Distractible - Get Ready For A Lot of Ligolo

Episode Date: December 22, 2025

The guys alphabetically bring out the Christmas cheer with classic tales of elf prison breaks, fast food snowmen, gigantic Santas, and a whole lot of everyone's favorite character: Ligolo. Reserve your ticket now at ironlung.com. Only in theaters January 30, 2026. Order now at ⁠pandaexpress.com⁠ or a store near you. Get set up quick and connect to their fast speeds. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is presented by Panda Express. It shouldn't be difficult, and maybe it's a bit silly, but we've all been there. Sometimes saying I love you is just hard, whether it's your partner, someone in your family, a good friend. But when you order tasty, authentically cooked American Chinese cuisine from Panda Express, they'll know what you mean. Because sharing some delicious orange chicken or my personal favorite, the honey walnut shrimp, that means more than words, right? So, have you eaten yet? Order now or find your nearest Panda Express. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable.

This episode, Warmed Wade has delivery stalkers. Jizzes, gases, takes six inches, then spins for letters. Benighted Bob, celebrates his son, blows snow, talks erections, fudging rolls, and channels bad Santa. mutilating mark reduces blood confides about captioning rejects syphilis bites ass

and sucks quills from sunlight to merry mass murder it's time for get ready for a lot of Ligolo now sit back and prepare to be distracted

and enjoy the show I swear I ordered a blackout curtain for this window Like two weeks ago At Amazon keeps fucking pushing back the delivery We've ordered dozens of things For like Christmas and stuff And this is the one item Every time I get on I'm like

Gah It's so bright What the fuck We're kind of dark and gloomy So it's nice to have a little bit of brightness In our podcast I don't know It kind of is nice

actually seeing sunlight and stuff, it made me realize I have this window here that I never open. You have a window in front of you? Yeah, I get a window right there. I'll, I mean, you don't have to fuck up your whole thing. He's going to fuck up my lighting. Nah, we're going on there. We're going, I'm doing it.

My windows over the river and through the woods. Is that just because it's Christmas time or? Whoa. Hey, look who's in the blues era. Why is the sun blue in L.A.? What happened? It's because I got all these lights are orange, so I white balance for the orange. So I got to change the white balance, I guess, a little bit.

That's actually really nice. God, I see a tree. This office is so much nicer with that open. You're welcome? If I put a window in here, I can see some dirt. You can have one of those basement windows. I think I know where your office is. You basically just have like trees and stuff out there, right?

It's like in the face-in, like your backyard kind or whatever, right? I'm almost thinking you had a nice naturey landscape to look at. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of White Balance. Every comment on every platform this episode gets posted on would just be like, does Mark look blue to you guys? Does something change with Mark's camera?

Hang on. His face is long and blue today. That's a little better. Distractable Season 4 episode 20, scene one. Action. Wade, you look so dark now. Sure you don't want to pop her window open? Cut. I don't have a window.

You don't have a window. I think only the director gets to call cut It's me today, I'm those No, no, you're just those I'm pretty sure you would not be the director I think if anyone here gets to direct It's probably Mark Oh no, sit in a chair and just tell people

What they're doing is wrong? I could do that You've seen him work Is that how he is? Mark, Mark, the set dictator sits in his chair and ever moves a muscle Asks for a coffee, then throws it at the intern I know how it works A different memory of that Oh man, that's because you don't remember

Are you gonna do the intro Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Distractable. Nothing has happened prior to this. We are starting right now in this moment, together. Join, as always, by my co-hosts, Mark and Bob. Hey, guys. Hello. I'm here as well, basking in the glorious sun.

Today, we taught Mark about windows. I feel like I've had this discovery on this podcast before. And for some reason, it got closed. Oh, we are getting brighter. Not me. I have no window. Well, that's a shame. You should get one. I once again, I don't know if that's how it works when you're underground.

I don't think you can just window. Do you have a window boxed up on the ground and just haven't opened it yet? There is a box here that I have no idea what's in it. I need to open it and see. It's been here a while. It's a window. If you're just now joining us for the first time, this is a podcast where one of us hosts, the other two compete for points.

Whoever has the most at the end gets the host the next episode. We usually, and we'll continue to start off with some small talk. So what's been new in your lives, guys? It's a holidays. It's almost Christmas. It is. And it was James's birthday. How'd that go? Or how will that have gone? Really fun. He got some really fun stuff.

Every day he's obsessed with his new presents that he got. He's having a great time. It was fun. He's three now. Can you believe he's three years old? Does that sound right? I mean, he's not, you guys don't see him every day, so I guess. I would believe two. Three sounds far-fetched. It doesn't feel like it's been three years. Do you guys remember when he was first born and we were recording this? And I would show up and be like, I haven't slept. in three days. Yeah.

