Distractible - How Dare You

Episode Date: September 6, 2021

Tough sports coaches, rude fast-food customers, and criminals getting their comeuppance, the guys discuss all of their moments of revenge and defiance at those who dared to cross them.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production, with your hosts, Winning Wade, Masterful Mark, and Based Bob. This week, the Triinal Tribe dissertate about matters that in yore would lead to a gauntlet slapping across the face, or in more common parlance, a duel. Yes, it's how dare you. Please prepare thy brace of pistols and enjoy the show. Mark, also known as Markiplier, and I'm joined by my good friends, my trusted colleagues, my conspirators, Bob and Wade. Hello. Hello. Heyo. Bob and Wade will be presenting stories or personal stories or things they find on the internet that interest me pertaining to the subject of the week. And I will judge their stories therein and assign points depending on the worth of such content, their in and the discussions that they entail.

Yadda yadda, yadda yadda, yadda yadda yadda. I love the way you speak. Cool, cool, cool, yeah. Thank you. It doesn't matter what I say, so long as I say it so whimsically and lyrically. Everyone at home isn't really paying attention. They're just vacuuming or driving or hoping that this will get them through their mundane lives just one step closer

towards their delicious bed. Delicious? Kill. I'm gonna stop. Their delightful bed. No, dude. That was legit. I would just lean into delicious. Their delicious beds. Their delicious succulent bed. Chew on those sheets. Dude, my tender

juicy well-seasoned bed. Chew on those sheets. Dude, my tender, juicy, well-seasoned bed. I love it. Nothing like it. Anyway, how are you guys doing? Pretty good. You can't complain. It's summer. Nice. Get to go swimming and stuff. It's always good. Anything new? Nothing new?

It's been really hot in the Bay area. Last summer was not incredibly incredibly hot but it was smoky and fiery so it's a different kind of unpleasant uh but it's been like around 100 probably three or four weeks out of the summer so far which is just real hot it's so hot same here in austin where i am right now i forgot that last year is when the apocalyptic pictures of like the super red sky was right in your backyard that shit was real we lived in a different house we live in a rental and not the 10 minutes away from we are now but it was a house that had a two-story

entry and there were windows all in the second story of the entryway and when you walked out of the bedroom upstairs you walked out and could see out the windows and in the bedroom with the blinds closed you didn't really notice. But that morning I opened the door and it was like a movie. The orange glow flooded the bedroom. The whole entryway, which was all just painted white as a rental, right? So it's all white walls, beige carpet. Everything just glowed.

This horrific, like ominous orange is terrifying. I would take what I have now over that. The smoke was unbearable like my eyes burned inside the house that last summer with all the smoke and how crazy it was but hot's only a little better our ac is like not keeping up got set on like 72 73 and it's like 76 and the thermostat's like i'm going man we'll gate you to your 73 degrees in like in like at least 20 hours maybe 24 for tomorrow i don't know it's like god damn it's too hot i wear slippers in my office because it's so cold down here in the basement and we go upstairs to

the bedroom and we have like two or three standing fans and a ceiling fan because of the ac also our bed our master bedroom is the one room like the ac does not do a good enough job in so i have like an icy hot thing where it's like all right go to bed oh god it's hot going down the stairs like oh god i'm freezing a really weird back and forth but it's nice to have a place that can go to warm up and a place that go to cool down i guess yeah must be nice must be nice must be nice huh back in lovely old cincinnati where i guess we never should have left no you shouldn't is that how it is they'll come home they'll come home yeah no we can't we can't we've been you could buy cincinnati for the cost of like an

apartment in california hey don't belittle cincinnati buy the whole city come home low opinion of your beloved hometown it's just cheap living and i like it it's not that cheap it's just not obscenely expensive like california is okay it's reasonable living come back no okay i'll consider it i'll consider it after we get through this discussion maybe this every year what if everyone listens to this podcast and it becomes so successful that it defines all of our lives? It's the main thing that we have going. Yeah.

We all have to move to Cincinnati and live in a big house together so we can make live in-person podcasts, right? Nevermind. Stay there. We're going to have podcast house. Pod house. Pod house. No.

Peen house. No. Peen house. Stay there. Stay in California. I'm fine. Peen house. No. Peen house. No. Peen house. Peen house. Peen house. No. Peen house. Stay there. Stay in California. I'm fine. Peen house. No.

Peen house. No. Peen house. Peen house. Peen house. Peen house. Peen house. Peen house.

Please. All right. That's five points for peen house, Bob. That's a good idea. Hell yeah. Thank God he can have them. I don't want the peen points. Wade, if you win, I will move back to Cincinnati and we will start peen house.

