Distractible - Get More Faster

Episode Date: December 8, 2025

The Distracti-menu specials for tonight are PB & J sandwiches and boiled eggs. And wait until you see what's for dessert... Reserve your ticket now at ironlung.com. Only in theaters January 30, 2026. Order now at ⁠pandaexpress.com⁠ or a store near you. Learn more at uber.com/onourway Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Uber One. Do you remember when we used to go get chicken wings, Mark? I know that occasionally I would be like my college grant money got into my college time for chicken wings. And in that case, Uber 1 for students is the best way to save money on Uber and Uber Eat. Members get great perks like $0 delivery fee, 5% off eligible orders, and 5% back in Uber credits on ride. Try it out now and get your first four weeks free. Become an Uber 1 for students member and start saving. on Uber and Uber Eats. Eligibility and member terms apply.

This episode is presented by Panda Express. It shouldn't be difficult, and maybe it's a bit silly, but we've all been there. Sometimes saying I love you is just hard, whether it's your partner, someone and your family, a good friend, but when you order tasty, authentically cooked American Chinese cuisine from Panda Express, they'll know what you mean. Because sharing some delicious orange chicken or my personal favorite, the honey walnut shrimp, that means more than words, right? So, have you eaten yet? Order now, or find your nearest Panda Express. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to distractible. This episode, bilateral Bob declares the podcast SNL, then gets a guise to speed run statements. Musical mark

drops the date of Iron Lung, buy tickets now, then becomes an opera singer. Wigliss Wade has a schnoz situation. The perfect popsicle and laugh so hard he turns red. From healing bumps to festive merch. It's time for get more faster. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. So she was going really light with the razor and then one of the hairstylists came up that was like helping train her. She's like, oh, you can go harder than that.

And I was like, uh-oh. She's like, really? She grabbed my head like stretched and I was like just like yep that's the spot I mean it looks good doesn't look butchered I'm not gonna turn around I have no idea what the back looks like but I can feel the bumps of healing the bumps of healing the sequel to the grapes of wrath it's actually my favorite spell in world of Warcraft hey welcome to another episode of distractible it's like Saturday Night Live we started the show before the show that's a we do we do cold open sometimes it's totally

Fine. If you've never seen the show before, that would be the most accurate way to describe it to you. Get ready for basically an episode of Saturday Night Live. That's what we do here. The saxophone guy does the saxophone thing with the band and then we have a celebrity guest and all that stuff. It's totally what's about to happen. You'll see. I'm a mad TV kind of guy, you know. I don't really watch that. I've been getting a lot of mad TV clips lately and I forgot how much I liked that show. because I haven't watched it forever Unironically my stepdad was a huge mad TV guy so I would watch it I've been getting a lot of like the watch Mojo 20 saddest movie scenes of all time kind of stuff and it's like Why?

Everything the record is like five saddest deaths What am I getting this? You just give off big sad death vibes Yeah the opening like 20 minutes of up they're like ah watch everyone react to the first 10 minutes of up and I'm like please is there anything happy on the internet for me.

Ah, those aren't even, those are never real. It's like those videos where it's like, the first time I ever heard Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, and it's like a 33-year-old influencer. Like, I know you've heard this song before. Like, there's just a 0% chance you never happen to hear one of the most popular songs and stadium songs. 40-year-old musicians, first time hearing music.

Yeah, yeah. Or like those drumios where they're like, this guy's toured with Michael Jackson, and Katie Perry and Chicago and he's never heard of Miles Davis I opened for Metallica but I never listened to him anyway that's the show you're about to hear

I'm the host because I won the last one these two other voices and or faces that you're seeing and or hearing scratch that reverse it they're competing to host the next one because they're this we're the three guys we're the three distracting guys

rebrand the three guys the three friends Three Amigos was already taken, but I feel like it's the same. Two and Friends featuring Markiplier. I don't know if I have any friends anymore. Oof. Ooh. Just kidding.

I've got lots of friends. Oh. What is it awkward? Mark, you get an awkward point. It's not that awkward. Look, just because everyone knows that we aren't friends anymore, and we just only do this because of contractual obligations, doesn't mean that we can't talk about that openly. Right? Yeah, that's true.

There's a contract. You don't need to know about that. That's fine. You're the middle ground. Yay. I do have a game prepared, as per usual, but small talk. Anything going on with you guys? Oh, let me start.

