Distractible - Evil League of Evil

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

Let out your best maniacal laugh for Bob, Mark, and Wade as they explore their villainous alter egos and compete for a seat on the "Evil League of Evil!" Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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with the Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection. Visit Tresemme.com to learn more. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable. This episode by Bob, by Bob, by Bob. He's bad. He rides across the podcast, the thoroughbred of sin. He gets the applications that the thoroughbred of sin. He gets the applications that the gents send in.

They need evaluation, so let the games begin. With Plytor, Wade, and Hi-Find Mark, let's get heinous with my Bob. Yes! It's time for Evil League of Evil. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show hello and welcome back to another episode of distractible i'm your host my name is bob and today i will be joined by my competitors slash co-hosts mark and wade yeah hello didn't invite you to speak uh if you've never seen the show before slash co-hosts Mark and Wade. Woo! Woo! Yeah!

Hello. Didn't invite you to speak. If you've never seen the show before, I am the host, which means that I will be picking a winner between the two other guys. And the winner of this episode will host the next episode. That's right.

I'm hosting today because I won the previous episode. Woo! Yeah! Woo! Not an invitation to talk. Hey, this is going to be a rough day rough day guys i want to say i didn't say anything i know points to mark for following my rules i won because i gave the best advice

that i hope nobody followed but also if you did follow it let me know how the birds of prey thing works i'm real curious about that not a lot of details i want to know where people take that um so i'm sure someone's gonna run with that billion dollar idea out there just you know just follow up post follow up maybe post on the subreddit just let us know just curious all these episodes usually start with a small talk we can do it like we usually do you're welcome to speak now that's not words talk words to me it about them there does and has how i felt i believe that oh man underwear is really riding up hold on well you think about i've got an update i have solved the mystery of how to stop our cat from shitting in the basement

close the basement door no a litter box oh did you not have a litter box for keeters we did but he wanted a second one so boy oh boy did he get it and now our floor is shit free the cat loved going outside and like digging in the mulch and pissing and shitting in the mulch now that it's like cold and rainy out all the time he's like not outside so he turned to coming inside and doing it in the basement and i guess a second litter box solved that problem cleaning out the first one getting a second one oh now i like both my litter boxes all of a sudden really made the world a difference uh if you have a cat at least two litter boxes per cats how it should be well keeters is now a cat who owns two litter boxes.

Sounds like someone I know. Who? I don't know. Probably something about ovens. I haven't owned more than an oven in so long. Don't you have two ovens right now? No. Well, unless you got a microwave oven.

I don't even have a toaster oven anymore. I have one oven. I've got of. That's all I've got. I don't need more. i don't need more people don't need more why would you need more is it like tough financial times you had to sell your ovens i didn't sell the ovens specifically who's gonna go first for their ovens what repo man's gonna come in and take your ovens dude i would watch that no so this is a genre of tiktoks that

is a little depressing but also kind of funny the repo guys who like stealth snag people's cars that are getting repossessed, where they're like, they like back into the driveway and pick it up real quick. And the person comes out of the house in their pajamas and they're like, oh, wait a minute. I would love to see that stealth repo oven repo, man. Comes in is like, oh, there's a gas leak around here, sir. I need to investigate. Can I come in? Yeah, yeah yeah sure comes in like unscrews

the oven just runs out full speed doesn't unscrew it at all walks up to the oven and it's just looking at it and then just there's your gas leak runs out the door points to you well I hope you guys earn points or I'm gonna have to host again next week come on any litter box points?

Poopy points for Wade. Poopy points are not very valuable. And oven pity points for Mark. Mark, I'm sorry times have gotten so tough and you had to sell your ovens. But we're just getting started. Is that it? Is that anything else? I want to play Lethal Company.

Okay. Well, after this, we'll all play Lethal Company for like the next 16 hours. But we have to do this first and that's okay i i have a question i have a topic and the topic starts with a question are you gentlemen familiar with the piece of honestly art dr horrible's sing-along blog yes no but is the guy who does that the guy from how i met your mother yeah i don't know if i would define neil patrick harris as the guy from How I Met Your Mother? Yeah, I don't know if I would define Neil Patrick Harris as the guy from How I Met Your Mother, but I guess that was a pretty popular show.

And he's done a lot of things. Neil Patrick Harris was Dr. Horrible. I just forgot his name. I knew that you would get it from that. All right. Anyway, so for Wade and for anyone who doesn't know, Dr. Horrible Sing-Along Blog is a miniseries that was made, starred Neil Patrick Harris. It starred, oh God god what was his name the punch

man punchy mcpuncho the captain hammer was played by nathan fillion i knew that um and then penny who is the other the third main character is played by felicia day all like huge actors uh but this actually took place i believe during the like writer's strike in 2008 or something they made it it's like it has the vibe of like early youtube sketches they made it themselves it's pretty good production value but it's clearly not like a studio production right like it's kind of a home brew thing and it's a musical it's very funny one of the things about this is that the main one of the main characters dr horrible neil patrick harris is a bad guy. And his whole goal, his overarching goal, is he wants to join the Evil League of Evil, which is like the group of baddies in their fictitious town that they live in.

