Distractible - Illegal Advice Too

Episode Date: March 24, 2025

This episode of Distractible pleads the fifth. Any further information will require the presence of a lawyer. Or just get Bob or Wade, that should be good enough. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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to create a stack for every look. Shop online at majore.com or in-store today. Good evening, gentle listeners and watchers, and welcome to Distractible. This episode, Mosquito Maskering Mark gets ponderous party performance and asks the gents for remedies to rage. Bouncing Bob nearly loses James,

suggests a stitch up, miasmas, create cripplings and cloning. Wise Guy Wade gets vandalized by Serviday, advises stuffing tailpipes, Jason, Hammer Time, and Steve Rogers. From lint-free nostrils to kissy-peeds. Heheheheheheeees. It's time for... Illegal Advice 2.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted. And enjoy the show What is up people? No, don't start it that way. Nope. That's it. We're in and welcome to distractible I'm your host markiplier here Black at it again with another hosting of an incredible episode that you're gonna love in every way possible We don't believe in cold opens here This is the beginning and no one can say otherwise, right? And how? And how do we do this episode? Well, the same way we do every episode.

I'm the judge. I am soliciting these two gentlemen here to my whims. They can accept or not. I guess it's always optional. It's all you, man. The doors lock every time we start it up. When the recording starts, doors can't open. There's no evidence of me ever leaving. Is my camera in like two frames per second or am I losing my fucking mind? You're fine. All right, I'm gonna do this for a while.

Editors make multiple clones of him and overlay it so he's moving like a centipede. All right, so in this game today, we're gonna have a great time. We're gonna have a great time. Points to the person who has the best time. Oh, you already figured out your wheel spin? I think that's me. I'm having the best time, Mark.

That could mean multiple things. I will have that added to the wheel. Best time. Either you're having a great time or you did the episode in record time. You won with the least amount of moves. Oh That's pretty fun. That is sad like that. Is that the Grand Master win? Yeah, something like that Oh, but before we do that, we got to hear about our lives I can as much as I want to kick it off with my life and the amazing things going on here

I guess I have to defer to these two gentlemen here whose lives are equally as interesting Ch chock full of adventure, and I can't wait to hear about it. It's warm out now. And that's really fun for James because it means we get to go back to the playgrounds and stuff. And we did that yesterday and he had hell of a time before it got cold. When we were going to the playgrounds, like the end of last summer, he was walking, but he was small enough that it was kind of like we had to chase him around basically. Because at any moment he might just like fall off an edge or do something crazy. And so we would, and he's like really independent now, which is awesome. But I forgot one important fact about the playground that we take him to a lot.

It's like one of those old school, like wooden castle style playgrounds. Super fun. There's an area with a really fun slide and I was letting him climb up on his own and go up there to go on the slide. But right next to the slide, they made this feature where it's like tractor tires stacked up and the middle of the tractor tires is a hole down all the way to the ground.

And it's meant for kids to like climb down the tires like their ladders and then there's like some chains and like it's for climbing but James is not tall enough or coordinated enough to climb on something like that. So I let him go up there and then he got to the slide and he was like slide big tires and I was like what do you mean big tires? Cause it's like up on the second level. And I'm like, what big time? And he went and he was like leaned over the hole and I was just like, I forgot that was there. Oh, and I ran and dove under the bottom of it and was like face up under the hole. And I was like, go to the

slide. And he just looked at me for a second. It was like, Oh yeah, slide. All right. I won't jump down the suicide hole yet. Like it was the one cause when we got to the playground, I was like, all right, let's see how this goes. And he started climbing on his own and I was like, this is cool. He's so he's having so much fun. And then he was like, I'm going to go on the slide and started climbing up. And I was like, Oh man, big tire. Like, Whoa, fucking shit. Why did they put, why did they put a jump hole in this place? And God, anyway, he's fine. And he went down the slide about 20 times. He would just, but like half of the times I continued to let him go up on his own and like half the times he'd

get up there and be like, big tutters? And I had to be like, we're going on the slide buddy. Remember the slide. Yeah. But anyway, it was super fun. And only twice did I almost think he was about to break his entire self jumping down a big hole for no reason onto hard ground below. Also, we threw a a lady her cell phone, not really funny. This poor mom was chasing her kid around who was more in the needs adult supervision very directly stage still, younger than James. And she like went down the slide in front of James, like frantically like, ah, where'd you go baby?

And her phone fell out of her pocket on the top of the slide. And James is just sitting there with this stranger's phone in his hands, just like, mine now. And she's at the bottom of the slide, like, give me my phone, baby. Give me my. And he like contemplated and everybody eventually he was like, oh, okay. And tossed it down the slide. And it was very nice. But I thought I was about to have to go wrangle my son from stealing a stranger's cell phone at the playground I think I'm up to be like, oh you found us a new phone. Thanks, baby And then like leave with it now James ask for money for this

But it was I'm so excited it's gonna be a great playground year for this man He's about to have a lot of near-death experiences that make me shit my pants only a little bit big tires big tires big tires so that's my it's my day that was great the adventure that is a parenthood neither of us know anything about it I you mean you and wait I was gonna say I know a little bit no none of us know anything about it. Oh, so you know all about it Do you Bob or you got the buck on it? Yeah Compared to you guys. I'm like the Stephen Hawking of parenthood That's probably true. Yeah, or the LeBron James of parenthood just slam dunking that baby

Blocking babies off the backboard. Complaining to the refs when the baby trips me. Going like this. To the baby. That was for the old viewers out there. Listeners, you have no idea what I just did. You have no idea. You don't know what he did, but it was hilarious.

