Distractible - Fourth of Poo-ly

Episode Date: July 7, 2025

What's more American than releasing a 4th of July special 3 days after the 4th of July? This episode is brought to you by vitaminwater. Grab a vitaminwater today. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode of Distractable is presented by Vitamin Water. Some drinks are fun, some are functional, but Vitamin Water said, why not both? There is nothing more refreshing than like a nice Vitamin Water ice cold sip in the heat. I only drink zero sugar drinks, so of course I'm a fan of the zero sugar, rehydrate, pineapple passion fruit. I'm a big pineapple guy. Pineapple good. Born in New York City, built for people who work hard and play hard. Grab a vitamin water today.

Copyright 2025, Glass-O. Vitamin water is a registered trademark of Glass-O. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Wheatless Wade witnesses an apocalypse, then gets the guys to channel porcelain patriotism and anal bleaching. B-day-less Bob waxes wet bald weather girl, refutes nude carpentry, proposes shit stadia,

and beer stillsuits. Mayor Stosso Mark mocks the baked Brits, hides narcotics, and rejects homeroticism for hand drills. From deadly domes to caliber crappers. It's time for... for hand drills from deadly domes to caliber crappers. Yes! It's time for fourth of Poo Lai. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted

and enjoy the show. Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Distractable. I'm today's host, Wade. We are recording, I just double checked. Joined as always by my co-hosts, Mark and Bob. Hey boys. Hello. Hi. He's on top of things today.

Is something funny? Bob, did I miss something? I'm just glad you double checked that we're recording. I was so busy thinking about my great episode that I didn't pay attention to whether or not you clicked the magic button. I've lost recordings plenty because I wasn't recording when I thought I was, or I was only recording my face and not the game, I've done that plenty, everything muted. I don't have to record my face, I'm fine.

I was like, oh my God, my camcorder's not rolling. Oh wow, wow. You scared me there, yeah, listen, we record a lot of things in a lot of different ways, you know Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, I know, you know Do you know? This is a show where stuff happens anyway, small talk. What's up guys? Not mark, Ohio guys. Wait, what the fuck? We're in a heat dome. You are I have heard of this

Oh fuck. We're in a heat dome. You are, I have heard of this. I was gonna date this episode a little bit, but we're in a heat dome. It was hot at seven o'clock this morning, which was wild to me. I stepped out the door and I was like, ooh. It was hot all night.

I let the dog out last night before bed at like late, like after midnight. And I opened the door and still got that like, oof of hot humid air, like it was the middle of the afternoon. But worse than that, I don't know if this is true and I don't know if it's officially forecasted, but this is the kind of weather that apparently precipitates, I didn't look up how to pronounce this, der, derikos, deri- Not derico, no.

Derechao, is that really how you pronounce that? Derechao when you eat a lot of dairy. Derecho. All right. This is apparently the kind of weather that precipitates derechos, which is a Spanish word, I think, which means straight. But anyway, it's not tornadoes, but this kind of like crazy heat just sitting on an area with humidity and stuff apparently can cause a type of storm formation called a derecho, which is like a straight lime

Windstorm there was one in 2012 that was crazy Chime windstorm so it creates like a bands of storms So usually generally in the Midwest there's if there's like a storm that moves through, it's like one thing, right? There'll be one like band of storms and you kind of look on the map and you can see like, whoop, there it is. Derechos look like band of storms break, band of storms break, band of storms break, and

they can have winds pushing up towards 100 miles an hour, but they're not like circular winds like in a tornado and they don't it doesn't come and go it's storms that blow in with a violent winds terrible winds I vaguely remember the one that happened in 2012 and I remember it being really fucking crazy for like a few days I don't know if this is forecasted but apparently we're in the danger zone for having a derecho form on us and below through with strong winds, crazy ass storms could last for

a long time. Just kind of persistently. That sounds like the Santa Anna winds, the ones that caused the fires or I guess exacerbated the fires. Some of the causes were from the winds, but yeah, that was like a, it's like a week long wind event. But it's not dry over there. It's very humid, isn't it? It is very humid.

It's super humid, yes. Yeah, so fire risk is not a thing over there, but. And we have all the cicadas are dying. It's like quieter out now, but there's just sad cicadas that their last gasp everywhere. And I just have this horrible vision of the derecho blowing all of their corpses at the windows repeatedly and just thudding. I mean, that will happen. But trust me, they're not sad. They're all satisfied. It's the afterglow. They all just boned for a month straight and it's like, and they're dying.

But, you know, that's what they do. Yeah. So don't be sad. It's so much quieter now. It's weird. Anyway, it'll probably be fine, but it might be pretty crazy out here. And God, I hope anyone who's stuck in this area of the Midwest and the sort of south where it's hot as fuck is like has air conditioning and it's fine because it's actually wicked outside. Right now in Ohio, it's like 94 degrees,

but it's like 47% humidity. Have you guys ever heard of wet bulb, wet glass bulb temperature thing? Which is effectively a way to measure like, humans cool down naturally by sweating, right? So it's a way you put a wet towel around a glass bulb and it's a way to measure at what temperature your sweat is gonna evaporate and give you like cooling

properties or like how it feels kind of. Currently the wet bulb temperature or yesterday I think it was was like 88 which is really high for that measure. Means that sweating is not gonna cool you down very much because it's hot and humid outside and it makes... It won't evaporate. Yeah there's no there's nowhere for your sweat to evaporate. It's already moist everywhere. Anyway, it's just fucking hot. I hope everyone who's listening, I mean, this might just probably coming out on the other side of it, hopefully from where we are right now.