And the Evil League of Evil is headed by Bad Horse, also known by the surname the Thoroughbred of Sin. And he rules the Evil League of Eagle with an iron hoof. Today, I want to be Bad Horse, and I want you to do your best to create villain personas that will convince me you deserve to join the Evil League of Eagle. Eagle? Birds of Prey. There are some members of the League listed in the supporting cast

and their descriptions are very interesting. At the end of the episode, one of you will succeed and join the League and one of you will fail and be forever lost in the anguish of obscurity and you'll never be as noteworthy as us evil people in the League of Evil. Is that contrived enough

context for you boys? Uh, yeah. Yes. I do want to say i think bad horse is one of my favorites i also really like that there's one of the characters in the evil league is called professor normal he's just a guy in ordinary business attire with metal mutton chops who says that he intends to become completely a cyborg by the spring of 2010 which is several years in the future and that where when this takes place but otherwise he's just a guy who's going to be a cyborg i'm also a big fan of the uh fury laika it's a woman dressed in a wedding gown and her name is a play on the saying hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and her backstory is that she was uh engaged and then oh her wedding was to take place at

three mile island but then she got abandoned at the altar and shat on by a radioactive dove that turned into her into a super villain. I didn't read that before. I made notes about this, but I didn't read that part of what I... I want you guys to come up with better personas than these, okay? These are pretty good. Clearly evil.

Clearly members of the League. They've done enough to earn their seats. But I think you guys have what it takes to claim your seats at the Evil League of Eagle. Mr. Horse. Dr. Horse? Dr. Horse? Mr. Horse is my dad. I prefer to go by Bad.

What do you like in a villain? What do you like? You like the name? Is it all in the name? You definitely have to have a name that illustrates what your thing is without being too on the nose. It has to give a strong hint

of what your bit is, right? That's the other thing. To be a good villain, you have to have a bit. My bit is that I'm a horse. I've got one already. Excuse me, I am talking to bad. Yeah, but you were asking questions. You're not ready.

I appreciate a man who does his research. I think you're jumping the gun here, Wade. But yeah, why don't you actually, you know, yeah, go, go. Yeah, go, Wade. Yeah, go, go, go, go. Whatever your name is. If you're so confident, at it sir i am plight hawk okay i gotta say not 100 clear what your thing is from the name but i'm with you you know what plight is you know what a hawk is i only go after who either are in need or are already in a desperately sad situation i see

someone who's clearly having the worst day of their lives swoop in a desperately sad situation i see someone who's clearly having the worst day of their lives swoop in shit right on them i see somebody in need and maybe like had to steal bread to try to feed their family for the day i swoop in i take that bread i hit those that are already at their lowest because i am the plight in the day the plight hawk plight in the day i do appreciate that that's Plight in the day. I do appreciate that. That's not bad. I do. I gotta say, I feel like you left some wordplay on the table.

It sounds like you like to peck them while they're down. I can tell who's already at their lowest through talons and tea leaves. Is that your superpower? Seeing who's already sad? Yes. I know who is at their lowest. And I know they're ripe for the plucking. Yes, I know who is at their lowest, and I know they're ripe for the plucking.

Are you a man-sized hawk or a hawk-sized half-man, half-bird? What do you look like? What's your... It's more like an anamorphs situation where I just turn into a hawk. Is it like a slightly large hawk or is it like a normal kind of hawk that we're talking here? Like a normal-sized looking hawk, but with very fiendish, like evil-looking features. You can tell I'm kind of hawk are we talking here like a normal size looking hawk but with very fiendish like evil looking features you can tell i'm an evil hawk are you in any way stronger or invulnerable because i hawks are fast and all but like like a hawk could probably be defeated by a tennis racket i keep my like human toughness and i'm pretty like physically fit so i go to the gym workout so a tennis racket's not going to beat me but like ultimately when you're a hawk you know you're still going to be somewhat vulnerable but not many people go

after a hawk unless they're going to i guess hit it while it's down or shoot it in the air or something and you know bullets hurt i'm not immune to bullets okay well i you know what as a horse i'm not either so i'm not gonna be too judgmental about that okay well do you have any other do you have any other powers clearly transforming into a hawk and also being able to tell who's sad. Well, the sight of a hawk. So I have really good seeing. I can fly very fast. I can make hawk noises.

