Distractible - Hold My Beer

Episode Date: July 12, 2021

Wade hosts as Bob and Mark share some classic “hold my beer” moments from their college days… Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production, with your hosts, Mark the Magnificent, Bob the Brilliant, and Wade the Wonderful. This week, the terrific triplicity talk of tales of escalation, one-upmanship and outdoing the opposition. Yes, it's hold my beer time. Please put out thy munchies and enjoy the show. the judge and we have a fun one today boys but first mark bob how y'all doing um good killed my go xlr this morning or my non-brand mixer killed it killed it dead what'd you what'd you do mark how'd you how'd you how'd it break i spilled a non-brand nutritious liquid onto it and it instantly died and the strangest thing is that it screamed as it died. Like it's difficult to explain, but it sounded like,

we were actually in the call when that happened. Bob, do you remember what was, what was the last thing we heard him say? We literally heard from Mark said, like we were like getting ready to record something or do it. And Mark was just like, Oh God.

And that was it. Yeah, pretty much. And then he sent us this fun text. It's like, Oh, no, she's dead. It's dead. It's so very dead. Yeah, pretty much. I said, She dead.

Oh, she fucking dead. Oh, my fucking God. It's actually dead. That's what I said. That was our update as to why mark cut out i just hear a terrifying screaming that's just hear the sound of a thousand souls entering our realm i mean pretty much that's what it amounted to it was in pain and i had to put it out of its misery so and i'm gonna miss that thing that non-brand mixer that that lasted me quite a

while and it was a it was a workhorse and um now i got my old one that i don't like oof i'll order another one yeah i might i just might i'd recommend it i will how are you bob i'm i'm all right you know i'm i was during that whole thing i was sort of sitting here trying to think of what's happened to me recently nothing's ever gonna live up to the fridge my life went from being filled with rage about the situation to now every time i do anything and all my social media it's just a thousand people constantly being like but does your fridge work well does it yeah it's fine is your house covered in water in your yard nothing besides an ocean now no it's it's all it's back to normal now it's all fixed are there cables and cords and tubes all over the street still oh so that wasn't even the in the episode maybe this is a follow-up oh thing because we recorded that before i learned

that so if you didn't listen to the fridge episode which should precede this one in the episode i was pissed and it ended with the pipe in the backyard was broken. My backyard was pretty flooded and the fridge deliverers were incompetent. After the episode recording, I went outside and I saw something laying in the street in front of our house. And I was like, oh, that's weird. Like trash or something. When you buy a new refrigerator, they make you buy a water connection, like a new water connection hose thing.

It's like 50 bucks. And Lowe's is like like you can't buy a fridge without it so i did the guys who delivered the fridge left it in the box and as they were running away as they were trying to get away from my house that they had just destroyed terrified because i was glaring at them they must have been on the truck and one of them was like shit dude we got the hose we didn't put the hose in fuck what do we do we keep it and the guy's like no he bought that we can't keep that he might notice and the other guy's just like oh i'm gonna throw it let's go and they threw it out the back of the truck and i found it in the street in the packaging so i'm not i'm not mad about it

anymore but that was a hilarious like that, and I actually started laughing. I went from unbridled rage to, like, this is a cartoon, and those guys are incompetent morons. How did this happen? I imagine they were in such a hurry that one of them jumped in the driver's seat, like, was trying to turn the engine to get the vehicle rolling, and the other one hopped in the back and was like, I'm not even going to get in this chair, and, like, is trying to slam the big door closed, and they fridge out of sees the box just kicks it out and like slams the doors they

take off screeching and leaving like tread marks on the street yeah i was gonna say that you think they were looking out the window and they saw bob walking like the terminator towards them oh god throw the cable go jim it, Jim! Get out of here! And they fucking do a donut. This is like a rule of the universe. They look, and I swing open the door, and I'm standing like a statue, and they just hear, John, John, John, John, John! And they're like, oh, shit!

God damn it! Run! It's the Terminator! Or, I reckon, Jason emerging from the puddle of water, like you were in there, and you step out like dripping water. I don't know i can't imagine but like i must have scared the shit out of those guys i didn't threaten them or anything i'm just very large and i was about as angry as i've been in my entire life yeah it's kind of impressive honestly thank you incompetent refrigerator delivery men for giving me such a funny story to tell a great episode of distractible that everyone seemed to enjoy They seem to like it. So that's good. It was universal

I had people texting me being like that episode was amazing If you were listening to this and you haven't listened to bob's fridge episode yet If you're just finding distractible stop listening to this one unless it's funnier and go listen to bob's fridge for context 1000 But alas we have to move on from the fridge. And hopefully we have a good one in store for you guys today. Again, since I won last week, I'll be hosting. And I've decided that we should talk about some of our favorite,

either personal or friends or even just Internet stories of hold my beer moments. And whichever one of you gives me the best hold my beer moments will be declared the winner and can host next week's episode. Yeah, I've already got one for this. yeah oh good yeah but bob if you need some time we can probably insert an ad read or something right here oh oh oh it doesn't actually buy me anytime we're already on the other side of the ad right now you can go first though you yielding to me i I mean, I can give my title. Yeah, give your title. Let me think.

The title, Wade, for your consideration is The Day I Broke My Ass. You know what? I might have another one that goes with that too myself now that you mention it. Yeah, I know that you have some ass adventures in you. I sure do. All right. Well, that's relatable. relatable i like relatable you get 77 points oh well thank you thank you very much

i have a small story of me being a really dumb child yeah oh man we could do a whole episode on just dumb child moments oh yeah i think i need time i think i need more time i want to tell a story but i need to think about it. 14 points for your honesty. That's good. I guess by default, Mark, you get to go first. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, so it's not so much like a cohesive story with a proper ending, but we'll see where it goes.

