Distractible - Lies From Parents

Episode Date: October 4, 2021

Coffee stunting your growth, gum staying in your stomach forever, fairy tales spawning from the truth, the guys discuss the lies their parents told them and how they're still influenced by it as adults. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable, a Wood Elf production with your hosts, Bilius Bob, Maverick Mark, and Wistful Wade. This week, the three-fold personable pals ponder perfidious paters and misrepresenting maters as they attempt to deflect the scrutiny of their striplings. Yes, it's time for Lies from Parents. Please prepare thy polygraphs and enjoy the show. Welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production. I am your host, Mark Edward Fischbach, the Glorious... Oh no, oh no!

Has it been that long since you've won where you've forgotten how this works? It's okay, we don't say Wood Elf production anymore, you fucking idiot. We can. We can. You were the one who was like, oh, it's in the intro. No, no, I said it wasn't. You can't say brought to you by Wood Elf because that makes it seem like we're sponsored by Wood Elf.

Sure. It's different. Wade, I feel your pain. Thank you. I also feel my pain. I am the host, which means that I am the judge for this episode. I won last time. I won.

I was the winner, which means I get to judge these two boys. Lovely stories. Whatever they bring to the table, we will discuss and we will talk about based on the topic that I choose. I'm joined by the illustrious Bob Miskins. That's me. This is my voice. Yes. I'm also joined.

I'm good. Do you want to expand on that? Yes, I was doing, but then you didn't give me a chance to answer. I was just keeping it short. There's been no foreplay in this episode. We're going straight to the finish. It's not to the same extent.

No, carry on. Go ahead. I'm good. No, carry on. Go ahead. I'm good. All right, cool. I'm also joined by the magnanimous Wade Barnes. Hey, I'm also here. You don't know what that word means. Is that with a G?

Is that I-O-U-M? Generous or forgiving, especially toward a rival or less powerful person. I wasn't challenging you, Wade. I don't think Mark knew what the word meant. Oh. Well, now he knows I'm generous or forgiving toward my rivals or less powerful people. Like our listeners. Yeah, people. Like our listeners. Yeah, yeah.

Like our listeners. Yeah. All of you less powerful people out there. Okay. All right. Let's tone it down there. You're level one wizards, whereas I'm a level 10. You're supposed to be generous or forgiving, not condescending, you prick.

Oh, I'm deducting a point from Wade. Have my voice and I forgive you, you little listeners. All right, negative one for Wade. You tiny little subhuman listeners. We grace you with our presence. You are allowed to hear us speak, but nay shall you see our faces. And they won't even know it's me condescending them because I'm hiding behind my magnanimity good word good word good word thank you what an amazing combination of meanings so today i have a topic conversation that i think everyone at home can identify with

and uh can understand genital warts and the topic of today what nothing go ahead you want to say that again uh general worries i believe he said genital warts i believe he said genital warts you guys are just hearing what you want to hear nah you right yeah you right but the topic of conversation for today is lies our parents told us and i'll kick it off with something that I think is pretty universal. And I don't understand why. It's this kind of misconception of how it was. Is a lie that our parents told us or was there something else? Did your parents ever tell you that you can't drink coffee because it will stunt your growth?

I've heard that about different things. I don't know if it was coffee specifically, but will stunt your growth is definitely one. Yeah, I don't remember it But it puts such a fear in me as a child because I think I think for it was true Is it true well for you it was? Well what's done in your growth All right, I'm deducting a point from both of you like wade negative one for bob okay all right you're both not really doing very well today you're off to a bad start it's so long since i've made a marcus short joke it's unbelievable

but no like they said coffee would stunt your growth which put a fear in me and i never touched coffee for a long time i didn't start drinking coffee until i got in college when i was pretty sure i wasn't gonna get any taller than this so i'm like yeah i might as well you believed that and through college it's not so much that i believed it through college it just like put this subconscious like identity to coffee is like oh i can't have that it wasn't even so much i disconnected it from the thought of being like oh there's a fear in me of like it'll stunt my growth it's just like oh I can't have that so for so long in my head I could not have coffee because like oh it's bad for me if I have coffee I got so distant from the lie that was told when I was a child that at the point when I was an adult I didn't even realize fully why I didn't want to

try coffee why I was afraid of it and it's because of that fear that my dad specifically put in me about coffee and it's all due to a lie that he told me a long time ago and it's a lie and this is what parents do a lot they lie to their kids about something being bad for them because they want to put a fear in them not for the reasons that are real about it like i don't know why like caffeine for kids it'd probably just be hyperactivity but just really annoying yeah exactly kids are the worst i don't need caffeine yeah yeah no they get enough well that's the funny thing he like didn't let me have caffeine but he would give me like five bucks to go to the ameri stop across the street so that i could get a yard pixie stick like i bought pixie sticks

by the yards that's just nothing but sugar in a tube and that is probably something that actually could stunt your growth as a child is just eating nothing but pure sugar is terrible for you as a kid like why didn't he put that fear in me? You know, but these are lies that parents say, right? Something I've realized as I've started to get older is adults don't have any idea what the hell is going on. As a kid, especially with your parents, you get it in your head like, oh, I don't know. I'm just a kid. I want to, you know, I want to do this. Well, my parents say I shouldn't.

