Distractible - Happy Funerals

Episode Date: August 9, 2021

Bob hosts, hoping Mark and Wade will discuss how they want their funerals to be. Instead, Mark offers “Santa’s Big Goodbye” and Wade describes what a Jackass funeral would be like! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable, a Wood Elf production, with your hosts, Boisterous Bob, Weird Wade, and Mellifluous Mark. This week, the three musketeers of madness take on the sackcloth while maintaining their customary smirks. It's time for Happy Funerals. Wish the boys luck with this topic and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome to another episode of Distractible, where we can discuss anything that interests us, but only if it's stupid. And I will be the host today because I won again last week. I earned this. As the host, I will be the judge of the stories that will be submitted by the two losers from last week.

I know one of you couldn't have won because you were the host. I didn't lose. I didn't necessarily lose. If I'm the winner, that makes both of you losers. That's just how it works. No, there were only two contestants at that juncture. There's only one winner and there are three of us. I'm just saying.

Technically, as a judge, couldn't you make yourself a contestant because you make the rules? So technically, there could be two losers. That's what I'm saying. I mean that's a that's a road we should not cross, you know, you don't cross well you do crossroads. It's not the expression. You shouldn't cross roads stay in your lane forever. My grandpappy always told me never cross those damn roads. The cars can't be trusted.

Look both ways before you never cross the road trick question why did chicken cross the road it didn't that's why there's still a chicken what a world that would be your entire world is only within the roads that you were born inside of some people really got if you live in a city you're not going anywhere i know fifth street and only fifth street a baby was born on the 275 today joe you're half a block losers now all i can think of is whether that includes alleys and dirt roads but that's not why we're here we're here so that i can judge the quality of your stories but before we get that we're obligated to make some kind of small talk so like what's up how's it going guys um good mark and wade i guess i didn't even introduce you

just whoever there's like an up can i give it uh can i give an update yeah yeah all right so apparently according to our subreddit uh which um which uh we've talked about uh promoted it It's subreddit. No, it's reddit. Reddit.com slash r slash distractible. Thank you, glorious judge, for saving me from myself. But Japan made a gun called the speech jammer that can stop people from talking at a distance, which is exactly what Wade said in the fake tech episode. So not only was that idea of a mobile ability

to shut people up from a distance a good idea, Japan made it real. And I'm not 100% sure how it works, but it looks legit. Let me, let me share the link in terms of this Discord thing we have. Bam. And so you can see a picture of this guy holding a gun that looks like it has a cheese grater on the front. Apparently that's a speaker, maybe microphone receiver at the same time, and it can prevent you from talking. I'm no physiologist, but the range on this cannot be that good. Physiologist. I do not think that's the right one.

No, no. It's a guy who does physics. Physiologist. I know. Physiologist. Listen. That guy's fingernails are very dirty looking too i don't trust this article at all sound is compressions in air right it's or vibrations are very how far could you possibly shoot sound is this something you have

to be like five feet physiologist don't don't google things an expert in or student of the branch of biology that deals with normal functions of living. It deals with sound. Yeah, obviously. Got it. Everybody knows. These three kinds of muscular motion are well known to physiologists. Because they create so much sound, everybody in physiology knows that quote.

Get out of here. Stop fact checking me. I apologize. I apologize. But yeah, so I don't know what the range is like maybe you have to be like maybe it's just something where it looks like it does something else but you just walk up to someone's mouth and it just clamps over and like it's like a staple gun instead of putting your finger like on their lips to shush them you just push this thing into their face

if they'll bite down on a clamp that would shut me up god have you ever actually been shushed in that manner like someone goes and puts their finger on your lips i've had it once for like a video but never in real life no what normal human would do that in real life to another human i don't know man even if you knew well enough, like it was your significant other or sibling or something, if Mandy did that to me, I would still kind of be like, oh, don't touch me. What the hell? If I did that to Molly, I'm pretty sure she'd bite my finger off.

Yeah, that makes sense. Plus, being shushed is never a good thing. I don't like to be shushed in any manner. I'm not a loud person, so it doesn't really come up that much in everyday life. Do you have that petty instinct, too, where if someone someone goes to shush you you want to get louder and more obnoxious oh yeah of course i have that reflex where i want to shush back if someone shushes at me i just want to be like you made noise to shush me did you guys see the video like it was

there's been many plain videos of like screaming babies but there's this one where there's kids screaming like a toddler or something and then like 30 seconds into this kid screaming this guy starts just going right in the baby's face and then the mother's like you can't do that he's like he did it to me first you get your baby to shut up well so i've seen i don't know if I've seen the one you're referencing, but I've seen videos like that. Did it work? I mean, yeah.

