Distractible - Dr. Bob's Real Boy Test

Episode Date: February 9, 2024

Oh boy! Here comes Dr. Bob with a brand new test for Mark and Wade to see which of them have what it takes to be a "real boy." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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I told you HomeSense has good gift options. Hmm, well, I don't know. Mom's going to love it. She'll take one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to San Tropez a few years ago. Forget it. She complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14. $14?

Now that's a vacation I can get behind. Deals so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Dr. Bob likes bubble machines, baby gymnastics, and being a dad. And he knows how to mull wine. Mysterious Mark gets buggered by B&H, sees Huguenin Moonen, an anal celery. Wondrous Wade hires out pornographic shooting sites, refuses to blacklight,

yet sees dicks of vaginas everywhere. From pseudopsychology to colorful numbers. Yes! It's time for Dr. Bob's Real Boy Test. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome back to another episode of the world's favorite podcast, Distractible. That's right, I'm saying it.

If you've never seen the show before, there's a winner. That was me last time and that's why I'm the host. And this time the competitors are Mark and Wade. One of them will win and then they'll host the next episode. Yeah, one of us will win. It's a toss-up. Who's gonna win? Nobody knows.

Could be either of them, Mark or other. Anyway, yeah, everything's made up and everything's arbitrary. So you're all caught up. That's how this works. And as per usual, we're gonna start today with small talk. I want to go first. This morning, James' son, one-year-old, had gymnastics. And I just want to say, baby gymnastics?

Pretty wild. Very cute, though. Turns out one-year-olds are crazy. Like climbing on the walls, doing somersaults. Balance beam, backflips. There were balance beams. I like they have the whole range. There's a balance beam that just sits on the floor. Then there's one that's like six inches tall.

And then there's one that's like four feet tall that like looks super dangerous. It's fine. And there's like rings and they do somersaults. And James ran face first into another child today. They clashed foreheads. They're fine. He was upset for a second second but then there were bubbles so he's fine but anyway uh i was one of four men in the entire building and it was an interesting

experience one of the men worked at the place one of the men was a dad who left because they were in the class before us and then i think there were was one other guy there wait how big is this facility because four men in a place seems like a reasonable number of people. In the class before James's class, because they're separated into like age groups, there were probably 20-ish kids and each kid has an adult with them, right? So it's a kid and a parent. So there were like 40 people, 20 kids, 20 adults, all women, except for one dude in that class. And yeah, so in James's class, there was maybe more like 15. What is the purpose of gymnastics at one year old? I mean, it's not competitive, right? The point is you're teaching them how to walk around. It's a

place where they can work on balance and motor skills. They learn things like how to do somersaults, but you help them do somersaults. And so he's learning how to control. He has to tuck his head. He has to stick his arms out. It's like helping develop motor skills in a more fun way. They just run around and climb on stuff. I don't know why my brain took it somewhere else. I was like, okay, it's not gymnastics like I'm thinking the Olympics.

It's like you're teaching your baby to be a stuntman. No, no. Yeah, you're exactly right. They're doing live fire exercises. They're trying to disassemble a gun and then reassemble it as fast as possible. The baby's driving a car has to wreck the car into a wall and know how to handle it. They do a drill where the instructor is like, this is a grenade. When you pull this pin, tink, uh-oh.

And then they drop it and they see which babies jump on the grenade to save everybody. You know, stuff like that. They get to be the super baby. They're the brave ones. Yeah. You know, the tough mudder run. It's like that with babies. Apparently, nobody expects dads to do anything.

And every time I'm at a thing like that, I didn't I will say I didn't even I was not in the room with them because I the reason I was there because I Mandy is traveling for work. I had to, my car is stick shift. And so, uh, James's nanny cannot drive my car. So I had to drive them over there. And I just like hung out because this is a thing they do every week. No one is mean, but you get a lot of looks. And like when James was in the hospital still, when he was born, every time he needed a diaper, I would be like, oh, I'll change it. And the nurses were kind of like, you know how to change a diaper yeah well man he just had surgery so who's gonna change the nurses were like expecting that they would just do everything and i would just sit there and be like take care of him he needs you i'm not a i think i'm a decent

dad but i apparently people don't expect men to do anything when it comes to children and it's people are always surprised. Like I take James to the store by myself, too. So it's like him sitting in the shopping cart and I push him around and we get grocery shopping or whatever. And people are always kind of like, did he steal that baby? That guy looks like a baby thief. It was a fun morning and it was cute.

But also, I guess dads, I'm just going to put this out there to change more diapers. I don't know, man. What did you guys do today? I have an update. You guys know I made that terrible purchase with the camera, and I talked about that last time. I don't know why, and this is fairly mean, but my brain, when you said, I made that terrible, my brain was like, movie?

Oh, no. Oh, Mark, don't be so hard on yourself. I made that terrible movie. No, no, no, no. Excellent movie. No, yes. The camera, the whoopsie with the camera. Yes, right.