And they know stuff. So I like they're my unless you're like a really rebellious kid at least on some issues you're like oh well my parents said it's not a coffee stinger growth and i don't know and there wasn't like the internet right so i'm wondering if kids now like you say something like no don't uh don't make that face your face will grow weird it'll get stuck yeah exactly and the kid gets out their iphone 13 pro max and they're like no google says that's fine if you make fans like fucking god don't google shit on your phone or you'll become an asshole google that see if that's true but like you know but the truth is not to spoil this for any of you younger listeners out there adults basically don't know anything either

like oh god no i can't escape the constant feeling of something happens like if something happens in the house or like something comes up and it's like oh i gotta do that there's no escaping that feeling of like oh how how the fuck do i do that yeah what the hell and that's parents are basically doing that and you know it's lies but it's literally a parent can't be like don't drink coffee because it's like what why and the parent can't be like i don't because you have too much energy you don't need more yeah i said don't so don't you have to give some reason because kids are always going to ask why because i said so there isn't a reason you don't fucking know yeah exactly you have no idea yeah no that's a good point bob and i'll give you a point for that that was a well put together and it's kind of that thing the priorities of a child

are very different from a priority of an adult and and even so like if you really boil down the priorities of adults they kind of like reduce down to very simple thing like i want to fuck i want to eat like i want to feel like i have a place in society and a purpose in life you know it's really simple things that you boil it down to but yeah do you guys have any examples of lies that your parents told you oh three words i love you just kidding i had an example come up somewhat recently where I was actually streaming this is like six months to a year ago I was streaming I was reacting to something and I was like exaggerating my facial

movements and I like lowered my chin like down toward my neck and like pushed my chest and neck out a little bit and I was making this stupid face and then all of a sudden i got a charlie horse feeling like in my throat and neck and chin like all at once and i could not move for a second because the pain was so severe and i was like oh my god if i make this stupid face i'll get stuck that way they were right and for like 20 seconds on like just on camera i'm sitting there with like my chin stuck in my neck like looking like frantically like oh god. They've witnessed it They've all witnessed it. I'm now stuck like this. That's hilarious. Yeah point for that and also Could give you a pity point for the I love you

Is it sad that when you mentioned this topic that was the first thing i thought yeah that is sad that's very sad we used to chew gum a lot too and there was like i don't know i think this is probably counts like the whole i don't know can you digest gum because i remember like the whole like if you swallow that gum it'll be in your body forever or whatever it was it was like you i was so afraid to swallow gum that i always spat it out earlier than i wanted to because i was afraid i would just swallow it it's funny that you mentioned that because i just thought about this recently point for making me remember something but uh i just thought about this recently because i was in the car and i didn't have something to spit out my gum into i was about to swallow the gum but there's this inherent thing in my brain where my dad told me to don't swallow gum or else it'll be in your stomach forever and it

made me think about it and i looked it up and there actually is a problem if small children swallow a lot of gum they can get intestinal blockages and because i've had an intestinal blockage it's not so much for adults because like your intestines are literally bigger but it's when you're a kid your intestines are kind of small So like a small amount of gum or a relatively smaller amount of gum can cause an intestinal blockage. And I bet if you did eat a lot of gum as an adult and swallowed a lot of it, like a couple packs worth, you would get an intestinal blockage. But that is a thing that can happen to a kid. And back in the day, you know, it's like, it's harder to, well, I guess they didn't have gum back in the day. I'm making rampant conclusions about nothing. I don't know how back in the day you're going, but they've had gum for pretty far back.

Like in the last century, there's been gum the whole time. Yeah, so I'm sure there are cases where a kid swallows a lot of gum that their parents don't know about. So suddenly they just come down with this horrible pain in their gut. And they're like, I don't know what to do. And their guts just explode. Better bleed them and put leeches on their eyes. Yeah, well. Not that far back. I don't, well. Not that far back.

I don't think they had gum that far back. Wasn't that just like 100 years ago? I mean, like 200 years ago, there's that president I was just listening to. I think it was the last podcast talking about whatever president it was that he got shot. But he survived. He got shot in the back. And for like a month, their doctor was like, we got to find the bullet. And this is literally like four or five years after germ theory got proposed as like, hey, there might be bacteria.

