Distractible - How To ABCs

Episode Date: March 6, 2026

Professor Wade "Bald" Barnes quizzes students Mark and Bob on their knowledge of the alphabet. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Weaving Wade goes Mickey, advocates xenomorphs, then challenges the chaps to raucous relays. Morgan Mark smells Wade, hits the red rug, fears glam bot, gets the judicial call, ejaculates, and F-bbs, beat down Bob, jerks off sea nanners, finds fabulous farts, fibs about his globes, stops orgasms and masturbates, from psychopsovision to breakroom potentates. It's time for how to ABC's. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hey, everyone.

Welcome back to another episode of Distractable. I'm the host because the wheel chose me. And let's be honest, that's the only reason any of us ever really. when is if the wheel chooses us. If you've never been here before, this is the show where one of us hosts, the other two compete for points. Whoever has the most gets to host the next episode. And as always, my two co-hosts, Mark and Bob are here.

Hello. Hello. Hi. How y'all doing? Good. I'm good. Pretty good. How are you?

Host? Oh, I'm doing okay. One half of my eyes work right now, and it's great. Wait, is your good eye or your bad eye, the one that's working? Do you have that, or is just a me thing? My left eye is more dominant, and my left eye is okay. but whenever one eye's not okay, it really screws with you. But probably worse if it was my left eye, that was blurry.

Yeah, you're fine. You're fine. Shut up. Okay. Don't shut up. Oh, you know, I was going to, I should have taken away a point, but I'm not ready on the points pads yet. So you're lucky. You're lucky. I was a test and you failed. Oh, man. Just wait until I get this pen in my hand. I'm going to remember these things.

I know. You probably won't be able to read it anyway. I'm not that scared. Yeah, you're a jerk. Come on, guys. I've almost got. No, I wasn't saying he was a jerk. I was saying he's an idiot. Please. Save it for the episode. Wait, this is the episode. I can smell you through the internet. I can smell you. Morgan Freeman, is that you?

No, but that's what I was supposed to be. Isn't that a C-Nanders video? Oh, right. It's like, Gassie Mexican and C-Den-Denner. And he's like, they're playing prop on. And he's like, can you hunt me as Morgan Freeman? And he's just like, I can smell you. I think you're right.

Videos probably 12 years old now. Oh, I think it's older than that. I got bad news. Points are ready to be going down. Bob, I forget all the mean things you said, so you do get a point for that reference. Yeah, I'm such a nice guy. I earned a point accidentally during my insult session.

You are the nice one. I'm like the inverse Grinch. The cinch? What's the opposite of G? Is there an opposite of a letter? Snurg. Ah. Oh, we're playing that game, are we?

No. Well, you can't play whatever game you want, but no, that's not my game. Everybody loved that game, if I recall. It was fun. I enjoyed it. Didn't you guys yell at each other because you were doing it in different ways and then getting mad? Sure, but I still had fun. Especially since I knew I was doing it right.

And Mark did too. I'm inferring from his noises. Oh, I'm the host. I'm going to move us on. I was like, what now? What happens next, guys? We usually, and we'll continue to, start with small talk. So I guess anything new, anything good? I got a few fun things. I'm going to the Oscars. Really? Not because I'm going to win anything or I've been not. nominated, but I've been invited to the Oscars. I've never been invited. They have my address, right?

Because I haven't seen anything yet. Oh, oh, it must be in the mail. Yeah, must be in the mail. I have no idea, because I've been to like premieres and stuff and things like that. This is, I've been to obviously the Emmys, but those are the family and children's Emmys. What's going to be different about this one is like I basically being forced to walk the red carpet. But I'm curious. I'm curious this time if it'll be different than it usually is.

you know what I mean? A lot more sneers and dirty looks coming your way. Actually, you're probably right about that. They're going to ignore me harder. There's going to be one dark, like, mahogany carpet, and you're just going to see a mouse with a bat waiting for you to walk down that way. Oh, no.

Mickey, no. Really fucked up this time, pal. You're going to need to send help for this. You know, Sam Ramey sends his regards. Allegedly. Yeah, that covers. legally covering any kind. What that happens in real life will be covered.

That's pretty sick, though. Are you like borrowing a suit made of mole pelts or something crazy? Are you doing the whole thing? Mole pelts. How'd you know my suit, man? Look, I'll follow the industry. What can I say? I have my finger on the pulse, you know?

Kashmir. Mole pelts. This is the tricky thing. I do have to get like a really nice suit, which I have some nice suits, but it's like by someone, you know, a designer. or something and I'll have to be expected to pull like a gaga man show up in something crazy be like in a ball full of blood like wearing an oxygen mask or something like yeah I'm not gonna lie that's pretty cool I don't know how to do that I think they'd be really pissed if I just got blood all over the carpet you should just do it yourself no it's like it's like one of those hamster balls you know the things people like fight each other in like they roll at each other down the hill in the balls you still have those balls from unisonous on us when you kicked Ethan in the nuts yeah I'm sure somewhere just bust out one of those It'll be fun. I show up in one of those.

It's like, I only have this much air in there, and I'm just dead by the time. I'm just going to be floating in this blood ball. If you have performance, no one would forget. Everyone would remember you. That's true. That's the goal. That's the goal. You're right.

