Distractible - How to Make a Best Friend

Episode Date: August 23, 2021

The guys give absolutely the worst advice on how to make a best friend... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production with your hosts Bullish Bob, Machiavellian Mark, and Winsome Wade. This week, the Treble of Trouble give handy directions to the forlorn on the identification and charming of a platonic twin flame. It's how to make a best friend. Please prepare thy notepads and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome to the Distractible Podcast. My name is Mark Blair and I'm going to be your host for this week's episode. I'm joined by my good friends, Bob. Say hi, Bob. Hi. And Wade.

Howdy, everyone. Yes. They are who I like to refer to as the losers from last week. And this week, as we do every week on the Distractible Podcast, we will be discussing topics of conversations and we will be having a bit of a battle of the minds, a test of will, an exchange of ideas and information where we can talk about whatever we want. And I, as the host, get to play judge to their good and or terrible ideas. How are you doing today? Oh, I'm doing real good. Thanks for asking. Cool, cool, cool. Okay, great, man. Man, this small puck always just firing on all cylinders right away. Look, I'm good.

I actually got a good night's sleep, but I was woken rudely by a crazy-ass blue jay banging his head on my window because apparently it's mating season and he is DTF the window for some reason. I don't know. Well, the reflection probably saw.

I also had a seagull and a crow having a rap battle on my balcony. I actually have video of this. I will post this somewhere at some point unless I don't. And then I didn't. Who won? Well, the crow ran away. So actually, I can't answer that. The seagull won. answer that the seagull

won and then the seagull started doing something crazy i also got this on video like it started opening its mouth i thought it was yawning at first but it kept doing it not lying i'll show you guys the video it's just like open like i thought it was gonna throw up or something but it did it for like a minute straight like it was like as wide as it could opening as wide as it could it stuck its tongue out and everything was it making eye contact with you did he see you and just be like this is my balcony i mean honestly like i started recording then i moved the the shade out of the way and it looked at me and then just kept going at it so i'm pretty sure did that bird thing where it snapped its head

sideways and made one eye eye contact oh yeah sounds like seagulls wait did you have any bird related morning issues well i had to deal with something even crazier my phone just kind of kept buzzing and buzzing it turns out it's called a phone call no it was just my alarm. Oh, okay. That was close. I set like six of them. Make sure I get up today. It's not any better, man, but I love the assumption that he... You're looking at your phone and there's a weird name.

I'm like, oh, Greg, I know that name. Yeah, my phone. It kept showing a picture of my mom's face. And it kept saying mom and just buzzing. And I was like, shut up, phone. I know that's my mom's face and it kept saying mom and just buzzing and i was like shut up phone god i know that's my mom shut up you don't know me when did apple put reminders in ios of who your family is i should never have put in family information in my contacts i wish it was something that clever but no no nothing nothing crazy i was up late and up early and that's it you were up early what time is that in numbers just curious uh 10 55 a.m god how are you alive

yeah i got up at uh 3 50 today oh what time did you go to sleep 8 p p.m. You went to sleep? Yes, p.m. Okay, I went to sleep at 4.30 a.m. Wait, why would you have assumed a.m.? Well, maybe you slept for like 20 hours. Why would you assume that I was asleep for 20 hours? I went to sleep an hour and a half ago, and I woke up in six hours. I've pulled that off before where I've been so tired that I slept for like a full day. All right, sure, man.

Yeah, but that wasn't the case in this scenario it's better than assuming you're 90 years old and you're going to bed at 8 p.m i went to bed at 8 p.m okay all right grandpa that is pretty early like i'm not gonna mock you for that but that is that's is that is that normal for you you're going to bed no no it's it's not normal i could go into the long spiel it's just like when you're in solitude there's this weird effect where you want to sleep more. I don't know what it is, but that's like a thing in the Mythbusters

episodes where they did the cabin fever experiments. They just slept a lot more because you're bored and you got nothing else to do. And for me, as soon as 6 o'clock rolls around, that's when people stop calling me and I have to stop doing anything and so I just get tired. Anyway, that's not the point.

Today's topic of conversation that these two beautiful gentlemen have prepared and that I will judge them upon is the conversation of best friends and how to solidify a friendship from just friends to best of friends. You're not going to make any if you're going to bed at 8 p.m but yeah let's do it to be clear when we discussed this previously it's best friends for life right yeah for life has to extend now i don't know if the idea have anything to do with changing how long those life is but i will accept and judge any idea on the merits solely of effectiveness,

of best frienditude, and will it reach the end of life? Who would like to present their title of their... Me, me, me, me, me. Think first. Go for it. I don't feel good about it, so I'd rather get it out of the way before Bob gives something great. You really need to stop underselling it before you say it.

