Distractible - Hoopst Was First?

Episode Date: July 13, 2026

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Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Bummer Bob, laughed and blubbering, burns with a blackstone, and propounds a game of provenance. White Wade forgets Mark's lung, barely avoids surgery bros to support Sputnik, Duku, and Flammables. Anti-monicist Mark witnesses Universal's mogging, parachute pandemonium, the Baghdad battery, and ball. From Coco Millennials to Cocaine. Ha ha! It's time for Hoops was first.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome back to another episode of Distractable, the show that many have called Cocoa Mellon for Millennials. Yes, no one, no one's ever said that. What is that? You know what Cocoa Mellon is? It's a thing for YouTube for kids.

It's like lots of fast motion and it's brain rot. Great stuff if you want to slowly go insane and hate what's happening around you. I thought it was like chocolate covered watermelon or something. But kids love it. Just like everyone else loves this show. That's the main takeaway. I am your host, Bob, because that's my name. The way the show works is the host does some sort of thing, game maybe, topic discussion.

The other two fellers. compete and the winner between those two host the next one. So I won the last one. I am hosting this one in my competitors for today. Are Mark and Wade. Oh, it's me. Yeah! It's Mark and apparently a statue of Wade.

Welcome to the show, everybody. Everybody's looking really alive and definitely human, especially Wade. I have what I think is going to be a real... Stinker's not good. I was going to say a real stinker of the game. No, it's not going to be stinky at all. This game smells great.

This game is going to be the best smelling game we've ever played. I could never be. Sam, zoom in on my face. You see this face? I can never be sad. I'm so excited to be here. Can't wait for this episode, Bob. Woo!

I'm going to give Wade a preemptive pity point because I have a good feeling about Mark for today. Yeah. Before we get to my absolutely shitty, useless piece of crap game, apparently, uh, how are, let's do small talk? How's everybody doing? How is your time since we're? we last spoke, which was not quite a week this time, but boy, was it a not busy, not quite a week. Everything is coming up, Markiplier, I think, which is an expression that people had to explain on the

subreddit or not this. I can't remember it was this subreddit or my subreddit, but I said that in a stream. Everything's coming up Markiplier and someone was very concerned, made a post that was just like, what the fuck is this a reference to? What does this mean? Is this some cryptic hint for a future project? And someone would be like, no. I'm not saying shit. I'll guess it right. Yeah. Wade,

what does it mean? Okay. Coming up, Markiplier, you've done heist. You've done space. What if you're coming up by going down into the ocean? His favorite place, go on. Air comes up in the ocean because density. And so, well, maybe air.

Maybe I'm going to make a movie about a submarine or something and in an ocean. Ah, Wade, you're so close. Nothing tremendously exciting has happened, which is kind of a good thing. There was Fourth of July where we watched the Universal Fireworks from outside of the park, which was so funny because it was the Universal Fireworks, and we were there, it was going to be like 9 o'clock, and we were watching it from a building across the way, and it was like, ooh, it's going. And then they got absolutely mugged by this, like, it was a country club or a golf course or something

where a bunch of, like, golf dads got a bunch of, like, golf dads got a bunch of, fireworks together. The Universal one was over in like 10 minutes. It was supposed to be 20 and then it was just like 10 minutes. And then this other one went on for like 40 minutes like shish and the finale was like everywhere. It was awesome. That's pretty silly.

I'll take credit for the 4th of July. Wade cannot use that anymore for his small talk. The America's 250th. Did you guys see the video of the paraglider coming in or the parachuter coming into that one country fair? I don't know if he

got hurt horribly, but he's like, he's trailing a big American flag, and it's like, dun-da-da-da-da-da, and then, but there's a lead weight at the bottom of the flag to keep it, like, taught, and it gets caught on a tree, and he's just coming into the stadium for like a football stadium or something, or a small one, like a high school, it catches, you know, just like straight down, like, fulcrum, right into this, like, pop-up tent. It's, uh, I hope he's not hurt horribly, but it is comedians. Dick how fast it was like like a Simpsons moment or a family guy cut away

That the second incident this year Or was it last year that the guy was going to like the college football stadium Or whatever it was and got stuck on the scoreboard That was I think this past college football season But that was just normal parachute shenanigans That wasn't I have the video if you want to see it Only if you just hold up your phone To the camera and that's how we have to watch it

I don't have any more apps like that on my phone phone, that was another thing I did is I deleted all. Oh, Lord, what do you do when you poop? Just sit there? You sit to poop? What the hell? Oh, I don't poop in the urinals, no, yeah. So this describes it's horrifying, so I'm hoping that he's okay, but you be the judge of whether it's horrifying. I mean, that's a really epic shot.

And... Oh! I... He's not coming away completely unscayed from that. Oh, he's up! I wouldn't be surprised if there were several many broken things, but he seemed to be moving. I'm going to say he survived so it's okay that we could kind of laugh about a little bit, but like, he's got a helmet and a big pack in front of him, so that probably took most of the

impact. It really is like it hooks out the tree. There's a moment of like, and then an animator could not make it funnier than what actually happened. Well, he was standing, so I'm sure he's fine. 250, baby. 250 years. We did it. And everything's going great. Got a good soccer team that are doing great as far as I've, I don't care about soccer, so I've checked, but I assume we're going to win that. I have been enjoying seeing all the international people enjoying America for the first time. That's always a fun thing. There's a German guy who started to cry on camera, like a little baby.

About what? Like food or something, or was it the beauty? Just, they were like interviewing him. Like, it was like a local news, and they're like, oh, you've been having a good time. He's like, yeah, yeah, no, I end on. I was like, it's okay, it's okay, was it? I just really lived this country. America, I thought I was going to get shot.

I thought there was going to be lots of crime. I thought it was terrible. It's the best. America is, I love America. I can't believe it. He was like tearing up and the news guy was kind of like, okay, you're not in like a cool part of America. This is like Kansas or something.