Can you make hawk noises while you're in human form? Yeah. Just like I can talk while I'm in hawk form. Yeah. The powers kind of go back and forth. I can't fly in human form. I need the wings. That's an interesting combo.

That's it. You know what? I appreciate the confidence. That's a lot of confidence in uh i gotta say it not an absolute home run right off the bat is it my turn uh mark are you ready yeah absolutely uh does he have to be here can he leave he can leave what do you mean i can leave can you get out can you go you were here for mine why would i leave for yours yeah well i was lurking in the shadows like a villain that is very villainous you're just kind of standing in the spotlight i'm just going to use hawk abilities to watch and listen from a distance anyway that's true he probably

could see and hear us from pretty much wherever well then can you go do that hi hey what's up bad i'm uh sir where's? Ooh. So there's a few different layers to that. Just like there's a few different layers to your skin. Not only will you be asking, where's your skin? I will be wearing your skin. Wow. Gruesome. Well, this is the Extraordinary League of Evil or something.

Evil League of Evil, but we're working on it. I mean, that's really it. It's pretty cut and dry, or cut and wet, actually, usually in my work. Extremely goopy. So you wear people's... Do people generally survive? Not usually. No, it's actually...

Actually, it's a very slow death because it's not the skin that, you know, really... It's not the removal that's a problem. It's the infections that are set in afterwards. Skin is a very important barrier for your, um you know circulatory system and immune system i gotta say that's that the the the violence is not out of place but it's it's good it's very gory it's like extra gory it's just not elegant you know oh i'm so i just two swipes i've gotten down to two swipes and you're like where's my skin and i'm like oh yeah i'm pretty sure he can still hear from over there but that's i mean that is impressive that is that definitely is more elegant than i guess it seemed at first uh description

do you have any super powers though other than other than being able to tolerate wearing another person's skin i guess is that a superpower or are you just i mean tolerate i enjoy it but you know i can't fly or anything so i guess if you like the hawk man for his flight ability that's pretty cool uh but if i skinned him right now i bet if i flap my arms i might be be able to fly. You know, flight is based on, you know, the shape of the feathers and Bernoulli's principle. And I would be curious if you skinned him in human form, if you would, if you would then have the ability to change into hawk form. Can you, have you tried that? Can you steal people's superpowers?

Hey, bird boy. Is he actually not listening? Hey, birdster. Hey, it worked. Oh, there you are. Hey, hey, Birdo hey birdo um yeah thanks for excluding me for most of this episode what's up if i cut off your skin and wear it can i make it change into the bird we're just having like a debate right now i assume if you skinned me in human form and then i turned and you wore it and i turn into a bird because i'm still alive the skin you cut off of me might turn into feathers is the shit how how big is this

bird when you're a bird bird size so it would shrink up it's kind of like 100 cotton but my skin yeah that's not gonna work so sorry you can't skin me i don't know your thing i wasn't here i thought you had good hearing the thing about a good villain you you don't want to be too powerful you know you want to have you want to have just enough to really be a menace without being you know like undefeatable and i i i think you have a lot of vulnerability but also a very interesting you know there's this very interesting and gruesome a bit that you do there the second part of this i'm glad you came back what was your name plight falcon plight hawk plight hawk i'm glad you i'm glad you came back i'm gonna ask you both a series of questions oh do we only get one i come

up with several different dudes oh you have multiple personas i thought we were doing that the whole time so i came up with like three personas well okay do you want to do you want to know my i i have a pertinent assessment then right now i'm just gonna say flight hawk does not beat mr where's my skin sir where oh i forgot dagan united sorry what's his thing where's your skin guess guess what his thing is he either takes my skin or doesn't have any of his own or all of the above but mostly he takes your skin and wears it yeah the whole thing is you'll be saying where's your skin and then i'll i'll be like i'm wearing your skin how do you take my skin is that your power i just lose it when you look at me i have

a knife two swipes and i can take it all off how do you catch a bird well you're not a bird right now look that's that's that's more about general, okay? You don't need to have superpowers in order to catch a bird. So you just have a serial killer beating a man who turns into a bird. No, I'm not killing them. It's the infections. I've been over this. If you were listening with your great bird hearing. I wasn't listening!

I feel like the hawk hearing has been exaggerated. If you really weren't listening from where you were. It's close. And Plate Hawk is definitely a pretty good villain. But Sir, Where's Your Skin would win if this was the final face off. Barring, you know, if there were some more interview questions or whatever. You're in the fight. But if you want to try another Prezona, I'm totally open to that.

Playtalk does not have to be your only submission. I'll throw out a couple of names I had. I had Father Feeble. I had Conniving Gerbil. Either of those catch your fancy? I really want to hear about conniving gerbil. I gotta be honest. It's a gerbil who's become like self-aware and gained like a human level of consciousness.