That is the goal. Anyway, it's not usually my thing to go to events like that, but I'm kind of obligated into because I'm working with YouTube a lot for things. And it's not this year that they're hosting the Oscars, but I think next year or the year, or the year after that, uh, YouTube TV is going to air on the Oscar or the,

Beph, editors flip that. I don't want to say it again. Oscar is going to air on YouTube TV. Scratch that, reverse it. Yeah, whatever. 2029, actually, so it'll be quite a few years. But one of the people at YouTube got me an invite.

So, well, that's pretty sick. I'm about to be ruined by Hollywood. I have a reason to watch the Oscars now, just to see if there's a moment where they pay. hand past you and I'm like, oh, because that's all it's going to be. It's going to be, I'm sorry.

If it's fucking, what if you, you like walk in? Because it's all assigned seats, right? Or at least some of it is. Like, they give you a thing and you walk in and you're like,

what? It's like, F. 20, and it's like fucking Samuel L. Jackson or someone is just sitting there and you're like, Spotlight's going to land on. It's be like,

everyone, raise your hands for Mark and Walberg. Mark Wahlberg. I'm not nominated for anything, but I keep... I know you'll probably be like up in the balcony or whatever, but you'll be in there. You'll be breathing the same farts as those people. You're right. They got great farts. I probably will be just like shoved off to the side.

But hey, you know, it's an honor. No, that's cool. Wait, if you're walking the red carpet, does that mean you get to do the cool motion video rig thing where they have the celebrities do a little po? And that guy got fired for some reason that I don't understand, even though his stuff was always awesome? I don't know who that is, but maybe, I don't know. I don't want to, glam bot, I think it's what it's called. Glambot, that's the one.

I don't know if I want to do that because the risk reward is so low because either I fuck it up and everyone who's made fun of it and I've probably made fun of it at some point. It's like, ha ha, you can't do it right. Even though it's turning and looking at a thing, you know, that's really all it is. Or I'm immortalized as yet another fucking meme for some stupid face I pulled.

And I didn't know on the fucking glam bot. I don't think that there's any winning for me of doing that. You're right. You basically have to do it. No, I have to run. So what they get you on glam bond is, is looking at it and fear and running. Pretty much, yeah. Then that would be the meme. Yeah, you're right. It's you realizing and then like, that'd be a good one. And then it just starts following me.

It's like a minute long one when they're usually like 10 seconds or something. And then you just see it like go through my chest. A big explosion of blood out the back in front of the lens like, and I'm deep. And glam bot's immortalized forever. That's how I want to die. Get aliened by a glam bot. Well, now you put, if it came from the back and burst, like a chest burst or glam bot, that'd be kind of cool.

Yeah, well, if it's chasing him. I'm assuming he's not running away backwards. Yeah, why would I do that? That list looks, it's running away backwards just so he could be like, hey. Don't forget to like and subscribe. So got to pull a face. That's pretty cool, though. I hope you enjoy the Oscars.

That sounds fun. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I hope that's fun. That seems like it'll be. fun, maybe kind of boring, maybe kind of weird, but hopefully pretty fun. I mean, it'll be a little weird because of things for me always are a little weird. I'm still going to be like, why am I here? I don't know why I'm here.

They're going to have, I figure what the movie was that you were competing with for number one with Iron Lung, but they're going to have you present them an award just to like rubbing in. It's send help. They're just going to get an award to make you present it. Like, oh, surprise award presenter, Markiplier. And like the last thing I want to do is present. I don't really like the idea of presenting things.

I don't know why. It's just like it's not my thing. You're like reverse Tony Stark. You don't like handing people things. What a reference. Nobody pointed and said that was funny. I'm crushed. I thought it was funny. I thought it was funny. I know, but you just laughed like a nerd. I went straight to giving you a point. What's better than that? See, look, Wade, that was funny.

See, that's what I want. No, it's an insult. Oh. It was so good. I went straight to the point. I bypassed laughing. went straight to the point. I'll take it. Oh, so Mark's going to the Oscars. Bob, what's your competing small talk? Don't have diarrhea today for the first time in a while, so, you know, I'm doing pretty good. Oscars, tummy troubles, you know, I'm feeling pretty good. No, I haven't had diarrhea.

Don't slander me like that, self. This, well, this is equally stupid compared to Mark's thing, but my car had a recall on it. I've owned this car for like a year and almost two years now. And since I bought it, since before I bought it, this recall was out. It's one of those ones where It's like, it's not going to kill you, but like at my break at some point and be very inconvenient, but they were in no rush or obligation to like fix it. So I waited for a long fucking time. And on Friday this past week, I dropped it off and they had my car Friday through Monday over the weekend, which was again kind of annoying, but they're fixing a thing.

And it has been for the last year, every time I turn it on, it goes, bing bong, there's an open recall on me. You should get me fixed. And I've been like, fucking. I would if I could, right? I had to like wait my turn to get finally got it scheduled. I dropped it off and I was like, okay. So you guys are going to fix the recall, whatever, you're replaced the part.

