Distractible - I'm A Doctor!

Episode Date: February 23, 2026

Don't your worry your precious head, just relax and let the good doctors do their jobs. *Gun Gary walks in* Get set up quick and connect to their fast speeds. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Uber One. Do you remember when we used to go get chicken wings, Mark? I know that occasionally I would be like my college grant money got into my couch time for chicken wings. And in that case, Uber 1 for students is the best way to save money on Uber and Uber Eat. Members get great perks like $0 delivery fee, 5% off eligible orders, and 5% back in Uber credits on ride. Try it out now and get your first four weeks free. Become an Uber 1 for students member and start saving on Uber. Uber and Uber Eats. Eligibility and member terms apply.

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2025. All rights reserved. Good evening, gentle listeners, all watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Wastoral Wade aches for the antiquated, nibbles his digits, and asks for assistance.

Bifurcating Bob returns from the House of Mouse, identifies crimes, administer's assassination deterrence, LeBaldemies, and he gorged genu. Mucosy marked a mic master, Snarse caffeine offers dental deletion and Brazilian bald cures. From sarcastic Satanism to traffic trebushes.

Ha ha ha ha ha. It's time for I'm a doctor. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Distractable. I'm today's host, Wade, because I've one, whatever we did last time, apparently. Joanne is always one of my co-host, Mark and Bob.

That's me. I'm one of those. I'm the other one. You'll never figure out which is which. We sound the same. Exactly the same. Exactly the same. What a great bit. Come on, man. What the hell? God damn. Sorry, that's not sarcastic. I meant it genuinely. It's going to be one of those episodes.

We haven't even told you your episode I do stupid and then decided not to engage with it yet. Wait till we're mean first. Oh, man. Wait until you guys find out how weird today's episode is. It's weird, seven, weird. Well, those skip weird six, I guess, but... Six is a bad number. Fuck, weird six.

Yeah, yeah, I've always thought. Come on, guys. What, you're a seven guy. I am. Seven is your number. Yeah, but six is like Satan and stuff, you know? Hail Satan. That's what we say right here.

We say that all the time. Two out of three of us love that. That's my favorite vocal warmup. Well, get on the call and just go, hell Satan. Hell Satan. There it is. Hell sick

All right, go We got Mark in a voice clip saying it to it feel better All that was just set up just to get Mark's clip

I really needed that one Oh Sorry if I'm snodding I just getting over a pretty bad sickness So I apologize If I'm sniffling

through the episode You got a mossy lung You ever joined Before is a show We're one of us hosted We took a people For

So over as the most At the end wins It comes next episode Very usual we smart we smart with start we start we start with start oh editors cut that out try again buddy make my lips look right we start with smart talk no yes smart smart why smart talk i don't know if i'm up to smart talk today oh god yeah feel pretty dumb per usual we start with small talk nailed it first try anything new in your

lives please talk so i don't have to uh i got plenty i got plenty new microphone every era of my channel is defined by my microphone, which is this? I think it's something, something, something 8,000. I miss PG-42, Mark. I got to be honest. Oh, you remember even the name of the... Dude, I still use the PG-42 that you got me.

It's fucking great. It's a great microphone. It was a great microphone. Way big step up, and then they discontinued it for some reason. I can't imagine why. That's a fantastic microphone. Anyway, this one is concerning because it sounds good. I think I like it.

but it's got a heat sink in the back. You can't really tell because of my... So this is a heat sink. A heat sink. And I've never known my past microphones to have a heating problem. Like, they've never felt warm or anything. This feels hot. Why is it hot?

I don't know. Maybe it's meant for lewd content, so it knows that things might get a little spicy. Halfway through this episode, just like... But it sounds great, guys. I feel like I gotta keep using it. I'm clearly not in the bowling alley house anymore. So that's good.

It was good. James had a hell of a time in Disney. He very much enjoyed Disney. But that much traveling has been, was hard on him. And is it funny that I feel kind of guilty? Because I feel like he had a really fun day in Disney. And we also did Universal and he rode the Yoshi ride and he really liked that in the Super Mario. And the rest of the trip, he had fun.

There was a pool at the house that we say that. Very cool. He loves a pool. But now, like, we're home now. And he's just like, ah, I hate everything. where's Disney? And we're like, nah, it's regular life again, buddy. Like, we're this, we're back at the house. We live in. This is everyday life. Remember? I feel kind of bad because I feel like, we stayed in a house down in Orlando and he was like, all right, this is life now. We go to Disney twice a week. I swim in the pool every other day of the week. All my grandparents are always around. We eat naughty food. We watch as much TV as we want and we swim in the pool and go to Disney. All right. And then we come back home and it's like, you guys fucking suck. Why would you show me that life? I'm sorry, man.

I don't know. I thought you'd have fun. It's my bad, I guess. Is that why we're all so tired even as adults when we come back from vacation? We're like, oh, why'd you show me that life? Why have we back to this? Not Mark. Mark's better than us, but the rest of us.

I've known sadness. I've known despair. You like hard work, though. Yeah, that's true. I do. I'm not like making the masochist joke. You actually just really like, I mean, the movie was a lot. And it was a long time.