And by that, I mean mine is so good, it's going to blow everyone out of the water. Bob, you'll never live up to the genius that's about to roll out of my mouth. I'm excited now. All right, the title is You're Going to Like Me as Your Friend. I guarantee it.

Said just like that. Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah. No, this is an original sentence definitely uh by the way everyone at home just for just for legal sake this is not real advice never take it i think that every time i say words this is an original sentence i just thought of this you know what would have been a better title is this is not real advice do not take it because i would have been very curious to hear what your idea was at that point well odd that's the subtitle that's the

that's the colon apostrophe underline book one damn man he's killing it but it has so many iqs i don't stand a chance you got anything to beat that all right the title of my pitch slash plan to get a best friend for life is You couldn't if you wanted to now that that's interesting. Okay, that opens up a lot of doors Am I the friend in this situation? Are you still in the front of me? That's a lot of captivating energy I give it up out of 10 Well, it's not up to you. I actually did like that title. It intrigues me. It titillates me. What if it's a completely 100% empty clickbait title just to win the title battle so I get to go first? Well, then I will assign points justifiably after the fact. But you get one point for winning the go first thing.

Do I get more points for that? For not winning? For losing? I remembered I was going to deduct points, but I remembered we couldn't go below zero, but I'm still feeling it. So you're on thin ice, mister. Take that, Bob. I'm going to give you a point.

I'm taking it away. There we go. Wow. So does that mean I win? No, you had zero. Go ahead, Bob. Okay. So my goal, this is me.

This is my life. My goal is to secure a best friend for the rest of my life okay i have no friends right now i have nobody oh i have no family i'm alone i need by any means necessary to secure a best friend so that i have someone to spend time with and i have someone to you know pick up beer on their way over to watch the football game or something. I don't know. Whatever friends do. I don't have any, so I don't know. Clearly, given my current situation, I'm not good at making people like me using my personality, my wits, my words, my original sentences. Something is gonna miss. I don't know if I'm just, you know,

my mind works differently. Who knows? But I have a scheme. I have a way through which I can secure a friend for life and they couldn't leave me if they wanted to. Step one, I need to use my wealth of resources. I'm rich by the way, because I have no friends or anyone. I focused on my career and I've become very successful. I use my wealth of Batman-like resources. I buy an expensive, fast car. Super cool looking. It turns a lot of heads. It attracts a lot of attention. I buy, along with the car, an elaborate pre-planned system of plastic tubing, valves, T-joints, sprinkler heads that aerosolize liquid as they pass through them and a huge reservoir in which i'm going to put five gallons of pig's blood oh i have no questions i have none continue you with me i have one question okay go ahead why specifically pig over like cow it's illegal to buy

human's blood okay is it i didn't know that is it actually well okay i'm wealthy i'm batman you know what screw it wait you're actually batman well i'm batman-esque i'm not trained like batman but i'm rich like bruce wayne and you buy human blood i get my own blood i get my own blood over the i this is an extended plan now you can buy human blood oh that's concerning you can actually buy human blood? Oh, that's concerning. You can actually buy human blood? I don't like that. Is it like when you buy allergy medicine, you have to give an ID because you only buy so much per month or something?

I don't know. What's to stop some dude from selling you his blood? I mean... Is there anything? It's an exchange of hazardous materials. Blood-borne disease and illness is a serious concern. You don't know... But between two consenting adults? exchange of hazardous materials blood-borne disease and illness is a serious concern you don't know but but between two consenting adults like i don't know what they do at the blood bank

when i donate blood do they just go behind the door and just like they could do whatever they want with it yeah there's definitely some serious blood addicts at the blood bank who just have a real if there was ever a place to be a blood addict at. No, that's very carefully tracked. They take it and they test it and make sure it's all good. And you don't have any diseases you didn't disclose. And then it's all labeled. If like a couple pints went missing every time Jerry worked at the blood bank. One, someone would notice because they need that.