The camera whoopsie. Yeah. So I got an email back from B&H and there's a bit of a mystery here because I can't quite figure out what the deal is. So I've shopped with B&H for a very long time for most of my camera purchases of any kind lenses accessories um random bits and bobs i've always bought through bnh and i've never had a problem with them so far like i've done a lot of business with them over the years and so when it came to this purchase like obviously it's poorly timed but i would have i would have even paid like

a restocking fee which is usually like 15 to okay, yeah, you're taking this on and restocking it. Because what I wanted to do is I wanted to return it and then immediately turn around and purchase from them the newer camera that came out. And so either way, they would be like making money. But here's where the mystery is. So they sent me an email back and they said, we will consult the buyer if this can be returned. And I'm like, what does that even mean? Aren't you the buyer? Yeah. I was like, aren't you the buyer? It can. I and i'm like what does that what does that even mean aren't you this aren't you the buyer yeah i was like aren't you the buyer it can i'll answer that right now yes go ahead i'll return it and so it was it was fascinating because like okay we'll consult the buyer because this this item was in stock and i and to be fair like on the item page it said this

item is non-returnable like i didn't see it but it's there it's an oopsie but i asked them if they could work with me and make it like happen uh but they they then said like when i got an email back and they were like we're looking into this given our given your history as a customer and then we're now talking with the assistant buyer and i'm like assistant buyer why is eva emailing these people get out of here so i went even further uh and they the the assistant buyer got back with some questions. And it's like, has this camera been used and like what the condition is? And I said, like, it's completely new. Like the only thing I did was a software update.

I haven't even used it yet. And they wanted to know how many hours were on the camera. Because if you go into the camera in the settings, you can see how many hours it's been on, basically. Because if you go into the camera in the settings, you can see how many hours it's been on, basically. So I bought it, assuming that it was new, because that's what I thought. And I go into the camera settings, and yeah, I've turned it on to do a software update. So it has like maybe an hour or something on it from your use, right? Some amount of time you used it.

That's what I expected. I turned it on. It says 12 hours. And I'm like, wait a minute. Hold the phone. I get back to them and I asked them straight up like, is this a used camera? Is that why this is a problem? Why you had a buyer?

Is this a used camera that you sold as if it was new? And then they got back to me not answering the question. They said in very aggressive terms, those listings clearly stated this was a non-returnable item. And I'm like, but this was, this was full price. What, what, what's going on? Um, and it just basically said in no uncertain terms, and they didn't acknowledge my question at all of asking if it was used and then immediately followed that up with, we cannot return this item. And I was like, wait, but what about the questions you asked me about what the condition was? Like you asked me like what's condition is it is. And as soon as I asked them, if you caught on to whatever was happening and like super assistant buyer got in there and was like, no, no, no, we got to cut them off, cut them off, get them out of here. Yeah. I'm the super buyer. So basically like, I was like,

this is very weird. I feel like I just got completely shut down uh so i was basically saying like oh okay all right i'll just go fuck myself but also i was just like i'm not gonna shop from b&h anymore because that was just super weird i think they sold me a used camera pawned off as new so the one thing i'm thinking is is their fact are their factory hours on that that sounds super sketchy and the only justification i can think is oh well yeah most cameras come from red directly and they have like eight or ten hours of like they turn it on they test the sensor whatever right because people hardware manufacturers test the integration so they usually use the final product but like that's weird and the way that played out is super weird it it was that's

the only update i have because it's just it's so bizarre that as soon as i asked if it was used they came back the list it clearly states this item is non-returnable and i'm like wait so uh that's the update well and you even if it wasn't super conspicuous that it was some like open box return item there wasn't a discount so like yeah and i get that that's you know sucks for them but that's that's generally what people do you don't you don't pay full price for a product that's not new because why wouldn't you just buy a new one well and they should have just let off with that that's how they're going to respond anyway why bother like pulling your chain like well here let's have you answer some questions see if we can work with you no we can't oh it's somebody's boss must have

caught wind and been like don't ask him tell him no why did you ask i'll fix this and then they just emailed you so anyway that's the only update it's it's uh this is kind of boring but kind of whatever but hey adorama is my best friend now i don't even know how to say what is that what is that it's a it's it's like a it's another camera website that you could buy not bnh photo it's the sequel to futurama yeah adorama i'm not sponsored by any of these companies your camera, but I'll tell you who I'm not sponsored by. Offer rescinded B and H last episode. We were like,

I don't know. Turns out we can't work with you. It's a used podcast. Anyway, the camera is still good. And there actually is, um, red is offering like an upgrade program where you can send in your camera and

they'll upgrade it for not the full price of what the new new camera would be so you can send it in it's still money and i have to send it in and who knows when i'll get it back but there's a path so it's nice that they offer that so i'll probably try to go with that well you know you own all these lenses now and now you own theoretically an extra camera and you start uh mark's friendly camera rental company and just rent rent this stuff out to people or something i have thought about that i mean there's a bit of a conundrum because like i don't know the the conundrum of rental companies is like when you rent something out you don't know what they're

going to do with it and i've seen so many stupid shit that people do for shots there was one where it's like they have this dolly and the camera's on like the swinging arm like this and they just run it to the end of the track and they just throw the camera and they got some pillows down there and they're trying to do that thing where it goes through the floor and like you know comes up but i'm like dude you could you could have just, you know, hold it. Literally, it was like it was on our train track. You know, they have dolly tracks. And then they just get up to speed and chuck it.

And the camera's like, it's just a pillow on the ground, on the concrete ground. Only tens of thousands of dollars worth of camera and lens and God knows what attached to that. That's smart anyway so that's my that's my dumb uh mark made an oopsie purchase and also i guess my value as a customer is not doesn't give me anything it turns out the rules apply to markiplier too when they say no returns you're right you're right listen i've put out a few uh mean tweets before i don't think this is worth a tweet. Me going like, you better return this. But I'll just say straight up on this podcast, it was a little weird. Yeah, no, it doesn't.