And I don't know. I don't know your overall feeling about it. But I could, like, you could tell you really fucking like just like being in the trenches. I mean, like, I have to work 14 hour days for the next week. I have to do it. I have not known what to do with myself. The past few weeks have been so strange. I've started watching an anime.

That's how I am. Man, normal people don't do that. That's weird. I know, right? I mean, I just think about it, I haven't watched an anime in many, many years. I mean, I think the last one I even watch was probably... Is this a hint? Are you scoping out the competition for your next project?

I'm working on my animation skills right now, man. I'm going to show that anime industry. Who's boss? The next Toriyama is Markiplier? He is dead, so I could be him. Oh. I apologize. I apologize.

Yeah, but also I was sick this weekend. So this is going to sound like the most middle-aged, middle-of-the-road, like 40-year. old stand-up comedian joke bit in the world. But here I go. I usually, I was sick over the weekend, so I didn't have any caffeine or anything. I was just kind of on the couch, you know, just like draining. In that, I was like, oh, this is a great opportunity. You might notice like I've got like my caffeine-free soda here. I did because it's really hard to get in Ohio and I'm kind of jealous, but. So I was like, oh, this will be the perfect day to start back. I've already gone through the headaches and whatnot because I didn't even notice it. I was sick. So I, I,

I take Cheka out to the park in the morning, so I was like, I'm going to stop by McDonald's. I'll grab a decaf coffee and, ah, it'll be, it'll be great. So I order decaf, says decoff on the menu. I think you know where this is going. I normally never finish my coffees. I usually just take like a third of it and that's all I'll drink, especially if it's like a giant one from a drive-thru or something. I'm out walking, cheek up like, ah, you know, says decaf, I'll drink the whole damn thing.

So we're walking. I'm like, oh, glug, oh, glug. Glug, glug, glug. Yay. Oh, what a fun day. By the time we were on the way back to the car, I started going, man, things are really fast. Things are really spinning up.

Oh, whoa. First time I've ever noticed, the caffeine started to hit, and I was like, but that's impossible. And I just looked down on my coffee, and it's like the tab's not punched for a decalf. And I look over at the label on the side. I'm like, oh, no. Anyway, that's the end of my bit. I had way too much caffeine this morning. and I feel funny.

And all my, my desire to change my life and be no caffeine is ruined forever. It's all ruined. Now I gotta go chug a Red Bull. I know it is. I have to. Might as well.

In for a penny. In for the other penny. Yeah, what is that saying mean? I guess it's English, but a penny isn't English. A penny is American, but a pound is in English,

you know, like... No, a penny's still in English. I thought they had pence. Are those called pennies? It sounds like it could be another term for... penny and if it was a pen said a penny and i'm maybe i don't know i guess in for a penny in for a dollar sounds kind of stupid so i'm not opposed to it and they phased out the penny anyway in for a nickel in for a dollar and for a checkbook those are hip now right checkbooks are i saying it like that

checkbooks mcooks you like adding some syllables in there multiple checka bookers i don't know it's just fun to say checkbook like that i don't know checkbooks anyway i wouldn't surprise me if those were popular again just because everyone's like, ah, I want to analog because media. I want records and checkbooks. I know that I'm older because I prefer checks to all of the other like money apps you can have.

Everyone's like, oh, just send it via like, whatever. I'm like, can I just mail you a check? Doesn't that sketch you out? Every time I've ever put a check of any sort in the mail,

I'm like, well, I'm either giving someone this money or it's going to get where I hope it does. I guess we'll find out when the check cash is or whatever. Like, isn't it where I feel that way more so about technology. It's like, yep, here's all my banking info. Transfer it along this digital highway.

I am sketched out because it's like you need the exact username or you need their correct phone number or something. But as long as you're like, all right, I've checked five times. This is your phone number. I know the money went to you because it went to the only phone number in the world that is yours. That is this one. Even if I give a check directly to a person, if that's not the person who's the money

is supposed to go to, it's like this, they work for the company or something. What if they take it? It's just a check. I don't even have proof that I did that. What if someone hops on like their digital speedster and they're on the digital highway and they hijack the digital package I'm sending digitally? I see what you're saying. I mean, that all is stuff that happens, yeah. What if that scene from Fast and Furious where they hijack the semi truck full of $5,000 worth of VCRs in their $30,000 worth of cars happens, but online? I see what you're saying. Yes. Like, Inception. and Fast and the Furious had a baby. Yep, yep.

In the internet line. Sure, sure. I don't know. I understand it's probably nonsensical, but I still am like, uh, checks are so much safer than this online app. Who is Mr. Venmo anyway? For some reason, I think mailing money is a crime. I don't think a check is.

I think mailing cash is. Is mailing cash a crime? It's not a crime in itself, but it could be because when you're putting things through the mail system, male fraud is always a possibility, right? That is a crime. And if you're sending money through the mail, it could be fraud.

Could be fraudy. Am I frauding if I put money in the mail? If you don't mean it. Oh, Tripp accidentally. Oh, envelope. No, no. My wallet. Oh, shit.

