Distractible - Don't Laugh

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

Wade creates a new point system pitting Bob's laughter against Mark's laughter. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production. And this week, Wade sets a caddish challenge for his fellow incorrigibles, for it shall be a clash of the titters. Mark and Wade will be tasked with resisting the lure of mirth, and to entice it from their opponent. Bob derides the last son of Krypton, while Mark extols the virtues of the web-slinger. And Mark then admits to his penchant for perching to avoid a urinary Niagara Falls, and Bob reveals Mark's proclivity for ovens. Yes, it's time for Don't Laugh. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted, and enjoy the show.

Hey everybody, welcome back to Distractible. I'm your host today, Wade, as I won last week. I'm joined by my friend... Hi, Wade. Hey. I'm joined by my friend... Hi. Hi.

Hi. Mark and Bob. Hi, Wade. Hey. Hey. Or should I call you Mr. Who Won Last Week? Mr. Who Won Last Week. That is me i am mr who won last week and the way this show works to everybody out there if you're new here for some reason and you started

in this episode is one of us hosts an episode the other two compete for points uh which can be assigned for any reason the host deems worthy uh and whoever ends up with the most points or at least if the host wants the one with the least points to win wins Kind of confusing ultimately It doesn't really make sense. We all just kind of decide the way Hey, hi. Hi, you're doing great, buddy. Thank you. Thank you. And for those of you out there listening Um guys a plug ears for a minute. This is just for you Alright everyone. We have a new fun thing today. Today's challenge that the boys don't know is don't laugh.

I've got a list of topics here. And every time Bob laughs at one of Mark's jokes, Mark gets a point. Every time Mark laughs at one of Bob's jokes, Bob gets a point. Anytime anybody laughs at one of my jokes, well, I don't get any points. So I'm not going to give myself the win. So really, this is just Bob making Mark laugh, mark mark making bob laugh helping mark they don't know their goals to not laugh though so let's see how much they do should we actually plug our ears i can just take my headphones all right you guys can listen now you guys can listen now you're good

oh wait let's listen or not listen what happened uh neither you you already missed it whatever i had to say is already gone that's okay very confusing yeah i know but uh you know how you guys doing i'm supposed to start the episode over you we can do that no one has to know how bad you screwed it up no did you mess up oh no no it's going exactly according to plan it's okay you don't have to mess we're hey we can redo it over yeah i'll do that i would do that for you. Ah, it's perfect. I'm very happy. No, the listeners got everything they needed and you guys have everything you need. Okay.

Which is friendship. My week is good. Yeah. You asked how we're doing. I did. I'm good. I'm 3D printing now. It's my new hobby.

And I printed a double screw. A two-way screw. Dude. How do you reprint a two-way fridge? It's like I'm half-joking with the left, but actually I just love the cosmic irony that everything inevitably goes back to Bob's fridge and nothing will ever- I fucking love that everything in my life is about refrigerators now. I'm so glad that's what's happening. I just like to reflect what the viewers feel i'm a viewer man you know if you ever start a shop and it's not named bob's fridges you know you're never

you're never ever gonna live that down uncle bob's fridge emporium you don't even sell fridges listen if i didn't do it they were gonna ask if it doesn't make sense it's probably because you don't listen hard enough to this podcast. Jerk. Which they don't. We've had many hilarious hijinks since the interim between that and our heyday of Bob's Fridge. Yeah, that's why. That's the thing. I guess it's a good thing because it means new people are listening.

My favorite is when someone just for the first time listens to the Fridge episode and is like, Did you get your yard fixed. Like that was half a year ago, man. That's like, I'm not dealing with that or even thinking about that anymore. But every time some new person listens to that episode, it's like,

it just happened just right now. Actually at this point, that is almost an entire year ago it is yeah yeah it was last july yeah and by the time this comes out it'll be mid-june yeah maybe this july we'll have a sequel right you're gonna have another appliance buddy okay gotta get an oven now hope they don't burn down my house i mean maybe this is a like uh spoiling a little too much but we had seriously talked about me coming out there and doing another drowned man styles but then it started to get real old like constantly about your fridge listen uh but we

we can still do it if people want what they want our Our listeners have taste and are savvy. No, no, no. They know what's funny. Bridges? Bridges are in. You're thinking of Go My Favorite Sports Team listeners, the classiest of the bunch. Nice plug.

Did you know that they think they're better than us? Did you know that the people over at Go My Favorite Sports Team thinks that they're better than us? Did you know that? You're one of them. Yeah, I heard that you were going to fight you. Yeah, that asshole thinks that he're better than us did you know that you're one of them yeah i heard that you were gonna fight you yeah that asshole thinks that he's better than me i i asshole think i am better than i there's no way i'm gonna stand for this asshole thinks they're better than this me us self me asshole me i'm think me no good me ask me something only the real ones will remember that bullshit i know right i know

classic plastic classic i guess it could be plastic did you say plastic i heard plastic i said classic i'm hercial the crazy prospector you think you know us, but you do. Oh, man. Yeah, no, those were the days, guys. Those were the days. What did you ask, Wade? Did I answer your question? Yeah, wait, what was happening? Did I miss something?

I said, how are you guys doing today? And y'all have been, we haven't even started yet. That's how I'm doing. I'm good. I'm good, man. But yeah, I'm glad you guys are doing great. Good. That's how I feel right now well i guess to

to let you in on a little bit of what i told the audience we're gonna have multiple topics again today but i will tell you two it is not about secret words so you don't have a fish no no it is not grouper fish not about words cod a school of fish. Salmon. Dolphins. Fighting Nemo. Swimming upstream. School of fish communicating with signals. Le petit mort. Great. You guys are doing great.