But don't fuck around. It's not just like, oh, it's hot out. This is the kind of hot where like bad things can happen. If you get caught somewhere and you don't have shade or you don't have air conditioning or you don't have a way to get inside a building, it's actually pretty dangerous. The high today is 95, I think, but it feels like 108. Yeah, it's not great. It's a humid heat. You know how they always say, oh, it's hot in

California, Southern California, but it's a dry heat. It's the exact opposite of that here. It's not hot in Ohio, except when it is is and it's a wet heat You don't want the wet Yeah, Amy was just over there You know visiting a friend and then there was a some family events She was going to and so she was telling me about how bad it was because she went to Cedar Point While she was out there and it was one of the hottest days She almost passed out on a roller coaster just like yikes She was on one of the intense ones. She almost passed out on a roller coaster, just like. Yikes. She was on one of the intense ones

and it wasn't from the intensity, it was just cause it was that hot and just the sun beating down you and no way to like cool down. It's crazy. And the UK also is getting it pretty bad because the UK, they're not used to extreme heat. Let's make fun of them for how low they think hot is.

Oh, 38 centigrade. Oh no. extreme heat. Let's make fun of them for how low they think hot is. 38 centigrade. Oh no. I love that online debate where people who live in places where it's the fucking desert are like, that's not hot! Well, yeah, it is. If you live in the UK, you don't have air conditioning. It's like Jesus. Yeah, they don't have air conditioning. That's the thing is like they have no air conditioning because they don't they have not needed it except for a few times out of the year. But you know nowadays it's it's not even just like a hey, you just gotta tough it out. No air conditioning, because they have not needed it except for a few times out of the year. But, you know, nowadays, it's not even just like a hay, you just gotta tough it out. No, heat is shockingly deadly. Surprisingly deadly. Cold can be too, I hear.

Cold also surprisingly deadly. Humans are wimps. What can we do? Big wimps over here. Gotta have air conditioning to wimpy humans. Oh, it's below freezing. Oh no my toes. Oh no the water in your body is turning solid. Oh no. You're so cool. Take that world. How many points did I earn for mocking them with? I'll give you two mocking points. I was mocking first. I was well I was mocking second. I don't know when I was mocking was I mocking first you kind of were mocking first, but I was mocking better All right, Mark. You get three mocking points. Whoa. I was mocking first. You just agreed that mark was what the I disagree now Going for the eating score.

What is that can of? Oh, it's just a Waterloo that's like fancy. Oh yeah. It's just like crazy colors. No, it'll never. It's Guy Fieri's flavor town Waterloo. Oh nice. Tastes like water is the thing.

So it is hot. Mark, did you want to give us an update? It was just Bob's right? Yeah. I just talked a lot about weather because I'm old now. Are you gonna, do you want to? Is it my turn? I don't know. I guess. Unless Bob wants to. I can just keep talking. I got a. I got food in my mouth. Come on, give me a chance here.

Well, I got a quick one. This is a sad one, but I, I learned this and I just want to say I love this person. I don't get too connected to celebrities. And so like a lot of people will get very upset if celebrities pass away or whatever. This one was just surprising to me. I generally really like Anne Burrell. I watched Worst Cooks in America.

I like her as like a guest host on shows on Food Network. She passed away unexpectedly recently. And just like literally she like did an improv show. She was part of like an improv class at I think it was Second City in New York or something She like did an improv show with her group and then went home that night and everything seemed fine And then she just passed away unexpectedly I don't know if more details have come out when this episode airs versus when we're recording it, but she's awesome

I always like Dan Burrell. It's's disappointing. Well, that's sad. What is sad? Uh, as far as me and my life goes, my mom is coming into town. You sound so happy! I was gonna say, is this equally as sad or is this... No, it's a funny thing. It's a funny thing. You know, my birthday, right? Oh, yeah. By the time it's come out, it's so funny. My mom. I love her and she's my mom, of course but she's super obsessed about the books that she's writing has written and has rewritten and wanting to get published and

a long time ago like she wrote it and I Was like I would love to make a documentary about this and I think that might be the vehicle for you You wrote this story, but you know, it needs, you know, it's not quite English is not her native language. I'm not saying it's poorly written, but it's hard, like for her to translate her speaking ability, which is very good into writing sometimes because different skill set long story short, that was years ago. And I was like, I'll make a documentary. And then I did that. That was Markiplier from North Korea did that to sell her story and try to make one again. Now she's very much like Ben Adam. I like book published and I've been super slammed by the movie that I haven't been able to.