If it's just a joke, if you're like, I'll send you $500, but you have to send me $1,000 back, but then I'll send you $500 back and then we'll be even. I mean, is that a crime? Yeah, it's probably a crime. What about that company that sent a bunch of nickels out in the envelopes way back when? That's just stupid.

All right. Okay. Whenever we used to do a proof of purchase mails, like for our cereal boxes, is that kind of like mailing money? Crime. Definitely a crime. Yeah, crime. It's all just an elaborate system designed to make, trick you into committing crime so that they've got dirt on you for later. That's actually when you become an adult.

When you finally have some, someone has dirt on you, you actually, and then you're an adult. Yeah, you, what did you do? You know, you, you become an adult. Okay, I forgot that moment in life where I was just like, Oh, taxes, fuck! Yeah, you were, you were, you're six foot now, and you were like two foot, and then just someone got dirt on you, man. I don't think I have anything that interesting to talk about myself, so it's a good thing

I'm the one hosting this. What happened? I don't know. Unless you guys have any objection, I'm going to dive into the episode. No, I'm going to ration my small talk. I have a funny feeling I'm going to lose. So I think I wouldn't need it for next time. Interesting, interesting. Well, we'll see who loses. I'm not going to let you have that one for free. If the wheels have had anything to say about it lately, we have no idea what the hell is about to happen. And we even have that today. Oh, shit. That's right.

Did you remember that write down the things we're supposed to add? Okay. I was supposed to add a point in free parking today. Yes. Yes. Otherwise, no, I didn't remember anything else. The one-man show had some adjustments. Oh, that's right. We added 10% and then there...

Oh, man, my notepad that had it is gone. It was a 10 and then just the normal two, I think, right? So 12%. Yeah. Yeah, so it was at 6, so it's going to be at 18 now. Damn, that's a jump. Well, for today's episode, I think this harkens back to old distractible. This feels like an episode we would have done a long time ago.

We might have talked about something similar to this. I guess I'll leave it up to you guys if you want to do it work together or against each other. But we need inventions that don't exist yet to solve some more of our everyday problems. I got problems and I need you boys to fix them up. Clearly. So do you guys want to work together or do you guys want to work against each other with better inventions? This is a capitalist venture. Definitely competitive.

I concur. Okay, good. Aren't you guys not allowed to agree in that thing? I, kirkun. I invented it. I don't like that. A new way to agree. I don't know if I like Kirkcon either. Come on. Nothing. That's like a Star Trek villain.

It's Kirkcon. I'm going to quit saying that. I feel like... Yeah, uh-huh. Say it harder and see if it sounds better. No, I'm good. Stress the syllables more. Checkbook. What are you saying it like that? Problem I've had, and I've been a lot better about it lately, but it's still something I battle with, especially whenever I'm not paying it. If I'm watching a movie or something, I'm completely zoned out. I will find myself nails in mouth chomping. I'm a nail biter, and I've always been a nail biter,

and I've never been able to stop biting my nails. So I guess we'll see who goes first here. Markheads, Bob, tails, because that's the order you're going to camera wise for me. Bob, you will go first. Good. Fair. I need some invention to help me stop biting my nails. And there's already, like, a nasty tasting polish out, and obviously gloves already exist.

but I'm not going to wear gloves around the house. So we're going to think outside the box a bit, but the nasty taste and nail polish did not stop me. I was just like, oh, this is awful, chomp. Ugh, gross, chomp. So what will actually get me to stop? I have a number of ideas, but I think I'm going to start with my strongest one.

Also, I just want to say in the back of my mind, there are definite alarm bells going off that I feel like we've done this before, but it may have been in completely different contexts. I think we've done an episode like this before, yeah. I know how to make you stop chewing your nails. I call it the Gun Gary. Gun Gary

Intrigue Caill your Peachter interest Yeah everybody wants to know I don't know Who Gary is but I like I don't know I don't know who Gary is

And you don't need to know Who Gary is All you need to know Is that there is a man named Gary And he has a gun And he is watching you To see if you bite your nails

And he's not authorized To kill you on the first try But it escalates Pretty quickly Okay That's it That's the whole invention creates jobs, very effective, one way or another, you're never going to buy your nails again.

Gone Gary. Patent pending. This feels a little breaking bad. I feel like there's going to be like a laser pointer aimed at me at random points whenever my nails approach my mouth. No, he's not secretive. He's just in the room with you for the rest of your life. Oh. There's an upgrade you can get at one point if you feel like your nail biting addiction is sort of cured.

You could go to stealth gun Gary. And you'll never really know if he's there or not for sure because he'll keep his distance. but until you are ready for that upgrade, Gun Gary just follows you a route. This is so capitalist of you to have upgrades and DLCs for Gun Gary. And it is a monthly subscription. And if you want him to ever talk to you, there's an upgrade.

That's their Tier 2 subscription plan. And if you want him to ever talk to you and be nice or not lie to you when he does talk to you, that's the top tier subscription. Those are unrelated services. There's sort of an upgrade. But basic Gunn Gary service will cure you of what ails you, if what ails you is biting your nails.