Getting points. Tell me when I get points. Yeah, tell me when I get points. Don't tell him. Tell me when either of us gets points. All right. Tell him when I get points. No, he can tell me and I'll tell you when you get points.

Yeah, don't tell me anything. I don't want to know anything. I will announce the points for each round at the end of each round okay so once we finish each round that's when you'll know how the points stand okay nothing has started yet so we have no points assigned yet or maybe that's a lie yeah maybe it's all deception nope that is not a lie i would tell you if we had points assigned we do not currently have points. You have to tell us if you're a cop Okay, I'm not I mean the liar. Oh, we can we can jump into our first topic now. So Okay, what are we doing? Just be creative have fun with it. Our first topic I want you guys to talk about is okay. What are some of the worst superpowers superheroes could have worst farting super farting isn't that the power of

one of the guys in mystery men extreme flashlands i've never seen i don't know isn't one of the literally one of the mystery men isn't his superpower farting what if you have such intense premature ejaculation you ejaculate backwards in time that'd be a bad superpower yeah i guess you would never really move forward in time you would just his name is the spleen from champion city who is superpower is farting yes that's a real thing classic honestly it's a good movie the classic 1999 film mystery men if you haven't seen it okay no i'm not okay we're superpower um it would be pretty bad if any time you tried to do good or help another person you accidentally injured and maimed them instead i don't know what kind of superpower that is but it's super klutz that's kind of like um isn't that rogue from x-men who can't touch anybody yeah oh yeah pretty much yeah

i mean that would be a bad superpower to have if we're just going off of actual ones that are out Kind of like, isn't that Rogue from X-Men who can't touch anybody? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pretty much, yeah. I mean, that would be a bad superpower to have if we're just going off of actual ones that are out there because it's like, yeah, you can't ever have human contact. I mean, anything. It can be existing, non-existing, whatever. The human torch, but your skin lights on fire. I think that was from... You're not immune to fire. Exactly.

That was from... Oh, God. What show had that? Was that the Venture Brothers? Yeah, it was the Venture Brothers. Right. The guy who lights on fire but feels that it is on fire and is in agony. But you only get to do it once and you're done.

Yeah. Invisible Woman also, just like only her skin, like the outer layer of her skin went invisible. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Ugh. Yeah, those are questionable. Yeah, very questionable. Very questionable.

Look, this is going to be a hot take and an unpopular opinion and also a hill I'm not willing to die on, but I'm standing on at this moment. I personally find Spider-Man's set of super abilities pretty lame. And also the mix of across all the different cannons of sometimes he makes his own web and sometimes he has to make little canisters and he shoots them off of things if you're just manufacturing your own superpower why the fuck would you just be like i want to shoot webs off my hands get a gun or something like shit i don't know get a better superpower than that that's a good point but i mean as far as theming goes i do understand it um but the general like overall power set is literally just

reflexes strength and speed right that's real fast real strong climby climby and sometimes shoot webs maybe or maybe makes webs the spidey sense they have the spidey sense i will admit it's pretty basic but i wouldn't say it's bad I would love to have those even if it wasn't spider themed. I mean, yeah, I'm not saying he's a bad hero. I just find that. So I feel similarly about Superman, right? Right. Of course.

Yeah. I find those uninspiring superpowers. Yeah. My superpower is I'm fucking invincible and I can fly and do whatever I want and also laser eyes and also backwards in time. If I fly fast enough, you just do everything. How do you ever lose? I know. Yeah. Imagine the jealousy

Cyclops would have if he met Superman where he like can't control his eyes and everything. That's his only power. I know. Yeah. So you're telling me you can shoot lasers out of your eyes and still look through your eyes. Superman flies up. He's like, oh's like oh yeah no what check this out superman's like yeah i got those fuck you dude yeah well oh yeah i got ice

powers oh yeah watch this i'm cold too bitch what are you gonna do hey my superpower is that i can peel layers off of my chest and throw them and it turns people into like playing cards and superman's like i can do that shit yeah no i i dislike superman for that reason i think comic books in general just have a habit of like adding way too much onto a same character because it's like how do they overcome this challenge it's like okay now it's canon it's why i'm not really a huge fan i like death battle but i'm not a huge fan of it because of the concept that they go with the most powerful op version of that character and the most ridiculous one was like and and i know i'm gonna get roasted alive because this is how comic book fans are but the thor versus vegeta one it's not like i'm a vegeta fan boy but they measured their power levels on

and thor is on the multi-universal destruction level. He can destroy exactly 69 million universes simultaneously. I'm like, what? At what point does it just get so ludicrous that you can't ever actually have a conversation about it? It was a fun video, don't get me wrong, but it's why I don't like anyone that's a power scaler in terms of having to measure the exact force of every bunch it's like where's the story in there where's the fun of anything happening yeah yeah and now that i've

thrown it out there i will hedge and i will say this is more of a problem with superman than with spider-man because i appreciate that while spider-man is arbitrarily basically strong and indestructible they at least feign like oh things hurt him and oh he's not infinitely strong and and infinitely invincible but he basically is yeah a lot of settings he's like arbitrarily strong and sometimes he's like oh you punched me in that hurt and sometimes he's like oh that car got thrown at me and i'm like oh and i blocked it like yeah yeah i like superheroes they need to have conflict and they need to have obstacles to overcome and if they can do anything they want not that super you probably should be saving people because no one can hurt you so go do that well the nice thing about like the x-men versus

other superheroes is x-men have like one superpower each where some of the other like superman has so many he's indestructible he's got the laser eyes super strong he can fly yeah like they just give him too many i think that's where it gets more complicated yeah i'm not like a huge x-men fan but i do appreciate that some x-men their thing is like oh that's actually not that useful huh they're like hey it's my it's my mutation yeah exactly it's just like a thing i can help could be good or bad yeah i do like that about that all right perfect let me tally up points for this subject and we'll move on to the next one uh batman robin the joker x-men uh uh gotham city brown yellow uh one two three four five six i'm saying kingpin all right so after tallying it up right now i've currently got

uh mark you've got a point congrats hey thanks bob Oh, no. Oh, God, I'm good at this. Hell yeah. Oh, no. Next subject. I'm arbitrarily basing my mood and or success on these points. Good. Well, your success is definitely based on the points. I don't want to hate to break that to you, I guess.

