Distractible - Good Advice?

Episode Date: March 13, 2023

Heads or tales, good or bad, riddles or rhymes?!? Find out on today's episode... Also, Wade has Covid.  P.S. Don't forget to look out for another new Distractible episode Friday! Episodes will release Mondays AND Fridays from now on! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Because when you're starved for moments that bring you back to who you really are and what you really love that's when it's gotta be kd when you gotta do you it's gotta be kd shop now good evening gentle listener and welcome to distractible now with glorious visuals this week shut in wade has the ick again, but hosts anyway, as he loves tail. Nudist Mark endorses anal tanning and burying porn for future generations. Lazy Bob whops out wisdom on self-acceptance and a choice between being a bird or a bee.

From cat-in-the-hat divadom to flashing at intruders. Yes, it's time for good advice. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Distractable. I'm today's host, Wade, and welcome to the show where I'm joined by two co-hosts.

I get to decide the topic for the day. I assign points as I see fit. Whoever gets the most points ends up winning, hosts the next episode, yada,ada but most importantly my co-host here mark and bob hey guys how's it going hello hello ah for the first time people can see us enjoy us imbibing drinks doesn't even look like i have any baby spit up on my shoulders so So, I feel pretty good today. I look like I have a terrible pandemic virus. You look about the same. Yeah, actually, you look about the same. Thanks, guys.

Are you worse today? Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Yeah, I'm always kind of sickly, and I always wear a robe to our recordings. Well, it has a hood. Yeah, well, it just looks like you're wearing a fleece hoodie which is not that weird of a thing to wear that's actually pretty cool oh that looks like a robe well we couldn't

see that part because you're sitting on it yeah and the people at home don't know what the norm is because there's only been like two other recordings that are video before this one one i think one the second one this that should be the second video one here well they know what to expect and they've got one video to base it on we established the first one tell me how you are david i'm gonna call um i'm good i'm in the throes of pre-production but many cool things that i absolutely cannot talk about are occurring and are occupying oh wait mark are you doing that right you know i hope you weren't mouthing it because the video might if people read your lips

i don't know what you were saying. What I said was, are you doing that thing with the thing where you're at the thing? Is that part secret? That might be. It might all be secret. Actually, I don't even know if it's W-1. Believe it all. Get that out of there, Will.

Hope we're not live streaming. We're not live streaming, right? We're not. No, we're not. Are we? I don't know. No, we're not. Are we? I don't know. I'm going to check. I just showed up because you guys promised me even more pay.

We're not. Don't worry. Who promised you? Yeah, you guys are giving me your salaries for like the next month, right? What? Why? Hey, you know what? One extra point to each of you for your financial generosity to me during this troubling time.

Hey, those boys are worth more than gold all right yeah worth it all right but other than that you know very busy very very good um oddly enough uh wade you getting covet has made me paranoid about it because if i get covet during this uh film production it's kind of going to ruin everything be paranoid it's terrible god when you do look up at the camera like that it does i i feel for you and you do start to look sickly so i'm sorry the best i felt in like three dude i feel a hundred percent compared to how i felt two days ago there was a point i was sitting on the couch i just like eyeballed molly and she was like can i get you anything and i was like oh she's like are you and she was like, can I get you anything? And I was like, Oh,

she's like, are you dying? I was like, I wish, man, but this is where I kind of, I'm starting to feel like you do have a severe nutritional deficiency because I feel like your immune system seems weak. You mean eating a pound and a half of wings a day for sustenance isn't, isn't a balanced diet.

I guess I can't talk about that. I'm still kind of doing that myself. Protein is good for you when you have this. I looked it up. So is sunlight. Yeah, but that's outside. Wait, wait. The eight important what? What eight important things are there? Daily nutritionals. You know, like

vitamin D. Protein. Vitamin other i'm monitoring my nutritionals closely before before i started this i was only getting two of eight that's one quarter there was only one section of nutritionals where i was like none of that looks edible so screw that but the other ones what are you talking about do you mean like food groups or something? Like what are you talking about exactly? You know, beans. Greens.

That's not what I was buying the other day, man. Stuff that grows underground. Green beans. Which is different. It was like important things to make sure your body gets when you're battling COVID. What did you get? A pamphlet when you got it what are you talking about i googled man i used my phone i looked it up you googled what nutrition covid nutritionals what is nutritionals that's a word i made up because i don't remember what i looked up you want to go through my search history

right now i don't know what i'm dead I don't think you remember what you looked up. I don't think you remember what you typed. COVID Nutritionals at Walmart is the autocomplete I get when I Google that. You know what? That point you both got, I'm taking it away. Apparently, there's a Walmart brand called Best Nutritionals LLC. That's not a made-up word, word way because there's a company of it in fact i'm winning right now with one point for my nutritional research great man that's um well good it's good

to know you're doing so well buddy i'll say about that always been better but you know keep up with that eight eight vitamin multivitamin you know know only eight basic groups shut up i have a minor fever right now it's it's low it was up to like 103 104 it's like it's like 99 or something right now it's not bad and this is definitely like bad cold right now but i will say at its worst this is top three worst things i've dealt with. Even being like vaxxed and boosted and everything. I can't imagine how bad it would be if I wasn't. How's it compared to your nut pain when we were on tour? That seemed like it was pretty rough for you.

The uvula was awful because it was like 16 straight hours of misery. I still don't understand what that was. It actually swelled up again slightly for this. Whenever I was at the urgent care and I got diagnosed with COVID, the doctor, she was like, yeah, your uvula looks slightly swollen. I was like, please prescribe me steroids. And she did. I looked at her like dead serious.