And you're going to turn off the thing in the software where every time I drive my car, it tells me that there's a recall, right? Because now I got it fixed. So I don't need that anymore. And the person at the desk was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, they're going to fix it. And I was like, I don't think you answered my question. I think you just kind of waved me away. but I don't care to talk to you anymore

and I'm gonna assume it'll be fixed. I got my car back yesterday. It was on when I got it because the guy like pulled it her out front and I got in. I didn't drive it again until today. I got in this morning. Turned on and I was like,

ah, it's good to have my car back. Ding ding. There's an open recall on me. I was like, fuck. God, geez. I'd rather they'd just fix that and didn't even fix the recall. God damn it.

So now for the rest of eternity, my car is just going to be like, there's a recall. Fix me! And I'm going to be like, shut up. Just be a car. God damn. I'm surprised that you got a notification in the car because I got, I get mine through a letter.

I've had two recalls on my truck so far. The first one is like, there's a minor thing in the roof thing that could leak sometimes. And I'm like, oh, they just need to change the rubber gasket. This next one I got a letter is like, sometimes if you put it into park, it will not be in park. And I'm like, that's, that seems like bad. And it's like, solution, we don't have one yet. We're working on it. And I'm like,

interesting, interesting. No hills for me. Only park on flat ground. And be careful what you aim it at. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, it's kind of fancy that I got on my own dashboard. My car was like, I have a recall. But also, why would you do that to me?

But I'm sure it'll go away on its own, right? That sort of thing clears itself up eventually. It'll realize it got fixed. And then it'll be like, oh, I don't have to do that anymore. And then it'll be fine. Plus, I'm going to the Golden Globes. Not as cool as the Oscars, but pretty fun. Some people say it's as cool.

Are you actually going to the Golden Globes? Yeah, obviously. You didn't get your invite? Maybe my mailing address just hasn't been updated. I'm one of the three hosts of Hit Podcast Distractable. Why wouldn't I go to the Golden Globes? Which I think already happened this season. I don't remember.

Right. Okay, so that is a lie point. I just want to make sure. No, I'm not. Whoa, hey, I'm not lying. I'm going to the Golden Globes. Yeah, he's going to buy a pass. We're going to buy a three-day pass.

I'm going to get a meet and greet. We're going to start scheduling stuff. I love the gaming panels, the Golden Globes. They're doing a special reading of a secret episode of Welcome to Night Vale. I don't know what the different awards are even for. Golden Globes and Oscars are two different movie awards. But there are also other awards ceremonies. The few of the proud of the Marines, that's not one.

It's like, let me think of some other awards. If I had to guess, I think the Oscars, the Academy Awards, are more prestigious. I think it has to do with the voting. The Academy Awards, the Academy votes on them. I don't know who votes on the Golden Globes, but it's not the, it's not the Film Academy of whatever the fuck

the Academy is or whatever. But like, also doesn't the Golden Globes also do TV? I believe it does movies, but also television awards, I think. Maybe I'm not, I should know this. And this is me talking about this is going to get me excluded from any possible thing ever, but... You could still win a country music award.

Top hit on Reddit is. The main difference between the Golden Globes and the Oscars is that historically, the Golden Globes are rigged while the Oscars are not. I don't know what that means, but that's probably information that is totally internet true. I hope Blueprints wins. Game of the year. Game of the year. Game of the year. Me, been still into Pokemon fan games, been wanting sleep. I don't know if I had really good steak. There's a steakhouse in San Texas State, Brazil. We've all been there.

Went back. Oh, good. Getting very busy though It's becoming like Soto where like you have to have a reservation a couple weeks out because it's very busy Very busy

They got the meat And escalators outside Still broken I don't think it's their fault Is it actually broken? It was when we were there The one going up was shut down I think I'm three out of three

For going and getting to use the escalator up as a staircase But then at the top They had it blocked off It wasn't blocked off at the bottom So you could use it as a staircase When you get to the top You have to like step over

Or move the sign that keeps you From going in And it's like that's concerning Why not block it? lock off on both sides. No. But, you know, meet good, still alive. Hey, you survived. That's good. Good job, buddy. Unless you guys have any more small talk. I mean, I've always got more. Bob, I've always got more. Mark, you had a lot of cool small talk. I gave Bob, a lot of small talk points. Anyway, so I got, I got more. Mine was way more relatable, you know? I just, I got, I got more. I got called for

jury duty. Ooh. Are you going? I don't know. It's the way it works in, um, because I got told for jury duty back in Ohio. And it was like, you show up for that court case. But in L.A., it's you are on call to be a juror for one week, right? And so if you are called in, you report and then do the whole juror selection process. And I'm concerned because when I did my first jury duty, I was picked as like number two juror and I was like 19 years old. So something about me seemed presentable and professional. So I got to show up disheveled, dirty, just absolutely uncaring. But where your Oscar's blood outfit? No, I can tell you, if you wear your director hat and some sunglasses, when they ask you to introduce you, be like, oh, I'm Mark a Plyer.

You may have heard about my moot. They'll immediately be like, mm-mm. Yeah. We're using one of our vetoes. Get a T-shirt that says Jesus was a mushroom. Or just do the Brian Regan bit. I don't know that one. I stole six cars.