Okay, well, yeah, you're right about that. Sort of the idea here. Yeah, you're right. Well, Mark, you really need to pick it up, but our next subject is... I need to pick it up, you our next subject is to pick it up you say uh lifting weights weightlifting world's strongest man just occurred in the uk and uh it was won by one of the stolton brothers strength power lifting am i close beautiful i assign you zero points for that hey thanks all right strong start strong start bob is really crushing it right now i don't think mark Mark, well, he's not really made Bob laugh,

but you know, I'm sure he'll pick it up. They always laugh at each other. This can only get better. Now, if you guys could describe to me the worst date you can imagine going on. Okay. Do you want to take turns, Mark? Or do you want to just go at the same time?

Is it worst date we've ever been? Or are we thinking up a scenario that is the worst date? Either one, but but honestly in my head it's like if you're tasked with going on a date and making it the worst possible date without hurting somebody i suppose like just a miserable time where they're like oh god is there okay is there a criteria that they have to stay in the date as long as possible so you're walking like a line because you could start a date punch them in the face but i'm you don't want to do that you want this to you want this to be a full length date that they go on and stick with till the end and then you want the torture to last they look back on

it like that was like the worst date i've ever been on yeah so it's a date that they keep getting strung along and for some reason they are continuing on this date yes okay understood sure that's great i could say it like that. Because I really just enjoy making you think more about this and panic like you did with the Secret Wardens episode. And it just fills me with glee because I'm sadistic and evil. I'm just trying to get the parameters. I don't know if I want to play. Oh, you have to. I have my angle. I'm ready.

Yeah, we have to. You can't not play, Mark. I think I actually can. No, you literally can't not play. I'm stringing you along till the end, Mark. Then you're going to look back at this and this will be the least favorite episode you've ever been on. Wow. I see what you did there. I see what you did there.

This is a meta question. My date, the thing is that none of the bad shit is my fault. Secretly, it is my fault. But my date, it will be a pity party toward me, right? So we meet at a restaurant, get a table. A waiter spills a scalding hot pot of coffee all over me. And I'm like screeching and crying. And my date is like, oh, ah, oh.

And like, you know, EMTs show up. And I'm not actually burned because I was wearing something to protect myself. But it's very dramatic and it looks horrific. And the date is like, I can't, I can't leave. It's okay. And I'm like, it's fine. It's fine. And we eat dinner. And the whole time I'm like moaning, like audibly just like, I'm fine.

It's fine. Just like super uncomfortable for this person. And then after that, we go for a walk. While we're out on a walk, I get attacked by a dog, an off leash dog. Again, violent attack. The date is unharmed, but the dog attacks me again, screaming. Just, oh, God. Eventually, the dog leaves me alone.

The same EMTs come back, treat me again. And the date is just standing there just like, oh God. And I'm like, it's fine. We can keep going. It's fine. Now we're walking through the park. I'm like limping. My leg is messed up.

Blood is preferably dripping from areas of me, but the date can't leave because that's messed up. We go, we end up at like a dessert place, like an ice cream shop. I get a piece of glass in my banana split that i order i take a big bite cut the roof of my mouth blood spilling out of my mouth just aggressively and i'm like no no it's fine that's fine i think it's gonna stop within any second and the date can't leave out of pity they can't leave blood is poor i have like my

mouth is stuffed with napkins you know to try and stop the bleeding and i'm like come on we're gonna we're gonna feed the movie walk to the movie theater and we just sit there then it's a terrible movie i mean it's the best movie ever made we go and see morbius in the imax of course yes and uh and i make her sit through morbius and she can't leave because i'm staying next to her, shivering, blood pouring out of my mouth, dog bite wounds on my face, burns, gauze on the burns all over my chest and torso and arms. Just, she just can't leave. Too pitiful.

Can't leave. We get to the end. We go walk out of the movie. I'm just, you know, absolutely pitiful, limping, whatever. Just look like a nightmare. And we get to the outside of the movie and she's like, I'm going to go. This was nice. I'll call you.

As she leans in to give me like a really awkward hug with my bloody, horrific face. I just give her a big kiss on the cheek, smear of blood, and I turn and limp away. I didn't do anything to this person. I did not hurt them or torture them no he didn't worst date ever honestly i think that person might be falling in love with you after that and the reason i say that is because that story sounds suspiciously a lot like your guide of how to make a best friend whoa that involved a fake car crash a fake hospital wing in your mansion you don't have to be rich to coordinate some fake injuries you might have to hire a trained dog but oh i don't know if they ever want to go out with you again though i think that they would truly look back on that be like man that is the most unlucky person i've ever encountered my life but they pity me that's true

the goal is not to get another date the goal is to have the worst one i think that's pretty good yeah they absolutely stay to the end of that because they can't leave after all that stuff happens yeah can't leave i don't know if it would qualify as worse though um just because and i'm not like disagree i love this date idea but it's because it's so memorable and i think that's the thing about like if i was on this date it it would just be like, I cannot fucking believe this many things happened to this, this man, either the universe is telling me not to be here or maybe it's fate. It's either one or the other.