You better start watching. Did you guys know, did we tell anybody that we came back to YouTube? I don't know if we actually ever like said that out loud in an episode or not. We're still on Spotify. Still on Spotify baby. We love Spotify. Almost as much as I love Prusa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw that one too. You already got your prune juice points. I will say the world of 3D printing is both as cool and very uncool as I thought it would be. I will not explain why, I will not expound into it. It's Wade's turn to talk. Thank you. Mark I think you're gonna relate to

my small talk a little bit. Okay. The deer. The damn deer man. Yes! I'm giving you a point right away I don't even know what it's about But I know outside it is nice. It's warming up but here in Cincinnati We had a lot of snow and we had a really wet Period where it was like snow and rain and snow and rain and apparently the deer going through our yard I don't know what happened, but they have made a muck of everything. There's just deer, prints, and hooves. Molly has bird feeders.

The bird feeders are like half destroyed. One of them's like half buried in the mud. It looks like the Planet of the Apes scene where like the Statue of Liberty heads on the ground or whatever. It's just a total nightmare out there. And around every spot of our yard that looks awful, deer, hoof, prints everywhere, annihilated it.

We should annihilate them back. I thought about putting on some deer hoof shaped shoes and walking on them, and then I realized none of that would work. So I'm still working on a plan. Yeah, what would that do? Would it attract the deer? Would it make you be able to sneak up on the deer?

What's the objective? I don't think it would attract them unless they're like the step on me weighty. Like Like I don't know if they'd like that. They're freaks. Those deers, they probably would for all you hunters out there recommend what type of can't tank what tank best kills. You're going to say for all you hunters out there, go to Wade's house or posted way to address in the comments of this video Go just stake out a big circle around his whole property. Here it is in Morse code for the listeners. This is his address Here's a little patch of what sounds like white noise, but if you analyze it correctly It's actually contains a lot of personal information including his address

correctly it actually contains a lot of personal information including his address. If you pull it up into an audio editing software and look at the spectrograph you'll see his house and a map to it in the audio file. I'm gonna wake up like open the curtains just mean nothing but deer blinds my entire yard. Deer blinds? That's what they're called right? The things know what they're called the things people post up and hunt deer? That's the thing yeah hunting blinds? That's what they're called right? The things, know what they're called? The things people post up and hunt deer? That's the thing, yeah, hunting blinds is where you like up in a tree or like a little tent on the ground and you go and you wait in there. I've never been hunting, can you tell? I haven't either, but I've played hunting video games, so I'm familiar.

I have one time and I didn't shoot anything because I couldn't bring myself to do it, but my friend was a hunter and he's like, yeah, You gotta come with me. I hated every second of it. I was like oh god. I hope you miss I was like do I tackle them to save the deer? What do I do? Did he miss did did he miss no? Do you think my 22 could take out a deer? Oh, yeah, if you hit the right spot, I guess Yeah, do you if you hit exactly in the right spot you could take out anything? It was not a pleasant experience for me. I've always admitted to being a hypocrite I can eat meat, but if I had to hunt my own food, I would starve to death I would I like I don't like the idea of unnecessary killing of pretty much anything some things things are, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say it, I'm saying it.

Some things deserve to die. Alright, let's just be clear. Let's be open. Let's all get it out there. We all think this. There are okay Pennsylvanians. There are okay some. Well, I'm just saying. What are we, live on stage in Pittsburgh? Hey, it's better than what happened with Tyler in France oh Ethan wasn't even offensive but Tyler in France was a whole special kind of fun I felt pretty offended by Ethan's Berg nice harmless he's just funny guy I don't I even think they didn't

understand that they were being made fun of well, that's cuz it was so Like that can't be our accent That must be some weird American bit. No, I don't know they're in Europe yet I just love that we started off like pretty sure we're like alright. We're not gonna do any funny accents We're just gonna do our show normally and the first thing you did was the bear Well, that's cuz with Ethan and you boys know this this, is whenever you're talking to him, in his head is his joke, he's got ready, he's practicing it, he's just... Berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg, berg Turned into like a Beavis and Butt-Head character. Excellent. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I missed the show, man.

Anyway, some things deserve to die is where that didn't die. Don't think I- Yep, some things deserve to die. No more information needed. Listen, I think we can all agree, mosquitoes, they deserve to die. Do they do anything good in the ecosystem? Nothing.

I feel like a lot of stuff you'd be like, yeah it does this. I don't know that mosquitoes do anything valuable whatsoever. They just pass around communicable bloodborne diseases. Yeah, there's flies for eating. There doesn't need to be mosquitoes. Flies serve a purpose. Mosquitoes, just a menace.

Same with deer. No purpose. Incinerate them, incinerate them them I hate watching deer go around with their big Kraboska sucking blood out of wolves and coyotes Good can you imagine? The vampire deer? Oh would a deer mosquito be called a dequito? No, that's probably it yeah Mosquere? The mosquere

That sounds very mysterious The Mascere. That sounds very mysterious. Alright, I got a conundrum. I got a story. No, it's not a conundrum. I don't need a puzzle solved. Well, maybe I did. In the past, if I'd have known, maybe I could have gotten through this.