And two, they'd probably ask Jerry, what the hell? Wait, does drinking blood make you a cannibal ooh I see a vampire right yeah, but like does it have to be like specifically flesh you have to chew to be a cannibal You can't just swallow yeah, well they say auto cannibalism is like if you like chew it your lip and you bite your nails Yeah, you buy your nails, but if you like actually eat, I don't know just does eating your boogers is that the same level? I don't know snot counts as your physical physical body what's the difference between that and blood it's all if you get a nosebleed it drains in the back of your throat is are you then like a vampire is the point that it's sustenance because eating eating meat the point is to eat to live eat to sustain yourself with nutrients and energy does blood give you sustenance absolutely or does

it just give you really gross hydration it's got oxygen can you breathe blood they're not just oxygen all of the nutrients that flow through the body flow through the butt but the blood technically yes the blood the butt the well maybe you should continue your story because i think mark's having a breakdown continue i'm bringing okay listen we don't have to go down that story because i think mark's having a breakdown continue i'm bringing okay listen we don't have to go down that road because i've decided i'm planning this months in advance right batman once every couple weeks i sit down and i suck out pine of the old body goop and i've got my own supply of me blood oh it's your blood yeah so this works even better

i didn't want to buy blood but using my own blood does not make me uncomfortable in any way. So I've got my expensive car, got my complicated, drawn-out pipe system. What I do is I take all those plastic pipes very discreetly. They're small. I install them in the headliner in the joints of my very expensive car, creating essentially a blood shower inside the car. creating essentially a blood shower inside the car so i've got this car rigged up to be absolutely destroyed with my own blood and then the next part of the plan is location you know what they say location location location i knew the third one good job man yeah no you knew you got it oh yeah

gotta find a spot where you can inconspicuously have a trailer drop off my very expensive sports car already crumpled up and upside down without anyone seeing it. And also plant some stereo speakers close enough for the sound to sound like it's coming from the car, but not too close or in the open where anyone can see it. Somewhere where I know the target of my scheme to entrap a best friend for the rest of my life will be at some point. Let's say someone always gets lunch at the same place or you know where they go to the bank. You know they go to the bank every Sunday afternoon or something. You set this location up so that I can be in the car, in the position with

the sound cue ready to go at the correct time without the person the target of this being aware step three the players with my unbelievable amount of money i am going to rent two actors with emt costumes which two like extras i don't know they don't mean anything they're not even people to me something like vince vaughn or something but all right i feel like that would be really obviously a red flag. Yeah, Wade, use your head. And why Vince Vaughn? I don't know. He's got brown hair.

Wade's a big Wedding Crashers fan, I'm sure. Just get Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson together, and they're going to be the two guys that approach this dude. You like fall off a ladder or something. Like, oh, God, 911. They show up. Yeah, Owen Wilson walks that way. Wow.

Your leg's broken. Wow. Oh, God. Oh oh god vince vaughn hey see not such a bad idea is it yeah but then he's gonna be their best friend ah sorry it would just be owen wilson saying wow and vince vaughn riffing for like 40 minutes all right sorry bob continue my idea okay we've got the ambulance we've got the actors they know what to do the execution of the plan is next all you have to do to get a best friend for the rest of your life so you wait you get this all set up get the alleyway set up maybe you have someone blocking it maybe you have a inconspicuous curtain with a picture of what the alley normally looks like just hung across i don't know you have a little diversion. You get this set up. I climb into my sports car,

strap myself into the seat and get the go button ready on the bloodbath. I don't want to be sitting here saturated in my own blood, but I want to have the bloodbath ready to go for when the show starts. Then when the target is approaching the alley, about to cut across the alley, about to go into Schlager's to get their usual sandwich on their midday lunch break that they always get because they're very predictable good solid

dependable best friend good choice thank you you have the timing down right before they're about to cross the alley you hit the go on the audio cue the very big expensive loud speaker system you have plays audio of a sports car revving its engine tires screeching crunching crashing flipping an unbelievable scene playing out all via audio your best friend in waiting from around the corner hears this and is absolutely terrified but also feels like because they're a good person and that's why you chose them they have to help someone has had a horrible accident and they have to help at this point you trigger the blood bath because your friend is about to come rushing around the corner you go in the blood bath close your eyes in your mouth you don't want any of that in there it goes in

your nose because you're hanging upside down in a sports car at this point and there's no way around that but it's worth it to have this person as your best friend for the rest of your life they come rushing over your car crunched up upside down they look and they're like oh god oh god they get down on their hands and knees by the driver's side window they look inside blood is everywhere caked there's no way this man is alive. They look. The window's cracked. They're not sure what to do. Luckily, there's a pipe laying on the ground right next to the window.