Okay. Well, I'm imagining I'm dating a human person who sees me get attacked by a dog and is like, Oh my God, trauma. Not who sees me getting attacked by a dog and is like the memories we're building memories oh my god i'm so horny i'm never gonna forget you guy who almost died well see ya all right that's fair that's fair okay anyway that's my idea all All right. Well done, Mark. Yeah. Okay. So my idea is to, if I don't know initially what the worst date ever is going to be, I'm

going to have to use technology to assist me in this endeavor. So I have my date, my target, my specimen in mind. And I've set up a series of experiments using clones of this person that I have made in my secret compound. And I have a neural network based model that is has an objective of a bad date score. And the higher the score, the more successful that AI model was. And therefore, that will go on to be integrated into the next generation of successively worse dates. I cannot say for certain what that worst date is, but through enough generations, I'm thinking that about maybe like 900 generations of clones and AI will lead me to

the result of the absolute worst possible date, including the parameters of time and badness, depending on the clone's mood. Now to also get integrated into the proper mindset of my future date, I had to kidnap my future date to keep them in my compound, but unconscious so that I could link their mind into each clone so that I would then wake up the new clone and they would in a sense wake up with no recollection of anything that happened until that previous moment so that I would then wake up the new clone and they would, in a sense, wake up with no recollection of anything that happened until that previous moment so that they could stay in that mindset of innocence and then experience each new date as a fresh buffet of horrors. And then obviously I would get rid of the clones, can't have multiple versions of my date when the time comes to eventually have said worst date ever. And then when that beautiful day comes, it's not here yet, still working on it.

That will probably be the worst date ever. Do we need to check on Amy? No? All right. I'm sure she's fine. I'm sure she's fine. I'm horrified, but that does sound pretty horrible. Okay, let me see here.

Carry the two. Mark, I'll give you a point for that that was a good yes that was good uh bob um i don't know if your date sounded as horrible as mark's but i'm gonna give you seven points anyway seven additional points to the five I already had? Yes. Oh, okay. I'm detecting some fuckery here. My fuckery. Mark, I think I figured out the game. You figured it out? I figured out the game.

I know what it is. All right, that's fair. I haven't figured it out yet. I'm going to test my hypothesis during the next round. All right, good luck. I guess we'll find out. Next topic here. Imagine when we walk around, if it was like in the movies where a theme song would play like we had our own theme song. What would be the most awkward time for our theme song to play for us? It really depends what your theme song is.

Yeah. I guess imagine what your theme song is and then like what would be your theme song? Just do like a little like or something you know give me a little something aboutun-dun, or something. You know, just give me a little something about what style your theme song would be. And then imagine, when's the worst time for that to play? This is a lot of asks all of a sudden. I know, I guess it's a tougher one. Okay, so we got to come up with our own theme song,

sing it, and then... Is it allowed to be licensed music? I imagine so. I mean, basically just give me a little beat of like the style. Like when you imagine you walking around, is it like. Or is it like something cool, like some metal or rock is playing? What do you imagine your theme song would be or would you want it to be? What's fitting for your character?

I imagine that my theme song is all-star by smash mouth okay all right i guess to give mark another second here i imagine mine would be something like that's kind of starts off seemingly kind of cool or whatever but then quickly becomes a parody of itself i feel like that's me in a nutshell i try to be cool but then i end up just becoming a parody of myself i works out here googling shit no i'm trying to it's like song what is song i'm trying to remember what the fuck this song was and let me see if i can sing it i could do that then okay so my song going around when we did the episode of the sensory overload chamber we asked siri to play a song for us and um it just started off i said play death metal and it was a song just kicked on it was like you fucking whore

that's my theme song and um the worst time for that to play is at my mom's funeral. You walk up on Terri, I just, you fucking whore. You asked. I just, you fucking whore. Okay, that's pretty good. You asked. My worst time for All-Star by Smash Mouth to start playing would be I'm in an orange jumpsuit. I've got irons on my wrists and my ankles. Every time I move, you hear the jingle jangle of my restraints.

I'm standing at the defendant's table in the uh county courtroom and the judge looks down at me and then looks over at the jury and says ladies and gentlemen of the jury uh the defendant standing before you is charged with two counts of murder in the first degree and then you just hear boom boom boom hey now you're an all-star get your kid and the jury just looks at me and i just stand there like i can't i can't control it i'm sorry just plays on a loop somebody somebody it's all timed up with like videos and evidence and stuff the prosecutor slams down a knife on the table and it's all some buddy once tiktok's versions yeah that'd be kind of awkward the victims were stabbed in the head with seemingly

a pickaxe or something ain't the sharpest tool in the shed i swear it wasn't me no no i swear it wasn't me and no way thanks mash mouth all right good good good good good uh mark i'm gonna give you two points this time oh sick i definitely understand the game mark i just want to let you know i'm sorry bob you get none this time yeah oh you understand what's going on though bob yeah i do oh no the jig is up i do you understand it yet mark it's pretty obvious no honestly no not at all but i if i think hard enough would i be able to piece it all together not a chance ah maybe okay all right okay I'm not gonna try to be next topic before we have too much time to think about it um clowns or mimes and why mimes pretty easy I guess okay I don't like clown outfits they're too baggy

clown shoes freak me out too big I don't want to be squirted in the face by a trick flower. And while I do enjoy balloon animals, that's basically the only thing that clowns have to offer. Mimes are funny. Mimes could be next level. It could be subtle performance. It could be a very clown-esque performance. Mimes can go in a lot of directions. I know there are different types of clowns, but me mimes more versatile more interesting lots more to offer all right mark are you alive clown mime clown clown mime mime clown clown mime clown mime clown mime clown clown clown mime clown mime mime clown clown mime clown, or. Mime, clown? Mime, clown, or. Beautifully done.