It's more like a series of misadventures. And Bob, actually, you might remember this. You weren't there for it, but you might have seen the aftermath of me stumbling limping back to the dorm room in pain i do think i know what you're going to talk about yeah yeah because uh so it's freshman year at college in the university of cincinnati and me trying to be a social butterfly which i was not i wanted to do like an activity. So I don't remember how I was. There might have been a flyer for this or something, or maybe there was like a newsletter that was given out or a website that said something. But I don't think that this was a sanctioned activity because what

I tried to do was parkour. And it was like supposed to be a quote unquote beginner parkour thing, but there's really no way to do a beginner parkour adventure and it was just like I showed up at the place and we met in the parking garage in the University of Cincinnati and it was me and three other dudes and one of them had done parkour maybe and the other three of us were just like complete newbies getting in there and just trying to have an adventure. So really looking back on it, this might've been the stupidest thing I've ever done in my entire life, but I exuded confidence while I was there. I was like, oh yeah, I know exactly what I'm doing. Parkour, you jump around on stuff and you try to do sick leaps off of things and you do tucks and rolls, right? It's exactly like the episode of the office where they're like jumping on things and going parkour the ripe year of 2007 um so we jump

around the parking garage and i don't know why i was okay with this we were jumping around the fourth level of the parking garage it wasn't the one by our dorm like right next to us it was the one on the other side of campus by the engineering building that had like six floors by that big concrete tower and so we were leaping around there we're jumping around we would go like over the edge with like 50 feet below us and we would just like dance around there for a little bit and like shimmy our way across and so we actually end up like dropping down two floors anyway but the stairs or the ramp inside so like crawling around the building outside and i don't die at this point but we get down to the second level and it's time to drop from the second story and do a sweet tuck and roll into this

little grass patch and so the first guy goes and he goes like drop and tuck and roll and it's perfect and he's fine and then the second guy goes and he manages to do drop and tuck and roll and it's perfect and he's fine. And then the second guy goes and he manages to do it, a tuck and roll. And it's at this point that I realized they assumed I knew how to do a tuck and roll, which I had never done in my life. So there I am hanging off by one hand from the second story ledge of a concrete parking garage, looking at a tiny patch of grass that I'm supposed to hit. And in my head, I'm like, it can't be that hard. And so they're all giving me encouraging words. You can do it. You got this. And I'm like, I got this. I got this.

And so I drop. And when my legs hit the ground, thankfully they bent the correct way. But I didn't go forward at all. I landed from the second story straight onto my ass. Like 100% full on into my ass. And like the way the guys looked at me, it looked like they saw me die. Because I felt something pop. I felt like weirdly no pain, but like this stunned thing where you're like on the ground,

like, am I dead? Am I dead? And, um, I, I get up from that and they're just like, what the fuck are you?

Okay. And like, weirdly enough, I, I seemed to totally fine. I wasn't, by the way, I want to mention I was not okay, but I shook it off because I was like, I'm, I'm tough. I'm tough. I'm, I seemed totally fine. I wasn't, by the way, I want to mention I was not okay, but I shook

it off because I was like, I'm tough. I'm tough. I'm totally fine. So I decided to take this, this, uh, this, um, parkour adventure to the next level and go like, yeah, yeah, I'm totally fine. Uh, and then the guy behind me is about to go and, uh, he drops and instead of falling on his ass he fell on his face oh no like his legs hit he went forward he did not roll like 100 no roll right into his face and chest hit the ground and you just hear him go like oh god like just all the wind dropped out of him and he's desperately like on the ground trying to get a sucking breath and i kind of realized at this point we don't know what we're doing but i was in too deep uh so you know after a while we're just standing there we're looking at this guy dying on the ground we're like what do we do what do we do it's like we do? It's like the Brian Rieken joke of the kids. One falls,

and you're just like, get some leaves. Oh, God. Yeah, but put those on. Oh, is that helping? Yeah, 100%. It's exactly like that. But he gets up.

He gets up, and he plays it off like, I'm fine. But clearly, his ribs are broken. Straight up, his ribs are broken. And so he gets up.

He's like, I think I, I think I need, I think I'm good for today guys. I think I'm going to go lay down. It's just like, cause that's the fix of everything. You just go lay down.

You know, this is like college. We don't have health insurance or anything. I think this is pre Obamacare. Like we're not covered under our parents' plans at this moment. Like we don't have the money to take care of a broken bone. So, like, we're just going to go sleep it off. I'm pretty sure a long rest fixes almost anything.

Yeah, it just depends on the length of the rest, right? Yeah. It's like D&D. You take a long rest, you go back to full health. Yeah. So, it's like he stumbles off and we're watching him. We watch him walk away for, like, five minutes because it's just this long stretch of path and he's going real slow. And even if he wanted to go to the medical facility, it's on the other side of campus.

So we're watching him stumble away. About the time he disappears out of view behind, you know, those hills in like the Bob, you know, no one cares. There's these like grassy hills. Cincinnati is a very hilly campus. Yeah, I know. And so he disappears around the corner and we're just like, we look at each other, we're like, all right, let's keep going, guys.