So she's coming to visit to corner me to get to publish her book. Slash for my birthday! So for my birthday, I get to be cornered and work on her- She's giving you the gift of publishing her book with her. And it's like, I'm very- it's lovely that she's coming to visit, but this one visit is very not transparent at all. It's very obvious what this one's for. It's to work on the book. And I'm happy to do that because I have put it off and I've meant to do it for a while

and she wants it sold. So I want to tell everyone that my mom's book is on the way. We're going to have a roundtable about it to talk plan. I'm going to get Ben over there. I'm going to drag Ben in the room, plop him down andtable about it to talk plan I'm gonna get Ben over there I'm gonna drag Ben in the room plopping down and he's gonna do the manager thing like this books gonna be great it's gonna be amazing and here's how we're gonna do it and he'll outline the panel plan and everything will be great what's coming first the book or our merch oh they're completely

separate things man why you gotta be so jealous, man? Tone the jealousy down. How you gonna backburner us, Mark? It's my birthday, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's your birthday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. Yeah, yeah, who cares? Answer the question. Which one's coming first? Hahaha! Can always trust Wade to circle it back to what's in it for him. Yeah, let's get to the core of this. The merch, the merch will be first.

Alright, what's coming first? The merch or your movie? The merch, the merch, the merch will be first. Alright, what's coming first, the merch or your movie? The merch, the merch, the merch will be first. Yeah, I'm just gonna call them out like that. Shake your head. I'm doing literally all of it, you know? What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm marking down points, bud. Yeah, okay, alright, yeah, alright. How many points I get for all the work?

I gave three points to Mama player just now. Does Mark get any of those or is that just? You got some amount of points written here. Oh, okay. Show my mouth, I'll take that. I know what you're eating Mark, cause you showed it and when you started making crunching sounds, I literally smelled

the white cheddar cheese at dust. Like instinctively, I was just like, oof. Molly likes the extra toasty cheddar ones. I love those things. Extra toasty also good. I like normal boring Cheez-Its, because I'm me. You're a normal boring Cheez-It? I kinda am. That's not entirely false. This episode is brought to you by Apple Cash.

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There's also a cool feature called Tap to Cash that lets you pay somebody nearby by holding your iPhone near theirs. Switch to Apple Cash and start sending privately. Apple Cash services are provided by Green Dot Bank, member FDIC. Alright, if I've done my maths correctly and there's at least a 37.962% chance I did not, today in the good ol' of A, is the 4th of July. Woo, 4th of July Independence Day, woo woo woo, yeah America. I really hope it's not, but I think you're right.

It was and or will be, woo, 4th of July. All right, 37.962%, it's not, but all right. Oh, say can, okay, anyway. Oh my God, he's right. There was barely a 60% chance of that happening. Ba ba da, ba ba da, ba ba da da bow. Just to brainstorm, this isn't even for points, but when you think of America, name like,

I don't know, three things a piece that just you think of. Corn. Hang on, I got a sneeze coming. Sneezing. America name like I don't know three things a piece that just you think of corn yeah I guess these come sneezing sneezing sneezing is a big one for me sneezing purple corn majesty from corn to shining corn lots of corn and sneezing Rocky Mountains Rocky Mountains and corn corn mountains don't walk alone in the Appalachian if you hear your name in the Appalachian, don't answer it. Okay, creepy mountains. Rocky mountains, creepy mountains, corn.

We got the rocky from rocky mountains, still creepy mountains. Somehow corn is the closest to what I'm going for, but I don't know why. Beer, football. Okay. Baseball, yes. Yeah, I guess.

Military might, military dominance. Yeah, 4th of July is all about fireworks and big booms. We love our big booms. Big booms, big booms. But with big booms come big poos, which is why corn was close. Today we're talking about toilets! Happy 4th of July! we're talking about toilets! Happy birthday, July! of all the titles from the last episode that you could have picked from, why's it gotta be toilet trouble or whatever it was let me tell you the one that inspired this it was shirts off gloves on there was a toilet title! there was literally a toilet one!

I'm going for shirts off gloves on because I didn't write down the toilet title. It was like toilets and triumph It was like it was a good title wish I'd written it down All right gloves off shirts on shirts on gloves off What was it shirts off gloves on or toilets triumphs either way? It's the 4th of July and what we're gonna do is we're gonna design different Toilets for different things all of them involve pooping and pee What else can you do while you're sitting there your hands are usually pretty free? So you know what we're gonna design some great toilets so we can multitask

This is America is that what you think of when you think of America multitasking. I think of a lot of shit I don't think the toilet design needs a lot of refinement no no not the toilet the the room oh okay we're making our poo rooms multitaskable for different things we can't like maybe you guys come with a Swiss army knife design that does a whole bunch but like I'm thinking you have like for example your woodwork shop toilet where you can have your saw bench that comes in Over top like a when you put a baby in a high chair, and it's got a little table But for sawing wood while you saw logs you mean that the baby changing stations in the bathroom Yeah, but for woodwork. I gotta be honest

I don't know if I'd want to be doing woodwork with my pants down because sawdust already gets everywhere Even if you have a tucked-in shirt, this is murica Quit thinking Ohio and start thinking Florida man. Okay, what would Florida man want in their toilet? Okay, this is the 4th of July. This isn't a day for making good decisions a sharps container A sharps container? Sharps? For performing surgery or is this just you after you're done? A sharps container is how you dispose of sharps. It's a kind of container you can safely put needles. Well yeah, I'm assuming if you have it in the bathroom you used it in the bathroom. Sure, yeah well we're multitasking are we not?