Like, I don't know. It was somewhere like in the Midwest. No specific shots of Kansas. You're fine, Kansas. But yeah, it's been, it's been. good to see all that. It's really embarrassing that Universal got dunked on by a bunch of golf guys at their country club. That might be what it had been, but I looked on the map and that was the only place, yeah, it could have been an official thing, but I was like, man, Universal

really needed to step it up. Universal only had one plan and the golf guys put a hole in one. I'm on three hours of sleep. Saying it's not going to get you any more pity points, but I do appreciate that. Do you have small talk you want to talk about? So Mark claimed 4th of July. I just throw out 4th July. It was great. Went over to Bob and Mandy's not once, but twice that day. I had a great time. Swam in the largest hot tub in the Midwest. But we all know the real news. Tatea and Tratra got married. Oh my God. Oh my God. I don't really know anything about it though. That's not a real small talk. Wait, Mark, were you not invited to that? How embarrassing for you.

Is that why you went to Bob's twice because they got married over at Bob's? You were there for the... Yeah, I had to go for the reception ceremony. That was where the real ceremony was. All the Madison Square Garden stuff was a distraction. Gave away bags and apparently they gave away cakes outside. But there's still... There's a lot of...

People are mad they got married because they have money. Rich people are supposed to get married, I think. I don't know. I didn't get the gist of the argument, but it was something like that. Now, my real news is... X-ray, MRI, lots of doctor's visits, cortisone shot, physical therapy. But mayhaps, I'm dodging, sir.

My knee, no torn ligaments, no torn meniscus, just a defect in the cartilage, whatever that means. That's causing a lot of inflammation and pain, pain. I got a cortisone shot yesterday and I start physical therapy next Monday. When this airs, I'll be going to physical therapy. Isn't it a mystical realm? I don't know where it is because I don't even know where I am. I shall be secreted away. If that doesn't work after four or six weeks, we're going to revisit.

What is it, is the term labroscopic surgery where they do? just go and like clean things? Laproscopic. Laproscopic. Yeah, they're pros. Laproscopic. Not like amateurs. Not brosophic.

Surgery. This ain't no come amateur surgery. Can I just add some context to this? You've had your shoulder thing for a while and like I know that that hurts you sometimes. But like you're pretty much fine. If something happened like it's not like you would be that would stop you from, you know, fighting for your life or something.

He came over. We did hang out. And when he got to the house, he really wobbled very slowly in. Like I assumed he would just walk in and be like, ah, my niece jacked up. He was like, you seem like you need surgery. I really thought it was a torn meniscus.

I'm not going to lie. I really expected that. But it seems like your knee is way worse than you have been selling it as because we do these sitting down. So presumably, you know, like that doesn't really affect your ability to sit. But I hope it actually gets better because it seems way, way worse than I sort of was

thinking it was. Dude, I am so used to, I did not realize how much I just flew around the house like a psychopath, like skipping steps, running up and down the stairs and stuff, jumping over things. Having to move like this, I feel 90 years old. I'm like, here's a step. One foot, two foot. Breathe. One foot too, like clinging onto the handrail. Yeah, it's not good. Yeah. No, it seems pretty serious. I really thought there was some kind of tear. So I'm really glad there's not, but apparently whatever this cartilage defect is, is causing that air to be in inflamed, pushing things outward, which is causing other areas to inflame, which I guess is why I'm feeling all the extra pain. But we're hoping that PT, I'm going to be some kind of strong anti-inflammatory.

I've been on prednisone a couple of times, but now we're doing something else. The physical therapy, I got the cortisone shot. And hopefully that'll do it. If not, they'll have to go in and do something surgically to clean it up. But even if they do, it's still not as bad as a tear. So any luck, I'll be back to backing up Joe Burrow soon. What position on the bench are you? You're like fifth or six?

What's the line of succession to get to Bengals QB for everybody? I ever heard term 54th man? Wait, how many are they supposed to be? On a team, 53. Oh, okay, I see, I see. I'm right there. I'm next in line. I'm basically next in line.

After practice squad, it's me. There's an equipment guy sitting in the corner with a blank jersey and the letters to spell your name and a bunch of needles and thread, just like, oh, oh, say the word. Oh. I'm ready. Put me in, coach. I don't think I really have. We hosted a party.

Oh, I got to use my Blackstone. I'm a Blackstone guy now. So that's pretty fun. You know what a Blackstone is? It's a griddle, a cast iron flat top griddle. And I made burgers and beer brots and hot dogs and bacon. Yesterday for dinner, James was like, I want a grilled cheese. And I was like, I could just make it on the stove like I always do.

Or we could do the whole song and dance of going to the backyard and turn it on the Blackstone. And it was about the same as if I cooked it on the stove. But man, did I cook it outside? Well, thank God it's been great weather here, not ridiculously hot and human. Yeah, I didn't sweat at all right onto his grilled cheese while I was slaving over the Blackstone. Just like I didn't sweat on any of the burgers or anything that I cooked on Saturday either. That did not happen. Is that why they had extra flavor?

It all burns off. It just adds salt, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's basically just salt. Sam, screenshot Wade's face. I want that. Just I want it. It's tasty.

For my own reasons. You can stop. They can take the screenshot. You wait, you could stop it. I'm just contemplating how much of his food I ate. I did. I sweated elsewhere and then cooked the food. We're basically twins now.

There's enough of your DNA in me where we could just be brothers. Even Chica didn't like that. Did you hear her barking at that? Stop, stop. Stop. Hey, stop. I hate to tell you, but in kitchens, in, like, like, you know, restaurants.

It's hot in kitchens. And yeah, the chefs are sweating. That's why they wear those fancy hats, right? I don't wear hats anymore. It's not cool. Sweat on their heads only. You think they're not just going like this all the time? I figured the hats are just full of ice packs like the wug costume, you know?

Well, that's even worse. That's the ice that they have in the ice machine. They actually put that on their head first and then put it in your drink. Yeah, so. And Wade never enjoyed a restaurant again. I'll forget about it in five minutes. Thanks, I've got a terrible memory. Anyway, you guys want to play a fun game about dates and gears and inventions?

And I'm pretty sure we haven't done this before. I'm going to pretend like it's new even if it is something we've done before because I love you. I won't remember what the hell we did if we did. So it won't matter to me. It will be new to me. We're just going to talk about some stuff that we're all familiar with. None of this is super technical or anything. Those are all going to be things in the world that we're familiar with.