His job or what he likes to do, get, you know, adopted into a family, make himself at home, like make them like him. And then he picks a member of the family to become his nemesis. And his goal is to break that one down slowly but surely hiding the remote misplacing his keys planting i don't know weed or something on him to make it look like he did something but he slowly like increases his level of warfare to become to the point where it's like a battleground between one member of the family and the gerbil but the rest of the family thinks that the gerbil is innocent

and that this person is just losing their minds. I love that. Does conniving gerbil ultimately kill this person? Or is it just once the life is destroyed, you just move on to the next? Like, where's the line? It depends. It's really depending on the escalation of the battle. If it becomes like a battle royale versus you versus Gerbil, sure.

But the idea is to get everyone to turn against this family member so much that like the family falls apart and then Gerbil gets out, disappears, runs away because the family's destroyed and now it's time to find his next target. That is a tremendous display of villainy. That is long-term, that is slow escalation.

That gives you a lot of opportunities for monologuing to your victim in a context where there's nothing that they can do about it. Oh, yeah. Once everyone thinks that you're crazy and then you reveal yourself to that person and talk to them and they're like, oh, Gerbil, he talked to me. Then it's like, okay, yeah, you're beyond our help now. It's like conniving Gerurable one, family members, zero. Navigating adulting isn't always easy. You're not just working, you're working late. And dinner dates are all, what's your five-year plan? And you're thinking, paying off the bill for this

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Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. New villain. New villain coming in. Uh-huh, sure. I'm bees in your butt. You need me to explain? I would like to let you explain in your own words how bees in your butt works. Well, okay, so that name, actually,

I've been workshopping for a while. It originally was the hive hind, but people didn't really connect exactly what I was able to do. But it wasn't, yeah, it just wasn't working. And so people were often like surprised, like, ow, I've got this sudden rapid series of pains in my asshole. And they were like, they didn't know it was you. But if I- You mean your honey hole?

That's also was another name, but it just like like it kind of like got into a sexual thing. And I didn't I'm not about that. It's a very like not sexy thing to happen. So I went with bees in your butt. So, yeah, I guess that is my next question. Are you the bees? No, no, no. OK, so you're not actually entering people's butts.

You're you're manifesting bees inside of people's butts. Yeah. Yeah. It's actually what it is, is I open a wormhole to the nearest hive in the area. Like when the bees go extinct, I'm kind of fucked. But for now, it's like it's I think I've tested about like a three mile radius. So I've got a good radius. I can pull bees.

I can pull a lot of bees. There's really no limit. I can pull bees. I can pull a lot of bees. There's really no limit. If I can open multiple. And so I can just like cram every bee in the area into someone's butt at will. I feel like I have to ask, have you tried anything else with the wormholes? Yeah. So I've tried it with wasps. It kind of has the same effect, but you know, bees in your butt kind of the alliteration is nice. Well, so could you like, if you were in the vault of a bank per se, could you open up a thing and maybe deposit, I don't know, gold bars into the nearest beehive? Does it go the other way? How does that work? No, no, I can't take them out once they're in. It's kind of a one-way

bee to butt tunnel. Okay, interesting. That's an interesting limit. I don't take them out once they're in. It's kind of a one way beat but tunnel. OK, interesting. That's an interesting limit. I don't think it would be good to have gold bars in your butt. It wouldn't hurt as bad. I mean, probably hurt, but I don't know. In terms of like heisting, it might be useful if you paired if you paired with the right heist partner, that would potentially be something that would be, you know, kind of a kind of

an interesting take. I'm just really like, this is a passion thing for me. And so like, I love the workshopping, but I've like, you know, I've thought this through. I've grew up with this powerful. I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to change your persona. I'm just saying as part of the league, working on like group projects is kind of an expectation oh yeah yeah i'll be fine you know if i'm part of a heist i'll be like you point to the security guard bees in his butt or her butt immediately does it work if you bring your own bees can you have like a mobile bee hive that do you park somewhere nearby

if you're doing a heist or something yeah i guess but it's kind of mean to of mean to the... I mean, I don't want to do that to the bees. Well, you could responsibly... You could be a responsible beekeeper. I mean, there's ways to raise bees that's healthy and, you know, that they would thrive and it'd be... I feel like putting them in people's butts is probably the worst thing that you can do to a bee. It's kind of a...