I was like, I can't go through it again. Quite a bold proclamation. At least two of your worst health incidents in your life have been in the last month dude i know two months however long both times both events occurred within like three days of my scheduled shoulder surgery they still haven't gotten to have i feel like this is divine intervention to stop me from getting this surgery or it's a combination of the same root cause well not that covid is but maybe nutritional through play traveling leaving my house both times i've left my house bad things have happened to me

i need to stay home i started getting like just making sure i was getting 15 minutes of sun which i haven't been doing since i've been over here and that's why my sleep's getting worse but my sleep gets better i feel better my mood is better just getting 15 minutes of sun direct sunlight getting out fully nude direct sunlight doesn't even have to be nude i mean i am but you don't have to be nude are you doing butthole up or no butthole down i feel like i put a reflective card underneath myself and i get it like the reflection i don't want direct on my butthole you got got one of those squatty... I can't think of a rhyme-y word.

Squatty... Squatty... Squatty sunnies. Like a nutritional. You're going, yeah. It's called... It's actually marketed as where it don't shine.

Ah. He landed it. You forget a word, it's okay. I forget a word, it's a whole stampede. I don't... I'm not sick so i'm i should get more excuses one i love pity i'm cool because i've got an immune system cool kid must be because i get all my nutritionals i got tons of exercise i was eating a variety of

foods and healthy foods uh and we were down in orlando walking around like some of the different disney parks and that's when i got the uvula thing was after all that i got lots of steps lots of sunlight all of that and then i was also getting sunlight and out and about whenever i got back end up with covid i think it's just a bad time of year to be out and about yeah yeah i mean if you're in a crowd of thousands of people that'll do it but also i year to be out and about. Yeah, yeah. I mean, if you're in a crowd of thousands of people, that'll do it. But also, I want to point out one or two days of doing such healthy things won't have a long-term effect. How about four?

I've seen the sun once. I waved right up at him, and I was like, I'm going inside. Do you get outside? I have the last couple months till this week you're drunk what happened to you i'm in i'm here for you and you my friends i love you buddy whatever it's time to get to get to the show you all are here because i'm the best host the pressure has never been higher but even at my worst i've come up with the best we've got a great show in store for you like the last episode you hosted i don't remember it so maybe

it was good what was it the one we almost called wade's worst piece of shit episode ever you don't remember nope i'm blocking it out don't want to remember well it was it was great it's perfect you nailed everybody gets a new new again mulligan mulligan new again what the hell's the new new again boys kick it in new again mine this today we're going to talk about as we've done before when I've hosted, we've got several different lighthearted discussions to be had, and I'll be assigning points based on the flip of a coin. All right, so what holiday is coming up? Clearly there's a secret word that we need to discover and say repeatedly. Oh, no.

As aggressively as possible, Mark. Everybody loves that. Yeah, absolutely. absolutely well at the end of this episode i'm going to tell you i've actually already pre-flipped the coins for all my topics at the end of the episode i'm going to tell you what the coin flips were so that way at the head of each one you can tell people whatever you can show them however you want to do it just so you guys know uh a heads on the coin flip means that if you give me bad advice on these topics, you get a point. A tails means that if you give me good advice, you get a point.

So I'm going to give you guys a topic. Why wouldn't tails be bad advice? I don't know. Based on a coin flip. Maybe bad advice is a success because it's funny. You know the saying, heads never sheds. Tails always fails. So I feel like. He heads is bad advice tails is good

advice i'm the host of you host you can make it the other way all right i wouldn't do that if i were you well i don't care i don't feel good i'm doing it my way damn it you should get your eight nutritionals is that good how many out of eight have you had today so far well you really got to determine like you got to take in what we say and then define it as good or bad because it might be i don't know maybe it's your criteria what's good or bad advice and then flip the coin on our topics i have a feeling that they're gonna go one of a couple ways and you guys can give the same type of advice you know different bad advices you can give both good advice you can flip flop whatever you want to do i don't care but whoever has the most points at the end wins our first topic we're gonna start off something relatively easy something relatively chill something people curious about how do you deal with motivation and procrastination

who goes first yeah how do we decide who goes first because coin flip sure coin flip i'll do you deal with motivation and procrastination? Who goes first? Yeah, how do we decide who goes first? Coin flip? Sure, coin flip. I'll flip a coin for this. Okay. Who's calling it? Call it in the air and we're the opposite of the thing that lands of what we call. Okay? Alright, I don't have a coin.

I'm just using Google coin flip, but here let's go. Learn by watching. Tails tail it's in the air slow it's tails so it's not tails it's heads take that bob yeah bob you get to go first so i have to i get to go first does that dictate what kind of advice i can give or am i you give whatever you want so the question posed is how do you tackle procrastination and motivational issues yep and it's already predetermined whether you get a point for good or bad advice so you just get to guess and then i'll tell you both at the end who gets the point or both of you or none of you i don't even really have to think about this one because i already have an excellent system for dealing with this uh and i i have a name for my system as well uh it's called eh fuck it and uh the key really is you have to embrace the reality of who you are

as a person it's not that funny way to call me oh he's coughing okay too bad our fancy recording setups don't have some kind of cough mute button you host i couldn't tell if you were a pass out or yell at me but anyway and the air fuck it system is um you have to embrace the reality and the truth of who you are i am a lazy person i've spent my entire life trying all the systems that everyone online and in books has to recommend to to get rid of procrastination and and become more organized writing physical lists writing lists on walls or on the refrigerator where you can see it uh scheduling things breaking it down down to the minute scheduling every moment of every day and then trying to follow that every version of any

productivity thing stacks of index cards project management systems where you're you're you know you have post-it notes and you're organizing them by like, gotta do now, can do some point, can do later, all of that shit. You know what the problem is? The exact same reason that I'm always doing stuff at the last possible moment, that I'm always procrastinating as long as physically possible, and that I always feel like I'm disorganized and behind on everything in life is the same reason i can't follow those dumb fucking systems i spend two days making a whole thing like i'll design this template and i'll have this list and if i don't open the list and look at it it doesn't matter what the fuck i wrote on it does it so the way to live with your life if you're a procrastinator if you have trouble with keeping organized and staying motivated, is to embrace who you are. To embrace that you will always be that person who at the last minute is like, oh, that's