But I'm going to give you two options, and you're going to have to guess which one was invented first. And it's as easy as it sounds. There's no trick to this. It's as easy as it sounds. And I'm going to flip a coin to see who gets to go first. Waity is the lady and Mark is the lion. It hurts. It's painful.

Oh, what are they doing to me? Hey. Lady. That's Wade. All right. Wade gets to go first. Wade. which one of these was invented first?

Man, I really feel like who goes second has a good chance if it's two, one, if there's two options and I get it wrong. Yeah, no, there's no, like, stealing on this one. It's, yeah, no, yeah, because you're right, it would be a pretty easy. I was like, man, that's a hell of a disadvantage going first, actually. Only Wade could get that wrong in it, in one or the other choice coptition where he gets to go second

and doesn't pay attention to know what the first guess was. I'd be mad, but you're not wrong. Wade, which of these was invented first? cell phone or GPS like your garment that you stick in your car did you guys have those

I definitely had one of those at some point in my life I don't know too much about when GPS came around GPS typically I mean they both were like satellite right satellite phones satellite GPS so that is not how cell phones work no I love the old ones that were in your car

were like satellite based but it's not a cell phone that's not what we're talking about we're talking about cellular telephones I'm a go with GPS then, because there have been satellites for a long time. As ever hear of Sputnik? Just to be clear, I'm talking about commercially available

consumer GPS units, not any satellites in space. But you locked your guests in, so we're going to go with GPS. Yeah, in that case, I like to lock in. Which is, of course, wrong. What about Sputnik? The first ever mobile cell phone prototype was invented in 1973. The first GPS satellite launched in 19, Sputnik was not a GPS satellite.

Sputnik was a aluminum foil ball that had a tiny little transmitter in it that went... Well, not with that attitude. Also, I don't know if you guys knew this. GPS is a U.S. technology in other countries. They have different positional systems. Like the Kama Sutra. It was like a DARPA program, right? It was like a military-funded thing.

Then they were like, wow, this is really useful. and then they let everyone use the satellites because we have that now. Good try, Wade. I'll take the point. No. Mark, which one was invented first? You've played one of these.

You're going to be very familiar with this. All right, okay. The piano or the guitar. Oh, are we talking like the original, like as we know it version? Are we talking like the harpsichord and the sitar, you know, the lute, you know, where are we talking? Is it one of those half horse, half man? Yes, yes, yes, half force, half man, half goat.

Half guitar, as we all know. Fat tire. He's just raking up the points here. Man, how can I compete? It's somewhere in the middle mark. It's not like, oh, the first ever instance of an instrument with strings that, but it's not like when did Fender start their business or anything? Like, it's like, when was the first recorded instance of the thing that basically looks like

what we would know as a piano and what we would know as a guitar, even though there are definitely, some some differences. As much as I want to say the piano, it's probably the guitar just because it's easier. So I imagine if there was something that was going to be made first, unless it's the opposite, because royalty and all the fucking kings and shit. You know,

I've always said no kings. I've always believed this. You know, I don't like monarchies in general. I think that it, but they did fund the arts, and the rich did fund the arts back of the day. Just to look cool, though, not for good reasons.

Yeah, but which art did they fund? I'm going to go with guitar just because. And of course. Of course, that is correct. Sweet, I'll take the point. The earliest version of what we would pretty much recognize as a guitar dates to somewhere in 16th century Spain. The piano dates back to around the turn of the 18th century, somewhere around 1700. Obviously, there have been a lot of iterations, and there are certainly things before those specific instances where it's like, if you looked at it, you might be like, well, that's basically a piano.

But this is, look, this isn't science. Okay, this is distractible. If you're making a bow and arrow and you actually tie two strings to it, you've made a guitar, whereas a piano is a lot more intricate, you know? You should try that. You should do that and then learn to play stairway to heaven on it. And she's buying a stairway. Dung, dong.

Wade, these next ones are something I think you're going to be very personally familiar with. I know that you're really a dude. All right. Which was invented first? Sudoku or crossword puzzles? And just to translate it for you in case you're one of those people, this is also the thing that's commonly called Sudoku. But that is not what it's called. It is called Sudoku.

I have heard lots of people will be like, oh, I was doing one of those Sudukos. Sudukes. Sudoku. So dooku. So dooku. Sudoku. You know, people that just don't even try to pronounce things right. You know, that, I think that makes everybody mad.

People that habitually just like say the wrong thing all the time. Who would do? Yeah, you know what I mean? Nothing pisses off people more than that. I agree, Bob. That's a strong agreement. No room for error. All right, wait, now that you've had time to Google it, which one of these things came first?

Do I look like the kind of guy smart enough to Google? No, you look like a duck, duck go guy, you're right. You look like an ass jeeves guy. Not going to lie. Because I'm bald? Yeah. I'm going to put this in this kind of context. The way I'm thinking about it.

Crossword puzzles, you know, are letters. You put letters, you make words, and they have other words. Math is universal. Everyone needs math. Numbers. In Germany, there are words that are like 500 letters long, probably. There's a lot of long words. Their crosswords puzzles be really hard. Other, you know, places do things with like, I can't think of the term. Was it kanji, like symbols and stuff? I don't know if they do crosswords or not. I don't know if that works. Kanji is Japanese symbols. I don't know if that written language works the same because I've never studied it. So I don't know if that works is for crossword type things. But numbers. Everyone does numbers. Sudoku definitely came first. Locking that in? Locked. I don't do this with Mark. I don't know why, but with you, I feel like I feel obligated to have you lock it in.

It must be a big hint that I'm wrong, but I'll take it. And you said Sudoku was definitely invented first. No doubt. And of course, that is wrong. Okay. The first published crossword puzzle appeared in the New York world, which I assume is a paper. In 1913, created by journalist Arthur Wynne. another puzzle inventor Howard Garnes published the first game of Sudoku in 1979

Wait Howard? Tell me Howard Garns I always hated my great-uncle Wait, did he just steal the Japanese game or? I have always wondered how exactly Sudoku got its name I will, I have to be honest, I'm pulling these from, most of these from like a thing so I'm sort of trusting someone else to have done this research Oh, well, I've been around on both my answers then I stand by him.