That feels like it was last week. Yeah, that feels like it was just happening. This is a very different type of thing than Mark's movie, because the movie has also been going on for quite a while, and I feel like the baby has had less of a direct impact, maybe, except for just making me real weird and a completely different person. But, yeah, he turned three. It's weird. I feel like the movie has also made me real weird and a completely different person at times,

so. Man, what's my excuse? They've both been part of the show, really. And Wade does stuff too Thank you I assume you leave that room that you're in that's really dark Not often Assume you you poop in your toilets that don't flush

Often enough Good job buddy Yeah is your shower still exploding No? Though we do have hard water So we have some buildup happening in our shower head Where like one of the little water holes Is like shooting crooked

So now whenever you go to get into the shower Like there's one perfectly at eye level Three times in a row I've gotten in there and just been sprayed right in the eye with like this like feels like a fire hose beam of water

Turkey or you take it a shower you just walk in on and spraying in a surprising direction because you know normally it just comes out like and there's one beam

that's like do you step in the shower and turn it on I have to you don't turn it on before to warm it up well I do but I still have to step in

to turn it on and then I quickly pull back Because our handles like across the shower. Okay, I see. It's not as big as I'm making it sound, but they're still like, you have to step in to do it. I just saw you stumbled in, mouth the gate, eyes wide, and just stood there and took it. No, but after I turn it on and it warms up and I get in, it's still spraying in a direction that whenever you get in and you're using your eyes to get in to see where you're going, it hits you right in the eye. Again, we're talking normal spray is in a direction and then one of them.

going off in a direction that would surprise you in an angle that doesn't make sense. See, I told you he does stuff. I do. Have I told you guys about the weird delivery, the late night delivery we had? Wait, we had one of those too. Let's see if they match up.

We had a car pull into our driveway. Like, I don't know, six o'clock in the evening. Pulled in, sat there. Nobody got out, sat there. Like three minutes passed. They back out and they leave. And I was like,

deliver anything? No, and I was like, I guess they went to the wrong house. I don't know. That was weird. Maybe they were trying to figure where they were. Who knows what they were doing? Anyway, they're gone. It's fine. We get an alert at 2.30 in the morning that there's someone in our driveway. And I'm like, I go to look, and there is the same car in our driveway at 2.30 in the morning. And the guy goes to the back of his car, opens up the trunk, gets a box, walks, sets it down, gets in his car and leaves. 2.30 in the morning delivery. Scared the crap out of it. at me. Why would they deliver that? Sometimes Amazon does that where

they'll do an overnight delivery, but you usually have to pick it. Well, are you allowed to tell us what was in the box? I don't know. What was in? I don't know. What was in the box? What do you mean you don't know what was in the box? It was Molly's package. I don't know it was in the box. Okay, but it was a package that one of you took inside the house and opened. Okay, okay. I thought you just left the box there

and we're like, I'm not going to touch that. Well, I did. The next day I told Molly about it. And we bring packages in for Molly? Not at 2.30 in the morning. Well, you watched it on, you weren't curious? I'm not sitting up in bed at 2.30 in the morning, watching some stranger walk up to my door and leave a box and then be like, I'll deal with that later.

I had 100% was going to deal with that later. I was comfy in my bed. What if a person was in then they popped out and stabbed me? I don't want to be stabbed before I slept. Exactly, yeah. It's late at night, some drops off packages. That's a trap. They want you to come outside so that they can go in your house

and you didn't notice they went in your house. They slipped in behind you. And now they're in your walls. Yeah, I have heard, especially if you're in the Appalachian foothills, somebody comes and leaves a box on your doorstep at 2.30 in the morning. It's not a person, and it's not a box. It's just a box man coming for your toes. I think that covers everything possibly new in my life.

I don't want to tease this without saying it, so I'll just tell the story really quick. Yours was more interesting than ours. Ours was just a pizza, but I was upstairs in my office doing something with headphones on, and Mandy was downstairs alone. and someone came to our door at like 11 o'clock at night like late at night but not like middle of the night and we're in a new house and it scared the shit out of Mandy because our front door is kind of like part of its frosted glass

so you could see so she could see like a guy walked up and like rang the doorbell and then right and stood there and she was like oh fuck like someone's breaking in what the fuck it was just pizza it was so the neighbors had ordered pizza and that was how I met the neighbors at 11 o'clock at night in my sweatpants and sandals I carried their pizza over was like, hey, I didn't touch it, you can eat it, I promise. I'm your neighbor. Bye. I also love the thought of a break-in starting with the doorbell.

And if nobody answers, then you can assume it's an empty house. Or probably not. I don't know. I would assume a horrible serial killer ringing the doorbell and holding flowers and then open the door and they drop the flowers and they just have a machete and start cutting me up. I checked the box. Imagine if I had left the pizza till morning. Then we would have just had cold pizza and my neighbors would have been sad. and they would have starved to death. Not my problem. I don't want to tell you your business,

but are you keeping score? Because I feel like that story was worth points, and I didn't really see you jotting any points down. I've jotted so many points. Okay. Well, I hope somewhere for that story, because I feel like that was a good story. Why do I feel my point total increasing all of a sudden?

I cut you off, Mark. I just wanted to, I didn't want to leave that hanging because I said, we had the same thing. That's right. No, I mean, all I was going to say is a movie's been doing really good. there's all of a sudden a bunch of things I have to deal with that I forgot about in terms of being the only one distributing the movie and paperwork and international filings and stuff like that. It's all very boring, but honestly, I'll take this work over all the other bullshit I had to deal with. I had to submit the trailer to the MPA for rating.