Because my life's been so. No, not really. Mark, go for it. January 30th. Iron long! Of what year? 2026. Yeah, I forgot.

changes soon yikes the fact that you came up with the concept got all the filming and editing done in one year is kind of crazy i know right i know i'm very efficient i'm streamlining the whole process uh but yeah tickets are on sale now it's actually a thing the trail the final trail is out on my channel at the time of recording this it's not which is funny all right can you send me over some uh cosplay ideas so i can go to the theater fully dressed up uh blood that's all my it's all my wardrobe consists of these days blood and tears Well, yeah, finally, after so many years, I can finally say it's coming out. You can get tickets now, if you want.

It is purely a coincidence. The trailer and tickets went on sale the day that Five Days of Freddy's came to theaters. It is a coincidence. Honor coincidence. It was not planned. Interesting, interesting. And that we had our premiere on that very day. It's all a coincidence.

The King of Falun. A funny thing about that, though, is, We did have an idea because eventually the trailer's going to be in theaters running before other movies. And, I mean, I had an idea that we would target the Five Night of Freddy's movie. And I would, like, you get in the movie, the lights go out. And then suddenly it's just me in there in the Five Nights of Freddy's movies. Like, guess what, guys? I'm not in this movie.

But you know what movie I will be in? Get a load of Iron Long, two theaters down. I thought that would be funny. I don't know if we can target that specifically, but that would be really funny. It would be really effective, too. You know people seeing that movie would see you and be like, oh, well, I have to go see that now. And they would leave and they would never watch the, it's the second one? This is the second one, right?

One of those already came out. Well, unfortunately, it's rated R, so. Oops. Is FNAF also rated R? It's PG-13, isn't it? PG-13. Ah, so Iron Lung is going to be better than it. Yeah, it's a higher rate.

that's how it works. It's at the very least gonna be way cooler. Oh, we are once again recording in a late evening where all of us are at the top of our game and definitely not feeling tired. I can hear out of two ears. I can smell out of one nostril. Are you sick or you just have allergies? Because it's winter and you really shouldn't have allergies. Well, according to my doctor, I've got a deviated septim and I can only ever smell out of one nostril, which makes sense. But like, I've been living that life for like as long as I can, I don't remember ever breaking my nose or anything. So it's one of those things where it's like it's always been this way. I just especially feel it

today. Isn't there a procedure to fix that? There is and I was looking at reviews and some people are like, oh this is the best thing I ever did. And some people are like, I wish I'd never done this. It was fine before compared to what they did to me. Maybe I'm fine. So useful as ever got it. Thanks internet. And one of them was like, I don't see the same after getting

my septum fixed. I was like, that doesn't seem right. Oh, you can see it. Look, my neck is still red from the razor burn. I thought they were shaving your head. Well, I, the whole All right, trainee, get in there. They do the hot towel. They shampoo you. Send you off.

Smacky on the ass. So they call the double MVP. Oh, yeah. Special request, can I get a hicky while you shave my head? Hey, do you guys do hickies in here? Can you do that thing where, oh, I don't remember the name, where you put your lips on my neck and you suck real hard? You know, do you do that here?

The Dracula thing? Treat it like a tutsy pop. Give it three licks and then bite. Wait, you say pussy pop? No. What did you say? I heard pussy pop. He said tosy pop.

I heard pussy pop. You sick bastard. Treat like a pussy pop. How could you say such a thing that is offensive? Today's episode of distractible is actually brought to you. Sing this theme song, Wade. Uh, no. My favorite is when the owl eats the pussy pop.

He always does it right. A one, a two Don't make that sound No You know today's game It's going to be good Because it's an idea That's basically stolen from Mark

And also from improv comedy Am I improv comedy? No, you're not involved Mark previously hosts an episode Called Get More Stupider Possibly multiple episodes If I recall Well this one is not about getting stupider

But it is about getting faster Today I want you guys to explain to me how to do some fairly simple tasks or how things work, but we're going to play it in the form of half-life, which is an improv game, where you take turns, well, actually, you don't take turns in the normal improv game,

but you go round after round, each round, the time is cut in half. So the first time you do a scene for, I don't know, it's usually kind of long, it's like a few minutes, and then whatever happens in that scene, then you have a minute and a half to do that scene, And then you have a half of that. What's that 45 seconds?

And then you have, you know, I should have picked an easier math number. But you know what I'm saying. I have some stuff. I want you guys to explain to me. But you're not going to have to do it on your own. You're going to go back and forth. So we're going to flip a coin to see who goes first. And I'm going to give the first person a minute to explain to me, whatever thing.

