Distractible - Illegal Advice

Episode Date: October 6, 2023

Mark elicits Bob and Wade to give him advice for a variety of average problems. Of course, they can't give true legal council, so they give illegal or otherwise unscrupulous solutions. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection, free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH- ph balancing minerals and crafted with skin conditioning oils so whether you're going for a run or just running late do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't find secret at your nearest walmart or shoppers drug mart today good evening gentle listener and welcome to distractractable. This week, the People's Trio bring the house down again. Mocking Mark gives out pity points and asks for ill-omened counsel.

Bravely Bald Wade advocates armed robbery and a blow for Chucky Shake creation and eating deities. Boombastic Bob admits the law is like a weeping angel and proposes cafeteria clown inspections. From stump grinding to psychotic package plays. Yes. It's time for Illegal Advice. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Can I just say before Mark starts? Wait. I don't know if you changed anything or if it's

because you have a black background now or what. You look very well lit today and I like it. Thank you. He does. You look nice today. Sometimes you look really like bright or I don't know, it's too direct. Well, since I added the distractible poster, I've turned off the brighter light on my left. So I do have one less light, but that's been the same way for our last few recordings.

I think Mark said something last time. I just, like, had a flash, and then I looked at your camera for a second, and I agree with past Mark. Past Mark knew what he was doing. Now Mark doesn't know anything. Look at now Mark in his dark red room with no, almost no light at all on his face, and it turns off and on. The light will randomly turn off here, because

I can't connect to him anymore. We noticed whenever we couldn't hear you. We saw you go, and then the light clicked on as you disappeared. Yeah, so do you really not know why that happens? Are they Elgato lights or something? Yeah, they're Elgato lights, and they've started acting up recently. I don't know what it is. I can't connect to them through the app anymore.

I can't. For some reason, I've reset them, and ever since I've i reset them this one just turns off and on so i'll just let it be haunted for a little bit longer while i don't do anything about it the box is waving at us everybody hi box that's horrifying what is happening to that box hi box hi okay you stay back there don't don't attack me while we're recording unless that'd be great footage i i don't like that mandy's actually just off screen right now just doing that at some point she's just gonna lurch out tackle me okay so um hi welcome to distractible i assume that it has started already when when did we start the the haunted box really threw me we're not going to talk about why that's doing that.

If you're watching this on Spotify, you're seeing it, but you're seeing it and like, just you got to really squint and hold your phone really close up to your face. Yeah, it's probably small on your phone. It's fine. It's fine. Don't worry about it. Totally fine. Will won't zoom in on that or anything at any point. It's just not a big deal.

It's not a big deal. And neither is this episode. So, hey, hi, guys. Welcome to Distractible, the podcast that's not a big deal at all. We are the trio of people that are here to entertain you for about one hour, plus or minus maybe like 10 minutes. That's actually what Time Magazine called us in the article they wrote about us being people of the year. We are the trio of people who are here to entertain you for approximately an hour wasn't that a terrible intro don't you wish you could do it all over again i'm getting into

the topic way too early because i'm not leaving any room for small talk which is another error that i'm going to come i'm going to cringe at in my shower later ah what so So let's talk about that later and let the horribleness of how this intro is going just stay solid in history for all time for all of us to remember and look back unfondly on and let's go back to introducing the other

contestants. Bob and Wade. Hello. Hi, I'm other contestant number two. I put curtains up so now my room is dark, but I'm still lit, so it looks... I don't actually think it looks better. I think I look red now. Yeah, it's hard to get rid of the spill of the purple unless you painted your wall in front of you black.

I don't think that you would be able to get rid of that. I could do that. Well, not paint it black, but I could. I have a black... Right now? No, not right now um no not right now they're they're in the it's in the garage the thing i'm thinking of it's in the garage so i actually just painted my garage black but i used a specific color called like i think it's

called like video black which is only three percent reflective it's it's used on like sound stages and stuff when they want to control the light as much and the the extreme black the like scientifically made the blackest black black yeah exactly that that is like a reflectivity of 1.5 so it's like looking into just darkness it's crazy that seems like a dangerous way to park your car uh got him because it's because your garage you paid your garage oh your garage opens and it's just an abyss of nothing and you're like well i hope the sensors work there's a wall somewhere who uses their garage to park their car like who does that people who don't live in california use their garage to park their cars because they can't

park your car if you don't own one oh that's true i don't know i'm grouping wade with me no i'm with you i'm with you come, let's do it. It snows here. And also, we don't need our garage for another room because we have a house with enough space. That's why. I feel really bad for my car because the garage isn't like heated or cooled. So I let the car sleep in bed with us. That explains why Molly won't let you get one. Yeah.

I don't know. But today's episode is very haunted. Bob has his moving box. I have my light that just randomly turns off. And I'm BORED! I don't know why I did that. Oh my god, is that Guru Stefan? Guru and Harold's

bald cousin? I don't know what happened to me there. I was possessed. I'm haunted. Man, get ready for that to be quoted for a very long time i want to make that a notification sound on my phone yeah but i find that garages are much more useful as a uh productivity space than just housing your car but i guess i am privileged to say that because i have a garage uh so some people don't um or they have like an apartment it's a parking garage and there

you definitely can't make that a utility space you get a parking space in your garage just paint your space black just paint the space on the wall in front of you own you own the space in the wall and uh yeah no you know it is your spot i don't know if there's anything they can do to stop you in your apartment building if you just section off your parking spot that's extra square footage that you're paying for just get get the thinnest plexiglass panels you can and build a perfect rectangle around just your spot then paint the inside all black who's to say you can't it wouldn't be very secure your own personal abyss that smells like pee and car fumes yeah that's true um but yeah it's much nicer and controlling the lighting is

something that i'm learning a lot about uh which is not a very interesting subject which is why i'm going to gloss right over it um how are you guys doing i had the worst migraine headache i've had in like a decade last night and then i woke up to someone in my yard grinding a tree stump this morning in your yard yeah were you aware that was gonna happen or well apparently they texted this morning while i was sleeping to let me know they were coming to grind a tree stump so i was up till 6 30 in the morning and then i was woken up at 9 30 in the morning a perfectly reasonable time i laid down at midnight but this headache was so bad i took a Excedrin, didn't help.