I imagine instead of like a pop-up window, just occasionally whenever like the exact time hits, he'll just like interrupt his own sentence or whatever you're doing to be like, your subscription is about to expire. Would you like to renew? I don't like that. I don't like the real life version

of how that sounds. Mm-hmm. What sounds effective. I think it would be very effective. Okay, Gun Gary with upgrades and subscriptions. Mark, can you top Gun Gary? Hey, kids. Have you,

ever wanted to be a spy to go out on missions to get captured unexpectedly and have to take the ultimate sacrifice for your country well now you can and also you'll stop biting your nails hi i'm margblyer inventor of tooth spy uh-huh patent pending on the name uh pending means it's waiting judgment right yes yeah yeah sure you know how when a spy is captured They have a certain tooth in their mouth that is actually a secret cyanide capsule. Well, I've developed a certain fake tooth that only responds to the keratin on your fingernail, or keratin in general, or carrots, weirdly enough. Don't know why. Don't eat carrots.

But when you have this, you will be so afraid of biting your nails because you don't know which tooth is the secret tooth. It's also like alligator dentist, you know? You know the game where you got to push the teeth down or else it jumps down on you, but instead it chombed down on you, it's a bunch of cyanide explodes in Miltraface. I think that's how cyanide works. That's how this cyanide works that we found. That's how it works in James Bond, so I assume that's how it works.

Really melt faces. Why was it ever a FNAF adaptation to alligator dentist? Yeah, they had an alligator. Monty, they had Monty. I don't mean like an alligator in FNAV. I mean, why didn't they make the dentist game with a FNAF character? Why didn't they remake that one toy in? Phnaf. Not even in the game, just an actual toy.

You know, you're so right. That would fit. Anyway, sorry, I was just thinking capitalistically. You should probably pen to patent on that. Yeah, pen, pen your pads, man. I have over 10,000 patents pending. And a lot of them are just on whether or not you like the name. That's cool.

Makes sense. They keep telling me, I misunderstand what a patent's for, but I keep telling them, like, I got more names. Come on. Let me in there. So it was, it was carrots, keratin? And what was the other thing you couldn't bite? No, that was it.

Carrotin. Carotin. It's okay. There's nothing else. That makes sense that was why I can only think of those two. I want to make sure I'm a little scared now. What if I have one of those?

Nope, just those. All right, man, I kind of give points already to both of you for both inventions. I don't know which way I want to go. Cyanide tooth or gun, I mean, Gungarry is a lot more just in my face in my way,

but also probably a lot more effective and terrifying. I feel like Mark's invention is cool in a similar way, but what if you just absentmindedly forget? Like, you can't forget that Gun Gary is there. He's there. He keeps your line of, sight and he makes sure you know he's there. Yeah, you order a pot pie with no carrots and they give

you a carrots. It's like, you're dead. I mean, that could be if it hits the tooth. The thing is, it's only one tooth. Unless you pay for the bio, you get it during the buy one, get one special. But you'll, you'll chomp and you'll be like, oh no, was that it? And if your face isn't melted, you're still good. It's a lesson. You got to let yourself fall so that you can catch yourself before you die. That's what my parents taught me. They're both terrifying. I feel like Gun Gary's a guarantee that like Bob's, it's hard to argue. He's there. You can't not see him. I will accidentally probably die with the, I like carrots. So random side tangent, whenever I thought of the buy one, when Mark's a buy one get one free, I thought of Saul like,

you want to play a game. I don't want you get to chance of death. You get two today because it's a buy one, get one free. I saw a post where someone had made like a parody of Saul where it was like religious or something. Let me if I can find the picture. It's called like the Reconciler. The Reconciler. I don't like that. Yeah, someone made a video. I don't know who Curtis Connor is, but he made a video of watching the Saul knockoff called The Reconciler, where it's apparently a Christian knockoff of the movie Saul. I haven't watched the video. But whenever I saw it, the first thought I had and I got to share it with the world because it made me laugh for like 20 minutes was, Do you want to pray a game? You don't know Curtis Connor? No, I don't know people, man. He's pretty funny.

It's stupid, but I was laughing. And every time Molly's like, are you done laughing? I just like, do you want to pray again? That's start laughing. Wait, so is what you saw a parody of this Christian remake of the Saw movie? So all I saw was the thumbnail. Like, his video was recommended on YouTube. It popped up and it said,

Saul and there's an arrow point to reconcile it. So this Christian knockoff of Saul is God awful. I just had the thought, do you want to pray a game? And that's, that's it. That's the end of the story. Didn't watch the video, didn't see the movie, don't know who this guy is, don't know anything, but man, that thought I had made me laugh for a long time. Because it's still really funny to me.

Not funny enough to help you me win, I see. Maybe. Did you make me think of it? Yeah, wasn't it the buy one, killing? Oh, you know what? Yeah. You know, Bob, okay, here we go. I got it figured out.