Part of the setup. A nice metal pipe for them to smash the window with. They're freaking out. They're not sure if they should touch you. If they're going to do more harm than good. And you're like, you look at them. At this point, you look over. Terror in your eyes.

Gripped with the fear of death approaching. And you say, help me. Get me out of here. Please, you're my only hope. Your friend frantically grabs the pipe, says, cover your face. Turn away. You do that. They smash the window.

They reach in, just blood pouring out. They can't believe you're alive. They, through the blood, through the smearing, through everything, they reach in. They unbuckle you're alive. They, through the blood, through the smearing, through everything, they reach in. They unbuckle the seatbelt. You crumple onto the ceiling of the overturned car and they pull you, hands under your armpits, out onto the street. They look you over.

You seem fine. You hold your neck like it's at your neck and you're like, oh, I got a PAB. This is too much blood. Can you hold? And they put their hands on your neck. They're so adrenaline rushed right now they're so in this they can't even tell there's not a wound in there they don't

know where the blood came from but they're like i gotta save this guy's life they put their hands on your neck pressure stopping the bleeding and you're like i'm okay i don't know you feign passing out they're saving your life right now they're literally with their bare hands keeping human alive. It's terrifying. It's a miracle. It's unbelievable. They were just going to get a sandwich. They didn't know their life was about to change forever. As they're sitting here pondering this, taking in the unbelievable situation, your actors pull up in the rented ambulance. They come over. They see the scene. your friend caked in blood you've discussed the lines ahead of time they're professionals they know what they're doing they

make it sound very medically you know some applied bandage or something and they tell your friend like you know we've got this we've got this they put you on the stretcher they roll you into the ambulance uh they they tell you where they're taking you it's a private hospital it's actually just your mansion an entire wing of your mansion, and neglected to say this in the setup, has been set up to look like a very high-end private hospital. One, that's impressive when your new best friend shows up because they'll know you're rich.

Two, they have to take you to a hospital, so you kind of need that detail. But you have this private hospital. They've never heard of this hospital, but they have to check on this person they just saved. They literally held your life in their hands. They have to make sure you make it. So you go, you whisk away in the ambulance, the person sitting there caked in blood, the

entire front of their body just wrecked with blood, drenched, soaked through. You have, you know, a wrecking crew sort of scheduled. The person is disoriented. They don't know what to do. They wander home, get some fresh clothes, take a shower. Remember that in the pocket of their pants, they have the information for the hospital that the emts that they're going to take you to and they're like i gotta go check i gotta make sure your new best friend arrives at the reception desk that you've set up in the east wing of your mansion the receptionist says how can i help

you visiting hours are over and the friend says no no no no i uh i saved this guy's life and the emts brought him here and i just got to check on him she's like sir if you're not family he's like listen i saved this man's life i just need to know if he's okay and she's like you know what just what's his you know what's his name i'll check like i don't know he's in a terrible car accident though and he had a wound on his neck that i stopped the bleeding with my own hands like okay okay okay okay clearly your friend is agitated, and the receptionist, obviously, is gonna let him see you. That's the whole point.

So she feigns and feigns and builds anticipation. Finally, she's like, he's down the hall, room 503. It's on the right. Comes wandering down. You have a huge dressing on your neck. All the machines you could think of to rent. Even shit that doesn't make any sense. There's a dialysis machine in here for some reason.

Anything you can think of is in this room, beeping. It's plugged into you. It's all full of saline. Nothing is happening, but you just want it to be dramatic. It's like a mostly machine-filled room at this point. Come, he peeks in the door and is like, oh my god. And you're sleeping, you're resting.

Your hospital gown, big bandage on your neck. Little fake nicks and cuts everywhere. It peaks, he stands there in the doorway. You sense your new best friend's presence. You turn your head over the window, like you can barely lift it, and you motion for new best friend to come inside. You come in, and you're like,

I can't believe you're alive. I'm the one who pulled you out of the car. Are you okay? Are you gonna be okay? And you look them dead in their eyeballs. This peak moment of them feeling like a hero, hoping desperately they did what they needed to do to save you. And you say, I owe you my life. Whatever you need, I'm here for you forever. And in that moment, with the perfect delivery and fake injuries on your body, you have secured a

best friend for the rest of your life. No matter what happens, no matter what they learn about you, how much of a piece of shit you turn out to be because you're a super multi-billionaire, you're probably a horrible person. I guess it's me in this scenario. I'm a horrible person. They couldn't leave if they wanted to

because they saved your life. You owe them a life debt. Plus, you're really freaking rich. So you just buy them a gift if they get mad at you. Well done. Well done. I'm standing. You can't tell, but I'm standing up.