Is that motivation to win or to lose you take it for whatever you want it to be you bother mark and to a lesser extent me constantly about moving back to ohio this is your chance this is your chance don't you want to have a friend in your state i have no other friends in my state clearly oh that's what i just implied with no confusion about that statement what happened to them just lonely wade in his basement his cold basement with his slippers wishing he had friends to talk to i walk upstairs expected to see like molly and the dogs and call tyler up who's visiting or call jesse or whoever and just like i as i walk up the stairs like just cobwebs i didn't think were there start forming and i realize it's all been in my head and

i've been alone for a decade yeah poor sad wayne and his wrinkly sweatpants and his wrinkly shirt comes upstairs takes his slippers off and is like who needs slippers when i've got friends like and then puts his slippers back on and shuffles back to his dungeon of sadness yeah god he thinks twitch is real thinks youtube is a thing thinks we're even here man you fool you fool my computer is just some old like big fat television screens from like the 90s with like some paper on it where i just like drew a little smiley face like there's my friends right there we're in a discord call right now god man if the illusion was so real that you would never know even us joking about it right now is just to reinforce the idea that it's all real it can't be fake well this is a happy way to start this episode thanks guys yeah let's

record a podcast hell yeah yeah i can't wait to see you all in cincinnati very soon peen house all right so today's topic that we're going to be talking about bob and wade is titled so simply how fucking dare you and in this we are going to be reliving situations where someone has wronged us maybe we've wronged someone i will accept that as well because you can also be the one that fucking dares uh but i will accept stories with which you guys have been wronged and your rage for this has never left your bodies so like uh revenge comeuppance that kind of thing yeah anything like that if you wrong somebody that wronged you are you really wronging them i thought is it two wrongs two wrongs make a right right? We are not qualified to answer that question in this episode. We will answer in the future. I believe two wrongs make a

wrong I'm not gonna deduct points, but i'm not giving points for that either that's completely fair i understand sir thank you no problem i have to say i'm just personally my own taste i'm not much to go in on revenge, I guess. I'm likable, right? I'm a nice guy. I don't really have a lot of situations that require revenge. I would rather tell a personal story, but I don't think I have. Nary a one.

I don't think I do. I can tell a very petty version of revenge to give you guys time to think about your own stories. Please. I used to work at an engineering co-op, right? So like just this medical company that engineered medical devices. We worked on contrast injectors and stuff like that. It wasn't really anything to do with the job because the job was boring. But there was one perk.

There was a break room. And in the break room, there was unlimited hot chocolate. And I loved that because it was just all mine and i could go in there and get hot chocolate and mix it with my coffee every day and i would do that and then uh then one day my co-worker unbeknownst to me grabbed all of the hot chocolate and brought it to their desk what i couldn't understand it like i didn't i didn't fathom it like they were apparently just like, oh yeah, it's up for grabs. So I'm just going to grab it all in my desk so I can have it ready.

But the problem was there was only like a monthly supply. It was a box that you had to have. So it was like, when you take the hot chocolate from the break room, like I had to track down and it was like, oh, you have hot chocolate. It's like, oh yeah, I got it in my box. I'm like, why, why do you have it? It's like, oh, so no one else grabs it. It was like, well, can I have some? And I was like, yeah, you can ask me for some. And I'm like, it's, but it's not. So, but me at the time, you know, I wasn't very like confident enough to just be like asking every time. And I felt like this was just such a betrayal of the order of the office. Like it's just something you don't do. Right. So what I ended up doing was, uh, I broke into their desk where the thing was,

cause I got into work at four 30 in the morning because I got into work at 4.30 in the morning because I was just a freak at this time and I like to get to work super, super early. And I broke into their desk and I cut open every packet and didn't use it because I didn't want to steal it and I didn't want to do anything. And all I wanted to do was just ruin their plan.

And so I came in and I just cut open every bag of hot chocolate so that they could technically use it. And see, it's not very good revenge. No, I like that. That's really funny. See, it's like it was more just to be- Because you know they know someone did that.

Yeah, it was more just to be very confusing because I didn't want to steal it because then it would be obvious it was in my desk. So I was like, how can I sabotage? I was like, oh, I don't want to put anything in or else they're going to get sick so i was just like i'm just going to open every packet and that was my only thought process at the time and they were very confused and they still used the hot chocolate that's what that's what threw me because it didn't stop them from actually using it oh man oh well that's too bad yeah so my revenge isn't very good on whom have you sought revenge wade i've've been brainstorming on this, and I don't think I've ever actually been on either end of revenge that I know of.

I mean, I've been petty before, I'm sure, but, like, that's always just, like, in the heat of the moment stuff. It's never been, like, a drawn-out plot or a plan. Like, I know there was a kid in school who always asked to go to the bathroom, uh i remember god i want to say it was like 10th grade the teacher said like no and uh so he just pissed himself right then and there goddamn and then every time he needed to go from then on out because like the teacher had to clean it up ultimately i think so what hell no maybe they called a janitor and i can't remember but like every time they asked to go from then on they got to go like that was like a real minor case of it but like i've never personally been involved in a revenge thing because it's just

like i don't know i've always just used words to patch things up whenever things are bad or if it's a person where i think it's not reconcilable i just like cut them out of my life or move on i'm really scratching my brain here for any personal experiences with revenge and i just can't think of any you've never saw no revenge from anyone no i don't know if i've ever been wronged to a degree where i felt like i even wanted to like i've got some people i've encountered in life where oh i'm like yeah i don't want anything to do with you but the thought of getting revenge just feels like it would lead to a circle of okay i did something to them now they're gonna do something to me or now i've got at the very least i had to interact with them again and it's like i had no desire to even do that.

So you're not the revenge type. No, I'm either patch it up or avoid. Bob, do you have any revenge things? I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm still trying to think of a situation where I would have even wanted revenge. I do have one. I can't clearly say that I executed a plan of revenge.