I understand. I got the, this is why I hedged my bets on the small talk. You're going to burst into more small talk later in the episode. Get some more small talk points. If he said he was holding out. Yeah, we'll see. We'll see how it goes. Mark, you're first on this one.

I need you to help me, man. It turns out I'm bald. What? No. Oh, man. And I need a way of feeling better about being bald, whether it's fixing the baldness or whatever other solution you might have, killing everyone on the planet with hair, whatever you think of.

I need killing everyone on the planet. My friend, not only we're going to get you hair, we're going to save the planet. Hi, I'm Max B. Hare. No, go on. That's so good. Why do I go over? What a strong start. Hi, I'm Max B. Here to give you some hair from another person's dairy.

Let me tell you, there's no bigger problem in this world than the waste from all those Brazilian waxing studios. Rip and throw, rip and throw, chucking out all those single-use wax strips left and right. But Max B. Hair is going to get you there. Where is there? Where there's hair. I've got discount strips. Buy one, get 99 free. Wade, what color would you prefer? There's only one texture.

What color would you prefer? I never even contemplated. Maybe a little of everything. You can have, you will get a little of everything. That's right. In every hundred bucks of slightly pre-done hair, you'll get a whole rainbow of hair from every type. So you can rest assured that every single occasion you'll have a brand new to pay to match.

And yes, it will be sticky. Oh, God, I hate it. I want to see it written out where it's like you pronounce it slightly pre-dun hair. Oh, what a brilliant thought, man. Oh, my eye. Oh, my eye.

You might have cured me except for, oh, fix my eye. We were fixing my eye. It gets 100 points. You need new contacts, man. This is the second time. These are dailies. All right. How many days have you worn them?

Just today. I don't fuck around with wearing contacts more than once. You all right? Oh, I'm dying. Help me with my hair. though, forget my eyes. I don't need to see. I just need to look beautiful. Alright, isn't my turn? I think so. Is Max B hair done? Yeah, I'm done. Max be done. I am Dr. Shineenog, and I'm here to tell you that you can like the way you look.

You may have heard of me. Wherever there's knees, wherever there's nogs, I'm there. Today I'm here to talk to you about nogs. Specifically, sad bald ones, but that's okay. Science is determined there's nothing we can do to put hairs back onto a head. It's all bullshit. It's basically super clue. You're not going to have hair and it's not your fault. But with my new procedure, you can love the way you look. I call it a LaBaldomy. I take by a highly calibrated ice spike

and the biggest hammer I'm legally allowed to swing at your face. And I remove the parts of your brain that make you feel bad about how bald you are. The LaBaldomy. It's cheaper than it sounds. This product has not been tested. This sponsored. This product is not endorsed by Dr. Shineen.

dog. Buy your own risk. How impartial he doesn't need to endorse his own products. That would be biased. Hey, they just pay me and I swing the hammer, man. Brought that you buy me. I also don't endorse this product. You pay me.

Max B. Air will be all over those endorsements. So my choices are wax strip hair. Oh, slightly pre-done hair. Slightly pre-done. Oh, man. What choices? I don't know who wouldn't go for the LaBaldome. given this choice. Well, you know, I might have leaned toward the LaBaldi of shiny

dog had endorsed his own product, but that makes me a little nervous. So I'm going to go with the wax strips on this one. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, man, give me that slightly pre-used hair. Also, it's probably cheaper to have used hair. It is very cheap for me. Buy one get 99 free? Yep. Oh, yeah. You know, I save money. We could reuse the same ice pick. I mean, it's whatever. Yeah, why bother cleaning it? I won't remember. I'll remove that part, too, that cares about that. So you want to do it. me bother. Oh, God, I forgot about the hair rivals, Max B. Hair and shiny nog. Side tangent, lobotomies, I've never really understood how the hell, because I know the

description of it, which is like put a nice pick like right here or something on the inner eye or wherever, and then you just wonk a hammer. Is that real? It's about damaging the frontal lobe or something. Yeah, it causes damage to the frontal lobe in a way that affects the person's brain function and basically turns them into kind of more of a zombie so they're less wouldn't it cause damage to the eye and and the sinuses and then all the other stuff in front of the brain why does it go through the eye or does it i thought maybe it went through the nose and you like drilled a hole and that i i honestly don't know i only know lobotomy as like a joke from movies like i can't believe that was a serious thing that medical doctors did to people or

still do, I hope not. Dr. Walter Freeman popularized inserting an ice pick-like instrument through the eye socket, driving it through the bone with a mallet and swinging it to sever white matter. Swinging it? Just so you got to get it in there and then you go, yeah. This is like, this is a shitty overview, but yeah. Sure, that seems fine. Surgery severs most of the connections to and from the prefrontal cortex and the anterior part

of the frontal lobes of the brain. Well, yeah, we don't need those parts So yeah, of course the Lobobbies were a good idea Yeah, some of those parts are probably useless Oh yeah, I've got to give you guys another prompt I was like, where if what about? Keep going, so Bigger is seen as better, right?