But I didn't. While all the editors were in town. This is a true story. We had done a full week editing and we were going to go out and eat. Now we had thought about going to the place where we're family, but we decided against that. What's that Applebees? No you fool! It's the place where you're family! Where you- when you're there, you're family!

Toots? When you're there, you're family! White Castle? When you're there, you're family. Disney World? No, when you're there, you're magic. When you're there, you're family. Disney World? No, when you're there, you're magic. When you're there, family. Perkins?

Casa Bonita? Is that a real restaurant? Casa Bonita, Casa Bonita. It is a real place, but it's a South Park joke. Okay, all right. Well, no, we weren't there anyway. It doesn't matter. What is it?

I don't know the advertising for this place. I'll tell you later. I'll tell you later. I'll tell you later Okay, when you're there your family wherever the fuck there is this story isn't about us going to the place where your family is We didn't go that night. It's a different place. We all went in there and I should have known it was gonna be a kerfuffle when we got up to the host stand and the guy looked at us has like how many and we're like we got eight and he goes, huh, huh. And he starts looking around like this.

And I would think he would look at his computer that says all of the tables. He starts going, oh man. When you've been hosting long enough, you could smell the open seats, you know. Well it was open everywhere. That was the thing. It was not busy. But he goes looks around and goes like I'll find you. I'll find you a waiter and then he runs off and comes back

with no one. He says like, all right, go to your seat and we go over we get sad and there's other people in here and you know, it's fine. Just normal. We didn't think it was weird. It took like 20 minutes for someone to come by and it was the same guy being like so

sorry getting you a waiter I thought he was gonna like put on a mustache be like alright I'll be your waiter. Get you all something to drink? No no and then five minutes later pretty quickly he brings this waitress and she takes our drink order and then it's okay it's like we right back and then 20 minutes passed by What this lady was gone eight is probably a large number for places It was so empty so empty in there and the other side of the restaurant was Packed with waiters and people eating you have it a great time All that's the eating section you were in the waiting section Well, she gets our drinks after a little bit and we bring them over and we put in like some appetizers

and some people for some reason are like, oh, I haven't thought about what we're eating yet. We've been here for an hour and I have no idea what I want. Editors, if you're watching, not you, but you know who you are. It's, yeah, not them, but the other ones. You know, the other ones, you know what I mean? We order, she comes, she goes away, 15 minutes pass by,

she comes back, hits the other tables, leaves tables leaves not us comes back with two appetizers five minutes later puts in front of me and someone in the middle of the table we're just like do we wait at this point you at least have salad or breadsticks or something right no oh and three people at the end haven't gotten their drinks yet I had to reach oh well what she did I've totally forgot when she brought the drinks she set out some of them set the tray down on the table next to their drinks yet. I had to reach over, well, what she did, I totally forgot, when she brought the drinks, she set out some of them, set the tray down on the table next to us and left. And I had to go grab them off of the tray

from the other table and pass them down the table to the other people. It was a minor thing when things started to go weird. We finally order, and meanwhile, people are getting seated in our area as we're ordering food. They get their drinks, appetizers, and their full meals before we finish getting our appetizers. And there's eight of us!

That's not an exor- anyway. So, I need- I need advice. Potentially illegal advice on how you guys would remedy this situation starting with Hedge's Bob's Wade. What'd you do? Actually me is a bitch and I would just deal with it and be annoyed but I would just deal with it. I'm putting you down a point for actually a bitch. Yeah, well, that's just the truth of the matter. I very much, when I'm at a restaurant, whatever happens, unless my food's wrong, then I'm nice, but

I'm like, hey, this is wrong, can I get it fixed? I will not eat bad, I want my food right. But as far as like bad service, I just deal with it. I'm like, you know, this sucks, they're probably having a shit day. I can get mad, but what's that gonna do? Then I'm gonna spit in my food, I'm just gonna suck it up and deal with it you want some good illegal advice yes I do at this particular place I believe you do get bread so I would get the bread I would stuff some in a bag or just hide it or just ask for some more to go just keep getting bread wait outside like hiding in a bush until close figure out where this person's car is and then now that you know which car is there you

come back the next day and you stuff all the bread in their exhaust pipes when they go to leave their car just explode that'll fucking teach them that is a slow burn and a explosive ending I like that it's a really long that wire that catches fire before the dynamite explodes fuse that's the word I'm gonna be you guys realize the older I get the scarier I will become because I have the worst memory of anyone I know right now and it's all downhill from here when I can't remember the word fuse I guess my my thing is there's a lot of words I don't remember just use a different word. I go descriptor I'm like, you know, I can't think of the thing I'm thinking of so long fire cord

Leads to dynamite booms. I mean it was effective. It's not like it didn't work out But I like it because the time it takes to get to the tailpipe that you know is theirs The bread has gone more stale So it really compacts in there and everyone knows just like a critical point on a boss Big red and glow in the tailpipe shove some in there whole car blows up Yeah, and as they're like screaming and for help you drop a banner that just says we'll be right with you Then remember us party of eight in parentheses remember us party of eight in parentheses. The signs sincerely the marketing team. Make sure they really know.

I think you get some art made of you guys at the table so that they really know the gift picture they took at the end that cost us 40 bucks. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Good. Good. Bob.

All right. This, this one, this approach requires a quick snap decision. I'm not saying you'll never get it wrong, but I am saying you have to be really thoughtful because what you wanna do, if you reach the point of like services too long, clearly your waiter is distracted or something has happened, whatever.

