gents break out the food of love as Mark throws down the lyrical gauntlet. So Bob does a hold down and Wade louses rapping as they accompany their internet gems with their best singing voices. Yes, it's time for Distractible the Musical.

Now, sit back and prepare to be truly distracted and enjoy the show. Hello, gentle listeners, and welcome back or to Distible my name is markiplier i am your host for today and i will be the judge and arbitrator of good quality content of which you guys came here for and the providers of said good quality content are none other than my very good friends bob and wade hello oh that's me baby hey i am one of those two as well which one i don't know the internet tells me i bob but i thought i was wade wouldn't you like to know i would which is why i asked if you can tell me your names i'll give you a point all i'll say is that my wife is commonly referred to by the internet as Molly. And I will say that my dogs are...

That's all I'll say. Oh, you're done. You're done with that. All right, I guess there's no more coming out of that. No points to anybody because I'm still confused. And everybody at home is equally as confused. But what they won't be confused at is how safe they are driving listening to this

there keeps being more posts on the subreddit of people there's one that was like a car was in a second story building it was like ah damn shouldn't have listened to distractible and i'm like please be safe out there driving we know we're unbelievably hilarious at all times and at random times but um be careful out there yeah you know i just gotta i just gotta say mark i'm starting to think some of those stories about car accidents while listening to our podcast might not be truthful what no i'm just getting the sense that it's just so unlikely you know that all those crazy things would happen why is it always something bad that happens when they're listening can't they like laugh so hard they cured world hunger or something why is it gonna be a car accident i don't know i could think of probably reasons why that wouldn't connect or correlate dane cook

has been doing comedy for almost two decades okay if that was possible he would have figured it out already we're funnier than dave just any random dave dane dane dane Dane Cook. Dane Cook. I don't listen to He was washing a dish. He heard a sound when he came out. Washing a dish. All right. There you go.

That's your actual Dane Cook reference, everybody. What's the guy's name with the puppets? Because I always confuse the two in my brain. Jeff Foxworthy.

Yep, that's it. Now I know who Jeff Foxworthy is because he did the I actually don't know who he is other than he did the Smarter Than a Fifth Grader show, but I'm sure he did other things too. I'm sure he did. I'm uncultured.

I suck. I don't think you need to be cultured to know who Jeff Foxworthy is. Well, then I'm not anything. I'm literally nothing, okay? Oh, Mark. Please. Don't downplay the brow of the fox with a humor is so high how else might one know if they might be a redneck my dad was a big fan and uh i had very few cds to listen to and i wasn't

listening to music it was that i believe one coldplay song lincoln park and a jeff foxworthy comedy special that was on my cd that he burned for me to listen on road trips and i did it on loop he did the 1997 espy awards that's what he did got it yeah okay yeah sure that anyway what's everybody remembers that oh i have to look it up now what is the sp awards you don't know what the sps are bro what is that you're on a sports podcast i don't know what that is why would i know what that is it's only the premier awards for sport activities or whatever other than the ones in the individual sports like mvp and stuff that matter these are external sports awards that matter these are the real ones okay right all right i'm i'm derailing

this train of thought even further by asking you what's going on in your lives dare i ask so i have a baby i've brought that up a few times previously and babies like this like to spit up a lot and poop and all kinds of stuff and kind of getting used to it my i just smell like spit up breast milk now 24 hours a day that's my life but i was yesterday we were just hanging out mandy was like holding the baby and then i was in the room and we were just hanging out and i had just i don't remember how recently but like i smelled like baby puke still and you know it's whatever and we're just like taking a breath like ah he's good we're good let's hang out for a minute oh and the dog just walks into the room and is like you assholes

haven't been paying enough attention to me and pukes right in the middle of the room wow what a power move. That is great. I just looked at it and I was like, I forgot you're disgusting too. That's really mixed up my day. All of biology, constantly disgusting. Which we love.

So anyway, I had new puke yesterday. New old puke, but new to me puke. New to me. You know. That fresh new puke but new to me puke new to me yeah you know look at that fresh new puke smell and how wade please derail us more with your life oh uh well this is gonna date the episode a little bit but my surgery got delayed for my shoulder to like now right now since we're done i gotta be in there for the surgery oh my god because my uvula decided to expand and grow which i didn't even know was a thing um it's not i don't think that's a thing when you say it's normal i don't think it's a thing it's happened to people other

than myself where uh i don't know they gave me steroids and an antibiotic and apparently it can be allergy related it could be allergy-related, it could be, like, COVID or strep-related, I guess. I guess just snoring can cause it, which is kind of wild to me. I don't know what caused it. I just woke up, big uvula, kind of choking and gagging, went to the doctor, got stabbed with a steroid, given some more steroids and antibiotic,

and then, like, it took, like, 20 hours for that thing to go down. Great! That's weird. It's awful biology all around for everybody here. yeah non-biology stuff uh i ate dinner yesterday dude me too oh good job i don't remember what it was but it was good ah damn thrilling stuff thrilling stuff well i won't go into any points uh none actually i'm not awarding any points for either i didn't ask for points how many points do i get for not asking any points uh none actually i'm not awarding any points for either i didn't ask for points how many points do i get for not asking uh none none none none i've been accused of being impartial on these things so i'm not gonna bias it by anything wait what okay all right hold on

on the internet impugned your honor they called you impartial is Isn't that a compliment? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