due today. And then you scramble to get that shit done. You scramble to hide away your mess because you forgot you were having someone coming over today and you're a slob. You scramble last second to do the laundry that you needed because you forgot you had to wear a suit for this event you're going to, whatever. Whatever it is, embrace that. Life's going to be chaotic. Sorry, kids. Sometimes you're going to mess up. Sometimes you're going to have to wear dirty clothes. It happens. That's who you are. That's

who I am. I've come to peace with it. People might judge me, but you know, I feel pretty good about the fact that I don't put a lot of pressure on myself to change that part of me i just embraced it and i love it i am who i am and that means that sometimes you have to pay late fees if you forget to pay a bill thank god for online auto scheduling bill payments jesus christ i have been there that that's that's my advice you are you you is who you am and if you're a procrastinator that shit ain't going away i'm sorry friend this is where it's like the criteria is like it could be good advice and bad advice i depending on but i mean it really depends what outcome you want if you want to feel better about your life i think i gave great advice if you want to not do that anymore i don't think my advice is very helpful i think that qualifies as good advice

because you're telling people you know not everybody's going to get away from it i think there's different you can tell differing good advice right you can give people good advice that's different bad advice i feel like would be telling people the opposite of like like if you're a procrastinator it works for you then it works for you that's not necessarily bad advice that's kind of the thing it doesn't really work sometimes you really can fuck but you know what are you gonna do i i struggle with motivation all the time um i get a lot done but you know i still like just same as everyone else have adhd well not everyone is whatever you know what i mean i put my million youtube plaque on the wall one leg at a time like everyone else.

Me too. Me too. I do that too, just like everybody. You'd hang it up better if it's got to fall down every night. So I found that the one piece of the most practical change that I've done that people at home could do literally tomorrow is that I'm a big believer in the first thing you do in the morning will set the tone for the every like the entirety of your day. If you start off your day by picking up your phone and looking at it, that will set the tone for the rest of your day. I've always noticed how when I wake up in the morning, there's this kind of clarity of mind, even like the like, if you close your eyes and like the colors of your neurons firing, washing over eyes it's different like the patterns are different

um so by setting your tone with intention like i talked about in my perfect day that went slightly poopy and slightly awry and that was a perfect day i feel like i had a great plan for the perfect day and we got all sidetracked by the boats but yeah right the boats made the i'm the host and i say the the dates made the boats and the boats made the dates but either way like starting off and actually like um this is not for everybody because it's like whatever if you want to do it but i i do find that if not meditation sitting and thinking about the intention that you want to do you don't have to do it but thinking about it is important in terms of putting yourself in the perspective of okay i want to do. You don't have to do it, but thinking about it is important in terms of putting yourself in the perspective of, okay, I want to do this thing. And your brain will

naturally like puzzle solve and be like, how do I do this thing? And you'll go, oh yeah, I remember I did think through this because a lot of the motivational struggles is forgetting about, um, why you wanted to do something in the first place. So I think that like avoiding the same kind of routines and loops that, uh, get you trapped. I'm not saying never look at your phone. That's unrealistic. But at least first thing in the morning, it's like trying to beat a little mini addiction. You're not pushing away forever, but you're trying to make at least like 15 minutes in the morning peaceful and sacred so that you can actually remember what you needed to do

that day. And if that day is a rest day, then you just need to remind yourself of that. I find it very relaxing. I don't do it every day either because it's kind of hard to establish that pattern of things to do, but it does help a lot with motivation because it allows you time to remember why I, this, I actually really liked that advice and I'm already in my mind. I'm like, Oh, I should try that. I'm sure it'll work on like every other thing I've ever tried. Um, but I'm curious is, oh no, I have a sneeze. Oh God, I have a sneeze coming.

Oh, maybe you should get some fucking sunlight trying to vegetable, bitch. Oh, it burns. Hey, I get sunlight because I have to walk outside to get to my office. No, what you're saying makes me wonder, though, how, because it seems like when you wake up, you're like, oh, ooh, I'm awake.

When I wake up in the morning, my alarm goes off i snooze it like five times or whatever and when i actually wake up i wake up and i'm like oh okay it's i have five minutes where i have to be at the recording with the guys i should move i should move and like the first hour of my conscious like awakeness i don't even remember i wake up like i was in a medically induced coma and i don't remember what happened for the last month of my life is that not common do i sleep wrong i don't get that but then again i have spent a long time setting a very specific wake-up time uh i wake up at like 6 a.m no matter what time zone i'm in um it takes me a few days to adjust obviously if i'm traveling but i've been doing that for almost like seven years

now so i get up my body is like used to that and it took a lot of discipline to be like no matter where i am no matter what i'm doing i'm waking up at six so i got used to that but even before that i don't think i ever i don't think it was like that i'm i mean maybe i'm just a really unhealthy person sure whatever i mean i imagine the baby also but is that even before the baby so yeah so the baby thing uh mandy the way we're doing it right now i i stay up late mostly and then mandy sort of gets up in the middle of the night early, but really she gets up like three or four. Usually we sort of swap off. So I do get to sleep into the morning. So I don't get as much sleep as I used to, but I still like wake up in the morning, not because the baby's screaming and I have to,

but because it's like, I just get to wake up when I'm, I still do that. This morning I had an alarm set for 10. I remember waking up at like 10, 15 or 10, 20, having no memory of having snoozed my alarm two or three times, waking up to my alarm, looking at me and like, how is it 10, 20? I set you for 10. And then sitting in bed, like sitting on the edge of the bed for a minute, literally just being like, oh, Sunday. Is it Sunday today?