So we're going to cure Mark Including Mark doing it. Mark, we're going to fix shortness Oh, don't worry, not your penis, just your height I don't need any trouble there I don't need, I don't want any trouble there I don't know why I said it like that We're in trouble with my penis Well, we gave you a dick lobotomy

A dick bottomy, you say Is that also still through the eye socket? Oh yeah Somehow, yes, yeah Better than a dick topy Lobottom, the top It's bad, don't laugh Wade, that was confusing

Thanks, man So we're fixing short Who's first this time? I think Bob's first this time Here, come on, fix me Dr. Shiny Nag here again Like I said, where there's knees or there's nugs, you can find me there. I'm here to talk to you today about knees. Are you too short?

I know why that is. Not enough knees. I'm here to introduce you to my new product. Knee-e-e-e-ees. It's where we put a knee inside your knee to make it taller. You don't need a knee replacement. You need a knee engorging. And that's where my patent-pending biotic knee comes in.

surgically hacksaw your leg in half right in the middle of your knee joint and stick my new knee knee-e-e-e right in the middle. Not only will you be septuple jointed, you'll be two to four inches taller, which is enough our surveys have shown for almost anyone. If that's not enough for you, I don't know if this product is for you, but like I always say, I'm a doctor. I claim that all doctors make sure to make to you. I thought I would try and play Mark's game, but I'm just not as good at these kind of bits as Mark is.

What do you mean? You just go in your hairy, what was the guy's name? Hair B. Max B hair. You just like, you just jump into it and you have a character. I don't do characters. I do observational humor, really.

you know, I point things out. Neenog made a great combat. You know, the first time I even wrote down a point for Neenog, I spelled out Neke, K-N-E-E-E-E, so like it worked. Yeah, well, that's what, that's how it's spelled. I don't remember that game Nid-Hog. I do. No. Did you ever play a second one?

They made that a second one? I think there was Nid-Hog, too. I'm pretty sure. Oh, right. I don't think I ever played it. Right, with the upgrade graphics and the worm thing. Yeah, that's a fun game. Fixing my shortness.

Not you. Just short in general. No, he specifically did. Say me. That's true. Tall is a state of mind. Short is a state of body. Right?

Tall is up here in the nog, right? Short is down, down here in the body. Do you get what I'm saying? Do you get where I'm going with this? Let me spell it out longer for you. Tall? T-A-L-L T-A-L

T is Boom-V-Z-A-P-up Up-up-up-up Short Shuo-S-H-H-R-T-E Z-H-O-R-T-T You get the difference. Uh-huh, I'm with you. I'm on this ride.

So, So if you invert them, invert it, right? How's that go? L-L-A-T, L-L-A-T, L-H-S. D-R-O-H-S. Truth. I live nothing to give to you. I will give you nothing and you will have nothing.

And therefore, there is no problem. problem because there is no product. See? Classic capitalist move, not solving a problem we didn't have. Exactly. So is it drugs? I think it's drugs. No, it's lot troves.

Lot trolls. We should play that backwards word game. That was fun. That was fun. What was the backwards word? It wasn't you're? Or was Bob? Did you have that one?

I think it was my game. I think I hosted it. You had to say, I'll try and say a word backwards, and then we'd see if you could get it correctly forward. Oh, I think Bob hosted that out. Because I think,

yeah, I think you and I were competing on that one, Mark. That was a good one. It was just, people thought we were faking it. What do you mean? Wait,

how would we fake it? What do you mean? Fake it? What kind of show do they think this is? I don't know. They thought we were playing dumb or something, and I was like, guys.

I'm smart. It's the other person that's dumb. All right. We'll do one more around. Wait. Which product are you using, Wade? NeNe'Ne'E's or Latros? No, no.

I think I've got to go with knee-EEEEs because I still don't know what the fuck the other one. It's just really good drugs. I'm pretty sure. It's not meant for you if you can't comprehend it. The commercials are just a series of colors and shapes and geometric nightmares from my deepest Sturgus secrets. But if you don't understand it, you don't know what. It's really not your fault, Mark.

It's really unwaidding. Yeah. All I know is if we invert it and say it backward, there's no problem. Yeah. You do get it. You're just being obstinate. Do you just not want to win? I love how Bob before this was like, Mark, you're so good at coming up with a character.

You're off the company. I'm just like, you know. It's my strategy. It's my mind game. I give you compliments over the course of the game. And you're like, what? And then it, you falter. Right, critical moments.

He puts you in a pressure cooker. He does, he does. Good news then, Mark. You get to go first. So after you get to immediately fix this. So this isn't so much like a personal body thing, but it's something that drives me crazy. Even here in Cincinnati, I have to sneeze one second.