I killed three people Oh victim Victim No I don't know that one But it sounds funny Am I allowed to talk About the court cases

After it's been done Probably not supposed to The real thing is If you do get picked For something It's gonna be really fucking boring Like not that people Want to be on a murder case

Because like then you're dealing You have to see things And learn about things That are potentially You know terrible But it's a much better chance That you're gonna be on a thing Where it's like

No this guy defrauded California Out of Taxes money And we're gonna prove it And it's like great I love reading documents. Explain it to me. Hooray. That was a boring thing about the last one.

I won't get into too many details. But it was basically that. It was being like, they're squabbling over. This guy didn't pay this much about this. And it's just like, you don't want it up on like a high profile case. You end up sequestered. It's like you're going to be away from everyone for a long time.

And that would suck. Can I make YouTube videos? They won't let me make you do. Yeah, that sounds like content to me, baby. All right. Hey, just me and our jurors, room 29 at the old Yeh Hotel. It's your boy, Marky, Mark Epleyre coming as you live from the jury deliberations. We have a verdict that you get it first if you're a paid subscriber.

Let's check out juror number eight. Last time you said she was the hot one. That's the kind of stuff you make, right? Yep. You know my gonda's oh well, man. You're such a dog, Mark. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. You guys are funny, you know that?

Did I get any points for it? Oh, yeah, man. How my points did I earn for all my jokes, I told. Oh, I don't know. I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna start right. writing some points. Oh, good, good, man, good, thank you. You know what a fun trial is I wasn't on a jury. So in Ohio, whenever I got called for jury, dude, I don't know if it was for federal or for a local, but it was the thing where I had to call once a week for a month. So

like four times I had to call to see if I still had to be on the jury. And then like one of the times they were eventually like, you will not be on this jury. You don't have to call anymore. I was like, okay, cool. And that was the only time I've ever gone through the process, but it was like a weekly call in. Whatever I was working at the courthouse, I went and I got to sit on on some of the Warsheck. I think it was Stephen Worshack. Basically, was the smiling Bob, the This is Bob, like penis pill trial. Huh? That was a fun one to sit in on.

You just don't remember the, the Hi, This is Bob commercials? I remember the, yeah, like the Seattleis commercials with Bob or whatever. I think that was the guy. What commercial? Hi, this is Bob. Penis pill? Yeah, it was always like him, like, waving and smiling and then, like, his wife with sunglasses, like, looking whenever his trunks would fall off.

Oh, oh. I think that was the group. I might be misremembering the company. I think it was Worshack that was the owner. The article here is the rise and fall of the Cincinnati Bona King. This would have been great for yesterday, last episode. I was working at the courthouse whenever that one came in. So a lot of the details of the case were actually really sad in the pricing

because people got scammed out of money and stuff. But like the overall theme of the boner pill stuff, funny. It was a big mixture of funny and sad. The topic of which was interesting. If I remember right, one of the details was like, I think it was an open trial. Like people could come and media was in there. But like they got a cute.

used of and I think found guilty of basically like having a subscription thing where it's like, oh, so sign up for a free thing. But you have to give your credit card and like you couldn't cancel or something or it was really hard to cancel. Those commercials were great. Unfortunately, sometimes people running companies aren't good. Shock, shock. This episode is brought to you by T-Mobile 5G home internet. You already know that T-Mobile 5G home internet is ridiculously easy to set up with a price that doesn't feel like you're getting scammed every month. But here's something new worth noting. T-Mobile now is the fastest 5G home internet, according to the the experts at Ukla Speed Test.

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fastest based on ootl speed test intelligence data, second half 2025. All rights reserved. So we have a game today. It's going to be a combination of a couple different games that we've played. I don't think anything that anyone said was a segue, so I can't give any segue points. We've done episodes of how to, how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, how to boil an egg, how to do all. We've done that stuff before. We've also done a game where you two will talk to each other have to start off a sentence with the following letter. Like, hi, how are you? I am good.

How are you? Tangeros, man. They're every, you know, H, IJK, whatever. I might just skip the letter in there. We're going to do some how-toes where you two work together to tell me how to do something while playing the alphabet game. I'm ready for that. Easy, low effort.

And I'll even, I'll leave this up to you guys. Do you guys want to just pick the letter you start on and then the next time the next person I'll get to pick the letter? Do you guys want me to do the random thing again? Random. And so we're working to. together to sell this, right? Yep.

I'm just going to pull up a picture of the alphabet in front of me, so I can't fuck that one up. I'm going blind. I don't need any crutches. All right, I've got, I've got a wheel. We love our wheels. I've got a wheel with letters A to Z in front of me. So I'll be spinning that to see where we start. To see who goes first, Mark, you're first in the line here, so you'll be heads.

Bob, you'll be tails. Tales goes first. Bob, you get to go first. All right. So your topic will be how to train for a 5K when you hate running. Your starting letter is... N! N isn't Nancy! Does this have to be like everything we say is like one sentence?

Like it's a list of instructions kind of deal? One sentence I think is good, yeah. Nobody likes running, but you're gonna try. Orgasmic pleasure awaits you with the runner's high. Pleasures you can only imagine until you know how to achieve such a mystical, mythical high. Retro-grade ejaculate. is achievable when you run. Do we just skip a letter already?

