Distractible - Hair

Episode Date: May 17, 2021

Today the guys discuss all things hair (and the lack there of)! They warn of the dangers of hair removal, explore the strange hair trends of ancient Greek statues, and discuss sci-fi scenarios where the elite harvest hair and organs from the less fortunate. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listener. You are now listening to Distractible, a Wood Elf production, with your hosts, Mark, Bob, and Wade. Today, they will be discussing long, luscious logs and Frankensteinian building blocks. You know, growing organs and the like. Please still your mind, and enjoy the show. Hey everyone, welcome to the Distractible podcast. Here we discuss anything that interests us and compete to see who can bring the most captivating stories to the table. I'm here with my two friends, Mark and Bob today. How are you guys doing? I'm the second one of those. I'm the former.

Alphabetically you'd be reversed, but I wanted to mix it up. Spicy. Thanks, man. I got a fun one today, guys, but I'm going to be inserting myself into the conversation as well, so it not gonna be just you two i'm competing with you as the judge wow she's patently unfair yeah can you be the winner if can you declare yourself the winner well i can't be the well i guess it depends on what you mean by winner because uh you know what today's subject is what we're gonna talk about different ways to remove unwanted hair and you know what i don't really have that problem so i either already win or else i already lose i know that you have hair in places yeah you don't want you can't don't just because you don't have hair in places you might want it

yeah but you guys have more you could remove in theory i guess maybe well maybe not well no actually i'm korean i have very little hair is the thing that's right all of yours is like edited in photoshop or something when mark when mark gets ready to do a shirtless video he just takes a glue stick and some some craft hair and he's like come on man did i say ways to remove unwanted hair today's episode is ways to add wanted hair can we get like like add or remove or transplant or just shift around? You know what? Ways to hair. Sure.

Ways to change the amount of hair in places on you. Whatever you want to do with hair, we will talk about it today. Yeah, but why? Why? Why would you want to remove hair? Hair is beautiful. Hair is beautiful. Hair is beautiful.

Well, maybe you have a severe hair phobia, but you just really want to... So you give them a heads up. But they got to get rid of that stuff. Or other reasons. Maybe you're a swimmer. I think that's one of those sentences that's just gonna be one long I should have thought of that one first I just love the shift of gears you can hear the clutch grinding

or you're a swimmer or what if you're a grocery clerk and the motion of reaching back and forth to swipe all the groceries really agitates the hair in your armpit? What if you're a nudist, but you have so much hair, you're not actually nude,

so they don't let you in? Oh, yeah, like Bigfoot. All the other nudists judge you for being only quasi-nudist. Where's your dick? We can't say you're oh yeah like bigfoot all the other nudists judge you for being only quasi nudist where's your dick say your penis you better share get it out here they would see into your crack when you bend over it's shrouded in hairy mystery your ass is still in the 70s it's time to catch up oh man okay well that seems like a totally normal topic to talk about between friends yeah sure um uh do we still come up with a title do you want to be captivated

with a with like you know what i'm the judge you guys come up with a title for at least your first part and then uh whichever one of your titles i like best you get to go first then from there we'll just keep that order as we go through these more and more ideas. All right. I don't have a good, I don't have a banger title for this, but I really like this idea. I'm hot on an idea right now.

And I think, I think I'm going to call it the, uh, the dip. Oh, God damn it. You asshole. Your idea was called the dip?

Mine was called dip it and rip it. No, we just have like the exact. There's no way we had the same idea. There's no way. Did yours involve like a big vat of like gooey, like what is it? The silly putty style stuff? Yeah.

Was it? You know what? You guys get to tell this together. All right, Mark. We're telling. We're doing this idea together. This is a cooperative idea. You each get 250 points

for dip. God damn it. We really went to the exact... We'll see if we went to the exact same place. Yeah, okay. Where does yours start? You got a 500-gallon drum. It's like a swimming pool but

cylindrical like a dunk tank and good to dunk tank yeah exactly what was yours uh well specifically uh no i'm not sponsoring anything but i was thinking that product nair is where you're you apply it and then you wipe it away and all the hair comes off by some sort of magical power yeah uh you get you get like a huge like dunk tank full of nair okay that's interesting because mine was actually more like you know silly putty when you put it on like a newspaper and it'll lift off like the newspaper ink or you like stick it in your vents of your air vents do you mean like wax like no no like a very well kind of like a very stickier version of the silly putty because you could i i was just thinking like

you put it in the bottom of a cup holder or like in your car's air vents and it'll like lift off any of the detritus so you just make a super sticky version you just slowly like in who framed roger rabbit like when they dipped cartoons in and And it would sizzle and burn as you go down. And you go, ah! You know, the hair would just like... You pull out really quick. So you got loops under your armpits. And then once you're down, it just rips really hard. And either your arms tear off or all of your hair does.