But these doctors were like old school doctors. So they didn't believe in this new age idea of bacteria or germs. So they thought it was just the bullet that was causing the president to decline in health. just the bullet that was causing the president to decline in health so for two months this doctor was fishing around in the president's bullet wound with his grubby dirty hands being like we gotta find this bullet it's killing this guy and like just the amount of pus that they had to clear out from his wound they were like this bullet it's's really busting this guy up so guys like eating chicken like licking his fingers dipping them back in i mean legitimately that was the case so um yeah no but that was 200 years ago i don't know if they had chewing gum at that time

not sure when was chewing gum invented why are you looking at isn't hair a similar thing though like people like like chew on their hair swallow hair can't hair cause the same kind of blockage as gum i remember my cousin used to chew on her hair and uh she would like eat parts of her hair and they said the same thing it was like if you swallow your hair oh boy i mean i don't think that's as prevalent of an issue but you know if you look at your shower drain i'm sure that you know your intestines aren't too much different than like pipes yeah I've never digested my shower drain. No, no, not the conclusion. This sounds just delicious, guys.

Yeah? In the late 1840s, John Curtis developed the first commercial chewing gum by boiling spruce tree resin down into a thick, chewy, disgusting tree goop and then cutting it into strips and coating it in cornstarch yeah i mean that's no isn't that just how gum is made no well i don't know i'm not gonna say that i'm an expert on gum but i don't think that's spruce tree resin anymore i think it's probably something else yeah it's probably like a nice maple wait wait no what is a point for your research but uh hang on what is gum made out of

isn't it isn't it still like chewing gum is composed of gum base what is gum base yeah what is gum base i think gum base is from like tree sap oh god oh whoa whoa conspiracy the actual composition of gum base is a trade secret. The FDA allows 46 different chemicals under the umbrella of gum base. What? I don't like this. Whoa. The synthetic ingredients allowed in gum base are butadiene styrene rubber,

isobutylene isoprene copolymer, which is butyl rubber, Isobutylene isoprene copolymer, which is butyl rubber. What? Paraffin wax. Uh-huh. Petroleum wax. Uh-huh. Synthetic petroleum wax.

Whoa. Polyethylene, polyisobutylene, and polyvinyl acetate, which is another type of plastic. Is petroleum wax like a gasoline candle? What's that stuff? Vaseline. Vaseline jelly. Yeah, Vaseline. Yeah. That's what goes on your butt when it's sore sore.

What? Nothing. Go ahead. You guys talk. When? When does your butt get sore? And how do you put that on there? That was very tiny.

It's not a recent thing. I promise. Yeah, yeah. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Just last week, mommy helped me with my sore sore and get me some Vaseline. Okay, man. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that either.

I don't either. Anyway, Bob, point for tangents. Wow, yeah. Getting back to the topic at hand though, outside of chewing gum, were there other lies that your parents, or you were told as a child? Because I remember a tangentially similar one

where if you drank Mountain Dew, it would kill your sperm count, which is something I was told as a teenager. And I think that just spread through high school, but I think that's an equivalent thing. And I don't know why I was so worried about my sperm count as a teenager, but it really freaked me out in the same way. Same with Surge. Like I think Surge, like you would get a heart attack if you drank Surge, which might be true because there was a lot of caffeine in Surge. I had a combination one one it was the mountain dew sperm count and then if you don't use a condom you'll get her pregnant but listen if you do both of those things you're fine

just chug a mountain dew and then go on a sex spree i'm kidding don't do it are you how many times did you go on a Mountain Dew-infused sex rage? Zero times. No, no, no. All right, well, you go on those. I'll give you a point for every Mountain Dew-infused sex rage that you go on. Oh, I went on a lot. Let me count them up.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going on one right now. Hang on. My, I got Mountain Dew! Oh, God. It's party night! Yeah, anyway. I'll give you a point for the perspective

of Mountain Dew infused sex rage that you're about to go on. And then one for every subsequent one. But anyway, lies, lies. Get back to the lies. I'm trying i'm trying to think and i i'm not sure if i just didn't listen to my parents i got i know one that we all have missed like some big ones or if my parents are just really direct i don't know i mean i'm a pretty direct person when i speak i speak pretty plainly and i feel like i got that

from my parents yeah i feel like a lot of our interactions which i will say i don't know exactly when it was i think it was sometime in high school when my parents realized they should stop putting so much effort in with me and just let it happen because i really just contravened all their efforts at every opportunity yeah but like we would have interactions where they're like you don't need caffeine don't have caffeine right now and i'd be like what why i just i want a mountain dew i got too many sperm and they wouldn't like come up with anything they would just be like no you can't i said you can't so you can't and that would just be the end of it oh wow i'm not sure there were no

like big lies i'm remembering like you're talking about where it's like the coffee thing or but like i know i'm aware of those but they're all from like the zeitgeist or something like there's something i became aware of because i heard of them and they may have impacted me but not directly from my parents which is weird i guess what about like santa claus existing and the easter bunny and all that stuff that did your parents like those are those are lies oh yeah that all qualifies as lies yeah good point you get a point for a good point wait whoa bob you okay, you okay? Bob, you okay? Oh, no. What do you mean? What have I done? What do you mean? Santa Claus doesn't live at the North Pole? Is that the lie?