It's not obviously like bad faith or anything on their part, but it doesn't make sense completely what happened. That's weird. Wade, we saved the best for last. All right. Nothing new. That's you're not even going you could make something up well i was gonna add i told you guys that one of the places we rented out related to mark's camera rental idea whenever you're like you don't know who's gonna rent your

camera i was like that's true you don't even know who's gonna stay at the place you rent out because the last time we rented out a place to stay with a group we looked in the registry and the group before us was like very obviously like a porno company that's like you go to like get in the registry in the group before us was like very obviously like a porno company that's like you go to like get in the shower get in the bed it's like hopefully change these sheets wait how how obvious was this what were what were the names in the book like steve schlong dirk hardmathers it was like something pornography llc or something like the name of the company was literally had pornography in it. Are you sure it's not something photography LLC and you just misread it? Pornography photography LLC.

It's all of those. Because I was not the only one to look at this registry and like point it out. Why would I mean, whatever, they're proud of their business and it's certainly it's fine that they did that but like why would you sign the log book as like big titties pornography llc maybe to rent it out you don't need to sign it to rent it i don't think no no no no maybe i'm saying to advertise their own company every every guy who looks subsequently is like oh that's an interesting sounding website i i find it more reasonable that the previous guests were like this is gonna mess with the heads of future guests they're gonna think that every bed's pornoed it could have been but there were aspects of this place that you could like look around after having read that been like like there was like a hot tub in the master bathroom that wasn't

just like against the wall or not hot tub like a tub but it was like out so you had like almost a full 360 degree camera angle if you walked all the way around it there were just certain things where it was like i could see how they could use this place for filming things you could get a black light for real cheap and you could check yourself that was one of those things it's like i don't want to know it's like we're staying here either way let's not but i was like you know mark you're right you know if you rent it out a camera you don't know who's gonna use your camera for what i would just want to rent to like people i know and trust and that way you know i'm not trying i wouldn't try to do it as a business because obviously it is kind of true like i have a lot of lenses and you know i'll

probably end up with more than i would ever use uh so it's either like you sell a set you kind of like uh gift it to someone who you trust or rent it out to people that you really really want to give them a leg up this company also got a leg up mark's real laugh everybody it's killing me That bit is always funny It never misses That's it that's all I got My small talk is over a year old There's nothing wrong with letting it age a little bit

That's what I meant aged not seasoned Aged put a little pepper on the wine Seasoned it You think that'd be good Well spiced wine yes but not with pepper Don't knock it till try it, man. And mulled wine, mulled wine, it's just wine that you add spices to, but you add like cloves, cinnamon.

You know what would be weird is if you add Szechuan peppercorns to wine, because those are the things where when they have that substance that makes your tongue feel numb. I've had things with like Szechuan in it but i hadn't had like a real like raw szechuan pepper in a soup until i had this hot pot um amy took me to like this authentic like hot pot place oh those things those things rip when you get them out of hot pot like that it was so funny because like the the soup base that we ordered was called beef oil and let me tell you if you dipped your spoon in there it came out like a candle like the wax solidified the oil solidified like wax oh man it's like every

time you went in you got a thicker coating the they were not lying about that was oil like just pure straight up it wasn't beef and oil it was oil of beef it was oil of beef but goddamn whatever oil comes out of cows that's what they put in there it was good but it had like raw szechuan well not raw but it was obviously in the soup but it was szechuan that as soon as it touched my tongue everything started going numb and i'm like oh that's what legit szechuan is the first that's the same experience i had had because i had had it in food and stuff was cooked dishes. It's not the same as when you have it in hot pot and you try one for the first and your whole mouth is just like,

oh no, uh oh. Anyway, are you guys ready for today's topic? Yes. Is it hot? We'll see. It might get spicy. It's really up to you guys because today you two are going to be participating slash competing in dr bob's real boy test oh like pinocchio interesting side note i am not a doctor

the dr bob moniker is really more for entertainment purposes and uh yeah so there are several parts to this test and part number one unfortunately does involve me sharing a screen so if you're if you're listening only we'll try and describe these to you uh but we're going to assess how real of a boy you are and at the end of the episode the realist boy will be the winner and you will get to host the next episode there are there are several phases uh phase number one is uh i found this resource online it's at openometrics.org, and it's essentially an open source Rorschach test, which is the inkblot test, right? as a way to large scale screen people who are potentially going to be joining the military. And it was made as a way so that you don't need to be a highly trained psychologist in order to like interpret the responses. It's more of like a, you take the test and the answer says something about you. So this is a multiple choice Rorschach test. I'm going to share the screen. I'm going to

give you 30 seconds to look at the image and then we're going to move on and i want you guys to talk about which one of the multiple choices you would then pick to most accurately describe uh what what we've been looking at i'll mark down my choice like i open up a cheat that way like if mark goes first i don't like it swayed by his answer i've got mine already marked down yeah i mean if you want to cheat you can cheat but real boys don't like it swayed by his answer. I've got mine already marked down. Yeah, I mean, if you want to cheat, you can cheat. But real boys don't cheat. I don't want to cheat. I want to know what this says about me.