You guys are like GPS is American. You know what GPS stands for? Global positioning. It was originally called Number Place. I don't know. Probably just sounded better. Maybe someone said you go, dude. You miss under hood.

It was like Sudoku? That's a much better name than Number Box. It's just a bunch of people misinterpreting everybody. Yeah, even Wikipedia, which is the most trusted source I have on the internet these days, says it was Howard Garns, who was a retired architect and freelance puzzle constructor from Indiana. A freelance puzzle constructor. Do you put an ad in the newspaper like, I can do puzzles. Trust me. He's just doing, he's out here. He's out here puzzling for the love of the game, all right? He doesn't puzzle for money. That's like Marcus, you know, he's just like, please, let me put a,

let me put a code in here. Please, I'm begging you. Let me put a code in the DVD. Please, I'll create a whole password input menu. And I'm like, I just, people just want the movie, man. People just, people just want the movie, please. So Howard invented, or maybe invented this version of it. The puzzle was introduced in Japan by Maki Kaji in 1984, and it was originally called in their publication, I'm going to pronounce this very wrong, but something approximately like Sujiwa Dokushin ni Agiru, which was shortened to Sudoku, which the original name, the original name in Japanese meant the digits must be single. Mark, you have no reason to be offended. He was speaking Japanese in your Hawaiian.

The Japanese name actually came way later, but it was so fire that everyone was like, yeah, number plays sucks ass, Howard. We're going to call it to dooku. I call it you put the numbers in the box correctly. Number fun time game. Wade was wrong, shocker. I'll take my point. Mark, you love science.

Sure. You know lots of things. Which of these came first? Vaccines or batteries. I don't know. know why but I got a horrible flashback and I was just like, acetine, the answer's astatine. It's a trick, it's all come full circle. The treaty of Winnebago.

Whose wall was it? Oh, hey, adrigues. Fuck, Adrix. Hey, Driex. I don't know what the real answer from the joke answer is anymore. It's Hadrian and it is Westphalia. Oh, I said Winnebago again. Yeah, Winnebago is the joke answer that's wrong.

Fuck! Oh, my God, okay. What was you, what were you trying to say? say to me. Which one came first? Ticking. Vaccines or batteries? I'm thinking batteries because I remember some bullshit about there being an ancient Egyptian earned that they had somehow rigged up with electric eels, but I don't know if that was just a joke or something, but I remember that being a thing. So I'm going to go with batteries because I believe in an archaeological excavation of some type. They did that. Thank you. I think Cleopatra got bit on her booed by a snake.

but she thought it was an eel and she thought she was supercharging herself to get a real good amount of work done that day. Yeah, that's what people used to do with radium. They used to have like these radium devices that they would put in their water to be like, radioactivize your water

to energize you through your day. Do you want to lock that answer in, Mark? I'm gonna log it in, yeah. I really, I thought, anyway, that's incorrect. I'm sorry. This one is very close. I feel like this one is,

I would be curious about more detail on this one because what I have here is that in 19, nope, not 19, in 1796, Edward Jenner used cowpox material to create a vaccine for smallpox, 1796, and then great name, Alessandro Volta, obviously, invented the battery, which was originally called for some reason an artificial electric organ, very concerning name, in 1800. So those were very close together, but I don't know. I'm curious what you read about the archaeological thing. I'm sure that there's something there because I'm sure you read it or it was in like a YouTube video or something. And you were like, wow, that's crazy. Yeah, it's probably not real. Well, they built those really dark pyramids. They probably had battery powered flashlights where they tossed an eel and on metal vase.

We're like, we can see. Oh, I thought dark pyramids like on the outside, like pure black pyramids. I'm like, what alternate reality pyramids have you seen, man? Baghdad battery or Parthian battery is a 2000-year-old artifact consisting of a clay jar, a copper cylinder, and an iron rod on earth near the ancient ruins of Tessifan. This primitive galvanic cell can generate a small electric current when filled with acidic liquid. Is that real? That is a Wikipedia entry for a thing called the quote Baghdad battery. But like there's no way that they were generating electricity with it on purpose because they didn't, would not have.

known what electricity was or was, it was probably something where it was like, well, if we put all this shit in a jar and fill it with water and lemon juice, it's tingly when you drink it. Yeah, that's probably what it was. It's just like, it's very tingly. Oh, that's how they made surge. So, so you're not crazy. You didn't hallucinate that. It's just like, there's no way it was being used as a battery for battery purposes. Yeah. I'll leave it up to some audience member who knows way too much about this to be like, no, Marks vindicated, and then we'll forget about it, but they'll be all like, he deserves his point, and you know. Oh, there are theories that it was possibly an electroplating setup, which would be fucking crazy.

Whoa. Apparently, a researcher or historian in the 1930s working in the Iraq Museum observed a number of very fine objects from ancient Iraq that were plated with very thin layers of gold, and there was speculation that something like this, this pot with the galvanic cell that they found was potentially used for electroplating, which is a thing. I could totally see you discovering sort of like accidentally. You don't need to understand what electricity is to be like, well, if we do this, it plates shit in gold because that's pretty sick. Did they use Capri Suns for cooling?

I mean, almost definitely. They grabbed a Capri Sun out of the crafty cooler and slings. Slap that bad boy on there to make sure that their Galvanic Cell could adequately gold plate their statue. I can't wait to tell you about my next crazy build project that I have, but I can't talk about it yet. It's going to be psychotic on another level. People don't know my crazy yet. I'm going to give you half a point for fascinating knowledge, Mark. Okay.

All right, cool. Hey, Baghdad battery. Well, I don't know if they had Caprize over there. What was the headdress called a NEMS or something, NEMES? What's that called? The headdress that they wore in Egypt? I can see the word. I don't remember how it's pronounced. I think.

Let's some way wrong. Maybe it's a nemes. A nemesis son? Nemesis son. A nemeson? You're all right. I'm fine. How are you? Talking about your nemesis' son? Yeah, my nemesis' son. What a bitch. What a bitch.