And then we're going to go back and forth. You get a minute. Then you get 30 seconds. And the other person gets 15 seconds. And the other person gets, we'll call it eight generously. then four, then two, then one. Okay. I feel like four than two might be enough,

but bald his heads, Mark is lying. Still don't know why I picked this coin that doesn't have heads and tails on it because I'm so smart. Bald it is. And we're incapable of buying new things, I understand. So, Wade, you get to go first. I would like you to describe to me

how you would make peanut butter and jelly sandwich. in one minute. One minute. Commence. All right. So to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you need three key ingredients. Bread, peanut butter, and jelly. And as I actually learned in real life this week, make sure your ingredients are fresh.

Otherwise, might upset your tum-tum. So I get a plate, but for me, four slices of bread, because I want two sandwiches, but two slices of bread. Get peanut butter, get jelly, get a spoon, get a knife, because those are the proper tools for making the sandwich. Put the knife in the peanut butter. Spread it on one side. Spread that peanut butter with that knife. That's what you want to do. Get the spoon, point it in the jelly,

spread that jelly on the other slice. Put the two together. Peanut butter and jelly sandwich, nom with time to spare. How am I gonna remember all that? How the fuck am I? All right. How do you remember how to make a PB and J?

No, I have to say what you said. Is that, oh, I don't listen to the rules. You fucking have to. Alright, gotta go quick, I'm gonna forget. Uh, Mark, ready, set, 30 seconds. You ever want to make a peanut butter jelly? When I make a peanut butter jelly, because I like it, or something. You get out your, you get three key ingredients.

You get your bread, your jelly, your peanut butter, make sure it's fresh, or else you'll die, upset, pumb, tom, and then you get out your jelly, your spoon, your knife, because those are the correct ingredients. You get out four slices of bread, throw them in it. aside, get two of those breads, put them down, spoon out the jelly, spread out the peanut butter, plighting all together, eat it or something. I don't know. Time to spare. I thought you were doing it out of purpose, Wade. Jesus Christ. Holy fuck. I just know we're going to. Take that asshole.

Wade, you get 15 seconds. Oh God, all right. Ready, set, go. Make a peanut butter and jelly, you need three key greens. Peanut butter, jelly, and You don't use fresh ingredients. So here's what you do. You get four slices of bread, only two for one sandwich. So you flip them on the side. You get peanut butter, spread it with a knife. Knife's a proper thing to spread your peanut butter with put on one of the bread.

It's jelly. You get a spoon, spread the jelly on one slide. Boom, slop together, peanut butter and jelly. Time to spare. Sure, time to spare, yeah. All right, Mark, eight seconds. Here, wait, before you hit, go. Alright, I'm ready?

Yeah, you're just mentally preparing. mentally preparing. I get that. I get that. Go. Three key ingredients. Upset tum-dum. Four, slice two, one sandwich, spoon. Spine. Hike!

It's time to spare. God. I love Hike so much. Peanut butter. Hike! That was my favorite part of Wade's initial one was the Hike. Alright, Wade, I'm not going to hold my phone up for four seconds. You're going to have to mentally...

keep track of four seconds. All right, all right, ready. I'm ready. You're gonna really, I'm gonna tell you, you were too slow on your 15 second one. You're gonna have to speed it up.

All right, got it. Learn from Mark. Four seconds. Ready, set, go. Three, Tom, Tom, ooh, knife, spoon, slap. Time to spare. You didn't have times of cereal,

but you dropped the hike. I didn't say the hike. What the fuck? Mark said the hike. That was part of it. You know the rules. It was there. whole time. You don't remember? I follow. I need to follow that through through. Why did Mark add it and find

subtract bad? Okay, got it. Add good, subtract bad. Two seconds, buddy. I believe in you. Ready? Yep. Set. Go. Bread butter jelly. Hi! Time to spare. Bread butter jelly. It's a butter and jelly. Yeah, that's what I ask. Yeah, that's pretty much it. I couldn't just say peanut butter jelly. I guess I could. Could have. You know, that would have been better. So I have to do one second now? I think two seconds is quite fast enough.

Well, Mark gets to go first this time. So you'll say however many words Mark says. Let's be honest. It's me. No, I won't. I appreciate your honesty. This is such a simple task. It couldn't possibly take that long.