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no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

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no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, some people have accused me of being fair and not biased yes i thought we were assuming that it was a virtue on this podcast to be partial right yes this is there the rules are made up the points are made up it's all about being partial to things well on this one it's going to be completely unarbitrary the points in this episode are going to be purely earned okay on merit quality of the content and therein which means you're setting me up to fail no the objective measure of how high quality some content is got it i've never been considered high quality this isn't fair no no it's fine because it's not about it's not about you guys coming up with it. OK, we're going to go back to our roots here. We're going to do what we started on the three peens podcast, and we're going to report the

hard hitting, quote unquote, gaming journalism. All right. I'll search Soulja Boy. And so what I want from you guys is just to have an open ended discussion where we talk about whatever's on the Internet that interests us, catches our eye. Could be a tick tock, could be an article, could be Soulja Boy update. We're just going to have an open ended discussion. And then by pure merit alone, I will award points, therefore being impartial and unbiased, which I am. All right. Looks like in early January of last year,

Soulja Boy was leaving hip-hop to focus on acting. That's about a year and a month old news. How many points? Ben, you didn't even try to tell that in an interesting way. Oh, the rap on rapping is here. Soulja Boy is gone and he-do-do. Boom. Boom-boom-boom-boom. Soldier Boy is gone and he may not come back. He doesn't want to rap.

I hope he can act. Do-do-do-do. Oh, I don't have more to say. It doesn't sound like the song is over. All right. Well, you failed on that one. That's no points there for Wade.

You had your chance. And unfortunately, you failed on that one. That's no points there for Wade. You had your chance. And unfortunately, you didn't accomplish the song before the music ended. You didn't stick the landing. So I did. I thought I did. Oh, yeah. I thought you were starting into it. You were you were starting there.

And then did you just know how long the song was? This was so spontaneous that I grew another toenail. I gave you the first shot at it. You had a point right in front of you, and you just dropped the ball. So if you didn't pick it up, this is the musical episode. Oh, yay. Distractible the musical. Everyone's favorite part of everything when it's a musical.

This has nothing to do with our roots. I remember. Yes, it's back to our roots. Wait, doesn't that mean Bob can only rap? Oh, I've got a very special song queued up for Bob. Oh, no. Good thing we warmed up at the skill we've definitely used in the last two and a half years. I flex these muscles daily.

So if you guys ever went, anyone listening at home, ever went to one of our tour shows, we had this really fun game that we all loved so much, especially Bob, which is, I think, just called Musical. It's where a song would just start out, random thing you you're saying and you have to make up a song about that. Whatever you were saying. Which is what we're going to do today. So you guys are going to go out and scour the internet. And then I've got a button here. And then when I play it.

We just have to guess how long each song is. I love it. Let's do it. You'll get there. You'll get there. You'll feel it out. I don't have that many songs so okay okay everyone understands oh yeah i guess it's my turn to talk anyway so everyone understand what the game is yes everyone happy about it oh oh yeah yeah maybe happier all right good good good so who's got something well i just want to say i i'm curious how many people out there right now are listening

who are completely unaware of the tour already of the like improv comedy stuff we've done that you know people may have seen and they're like oh are these guys good at singing this is about to be amazing it's just gonna be like like that episode of Game Changers from the college humor people where they did a whole improv musical? Oh, my God. Get your hopes down, everybody. Get your hopes down. It's a hoedown. That's right.

It's the hopes down hoedown. Do you ever start your day wishing it'd be good, well, let me tell you, I don't think you should, cause today on the show, fuck me. Oh boy. Oh man, you didn't land it, that's too bad. It's the Hopestown Hoedown, everybody! I actually would qualify it as you landed it, because you-

Ah, here comes the bias, here it comes. No, you ended the rhyme as the song was ending. Our reality. You gave up halfway through. I didn't know the game. I didn't know and I really hate your guts, but here I am, that guy who always makes a fuss. I must sit here and bitch and moan all day Because that's just the game I will play Hey!