I was just writhing for a very long time. It was awful. It was an awful migraine. I don't get them that often, but when I do, every now and then I get a banger. But I haven't had one this bad in a long time. Should you get it checked out? I don't know. Sorry, I associate bangers with songs songs pretty exclusively even though i use that term

whenever i want i was headbanging it was writhing so much when you said that i just imagine you standing alone in your bedroom just like god this migrates a banger was more so laying on my side in the fetal position than writhing side by side i was like a fetus at a rock concert great yeah i don't know man you maybe get that stuff checked out i mean i i did i mention that i i went to the hospital just to get my weird headache checked out the arm and head thing yeah the numbness thing yeah did i talk about that did the twitter and the twitter account freak out about it yet i haven't looked i don't think that's out yet oh okay it's not out yet okay well double freak out incoming we're just so far ahead this will be out before we know it yeah don't brag about that um but bob how are you doing

good i'm not sick anymore felt like i was sick forever but i was only sick for like a week all of the rest of the house is really unpacked but my office is there's a haunted box and that's only the start of it my office is just a mess and i it. I don't want to be in here right now. Got like water leaks or something? No, the house is great. Just like somehow my office has the most stuff in it of any other room in the house. Like we were unloading the trucks when we moved in and it was like that box goes in my office,

my office, kitchen, my office, my office, my office, my office, that's a couch, my office. Like I have so much shit in my office. I don't understand what happened. I didn't have a a big office before now i have too much stuff for this room and the closet that's in it i don't understand i hate it i just want to burn it down and start over you know you can order a dumpster it's like 500 bucks you know it's expensive but or a fire how much is a fire which one's cheaper like what's what's the match cost you know it's either plus a few hundred thousand depending on your insurance policy or minus 30 years of your life in jail for arson

that's a pretty big upside though so you want to you want to flip the coin you want to are you allowed to burn down your own property probably not see the thing is no but if you get away with it well not to not to claim insurance, but like just to burn it. If you just like have a building and you want to get rid of it, it's by no means the best or most efficient or even best for your property or like costs. But yeah, you could burn down your own building if that if your goal was just to destroy it. It gets complicated because you have sewer and you have like gas lines and stuff. I don't think this is very bad. My freedom.

If I want to burn down my house, I can. So assuming it's a house that's like on a property where it's not so close to any other person's property, you're going to burn. If you have a house in the middle of like a 20 acre property and if you burn the house down,

the only thing that would be destroyed is the house. I'm pretty sure there's nothing illegal about that. Can you legally burn your own house down the only thing that would be destroyed is the house i'm pretty sure there's nothing illegal about that all right can you legally burn your own house down if you burn like my house is in a suburb right so there's houses on both sides if my house burned down the houses next to mine would be in serious danger of like catching fire and that that would be illegal wow the guy who went to law school is right you will not be charged with a crime for burning your own property unless you do so with the intent to defraud or the fire injured another person

or another individual's property. I know things. I have a whole sheet of paper that says I know things. So you just get a bunch of sprinkler systems, put them around your house, then light that fucker up and watch it go. Yeah, but I don't want to burn my whole house down. The rest of it's fine. Just this room.

Put the sprinklers into the rooms you want to save. Oh, okay. Water damage can be fixed. Take it from me. I'm the drowned man. What are you fighting, Mark? Weirdly enough, it's mostly legal in most places. However, in Texas, it might be illegal under any circumstances,

which doesn't sound very freedom to me, but you can shoot your house down in Texas. You can't burn it down, but you can contract an AC-130 to come blast it into bits with a 30 mil cannon. All right. I mean, I think it's subjective. This Texas arson laws, I only glanced over it, but I think a glance is all you need in the eyes of the law.

You can't look too long into the eyes of the law or else you'll turn to stone like Medusa. That's actually the definition of legal research. Well, that's the thing, right? You have to lock eyes with the law or else it's like those statues from Doctor Who where when you look away, they can move. So you have to maintain eye contact with the law and you glance to do your research. And you're like, no, that's illegal. Creepy, creepy.

No, weeping, weeping angels. Weeping angels, yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. The creepy angels. You have to lock eyes with the weeping angels of the law and glance quickly to get your information. We at Distractible can only offer one third of a full point of legal advice. Oh, I can't offer any. No, that's super illegal.

I don't offer any legal advice. But if we offer less than half of legal advice, I think it's... Nope, that's actually... What about illegal advice? I could offer illegal advice. I'm pretty sure that's illegal. But I could do that. So can we offer any type of advice?'s a class so there's a class in in

that every uh law student takes that's entirely about um ethics and like there's a lot of rules obviously being a lawyer there's a lot of stuff you could do to take advantage of people or situations uh but there are such strict rules about even hinting at possibly offering someone what might be considered maybe legal advice. Super illegal. Incredibly sketchy. And you know, it's funny because you would think like, oh, well, lawyers just don't want anyone to get hurt by someone who's not a lawyer. No, that's not it at all.

Lawyers don't want someone who doesn't pay them money and didn't do all their bullshit to get a law license to be able to be a lawyer. You have to be in the secret club if you want to be a lawyer. And you have to pay them their money, and you have to go to their classes, and you have to participate in the secret club of the bar association if you want the privilege of pretending to be a lawyer. Do you get a decoder ring? I can't discuss specifics, but there are several types of jewelry pieces you can get in regards to accessing certain restricted areas.

Hold on, I think I'm... That's Mark itching his chin ASMR. Oh, sorry, sorry. I was like, what is that scratching noise? I looked down and you were just like... Sorry. I really want to change the topic of the episode to illegal advice now. I mean, you could mid-episode topic change.

I'm in for that that's honestly a pretty smart move just in case the original topic is one we already talked about you have much better odds after changing it topic that we're you're right you're right just you know it's like the it's like the three doors rise behind each if they eliminate a door you pick the new you pick the new one because he had a 50% chance. Everyone knows that. And I'm sure I explained it correctly. Don't be mad at me, Mandy. People search for free illegal advice. It's not necessarily illegal.

There is a subreddit for illegal life pro tips. But have you guys ever seen the subreddit unethical life pro tips? Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of right now. That's a very fun subreddit where people will be like, oh, my neighbor's really petty. And they blow their leaves onto my lawn or they reported me to the HOA for like minor violation or something. How can I get back at them in a way that's legal but incredibly inconvenient for them or, you know, whatever. That therein lies the change of topic that I think seals the deal for me. the change of topic that I think seals the deal for me.

I want to now make the episode about who's going to give the best illegal advice for this episode. I'm going to come up with a list of inconveniences of things in our lives that are very relatable, that everyone runs into from time to time. And you guys are going to give the beautiful and or i was going to say ugly listeners out there beautiful and or ingenious listeners and viewers out there so they can tackle their problems in the most illegal way possible or unethical or morally ambiguous do we need a disclaimer on this so we don't distractible would like to disclaim that any advice given during the course of this episode is purely for comedic and entertainment purposes no but none of this advice should be followed even if it isn't illegal it's probably not a good thing to do so don't do it yeah and i as a host

disavow any uh information that my fellow contestants here uh put forward it is not my responsibility i do not endorse any of their opinions um they're entirely their own it's so uh how do you make napalm and also as the interviewer i just want to say it's not my responsibility if anyone learns how to do that from this i'm just asking questions uh i didn't cause anything i'm not giving any information i don't condone any activities so anyway go on explain how exactly does one make napalm that is illegal though right that that would be very illegal right i actually don't think it's illegal necessarily if you're like an adult then you you can make napalm with completely

legal ingredients as far as i know you never do that in school you make ice cream you make napalm you really you kind of like go through the different things in science it's just a stupid thing to do and very dangerous because you know how that's a weapon of war i mean also you're not making like real like weapons grade napalm you're making stuff that is effectively the same type of material but yeah it might be illegal i don't even know i think it's illegal for kids to make napalm and i guarantee you that kids are the ones who want to do that most of the time then we will i will leave the napalm uh tutorials up to you guys and the future content on the distractible YouTube channel that people can look forward to.