All right. Zero points for both of you. Next topic. I'm trying to let you catch up, Ben. That's not the game. What do you mean trying to let him catch up? I'm trying to give Mark a chance to. I don't know.

I was thinking about it. What I was thinking about. Okay. So it was like, I got two points and Bob got zero the last time. I don't think he said the words theme song or anything like that. I might have said it twice. And then he said clown and mime a lot that time. So I'm like, hmm.

I'm trying to give you a chance to figure it out and have a shot at coming back. Uh-huh. Okay. I got zero points two times in a row now. Why did it happen, Mark? Can you figure it out? Oh, guys, it is not getting better. It is, in fact, getting a little bit worse.

I think that they think something else is giving them points, and they're not understanding that zero is zero. We're still getting zero. Without looking it up, next topic here, without looking it up, explain to me why we call someone we like our crush. I know the answer to this, but would you like an opportunity to go first, Mark?

No, I'm thinking. Okay. I'm thinking deeply about this one. May I approach the bench? I guess, yeah. Why not? How many points do I have? Oh, I guess I can give us a tally of total points here.

All right. In the first round, Bob got five points, and in the second round, he got seven and the second round he got seven but then he's gotten two goose eggs so bob sitting at 12 points two goose mark you got one point in the first round one point in the second round but in the third round you started catching back up with two so you're down 12 to 4 what's a goose egg zero ah okay nada zilch all right may i walk away from the bench by all means please we'll put in the sounds of me walking away from the bench a little dramatic but okay there you are ladies and gentlemen of the jury i stand before you a humble man a humble man with the same hopes and

dreams as all of you the accused stands to gain nothing from this. They walk into this willingly. They are human and to err is human. Am I right? Am I right? Am I right? What's happening? I would like to propose for you all to consider,

simply to consider that as we are all human, we all make mistakes. And a mistake should not cost a man his life or a woman their own. For are we not all equal in the eyes of the law? And I only ask you to consider my case with fairness and justice in mind. Thank you. Thank you, Your Honor. I yield my time. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, opposing counsel stood before you and called himself a humble man does a humble man own five ovens objection your honor i no longer own five ovens withdrawn would a humble man speak so highly of himself brag so openly about being so humble would a humble man ask you to view the vicious criminal he has sitting next to him as

just one of us? As a human with rights? I suggest that he would not. I suggest that opposing counsel is full of it. And he's rubber and I'm glue. Wait, reverse that. Your Honor, scratch that from the record. Yeah, scratched. Look, listen, we're all here today talking about a simple case of a crush gone wrong. Everybody knows when you have a crush, of course, crush meaning a general interest in dating or a liking of another person derived, of course, from the behavior that all children exhibit where when they get too excited and like something, they crush it out of excitement and lack of self-control. It's a crush gone wrong. It's an infatuation gone awry and uh the defendant is guilty i think we've shown that i think the evidence bears witness to that i think you can tell from the tone of my voice

i wouldn't lead you wrong you can trust me objection your honor this is hearsay or something like that he's injecting his own opinion into things i i need to approach another bench i'm gonna talk to our dear listeners for a moment here and uh just give me a moment guys i don't know what's happening this might be a sham they've lost it we were we were doing something and they've lost it i don't know how to give points anymore we've gone so off the rails i've lost sight of the train all right don't worry i'm back i'm back all right we talked this out and uh okay so you guys that was very creative i liked your little courtroom scene here uh-huh um i feel like the question wasn't answered all that well but you know it doesn't really matter too much i answered it

completely i'm gonna give each of you zero points i feel like i answered the question you asked completely i feel like i uh i didn't perfect but i was part of the legal process and therefore equal partners in it let's um uh let's move on quickly and painfully to the next topic if you found out someone you know is an alien who would surprise you the least you'd be like oh that makes sense actually how much do i have to know them i mean that's up to you it's That's not really part of it. So you can barely know them. You can really know them. Whatever you think fits the prompt, I suppose.

This is really just up to you. Be as descriptive or weird about it as you want, I guess. I don't know. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Oh, dear God. The opposing counsel has said that my client is not human. And therein lies the problem. It's specious.

And just because my client who goes by the name of a man jesse buzzmeyer really i would not be surprised if that guy was an alien love the change in tone just to throw jesse under the bus immediately perfect okay but my client is not jesse buzzmeyer no no no even if he an alien, that is not pertinent to this case. Okay. My client's name, as you all know, and we all know here, and I was submitted into the record and the various pieces of evidence that are part of this. My client's name,

which I shall speak now, and I know very closely and deeply, and would shock me to be an alien, but I know the truth now. May I purse the bench? Oh, dear God dear god yeah i need some alcohol wade um when you say like someone we know like do you have to know them you know what no just if you're if it means you might answer the question then god no you don't have to know i have to know them name a person who would i would be surprised if they were or i would not be surprised anyone any person that you can think of that would be like yeah they might be

an alien could i say myself sure because it would answer like a lot of questions answer a lot of mine yeah i'm not gonna say myself okay i'm withdrawing from the bench i yield my time okay all right i i would i wouldn't i wouldn't be very surprised if like mark zuckerberg was an alien okay yeah he's an interesting he's an interesting guy he's a bit some behaviors that are probably not alien but you know he's a little awkward he's an little awkward. He's an awkward guy. I can see that. I can see that.