There you go, you did it! Fuck you What? What? What? I meant that as a compliment You did not I did That's what I say to my loved ones Fuck you all No, I- I did. That's what I say to my loved ones, like,

Fuck you, aww. Fuck you, fuck you, and I guess fuck you too. Fuck everyone, everything that they do. Fuck this, fuck that, fuck it, I'm out. So I'm gonna shut up and sit here and pout. Fuck. That was beautiful. That was wonderful. That's another

point for you, Wade. God damn it. What do you mean? You got another point. You might as well settle in, man. This is apparently what we're doing. It's not so bad. It's not so bad. Nothing like going in cold. We'll get to know the songs as we go,

so I'm sure we'll be able to, as it goes, we'll land perfectly right on the end there. I hope it's just the same one throughout the whole fucking... I have some music queued up for you. Look, look, look. I did some work beforehand. I've got a whole show prepared uh but i don't have the content i just don't have the content it's not my job today so i gotta get that

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the 2022 reports are in and the global games market saw a downturn by revenue drop by over 8 billion damn that's a lot billion yeah i mean it sounds like a lot but also the global games market is like 180 180 190 billion dollar market so it's not like catastrophic but all that pandemic spending is over i guess in the games industry yeah well did they have any particular reason behind it? Or was it just that, you know, spending was down globally? Is it like recession? Is it like bad games out? This is more of like a report piece. So there's not a lot.

I mean, I'm sure that when people were trapped inside, you know, and everything was closed and you weren't allowed to go into work and all that stuff, gaming spending just sort of went up naturally because everyone's looking. The biggest market that was hit was mobile games which dropped by like what is it six percent year over year oh that might be the expectation anyway mobile games lost like six billion of the eight billion decrease so no one's buying candy crush you know booster packs or whatever anymore oh booster packs oh i miss the booster packs tell you what when i sit down to play my candy crush all i feel is extra fat but it's okay oh it's over that's gonna do a whole other verse.

You want more? I'll give you more. No, I'm good. I'm done. Give me the point. That's good. All right. Yeah, no, I appreciate that.

I think a spoken word can count. I'm okay with that. No, dude. I love spoken word. It's the only thing I ever got to practice when we did the singing stuff. For some reason, I never sang. I can't tell you why. Dan! stuff for some reason i never sang i can't tell you why dan fucking dan

okay we're doing this yeah dan sucks i tell you what man he's got his big stupid butt it's okay though i'm okay though It's not a big potato And also Fuck I hate this I surrender this one I surrender this one I wasn't prepared to do an angry rap Thanks Wade

See Wow this goes on Way longer than the other ones It shouldn't have wait I might have queued up the wrong one there I thought I cut a short version of it I think I played the full version I got tears in my eyes

I'm choking to death over here man fully seized up on that one because that was just like war flashbacks I apologize for that one that That was my fault. I inserted the wrong one or I didn't cut it at the right length. It was perfect. Unforgivable. Oh no, yeah.

That one was way too long. I apologize. Let me fix that. Yeah, please. I need a moment to breathe. You did great though. You did great though. I'm really proud of you. Okay. I'm really proud of you okay i'm really proud of you i'm a hit song fuck you dan stupid dan stupid dan two of our songs have just been fuck oh boy okay uh let me re-render that one

sorry technical difficulties i like to imagine there's friend groups out there that get together and just one of them has like music ready to play and they have an understanding that if music plays one of them has to sing yeah why not okay all right i can breathe again i'm good life's fine well i can breathe again boy it feels great wasn't expecting to sing uh this late don't know what to say because i barely can breathe so shut the fuck up me i'm gonna leave that was beautiful that was great yeah yeah you want to try the rap one i definitely exhaled right before so that was all like needing air all right i've i've acuted that they're all now the roughly the same length uh just so you

know perfect all right so thank you for that on the mobile gaming market as bob described it is tough out there for those poor poor mobile gaming companies to make more money on those microtransactions oh who knows why have you guys seen dwarf fortress uh i know of it yeah apparently it's had like a resurgence and i guess they changed it to where it's not i don't know what it was before but i think it was like the inspiration for rimworld um like colony building and it's apparently super crazy in depth and now it has like a good visual component to go with it so i've been kind of watching people play through it it looks pretty intense but fun if you like that style of game yeah i've heard of

dwarf fortress but it's it's always been told like it is the most complex game you could play and i'm like i don't feel like learning an entire discipline to be able to play this game, right? I mean, that's fair, too. Yeah. I can't even get into Oxygen Not Included that deep because I just don't have time to learn all the systems. I've still never progressed any more than just the initial base. And then they eventually die from food or heat.

I've never played Oxygen Not Included, so I don't know how it compares to like Don't Starve and whatnot. But that style of game seems like it would suit you. It does. It does. It's just like I don't I don't have time anymore. Like, when would anybody have time? Like, with all the crap I got to do.

But anyway, that is interesting. That's fair. When would gaming content creators have time to play games? What? I don't have time! Oxygen not included is not three scary games, okay? Wade. Yeah. Come on, come on that's true three horror games look i record videos for the channel and those are fun but when it comes down to like

relaxing i'm not gonna be like i i don't have time to really kick up and the last thing i want to do is go into my recording room and play a game this is occasionally something i'll do like i i played through i've already beaten dead space but i'll do. I played through, I've already beaten Dead Space, the remake, but I played through it again on my own on Impossible and I was like, oh man, it was just fun. But that was about the last time that I actually had time to do something like that.