What I was going to say is what that sounds like is a really elaborate way to tear a person in half. Or get rid of their hair the amount of suction and force from that much of something that's that thick and sticky i'm pretty sure you're just ripping some arms off if the arms are hairy though it still technically would qualify that's true that's true you they like is someone with like a ball hitting a target and they fall all the way in like completely well so have you guys ever used nair because i do have to explain a little bit about why there are some downsides to mine um no i'm still at the point in life where i cherish what i've got left everywhere it's sort of like a thick it's not really as thick as wax it's sort of like a thick like putty not really as thick as wax. It's sort of like a thick, like putty sort of thing.

It's pretty thick and you sort of spread it on and then wipe it off. But you have to wipe pretty aggressively. The way that Nair removes hair is that it burns chemically. Oh, God. But only a little, right? So it doesn't burn your skin chemically but it burns your hairs chemically and that's why when you put it on and then just wipe it off with a towel the hair comes right off because it's been like dissolved or or or you know destroyed so the thing about nair is it's kind of

dangerous you gotta kind of watch the timer you can't just like put some on and let it sit and the longer it sits the the less hair you have or something it'll just start burning it's it's not good oh my god so the the the dipping in a vat of nair is sort of like a like a race car pit stop sort of scenario you get set up a team of people that wipe you down yeah well you can't leave it on there right so you get set up you get the loops under your arms and whatever you get your you get your thong on so you get maximum exposure you really want to seal that thong unless you're trying to get rid of every hair i guess but yeah yeah feeling like you don't want your sensitive areas to be subjected to this and you don't want your face to go in because you don't want your sensitive areas to be subjected to this. And you don't want your face to go in because you don't want it inside you either.

It's terrible. Right, right. Okay, so in this hypothetical pit stop, how does the team know what you're getting? Because I'm assuming it's at the same speed as a pit stop. Are you, like, shouting it ahead of your order? Like, do they radio it in? Well, so the pit stop starts when the timer's done, right? So everyone's like

ready and prepared they dip you in very gently and they suspend you in the nair for like a timed period there's a big timer and you're like everyone's counting down as the as the timer nears zero all the pit stop guys get their towels out and like take their positions as soon as that bad boy hits zero huge buzzer you're you inked out of the nair like elastic band style you flopped over actually you're probably suspended still because i gotta wipe 360 on suspended over you know whatever a tarp and and the whole team of people just starts fiercely just scrubbing off this caustic chemical because if it stays on there for any longer you're looking at serious you know skin damage blistering yeah burns i just i linked a picture of some dude who had

nair burns yeah i see those don't look pleasant that's a very unpleasant i imagine to to add to this in order to qualify what is getting wiped off or removed or what coverage you want i imagine you do like a drive-through style for this where you like you go through you place your order and then they give you like the appropriate outfit to cover the spots or no spots you know yeah oh right like a template so that they it's like masking tape but for your body yeah maybe like a spray on reverse liquid spray on it's just a shirt with your tits open and hanging out and your crotch completely exposed it's reverse closed i hear like hit me some guy comes in and he's like all right this process seems really convenient and i i don't i'm tired of shaving this area what do you what can

you do for armpits it's just like an elaborate system of masking and spraying and latex and suspending in the correct orientation just to get some armpit exposure. Yeah. Well, I feel like this definitely does the removal, but I don't feel like it does the transplanting or the saving of good hair. It's very much like a blanket sweep solution to a problem that should be like targeted because i feel like even on your body maybe you have one hair that you like but the hair next to it you don't like so how do you get how do you get this specificity down right so you want like hair

conservationism kind of yeah yeah you don't want to be chopping down perfectly healthy hair but if you need an area to not have hair for like a strip mall or something you want to transplant those bad boys yeah yeah and maybe even like you could run a shop where you save hair from people that don't want it and then give it to other people you know like they do with lipo they suck it out of people that don't want the fat and then they push it right into the people that do want oh no i'm just envisioning, like, a back room, like a garage that has, like, hydroponic grow lights in it and a bunch of just little patches of, like, curly, squiggly hairs. And you just walk around, and they all have labels.