And looking at my phone and be like, what day is it? When is it? What's happening? I like I was barely even alive for a while this morning. I'm OK now. I've been awake for a couple hours. But like, that's how it is every time I wake up. Almost.

It feels like I don't know what's happening. I don't know what day of the week it is i i got beat up last night and that's and then i just passed out and now i'm like awake and i'm like i'm sorry bob if i just take vegetables i'm sure you'd be better this is my fault i get all eight of my nutritionals i know this is my fault look i i do think that like there are certain supplements that you could take that help us sleep i found magnesium is actually an under-nutritional. We're not here to help with Bob's sleep. You guys get zero points. I appreciate that.

But you haven't even flipped your coin. Yeah, wait. I did. I flipped it ahead of time. They're all pre-flipped. So did we both give good advice? Is that what you're qualifying as? We both gave good advice, and it was a heads.

So I wanted bad advice for that one. Well, I don't think Bob's was good advice. Why? It's good advice for quality of't think bob's was good advice it's good advice for quality of life it's not good advice necessarily it was good advice to me but look i live that life i'm a procrastinator and i perform better as one i've told this story i think before here i've definitely told it before on stream in high school i remember in ap english i put like three or four weeks of effort into like the first English paper I wrote. And I was very proud of it. I got a C minus on it. And I was like,

I'm an A student. If I'm going to put this much effort in and get this, ain't worth it. Fuck it. I'm going back to last minute. Whatever I get, I get. Every other paper the rest of the year, A. Doing it the day before, zero revision, like I didn't look it over. Done. Spell check. Done. Turn it in. A. I work better on crunch time. I don't know.

So it worked for me. And that was like the last time I ever tried doing things ahead of time. I was like, everything else, fuck it. Last minute. Why? Because that one time I proved to myself I work better last minute. I love that story so much more if you don't learn the wrong lesson by succeeding with minimal effort and maximum procrastination, I just love the idea that you,

you worked for three weeks on a paper and you turn it in. And then the teacher's like, see, see minus. And you're like, I'm an A student. And then the next time you do the, you do the procrastination thing,

you turn it in. The teacher's like, see minus. And you're like, I am an A student. Everyone else here must be a fucking genius because that was an a paper i just wasn't gonna put that much effort into like to me a c was failing so like to put that much effort to get a c it was like i do get what you're saying but there are things in the human experience beyond essays

and school in general. I'm here as one of the three hosts of Distractible with my horrible life choices, so I think I've done okay. But I'm just saying, for those out there that like, okay, you have a, the problem is when you run into tasks that don't take a day to do, that's where it all breaks down i have a strategy for that it's a two-word strategy it's called uh-oh see if i show up to set and i'm going with the uh-oh method uh there's going to be a lot more

chaining uh-ohs down the road because no one knows what's going on you it doesn't work for literally everything right like if you're trying to memorize vocab words you can't literally memorize like those you have to kind of do a little bit longer over time thinking back to school there were things you had to like pace out a little bit but there were definitely things where it's like okay i'm gonna write this paper i'm gonna get someone else to read it i'm gonna read it go over it see what changes make sure i didn't screw up or say something wrong like that always made my work worse whenever i went over it a second time i don't know why every paper i ever wrote if i went over it again and i made changes they were always worse thinking wade much worse than not thinking quaid your

subconscious is a much superior way than the one we're seeing right now. It gets all the nutritionals. None are saved for the conscious me. All right. Well, fair enough. No points. I get it. Well, the coin decided. You both could have been rich in points, but the coin is against you.

You decided. You could have said my advice was bad because you love boats. And you're like, screw starting off the morning with all that bullshit. Oh, don't worry. I took away points from you guys already. Mark's advice is stupid because I would just wake up every day and. Oh, don't worry. I took away points from you guys already. Mark's advice is stupid, because I would just wake up every day and be like, mmm, boats.

Boats. And that would lead me down a bad path. Dude, I want to be on a boat so bad. Anyway. See? My advice isn't good. I see how it is. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection free of aluminum parabens dyes talc and baking soda it's made with ph balancing

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i was trying to think of bad advice you can give bad advice but don't give no i don't want terrible advice give bad advice, but don't give terrible advice. Give good advice, Mark. What's your good sex advice? Don't tell him. Don't tell him. What? No, I'll go back to what my dad's method was, which was...

Well, actually, no. The worst way to learn about sex is to find a strange vhs in the backyard as i've talked about on this podcast before and then try to through numerous methods to uh look at the tape to look at the tape by shining a flashlight through it yeah that's that's probably the worst way because then it like the natural progression was i discovered porn way too early uh so that's i can't wait if i'm qualifying it then i'm not submitting as bad advice uh my advice is bury as many vhs tapes of random pornography everywhere as far and wide as possible so that everyone can discover it in due time when they are destined to find it.

When a young lad starts to feel the horny, he knows he needs to dig. Give him his treasure map. He gets the instinct. He just starts looking for X's on the ground and he'll find it. If you leave enough tapes around, he'll find it. You give him a condom, some lube, a pickaxe, and a treasure map, and you send him on around he'll find it you give him a condom some lube a pickaxe and a treasure map and you send him on his way to find his vhs tape it's out there does that teach you everything you need to know you watch the tape once and you're like

where are the women yeah because i mean this is the equivalent but just just like i don't know what the good advice is because my dad actually gave me a book that was like, you know, flip open, like what's sex about? I think I talked about this before. And like that just had so many more questions to it. Then when he gave me that, I already knew what pornography was like for years prior to that. And I had so many questions from that.