What a bitch. That harsh. It's just a son, man. He didn't do anything to you. You don't know that. He's my nemesis' son. What a bitch. Darn you, quacker jack. Quacker Jack. That's a quacker jack?

fucking quacker jack. Yeah, he hated his son too, but they're still both my nemesis. Honestly, yeah, that, that seems like a villain nemesis. I could get that. Just like a villain, a villain from Darkwing Duck. I was putting the peanuts where they don't belong. Wade, you are using one of these things right now, and I would wager that you've never used the other one of these things in your entire life.

Testicles. Wait, you've never used your testicles? Or maybe I'm using them right now. You don't know which one it is. I hope it's not that. I hope it's not that second one, you said. Okay. Wait, which came first?

Microphones or dishwasher. I feel like microphone. I think people have been using some variation of microphones for a while. Unless you count people as dishwashers. Man, people probably wash dishes for a while. But I... Yeah, no, not... This is a thing where you don't have to wash the dishes

because the dishwasher washes the voice. It's a device. That feels like a 40s, 50s type of thing, right? like the dishwasher, microphone probably older. Microphone, locking it, I'm so locked. You locking that in? Microphones?

I am locked, no doubt. This is my vindication. How many coin flips can a person lose in a row? Oh, I can tell you something about that. All right. This is another one that's surprisingly close. But I'll start by saying, you're correct, Wade.

Microphones were invented first. Yes! Shortly after the invention of the telephone, Emil Berliner, created a transmitter amplifying the noise, and thus created the first microphone based on the technology that was involved in the first telephone in 1876, while Josephine Garris Cochran submitted her patent for the dishwasher a mere 10 years later. 1940, I was right.

In 1886 was the first patent for the first dishwasher, but it doesn't matter because you're right. Microphones came first. I mean, I wanted to be all the way right, but I'll take my answer being right. Mark, you use both of these things. I'm fairly certain. Not anymore because you fixed your eyeballs, but I think you have used both these things. Which came first. Contact lenses or escalators.

And I don't know why I said it like that. It had to have been a hint. There had to have been a hint in there. Escalators. You said later. He emphasized later, which means that it came later. Or he doesn't mean the stairs. He means people that escalate things.

No, no. Eska, from the root Latin word eskimo, meaning cold as in You're cold, you're cold, you're not hot if you're picking this one. Yep. Cold and later, he's giving me subtle hints that this one, not later is in farther away. It's farther from the right answer, which is contact lenses. And also, that'd be more surprising. So I'm going to go with that one.

Mark has finally discovered the real game here. Mark finally properly interpreted the clues I have been leaving in each presented question. And of course, contact lenses were the first invention. Mark is the only one who understands what's happening. here. Can I have a fresco? Contact lenses. The first ones were made entirely of glass, which sounds just awful. We're invented in 1887. And four years later, Jesse Reno, hell of a name, invented and showed off the first prototype of an escalator at Coney Island. What a time to be alive. When you go to an amusement park, you're like, do you guys want to ride to sit there?

Or do you want to go up the escalator? We're here's so much fun shit at this place. There were a few like early roller coaster or amusement park things where like the spinning discs on the floor where you just lay down and it kind of just moves you at random god help you if your clothes get caught in one of those and no matter how stupid it is because i'm an adult and i know how to get off an escalator every single time i'm on an escalator i'm like oh but what if i what if i move my foot too late and what if my foot gets sucked in at the end of the escalator and what if i get shredded into spaghetti on the escalator and then i'll be spaghetti for the rest of my life Which won't be very long.

The spinning discs on the ground thing. It looks like a fucking nightmare. It looks like an on-purpose meat grinder for humans. There was an incident a few years ago where a lady, I think it was another country that was like China or something, but she stepped on like one of the metal plates past the escalator, not the escalator, but the walking path. And I think like her leg got caught because it wasn't actually where the things meant to be.

It was like the plate collapsed. I think her leg got pretty fucked up. She might have even died. I don't remember. But no matter how many escalators I go on every single time, I'm like, God, don't get sucked in. Don't get sucked in. Pull your pants up. Don't have saggy pants. This is not a good place for that. Wade, this one is tricky. Which came first? Matches or lighters. It's a tricky one. It's tricky. I mean, I feel like the obvious answer's matches, but if you say it's tricky,

it makes me think, okay, well, that's obviously lighters. Maybe it's a different kind of tricky. Or you're saying it's tricky because you thought I'd overthink it and go past. And then I should go back because the answer is really the one that makes the most sense, which would be matches. You know, I'll lock that in? A lighter just seems so much more complex than fire stick. It really is. Unless you think about it. How people light torches back in like the BCs, they just rub them on the ground for a while.

They have a lighter. I don't think they have a lighter. Look, I'm not trying to give you hints. I am saying, I'm not trying to help you. DM me the answer real quick so I can say the right one out loud. Okay. But I'm going to lock in matches before you do. I'm going to open Discord and I'm going to DM you the correct answer right now.

Wow, Discord apparently has an update. Give me a sec. There's an update to Discord every day, multiple updates. What are they doing? They got to add more micro-transactions and for some reason games. All right, wait, I DMD you the correct answer. Great. I'm going to lock in matches like I already said.

All right, you're going to stay locked in with it. You know what? I respect your integrity, Wade, because of course matches is wrong. I was renting my coin because you were literally slow walking him towards. I was like, hey, wait a minute. I was trying. Apparently, the first lighter was invented by Johann Wolfgang Duberiner, great name, in 1823. But then not far behind him, Hemis John Walker invented the friction match in 1826.

There had to have been matches before the 1800s. If you think about it, though, the thing about, matches isn't that it's a piece of wood that burns. It's that there's a chemical compound on the tip of it that ignites into fire when you rub it on something that's kind of rough, right? It's not that it's a stick that burns. It's that someone had to invent the chemical. Lighter is just shit that already burned in a container where all of it doesn't burn at once. But a match is actually like a chemistry invention. I would have looked at it a different way for why I would have picked lighter first is because even though matches seem like something that's easier to make, it's a mass

production issue. Matches necessitate some kind of factory or mass production method to make the small sticks in a box, right? And that needs other steps. Because it's meaningless to make like 10 matches. You need to make like thousands and thousands of matches. It's true. I was just thinking you have a stick. You have your pot of oily goo you dump on people when they go to storm your And then you're just like pitch sure sure you just and then you're like match torch your arrows What do you use to let your match that doesn't have a compound that lights when you strike it on something? You gotta have your flammable pot of things to pour on people that come into your castle, right? Like yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah, yeah, oh yeah.