You know, it's just like, and so we go over to this building. It's DAP for those who don't know. It's like design, architecture, art, and planning. Planning, that's the one. And so it's got interesting architecture which is apparently perfect for uh parkour yeah and uh so design art architecture and parkour and so at this point my spine has been hurting because at first it didn't hurt and then it started hurting and

bob you know like i don't know if you remember i don't know if i ever mentioned this to you but every time i would go to the gym after this and I would do an exercise that worked my spine, I would suddenly like hit the ground with crippling pain. Oh. Um, which afterwards, not even crippling pain. It was like a weird neurological thing where suddenly I got unbelievably nauseous and like my hands started like shaking and I had to just like go to the bathroom and lay on the floor in a stall and just like wait until I would be okay. And, you know, at the time I never connected the dots to me falling on my ass and possibly breaking something in my spine to this weird thing where I'd go to the gym and work my spine and I would be in horrible agony. Anyway, didn't have time to go there. Just a quick reminder, everyone,

like we're talking about these things and laughing about these things. Please don't do any of this dumb shit we're about to talk about and have talked about. Oh yeah, this is why it's a hold my beer moment. It's just like, you don't do this shit. Don't do it. Don't go to an amateur parkour class

with just like three buddies and jump around a parking garage. Like if your first parkour adventure is dropping from a two-story parking garage uh number one you're me and number two you're doing it wrong i mean so yes i a hundred percent that's correct you need to like learn how to do the simple stuff with before it's from you know death defying heights yeah was there any part of you that showed up to that and saw that it was pretty informal and so and everyone started doing stuff and you were like oh i don't i don't know

and then guys started jumping off the second story thing and you did you just look at it and be like all right let's go man or was there any part of you that was like maybe don't i'll take the stairs no man i wanted to be cool. I wanted friends. Oh, man. No, I mean, it's literally like that. And it sucks to say it, but just like, nah, man, you don't want to act like a wimp in front of everyone. That's such a dangerous mindset. That's what leads to all this dumb shit. It is.

It is. That's the exact same mindset. And, like, there's more dumb shit on the way because we get too dap and we start climbing up and like at this point you know i'm reaching up and trying to pull myself up and you know i'm not weak but it was like there was one part where it was pulling up again to a second story thing and i'm like i didn't know if i could pull myself up all the way and they weren't helping because they were already like running ahead of me, like jumping over shit. And I'm like, I'm hanging from a railing. And I'm like, oh, God.

And then I managed to get like the crazy adrenaline strength and pull myself up. And so we get to the roof. We get to the roof of DAP. Somehow we made up. And it's like not a short building. It's not an incredibly tall building. I think it's like three stories up on the roof. It's tall enough.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then we hear sirens when we're up on the roof. And, you know, Cincinnati, there's plenty of sirens. But for some reason, our brain, we're like, they're coming for us. They found out. We went into the forbidden zone. And like, you know, they're going to get us on this roof.

We've committed horrible crimes. So we all panic, right? So we panic and we run off and we go back a different way and we drop down a ledge. And then again, they drop down from this second story ledge onto this grassy part. And it's like a hurry now. There's no time to like debate about it. So I find myself once again hanging by one hand from a second story ledge looking down. But in my mind, in my mind at this moment, I'm like, okay, I went backwards that last

time. I'll go forwards this time. I know what my mistake was. And so I drop and I'm like forward, forward, forward, and then roll. I saw them roll on like their shoulder. And so my drop and I'm like forward forward forward and then roll I saw them roll on like their shoulder And so my legs hit the ground I go forward and I put a hundred percent of my weight right onto my shoulder And I don't move and it's just like I hit the ground my shoulder just Imagine someone just dropped in the fetal position onto the ground from two stories away. Well, thank God you did it the right way that time. Yeah, thank God you rolled forward and saved it. You'd think that I would have, like, after the first fall, like, okay, guys, can you show me how to do this roll thing?

Because it's clear that I don't know. No, that's not cool. That's not cool. You gotta be cool. And I can't believe they didn't say like, do you want like to practice or anything? Do you want us to like teach you? It's like, no, I must've made a mistake.

I'm a parkour expert. And that was just a flub. I hope they lost their parkour teaching license after this. I feel like I hit the ground and I'm just like I am down there for a while for a while and I'm like okay I'm okay

and I look up and they're gone they taught you didn't they they freaking destroyed my body and then bail I think the only way that could be better at all is if you look up and there's like two cops

just standing there just like we know where you were that's the forbidden roof this just goes to show you guys you do dumb shit you get friends for life play dumb games get dumb prizes right yeah man and i i just remember i low long walk because bob you know dap is literally on the other side no that's like a 20 minute walk away from our dorm at least yeah and especially what i like my shoulder is like and my shoulder was fucked up for years after that well that's the main thing i remembered when you said you broke your ass i

didn't even remember that i remember your shoulder was absolutely destroyed yes and and i didn't go to a doctor or anything i just lived with not being able to lift my arm above my neckline on my left side god if you'd gotten help and you weren't in miserable pain the rest of your life what a loser you would have been which i don't remember so we lived in a dorm room together freshman year of college was that before or after your bed was lofted so you had to climb into bed every night this was way before this is okay way before god i could tell that it's just like that that was such i can't believe we survived that that's we have to tell that story now the

lofting the bed story because it's so fucked oh my god i'll kick it off and then you take it over like so it's back from winter break right so we each went our separate ways and i think we became good friends in the first uh quarter at that point we were gaming a lot playing like guitar hero like we were friends at that point what year was this like freshman year 2007 freshman year yeah college so this would have been january 2008 when this this next story and the parkouring also happened the same time right oh yeah no parkour was in the fall right when i got there i was like i'm gonna get out there and i'm gonna try things and then i learned my lesson to never go outside never tried anything again i really didn't i didn't try anything we're going from like

september fast forward straight to january got it yeah yeah uh so i come in from winter break i i open the door and you know bob's there and i'm just like let's loft the beds like i don't think i said hello first i think i like walked in the door and was like, you want to loft? You want to put the beds on top? Bunk them? You want to bunk the beds? And it's just like... Well, we'd have so much more room for activities that way.