This is a Wall Street businessman, and these are some choice hairs off of his lower back and butt cheeks like a hair laundering business like the auditor comes in has to go through all the hairs you have to make sure they're all uh clean someone comes in for a beard and they get a stray blonde pube on their face and they're like what the hell is this listen we had an intern and something got uh sorted incorrectly i know we can fix. We can fix that. We can fix that. A guy in an alley comes up in a trench coat, opens it.

You want Russian? You want Mexican pube? I've got it all here. Quality Colombian grundle. It's beautiful. Look at the luscious curls. It looks like he's a flasher, but actually he's just advertising all the different hairs he has on.

It's on his body. He's like, I keep it alive like this. Trash. Mobile hair garden. So listen. So I haven't experienced hair loss yet. I might start to go. It's starting to thin out a little bit on me

but i don't know we'll see if i get there so maybe i don't appreciate this if there was a technology that existed that was just a bed of micro needles where they could lay it on part of you and either inject hair with follicles or remove hair with follicles or whatever but it's literally like a like a huge array of tiny little needles like thousands of needles per whatever square foot is that worth it i mean is that really worth it i don't know if it is for me would it be extremely painful or would they knock you out like i mean i don't know i mean they're not putting you under general anesthesia i mean maybe i probably not but like if i go in, I would love to have my hair back. But if I go in and they're holding a butcher knife and there's another dude, like, with his thumb up,

and he's like, dude, can't wait to change scalps with you, dude. And they're just going to cut off my entire scalp and swap it. I'd be like, hmm, maybe not worth it. But, like, if it wasn't going to be that painful, like, sure. If there's some other dude that's that cheerful about it, then maybe it's such a bad idea dude your dome looks dope as hell like also bob is your idea that it's all these needles hitting you at the same time like it's a million it's just like like a stapler into your head yeah well it's efficient right so you line it all up and then you just hit the button and it's just like oh my jesus and it just happens good god the needles just all go in and out they do their thing well um the way i think is like it's not like a tattoo or you know it's a

needle but they do it a little bit at a time it's just it's all at once so it's like the temporary tattoos that you get off of like kids like fruit roll-ups and stuff or fruit by the foot you'd like put it on you'd peel it off like a little bit of water it would stick except for this is actual just millions of needles in that tiny little space that makes it permanent well okay okay we can take mark's alternative so you don't like my original idea what if it's like a tattoo gun and it's one hair at a time is that so bad i've never had a tattoo before but that's kind of like what they do for follicle replacement though isn't it i i would assume i don't actually know in all honesty i went in years ago to talk to like the people that worked at like bosley and

stuff and there were like two alternatives they offered at the time there was one where they like take a strip of skin and hair from like your i think it was like your lower back of your head maybe it was like from other parts of your body cool it was like a strip with a skin it sounded like there was still skin on it and then they just like put it on your i don't know how the hell it worked it sounded awful and barbaric and the other one was like individual follicle replacement where they would go it seemed like into the back of your head where like your hair's at some of its thickest and they'd remove follicles that had multiple hairs like in each follicle and they would move those around to where it was needed wait i was looking up like new technology for hair restoration and look at this sick ass hat what is this i love

the glowing golf ball inside what is that that? The system provides max results. So it's like some kind of laser, right? So it's a hat with lasers. That looks like a stock image they didn't even cut the words out of. And then they were just like, just make his hair red and put this on top. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I know that like everything today, for some reason, I don't understand this.

There's some things like laser hair removal i get it but how can you also have lasers remove hair and also add hair because that's what this is suggesting it's like a hat of lasers that blast your head with lasers and then also you could get them removed lasers different kinds of lasers. Here's an article I just read. Soon there will be unlimited hair. That's just the title. Soon there will be unlimited hair. And I don't know if that's a good thing. Just picture Palpatine with a really nice comb over. Unlimited hair.