That might be the greatest story I've ever heard. I believe every word of it. And I will award you a point for every dollar you had to spend to make it happen that's a lot a car alone was a quarter of a million dollars I could not stop laughing once you talked about the speakers

because up until that point I had no idea where you were going with this and then when you said blasting out a car accident I was like oh my god this fucking idiot tell me that person isn't isn't attached to you for life after that traumatic experience in terms of efficiency obviously not but insecurity and like there's no sure things in life but this guy is gonna be your friend for a very long time the only thing i would have said

is that you know because you are naturally not a friend type person up until this point however you made a point of like just buy him a gift and yeah absolutely the best friendships are built on gifts i mean the the real beautiful part of this plan, is you'll know if the new friend figures this out, right? They'll obviously be very upset by that. But that means this is a reusable idea. Oh, yeah. You can create new death-defying situations where your friend gets to be a hero again and completely refresh all of those feelings. The adrenaline and the bonding experience of escaping death

and defeating the devil and all. You can do that. You know, whatever. You got to refresh maybe every five, 10 years, whatever. Keep it spicy. To the same dude? Yeah. For life.

You're committed to this friend now, but they're just going to think you're some crazy ass billionaire who gets into bad situations and they're like your dr watson constantly saving your ass they go into schlegels again they are boom bang by and it turns a plane that's been laid out very carefully just gallons of blood rocketing blood shooting out the back of the plane it's overflowing he goes into schlegels he like he like opens his sandwich and blood just starts pouring out of the sandwich. What's that severed finger? Okay, one of them has to be later on in life.

You cut your own finger off. You pay the guy at the sandwich shop to put it in a sandwich, in your friend's sandwich. With a note that says, if you ever want to see your friend again, go to this pier at 9pm tonight. And it's like a whole thing. Because that could be anything. Yeah, but it says, if you want to see your best friend for life again, before the end of his life, you must. It's an infinite resupply of good, strong, real friendship that you can use over and over.

Well, so long as the money holds out, which I'm assuming it will, considering these schemes. Oh, I'm endlessly rich. I don't question that with these schemes you're gonna go real far oh yeah so all right so that was great good job Wade please applaud very good wait now it's your turn well remind me of of what the title of yours was. You're going to like me as your friend.

I guarantee it. And the subtitle. I don't remember. All right, I won't count that against you because you have no points to count against. All right. Go ahead. So, look, Bob had one of the greatest tales I've ever heard in my life. It's tough to compete with that in principle. However, the inherent flaw with Bob's story is you have to actually literally be Batman to pull it off.

You have to have so much money to pull it off. What about the average person? You know, we're not all Bob. Mark, you and I don't, we know what it's like to not have anything. Yeah, yeah, man. We didn't all grow up with Batman's resources. So the average person wants to make a best friend. You can't just go out and have an infinite pool of wealth to work with.

So what are you going to do? You got to make it happen with what you got. So my way of making a best friend is adaptable. The different situations, different levels of funding, etc, etc, etc. But to begin with, you got to meet the person. You got to know who you want for your best friend, right? So you're out and about. You're grabbing some lunch.

And there across the room you see them someone that looks slightly worse than you would make you look better in social circles but funny enough nice enough to where it's like you know what that person's my best friend i need them as my best friend you can tell all that from a look well you know you can be looking for a little while don't just glance you can be staring across the room yeah yeah be funny damn it well it's funny you mentioned that because the first step is eye contact you want to make direct eye contact and you want to maintain it as long as possible they look away you don't they look back they remake that eye contact you hold that gaze they're aware of you they know you're there so done they're aware of your presence now you gotta get to know them you could be direct you could walk up to them demand

their phone number you know force conversation but at this point once you've established eye contact you've asserted dominance in the friendship i think it's better to be sneaky you find someone that knows them you find a way in you get their phone number from like the yellow pages you find them on facebook you friend them there or you get someone else to friend them there you uh find out someone that goes to their house they leave their house you're like hey i lost so-and-so's phone number do you happen to have that so i can give them a call about their leaking faucet or something and you find a sneaky way to get that phone number right you get the phone number you call they answer hello who is this click wow all right damn man they're wondering could it be that guy who made eye contact oh god how do you get my number and the fear starts to set in which is perfect keep doing some probing around find out information stalk their

social media profiles you get that info you however you can you get it step one's accomplished you got an in baby step two face to face now at this point you've either chatted with them already or you've gone about getting their information a different way either way they're aware of you and the fear is there so now you got to find a way to talk to them again you got to get that face to face now that the fear is set in a bit wait you said you chatted with them what was the chatting you can go up to them and get their number or you can go was that the breathing was the breathing the chatting no i think you're saying in the first interaction you may have chatted with them to get the phone number or you may have been sneaky oh okay you got options you didn't have to but you may have chatted with them to get the phone number or you may have been sneaky. Okay. You got options.