The screen is shared. Wow, look at how not zoomed in that is. There we go. There's an ink. I have the timer running. So you get 30 seconds. Just look at this. It's about your impression of what it is.

And you're not going to be able to look back at the image once the choices are up. So you also have to kind of decide how you feel about it now, and then you'll have to remember in 10 seconds when the image goes away how you felt, and then make your choice. Anyway, 30 seconds is up, and so now we move on to the choices. Choose what is the best description of the image you just saw. We're going to do top choice. Second choice doesn't matter. Technically, the test is telling you to pick your top one and two things. But was that a picture of an army or navy emblem, crumbling cliffs, a bat, nothing at all, two people, a pelvis, an x-ray picture, pincers of a crab, a dirty mess, part of my body, or something that's not listed?

My thing was not listed there. Should I say what it was? If you had something specific that was not listed, yes, I would love to hear it. I saw a wolf. I saw like a wolf with two sets of eyes. So it was like looking straight at the camera perspective? Basically, yeah. There's a wolf in, I think, One Punch,

or a dog in One Punch Man, which I think is called literally Overgrown Rover, and it has multiple rows of like eyes just like that. It looked a lot like that. I marked a bat as my second option i also saw something not listed uh it looked like a beetle with six wings and the very top i marked down as a vagina mouth beetle with six wings a pelvis is one of the options technically and or part of my body i guess so i also saw a beetle. I missed the vagina pelvis mouth thing part.

I'm not going to tell you who wins points or whatever. This one has colors. There's a little bit of red slash orange on this one, as well as mostly black. And if you don't know, listeners, Rorschach tests are usually sort of like splotches of ink that are very symmetrical most of the time, I believe. It's like they fold the paper in half and splill some ink and then unfold it. So it's very, it creates sort of particular looking imagery. Was that a bug somebody stepped on?

Nothing at all. Two Scotty dogs, little faces on the sides, a bloody spinal column, a white top, a bursting bomb, two elephants, two clowns, black and red, or something not listed here. Black and red just seems like a cop-out to me, I gotta be honest. The first thing I saw was a face, like a big face with red lips and the two eyes floating over top. The second thing I saw was two goblins high-fiving with their two bloody knees touching and floaty hands behind them also high-fiving with their two bloody knees touching and floaty hands behind them also high-fiving. So what I saw, the first thing I saw was actually two baby rabbits dead on their sides.

What? Red flag, red flag. That's literally what it looked like because the red seemed like blood and the shape literally looks like two rabbits. But then I saw a face the same as wade the black was like big mutton chop beard and it was probably like a clown too but it's just like big red eyes coming up and then the face looked like and it really looked like it had a nose and i was like oh hunter and the two rabbits that he just killed and he's he is thanking god for the meal i don't like the fact that none of our answers are no. No, that's fine.

This is not a normal person test. This is a real boy test. And real boys are bold thinkers with strong imaginations. I think we all know that about real boys. This one has a lot more negative space. And I see something very specific that I can't unsee when I look at it. It's red and black again as well. Sorry, I thought that we would describe them more, but I'm realizing we're not describing what they look like at all.

Or are we? Was that image two birds, meat in a butcher shop, two men, part of my body, red and black, a colored butterfly, spots of blood and paint, monkeys hanging by their tails, a red bow tie, nothing at all or something not listed here so what i saw was two like really fancy butlers and or like wait staff both bending over to carry like a very large tray so i'd say two men but that's quite a boring version of what that is and the next thing i saw was just like it was very loose but it was like a cow from

front on like because i the the bottom part started to look like a big old nose after a while um but it was more like really strongly the two wait staff carrying a big tray and the red in the middle did seem like their big crevice so i couldn't decide if it was two men leaning over i wouldn't have even said men i would have said two busty individuals because it looked like their chests were very, their chests were very pointed out. Ah, see, that's what I saw. That's what I saw. They were voluptuous.

I also thought maybe that they were poodles. But the other thing I saw that was completely separate was the big dark space with the bow tie kind of looked like some weird frog face with two music notes next to its head listeners comment section subreddit viewers whoever you are i hope we're describing this but it's whenever you all see different things it's hard to tell you exactly what the image looks like because we're all seeing different things anyway Anyway, this part doesn't last forever. If you're disappointed you can't see the inkblots, we'll move on to the next one here in a minute. I believe there's one more of these that I want you all to look at to give Wade one more

chance to go first. Then we'll move on to the next segment of the test. But are you ready? Get your thinkers on. This is a tough one. No colors in this bad boy. It's all black ink what was that was that the head of an animal lungs and chest a nasty mess a pair of boots black smoke and dirt nothing at all

a man in a fur coat an animal skin a big gorilla an x-ray picture or something not listed all right the first thing i saw was like a bat clawing like crawling at you like an angled picture of the bat crawling at you with like it's like if you looked down your chest and it was like crawling at you the second thing i saw was a big man standing there with crab claw hands and a big dick like that his dick was bigger than his legs okay good wow interesting i thought you know i kind of thought that i would have seen more dicks uh than than wade there but i haven't seen any of the dicks looking at my sheet of notes as to what i've seen this looks like the mad scramblings of a man who