Well, okay, so I'm allergic to bees. So having them around... A lot of the bees in the area especially this city they don't like me turns out they don't like being in people's butts uh so they i don't know how but they remember that i'm the one and i'm like i've never even seen you but the bees just like really really don't like me so i i hope that whenever it goes into someone's butt that they're clenching very hard because if they get out of the butt i'm in trouble i'm because one sting and i'm anaphylaxis i really i do i appreciate the weakness to your own power that's very high level

uh villain trait and that is uh just really classic so that's uh bees i have to say the name name is a little on the nose but you said you're working on it well no i mean if you like hive hind that could be it. Well, if people didn't get it, that's my fear with that, right? Because you got it. That's the people need to get it. But yeah, that's, you know, you could evolve that. That's OK.

This is another close one. We've got bees in your butt versus conniving gerbil. I gotta say, being allergic to your own superpower is just about my favorite villain weakness that I've ever heard of. The way that conniving gerbil does his business and the long, I mean, years long torment, just absolute agony you can put these people through. And you don't even kill them. A lot of villains, you know, the final escalation is you have to you have to kill somebody or something yours is non-violent torment that's so hard to in today's day and age as a villain that's so hard to see i feel like conniving gerbil kind of has the edge uh but like i said if you have other personas uh we're still open it's and if you

want to move on to questions we could do questions questions. I'll take questions because I feel confident. So, both of you, say that you're in the league. Now, we're planning a heist. And you're each being put to use. Your skills are being planned to be implemented in some big heist. Big thing, big stuff for the league. Good stuff. And it's very exciting.

And somebody is proposing an idea that's going to get your part of the heist cut. So you're no longer going to be part of it. You're still in the league. It's not like you're getting kicked out. But how do you deal with that inter-league discord? How do you resolve the issue? And what do you do to try and maintain your role in the heist because obviously that's you know that's why we're here you want to be in the show you know is this is

this you is this you are you no no i i'm i'm just i'm just doing my thing but like some other member of the league who is basically equal to you maybe more senior but basically equal is is trying to cut you out and trying to put their own thing into the heist they're trying to replace you this is when conniving gerbil reveals like a hidden part of their brilliance and power that no one knew was there this is when they go to that person and they talk to them about like their family let's say they have like a daughter that daughter has a pet a puppy a bird a gerbil a mouse this is when conniving gerbil says your kid loves her pet right what if i were to tell you that their pet works for me you want your daughter to be happy you cut yourself out of this deal not me you know what i can do don't fuck with

me i will say in in the in the villain world having kids having family and kids not always a given and uh kids having pets if especially if they're villains i guess a fair chance you're relying on a lot of context there i think that would probably be effective if someone did have a kid but maybe not so widely applicable hive hind sorry no uh bees in your butt i was actually thinking of another name if i could throw it out there i just i just thought of it buzz but it's a little less specific than the bees because it could be wasps or, you know, there's lots of stuff that buzzes. All right.

Anyway, if someone was trying to cut me out of the deal, boom, bees. No, no talking. No monologuing. No, but yeah. No, they're cutting. Well, I mean, wait, is this a trick question? I go up and talk to them. I talk to them.

I ask why? I want to hear how you would handle it. I don't want there's no right answer. Is this an amount of bees that would be lethal or is this a non-lethal bee butt situation? I'm actually really glad you asked. There's a fine line between too many bees and I have to analyze the capacity of their butthole because if you put too many bees in, they can't move around a sting. So it's literally just like, boom, there's something in my butt, but they don't know it's bees, right?

They only know it's bees. If I study the capacity and I gauge it right, sometimes the wormhole can be a little, like if it's far away, I don't really know what the size and amount of bees, but it's a really delicate balance and it's taken many years so do you perform colonoscopies how do you figure out the butthole capacity well i just kind of look and i'm like that's a big butt and i i assume like the amount of glute outside can sometimes compress the amount of space inside so i like i have to kind of like do an estimation of like the bigger the butt the smaller the hole sometimes other times it's completely some people just have the most cavernous ass um but it's like just a weird thing like that's a freak one in you

know a million if if i be someone's butt and they're not immediately like i usually like tone back the bees yeah well it's kind of like baking right you you can always add more bees but you can't really take can't really put the bees back in the hole. Yeah. So if usually I go with just a few bees. Well, I got to say that would be pretty effective. No, but I talked to them. I talked to them first. I talked to them because, because we're in the same league. I'm going to, I'm going to take your honest answer.

And I like it. Villains don't have to be cordial with each other. We're allowed to be professional because we are in the league together. But like, I, I think that your answer is more widely applicable. Well've had time to think about it can i add to mine before you make a ruling well you didn't think before you spoke earlier well i did but i one of us had to go first and one of us had 10 minutes to think about it and it wasn't me why'd you take 10 minutes for your answer you did i just put boom beats no you took 10 minutes you gave me 10 minutes because you took that long you You've got one power.