Yeah! We are, we are. This is America! You said Florida! I like where you're going I'm just trying to figure out what leads to putting things into the sharps container what are you doing? Drugs! Okay. Well, they're gonna put their insulin in in the bathroom for multitasking responsibly to manage their blood glucose level. I don't think so. Miner their blood to heroin level you know what I mean? I don't know maybe they're performing surgery while they're pooping? Like maybe the doctor is like, oh, this eight hour heart surgery.

Guys, move the patient. I've got to keep working, but I had tacos for lunch. Get him in the baby changing table. Put him on. Quick. What if there was just a hole in the wall? The doctor went to poop and they slid the patient in so they could keep going. I forgot the buckles broken on the strap on this one.

Nurse, you're gonna need to hold him up and make sure he doesn't flop off under the floor while I deuce. I like where this is going. Remember, left hand sterile, right hand wipe, okay? Let's keep these things straight. Don't get them mixed up. Wait, would the doctor have another hole in the wall for someone to wipe? Scalpel, toilet paper.

I don't know why it only has to be holes that an arm can fit through, it's not like a window, but I love it. The holes are different levels, you know. Not glory holes. The thing is automated, it's just holes that people can reach through. You just have to have a staff of people who help you with your bathroom multitasking. All right. I get where you're coming from, Wade.

I think we're going to knock this out of the park. America style. We've got the drugs slash surgery toilet set up. You know what kind of toilet set up I feel like is American and we need? You spend all day on the 4th of July drinking beers and shoving down hot dogs and steaks and whatever, grilling food just like the founding fathers wanted. But then when it starts to get dark out, right, when you got the meat sweats and you really need to be sitting on the toilet, it's also time for fireworks. So I feel like we need to construct an out like an indoor outdoor lower half bathroom

upper half fireworks platform type of deal where you can be on the toilet disposing of your freedom that you ingested throughout the beginning of the day. But you can also be entertaining slash terrorizing your neighborhood with delightful fireworks displays. It is true. Would it be extra combustible if you like fart? Well, it's I think there's sort of a it's like a bottom like waist down concealment. And I think it's like a negative pressure. So the the vent is sucking all of the gases and everything out.

So like it would be safe. Plus, if you if anything went off in your hand your bottom half is totally safe from damage You're definitely losing some fingers But you're you're way more protected than if you're like crouched over a firework trying to light it and whatever it goes off It's excellent. I don't know why when you say enclosed But I picture is in Dragon Ball Z when freezes in first form as that little potty like flies around in that is definitely his toilet Yeah, I'm imagining the toilet, but with like Frieza lighting off fireworks while sitting in that pod. That's all Frieza was trying to do when he blew up the planet there. He was just like, I'm going to celebrate. It's 4th of

July, but super saiyan land. Yeah. And then it just blew up. It's all in his mouth. Yeah. No, it's definitely, he's definitely sitting. It's definitely a toilet. All right. I got one. So everyone in America knows that you can't wipe after you're done because touching your own butt, that's pretty gay, we don't want that. But you know what can counteract that? Is if you have power tools involved, right? So instead of a flusher, you have a drill handle.

A Ryobi toilet setup. Yes, a Ryobi toilet. And instead of a bidet, because that's even worse, that's like French or something, and then you have a spin brush with like metal grill cleaning bristles and it extends. And then you pull the trigger. And you just get so clean. And then your power tools are there so you got and it's organizing And then you get to use them for a good purpose because I bought a bunch and I never use them So I gave you a point for power toilet straight white guy edition. I like that

I like the Ryobi themed but it's all just the green Everywhere green and black you could have the Ryobi speed table set up in front of you as a little workstation slash desk slash worktop bench thing you know I realized though it has to be what what power tool brands blue cobalt cobalt right so it has to be cobalt because you get the blue cobalt the white porcelain and then red after you use the spin brush so you get red white and blue the red splatters off the spin brush so you got red, white, and blue. The red splatters off the spin brush. The red splatters after you're done brushing.

It's not wiping, it's brushing. It's a red, white, and blue. It can't be more patriotic than that. Is there any kind of like, I don't know the alternative to toothpaste that I'm trying to think of. Butt paste? You talking butt paste?

You talking butt paste, white paste? Is there some butt paste that you use on the brush? Lube? No, lube. That's... Oh, sorry, sorry. Uh, lubricant. WD-40? Like, like garage door spring lubricant, you know, like, like, uh, like some, like some aerosolized powdered graphite lubricant. Oh, grease. You talking about grease. You got grease up those gears. Now I got, I got another one already. I'm ready to go. Oh my God, all right, I'm falling behind. Yeah, you got your truck toilet addition,

your Megathrone, so when you're not only able to go to work, it's a toilet, but then it's got an extended rolling coal button so that when you flush, it not only shoots exhaust out the top, it shoots your patriotic shit out the back and blasts that Prius behind you. They call that roll and bowl. Roll and bowl.