And then this book did answer none of them. And so it was just like, I was just swirling with confusion like so uh yeah those are my bad advice submissions or good depending on what the coin flip is oh trying to play both sides I'll take all your points uh well I'm a little disappointed because I thought you were gonna give good advice and so I spent the whole time imagining out my bad advice but maybe this is good advice you could get bad i if it was just some person some random person i'm working at udf and some random person walks in and recognizes that i am the sexual genius because i'm obviously working the counter at udf as you experienced wade my advice would be to answer that sort of question

metaphorically and or in the form of a riddle or a rhyme because then the person can get whatever they need from it. If they really, first of all, if that happened to me, I would probably be like, I'm not going to engage, pass'm going to pass on this conversation. But if they really push the issue, I would do something. I would go into something like,

alright, you want to know the truth? You want me to teach you? You have to ask yourself one question. Okay. Do you want to be a bird or a bee? Birds are lightweight, big wings, wide, glidey. They swoop around,

they come, they go, they keep a nest. It's nice, it's warm, it's comfortable, it's inviting. Or do you want to be a bee? You dart around, back and forth, all over the place. You dance to communicate. You've got a stinger down there, but you die if you use it

you live in a hive with hundreds thousands of other bees you all just crawl all over each other all the time bees constantly going out finding a new flower dipping in the booty you're bringing that juice home to the hive sharing it with the other bees do you want to be a bird or a bee that's my and that's as specific as i would get and they'd be like what is this is the stinger a penis they're like it's a stinger you're a bee answer me and then you know either you scare them away or they would find whatever truth they needed to find inside of that and you wouldn't have to explain anything real about sex stuff to them because i don't want to have anything real about sex stuff to them.

Because I don't want to have that conversation with basically anyone who exists. Let alone a stranger, theoretically. Yeah, it sucks. I love when you said real or right. Because I imagine just like you call someone up from the back of the UDF. And it's like, so you want to know about sex? Well, one of us speaks in riddles and one of us speaks in rhymes. I knew it was coming. Ask me your question.

We'll give you our time. Answer our riddles three and we will answer your question one. Is your penis too slight? Is it covered in blight? Did you put on a condom? Because you're going to want them.

Yeah, I know. R rhymes rhymes and riddles would probably also suffice to either end the conversation quickly or completely scare the person off from ever entering that place again i like the idea of like they're like you're like well i'll answer your question but you have to answer a riddle they're like okay and you take like a mop you like flip it over and like put the mop over your head to become like your hair and you hunch over and you start like doing a little dance as you tell the riddle and then they still play along oh i thought the question was gonna be do you attracted me you put the mop over your head do you want to fucking me not like that not like that no okay i don't know i don't think that i think that's bad advice

wait do you do that in the mirror at home do you put a mop over your hair just like do you want to fuck me oh yeah i'm like buffalo bill but instead of wearing people's skin i just didn't wear wigs i'm like i'd fuck me no no hop around squat down i'd fuck me i figure what the song is that plays it sounds the lemme I play that music as I hop around and they fuck me So I shouldn't do Alright Well good work boys. You both gave shit advice and I flipped another head. So you both get a point Congrats. Yes Now we're all three tied at one congratulations you made it to the big time all three of us what why do you have one i gave myself a point a long time ago i don't remember why at this point

but read the subreddit they'll tell us i took a point away from you all and i gave one to me because you all said something it's probably the nutritionals well you said nutritionals yeah it's a good word that's your thing i like it more you know, word of the day, nutritionals. If it doesn't exist, it does now. Will do video effects now? Well, that's my problem. Confetti, party lights, disco ball. Come on, Will.

If he feels pressured to, that's on him. Because he can equally just make me look like an asshole and put nothing. Like, look. It either says asshole with sparklers and fireworks going off off or nothing happened and i look like an anyway either way i win it's a win-win for me it is but can will resist the power of editing i'd say yes he can next advice next advice good or bad is up to thee so now tell me

stealing candy from a baby how to yeah whether you should or on how to do it approach it however you would like to babies are really susceptible to punches um i feel like

their grip strength is real low uh i feel like you know honestly pushing the carriage over you see this is good advice because this all works you can't say it's very effective it would be very effective it's very effective there's numerous strategies you know you um you could trick it like indiana jones style you could replace it with something and it would never know why does that baby have candy anyway uh shouldn't give sugar that early or that quantity a baby shouldn't have candy you're doing the right thing by taking away this is now still good advice um diseases i'm sorry what diseases you're gonna give the baby diseases i never said that i just said the word what's the implication there is no implication maybe well you heard it here first we're gonna have to check with legal on this one do we need to disclaim that no you should not give babies diseases i never said that i never

said i'm not saying that you said that i'm just saying as a general statement distractible the podcast and also us people do not condone or encourage giving diseases no children i'm not saying that i'm saying that a sickly child is easier to take candy from so pick on the weak ones like you get so go to the hospital and there's lots of yes yeah the the the premature babies that have candy you could take it right from them or right outside like the doctor's office or dentist office you know like when they go in they like they're good and they come out and they get like their little candy on the way out they've already been through a lot that day so yeah they're probably easier to take right from the source plus they're

so upset they start screaming crying right away parents completely distracted exactly easy uh bob your advice uh well i would say that most people probably approach this this tough problem this tough situation tough heist if you will uh from the wrong perspective uh defeating the baby is not to throw a pun out there but it's you know child's really. Babies are defenseless. Like Mark was saying, they can't do anything. They don't know. But the real problem is they have a guardian with them. That's the issue.

If you can just run right up to a baby and get right past the guardian and have access, then Mark's strategies all work pretty well, I guess. guardian and have access then mark strategies all work pretty well i guess but the real thing is you need to defeat the adult who is legally responsible and in charge of the baby could be a parent could be a nanny or a daycare person whatever i will say if you're looking a good understaffed daycare like 20 to 30 kids per you know teacher staff member whatever that's just a really ripe room if you can if you can impersonate a staff at the building or whatever if you just create a situation where you distract the adult and they have to leave the room and maybe even they look at you on the way out and they're like just watch the kids they're doing finger painting for a minute i'll be right back

you know like you come in and you're like uh the white hyundai sonata in the parking lot appears to be on fire uh all all teachers and daycare staff members drive hyundai sonatas just so you know easy hot tip there uh they'll they'll go running out of the room and you'll have access if you do this during snack time, boom. Anything your heart desires. Plus you can probably get access to the bowl or whatever from which they came. It's just a really, it's a way more easy, professional, you know, manageable way to go about this. You don't want to be the baby candy pickpocket.