Wouldn't surprise me. Wouldn't surprise me. Perfect. Against every bone in my body, I'm going to give Bob zero points. Mark one point there. Hey, yeah. All right. Figuring it out, man.

You're getting there. I think I'm figuring this out. Yeah. I'm glad as you guys figure this out, you've earned so many less points than you were in the first few rounds that's great again i'm trying to let mark catch up just to be clear thank you thank you great i love that i'm a hundred percent understand what's happening me also me also oh my god bob has not earned a point in four rounds and yet he is still dominating what is this i'm so sorry, everyone. I thought this would be funny. This is pain.

This is misery. Please just laugh! All right. What's the last stupid thing you remember doing? Um... Going up to the... May I approach the bench? Yes, by all means.

I would like to submit myself into the evidence record as the current moment that I am doing but before I did this thing what the last time I came up to the bench I can't make myself more clear here oh I see yeah okay um great uh what about before we started recording this episode you did not specify no you know what you noted i'm giving you a bonus objection your honor to yourself moving the goal posts i have to move them real close for you guys real close so yeah you're welcome is the objection thing like about logical fallacies is can i object straw man or can i do that there are specific types of objections to things that are basically not allowed to be heard by the jury it's not not just like, ooh, that doesn't make any sense objection.

It has to be, there's a list of them you can offer. Oh, they're not allowed to hear it. Yeah, there are rules about what the jury is and is not allowed to hear. The reason that hearsay is an objection is that the jury is only allowed to hear testimony of what the person testifying saw and heard themselves. Well, and what they heard may or may not be pertinent. If they heard someone else say that they saw or heard something, or they heard someone else describing something,

that's not allowed because that's not testimony in the courtroom. That's testimony of a statement made outside the courtroom that can't be fairly challenged and tested by opposing counsel if it's true and that sort of stuff. Yeah, because that person is not currently on the witness stand and they cannot... Unless it's true and and you know that sort of stuff yeah because that person is not currently on the witness stand and they cannot unless it's a deathbed confession that's like the one exception but yeah the objections center around evidentiary rules of what can and can't be admitted evidence and what can and cannot the jury be allowed to hear and

include in their deliberation oh interesting that's fascinating i've learned something here today but like in our fake pretend improv court of law you can object for anything you want all right objection uh your honor straw man you're the only one who's gone so far so uh sure you know what sustain hell yeah all right we can add another stupid thing on your list there buddy thanks man thank you objecting to yourself i mentioned in the open that I recently got a 3D printer and I've been getting into that. And the metal extruder that poops out the plastic on these things heats up with what I'm printing, heats up to about 200 degrees Celsius, which is

pretty hot. And like a big dum-dum, I was one of the first days I was using it, there was a little bit of plastic stuck on the extruder. And I was like, oh, let me just reach in there with my little thingies and grab it. And hot 200 degree Celsius metal is not a good thing to touch with human flesh. I just barely touched it at all, but I learned my lesson, your honor, I guess. All right. Congratulations. You're both stupid. I award each of you one point. All right. All right. Congratulations. You're both stupid. I award each of you one point.

All right. Thank you. Oh, you're very welcome. Dear listeners, I'm so sorry. Oh, sorry. I meant to sidebar for that. Anyway, next topic. I, Wade, stand before you.

Not really, but okay. Best way to impress me. Go. Your Honor, I would like to call Bob Miskins to the bench, or the stand, as a witness. I swear to hell, the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth, no help me God. Great. All right, he said the thing. Now, Robert, is it?

Uh, sure, yes. That's my full name. All right, Robert. You know why we're here today, don't you? Uh, sure, yeah. We're here to... Am I allowed to make statements today, don't you? Sure, yeah. We're here to... Am I allowed to make statements? I don't know.

We're here to impress... In this court of stupidity, you know what? You just do whatever you want, buddy. All right, okay. Free ball it, man. Free ball it. All right. Isn't it true that Wade... That's me.

...is not actually in the lead for the most number of wins on distractible um i'm not aware of that information i would like to look you at this uh this exhibit i'm about to put in the uh the the court record also known as uh discord here uh hold on i gotta check my files, checking my files, checking my files, checking my files, checking my files. I would like to... Not that we could potentially have negative poise here today, but Mark is walking a fine line. I would like to reference Exhibit A in the evidence record. Robert, what do you see on this image? It appears to be a line graph of some sort.

Alright. Are there any names associated with this line graph? Our names are listed, the three of us here in the courtroom. Okay, and I would like you to say who is on the bottom in terms of numerical order based on the y-axis

of increments? If I understand you correctly it looks like uh wade is at the lowest value on the graph wade is at the lowest value on the graph and tell me uh robert has wade ever ever been in the entire plot of that graph at the top uh it appears there are a number of points where all three of us are tied at a certain value, so technically that would mean he was tied for first. But has he ever crossed that threshold of tying and exceeded any other competitor? It looks like...

Oh no, that's not what that means. I mean, technically, no. No, I guess not. Technically, no. Your Honor's not what that means. Uh, I mean, technically, no. No, I guess not. Hmm. Hmm. Technically, no. Technically. Your Honor, I rest my case.