You put bees in butts. It's not that complicated. You want bees in your butt? Do you want bees in your butt right now? I'm conniving. I take time. My plans are thought out. Do you want bees in your butt right now?

I will put every hive in your ass. Who says the bees will listen to you? They don't have a choice. They don't like it. I do think that's sort of a presumed part of his powers actually yeah he doesn't listen to anybody he just puts them there they do their own thing his powers he makes a wormhole look bees aren't really thinking they just are like where am i sting sting that's kind of what's going on petty is not a good look for a villain uh conniving

hamster gerbil fuck you if you want me to remember your name maybe it needs to be a little more memorable uh what did you want to add to your answer? Because right now you're not looking so hot. I imagine conniving gerbil either has other gerbils or animals in on the loop of like, okay, this person's got a pet. I'm going to get in with that. Or he's already done his investigation. I mean, he's a gerbil.

He's small. He can get around. You guys are busy putting bees and butts or doing whatever the fuck. Conniving gerbil has gone around. Oh, you want in on the heist? You've got some amazing plan? I hide the plans. Can I have him dribble has gone around. Oh, you want in on the heist. You've got some amazing plan. I hide the plans. I fuck with where your storage of things are.

I mess with your life to make you look disorganized and unprepared. And that way, whenever you think you're getting in my spot on the heist, bad horse or whatever the fuck your name is, gets to look over and is like, well, it looks like you're not as well prepared as I thought. Gerbil, you're back in. That's right. I remember your name now because this fuck over here, he's not even ready for the meeting. You know what?

I appreciate that you insulted me directly. That's very bold and villainy, villainous of you. But I have to say, jumping immediately to physical retaliation in this case, just about the most villainous thing I could imagine. And this is not the last question, but I do think that that back and forth helped bees in your butt. I'm sorry, hive hind. No, I'm sorry, buzz butt.

Any of them, whatever you want, really, asshole. How many bees are gonna fit in my ass? I'm a gerbil. Good luck. You've got about a 0.4 liter capacious butt. I think you should probably not mess with the man who puts bees into butts on a whim. I don't think gerbils can handle a lot of bees in the butt.

I've got to be honest. You know what? Here's some meta for you. What if I crawl into his ass? He puts the bees into my ass. They don't fit. And all of a sudden, bees in your butt is beat his own ass. Don't crawl in my butt?

I don't. That's not cool, man. You're not like some sort of super fast gerbil or anything, as far as I understand it. You'd have to really sneak up on him. But he does sleep, I guess. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I do. But no, it's just like that's kind of weird. It's kind of just creepy.

So could you not? So let's be clear. When it comes to shipping internationally, can I provide trade documents electronically? Mm-hmm. The answer is FedEx. Okay. But what about estimating duties and taxes on my shipments? How do I find all The answer is FedEx. Okay. But what about estimating duties and taxes

on my shipments? How do I find all the... Also FedEx. Impressive. Is there a regulatory specialist I can ask about? FedEx. Oh.

But let's say that... FedEx. What a... FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping.

FedEx. Where now meets next. Final question. This is more, this is like a personal values question. You are in the perfect position to take one of three things. Target number one is a wall safe filled with gold bars and bearer bonds, which are, you know which basically have money value for whoever holds them.

There is the ambassador's daughter. Her bodyguard has been distracted, and so she is vulnerable, so you can kidnap the ambassador's daughter. You're not going to hurt her, just, you know, then you can get stuff from the ambassador. And also, you can go to the ballroom,

terrorize the entire group of individuals who are here at the ambassador's huge soiree and monologue about the heist that you're going to pull off. That's going to be even more impressive than all the stuff that you had to do tonight to get into this party to just monologue to those people and terrorize them at their fancy uppity party. One of those three things is doable, but not all of them. Which one do you go for if you're in that position? Here's the thing. I wouldn't kidnap the ambassador's daughter. I would go and be comforting to her, get adopted into the family, and then start a whole nother con. The ambassador's family travels a lot, being an an ambassador and they really can't have pets going from country to country doing whatever uh the daughter would love to have you as a pet but dad says no be our little secret she'd sneak me in a purse or a bag we'd find a way you convince her to rebel a little bit you get her on your side

then once you're into the fine fine once you're in the family what's your end game i find out i find out who the target is whether it's in in that family. Tragic, you know, shoebox incident. Gerbil dies and I figure out who my target is based on a friend on the family, someone higher up. I just enjoy the torture of the moment. I don't need gold. I don't need all the money stuff. The families I move into, they provide, they feed me, whatever. It's about finding the next target. Bold answer to completely ignore my premise, but I appreciate it. Here's the thing. If I have time to make friendly with the daughter, not kidnap her, but just be a friendly little gerbil that gives her a moment of comfort that I can then be taken in with her.