You want to be the baby candy mastermind. And so it's just, it's about picking the target. And then it's about understanding how to effectively distract and or disable. I'm not condoning any violence, but you know what I'm saying? The human, the adult human who's in charge of those babies, uh, so that you have full access. And once the human is disabled, Narco's right. You can do whatever you want. Babies are defenseless. I have one. I know firsthand how they don't pay attention. Can't hold on to stuff.

Can't hold his head up yet. No problem. So that's the real key right there. Focus on the adults first. Well, I was willing to give bonus points to anybody who said, don't do it because this, in case it was tails, so good advice. And the best advice would be don't take candy from a baby. However, you both have described methods to successfully take candy from a baby, so I have to give you both a point.

Theoretically, just to advocate for myself a little bit, I said that you should not take candy from a baby, because that's a waste of time. That's a technicality. My advice was that you should take candy from as many babies at a time as possible. You know what? Taking candy from a baby is a complete waste and not a good way to use your resources. That's fair, but it's out of my hand so

we'll leave it up to a coin flip bob i feel like it's exclusively in your hands let's see what's how do i win do i call it heads it's tails i don't even believe you but that's fine opposites were the thing earlier so you get a point so wait no we didn't call the opsies you called zopsies earlier i called opsies in my head oh i like how bob doesn't trust me at all until it plays out in his favor that he just goes with it i just don't ever trust you it's rigged unless i win obviously that's how you win stuff of course all right who's winning there's your tails well. What in the hell? Oh, you took a picture. I was like, what the hell kind of sideways website? I took a picture.

I just had to zoom in to hide my snot rags. Look, I know we have this discussion about your technological prowess pretty frequently on the show, but you know you can share your screen to this. We're recording this on video now. I appreciate your offer. It's available on spotify so you should check that out but uh you could share your screen and literally show us when you flip a coin or whatever what have you well hey you know what maybe we'll do that moving

forward we we can think of some cool ideas with it but for now we're living in my archaic ways all right fair enough it's it's technological enough that you don't actually have a coin to flip but not high tech enough that you could do actually have a coin to flip, but not high-tech enough that you could do anything other than flip the non-existent coin and then tell us the answer. I love that. I love that for us. Alright.

Next topic here. We have two more. This one, I'm excited for. Good or bad advice is up to you, but the point is up to the gods. That or gravity and physics. Because of coin flip. It's not a real coin.

No, it depends on the definition of... Listen, we're not going to get into the philosophy of real versus not real right now. I don't have the time for that. It's not philosophical. It's not real. What do you think? Google has a warehouse somewhere with millions of quarters

waiting to be flipped? Does it have to be physical to be real? Look, we're not getting into this. We don't have time. Just tell me. Even if you boil it down to its data, the electrical impulses aren't a coin either. I'm going to boil you down to your data.

Now, give me good or bad advice. Here's my sick- ass roof over here that's a classic way burn uh-huh your mom will be all like what happened when i'm done with you now here we go good or bad advice on defeating the monster under your bed defeating the monster under your bed it's there i went first last time you went first two times in a row i was gonna go first last time but that's fine i'll i'll go this time i'm ready i've got good advice for this uh well you know what i can say this because i am one now you know who defeats the monster under your bed? Wait a minute, I just thought all the way through what I was about to say. I have to say it now, but it feels bad.

Your dad does. You know, when you're a young person and you think there's a monster under your bed and then you just yell for your daddy and dad comes and looks and then he's a monster because it's not there and he knows that i guess he's your dad you guys know how that is right well that explains why we still have one i guess a monster that is not dad ah all right i'll give you some advice you could relate to you're gonna want to do well i mean so alternatively to that if there's some issue with having

one of those things i'll tell you about or whatever uh you just cut the legs off your bed and if that stupid fucker wants to spawn in under your bed trapped no and no excess to the outside world i actually had a bed like that when i was a kid it had drawers under it and so there was no you couldn't get under it it sat on the floor it was like a dresser with like a mattress platform on top of it i probably had a monster under my bed that dumb piece of shit was trapped under there for his entire existence take that loser god that's not my idea but it's just like that just makes me think of if you know where you set a box with a piece of candy on it and a stick and a string you set a bed up like at an incline dangle a fake hand over and have a stick there so when it grabs it, it pulls the stick

and it goes, like, crushes the monster. Dead. That's my advice. Final answer. That's what I said to you. Or is that stealing your... No, I like that. That's much more specific. You don't just have to have the bet. It's a whole thing. It's a real active... It's an active strategy,

you know? You're the hunter not just the the pacifist yeah exactly it's a yeah um okay that'll be my official one i don't know you wait you decide what it is but i will also say i've always had this thing where um if i ever because i think everyone does it you know you're like oh is there someone in the shadows is there something there is there a monster i've always every time that i've done that and i've been like oh maybe something there i take my covers off and then take my pants off and i'm like i'm naked right and it's like now it's weird now it's weird if you're there

it makes me feel so much better i i don't even sometimes have to take my pants off because i'm just like i got naked it'd be weird every you actually do have shadow monsters that every time you just get naked immediately and the thing in the shadows is like oh fuck why did he just get naked what this is so creepy now people are gonna think things about me that aren't true okay i'm just doing my job how am i supposed to lurk in the shadows when i saw him take his underwear off i imagine you have this pre-established competition where like you know the monster's there and it knows you're there and it's like coming for you and it's