Yes. Oh, fuck. I got my... You thought I was lying, but I am sitting here staring dead ass at my picture of the alphabet. No one is getting any shit past me.

You're right. Man, I really need that. I'm not going to do it, though. No, no. Come on, man. We could do this. We can do this. Should I back up a dragon?

Sure. You're on cue. I'll help you. Quick! Act now and you'll be running marathons with pleasure soon. Running is easier than it seems. All you have to do is run. So, so, so easy! That's what this tutorial is about. How easy running is and that you should go run right now. Understand. The only thing standing between you and orgasmic pleasure is your laziness. Very lazy boy. Very naughty boy. No orgasmic pleasure.

orgasmic pleasure for you. When will you learn that pleasure is beyond your comprehension are right around the corner? Xerxes could run for thousands of miles and he may have been a god but we'll get you running a 5k in no time. You'll never compare to Xerxes, let's be honest, but you could get close. Zebras maybe. They run a lot but I bet you could keep up. All you need to do is buy our special shoes to get you started. But you could only buy our special shoes after you've paid our subscription price, which is 3333 a month for first-time subscribers. Compounding interest applies. You're going to pay a rate of 3899 APY.

Don't worry about that. Give me your credit card info. We'll get you signed up right away. Get the shoes shipped right out. You'll be fine. Everyone who's bought our program before has been very happy about it, especially with your orgasmic pleasure. Don't forget about that. Funny how I forgot to mention. Also, you need our special running shirt so that your nipples don't get chafed and fall off. Gino is no laughing matter, which is why our compression shirts will get rid of those man boobs. Hernias neither.

Compression shirt and compression shorts and compression girdle, hernias be damned. I'm wearing it right now. Look, do you see any hernius? Do you see? No hernius. Just so you know, we can't make any medical claims about the benefits of our compression clothes. I am just telling you that colloquially you're very unlikely to get the hernius. Knowing is half the battle.

Loser! Loser! Is that what you want to hear? No, so you better start running, you loser. Move! Move! Move! You gotta get to the phone first, so you can call our number, order our shirts, then our shorts, then our shoes, and you'll be on your way to Fantastic 5Ks. Do we start on N or O? N. Oh. And that's it! This is our simple 26-step plan to get you running 5Ks. That was very funny. I got to give the point to Bob, though, because he didn't miss any letters there. You know what? I think you might have been cheating, but, you know,

oh, can I declare unfair that he can't have that? Oh. You just said it, so I can't stop you. Well, you did say it. I think it's unfair that he has that. I'm not going to lie. I did give you a point mark for not using letter help, but we can still declare it. All right, here we go.

Let's see. All heads, Mark wins, all tails I win. Well, we can decide after the fact All tails, we have to go backwards through the alphabet, and I still can't look. Oh, fuck. Fair enough. I'm down.

No, I like that. Good suggestion, Mark. Oh, I'm hoping for all tails. All right, here we go. I'm hoping. Oh, it fucking hit the floor. Hang up. I got one.

That's head so. I don't know where my coin went. I don't think it matters. Some data scientist wants to know what he had. That's true. Hey Where to go? What the way?

Hey. Bob, it's right behind your ear. What the fuck? Okay, it's gone, I guess. I'm holding a very cool pose with this. I actually just don't see it. All right, it doesn't matter. That would be a nail biter if both of us got the same.

Oh. It's the lion, which is tails. All right. Okay, all right. I tried. The coin has spoken. Everything stays as is. Do you want me to stop using it, Mark?

Do you want me to stop cheating? No, no, no. The coin spoke. The coin spoken. I thought I could get an advantage, but, uh, you know. I know, but I want it to be fun. Gonna make a note of do alphabet backwards, though. That's a great idea. Oh, no. The next one, Mark, you will start us off.

How to escape a Zoom call without anyone noticing. Oh, I see. Your letter is P. Pretty much everybody has been in the situation. You're in a Zoom call. Boring you're to tears. You've got shows you gotta watch. You got places you want to go.

How do you get out of this? Quick! Find a dummy online that looks as much like you as humanly possible and dress it in your clothes. Remember, when you're looking this up, you need to keep your eyeline on the camera so they think you're paying attention. Some people forget about the camera, but you could do almost anything if you maintain eye line with the camera. It will look like you're engaged and a great, great employee. Take a screenshot of your webcam, grow it up big, and make sure you have a printer nearby that you can print out a full copy of it. Understand that you might have to give up the clothes you put on your dummy forever, but it will mean you'll be able to get out all these Zoom calls you don't want to be trapped in.

Vava, boom! Oh no! I forgot about the noise the printer would make. You got to be shush-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh about it. When they don't hear the noise the printer is making because you were shush-sh-sh-sh-about it, you'll be scot-free, and then whatever you printed will help you to get out of the thing you were doing. Zanthum. You have a whole drawer full of it. of it. Obviously, anyone would start popping that end too loud. Too loud, too proud.