Even though trailers aren't rated, they are rated to be approved in which movies they can be played before, right? because you don't want sure you don't want this movie before like Pixar's baby movie Dora the Explorer Before that check out iron lung I had to make No the blood was a problem right

So the blood was actually it was too much blood they said For anything that wasn't already an R rated movie But if I if I cut down the blood Then it could play in PG-13 movies Which would open up to a lot more So I had to re-edit some of the blood out So there will be a different cut that is going to be in the preview. It's all just blue.

It's like water. I know this is not how it works. I just had an image of like just you in a room where the real shot is a bunch of blow of blood or whatever happened. And you're like, but then it's just you dry. Just being like, man, what's he freaking out about? Guess we got to watch the movie. Man, I wanted to make like the sunshine. rainbows cut, which is just like covering up

everything with just like a happy sticker or just like re-editing it and like one of those comedy trailers or something like that. Co-lab with Cookie Crisp just have milk and cookies like flooding in. Oh, you know the guy who makes the the jizz edit of the Ireland trailer? I was trying to avoid the jizz with the white,

but yeah, yeah. What can you do? Jizz, once the bringer of life. Go on. I'm good. Finishing up handoffs for the There's like close captioning I have to do, which, you know, weirdly enough, it's like they want to send it off to a business to do close captioning. This is indicative of a lot of things in a lot of these spheres, where it's like you send it off and three to four weeks later it'll be captioned in one language, English.

And I'm like, I can do that in a day, you know, so I will. That's just the really funny thing about a lot of this stuff is the default is to do this path that take. three to four weeks and is just at the whims of someone else when in reality the task is if you think about the task is just writing down what everybody says in the movie which i've already done in the script and descriptive audio which is which is a technical thing but honestly like descriptive audio there's a pretty basic framework for it and so you can do that those captions always seem like a pain in the ass but i guess if you already have a script and know what your sounds are it makes it easier basically all there is doing and bob i thought i win already but you

You told me about your pizza delivered. Didn't I talk before that? Didn't I talk about how it was James's birthday before then? No, there would definitely be points about that if you had. Oh, yeah, because I was saying about the points and how it seemed like you weren't writing any points down when I was talking. But I had talked, right? That all happened out loud, not just in my head, right? That wasn't it before we started recording.

I have more. More stuff happened. Do you want more? Yeah, yeah. Please. Tell me more. Oh, save it for the next episode. Come on, man.

I own a snowblower now. Oh, yeah. Yeah, me too. Kind of. What does that mean? Yeah, wait. What the fuck? Would you go havesies with it on somebody? What do you mean? Kind of.

Maybe it's just what a snow blower is, but I got what I thought was like a better snow shovel. Did you get an electric snow shovel? I thought that's what I got. But the way it works is you push it like a snow shovel and then it just like sucks and blows the snow back out. So it's a snow blower that I thought was just an electric snow shovel. No, that's a, that's a snow shovel. A snowblower is technically different

And the snow shovel is I've never owned one But I've heard from everyone I looked at online That they're fucking useless And very unpleasant The thing I got? Yes Oh

Did it work? Yeah, better than the shovel No, the snowblower's fun though It feels dangerous Is it like gas or electric Or nuclear power? It's gas powered I've been burned on electric powered

Large devices before I didn't really want gas powered but I just want to keep gas in my garage because of the smell. I like the smell of gasoline and like I don't want to be around it. Those those things don't make sense next to each other but I know I shouldn't. Having a can of gas in your garage

doesn't make the whole garage smell like gas unless you like spill it or leave it open or something. How long can you have gas in your garage before it like goes bad too? I mean gas technically goes bad after maybe three to six months but I have kept gas in my garage for over a year before and that's what I mean though. only use gas in my garage for that one snowblower, which I would maybe use twice a year. Just sort of loses octane and then doesn't burn as well, but it pretty much works.

As long as it's not like five-year-old gas, it turned into varnish, it's probably fine. Okay, so up to five years. Is that where varnish comes from? No, it's not where varnish. But if gasoline sits around for long enough, like the liquid evaporates out of it, and it turns into like a sludgy, it looks like varnish. Like it turns into like a golden, sticky, gooey, brown mess of gross stuff. How you make gold? Probably.

It's basically alchemy. Interesting, interesting. But yeah, like I, it's nerdy too. I mean, maybe not nerdy. It's cool. It's cool. Man stuff. But it's a, it's a little carbureated 212cc engine.

And part of me is like, God, I can't wait until I have to do an oil change on it. Put it up on some stands. Drain the oil. Check the spark plug. You know, man stuff. Never done that in my life. but so how does yours is it like uh on wheels or something you just like push it or how's yeah it's got two back wheels and then it has like the the blade part at the front that kind of just rides on the ground

and the just kind of it honestly works like a push lawnmower like it's not that different it feels like you're just pushing a lawnmower on your driveway but it's cool and it was so much better than shoveling holy shit yeah for those out that don't know we had a lot of snow for us it was like six inches but for us that's a decent amount of snow in Cincinnati for the record we don't have any snow. If you ever got snow, there's no way you're getting up that hill in your driveway. Not even with a wagon. The wagon of Icarus? The wagon of sycophis. The wagon of syphilis? I don't want to ride the wagon of syphilis. Makes it better. How? How does it make it better? I mean, you still have syphilis, but do you have a wagon?