finally like winning and you drop your pants it's like dude you know that's not cool i was winning come on i had you this time and you know it i think it's like an evolution of imagine everyone within their underwear like if you're being chased by jason do you think it would work or freddy or something you're like oh wait now jason maybe freddie no because he just turned his head into your penis and like come up and like look at you or something right because he doesn't of course yeah that's good yeah i don't know it's actually not a joke but like michael myers he would just do like the you know the head tilt you dropped your pants and michael myers wouldn't chase anymore he would just do the head tilt you dropped your pants and michael myers wouldn't chase anymore he would just do the head tilt you don't know halloween michael myers not like austin powers michael

myers he might also do that cat in the hat michael myers got it not like austin powers cat in the hat though wayne's world you know that movie is the reason he was not in hollywood for a while apparently he was such a terror to work with on the set of cat in the hat that that was the last feature film that he was booked for for a substantial amount of time apparently he's a real diva and there were some issues this is all this is all complete gossip so yeah allegedly this is from you know like tabloid shit but apparently that's why cat in the hat was like one of the last things he ever did for quite a long time uh until he was in the queen movie as the angry scottish man or was he scottish irish i don't allegedly that's interesting it was scottish allegedly it's hilarious um you both get a point because i guess those are both good

advices mark you technically gave two so i guess i'll do a quick look to see if you get a bonus one i like the trap with the hand underneath that made me laugh no yeah that's fantastic because an under the bed monster would absolutely fall for a trap like that yeah yeah it's the right tone yeah it is weird that we got heads heads tails tails that's how the coins flip so what does that mean what does it mean this is the way the coin gets flipped thus far no it has no impact on the next coin flip but now i'm gonna flip to see if mark tied it up with his two answers because they were both pretty funny get naked i was not expecting wait i gave two advices because you are biased against my first advice doesn't mean it's bad advice i gave you bonus point last round i'm giving mark a chance this round it's fine i i don't think i don't think the getting naked one

actually is good advice but all right i'll take it you don't anyway because the coin flipped against you so or what you have to call it don't you you didn't call it did you damn it tails oh well hey i did get tails no you have to flip it again though i gotta flip it again? Okay. Well, it's in the air. What? No! It wasn't in the air. It's in the air. Tails! It's tails. No, that's not a real coin. Real coins are 50-50. It's one thing It is, but the opposite

gets points, so he still doesn't get a point. Remember, it's the opposite of what you call. That's true. That's what you did for me. Fair's fair. Fair's fair, Mark.

Sorry, the coin flipped. If it makes you feel any better it was tails the first time too so you would have lost both times oh so i didn't even screw you over you just you just thought you weren't gonna be screwed over to be fair if we weren't doing opsies you had it i i get that yeah i get that i get it make it very clear your rule has screwed you can we wait are we are we still gonna go opposite seas because i feel like if we switch opposite seas now it'll still go against me somehow but i feel if we stay opposite seas it'll still go against me what you're saying is it's opsies and you want

to switch which means you want to keep it opsies opsies like nutritionals are going throughout this episode we can't go back now all right our last topic good or bad advice the ball is in your courts on how to escape from a bank you just robbed the robin is done alarms are going off sirens outside first can i just say it seems like we did a bad job robbing this bank yeah you shouldn't rob the bank that's probably the best advice don't rob a bank a good a good heist would have no alarms at the end it didn't go well okay it didn't go well okay are the cops like outside the door right now or is it like they're on the way you don't know you've covered up the window so they can't see it but that also means you can't see out

i would never run a heist where i had no info on the exterior of the bank bad heist man is this person even worthy of our advice at this point this is a bumbling i think this is some mediocre wannabe gangster yeah whatever advice you want i i think the advice is get a good lawyer because you're fucked like there's no way out of that spend your last few minutes in the bank just calling up like, Hi, Fishbuck, Micekins, and Barnes. Could I get a good attorney from you? Ha ha! Just keep trying until you find somebody? Okay.

I think we should remove Barnes as a partner from this firm because he doesn't give any advice at all in this. So I feel like we're doing most of the work here. That's what happens when you're the host, yeah. Maybe you should try winning. Then you would know what it's like to not have to do the work i think the advice is to vote to uh remove the third and useless board member from the the partnership and keep it a 50 50 split that's my advice wait are we at the law firm now instead of the bank? You made us at the law firm. Are we voting right now? That's the best advice we could give.

We? Collectively? I'm making a lot of assumptions here. Your Honor, I'd like to approach the bench. Your Honor, we don't know for a fact whether he's the one who speaks in riddles or speaks in rhymes. Point of information. Your Honor, have you ever heard of the ship of theseus? fact whether he's the one who speaks in riddles or speaks in rhymes point of information you already ever heard of the ship of theses because this law firm might have been built with the three

of us but we've replaced over time is it still the same law firm all right bank robbery gone wrong actual advice we're bad it's up to you you don't have to give good advice we're bad blowing up use the extra c4 you brought way too much c4 because you planned improperly you covered up all the windows they'll never see you sticking c4 on every surface and then when they're just about to go boom was that bad advice probably because you're not getting out with the money, so I'd say so. So what do you do? You just ride the explosion up into the air and then land on your feet and walk through the castle?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put on your explosion-proof boots and get ready. Like, dude, like in Minecraft, put a bunch of TNT underneath you and then you go straight up. And then splat into the ceiling and die anyway. Well, dig a hole first, duh, through the roof. No, you put a TNT up there first because you're a few blocks away from it, so it'll blow up first and then you push.