I literally tried to tell you the correct answer on that one buddy. I mark was ready to fight you on that but well good thing for him. I'm a man of stupid and You consciously chose to ignore my cheating hints and stick to your guns, and that is worth zero points. All right. I'm going to say this is the last one, I think. And then Wade gets a speed round to still lose. See if I need to cheat more to help Wade really stay in this one. Mark, which came first?

Ballpoint pens or zippers. And so it is an important distinction that it's ballpoint pens because there were fountain pens for like a while, right? You need to like physically fill it with ink and it's more like a ballpoint pens, meaning it's got the little cartridge. It has the little. Yeah. It works the way the pens that we're modernly accustomed to work. It's not just a pen because there have been lots of different variations of those.

There's a fairly famous story about the space race between the U.S. and the USS R that talks about, oh, the Americans, they spent X billion dollars inventing a pen or pencil that could write upside down. in space underwater, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's so good. And then the USSR, they just used a pencil. The wisdom of that is like using graphite in space is a very bad idea because the lead breaks off. It goes into the electrical system. It causes a short circuit.

And it ate a horrible fire. Many have died. Well, not many, but, you know, people have died because of fires. Is that what happened to Sputnik? Sputnik. Yes, everyone on Sputnik. There's no survivors from Sputnik. That's what I thought.

The guy that they sent up. up in Sputnik who was just like, some tiny little guy in the ball, like, yeah. But that being said, the other option being zipper, okay, if I go with my logic of zipper needing some kind of, that's not an easy thing to make. It requires some kind of precision metal and fabric and fusion. There's a famous story I'm not sure you're aware of,

where a guy with a zipper zipped his balls up in it. It's called There's Something About Mary. It's a classic film. Oh my God. What happened to him? Is he okay? Well, in the movie he wasn't, but in real life, I think he's... What happened to him?

His balls go away. A hospital trip, because he couldn't unzip. I'm gonna go with ballpoint pen just because... No, but when did they have zippers? Now. That's right, we do have zippers now. Whatever. I'm just gonna say pen because...

All right, Mark says ballpoint pens came first. Yeah. And that, of course, is correct. Whoa! So this one actually doesn't have a year in the next. notes that I have, annoyingly. But it says ballpoint pens were invented three years before zippers hit the same. Interesting.

So we're like people's dicks just flopping around before that. What were they doing? Buttons. Ballpoint pens were apparently patented in America, which is maybe what they're using to establish the year for this in 1888. So that means that based on this, uh, zippers would have come into existence in 1891. One. Wait, when were ballpoints been made? 1888 was the first patent.

But that's before my science anecdote story. This is tearing a hole in my entire logical argument, even though I got a point. So I'm not going to fight it very much. There were definitely ballpoint pens before we invented the special space pen, right? That's how they knew they had to invent a special one because they had regular ballpoint pens. And the first guy they set up at space was like, hey, it doesn't work. They're like, okay, we'll do a space pen. And then someone got their ball stuck in a fountain pen and was like,

Ow! I have an idea. Oh! I can't forget this idea. Even though this hurts, I'm going to keep writing. And think how sexy the noise will be with me undress. This one is confusing. I'm going to abandon completely the thing I said about being the last one because I forgot that I really like these last two.

Because you'll never figure it out. Which one came first? Toothpaste. Or toothbrush. People just dry clean their teeth, or do they have something they thought clean their teeth that they would just rub on with their fingers or hair or dicks? Back in the day, people's dicks used to be way longer. I'm going to say toothpaste. It seems wrong.

It seems crazy. It seems anti-sensical. And therefore I like it. Toothpaste came first. You want to lock that in? Locking it in. Well, Wade says toothpaste came first. And of course, that's correct.

I did it? There is evidence of ancient Egyptians using paste to clean their teeth around 5,000 BC, but actual tools to be used in the cleaning of teeth are not evidenced in historical records until sometime around 3,500 to 3,000 BC. So it's all old stuff, but apparently Egyptians just would take some paste and give it the old I was hoping that was the case, but I could have seen it going either way. Maybe they took a squirrel and put some little hairs in a thing and were like, and I balanced it out there, Mark.

I tried to lead him away from the correct answer. So I know you didn't call for a coin flip, but I just want to, I'm not only cheating in one direction. All right, that's a good episode. Let's stop there. Mark, I know you've, actually, I don't know for a fact you've had both of these, but I presume you've had both of these things in your mouth at one point or another. Interesting.

Oh, that's a little question. Pepsi or Coca-Cola. Man, well, one would feel like. this answer would be obvious. And I had to do it this way because I think Wade, Wade has potentially personal information that might make him have more of an advantage on this question. I do have family that worked in Coke.

I don't know if that means you actually know anything about it, but it could. The one unique advantage that Coke had bad in the day was that it had cocaine in it. Now what that would might say is like, oh, the original recipe, blah, blah, blah. I think that was an attempt to have a competitive advantage.

over the other party, right? If it's like, well, ours has cocaine. You're gonna fucking love this shit. And Pepsi came first and had something else. It would have been, to me, it's like Coca-Cola hat was the newcomer that beat him out, right?

I hear what you're saying. I hear what you're getting at. Mark, I'm going to give you the same thing that I gave to Wade on an earlier question. Uh-huh. And I'm going to allow you to do with that information what you will.

Oh, no. It was the obvious one. Oh, no. Oh, I locked in. I'll be a man of honor unless I shouldn't. Look, you didn't even say you were locked in. There is nothing except however you're going to feel about it that has an impact on whether or not you can change what answer you're leaning towards and what you want to give me as your final locked in answer. But wait, is he leading you toward the answer or away from it?