Cause you eject the contents of your bowl, patriotically. Exactly. This is your trucker toilet, your 18 wheeler. It was like the squid power up from Mario Kart spun out and everything. All right, this is more of a civil engineering feat. Why are we rolling dice? What's happening?

Nothing, go on, what were you saying, Bob? All right, this is more of a group thing, but what is more American than sports games? Am I right? Could be football, could be baseball, could be... This could apply to all stadiums, where you might see any sort of sports, indoor or outdoor.

Why aren't stadium seats just toilets? Like the Romans of old, like the ancient Greek bathhouse. Everything was cool, and you could shit sit next to your bro while you talked out some philosophy or watched a little sporting event, bath house. Everything was cool and you could shit sit next to your bro while you talked out some philosophy or watched a little sporting event, maybe a little wrestling. Why are we? Because in the stadium one of the biggest problems

is you like oh it's between innings, oh it's halftime, oh gotta go to the bath, oh there's a line at the bathroom because everyone's trying to use the bathroom all at once. Get rid of those bathroom spaces, turn that into another way to get beer or spend money on the, you know, team stuff, and just make every seat a bathroom. And then the nicer seats could maybe, like maybe there's tiers, like some of them are more like portagons. They're just big bleachers over a big pit. So you, you know, there's a stench there, but then the nicer seats are like water like you know like what's that called plumb plumb plumb you ever use a plumb toilet plumbed with water you know that Japanese restaurant thing where they let noodles flow down the river and you grab your noodles out of there but then the

nice the nice toilet like like down behind home plate is like you got massaging seats. Oh, I was just massaging toilet. The toilet's like, why isn't there a massaging toilet? That's also a great idea. Yeah, it could help. It could help if you ever get, if you eat too many steaks and you get stopped up,

you need a little massage toilet action and then you can eat more steaks. Oh, you have a toilet that has a grill top on the back so you can sit the correct way Which is facing the wall, right? Everyone knows this You have your tabletop to grill your steak. So you as soon as you're empty you start pounding it back in I like this. Nothing more American than that. Yeah, I like the grill toilet We can explore that more in one second, but I gotta ask the stadium toilet. How much of a gamble does that make the wave going off?

You do what you got to do. If you can't hold it in just to do the wave for a quick 10 seconds, then probably you should be showed out anyway. It's probably you're too, too drunk. I'm assuming like, what if you're just mid long and people are like, who's doing the wave? And it's like what do I do you clench? Can you grip it and then you just give it the quick like and then make sure you hang on to that bad boy Mother why does that man have a tail?

Mother my first baseball game My bad my bad. This is disgusting. It sure is. Again, I'm always shocked how many episodes we've done that are just talking about poop the whole time. What do you mean? Shirts off, toilets on. What the fuck is this one called?

Something like that. I don't know man, it's your episode. I'm just participating. Grill toilet. Sounds very unsanitary. Do we all concede that facing the wall is the correct way to... I feel like we just let that one go. Oh, I didn't even think we were gonna talk about that.

I thought that was presumed. How do you go? What, you look out? You sit forward on the toilet like a nerd? I didn't know you were supposed to sit. I don't respect that. I have no respect for that whatsoever. Well, you should. I'm the host. That's horrendous. Nah, I don't have you were supposed to sit. I don't respect that. I have no respect for that whatsoever. Well, you should, I'm the host.

That's horrendous. Nah, I don't have respect for that either. Okay, what if we don't need a toilet at all? What if the toilet is with us? You know how houses have those, some have the holes in the wall that lead to a central vacuum, right? Modify it, central.

Central, central toilet. Central central toilet so you're always wherever room you're in you just grab the hose oh no I'm saved okay I missed the be this like central air but central toilet knows have you ever seen a central vacuum it's like there are in each room there's like a hole you just plug in a vacuum and it'll vacuum I love that then you just need like a special you need like a special kind of boxers to where the central toilet line has a water in feature and then a water out. So it like just slosh it all around in there. Yeah. But we can't call it a bidet Americans. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah.

It's a water park. Ooh, nothing more American than that. I needs to have the word Jet in it and a number of some sort like the the the under jet 9500 or something right like it the oil change 2000 the oil changer we have truck truck nevermind Truck truck leave it to us wade leave leave it leave it to us. Yeah, my bad. I tried to make a comment. I'm the host. You guys got the funny? I got the stupid. I'm going to circle back. We've kind of covered this, but this is a different approach to it. Beer. Getting more beer can be an inconvenience.

You have to find the cooler. You have to find a keg. Have someone fill it up or whatever. It can be an inconvenience, what you do is start it off start off the party start off the the festivities getting yourself absolutely topped up on liquid so your body is almost more beer than anything else then you put on my very specially designed mobile cup which has a drain which loops around like a camelback up onto a strap that holds it right up on your shoulder and then once you're topped up on beer you just keep that bad boy recycling you don't have to find a refill you have a refill and you fill it but you fill it back up yourself you don't make a mess

you don't have to worry about like leaking or or getting caught by surprise need to run to a bathroom and you don't ever need to get a refill. Is this like a displacement thing where the amount of stuff you produce determines how much you get back? It's just like recycling, you know? It's the Fremen stillsuit that they had. Yeah. Oh, oh, it becomes the beer. I was thinking- Oh, it ferments on the way back?