Well, there might be someone up there named that, but it's not the one that delivers presents in your chimney. Well, who's the one who delivers presents? Because that's the guy, like... I think it might be your parents. This is a related side tangent, but I remember when I first became skeptical of santa existing and i was like i know my mom is doing this i know she's the one putting presents under the trees

and i'm gonna prove it and i made my mom like my brother and i conspired to make my mom stay like in our room with us so she like slept in our room and we were we went out there we're like there's no presence of the trees and my mom came in slept in our room and uh at this point my mom and dad like split up and everything so like there was no other adult in the house and so we laid there like tried to stay awake as late as we could and then like we thought we heard something and we got really quiet and listened and we're like okay let's go check and we ran out and there all of a sudden were presents and stuff everywhere all under well everyone they were all under the tree like and stuff like they were supposed to be and we're like oh my god santa he was really here it turns out my mom had just told my older brother and sister who already knew to go ahead

and do it for her so that we could keep the dream alive but uh we totally bought it like for a couple years we were like you know what nope santa's real we proved it we thought for sure we'd proved it i feel like such a douchebag right now having like an internal debate about whether i just think i'm smarter than i actually am or whether i was this kid that i'm imagining in my head i feel like i never believed in santa and i feel like my brother didn't either yeah we never had that moment of like wait what yeah i'm like sean and i my brother sean younger brother we used to like stay up late you know do the traditional thing. We both just knew like, and there was, there was one year when like I was

in high school and Sean was like almost in middle school. I think we're getting older. And like before Christmas, at some point, my dad was like, we're not, we're not doing Santa this year. And both Sean and I were like, ah, that's fair. It's been going on a long time like no one ever said anything my parents never explained it sean and i never had like a discussion about it we just we would just stay up christmas and christmas morning you do that thing we're like oh santa santa got me an n64 oh that guy and we like look at each other that's such a weird construct and it makes me feel like such a douchebag right makes me feel like such a douchebag right because like i'm not i wasn't like that smart i don't know why i was just always

skeptical or i i don't know i maybe i was given away when i was really young and i don't remember but like oh it's a weird thing in our house because everyone in the house knew that no one in the house believed for a second that that was actually happening but my parents would do the whole rigmarole and sean and i would always be like oh santa came and he ate the cookies they drank like half the glass of unbelievable let's open these presents i i'm gonna give you a point for that because i feel like i was the same way with me and my brother but in a weirdly tangential way where we thought our parents believed in santa so we believed in Santa for their sake. Wait, where do you think the presents came from?

A 10-year-old Mark is opening the Santa present like, oh, nice, Dad, nice, you remember. And your dad is like, what did Santa get you? And you're very condescending like, Dad, how did he even know that I wanted this? I had talked to you about this, but I didn't even write him this year. Wow, dad, he's magical. And in your head, you're just like, what the fuck is wrong with these parents, man?

God damn. Yeah, no. Oh, God. And, you know, that reminds me of things. My dad would, I don't know why, but the things that my dad said to me that were true, I did not believe. Like, my dad said, don don't know why, but the things that my dad said to me that were true, I did not believe. Like, my dad said, don't stare at the sun. It'll make you go blind.

And I said to myself, bullshit. Like, there's no way. So I stared at the sun a lot as a kid. I'm pretty sure it's caused damage up until this point. It was one of those things where it's like, you know, he tells me a very legitimate thing that's definitely true like like don't say you'll go blind but if he tells me don't drink coffee it'll start your growth that puts a fear in me but no i was out in the backyard for minutes on end just looking up at that sun just being like i'm gonna see how long it's literally a brian regan joke yeah what's what's your record for the sun stare the sun stare one two three four 30 seconds plus i would stare at it

god way too long like kids adults any humans humans listening to this do not stare at the sun it is so horrible for your eyes go for it unless you like to find things out for yourself. In which case, be careful. Spot, you stupid little dog. You go ahead and go out there and stare all you want. He said humans only. I feel like Chica does stare at the sun because she really does like lights. She likes lights on the walls. So what's the biggest light in the biggest wall is the sun in the sky.

And I feel like she just stares at the sun. No, she's outside sometimes and she's just like squinting upwards and I'm like what are you doing she looks over me like oh nothing you know with sun dad I'm so glad you came back yeah weird little I guess maybe like a meta question but with the Santaanta claus talk and stuff how many people that are not supposed to be listed this because they're too young just had santa spoiled by us thousands oh grow up god grow up come on wait do we need to put a disclaimer on this or something it's like a seizure warning it's called lies parents tell their kids so i feel like

most parents with their kids may not want to listen to it together you know that we've all had that experience at a convention or whatever where some adult we're doing in a meet and greet or something and some adult walks up and you're like oh hey how's it going like thanks for nice to meet you and then from behind the adult walks out like a little four-year-old and the adult is like yeah i don't know who you are my daughter watches you and you're like ah yeah ah don't don't why don't you check don't you know what we do so you know there's some kids out there who just absolutely had their entire lives ruined mark thanks to you yeah yeah pretty much i found out from my cousin that i i guess is it your second cousin like what's your cousin's kids to

you i don't know whatever whatever that relates to second cousin or nieces grand great niece nephew nozzles and cousins i think no that that's a cousin twice removed i think oh okay because the removed is generational my ex cousin uh i don't know whatever they are little little things apparently they came across some of our content and uh they were like yeah they i saw you on the internet and you were with some people i was like you haven't listened to the podcast though right they're like no i was like don't not with them you can do it by yourself but don't look a little once listen please but uh it's always terrifying when someone like under the age of 30 listens to our stuff 30 40 is that too young