shouldn't be in the public i saw and i'm noticing a trend i i did see the head not of an animal but of an ant like if you did a really close-up of an ant i saw that and then the next one was like it was it was more sad it had like an emotion because i saw two ravens because it looked like raven skulls the two little uh like things off the top and it looked like two ravens that were like slumped back to back both looking down and obviously like more skull like so are we real boys that's not enough to really conclusively say anything but i will say current preliminary standings have wade as the realist boy here which is very fascinating information wade you're a very real boy for

all of those answers that you gave that's great vagina. Vagina mouth, beetle, creepy face, floating bow tie people, and upside down bat. Okay. This next one, part two of the real boy test is word association. And there's a little bit of structure to this. We're not just going to randomly throw it out. It's going to be one at a time. We'll switch it up. So Wade goes first, first this time. I'm going to give you, it's as fast as we can. I'm going to give you five words and you're going to give me the first thing that pops into your mind. And then we're going to pick what you think is the best one of the five that we just did. And then the other person's going to go. And then we're going to have a discussion about whose word association is better.

You ready, Wade? Yeah. First word, swear. Cussing. Nose. Mouth. Parking. Driving. Statement. Speech.ing. Nose. Mouth. Parking. Driving.

Statement. Speech. Brave. Coward. Let's jump right into yours, Mark and Wade. Think about which one you like and would want to pick. And Mark, if you're ready, let's do five words. Vegetation.

Potato. Secretary. Dress. Student. Notebook. Modest. Naked.ress. Student. Notebook. Modest. Naked. Up.

Down. Wade, have you selected your strongest answer you think you had? The one that jumped out at me was statement speech, and I don't know why. I just liked the way those went together. Other ones were just kind of opposites or your nose is next to your mouth or whatever, but that one I was like, okay, statement, speech. Kind of got me thinking about, I don't know, the old and glory and glory pre-law days mark do you have a favorite of the five that we just ran through uh so there's a couple because when you said vegetation the reason i said potato

is because i saw that meme where the potato is just like the other plant like it dies in like the perfect soil the potatoes where's the fucking soil you know it's either that or you know um it's probably that one but i the reason i said dress and secretary is because i got this flash of mad men secretary and like that whole era of mad men and that's that just popped in my head but i think the potato wins interesting i i like i like that meme very much indeed mark and if listeners if you don't know that meme it's literally what mark said is any normal plant dies and then the potato is just like where's the fucking soil because it's like sprout it's very funny uh wade why is yours better that's hard to say because like we're just doing quick word association so it's hard to say that there's

like a competing thing it's just kind of like where our brains go no one's definitely better that's how it works i guess because a statement a speech the association is stronger when it comes to making a more eloquent declaration than simply referring to a meme you think that real boys say things that make sense instead of just random memes from the internet that's your argument i don't fucking know what a real boy is. So yeah, that's what I think. Look, I didn't want to give anything away, but I do have to say real boys have unwavering confidence. And that was just a little too wishy-washy.

I'm going to need you to turn the confidence up in the next round. But that one goes to Mark. Congratulations, Mark. Thank you. I deserved it. That's fair. You're still losing. It's okay.

I'll turn it around. That's the right level of unearned confidence. I deserved it. That's fair. You're still losing. It's okay. I'll turn it around. That's the right level of unearned confidence. I like it. Anyway, round two, random word generator. These ones are all going to be non-English words. Just associate it with whatever you think of. It can be an English thing. If you happen to speak the language, then that's fine. But I highly doubt that will be the case.

Do we want to switch who goes first this time and have Mark do it or do you want to go first wait i'll give you the choice i mean i'll go first would it be easier if we alternate instead of doing five in a row going one one one one so we can write it down since we have to make up the word yes that's the confidence of a real boy wade goes first but it's gonna alternate wade's word is first and then mark gets a word and then wade gets a word back and forth rapid fire associate away wade you go first are you ready yeah excelare oh it's shooting uh when you shoot an arrow mark a taskers castle all right wade berlongus uh it's what you wear when you walk into a burlesque club. This isn't a word association. What's he doing?

He's just defining it. It could be phrases. It could be up to a phrase. That's okay. That's okay. Mark. Perceiba. It's perceiving your perceiba.

Wade. Persignarius. Stepdad. Okay. Okay. Okay. Mark. Stepdad. Okay, okay, okay. Mark. Livado. It's a really loud liver.

Sure, sure. Wade. Amos de Zarin. What? Somebody died when they were trying to send ammo to a friend. What? Okay, okay. Mark.

Bankaba. To bend over. Wade. Modelo. A drink. Sorry, this is random. Sorry. Mark, last one. Mm bend over. Wade. Modelo. A drink. Sorry, this is random. Sorry. Mark, last one.

Mm-hmm. Celeryais. Celery up your ass. Celeryais. You know, when you get celery in your ass. I like that a lot better. I like the chaos. Good chaos, Wade.

Do you guys have your favorite word association that you just created and and why is it better than your opponents i like different ones for different reasons but i've got to pick a favorite yeah i've got one all right wade's ready wait what is your favorite word association you just created i liked berlungus what you wear when you go into the burlesque club i appreciate that uh just got me thinking of all the different creative attire that would be like the right attire for this. Yeah, there's any number of things could be the appropriate Merlungus, depending on context. I'd like celery-ace because it's like multifaceted. It's like very, it could be just a standard dictionary definition of celery up your ass.