Mark, I think you know how to do this. Explain to me how you would boil a hard-boiled egg. Okay. Ready, set, go. There's a lot of... misconceptions about how to boil an egg. Some people think that you put them in the water first and then raise the temperature to a boil, but people's heating elements are inconsistent from one to another. So you don't necessarily know, I mean, you could get used to it, but you're

not really going to get a consistent boil from kitchen to kitchen, right? So you bring it up to boil because unless you're at a different elevation, that's going to be a pretty consistent temperature. But if you're at a different elevation, you've got to be aware that things are going to cook a little differently. So cut all that out of the equation and buy one of those egg-shaped egg cook timers that you drop in with the eggs, it has little like a red yoke inside

that will change based on temperature into the zone where it'll say soft medium hard boil. Put that in with your eggs right as it's boiling. Get a bowl ice ready. Boil a shit out until it looks like what you want. Take it out dumping it in the ice. Get it. Shock it. You want to shock it. You want to shock it.

So the shell can, like, you know? And then crack them, eat them. Eggs. Channel to Ethan for a minute there You hit us with the I retained about four words All right Wade I know you're quite the chef in your own right

So even if you can't remember every single thing That Mark said I got it I'm sure that you know how to cook an egg Yes All right wait you have 30 seconds All right ready I'm ready Make sure you cover all the big points That Mark put in there for you ready set go

A lot of misconceptions about boiling an egg First one egg in the water No, you want to water the egg. Second one, elevation. High, bad, low, two knot. Middle, good. Whenever you get your water boiling, you're boiling a pot.

You have a little red something. You toss it in there. Look at your egg. When it looks like what you want, bam, good, so good. You take it out, you fucking eat it or whatever else, and then shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, ice that bitch shock.

Egg. You forgot that. Alright, Mark 15 seconds Ready? Yep Right, a second, go There's a lot of misconceptions about this

Look, put egg in first Dumbass water first Then egg, then your toy That changes And you take it out You put it in ice Ah, eat it Time to spare

I didn't hear any shock That was the Oh, that's the... It was all part of the original shock wait eight seconds all right ready set go a lot of misconceptions beg first no elevation oh what you want to do boil toy oh that shock do you get to eat your eggs no decoration mark four seconds i believe in you okay ready set go cold egg high no hot egg cold cold shock Hot. It made sense, right?

Cold, egg, high? No. No, I think you're pretty much covered at all. Wait, you have two seconds. All right. Ready, set, go. Hot egg shock. Ah!

What did you hit? Time to spare, I guess. The guy just did the greatest egg job of his life. Hey, I look the part. Well, now I just want to go eat eggs. Oh, Pee and J. Let's get weird for a sec. Imagine if your furniture could handle all the wild and ridiculous moments life froze at you.

For example, what if your couch grew and grew and grew and grew until it enveloped your entire house? Sounds like a really specific to you fantasy that we're building on here, but I like it. Continue. With cozy, you can have your home, your way, is what I'm trying to say. you can have modular furniture pieces where you're like hmm what if i want this to be like two seats and then curb what if i want to be 10 long modular so you can add and subtract pieces to kind of fit and then if you get a bigger house you take couch you add more pieces bigger couch cozy makes everything easy from keeping stylish keeping clean so transform your living space

today visit cozy.ca spelled c o z e y the home of possibilities made easy This episode is brought to you by Uber. You know that feeling when someone shows up for you when you need it most? Yeah. We all need that sometimes. And Uber knows that. Uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered. It's showing up no matter what.

I think that might be them knocking on the door because they're, you know, Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. Dude, them or the FBI. I'm not 100% sure. Yep. When it really matters, whatever it is. you show up. Or there's a will. We're on our way. Uber. On our way. Download the app today. Wade. Oh, I'm here. You get to go first on this one. Tell me how you would write a letter and mail it to somebody. You got one minute on the clock. You're writing a letter and then you're

mailing it. All right. Ready, set, do it. There are a lot of misconceptions about writing letters. I'm not going to go over those. What you need is an envelope. Stamp, pen, and paper. Get the paper, your pen, you write your letter. You follow it up. You stick it in the envelope. Seal up your envelope. Give it a little, close it up.

Write your address, top left corner. Right, whoever you want to sit it to in the middle. Stamp on the right. Mailbox, flag. Boing! You're done. Time to spare. You have to your own life.

Yeah. I'm used to pressure. All right. Mark, you get 30 seconds. So do I have to do? it in 15 and 15 seconds of silence at the end of it. No, you know what? Mark, you get the normal interval.