The kid shut up real quick. Yeah, because the video that I saw, a grown man started doing that, and the kid was immediately just like, oh, oh, no, and was quiet forever as far as I know. Yeah, yeah. Put that on your LinkedInin like yeah i can out scream a baby hire me for your babysitting needs occupation the city hires baby screamers to ride all public transit it's just a guy roaming the train honey we hired the babysitter the baby

screamer the baby starts screaming he starts a stopwatch baby starts screaming it's 30 seconds and he's just like no right in the right in the face the mother is just like i know i know if you shit your pants loud enough and hard enough can you stop the baby from shitting its diaper baby shitter can you potty train a baby by out shitting yourself yeah probably i mean you should try it all right you should have a baby and then try that a baby shitter you know how you can always see like this guy marshall because he's always the same dude in a polo and like white slacks and sunglasses you can always spot the baby screamer just like his gargantuan throat a huge mouth it's really over developed vocal

cords does he dress like a baby too a big, an undersized shirt with his belly hanging out, a rattle? It's under a trench coat, but you can tell. Yeah, he always stands in the back in the aisle, like in the middle of the aisle in the back. Just dark lighting behind him. Just like diaper, trench coat, hat, baby rattle. Is there like a little button on the plane to get to the... You guys have been calling the attendant. You call the baby scream room. Oh, you don't want to hit that button. the plane to get to like you guys have a calling the attendant you call the baby scream room

Oh, you don't want to hit that button. It's right next to it Like if you accidentally hit that one you're in trouble, dude I was on a flight once I was getting motion sick and I really needed a bag And I hit the baby screamer button Yeah, and the guy came up to me and he didn't think it was funny He started screaming in my face and I was like sir unless your screams will stop me from throwing up i don't think you're gonna so i don't think you're gonna help in this situation i was flying solo to la from cincinnati and the guy next to me fell asleep and like started leaning over and his head

was on my shoulder so i reached over to his side pressed the baby screamer button and got his ass woken up real quick you just press the button you hear stomp stomp stomp imperial march starts playing don't don't do this um oh yeah don't don't scream at babies this is a great topic i like this topic what's the time anyway so we're doing a podcast leave it to professionals let's professional scream at the baby you don't scream at a baby don't insert yourself i want to be a baby screamer uh it's a lot of training but that's not even today's topic oh today's topic that you will be rendering your stories uh about on i don't know whatever the topic is paint a picture paint a word picture for me of the happiest funeral you can imagine can be happy because of who's dead i

guess or it could be like a big party it could be your funeral what you want it to be like i don't know just tell me on the happiest funeral oh no oh god i didn't make this one but i got one i will accept another story also sidebar in what episode in what ad did one of you assholes say you need to stop and ask for erections which one was me that was the ad read for the roman that we did like two weeks ago now that's when my dick was broke why is there something in the subreddit about this oh yeah sorry no i'm just on the server because you know there's there's just a meme that's like ads on any other platform the ads are indistractable and i'm just like in the comments i'm like you need to stop and ask for erections i'm just like holy shit anyway no that's self-serving patting us on the back we're not funny dude we're so

fucking funny don't don't understand yeah well who wants to go first sounds like mark's got a real smoker. The title of mine is called Santa's Big Goodbye. God. I guess my title would just be, dude, he did it. Oh, my God. What the hell? Wait, you have to go first. Yeah, wait. The title's probably even more exciting than the story, but yeah.

Oh, well, now I'm less excited. I came up with this. I'm sure the internet will tell me, that's already a movie and a film and a play by Shakespeare, and it was actually written in 1492 BC. But you know what? Fuck you. It's my idea right now. All right.

So this is not a tale. This is just an idea of like, so you know those like the group that did Jackass, like Steve-O, and I can't remember all their names, but you know that group uh the the group that did jackass like steve-o and i can't remember all their names but you know that group johnny knoxville and yeah chris ponius and those guys yeah i just imagine one of those guys like or not necessarily them but someone like that like a group of people that hang out and just do the dumbest shit all the time and like one of them's like yeah for whatever reason like they know that their time is coming they're just like i'm gonna go out in the biggest blaze of glory.

And so they go out and they, I don't know, they have like a jet ski that's rigged to explode the fireworks and launch them into space. And then their body explodes and like sparklers go off and shit rains down. But just imagine the funeral for someone like that, where they show up and like, even their funeral is rigged to have just like the dumbest shit going on. Like the coffin goes onto wheels and they ride it down the street into like a convenience store like they did the old people cosplay thing where they were running around like on their powered wheelchairs like breaking shit and going down hills yeah i just imagine the whole scene like dude i can't believe he did it where everyone at the funeral is also just like a member of jackass and they're just all doing the dumbest shit.