I know. God, that movie hadn't even come out. I know. That's exactly what we were doing. We wanted room for activities. We did. That's exactly what we wanted. I know.

Like, we need more space for when people come over when we have all these parties. Obviously. We're cool, guys. You guys throw a lot of parties after this? Yeah, sure. Yeah. We definitely threw at least one. We did throw one. God.

Great. I can't wait to hear how worth it this was oh yeah so mark enters and so our current setup the way we had it set up because we didn't know each other going in we basically split the room in half right the way a lot of dorm rooms do it when you're with a stranger yeah one half was mine one half was mark so on each half there's like a bed underneath the bed you can fit there's a dresser and use some storage and then you have a desk and you have like a wardrobe yeah so there's the middle of the room but it's not that big of a room like if we were standing shoulder to shoulder we'd probably take up the whole width of the center of that room yeah so if you bunk one bed on top of the other you get like you know a corner of the room you get the whole corner for whenever you want yeah

put both the dressers under the same bed store your stuff in your wardrobe easy peasy but the way the beds are supposed to go together when you bunk them you're supposed to one lower the height of the bed that goes on top because when they're on the floor the bed is like all the way up on the highest setting it can go right so you can put stuff under it okay but if you leave it like that and then put it on top of another bed there's like maybe a foot between the bed and the ceiling yeah really legitimately so you're supposed to change that but that required like tools or i don't know knowledge we didn't know how to do that so we we didn't do that. Of course not. So we just took Mark's bed and we're just like, put it the fuck up there. The other thing about bunking, it was a whole system.

The other thing about this is other than the fact that you're supposed to one, ask for permission and to ask for help from adults, you're supposed to have these metal pins. So you stack one on top of the other, right? And they're not like large legs. They're supposed to be a thick metal pin in each of the four legs they stick into the bottom of the top head that lock it in place so that they can't slip off that seems crucially important right it's very important so we're looking at this and we're like yeah i don't think we need we can't adjust your bed i think and mark is like that's fine that's fine i'll sleep up high good air up high

it'll be fine like we get past that hurdle and then we're looking and we're like all right metal pins metal pins we don't have metal pins i don't want to go talk if we ask an ra if we can do this they'll probably be like no don't do that until you have to fill out a form or something we don't want to do that shit so what can we use in place of metal pins? And I don't know. I think it was you, Mark. I gotta give credit where it's due. We're sitting there like brainstorming

and Mark like goes into his wardrobe where his clothes hang up and stuff and turns back to me with a pair of scissors and a plastic clothes hanger. And is like, if we just snip this straight part of this clothes hanger, it's like metal pins. It was the perfect

size. It fit perfectly. It was the right diameter. I'm pretty sure plastic clothes hangers you can snap with your bare hands have the same tensile and shear strength as metal pins. So like, yeah, he looks at me and of course he holds up the scissors and then the thing

and i look at him and i'm like perfect how big do you think they need to be let's do this no hesitation at all oh yeah and my favorite part of this whole thing we trim them to the length we think they need to be we set them they're not exactly the same length we're not measurers okay we're doers yeah no why would you bother making sure they were even and uh we eyeball them to the same ish length set them all in we hoist the bed up really precariously set it on the pins one of the four pins was like half an inch longer than the other ones and it was half an inch too long so the bed the weight of that corner of Mark's bunked bed, which is now like 10 feet off the ground,

is not supported on the leg of the bed sitting on the top of the bottom bed. The weight of that bed is sitting on the plastic clothes hanger and there's like a gap between the foot of the bed and what it's supposed to be sitting on. And we look at that and it's like ah shit it's too long huh well i suppose we could take it back down and trim that plastic so everything sits and we sort of like i don't remember the conversation but we looked at it for maybe a second like 10 seconds total and then mark was just like ah fuck it of course

and just climbed up and so for the entire rest of that school year mark's bunk bed one quarter of the legs was supported by like a quarter inch thick piece of plastic you should be fucking dead when nothing happened nothing bad happened totally fine really well something did happen i'm like okay so you got okay you got to understand that like when i climbed in here, I didn't want to tell Bob that I didn't have a lot of room. Don't admit defeat. But let me just say, if I sneezed while I was laying in bed,

I would have broken my nose. Like, I would have go forward a couple inches, and I smack into the ceiling. But I hit up there, I'm like, oh, it's cozy. Like, this is why, like, I like the tour bunks, just like, because it was like a coffin. So in an odd way, I'm like oh it's cozy like this is why like I like the the tour bunks just like because it was like a coffin so in an odd way I did like it but then I remember like a few days after we did this one morning my alarm goes off or whatever it's like early and I'm like okay I gotta get out of bed and I had forgotten that I was in a bunk and so I like in a daze it's dark I like climb out of bed and just suddenly I'm falling and bob you gotta tell like what did this what did you think like i know you were asleep you

woke it up but i was like i fall and i don't remember what happened and then i was on the ground i mean so i was really sleep i'm not a morning person i wake up super slowly so i was laying in bed mostly asleep and it was like if you imagine what it would look like in a cartoon, if you're in an office building in a window office and somebody has leaped out of a window above yours and they come flying by your window like they're parachuting or something. Like, I'm just laying in bed and I just see Mark just like, Whoa!

And then Mark's just on the floor. And I don't even know if i rolled over like i saw that and then i heard you keep moving and i was just like oh he's fine i think he bumbled like yeah okay and i'm like yeah okay after i go you're okay but you you really like rolled out like you were just gonna put your foot on the floor so the way you fell was just like tumbling like whoa whoa fuck yeah god but that was the only time i made that mistake so um it was good after that like i remember laying in the bed and i could hear everything in the like dorm above me and it was like i heard people jumping around like partying i heard people have sex and i'm just like worth it we have so much room for activity somebody who was in one of the few dorms like right above us yeah had so much sex freshman year i know holy shit i like not to be super crass and I have no idea who they were, but they fucked.