But so I, in high school, my dream when I was a kid was to be a football player and play college football. I got my sophomore year, I got injured and I basically either had to have surgery on my shoulder or just sort of let football go and do like rehab and move on. and i didn't really like anyone on the football team they were all pretty much assholes to me and like the coaching staff was fine but they weren't i don't know football was not i never felt like i belonged there so i just sort of moved on to band and i was actually like a decently talented musician like especially by high school standards i would never have made it as a professional musician. I learned that later on, but in high school, I was one of those kids who was just kind of pretty good and, uh, not a moron. So like I was kind of responsible and I

played tuba and like, I did a pretty good job. I did marching man. I enjoyed it. I'd learned my, my spots. I learned the show. I wasn't aimlessly wandering around. I knew all my music. It's kind of this thing in marching band. Some kids do it just for fun and they screw around and they don't really learn the music or they don't really play while they're marching. You know, it's a whole thing. Kids are kids. It's not a big deal, but it's, I was one of the good ones. I really tried. I really enjoyed marching band and I played sousaphone tuba, which is an important part of marching band. You need low brass or your marching band doesn't sound full. It sounds like trumpets and it's kind of annoying.

So like I was, I did good. I tried hard. And my senior year, even though I only did marching band for two years, my senior year, I was the strongest musician in the tuba section. And there were, uh, there was one other senior, but he was kind of, you know, he liked to screw around and he was that fun guy. But I was like the responsible one. So I was put in charge of the tuba section.

I was head of the section. And the other guy, I think he was a little put off by that because like he had done it all four years. But also that meant he didn't have to be in charge of anything. And like we were cool. We were still friends. And I tried really hard. And I did like a great, I don't know if I'd say great. That's maybe a little self-aggrandizing.

But I did a solid job. The tuba section is notoriously a bunch of people who just like to fuck around. And like not really focus, not really try. They're just there to have fun. I tried hard to keep them focused. I feel like we had a decently put together section. Compared to the rest of the band, I think I did an adequate job at least. One day in an after school practice with the marching band, things were going kind of rough.

There was something we were working on, rehearsing, that was not going very well. The head band director of this band that was like a couple hundred kids, and we had like five directors and assistant directors and stuff, big thing going on here. He stops everybody, a couple hundred people. Gets everyone to shut up. He's real mad. And he gets on the loudspeaker just to be like, Hey, Bob, the tuba section keeps messing up.

And you have got to be the worst section in the band. That's on you. Get your section together. What are you doing? Do I need to replace you as head of the section? What are you doing? He makes this whole replace you as head of the section? What are you doing? He makes this whole fucking statement. Oof.

In front of the whole band. And like all my friends were marching band, right? So I'm friends with other people in other sections. Everyone kind of knows like I have a rowdy section. Tuba players are notorious for fucking around and having a good time. Not really trying that hard. And a doctor. Oh, he's not a doctor.

Actually, that was our previous director who retired dr keller's replacement mr douchebag gets on the thing and does this this was in 2006 this happened this has stuck with me since then vividly in my mind and i just remember the boiling rage that i felt and the betrayal that i felt of like, as a head of a section, you know, the directors talked to us to give us, you know, sort of direction and comments for what we should do. And they help us to do our job because we're just high school kids too. I wasn't that special. I was just a high school kid in charge of other high school kids. So I talked to them and I worked with them. They knew I was doing stuff and I worked hard and he just did that. And it

made me just want to like, I mean, what can you do as a kid, right? Like how do you get revenge on a teacher? I'm not going to like put tax in his chair or something stupid. I guess my form of revenge was from that point on, I was even more of a no fun hard ass to my section. And I tried even harder and I got into music school and i got into a good music school so take that band director but like i don't know that made me want revenge that's maybe the one shining like i'm kind of worked up right now just talking about that's maybe the one shining thing in my mind of like i will never forget that yeah that he had the fucking nerve to do that because i'm not gonna throw any of my friends

under the bus but we were not the worst section i made sure everyone was playing their instrument i made sure everyone knew their shit at least to a certain extent if people made mistakes i would go and i would correct i fucking tried my ass off and we weren't the best section but there's absolutely no way that we were the worst section in the band right right I will never forget that how dare you would have been such a good response. Yeah, how fucking dare you? What if you weren't wrong you just interpreted it that way cuz Bob's bit there just reminded me of Ninth grade world studies. Uh-huh I had a teacher who was also like a football coach who kind of had like that tough guy mantra about him But it was nice enough, but the very first day of class i was wrongly talking to a friend of mine i was in class with the teacher

comes over and he slams both of his hands like as hard as he can on my desk and goes all right starting off this way what's your name was wade he's like all right wade we're moving over here and he moves me like to the other side of the like this was our first interaction basically he just moves me immediately like the other side of the room and i kind of did say i was gonna get revenge on him so i kind of trolled him this is the only time i was like a model student every other moment of my life but this teacher moved me and embarrassed me on the first day of school and i was like i'm going to make his class a living hell so i like made up an entire code of like symbols and numbers for like an alphabet and i wrote like stupid notes i would just like post them on his wall

i encouraged other people to troll him at one point not this was not me but at one point someone signed him up for an online dating service someone got his picture and made him into santa and a whole bunch of elves and they posted pictures of him along like our ninth grade hallway and his like classroom but I remember specifically there was a day where he was trying to teach and I was sassing him or I said something sarcastic about whatever and he's like Wade you think you can do better how about you come in and teach the class tomorrow and I was like yeah okay I'll do that and the next day I literally came in with a lesson plan and I taught the class the lesson just to show him like he was not gonna to like make me look like an idiot again. I was like, no, I'm actually going to do it.