There's not a whole big story there. Guys, guys, guys. Breaking, breaking, breaking. This is so weird because it's a synchronicity, right? Like I haven't thought about Jackass in ages and i just googled jackass three hours ago a trailer for a new jackass movie what just dropped are you kidding me not even joking literally three hours ago on twitter jackass at jackass world jackass forever official trailer three hours ago i swear to god if they take my idea and they go out in a blaze

of glory and then they're like wait you're just saying this after it happened this is my original idea it is currently july 20th and the youtube video of the trailer released on july 20th i am just i'm astonished unless you just saw this i did not unless. Unless, Wade, you looked this up, which would make total sense. I've got two images up on my monitor. One's the guy holding the sound gun. The other one's an image of what the car I'm getting looks like. I got no jackass anywhere.

The only jackass here is me. I don't know if it's worse that you're not doing any research into the stuff that you're talking about or you're so distracted by your car. But yeah, no, that fits. Thank you. But yeah, no. Holy shit. I can't believe it. any research into the stuff that you're talking about or you're so distracted by your car but yeah no that fits thank you but yeah no holy shit i can't believe it how old are they what the hell i actually knew they were working on the new movie because i steve-o has a youtube channel and he's doing a podcast with some people and there's some funny stuff i literally had no idea that like the trailer came out today no way oh yeah they're gonna steal my idea they're gonna like fake their

deaths and they're gonna have like this mass funeral like oh they all died in the boat and they're gonna like come exploding out of their coffins wearing nothing but thongs land on some kind of jet-powered skateboards go down a hill fireworks will be going off all this shit's gonna happen it's gonna be my idea and they're taking it they can't take it if they've already filmed it oh they did the trailer in pre. They've not done the post yet. They did the trailer in pre. Fix it in pre.

Goddamn better fix it in pre. Dude, Christ. God. Oh, my God. That's so stupid. I want a shirt that says fix it in if there hasn't been one that's my idea too if it exists I'm stealing it back that's my

original idea it's okay man it's okay it's gonna be okay calm down you're fine wait you have so many ideas that are already popular things it's crazy oh man anyway yeah johnny knoxville is 50 years old which is pretty impressive i mean i know you can be fairly limber at 50 but there's a few joints that ain't working up to 100 at 50 no from from what i understand johnny knoxville and a lot of the the jackass guys their bodies are fairly ruined from all the dumb shit they did during their 20s and 30s it's not like he's in good shape and you know they're all just getting back together they're all like torn up and old you also don't

heal as fast at that age so if they do hurt themselves in during and post, then good luck healing from it at that point. I bet it doesn't work this way, but the human body is very adaptable. Can you adapt to being hurt a lot to be better at healing? Is that even a possibility? Well, to some extent, like look at football players, like football players get hurt, they go back,

they get hurt, they go back. But then like they get to be in their 40s, 50s and and 60s and a lot of them have like major brain things going on physical ailments they get heart problems i mean they get all kinds of issues that from that i don't think your body gets better at healing i think you adjust your pain thresholds and you cope with what your body can do yeah yeah i think you can push it and push it but like you were saying wayne there's a lot of athletes and different sports have different ways it happens but like if you really push it too hard for too long you kind of just ruin parts of your body and they don't come back yeah i ruin my body in different ways but yeah has there ever been a person who was

like genetically anomalously good at healing wolverine. Like kind of like a natural Wolverine thing. A real person. Like a real person. Hugh Jackman. He plays Wolverine. Oh, you mean Deadpool. Yeah, Deadpool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's fascinating because like I'm kind of questioning like can you consider these guys professional athletes? Because I know that like if you're a professional stunt worker, like you are in the topmost shape, you are trained to a T, if you're doing it right anyway, and you could be considered an athlete. I'm not sure if being an idiot professionally is a sport. They were skinny dudes, but they were not in shape. Like I said, I've watched Stevo's content a lot. Stevo was pretty open about heavy drinking, I believe drug use

of various kinds all during that period and as they got more famous it got crazier because you know that kind of happens you're invited to more crazy shit you meet more crazy people you do more crazy stuff but like i don't think they were in shape i think they were average dudes who just were willing to do it i mean they had fun or whatever yeah i don't think they were workout warriors they just beat the shit do it. I mean they had fun or whatever Yeah, I don't think they were workout warriors They just beat the shit out of themselves and healed up and shoved things up their butts and that kind of thing Yeah, well, you don't have to be in shape to be an athlete. I don't know Well, I guess you kind of do you don't have to be like super skinny necessarily But you kind of have to be like physically healthy fit. I don't know so eSports