I know. God damn. Mark was like nose deep in there. Mark is like, maybe that's why he liked it. Mark is like six inches away. Just like, can you smell stuff through,

through cinder block walls? I was like, Hey, good job, buddy. You got this. Way was like, hey, good job, buddy. You got this. Give him a pat on the back. Way to go, pal.

You're laying there trying to sleep. Finally, like the squeaking stops and the guy is like, oh, yeah, nice. Good night, Christy. Good night, Mark. And you're like, good night. Okay. God damn it. I reach up, give him a shoulder rub after.

Way to go, good night on a first name basis because your nose is so deep in their ship okay well that story which was just a spin off of your story is possibly better than the one i have but i do have god damn i've got my very own personal hold my beer moment i guess go for it i want to hear it i don't know did you have any more did you want to hit anything else no no that's it for now i mean our whole freshman year could just be nothing but these kinds of things but is this something fucking be better than them everyone just so fucking stupid we're so stupid we are no so i did i did want to say i do remember so i remember the parkour thing and i do remember so i remember the parkour thing and i remember mostly what i remember is when you came back then you were really like hurt at that

point and so yeah you kind of just like laid down and tried to relax we did our separate things but i remember thinking to myself like this fucking dude has his mirror's edge outfit on to go parkouring did you get a special outfit for that or did you just have clothes because i swear to god i had like gloves i got you had fingerless gloves yeah you had like one of those asymmetrical like zip hoodies and you had like a cross shoulder bag or something like you came back and i was like oh this is embarrassing look these are details i didn't want you looked like you were going to do parkour but i i remember just thinking like man fuck this dude loves parkour he's got the whole outfit and everything god god damn oh god i just wanted to look like i fit the

part you know walking like i don't know what i'm doing like oh yeah i know what i'm doing like like i i fucking went out and got a parkour cosplay outfit so that people would believe and then you just fell on your ass fell on your shoulder yeah yeah man yeah oh god man no those are details i wish not to have been revealed but it's okay it's cool i love the visual of you starting to roll both times and then just getting fucking planted and not being able to roll at all yeah that's it's so funny yeah it's hilarious yeah it is funny now because you're okay dude i have no idea if i'm gonna have like long-term spinal issues from that. Who fucking knows?

I'm probably okay at this point. I haven't had any pain. Did you ever see the guy that took five minutes to walk away again? No. Oh, he definitely died. He died in his sleep in his dorm room, 100%. I didn't even think about it. I was so focused on me, I didn't even think about it i was so focused on me i didn't even oh

no i mean to be fair probably the rest of those guys never saw you again either they're out there right now like having a beer like really shakily like you remember those two guys that died in college we should have never fucking gotten into parkour man god damn it those are the sixth and seventh guys we killed trying to teach people parkour. We always go to the second story too early. Fuck. God. Oh my god.

Okay. My story. Alright. The title of my story is The Longest, Coldest, shittiest night. Okay. The longest, coldest, shittiest night. Yes. So something people may not know about me when I was in college, I was a bit of a doer myself, not parkour, but I thought it'd be really cool at some point. I found this motorcycle on craigslist for real cheap didn't question why it was real

cheap just real cheap and i was like yeah you know what that's cool i like stuff that has motors i like cars and go-karts so probably a motorcycle fits right in with that so i bought a motorcycle on craigslist for cash you remember how much it was it's like 700 bucks okay for a fully functioning it was a honda cx 500 it's actually a really great motorcycle 1978 honda cx 500 very interesting motorcycle interesting engine interesting drivetrain the way i learned to ride was the guy who i was buying it from some random middle-aged dude in kentucky i messaged him and i was like i got the cash i can buy can buy it. And he was like, cool, cool, cool. Do you, uh, you want to come pick it up and ride it home? And my second message to him was like, Oh, you know, I've never actually ridden a motorcycle. I probably shouldn't ride it on the

highway. And this adult who, let me say, maybe should have thought better of this. Didn't say like, Ooh, I don't know if I can sell it to you young young man who's never done this before he was like oh it's no problem i can teach you which sure yeah so i meet him in a church parking lot and he teaches me how to ride luckily i my car was a manual transmission so i understood how a clutch worked because motorcycles by and large are manual transmissions i learned pretty quick i'm honestly i'm good at like driving and riding stuff. Good at go-karts. I like cars. It was easy, but I met him for 45 minutes in a church parking lot and then handed him 700 bucks cash. It was like nighttime, which I hadn't considered. I had a friend drop me off. I met him and then I rode from Newport, Kentucky back to where I lived right by the University of Cincinnati, which is like, you know, a half hour ride through complex downtown highways

through the heart of Cincinnati, where you have to go through some complicated interchanges and all this stuff. I actually got home. No problem. Literally by sheer luck and dumb idiocy i got home so i know i had a motorcycle and i i went and i got my license and i well again i temporary license so i could learn and i registered it and all this stuff i did the whole thing and i got body armor and i got a helmet i didn't have those things i had a helmet but i didn't have good ones when i rode at home and i was like all right i'm a motorcycle guy

now i rode this thing to school because you could park on campus motorcycles for free. I rode this thing to work because it's cool. I rode this thing everywhere. And then I was in a band at the time because I was a cool guy. And we got a gig at Ohio University, which is in Athens, Ohio, which is not close to Cincinnati. It's a hike. It was a bit of a hike. And I didn't know that.