You get 30 seconds and you can do it in 15 or whatever. Wade, you get half the amount of time that you were going to get every time you have to go this round. Fuck me. Since you don't need all that extra time. Okay. So Mark, you get 30 seconds. So I have to repeat this thing word for word perfectly. Okay.

All right, I got it. I got it. Same pacing, everything. He gave you 30 seconds. 30 seconds of material. Ready? Yes. Set.

Go. There's a lot of misconceptions about writing a letter. I'm not going to get into that. But what I will tell you is that you need a pen, paper, and stamps. In that order? Uh-huh. Then you write on the paper, you stick it in the envelope, you give it a lick, get a little...

Seal it up. Mailbox. Put it in there. Flag. Booy, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. You're done. I don't even know if I took 30 seconds. But you skipped a few steps.

You skipped the envelope and the writing of the addresses, but otherwise good. Pretty close. I thought I had your name, I don't know. Alright, Wade, you jump all the way down to eight seconds on this one. Okay. Alright. You would have gotten 15, but since you don't need that back half of your time, I'm gonna give you eight seconds and we're gonna call it good. Ready, set, go.

No misconceptions. Pen, paper, write, put in the envelope. So write your address, their address, stamp. Fanbox, whin, done. How do you I don't even think you skipped anything Well you did skip some stuff from your very first one But no no no way

You get even less time If that's possible Can I give you less than one second when it's your turn Oh you can try No I'll try Mark You get eight seconds Oh okay

Don't make that Don't make that noise of me All these fools make sense All these decisions are super rational I'm good I'm good I'm good I'm good I got I love it Ready set Go. Don't look at my misconceptions.

Look at my paper. Oh, I'm writing on it. Where'd it go? And change the mailbox. Boing! You know, time to spare. I can set a timer for zero seconds. I don't know why that's doable in this app.

But, Wade, I have decided by the rules of fairness, which is a word I am allowed to say, that you get to make one sound. And it can be a long sound. Well, you get one sound. Can the sound evolve if it's still the same breath? Fine. If you stop making sound at any point, your answer ends. I guess take a deep breath.

The floor is yours. Go. Ah, all right. Did you crumple it up? The ksh was writing, the, was the licking, and the boing was the mailbox. I think I did pick up on all that. I think I did. Yeah, no, that's true

Going from the To boeing was tougher than I thought In my head You know, I hear a lot of voice actors say that And it never gets easier Not everybody can boin like your boy I'm losing track of everything Markets to go first on this one

Yes, yeah Yes, I think Markets to go first on this one I don't know if he says a lot of stuff You know Wait, wait, it's okay I'm gonna make it all sound effect based you don't cook a lot of eggs

so that maybe you are at a disadvantage and nobody mails letters I like fried eggs I don't have to boiled eggs I do fried eggs I know that we all do this thing I'm about to ask Mark to describe and even if it's purely sound effects we all know what this sounds like 100%. Mark I would like you to describe in one minute

how you get dressed when you start your day all right ready set go When you wake up in the morning and open your eyes and you look down south, nothing on your thighs. You got to get some pants out of your drawers. Get out on the balcony, let them hear you roar. It's your brand new day, and you're on your way to wherever you're going, it's okay.

You got to make some money to pay your bills, but you won't. go all the way up that hill where the tree is there and a chair and a noose. You stay away from that thing and you get on the loose. And don't forget your shirt because you only got pants, a sock for each foot, maybe glove for your hands, maybe some jewelry, maybe a watch, maybe your glasses, it's not a lot, you're ready. What the fuck? Wait, you got that?

Yeah, I guess. I mean, I think we all know that song. I sing that to myself every morning as I'm getting ready. If anything, it's because it's the song, it should be weirdly more memorable, right? Yeah, it's like a, it's like a pneumatic device. Did I get the first rhyme and then nothing was? I couldn't tell you a fucking single rhyme. All right, Wade, since I know you have it in your head, you have 30 seconds.

You ready? Yep. Ready, sec, go. When you wake up in the morning and you open your eyes and you look down, see, there's nothing on your thighs, you go over to your drawer because you need some more pants. So you put on your pants and you go outside and you go up a hill and you get a big thrill and you realize shit, you forgot your shirt and it's not a bit and you took a little squirt So you go back home, put the gloves on your hands,

you need to make some money and fold it in bands, maybe some hats and maybe some socks. If you need shoes, you can kick some rocks. Fucking dressed. Yeah, I actually wrote down what Mark said. I think you got all but one, which was very impressive. What I forget? Watch.