I'm going to do it better than you do it. So I actually came in and I taught a lesson plan about something I didn't even know. That's nice. That's good, man. So even though I was originally in the wrong, that reaction he gave me made me feel like he'd wronged me. So like the whole rest of the year, he was the only teacher in my only teacher my entire like high school elementary school college whatever that i ever like declared a war on god yeah i live off of fuck you energy i feel like maybe i should have made this episode

that from the get-go but i think how fucking dare you is great and high school is probably like everyone's everyone's high school experience is just loaded to the tits with experiences where you've been wronged and i remember one scenario not to jump in here with my own stuff but i'm the judge and i'm gonna do it anyway i remember this one scenario i think i've told you guys where i was on the throwing team in track and field which means that i threw shot but and threw discus we didn't have javelin because i don't think they trusted us in milford with that kind of weaponry i don't think so so i didn't have with that kind of weaponry. I don't think so. So I didn't have the kind of like bulk mass to do great in shot put, but discus was more technique based.

And so I've never really been a super motivated sports guy. Like I've been fairly athletic, but it's not like been a driving force of mine. But in terms of discus, I was pretty decent at it because it was something very technical. It was skill based. You got to get good at the technique. And if you get good at the technique, you could throw it really far. And I remember I was throwing like 124 feet. I remember that specifically. And I remember that because I was throwing farther than pretty much everyone else on the team. And so in the grand rankings of sports, there's like regionals, there's like in terms of the state competition, it goes like regionals, something else, state, and then national competition. I had no misunderstanding that I was going to make it to state or anything like that.

There were many people that were much stronger, throwing 180 feet, all this jazz. But I was throwing 124. And to me, I was very proud. And it was my junior year. And I remember my coach came up to me and said that I was not going to regionals, even though I was throwing the farthest. And his reasoning was that there was someone who was in a younger year than mine, like I forget if they were freshmen or sophomore, that was throwing almost as far as me, but

doing it with less spins. Like in discus, you can do a full spin, which is, I believe, is like two rotations. And you see him throw a discus and you just go, and they throw it. Well, this guy, he was just doing a half spin, which meant he just spun half of that and threw. I was doing a full spin and I was throwing farther than him.

And I looked at the coach and I was like, in what world does that make sense? I'm literally throwing farther than him i can do the full spin and his justification was well he needs the inspiration because clearly he's gonna pass you next year and i was so mad oh my god oh my god i got madder than i've ever gotten in my life i was so furiously angry and i i've never been an overachiever but i just i stared daggers at him i didn't say anything i walked away and then every day after school like after practice i would go to the discus ring and i would throw and i got my throw up to like 130 something feet

i don't remember specifically but i increased my throw and i was like i just i just i don't know if he did it on purpose to make me mad i talked about this story like on a channel that will not be mentioned but like i talked about it but it's just like that just is the moment that made me realize how much i need that like fuck you i'm gonna do it anyway kind of energy like i need that like and it's no better source of motivation it's probably not healthy definitely not healthy but man oh when i feel wronged oh i just can't help but try to prove them wrong i love that i love moments too where you don't go out of your way to do anything but you get to see someone get like their comeuppance or karma and you're just like sitting on the sidelines sipping your drink i don't want to go

into too many specific examples of it but there was uh definitely one within the last year or two where uh i was just sitting back and uh happened to see someone that i thought had wronged me pretty good and it seemed like life had finally caught up to them a little bit and i had done nothing to you know get revenge or go after them or anything i remember kicking back and putting my feet up and i i went another like i think i ordered myself like some kind of treat or dessert and i was just like today's a good day because comeuppance when someone is just a dick to you for no reason or it feels like no reason or unnecessarily rude it's just nice when they're served a slice of humble

pie and i don't know what is about us like people where it's like we thrive off of that but there's something built into us where it's like i guess you had that coming and like karma when it works out well is such a beautiful thing yeah i feel like you can be the best person in the world and like have all the best intentions but when you see someone that you think deserves it getting what they deserve oh there's a spicy feeling it's very tasty i don't know is that feeling tainted at all for you guys because i'm not going to claim that i don't feel that and like that's that especially comes up for me in public situations when there's someone who's done something publicly that's just like really shitty or did something terrible and got no consequences

for it and then things catch up or something else happens like i always have that moment of like wow damn like exactly what you're describing but it's followed for me really quickly by like a sad twinge of like oh well i don't want to celebrate someone's misery even if it's someone who's demonstrably like kind of a shitty person or unquestionably a terrible person there's always a part of me where like i'll have that first reaction of like stupid douchebag yeah and in like seconds later i'm kind of like oh i'm sad now it depends for me it depends on what the comeuppance is if they're like physically getting hurt or something like that then yeah sure like then then i don't really root for something like that but if it's literally just

like someone committing a bunch of crimes for example right let's just someone's been getting away with doing like illegal stuff for a long time and they finally get caught and go to jail i won't feel guilty about celebrating something like that so if it's like they're literally getting what's due to them then i don't feel any kind of guilt about it but it depends on the severity of the consequence if it's something like oh man i wouldn't even wish that on my worst enemy then yeah like there might be a moment of like at least karma got him but man i feel like an asshole for being happy about it so it really just depends on that it's got to be like scooby-doo levels of punishment you know the crimes are never so severe more than just like i wanted it all to