What you do is you don't leave, you're still gonna eat, you're already at the restaurant and like it would take so long to get somewhere. It's not like you're gonna save time going somewhere else. But if you want to speed up, you go out, step out, excuse yourself, go out to the car, grab your eight ball of cocaine that you keep in the car, purely for planting evidence purposes.

Go back inside, ask an employee where the bathroom is and look kind of lost and wander your way back to the employee locker room. You notice the name on the waiter's name tag before all of this started, so find the locker that has their name on it. Stick that in there, go back to your table, get the manager's attention,

let them know that you saw some white powder or substance or something on a waiter's nose and you have some concerns, they're behaving erratically, whatever. Cops will be there in 10 minutes. You'll get a new waiter. Service will be impeccable. The manager will see to it that you get everything you want so that you don't do anything crazy and talk about their coked up waiter who wouldn't bring you your drinks and appetizers. I believe it would work. How much is an eight ball? How much is that?

I honestly don't know. I know that term from like crime procedural, crime drama TV shows. I assume an eight ball is either eight ounces or yeah, or magic eight ball size. If you buy the whole rack of 15 it's 1 15th the price okay that's weird 8 ball refers to 3.5 grams of cocaine oh because it's 1 eighth of an ounce i didn't say that first that must be how much a 8 ball in a billiards set weighs. 3.5 ounces. That's probably right. I also know the term nickel bag from Jane Silent Bob Strike Back.

No, it's pronounced nickel back. Give me those drugs. Look at these drugs. Every time I do they make me high. I think we both went the wrong way on this Bob What was what did mark say at the start is like when you're here your family or whatever? So we should have done it should have kidnapped the waiter waitress taking them someplace Concluded their feet and then when they ask why we go because we were family you didn't treat us like family you let down the family

But a better accent than that Were you trying to be like a mobster or something i'm ohio mob but yeah i'm supposed to be you let down the family you let down the family hey tony Give me some of that gaba ghoul. I need some pasta fazhule Now we're never gonna now you guys are never gonna know where the place where your family is I think I figured out where it is. Oh, okay. Well bonus points if you do it. It's It's Chuck E cheese. No, no, isn't that all of garden slogan? It is all of garden Yeah, that's why I said the salad and breadsticks cause Vizzoli's. Well I did that cryptically because the Portuguese didn't know about Olive Garden.

They probably did but I assumed that they didn't. Was there a big rivalry between Olive Garden and Portugal? Say they hadn't seen Edward Burbach's video about Olive Garden? I don't know. I don't know. I got another option. Mine involves, okay, in this universe, your close personal friends with Vin Diesel. You call Vin, you tell him you're at a restaurant where they claim that when you're here, you're family, and then he gets outraged for you, and Vin Diesel comes into the Olive Garden and just starts shouting

at everyone, it's about family! And then they're all like, Vin Diesel comes into the Olive Garden and just starts shouting at everyone, it's about family! And then they're all like, Vin Diesel? And your service is actually way worse, but Vin Diesel's there. Alright, it is an option. Alright, but what if you find your service crushed and you get with them and you have a kid and you leave the kid on their doorstep as your final revenge? They've got to raise your kid with their crush.

That'll teach them! That'll fucking teach them! doorstep is your final revenge they've got to raise your kid with their crush that'll teach them! that'll fucking teach them! all right what you do is you reach into the novelty pumpkin Halloween candy container that you use as a purse and you pull out cans of spaghettios that you always carry with you just in case and then since it's Italian food nobody notices and you just eat cold Spaghetti Oh's right out of the can Cuz your family I thought you're What you do is you help them hook up or they get to have sex but it turns out they're at

Camp Crystal Lake where having sex is a death sentence and then Jason Voorhees comes and machetes them No, just their fuck time. Alright this Olive Garden is on the moon. You're inside where nobody has space suits on. You look at your waiter when you finally get her attention and you say hey excuse me I think one of our party is outside trying to find the entrance would you mind peeking out the door and letting them know how to enter the restaurant and you mind peeking out the door and letting them know how to enter the restaurant and Without thinking they go to the door and crack it open to peek out But then I have a spacesuit on and they get sucked out into space and they freeze to death on the surface of the moon And then you get spaghetti from someone else

Well done. I think that's pretty good. Does any of that solve your problem? All of them solve it. All of them solve it. Problem solved forever. I can't believe you did an entire episode about Olive Garden. All right. We got some more Bob. I know. Let's go back here in the peach in the game. The claymation movie, James and the giant peach. You're the spider. James is the waiter. What you do is you kill them. That's it! That's great guys, you really tapped into it. Very, very illegal. All those- I think we're on it. Yeah, I think we're really on this, Wyd. Man, that's great. Okay, what about something a little, you know, less devastating?