Watch. Oh, yeah. Mark, I don't know how you're possibly going to top that, but you have 15 seconds to try. Five. When you wake him in the morning and you open your eyes and you look down south and you got nothing on your thighs Then you go out get some pants on your ass and then you go outside here bro. Then you come back in.

Oh God, the hill! The hill! The hill! The hill! Shirtwatch jewelry. You're ready to go. uh wait you have eight seconds wow us ready set go open your eyes cover your thighs go outside with your will get the big thrill could a hill go inside gloves hat watch jewelry everything else you're

dressed woohoo the best time to spare on that one wow the hill the hill the hill well i'm really sorry mark but you have four seconds all right here we go on your on your go sir it's exactly as long as five six, seven, eight. I got dressed the night before. I don't know it. Oh, well, Wade, you have two seconds. All right, am I repeating that, or am I doing the previous one? Which really up to you, but I'll decide how many points you get based on if I like it or not, so... Okay.

I'm ready. On your go, sir. I'll give you the benefit. Open your eyes, cover your thighs, pants. On the hill, on the hill. God, I have gloves, jewelry, voice watch, fuck the dress. You even had time to fuck in there, according to my rhyme. Yeah, Wade, Wade really added some steps somehow.

I do feel like you went over time a little bit, but I think Mark cheated by getting dressed the night before. How to get dressed. Just do it the night before. Wade, you get to go first on this one, and I assume it will be the best one because I, Clay, I'm saying that it will be the last one. So, wait, you have one minute, and as Mark demonstrated, you may sing, I guess, if that's the thing you want to do, or do whatever else you want to explain to me how to change the oil in your car. Okay.

Do you know how that works, right? Nope, let's do it. Oh, okay. Go. So you got a new ride, and your car just died. I don't want to spoil, maybe need more oil. You go down low, you remove. bed pan the oil drips out you say hey no man so you get a nice bucket that you have to tuck it

the oil drips in and you know you're gonna win you seal it back up and you go on top take the screw right off you go oh need a mop you clean it up because that engine's a little messy and I guess now you know you're done your bestie you pour more oil in and you seal it back up you close the top you go to get some sopia some And then you think to yourself, I left that bucket of oil outside. Better go clean it up. So you go grab that oil and you take it somewhere else and you dump it in the ocean and get arrested for pollution. And now you're in jail, but your car's nice and won't fail.

Time to spare. I think I said bedpan. You did say bedpan, yeah. Oh yeah, that was the weird part of it all. That was the weird part. I'm sorry, was that not correct? That's a very neandering oil change, but... Oh, thank you.

I happened to notice. Good luck, Mark. I... I'm... I'm ready. All righty. Mark, you have 30 seconds. They said it couldn't be done.

Your car. On electricity, it runs! I say, fie on thee. I will do what I do. I get down below, and I find myself a screw. Ah! Oh, yeah! Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, he electrocated himself to death with time to spare. Time to spare. I'll lose points for that as well. I'll take my... Boy, what do you mean? You did a perfect imitation. what I did. I was going to give you a bonus points, yeah. Oh, okay, okay, good. That's what I meant. All right, wait, I'm not sure what you're supposed to do at this point. I got it. You have 15

seconds to do it. Yeah, I got it. This is the freestyle round. Ready? Go. So your friend just died. He had a shocking ride. He tried to change the oil, but a deadly was spoiled because he shocked himself. Now he's fucking dead. So you get his car and drive it instead. No oil needed. No oil needed. Time to spare. We're definitely playing the game by the rules, right? Oh, yeah. I think Rachel's going to be real proud of this one. Oh, God, please don't show her. Please don't watch. Do you get to come up to us after the show and clap our head on our shoulder?

Is that the title? Rachel don't watch. Rachel Wecht is not allowed to watch this. Go away. Mark, good news. You only have eight seconds to fill. I know you're just brimming with ideas, but go ahead and I'll just start it when you start because I don't want to rush you. Oh, five, six, seven, eight. Uh-huh.

Get it because I was dead. It's like we went from playing a simple game to doing like a, this is like a herald now, telling stories. crafting narratives. Is that what this podcast actually is, just one long herald? Are we geniuses? No. I could definitely say I'm not. And without sounding too rude, I'm going to go on a limb and say, I don't think Wade is either.