Do you call eSports people athletes like what's the term for that are they e-athletes oh man that debate goes far beyond just this podcast well yeah i know but like assuming that esports if you consider esports a sport what would the term be would it be e-athlete as well or just athlete or would it be something else entirely i mean to my ear that sounds kind of goofy i hear esports professionals mostly referred to as competitors which i feel like carries a different sort of connotation as well as a different definition yeah specifically athletes but like i don't know because it depends what kind of athletics you're defining people who are into sports and who look down on esports as being called referred to as a sport at all are like oh

they're not you know they're weak little pale kids who sit on their computers and like that may be true some of them do all kinds of weight lifting and get really ripped but some of them are you know not physical specimens but they're physically dexterous in ways that are sort of inhuman depending on what game they play right they can do things with their hands and limbs that you can't do without thousands of hours of training and brains strategizing and stuff let's like uh is chess like chess considered a sport um yeah i i i think actually is it wait um i should google this is chess considered this because i mean that would be all brain power i mean yeah you have to physically move the pieces but that's mostly yeah

chess is recognized as a sport the international olympic committee has recognized recognized as a sport. The International Olympic Committee has recognized chess as a sport. It is not an Olympic sport, which would merit inclusion in the games, but it has acknowledged the sport-like properties inherent in chess. I think a sport or like a game is like broad definitions of like a contest of wills between two people, right? So I think given that the e-sports have the e-connotation, right so i think given that the e-sports have the e connotation it's like a contest of wills that would be physical if the worlds that you were competing in were in any way real but because they can't be all you have is your mind and at the end of the day we are just brains and meat puppets after all so what's the difference i would put chess and like some of the e-sports all on the

same lines of like most i mean if anything actually esports would require more physical interaction and like uh reaction time and that kind of thing unless it's like the times because there's like a time unless you're playing heavy chess and then you need to be real strong unless you're playing life-size chess every piece has backpack straps you gotta carry it around like the harry potter chess where you've got the giant pieces each chess piece weighs 200 pounds well the pawns do man move that queen the better ones are heavier queens weigh so much queens weigh like 900 pounds it's made of real stone once they're locked on target they automatically move straight forward so don't get in between them like if it's coming for a pawn you can choose to fight the piece

yourself you just have to be able to out wrestlewrestle a 500-pound slab of rock. By this definition, though, I guess they might not be considered athletes then because they're not really competing. From what I remember, it was just a bunch of dumb bits that they did back-to-back-to-back and such. Yeah, there's no winners. It's purely entertainment. Yeah, yeah.

No. Yeah. It's more like performers, I guess. Entertainer, performer, stuntman. I mean, technically, this is a contest. Are we athletes? I mean, I don't think athletes because athletes derive from athletics, which is a physical definition. But are we?

We're competitors. This is basically an e-sport. Contestants. I think more so contestants, probably. We're comedic athletes. I think that's what we are. Yeah. This is the Olympics of comedy here.

I've got comedic abs out the ass yeah just wait for heavy distractible just wait for you can't joke about unless you can carry it 100 yards you want to joke about a bus too bad keep it small until you get stronger squirt actually another podcast in 2015 already made this joke i'm not bitter sounds like you're not bitter anyway wade do you want to tell them more of the story about your funeral that you ripped off from jackass yeah you're totally ripped off copied story that it's not yours at all i oh i swear to god i didn't tell it they're liar just i don't know i guess you guys can imagine the kind of shenanigans you could pull i i can't possibly describe it without it being ripped off

of something that they're probably going to do in this stupid trailer movie that's coming out but yeah funeral pranks and gaffes and everyone there just literally being a jackass like dude he actually did it because you know maybe the person actually was like maybe it's not a gaffe maybe their funeral they're like yeah we're gonna do this great big prank and the biggest prank of all was like they were like yeah i'm actually dead hang on wait i gotta call amy because like i need her to set get me a video it's all fine this is for the podcast hang on one second i am confused judge may i make a judge may i make a phone call yeah use your phone a friend i guess i didn't know we had lifelines can i phone a friend what's up hi amy nothing's wrong do you

remember that video where the guy's hanging from from the ceiling on that weird conveyor belt and he's just dangling? Oh, yeah, there's a few of those. Can you find one and send it to me? Bye, Amy. Thank you so much. Bye, bye. Bye, Amy. She can't hear you.

Damn it. Anyway, I'll pull that up later when it's relevant. It's to help you, Wade. Thank you. I'll take all the help I can get. All right. it's for it's to help you wade thank you i'll take all the help i can get yeah all right well if you're not even gonna attempt to steal any more intellectual property wait i guess your story's done well i think we had a pretty good discussion out of it i i feel pretty content with the ideas

that the imagination can convey from like the duty actually did at funeral just fireworks explosions racing everybody like i don't know popping down into their underwear and just running out and going crazy. I don't need to go too much in depth. I can definitely see that happening, but, like, the ultimate prank being they're actually dead because everyone expects them to not be dead. Yeah, like, yeah, they're so used to, like, doing the stupid jackass-y stuff, for lack of a better word,

that, you know, them actually being dead is, like, the final prank of it. All right, well, some points for ripping off a story, some points for explosions and action-packed sequences in my mind that you created. It's the ultimate slap to the face that I'm like, man, this sounds like an original idea. And then literally that day,

Jack is like, wow, we're coming back. I can't believe it. Not even that day, three hours prior. Next coming back i can't believe it not even that day three hours prior next recording you're gonna just let wade start talking and one of us is gonna just have to be like no that's already a thing you get two words out i want everyone to know this would have been recorded three hours ago if i didn't have more water damage that had to be repaired today so it's literally the drowned man stopped me from having an original idea oh why does everything happen to you?