Well, I guess there is a... Better than the chlamydia convertible. In every movie or show that talks about syphilis, like the frangis, like the frangis, Einstein movie was the most recent example, is like, it is one of the most horrifically depicted diseases that I could ever imagine whenever someone talks about it. It's like, is it really that bad? Is it? It's curable, right? But if you don't cure it, it's a horrible death that it leads to or something?

Yeah, isn't the thing that if you don't treat it, it's bad? But, like, it's treatable by, like, penicillin and all modern, well, not all, but, like, modern medicine treat it easily with, like, a pill that you take. But if you leave it untreated, doesn't it, like, make you go crazy or something? Yeah, well, that's the thing is, I don't know. if that's what did it, or it was the mercury they were drinking to try to treat it, right?

So is it really that bad or was the cure worse than the disease in that perspective? I imagine the disease is bad. I'm not saying, hey, syphilis isn't so bad, everybody. Are you a syphilis apologist? Look, we want to formally

apologize to all our syphil listeners and our syphil watchers. Anyway, I am with you. I always just assumed it was that they didn't have penicillin. So they were like, guess I'm sick now, and then it ruins your brain or whatever it does. Because I'm pretty sure modern day, as long as you treat it, you're okay, but. But probably drinking mercury is like not great. No, you put it on your fish. Horrendous. But

cool. Real cool looking, yeah. You know how like when your temperature goes up, the mercury thermometers, like it will show you your temperature going up? So if you injected mercury in your penis and you got warmer, would you get a wrecked? Yes. I'm going to say yes, scientifically. Just asking for a friend. I'm trying to wrap my head around the question. It expands when it heats up. Wouldn't that just mean that if you inject room temperature

Quicksilver into your penis, you have a forever boner because your body temperature is warmer than room temperature, so it would expand from whatever volume you injected initially? You think? I need to find a book about this and learn me some stuff. I'm sure there are books about this that we can all... We just go to Google and type in penis, mercury, injection, body temperature. And while you do that, I'm going to get started with the game today,

because I just looked at the time and we've been going for a while, and whoops, I let this get out of hand again, as I always do. Well, you made me small talk twice. He really did. I feel like I should get another small talk opportunity here. He was so disinterested in my James small talk. He didn't even remember it happened. This episode is brought to you by T-Mobile 5.

5G home internet. Mark and I have known each other since college and we connected fast. Oh yeah, how fast? Like T-Mobile 5G home internet fast. Well, in fact, I bet you can literally hop online in less than 15 minutes and connect with their fast speeds at a great price no matter what your budget looks like. On top of that, you don't have to worry about your price changing thanks to a five-year price guarantee. I didn't feel any air quotes coming from you on that one. I'm not going to lie. With their fast 5G speeds, quick 15 minute setup, and five-year price guarantee, you really can't ask for a better setup. Visit T-Mobile.com slash home internet to check availability. Guarantries monthly price of fixed wireless

5G internet data, exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Service delivered via 5G network speeds vary to factor affecting cellular networks, guarantee exclusions, and details at T-Mobile.com slash home internet. we are playing i don't remember what it's called i'm going to call it the alphabet game which is probably what it's called so on uh whose lines anyway there's a game where a scene is set and let's just say Colin and Ryan are in the scene and Drew Carey will turn to the audience say give me a letter and they'll say Q and so then drill turned to Colin or Ryan and say all right the letter is q uh the scene is Ryan. Colin has run off with your wife. A scene. And then Ryan will go,

quickly explain yourself. Why would you take Sandy? Really? Really? You would say that to me? So it is true. QRS. Like each sentence starts off with that letter. I was just in the scene. I was so, oh, so. Yeah, I'm invested now. So anyway, uh, I'm just going to randomly get a letter. I don't, is there like a random letter generator?

Like a one through 26 random number picker would probably work. I found, even better. I found a, wheel with all letters on i'll spin the wheel you said somebody else's wheel what the listen i won't be held down by one wheel i'm a a wheel go on yeah go on yeah you got it those people that that are yeah fuck a lot of other people you know those people huh no i should have stopped you i should have stopped you man i'm a wheel i'm a wheel get her around her get around her what deuce wadolo wheel jiggle Yes. I don't write a point for that. Oh, I'm writing a point for that.

All right, well... I couldn't figure out with Gigolo, started with a G or a J, and I wrote an elf. I don't know. I don't know that's the sluttiest elf in Lord of the Rings. What are your elf I see, Ligolo? See a couple hotties out there. Just waiting for me to swing by. Yeah, I don't talk like the other elves. This is how I talk. I'm Ligolo. I never imagine I'd die next to an elf. What about dying next to

to Ligolo? Interesting. Interesting. All right, you guys are starting. No, I want to talk about Ligolo some more. You're going to have to toss me. Oh, when you say it like that. First prompt, you can bring me back Ligolo if you want. You're ready for a lot of Ligolo.