Or you could be calling someone a celery ass. You know, you got no ass. Fucking like a celery ass you know you got no ass fucking like a celery stalk is nothing can i throw out one that just was concerning person nars i don't know why stepdad came to my brain i was like person nah i was like a not not person stepdad that's not a person that's not a person you know that but that was that was the one that i spat out i was like brain why no that's the point that's what we're that was that was the one that i spat out i was like brain why no that's the point that's what we're trying to get to with the associations i appreciate that i

have to say it was a tough competition but berlingus was just a good one i think we're gonna crank it up we got one more round of this i think we're gonna really crank it up we're gonna do extended words that are uh greater than 10 letters long. These will be English, but they're going to be all longer than 10 letters. And I want to go back and forth. I want to do 10 each and I want them to be rapid fire. God, OK, I can't type this out. I'm not going to give you a lot of time.

I'm just going to save you the word, give you a moment and then keep moving. So fast, quickly, chaotic. Mark, you're're gonna start this one off so it's gonna start with mark and we're gonna do 10 each 20 words total everyone ready yes yep anti-disestablishmentarianism uh fuck the system hydroxy desoxycordicortisone you better wet that person down in cream mark anti-disestablishmentarianism! Oh, man. Tear down the pillars of society.

It's broken. It's stuck on anti-disestablishmentarianism. We're gonna turn it down to eight letters or longer, boys. Okay. Wade. Electrophysiologically. Shock him and kill him dead. Okay.

Extraterritoriality. Aliens have come to take our jobs. Angio-cardiographic. Angie's heart's really pretty. Nice, nice. Uterosigmoidostomy. It's a finishing move in Mortal Kombat where you rip the uterus out. Wade.

Micrometeorological. Really small meteor. We're safe, boys. Mark. Anti-meteorological. Really small meteor. We're safe, boys. Mark. Anti-disestablishment. Parade the leader's heads on pikes. Okay. Okay.

Repeat words are part of the test. Everyone knows this. Wade. Epididymovisostomy. Sauce up the butt. Mark. I swear to God, if you say anti-disestablishment. Wade. Epididymovasostomy. Sauce up the butt. Mark. I swear to God, if you say antidecision... No, no, no.

The repeats probably are done, maybe. Autorhinolaryngology. It's jerking off with a belt around your neck. Okay. Okay. Oh, I think we're breaking the website a little bit this is too many words too many letters wade deinstitutionalization just tear the buildings down mark adiadocokinesia what was what adiadocokinesia. A duck.

Wade. Deoxyribonucleoprotein. Findoxynucre. Mark. Prostatovesiculectomy. Experimentation. I like it. Okay.

Wade. Paryngiocolitis. What frat boys do. Okay. Mark, microminiaturization. Uh, shrinking too far. Wade, duodenoclectastostomy. Check the teeth, then the butt. Check the teeth, then the butt.

Got it. Mark, anti-disestablishmentarianism that is correct thank you all right um i think that's the correct number i know mark went first i have 10 you have 10 wait do you need one more way i need one more neurochorio retinitis uh brain eye problems oh you know that one. You have eye history. All right, so that's 10 each, boys. Did you successfully note them down enough to be able to pick a favorite?

I have all of them. Well, Mark, that's good. That's good real boy activities that you were able to successfully note them all down. That's worth some amount of points, probably. Thank you. Thank you very much. Wade went first last time, I think. Mark, what's your favorite one just strongest one uh so i just have it written down in my notes as

finishing move in mortal combat bye-bye uterus oh i don't remember what the actual word was man i don't think there's a way for me to bring up the history i probably said it wrong enough that um i could have shared my screen so the words were all on screen but then then you could have read them that's not how this works anyway that was a good one i did like that one mark can i could i interject my bladder is about to explode could i go to the bathroom okay can i take a bathroom break would you like us to wait or would you like way to continue talking he can continue talking all right he's gonna go pp it's quick what was your favorite word wade the very first one the hydro Would you like us to wait or would you like Wade to continue talking? He can continue talking. All right. Mark's going to go pee pee.

It's quick. What was your favorite word, Wade? The very first one, the hydro, cordo, whatever it was. And I'd get them wet and cream them. I was like, hydro, water, something sauce. That sounds like a cream. That's just what came out and nothing topped it. I'm surprised Mark didn't pick anti-disestablishmentarianism.

He had like, what, four different answers to it? He had four cracks at it. Yeah, no. And he got them all correct as far as i could tell the fourth answer to anti-disestablishmentarianism is fuck you did you have a favorite answer from us since you know we got time to kill if i'm reaching all the way back through the whole thing my favorite answer was still stepdad as a as a funny response yes i like it but also somehow a way, I can't describe accurate. Also, I like that.

Like, it's true in a way that I'm unclear. Talking about Wade, my favorite answer that Wade gave was still stepdad. Oh, okay, good, good, good. It's like right, right? Yeah, oh yeah. It's got that paternal root, you know, yeah. Anyway, Mark, did you have a favorite of all of your answers of the whole time of all of my a duck a duck that's it okay just duck you know what it doesn't have to be

just because the word's long doesn't mean the association has to be complicated i get that this round was tough it's very close but mark earned some extra real boy points by being so prepared and confident. And I think Mark gets this one. Oh, sweet. Yes, thank you. Thank you very much. But like, Wade, you get like consolation points.