If I had time to also monologue and go over a plan that I wasn't even going to pull off, the fake heist boast that we were about to do, like I'm going to get into your safe and get your gold bars. I would totally give my gerbil monologue before pulling a fast one and ending up comforting the ambassador's daughter and going off with her into whatever my next thing was. You definitely can't do both of those things. I'm just going to keep that as a hard, as a hard line, but I appreciate your answer. Well, the reason I ask is you said kidnapping her daughter, but if I wasn't kidnapping,

all I'm doing is comforting for a moment. So I wouldn't take long. That's fair. That's fair. That's fair. Buzzy, buzzy booty. So with the monologue, is that like for the reason of distraction or is it just a monologue? No, that's just for your own ego. That's just just to enjoy the moment and to warn them about what you're going to do so that it's more impressive when you still pull it off in the future.

It creates that opportunity for you. Can I take that one? Because I feel like it would just be a great opportunity for me to workshop these names. I really don't often have an audience. It's usually a one-on-one thing, but I can pull in bees from pretty much everywhere to unlimited number of butts. So what I do is I would get up on the staircase. I'm assuming it's a big party, a big staircase and whatever, red carpet and i go like beware yeah yeah you get it beware and then i i i get all

their attention they're all looking at me i'll have great costume i'm assuming you have a tailor oh yeah no obviously full full full stage costuming tailoring you can have elegant b you can have circus b we can oh i don't want to be i don't like bees i don't want to look like a bee no just like a nice suit that's evil right i mean that's that's classic i guess but can you have some kind of can you have a bee ring or something why do i the bees are evident your your clothes have to suggest who you are in a way that's too obvious but also unnoticed completely by anyone around you. Dr. Beevil. I don't know why he's helping you, but I love that. That's great.

That actually is really good. Do you have a doctorate? I could get one. If you could get some kind of doctorate, then you could absolutely go by Dr. Beevil. This is how conniving gerbil gets in. He helps just enough to get you to accept. And the next thing you know, I pull a fast one on you. So yeah, Dr. Beevil. Oh, I got you. Anyway, so what I do is I would use it as an opportunity. to get you to accept and the next thing you know i pull a fast one on you so yeah dr bevel oh i got you anyway so what i do is i would use it as an opportunity i was gonna workshop the name but honestly i feel like if i'm up at the top like it's me dr bevel and then you know i'll make an example out of one i'm gonna be there but like ah they're screaming on the floor and then i'll say

like dr bevel we'll do the same to you and then i'll really gauge like what they how they're feeling that if they're feeling pretty scared about that that'll be a good opportunity uh and if that's not working and then then i'll like subtly work in the other names see if they remember because if they don't remember the first name then that's an indication that they're like oh no uh so it was like buzz butts here to end your rear. Yeah. You know, and so I'll like keep running through that in between the like, you know, world domination stuff. All the society will collapse under the heel of my evil boot and stuff like that.

And then what I'll do is I'll end it with like, don't try anything. Don't call the cops or be in the be in your butthole. Oh, make you pay. But yeah, I feel like feel like you know just like i don't get a platform a lot and not many people listen to me you know and my communication is mostly them screaming ah bees are in my ass i do have one one follow-up dr beevil how how commonly do you find that people know without any explanation that it is in fact bees in their ass do you feel like that people

just are like oh my ass hurts or is it do they know can they tell somehow they usually just think that they have a sudden hernia that's usually like but I tell them I tell them watch that's why I went with bees in your butt so they know my name and they're like it instantly associates

that's part of the whole villain persona you're gonna you're gonna you you have to lay it out for them they don't have to immediately understand to suffer and i that's so that's okay yeah but the thing is like they're not really listening to me afterwards i gotta admit i tried this is why i don't often have like a whole room is like usually when i'm like god bees in your butt is struck again and then they're just kind of writhing on the ground. And they really they don't even notice I'm there half the time. They're like totally oblivious. They're so focused on the pain in their butt.

OK, OK. No, that's you know what? Thank you very much, both of you, for your time and your answers. Very interesting. I have to say for that last question, there was a correct answer. And the correct answer was to monologue that was obvious that's a very villainous behavior and like you said all of us struggle to get a platform you know to really get our message out about how the society is collapsing all that

stuff and it's it's important to take opportunities i think to put that out there, but I do have to say somehow conniving hamster. Was it terrible? Somehow your answer was both completely wrong, but also correct and like less correct than the right answer was, but still correct in a way that like scored some points. I appreciated it. I appreciated it. I couldn't give,