No, it makes sense. I just didn't know if you all had heard of it. I haven't played it myself for similar reasons, but it is fun to watch and seems cool. It's fun to watch? Dwarf Fortress? Yeah. I think think so i enjoy that kind of game i think you guys i don't know if you're watching because you're afraid the only the only thing i've ever you know no way i'm only speaking in exclamations are the only way that I Can get across the points that I am trying to make

It's so sad for me So sad for me he keeps going this way for me it doesn't resolve at the end that's really sad for me also exclaim it Bob wow

I didn't know you were so heartfelt about speaking exclamations you're really gonna let that end on the whole. That was Wade. That was Wade. Didn't know that you liked exclamations so much. But here I'm going to give you a touch about the things that I'm thinking in my mind. So sit down on that nice behind and listen.

Exclamations are good listen that's it it's so strange having a default amount of time for song versus just like the feel when dan would like play it through i like the added added challenge. I have fucking funny endings. Cause yeah, it's normally like you could wave at Dan when you're about to finish. I have the full songs. Also, if you guys want to play it like that, I think this is fine for our podcast.

Flashbacks of us doing like improv, just like practicing, doing, doing, uh, exercises and stuff. And the people in the scene or whatever uh exercises and stuff and the people in the scene or whatever are going and going and everyone behind is just standing watching like

no one is clapping no one is ending it and the guys in the scene are just like and this i'm dying i've said they're like a tear streaming down their face just wanting the song to end. I can't handle it. Fuck you. Who was it? I can't handle it. Jesus Christ. Please end the song. Wasn't ready And

Someone pulled my Thong God I Hate this Every song can't be about how much I hate this. Every song can't be about how much we hate this. So much. Well, it's not my fault. The cue was right when I was talking about being sad about exclamations.

There's three fucking songs about exclamations. I guess we should talk about more interesting stuff. Yeah, exactly. Where's the content? Do you guys ever play Call of Duty? They recently, as of this being released, will have revamped their multiplayer and online stuff to make Warzone less about camping, in theory, right?

That's nice. Go back to 1v11 that's gaming news for those that care that is gaming news that's very good gaming news i don't play warzone what's the appeal i have mixed feelings about pvp there most times i want to avoid it like the plague i enjoy the co-op experience with friends but sometimes i'll get the itch to play with friends i won't play a game like that by myself it It's just not fun. But there is like a shared camaraderie about playing a game like that with a full team of people you know. Because it kind of feels like PvE at that point.

Like PvP against friends, I never want to do. Like ever. Even doing like simple things like board games or whatever. It's just like eh. But cooperative experiences and occasionally PvP as long as it's a cooperative experience with your friends. I can enjoy I don't know It's just an added challenge and it feels good when you win

But most times you walk away feeling like oh man if only that circle had come to me stuff like that Oh if only that circle had come to me, maybe we would be swimming in victory But we lost and we got our asses kicked! So guess I'm gonna get whipped with this big stick! Ouch! I love it. Thank you. Thank you for that. Dammit. What do you mean, goddammit? This is winning you the game!

Uh, thank you, thank you. I'm more- I feel like I think of ideas after the song ends and it's like, Fuck, I should've rhymed that word. Oh well, don't worry, you'll have another chance. Improv. But I gotta give a... Y'all ever wondered if this podcast is scripted? Just listen to the shit that we're spitting out. Ah, man, I

never checked in with Will if this is gonna work right because I'm recording it also to my audio. There's no music for the audience? They're just like, what the fuck are they talking about? No, no, no. I gotta it recorded. It is in here. It's just overlaid on top of mine, so my laughter can get in the way of it. But I think it'll be fine.

Bob, what have you scoured the internet for? I just found a headline, and that's pretty much it. But I wanted to read the headline, because I think it's really funny. Uh-huh. Man arrested, but motive still unknown in dallas zoo monkey theft what a 24 year old man is accused of taking two monkeys from the dallas zoo he has been arrested and charged i it doesn't say that but i assume he's been charged he has also been linked to the escape of a small leopard,

an opening in the fence of another monkey habitat inside the Dallas Zoo. Did you guys hear about this? The Dallas Zoo is having a bunch of animals like getting out and doing weird stuff. No, no. So one day there was, this was like in the last month, one day there was a headline that was just like, there's a leopard missing in the dallas zoo

it doesn't seem to have like escaped the park or anything but they don't know where it is it turned out it was just hiding in a bush like near its enclosure or whatever but it just escaped and everyone was kind of like huh that's weird and then like a few days later like within the next week some monkeys escaped from a different habitat elsewhere in the zoo. And so everyone was just like, what the hell is happening at the Dallas Zoo? Why? What is this with the animals escaping? Apparently it was this dude who was trying to steal some monkeys.

That's bizarre. I mean, why is it like some activist thing? Because that's usually what I hear about when like animals are released from a zoo or something. Nah, it's like the opposite of that. This guy who is... It's the opposite of what you think. I know you saw the two monkeys and you're like, why does he stink? It wasn't me.