So this happens every time I travel. Like I'm flying, I check checked my bags I get them free cuz fucking diamond medallion me over here holy shit three free bags or something unbelievable even they could be me overweight they don't even care they don't even care not southwest anymore apparently do you see what they're they're getting away with their they're giving they're stopping their one thing people liked which was the free bags oh I thought it was the pick your own seats, which I hate Yeah, that's not a positive. That's just them pretending that something shitty is actually a positive You know to pick your own seat, you don't get to sit with your party. You get to pick your own separate seats

They're all middle seats. Have fun stupid when I'm flying And I'm in the lap of luxury and beautiful comfort plus sure sure sure credit anyway But after I get off, I don't gotta wait for my bags. I'm standing. You know like a sane person Outside of the actual belt away from it So that I'm not blocking up everything and you know people come off and they get to my left they line up right next to me or Maybe someone's there I line up right next to them right about where you know the benches in the sitting area is then comes fuck Oh McGee over here as soon as it goes Boy, and they start moving

Right up in the middle of it right and knees touching the metal I'm gonna get it as soon as it comes here. It's gonna be fast I better be ready and then suddenly every douchebag in the world comes flooding up and blocking every those even in front of me Inside of me it doesn't matter. I was like I could see everything. No, I can see nothing I don't know why I'm picture them all looking like Fonzie but out of thriller and kind of walking like with their hands going like this and like bent leg as they approach the belt Exactly that exactly that you know the douchebag walk Bob. You're first. What do I do? This makes me so angry. I don't understand what happens to people but it the solution is easy

It helps if you've been on a longer trip but you can actually start preparing before your trip if it's a short trip. What you're gonna want to do is not shower or in any way bathe or wash yourself for a minimum of eight days in a row prior to having to stand and wait at baggage claim. I think the outcome here is pretty self-evident, but basically you want a pig pen-esque, visible cloud of stank that not only smells so bad that people wanna stay away from you, but creates an actual physical barrier

where if people try to get close to you and they try and enter your area, it's like they're caught in a miniature tornado and little splinters and debris get lodged in their skin if they stay in it for too long. It's like a supernatural force field of stank and I think you'll find you'll have lots of space in a number of different scenarios if you just prepare for your trips in This manner and if it's a long trip you can go you could start your trip fully washed And then just make sure you lead up to the kiss wood because when you're going somewhere, and you have to do the baggage claim thing It's still stupid, but when you're getting home from a trip, and you're like oh

Just let's get to the car and fucking the airport. That's the one where you really can't stomach the morons who push your three feet away from the thing. You're at the absolute minimum distance where you're like, I'm respecting the boundary, but I'm claiming my sense. There's still some asshole who's like, excuse me. Excuse me. The douche excuse me, excuse me. The douchebag walk. Excuse me. It's not illegal even.

You're totally welcome to do that. Like, you can't, what are they gonna do? Arrest you? They can't. Can't get in the force field. They make a portable fog machine that I've used before on set and like for film shoots and stuff.

If you stuck that in your pants and suddenly you started emitting a fog i think people would run away in the same way you just burst a bunch of stink bombs inside of it then you turn on the fog you fill it with stink juice instead of that would be horrible well you got to make yourself immune to it so you got to endure it for like many months of just stink juice up your nose the rocky montage of juice? Yeah no it's like it's like the the princess what's that the princess bride you slowly build up your resistance to Iocaine powder but it's not Iocaine it's stink juice. Pour a little

bit in your drink every day? This is a complete aside and not related to what we're talking about but can I just put this out there? Is there a greater joy in life than coming across a video on the internet of a person in one of those inflatable suits where there's a fan constantly sucking air into the suit to keep it like inflated and puffy and someone comes up behind them with a little bottle of fart spray and just hits him with the old and then the person in the suit is just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And it's, is there anything funnier than that?

Like I know that there is, but when I, cause those always come out of nowhere. You'll be online and then it's like, there's just a video of a guy in a Barney suit or something. And then that's the fart spray happens and you're just like, oh, I needed that. Not particularly illegal, but I'll still take it wait. What you got? All right, here's what you do. You've been waiting they come up. They think they're all smooth, right?

They're smooth sliding by you get right in front of you like oh pardon me and they get right in front of you to get Their bag. Well, that's why you carry around your travel sandpaper. You get your travel sandpaper out You put it on the conveyor belt sandpaper out you put it on the conveyor belt and slowly their skin just gets ripped off by the sandpaper then their bag comes and boops their nose just to rub it in even further did you coat the entire belt with sandpaper or did you put one square and you shove them down you're like this will teach you! Gotta really wait for it to come back around. It's a really big roll of travel sandpaper.

It takes up a lot of space. It's a good size, like square, but you do have to like rub it, wait for it to come around, rub it again. The dread, the dread of it coming back is what really will teach him a lesson. All right, I'll take that. This is relatively tame compared to the restaurant,

but I guess- Well, I sort of thought we were gonna escalate this when I started relative. I thought we were gonna- You got more? So you've got your carbon fiber, retractable Assassin's Creed sleeve blade, right? And they push by you,

you wait until you see their bag coming and you just stand there and you blend in with the crowd like in the games. And when the nuns start to get confused while you're walking around with them when you're clearly not one. And as you see your nemesis eye their bag, because you can tell there's a thing that happens when the bag comes around and the person is like, and they like prepare their body to grab the bag you get up right behind them just

Outside of the range where they could sense you real close and rise. They're about to reach for the bag Right through their hand Yeah, like intercept the grab right through their hand retract the blade walk away back to the nuns Go climb into a go climb into a wagon full of hay when you go through the crowd do you do the thing where you touch everyone on the shoulders yeah you're walked through the crowd and you do like the swimming arms yeah just don't accidentally bump the blade early yeah you gotta really watch out okay all right that's good

Assassin's Creed wait all, I get there early. Like before I like the pre-flight, long time. And I know a guy who works the airport. So I get some time to set up. You're waiting for your bag. Everyone's got their like generous three feet of space, we'll call it three feet of space, put them in the conveyor belt. And then people start coming in and they get close. And then they like the errrr, errrr, errrr and you hear the conveyor start to go but as that triggers something else triggers and everyone standing within that one foot radius of the conveyor belt You're fucking splattered by the giant angles that drop from the ceiling