Yum, yum, zanthum gum. Mm, down to my belly. No, don't swallow it. That's dangerous. Zeus himself would judge you if you swallowed that. So don't. Anyway, dummy that looks like you, printer noises, Xanthum gum, I think you could see where we're going with this, but let's move on to the next step. Buts. Buts are the most distracting of the human body part. So don't get it in frame at all or they'll pay attention to you. Common mistake to get your butt in the frame. So listen to that last one. That's an important one. Another common mistake is to get your front parts in front of your penis into the frame. Dicks, Dick, we call them Dicks. Dicks are all the second most noticeable thing. Booms are probably third. Weirdly enough, the little dimple.

on your back above your butt, fourth. Fifth is your, your collarbone. So keep those puppies down. Everything off screen, except for your visage, really. Just the face. And don't look cute while you're doing it. Everything boring. Everything ugly.

Face. I don't know why he's using fancy words like visage or something, but get real close so that you can print it out, chewing your gum, keeping your butt out, and make sure you're covering the printer noise. Once it's out, here's what you're going to need next. Great googly-mooglies, it's time to get your favorite children's book. No one will begrudge you reading a good book during a meeting to help stimulate your neurons and stay heightened and focused. Hip, hip, hooray!

Once they've gone into a deep slumber from the book that you have been reading them, you can then take a piece of tape, take your printout, slowly and carefully. Scratch that quickly and fastly. Put it up over your camera. If that works, which it will, you're basically done. There's only one more very important step. Just open your ears and listen. This is the most crucial part of the entire process. And here it comes.

Knuckle down. Toughen up Buttercup. It's going to happen. You're going to do it. It's going to be great. Listen, listen, listen. Ears, ears, ears. This is all what it's been building towards.

This moment right here. Munch your Xantham gum. Never stop with the Xanthum gum. Chew, chew, chew, chew, chew. Don't swallow. Nobody likes the swallower. Never swallow. No, no, no.

But pay attention. Only one step left, and it's this. Fucking run! Get out of there, go. You're free. It's time. You've done everything we've asked of you to. Go fly, you fools.

I think that's all the letters. It's all. Yeah, yeah. Great googly boogily and va-voom, man. You know how I always am whenever I'm in crisis. Vava, boom. Take dropping the coin really threw me off my game. Oh, no, it was so funny.

A-game, A-game here. How to fake knowing what you're doing at a wine tasting. Or how to fake being a wine connoisseur. your starting letter is C. Connoisseurs are a simple bunch. Pretentious. Excited to agree with anyone who seems pretentious. They'll go along.

You just mainly need to be confident. Dumbasses. All of them. They think that one wine's better than the other. Everyone knows it's all grapes all the way down. There's literally no difference. Especially the red ones. Red wine all tastes the same.

It tastes like if grape juice got spilled in some dirt. And all you're doing when you're doing when you're pretending is finding fancy ways to describe exactly that flavor. Foot fungus. That's basically what wine is. They mash them with their tutsies. They get all their athletes foot in there. You're drinking liquefied fungus from feet.

Greasy foods help. Whatever you're drinking, make sure that you're eating the greasiest thing you can to go with it. The grease really opens up the palate is what they would say. Hi-ho, hi-ho. It's off to the tasting you go. You are prepared, but don't you worry. We're gonna be there the whole damn time for you.

We're gonna be there for you. Oh, I don't know we're doing songs. Uh, I got it. Oh, it's just, uh, I want to drink from the champagne bottle. The champagne bottle. Um, I don't want to do that. We skip where we at? What letter is that?

Uh, no, G-H-I. What? We didn't skip shit. G-H-I. What do you mean? Oh, I. Okay, that's by bad. You're perfectly fine. What did you think I screamed at the top of my reign?

I don't know, man. I just, I lost my, that's my bet. I'll deduct a point from me. Just pay attention to us, your guides. That third guy, we don't know him. He just kind of follows along. Knowledge is the enemy of success in this endeavor. What you really want to do is pick a loser and make sure everyone gangs up on him.

In our case, it's Wade. Lubrication is the spice of life. You need social lubricant with alcohol. You need personal lubricant with, you know, and you need mental lubricant so you can get those neurons firing. Masturbation. I don't know why he wouldn't. He said, you know, it's masturbation. That's what you need personal lubricant for.

So don't, don't mix that up. Not everyone is crude. Some people like to be a little more subdued with their dialogue, you know. Oh, now I'm crude. Oh, now. It's fun when we're not giving instructions. But oh, now. Oh, Bob's so crude.

Wow. Hold on. We're holding. We're holding. Oh, crude. I'll say I can stretch it. Wait, I thought I knew. Okay.

This is going to be so worth it. Plantibacillus plantarum lacti. Let's just get to the main brunt of it. That's the bacteria. That's the fermentation bacteria that makes wine really taste, you know. whatever. Sure. That was just my response.

That wasn't the next one. I was just allowing him to demonstrate his, uh, calm down. Uh, if you really want to, uh, nope, wait. Car de Chon, that'll wow them. If you want to wow your, your fellow wine connoisseurs, just drop that the car de chan,

uh, the famous Coat de Leon district of France. famous vineyard and everyone will be like wow. How's that spelled? Q-U-A-R-T-S Deschaum. Orchard. Orchard.