30 too young under 30 under 40 wait how wait what our content is not meant for normal mortal ears wait i have a serious question for you yeah at what age does a person become an adult in your mind oh 55 well i guess that explains a lot i don't know you get a solid 10 years before retirement and uh you get discount on your breakfast when you become an adult are you an adult right now no okay well that answers a lot of things that's why i had to help with the vaseline on my bum bum yeah man every time you mention vaseline on your bum bum from here on out, I'm going to deduct a point because I just don't want to hear it anymore. Good. I'm not going to do it now, but in the future, just so you know, you're on thin ice.

Great. So was my bum bum, but now it's been a lot better. That's a point. That's a point. That's a point. That's a point. God, that's a point. God.

I know how to earn another point. I thought of more mark i got more lies okay good it is lies and sex rampages that's what i've got lies please okay good i could go on a sex rampage how many points is for me dude it's a point for every sex rampage you go into a double date rampage yeah man that sounds like i'm here for but it's like a double couple sex rampage i believe they just call that an orgy man what if that was the way that you posed it though yeah you're going out on like a tinder date or something you've met someone and you get, you get to the coffee shop and you're sort of chatting for a minute. And then you sort of have that pause where it's like, Hey,

things are going well. Maybe I'll, maybe I'm going to ask them out on a real, like a big full date, big boy date. And you just look up and you're like, would you maybe want to go on a sex rampage with me? It's okay.

My friend and his wife will be there too. Also, I hate that I had to look up this question, but I had to look up what the minimum number of people in an orgy is that's the answer four i think it's four because you have the three no no no no you have a threesome and then there's a foursome but an orgy is five or more oh according to this person on quora do they have to interact with each other to be an orgy? Or can you have like three couples in a room just like separated,

but it still counts as an orgy because they're in the same room? Does it have to be sex to be an orgy? Yeah. I don't, I would assume something sexual. Does oral count as an orgy? An orgy? I think anything.

Okay. Sexual counts as orgy. Because I may have been in an orgy once then. Interesting. Did your parents tell you not to? Go on. No, no. I'm pretty sure if I had asked my dad what an orgy was and if I should participate if invited,

he would have been like, wear a condom, I guess. Be safe, buddy. Drink Mountain Dew and wear a condom, I guess. Dad safe, buddy. Drink Mountain Dew and wear a condom, I guess. Dad, I got invited to an orgy. What is that? And should I go? Don't eat carrots this week because I don't want you to see what you're doing. I'm going to need you to drink one of these right before you go and try and drink at least a couple.

When is it this weekend? Drink at least a couple this week, okay? Why, Dad? Keep your energy up, know no reason uh but no so the scene i'm remembering is in high school uh-huh i was in band my senior year and i was dating a girl and we were sort of like a group of guy friends and a group of girlfriends and we were all sort of dating each other you know that sort of happens in high school so we were all like just a big group of friends hanging out all the time it was after pep band my girlfriend had a huge full-size van like a like a gmc 3500 van like a bed in the

back and i don't know what precipitated this but three couples so six of us ended up all in this van we each had like our own row uh and we were all just like make it was all very high school you know pretty pretty innocent stuff basically like a group makeout session and there was no intercouple making out but does that count because if i could say i have been in an orgy that's a hell of a icebreaker well i don't think that that counts because if making out i i have been in an orgy as a hell of a icebreaker well i don't think that that counts because if making out i don't think qualifies but that's like sexual it's intimate intimacy is not what orgies are well no i can't say that i've never been in i've never been in the proximity what base do you have to be on to count as an orgy? Does first base not count? I mean, what about second base?

I feel like first base. Everyone's been in a makeout pile before. That does not an orgy make. Okay, how many makeout piles have you been in, Mark? I've never been in a makeout pile in my life. Oh, cool, cool. Well, I guess we all know who's the Fonz in this group. I'm assuming Wade's never been in a makeout pile.

Well, it's not a pile, but we had three or four couples making out in the same room. But it was like, you know, a good old 18 by 12 room. So there was lots of space between. Does that count? Look, I don't think that any of this can count because, okay, well, actually, maybe. Okay, so if two people are having sex, but there's like a ring of ten people as observers in this. Like, in the olden days when you had to consummate a marriage, but there had to be witnesses around the bed watching, you know what I mean? Like, what is, does that constitute as an orgy?