You didn't have to, but you could have. All right. But it's important at this point, you get another face-to-face or the first face-to-face. Doesn't really matter. Either way, you got to establish one. So you can go like Jim Carrey and the cable guy. You can go about finding out something they need. Maybe break a pipe of theirs, go into the plumbing business,

get them to call your company and go in. You can do something like that. Fix their cable, whatever. Or you can wait wait get an anonymous phone number call their house tell them like oh your mom's in the hospital you better come check it out or something get them outside the middle of the night and then once they're outside you walk up and you greet them and you say probably with like a voice modulator or something just to add some of that fear like hello dave and they're like who are you i'm your best friend and you know it doesn't really matter what you say from there you just say those words and then you let them go on you peel off

okay you disappear you let them go they have some hope that you're not gonna like you know do anything crazy i mean you always want to visit your friend right so they go on whatever they find out oh it was a prank call but eventually they gotta come back and when they come back that's when you're ready so what do you do do you go into their house with them you could you can use their premises but you know you don't really know what their setup is doesn't really matter the important thing is you know toss them into a van drive them to a secure location it doesn't really matter again you just have to find a room that you can isolate them in they need some time to think about your friendship

so you lock them in their own house you lock them in your house again adaptable doesn't really matter storage location hell you can have a secret underwater base or your batman mansion you have to isolate them a little bit give them some like alone time to think about your friendship and then you come in you greet them you talk to them if they react poorly you leave maybe for days maybe for weeks maybe months bring them food keep them alive but you have to make sure that they appreciate the, you leave. Maybe for days, maybe for weeks, maybe months. Bring them food, keep them alive. But you have to make sure that they appreciate the time you get together. And over the course of, again, months, years even, they'll appreciate your friendship so much that they'll realize you're their only friend.

And if not, I mean, there's always like, I don't know, waterboarding or electrocution or something. There are ways to convince them of your friendship. But eventually, they're broken. They've got no one in life but you, and you've got a friend for life. Was that step two? That was all step two.

That was all step two. Okay, cool. Technically, there were three steps. It was just step one, step one, and step two. Step three is once you have them in the isolated location, it's the permeation of the friend zoning. You want to be permanently in the isolated location it's the permutation of the friend zoning you know you want to be permanently in the friend zone okay so okay you can call that step three you know step two you

establish the face to face and you get them uh in a secure location step three is the permanent friend zoning whatever method you want to use whether it's uh like i said you know like uh friendship foreplay you know uh yeah yeah man yeah definitely uh-huh but anybody can do it you don't have to be rich i just want to lodge an objection uh i was told that we were supposed to come up with unique original pitches and as far as i understand it you just basically used the story of how you and mark became friends that's true but but effective well yeah i mean honestly it works originally unique in that it's adaptable you got options yeah that's true but but effective well yeah i mean honestly it works it's originally unique in that it's adaptable you got options yeah that's true doesn't matter what location doesn't matter how

much money you got the most the most you have to have is access to a phone okay all right wait no let's back up we i think we have to define what a best friend is for me to make a proper judgment here right so a best friend you know you could get a friend that comes over bring some beers and get some sandwiches from schlegel's and comes over watch the game you know whatever but that that doesn't automatically mean best friends so what are the qualities that define a best friend someone who would do anything for you someone who's you're like they're number one number one in their life yeah like example, someone who would save your life if you were in a traumatic accident.

Yeah, that's, yeah, absolutely. Like a car accident or a plane crash or finger cut off, kidnapped by monsters. What would this person, Wade, what would this person do for you, given a situation? Literally anything. After a while, I mean, once you, once they're broken and fully like you know

brainwashed into the friendship like they'll do whatever if you had to give a name to this like you know like effect you're having like you call it like some kind of i don't know a syndrome or something like would you have a name for this uh involuntary friend zoning but is it best friend yeah is it uh i believe by being only friend uh it would be your best friend by default oh that's a good technicality i do have to say i do have to say in my take on this i didn't assume that the other party regarded me as like their tip-top best friend but i regarded them as my best friend see bob has got like room for leeway there's room for error what if they don't come to the hospital like there's choice if you eliminate choice from the equation, it's a guaranteed victory.