You're on the phone with the negotiators. You just die like, yeah, I know, we did an airplane at the airport with parachutes inside. The roof blows off the negotiator's like um what was that nothing nothing this is how steve has a cold i could see that i could see that working okay that's my advice blow it up um yeah so my advice would be uh i would i'm this is gonna reach back far okay so this is this is more in the preparation stage this is advice for next time hey reach back reach around do what you gotta do uh i would say when you're sitting there dreaming up the heist what you're gonna want to do is think more carefully about your target

banks tend to have less security a lot of you know a lot of a lot of stuff vault bars guards you know what's a much softer target and a way more profitable heist in general stealing all of the candy from all of the kids who are on the playground with their nannies in a rich neighborhood rich neighborhood is good at detail because it means they have big you know they don't have fun size bars they get full size candy bars right they get big candy they get whatever they get the fancy stuff no no dumb dumb suckers over here only real ones only tootsie pops okay and uh you forego the bank completely set up your candy kid candy heist way easier to get away with you basically walk away from the scene scot-free because you will have so effectively distracted all of the adults that no one will even know what

happened it'll be like one of those things where they come back and they're like, where's all the candy? Must have been aliens! And that's it. Escape, successful. No peril. No need for all the C4 explosions and all that. Much better plan

in general. Kids are stupid and you could definitely get all the candy from them so easily. So police are about to breach the bank and arrest you and you take someone by the stupid and you could definitely get all the candy from them so easily so police are about to breach the bank and arrest you and you take someone by the shoulders and you give them this advice that's like a hostage and then you go willingly knowing you've passed on better knowledge to the next heist yeah that one hostage who was like too attached to you who was like willing to jump in and help where like you know someone else is like plotting against you is like we're gonna get out of here and then they won't have us hostages it's leverage we're gonna screw this and the one hostage

was just like he's trying to escape he's trying to plot an escape this guy right here this is the bank manager you hadn't figured that out yet he uh he took his suit off so he doesn't look as official this is the bank manager i heard him talking and this guy uh you should make an example of him probably and uh you guys got an extra seat in your van or whatever i don't know how you're getting away from this but uh the overenthusiastic hostage yeah well there's always you know there's always that if you need to shoot somebody i mean my legs of work i mean you can shoot one of mine they want to join in they're they're finding targets for the heisters they're not falling they're like i'm on your side man

man let's take it to the man. I don't know. That advice you gave sounds like Guru Harold was in there with them. I was like, what you should have done was steal from kids.

Rich kids. In the neighborhood. No dum-dums. You know, it was like, listen, it seems like this heist is poorly planned.

Oh, you didn't do this right. Not enough TNT. I'm actually a guru. I've got great insight for you. I was here to deposit my many checks. Many checks for my advice. For all my guruing.

It's called guruing. Uh-huh, yes. I'm sad to say for our bank robbers, I don't think any of them are getting out with your guys' advice. It was Maybe good advice and high and well pre-site But none of them are getting out with the money pre-site

20 but they didn't listen but thankfully the coin flipped heads So your bad advice both work out for you. Thank you. Now, our score currently sits Bob with five points, Mark with four points. I still have one because whatever I did earlier. Can I have your one point? Can I? No, I deserve it. Well, perhaps we'll leave it up to the flip of a coin. But I deserve it.

Then you get to call it, Bob. The coin is in the air. Teds. Huh? Did that work? Huh? It has to be one of those, so I feel like that's an automatic win.

Even in Opsy's land, I pretty much covered all bases there. You guys okay? I was just really coming up first. That was the funniest. Man, I don't know why that it was tails what does that mean just win it I think I don't know okay all right that's fair I suppose oh mark you concede that Ted's means he Hey, it's oh

With a much more dominating victory than it seemed like it should then Bob wins six to four And I lost a point at the end that I don't remember how I earned, so... All is right. The thing is, I don't even know if I would have won or lost if I called the right one or the wrong one. I'm super unclear on how that would have played out,

so... If you'd called tails and it was tails, you would have lost, because we've been doing opsies. What if I called heads and it was heads? You would have lost because it was opsies. If it was heads I win, tails I lose. Only if you called tails and then heads. No, heads you win, tails I lose. That's not the joke.

But it's opsies. One of us speaks in riddles, the other... One of us speaks in riddles, the other might have a little bit of dementia. Shit. Did we say that? It's not.

Whatever. Whatever. Another one might not speak so clearly. That's not funny you go up to that sphinx and you're just like oh sorry which one you'll never know you go up and one of them's like you'll never know

and the other one's like where are we is that a riddle is that a question well Bob give us your victory speech congrats on winning I don't feel good about it suddenly that's fine uh i was pretty unclear as to how to win this on purpose so i just did what i thought would be uh good advice and it turns out that good advice giving good advice is the best advice I could have given to myself

before this episode and I'm glad I did that, thanks me you're welcome Mark, you've lost yet again I've been on a bit of a losing streak I know I'm like 16 wins down after that but I'm going to climb back up after this

weirdly enough I think this was Wade's fairest judgment thus far, even though it was completely random anopsies. I'll get him next time. Just stay, keep TNT in your pocket for any time you find yourself on the bad end of a bank heist. And get naked when you're afraid.

God. I feel like that was excellent advice. When would that not work? Y'all made me laugh at the most unexpected times in this one. There were times I was like, man, this is going to be a funny one. And you guys just... Moments I was like, okay, it's going to be pretty chill. And then just, all right, move the sheets, drop my drawers.

And then the teds. It was pretty good. Well done. All right, well, thank you. Thank you guys for listening and watching now. This is our second time with the video. Hopefully, y'all enjoyed it. Sorry I'm a bit under the weather. Hopefully next time I'm feeling better

No rhyme intended but one of us speaks in riddles and ones and rhymes and all that You can find us at our respective places mark markiplier Bob at my skirm I'm Wade minion 777 at Lord minion 777 something complicated. We have merch stored at distractible podcast.com You can get stuff there. And I guess thanks for watching. We'll see you in the next one when Bob hosts something. Until then, podcast out.