And I was like, the drummer has to drive his big station wagon. I'll have him take my instrument and I'll just ride my motorcycle to this gig, right? I'll park right out front of the bar we're playing at and it'll be super cool. And I didn't think about the fact that this gig was in spring, early spring.

It's not that warm in Ohio in early spring. And I didn't think about the fact that I was going to be traveling after, I had a class I had to do and then I was going to leave in the afternoon so I was traveling afternoon to evening it gets down to like I don't know 40 degrees maybe 50 degrees at the lowest depending on the time of year I don't remember exactly and I thought to myself I know how to get to Ohio University you just hop on 32 east right you take whatever 275 whatever you want get to 32 east and it's like an hour away right and you just go to ohio university this was sort of in the days before you just pull your phone out and it tells you this was maybe in like 2008 2009 maybe so i didn't

check i have it in front of me if you take the google maps route from university of cincinnati to ohio university it's approximately two hours and 40 minutes yeah it's like a two and a two and a half to three hour drive and i have all my motorcycle gear at this point i have a nice jacket with kevlar armor in it in case i fall i have a good highly rated helmet i spent more on my safety gear than i spent on my motorcycle i was being responsible responsible. And I left for Athens at like maybe three in the afternoon, not super cold in the sixties. Maybe the thing I didn't understand until the moment I got on the highway and the next two and a half hours of riding is that if it's like 60 degrees outside ambient, you know, just that's the temperature. If you're going 70 miles an hour on a motorcycle,

that wind feels like 40 degrees. Yeah. And if it's like 40 degrees and the sun is going down because you're an idiot and you're in the middle of nowhere because Ohio is an abyss with five cities in it. It's 40 degrees outside feels like 20 degrees or lower on your poor hands that have literally no protection on them except mesh gloves. So I leave and like on my way out of Cincinnati, the first maybe 40 minutes is like chilly, but that's cool.

Like it's cool. I'm on a motorcycle. That's cool. And the sun starts to lower and lower. The temperature starts edging down and reaches a point at like an hour or an hour and a half and it reached a point where i was like okay this is cold like fuck like do i turn back and like but i have the gig i have to be there we play a gig at like 9 p.m or something right so i have to be there i have to get dinner like i can't turn back can't stop committed at

this point gotta be there for the boys gotta show, gotta get paid for this gig, gotta have some beers with the boys. And it gets, so like an hour and a half in, like really cold. Like imagine it's windy, it's 70 mile an hour winds, and it's freezing out. And my hands are just going numb, which is not great on a motorcycle. You really need to be able to move all of your fingers to do all the parts of a motorcycle. I didn't even think about that. Like, yeah, if your hands don't work, you can't work the levers, you can't do anything. You kind of just kind of freeze in place.

Yeah. My feet start to go numb, which is the only other thing you have to work the controls. You need both hands, both feet, to do all the parts of a motorcycle, to shift and work the brakes, and to not fall over when you stop. I start to get so cold and so miserable.

My head is down trying to keep the air from blowing up into my helmet because it's a closed helmet, but it doesn't have a closed neck. And it's like blowing down my shirt, blowing up my sleeves. I'm dying. I'm shivering. And I'm in the middle of nowhere. And I'm like not thinking about anything other than like wiggle your fingers, wiggle your toes. Don't freeze to death. And then suddenly in the middle of nowhere, darkness. It's literally just me with my 30 or 40 year old motorcycle and it just goes

it dies i'm 70 miles an hour engine cuts out not a soul in sight it's basically dark at this point i pull off to the side of the road kick the stand down and i'm standing next to it like shit like what do i even do like i haven't seen a gas station in like half an hour i guess i walk forward and see what happens it strikes me at this point because i'm an idiot motorcycles generally have a main fuel tank and then like an auxiliary tank that's like an extra gallon or half gallon or something so when you run out of your main tank you switch to your auxiliary tank and that's your signal like, get some gas. That's the like empty light turning on, right?

I didn't know that. I stood there for like half an hour. It's getting later and colder. I'm shivering. I call a buddy. I call my dad and he's like, I've never, I haven't had a motorcycle. You fucking idiot. Why would I don't have a motorcycle?

That's my, that's my solution. Finally, it strikes me like oh you know what in my 40 minute motorcycle lesson he showed me there's a little switch petcock to turn it to the auxiliary tank i wonder yeah and i turn that and it starts back up now it's like totally dark out but at least i'm moving yeah and continuing to freeze the next hour of the trip i pulled off at every gas station just to go inside and buy something hot and buy another pair of gloves or a shirt or whatever the fuck they had. It's gas stations in the middle of nowhere, right? But like I get to the first one, they have like work gloves and I'm like, yeah, stretch that shit out over my motorcycle gloves.

And they have like dumb, stupid NASCAR t-shirts or something. And I'm like, yeah, whatever biggest one you got putting it on i'm like layering i put on all the clothes i had on my backpack because i packed for like two nights the idea is i'm going to this gig and i'm going to drive up to columbus to see my parents and show my cool motorcycle they'll love that and then i'll drive back to school and um i put on all my clothes two pairs of pants all the socks, everything I've got. I head back out after the first gas station.