myself this land or something like that and then they get arrested and you never see him again like if it's someone getting the absolute shit beat out of them like the crime had to have been proportional depends on something like that so another example of something like this there was not a huge comeuppance from this but it was me standing up for myself what i thought to an extent in college my senior my senior year, I took this class, like philosophy of sports. I love sports. Philosophy was my major. I was taking like two senior capstones and a bunch of other difficult classes. I was like, you know what, I'm gonna take like one class, it's gonna be kind of easy and interesting and just something I'm going to enjoy. And the professor for this

class was like brand new. I don't know how many times he had taught, but a lot of people took this class philosophy of sports thinking it was going to be kind of a breeze easy snoozer class and our professor knew that and was just inherently pissed off that people would take his class as the easy class so we had a textbook and we would go to class he would talk about stuff in the textbook and he liked to do these timed quizzes that we could either take at home sometimes or sometimes we take them in class i think they're mostly we take them at home and we were allowed to be open book, but they were timed. So we had, let's say five or 10 minutes to take this quiz over two or three chapters of this book. And some would like the different things would be like very obvious or interesting topics,

but his quizzes were always like the most obscure questions that sometimes had ambiguous answers, or sometimes it was just such a specific thing like what year did the shoe factory make the sneaker that blah blah blah blah blah and it's like we'd have to literally flip through the book to find these answers everybody was really struggling in his class i was an a student and i think i was like around a d plus or c minus halfway through this quarter i don't know if we're on quarter semesters our last year but i was like i was on the brink of failing this class philosophy of sports and i was livid because that was my gpa like my nearly perfect gpa was about to be ruined by this professor so i called

a meeting with him because the entire semester of my blood was boiling and we'd have we'd go over these quizzes every day or whenever we'd take And we'd go over these quizzes every day. Or whenever we'd take them. We'd go over them together. Because everyone complained about them so much. And we'd go over each question. And half the time he'd give some points back. Because he realized his questions either had multiple answers. Or were just written poorly and didn't make sense.

Whatever. Because he had redone his entire class to make it more miserable for everybody. But I called a meeting with him. A one-on-one meeting. And I remember telling him like point blank. I was like, this is not how teachers teach. I don't know what you're doing but it's not teaching this is miserable I'm not learning a thing in your class other than I hate you and I was like I literally like word for word I told him this I was like all I can think about every day going

to your class is how you're going to ruin my GPA because you're miserable that your subject is easy and boring so you're making it difficult intentionally I was like I'm about to go over your head and report you for whatever the fuck kind of petty shit you're pulling because you are going to literally ruin my gpa because you want us to struggle in your class rather than take philosophy of sports super seriously and i i had like an hour-long meeting where i basically just was very blunt which was not my style back then at all, because just it boiled to the point where I felt like someone was finally telling to him like it is, ended up getting an A in the class

and things loosened up a little bit toward the end. But I could not believe that he was so upset that people were taking his class because it was easy, that he was giving us these quizzes based on the most obscure information. I can't tell you a single thing I learned in that class whereas almost all my other philosophy classes i remember like taking something from it the only thing i learned from his class is that some teachers apparently don't want you to take their class because it might be easy they want

to make you suffer for some reason i don't know why i don't understand why but it felt really good to tell him like it was it felt really good yeah man i get that not everyone has a passion for teaching or especially their subject because i don't know how you work yourself into the position where you're teaching a class that you apparently hate to teach but at the same time it's like man you teach to teach people we're supposed to learn things that's the point that is the only point and so long as they're learning enough stuff to pass and maybe a class is easy because i don't know maybe maybe it's easy i mean the philosophy of sports sounds easy yeah you you win it should philosophy is interesting right because it's just like examining things closer so you like you take a subject like i was morals and ethics focus you take a subject you're interested in

and you look at it from a philosophical perspective of like for morals and ethics for example like one of our subjects i took a class that was almost exclusively about the topic of abortion which is a really hot topic right but we examined it in so many different ways from so many different perspectives that we like really sort of understood it and it was fascinating philosophy of sports could have been that kind of interesting examination of things but instead it was like what year was the shoes made that they used in the basketball game it's like who the fuck cares what does that have to do with learning anything i'm not gonna remember no one's gonna remember that no one cares about that and i just remember ripping into this guy i was like you could have made this so fun and

interesting we could have loved this class instead my senior year i have never had a class i have hated as much as this and it's two subjects I otherwise love. I'm getting passionate about it. I get heated. It's still, I guess it still heats me up to this day thinking back to sitting in that stupid class every day. Just like if looks could kill, man, the way I would stare down like I can't believe you have the fucking gall to even show your face after the quiz you gave us. Damn. Damn.

It was that awful. i could not believe it philosophy of sport my senior year was going to be my downfall i could not believe it wow but it all worked out in the end and you got to rip into someone for an hour so i think that that first person i ever like did that too like other than like you know you have fights with friends and family and stuff but like on a professional level i didn't i never especially like a teacher like someone you know has an authority over you like never i don't think i've ever done that to a boss or anything either yeah i mean it was literally only him and like i was legit about to go over his head but my like part of me was like i should talk to him first before i pull that i should talk to him first and i did and i'm glad i did but i

was so tempted just to go over his head and be like get rid of this please fire him take his teach just something I don't care whatever you have to do he's awful. If you're listening hope you're better now cause you sucked. Retroactively give you an F. I remember you Mr. Barnes. Oh you think you've escaped me. I'm gonna check my resume. No! He's kept your file open this whole time.