All right. Well, we got to establish a little both sides here because I could go out and look at someone in Schlegel's and I could just be like, he's my best friend. And I could believe it with all my heart if I get rid of all my current friends. No, no, no. I went with the assumption I'd be mutual here. We see. Yeah, it has to be mutual. So we have to judge it on mutuality.

So Bob's solution really does entice the mutuality bob doesn't even have to have the same feelings like the other guys so enamored yeah it's if the person has no choice it's not a mutual decision yeah it's it's a it's a thing you've done to them especially if you don't even release them into the wild oh but by the end it's a mutual best friendship eventually they become your best friend who cares about the technicalities of the the introductions not everyone gets along at first in your scenario assuming you accomplish all your goals at some point are they allowed to go live their own life because you pitch yours as adaptable low cost anyone can do it except yours

relies on the idea that you can have a building a house a storage unit with a bathroom presumably in which you can house an entire another human which costs money you're feeding them you're getting them i don't know medicine if they get sick this isn't just like oh i have a pet human people are expensive well no it gets to be too costly you abandon you move on to the next one well that doesn't sound like a friend it's just wasted yeah again adaptability you lose one best friend you can make another but sounds like you still gotta be pretty wealthy friends come and go in life but the point being is as long as this person is alive they are your best no no no no it was best friend for life your life one person your life well how

do you guarantee that they outlive you well then you cherish their memory even if they die right away you can cherish their memory yeah but what if you want to replace them easy to do you just follow my steps again what if they never break what if you get batman in that chair and his will is strong he doesn't break what happens look i don't know this from you know experience but i do know this everyone breaks eventually what if you you know bob bat bat bob you see him under that car and you say golden opportunity i don't have to do all the prep work i got my room ready he's in the car i just gotta scoop him up you grab him he goes into your room are you gonna

be best friends if you both employ the strategy well if we both want it then why not yeah that would actually kind of solve everyone's problems yeah i'm just saying there's like five people in the world that can employ bob's strategy anyone Anyone can try mine. My strategy could be executed on a budget. You just got to be creative. You can pull off the same sort of shenanigans with a lower budget. It doesn't have to be an expensive car. The budget merely creates more enticing enticements.

Yeah. What if they choose not to go to the hospital and check on you? You don't choose not to go to the hospital when you've got your hands on a person's jugular, when you're holding their life-saving blood inside their veins, waiting desperately minutes for the ambulance. I've eliminated that variable. If you don't have money, you could also do the self-sacrificial route.

You could just crash your car into Schlegel's. Absolutely. And then fall out into their arms. Yeah, but then you might die. Well, then it satisfies the for life requirement. Yeah. If your life is short, that just makes it easier to have a best friend for the rest of it. But if you've never had the interaction, did you become best friends before you died?

They saved your life. They saved your life. Not if you died. They held you in their arms. They tried to save your life they will remember that they will definitely remember that i don't know i feel like that doesn't establish a best friendship if they just tried to save your life does that make every firefighter or ems person a best friend you're telling me you walk around just looking for people in peril an on-fire

bus full of children you're like let me in there to save them. They're random people to me. I don't care about them, but I must save their lives. No, I go to the mall and I sit at a table and I make eye contact with people and wait till I find my best friend. You're just going to let those kids die. That's what you're going to do. That's not a good person does. That's not a good person.

Yeah, I'm not going to try to be best friends with kids. That'd be wrong. Okay, let's be fair. Bad people can have best friends. Bad people can have best friends too. That's true. That's true that's true i'm not allowed i'm telling you how to make them yeah adaptability elimination of choice look i feel like my situation rife with lies and deception though it may be creates more sincere feelings i I feel like Wade's situation does create a relationship, but it's based on like fear.

It's based on mental anguish and being broken as a person, as opposed to gaining something. Based on lies and deceit, based on anguish, they're all bad. Who cares? Mine creates positive feelings. I see a hybrid version of this. I see a best of both worlds scenario where you get all of these elements together.