No effect whatsoever. In fact, it's way worse because I was just inside for like 20 minutes and it's kind of warm and you know, you get tingly, your fingers tingle,

your skin is like itchy. I get back on the bike. Now I'm itchy and fucking cold as hell. Like just miserable. Every gas station i see i stop just to go have a cup of coffee i hold a cup of coffee in my hands and then i throw it away because i don't even drink coffee because i'm a college kid i lost feeling like all the way up my arms and legs finally one of the last stops i make again thinking this would be like an hour-long

bike ride i'm like two hours in stopping every time so what should be two hours and 40 minutes of drive time took me four hours total to complete with all the stops the last or second to last stop i make i don't remember for sure i'm so numb i get off the the state route i park up go inside i'm like warming up my hands my phone is dying because at this point in human history phone batteries didn't last that long because it was when smartphones were a thing but they sucked yeah so my phone is like dying like if i crashed that's it i'm dead that's how i die and uh i'm super numb being inside doesn't even help on my way out i get on my bike i can't feel my arms and legs still and i'm by myself at this point and i'm just going to pull back onto the highway and just try and get to Athens.

Just go for it. And I can't feel my feet. And I laid my own motorcycle down on my own leg. Oh, no. Because I couldn't feel my arms and legs. I literally pulled up to turn onto the street and just put my feet out and was like, all right, I'll just look for traffic. And suddenly I'm just falling over. Yeah. And I have no control. I think I hurt hurt my leg but i couldn't feel it i laid the bike down onto my leg scratch

the shit out of my bike scratch my fancy new helmet everything hurts everything's numb fart i eventually got there drank so much beer because everything hurt and was cold forever played a gig i don't remember the gig i only remember the cold but that had to be the coldest longest most miserable four hours of my entire life and like i can't believe i survived there were literally moments where it was me in the middle of woods pitch black on a highway on a motorcycle feeling like i was about to freeze to death and fall over damn motorcycles are cool right how many more trips did you make on that motorcycle i actually used it for a while after that but i never again did i do a road trip on it i rode it around campus and i zipped from work to school and whatever how was the trip back well so the

rest of it was during the day okay the the plan was i had the gig that night the next morning i woke up my buddy actually drove down from columbus to see the gig and hang out and he drove in a car so i sort of followed him on the highway as like a little bit of a wind break and it was in the daytime sun it was cold like it was still only maybe 60 degrees out so it's chilly but it's totally bearable yeah and i had my buddy with me in his car if anything happened we got to columbus no problem the trip home it was actually kind of annoying because there's a lot of traffic because of construction which is just really boring on a motorcycle because there's no like radio and you can't relax you're just sitting on a motorcycle that's sort of overheating on the highway anyway it's fine compared to the trip the first leg of the trip joyous pleasurable even but

that fucking night on highway 32 trying to get to goddamn ohio university i've never gone back and i never will fuck you athens the lesson learned is screw athens Ohio. I blame them completely for being so far away from Cincinnati. God damn it. Oh, so you took 32. That's like the longest possible route according to this. No, there's not a shorter route. What's the shorter route? Yeah, what's the shorter route?

So looking at this, the shorter route is to take 71 north and then take 35 and 50 east. That's not shorter. Time-wise, not mileage-wise. I'm east. That's not shorter. I'm wise, not mileage wise. I'm looking at time, not mileage. This guy, you didn't even know. He didn't even know. No, I mean. Plus, if that's looking from where you live, then maybe.

No, it's from University of Cincinnati. Ah, nah. Nah. I'm just saying, man. I'm just saying. Nah, man. Look, well, that's the thing, though. I didn't even check. I knew how to get there back in the days when you just knew like oh i take 71 to get to

columbus and i take 32 to go to athens i didn't even fucking look i didn't have gps i didn't have printed out map quest directions or anything i just was like yeah i know where that is and went which i can't imagine doing right now as an adult and i know where things are who does that i would never do that you do that mark actually don't you yeah i do that of course i do that fucking psychopath what do you mean what if you go the wrong way what if i don't think of the wrong thing oh i know the way if you drive an hour in the wrong direction i look at the stars i guide my way no i like i i don't know i've always been good at directions i can't i can't help it i just know you and your car like oh man i could use this

like fancy map overlay but ah the star there's the north star i know where i'm at perfect i know how to get to i don't know west dale la i'll just look at the stars i don't know it's late when i'm driving i i don't want to look at a map like that's why it's kind of like why i always orient maps north because then i have a fixed point of reference and I kind of know things. But I'm always looking at landmarks. I'm trying to, you know, trying to gauge where I am, always trying to like get memorable locations and feel out which turns I'm making. I don't know.

I think it harkens back to like the type of games I played when I was a kid. You know, I would always just like, I loved figuring out the layouts of maps and stuff like that and kind of like putting them in my head so i would always remember them and i could know where secrets were and i would replay games a lot so yeah no no i don't know man it's concerning yeah probably i will say being a passenger in a car that you're driving like when you've picked me up from lax when i visit and stuff before you always look like you know where you're going but it always feels like i just got into a taxi not an uber a taxi and i was like yeah take me to you know take me to studio city or something

and the guy's like uh okay yeah okay studio city doesn't put anything in and we just start driving and the whole time i'm just like okay you probably know he knows right he wouldn't just be driving somewhere he knows knows how to make that extra cash. Because sometimes when you're driving, Mark, you look around and you're like, oh. Oh, no. Okay, no, I know where we are. And everyone in the car is kind of like, huh? This is not a good time. We've been driving for two hours.

What do you mean, huh? I didn't know this was the kind of response I was getting in the backseat of my own car. Like, everyone's questioning my every move. It's just a little unnerving. It's unnerving. It's perfectly nerving. Get your nerves back. It's your fault, not mine.

I have no nerves. Do you guys know Jesse, our friend Jesse? Yeah, I do. Yeah. You've met him, right? I'm familiar. Okay. So he and a friend went down to like, I think Mount Adams and went drinking a couple of

years back now. And I guess they called a taxi or an Uber afterward. And they were so drunk that they actually passed out in the back of the taxi on the way home and so the fucking driver instead of taking them home does the whole 275 a loop to increase their fare wow oh my god oh my god and they wake up like an hour hour and a half into like what should be like a 30 minute ride and they're just like yeah pull off here and a half into like what should be like a 30 minute ride. And they're just like, yeah, pull off here.