I don't know. You want some water damage? I'll fucking hose you down right now, boy. I had water damage. I fixed it. I fixed it professionally. It's gone. Hasn't come back.

I don't know what's going on with your stuff. I'll get my hose. I'll water your whole house. Oh, thank you. I wouldn't do that. All right. I found it. I found it.

You found what? Oh, the video? For those at home, look up, like, guy acts like he's dead on a zip line. Oh yeah, I've seen these. Just imagine, like, everyone's gathered for the funeral, and then the coffin is closed at first, and then

it just pops open dramatically in a poof of smoke, but it's empty. And then, through the back doors My body on a zipline flies and lands perfectly in the coffin and then afterward the guys got like Some kind of oxygen thing and his casket and like everyone's like around the grave They're putting the dirt on everyone's like crying throwing their flowers and like just an arm emerges as it breaks out like a zombie Sorry, I'm just watching the video So in what I'm reading listening to this posted on the subreddit if we ever refer to something

There's a standing bounty the first person that gets it posted on the subreddit of what we're discussing on the episode gets all the karma So go get it. Yeah, you're looking for a guy who's like dangling on a zip line pretending to be dead okay well you made me go back to the subreddit have you seen the video labeled mark's parkour oh i did i did it's just a guy taking a header off a second story parking garage i mean it's it's it's exactly the thing that's yeah that's what i did all right i mean honestly that guy landed more gracefully than i did if you go to the subreddit there's a post on there about five days ago as of the recording let's check out that subreddit yeah i like the part where it looks like he knows he's like my feet are perfectly in position to land and then he just keeps rotating yeah no

that that honestly probably hurt way less imagine that but straight on my butt that's what i did probably hurt way less and just imagine that but straight on my butt that's what i did all right mark you have a story i do yeah what is it santa's big goodbye okay so this is like oh yeah i forgot the title yeah so this is a this is kind of a thing that's been following me for years not following me but just like it's always stuck in my mind for just a way to go out if you really wanted to traumatize as many people as possible on the way out so it all starts with a rooftop right and a santa costume so you want to get a nice roof and a nice santa costume and so you stuff the santa costume with as many toys and like presents as you possibly can. You want them nicely gift wrapped. You want them nice boxes, thick boxes, you know, and you want to stuff it in

every corner. So like, instead of like having a suit that's stuffed with like stuffing to make you look big and jolly, you would have presents in there. You would also have explosives. So mostly fireworks. So you just want a lot of fireworks. A lot of fireworks. This sounds like an idea from my idea thread. I mission fireworks. No, this is an original idea. Calm down. So what you do is you, you stuff it all with as many presents with like thick boxes that could survive the fireworks and you just stuff it with as many fireworks as possible. And then you get to a rooftop and you get some spotlights on you or something and you start going, Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

And you get as many children and happy family to gather around as possible as you're gonna do your big Santa's display. And then at the opportune moment when as many people get there as possible, you jump from the rooftop, detonate the fireworks, explode in a burst of fiery colors and then presents and bits of you will rain down on the crowd and everyone will get a present and maybe a piece of shit and that's the happiest funeral you could ever hope for that what see i thought that your idea was gonna be santa in a casket with a giant erection

what yeah what's that well we talked about the erections right before santa no before he gave his time i don't think those were related no they were not related i now know that they were not no the exploding santa present is very different this whole time wait it's just like yeah he's gonna do it a big old boner i was like yeah here it comes come on give me the erection i that's not a sentence i expected to say that's not where i thought that was gonna go i gotta be honest where did you think it was gonna go i thought it was gonna be some kind of weird santa costume prank where the dying wish is to be displayed in open casket funeral dressed as santa or some kind of thing no no no i think part of the original is you also try to swallow as many presents as possible like

you try to just shove them in you however you can like get as many presents on your body wait wait mall santa instead of like them coming to sit on your lap you just have the casket laying there and they come to come sit on your casket and take a present on the way out. Oh, no. I love that. They're going to be like, Santa, I really wanted a new Barbie this year. And just like someone comes over,

opens up like the dead dude's jacket. Like, here's a Barbie. The mall elves are like really bitter because they're all going to lose their jobs. Every kid sits up and is like, I just really wanted like a scooter and the elf comes over he's like yeah well santa wanted to live here's your yo-yo get out of here i wanted to get my 401k god i love that just all the elves have to wear black and red instead of green and red. Mrs. Claus is just sitting nearby just bawling all the time. Yeah, there's not traditionally a mall Mrs. Claus,

but you hire a mall Mrs. Claus to be a mourner. He's got like that weird uncle. Santa's got a weird uncle who's walking around just talking nonsense, like not dressed appropriately for the occasion. Sounds kind of just like a normal funeral oh yeah but the kids don't usually get presents at funerals i don't think do they the kids that go to this don't fully understand it and for years to come they're brought to other malls and they see the santa they just run up and they're like you're not real you're not my real santa start beating up dead santa in the casket you're not god can you imagine, just funerals for other, like, important childhood figures? Like, if Mickey died and they had to do a parade for Mickey's corpse.