The fear, also the peril and the unifying sacrifice of imminent death. You hire someone to kidnap the both of you, lock you in a room together on separate walls. You're not able to see each other. You're like able to like hear someone sobbing like bags over your heads. Yeah, exactly But but you lean your ear up against the wall. You can hear them crying You know, they're ready when they're crying and when they start crying you start knocking on the wall in a cryptic rhythm One that sounds like just the water dripping from the rusty pipes But no, it's a rhythm that they perk up and notice and when they stop crying

That's when you can start talking to be like don't talk. I've been here for 30 years, but I think we can break out together. If you are someone that I can trust, we can make it out alive. And then, through a lengthy process of slowly digging your way through the cavernous prison that you have built to house you and make your escape all the more dramatic at the end of it you'll get horribly injured and they will have to carry you to the hospital and through your bond of five years in captivity and all the torture that you went through together you never gave up on each other best friends for life i i love it two questions how much does it cost to have someone kidnap you and feed you for five years you should know isn't that what your plan basically involves

yeah yeah you would know i'm not hiring someone else to do it i'm doing it i can still go to work and kidnap you and feed you for five years? You should know. Isn't that what your plan basically involves? Yeah, yeah, you would know. I'm not hiring someone else to do it. I'm doing it. I can still go to work. How much does it cost, though? Add an hourly wage to it. You know the other costs.

Add minimum wage. I could pay a skilled person for this. I'm just saying you're paying another. This still involves more money than just doing it yourself. It's a good idea. Well, of course. Well, friendships need little money. Yeah, but what if you're making like $7 an hour like a lot of people are, you know, you're going to be able to hire a full-time person for five years.

Well, you better start saving if you want a best friend for the rest of your life. It's an investment. Yeah. What we have here is we have different tiers for people that are in different economic situations. I can apply to anybody. Is it the cleanest? No, but anyone can do it.

Mark's got like that, you know, I'm making at least like $20 an hour salary type and above. And Bob's for, you know, the 1%. You could always just make a real enemy. You could always piss off someone that actually does the kidnapping. And just make sure that you're in the same area as the other guy. I mean, yeah, I guess you could legitimately kidnap, but then you actually have to hope you can really escape and survive. I mean, make them mad at both of you somehow. That's true.

I guess, yeah, it doesn't really matter if you get out or not. It's just a matter of making that friendship while you're locked up. Anyway, Bob is clearly superior, but not perfect. Wade, I will give you a point for every tear that fell from your

best friend's face during their torture. Oh, man. That's how. Which I think... What kind of time horizon best friends face during their torture oh man that's how which i think oh god i think what what kind of time horizon we working with how long does it take to break this dude on average i'm thinking like anywhere from eight months to five years on average at least okay eight months to five years how many how many how many tears do you cry per year 30 60 for women five to six okay how many tears oh god it's measured in volume like i think a drop is about a milliliter so how much you cry well you gotta think this isn't gonna be an average amount either because they're gonna be kidnapped so it's gonna be the

high end um okay about 15 milliliters per cry, which would be about 15 tiers. So taking an average of like, let's say 30 over the course of a year would be 450 milliliters, about a half a liter of tears. So 500 times, however many years, then that's your number of points. That's almost 5 million. No. And Bob's is way more than five million he has to have the mansion and you write that off as a business deduction all the machines oh absolutely business expense yeah i feel like this is a rich man's game awarding points for dollars spent the average joe is set to lose from the beginning just like in real life the one percent win again you're right about that congratulations bob you have won this week's Distractible Podcast. Yeah. Yep, absolutely.

We do not disrupt the status quo. We dig it deeper into the hole that it is here. And I am happy to have been your host this week. And I think we all learned something valuable about making best friends out there. Don't take our advice. You never. Don't. Please don't. Don't apply these to these. Yeah, don't do these.

Ideas. Not that we've tried them. They don't work. You yeah not that we've tried them they don't work you can find more information of maybe better ways to become a best friend on our website you can subscribe to the podcast through whatever whatever app you're listening to and you can find all of us in our various social medias and or youtube channels and or streaming platforms through whatever text information is available probably on the website do we have a website do we have merch yeah right do we have a website? Do we have merch? Yeah, right. Do we have a website?

Maybe. Do we have friendship advice on our website? You're writing the blog for the website, right, Wade? I'm going to get my best friend to do that for me. Like a daily blog post? A full write-up of what happened. Hmm. All right, sounds good.

Good luck when you get that. It'll be about eight years from now, so everyone at home, expect the website to be up and running in eight years' time. If you see me make an eye contact, stare back. Maybe don't. We're going to be great friends, Bob. I time if you see me make an eye contact stare back maybe don't we're gonna be great friends bob i don't know it could be fun uh podcast out