That's the name of the episode. Get ready for a lot of Ligolo. Damn it. That's why I had the worst host I could ever control my contestants. Look, when you get some of, like, Ligolo out there when you make Ligolo exist. I just couldn't pick between G and J, man.

I don't know how it became an L. Your scenario. Elf Mark really wants to win Elf of the year, but Elf Bob seems like the clear favorite. Your starting letter is W. Sorry, I was listening to you. I'm still thinking about Ligolo.

Elf Mark wants to win Elf of the year, but Elf Bob seems like the clear favorite. Your letter is W. Why? Why do you keep doing this to me year after year? Zounds, man. Have you nothing to say? No, wait, that's not the right letter. Jesus Christ.

Wait, wait. We can't play this game. We're not smart enough for it. Hold on. I thought, did you say Mark was going first? I didn't, but he just decided. Okay. Because I thought of a thing to say with W, and then Mark went, and my brain was like,

W's not after W, and then I couldn't think of the next letter. I thought fucking Z was after W. God, I don't know. I don't know, buddy. All right, let's start again. Um, Bob, you get to go first. Elf Mark wants to win Elf of the year, but you seem like the clear favorite. Why you would kick this off? I don't know, but you do now. Well, have fun with that next letter, which we all know is X. I thought that was your life. Okay, I'll start with that, just to make you happy.

Well, looks like I win again, loser. You're right, this is tough. Um, X comes next. Okay, one word start with X, you fucking doucheback. God damn! Just give him a name! I don't know. Call him Xerxes. I don't give a shit, man. No, he's Ligolo. He's got to be Ligolo. I can't name him something else like that.

He goes by his middle name. His name is Xerxes. Ligolo Elfington. I don't fucking know. Hang, I got to Google something real quick. I can't even, if I take away or give points, I have to do it for both of you because you're both incompetent. You started with possibly the hardest. You were like, let's warm up with A. I spun a wheel. Yeah, and we all always don't fudge those. wheelspins that we do.

God, no, I would have missed this golden opportunity. No Game Master ever has fudged a dice roll to make something work for their players. We are legit here at Distractable Studios. Dude, I'm looking at all these X words and I'm like, man, I do not know if these are spelled right. This is, hmm. I got a couple for you. Xylophone. Well, that's the one everyone always does.

Hold on. Shush. Okay. X. app said that I was the clear favorite. You always find something that tells you that you're the clear favorite. Zero percent chance that I win, that's impossible. Anything's possible.

But me winning, apparently. Because you're a loser, and you'll always be a loser, and I'm the best. Don't resort to name calling. You know that you bribed the judges. Everyone knows that I bribed the judges. That's why I always win. Fuck! Good!

You're finally realizing the truth. You're finally going to accept what's going to happen here. Hopefully, in a few years, this is all going to come to bite you in the ass. I hope that in a few years, you'll realize that you were the one biting my ass the whole time. Just wait till you get in your car. Cranky. You're too cranky. That's what they're going to call you.

You're going to go down as the crankiest man I've ever. ever known. Elf. Elf. Man elf? Grown elf? Ligolo, you can't even spell right. Cranky is with a C. Man, that's why I bribed the judges. I'm not a speller. I'm a winner. That's what I do. No, no. This can't be right. I worked so hard. Only to come up short once again. I don't know what to tell you. It's not my fault. Porn. I know about your secret. A quick tell, call the news stations. Oh no. Liglo. Loaded porn. Who doesn't know that?

Rar. You got me. All right. Good warm up. Good warm up. You guys did great. We're on to the real game now. Oh, that's not the real game? It is, but that was the warm up. All right. The next scene, Mark, you'll kick this one off. Police officer Mark tries to arrest Santa Bob for home invasion. your starting letter is I. I don't have a warrant.

And neither to you. Just wait a minute now. There's a totally reasonable explanation for this. Clause? No. Clause with a C. That's you, isn't it? Look.

Look, I don't have any identification, so you're just going to have to take my word for it. Yes, it's me. S. Clause. Merry Christmas. Get on the ground. No. Oh, I thought you were going to shoot me.

Or I'll shoot, or, or I'll shoot. Please don't. I could put you on the nice list. Really? You'd do that for me? I've done some terrible things. Quite awful, really. Just the worst that I could.

But I'll put you on the nice list if you promise not to shoot me. Stop tempting me. Stopped out. You're confusing me. I'm getting everything mixed up. Letters. My name. This gun.

You? That's fine. Why don't you just hand the gun to Santa and we can talk this out? Undoubtedly, I want to trust you, but I can't. Verily, I say unto thee, I am Santa Claus and I will have that gun in my gloved hand. What's in your bag? What's in the bag? Xylophones! You know, they love xylophones. Zero chance.

I'm not letting you go. No. Yes. Wait, shut up. Yes. Shut. Shut. You're confusing me.