If that student had the gall to talk to me like that, my revenge is still in the works. What if we had people plotting revenge against us right now? Oh, I'm sure. There's gotta be some people that are plotting our demises. Have any of you ever wronged somebody to like, you can remember and you think like, maybe they're waiting for us to get our comeuppance i've never wronged anybody bob what about perceived slights or wrongs huh oh no i'm an angel yeah no no one no one would perceive

anything i've ever done as a slight yeah i'm always nice i've wronged every female on the planet probably because i got married and they're all very jealous of Molly. I imagine they're all just so upset that I'm off the market. I'm laughing heartily on the inside. Very good. That wasn't very good. I wasn't supposed to. It wasn't a joke.

Oh, that I'm not laughing appropriately on the outside. Very good, sir. Alright, well I'll just pop that self-esteem bubble. Alright, Bob, what about you for more opportunities that you have been wronged or you've wronged others i mean this is kind of low-hanging fruit but i worked in a lot of food service jobs and let me tell you fuck anyone who's ever bought a sandwich from me at the Jimmy John's that I worked at. Blanket sweep shotgun blast? Just going to go like that?

Well, I mean, it's hard to distinguish because there's just so many. But I have a couple general types of people that give me big old fuck you energy. This is not my joke. I can't even tell you. Lots of comedians have made this so it's i'm stealing this but like who who goes into a public bathroom anywhere but at a restaurant especially where you're presumably about to consume food and does whatever people do to get shit and pee everywhere who does that i don't know like what does your home bathroom

look like we've all seen those bathrooms but i don't know what do you do when you visit your parents or your friends or what am i misunderstanding are there some people who just really go nuts in the bathroom and it's like an experience for them and it's it's not their fault because i worked at the jimmy john's right across the street from college campus at the university of cincinnati and we were open until like 3 a.m and i always worked close on weekends when we were up until two i don't know i always worked until like three or four in the morning friday saturday nights because i was one of the few people that worked at our store because it's a college store who wasn't like such an unreliable

stoner that they would just not show up half the time or otherwise you know would show up like drunk or something if they worked on a friday night because it's college kids and they're they can't be trusted yeah i would show up to work and do a reasonably good job i wasn't always the happiest because it was kind of a shitty place to work but i did my goddamn job but like so who how how does that happen do you think like oh i'm not ignoring the motivations assuming someone's just absolutely drunk out of their mind how do you do that without getting it all over yourself which is the more terrifying part to me it's a skill it's an adult skill to learn how to

use a bathroom and you know keep everything clean make sure you wash your hands make sure that everything when you're done in the bathroom is nice and tidy kids aren't good at that well what if that's the thing what if they've never been taught what if every time that person walks into the bathroom they're just sweating bullets because they're gonna like all right trying attempt number 328 and they just shotgun blast poop all over the walls and they're like okay that didn't don't eat it jimmy johns you dumb piece of shit that's my answer to that no like like i get that some people are just so drunk or whatever the high or something they're just like this is gonna be so funny i can get them or whatever but i just i never saw a person walk out of the bathroom smeared in their own shit

so they clearly know how to keep themselves clean i don't know man that was just like that still baffles me how how does that happen why would that happen i can't imagine so that's one type the other type and this is this can be broadly applied to society, but this gives me big fuck you energy every day of my life I go in public. But especially at the restaurant. Who fucking raised you that you can't be bothered to crumple up the piece of paper that your sandwich came in and lift that heavy empty paper cup that your drink came in

and drop them in the trash can that's next to the door you walk out of when you leave. What the hell kind of animals are we raising in this country? People are so shitty about trash, about putting their cart back at the grocery store. What the fuck is wrong with you people? How? There was so much trash. Like, it's like no one put their trash away at the at the store that i worked at every hour it's like okay someone do trash there's no available tables because the tables are hidden under the mountain of trash every time that happened inside i had

customer come up and like okay yeah number five and add extra mayo okay and add peppers cool but inside i'm like this paper's gonna end up on the floor isn't it i'm about to clean this up in an hour and a half aren't i i fucking know who you are like it's boiling inside what's wrong with people there's been uh there's been some people i forget who said it first probably many people but have said that the ultimate test of whether or not you're worthy to be in a civilized society is whether you put your cart back after you shop it's like the ultimate convenience it's at most it's one lane down and it's return this cart and then everything at the grocery store can flow smoothly the people that go

get the cart and bring it back you don't have to bring it back to the store you just got to put it in the cart return so no one's car gets hit and if you can't do that then you don't deserve to live in society i don't know man i'm not gonna say that i've never dropped a piece of litter in my life because i'm sure i have accidentally like i open my car door and something falls out or blows out or like i throw something at the trash and a little piece of paper blows away or something like I've done it. But I have never once, even as a dumb idiot child, have I ever created a mess like that, like at a restaurant or somewhere in public, made a bunch of trash and then thought to myself, I'll just leave this right here. I gotta go. Not once. And I've never, ever not put my goddamn grocery cart back in the thing

yeah it's not even hard where do you even put it if you don't put it back it's gonna hit someone's car you literally don't give enough of a shit that you're like i'll just leave this cart in a parking lot where it can roll around or occupying an entire parking space that a family of four could use to park and go to the store. Fuck all of you. I got a goal. Like, oh, I just can't imagine working. And I'm sure anyone who's worked retail, food service, anything where you interact with customers in any way, I'm sure you're all out there like, yeah, yeah, work at an ice cream shop.