And then video exclusive tutorials here on Spotify. The only people who can hold on this platform. What those tutorials may or may not be is not my responsibility. I disavow any content of the tutorial. Even if I appear in it, it is not my words. It was an AI representation of me. It was not actually me. This whole episode is just an AI recreation of our personas.

It went awry in this one particular episode, but every other episode, it actually is us, except for the ones that put us in legal trouble. That's the new generation of criminal defense. It used to be, no, no, your honor, that was my twin brother. I know everyone thinks they saw me do that, but that was not me. Now, that was just ai imagery that was that's fake news then someone made that with ai and my voice was ai and me showing my

birthmark on my right ass cheek in the beginning of the video ai all ai really it was a hilarious way to start the episode but now looking back on it um i can tell that wasn't me that absolutely i'm not that funny i would never never do something like bear my right ass cheek to the camera um okay so what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna give you some comp mark's light turned off non-watchers he didn't just get his scrotum gently grabbed by an invisible monster his light turned off that may or may not have happened at the same time i'm going to give you some uh inconveniences that we face in our lives and it's going to range the start is going to be from like minor everyday things little things uh to major like huge life events like

big inconveniences uh possibly legal trouble possibly the government coming after you you know and you're going to give advice on how to best handle that in the most unethical way and or illegal way and all of this will definitely not come back to haunt us that's good great sounds good we all agree we all agree and i take no responsibility for anything i might say all right good i'm covered same i also we are going to fully disassociate for this moment and purge it from our memories, so none of us will remember this ever occurring. You know, really, it's the editor's fault if they leave it in. Yeah, absolutely.

That was our editors that we pay took that out of context and made us look so much worse than what really happened on the episode. If there's a single cut in this, you know that they stitched it together in a way to make us look terrible. The rest of the episode, every time I talk, I'm just going to go, and then it, we. And actually, if you really think about it, it's the listeners and or watchers. It's actually more the watchers because they are bearing witness to this. The listeners, you know, that's just like a conversation happening on the bus. You can't stop your ears from working in that moment. no i mean this might be on in a public place you might

be at someone else's uh you know house or workplace or yeah it's not even your fault at all but well if the government didn't have all these laws we wouldn't be breaking them ain't that the truth is that the truth ain't that the truth question mark like we can't really make a definitive statement all right look i don't take no responsibility i'm just asking questions okay so okay so uh i'll present the situation and uh let's see um i gave wade more pity points during the small talk um so wade you're gonna go first hell yeah for your migraine like it sounded really bad and also like the stump in the morning wasn't that. I feel intoxicated.

Like I'm a half year more than usual. Basically, this is something that everyone's encountered. In fact, I encountered it just a little bit ago. I was going to get a milkshake and I was like really looking forward to it. Sometimes when I'm editing, I want to like it's like 730 and I'm like, I really just need something to keep me going. So I go to the drive through. It's a long line. And that's, you know, not too bad, but it was an exceptionally long line. Uh, but I was like,

no, I'm going to get my milkshake. I was like, can I get a chocolate milkshake? And they were like, yeah. And you know, the, uh, the machine wasn't broken or anything. I'm something like, yeah, it took forever to get through the line, like 15 minutes just to go five cars ahead of me. But I get up there and I get to the window I've already paid and I get to the window and the guy leans out and he goes like, hey, we're out of chocolate. Well, we're not out, but we just don't have time to replace the chocolate. Is vanilla okay? And I said, yeah, I guess.

I guess it's okay. And I nod my head and they're like, okay, great. Can you go park in the parking spot? We'll take it out to your car. And so I park in the parking spot and We'll take it out to your car. And so I park in the parking spot and it takes even longer. That never works. And then it takes another like 10 minutes because they're slammed and I get it. It's fine. I'm a patient guy. But when I finally get my order, not only do I not have the chocolate, but the limited edition like pumpkin and cream

pie that they had, I got an apple pie. I don't like apple pie so um uh yeah i got the wrong order how would you guys or wade specifically how would you give me advice on how to rectify this situation well first i'd cut off a section of my own fingers one at a time until i started liking apple pie because apple pie is delicious and you should punish yourself for not liking it okay don't die on that hill you're outnumbered here, buddy. Once you start liking apple pie, you got the vanilla milkshake eventually? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, what you do is you go to any big store

and you buy a hairdryer. Then you go over to a convenience store and you rob them of all their chocolate bars. You get in your car, you blow dry the chocolate to melt it into the vanilla, stir it up with your straw and you make it a chocolate milkshake. And then, once it's chocolatey enough, you go back to the place that gave you the vanilla milkshake and you throw it in the vanilla, stir it up with your straw, and you make it a chocolate milkshake. And then, once it's chocolatey enough,

you go back to the place that gave you the vanilla milkshake and you throw it in the guy's face that gave you vanilla. And you say, change it! I ordered chocolate! Does unethical mean something else than what I thought it meant? He asked me

what to do. I gave him advice, man. Is there an additional definition to that word that i'm just unaware of is this a boombastic uh situation all over again where wade knows something that i don't i feel like there's a wide dearth of interpretations to um take from this episode i won't lay down judgment just yet Bob, you just go with whatever you were thinking. But I like the visual of me with my fingertips cut off, blood oozing into the milkshake. Probably liquid hot chocolate at this point because the milk, the ice cream is melted probably as well. And I chuck it back in their face.

I solved the problem. I don't know what the issue is here. All right. Anyway, Bob, how would you give what should I do? So you've just got your order you're sitting in the mobile whatever the spot where you wait where they bring you the wrong food because that shit never works quite right you always get the wrong something or they don't give you the sauce for your nuggets or whatever it's always disappointing when you get delegated

to those spots what you do is you move to a normal parking spot so you're not inconveniencing the next people who are gonna have to use that spot go to the trunk of your car and you get out the ronald mcdonald costume and clown makeup that you keep tucked around the side of the spare tire in the well of the trunk of your car and you get fully made up as ronald mcdonald uh the face makeup you do the whole thing you get the wig all of the stuff and, you got the wig, all of the stuff. And then you just march confidently into the store and you, you walk up, you cut in front of anyone who might be in line.

You walk up to the cashier and you say, I need to speak with your manager. This is a cloud inspection. And then when they get the manager and the manager comes up and they're like, no, I, the regional, I know Dave,

he's the regional manager. I don't. And you say, whose clown name is on this clown restaurant? Isn't it an inspection? And then you force your way back into the kitchen and you find the meekest looking teenager who's working there so that you know that they'll listen to you.