You, you are confusing me. Stop it! Zep, Zep, can I call you Zep? Listen, I know you're not gonna shoot me. You couldn't shoot me. I have a magical barrier. I've just been playing along to try and win you over because you're such a terrible person,

but I really have nothing to fear from you, okay? so can we just, please? All Santas are bad, and I'm taking you in. Cut that one out. I don't want that in there. Let's just redo that one. I don't know if you get to cut that. I think that's what, no, I think that's the way. They went to go with that.

Okay, all right, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I meant. Big mistake, boy. Now you'll get to see my true power. Corblimy, gov. Don't take an accent with me, you slippery bitch. It's time to suffer for your misdeeds. Evil. You're evil.

You're some kind of evil. Evil? Fun. This is going to be so much fun. F. I got... Gun. Gun. I've got a gun.

Says Santa magically gets five times bigger and looms over you and is boom, boof, boof, ho, ho. See, got through it all. That's all the letters. That was it, right? God, I'm so glad you guys are such masters of the English language. Well, I used up my one X, so now I'm in trouble. Yeah, it's the only one. I got the list of X's here and there's really nothing helpful. Xantham gum, I guess, is also a thing.

All right, Bob, you're leading off. Elf Bob tries to convince Elf Mark that using AI to make the naughty list is a good idea. So I have to be, I'm pro AI. Got it. Yep. And you are starting with the letter C. Come on, who really wants to do all that work? Let's just use the chat thing. Come on. I don't know about this one, man. seems kind of risky. Everybody's doing it.

Literally everything you see is probably generated by AI at this point. Forget, well, about what everyone else is doing. This could put people on the Nautilus that shouldn't be there. Good. They deserve it. Nobody's good enough to belong on the nice list anymore. Do you know

how hard is to be good in modern society? Happiness still exists in the world. There's hope. In cells exist in the world. There's no hope. There's only tragedy. Noddy list. Just because some people have this idea that they're all socially inept and on the house doesn't mean that there's not hope and happiness.

Kleptomaniacs like you shouldn't be left in charge of what is good and bad about society. I know the truth and I know they all deserve it. Ligolo, you said you would not bring up my past. Markinus. I made no such promises. No promises you swore an oath Oaths are for idiots That's what I say about that

I'm gonna copy and paste this bad boy into chat GPT And have it tell me who's what And we'll just give that to the big guy We'll be done with it Pussy Quill Sucker Reindeer Santa Licker

Treat Tucker Treat Tucker Uncalled for. That was uncalled for. That was, you know, about my personal... Well, let's just back away from that one. That's okay. I'll forget. I'll let that go. We'll just let that go. Very fair point. Very fair.

I shouldn't across that line. Well, anyway, I'm going to just go ahead and enter and have this thing. Tell us who's what, and so we can get the hell out of here and go have some drinks. Grab's your laptop. Zantham gum. You don't look at a man's search history. You know, you put, you give that back right now so I can get this done and we can get out of here. Come on.

Zooks. God, even. I can't believe you would trust this thing, let alone your search history. Anyone who looks at another man's search history does not get to tell me my business. Enter. Generating lists of Nottia Nice. Go get a bit, be, bo, do, boop. Oh.

Not a hope. Oh. And there we have it. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. It was going so strong until the very last letter. Damn it. I like this game. It's always fun to see what happens whenever you guys are approaching the letter X.

Mark, you are starting this one off. Frosty the Snowman, aka Mark, sues manager Bob for putting him in charge of grilling food, which is causing him to melt. And your first letter is S. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, I'm going to sue you. This is outrageous.

Frosty, get back on the grill, get out of my face. We're in the middle of rush. Under no circumstances, am I going back there? Look at my ass. Very funny. We both know you don't have an ass. I'll look at your bottom ball, and then I'll look at it as it waddles away back to the grill.

Cook some goddamn burgers. Well, I do have one now. It's melted right down the crack that I didn't have before. Zinia, Ohio, needs their Wendy's, and I need you to go grill some square meat patties right now. You made me do my weird scream. That's how angry I am. I'm a snowman. I talk a little funny.

Just don't make fun of that. You always forget about why. I always forget about it. Fuck. Oh, fuck. You made me do my... Second weird scream. Zip your charcoal.

I've had enough lip. Here's your option. I'm either going to write you up right now, kick your butt out of here, or you're going to go cook some burgers, or if you want, you could do dishes. But that's your only options. All managers are bad.

I'm going to take you down. Big man's growing some pants, huh? Just because you think you got a little butt crack now and get some pants on there? You think you're a big man like me? Think you could take me on? Come spring, I'm dead anyway. Why not start now?

Do it. You won't. Epe. Yeah, you're right. Finally, I think you're, I think we're coming to an understand. I think you're seeing my point, okay? Are we gonna give back to the grill? We're gonna comply? Gonna be compliant, compliant employee?

Good employees follow orders. But if I do melt, wouldn't that also not let burgers be made for Zinia's residence? Hey. If you do melt, I'll put you in some cups and sell ya's ice water to customers. I guess I'd be okay with that. Got yourself a deal, Frosty. What letter are we started with? I don't remember. Well, you guys, uh, you started at S and you finished it.