You grow grapes in an orchard. Wait! What letter are we on? And, oh, fuck, wait. R-R-chard. The original foundation of Orchard is roared churned.

Swine, there's a reason swine and wine are almost the exact same word. They go together. Drink your wine and eat your swine, but don't drink your swine and eat your wine. That's what I say. Torture. Torture. Sometimes these wine tasting events feel like torture. You got a tough through. Oh, fuck, man.

Where did we start? Oh my gosh. See. Okay. A long way to go, Unorthodox. That's the kind of wine you want to focus on.

Everybody knows about the common stuff, but you want the unorthodox wines. Vineyard. Another word for orchard. Worcestershire sauce. It's another flavor you can. could describe a red wine having Worcestershire sauce.

X is the spot. X marks a spot. You're there. You've made it to the location. Our cryptic clues have gotten you to the tasting. So you're there now. It's time to not die.

Your palate won't lie to you. Whatever your. It tastes, that's what your wine tastes like. Zaza juice. Some people in history have called wine the zaza. Don't ask who, it's not an X, it's a Z. Just remember when you're getting all fancy, they care about this shit. I don't personally, but when you get to the vineyard orchard place, ask for the Zaza.

Anyway, look, I feel like we've gone down on a lot of rabbit holes here. The important thing is be as douchy as you can. They love that shit. Wine connoisseurs are there for the duchiness. Boredom. Boredom. It's just the way it's going to be. So get used to the boredom.

All right. That's all the letters of them. Man, I love when you end our bits with all right. Oh, man. Dude, I was laughing so hard during all of this. Oh, God. It started with Roarchard and it just didn't stop. I'm not funny enough to follow that up

I was just so perfectly done guys oh thank you yes my orchard roarcher perfect plus now you know how to drink wine Zaza that's with a Zine on an X I'm sorry are you familiar with Zaza spelled with an X it's you know Zaza Zaza Zaza Zsa Zsa Zha Jaja ha ha ha ha actually every letter could potentially be Zaza

Who started that one? Bob, did you start that one? So it's Mark again. Yes. We'll do one more. It'll be two and two. How to build a throne out of office supplies to become leader of the break room. Wait, what?

Was that not clear? Wait, wait, what? How to build a throne out of office supplies to become leader of the break room. Okay. This is a classic how-to. Classic, yep. Your starting letter is K. King, we know you to be truly the ruler of the break room, but the other peasants don't know it yet.

How do you get your crown? Look doubt on them from your throne. That's how you get your crown. Becoming king is purely about stature and status. Monarchies were built with the blood and bone of those lesser than you. So let's identify first who is your lesser. Non-archies were built by not building a throne. out of whatever materials were available in the kingdom.

So let's identify where is your kingdom? Openly declare your intentions to your fellow workers. Shout from the top of your lungs, I am the king, you're all my subjects, I will kill anyone that opposes me. Piously allow them to remain living in your kingdom to show that you do have mercy, even though you are a mighty king. Quack like a duck. It sounds random.

It is not. This is very written in history. At this point, you must quack like a duck. It's going to throw them off a little bit, but your dominance will be asserted. Run in circles while you quack. Seems counterintuitive. Might seem silly, but running in circles is a key part of the quacking. The quackening, it's often called.

Suck anything nearby that gets within your circle of influence. It doesn't matter. It sounds strange. Again, this is how kings are made. It is not normal. But you are not normal. They might laugh at you. But people often laugh at things they can't even comprehend.

You are their king and you know that is the truth, so you must stay strong. Undress immediately. Your mortal clothes are not fit for a king. You will be getting more clothes, but now they need to bask in the glory that is your body. Vigorously whip your penis back and forth to demonstrate your obvious superiority and take full advantage of your nudity. Women or those who may not have a penis, whip whatever you can. Anything and everything will work so long as something is whipping in one direction.

More vigorous the better. Zillinous clothes await you in your royal. Bezillinous meaning of or like cotton. Await you in your royal throne. You will be clothed in glory along with kingliness. Zebras should be dancing through the building at this point. Do not be alarmed as part of the process. They know where they're going and you know where you're going.

I'll do it. Oh, fuck. It's so good for so long. Oh, that's true. Sorry, I was writing something down. I completely missed that. Oh. You don't need to know the exact.

order of the alphabet. You're a king, goddammit. Sounds man! Act like one! Anyway, we were going to decide what your kingdom was. It's the break room. The whole break room, that's your kingdom. Whatever's in the break room, that's why you have to build your throne out of. Getting back to the important points here. Breakroom's the best place for a throne room because that's where everyone goes to rest, and that's where everyone will go to pay homage to your kingly and or queenliness. Can't take a break without going to the break room.

That's what my manager always said. They're forced to be your subjects. It's a beautiful system. Doors. Rip every door off of every other door in the office. Bring it to the break room. There's nothing that says king or queen like big doors. Elevators are just breakrooms that move around a little bit.

So don't forget to take advantage of your elevated break rooms. Funnily enough, you'll need to take the elevator doors as well. Everyone will be able to still ride an elevator. It'll just have no doors. It'll be a little scary. But this is not for the faint of. part. You're about to be a king and or queen. Greatness does not come easy.