Like, just roll the casket down the main stray of Disneyland. They go to, like, some epic cathedral. Like, everyone's coming in from around the world to pay their last respects. Someone way too serious takes control of Disney and is like, a mouse couldn't live forever. We need to teach these kids some lessons about life. You think a dog named Pluto is going to live for 70 years? You think that's real?

You know how long my dog lived? Start killing off characters. The whole Disney world just converted into weird funeral procession parades all the time. We don't need a Mickey the Mouse. We got a Jimmy the Tax Collector, though. You want to meet Mickey? Well, you're going to meet Sam, Mickey's grandson.

And he's not as funny. It's not his fault he didn't want to take all the family business is it he just wanted to be his own mouse no no he's gotta wear the tuxedo and the gloves god man god i love disney i love disney that's the problem with like all these characters that have lasted forever yeah the weird surreal nature of them not aging is starting to become revealed to me and like hearing some of them like the voice actors do a really good job but like sometimes you can definitely still tell a difference like from the voice actor that you grew up with versus like the ones that are there now and they don't even sound the same like i don't know how many of you guys watched the return of jafar but just like

going from robin williams to i think the voice actor for homer simpson doing genie just was so unbelievably jarring to me that my childhood brain couldn't rationalize with it you know what i mean i have to listen to it i just don't remember i actually didn't have a problem with the fact that what's what's his name dan castellaneta i like him and i thought he did a totally fine job of the part oh yeah but it's like not being able to separate his fundamental voice from Homer Simpson made that a really confusing crossover for me as a kid. Yeah. Because I was a big Simpsons fan and I really liked the original animated Aladdin when I was a kid.

And like now I'm disappointed in how what happened between Robin Williams and Disney and how they sort of screwed him. And there's a whole story there. It's kind of interesting. Yeah. And I don't like that. As a kid, i didn't really care that much i liked robin williams but i didn't have an appreciation but it was having homer simpson as the genie was just so wrong yeah i could not hear that yeah it's super weird i

couldn't understand it well i mean as a kid it was like i thought i was crazy like because i didn't understand the concepts of like voice actors and like people playing different roles at different times so i would like put in the vhs for return of like voice actors and like people playing different roles at different times So I would like put in the VHS for Return of Jafar and be like and then I put in the VHS for Aladdin I'm like, oh no Robin what happened to you? Silence is good. I like silence. Yeah silence. I was literally just looking up the voice to hear what it sounded like. Oh my god, that is jarringly different. I don't think I ever realized it was a different voice actor as a kid.

But now, even just listening to that short clip, it's like that little thing where you shake your shoulders and you get a chill down your spine. I just did that. It's not terrible. It's not a terrible job. It's just so different. You can feel the difference.

And actually, it's funny that you mention it, Bob. The whole story with Robin Williams and all that stuff is... Who was in the wrong there was it disney for like using his image in advertising that he didn't want or something like that yeah i haven't refreshed it in quite a while but it was something like that where he agreed to do the part of genie as long as they did not use his likeness to promote the movie more than like 25 there was so there was some term about that where he was like don't sell the movie with me yeah sell the movie and you can include me because i am in it and then they heavily turned the marketing towards genie and towards robin williams as the genie and it was yeah i think that was the heart of that where he he was then just really peeved he was like

we had one thing yeah like which is funny because i think that was actually kind of the crux moment for animations transforming from just like there were good actors that did voices for animation but they weren't like marketed specifically as like this voice actor or this actor did this voice which is like commonplace in animation and especially 3d animation today like they sold the whole like emoji movie just on the people doing the voices but like this was kind of like the start of it of getting stars to play these roles to enhance the sellability of a movie which is interesting there was an article about this just came out two months ago and apparently i'm sure we'll hear about it but we know we just found it this is a pretty heavily covered topic wait i'm surprised it's not something you've come across yeah it probably is there's like an article every year that's come

out about it yeah he was in a lot of disney things i didn't realize how many he was in robin williams yeah i mean i'm thinking about it like i could probably name him off but like just off the top of my head i wouldn't know how much he had done because i think of him as genie i don't think of like flubber and uh i guess was he in fringoli was mrs doubtfire disney like i don't know which ones were disney which ones weren't but i flubber was definitely disney yeah i love flubber yeah i think so that's like a classic that i haven't seen since like it's time not because i don't like it i just like i just haven't watched it man i watched that as a kid so much that i broke the vhs because you know for those who don't know it with a vhs tape every time you play it like it degrades it just a little bit and so like playing it rewinding and playing it