I guess you've got yourself a deal, but I mean... Oh, okay, so it ends when we get to the end of the scene. I, uh, all right. Well, I was going to have you guys go the full loop of the alphabet, but I didn't know where you'd go after, guess you've got yourself a deal. It kind of felt like a ending, so it just felt like a natural cut place. Well, then we, you know, we see where our relationship develops after that. Mark, Mark, if we just end the scenes really fast, we never have to do X again. You're right, you're right.

All right, your first letter is X. Or if you just forget again and again that it exists. The goal is to do the full loop. We'll do, we'll just do one more. We'll do one more based on Mark went first. Okay, so Bob, you'll go first on this one. Uh, the scene is, you are both two toys at the North Pole, planning a prison break to avoid being given to reckless kids that might destroy you. Sure.

I swear to you, the first letter is X, but I won't make you start with X. No, wait. Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, let's do it. If we're, if you're, if you're not going to cheat the wheel, don't cheat the wheel. I did not cheat the wheel. I've got, I've got this. I've got this.

We're starting with X. X-Miss is coming. Are you ready to execute the plan? Yes. You know it You got me on your side Zip-Zat-Zal That's good news to hear partner

We're gonna get out of here We're not gonna have any kids smashing us up this year All you gotta do is tell me who to kill first I'll kill him dead Barry I need you to kill Barry first I know he's not a guard or anything I just hate him and then we'll get going

Carr I'll mess with his brakes That's dastardly I mean Dastardly The first thing I said was dastardly. I heard dat, so, you know, everything's good, boss. You don't need to justify yourself to me. I'm your loyal soldier.

Fine, good. All right. Once Barry set up, then we cut the bars, we use the rope we made out of bed sheets, we climb down, we float on a block of ice to Manhattan. Boom, we're out of here, just like Will Ferrell. Guns! I'll use guns to kill Barry. Hey, I don't know if we need guns. I know I said Kill Barry, but I implied in there was kind of like make it seem like an accident, you know?

I got loads. I got loads of guns. I had the whole line rigged so they weren't making toy guns. Those are real guns. Just ditch the gun before we're on the ice block floating across the ocean. How about that? I don't want that in the same vehicle as me. But whatever, whatever you got to do.

Kill. Kill is what I got to do with the guns. And they've gone all over the world so we can get them anywhere. They're stashed in everyone's homes now. Look, I got it. You're going to kill Barry. with the, it's, I don't want to know. You shouldn't even be telling me this. Deniability, right? Do what you gotta do, and I'll see you at the bars.

Murder is murder. You're accomplished to it. I'm, you're my boss. You tell me who to murder. I murder them. No, hey, look, I'm more like a guy who had a lot of thoughtful suggestions, really. Like, this was a team effort. I wouldn't say that I'm in charge of anything. Oh, no, don't be. You so humble. You so humble, boss. Look, you're, you're leading the resistance of the toys. kids ever gonna wake up on Christmas again. Pretty sure I never said anything about that. Pretty sure we're leaving all those kids. Pretty sure we're staying as far away from the kids as possible.

We just don't want them touching us. That's fine. There's no other part to that. Quiet night. Quick. Nice. All is calm. All is dead.

Really appreciate how excited you are to jump into song. Really brightens the mood. and keeps everything, but can't stress enough. We're just escaping. We're just going away. Once Barry's dead, I think no more killing. I think that's the plan. Santa's already dead.

That was not disgust. That never came up. That's, you did that unprompted. Unprompted? Unprompted? Unprompted, yeah. Vikes. Man, I'm really just trying not to say very.

Well, let's just say Santa's suit is redder than usual. And then all the elves are next. Scene. Zinia, Ohio is our first target. Hey, I thought of an X word. No, no, I love Zio, I loved it. Never quite as aware of how rusty your improv skills are until you're thrusted scenes for the first time.

quite a while. All right. Let me go over some points here. Mark, you got points for being a window bro. I don't know. Jizz. Not all syphilis. Hold on, wait.

Let's not all by himself. That's my points. Fuck! Elf of the year. Crank with a K. I wrote there. Doesn't know alphabet. Claws with a C.

Ligolo. Sue. Zantham gum. All blank are bad, which you use. two or three times. I got that callback point coming. I know.

Finally remembered the letter Y. Violent night. Quiet night. Look at my ass. Toy prison break. And the accent man. For a total of 18 points. Bob, you got points for.

James' birthday. Late night pizza. Twinning with me. I'm not sure what we were twinning on, but you and I were twinning. Mm-hmm. Being a window bro with Mark.

you wanted points for Christmas you kept asking me so I gave you that point you made a syphilis pun but I can't read my handwriting syphilisner syphilisner's that's what it says syphil listeners Gus alchemy that can't be what that says but it looks like it says Gus alchemy deuce waitelow

male jigolo ho ho AI naughty list Markinus Mark A mark anus in all caps I don't know why but I think it was Markinus Frosty point Zina oh

Ohio, bottom ball, bottom ball. I don't know. And Vikes, for a total of 17 points. That's a lot of points. Wait, wouldn't Mark have? 18 points. Oh. But that's before the wheels and stuff. So right now it's 18 to 17 with the wheels to go.