I tried to save them. I stink because they poop in their hands and... Fuck them. God damn it. I couldn't get the last rhyme in there. Shit. Anyway, it wasn't me, but the student

who's arrested for being suspected of stealing the monkeys has also already been implicated in other animal trafficking type crimes. So he's a repeat zoo. He's like an exotic animal smuggler,

dealer, potentially or something okay the only info is that he was he was cited at another house for some sort of illegal exotic animal activity you know what that reminds me of weirdly enough and i think everyone kind of forgot it because of all of the pandemic but you know how um the tiger king came out as a documentary and that's all everyone could talk about the other part of that revealed that there's this huge network in every single state all around us happening all the time of exotic animals just being traded hands in a pseudo legal way it's like i personally know that that's true because growing up we had a family friend who had a permit to have exotic animals and so they used to bring over like their baby mountain lion or baby spotted leopard to play with our cat like our house cat and uh we got the police called on us for throwing

jungle parties because this like baby mountain lion climbed a cat i climbed a cat climbed a tree the neighbors apparently called the police saw one mountain lion cub and was like oh they're having a jungle party the police literally show up it's like we got a report of a jungle party yeah so uh but yeah he had a poisonous snake some mountain lion serval named uh serval was really cool i love the serval i don't know what that is what is that it's like a cat it's like a medium-sized cat with like really big ears and kind of a smaller head how in all of the history of this podcast have you not brought up your jungle party story jungle party neighbor i wasn't at the house my mom told me about it after the fact that was over my grandparents but like listen we had the police call us a lot so i forget sometimes

oh when specific incidents but yeah i mean it was literally just over swimming in the pool. And then like it was on a leash, but like climbed up into like a tree a little bit. And I guess one of the neighbors was like, oh, this leash tiny kitten's going to destroy the neighborhood. I better call the police. Little kitten's gonna wreck up our house little kittens gonna kill my mouse better run from that jungle party wasn't very smarty of me to try to rhyme with jungle party kitty on the loose man if only there were worse at word with party God look

You didn't rhyme don't fucking judge me For missing one god damn it But that's the fun part of this The bad part is when you get picked Yeah exactly You have to try and rhyme things Which is so hard I want to explore the pirate voice you slip into

When that song comes on You mean his rapper persona? That's my rap voice. Right, right. I apologize. I'm so sorry. That's my rapper pseudonym, Lil Minion. Next time you get in with the rap one, it's just like,

Ah! Walking down the street. Left-back leg, west-back in. Jungle party. I only got one feet you know oh man yeah okay all right so uh yeah i can't believe that you held back your your your jungle party i have to save some stories for moments like this i just i love the idea that that's something that the cops have to respond to a lot and that the the cop who got that call had like a flashback to the last time where he's like knocking on the door and the door opens and like the song welcome to the jungle is playing

and you hear like record scratch and the person's the door like oh well hey uh what's up officer how's what seems to be the problem uh we got a report of a jungle party. Just checking that out. From deep in the house, you just hear... Kyle's like, oh, shit. It's happening. It's happening again. Sorry, that's just Tim. Tim's very sick. He just coughs weird.

We're just watching Planet of the Apes. It's fine. Very sick. Yeah, stop mocking us, Ginny. Mocking us. I don't think people can have birds. Not as part of a jungle's legal yeah you can we had a blue and gold mccall yeah exactly the jungle party you have to be representative you have to have the birds the bugs the mammals the other types of living things so many things that live and breathe Hard to think of them all up my sleeve

So I named the birds and I forgot the fish So gonna leave and say fuck this Alright, Mom, I'm gonna give you one warning. You've ended all your songs with fuck this. Well... And I'm gonna call you out on it. I'll give you a point on that one, but you're on thin ice. I want a recount of all of my uh endings i'm pretty sure they didn't all end with fuck this that's too many for my my taste if i'm

remembering it don't make me pull out another fuck song i'll do it all right so other than that uh i forget what what brought that up i oh yeah the dallas article of the dallas zoo so yeah they just had like a series of animals kind of escaping, but then just being in the zoo and nothing seemed to really happen except two emperor tamarin monkeys were, oh no, those are the ones that escaped. What kind of monkeys did this guy steal? That's the real question. I have no idea. All I remember is the time that I went to the Cincinnati Zoo, which is a lovely zoo, by the way, i we went to the monkey exhibit and um one of the chimpanzees pooped in its own hand and then popped that turd right in its mouth right in front of us and i went ah that's that's such a good uh that's such a good mislead though you're standing there

looking at it poops in its hand and you're like oh god maybe it's good for its teeth there's a solid glass in front of us and then he eats it he's like you thought i was gonna throw it at you didn't you idiot oh yeah no we do other stuff with poop too yeah i don't remember anything about that day but that is burned into my brain for the rest of my life i wish it wasn't well enjoy the memory i will i guess in a similar not the same because it's not animals but in in a similarly weird pattern of events. Have you guys heard the two people that have been diagnosed dead in funeral homes have not, in fact, been dead recently? I don't think.