Unlimited. Out of his fingers, shoot strands of hair. Like wrapping around like luke like no actually sounds really cool though wait it's kind of funny it's also kind of cool new uses of stem cells and 3d printing could make baldness obsolete for the well i like the for the wealthy in parentheses, yeah. Well, everything can be anything for the wealthy. I think that's pretty much true at this point. Yeah, and we can count ourselves among them. Thanks to our sponsor, which today is... Bob, Wade, I'm going to grub what you love.

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Are you talking about takeout food? Like where you go and get food and bring it home? Yeah, you can do that. You can do that through Grubhub. Okay, I know what that is, yeah. But they can actually have the food delivered to your door. You can dine in at the restaurant but from home at the same time with grubhub you're not dining in you're dining in your home you get like pizza tacos sushis anything you really like i know you're a picky eater but you can get whatever you want and it'll be right there in

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but I'm just saying the Grubhub gets you the food you want. You can try new cuisines. They also have perks. Do you have to go to their hub to get the perks? And where is their hub? Where is Mr. Hub? In your phone, on the internet, in the cloud, up in the space. I thought clouds were in like the atmosphere, not in space. Where does the atmosphere end in space begin? That's a conversation for another day. But with Grubhub, you can pick up your food, you can order ahead, you go on your phone, you press a button,

you look for local restaurants, you know, you can try something new all in your area. It knows exactly where you live. You can try a variety of cuisines and with perks, you can get discount free food. You can get all sorts of foods delivered straight to your door and you can grab what you love. This episode of the distractible podcast is brought to you by Fiverr. I hired someone on Fiverr to do the music for this ad read. I also hired someone on Fiverr to write the copy for this ad read. I've also hired someone on Fiverr to do the voice acting because Fiverr's global network of on-demand freelance talent is here to help. Whether you're launching your first business, scaling your current business, or in need of extra support from graphic design, copywriting,

marketing, web programming, film editing, scoring music, and more. Find your talent and begin working on your project within minutes. Customize your search by service, deadline, price, seller reviews, and more. No more guessing games. You'll know exactly what you're paying for up front. You can find services like this and more on Fiverr.com, and you can receive 10% off your first order by using our code distractible that is fiverr.com f-i-v-e-r-r.com code is distractible d-i-s-t-r-a-c-t-i-v-l-e that's fiverr.com code distractible okay so what is this article i wasn't actually reading it all of all the parts of the body to create in a lab what what what what they grow ears on mice and stuff right they're working on

organs yeah but i mean what did someone just accidentally make hair have you ever heard of like the teratoma the teratoma you know I hadn't until you said it the third time. You guys know what the teratoma is? No, not enough that I would venture to describe it. Teratoma is fucking terrifying. Okay, so this is a picture of a teratoma. What the hell is that? Not pictures.

Why would you send pictures? Oh, what is that? Oh, yeah, that's a good one, right? It's a teratoma. It's a teratoma. Is that teeth or marshmallows? Those are teeth. Yeah, I know, right? Oh, yeah, that's a good one, right? It's a teratoma. It's a teratoma. Is that teeth or marshmallows? Those are teeth. Yeah, I know, right?

Oh, God. I'm actually going to delete that one. Please do. I'm secretly trying to eat lunch in the background, and I don't think I can do it anymore. So a teratoma is a tumor that can occur in the body. It's pretty rare, but basically it grows random parts of the body inside of whole parts,

whereas some tumors are just like masses of cells. This one actually is starting to make parts of the body. So that's why there can be teeth in it. There can be hair, ears. There can be an eye in it. You know, there could be anything in your human body in terms of an organ in this tumor because it just starts randomly growing full organs.