And they have to pay this exorbitant tax fucking fee. And then their dad, I think Jesse's dad came to pick him up. Oh, they paid it? Fuck that. Oh my God. I would be on the phone or the chat or whatever. I would not pay for that shit. Well, they were drunk as fuck. So I don't think they were thinking very well at that moment.

That's nuts. But yeah, dude fucking drove around the loop to increase their fare to say yes a lot of them do know where they're going oh that's so scummy that's why anytime I get into an uber or a cab I also look up the directions to make sure they're taking the fastest route and if they're not I'm like hey actually you should get on here make it a little bit faster I'm that guy Wow the worst kind of passenger to be fair they've always pretty i've never actually had to do it but i'm always ready i question mark but never once did i gps him okay i let him do it well not mark because mark doesn't charge a

fare for us to go somewhere i don't care if mark ends up in the wrong spot i just want to have quality time quality time no i mean in la like the cab drivers i feel like are in such a hurry to get their next fare because they're always busy well probably not now as much normally uber drivers that they take all the middle like inner roads in la and that's the fucking worst like i've had like a ride back from lax to where i was living before. And it's like GPS told them to take a left turn across a six lane road. Oh God. It's literally like looking left, looking right.

I'm going to inch out into traffic. They'll stop. You just have people like looking at you like, Jesus Christ, this fucking thing. And then like behind you, like more cars are trying to like, oh, my chance. Oh, we have a leader. And then, you know, you know huge and i'm sitting

the passenger seat i'm just like no please anything but this that's the worst too i've been my least favorite type of uber experience is when you're in one of those cars that's in a left turn lane where it's just hopeless like that yeah but you're one of the back ones and there's like a tiny gap and the one car at the front is like this is my chance and the next six cars are just like yes our chance and they just pull out into oncoming traffic and you're like i should never sit on the passenger side holy fuck were you guys in the uber in boston where we made the mistake of telling the dude we were in a hurry and he drove down the double yellow line with his finger middle finger out each window the whole fucking way and then he demanded us give him like a 30 tip before we were allowed to get out dude ubers in boston are terrifying never tell one you're in a hurry ever oh yeah it's a challenge

anyway any final thoughts before i uh award points and wrap this one up no but we should remember for a future episode to do like dumb childhood stories and just a whole episode on all the freshman year escapades that Bob and I had. Yeah. Just like, good God. Well, this is just Hold My Beer Part One then. We'll have a follow-up coming sometime down the line. Oh

man. Okay. How do I want to award points here? Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Bob, you tell stories so good. I'm just going to give you a thousand points for being a good storyteller. Alright. You got 14 for being a little bit late on the title. Mark, you got 77 points.

I don't know. I feel like Mark told a story and then led to a second story that Bob helped with, but it was still like Mark drove a lot of conversation today, so however many points Mark needs to win by one point, that's how many points I award. Mark, you win.

I eked the victory out. You eked it out. Just barely. By being the dumbest one in the call, you win. Congratulations. Don't do any math or anything. God damn it. Thanks, man.

Thanks, man. Appreciate it. I'll take the win. I feel like I really made the bunk bed story by telling my part of it, but that's fine. Hey, I was like, we should make that collaborative it wasn't together but you know to be fair it was mark's nose in the sex and his body at risk on the coat hangers and him that fell out after breaking his shoulder in his ass already that was a hell of a year a lot of a lot of stuff that year man a lot of falling yeah a lot of falling for me that's of stuff that year, man. A lot of falling.

Yeah, a lot of falling for me. That's kind of like a habit in my life. Hey, I fell out of my much lower bed too, and that was pretty scary. A foot off the ground versus like eight feet. Hey, like five feet, four feet off the ground. Four or five, maybe even six. I don't know.

I'm stunned that I didn't get hurt. Like, because it didn't hurt at all. Like, I knocked the TV over. I felt like my shoulder landed on the fridge. Like, I landed perfectly in that little gap in between your bed and the fridge. And it was like, there was a stool there. You should have absolutely broken your neck on the TV or the fridge or something. Because you shouldn't have lived.

I shouldn't have lived through a lot of things. We should both be dead moral of the story don't do dumb shit out there be smarter than they were looking at you college freshman yeah this podcast is a cautionary tale if ever there was one please literally

don't do this dumb shit we will not be held responsible for any dumb shit you decide to do but don't do it yeah we refuse we refuse to be held responsible just like Mark's still held responsible for any dumb shit you decide to do, but don't do it. Yeah, we refuse. We refuse to be held responsible. Just like Mark's still not responsible for his actions, we won't be responsible for yours. A hundred percent. All right. Well, thank you guys all for listening to Distractible brought to you by Wood Elf.

Make sure you subscribe so you can listen to the podcast anywhere and everywhere it is. Follow Wood Elf Media for the latest updates. Big thank you to Mark and Bob for joining. I'm Wade. You can find me, I don't know, on YouTube to Mark and Bob for joining I'm Wade you can find me I don't know on YouTube and Twitch and stuff where can they find you guys? Facebook right here on every Monday right here

that's true this is the best spot yeah every Monday download every episode on every platform on a new account and listen that's fraud we can't say that it is just use your own account your own account every platform on a new account and listen. That's fraud. We can't say that. It is.

Just use your own account. Your own account. Did I say a new account? I meant your main account. Yeah. Wink. Wink. Podcast out.