And you, and you put single them out and you go, you show me how you make chocolate milkshakes. And they go, uh, we're, we're out of chocolate actually right now. And you say, you! Show me how you make chocolate milkshakes! And they go, uh, we're out of chocolate, actually, right now, and you say, well then you better make some more! Ronald wants a chucky shake! And you scream at

them until they make a new batch of chocolate milkshakes. You go through all this, and once they do it, you get, you're not trying to ruin this one individual employee's day, so they do it, and you're like, good job! And you give them, like like a star on their name tag or something, whatever they do at McDonald's. And then you just storm out with your big clown shoes.

Go back to the trunk of your car, wipe the makeup off, put your regular clothes back on. Go back inside and order your chocolate shake because now they have a whole batch of chocolate shakes and you get what you want. They got a little reality check from the clown himself and nobody gets hurt. Sir, this is a Wendy's.

It's really very specific. Okay, you go back to your car and you get the Wendy wig and the blue. I think based on, you know, the unethicalness, I'm not really going to question too much. I will say that Wade is wrong about apple pie. It's very rare that an apple pie is good. And most of the time you cannot go wrong with a pumpkin pie. And I actually really enjoy the new like it's got pumpkin and like some kind of cream cheese frosting or like some kind of frosting in there and it's just delicious and i wanted it so badly and i didn't

get it but i recommend it highly i'm gonna give it to bob i'm gonna give bob the point on this one uh just because it was uh like the clown voice reminded me of that whatever the sketch with the clown just freaking out and oh yeah the the raca raca guys Ronald McDonald video Yeah, that's what I was inspired by yeah, it was great. It was perfect. I was borrowing from their Ronald McDonald Impression mine was an original idea, but you know that's fine We'll actually wait the whole melting the chocolate bars with the hairdryer is actually from a 1992 movie called Into the streets I hate movies the pivotal scene in that movie so it's pretty clear that you stole that but that's fine we're gonna move on to the next subject we're still keeping

it relatively relatable everyone's experiencing this all these will be relatable and everyone will know everyone likes apple pie but you too that's so unrelatable look i'm not saying i hate apple pie but i am saying if there's any other kind of pie other than apple pie i'm not getting apple pie i'm getting whatever other option there is and i get that i'm the taco hater like i should be like the guy from the tom hanks movie with the paintings who like whips himself in the back every time tacos are brought up but like apple pie cut off those flanges man don't make that face mark you know he's talking about silas the guy who's working for rector that's not a joke that's actual factual information i know i believe you i was trying to remember the name of that movie the base of the book like i was i couldn't even remember the name da vinci code vinci code right the da vinci code is the first one isn't that second one oh

how to gone in 60 seconds that's the leonardo code starring tom hanks and catholicism gone in 60 seconds that's fantastic thank you uh but no points for that the next situation is something i think everyone has uh encountered so bob you're going first so i'll put it to you imagine you um you've had a like a bad headache all night long oh way ahead of you yep okay for like you can't sleep at all it's six hours and you're just like oh man oh man and you finally fall asleep and it's like 6 30 in the morning or something and you finally manage to fall asleep but then you're woken up by a horrendous noise just an outrageous noise, just like someone's grinding like a tree trunk or something like that at an ungodly hour in the morning.

All you want to do is sleep and you, you look out your window and you see if someone is indeed just grinding a stump right in your yard, right? Your yard. Like, how do you deal with this? How,

how would I already have an answer for this? I knew what I was going to do before you finished talking because this is just such a relatable thing. I've almost had to use this solution before. So this person is in my yard. I paid them. I hired them. I scheduled this, and I'm upset about it,

and they're grinding my stump that I wanted removed. I did not schedule this. So what I do in this situation is i go and i get the 10 gallon bucket of wood glue that i keep in my garage and i get and i get a little uh a little some gloves maybe a maybe a uh an apron just you know it's gonna be messy and i go park up in a in a little stool next to them where they're chipping away at the stump and wherever those little chips are being fired out because usually when you're chipping something there it makes a pile of like wood chips right there's like i sit by the pile of wood chips and i just start dumping the glue into the pile of wood chips and making like a slurry and forming it like i'm the potter at the potter's

wheel and ghost back into the tree trunk that it once was and then right as they finish a section of whatever they're doing you know like they're like all right that's done reposition the thing i take my pile of a glued together tree trunk and i plop it right exactly back in the same spot and i say it's not done. Please continue removing the stump. You're clearly making very slow progress. And I stand there and I make them continue to remove the tree trunk

that I then continue to glue back together and plop right. So it becomes like this thing with, what's that guy, Sisyphus's wheel, rolling it up the hill or something? Silas. or something Silas it's Silas's tree trunk Silas's tree trunk of flatulation it's the trunk of Theseus if you think about it because if you rebuild it is it still the same trunk but what you really do is

is as he's behind because he's got you know he's got ear protection he can't hear you and he's so concentrated on his job so you're doing this while he's not looking so when he finally finishes down to the last nubbins and he goes and he turns around and there's another tree trunk right behind him he goes whoa wait a minute but you're standing behind him all like scooby-doo style and so he never sees you this is unethical but I'm not trying to be cruel to this person because I paid them. I asked them to be there. So I'm paying him for the overtime, too. This is, you know, he's earning money.

This is still fair. Fair is fair. I just making, you know, I'm gaslighting him a little bit with the regenerative tree that he's tried to remove that he's losing the battle against. All right. That's very good. Good start. Good start. uh wait how would you handle this all right so i'd buy some property that has like those big sequoia trees and i would have a get together where i invite him his family friends whatever over i have some security cameras set up and we have like a lunch uh some barbecue or something everyone eats has a good time fast forward i hollow out one of these

sequoias i get mannequin replicas made of this guy's family and i fill them with pig's blood and i put them in the sequoia i hire him to cut down the tree and i put some speakers that sounds like people screaming and he's cutting down the tree and he gets to a certain point there's like blood even out he looks and he sees what he thinks is his family in there and he freaks out they're bleeding they're dying they're not really he just thinks they are and i'll tell him that's what you get for grinding a tree in the middle of the morning i'm trying to sleep after having a migraine and he'll never ever just do that unprovoked again is is there like a looky hole in the tree that he peers his head in or is he

looking in the cut he's making like oh it's like after the cut is made and the tree starts to fall then he sees like the torsos oh i get it okay he said he just thinks he's like after the cut is made and the tree starts to fall, then he sees like the torsos. Oh, I get it. Okay. He just thinks he's crazy because the chainsaw is going and he thinks he hears. He could stop at any time and investigate, but what he'll see will horrify him. Can I ask a question for clarification? Sure. Yeah.

Why did you have the barbecue part of this? Well, I had to get like a visual on security cameras of his family so I could make the mannequins accurate. Okay. That is really well thought out. It was a misdirect. I think this is very much like that boat video where the guys are going to the radio. And the guy takes off his headphones.

But this time it's screaming. It's like. That sounds like my family. Weird. And then they're dead. That's great. Well, it wasn't actually. So it wasn't that bad.