Well, he's literally given me the answer. Remember when I DM'd you the correct answer to that other one? That's why I just did for Mark. I just deemned him the correct answer. Oh, shit. So, but, but I'll say this. If there's ever a situation on a game show where, you know, you have to, you have to do something to win. I won't change my answer. I said Pepsi and I, I'm going to go with Pepsi.

And of course, that is incorrect. So close. But I am going to give you an integrity point. It's integral. They are very close. All of these were very close. Coca-Cola dates back to 1886. Pepsi dates back to 1893. I will say I had a little, I had a little side game going in my head.

I was trying to cheat for you guys pretty blatantly. Oh, worry. I was going to punish you if anyone took my very blatantly obvious clue giving and DMing of correct answers. I was waiting for someone to pounce at me leading you, slow walking you directly at the correct answer. not a single person took the bait. And I'm a little shocked. Yeah, I thought for sure Mark would. So fuck that part of what I had in my head completely.

All this was was a game where we're talking about which thing was invented first. And there was nothing else to it. And I'm the asshole because I was trying to lure you into an un, what's that word? No, no integrity, bad integrity list. Yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. I was trying to lure you into bad behaviors. And you were both good, good boys.

Bad ball. The other part of that is I was kind of keeping the score pretty chill because I was looking forward to whoever was going to get punished that was going to sort of create a disband. Anyway, let's look at the points. Looks at how many points you guys. I have bounty. He did a bounty again.

I still don't. Wade's never going to do a single bounty in his life. This is fantastic. While we were doing that episode, I was really hoping you weren't going to see the flashing on my screen because one of the bounties is to play an entire level of Five Nights or Freddy's while the episode is going on. And every time I flipped up the screen, I noticed on my face it was like bright, like, shining way.

I'm just so used to you always doing other things. I don't think anything of it. That did work to my advantage. But yeah, every time I did that, like, look at my camera. Oh, I died. But I beat that level. But not only did I do that. The other part of that was to beat a level of, it was an oar, but I did both.

Oh, did you also do power wash? And a power wash level. Both to just flex on it to show that I can multitask with the best of them. God, you're such a master of half-assing this podcast. I'm jealous. I'm not going to lie. I thought you were going to say you did the one where like somewhere throughout the episode, you just put your camera on like repeat for like two minutes and we didn't notice.

I realized I could have done the shirt one, but I picked the wrong shirt to do it for like the really obvious blue. Here come the mummies one. The shirt that at the top of the recording, I was like, wow, is that a, is that a here comes the mummy shirt, Mark? Wow. I noticed what shirt you're wearing very specifically. So I'm very much looking forward to, uh, to this. 13. Complete a level of Fnaf 1 or Power Watch simulator in an episode without the other guy's noticing.

suggested by Batgirl and spoiler upvoted 101 times we suggested in May I'm gonna check that off I'm gonna give you your two points thank you they seem to be a good way to win I'm not gonna throw this out as like

oh yeah I caught you there were definitely a couple times where I was like wow Mark must be like Googling about whatever shit we're tired because there were a couple of times where I looked at your face and you were just like and I was like ah he's but like you said like

you do that a lot no matter what we're doing you're like, you're Googling the thing we were just talking about or you're Googling the net. So I just like wrote it off. I was like, ah, he's just like looking at something. He's just cheating horribly over there. At no point did I legitimately peg you as doing the bounty playing a game. So, all right, Mark, you weren't points for. Everything's coming up, Markiplier.

Universal got mugged. Uh, sweaty chef. Guitar came first. You strong agreement point. fascinating knowledge point contact lenses came first ballpoint pens came first an integrity point and a

fanath bounty point two points Wade you got we can just skip it's fine I don't know why I wrote it in this way but you got a pity point and an integrity point you got a point for I don't remember what that was

you had a point for Tatee and Trey Trey getting married you got a point for satire satir satir You got a Cleopatra boob snake bite point. You got a what a bitch point. You were correct about microphones coming first. There's something about Mary Balls in Zipper point.

And you were correct about toothpaste. Which means Mark, you have nine and a half points. And Wade, you have eight points. God, my comedic genius kept me in whenever my knowledge failed. It's like in life. I'm still unsure. Is it two points or three points? Was a three point bounty like a special one?

Three was only for like the first one, I think, and then... Yeah, I think it was two to three we agreed on typically where three is like the harder to get ones, but I gave three the first time because it was the first one. I just don't want to do it wrong, but like I just don't remember. It might be up to the judge to decide how much that, yeah. Let's see how many spins we're going to get. And if Mark's win is secured or if I'm going to have to do a shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, my God, it's anybody's game. Three spins, baby. I'm not going to do this, but if you use the coin on the spins, would you either get none or six? I don't know. Yeah. I might have to use that one day if I really. I am going to stick to the theme of today's episode and say that

whomesoever was born first gets the point between the competitors. All right. I think that's always me. So that one's skewed towards Wade. Well, that's okay because he stinks. Three spins. Spin number one. current record holder for most points.

Oh, God. I don't know. We gotta go to the... And I remember I have one where there was a shit ton of points for both of you. I'm trying to find it here in my... This is one where Mark has 17, 18. This is one where Mark has 18. If it's like the record of all time, I don't know that.

But currently, as it stands, as of the last point total count for this season, Just I don't know what episode. It's me with 50, Bob with 55 and a half, and Wade with 56. So technically, but I don't know if that's record holder. Here's a Bob's Secret Words episode. Mark has 26 points. That's a lot. And Wade has 29 points.

The highest I saw in this book was 19. I think that might be the highest scoring episode I have ever done. But I like Mark's version better because now that we have, now that person, is actually like keeping track of things. I mean like it's it's a reward for being good at distractive. If you have the most points, you get even more points. The rich get richer. That's how I like to run things.

I have the most points this season with the fewest wins. Yeah, isn't that funny? Anyway, so that means Wade gets that one. Spin number two. TMI point. I mentioned balls stuck in a zipper. They weren't your balls. It could be.

I'm looking at my balls right now. Is that TMI? I'm looking at our, I'm looking down to my crotch. I don't know what. I'm also looking down at Mark's crotch. I feel like this one is not immediately apparent that there was no, there's a lot of duds on this wheel.