It will be confusing. Some people will die, but you will be great. Death. Am I right? I am. Isn't it glorious just to imagine the future where everyone has to pay

tutelage to you and collect taxes and start beheading people? Just king stuff, you know? Just gather some chairs, plop yourself on it, you're pretty much there. All right. Well done. I mean, that's funny. Funny. Ah, you did it. Thank you. Guys, I did my points differently this time. I did two columns and it's so much more legible.

Whoa. Whoa. It's so much more legible. That's crazy. Is it though? Oh, I think so. Let's get to the points and see. Uh, I'll start with me. I got minus one point for being an idiot. Mark, you got Oscars. Mickey coming. Jury duty. Funny point. No letter help, because you didn't have the letters in front of you. Vava voam. Butts. Distracting. Nobody likes to swallow. Hi-ho. Plante yada yada? Oh, you looked up a word. Planta, whatever that word was. I could not keep up with it. Rochered, Porcher. X. Marks the spot. Quack and suck.

Ha ha ha. You lost three points for skipping Q. O. Orchard, you did orchard at first instead of roared, so you skipped the R. And why there at the end? That's fair. That's fair. All fair. Bob, you got points for Morgan Freeman, remembering. Mole Peltz. Reverse. Tony Stark. Good poops.

Car recall. Going to the Golden Globes, which is a lie point. Loser! Running. Great googly boogly. Fucking run. You stretched out time for Mark. When Mark was working on a letter at one point, you bought some time.

That got you a point. I think you looked up a word. Again, I didn't get a good, Quardis, something or another with a Q. Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know what it was, but I think you,

you named something. Was it the, no, that's Zillinus. I've got Zillinus and Non-Arkey here as well, but it looks like it's, this is the one I can't really read too well, but it looks like it says,

Q-U-U-U-R-D-I-S-A-W-M-Quardism. That sounds like a word? No idea, but you got a point for it. I didn't count our totals here, so we got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fourteen, fifteen, minus three, so twelve, or mark.

How do we do lie points? Do we just count them? And then if something comes up on the wheel, it changes, does count them as normal first? Is that the rule? I'm not going to tell you. I think you should do them however you want. So right now the score is fourteen points Bob with a lie point, twelve points mark. Negative one me. Pretty good, pretty good. And then we got our wheels. It's not the worst. It's not the worst. How many spins will there be?

three again. Look at that. What to add, what to add. Hey, we're closing in 100 options here, guys. This is going to be number 95 on the wheel. Oh, damn. Let's give a point for chivalry doing something to help out. Like, if you do something to help out a teammate or your opponent or the host, if you're just helpful, you get a chivalry point. All right. Three spins, shall we? Oh, yeah. Oh, damn. Add 10% chance to the one-man show. It is. It puts us at 28%, I think.

Yeah, plus 10. We are at 28%. All because of 10%'s being added twice. Yeah, we started at 6, and then we added 12% in one episode and 10% in this episode. I'm sure that won't come up for you, Wade. It'll be fine. Yeah, hopefully. Oh, shit.

Hey, look. Okay, well, this one is obvious. I think Bob has to have this one because mine is black and it's basically close to white on the background there. He's got like... Salmon pink to purple, I believe would be pretty close. I don't even think I have to measure that one. Bob, do you argue?

No, I do think that's pretty likely. Oh, what more spin? I got a chance. Oh, well, that goes to Mark, I guess. I think I get that one. Yeah, I think I do. The final score is Bob 15, Mark 13, after the wheels. Mark, you get to lead us off with the loser speech.

And you can use whatever letters of the alphabet you want. You know, I'll put it this way. In life, sometimes the lose. are really the winners. I'd like to take a textbook out of Sam Altman's book of business, right? Open AI, they're set to lose $200 billion, like in the next year. They've already written that off. And, you know, some of those other companies, they only lose a couple billion, you know, like 10 or so.

And people used to think that was a lot. But sometimes there's new depths to losing that we have not yet reached. And I intend to lose harder than ever. And by doing so, we'll see who really is the winner. We'll see. Well said, I think. Bob. Feels good to win, you know?

I participated in today's episode with my words and my voice out loud. And for that, I earned it. It's not up to me whether I think it was funny or not. It's up to Wade. And he pointed and he said that was funny. So, points don't lie. Points don't lie. True is true and fair is fair.

The coins don't lie. Points don't lie. And there we go. Well, said. Well, thank you guys for participating. I'm making it really, really funny. I did get some good laughs in. I hope you all enjoyed watching.

Congrats to Bob for winning. If you haven't already, go follow the boys. Mark at Markiplier, Bob at Mysker, me at Minion 777 or Lord, Minion 77777. We have merch sometimes at distractible dot shop. So keep an eye over there. The next one, Bob will host. We'll see what he comes up with.

Until then. Podcast out. Good Guamman, Mark. Yeah, are we guamin? What happens when I do two? Do I go double Guam? You disappear from where you are and you reappear in Guam. Take me to double Guam!

Wow. Double Guam. You know, the editor is like, what the fuck is double Guam!