You're drinking your own piss, let's be clear. You're drinking your own piss. It's just a hose that puts your own piss back up into your own mouth. But you drink, you start by drinking so much beer that your piss is basically just beer. It's just beer, beer, beer. And if you ever get low, maybe find a refill or whatever. But like, so you have a sensor that warns you if your blood alcohol level gets too low, not too high. It's like, this is gonna taste bad, this is gonna taste bad. It's simple and it's really more of a device that you wear around and carry, but I would say that qualifies as a toilet.

It's a number one's only solution. I wasn't thinking of portability, I was just thinking of a static toilet, but portable moving toilet beer, that day. It's like a beer hat, but it's a beer cup Just very manly. There's nothing more American than crypto And there's nothing more unique than your own poop you Take some picture of it and it creates an NFT and it puts it on the blockchain forever yours

and you can trade it with other people but only while they're on the toilet. Dude, are you in poop globs yet? How many poop globs do you have? Ah dude, I have so many poop globs. Wait, what's a crit poo toilet or a rug pool? What would the rug pool be called if it's a toilet? Rug poo? Rug poo.

Oh my god, what is this? What have we become? This is funny. Yeah, this is why I don't win very often. I come in with my ear infections, I read the first thing I wrote down on my document, like, oh, toilets, let's do it. We gotta sneak into his house

and just either delete that document or put in other ideas like I Really wonder what this looks like if it's just one word document, it's just a mad man's notes about a conspiracy to end the world Okay, I will read you my list spoiler alert here. I'll read you my list just so you know I like how you're so confident. This isn't gonna spoil anything I've got worse jobs to bring your kid to work to create our own slang. Aliens update moist.

Don't know. Didn't listen to the rest of what Bob said. Mind control pasta dumpster dads, shirts off gloves on toilets. Question mark. So you read shirts off gloves on which was at the very bottom of your list and got to toilets for the 4th of July yeah it was the first one I saw it was the most I level one I see I see what is more American than voting we have a problem in this country some people think they

don't need to vote. Some people think it doesn't matter. It does matter. You need to make sure your vote is cast. And what better way to get people to show up to the polls than to convert all voting booths into voting bathrooms. It's for some reason not a national holiday. It's really hard to get off work. It's a, it's, you work. It's a lot of time to get over to your polling station. If there's a bathroom there, it's a justifiable break. I just need to hit the head. Don't worry, I'll be back to work shortly. I just need to go drain the old sea lion.

That's the thing those are called, right? I was following you. I was like, okay, all right, okay. Let's go drain the old sea lion. And while you're doing it, make sure you cast those votes because there are elections even in years when we're not voting for a president. And I feel like people don't pay attention to those enough, but they're out there.

I mean, this would really, this would up the total polls turnout. This would make voting, you know, it's multitasking. Very American. You could integrate other of our designs into this so that there's more and maybe you put grill toilets in the voting booths so you can have a steak and a shit and a vote. I don't know. It's versions. There's ways. Maybe it's regional. Maybe, you know, it depends. Depends what your people like. You have different kinds. I thought you said boating at first. Boating? Very American.

Boating? Not American at all. Pretty sure boats were invented by the Spanish. I'm pretty sure Americans invented... That's how they got over here on the playground. Was that the first boat that they... Hold, hold, hold. The nurse's office, the playground, and the cafeteria? Christopher Columbus's three ships.

Is that what we're talking about? Yeah, whenever he left America, was founded Europe, and came back, it was like, yeah, fuck that place. Yeah, what was the name of that rock, Wade? I can't remember, what was it? Oh, Playground Stone. Playground, what? Playground Stone.

Playground Stone? It's crazy that the rock was named the same thing as one of his boats. Came over on the April flower, because it was the superior month. Oh, okay, so he does know the answer. Of course I know about the Mayflower and Plymouth Prowler. So, we all know there's nothing more American than guns and what better way to combine the two by having a gun. Eric, do you want to shit on a toilet? No, it's a gun. One big fucking gun. Wait, hold on, I like this idea. Your shit loads the gun and when you flush it's the trigger to fire.

Yup, that's it, now you got it. You better fucking get out of the way when you flush that bed, boy. You don't want to accidentally flush it while you're sitting on it. Oh man. You know those old pole chain toilets? Well we modified one of them. The top's filled with with gun powder and you just it's like a it's like a cannon you stand up and you like sighted it you're like fire

just the wall is still it's just a normal bathroom the wall just explodes with your own shit everywhere it's for people who live off the grid very American, but they don't have a septic system, right? They're not tied to the sewers. So they aim at the sewage treatment plant Fire it over the hills. We call them sovereign citizens I do hate my ideas every now and then you know every now and then that's a good instinct I do hate my ideas every now and then, you know? Every now and then. That's a good instinct. Hahahaha I'm not gonna roll in this dice over there.