Cause they shouldn't have been there yet, they were there too early Oh fucking true splat and then they lift up and you got your space get bags, if you were patiently waiting the correct amount of space. I was thinking also, we could do that with your preparation time, I thought of something where you paint an optical illusion spiral into the conveyor belt that only activates when it starts moving. So all the sheeple that start walking towards, they fall fall into the conveyor belt and then get ground in the Mechanisms and you are smart enough to look away. That's where airport taco bells get their beef I forgot about the luggage shredders inside the conveyor belt Oh, I'm sorry you put anvil in the ceiling and a luggage shredder is too much for you

While E Coyote doesn't believe in your luggage belt shredders You don't get your bag fast enough it gets shredded this one isn't affecting you directly but it's affecting your experience and also just like Public sanctity and common rules and like common decency as our fellow humans and guardians on this planet, right? Sure. Mm-hmm. Yes, you're at an aquarium, having a lovely time. Best time, looking at all the fish. Oh, the jellyfish exhibit. It's all dark in here. You see them.

Oh, they're glowing. It's so cool. You're walking through. Alright, then you hear... Ting, ting, ting, ting. Well, that's an odd sound. Ting, ting, ting, ting. It's getting louder.

Ting, ting, ting. You look behind you, there's someone. Could be a little kid. Just... Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, getting louder. Ting ting ting. You look behind you. There's someone could be a little kid just Ting ting ting ting ting on the glass everywhere every single day, but ding ding ting on the glass That's illegal by itself. Probably. How do I solve this even more illegally? Well, you bring your little shit bag out pull it on out of your

Backpack a little shit bag For the little shit see if the deal with when you're at the aquarium Is it a bag for shit? No for little shit little shit like with a hyphen not little shits, but little shits Okay, you press the button and it turns into a little exhibit of its own and you slam it on top of the kid And then you tell everyone hey little shit little shit And they all come over and you all start to take on the kid and then you tell everyone hey little shit little shit and they all come over and you all start on the kid in the glass. They all know what that means instinctively huh? Oh everyone knows even the parents the parents will probably join and be like well they're right

actually there are statues I believe there are statues in China I believe of like these traitors that they made such of they're kneeling like their hands are tied and people come up to them and they slap the statues spit on them do all kind of cuz cuz they're Traders with an IT. I was thinking DERS like they were trading and I was like we don't like trade If there's one thing about China, they don't like trade grow your own or steal no trading Just food, maybe I visited China once and they found out I was a barter. We're almost got caught in the crossfire They made a whole statue of you. No, I'm not a traitor. I'm a barter. All right, great. Great. Great. Great All right, Bob

Obviously you were going to the aquarium So you slug Maui's magical fish hook on your back before you headed out the door. It's not made of metal, and it looks decorative. So when you're entering the aquarium and you walk through the metal detectors, everyone's cool with it. They think you're just goofing around. The little shit behind you starts knocking on the glass.

You take Maui's fish hook off your back, turn around, transform into top half shark, bottom half legs so you can still stand there, look at him with your weird shark face and go you turn back into a human you swallow his hand and you say Don't fucking knock on my fucking glass Then you just turn back into a human and walk away Kid will remember that lesson for the rest of their life. Is that from the show? I'm not familiar with Maui's fish. Is that from the show the shark? Whatever the hell it was called. Oh, yeah Yeah, it's a Disney channel shark meat I know that from Moana but I think that's actually just like part of the legend of Maui the demigod yeah for sure for sure so super illegal very good

all right any other ways to deal with this guy or can we move on oh yes oh yeah you walk up to him and you say oh you want to see some really cool fish like these are pretty cool but I'll show you the really cool ones. They tie the little fucker up and you dangle them slowly into the piranha tank and let them nibble away at him piece by piece. So there's nothing left. Look at Cartoon. They turn it into a skeleton.

There's like there's like wood shipper noises. You dangle them in the barrage. It's like, the skeleton comes out and they're like, Oh, no. And you're like, now you learned your lesson. And then they leave, but they're skeleton forever. All right. Yeah. That's, that's good. He's not going to forget that one. Bob anymore. I don't think you could do much better than Maui's magical fish hook. I'll give that. I have an easier one. If you don't own Maui's

magical fish hook, uh, I think you just turn around and just give them a really disapproving glare. Nothing is more biting to a completely unaware child than the disapproving glare of a stranger they're not paying attention to. And you can go home with the satisfied feeling that you know that they know that you know what they did and you did not approve of it. I could deescalate if that's what we're doing. You give him some really thick comfy gloves.

For God's sake just end it and move on. Get your tell him out of ideas. Magical fish summoning gloves, but actually they're just really thick cloths and when he knocks it doesn't make noise. All right I thought we were doing the other verse. We're not the one Bob. We're doing the thing, right? Come on Bob you fart that's it you fart that's it. That's the end of it. Just Hope they walk through it. You haven't been fart at them You just fart in anger you cup your hands around your butt

you somehow keep your hands closed and move your hands under your feet. Like one of those, like a prisoner escaping with his handcuffs. Go up to the kid and go, hey kid, look at this! AHHH! And then they die. Because I was eating pure cyanide. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh my god!