again and again and again makes the vhs worse and worse and worse and it got to the point where it just broke all together it just would not play anymore and i was so sad apparently like good morning vietnam was a disney film i didn't realize that or like made by at least five i guess disney makes a lot of stuff that's not like kid cartoons but i would not be surprised if there's a disney weapons division like it would not shock me no yeah all right look one you both missed the concept of a funeral by a little bit but i'll allow it because it's kind of a funeral it's an impromptu funeral but where i was thinking this would head and what i'm genuinely curious about is how do you feel about your funerals on my funeral because i sort of imagined you know this would lead towards us talking about

ourselves as we are want to do but it didn't at at all. But like, I want my funeral to be happy. And I know that's not like super realistic because it's a sad thing for anyone that actually liked me, you know, friends and family and whatever. But like, I don't know. It's a very complicated topic and I'm by no means an expert or have a lot of experience on funerals and how people feel about death. But like, I really want mine, and maybe this is cliche at this point, I really want mine to be happy. I want people to like, remember all the fun times we had and move on. Because the idea of someone reminiscing about me or being hung up on me or feeling incredibly sad because of me, one, makes me feel pretty guilty because I don't want to make people feel that way and two it's kind of a waste like everyone gets their lifetime you get your lifetime that's the

deal it's not something that's easy to cope with but you know in your lifetime is however long it is depends what happens and what happens to you but have you guys thought about this at all how you might want your funeral to be or how you feel about the idea of your funeral to an extent i mean you i i think i like the way you put it you know people just kind of celebrating your life and moving on but at the same time part of me wants to like have made such a big impact that there's just copious amounts of mourning and months and months of guilt after they move on for me like you know molly or whatever and she gets married again like you know at least five to ten years of just immense guilt for moving on from my death would be great everyone being so

hung up for years and years that they just can't look at a bald person about being like man i miss wade no no not me no well this is why i want my death to either be like so rare that it's more fascinating that i died you know like it's such a bizarre case like some animal that should not have been able to take me out managed to take me down or something Or like too many hot chili peppers in a bathtub exactly Or I stubbed my toe in just the right way that my pinky toe bone shot right up to my brain Something that's such a freak accident that people can only talk about that and can't be sad About the fact that I died the kind of thing that you name a disease or a disorder after.

Or my death is so hilarious from my lack of ability to keep myself alive in whatever moment and precarious situation I was in that they can't help but laugh when they see my mangled corpse. Yeah, I mean, really, I, you know, hopefully we all live long, happy lives and people are there, they pay their respects or whatever they need to do. I don't really care what happens to me. I feel like once I'm dead i'm probably just dead there might

be a religious aspect to it there might not be i don't really know i don't know what the future of after death holds but assuming that i'm just like dead and gone or even if there is like a heaven and my soul goes up there it's like you know i'm dead my body's just here i don't care what you do with it make it into a table a coat rack rack, burn it, bury it, whatever. Just move on. I wanted to be a coat rack for a long time where I had my thumbs out and people would just hang their jackets on my thumbs. And I had this really morbid thought like 50 years after being made into a coat rack, I'm poorly maintained so the thumb just snaps off one day.

God, just imagine, it's like you walk in the door and you turn the corner and Wade's just standing there, eyes agape with his thumbs out like just hey we're doing real poorly financially there at the end so i'm really poorly like uh taxidermied my eyes are like different colors like one sagging a little bit god bad taxidermy is hilarious yikes just google bad taxidermy and just look at the images i don't know i guess i will i don't trust it i think some of them are on purpose these are staged i mean of course sure absolutely like those restorations we were looking at the horrible restorations you're telling me this one was intentional are you telling me that owl is completely intentional absolutely oh look at this fucking cat probably how that cat looked in real life and then uh

someone put this on the subreddit i guess this is why we need a website there's a lot of them you don't have to go far to find what mark is it. The ones that you posted are horrifying, Wade. Amalgamations made from the body parts of different animals. Yeah, that's no good. That's no good. Yuck. Well, gross. I'm grossed out now.

What if someone taxidermied me into an actual one of those little yellow minions? Like they just tried to crunch me into one. Well, you don't know that they're small, right? They could could be huge and you could be a human-sized minion that's true yeah well you do know they're small in the movies right they're the same size as the kids well grew could be a giant it could be a world of giants you don't know this that's true that could not be another well i'm trying to come with you okay what if it was just a freakishly big minion what if like a swole minion is there a swole minion has the one we'd found out of the No, they're probably small. Well, I'm trying to come with you. Okay. What if it was just a freakishly big minion? What if like a swole minion?