Close game. I will not lie. Mark got a lot of points late to catch back up because Bob, you were kind of crushing it with Mark forgetting letters of the alphabet early. and then Mark just had some bangers there with his violent accented prison guard. I was actually a toy, but... He was going to kill the prison guard. All right.

How many, how many thingies are we going to get? Oh, it's three. Look at that. Wow, what a shock. I'm shuckin. Do we already have used accents the most on there? We probably do. I think we do.

We definitely have one that's like the best Scottish accent, specifically. Yeah, Scottish accent, I think we have. Maybe there's not an accents one? All right, most accents used. Because Mark just kept having different accents. And three spids, here we go. All right. Fuck those.

I've literally got it written down. Mark has a fuck point. I do have a fuck point. I do, indeed. I mean, I know I said it. I can't prove who said it. the most, but Mark has a fuck point. Mark does have, I feel like that's a pretty strong

argument. It's been number two. Will to live? Will to live? I don't remember. I don't know. I'm not, I'm not, I still have plenty of will to live. I'm not giving up on that. I don't know how we measure. Yeah, I, I got Will to live. Hold on. Bob did have to play Frosty, who was fighting for his life.

No, Mark was frosty. I was the manager. Oh, that's true. Okay, Mark was Frosty, had to fight for Frosty. But then he, we came to an accord and he was just going to do what I said, even though it was killing him. Ah, fuck. If anything, that demonstrates a lack of a will to live, but that was also a character. We'll just re-spin it. I don't, I don't have a solid answer for this one.

I don't think that reflects Mark's personal will to live. Yeah, I guess not. Loudest. I did my weird scream. He'd my, yeah. Yeah, Mark did scream. I didn't ever really scream. I laughed pretty loud, but like.

I have in all caps for Bob Ho Ho Ho and Markinus. I have fuck, Ligolo and Sue in all caps for Mark. Oh yeah, you did yell Sue at me to start that one. And the scream. I think that one would go to Mark. Well, that means I pretty much lose, I guess, but that's fine. There's always golf rules or tie.

Come on, Jared Goff rules. I'm so mad that they lost. I couldn't believe that. Add 10% chance to one-man show. Well, thankfully it doesn't affect me. We should write that down somewhere what the percent chance is that we currently have. Fuck, my drawer won't open. My scorebook is trapped in this drawer.

I actually can't get it out. Oh man, fuck. I just almost ripped the cover off my score thingy. Okay, uh, I'm going to document what the current percentage is, and then I'm just going to start writing on like the back cover of my little score sheet, what the thing is. So we have it. So we have to add a 10% chance.

Currently, the winner's wheel is, wow, that's big. It sure is. 90, which is 25%, right?

Because it's one quarter of the wheel. So currently... So we should be at 35%. It goes up 10%, not of the 360, but 10%. So it would go whatever 35% of 360 is.

Is that right? That makes it 126 degrees. Oh, so it's the... most likely thing to land on next time. There you go. That's what that looks like now. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

That looks very fair, you know. All right, well, um, our final score is 20 to 17 after the wheel spins. Uh, Mark, would you like to give us a winner speech? Mark, did you disconnect? Hello? He's frozen. He is frozen. Mark.

Hi. Oh, hey, there he is. Hey, man. Welcome back. It was my USB thing that has the Ethernet plugged into it, and I kicked it, and it... Oh, no, wait, Mark, he's got it! Oh, no! Oh, man, yeah, I hope he was like, I'm going to show him how I kicked it, and then he kicked it again.

I'm back. Hey, man. Hey, I wouldn't kick that thing a third time. I didn't kick it again. It just... Riverside caught up and was like, hey, you're not. You don't exist. Kick me out of the session. Well, welcome back, man. Congrats on winning. Do you have a winner's speech?

Oh, yeah, I won, yay! Great winner's speech! Bob, do you have a loser's speech? Oh no, I won. Bizzu... with an X. Cause the... Alright, yeah, whatever. That was a fun game, but man, fucking I need more. I need to know more words that start with X if we're gonna do that again. Jesus. There aren't any more.

more. I looked up. Hopefully all of you guys out there watching and or listening enjoyed. Stay tuned for the next one where Bob will compete with me as Mark hosts us and whatever comes. I suppose after the holidays. Have a good holiday season, everybody out there. If you haven't already, go follow Mark at Market, Markiplier, Bob at Mysker, me at Minion 777, Lord Minion 777.

Iron Lung is in theaters. If you haven't gotten tickets yet, you need to. It's spreading around. It's everywhere. It's up in Canada, I think, now. And theaters are selling out. So if you want to get tickets, get your tickets. Go to ironlung.com

The book. We might have merch for distractible too, but don't worry about that because I don't know the website for that one still after all these years. Yeah, I can't remember that website. See you all, I guess, after the new year begins. Until then, podcast out. Watch new episodes on Spotify.