Whoa, hey, it's illegal here! It's illegal! I thought we were de-escalating! You went the wrong way, man! Oh, actually, wait, you wait till It's illegal. All right, I thought we were deescalating you went the wrong way, man Oh actually wait you wait till he gets to the giant exhibit with the big glass and he's tapping right and you Have one of those glass breakers on the tip of your finger And so you go up next to him you look him in the eye and you start going Tink, tink, tink, tink, crack, tink, tink, tink, crack, crack, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, crack, crack, crack, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, t, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, and the kid is like, nah, and then you jump up and a shark comes out of the tank and grabs you and in front of the kid eats you and you do die. But the kid learns a lesson for the rest of their life. It's like deep blue sea, you know, when Samuel Jackson's like, I've had with motherfucking sharks on this mother

of a, and then he gets, shark comes out and bites him. Yeah, you remember? Yeah, yeah. That's my favorite part of that movie. Alright, moving on. I'm sure everyone has experienced this, but I'm gonna put some specificity to this. You're walking, hallway, sidewalk, wherever, path, where there's guardrails, it a fixed width it's very wide but it's fixed width path right two people just two are in front of you and somehow some way this couple is taking up the whole width and i've experienced this where they are somehow like their arms are spread, their backpack swinging so wide that they couldn't pop and slow just wide and slow blocking up the entire space.

You can't get around them. You're locked into this. It's cars going a million miles an hour. It's a subway train this way. It's not the same place. It's different places or the same place, whatever your mind's eye sees. Sorry about that. And so it's, it's just, you can't get around them no matter what. How do you do this? How do you deal with it? You're walking down the path towards them. You use your special cloning ability to become a of yourself. You take up the entire path, like there's no physical way

that's Red Rover rules. They're not coming on over. They are getting pushed off of the path. And it's their choice whether they get pushed into the oncoming subway train or into the oncoming traffic on the road that are sandwiching this path you're walking on with not a millimeter of space between path and certain death and you lock arm in arm

and you slowly trudge towards them and let them pick their reward for taking up the entire path for no fucking reason. God it's just train after train, one after another, it's just non-stop cars. It's like Frogger in this bitch. It's just like, both multiple ways. It's like eight tracks wide. Even if they miss the first couple, there's no way. That's really comprehensive. It teaches them a lesson with the lesson they were failed to be taught.

Technology has come a long way. So you're behind them, you're listening. You listen to their conversation, you pick up their names, so on and so forth. Eventually you manage to trudge out ahead. You find a gap in the trains or cars, just to pass them, get up ahead a bit. And you get some photos of them together,

acute photos for later. And then with technology, you become Brad's best buddy. You get some photos of you and Brad together. You get some photos of Brad and his other lady friends or male friends or what have you. Some compromising photos of them. Then you keep getting your dirt built up. You fall back behind him again.

And then you come jogging up. Brad, is that you? Huh? Buddy, I missed you! Oh my god I can't- who's this one? And you pull out your photos? Nope that's not her. That's not him Oh, this is all three of us and you ruin that guy's fucking life. The long Conrad. They'll never be walking together again. How long are these people walking on this path? Well, they're annoying you that much man.. They're walking real slow, making out every few steps. Technology has come a long way. That's fast. Anyway, Bobby, got any other ways? All right. This

is illegal, but it's not violent against the people you drove here in your tanker truck full of nuclear waste. Everyone. this is a path that loops back. So you know they're walking out, they're gonna walk back. It's as a, you know, whatever. It's a park where it loops back. Everyone parks in the parking lot and then to the back of the parking lot.

You cut your walk short, head straight back to the parking lot. Boom, huge chemical spill. Somehow this tanker truck full of nuclear waste emptied just all over every single car in the parking lot. It's all just it's quarantined, it's locked down, no one can come within five miles of that location for the next 3,000 years thanks to the half-life of whatever green goop was in your truck. Nobody gets hurt unless there was someone in the parking lot, but they should have known better. And they learned the lesson that they

learn it. They learn it because it's in there and that's where they learned it at the park. They'll be, well, we're not parking at this parking lot anymore. They won't be walking that path. They'll come back and they'll see all the people in hazmat suits and there'll be people fleeing for their lives and they'll be like, oh no, we're blocking the whole sidewalk. We should let these people flee for their lives. And then they'll be like, yeah, we shouldn't block the whole sidewalk anymore. That's how they learned the lesson. Somehow their repulsion field just prevents anyone from escaping

and the wall of radioactive waste is just tunneling and they're like, no, we can do, oh no. And then everyone dies. No, sorry, that makes it violent. You take a bat and you beat their legs and break their legs and you break their arms. And you say, hey, should have made more space for us, but you're a cute couple.