That's not the problem. You have to sneeze in Cincinnati? I'm Harry sneeze. I'm sorry. Bill Switzer for Kleenex. I saw it your nose in half. Even here in Cincinnati, I'm noticing traffic is getting atrocious. I was like, oh, you know what I love about Cincinnati? It's nothing like L.A. or New York or Chicago and all their crappy traffic. It's getting there. Is there driving school anymore? Because nope, people, there's an ambulance full siren and someone's like,

oh, they're trying to cut me off. I better make sure they don't get around me. It's like, what is happening? Let the ambulance go, you fucking crazy person. They're idiots. There's so many idiots. And I don't think they know what a license is. I don't know if they know what a car is. I don't know if they know they have breaks sometimes. It's getting bad. We got to fix the traffic and bad driver problem. So real quickly, just something that's not been solved in centuries in the world. I need you to solve right now. Have I got a product for you? Hi, I'm Chuck M. Trudier. Here are the inventor of the Carapultz. You don't even need to worry about traffic because it's an attachable attachment

to your car that is in the shape and form of a giant spoon. That is a fucking what's word a catapult? It winds? No, no, the...

Tension? Yes, it's tension bound to the lever arm that will shock anything. Mostly, it's intended for cars, but you know, that's the only thing I have a patent pending for, but technically speaking, under the, under the radar, under the, under the, I can't I think of any common expressions under, under the table.

Are you human? Under the table. I'm Chuck M. Trudier. I am very human. And this product is also very human. It will allow you to throw everything and anything wherever you want it to go so long as where you want it to go is in the direction you have, pointed at so you can either get rid of those pesky traffickers or you can launch them where they need to be to assist in civil society and progressing the common man which i am one of those it was us

very human i'm concerned about that part but otherwise i mean chucking some people in traffic with a catapult to help them of course that sounds fantastic or punishment i would never say that part out loud but very under the table. Or over it. Normal human laughter. Bob, how do you solve my traffic problem? I'm barely legal, and I'm here with a solution to all of your traffic problems. You might want to rethink the name, but I...

No, no, no, I love it. It's a legal solution, barely, to all of your problems. Look, there's already a solution for this. This is used to by the military. and in certain specific settings, but this used so sparingly, it's just a waste. We've all heard of the L-RAD,

or long-range acoustic device. It's a big speaker that can basically make such a terrible sound that it physically suppresses human beings or anything else with ears. If you mount one of my barely legal L-RADs on the front of your car, everyone will always be out of your way.

They basically couldn't stand to not get out of your way. It will solve all of your driving problems and basically only your driving problems for the rest of your life. And as far as we know, this is legal probably, depending on what state you live in and exactly how loud the sound is that you have your LRAD produce. It's probably safe for you, and it's probably legal, we think, and it's very, very affordable-ish, depending on how much you value your time and driving experience. Okay, uh, barely legal. I mean, I go by B. B. Lee, but my legal name is Bear L. Lee, Lee, Goll. I B. Leave you with the L. Rad or Chuck M. Trudier with the catapult. I think I got to go with the catapult on this one. I like the idea of the sound, but it's less applicable. Like, everyone has the sound that either no one's on the road. Like, what if more than one person buys your product? Well, then you only really need the one who's in front to be doing it, but you could team up with other LRAD users. Own the Elrad gang? Yeah, but have a big train, really.

Like a land train. It's like a train, but it goes on land. Unlike regular trains. That's a weird concept, but just imagine a land train. Wait, next episode of this, you just got to give us products, and we'll give you the name of the inventor. We'll just kill you the names of the guys who've built that. Done, so hold on.

Let me make a note to myself. I do think that we've done an episode like this one before. Like, we did inventions way back in the day. I just don't know if we've done them for these specific scenarios. This might be a part two or part three of inventions, but at least it was, I don't think we've done these things. I hope you didn't pull up the same list of prompts. It would be really funny if we did.

I mean, I guess it's possible. I wrote all these today, but I do have the same brain probably, but slightly older and dumber. I've noticed that as a fascinating phenomenon is like completely remembering something word for word that you thought was completely original. And you just rewrote history. But that didn't happen this time. That's what happens whenever our entire lives are online for a decade and a half.

Let me go through points here. Mark, you got... Oh, God, I got to try to read my hand right. I hate this point. This point. This point. I hate this point. You got sick boy, new Mike.

Toriyama's dead. Coffee. Whoops. Hey, kids. Tooth spy. Max B. Hair. Good spelling.

What a prey a game? He get a boy for that. Yeah, I'm not complaining. Wax strip hair, Chuck M. Trudeier, Llat, Trose. Oh, short tall backwards. Lat Tros. And Catapult. You are sitting at 13.

Wasn't it technically carterpult? It might have been cartipult. But my handwriting is atrocious and I tried. Bob, you got points for James Hates Life. Sure. You made fun of my mail check versus apps thing or else you gave me good advice. You did something with that. You're a crime expert?

I don't know what that had to do. but you're a crime expert apparently. Then I gave you points for laughing. Gun Gary upgrades. Shiny Nog. La Baldemy. Like I say I'm a doctor. Like I always say, I'm a doctor.

Neenie E's. B. Lee legal. Elrad. And twice I picked your invention, which I just wrote as I choose you times two. For a total of 14. So right now it's 14 to 13. Oh, right. Close one, which is unfortunate.

Can I just, hang on, I'm going to take three points away from Mark and giving to Bob so the wheels doesn't matter. Can I do that? That's the host, I'm going to say you can't. All right, I won't. Wait, wait, wait. I heard that coin clicking. Don't worry.