But it was still pretty horrible. family weird and then they're dead that's great well it wasn't actually so it wasn't that bad but it was still pretty horrible but while he's doing that you go to his house and actually kill his family so that once he's feeling he thinks he's safe and then he goes home and he sees what's actually happened that doesn't sound that doesn't sound good wade that sounds terrible that's not just unethical that's illegal why would you recommend doing that thank you does he go back to his family and then think that they're fake because he knows deep in his heart that he just chopped them down in the evil tree he goes back and all he sees are wooden carved out figures of his family and his real family i have somewhere else he gets home and he looks at his family and they're like are you gonna sit down for dinner are you okay and he's

like you're not real you're a tree and i know what to do with trees. Wade, I would give you the point on this one. I know. I would. I know. It is an expensive solution. It takes a lot to get this done. Property with sequoias is a lot of acreage to even get one of those. That's far away, too.

It's also very far away. And you would never live in California. So I don't know how this i live in oregon there's sequoias oh yeah that's true but he would never leave cincinnati so i think it's impractical um in that regards it's not like a typical thing where i'd be like this is a very unethical and interesting solution and it does lead like there could be a whole movie about this but it's also just like it's not a quick turnaround and it's very expensive to buy that you oh no it's the long game i didn't know we had monetary restrictions here i thought we were

filthy rich well i'm okay with like long game things but really the the reason that bob is going to get the point more is i loved and i don't know why i loved the visual of a 10 gallon bucket of wood glue in your garage i just it was sealed from that moment so i'm gonna give it to bob but my reasonings are is that was a close match that was a close match good try wayne you didn't have enough goop in your in your idea just uh brace yourself for whenever you know i decided to get revenge for that horrible decision i feel like i gave plenty of justification on why it was it was troublesome i i didn't feel like the problem so did the guy grinding a stump this morning.

I feel like you're also, like, hinging on a lot of this guy's bad eyesight and inability to determine what is real and what is fake. He only needs to believe it for a minute. A second, really. Just enough to let the horror and trauma seep in to affect him for the rest of his life.

He's right about that. That is true. But I'm still going to give you the point bob all right here's your chance to redeem yourself uh you're trying to go to the grocery store for whatever nefarious purposes that you're doing with your various wooden mannequins and whatnot doesn't matter grocery store or wherever whatever store you're you're going on the world you're driving imagine if you had a car and you're in the parking lot and it's like jam-packed full and you're driving around and around and you're driving imagine if you had a car and you're in the parking lot and it's like jam-packed full and you're driving around and around and you're looking for a spot and you're like oh is that a spot you see like a glimmer of empty space but by the time you pull up you realize that it's

someone taking up both spaces like they're right in the middle of that line it's not a little bit over it's not like maybe i could squeeze and they are dead in the center between two spaces taking up everything what do you do? I'm first this time? Yeah. If you need a second, you can take time. No, no, no. I'm good.

I'm good. Okay. I'm going to relate this to a story from whenever I was a younger lad going to college and I made the wrong turn down in the Clifton area of Cincinnati. And as I was going down a street, I saw a nice car parked like way up ahead and I saw some dudes around the car. And by the time I got up to it the dudes had disassembled a good portion of the car had the radio out and were loading up their truck with it I would find those guys and I would have them come and disassemble this guy's car move it

over and put it all in the right parking space but not put the car back together leave it disassembled then I would pull into the spot get on my phone get the groceries delivered to my house just to waste the time gas and money being there and really just hurt the environment by having someone come get the groceries and take them to my house while i sit here and then i would go get myself a treat laugh maniacally in my car by myself go home and bring my groceries in i love the visual of the guy coming out just like and like his whole car just like is in pieces in the spot next to it. Just like everything is laid out.

You know what else I would do? I put a chalk line around his car in that spot to show where he was before and write like this is two spots. Next time you'll be in pieces to really get the message to sink in and then put some blood like flowing down into the drain. I do have extras from the Sequoia incident i had like 10 gallons of blood if only it was 10 gallons of wood glue it looks the same but it's not yeah okay bob that was a good start how do you solve this problem my solution involves the police this guy is going away for a long time

what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna go to Wade's Mannequin Guy and get the most realistic mannequins I can get. Small, children-sized mannequins so that it's more horrific. I'm also gonna go and buy from like a second-hand store, like a wheelchair, one or maybe two, or maybe if they have a child-sized walker or something. Something concerning looking. And I'm gonna go back to this where this car is parked. I'm going to take my mannequins filled with real human blood. I've been saving it up in my basement and I knew I had a reason. And take the wheelchair or whatever else, whatever props I might have.

Oh, and I bought clothes. I bought some clothes for these mannequins so that they look, so they're dressed up. I went to Plato's Closet. Good stuff. mannequins so that they look so they're dressed up i went to play-doh's closet good stuff dress them up and wedge them up under what i assume is an enormous lifted truck with with uh balls on the back the toe what are those called trailer it's ball sack and a big ridiculous girl i would have wedged one up under the front like he ran them over i'm gonna wedge one up underneath under the drive shaft like he's just mowing down anyone in his way and then hanging out the back from like under

the bumper like he backed into someone is the last one and the make sure that the blood is all starting to really drip out so it's just like the most horrific graphic scene ever and then you just call the cops or if you know they're gonna be in the store for a long time wait for someone else to call the cops to report that this enormous vehicle has been running down children including one in a wheelchair because you can see that that's clearly wedged up underneath the body of the truck and then the cops show up and they're just confused like they're gonna look and be like wait these are are these mannequins hey what the hell he's not actually gonna like get in trouble because he didn't actually kill anyone.

But this is going to cause him such a headache. There's going to be real human blood mixed in with these mannequins, which the cops are going to be able to discern. And they're going to be like, well, why is that real blood? And they're going to test. And it's not going to be his blood. And they're going to be like, well,

where did you get 30 gallons of other people's blood? And they're going to be like, well, where did you get like 30 gallons of other people's blood? And they're going to tear his life apart. And everyone's going to think he's some sort of weird basement murderer. Everyone's going to be afraid to walk down the same side of the street with him. He's going to have to move because his neighbors are going to see CSI tearing his house apart and his weird blood covered truck and all this stuff. He didn't do anything wrong. And he's not going to ultimately go to jail. This is is gonna absolutely tear this man's life into pieces i have a i don't want points for this but i do have a bonus solution you don't want points for it why would i don't want points for it i just want to offer i already gave my my option for points let me comment on

bobs because i said i don't want to like just try to recency bias yourself out of him or giving me positive comments here no i just truly liked the solution a lot i don't know if i like it hold on to it we'll get to it like uh bob that's that's really clever horrific i don't want to know where you got 30 gallons of blood it's my blood i'm periodically taking a pint or two out of myself and just keeping that ready to go in the basement so not only are you not donating that blood to like no i'm using it for my own petty purposes i don't care i don't care if they need that in the hospital or something you might as well rob a blood bank yeah you could however just do it with like strands of hair you don't need a full mannequin because that's even more confusing if like in the