Oh, consider me impressed. I award you negative two points. Bob! You know what, Wade? I give you a lot of shit, and I feel very responsible personally for the whole shut up Wade thing being quite the phenomenon for a while after Drunk Minecraft. Never heard of her. But, uh, honestly, I feel like I haven't ever expressed to you enough how much I appreciate you being

a friend and how much fun we've had over the years. And also, I hope it comes across how much I value how funny you are and what you have to offer. I know we make fun of you for being stupid and not listening. I feel like that's your shtick. I feel like that's a bit. You just dropped some of the funniest one-liners some of the funniest like single word responses and also have sung some of the funniest songs in different contexts that i've ever heard and like

i just feel like i give you a lot of shit and people view this as like mark and i shit on you all the time and that's a bit you are sincerely incredibly funny and uh i just hope that you you know that you know thank you because the bit of us all being mean to each other and mean to you especially on any other day i'd give you so many points for that what but being as you only say it to me when there's points on the line and it's today oh man i mean that from the bottom of my point hole all right fine you know what one point there you go that's fair that's fair that's fair audience dear audience they have literally gone full law and order now that's not funny why are we in court why is this happening why did he call bob to the stand they

are inherently avoiding the funny maybe they're both in on it maybe i'm the one not in on it why are they both so not funny well i feel really good about myself so i guess let's um move on real quick we're gonna do a speed round all right you guys quick sorry one answers yeah hold on yes whoa what is this it's like blueberry there's no sherbet or anything oh thank you i forget but it was like mango Oh, thank you. I forget, but it was like mango pie. Thank you. Thank you so much.

You just get ice cream in the middle of way. It's very important and well-hosted episode. I got a smoothie. Look at this guy. I got a smoothie. You feel good about yourself? I do, actually. I feel great.

This is wonderful. You feel like a grown-up? the host i want to uh reward mark for getting this with negative uh 15 distractible wins wow put him at the bottom of the chart that's dead last right there that would put me at dead last yeah i'm pretty sure yeah as the host i think i have that power thereby deduct 15 wins that's all right okay speed round speed round we got uh we got no self-esteem for the host, and three or four, well, some from Bob, I guess. I did get some back.

Yeah, I was genuinely nice. Come on. We got three or four quick rounds here to go, see if you guys can do anything impressive at the end. So, fast answers. The faster, the better. Maybe not more points, but faster, the better. Stand or sit or peeing while, and why? What did the better. Stand or sit or peeing while and why?

What did you say? Stand or sit while peeing and why? Oh. Speed round. Speed round. I was trying to let Mark have a chance. Stand, obviously. You got to stay mobile.

You got to be ready. Marco. Plus cleaner. I would say it depends on what you're trying to accomplish. I sometimes. You're peeing. I sometimes sit just because you know i need to think about stuff or i'm like trying to like look at my phone or i need like it's a convenient breather i guess sometimes if the the lid is down already i don't feel like lifting it

and i'm just like i'll just sit i don't want to touch that i'll just sit screw it because i don't want to splash on the seat no you don't want to splash on the seat. No, you do not want to splash on the seat. That's a good call. All right, Bob. Stand, obviously. Stay mobile. Be ready.

Cleaner. If it's at home, you just got to be careful and not splatter everywhere. But if there's a urinal, even better. Best way to do it. All right, you both get zero points. Man, I failed you. I failed you. it funny tell me it was funny lie to me lie to me worst pizza topping worst pizza topping yep bob you first ground beef i mean if we're going with like hot fresh poop could be if it's anything you know no pizza topping that would be on the list of available toppings at an actual pizza place okay we're both you know what i why not anything yeah i'm sticking with my answer

ground beef get that out of here nobody asked for this uh every petri dish in the cdc's deadly uh virus lab every strain of smallpox that exists. Terrible topping. It just ooze. I believe it would spontaneously combust. They organize it like into a little smiley face of death. God, that's terrible. Perfect, though. You both get zero points.

All right. All right. Called the episode Don't Laugh, and here we are. No laughs. Perfect. Perfect title. Perfect wrap up beautiful and last round in this horrible amalgamation of sadness and despair who would be a better host of this podcast than the three of us uh oh my god joe rogan uh on um three dogs who all get along and like to take naps on each other that would be pretty

cool that would be better that would be a lot better that'll be a lot better uh what are we just listing okay um smartless uh armchair expert uh impulsive with logan pa Paul. My favorite murder people, whoever they are. Sure, sure. All right. Before I tally up the points here and declare our winner, any final thoughts? Anything else you guys want to say to try to get that last? Have you figured it out, Mark?

If I'm being completely honest with myself, absolutely not. I still feel 100% confident. I know what's happening, And I know I calculated this victory that I'm about to secure when Wade tallies the points on purpose. I will believe you on 100%. All right, go ahead, Wade. All right. You guys started off, well, somewhat strong.

In the first three rounds, Mark, you earned four points. Bob, you earned 12. From then on out, you really went downhill. You guys really were flat out awful. Mark, you earned three points and lost two, which honestly, I didn't even build in a way to lose points. So the fact that you managed is really by itself an amazing accomplishment. Impressive.

It is. Don't forget about my negative 15 wins that somehow got deducted. That's true. Yeah, negative 15 wins, negative two points, all within three rounds. We had one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten rounds here that I've got written out. I might have combined a couple early on. I can't remember. But overall, Mark, you had one, two, four, five, six, seven, minus two, five points.