I just came up with another way to generate new hair for human transplant does it have to do with the teratoma yeah you just need to come up with a method by which you can instigate teratoma creation so inside your person who wants more hair you inject them with something that causes a teratoma to form we'll call it the t virus what if it's a voice box that talks to you and it's like please don't remove me god if it talks that's a different issue but you just keep you keep doing it and you keep harvesting the teratomas and you just take you know hopefully you get some hair in some of them and uh keep accumulating hair out of hair retomas you could call it the hair retoma if at first you

don't succeed just keep growing god it's like a loot box you're like i hope this one's got hair teeth again oh damn it they said for the wealthy it adds. Or if you're really desperate, you do a bunch at once. How many teratomas can you have in a body and still be alive? I mean, they're extra organs. Honestly, you'll probably be healthier than ever. Even more alive. I got two and a half hearts. I got some extra livers around.

I can drink whatever I want. So you're saying if you do like a tenfold summon, you get your 11th one free? Yeah, man. That's great. That's probably definitely how teratomas work yeah i mean in in more realistic terms or probably horribly unrealistic terms maybe this actually is a way for like future organs to be grown controlled tumors that just in your body grows the extra organ you wouldn't even need a transplant you just grow it where your kidney is it would squo squish out the bad kidney you know and then the new kidney would be there you know what

i mean maybe this is actually that sounds like a thing that would exist in like some kind of weird sci-fi surrealist thing where it's like it's like a vending machine you start feeling kind of sick you check your bioscanner and it's like oh heart failure diagnosis heart failure you go up to the you go up to the toma vending machine you're like uh heart atoma heart atoma that's the one c3 heart atoma what if the vending machines are just criminals who have done really bad things and so like the worst of the worst criminals are forced to become these human vending machines that grow your parts for you jesus christ god like the sequel to human centipede human teratoma machine i don't think you understand what teratomas are but i appreciate that concept

in regular no no man just as a form of punishment you harvest their organs but also teratomas yeah no see the thing about the teratoma is like if you grow it in if they grow it in their body it's their heart like you you want to grow it in your body until you take it yeah then it's still a transplant and you have to do you have to do you have to have matching and matching things proteins or anybody's i don't know how it works but you can't just you can't just accept a transplant from any other human there's a bunch of shit that has to work no way it's got this well eventually there'll be enough criminals where you'll match with someone

like you know maybe it's a sibling or something just on the off chance that this criminal matches with some don't some people in need of organ transplant thatplants like grow the maximum number of organs inside this sack. My name's Billy. You're a sack now. You shouldn't grow more hearts. You shouldn't have smoked all that super weed. You're not a person anymore. I like this idea. There's probably like some sci-fi thriller about this or there's

like a desperate author listening to this podcast like furiously writing it like that's giving our terrible off the cuff idea a lot of credit but i'll take it about crime deterrence though like the hell i would never do anything wrong not that i do anyway well okay imagine like if you're growing a lot of organs you're going to get a lot of food you know you're going to eat you're they're going to feed you good they're going to feed you good food you're just going to be like lot of food. You know, you're going to eat. They're going to feed you good. They're going to feed you good food. You're just going to be like staying, you know, relatively docile like you're 16 hearts. Maybe you can run real fast. Eventually, you'll accumulate so much extra muscle mass.

You'll be so bulky. They can't even keep you there. Crime is deterred so much by this that you have to like be paid in order to violate the laws to become a teratoma vending machine so your family can eat dude actually that might not be crazy in the future imagine there's a world where we've i think we've had the hypothetical like if you could pee for someone else like if you could take someone's pee and pee for them and your job was just to pee for people that didn't have time to take bathroom breaks or or take dumps for people. It's kind of the same concept.

I will grow your heart. It's like a surrogate mother. I will grow your organ. I will do all the work to grow it. I will eat right, take my vitamins, whatever. I'll deal with the pain or the side effects. And then at the end of it, you take my heart out and put it in you. Is that so unrealistic?

I feel like that, in my head, goes directly to some sort of weird dystopian future where the super rich have like herds of humans that they've paid to live on their human ranch to grow all these extra organs for them and their family. Just like every rich guy has like nine other people who are all organ farms and they just pay them like minimum wage and give them food and housing the people's existence is to be safe and not get hurt and be healthy sounds like 10 years from now is that why they haven't raised the minimum wage they're already planning it the coup is coming i mean maybe dude what like okay but imagine like you get paid minimum wage but per organ right so you you just take on 10 organs you're making good money you're making real good way it would be that fair that somehow somehow the rich people who were paying these organ growing humans would find a way to make it a tipped profession

i mean you don't even get minimum wage you get a buck 16 an hour and you better make sure the doctors tip you when you go and see them you screamed a lot during the heart extraction so i'm not even gonna leave a tip you grow on uber organ you only get tips when your organs get used do door lungs door oh i love whenever volunteers come to my house and deliver organs in a bag and ring my doorbell at least the bag's stapled so you know they didn't get their hands on it it's got a sticker on it that says