They take the free water cups and then they leave them on the water fat like whatever every every situation how many dumb assholes are there in our world and why aren't they being punished i feel bad at movie theaters remember like a popcorn kernel dropped but you watch people that just like pig out there and lose half their shit all over the floor and just don't even care step on it crunch it and then like leave it laying on its side on the floor yeah i'm mad that i have to walk over that shit on the way out of a movie theater yeah it's gross humanity doesn't deserve to exist i've changed my perspective just from reminding myself about these facts about our society we don't deserve it this is what retail does to us we need to be taken down some pegs because if this is how we treat each other and how we treat the environment in which we live

we don't deserve it it's too nice for us dogs should become our overlords and we should have to be leashed and collared with our rabies tags attached to our necks at all times because we are fucking terrible huh yeah all right i remember um we had a guy come in i used to work at a ice cream place in cincinnati called united dairy farmers and i remember one day we had a guy come in he grabbed a straw from like our where ice cream sits and he went into the bathroom and he was in the bathroom for what felt like 20 or 30 minutes oh no and we're all like what in the hell is he doing like who what that's not good dude blocks out doesn anything, just leaves. I think we were busy at the time. So we didn't even actually realize that like he didn't buy anything till later.

But go to check the bathroom because we have to clean them every day. And there's blood on the toilet seat. There's blood on the mirror. There's blood on the sink. There's blood on the floor. Oh. And I didn't know if I was supposed to call because it's like blood like a biohazard So I'm looking all this blood. I'm like do I mop it?

Like sure I've had the occasional person shit on the seat shit on the floor piss everywhere whatever like I've dealt with that I've dealt with the dirty sink Yeah I had never in my life walked in and felt like I was watching the fucking movie Carrie where there's just blood splattered all over the goddamn room. And this guy walked out perfectly fine. I don't know what he bled from. That's not good.

Yeah. I was wondering if he actually walked out and, you know, you didn't notice him and he just exploded in the middle of the bathroom. Maybe some other guy walked out. No, he just bled everywhere. And I just, I didn't know what to do. So I just cleaned it up I put on some gloves and I just scrubbed the fuck out of that bathroom like two or three times Feeling disgusted that I had no idea

Why there was blood on so many different levels of so many different surfaces that it didn't even make sense where he could possibly be Bleeding from unless it was like his nose or something but even then you know the infomercials where it's like the guy's carrying a bunch of tupperware or like all the car washing stuff and he goes like this guy got a paper cut on his palm and he just slams into the mirror and slams onto the floor and slams into the ceiling i can't stop it was on the back of the toilet seat the sink it wasn't on the knobs or anything it was like on the side of the it was just it was so weird it looks like he intentionally was just like i'm bleeding better put it everywhere i mean i have no idea only saw that guy the one time i don't know if he just went home and died or what the

fuck happened to him but like he bled all over our bathroom and all he did was grab a straw and go to the bathroom that's some next level stuff he must have taught all the poop people from jimmy johns because there's a training course you can take to how to be the biggest asshole at a restaurant or a fucking that would make more sense to me than people just behaving like that and thinking to themselves like oh it's okay oh man i'm struggling to see what the straw was for he just grabbed a straw and went in i thought drugs i thought like snorting cocaine or something i don't know but i i have no idea it's a milkshake straw maybe he snorted something and then it just didn't go in right and it just came back out and there was some blood and it just went everywhere

maybe it was like a nose volcano i don't know yeah i don't know how drugs work i've never done anything other than like drink alcohol so i don't know but you see like in the movies you know they'll grab like a little straw or something they'll like it's a tiny straw they'll like snort like a line or something yeah yeah but this is a milkshake straw oh yeah dude needed to do a lot of drugs or something i don't know that's weird man no that's that's what happens, man. You take some drugs, it starts gushing out of your eyes, and all you can do is try to keep them closed, but they'll swell up. Your eyelids will fill, and then you got to blink eventually.

That's drugs, man. But it feels great afterwards, apparently. So I've heard. Oh, yeah. No, it's so good. It's worth all the death stuff. Dude, the blood high. Oh, you can't beat it, man. It's so good. It's worth all the death stuff. The blood high? You can't beat it, man.

It's just stellar. That's not good. Kids, don't do that. Don't do any of that. Don't chase the blood high. The blood dragon's not worth it. The blood dragon. Gotta get this blood monkey

off my back. What was this episode about about i have completely lost where we are nobody fucking knows bathroom shits but if i hear about one of you listeners going to a grocery store and leaving your cart outside of the cart corrals there is no excuse doesn't matter if your wife's giving birth in the parking lot you put that cart back or else the baby's gonna be cursed no the baby's gonna be cursed oh if it's cursed that's pretty bad shit in the toilet don't bleed all over our bathroom yeah bleed in the toilet if you're gonna bleed all over the place go to one of our competitor locations go hit a bp station and bleed all over their stuff go to ameristop

we don't want their kind here go and go get yourself some texico oil and bleed all up in there oh you got the blood dragon chase you want the sunoco down the street yeah that's where you gotta go they got the big straws it up shell for all of your bleeding needs uh the speedway freezy straws are the biggest straws in the market. It's causing a huge bleeding problem at all the Speedway stores. Get a slushie, a straw, and a band-aid. Go fuck up our toilets, you sick fucks. You get a Speedy Freeze for 69 cents. Hell yeah.