I zoned out. No, Wade could secretly be a genius and we would never know. That's true. He pretends to be the aloof. It is so much more fun playing a fool than it ever is being smart. How would you know? Oh, that's a good point. Banana.

We almost had it, Mark. We almost had him. It almost spilled his guts right there. Nothing stupider than say banana. Nothing. That's what us minions do. You know? Was it being the eye or what was it?

Yeah, that was the one eye. I think. I don't know. I'm stupid. Is that what that's called? Wait, do you have four seconds? All right, I'm ready. Ready, set, go.

Ryan, died, oil, died, I'm rich. Hello, come here. I'm just better. Holy shit. Woo! Smoking fast. Mark, would you like to play dead for two seconds? No, no, I got this. Okay.

If you don't play... Hmm? I'm just gonna say if you don't play dead, I'm gonna duck your points, because that's, that's the... Do what you want. Do what you want. Two seconds. Go ahead. I drive it to the shop and pay a man.

What, he's dead? But I'm dead. Got one of them self-driving cars. You know, it's got to something. Sometimes it does. It reactivated itself. Whatever it's auto kind of thing is, it just suddenly was like, you have it again now. And I'm like, why?

You said I had to pay for that. Did you charge me for it? Why do I have it now? Yes. Nobody's using it. Please have it. Oh my God, that's the biggest glob of spit I've ever spited. I think is like the smart cruise control worked already.

even without it. I'm like, I don't need much more than that. I don't need this. I don't need to take my hands off the wheel, is what I'm saying. I don't want to take my hands off the wheel. I like my hands right on the wheel. I don't know if we've talked about it on this show specifically, but have you seen those commercials now where I don't know which company is advertising

that you're supposed to take your hands off the wheel? And it's like showing people in the driver's seat of the car, like not paying attention to the driving at all, just like talking, like doing other shit. That's wrong, Cotton. I don't remember which company is, but the commercials are completely shocking to me because literally it's like encouraging you to get your hands off the wheel and start paying attention to other shit that's happening inside the car. That's incredibly stupid and irresponsible.

And it's not even just don't sue us, but it's not even Tesla. Because you might hear that and think like, ah, that sounds like something Tesla would do, right? Because they're super gung-ho about it. I remember it's not a Tesla commercial. As far as I know, they don't even run commercials. But I think it's one of the major, it was one of the big car companies. The whole commercial is like, yeah, don't look.

Kick your hands off. Take a nap. You don't have to pay attention to anything. We'll drive for you. I don't think I want that. What are we talking about? The Tesla smell and how it's an elongated musk. Anyway.

Then we played the dead oil change game. Yeah, that's my favorite improv game. Dead oil change. In no particular order. Wade, you got points for. Oh, let me stand. DART. Deviation point for your nose, I guess. Uh, can I get a hickie? An asshole point for the first round of the game where you didn't

understand the rules and tortured Mark for some reason. The one sound answer that you gave, time to spare bit. Eventually I did give you a point for that. This one just says fuck point. Oh, because you had time to fuck. That's right. You were putting a clothes on and you found time. And you got the no oil needed point. Living with a total of eight point. I got one point before the episode even started because I don't remember. Mark, you got points for making it awkward. The coincidence that just happened to come up regarding your movie and the timing thereof. Oh, the coincidence.

Pussy Pop! Hike! I gotta admit that was Wade that said that. I want to be clear. I did not. Wade said something and you heard Pussy Pop, so I don't... Oh, he gets the point for that. one. He can have the pussy pop. He definitely has all claim to the pussy pop. I might have been taken to the barber shop, but he can make the pussy pop. I'm gonna cut that off right there.

Mark, you got a point for the toy that changes in the egg. You lost a point for I got dressed the night before and you got another point for being fucking dead, which leaves you with a grand total of six points. Points were hard to come by today. I know, I usually give them out. I'm usually a point slut, but today I was in no mood. Yeah, I wasn't counting wades, so I didn't know I was under. I thought I was feeling pretty good about that. Really? You would only be, you'd be

right there if I went for the minus one. You gave me the pussy pop point, right? I kept that on your side, yeah. Oh, now he wants it. Now he wants that pussy pop point. A peep, pay, pay. Everybody loves PPPs. I had a lot of talk about that during the last election cycle. Two wheel spins. I'm sure

nothing bad will happen. I see nothing, so I have full faith. in this. You do, oh, you don't see? I see nothing. I do. Well, I'll treat you like the listeners. I'll read it out for you when we get there.