Do you get diagnosed with dead? Well, someone declares you dead. A doctor is like, you're dead. It's a medical diagnosis. Died of dead. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Did you ever get that notion in your head? You're feeling sick? You're feeling woozy? You're feeling like you can't get to sleep but you're just going crazy? Well, it turns out you died of dead. It wasn't all in your head. Mine are all just folksy guys saying things with background music I don't

the shock of it prevents me from singing I think you want more rap Bob needs more rap yeah well he's well practiced in it but yeah apparently in Iowa I don't I think it was a woman that was mistakenly pronounced dead and then like a couple of days later the same exact thing happened where like they were pronounced dead and then like a couple hours later like oh shit this person's not dead uh i think the

second one was in new york so thankfully it wasn't the same funeral what did they figure that out mid autopsy what what what is the deal how do you not know if someone's dead i think they were declared dead they were at the funeral home then a few hours later someone's like hey is that dead body breathing i guess the answer was yes in fact it was whoops that's a special kind of whoops yeah i don't i don't know how i would respond to that if because it getting to the funeral home isn't that quite a few steps after the hospital declares them dead maybe they are well in new york they were at a nursing home i guess it wasn't a funeral home so in new york it was in a nursing home in iowa a iowa care facility mistakenly pronounced the a 66 year old resident dead and then transported them to a funeral home

where they woke up gasping for air weird so they were at a care facility already not a hospital and so it wasn't hospitals that screwed up it was a care facility and then a nursing home weird so apparently they take good care of our elders and we should trust them implicitly all of them i'm sure there's good ones out there but be careful because apparently some of them might just be like oh she hasn't moved in like three minutes i guess we can just say they're dead. Let's bury them. Yeah, I mean, it's a shovel, Richard.

Dig it. Hit the shovel and go dig a hole. They're dead. There's nowhere to go. You know, they're not been breathing for a minute So let's go and dig right in and dig a hole They're alive Well done, well done So yeah, that's depressing

How's that related to the gaming world? It was just news I mean, it was related to gaming as monkeys, I guess But you know, how's that related to the gaming world? It was just news. I mean, it was related to gaming as monkeys, I guess. But you know, that's fine. Not that you're biased or anything, but I guess Bob's zoo related gaming news is very different than my funeral home. I thought of zoo tycoon as soon as he said that. Okay.

What about fucking funeral assistant game? Mortuary assistant, huh? Oh, you're right. You're right. I'm i'm wrong i take back everything i said suck my rapping dick i don't want to okay that's fair all right wrapping around wouldn't you like to know i guess not all right i think about it for more than a moment yeah all right bob what's the new in your world uh well you know in video games everyone's always wondering if something is a fish or not turns out in california a bee is a

fish maybe what wait hold on this is not necessarily like excuse me news of this exact moment but over the last few years there has been an ongoing debate in the california courts over whether or not bees are fish yeah i yes i've too wondered i'll explain it but why do you think it would be important for a bee to technically be a fish wow is there some law that offers fish protection that bees would need a lot of fish protection laws on the books as we all know i don't know you asked i'm guessing actually you're you're actually dead right. Oh, shit. There is a wildlife conservation law or set of laws on the books in California. I don't know how it's structured. Basically, there's a law that says it protects native species or subspecies of birds, mammals,

fish, amphibians, reptiles, or plants. Nobody thought to include insects as one of the main categories in that but the definition under this law the definition of fish includes non-specifically invertebrates interesting because you know there are like crustaceans and invertebrates that live in the in the ocean and in waters and stuff but also technically insects are also invertebrates so legally because and this is specifically because there's an activist group who's tried to get bees protected because, you know, bees pollinate flowers. That's kind of a huge issue right now that all the plants are going to die because the bees are dying and the bees aren't going to be around to cross pollinate them or whatever.

That whole thing. Yeah, that little thing. End of the world stuff. So there's a group that's trying to get bees technically classified as fish so that they can fall under the protection of this important conservation law. Would the world really end if bees are gone? I've heard this a lot. I never looked into like exactly like a collapse, but I don't know the details, but I think if I remember like bees pollinating flowers and trees and things is like what leads to them fruiting or what helps them fruit more

effectively so like it would be an unbelievable impact on like our food plant ecosystem if bees no longer existed to cross-pollinate things and to help plants do what they need to do so then we can eat them but i don't know the details i think that's something like that is the problem i've heard they're very important for that kind of thing but i don't know how devastating it would be i don't want to know hopefully bees are fish and all is good right i hope bees are fish and they get saved oh man that one almost died a quick save i don't know if that made a lot of sense but go save the bees and use their incense to summon them! I was reading an article that came out. Like, oh, how important are bees? Music. Oh shit!