in the front grill is just like hair is like matted with blood down and if it didn't have truck nuts i think you should add truck nuts so no matter what it's going to have truck nuts even if it's like yeah absolutely even if it's like a hatchback it's gonna have truck nuts yeah the truck nuts and you dip you dip the truck nuts in blood and you go and then you put them on so i think it's like it's a little overkill all right but wade what is your solution here i love the wheelchair though the wheelchair is good touch the alternate solution is just in every single like facet of this man's life you go and you adjust things to be just in his way you take apart his neighbor's house and you put it slightly in his yard you take his driveway you move it slightly to where

it doesn't line up with the garage every little thing you can do you make all of his door hinges just not quite be able to close you make everything just slightly inconvenient and annoying enough where he maybe starts to get the message but then you still never stop this is the jim halpert uh method of fucking with someone where you put the phone just a little more every day and then change up the weight i like that i think it's a long con you're really a specialist on the long con there wade but i gotta give it to bob here like i'm shocked i'm blown away really i mean look man that was no i get it bloody mannequins is brilliant i don't know where he like i'm shocked i'm blown away really i mean look man that was no i get it bloody mannequins is brilliant i don't know where he came up with that i agree it was an original

idea it's not about the the idea itself it's about the execution the execution of the idea in this one it could be it could be done quickly whereas like disassembling a whole car he might come out before it's finished but splashing some blood placing placing some bodies, mangling up a wheelchair could all be prepped. You could have that in your trunk ready to go for the next person that's in your way. I can see that being done in this scenario. You know how fast professionals can take a car apart? Well, if you're not concerned about putting it back together, you can take a car apart insanely fast. And that's kind of the thing.

I'm just like, it was done by the time I got down the street. That's fair. That's very fair that's good but i'm still gonna give it to bob i'm shocked it's an elegant solution i'm not saying like out of bias here i'm just saying like it's it's just is what it is no that's fine yeah bob would you like any of my notes for the next round so you can no i know what you said i'm gonna just take that and basically verbatim throw it out there sure all right cool yeah next round you can't say you can't say i didn't credit you i said it was your mannequin guy yeah he did say it was your

mannequin i wasn't trying to steal your idea i was just making it better and you know because you credited my mannequin guy even if i had one i would have had to defer the points to my mannequin guy i couldn't have accepted well the thing is like i as you noticed in my commentary i didn't like the mannequin part i was saying you could do without the mannequin. So I didn't really like the part that was explicitly Wade's idea. He still didn't like. Yeah, that's fair. At least you're consistent. All right, Bob, you're up.

So here's the thing. You're going on vacation. You've been looking forward to it. You researched it. You're traveling at the exact right time. It cannot be any other time than this time because some crazy event occurs at this vacation spot at exactly the state that you're going to. You got the perfect hotel for you lined up. It's one night only. You're going to be there. It's your dream vacation.

You've been looking forward to all your life. You get to the check-in counter. You're like, I'm ready. I've got my luggage. I've got all my equipment. I'm ready to go. And they go, thank you. One second. Oh, we overbooked this flight. You don't have a ticket on this one. We're going to refund you. And you look at this person thinking about how great this vacation was going to be, how incredible it was going to be. You've got everyone, your whole family's with you, everyone ready, and you can't go. What do you do to rectify this situation? Well, what I would do is I would go to Clifton and find those guys who took that car apart that Wade saw. Okay.

And I would bus them over to the airport. And I would get them some high visibility jackets and fake credentials. Whatever you got to do so that they can get out into the area where the planes are. And I would tell them which gate we were going to be at. And just have them standing by. And as soon as I got the bad news that the flight was overbooked and I had this huge, suddenly I have this huge vendetta against this airline. I would send a text to the guys that say it's a go. And they would know that that means I want them to disassemble the plane at my gate as expeditiously as possible.

the plane at my gate as expeditiously as possible and I would put a chalk outline around the plane to like where the plane had been and then once it's apart it's like a pile of stuff it's in the plane parking it's taking up two plane parking spots actually

and so the and so when the pilot comes out of the grocery store and he's like oh where did I park my plane? Oh, what the hell? And he sees his plane's all disassembled. It's all there and it's not damaged. It can be put right back together.

But that would really just get his goat, you know? Yeah, that would get his goat. All right. Strong start, Bob. Strong start. I got no criticisms whatsoever. Wade, how would you handle this situation? Well, I'd go into one of the bathrooms.

I'd put my clown costume on. I'd walk up. Which clown? What kind of clown? What kind of clown? Which clown? Oh, you know, like red hair, yellow. Oh, okay, okay. Hamburger. I believe that's called hamburger. Classical hamburger clown.

I'd walk up to the person and i'd say don't you know whose plane this is and then they'd be oh i'm sorry i'm sorry mr mr our clown and i'd go walk on the plane i'd get some hair with some blood that i've been saving in my basement and i'd put hair on each of the seats but because there's blood becomes a biohazard they have to get a hazmat team to come look at the plane and in the meantime i would probably go get like the longest range weapon i could find and shoot at the sky non-stop with it hoping to kill god because this is his fault like he did this so once he's gone and the plane is under hazmat people can't take off i feel like i vindicated myself and i call a cab to go somewhere

else i guess for vacation i i have a bonus i have a bonus one i don't want any points for it but i just have a bonus let's not take any time on mine let's jump right into it i'm not gonna yeah i don't even want to comment on ways go bob yes um i think it would be really funny uh the pilot of that plane that's screwing me over, the one that's overbooked I would just go around in his life and slightly move switches around in every cockpit he flies in for the rest

of his life. Just go in and just flick a couple switches the wrong way and hope that it doesn't cause the plane to crash, but then, you know, just move it just a little bit so that it doesn't quite line up, you know? And I got another bonus. So, you know, they're refueling the plane and they pull out the big fuel thing once they're done.

I would take it and reassemble it and put it back. So every time they think they can back off, they're like, oh, well, the fuel's still engaged. And they would go to take it apart. And while they're turned around, I'd get another one that I'd put together and put it in there. So they'd keep thinking that their plane was being fueled. With some kind of plane glue? Yeah, I'd probably have like, I don't know, let's call it 10 gallons of plane glue.

In some kind of bucket? I was thinking like a bowl, but yeah, a bucket. Or a vat. A vat of plane glue? Ooh, a vat's pretty good. But something about the word bucket just rings points to me. I don't know. I'm still laughing and hoping to kill God. I know, I know.

Well, clearly he's ruined my fucking vacation. Like, who else are you going to blame? Don't shoot the messenger. Just Wade standing out on a runway, just like... Do the cartoon thing where it, like, zo zooms scrolls up really fast it's like god is up up in heaven just like oh god i didn't think i could get up here does he say oh god he say oh me oh me all right so i was gonna give the point to wade just because if i didn't he would think it was unfair but now i'm gonna give him double points because god that was funny jesus christ

so wade there you go it's you feel better you not only get a point well now that i know they were gonna be pity points but i'm getting two of them i'll forgive that it was pity and i'll take it one was a pity point the other is a bonus point oh i earned one because you you won the round and also very funny very good thank you all right so we're gonna wrap it up with one last one uh let's just say it's all tied up for entertainment's sake two bonus points well it actually bobs up by one but i'm gonna say yeah did i get two or three did i have three i think you were up three to nothing and then i miraculously have three points now yeah yeah so let's say it's all tied up unless it's um unless this point i don't feel

should go one way or another and then i'll leave it up as maybe bob wins who knows um maybe wade can't imagine how he would pull this one off i've been dominating today no no no i'll consider it even though most of wade's points are pity points let's just say it's all tied up hey they cash the same at the banks don't you get a sad look from the bank when you cash in pity points that i don't have to deal with not if you don't look at them with my real legitimate points if a teller frowns in a bank and you're not around to see it did they really frown i better ask my family that lives in the tree. All right. All right. Okay. Because my wife's a bank teller, not because of the tree reference. So.