COVID free it just says aren't you glad you stayed in it's like all those commercials where people are just It just says, aren't you glad you stayed in? Like all those commercials where people are just eating food. It's just people holding up organs dripping with blood and stuff. Just dancing as ridiculously as before. Doorlung. Only the choicest organs on doorlung. Oh my oh my god well i guess we could do the same with

hair right you could have the different kinds of hair delivered yeah hair hair right hair we got a little distracted there i'm the judge you're supposed to laugh you both lose 200 points i don't care i don't care anymore good it's not worth's not worth it. I'm giving myself 400 points for you not laughing. Good. Excellent. Anyway, hair. So without growing it, we haven't talked about synthetic hair, right? That's true.

Because we've been on the biological tangent. There's plenty of really realistic wigs and stuff like that that you can make. But why don't you just sew that directly into the scalp west world style and you just like build out your hair what's the difference i mean honestly it's consistent you could use that to augment yourself if you're adding synthetic pieces what if there's implants in the scalp transplant that you get so you get hair plus you have 5g you have like little fishing real things like in your like really small ones in your head so you can change the length of your synthetic hair so you can grow it out, shrink

it back up. You could hire thousands of tiny little microscopic fishermen who adjust them for you. A bunch of guys run around like, it's not automated or anything, it's fishing reels. This is the future. I couldn't think of the name of the

system. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One do the tiny people get paid to do that? I think you're dead on, man. I think you've predicted the future with 100% accuracy as far as I'm concerned. What I think is going to happen in a few years, you know, because all trends, they move in waves. So, like, pubes were not cool now, and then they were cool, like, before. I believe they're going to come back, but with the advance of technology, they're going to come back in three-dimensional geometric shapes, like hedge trimming, but with pubes.

Like topiaries? Pubiaries? Yeah, it's going to be pubiaries. Tope pubiaries? Yeah. I think it's just going to elevate it to an art form, and then they'll be like, you're still with the square pubiary? You got to go with the pyramidal.

It's all about the pyramidal. I want the square pubiary. You got to go with the pyramidal. It's all about the pyramid. I want a giraffe pubiary. Actually use the shaft itself in the design. It's very elaborate. Tape in there. So you're going to have like neighborhood competitions where people come out to look at like the different designs that you've gotten. In the suburbs, they have yard competitions.

He has the nicest garden. In the city, it's an apartment building where it's just an apartment hallway. Everyone's standing in front of their own door, showing their newest, sexiest. They're just laying on the ground, like on the welcome mat, their pants at their ankles. Someone's walking around like with a notepad. Hmm.

Hmm. Mrs. Johnson, same design as last year you're gonna lose points for that families come walking through and then mom's like in front of that one take a picture with the dog i i don't know how accurate this is but have you guys ever seen like uh spartacus or like any like roman show stuff like this i mean sure yeah yeah so so in there whenever they made a statue of like some famous gladiator or something they had like a bust of their head and shoulders and then it was like a like a square solid block all the way down to the floor except they also had their cock and balls rendered perfectly in marble. So it was like, it's like head and then dick.

And I don't know how accurate this is, but literally that is one element from those shows that always stuck with me. Let me see if I can find it. I don't remember seeing a bus that's just like on a nice little pedestal with a dick and balls. Well, I mean, the only reason I bring this up is because it's not too crazy to think about these competitions where like a bunch of rich assholes in a museum, like, and there's a bunch of lined up men and women with various pubiaries, like, of all types of designs. They're like, oh, interesting. Look at that dog.