Had the best time. I remember at the beginning of this, I was all like, and I played two games during the episode. I had a great time. Yeah, I think Mark definitely had the best time. I can't disagree with that. Spin number three. Still a tight game.

Everything's going great. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It doesn't count now. It's before the spin happened. Fuck! I'm going to start right before the wheel

starts spinning. Just load it up. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. There's a lot of things that come up on this wheel that are like, man, before the wheel comes up, I'm just going to start lay flat. Who is, uh, got to eat, got a drink, got a, fuck. Fuck, my balls, my balls. I feel like this one is targeted towards like

whoever got the maddest and said fuck a bunch Mark had a great time Mark was really happy and Wade was barely awake so I don't think anyone said fuck very much Mark well now you said it a lot in the last 30 seconds yeah I sure did come on currently sponsored Is anyone currently sponsored by anyone Not the podcast not us not me

Man, I wish I was. No of us have any active sponsorships or anything. If you guys want to come to our Twitch channels and leave us some, we make no money right now, apparently. My God, this is the most spins we've ever had. All right, spin three, attempt three, come on, we'll... Most personal attacks. Well, I made fun of Wade, kind of, but honestly, you guys both... You both showed an annoyingly high level of integrity during this episode, if anything.

I said that thing about the mispronunciations. That was actually a weight attack. I told Mark, he wasn't from Japan. He was from Hawaii. Is that an attack? Well, Japan and Hawaii do have a really rough history with attacks, you know? That's right. They collected a bunch of pearls or something.

I remember that. Okay. Spin number three and temp number four. Come on. Come on. Just give a shortest and get it over with. Most impressions. Not a single one.

Not a single impression. Spin number three attempt number five come on we got this we got this we're gonna have so many messages where we did all of these things Best Scottish accent perform if necessary Okay get out of miss swamp oh god mark wins he doesn't have to perform oh don't get out of miss swamp Hangar gently what did you say my name is banger my name is bangor don't mimic his it's not helping your case help in my case. You don't tell me it was helping those kids. Ethan, is that you?

Hey. The Scottish minds are real brutal to him. Ah, Mark gets that one. It actually did matter because if Wade had gotten that, he would have won, but Wade... Unfair. Mark won the Scottish accent,

not because of what he just did, but because I know what his Scottish accent sounds like when he's really trying. and you had an opportunity to overtake that in your performance, Wade, but I felt like it was inconsistent. But so I gave Mark the point for the Scottish accent, because I've heard him do it many a time, and he has a good Scottish accent for a person who does not specialize

in doing accents or impersonations. It's a good accent. But then Wade said the word and held up his giantess stupid coin. So what exactly are you calling unfair on? Him having the best Scottish accent. It's not just can do, it's did. If it was just permanent, there'd be no point for it to be on the wheel. It would just give a point.

It's not can do or did. It's best Scottish accent. I'm arguing what that means. So the result of the scoen flip is going to decide what exactly the point means. Now that's stupid. Look, I'm just going to say if it's all heads, that means it's fair and needs to be made doubly fair. And so Mark gets two points. If it's whatever, if it's all mixed bag, that means it's fair, nothing happens.

And if it's all tails, that means it's unfair and when we made doubly unfair. Oh, wait. No, I'm saying it backwards. But if it's all tails, Wade gets the point. All right. Tails never fails. Wait, if it's all heads, he gets the point because that's what he wants, right? All right.

Who cares? Then it needs to be doubly made. It's super fair. Yeah, I'll take all heads and all tails. If it's mixed, then we'll give it the mark. If it's all heads, Wade gets a point. If it's all tails, Mark gets two points. How have we forgotten how this word?

It's been a minute since we've actually done a coin flip, man. All right, I'm flipping. Oh, I got a heads. I got a heads. I got a lion, which is tails on my coin. Fuck me in the Alps. I'd say my coin wanted to pull for you, Wade, but, uh, the way the coin flips sometimes is, uh,

fair and fair and fair. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, I'm flat. All right. The final score after an inordinate number of wheel spins is now Mark with 19.5. Nope, that's not how math works. What the fuck did I just read? 11.5. Very different.

Wade with 10. I'll take 19 and a half. Canonically, Mark has 19.5 points. Anyway, Mark wins either way. Congratulations to Mark. Wade, would you like to give your loser speech? I was here. That's it.

Hardly a speech at all. Thank you. Mark, winner's speech? I had a great time. I knew a positive mental attitude was going to be able to get me through this, and that's what I did, and that's what I have, and that's what I'm going to carry over into my next judging session. Whatever that may be, is it going to be the perfect discrime? He froze. Did he freeze for you? Okay, he's back. We were about to have another disappearing Mark moment. Right as I'm laughing. Yeah, no.

It literally froze with you. Be like, like, whenever I slammed my desk and froze my own audio mix up. Anyway, yeah, well, I can't wait to see that.

I'm sure that Mark is telling the truth, and it will definitely be the most perfectest crime. I'm sure that's going to happen. I'm very excited about that. I'm glad Mark won, so we finally get to experience that for real life. Congratulations to Mark and condolences to Wade. Despite being mostly asleep

and really phoning it in. He did a pretty good job, and you were very close, which is very undeserved. So that's impressive in its own way. Keeping up my streak of the most points and losses. Make sure you follow us all on all of our channels and things, Lord Minion 777 or Minion 777 Myskirm or Markiplier. Make sure you follow this show on whatever platform you like,

watching it and or listening to it on. Just click the little plus thing. And then you'll know when the episodes come out, even though they've come out on the same day for literal years. I know we're not doing Fridays right now, but the up to the show has come out on Mondays since the dawn of time as far as Distractable's concerned. So I feel like you should know that right now. Check out the merch shop because you never know when merch is going to pop up. Not right now, but you never know.

Distractable.com. Check it out. Oh shit, what games Mark playing now. Well, I'm looking right at you guys. She's another bounty. I'm literally looking at you. I've never looked at you guys harder. Thank you for listening. Thank you even more for watching.

We'll see you in the next episode, which will be hosted by Mark. Congratulations again. Until then, podcast out.