Yes! And minus 15 wins. Yes! Bob accomplished that in the first round. If that makes you feel any kind of better. Bob, you finished with 12 points in the first round if that makes you feel any kind of better bob you finished with 12 points in the first two rounds then you went on a real dry spell once you figured out what was going on uh 13 14 15 points you tripled mark scored despite literally not trying at all for three quarters of this episode i left the door open that's all i gotta say it is true you like

to you you would have to understand the game to not get any points yeah you would have to because even i floundered my way into some points what was the secret bob tell us uh what was happening was and mark i can't believe you didn't pick up on this okay uh wade decided before we even started the episode that he was just gonna have me win one no matter what you did there was no way you could win so i just won wait all right wait is that what you thought was happening that makes sense i accept that that is what happened and that's why it happened the way it happened i figured it out when that was a good game okay look here's what it was you two were supposed to be each other's worst enemy this was a don't laugh competition every time bob laughed at mark

mark got a point every time mark laughed at bob bob got a point that was that oh you were supposed to be funnier and you guys got so less funny it hurt i wanted to duck 15 points from all of us for how horrible the comedy got hey man you had everyone so up in their head about what's the secret game nobody was paying attention i didn't count little laughs like the little like oh it seems like you could have it was like you had to give a genuine like kind of hearty laugh for a point and usually there's a lot of those i set the stage i tried to give you all the good topics and you i don't know what the jury your honor came about but my god i'd rather be at a funeral than with you two i laughed at that a good deal i thought that was funny then why did either of you laugh i thought i did laugh i got the points right here oh well you you don't count so good yeah what what did i have to do was it me making you so

frustrated that deducted points so somehow i went to the negative funny is that what it was you just you took your entire turn about why do we call someone who we like our crush to just talk about my lack of win oh i forgot about that i gave you a topic and you were like no fuck that let's just insult wade for five minutes therefore i just took away two points and 15 wins because fuck you oh man you'd be getting all the boys making me laugh oh god. It's a good thing we're already bald because you two took out the rest of my goddamn hair during this episode. Audience

started off, they were like, oh man, I gotta get my calculator. Bob's just going off on a tear. And then it was such a dry spell they had to put lotion on to get through the rest of the fucking episode. Now looking at it from a bird's eye perspective, me calling Bob to the bench as a witness is just like a really cosmically funny thing somehow the circumstances pushed me into a corner to be the least funny scenario possible

i was like all right this is this is going to be great. I've got so many things. They're going to go off the rails trying to impress me. Like, oh, they'll be making fun of me. They'll laugh at each other. Stand or sit while peeing. I can't wait to hear the crazy shenanigans they'll get up to. Oh, I thought we're superpower was a weak start.

That was the highlight of the day. Good thing I saved the best funny for last. Oh, my God. I can't wait to listen to this episode. Audience, who would be a better host than the three of us? Literally anyone. In fact, who would be better on this episode? Literally anyone.

A dead ferret would have performed better than our contestants today good episode concept man yeah thank you that is a really good idea for an episode and we just hit it out of the park execution was phenomenal this is literally how i felt when we recorded don't laugh challenges in person there is nothing less inherently funny than don't laugh welcome to the behind the scenes where you feel not funny your topic feels not funny your friends they'll feel not funny and you just want to die well to be fair we didn't know it was not wow yeah we were just we were just yes standing each other to the moon we were just well you know doing it right you were you guys were so excited to be in a courtroom. Uh-huh.

Super serious courtroom. I don't know where that bit came from, but how did we even get to the courtroom? I don't know. I decided to approach the bench because I was trying to think of what the game was. I was stalling for time. Bob, I actually thought you figured it out because you literally quit making Mark laugh at that moment. Bob, I actually thought you figured it out because you literally quit making Mark laugh at that moment. Like you had Mark rolling

and then you were just like, I know what the game is. And there was not neary a joke from your lips. I was like, he did solve it, man. To be fair, my strategy was, I'm going to keep it simple and low key. Not, not funny necessarily, but just like let Mark do whatever he wants and then see if i can offer him up some points the answer to that was no no you could not

uh you had a great time today thanks i think i deserve to be the least winning contestant. Everyone loved my hosting before today. They might change their minds. Hope you didn't laugh either, dear listeners. You want to hear my inner monologue? It's, oh, God, we're just fucking laughing. Something got to happen. You know, if this was don't laugh, though, then.

Didn't we just really succeed at not laughing i mean yeah i can see the thumbnail now me uh sitting on a bench with a nice white powdered wig holding a gavel looking really bored falling asleep and you two standing there literally just talking nothing funny at all happening it's just a courtroom with us look it's a situational comedy okay it's not we're not telling jokes. It's funny because of the situations in which we find ourselves. Whoops.

Ignore. Just ignore that. That didn't happen. Wow, Bob did something and Mark left. If only that had happened over the last hour. There's a lot of laughter now. There sure is. I don't know what you're so stressed out about wayne we're all having a good time oh bob you won you want to say thank god i earned this i knew what was happening the whole time and i deserve this victory i really tried to be a pal and let Mark figure it out for himself, but I'm just the bigger, wrinklier brain today.

You basically won or tied for the lead after the first round. In the first ten minutes, this was decided. This is a really funny episode to me. Oh, God, was it? Yeah, man. yeah man i hope everyone out there listening can feel my pain along the way as i'm just waiting for a laugh from anyone to type something mark you're doing and saying so many things that are making you laugh so much right now i just want to let you know uh thanks man you too man you too god very funny mark oh god i tried to insert jokes, too. My jokes didn't matter, but I was like, maybe if I make them laugh, they'll start making each other laugh.

But no, of course not. Oh, my God. Congrats on winning, Bob. Thank you all for listening. We have merch. We have a site. We have other podcast episodes. We have highlights on YouTube.

We had YouTubes that were out. There might be some left. I don't know. You can go look look they're pretty cool You can find us in our respective channels for more great hilarious content Bob at my skirm Market markiplier me it Oh God. I don't know if I want it. Jesse buzz Meyer. You can find me there At Jesse, yeah, just get him. I'm just Lord me in seven seven seven, whatever just fine Stay tuned for the next episode where maybe we'll laugh maybe you'll laugh maybe we'll cry

maybe we'll find love who knows until then podcast out