You guys wanna be together forever? So then you human kissiped them by sewing their mouths together So they're permanently kissing what their broken legs and broken arms And they can't really resist it and you kind of hang them up Hannibal Lecter style Making a fucking little like thing to walk under like an awning or something of them with their broken arms and legs and mouths kissed together I don't teach them But not too violent. Well, they're alive. So I think have you seen the movie walrus? All right. Well, you should look into it without

it kind of spoilers, but it starts Justin long and there's no actual walrus in it, but there is at the end. It's not great, but it's mostly confusing. Oh, it's called tusk. Oh, whatever the fuck tusk fucking. If you Google Justin Long walrus, it comes up. Oh, I don't like him. You know, you know why, you know, I, I found out about that and why Justin long finds himself in that situation? Why? Because he's an asshole podcaster who does a podcast where he kind of makes fun of people for having like eccentric beliefs or whatever. And the guy who eventually captures him and does this to him agrees to be a guest on his podcast. And so Justin Long goes out to his like mansion

place and is like interviewing him but he's kind of an asshole and then the guy does the walrus stuff is that what you do to the people basically you tusk them yeah but actually they become two meerkats but not so cute cuz big and you know patchy okay got it so you go on Etsy or Amazon one of these sites you order a Captain America outfit you put it on you're running up behind them as they're walking to the path and you say on your left and then they hopefully move out of the way and you pass all right it's a such a wild swings from Hey listen, I give you a variety of options you choose what level of intensity you want to go I appreciate that man. I appreciate all right. Let's wrap it up there man. We had some more idea

What olive garden Bob? I'm so you call your friend Ultron So you call your friend Ultron I'm gonna read the points and then I'll add you know who had the best time Whatever definition that is to the wheel But we'll start with Bob because you're on the left here. You got a point for suicide hole You got a point for how much is an eight ball? That was just a question I had Olive Garden separate point for Olive Garden on the moon Pig pen esque cloud

fartsuit prank Assassin's carbon fiber Maui's magic hook. I just wrote shark. That's a that was a separate idea eight magic clones nuclear waste and Yutuskem, I'm killing mark usually gives out like handful of points wait you got the deer Actually a bitch that'll fucking teach them. Give me those drugs Your travel sandpaper anvils little shit bag little shits bag Sorry piranha tank Technologies come a long way Human kissipede and on your left which one two, three, four, five, six, seven eight nickel back. Give me those drugs

I knew it's funny. I laughed it. I just couldn't remember why all right one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven Damn, you guys were killing it this game Bob Marginally more by one point, but we'll see how the wheels shake up to do that give me a three D3, please roll a d3 die here we go and start They and I added for you mark I added had the best time right that's great. That's good. Thank you for that Wearing the least amount of clothes. I got three pieces. I have socks, pants, underwear, undershirt and shirt on. No socks. Oh yeah, usually do two shirts, Bob.

And I forgot about that. I do, yeah, I have an undershirt on today. It's in there. Just one. So that's one up. It would be tied right now. It could technically be a tie, but depending on how these points shake out. Oh, one man show opportunity. Oh

Shit, that's a tough one for this episode. Who got the biggest laugh? There was a lot of laughs Bob you had Consistently really funny stuff, but I think one of Wade's jokes made me laugh really hard It was it was either between like I think it was the third Iteration of that'll fucking teach him just cuz it had like callback in there and also just the insanity of human kiss of Pete Eight magic clones and the Frogger's stuff really made me laugh hard. This was a this was a laugh heavy episode I don't know what the biggest laugh is. This was a really the Olive Garden on the moon. I was dying Give me those drugs. I did laugh. Oh man. I don't know. I don't fucking know. I mean, it's I'm not.

Yeah. I feel like it's pretty balanced. Actually. It's it's your discretion, Mark. I laughed a lot at weight stuff. So if you think it's an even one, I'm okay with three spins on this. If we can't figure it out. I think if anything like this was pretty equivalent in terms of the funnies. I had a great time. You boys should be very proud. I laughed really hard at my own stuff, Bob's stuff. Like I think we all had some bangers, so I don't know.

Yeah. How about I flip a coin for this? Heads, wave your tails. Whoa. Heads. Hey. Bob's up. Bob's up by one this could either decide it or tie it alright come on baldest! yeah I don't know if there's gonna be a debate if

it's baldest that's trouble for Mark and that decided! well that's a point for the viewers there viewers took it away from me I feel like it's landed on those a lot. They're lucky so with an Extremely close game of a toss-up of that coin toss Bob takes it by one point Congratulations Bob. Oh All right, buddy you guys I know that puts a lot on you guys for making up the stuff But it's just like last time the foot was it like a five gallon bucket of wood glue

It didn't wait to kill God with a shotgun or something Kill God Chuck in the air and hope you hit God If you haven't listened to the first illegal advice it's back in 2023 in October It's a ways back, but very funny episode these guys are on their A game. Bob I'm gonna let you go first winner speech. I love these episodes I can never tell when they're starting off if we're if stuff is just gonna be like unhinged and weird or unhinged and funny, but consistently Wade will say or do something

that will get me in the right mindset to just like completely go off the rails and say the craziest shit I can think of. And I honestly think if it was not for Wade, I wouldn't have won this one, but I did win it and it's my win and I'm keeping it. Okay, fair enough. All right, Wade. I did win it and it's my win and I'm keeping it All right, Wade, I'm happy to be someone's muse. That's what it is. I just enjoy the laughter I think laughing and smiling is so much better than the alternative

So if even if I lose knowing that we got the laugh, even if no one watching or listening laugh I laughed I found us hilarious and that's all that really matters. What a hot take. Laughter fun. I love me. And when me happy, me like that. And as the host who had nothing to do with most of the jokes, I take all the credit. So this is an incredible episode that I host. Thank you, me, for being me. And everything that I'll do in the future will be hopefully as funny as Something that happened in this episode. Thank you for all the podcast for more. We're on Spotify and YouTube and anywhere that we are Listenable, but only watchable on Spotify and YouTube so go check them out there

Be sure to follow on all of them so it makes us look real good. And then, yeah, merch eventually. But sooner than you think, later than you know. Podcast out.