I'm going to give a point to whoever would make Rachel the most proud. Who was that today? Bob, but just Bob get the point? No, I think she would have been really proud of all of us. You know what? I think Mark would win that point today because he started singing unprompted. That's true. He was the first to sing.

That's true. And also, I hate some. So I would never have done that. But Mark is a bold leader. Anyway, two spins. The wheel is spinning. It's slowing. The wheel approaches and lands on scary as contribution.

That one's obviously Mark for the FNAF bring up and his rated R movie. It's a horror movie. It is, it is very spooky. I got my head shaved, man. It's that scary than scary movies. I don't know. Uh, disable on the next spin spin spin again. Please don't do anything to me Best word used

Wade did say pussy pop Elongated musk Nah, I don't care I don't care for that one That bit can go away And I feel like both of you when you were singing You like rhymed some things And you threw some point

Well no I think Mark might be right though Wade did say pussy pop You disagree with that just a few minutes ago. What do you? How? How do you? I didn't disagree with that. I just, I just decided that Mark should get that point regardless of whether you said it or, or he heard it. Edders, what do I actually say? Bussie Pop is the best word that anyone used tonight. I think science will back me up on that. That makes the final score, Mark, with six, and weighed with nine. I got trounced.

I should have had seven. That way this episode could be all six sevens. six nine is our generation's funny numbers okay we don't need six seven we have six nine because it's mouth full of private parts you just keep saying stuff tonight and I love it I'm here and I'm barely awake and a functional it's like noon for you I know it's late at night but you you wake up at 1 p.m. and you work until 4 in the morning I can't possibly say it's not a good time for you not be sleeping great I say as an adult I haven't either but I've been sick you don't have any excuses you winner I was sick yesterday. I had food poisoning, I think, which was not pleasant, but it's a different kind of sick.

Mark, would you like to give a pussy-popping loser speech? Five, six. Or a regular one. Sorry. No, no, I can't do it now. Oh, it's ruined. I can't sing my loser speech. Thanks, Bob. Anyway, I lost. But hey, did I really, when you can buy tickets for Iron Lung right now? check your local listing, I think. Coming out, January, January. Call 1-800 movie phone,

and that guy who reads the movie times will tell you when Iron Lung is playing in your theater. If there's one point, if there's an argument that this episode of this podcast was making, it's that you should see Iron Lung. Wait, would you like to give a normal winner speech? Well, okay. This was a fun one.

I was not anticipating the singing, but it did go probably well for everyone watching and listening. I hope you all have fun. But I do want to take time from this winter speech to say, you should go get tickets and see Iron Lung. And that really only matters to one of us, but he's our friend we want to support him and I also want to go see it. Does it matter to you?

I mean, like, we don't have financial connection to it. You know, we're not like promoted, promoted to say it. Rising tide raises all boats. Like, I'm not going to push for this because I'm not that guy. But I feel like you and I almost need to be credited. Like, we need a spot in the credit role for our role in being, here and watching Mark do all of this hard work on the movie that's finally getting we didn't do anything but we were here the whole time it is true it is true you guys

were here the whole time so I do appreciate that always do I had this realization that like I have been working on this movie for a nearly a third of the time that I have been together with Amy damn that didn't feel great that's a crazy easy way to frame then it's not quite a third but it's not a quarter it's over a quarter I don't know why that particular thought popped in my head I was just like hmm hmm I mean I had the thought that I've been with Molly a third of my life the other day very different but similar line of thinking a career doing this has been a third of my life YouTube and such uh wait congratulations you'll be hosting the next one yep we're doing we're getting older

part six well or weird part five I snuck in a weird four or so maybe. You never know. Make sure you follow these guys on their socials. Make sure you check out wherever Iron Lung is playing near you, because tickets are on sale now. Also, we should mention the merch drop. This is not nearly as important as the movie, but there is a holiday merch drop for Distractable,

and I know what the designs are, and they're pretty funny. You should check them out. Distractable. Dot shop or distractible. Dot store if I get enough time to make it that also. Distractable. Dot shop is the one you want. Check that out. There's some holiday stuff.

If you order, well, you better order fast because it's probably going to sell out fast, but if you order quickly, you might even be able to get it before Christmas. I think there's a guarantee on that and check it out. Thank you for sticking with yet another one of your second cousin's niece's favorite podcast, that joke I used to make. And we are out of here. Podcast out. Watch new episodes on Spotify.