So cute. Let me see if I can find this thing. I have never seen this before. The hell? No. No. I told you man that's like a photoshop i have never seen that before so everyone listening this might be on the website but there's literally it's a head and shoulder bust and then a full cylinder of nothing except for a little like 3d carve out of a dick okay i'm digging through reddit posts right

now this is apparently not a bust nor is it technically a statue this is called a herm h-e-r-m a herm they were originally sacred objects in classical greece depicting the god hermes they were only of hermes i guess that's why they're called a herm this is the equivalent of like having having a cross up in your kitchen or something modernly i don't know but from the late 400s onward the style came to be used for other subjects and like many forms of greek sculpture was copied by the romans the genitals were not intended to be part of the depiction but were a remnant of the original that's a disney castle tower penis for classical greeks the penis was part of the herm's religious significance of course it was okay so what i'm getting here is hermes had magic junk and everybody in greece was really hype about hermes's junk why did we never start rumors like that about our own can

you imagine we could start it right now i mean yes we have magic junk i may not be able to get a perm but i did go down and i got a herm done today boys you get your herm done what if like a gravestone you know grandpa died and you go over to the field like this looks so peaceful put a flower by his ball that would be such a banger of a will though so you do you get your final like arrangements in

order and you don't explain it or talk to anyone you have like totally normal sounding stuff but also mix in there somewhere you're like also I'd like my

gravestone to be a herm make sure you get that take don't even tell them you just tell them you have to go through this one company

yeah no no explanation so like your family your children are grieving and they're like oh we gotta take care of that funeral like uh and you're looking down on them obviously from heaven because you were a good person and you would never do something like this to your family and uh and they're like he wants a herm herm huh you guys know what a Herm is? No. Well, let's still look it up online.

Oh. And then the last page of your will is a series of 3D wire frames of your junk that you very carefully hadn't made. So like they learn what a Herm is and they're like, no, Dad, no, what? And then they turn again. They're like, maybe it's a joke.

And then they find your junk on the last page and they're like, no, Dad! maybe and then they find your junk on the last page and they're like no dad god send this to the herb maker there's like a thumb drive and then like they boot it up it's a spinning 3d file like a light scan of your dick it's like one of those 90s like screensavers your junk bounces around the screen their kids are staring at it in horror and then the tip just goes right into the corner and one of them's like yeah wait wait sorry sorry sorry that's cool but that's not the time not the time yeah yeah yeah grandma's like oh that was when he was at his prime oh that must have been 1983 i can tell by this never mind god do you think teratomas would work if you wanted like

extra dicks why not you hire someone to grow like 13 more dicks you don't put 13 dicks you just like chain them up like this just to maximize the length you've got the human centidick what if the kind of teratoma that you grow in your body is like somehow genetic or something or like it's unique and so like you become known like someone's like oh i grow hearts and then another guy's like yeah i grow right lung teratomas and there's just a guy's like yeah i grow dick teratomas they're not big but there's a lot of them you put them end to end if you're really worried about it dick teratoma guy walks in they're like time to leave time to leave there's a table by himself he sits down next

to the anus teratoma guy and anus guy's like what's up you old bag of dicks and they're like yeah nobody likes us boob face sits down i grow boobs only on my face i grow not teratoma teratomas they're external they're boobs on my face like man i don't think you i don't think you're a teratoma guy at all i don't think you know what teratomas are what are you doing in our club what's tinhead guy doing in the teratoma club teratoma club it's like a classy snooty blazers only supper club for teratoma growers it's a weird future that we're gonna live in guys i'm excited for it i think it'd be hard to look snooty when your blazer is like bulging out because

of all the organs underneath your coat i think i need a herm for my house it's to really scare and confuse guests well if you do the teratoma thing you could maybe get a herm but instead of just being the dick it's whatever organs you actually grow in you could be would it still be a herm in that case i mean you could call it that oh i did not know we'd go down the the line of growing organs for other people inside of our bodies well that's what we do here we go beyond just the problem presented we solved that problem in the beginning i honestly thought this through a little bit and i saw some different roads we might go down this was not one of the ones i projected i'm happy about that people got the education that they needed in terms of hair removal and hair restoration we have solved