Wade, you're up first. You have been a loyal employee at a business of some kind. You worked there for 10 some years or whatever duration of time. You've worked your butt off to bust in in your hump to get them, their deadlines met, all of their expectation quotas met every, every year, year over year, you've done it for years. And up comes the yearly performance review. You've been looking forward to a raise for ages and ages and ages. And when you get in that meeting with the human resources officer, they say, I'm sorry, and ages and when you get in that meeting with the uh human resources officer they say i'm sorry it's just not in the budget and also we're uh hiring this new hire that is getting paid more

than you because reasons so not only are you getting denied your uh raise there's someone else at the company that is doing exactly the same as you are doing except with less experience but being paid more so you got twofold what do you do i fuck the boss's daughter go on is that it is that the whole thing no that's it that's it it's really good because i'm really mad and then i'm like you know that was worth it then i guess i get a better job What an early 2000s comedy movie solution to a real life problem. Hey, first from that 1978 movie, The Boss's Daughter, where a disgruntled employee didn't get a raise. So he had sex with the boss's daughter and then they fell in love. But then he wasn't really in love.

So he divorced her, took half of what she was worth and got his raise that way. half of what she was worth and got his raise that way uh yeah that was actually inspired by a 1930s era art house film from france called les bosses d'auteur which is stolen from a 1600s william shakespeare play called bosses d'auteur of the pale moonlight that of which i see bite at thee i was gonna be impressed if that was iambic pentameter but i i don't think it was i don't think it was i was gonna go for it then i was like uh i need some more shakespeare-y words that's okay that's okay all right a strong start wade bob how would you solve this conundrum and need i remind you you cannot fuck the boss's daughter that has been taken okay does the boss have a son let's just not the boss have any figures in their life preferably that

work at the company that they view as like almost a daughter their mom works there no yeah it's only their mom grandma's in the hr department cousin steve what i would do to get back at my boss is I would start just doing like a really mediocre job at all the things that I'm responsible for. Presumably, if I've been at this company for so long, I'm such a loyal employee. They love me that much. I'm probably one of those types of employees where like literally the whole company comes to a screeching halt if I take my knowledge elsewhere. And I don't really care to like go and try and establish myself at a new place i'm i'm close to the end of my career i want to keep my benefits and like i the raise is it would be nice but it's not like gonna kill my you know

situation but what i do is i start just subtly ruining things from the inside of the company i just you know emails don't get. Maybe they get sent to the wrong person or they have the wrong time or date or something, like little things. And I'd make it so that it seems like it's not me that's doing it. I scapegoat all of this onto the new hire who's doing the same job as me

and act like I'm the one who's swooping in trying to clean up all the messes. I just kind of ruin everything. And it doesn't destroy the company. The company doesn't go out of business. This doesn't really even do that meaningful of damage to the company long term. But it shrinks the profits. The shareholders start to get upset because we're underperforming quarter after quarter. It makes the boss look like he's just losing control, right? And what this ultimately leads to is the boss having to do something drastic to try and right the ship.

It's not really like the company is still totally viable, but it's just not making the shareholders enough money and they're pressuring him. And the boss has to clean house and start over. And what I've known this whole time is that I wouldn't be one of the ones who gets let go in the case that this happens. But I have an ironclad severance package that is just absolutely banging. Like, just the nicest, most ridiculous severance package, which I renegotiated in my last salary renegotiation because I knew I didn't want to leave. If they went on to fire me, they were going to have to pay for it.

And they need me. So they would. And so I basically just put this pressure on over months and months. After a couple of years, the new hire is gone because they felt the burn too many times and they already got let go. The boss goes to clean house, fires me first. And it's tragic. All the employees in the company turn on this boss because they love me.

Because I hold everything together. And the boss is firing one of the core members of staff. Firing one of the people that is the heart of the organization. Everyone hates this boss now. They keep their job. They want to keep their salary. They just bought a second vacation home. They can't afford to lose this job right now.

But they're hated. Absolutely hated. Every day, mean notes get left on the windshield of their car. Every new person they fire to try and cut costs and right the ship. More mean notes. People start keying the boss's car. Someone takes a huge shit right on the hood. All of this pressure.

This boss develops such a huge complex about being hated that they start to become conspiratorial. They think that the world is against them. They think that everyone hates them. They think that their kids hate them. That their wife and their in-laws hate them. That there's just nothing good

in the world anymore. Turns them to an embittered, old, retired husk of a human they live alone because they got divorced in their 50s when work consumed their entire being and they were no longer fun to be around or redeeming in any way and they die of old age a long long life surrounded by big piles of money and boats and vacation homes boats that their wife took in the divorce and they only have kind of own but they only get one weekend a year to use it they die sad and alone feeling like the world hates them feeling like there was some sort of grand conspiracy against their life

but there was nothing they could have done that it was just an inevitability they must be a bad person they must be going to hell because of what the world has done to them well god's dead so that makes sense meanwhile i might have laid like six bosses daughters in that time um yeah wow i was really trying to get the win for you bob i you lost me halfway through i'm not gonna lie and then i fucked the boss's daughter no i'm gonna give the point to wade with glue i have aballon bucket of gloob Almost got me there No, you know what?

I realized that I have a tray full of wheelchairs No, no, no, it's too late I drew a chalk outline around his career It's too late, Bob I reassembled the airplane inside the office I'm giving the point to Wade I didn't want to, but here it is

We're all tied up now Didn't want to I took a shit but here it is. We're all tied up now. Didn't want to. I took a shit out of the pilot's wife. We're actually tied up. Okay, so I'm going to give one last chance, Bob, for you to claim this victory rightfully from Wade's jaws. I deserve it. Here's the situation. This is really simple.

You ordered something online and your package was delivered to your neighbor's house. That's it. That's all you know. You were looking forward to it. You're waiting for it. You saw the tracker and then you saw that truck go right past your house to your neighbor's house. It is now sitting on their porch. What do you do?

I put on the all black ninja costume that I still own from when we did the You're Welcome Tour together. Including black gloves, black shoes, and a black balaclava that covers my face. And I, in the light of day, and in full view of their security cameras that I know exist, and that

I know will show that I came out of my house, walked across our lawns, directly onto their porch. And then walked back with the package directly into my own house. I just do that without any explanation or anything. And then the next day I go over there. And I knock on the door and I say, hey, I had a package delivered. It says delivered yesterday.