Excuse me? That's a lie my parents told. When you have sex the first time, we have to witness it. At my wedding, at the end of the reception, I was was like all right we're going back to the hotel consummated and all my creepy uncles were like yeah and my dad was like you know son uh historically it's actually not a legal marriage unless you have someone witness the consummation and my mom was like no dave don't do that but dad was like so can i watch like a sporting event they're like drinking be like he's in he's in i don't want to disrespect history so is that really a thing mark where did you get

that from where did you draw that from i don't know there's a scene in game of thrones where like it wasn't a game of thrones and they go to no no no it was the tutors no no it was more historically after it was like the tutors uh which is a show about like henry the 42nd or whatever it is and and the the one lady went down to be married to this old king or whatever and then they did the thing and there was like a whole ring of people i don't know look i'm not a historian i'm not a historical orgy historian i don't know what i'm talking about i'm just the judge i judge you guys's story this isn't about me i just imagine them holding hands like swaying

and like singing a song to them as they're like trying to get it on a gregorian chant of let's get it on starts in the background god that reminds me of my favorite scene from uh did you guys watch rome no. No, no. Like, it was an HBO show, Rome. It only had, like, two seasons. But in the second season, there was a scene where the second main guy had sex with Cleopatra. But there were three women in the background just going, Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh! The whole time. I am not exaggerating. They were singing this weird chant thing, but they were going, like, while the guys got Cleopatra up against a wall. And it's just like, I remember watching it,

and I'm like, what the fuck is happening? HBO just really wants to have sex in every scene, or this is actually what happened in ancient days. And I'm like, this is so fucking weird. Makes sense to me. But that's like burned into my brain, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. All right, well, anyway, we didn't answer if that counts or not. We all, or none of us, maybe had orgies.

No, Mark didn't. Mark didn't. I did not. Maybe Wade and I did, though. Yeah. Maybe. Big maybe. Yeah.

I think either five or six seems to be the internets. Wait, four is two swinging couples. Five is two swinging couples and a looky-loo. Six is an orgy. Well, next time we all get together, we can rectify this and make sure that we've had an orgy if you guys want. Not putting any Vaseline on your bum-bum. Does he lose a point because he brought it up that time?

All right, Bob, I hate to do this, but you mentioned Vaseline on a bum-bum. I got to deduct a point. I know. Well, I'm not going to let Wade lose all the points for once hey my man all right bringing it back to lies our parents told us which is the topic of conversation today i brought up another one indirectly on accident and that was the whole like carrots eating carrots will like make you supervision or something to fix your vision oh right that's a thing that's a good one yeah not in like a comedic tv show way but in like a totally serious i believe it was in world war one or world war two

british pilots ate just like as many carrots as they could get in there and it actually did help with their vision made them better pilots that's a real thing it's not a fact it's a real thing well they're good for your eyes that's the thing about all these things yeah that most lies are based in some kind of truth. Same with fairy tales. Like a lot of the fairy tales are actually like lies parents told children about monsters in the woods because it's not so much that there's a monster in the wood, but there are wolves and there are bears in the woods and you don't really want to go there because it's dangerous. So a lot of lies are based in a need of safety for your child to put the fear in perspective. Because you can say like, oh, there's a wolf in the woods.

It doesn't really mean a lot. But if you say there's a werewolf, which is a man-sized wolf that'll gobble you up in a single bite, like that puts the perspective for a child like all together. It helps connect the dots, I think anyway. I get that. What about swimming after eating? Because I still don't usually swim right after I eat. Is that a lie or is that-

I mean, I know obviously you're gonna choke on it or something like that, but is that real? That's a good point and a point for that, but because I literally ate and I- I have a pool, and I was like, I'm gonna go swimming, but I ate, and I'm like, oh god, will I die? Like, I literally was hesitant to go in the pool after I ate because I was like, I- I think I might die if I go in the pool. And then I was like, yeah, fuck it, and I went in the pool and i was fine but no yeah to this day i still don't swim right after i eat i wasn't told i would like drown i was told like i'd get cramps or something like so some quick googling has revealed to me and i'm sure this is 100 accurate swimming right

after you've eaten isn't really dangerous the concern was that digestion diverts some of your blood flow from your extremities to your stomach and digestive tract and that swimming and being active would somehow inhibit your digestion by by making you active and could cause like muscle cramps you could be weakened because your body's not doing the digestion and not doing the muscles. So it could cause you to like not swim good and potentially drown or be in danger. But like that's very non-threatening to me. Point for the research. But so by that logic, if you get a boner while you're in the pool, you will sink.

You're dead. You're fucking dead. Or you could have a porgy. A plurgy? Yeah, a pool orgy. You're fucking dead. Or you could have a porgie. A plorgie? Yeah, a poolorgie. What? Porgie. I feel like you're really dropping the L, completely ruining the word pool for no reason.