Just stalling rolling the dice. Nothing's coming. Every time he rolls the dice, it's like, God, I hope I think of what this means by the end of the episode. Oh, God. Alright. Number... I've got it written here. I've got each roll marked. What is more American than conspiracy theories? Oh. This is, I will say, this is a little bit piggybacking

off of Mark's idea. But this is a particular kind of cannon type toilet that you can use to counteract one of the biggest conspiracies in our country, which of course is contrails. Airplanes are leaving these trails. Doesn't physics can't possibly describe why they exist? I dare any physicists to convince me, which I will never believe anything they say anyway, by default, that that it's anything other than chemicals

being put into the air or weather manipulation. Anyway, every time you take a shit, you load this cannon and the cannon is just poison ready aimed up at the sky and you wait until you see one of those planes leaving those trails over your sovereign citizen homestead. It locks onto the airplane and your shit coats the plane, maybe takes it out of the sky, maybe just turns off the weather manipulation, you know, the chemical dispersion system, whatever. Just foil those plots.

Just don't let them get away with it. What could be more American than fighting for your rights against the man. Against them. Weather controllers. Fourth of Poo Lai. Episode title. I thought it was shirts off gloves on. It makes so much sense. It was, but come on,

Fourth of Poo Lai is pretty good. Alright. What's more- Alright. What's more American than supporting our troops? You know, every time you go to the bathroom

It'll box it up along with an American flag. They're really war bonds or so. Nope It'll mail it straight to a soldier on the front lines so that when they open they get a little smell of home Uh huh. What's more American than owing taxes to your government, but having to guess how much they are. This toilet is like, it's almost like a game show, which is another hyper American thing. Every time you use it, there's a tax. There's a tax. You got to tax it. You got to tax the people. We are represented, so we are tax tax. There's a tax. You got to tax it. You got to tax the people we are represented. So we are taxed. That's the bargain we struck. Okay.

Hold on. Turpoo tax or turd bow tax. Probably turd bow tax. I've had to pick, uh, anyway, every time you use it, you are taxed an amount. There's, we call it the dump tax, which is confusing because there's also the dump tax for when you take things to the dump, the garbage dump, but this is the other kind of dump. It's all part of the system. It's meant to be as confusing as possible because then you have to use turbo tax to help you file your toilet taxes.

But it's just a random amount and you have no idea. It's just some percentage of some number, both of which are made up, then once a year they're like, oh you better pay us! And you're like, wait, how much a year they're like, Oh, you better pay us. And you're like, Oh, wait, how much? And they're like, you better pay it. You better hurry up. You want to get your refund, don't you? No, no, I don't want my refund. We could, we could direct deposit it right up inside you. It's like a guy drives by with a truck in a hose. Get it right back. I thought at first you were gonna say you had to predict how much You're gonna poop

Divvy it up poop in different buckets, and if you get it wrong and go straight to jail wait We don't have any other prompt here any other kind of yeah, this this is what you want This is it you guys doing great. I let you if you have something else you want to add I mean, what's more American than denying Puerto Rico its statehood we Takes away a roll of toilet paper from Puerto Rico puts it right in your bathroom Instantaneously also it steals half a roll from Washington DC. Wow. Alright, that'll be an F-U-P-R point because I'm running out of space. So just know that F-U-P-R is fuck you Puerto Rico. Oh good.

Oh good, excellent. Do people, I want to say this very clearly because there's a lot of people that don't understand that people from Puerto Rico are American citizens. But they're territory. Which means they don't get representation in the federal government But they are subject to it and they're taxed Interesting interesting how that all plays out good thing. There's nothing about taxation without representation No, that doesn't sound familiar. That doesn't sound right. I don't know. We're getting awfully treasonous here

This is a pro America episode. It's our fourth of two lie Who lie fuck what is more American than literally shitting on Ohio? Everybody knows Ohio is a joke state our neighbors all know it but people on the west coast know it people in the south know it Everybody knows Ohio is the joke in the south note, everybody knows Ohio is the joke. So this toilet just funnels all your shit, all your solid waste is separated from your liquid waste. Just the shit funneled into one massive transcontinental pipeline and consolidated into a thing that just rains all the shit down on Ohio.

Nothing could be more American than shitting on Ohio. Very fertile helps the farming a lot probably. And Dylan, that's where the corn comes from. I got one more rule that I think I'm calling this one. What's more American than unfulfilled promises? This toilet, it has so many features. It'll wipe your ass for you, it'll hold your money, it'll do your taxes, it'll wipe your ass for you. It'll it'll hold your money. It'll do your taxes

It'll balance your checkbook. It'll do all of this. But then when it gets to your house, it doesn't do any of that doesn't even flush I missed a good portion of that cuz I was writing and then it gerrymanders the edge of your bathroom into your living room I got nothing else. I'm fucking tapped out. That's good. That's good. I've had to write down a lot of points. I've written down a lot of points here. There's a lot written here.

Okay. I feel like I hope I don't win this one, but also I hope it ends. Just wait till you see how this one ends. Oh good. I've been rolling some dice and they do come into play. Oh, we know, we know they do. It's clear how they do and will and already am have. Are.