And it looks like they took a picture of your porch. Did they, did you guys get a package yesterday? And when they're like, oh, no, well let me look. Well, you know, because I didn't see a package and they go and they check their security footage and then I just never answer their phone calls, their texts. I don't come to the door. If they

wave at me while I'm driving my car through the neighborhood, I pretend like I don't see them. I never speak to that person again. It really not their fault i'm really mad at ups probably but i take it out on this neighbor because ups is pretty much untouchable at this point i love that that's great wade how would you solve this because you you do have multiple targets here i put on a clown costume and i fuck the delivery driver's boss and i fall in love with them and i convince them of all the horrible things the delivery driver has said and done just to make me miserable so they'll in turn make this delivery driver miserable and that's it i have a bonus one

that i don't want any points for yes i would go to my garage and get my 10 gallon bucket of wheelchairs i'd go in the backyard and pull my 10 gallon bucket of wheelchairs. Go in the backyard and pull the glued together wood stump up out of the ground. And I would put that in one of the wheelchairs. And then I would crash that into the back of my neighbor's car parked in the driveway. And I would crash it hard enough that it would just slightly move the car so that it doesn't line up with the garage anymore. I have a bonus bonus. I'd get a dog

that's good at like tracking if you go hunting you can track whatever you've shot it'll find god drag him back so i can eat him and inherit his powers give the guy some like minor aches and pains that delivered it so he's just like every time he goes deliver a package the wrong place i'm just like god power and he's like oh man that hurt oh this is the wrong house i have a bonus bonus bonus it's very much like wade's except from before with the airplane thing when i did kill god because my vacation got slightly delayed i realized after i killed god that i assumed the powers without needing the hunting dog thing and And so from the word go, I'm just over here going, God powers. And the delivery guy's just like,

ah, oh, ah. I pull a mannequin out of a 10 gallon bucket of glue and then I give it to the delivery driver and I say, why is my package covered in all this glue? What have you done to it? And I hand him an X-Acto knife and make him carve the glue off of my mannequin

and whatever he does, he realizes the mannequin is of himself. Hey, Mark, you okay? Do you need a 10-gallon bucket of chocolate milkshake? This is the dumbest shit we've ever done. Is this our arc on Distractible of just stealing each other's shit i i think we've peaked i think we've reached the peak of comedy mark is literally unable to speak there's two people at home also laughing and the rest are like what the fuck was this? I go into my garage where I keep a 50-gallon drum of methylamine. I pull out my 10-gallon bucket of glue that's in there in a plastic bag.

I cut open the plastic bag, and in the 10-gallon bucket of glue, there's a one-gallon bucket of my own blood. I pour that on the pile of airplane parts, and then I use my god powers to ignite it into a blood fire, which summons the devil himself to the airport. I hire a magician who goes up to the guy that couldn't park and he reaches behind the guy's ear and he pulls out

his broken torn apart car and goes, was this your car? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Oh shit. Okay, if I was judged that would win the episode By itself Was this your car?

Like he wants to say card but that's not the right word Sir Please tell me is this your car? Sorry it's usually a card This is confusing for me I don't usually do vindictive magic but he pays really well Magic's supposed to be used for good You know I'm probably going to magic hell for this.

The guys back at the magic castle are going to never, they're going to never let me live this down. Hang on. You all right, Mark? Oh, God, I'm going to throw up. You need a 10 gallon bucket of antacid?

Next time we hang out, I'm just going to bring a 10 gallon bucket and just like i pull into the driveway and mark's like hey over here and it's just like dunk mark dies of laughter in that exact moment it'll be empty when i get there but i'll leave with a 10 gallon bucket of mark's tears no no it's not for you more oh okay did you know that in korea 10 gallon buckets are actually only eight gallons why is that bob uh just they don't know what a gallon is they use the metric system metric system or something no they just they just you know it just happens you know over time you know two by fours aren't actually two inches by four inches anymore. It's a thing. They're one and three quarters by three and a half or something like that.

Not even close. That seems very dangerous for construction purposes. Well, they know the secret system, so they're not confused about it. Yeah, what if you're a do-it-yourselfer? No more funny. That funny's gone. You've killed comedy. I'm going to go get my 10-gallon bucket of comedy for Mark.

Oh, damn it. I thought I hit God. Was that comedy? Fuck. Comedy. No, no, no, no, no. Fucking dog brought back two corpses. I don't know why that got me.

Because what started it was I envisioned, because you said the dog going to get God's I imagine it was like duck hunt where God just. God, I don't know why the bucket kept making me laugh, but every time he said the word bucket for a while there, I was just like... But no, I think I got to give the point very narrowly to Wade on that one. Wow, I'm shocked. i don't know if i feel good or bad that might be the biggest laugh i've ever gotten out of both of you at the same time everything i do if you do it it's just funnier i'm not gonna lie through the first three rounds i was like okay bobs are pretty funny but i

feel like this is a handshake deal that happened behind my back of like no it was just i was trying to be fair it's a very narrow uh decision here but i think wade eeks it because i also remember his exclamation from the beginning of this episode and i'm bald so i think like that the zingers this episode have been great uh So, Wade, congratulations. It might have been the closest competition we've ever had. You really were the underdog for a bit there. And I kind of undid my cheat of giving you three points, and I retroactively did it to two, and you still managed to eke out the victory.

I think you well earned this victory, so give your winner speech. Thank you. This just shows the show that anybody can do it. All you have to do is be willing to kill God and be bald and you too can be a winner. This is for you out there, you underdogs. Well said. Well said. I think everyone's going to take that to heart. Bob, loser speech. Everybody loses all the time. It's a fact of life. It takes skill to lose while being as

successful as I am. I've never accrued so many points so quickly in an episode of this podcast. I think that's definitely true. Nobody checked that. Somehow, despite being so funny that we actually made Mark and Wade fall off camera laughing at the same time, I also managed to lose this episode. And that's just the mark of a true artist. I'm not here to win. I'm here to deal with jokes.

They are funny. They're coming from you. Well said. Well said. Oh, so true. So true, Bestie. We are done here. Thank you so much for watching.

Look forward to Wade's hosting in the next episode. Go check out store.distractablepodcast.com about two months from now. Don't check it now. Check it two months from now. Then you'll see something incredible. You should have checked it a week ago. You just missed it. It was fully stocked.

Everything was in stock for like one... It was crazy. Ah, you just missed it. It'll happen. It'll happen again later, like Mark said. If that makes you angry, you know what to do. Get your lube, get your mannequin, get your boss's daughter, and get to work. Behind your eight-gallon Korean bucket.

That's offensive. How dare you? Thank you. You can find Bob and Wade at their respective channels, me and Mark Blair, and then we'll see you whenever the next episode comes out. We did two weeks. Did you know that? I did know that. I'm not talking to you guys. Okay, I see. That was...

Podcast. I'm surprised. What? I'm surprised Wade knew that. It's just a joke. Ow. Podcast out. I podcast i'm sorry mark were you trying to end the podcast podcast