Oh, a poulgie. But then I'm losing the R in orgy. A porgie. Those are two very short words. Why can't it be poulorgie or plorgie? An orjule. I feel like porgie is a poor man's orgy and I feel like anyone can have an orgy. Poor man's orgy.

Orgies don't discriminate, man. Everybody's got ground. We had a solid foursome in place, but I really wanted an orgy, so I drew a face on a bucket and put it on a broom handle, and we tossed that in there. Oh, my God.

Is it an orgy if it's for, like, sex dolls or something, like, for non-living things? No, that's just sad. An arti- an artiforgy! An artiforgy? Yeah, an artificial orgy, an artiforgy. That's- I believe the posh term is A.O. I feel like artiforgy is like someone would get really offended if they walked by a window and looked in there

They see five bodies, but like oh an orgy wait a minute and they double take it's an art of forgy those are sex dolls what's his name who wrote art of war it'd be like that but it'd be an art of orgy art of orgy sun sue's art of forgy his other lesser known in his day it was just wooden dolls with uh holes filled with oiled canvas god i'm gonna look up something i might regret i'm looking up earliest sex doll oh no earliest dildo the oh oh oh boy the earliest sex doll was credited to dutch sailors in the 17th century who used a doll made of cloth to relieve sexual tension during long sea voyages oh they are they shared oh the first raggedy ann doll oh man i mean that just makes it seem like it's a body pillow right because that's not too far off

i guess yeah but that's not that's a crunchy, salty canvas filled with beans situation. Yeah, it's at sea, Wade. Why do you think it's crunchy? Oh, I was thinking like the sloppy seconds and thirds. It was crunchy after the first use. No, well, you dip her in the sea to clean her off. That's not much better. Just make sure there's no razor clams clinging on anywhere before you start.

Oh! Just make sure there's no razor clams clinging on anywhere before you start. I can't deduct points from both of you, but I deduct points from myself for looking this up in the first place. But there's even more history to it because later the Dutch sold some of these dolls to Japanese people during the Rangaku period. And the term Dutch wives is still sometimes used in japan to refer to sex dolls oh my god you just know there's a small community maybe it's not that small of japanese men who have founded married dutch women and who have at some point in their life been talking to their grandparents have been like yeah so my uh my dutch wife is going to be coming we're when we visit uh we'll both and and the grandparent is just like you're what i've got one of those too oh god

okay now that's better or worse oh man guys i'm diving deep into the history here uh there's an interesting thing german surrealist artist hans bellmer has been described as the father figure of the modern sex doll for his sex puppets in the 1930s, whose more realistic models moved sex dolls further into the future. A report that, as part of the Borgild project, Nazi Germany made sex dolls for soldiers during World War II, but it has not been verified by a reliable source and is now considered to be a hoax. It is, however, said that the commercial sex doll has its origins in Germany, especially since the creation of the Build Lily doll in the 1950s, which was, in turn, the inspiration for creating the Barbie doll.

Ew. So, that took so many turns. What a weird, what a weird twisting tail. What the hell? What a nice doll. You want to have sex with it? No. What if we make it for kids?

All right. Yeah, Mattel acquired the rights for Build Lily in 1964 and production of the German doll ceased in favor of Mattel's new vinyl doll called the Barbie. Imagine like a Build-a-bear where you just go and build your own sex doll and you figure out what kind of stuffing wait so that's implying to you that the build lily doll was some kind of sex doll that's what this is saying i think it was it inspired this if you google the build lily doll it's described on the wikipedia as a german fashion doll launched in August of 1955, produced until 1964. It was designed based on the comic strip character Lily, created by Reinhardt Buthein.

Oh, I see. There's a comma here, which I think is making this seem a little... There is a comma. Punctuation matters. That's an important comma. Okay, it's separate. Yeah, it is an important comma because the the thing i just read was it is however said that the commercial sex doll has

its origins in germany comma especially since the creation of the build lily doll in the 1950s those are separate things that like that comma is very important because it makes it seems like the build lily doll is a sex doll but it's not it still implies that whoever wrote that let's be honest probably a dude based on the way it's phrased looked at and if you google pictures the build lily doll looks like a looks like a barbie like it looks like an old barbie if you told me that was just like a 1950s barbie i'd believe it yeah the dude who wrote that looks at barbies and is like oh yeah you just know she likes it dirty. How do I get a life-size Barbie? Like what? That's an adult for kids.