I could not give the like me speech in that situation because the way conniving gerbil works is he gets after that one person and that's when he reveals himself to do it in front of a whole crowd would kind of destroy the purpose unless he'd like invaded like unless the the whole plan was he'd invaded each of their lives individual and they all thought he was their gerbil and then he reveals all at once then he would but as part of like a heist with the whole crew it wouldn't make sense it's that one person that he goes in like you know he's got to get the financial information he's gonna get the passwords it's that person he would monologue to to reveal himself revealing to everybody would have to be he would involve with each of them

individually because the way he works is more on an individual psychological breakdown i had to stay true to conniving gerbil that's why he went for the girl this has been a tight race i did say that at the beginning of the question section conniving gerbil was uh in the lead i think uh dr beevil really clawed a lot of points back and actually i think took the lead at a certain point um but i am gonna am going to make my final assessment now. And because we are villains, I'm going to do it while you're both here in front of you. Uh, and I have to say that the, uh,

villain who will be joining the evil league of evil is going to have to be conniving gerbil. I now listen, Dr. Beville, listen, I think you've got a great talent. I think you should,

I think you should reapply the next time an opening comes up. I think you were right there. I think on a different day, against a different opponent, you would have gotten in. It's not that you're not a great villain. It's just that I gotta respect the long view that

the gerbil has. He's talking years, he's talking decades, and the impact that he has, beyond the one person that he really messes up, is almost inconsequential. We're trying to make an impact on the world by doing almost nothing, but also very dramatic and over... You see what I'm saying? The bees is just a very real and immediate consequence.

And I think there's a lot of refining you could do before you apply again that'll really help you out in the future. You okay? Do you have any remarks I guess you want to make as the as the loser? And I'm sorry I do it by the rules of how the league practices. I have to call you today's loser. Do you have like a loser speech or something? Thank you for the... eat or something thank you for the upwards okay you know what can i be gerbil i see what you did here and that was just a masterful takedown of this poor schmuck i gave him his name his name moving forward he gets to attribute to conniving gerbil the one who took him down you you are both the person who named him and the person who took joy from him all in one fell swoop and that that right there's why we got to respect game respects game conniving durable congratulations

welcome to the evil league of evil as today's winner and uh best villain in this room possibly including myself which is a high praise uh do you have a winner's uh speech you might have looked down on me from the start but throughout this episode and throughout life, I've been there by your side, learning, studying, watching, relishing that underdog role while you grandiosely threw bees or whatever your powers may be and showed the world what you had. I was there in the shadows watching. And then as I've always done, when the iron was hot, I struck your joys. I brought those to you. Your pains, that was me too. Now that the joy is gone and the pain is real, you get to see that your entire life has become about me.

So good luck, Dr. Beevil. You'll never forget conniving gerbil. But I will forget you. Uh, you won't forget this. Bees in your butt. How many could fit into my ass? Like, oh you'd be surprised like four or five definitely if you're just an actual gerbil i think he'll just explode from the number of bees does your wormhole change depending on what animal you're putting it into or like if there was a giant like elephant you'd still only put like five bees no i could put as many bees as i want i don't i don't

know what i expected but that was not quite what i expected and i can't tell if that was a fun episode or the cringiest thing that i've ever made you do on this podcast i i feel like plight hawk was underrated i think one of plight hawk's main and only problems is that i don't like the name night hawk parody plight hawk oh so good so good. No, it's too many consonants. It needs some air in it. It needs a little, it needs something longer. There's literally a character named Nighthawk who's basically the same,

but with a P instead of an N. Plighthawk. Plighthawk is just a, it doesn't come out of the mouth in a way that works for me. Yeah, Miss Ursh is Polite Hawk. Oh, it's the Polite Hawk. If you flew over and somebody was is polite hawk oh it's the polite hawk if you flew over and somebody was like oh no it's polite hawk people would be like flight flight hawk what are

you saying it needs it's just too something i mean superman's iconic and everyone nobody could tell if he was a bird or a plane but like you know it happens he's a good guy though they could suck it anyway thank you for listening to the episode and or watching it if you watched because it's available to watch on spotify that's the end of the episode uh you can check out mark mark plier wade at lordmania777 i am my skirm and uh you know make sure you like follow the thing or whatever so you get notifications and junk most weeks we're gonna have like three episodes now because we're doing bonus ones wade wins which means wade will be hosting next time congratulations that's all i

got so i guess i'll do the thing that we say at the end i want to see a commercial i want to see an animated version of this where like there's the villain horse trying to recruit people and dr beevil who doesn't know his name and like can i even gerbil i want i want to see the episode of this show that this was i hope i hope that animators animate it i hope that people on the subreddit do drawings or whatever i want to see a comic of this and not just with our characters but more like failed villain applications to the league of villainy like god that sounds funny i want it oh all i all i have to say is that thing we say at the end of the podcast podcast out