Plus the nastiest blood high of your life. The Speedway is not happy about this i don't think we know how drugs work you ever go to a very very fancy club or something in the bathroom they have a straw dispenser they're gargantuan there's a size of my thumb they're amazing there's a guy there holding a towel he's got a tray of straw thumb they're amazing there's a guy there holding a towel he's got a tray of straws to help you snort for you dude boba places are gonna be in so much trouble they're even pointy straws it's made for that don't ever snort drugs throughbo curly straw i can't look at a water park the same way i just i feel the itch oh god

you just see a kid walking around with like a cup of the curly straw and you're like oh the drug possibilities really aerate the drugs before it goes into my nostrils oh man i could bleed all over 10 bathrooms with a straw like that well uh to reel us back in uh to the realm of reality i think we have shown the true depth of mankind and all of our limitations and all of the expectations that have been heaped upon us whatever that means it's called depravity it's depravity is what i was depravity depravity yes the depravity of mankind knows no limits in the future we'll have technological advances that allow us to become even more depraved at even higher speeds than ever imagined oh yeah i imagine a ted talk just like trying to enhance depravity fucking internet of depravity

anyway thank you uh gentlemen for reliving these traumatic experiences for me for my entertainment i'm so angry i'm real mad now i thought that teacher fuck bleeding guy have i have i ever told you about the the ram guy from micro center no no the ram the ram guy i i just like the ram guy no i only i only this makes it sound like i saw multiple times but at micro center like i was working the cashier and we have to say do you want a replacement plan or whatever it is the the sure exchange plan it's the stupid plan they try to upsell you because they make money off of it i'm required to say that as part of my job and this guy buys ram and you know ram comes with a lifetime warranty i know this because this guy told me because when i said hey do you want do

you want do you want? Do you want a replacement plan and it's like he was waiting for this, you know It's the anime moment where he pushes up his glasses with his middle finger and he's like, oh He he actually do. Oh he yeah, he was like I was like, oh Actually, you think I need a replacement plan for Ram? Ram and he held up the box and he turned it over to where it said lifetime word Oh, actually, you think I need a replacement plan for RAM? For RAM? And he held up the box and he turned it over to where it said lifetime warranty. He was like, this device that has a lifetime warranty. He actually laughed like in my face.

And he looked around as if he was trying to get other people to laugh at me. Like there was no one. No one else was in line. It was like there was one guy at the cash register like across the aisle and i was just like and he's just like and then he stopped laughing and i stopped talking to him and then we finished the transaction in pure silence because i just i just could not stop staring at him i was just like i couldn't believe it i couldn't believe that like i had to deal with this like on top of of all the like horrible returns that i've dealt with in that job none of that was more infuriating than this one guy who thought it was so goddamn funny that i tried

to sell him a goddamn plan that i know is a scam but i have to do it because it's my job dude that situation you could never do this because you'd get in so much well you might not get in trouble but it would potentially get you trouble but all you have to do is just look him dead in the eye do what you did and say nothing but add the plan i just keep bringing him out hope he doesn't look and he gets home and then if he calls if he complains you can be like yeah well i asked him and he was like yeah i want a lifetime warranty on my ram and i was like i got you buddy his response was unclear play dumb games win dumb warranties can you um asking for a friend uh return a plan

for ram that you may or may not have purchased no whatever the opposite of actually is that's what you just did to them

wade yeah all right okay anyway to wrap off this episode of how fucking dare you

i am tallying the points. Bob, you got five points off the bat. Two, three, three. You have a total of 13 points. Wade, you have 15. That's an accurate tally. I was just adding points as time went on. So that makes Wade the winner.

I guess I'm moving back to Cincinnati and peen house is going to be a thing. Yes! Peen house! Peen house! Peen house! Peinnati and peen house is going to be a thing yes we house peen house peen house peen house peen house peen all right so everybody at home uh wade is going to be paying for me to move back to cincinnati and bob bob was bob part of this yeah this can't happen without bob it's got to be all three of us right wade is going to be buying a house for us to all move into going to be paying for our flights you can expect this within the next few months can't wait to see you, buddy.

Congratulations on the big win. Anything you'd like to say? You guys are going to get your comeuppance for this. Just you wait. Alright. Our comeuppance to Cincinnati so we can live with you. Yeah, I'm buying the flights and house right now. Alright, cool, man. Cool, yeah. Make sure it's first class.

Yeah, make it a big house, too. Nice house. Big and nice. Alright. Big, nice house. She won't be picking it up. I only pick out houses that leak a lot. We need separate yards for our dogs. I don't want to. One house with three yards. Got it.

Divided into quadrants. It could be one big yard. It just needs lots of fences. Yeah. From bird's eye view, it looks like a radioactive symbol, just with the three quadrants. Like, I don't want any. And I shit all over the walls,

so you're going to want to get me my own bathroom. I'm just warning you What's the straw situation in this house? Make sure to lay a dispenser in every room. Well, we still use

plastic straws, even though they're not as good as the paper straws because we want to make sure they're reusable for all your drug blood needs. Right. Can we get drains in the floors?

Can we just put those into every room? We'll just make a murder house. Yeah, we'll get... All right. Well, thank you, everybody, for listening at home. Hope you learned something about this. Hope you got infuriated by someone

that has wronged you in the past and you are plotting your revenge to take on them as we speak. We live to bring people up so that we can bring others down. That's our motto here at Distractible. Thank you for listening and thank you for joining us, Bob and Wade. You can find them at their various social medias or

right here on Distractible, which is the most important place. And subscribe, follow, like, whatever this podcast so that we can bring delightful new stories to you every week, Monday. Thank you for listening. Podcast out.