That's not a sex toy at all. That's like saying like the dildo is thought to originate from early 20th century America because as we all know, the American pastime baseball famous for its balls and baseball bats, which are essentially the same shape as a dildo or the first recorded like wait sex thing wait stop the presses no build Lily doll is based on a comic I'm putting an image in no no but look at the comic oh okay it's like a porn comic it's it's not not oh man she's naked build Lily that's a calm G build shut up shut up shut up and take your point for the callback shut up i mean that's that's okay that's kind of like a pin-up sort

of thing i guess lily was a german call girl oh shit so its origins are not necessarily that it's a sex doll but it's a character that is based on a sex worker to describe the images we're looking at viewers there's i guess lily like getting changed and like behind a curtain and a guy's hands with like a camera taking a photo from above and then oh i didn't see the hands holding the camera oh my god that's terrible yeah yeah then there's one of lily like in a bikini it's called lingerie wade then there's one of lily dressed like a playboy bunny drawing a donkey. She's a playboy donkey. Yeah. She's a playgirl.

She simply is a donkey. And then I guess the last one's Lily in lingerie. They're all lingerie, Wade. Yeah. It's lingerie. I like the guy's faces in all of these, too. He's like, oh, oh, oh, eh? Oh.

of these two he's like no it's definitely they're definitely not the face of a man who's currently able to say words all of these are except for the guy where all you see is his hands sticking up over the thing that she's changing behind with the camera his sound is something

like all of these dudes look like they could have a hand on their crotch there's only one hand shown in each of these true yeah no you're right 100 hands in a pocket in every single one of these except for the hands of the camera guy camera spy guys the nicest of the four men who knew he's not doing anything sketchy well you don't know that there's not another guy giving him a reach around back that's true actually two guys One each has one hand on the camera and then each of them has their own hand on their own.

They're having a camgy. It's a peeping Tom orgy. A peep orgy. A peep orgy. A peep orgy. That doesn't sound good at all. It's not. I can't believe our parents told us all this stuff.

The lie our parents said was that Barbie dolls are are wholesome it's all bullshit oh god all right well uh i'm gonna i'm gonna bring this one to a close guys because we have really gotten off track which is about when these episodes need to end they need to be taken out back and shot so i'm taking this episode out back and i'm shooting it all right i actually did the points in a spreadsheet this time so i'm gonna make i'm gonna tabulate this little d and bam it's like several points each there's no way you need to tabulate this and i'm tabulating and i did it in no that's not right hang on wait you're gonna put an equal sign and then sum and then a parenthesis oh god i know how do i get the sum what is the sum sum function? Just type it. Just type it. Just type equals sum, open parentheses.

You're right, you're right, you're right. And then you can type or you can click and drag, depending on how many cells you use. It's been so long since I've used this. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Hurry up, it's my Vaseline time. And then if you want to just fill that in the bottom right corner of the one cell where you wrote the equation, if you just click the little square and drag it down,

it'll, you can, okay. Okay, all right. So summing the totals, Wade had more deductions, but did have more points. Wade wins five to three. Wow, I feel like you just stopped giving me points after the first like 10 minutes. You had to do sum total to get five to three? Hey, I'm deducting a point for your sass there.

That's right. But it still would put you up. Oh, you know what? Deduct another one for my bum bum. I'm not going to, I'm deducting a point for your sass there, but it still would put you up. Oh, you know what? Deduct another one for my bum bum. I'm not going to. I'm not going to. The points are not close. Wade wins four to three. And Bob, for the record, Wade did have more childhood lies, which definitely does reflect a childhood of more trauma. Oh, but I did all that research.

I gave you points for research. I did. Scant points. I did a lot more research. No, that was predominantly your point source was for your research and your tangents. However, we did have more lies as a child. Well, my parents told me that I'd be a success. That's definitely a lie. What else can I chuck in here? My parents told me I was handsome.

We've all learned that's not true. No, no, it's all true. You're handsome and you are a success. And they tell me all the time they love me but i have yet to receive that sweet inheritance so i guess we'll find out oh yeah my mom told me if i didn't play basketball and talk to other kids i'd be a nerd and a loser and looking at the winner i've become yeah yeah definitely well too late points are now closed wade congratulations thank you like to make an acceptance speech at this yes unbelievable except when do do speeches? That's not a thing we do.

Thank you, Mark, for this victory. Thank you, Bob, for losing. Thank you, all of you who know that I deserve this. I hope your parents are as cruel to you as ours were to us. Thank you. Terrible speech. Santa's not real! Okay, and with that, thank you everybody at home. Thank you, Bob, for joining me. It was wonderful. You can find

Bob at MySkirm on many places on the internet. Wade, you can find the winner on Minion777 on Twitch or LordMinion777 on YouTube. And as always, you can find us here at Distractible every Monday. We upload at a certain time in the morning. A distro-ergy! Every time you listen to Distractible, it is... That seems like he should lose a point for that. Well, it's too late. The points are now closed. He is now the morning. A distrogy! Every time you listen to Distractible, it is... I feel like he should lose a point for that.

Well, it's too late. The points are now closed. He is now the winner, therefore he is pretty much the judge from this point on. And enjoy your distrogy every morning on Mondays. Thank you for listening. Follow us on whatever podcast app you're listening to, and have a lovely day. We'll see you next week.

Podcast! Podcast! Out! There you go, you got there.