Is there a swole minion? Has anyone made fun of it? Just a dead minion. Yep, they have. There he is. Of course they have. There he is. I'm not going to look up the rule 34 of minions. I didn't look up the rule 34 of minion.

I looked up swole minion. That's pretty close. He's just muscly. Come on. What, is that doing it for you? Is there a porn of this called, like, instead of despicable meicable me it's like fuckable me why does your brain go to porn automatically we're gonna lose all our sponsors yikes because i'm looking at swole minion with his nip barely covered by his overall and that's doing it for you he's just a really muscular minion that's

what i look like man yeah that's me that's me when i'm dead they're gonna tax their me to that well and most of them don't seem to have hair or very little hair. So I've never watched the movie I thought minions only had like one central eye. Do they all have two eyes? There is one with one eye who is a specific character, I think. Okay. Well, never mind I guess I didn't know the ones with two eyes ex- Is that doing it for you? Is that doing it for you? Oh, yeah. Oh Peek at you peek at me. Yeah, how about that? Oh, Charmeander right into my bed. I'm sure you watch this episode a lot.

Oh, sponge me down, big boy. That's all I got for now. I'm not gonna- No one knows that we're looking at Swole Pikachu, Swole Charmeander, and Swole SpongeBob, but there we are. I'm imagining they figured that out. You're smart, right, listeners? Yeah.

Good. My puns were on point then. What were we talking about? Death. Yeah. I don't know. I don't care. Don't care about me. When I'm dead, I'm listeners? Yeah. Good. My puns were on point then. What were we talking about? Death. Yeah. I don't know. I don't care. Don't care about me.

When I'm dead, I'm just dead. Fuck off. Leave me alone. God, jeez. I dealt with you all in life. Don't make me deal with your tears. Holy shit. I'm sorry I brought it up.

Oh, my God. I survived you. You survived me. Move on. Oh, my God. There's more, move on. Oh my god. There's more people out there. Talk to them. Jesus, make a new friend. God.

Ah. Ah, man. Cool, cool, cool, cool. You're welcome everybody cool cool tight everyone's gonna come spit on my grave when I'm like good that fucker that's how you keep people from being sad

I guess so if the metric of happiness is lack of sadness I mean sure is that what you wanted Bob we appease you no I mean you got the Santa one. Oh, good. Yeah, that's really what I was looking for.

Hey, Jackass one actually took place at a funeral. There was a funeral happening. There was a casket. And the mall Santa funeral was technically a funeral. Location doesn't matter. Well, thank God that's true. Yeah, I've given you two funerals today. Yeah.

Three if you count my own. Well, I prompted you for that one, but I don't think that gets to count. I'd count it. All right. Good job, everybody, I guess. Yay, death. I was expecting that to get like dark or serious because I did. It was a topic where I was like, oh, this might get kind of dark or sad or I don't know.

You guys made it horrible in its own special way oh that's the distractible motto yeah great job everybody that's yeah horrific and i really love it it's good you're welcome i've been to enough sad funerals i get serious about sad funerals i just don't want to i'd rather focus on the silly and the dumb because real funerals kind of suck i've been funny instead of nightmare fuel but yeah that's whatever it's i'm just the host not my place uh i didn't give mark any points and i'm questioning whether or not he deserves any points right now that's my mind what i do have to pick a winner no i think i'm just gonna let it stand you know what if i had been inspired i would have given you points mark that's just how it is. I mean, I guess you're right.

Wade's story inspired me to give him points right away. Mark's story didn't inspire me to give any points to anybody. So the title of mine was the only points given out the whole time. That's how I won. Hell yeah. Yeah, that means today's winner, I guess, if I have to pick a winner, is Wade. If I had it my way, you'd both lose. My losing streak is broken. Thank you, Funerals. Thank you, everyone out there who's died to give me the inspiration for today.

I appreciate you. Well, I learned my lesson. Thank you to everyone in Jackass for stealing my idea and making another movie, I guess. I really don't think you get to take credit for that. I could try. Thank you, listeners, for listening to this episode of Distractible. Make sure that you follow this podcast or subscribe to it or click the plus button, whatever the thing is on whatever platform you use.

Make sure you do that. And then you'll get like a notification the next time there's a new one, which will be Monday because it's like every month. It's always on Monday. Everyone always asks. It's Mondays. Just Mondays. Really easy to remember.

You'd think people would remember that, but they still ask. Make sure you check out the Distractible subreddit. That's a fun place. Obviously, we draw content from there, and it's a good place to make fun of Mark for falling on his ass. And check out Mark and Wade on this podcast and nowhere else. Distractible. Listen to Distractible.

Make sure that you have listened to Distractible, all of them, multiple times. All 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30. We'll edit whichever one we're at. Really, I mean, more if I could just say all of them. Oh. But, you know, whatever. That's it. That's the end.

Wade wins. I don't like any of it. Really? No points? Podcast out.