Mark, you have points. Four. Mocking. Momiplier. Happy early and by the time this airs belated birthday. Gitter book. Sharps and drugs. 18 wheeler

Power toilet straight white guy edition grill toilet face the wall central toilet cry-poo currency Who to a soldier FU Puerto Rico? Gernman dirt all of gerrymandering And gun toilet not my grandma's funeral Bob you got points for mocking hot and Burrell rolling bowl fireworks massage tad wiener no stadium stadiums dead wieners got it beer refill voting bathroom turbo tax

OH IO conspiracies chemtrails, I think I read all of them Mama player got three IDK points. I felt like Mark got a lot of points for almost everything He said there I rolled this dice nine times at either awkward moments moments Where you guys mentioned a number or whatever I felt like rolling.

Those were my criteria. Okay, I like those rules. A number of those rolls were odd. A number of those rolls are even. You guys get to pick whether you add the odds or the evens, not the totals, but just the number of times I rolled either to your point total. Bob. Odds. You would like odds like odds yeah stick with odds odds can I also pick odds yeah

that would be the tragedy right no I'm not gonna do that I won't do that let's I'll do evens I'll do evens what's more American than copying your friends homework getting an a-plus if you wanted odds we could talk. I just... I'll take evens. I'm going with fate. That's probably the wise choice. Um, for wheels what I'm adding is the one to counterclockwise from this. Oh interesting. Oh okay. I see. So we have to do the how many wheels first. What are the odds we get three again, huh? That'd be impressive. That's probably gonna happen, right? Ah?

Oh, almost. Two's good. Two's pretty good. Two's not bad. Okay, two's good. I'll tell you before we roll what ends up popping up, if it ends up being a tie, it'll be really funny because right now I rolled one of the numbers seven times and the other only two which drastically could have changed the score i think i know what i'm so uh i'm glad you guys picked different ones all right well we got two wheel spins here let's see

what we get come on eat the most! Dropped the most items. Is that me from dropping my dice? But that was intentional, I was throwing the dice. I've been fidgeting with this the whole time and I've dropped it several times. I've dropped these cheeses down my gullet. All right, Bob, you get that part. All right. All right alright one more spin

best comeback I guess it's whoever picked the number that yeah is this based purely on points or I don't remember what best comeback was put on here for it's like whoever had I guess it's best like second half performance or something like that. Is that what it is or like or like snappy snappy comebacks Yeah, I don't know. I can't think of one. This might be a respin You're you're allowed to call that this was pretty back and forth. I would say respin cuz I don't know how I would assign that respin back and forth I would say respins I don't know how I would assign that respin least points all right well Wade is the only one who knows that one I don't know where this is gonna land up my dice rolls were as follows 8 19 12 2

11 6 2 8 12 oh we're supposed to remember these there were seven evens and two odds okay I was not banging to I totally forgot went right over my head mark ended up going with evens oh which gave him a total of 24 points when added on Bob went with odds but got the two bonus points which gave him a total of 18 at the end mark you win by six Goddamn You should have picked even Fuck yeah, if you if you had accepted when Bob offered to swap he would have had the win I know I know man, so and but only by one two

Damn well, I don't know if he would have yeah, I think he still would have won Yeah, if I would have been the lowest point it would have been a tie. It would have been interesting I think you were up by two or three points because there were a couple times where you like gave off two or three in A row before Bob went again. You just spattered some ideas in there. Quantity over quality, that's what I always say. It's easier for quantity when I do points. Well, I hope you have some good ideas, Mark, cause winner speech. I'm gonna get the perfect crime.

I'll get it. The perfectorist crime, baby. Nothing more American than winning, am I right? So I gotta say I feel very American Go me go. I gotta go on the toilet well said Put out all my creativity in the episode This was definitely one that people will remember is my best for years to come. Bob, second placer speech. Today's loser speech is brought to you by Venmo.

So you've probably heard of Venmo, but did you know that Venmo is for more than paying your friends back? With the Venmo debit card, you can spend your balance in so many ways. You can Venmo this, Venmo that, and everything. Sadly for me, I cannot Venmo my way out of losing today's episode. I had a great time in this episode. I performed very well. I really, Mark put up a good fight, but I really outclassed him. And it feels great to come out on top.

You know, can't wait to host the next one. It's been good being a competitor. It's gonna be even better being the host. I'm gonna be the best host you've ever seen. So get ready for that. Everyone stay excited! Thank you. I deserve this. Once again today's loser speech was brought to you by Venmo. Whatever your thing is, you can pay for it with the Venmo debit card. Visit venmo.me slash debit to learn more. That's venmo.me slash D-E-B-I-T. Venmo purchase restrictions apply. The Venmo Master venmo purchase restrictions apply the venmo

mastercard is issued by the Bancorp Bank NA pursuant to license by MasterCard International Incorporated card may be used everywhere MasterCard is accepted happy happy for for for everyone thank you all for watching and or listening if you want more of us for whatever reason, you can find Mark, our winner at MarkaPlyer, Bob, who's also a winner, at MySkirm, me, definitely a loser for having hosted this, Minion77 or LordMinion777, look forward to MamaPlyer's book coming sometime to a store somewhere near you, or online, merch sometime, probably maybe now, who knows. Until then, podcast. Ouch.

To the left-handed salute. My right hand was busy. I will not go further into the line. Nothing more American than that.