yeah i mean you guys solutions were a lot more clever than mine i was just gonna have two dudes super glue like their chests and then like hug and then have like cars or trains rip them apart to rip the hair out but you guys had more clever solutions than that what the fuck something fast or do the quick rip it's like how whenever someone's like losing a tooth you tie a string to the tooth tie a string to the door and you slam the door shut it's kind of like that but for hair i just want to circle back to herms for a second apparently they are named okay so a herm of athena is called a hermathena so there's like hermericles which is heracles there's hermaphroditus which is aphrodite i i want a herm hermicegerm hermarkiplier and herminion seven herminion space seven actually i'm being

specifically honest our new merch the first merch of the podcast will be herms of us little tiny herm oh my god goodbye sets of herms oh my god god if we could can we make a herm shirt where it's just like dick and balls at the bottom center oh my god that's just a tan shirt with a shadow Don god

that would be the best piece of bird I've ever seen on the internet for the people that understand it would have to be squared so it would be a tan rectangle with black sides. So you can put your hands behind your back and really just become a Herm. Can the back of it just say Got Herm or something like that? Since the back doesn't matter.

The back is like a big quote bubble that just says, You Got Hermed. So once you get people, they look at you for a second and they're like, what the? You just jump and turn around and point at your back with your thumbs and be like, oh, damn it. I thought it was just a lewd shirt. Now I know. Oh, I fell

for it again. Oh, this one's weird. The one on the right, it kind of looks like a little face down there. Like you just got a second face. He's just like like Squidward if he like had sunken in cheeks said davy jones tell him that jack sparrow that you'll fail to have davy jones down in your crotch every time you go every time you go to use a urinal you walk into a public bathroom you like find your spot.

You zip just from down there. You're like, shut up. God damn it. I hate this. I didn't know Davy Jones was Canadian. Why did my terracotta have to have terracottas up there? Why did mine have to have the voice box and the dick in the same one? Ugh.

Terracoma? Terratoma. We talked about this five minutes ago. Yeah. Ah, god. So hair. Hair, yeah. While we removed it, we added it. We grew new hair.

Synthetically, fishing bowls. What are some unorthodox uses for hair that is removed fishing net um rug uh you could sprinkle it on your bed like rose petals or a before an evening a romantic evening yeah get some red hair for that okay exfoliating oh yeah hair soap just homemade soap with with hair fibers as exfoliating oh fibers fiber supplement you put that in some water like metamucil it's like hair mucil and you slug it down probably keep you very regular you could probably use it as glass fibers when you're pouring like epoxies or whatever you can make like a hair fiber that'd be epoxy you know insulation in your home yeah yeah put it like flex tape and just use it as an extra seal on cracks.

A whole carpet. Instead of buying carpet, you just have it made out of excess hair. You burn it for heat in the winter. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Sprinkle it on your dog's bed to show him who's boss. Water supplement for swimming pools.

Yeah. If you have one of those cats that doesn't have hair, you could use it for cat warmth. Kind of a nest situation. That was good you guys were quick on that a thousand points each thanks thank you for the points you're welcome is that guy's name bill nye i think it was davy jones guy yeah bill bill bill nene bill bill It wasn't Bill Nye. Bill Yaya. Bill hit that whip. Bill Nye. Nye. Nye.

All right. Well, I guess on that, Mark, you get an extra 10 points for finding those lovely statues. So I guess that makes you our winner today. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. I'm pretty sure it was tied before that. You did assign points exactly evenly, yes, the whole time. I think I was technically winning, but you know what?

However many points you need to beat me with the statues, especially ones with the feet um you win all right though thank you thank you very much congrats i appreciate it well played sir i will take uh i will patent the teratoma process and you guys can expect organs uh to be pumped out very soon uh if you want to crowdfund it uh we have a um patreon for helping with that yeah I guess everything can be found on our website that we've spent a lot of time working on and looking at and we know like the back of our hands. Yeah. And a big thank you to our sponsor

or sponsors. I think he managed Alibaba and that's the only sponsor that we can possibly get. Thanks for watching Distractible. You can find our podcast and... They already found our podcast. Oh. Well, you can find us...

Let's go to the website. The website's called... Oh, it's the name of the website. Distractiblepodcast.com You can find our podcast at distractiblepodcast.com. A big thanks to my co-podcasties, Mark and Bob. You're welcome. Stay tuned for another podcast

coming to you same time, same place. Uh, podcast out! Out! Did I do it? Jesus Christ, man. That was great. Good job.

Thank you.