I know, I, you were about to land it with incest what did what did you say at the end to summon them yeah you summoned them i don't know if i'm shaking this is the final word final line he did it as much or more than we've been doing it all right thank you that's fair enough you get the point i didn't know how cut throat our musical points were gonna be well you landed it but then you added more words bees or fish go California you know what to do yeah we know what's going on here how hard would it be just to

we know what's going on here with the bees and the fish let me drink a beer let me look at that the bees are in the air look at that look at beer now i don't care are they fish no they're just bees bobby kasabi Bobby Kasabi he's the good Bobby this is how I talk now now you ruined it

never gonna stop now no I can't stop won't stop it's just the depression that was bleeding into your voice towards the end you know what though I think I after all the time we did that on the tour,

I always felt like I'd never figured out how to rap. I found my rap persona. Oh, yeah? It's like a whiny, depressed voice. It's not like, ugh, yeah. Lil' Harold.

I'm drinking beer. Now I don't care. I don't know what style of rapping that is, but that's me, man. Sad white guy. Oh, it's deprapped. I just came up with this new idea.

I thought to myself, whoa, what an idea. I didn't really do good. I've been right there. But I am bald, meaning I have no hair ideas. I love this. I have no hair! Ideas! I'm still fucking laughing, you asshole! Don't make me laugh! The coughing through the middle to try and get through it is my

new favorite tool. I was laughing before the fucking music came on! Great ideas! The attempted fucking murder made me stay up and fucking laugh. Okay, well, good job. Good job. All right. We got enough time for maybe one, maybe two more news articles.

Who's got them? Well, do you know the game Sea of Thieves that we played? Or like the pirate boat sailing style game? Yes, I know of the Sea of Thieves that we played or any like the pirate boat sailing? Yes, I know of the Sea of Thieves. Well, unrelated to that game, but in the same style of thing, a sailor was rescued after being adrift in the Caribbean for 24 days. And you know, sailors, they're on boats just like people in that game, video game Sea of Thieves. Yeah, good. He apparently survived on this sailboat by eating

ketchup garlic powder and seasoning cubes wait i'm sorry hold on what a colombian navy rescued a man from dominica this is from uh npr uh who was trapped out in the caribbean on a sailboat for 24 days just adrift eating like condiments basically to survive for over three weeks yeah he happened to find a drifting box in the ocean and a big stencil said condiments on the top of it i don't know where he got the condiments i'm assuming he had them he probably had them on his boat he was uh oh i thought he was a drift oh i thought he was a drift he was a drift on a sailboat oh okay all right i missed that. I missed that part. I apologize. That's my bad. He apparently scrawled the word help in English on the boat's hull, which officials said was

key to his rescue. Dude, three weeks living on ketchup and garlic powder? Well, at least he had plenty of water to drink. Yeah. I don't know if that's how that works. Oh, no. The ocean's made of water. I know that.

Yeah. Come on, man. The ocean is made of water. I know that. Yeah, come on, man. The ocean is made of water. I can't argue that. You're right. Uh-huh. Irrefutable logic knowledge. You're right, you're right. That was for Bob.

I know things. That's how I know them. They're in my brain, and I say them, and now they're going to the news, to the moon, out in the world, and if you don't believe them, well, they're going to the news, to the moon, out in the world. And if you don't believe them, well, then you're just a girl. Excuse me? Just a what? I don't know.

I was trying to match the type of insult with the type of person I was being, so calm down. Oh, okay. That was fake Bob. It was a character voice. That was not me. It was a character. Got it. Because, you know, being a girl is bad.

That's an insult, obviously. Everybody knows that, right? We here at Distractible do not believe that. I don't remember that one. Wow, you back? Man, your evil twin stepped in for like 30 seconds. I got hacked by the Chinese balloons, guys. Oh, nice segue.

I hope you like riding on two wheels. Segues do that. Oh, man. Nice meals. Go eat some food while you're riding around. Oh, look, balloon. I hope it gets found. That was beautiful. Thank you. Jesus beautiful. Thank you.

Jesus Christ. Thank you. Alright. Is there any last bits someone dare say before we close out this beautiful episode? What did you say, Wade? Not a thing.

Interesting. I can't believe he didn't trigger a song off that. I thought that was a trap did you say wade not a thing interesting okay i believe he didn't trigger a song off that i thought that was a trap for sure yeah no my ways are mysterious that was a trap yes you'll never know that was a trap i thought that was a trap all right any more interesting things in the world? And yes, relate them to a game that I would know. Oh, Mark, you know how video games often take place in space, perhaps like your new current favorite one, Dead Space. Well, get this.

Some SpaceX debris landed on an Australian sheep farm. What? Apparently, there are some photos and it's not like, you know, a whole capsule or anything, but, you know, maybe a two foot by four foot hunk of spaceship material of some sort. Just landed on a farm in Dalgety, New South Wales in Australia. I thought that it was all the reusable rocket. Is there parts that are, I guess there might be like small pieces. It was apparently a part of the SpaceX Crew-1 trunk capsule.