Somehow you get like a bonus point that doesn't actually count towards winning the game. One of us got a new slogan for a distractible t-shirt and that was me. Get them wet and cream them. I have two more segments prepared, but one of them i don't think is necessary i think we're gonna skip i was gonna do something about car parts because i i personally firmly believe that real boys know something about automobiles but i don't think that's necessary because i think what's more interesting and illuminating to your personalities and the realness of your boys is um numbers colors. I'm going to give a number

and you each will have an opportunity to make the case for what color that number is. And we'll alternate who gets to go first. So each of you gets a crack at being the first one and then being like the follow-up. I'm going to generate numbers between zero and 10,000 so they could be various lengths. And I'm just going to give you the number.

We'll start with Wade going first. Can colors repeat? Oh yeah, it can, it can be whatever you want and it can be, I want you to get creative with it. And the most correct color for each number obviously wins, but maybe there's more than one right answer. There are definitely wrong answers, but there's not exclusively one right answer. We's see. So wait, you go first. First number I would like to assess is 9,761. Burnt orange. How did you get to that? I don't know. The number nine got me thinking about an orange in general. And then like 761, I was like, one's odd. So it's not really like a pure orange. It's an off orange. What's the first off orange that comes to mind? I guess burnt orange. So burnt orange is kind of like a little darker

than like a regular orange, right? Yeah. Mark, 9,761. White, because that's a number with a lot of varied characters. So for readability purposes, I feel like white is what that number should be. I will say on my screen,

because I'm using Google's random number generator and I use Google in dark mode. It is actually white. So that, that's interesting. Uh, that's very correct as to what color it is, but I, I somehow I feel like burnt orange is more correct as to what color it should be. Oh, I don't know about that. You change, change that to burn orange. You'll, you'll see how wrong that is. Is that a thing I can do? I would love to change the color of just the color balance on my monitor. No.

Wade gets that one. Okay. But Mark, you go first this time. Oh, what an interesting number. Mark, the number is 5,994. That's a nice deep purple. Like just a deep purple. The kind of purple that is just an endless void of of

subtly shifting hues of of ultraviolet as it like goes down into the depths of the number wade 5994 macaroni and cheese which is like a golden rotty yellow i got bad news wade i i don't even need to hear anything else you're about to say something very deep in my soul when you said that just screamed from the depths of my being wrong no no no no the curl of the five the curls of the nine they got a nice like elbow macaroni shape going on i i thought this was a joke and i would i would make fun of you that was a very seriously visceral response somewhere inside of me was just like no that's the wrong color yeah i don't know why but i got that too and i like macaroni and cheese but for when he said that color i was just like very elbowey macaroni it looks like a pile of macaroni

if it no no no three three thousand three hundred and thirty three would be macaroni and cheese all right i'm sorry wade i honestly i like your argument but just my soul says no the mark gets that one and purple did feel right purple felt good wade the next number wow lots of high ones the next number is eight thousand five hundred and four i'm going with like a forest green i don't know if it's because you said high number that influenced my thought process but eight five oh four just feels all in grand standing like a tree and therefore i got the forest green from that man my answer is gonna sound so funny because it's related to that reasoning but it's a different color oh i thought you were just gonna say mac and cheese but no okay yes yes okay Because I was thinking more of a slate gray, like the color of mountaintops, not snowy

peaks, but like the middle section of a mountain, like just like that kind of like dark, but shifting tone of a gray, like that just speaks of high places in mountaintops. So it's like a similar reasoning, but I was thinking like slate gray. I would say if it was four, four, four, four, sure. Cause you'd have four peaks, but the eight is too rounded. Notice I didn't say peaks. I didn't say peaks. He has trouble listening, sir. Refer to me as

Proctor. Yes, Proctor. Yes, good Proctor. I do like both of those in a way that I can't describe or in any meaningful way justify. Wade wins that one. Correct answer. Thank you. One more, Mark. you go first on this one oh what an interesting number mark the new number is 5 929 man that's that's throwing a

curveball uh i'm gonna go bold and i'm gonna say that number is pink just because like it feels so different and unique i feel like it's it's not the most vibrant like candy colored pink, but it's more of a subdued, less saturated pink. Like a pastel, like Easter-y pink. Yeah, because I was bouncing between that and yellow. And who knows, maybe it's like a pattern of that. But yeah. Wade?

I'm going to give a really weird but straightforward answer to you. And that's brick red. Because I'm pretty sure that number combination was like a street address of a friend when I was like in first grade or something. And the first thing I thought of was like a brick house. So I got a brick red. Mark, I was completely with you on the pink right up until Wade said the word brick red. And then I was, I was, I, I can't unsee it or unfeel it. Wade, Wade gets that one. Brick red. Interesting.

Fascinating. Just felt like a street address, I guess. I don't know. In Cincinnati, a lot of houses are brick. So I think we're used to seeing brick houses around here. One more, one more. And Wade gets to go first on this one. The last number.

Oh, this is an interesting number too. The last number is 8,897. I'm going to go with dark gray. The eights give me a feeling of infinity and there's two of them and then 97 even though nine's higher than eight numerically just feels like there's something taken off of an eight and it's like trailing off into an infinite void of like gray and blackness but it's not quite black so it's like a really dark gray of just trailing off into the infinite that number is a beautiful mahogany you can see the wood grain in it it's wood inlaid it's got these beautiful textures of brown that catch the light

in a very particular way it's just gorgeous it's an elegant number that needs an elegant color to it that's tough i tough because i like both of those and I feel like I'm more drawn to Wade's. But somehow Mark's feels like more elegant is a good word. Somehow that feels correct. I think I got to pick Mark, even though that's kind of personally disappointing. I'm on your side, Wade. But you lose. On that one.