I'm not messing with the points. Unless. Oh, okay, hook, okay. Are we good? We're good. We're good. Can we go? Can I do that?

He grabbed his coin? I was holding my coin. Oh. Mark gets six points for not grabbing his coin Okay, well I want to stand by us It's 14 to 13 I'm not messing with it And then I do my thing

Do we have to retroactively add things to the wheel From when you were in Florida or do we We actually come up with stuff to add to the wheel So strictly I added at one point to free parking And I modified the winner's wheel to be It's 18% right now for the one man show Oh we might have said something like the next thing We have to add something that actually gets

points from free parking. Oh yeah, we could do that. Let me do this real quick. How many spins we do in? I would put my money on three. Oh, I lost my money. Oh, no. Who?

Two it is. All right, and then I guess the thing we'll add is gets points from free parking. Yeah, unless we've forgotten that we did do that, but I'm not going to read through all the list. There's way too many. And make sure you add a point to the free parking space. I did, I did.

There's one in it right now. It said zero and I changed it to one. You know, at least now that if you get the point for free parking, you get at least one point. Now it's worth something. Yay. All right. So we're doing two spins. Here we go, baby.

Wearing least clothes. Okay, I got shirt, pants, undies, two socks. Well, a sock on each foot. I guess if I'm being super honest, I have both socks, underwear, shorts, but I have shirt and undershirt on. I mean, and I have a watch. I don't know if that's really closed, but... I think undershirt is extra layer, right? Yeah.

Same except for an undershirt for Bob. Yeah, so Mark gets that one, I guess. I could have just lied. That's what I'm talking about. You guys don't know if I'm undershirt on, but it's whatever. But yeah, if you look at the wheel, you see this black, this sliver. It started to be so full of shit that it's going off center from the, from the, like, graphics. And so there's like a weird off-centeredness to the wheel now.

I think when it spins, the black wedge goes, moves around the outside. We need to take our wheel to a mechanic. Spin number two. Tits! Bob gets that one. I don't know if I said words. I mean, I said tits. I don't know what it has to be, but...

That's a fast response. That's a good response. I think I went... You did make a growling noise and still after Bob. Wait, wait, wait. I'm going to call because... Okay, I'm a call unfair. And this for a specific reason, Bob being the one spinning it, and he said, he revealed it's a local program.

I am at a disadvantage for that because I am on the other side of the country. It's pretty true, actually. Yeah. So, hold on. Let's determine the outcome here. Either it's doubly fair and Bob is right and gets an extra point or it's unfair, which means what? Mark gets the point this time or re-spin? I think it'd just be a re-spin. Okay, so it's a re-spin, nothing happens, or Bob gets two points from this? Well, what if we respin and its fastest response again? Does that... I think we just...

That won't happen. That won't happen. Yeah, it won't happen. All heads, Mark wins, all tails, me wins, and otherwise, nothing happens. Yes. All right. Hmm. Ooh.

Oh, I got heads. Oh, tails. I got, which one is mine? I got lady. Oh, heads. Oh, I don't matter. Okay, well. Shit.

All right, I tried. All right, well, despite that attempt, the final score is Bob with 15, Mark with 14. Damn. You did win something, though, Mark. You won going first with your loser speech. Oh, well, you know, there's that. I had a feeling I'd lose.

I'm not saying I can predict the future. I'm only saying I can't affect the future. None of our actions have any weighing. on the future, you can't change it unless that change is simply standing by and watching it all burn. Well said. Mm-hmm.

Bob, save us with the winner's speech. I got to say I'm a little surprised. I felt like Mark had some pretty funny bits today, and I felt like based on your reactions during the episode, it seemed like you were writing down a lot of stuff for him and not so much for me, but the points are numbers, and numbers can't lie because numbers are science.

and science can't lie. That's just science. It's got to be fair. We even flipped coins, and the coin said it's fair to. So as much as I didn't feel like confident, uh, I earned this and I am the best,

at least for today. But that's okay, because what are you will be the best next time? Unless you're not. Well said. And I'm going to give a quick unprecedented host or speech. Look,

we might have done this topic before. We might have had a similar episode before. We might even talk about some of these inventions before, but it's been disassembled, taken apart, and put back together. Is it even the same topic anymore? Or is this the invention of Theseus? That's for you all to decide. We've done sequels before of episode, and is.

Hey, this was my turn to talk. Don't come at me with logic and facts. All right, you're right. If you haven't already go follow these boys, market, market player, Bob at my skirm. I'm Wade Minion 777 or Lord Million 777. Watch the episodes because there's video or listen if you want to keep listening. That's fine. Merch sometimes, maybe more soon, maybe still some at distractible.

Dot Shop. I always pause there in case I'm wrong about that link. You got it. Check it out. Check us out. Watch more of this. Listen to more of this. Also, I love the drawings.

I know this drawing episode was a little while back. I loved seeing people draw along with the drawl episode. That was really funny. And most of them were better than us. Anyway, that's it. Podcast out. Watch new episodes on Spotify.