I don't know if there's a capsule or a part of the Crew-1 module that like ejects at some point or maybe it came off accidentally at some point. I don't know. Huh. Well, that's interesting. Anyone hurt? Sheep killed? It's apparently the largest recorded piece of junk to land in Australia since 1979

when Skylab, the enormous 69 metric ton US space station, fell to Earth and landed on Australia. Oh my god. That can't be true. We landed in Australia since then. Oh!

Oh! I did have that same thought though so that's okay good it's funny all right well I guess yeah so it's bad was that related enough to games for you sir it was very why are you gonna have an attitude man

sorry oh geez I'm really sorry, ma'am. I'm just looking around. I think I dropped a ham. It's a big family dinner coming up, don't you know? Oh, there's the ham. Oh, look. I've got to go. Sorry.

All right. Okay. Squeaked one more point in there for Bob. All right. I'm going to bring this to a close. Is that a trap? It might be. Are you sure? That's a trap. Is that a trap?

All right. That could be a trap. Thank you so much for participating in this wonderful exercise. I applaud all of your singing. It was incredible. I couldn't have done better myself, and I know that for a fact fact because we've done this on stage and i've definitely uh done terribly with that being said i am tallying up the points do you guys have any uh guesses as to who the winner is i honestly think wade well based on previous biases and the subreddits constant reminders um i'm gonna guess

bob wins by about two okay i'm pretty sure i'm pretty sure wade wins by about two. Okay. I'm pretty sure Wade wins. Yeah. Depending on how you did or did not give points, I think Wade had way more songs than I did. Really? Yes. Yes. That's so weird.

I felt like it was the other way. No, Wade, you won with an astonishing, what is this, 12 points to Bob's seven. Really? How many songs did I do? A lot. A lot. A lot. There was one segment where I was talking about my thing, and you got like three songs.

Wow. He just kept coming in with zingers. I just couldn't stop it. Yeah. Yeah. Wade has the one-liners. Yes. I like how we didn't establish this as the rule, but based on our improv, we knew that like the line leading into the song was what we had to base the song on.

Just how our improv worked. That's how that game works. Well, right. But like the rules, the audience, like, you know, we didn't make that clear, but we just knew. We knew. Yes. Yeah.

You definitely knew. Now the audience knows too. If the music starts playing immediately following you saying something very funny sounding and or exclamatory, you now have a duty to sing a song about what you were just saying. It's more of a life rule, really. You heard that. And if you want to punish your friends out there, just play music whenever they say something and expect them to follow the rules.

If you want to be the most insufferable group of friends sitting in the Applebee's eating dinner, carry around a little key fob with those songs queued up on it so that at any moment you can force your friends to sing a song improvised about whatever they were saying. Everyone's sitting. Oh, I hate those guys sitting over there. Why do they keep singing? I'm pulling out my hair. It doesn't make sense to bring songs with you like that.

I get smelled. I get the chance. I'll punch a plant Well done So I went it just so happens that that was the squad twin couple Sex couple six pointer of a whammy. I can't believe it. No no This is one way. It's just one. Wade, you still won. Would you like to give a winner speech? Yeah, I'd like to thank everybody out there for listening.

And if you got to this point, despite our terrible singing, good for you. Love to thank Mark for allowing us to warm up. I'm up My voice wasn't ready And I might just go through This That's why he always wins it's the positive attitude attitude. This one's so much longer! It is. Because it's slow! Gotta get your slow moves in. The emotion!

And it ends so abruptly for you, so you know when it's coming. You have to become the whale, Wade. What? I get that reference. I get it. That is a deep cut from something that literally only us and three other people know that happened. Oh. I don't blame you for not remembering that one. And that's the six pointer where I lose. Yeah.

References. Yeah. All right, Bob, you have loser speech? I have one question. Yes. How's that fancy uvula doing, Wade? Really nice and looking forward to doing a bunch of singing and rapping for a while there. Well, I was told to take about seven to ten days easy on the throw, so I'm sure it's great.

Oh, man, I love that before this, one of you said, like, oh, man, we're off the hook this week. Mark's hosting. You have to just kick back and relax. Something nice and easy. No, no. You guys did great. Thank you so much for participating.

I think this was a delightful episode. Everyone listening, I hope you enjoyed it. Bob, you can find him at MySkirm. And Wade, you can find him at LordMinion777. Or Lil Minion, as his rap debut will surely take place soon. Oh. Yeah. Oh.

Mm. Yeah. My name is Mark Blyer. Thank you so much. Be sure to like, follow, subscribe, whatever it is, to stay up to date with new podcasts. Join the subreddit. We have merchstore.distractablepodcast.com. And we'll see you next week sing us

out mark i can't sing us out i only pout i've got no talent in or out where am i going what am i doing oh my god it's almost snowing! Podcast out! After three hours of attempting, the narrator realized he still could not sing. He would disappoint his bosses. Good job. They were so wonderful. And let him slide on that one?

Um, hopefully see you next week on Distractible.