On that one. What is this revealing about our psyches? We'll get to that. Yeah, going from looking at my list here of goblins high-fiving with bloody knees to what you wear at a burlesque club all the way down to 5994 mac and cheese. This piece of paper I have typed shit out on is concerning to read. It's fine. It's fine.

I think you guys are both good. I think what we've definitely revealed so far is that you're both real boys i do want to say there's one final question it's not a bit it's one question and there's one answer and there is a correct answer and i'm going to say the question and i want you both to blurt out whatever answer you think of as quickly as possible first one to speak the correct answer out loud wins the entire game uh what is the part that makes you a real boy? Penis. Soul. I'm sorry, Mark. Ah, no.

Well, okay, can I be honest? Neither of you said exactly the right answer. I was really hoping we would get straight to it. Balls. No, no, keep trying. This guy. Cleft. No, part colder.

No strings to hold me down. All right, I'm going to give a hint. Everyone get on edge. Wade was close on this very first thing he said. Foreskin. Frenulum. Big dick energy. Perennium.

Corpus cavernosum. Prostate. Bladder. Urethra. Everyone has those. Sperm. 1.3 times more earning potential all right this was this was lenses oh what if it was lenses i was just trying to give mark the win all right no neither of you got that. Okay. The correct answer

for what is the part that makes you a real boy is pee pee, which technically is not that different from penis, but in ways that are important and meaningful, it is different. So no one gets that point. And because I didn't write any of this down and I literally kept track of the points in my head, like a real boy, I believe was very close and wade was ahead almost the entire time except for when mark got the last one correct in the color game and i liked it very much indeed i went three out of five on the color game there's no way yeah but you you hit me with macaroni and cheese no from which I am still reeling. You have no idea how many points...

Just remember the burlesque show! You have no idea how many points macaroni and cheese cost you, okay? Brick red! Remember brick red? Brick red was good. It did not undo macaroni and cheese. Nothing erased the stain of that yellow nonsense. No, no, no, no! This is not happening.

I was trying to keep it fair, and it's only- Did you? Look, I cannot help that I still feel completely icked out from macaroni and cheese. It costs you everything, Wade. Real boys eat mac and cheese with their pee-pees out. That might be true,

but I think you've already- I think this is too little too late from a real boy you know what you're the host and what's fair is fair you're right i'm not even saying you're not a real boy wade you are a real boy it's a it's a competition and mac and cheese is just not a real boy answer you guys learn nothing from the morals and ethics episode because every single loss i've had has been immoral recently i just want to throw that out there but you know that's my loser speech. I'm just taking my time to give it.

So go ahead. Wade, would you like to win because you're complaining right now? Because I'll do that. No, no. Real boys take it to the chin. Oh, that's true. Look at the real boy being a real loser. Congratulations, Mark.

It really did come down. You underperformed, but it came down to the macaroni and cheese. And that's all I can say about it. So do you have a winner speech? Yeah, I would say that being lucky is the realest thing that you can be. And today I was incredibly lucky. I made that luck happen, but also that luck made me happen. And I was PP out the entire episode.

I'd like to think my pee-pee is a lightning rod for luck. And the more out it is, the more luck I have. And that has proven not wrong my entire life. Wade? I gave my speech already. I'm done. I yield my time to the proctor. I thought real boys took it on the chin.

I am taking it to the chin. And now my mouth's numb from so much chin-ing. You seem a little sad. I was just gonna a little you seem a little grumpy nope just incredibly enraged internally and internalizing it more like a real boy do until it comes out in a fit of fucking rage later yeah i could have sworn that like when i went for that bathroom break you guys would have done a handshake deal but um we um... We did shake hands, but we'd said nothing. I mean, to be fair, Wade, you do recall the deal that is already in effect. Oh, I recall. Yes, okay. Well, so you

understand why I had to do what I had to do today. In the grand scheme of everything, it makes sense. I had to. Anyway, there we go. This has been Dr. Bob's Real Boy Test. And even though he is a real boy, Wade is not the realest boy here. Mark is the realest boy here. Congratulations.

It was very interesting. I feel like we learned a lot about each other and ourselves, and I hope the listeners found it very enlightening. And I hope the watchers enjoyed the part where you had to see something on screen for it to make a lot of sense. Sorry. Sorry about that. People are gonna be mad about that. There's nothing to do about it. That's the end of the episode.

Make sure you check out Mark is Markiplier, wait is minion 777 or lord minion 777 he's not always this enraged that's just when he loses and yeah thank you so much make sure you follow the podcast hit the plus sign or the whatever that you get you know get notification we put out like two maybe three episodes a week most weeks we got bonus content we got mondays and fridays it's good stuff. It's all as good or better than this one, at least. That's the end of the episode. Thank you, competitors, for competiting.

Mark will be hosting next week. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Starting to run out of topics, so this winning streak just keeps going. My lunch is here. I'm gonna go grab it. You guys can talk about your big fucking big boy wins. I'll be back. Real boy. Real boy peepees, okay?

Podcast out.